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House Of Memories

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If you're a lover you should know

The lonely moments just get lonelier

 

And holy shit, did Brendon miss Ryan.

 

The longer you're in love

Than if you were alone

 

He fucked up so bad. He had love, Ryan was in love with him. And he pushed him away.

 

Memories turn into daydreams

Become a taboo

 

It hurt to think of him. Brendon had Ryan, right in his fucking hands, he had his only lover, and they were there, then Brendon threw it all away just because some girl looked at him twice when Ryan wasn't looking.

 

I don't want to be afraid

The deeper that I go

 

He would never forget the look on Ryan's face as he pressed a thumb to the hickies he didn't make.

 

It takes my breath away

Soft hearts, electric souls

 

He knew Ryan was hurting. Brendon was hurting. Both of them were in pain because of what Brendon did. He could stop the hurting. He could fix this.

 

Heart to heart and eyes to eyes

Is this taboo

 

He remembered the first time Ryan said “I love you” to him. They were lying in Ryan's bed, cuddling, enjoy the post-sex haze. Ryan had kissed his cheek and whispered the words into his ear. Brendon, like the idiot he is, replied “I don't know if I can return those words.” Ryan just held him close and told him it was okay. He just wanted Brendon to know that he loved him. He didn't say it to hear someone say it back.

 

Baby we built this house

On memories

 

Brendon sat down one day, shuffling through the polaroid-like memories in his head.

 

Take my picture now

Shake it till you see it

 

He wondered if Ryan still had the photos of him that he'd taken. Brendon had a few of his own, a few explicit pictures he'd kept around for spare jerk-off material. Ryan had a kink for taking pictures, keeping the memories in physical form. Brendon knew Ryan was on so many drugs all the time that he'd probably forgotten the real memories, and needed the pictures to remind him of their time together.

 

And when your fantasies

Become your legacy

 

Brendon vividly remembered Ryan yelling at him during their big fight.

 

“When you become a worldwide phenomenon, are you gonna remember me? No! You'll be all up in some other girl’s boobs just because you're too scared to face the fact that you had love here!!! And you fucking threw it away!! I hope you're fucking happy now, Brendon, did you get what you wanted?”

 

Brendon thought about that more than he should've.

 

Was Ryan going to remember him? When he'd become a star in music, bigger than Panic! even, was he going to remember Brendon? No.

 

Promise me a place

 

But oh, Brendon will fucking remember Ryan. No doubt of that.

 

In your house of memories

 

One night, when they were still in their golden days, when they were in bed, very early morning, maybe five or six am, after they'd finished a long night of cheesy movies, staggering to bed when the sun rose, when Ryan had thought Brendon was asleep, he'd stroked the hair off his face and whispered “Please don't forget me. I'll never forget you, Bren. Ever.”

 

I think of you from time to time

More than I thought I would

 

Brendon never forgot Ryan. Ever.

 

You were just to kind

and I was too young to know

 

Ryan had been so sweet to him. So kind. Guiding him through his first time. Kissing him soft after he'd had a breakdown. Talking him down from the edge. And when Ryan was away in Canada on a business trip, and he hadn't been there to talk him down, he flew straight back to Brendon and held his hand in the emergency room while he was shaking and crying and in so much pain because he had a lethal dose of drugs in him, waiting for a hospital bed. Lying in said bed, refusing to leave even when he hadn't gone home in weeks. Kissing him goodnight every night. Even after the fights they had, Ryan would still get into bed with him, and by morning they would've been curled up together, Ryan's head on Brendon’s chest, all arguments of the previous night forgotten.

 

And what had Brendon done in return?

 

That's all that really matters

I was a fool

 

He gone and fucked a random groupie in a club. He'd ruined it all. He'd ruined everything. He was such a fucking idiot.

 

Baby we built this house

On memories

 

He missed Ryan.

 

Take my picture now

Shake it till you see it

 

He was sitting on the floor now, shaking, crying.

 

And when your fantasies

Become your legacy

 

He hadn't had a breakdown like this since The Fight. And even then, Spencer was there to talk him down.

 

Promise me a place

In your house of memories

 

He was going to fucking die.

 

Those thoughts of past lovers

 

He needed Ryan. He reached for the phone, fumbling it out of his pocket.

 

They'd always haunt me

 

He needed his sun back.

 

I wish I could believe

You'd never wrong me

 

He dialed Ryan's number, praying he hadn't changed it. He knew the number like he knew his own name.

 

Then will you remember me in the same way?

 

He paused. What if Ryan had changed? What if he didn't want Brendon anymore? That was more than likely, but you can bet your ass Brendon was still going to try.

 

As I remember you

 

And as the phone was ringing, it hit him like a steam roller.

 

Baby we built this house

Of memories

 

He needed Ryan. He needed him like the moon needs the sun. He needed him like Jon needs peanut butter. He needed Ryan more than he'd ever needed anyone before.

 

Take my picture now

Shake it till you see it

 

He was shaking, adrenaline pumping through his veins.

 

And when your fantasies

Become your legacy

Promise me a place

 

“Hello?” Ryan's voice rang through the phone, and Brendon gasped.

 

Baby we built this house

On memories

 

“Ryan!”

 

Take my picture now

Shake it till you see it

 

“What do you want, Urie?” He sounded mad, and Brendon was nervous. Ryan only called him by his last name when he was angry, or numb. Brendon took a deep breath, settling his nervous soul.

 

And when your fantasies

Become your legacy

 

“You. I-I need you, and I know, I know that's so cliche, and it happens in all the movies, but I need you, just you, baby, please, please, I'm so scared, I'm sick of living without you, and I haven't been like this, and please, please, I need you.”

 

Promise me a place

In your house of memories

 

There was silence from the other end of the phone.

 

In your house of memories

 

“I love you, Ryan.” Brendon whispered, closing his eyes.

 

Promise me a place in your house of memories

 

“I know, baby. I know.”

 

-fin