Actions

Work Header

The Household Accords

Work Text:

The Household Accords

 

A List of Rules for Successful Cohabitation as Found on the Whiteboard in the Kitchen of 232 52st Street, Brooklyn, NY

 

 

 

Plain - Bucky

Italicized – Steve

Bold – Clint

Underlined - Sam

 

 

Spiders are disgusting and Steve should not be trying to make friends with them. They need to be shot on sight.

Bucky, you are not allowed to shoot Natasha.

They have creepy long legs and their bites are poisonous.

Bucky NO!

 

***

***

 

Bucky will tell Steve how many guns there are in the house and where they are all located.

No. (Heh)

 

***

***

 

Steve will stop leaving opened jars of peanut butter with spoons in them in the refrigerator. That shit’s unsanitary.

You’re just mad cos I ate your peanut butter.

I was saving that!

For what? We got 5 more jars in the cabinets. Trust me Bucky, we are never going to run out of peanut butter.

We will at the rate you go through it. And stay away from the crunchy. That’s MINE.

But it’s so delicious.

Don’t make me tell Senora Lopez you said her new haircut made her look like a poodle.

BUCKY!! (Wait, she got a new haircut?)

 

***

***

 

Fish are friends, not food.

Fish are delicious.

 

***

***

 

Camping is stupid, and a good way to get yourself killed and the members of this household are never going to do it.

Agreed.

 

***

***

 

Bucky is going to learn how to share the Lay-Z-Boy.

No.

 

***

***

 

Bucky is not allowed to keep any guns in the Lay-Z-Boy. That’s dangerous.

No.

How many guns are in the house Bucky?

Heh.

 

***

***

 

Steve is forbidden to come into my room and steal my socks.

But they’re so soft!

Get your own damned socks Stevie.

 

***

***

 

We are not going to install a wrought iron gate with spikes with skulls on top of them at the front of the house, no matter how cool looking someone thinks they will make the house look.

Aw, come on. It’ll help keep the riffraff away.

No.

Too late.

 

***

***

 

Bucky will never again come into my studio and tie doll heads to the blades of the ceiling fan just because he thinks the way they spin when the fan is turned on is funny.

OMG Steve, it was hilarious. You actually squawked like a chicken!

Did he really?

Oh yeah, for five whole minutes. I almost pissed myself I was laughing so hard.

NO!

 

***

***

 

Puerto Rican food is awesome.

Agreed.

 

***

***

 

Pineapple on pizza is disgusting. That shit should be banned.

So should peas.

Agreed.

 

***

***

 

Steve will not attempt to burp the Star Spangled Banner, no matter how funny he thinks it is. It’s not. It was stupid.

You should have seen your face.

And he will never, I repeat, WILL NEVER attempt to fart Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony either.

=)

You people are weird.

 

***

***

 

Bucky is not allowed to hoard all of the toilet paper in his room, especially after bean burrito night. Toilet paper is a communal property and meant to be shared.

Aw, were you stuck?

Bucky, you left the house and went for a three hour run.

No I didn’t. I went to Casita Pepe.

And you just left me there like that?

Shouldn’t have eaten all of the crunchy peanut butter.

 

 

***

***

 

Butter pecan ice cream is the best flavor in the world.

Mint chocolate chip’s pretty good too.

Agreed.

Pistachio’s not too bad either.

Yeah, it’s OK. But I like cookie dough better.

Cookie dough is awesome.

What is wrong with you people? Everybody knows the best flavor is Rocky Road.

Get your own list Clint!

 

***

***

 

Bucky will share the chocolate covered pretzels.

No.

 

***

***

 

Menudo is not and never will be considered music.

Agreed.

 

***

***

 

Bucky will stop using his knives to clean his fingernails and toenails or the lint from his belly button, ESPECIALLY when sitting on the living room couch. That was disgusting.

You’re just jealous cos I got mad skills.

You old people are so strange.

 

***

***

 

Steve is not allowed to leave the house without prior approval on his hair. We have hair gel now. You don’t have to go out looking like you’ve got a sheep on your head. It’s embarrassing.

I know, right? People are going to start calling him Captain Baa-merica if he doesn’t do something about it.

HAH!

There is nothing wrong with my hair.

I hate to tell you this Steve, but they’re right.

See?

Baa!

I hate you all.

 

***

***

 

 

Bucky is not allowed to throw rocks at the mailman from the roof whenever he comes by, just because you thought he looked at you funny.

I wouldn’t have to throw rocks. It could be a cow if you just let me build a tower.

NO!

 

***

***

 

Sade is amazing and should be added to every playlist.

Agreed. Along with Aretha Franklin.

And Alicia Keyes.

And Ella Fitzgerald.

Billie Holiday

And Celia Cruz and Tito Puente.

Who?

You guys have no taste.

 

***

***

 

Backrubs are the best cure for nightmares.

Steve is entitled to 1000000 backrubs whenever he needs them, plus 100 more, just because.

=)

 

 

***

***

 

Peppermint tea with honey can fix everything. If Steve is having a bad day, he needs to say something so I can make him a cup. It helps Stevie, you just gotta ask.

=)

 

***

***

 

Fried ravioli are delicious and Bucky needs to learn how to share.

No.

 

***

***

 

Feta cheese is disgusting and smells like feet. It is banned from the house.

Aw come on! It’s great in a salad.

It’s off the list.

Dammit Bucky!

 

***

***

 

Cookies are not one of the food groups. There are other things you can eat when you want a snack.

Stay away from my Thin Mints.

 

***

***

 

Steve will let me repaint his shield a different color, so that when he goes out Avenging, he doesn’t have a huge, stupid red, white and blue TARGET ON HIS BACK.

It’s a symbol Bucky.

Yeah, of where to point your gun.

Bullets bounce off it Bucky, in case you forgot.

Not if somebody shoots you in the ass.

Oh my god, are you still mad about that? That was decades ago Bucky, and I said I was sorry.

I still have the scar Steve.

Yeah, but it gives your butt character.

I’ll give you some character pal.

How about if I let you bite mine in the same exact place?

=)

Wait – what?

 

***

***

 

The sledgehammer is not a toy, and it is not to be used to smash things just because someone is in a bad mood.

I don’t need a sledgehammer. I got a metal arm.

A metal arm is not a toy, and it is not to be used to smash things just because someone is in a bad mood.

You’re just jealous cos it vibrates.

Wait a minute? Are you saying you can your make your arm vibrate when…?

Oh yeah. Figured out how to change the speeds too.

Oh my god Bucky!

That’s exactly what you were saying last night.

Wait – what? Since when?

=)

=)

 

***

***

 

Steve will let me get a kitten, since cats are cool and he’s no longer allergic to them.

Maybe.

=^._.^=

 

***

***

 

Bucky will talk to Mr. Yuen and tell him that I never cast aspersions on his cow.

You cast aspersions on a man’s cow? That’s totally low Steve. No wonder he doesn’t like you.

You don’t insult a man’s cow Steve.

I hate you all.

 

***

***

 

Never agree to play Calvin Ball with two super soldiers. YOU WILL LOSE.

Wimp.

Heh.

Wait a minute. Who gave you permission to write on our whiteboard?

Senora Lopez. And really Steve, her new haircut is very nice. I don’t know why you made fun of it.

BUCKY!!!

Heh.

 

***

***

 

Bucky will let me repaint the wall in his bedroom. Because it gives him nightmares, and he doesn’t deserve that anymore.

Please Bucky.

Maybe.

 

***

***

 

Steve is forbidden from using the microwave.

It was ONE TIME Bucky.

You set the bag of popcorn on fire.

Bruce called. I forgot I left it in there.

You made hot dogs explode Steve. Even HYDRA couldn’t turn hot dogs into a weapon.

It was an accident.

Step away from the panel Steve.

Bucky, where did the gun come from?

Step away from the panel.

 

***

***

 

Bucky is not allowed to suck the jelly from the all of the doughnuts and then put them back into the box because he doesn’t want to eat the rest. That’s just mean.

The jelly’s the best part.

I was really looking forward that doughnut Bucky!

You snooze you lose Steve.  

 

 

***

***

 

Steve is forbidden from going into my closet and drawing bunnies on my shoes. That shit’s not cool.

Senora Lopez thought they were cute.

And pink laces Stevie? Really?

You should have left me at least one doughnut Bucky.

 

 

***

***

 

Coconut shells filled with acid are NOT an environmentally friendly weapon and Bucky is not allowed to keep a stockpile of them on the roof.

Says you.

The mailman is a nice a guy! You don’t get to threaten him with coconut bombs Bucky!

You suck.

They bounced and rolled down the street Bucky. I had to spend three hours explaining to Senora Lopez why I was looking for coconut shells in the sewer.

Ha!

Y’all are so fucked up.

 

***

***

 

Stevie knows just what to do and gives the best hugs after someone has had a nightmare. He deserves all the good things in the world, and he needs to remember that. No one could ask for a better best friend and I’m thankful that he’s still mine.

 

***

***

 

Bucky is not allowed to bring his guns with him when we go running, especially when he’s had a bad day. It makes him twitchy.

We were being followed.

It was a raccoon!

It was looking at me funny.

Bucky NO!

 

***

***

 

You people are all so strange. **tiny spider drawing** 

How did you get into the house Natasha?

=) **tiny spider drawing**

That’s it! I’m getting my guns!

Dammit Bucky! You cannot shoot Natasha.

She ate the last box of Thin Mints.

Hold on, I’ll go get my shield.

 

***

***

 

Steve needs to know that I love him with all of my heart, that I always have, and am thankful for every day we get to spend together. And even if we live for another thousand years, it will never be enough.

Bucky needs to know that he’s my miracle, that he always has been and always will be, and I am never ever letting him go.

I’m still not telling you how many guns are in the house.

Wouldn’t expect anything less from you Buck.

But they’re there to keep you safe.

Yeah I know. No one’s ever had my back like you do Buck.

Same.

Love you Buck.

Love you too Stevie.

**Oh my god, the two of you are so gross! I’m going to throw up.**

Shut up Tony!

I still have a few coconuts stockpiled. Just give me a sec, I’ll go get them.

BUCKY NO!

 

FIN