They’re off on tour, away from family and home, the familiar rush of the stage their company. Sitting on a balcony after a show sharing a cigarette between them, they know they could smoke their own, but they've been lying to themselves this week saying they're quitting for real so the easiest compromise is saying they'll only take a couple of drags from one together.
Jiyong looks at Seunghyun as he inhales, his cheekbones a stark pull against his face and his eyes squinting in the dark of the balcony. They turned off the lights on the balcony, saying they wanted to see the stars, but they were lying to themselves again.
The city is much too bright, what they really want is the cover of darkness. To feel like when Seunghyun's fingers brush against his it isn't anything different than the skinship for cameras. The feeling of Seunghyun's skin against his calms Jiyong's mind, still running and reeling.
They're at the top of the world but he can feel the pull of their enlistment drawing closer every day and he worries about the fans, he worries about public opinion, they've faced the brunt of public turning against them before with scandal, but it's another fear entirely to be forgotten. If there's one thing Jiyong has never wanted to be it's forgotten by the crowds.
Seunghyun is different, he doesn't feel the same pull to glory, but he's lived for so long as an artist the shift is bound to be shocking as they reach closer and closer. Jiyong is so lost in thought that he startles when he feels Seunghyun's hand against his handing the cigarette back. Jiyong takes it in his left and with his right pulls Seunghyun's hand closer.
He smokes and looks his hyung in his eyes serious while Seunghyun smiles with his dopey look at him, just happy to be. He knows Seunghyun is weighed down by a lot so he's happy to see him looking carefree for even a moment and it pulls a smile from him even with his dreary thoughts.
They don't stay dormant for long and Jiyong speaks up, "Next year..." and he pauses not sure how to verbalize what he's thinking.
Seunghyun knows though, he knows Jiyong and it's not like he hasn't been thinking it either. The loss is there in many ways, not only stepping out of the public eye and into the life of a public servant, but also the difference between touring with all of them, of partying and drinking in foreign cities and the luxury that in some ways they've all grown accustomed to.
"It'll be fine, Jiyong, you know we'll be fine."
Jiyong feels emotion choke him, "I'm going to miss you."
Seunghyun pushes his shoulder against him, "How can you miss me when I'm right here?"
Shrugging Jiyong hands the cigarette back to Seunghyun.
He takes it leaving his hand in Jiyong's and Jiyong is still serious when he turns towards the smile.
"I'm not going anywhere Jiyong." Seunghyun is smiling but Jiyong hears the truth behind his words.
"I know. But it'll be different, you know it will."
They're so close still shoulders pressed together, and Jiyong jumps again when Seunghyun ducks his head in. Presses his lips against Jiyongs, dry from smoking until Jiyong's mouth opens against his and then they're pressed together more smoothly, Jiyong's hands coming up to frame Seunghyun's face his fingers pressed against the cheekbones he admired smoking a minute ago.
Seunghyun must have tossed the cigarette at some point because his hands press against Jiyong's waist and they slide together a little awkwardly, pressed side by side until Jiyong slides a leg over Seunghyun's lap until his knees are framing his hips and that brings them one step closer.
Seunghyun's neck was a little damp with sweat and when Jiyong's hands travel into his hair they feel the moisture at the nape. Seunghyun's hands tighten more firmly against Jiyong's waist and he pulls him further down into his lap with a grind that leaves him breathless and pulls a gasp from Seunghyun.
Jiyong pulls back from Seunghyun's mouth and says fiercely, "I never want to miss you."
Seunghyun nods, and pulls him back down to his mouth until they're both panting and pulling their pants open hurriedly, pressing against each other like teenagers. They come like that, erections grinding against each other out on the balcony.
When they're spent Jiyong curls up against Seunghyun and holds him close, hears him whisper, "Don't make me miss you either."
When the day comes Jiyong's hair is short, and the car ride feels like forever. Seunghyun is by his side, holding his hand and telling him about how he'll be fine, and that soon they'll all be together.
When Jiyong goes to get out of the car Seunghyun pulls him close and they hold each other for a moment. Jiyong smiles because he has him.
It feels like forever and nothing both in a moment, but they slowly let go. Jiyong takes a deep breath and goes to open the door when he hears Seunghyun say, "Hey."
Jiyong turns and Seunghyun has a smile on his face, "I won't miss you, okay?"
Jiyong releases a shaky laugh, "I won't miss you either, hyung."
You can't miss someone who will always be by your side.