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your love i’m lost in

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There’d been a horse. No, there’d been a game. Ah - wait - the horse and the game had come together. Things were a bit fuzzy in Harry’s head but he remembered those two things. He only needed to find the thread of thought that would make sense and he would be set. Only, his head hurt. A lot. Quite a bloody lot, actually. He’ll sort it out later, whatever it was. He wanted to sleep. Oh, sleep was bloody marvellous -



‘Ow, fucking hell, was I run over by a car?’

‘Close,’ a terse voice said beside Harry, ‘if you consider nearly being trampled to death by horses the same thing.’

‘Whu - ?’ Harry blinked up at the ceiling but it remained stubbornly blurry. ‘Wha? Huh?’

‘Is that something to worry over, Doctor? Incoherence after eloquence?’

Doctor? Harry must have misheard. He tried to look at Julius - and it was Julius, there was no mistaking that voice or the sarcasm lacing through each word - but decided against it when pain seared through his neck, shoulder and left arm. Harry gasped and tears stung his eyes. He blinked them open when someone gently touched his forehead and saw Julius’ face through the blur. He looked severe, eyebrows and mouth drawn in tight, and Harry’s panic surged.

‘Harry, calm down, please, or you’ll do yourself more damage,’ said Julius.

‘It hurts,’ said Harry, although as he lay completely still, the intense agony dulled to just a maddening throb all over his body. He cautiously took a deep breath and winced when his chest ached. ‘And what’s that awful racket?’

It had sounded like ringing to his ears but was actually beeping, fast and steady, and then slow and steady. His heartbeat, Harry realised a second before the doctor, a tall balding man in a white gown, told him it was the cardiac monitor.

Harry risked the pain so he could look around. He was in a white hospital room, spacious and yet stuffy all the same. The beside table overflowed with flowers and get-well-soon cards. The bed was woefully small but Harry wasn’t interested in moving all that much. Julius sat on his other side, perched on the edge of an uncomfortable-looking chair, and when their gazes met, Julius reached out and gently touched his hand, the one without an IV needle hooked into it.

‘What happened?’ asked Harry anxiously. He squeezed Julius hand; even his fingers hurt.

‘You fell off your horse is what happened,’ answered Julius, eyes narrowing the way they did when he was hopping mad, but they softened a moment later as they swept over Harry’s prone form. He must genuinely cut a pathetic figure, lying in bed all banged up. Then, Julius’ words registered and horror bloomed in Harry’s heart. Fell off his horse bad enough to be in hospital and feeling the way he was feeling?

‘But, miraculously, you’re alright,’ said Julius, tightening his hold on Harry’s hand. ‘You’re alright, darling.’

The doctor cleared his throat. ‘Mostly alright,’ he said, and flipped through Harry’s chart in an officious way. ‘You’re very lucky, Mr Vane: a fall like yours could have ended differently. As it is, you’ve got away with nothing more serious than a concussion. You’ll be sore for a long while - you’ve bruised a rib but nothing else is broken. That nasty gash on your forehead has been stitched, and you’ve got an assortment of cuts and bruises. Do you remember anything from the accident?’

Harry gingerly touched the bandage around his forehead and cast his mind back. He drew a worrying blank. ‘The last thing I remember was having breakfast with Julius. Blueberry scones and, uh, eggs. Is that a problem?’

‘There might be some memory loss from the injury, but as long as you watch out for worsening symptoms and refrain from any strenuous physical and mental activity, you’ll heal in a few days.’

The doctor briskly checked whatever it was they needed to check, scribbled on his chart, and then swept out of the room, leaving Harry and Julius in a tense silence.

Harry glanced at Julius and bit the corner of his lip. That, too, gave a pinch and he ran his tongue carefully over the swollen spot. ‘Are you very cross, Julius? I’m sorry.’

Julius sighed and leant forward in the seat, his forearms resting on the edge of the bed. ‘The hospital rang Richard, and Ash called me. Do you imagine Ash was calm when he told me what happened? Of course not, he was in a panic; could hardly form proper sentences to tell me anything other than you fell off your horse during a bloody Polo match!’ Julius took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. Harry wanted to tug him into his arms, for both their sakes. ‘He scared me half to death, and somehow Richard and I kept calling each other at the same time so he was always engaged, damn him.’

Harry couldn’t help it, he had to laugh a little, which turned out to be a bad idea as his body throbbed in response.

Blue eyes snapped up to Harry’s face, eyebrows arrowing down as pale lips pressed together in a frown. ‘You think that’s amusing, do you?’

Oh, no, now Julius really was cross. ‘A little, I mean, no,’ stammered Harry, ‘it’s not funny at all.’

‘You think it’s funny that I didn’t know if you’d broken your neck or cracked your skull open because Ash couldn’t string together enough words to tell me you were still fucking alive?’ Julius took a deep breath, eyes closed. He was trembling a little. It sent a pang through Harry’s heart. He took Julius’ hand and laced their fingers together, bringing it up to his lips. The movement hurt, but not quite as much as those blue eyes staring back at him, luminous with emotion. Swallowing, Julius reached out and stroked Harry’s hair. ‘I’m so very glad you’re alive, darling,’ he said in a much gentler tone. ‘Don’t scare me like that ever again.’

‘Me, too. I’m sorry if I frightened you. I really don’t remember a thing.’ That was scarier, in its own way. A chunk of important time gone missing. Harry wondered if he would ever recover those memories.

Julius pressed the sweetest kiss to the corner of Harry’s eye. ’They might, though I’m not sure I want you to if they’ll only bring you distress.’

Harry agreed. Even just imagining such a bad fall sent a cold feeling down his spine. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said again.

‘Just get better,’ said Julius. Commanded, really.

Smiling, Harry nodded and closed his eyes, fatigue rolling through him. ‘Stay?’ he murmured.

‘Of course.’

Harry was on the verge of sleep when the door burst open, jerking him awake, and Gabriel Ashleigh stumbled inside with a mournful cry of his name.

‘Haz, dear God, are you dead?’



Julius took the doctor’s advice very seriously. Too seriously, in Harry’s opinion, as Julius broke the kiss just as things were getting interesting. It had been almost a week after his accident and he was feeling leagues better. His ribs still twinged at sudden movements, and he was a mottled colour all over, but the concussion had gone and the gash on his forehead was healing nicely. Harry felt like he could fuck Julius and not break open at the seams. Julius, however, staunchly refused to do anything more laborious than snogging on the sofa like teenagers. It had been a week! That was seven days of crippling sexual frustration. Wanking just wasn’t enough anymore.

‘Please,’ whined Harry, pawing at Julius’ chest like a dog, ‘just let me fuck you, Julius. I’m fine! I’ve even gone back to work!’ Though, personally, Harry could have used a few more days on sick leave.

Julius shook his head and kissed him on the lips, the bastard. ‘We can’t, Harry. You’re still recovering.’

‘I’m no longer concussed,’ argued Harry.

‘Yes, but your ribs - let’s not take the chance you might actually break them.’

‘I love you but ribs don’t break as easily as headboards when we fuck. I’m flattered, though.’

Julius gave him a disdainful look and then got off of the couch. Harry clutched at his chest. ‘I think you just broke my heart, Julius.’

‘If you have time to be silly, then you have time to finish your reports,’ said Julius, holding out a hand at him.

Harry groaned and covered his crotch with his right hand and grabbed Julius’ with his left. ’That’s actually worse than my blue balls.’

Fifteen minutes later, Harry had to revise his words as he watched Julius type on his laptop, pushing the thin-rimmed glasses up his nose and shifting the silk pyjama top (with the first two buttons undone, damn it) he wore to show more of his pale chest. Work was not as painful as his neglected dick.

‘I can feel you trying to fuck me with your eyes,’ said Julius without looking up.

‘Is that possible?’ asked Harry.

Julius didn’t answer. Harry wanted to bang his head on the table but that might give him another injury, and God forbid Julius wait a month until they have sex again.

‘You can just blow me,’ Harry offered desperately.

Julius arched a brow at him and Harry’s libido wept. ‘Is that supposed to entice me?’

‘Yes, you love sucking my dick.’

‘...I can’t argue that.’ Julius licked at his lips. Harry’s pulsed skipped a beat and he sat up straight in his chair, swivelling around to fully face Julius. He cupped his cock, already swelling from half-mast, and spread his legs. Julius’ gaze darkened.

‘Harry - ‘

‘Please, please,’ said Harry, unashamed to beg as his hand moved down his silk-covered dick and moaning at sensation, ‘I promise I’m alright, Julius. I’m fine. You won’t hurt me.’

After what felt like an eternity, Julius reached up and took off his glasses, folding the arms and placing it carefully on top of his desk. Their work office was set up so that they were nearly back to back to each other, and Julius got up and crossed the small space and sank down to his knees in front of Harry.

‘Oh, fuck!’ Harry was already panting, so turned on he felt like a boy watching porn for the first time. He yanked his pyjama bottoms down his thighs and angled his hips on the chair so that his cock was jutting out even more. Hard and thick, blushing a dark red with all the blood in Harry’s body, he pointed it towards Julius’ lips.

Julius placed his hands on top of Harry’s knees. ‘Are you sure, darling?’

‘Julius, I swear to God - ‘

Very primly, Julius placed his lips on top of Harry’s dick. It was the barest sensation but it made Harry jerk in his seat. The ache in his chest was a distant cousin to the exquisite pleasure of Julius’ warm, wet mouth closing over his cock. Harry gave a heartfelt groan and weaved his fingers through Julius’ hair, cupping the back of his head. He urged Julius lower, deeper, and Julius obliged him by swallowing him down.

It felt so good Harry could cry. ‘Oh, fuck, Julius, fuck me, please, I’m begging you.’

Julius bobbed his head - was that a yes? - and swirled his supremely talented tongue.

Harry was going to come - except he really wanted to come inside Julius’ ass. He told him so, said, ‘I want to feel you dripping around me again, Julius. Baby, please. I know you want it, too: to feel me opening you up, filling you to the brim. It’s been so long, you must be so tight now. Babe, Julius, Julius, oh, God - ‘

His orgasm came like a fall from a horse, or what Harry assumed it was like since that memory still eluded him. It was shocking, a jolt to the system, and he could barely draw in a breath to warn Julius before he was spilling into his mouth, hips jerking with every pulse of come. Harry never wanted to the pleasure to end but of course it had to, softening to a pretty awesome afterglow. He slumped in his chair, taking deep gulps of oxygen, and gently unclenched his fists around Julius’ hair.

‘Julius, that was - ‘ Before he could finish, Harry was pushed back and kissed within an inch of his life. The bruise on his back throbbed but Harry ignored it and opened his mouth for Julius’ hungry tongue, sucking on it with an echo of his now spent lust. Julius broke away and nipped on his jaw, then pulled back far enough to look down on Harry. Julius was pink-faced, lips swollen, hair dishevelled. He braced one hand on the back of the chair as he jerked himself off with the other one, looking over Harry and staring at him all the while. It was so hot that Harry tried willing his dick to get hard all over again. He tweaked Julius’ nipples through the silk, thumbing over them until they were hard nubs that tempted him to lean forward, nudge aside the fabric with his nose, and suck on one nipple.

Julius cried out, and Harry heard the plastic chair creak behind him. He delicately rolled the nipple between his teeth as his hand delved down and tugged on the wiry pubic hairs that were more golden than the ones on top. Harry knew Julius loved that, loved the prickle, and did it again as he suckled his chest. Julius was breathing heavily over him, moaning his name, and Harry would give anything to fuck him right then. But this was the next best thing and he set about taking Julius apart. It didn’t take long; Julius was as deprived as he was. Julius shook as he worked his cock through his orgasm, and Harry moaned and sucked a mark under his pectoral.

The air smelled of sex and musk by the time Harry calmed down enough to notice it. He blinked up at Julius. ‘We should air out the office.’

Snorting, Julius kissed him on the forehead and sighed. ‘I’m appalled at my lack of restraint. Are you alright?’

Harry grinned and nodded. ‘I love slutty Julius.’

‘Do shut up, dearest.’ Julius grimaced at his hands. ‘We’re a mess.’ He glanced at Harry’s lap and frowned. ‘I’m a mess. It seems you’ve escaped the worst of it.’

‘Let’s take a bath together,’ suggested Harry.

‘Incorrigible brat.’ Julius straightened with a groan and lifted his arms for a luxurious stretch, his softening cock hanging out of his trousers. Julius tucked himself out of view of lecherous eyes and nodded at Harry. ‘Come on, then, help me shower. It’s the least you can do after tricking me so horribly. I hope your head bursts open.’ He let out a sigh and looked at Harry, deeply aggrieved. ‘I don’t mean that. Please keep your infuriating brain inside that infuriating head of yours.’

Laughing, Harry stood up and kissed Julius on the nose, his heart swelling with affection. He really did love this man.