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Twenty Letters and One Answer

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 ~Day 1~

Dear Jeongguk,

 

I don't even know where to begin, losing something so dear doesn't happen every day and sadly life doesn't warn us before something bad happens. I can't even explain what I'm going through right now, but can you blame me? I lost the one person I love dearly. One day we were happy together, the next day we became strangers.

 

I guess I should introduce myself at first. My name is Kim Taehyung, the man who was next you when you woke up from coma, you loving husband and the one you asked to leave because you didn't remember me and didn't believe me when I said we were married. It's okay though, I know you must be confused, I'd be too. I promise I will give you as much time as you need, but I also promise that I will never give up on our love and on our family. I will take baby steps that will hopefully lead me back to your heart. It hurts me so very much to know that you had completely forgotten about me, but I have to be patient. I will be. I will try to help you remember. Slowly, but surely.

 

For now, just know that I love you endlessly.

 

Your Taehyung!

 

 

I will write a letter to you every day, I will tell you bits from our life, so that it helps you remember ... hopefully. Let's start from the very first day we met. We were sitting next to each other, we were watching a basketball match. You were so into the game you started complaining and whining. It was so adorable it made me start talking to you. It was easy afterwards, we instantly clicked and enjoyed the rest of the match together. We spent all the breaks talking about our university and complained about a few teachers we both knew. We laughed a lot that day and exchanged numbers. We started going to the matches together and went for night walks after.

 

We took this picture after the very first match because we wanted to use it as our contact picture. It took you literally ten minutes to just agree and pose for the selfie. You were blushing so bad because I teased you about it for another half an hour. We didn't go out after the match because you had to go meet your friend Yoongi who played the match. I went home alone with a smile on my face and I was excited to see you again soon. When I got home I got a text from you and I was so happy I couldn't fall asleep.

 

I miss you!

 


 

~Day 2~

Dear Jeongguk,

 

I hope you're feeling better now that you're home. Waking up without you must be the most difficult thing I've been through. Our bed feel so cold when you are not there to cuddle with me. Our house is so quiet without your giggles. I miss your whines when we woke up and I had to go to work. You didn't want to let me go and you would climb on top of me just to hug me, so that I couldn't get up. Home isn't home without you, I hope one day we can be family again. I hope one day I can hold you in my arms again and watch you fall asleep, listen to your steady breathing and breathe in your sweet scent. You use almond shower gel and cherry blossom body milk and you never let me use neither because you claim them as your own. God Jeongguk you don't even know how much I miss you, how much I need you right now.

 

I don't even know if you will read these, but I think you will. You've always been curious. I hope I'm not making you feel uncomfortable by writing these letters because the last thing I want is to make you feel even worse. It must be difficult to wake up in the middle of your life, not knowing who you are. The confusion I saw in your eyes when you woke up made my heart break into several pieces but I have to stay strong for all of us.

 

I love you my precious.

 

Your Taehyung!

 

 

After the basketball match, we started texting a lot, even during our classes. You would send me memes or we would send stupid selfies to fool around. We were both studying pedagogy but our focus was on different subjects. You wanted to teach physical education and dancing while I was more into art and literature. We both managed to get our dream jobs and were hired in the same university. Even when we started dating we joked about it, so we laughed when we got the jobs. We thought we'd be working close to each other but we ended up on different faculties, so we didn't see each other during the day. We didn't mind though because we always had enough time to be together after.

 

This is one of the pictures you sent me during my History of Art class which I disliked. You remembered that and always made sure to be online to entertain me and help me through the lecture. I found it very endearing and I think I started falling in love with you around that time. I told you that even though the angle was awkward, you still looked beautiful and I meant that. Jeongguk you are the most gorgeous man I've ever seen, although I never looked at another after I realized I was so in love. I miss your beautiful doe eyes, I miss your lips and the mole under them, I miss your bunny smile and the way you scrunch your nose when you laugh, I miss your body and your loving touch.

 

Please come back to me soon.


 

~Day 3~

Dear Jeongguk,

 

I feel devastated, I thought it would get better every day, that I would somehow get used to being without you, but I was so wrong. Each day without you is even more difficult. I haven't been sleeping or eating properly. You would probably scold me if you were home. You always took care of me, always prepared me meals because you were the better one at cooking. You tried to teach me many times, but somehow I would always mess up and you would get annoyed because it took twice as much to prepare a simple meal. The disgusting banana milk that you love so much is still in the fridge. It's been there for a week now. It never survives a day if you are here because you love it so much you drink it every night. Even the stupid milk reminds me that you are no longer mine. It hurts, but I can't get rid of it because for some reason it still makes me think that you belong there, that you're still a part of our home.

 

I wish I knew how you are doing. I figured you haven't remembered anything yet or else you would have tried to get in touch with me. Which is why I only leave these flowers and letters on the doormat of your house. I don't want to pressure you my love.

 

I love you!

 

 

After we got to know each other better, we started hanging out together even outside the basketball court. We started going to the small café near our university. You liked to go there almost every day because it was called 'Marshmallow Coffee' and you thought it made their drinks taste sweet just because of the name. When you told me that the first time I started laughing because it was so ridiculous, but the way you pouted afterwards made my heart boom boom. I was already crushing on you then, so I invited you for cappuccino and it soon became our tradition. We started going there to study together. You asked me to give you test questions for the subjects I had previously since I was one grade above you. I never told you, but I never got much done there because I preferred looking at you and how you frowned when something didn't make sense. I tried my best to explain everything to you and when I did, your beautiful lips formed a happy smile and that was everything I needed.

 

This is the first picture you posted on Instagram. You saw me post there a lot so you made one of your own. You mocked the sweater I was wearing that day, but ended up stealing it every cold night when we slept over once we became a couple .You said it looked better on you and I always denied even though I agreed because you make everything look beautiful.

 

I miss you incredibly much.

 


~Day 4~

Dear Jeongguk,

 

I hope your days are better than mine. I don't do anything, I don't go anywhere. I just lay in our bed and think about you. I go through our photos and I write these letters. I took a week off from work and maybe that wasn't the best idea because not doing anything keeps me thinking. I haven't changed our bed sheets yet because I can still scent you even though it's slowly fading away. You changed the sheets every Saturday, it was when we cleaned the whole house together because we were both off. I loved Saturdays and Sundays the most because we got to spend it together. As a family.

 

When you left my life I began asking myself 'Is it possible to hurt even more than this?' or 'Is it even human to be able to cry so much every day?" My chest, Jeongguk, you can't even imagine how much it stabs me every morning when I wake up without you, every time I open the wardrobe and see your clothes. I always wonder if you will ever wear those, if you will ever ask me what to wear for our date nights even though I always tell you that you look good in everything.

 

I love you biscuit.

 

Your Taehyung!

 

 

When we got tired of studying, you would often invite me to your place to play games which we found out we both liked. At first, I refused because I was scared of falling deeper, not even thinking you could ever love me back. It made you sad every time I made an excuse. I hated lying to you but I wanted to protect myself. There was a week or two that we didn't meet at all. We barely texted, so it was natural for us to start missing each other. I couldn't bear it one night, so I asked you to come over to play games and you happily agreed. It didn't even take you ten minutes to get to my place. I told myself not to think about love that evening and simply enjoy your company. We played games for hours and ate at least three pizzas that night.

 

I took this picture of you when you fell asleep on me that night. We agreed to watch a movie because we were too tired of playing, but you didn't even last twenty minutes before you laid your head on my lap and fell asleep. That was the moment I knew it was too late to not think of love because I had already fallen in love with you. That moment just made me realize that I wanted to make you happy, I wanted to kiss you and take care of you every day. My feelings didn't matter, yours did.

 

I miss you so much it hurts.

 


~Day 5~

Dear Jeongguk,

 

Is it okay for me to hope to see you every time I deliver these letters? I just can't stop myself from hoping to just get a glimpse, just to see that you're alright and that you're living your new life happily. Even though I'm no longer a part of it. Is it creepy that I leave the letters at your door and look for you? Maybe it is, but you never came out to ask me to leave, so I'm going to continue telling our story and hoping you'll realize how much I love you and how much you loved me too. Funny how one letter can hurt you so bad. 'Love' and 'Loved' The words are almost the same, yet they are so very different. One brings you joy and the other brings you pain. Sadly, the latter belongs to me now. I know you probably don't care but I hope that these letters warm your heart even a little because I love you and love brings joy.

 

You know, I keep blaming myself for that day. It was supposed to be me who should have gone to the supermarket, but you asked me to stay at home and said that you would take care of the grocery shopping. Funny how such simple and every day thing like shopping can turn your world upside down just like that. Everyone keeps telling me that it wasn't my fault, but it was. I would've have died for you if I could.

 

I love you more and more every day.

 

Your Taehyung!

 

 

With every passing day I grew to love you more and more. You were really clueless at first. You didn't see the heart eyes I gave you every time I saw you or how I blushed when you hugged me or when our hands touched accidentally. It was Yoongi who pointed that out for you and that was when you started noticing my love for you. I didn't know, so I continued admiring you from the shadows. I had no idea you returned my feelings which was why I was shocked the first time you asked me out. I thought it was going to be just another hang out night because you didn't say where we were going or what we were going to do. I got so caught up with talking about a book I was reading that I didn't notice you were so quiet, only watching me with a sweet smile on your face. When I finished talking I realized you hadn't said a word for at least fifteen minutes and that you were staring. I felt flustered for some reason, but I still managed to ask what was happening and why you were looking at me so intensely. Do you know what you said? You said I was the most beautiful human being you've ever seen.

 

This is a selfie from that day. It was before we went for that one dinner. The one that changed everything for us. The one that started everything

between us.

 

I miss you baby bun.

 


~Day 6~

Dear Jeongguk,

 

I finally had a proper meal today. I found an instant ramen bowl in our cupboard, so I made it myself. Now, to you it probably sounds normal, but if you remembered me you would know that I am capable of messing up even something so simple, so you would be proud of me now. It wasn't even close to being as good as your ramen, but it was warm and that was exactly I needed. It's getting colder every day, so I hope you keep yourself warm. I would bring you that ugly sweater that you love so much, but I think that would be crossing the lines? I don't want to lose it though because it holds many memories. Maybe that's why I should give it to you. But what if you end up throwing it and I will never get to see it again? I cuddle it sometimes during the night, it makes me feel better, but I would give it to you anytime if I knew it would make you feel better.

 

Jimin and Yoongi came to visit me yesterday. Jimin is Yoongi's husband. They are worried about both you and I. Yoongi said he tried to visit you, but that you never opened the door. What if my letters never even reached you? What if someone just throws them away every day? I really hope you get them Jeongguk.

 

We love you.

 

Your Taehyung!

 

 

After the first date, we started going on more. We never talked about what exactly it was or what it meant, but we knew it was more than friendly get together. We would go to dinners, cinema, bowling and many other places where we would have fun. We never ran out of topics which made me quite surprised since we talked every day. We were just meant to be. It was just the beginning of our honeymoon phase and we weren't even dating officially. I don't even know why we didn't talk about it when it was obvious we were both in love with each other. Maybe there was a part of us that was scared to ruin what we had. I was scared to lose you because I didn't think I deserved someone like you. I often asked myself 'What if I'm not good enough for him?' but I tried to push the bad thoughts away and just enjoy the moments we spent together.

 

  This picture was taken one day when we decided to just go for a walk and enjoy our free Saturday, I think it was Saturday, but I'm not sure, you were always the one to remember these things haha. We were simply walking and talking about the usual things when you took my hand into your own. I was so happy, so I intertwined our fingers and we smiled. We never voiced it but that was the day we started dating for real.

 

I wish I could go back to those days at least for one day.

 


~Day 7~

Dear Jeongguk,

 

I am scared. Our daughter is coming back home today. I'm sorry I didn't mention we had a little girl because I didn't want it to be too much for you at once. But yes, Maya is 2 years old. We knew she'd be ours even before she was born. We were on the waiting list for so long before they finally told us a young mother wanted us to take her baby once it was born. You stayed with her when she was born while I worked hard to make sure you had everything you needed. That's why I'm scared. What am I supposed to tell her? When you got into that accident, I sent her to my parents. I told her she was going for holiday to visit her grandparents while I dealt with your condition. How will I explain that you're no longer with us? It will break her Jeongguk, she is too attached to you. Usually, she wouldn't go anywhere without you, but I baited her that she could play with puppies at my parents' house. I'm surprised she managed to stay there for two weeks, but she's been asking for you already. I can't keep her there forever, so I asked my parents to bring her back. How do you even tell your child that their parent doesn't know them anymore? How will I manage to calm her down when it was mostly you who did that? I'm sorry, I don't want to stress you by telling you this. I don't blame you, but I needed to tell someone and you were the one who always comforted me, so I decided to simply tell you even though it may shock you.

 

I'm sorry for being so selfish.

 

Your Taehyung!

 

 

Maybe a week after the iconic walk, you invited me over as usual. We spent a couple of hours playing Overwatch and then cuddled while watching something on Netflix. It was adorable now that I think back because youwould always scoot closer to me and I knew you wanted me to embraceyou, but I wanted to see how far you were willing to go, so I didn't comply. It was when you couldn't get any closer that you started frowning and sighing deeply to get my attention. I couldn't hold it anymore so I started laughing which confused you. Those shocked eyes of yours were so cute it made my heart melt. I wrapped my arm around you and we held hands. It was so innocent, but it made us happy. I was about to go back home because it was getting late, but you simply hugged me and asked me to stay. I was worried at first because I didn't know where you were going with that, but it turned out that you wanted to just cuddle with me all night. I was relieved because I didn't think we were ready to get intimate. We hadn't even had our first kiss then. That was until you randomly kissed me good night. It was a sweet peck, but boy did it make my heart beat fast.

 

This is what you made us for dinner. You were always into healthy food while I just ate the first thing I saw to save time. We ate it together while watching a Disney movie on your laptop. It was the first time I felt so domestic with you.

 

I hope we can do that again one day.

 


~Day 8~

Dear Jeongguk,

 

Maya spent the whole evening in her bed, crying and hugging Marshmallow, the plush kitten you bought her after her doctor check up when she turned 2 and cried because the 'little bee' stung her. You always knew how to calm her down and now I see just how much I need you. Not just as a lover, not only as a partner but as a parent for Maya too. No matter what I did I couldn't get her to stop crying. She asked me where you were and I just broke. I told her that you went for a trip with Hoseok, your colleague and most importantly our friend. That helped until Hoseok showed up at our door with both Seokjin and Namjoon who are also our friends. It's always the seven of us. The unbreakable crew as you call it. She is a smart girl, so she figured out I'd lied to her and hid herself under blanket in her room.

 

I don't know what to do Jeongguk. I can't put her to day care or something. She's not ready to be alone around new people, but I have to go back to work at some point otherwise we'll struggle financially. Yoongi and Jimin offered help, but they work too, so I don't want to bother them. I'd try to go on paternity leave, but since we're both Maya's parents I wouldn't be able to change anything without your approval and I don't want to drag you around offices or courts even.

 

I still hope you'll remember us and come back.

 

Your loving husband and beloved daughter Maya.

 

 

We became inseparable and spent every second together when we were free. Having two dorms became useless because we always slept over in either yours or mine, but it was too soon to talk about moving into an apartment together. That didn't mean we didn't dream about it. We often talked about our future. How we would decorate our house, what kind of pets we would have. It was autumn when I took some of my clothes to your dorm and you took some of yours to mine, so that we wouldn't have to take it each night. That way it felt like we lived together but had two homes. When Halloween came we started arguing because we wanted to decorate the dorms, but we agreed that decorating both was pointless, so we tried to decide whose dorm was the better place. Surprisingly we managed to decide in time and still decorate my dorm with Halloween decorations and fairy lights.

 

It took us at least an hour to take this picture because it had to be perfect. You were always a perfectionist while I wanted to get things done as soon as possible. You were an exception though, when I was with you I wanted the time to slow down, so that I got to spend more time with you. This is our first pumpkin that we carved together and ever since then we made the same one each year. It became our tradition.

 

I miss your cheerful laughs my baby bun.

 


 

~Day 9~

Dear Jeongguk,

 

I started cooking, so I started eating properly. I have to, I have to get better for Maya. If she sees how devastated I am, she won't be able to move on and even though it sounds wrong and even the thoughts hurt me a lot, I think it's better if she does. She is young and doesn't understand things properly, so I can't keep her in the dark forever. I can't keep giving her false hope that you will eventually come back to us. You know I took her to our bed, so she sleeps next to me now. Don't worry I put pillows on the edge, so that she wouldn't accidentally fall during her sleep. When she wakes up during the night, she still asks for you. Thankfully she is too sleepy to realize it was me who gave her the bottle of milk and not you.

 

I haven't heard anything from you, but I'll take that as a good sign because bad new spread quickly. Just like the one about your accident. I thought you were calling me to ask how much banana milk you had left or what else to buy, but instead it was one of the paramedics. I remember the exact words he said. My head started spinning, my heart was beating fast and I was just scared. They told me your condition was critical and that they didn't think you'd survive the night. I still shiver when I think about it. I thank whomever for your life even though you were taken away from me.

 

I love you Jeonggukie.

 

Your Taehyung!

 

 

With the amount of nights we spent together, it was only a matter of time before we started getting needy for each other in a not so innocent way. I love how our relationship progressed slowly because it only meant that we were serious about it and that it wasn't just a reckless decision to be satisfied or comforted when it was needed. We took our time before we first kissed and we took even more time before we started the intimacy. It was one of the colder nights of early December when we were cuddling in bed. The heater wasn't working, so we were trembling. I don't even know how or when but we started kissing and at some point, the cold didn't matter anymore. It was a long night and one of those I will always remember. We were both shy and reluctant, but the amount of trust we had in each other was enough to guide us through our first love making. I'd rather not remind you, but it was awkward at first because neither of us expected to take the next step, so we weren't prepared. We didn't want to stop and wait, so I offered to just go to the small store in our dorm area to buy everything we needed. I was so nervous when the shop assistant asked me what I was looking for. You never stopped mocking me about it.

 

This is us that night, cuddling to keep each other warm. I feel really cold nowadays because you're so far away from me.

 


 

~Day 10~

Dear Jeongguk,

 

I don't think I tell you how much I miss you enough. I don't even think it is possible to put into words you know. I had a dream with you today. We were a happy family again. You, me, Maya and Yeontan. Wait, I don't think I mentioned Tan-ah. We got Tanie after we got married and it was the fluffiest little ball of furr when we took him home for the first time. He's grown so much ever since. I miss the times when we would just rest in the living room, watching Netflix while Maya annoyed Yeontan who wanted to sleep. She really has too much energy haha sometimes even I can't keep up with her. She is like you but a smaller version of you if it makes any sense. Her hair is a lot longer now, I can make a small pony tail for her, but usually she pushes me away. I bet she would let you do whatever you wanted with her hair. She just loves you so much you know? But not more than me, but don't tell her I said that. Well, I forgot you can't really tell her anything since you don't even know us anymore </3.

 

Do you really not remember anything? Are these letters pointless? I wish I knew if I should at least keep writing. I would even if the chance was tiny.

 

I love you.

 

Your Taehyung!

 

 

Once we got the taste of love making, we did it more often just to express our love in an intimate way as well. It got better and better each time and if I'm being honest we kinda became addicted to the feeling haha we were so young back then. We didn't have responsibilities, so we could do whatever out hearts desired. Is it weird that I'm telling you this as well? I just honestly want you to know everything about us and this is a part of our relationship too, so I think it's important to mention. I hope it doesn't make you uncomfortable.

 

This is a photo from our first photoshoot we went to. We both liked taking pictures, so we figured we would go to photoshoots to capture special moments. This one is from our first Christmas. We booked an airbnb for a whole week, so we could spend the holiday together in a nicer place. We built our Christmas tree and prepared the Christmas dinner together. It was perfect Jeongguk, but what isn't perfect about you? We were one of those couples who rarely argued. We were so whipped for each other that we didn't even try to deny because nobody would believe us. Our families knew about us dating then, so we didn't have to explain why we wanted to stay in our university city.

 

Is it too early to say that all I want for the next Christmas is you?

 


 

~Day 11~

Dear Jeongguk

 

I decided to take Maya to day care tomorrow. I'll stay with her there and see how she handles it. I realized that I've been writing only about her ever since I told you about her, but that's what we did. We always talked about our beloved little girl. You were so proud of her you couldn't stop praising her. You even went to my parents to show them how she could walk already and you didn't even tell me. She is the light of our lives Jeongguk, or was. Yesterday she asked if you no longer love us and if that is why you are gone. I couldn't hold my tears back anymore, so we cried together without saying anything. You know sometimes she surprises me because she is so mature for her age and that's thanks to you. You always studied and played with her, you taught her different things while I only spoiled her. You would often scold me for spoiling her too much. But then I'd buy you a game or something to wear and you would forget about it and be happy for hours like the small baby you are.

 

Jeonggukie why does it still hurt so much? Sometimes I can't even breathe properly for a few minutes. It's when I look through our pictures when I pick them for the letters. It just all comes back to me and I feel like being slapped. It's like life is laughing at me because I have all those memories, but I don't have you anymore and you are my everything.

 

Love, your Taehyung!

 

 

After Christmas there came my birthday. You made me feel so special Jeongguk, like I was the brightest star out there. You took me out for a nice dinner, we had seafood and we both ate so much we couldn't walk for another hour, so we just sat in the restaurant and drank wine. You even had the waiters bring me a cake with a cute sparkler. They played the happy birthday song for me. You recorded the whole thing with a grin because I was so flustered since the whole restaurant was looking my way. So we ate the cake and then we went back to my dorm, or I should call it our dorm really. We played some music, lit a few candles and then you made love to me. It was the first time I bottomed, so I was nervous, but you took such a good care of me I felt heavenly. That night we just made love for hours and once we were finally done you gave me my present. We were literally naked in our bed and you just left to bring a huge ass box wrapped in one of the papers we used for Christmas. When I opened it, I started crying.

 

You took this picture because I was scared to even come close to it because it was so precious. You remembered that I wanted to start writing and just bought that to motivated me, to give me the confidence.

 

You became my muse.

 


 

~Day 12~

Dear Jeongguk,

 

Maya's first day at day care was a disaster. She was so scared of the other kids, who were crying as well by the way. She wouldn't leave me, not even for a second, so I just took her back home. I bought her one of those books with stickers, so we spent the entire afternoon sticking small animals. She knew almost everything, but it got her distracted for a while at least. When she has nothing to do, she instantly thinks of you and starts crying. I was thinking of hiring a babysitter, but I don't easily trust people and I only want the best for our angel, so I'm skeptical about it. I'm in a tough situation because I have to go back to work, but I can't leave Maya alone. I think I will go to my doctor and ask for papers, so that I can stay at home. That way I will get some money and I won't lose my job. The problem is that I'm not sure if the doctor will agree since I'm not really sick. It's just I'm hopeless.

 

Please come back to me soon, okay? I'm waiting for you, but I don't know for how long I'll last. I want to be patient, but each day is more difficult. My love for you is strong, but what if I'm forced to forget about you? Maya is my responsibility now and I'll do whatever it takes to give her what she deserves. Even if it means losing you completely and breaking my own heart into smaller shreds.

  

Your Taehyung!

 

 

This photo is from New Year’s Eve. We rented a small cottage and stayed there for a few days. Just you and me. It was so cold, but we had a nice fireplace that kept us warm. We had no internet and we decided to only turn the TV on if we had absolutely nothing else to do, so we would read books, write and draw. We had a few board games, but we usually ended up fighting when we played those, so in the end we didn't spend much time playing them. You taught me how to ski there. You were so frustrated with me because I was so scared to just let go of my fear and simply follow you, but once we passed the first stage, we enjoyed skiing in the mountains together. Each night I would make us hot chocolate with marshmallows that we drank together as we watched the sparkles in the fireplace. We really didn't need anything when we were together. It was a beautiful weekend and we started going to the same place each year until Maya was born. We didn't want to take her there yet because she was small, but we were actually planning to go there this year. Well, that was before your accident. I'm not going there without you, so maybe I'll never go there again. That place is full of our memories, so it would be wrong to go there without you. And besides, what would I even do there without you? What will I do with my life if you don't come back to me Jeongguk? I'm so scared.

 

I miss you so so much </3

 


 

~Day 13~

Dear Jeongguk,

 

I can't do it anymore. Why did you leave me? Why do you never respond to me? I've been writing these letters every day, I've been delivering it to you at the same time, I've been thinking of you without a break, I've been crying for weeks, I've been hurting for so long, yet you can't even tell me you're okay. Am I asking for too much? Is it really too much to ask my husband to come back to me and our daughter? Why is life so fucking unfair to me? Why did it give me the taste of love when it took it away from me? Why do I have to suffer so much just because of frozen road that caused a crash in the city? I don't even know how it feels to be loved. I don't remember that feeling, I don't remember your sweet nothings, your gentle touch or your beautiful face. It feels like I forget more every day. I don't even know who I am anymore because I'm no one without you.

 

I hate you so much for leaving that night. I hate that it wasn't me who got in the car and drove away. No, actually I'm glad it was you because I wouldn't want you to lose me like I lost you. I wouldn't want you to go through what I'm going through. I hate that you forgot about me, I hate that you ignore me, I hate that you don't care about my misery, I hate that you don't care about us anymore. I hate you Jeongguk, yet I love you so much. I can't contain my own feelings anymore. I'm drowning in depression and there is no one to save me. I'm not going to lie anymore. I'm not fine and I never will be if you're gone.

 

Your Taehyung!

 

 

At some point of our life we both graduated. First me, then you. We went to each other's prom and this picture is one of many that were taken on my prom night. We were supposed to take a couple picture, me sitting on the chair and you standing behind me. Simple as that, but your extra butt didn't think it'd be enough, so you started peppering kisses all over my face. The photographer cooed and she took many pictures that she sent us privately. We have a photo album made just for our proms. You know we always printed our pictures and organized them into albums, so we could have a look at them any time we wanted. They are all in the living-room and we used to always pick one album and just think back together. The prom album is my third favorite, after our wedding and honeymoon album, but we'll get there later. The theme of my prom was 'Royal' and yours was 'Fabulous'. We really did enjoy those nights. We could dance together to the sweet music that played in the background, we drank champagne and ate cakes, but I reassure you that it was nothing compared to our wedding. Our day was perfect and we planned it for a year or more, so that we had everything we wanted. As I said, you're a perfectionist and that's why our wedding was unique, smooth, romantic and simply unforgettable.

 

I miss you, love of my life.


 

~Day 14~

Dear Jeongguk,

 

I'm really sorry about the letter I wrote yesterday. I sat in the car for like ten minutes, thinking about whether or not I should deliver it. We've been through a lot together and that's why you deserve to see all of me even now, when you don't know who I am. You loved me with all my imperfections which is something I'm really grateful for. I was thinking what if my overreaction scares him away and I lose all my chances for good, but I figured I couldn't just hide that part of me to make you like me again, so as always, I put the letter and the flowers on your doormat. I hope you're not angry or disgusted because of the words I said. I really don't blame you for what I'm going through because it's not like you chose to forget me.

 

I wrote the letter because I had a mental breakdown. My mom came over to look after Maya while I went to my doctor to ask her for help. It turned out that the doctor no longer works there and a new one replaced her. You know I was close to Mrs. Smith and I was positive she'd help me, but with the new one I had no idea. I gave it a shot anyway, but not only did she say no, she also kicked me out saying I should find a new doctor. So, once again, I was devastated. Nothing works without you.

 

I love you baby bun.

 

Your Taehyung!

 

 

After we both graduated and got a job, we started thinking about us from a bigger perspective. We started thinking of buying a small house together, but of course we needed money first, so we decided to rent a small flat to begin with. It wasn't much, but we shared lots of happy moments there. We'd been taking for years then, so we figured that was it, like we rarely had problems and if we did, we managed to sort it out quickly without fighting too much. We never stopped loving each other less, quite the opposite actually. When we started living together, everything became real you know? We had our own place and even though we spent almost each night together at the dorms, it was different.

 

With all the new domestic feelings, it was only a matter of time before we talked about marriage. I'd already bought a ring for you and started preparing the engagement night when one day we were simply lying in our bed and you said you wanted to marry me out of blue. I don't know why, but it made me, so happy so I simply forgot about romance and took out the ring, saying 'Do it then'. You were so surprised you started crying and didn't even say anything for half an hour. It wasn't a fancy engagement, but we didn't care because the only thing that mattered was our love. We went to celebrate it, of course, we even had a photoshoot, but the random proposal in our bed was what we've always been thinking about ever since.

 

I miss you.


 

~Day 15~

Dear Jeongguk,

 

I went to work today, I talked to the headmaster and explained everything. She said she's terribly sorry about what happened to you, what happened to us and our family. She said she'd ask the classes I teach, if they would agree with online classes! Imagine that Jeongguk! If my students agreed to help me that way, I could both work to earn money and stay with Maya, so she wouldn't have to go to day care or anything. My students love me as much as I love them, so I'm sure they won't mind it. I'll write them and explain my situation. Can you believe it? Things might finally start working out. Maybe I will be able to sleep at night without worrying about the next day? I'm really tired you know, but I don't let people know because I don't want to worry them even more than they already are.

 

I really hope that things are good for you as well. You don't have to worry about work, you're still on paternity leave. Don't worry I won't cause any troubles for you, so you can use the money to take care of yourself, plus I transferred some money to your account from our saving account. It's not much, but it will keep you safe for now. I'm sorry I forgot to mention that earlier and I'm sorry but for now I can't give you more. When I start working again and I know that I can manage, I will be able to send you more. I will always take care of you Jeongguk, even if you don't want me to.

 

I love you dearly.

 

Your Taehyung!

 

 

We planned our wedding for something over a year. We wanted everything to be perfect. We visited dozens of places to find the best place for the event. We went to castles, churches, gardens, beaches, but in the end, we picked a small garden that was far from the city. It was meant for weddings, so the place was absolutely stunning. When we went to check it out, it was being prepared for a wedding, so we got to see how it would look if we went for it and I think that was one of the reasons we booked it. The fresh air, the trees, the flowers, the lanterns and fairy lights, it was all like a fairytale. So, once we had the place, we started preparing the invitations and the announcements. We struggled with the guests because we agreed to have a small wedding, but there were too many people whom we couldn't not invite, so we ended up having almost two hundred people. In the end, it was all worth it because I'm not lying when I tell you it was the best party of the century.

 

Before the wedding, we had a photoshoot because right after the ceremony we were going to leave for our honeymoon, so we had to do it before. It was so much fun. The photos turned out beautiful as well. We put these two on our fireplace, so that it reminded us that we truly belong to each other now. Or did.

 

If you come back to me, I'm never letting you go again.

 


 

~Day 16~

Dear Jeongguk,

 

Maya cried a lot today, she misses you so much. She was fine until she saw one of the photo albums I left on the table. She started listing through it and it made her cry. It's the album from her birthday photoshoot. All three of us together. So I picked her up from the floor and she hugged me so tightly, whispering how much she wanted to see you. I really couldn't get her to calm down and I was starting to get worried because she started having problems to breathe, but then I promised her I would take her to see you soon. Empty promise, but it helped for the time being, I'll face the consequences later. It's been over two weeks baby and I still got no response from you, so I assume that's it, right? We're never going to be a family again. I'll never hold you in my arms, I'll never get to kiss your lips again, I'll never sleep next to you, I'll never wake up to the scent of your pancakes, I'll never see you play with Maya, I'll never hold your hand while we shop for groceries, I'll never be able to hug you while you cook, I'll never hear you complain, I'll never hear your jokes, I'll never make love to you again, hell maybe I will never even see you again. I don't want to think about it because if that's the case I'll probably want to die because that's better than being without you.

 

I love you.

 

Your Taehyung!

 

 

Our honeymoon was the sweetest two weeks we spent together. It was all nicely planned because we visited many countries. We didn't want to go for a casual Maldives or Bora Bora honeymoon, so we picked a few places we wanted to visit and we made a small tour around the world. We saw big cities, small villages, deserts, beaches, forests and so much more. We combined everything into one trip and honestly we just made so many memories there, we took so many pictures we had to divide them into three albums. It was just us you know? We turned off our phones, we decided to ignore social media, so we could just enjoy each other's presence. And we did. During the day we'd go out to explore the countries and during the night we explored each other (not that there was anything left to explore).

 

This picture is from Dubai where we decided to have a photoshoot. It was in the middle of our honeymoon, so we thought it was the perfect time to capture our happiness since we'd already been having so much fun and we were about to have even better time. I think those two weeks was the clingiest we ever got. We spent almost every second together, always holding hands, hugging and kissing. This photo is a good proof, although I have even better evidence, but I don't think it'd be appropriate to show it to you just like that. I mean I wouldn't mind if I knew you would get it for sure and that it wouldn't end up elsewhere because it's a bit private you know.

 

Miss you!


 

~Day 17~

Dear Jeongguk,

 

I wonder if I could fall in love again. If I lose hope, if I think it's really over between us, do you think I could forget about everything we built together and find someone? Maybe you've already fallen in love with someone else. I'm not sure if my heart would be able to let go of you. Today I saw a guy and I thought he was good-looking, but I instantly thought of you and how you would always spank my butt every time I checked someone out just to play with you. I don't think I can be happy with anyone except you. But I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, so at some point I think I'll have to find someone right? I mean they say time heals, so maybe I'll be able to get over this pain? For now it seems surreal, but what if one day I meet someone I might like. I would probably keep comparing them to you because I doubt anyone could be as perfect as you are. I'd also feel guilty if I kissed someone who isn't you. We're still married and for now you haven't asked for a divorce. I've thought of that actually. What would I do if I woke up one day and found divorce request papers in my post box? I would probably break into pieces that wouldn't be able to get back together again.

 

Give me a chance at loving you please.

 

Your Taehyung!

 

 

When we got back from our honeymoon and got back to the routine, we started missing something. We wanted something that'd belong to us, something we could love and take care of. We knew adoption was a long and a very complicated process, so we wanted to wait with that until we had a house because that'd surely help with the adoption for our flat was too small. But big enough for a baby puppy. We both loved dogs, so there wasn't much to discuss. We got Yeontan from my dad's friend. We were so happy when we got him, we both took a day off just to play with him and to make him feel comfortable around us. He was really small, but curious and it took him less than ten minutes to explore the whole flat. We put a small barrier in the living-room, so that he wouldn't walk around during the night and accidentally hurt himself or something. Honestly, I think we spoiled him too much. Whenever we went grocery shopping, we'd get him a toy or a special snack, but seeing him happy made us feel happy too, so it was all worth it in the end.

 

This is me holding Tanie when we first took him to our flat. I don't think I gave you a photo of just myself, so here is one with our first baby. Getting Yeontan was the first step of having a family together.

 

I love you Jeonggukie <3

 


~Day 18~

Dear Jeongguk,

 

I had my online class today and it was so much fun! The students told me they missed me and we just chatted a bit before we started our lesson. It was about Impressionism, my favorite. It was just the introduction, but I could tell that the students really liked it. We talked about Claude Monet and I showed them some of his works. I had to take down some of our photos, so that I had a free wall and I could use it to display everything I needed. It was the first time I used the data projector I got from my parents for Christmas years ago and I couldn't be more thankful because I can't afford buying more than I need to at the moment.

 

Maya liked it too. She actually sat on the couch and watched me quietly. That was until she figured out there were people on the other end and she started fishing for their attention. But the students didn't mind and simply thought she was adorable. She is super curious, just like you. The more time I spend with her alone, the more she resembles you when it comes to the personality of course. I see you in her and sometimes it just hurts me you know? Just watching her hurts me.

 

I don't like this Jeongguk, I want you back already.

 

Your Taehyung.

 

 

As time passed, we managed to save up a lot to be able to afford an old house. We had to take a mortgage, which I will have to pay probably until the end of my life. I didn't expect you to leave me, so I didn't count with the possibility of having to pay it on my own, but please don't worry about it because it's not your fault and I can't make you pay for a place where you no longer live.

 

Anyway, we spent a lot of time to renovate the place, but it was worth in the end. We took this picture one day before we were supposed to move in. Everything was ready we just wanted to say goodbye to our flat because it was our first home after all. We put so much effort into making the house as cozy as possible. We picked everything together, even the smallest details like pillows or flowers. Everything had to be perfect. We even made Maya's room before we knew we'd be able to have a baby, but everything had to be ready for adoption, so we made sure to have all the essentials. Our bedroom is twice as big as we had in the old flat. Sorry I don't have any photos from the apartment for you to see the difference, but if you ever come back you'll see that it's really big. It feels tiny when you’re not there with me though.

 

I miss the home we made together.

 


 

~Day 19~

Dear Jeongguk,

 

I feel better. It's been almost a month since the accident, I don't love you any less, but I feel better. I've come to accept that you're not coming back. Maybe I'm impatient, maybe you need more time, but I feel discouraged since I got no response from you. Maya got used to the lack of your presence, so I feel at peace. We still sleep together in our bed, but now she asks for me when she wakes up during the night. I learned how to take care of  her properly, I promise I read and play with her enough to teach her things. I also speak Korean with her, so that she can learn because it's easier for children like her to learn languages. I thought it'd be nice if she could speak our native language even though it's been ages since we visited our homeland and she isn't even Korean. I think I'm taking good care of her, so you don't have to be worried. I think you'd be proud of me if you remembered.

 

Yoongi and Jimin came to visit us yesterday! They didn't say they were coming, so I kind of hoped it was you? I always do when somebody knocks on the door. I was disappointed for a second, but then I saw Yoongi holding a small boy. They finally got to adopt as well!!! He's a bit younger than our girl, but they played all afternoon together and it was the cutest thing I've ever seen! Things start to look brighter.

 

I wish you were there with us.

 

Your Taehyung!

 

 

So finally this day has arrived. I can introduce you to our little angel. Maya was born on the 20th of December, so it'll be her birthday soon. I'll throw a small party for her, you're invited of course, so you can come, but only if you want to. Anyway, she was so small when she was born, so we were afraid to even hold her, but you managed to get over the fear quickly. I think when we saw her for the first time and realized she was ours, it was the happiest moment of our life. We read countless of books about how to raise children, but I think the real life experience was what helped us the most. Like when she got sick for the first time, we didn't think about the books, we simply did what we thought was right. We just found our own way how to take care of her.

 

She's grown up a lot since, as you can see on the picture that was taken in summer. You know it's lucky that teachers get a break during summer, so we could spend lots of time together and go on trips. We traveled a bit, but we mostly stayed just within the country. We ate watermelon almost every day and told her that if she eats the seeds, a small melon will grow in her tummy, so she started crying once she accidentally ate a seed. It took you a while to calm her down, but it was adorable. One letter is not enough to tell you all about our baby girl, but I hope that one day I could tell you everything in person.

 

We still miss you.


 

Taehyung's hand shook when he closed the last envelope. He wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing, but there was something inside him that simply wanted to move on. He couldn't keep torturing himself with false hope which was why he wrote what he did. It had to end one day.

 

His heart ached when he held the black envelope and the biggest bouquet he's ever bought. He put in on the backseat and went back inside to get his daughter. If it was supposed to be a goodbye, it was going to be a proper one. "Let's go angel, where are you?" He called the girl.

 

A few moments later Maya appeared, wearing her yellow raincoat, holding a fully kitten plushie in her small arms. "I'm taking Marshmallow with me," she said and and lifted her foot, so that Taehyung could put on the matching yellow rain boots. Even the weather was gloomy.

 

Taehyung forced a smile as he lifted his daughter, so that they could leave. He felt empty as he locked the door and walked towards the car, putting the girl in her seat behind him. He started the engine and drove away, feeling more nervous with each kilometer he passed.

 

He knew he didn't have much time to mourn before he'd park close to his husband's house, so he allowed himself to think about all the happy moments they spent together one last time. He pictured everything, watching the images get teared into pieces right in front of his eyes.

 

It was only a matter of time until he lost his soulmate completely, he just hoped he'd have the strength to wait a little longer. He checked on Maya who was fast asleep even though they've been driving only for about ten minutes. The sight managed to make him smile and speed up.

 

The silence was suffocating, but he wasn't in the mood to listen to music. He felt like he was going to a funeral. He was going to bury all the memories he created with Jeongguk, he was going to dig a grave to let their love rest forever, to put an end to it all and to forget.

 

Every inch of his body felt numb when he pulled over, not letting go of the steering wheel. He looked at the backseat to see the envelope and the flowers. It was time to let go. He took a deep breath before he got out of the car and took the sleeping girl into his arms carefully.

 

He kissed the top of her head as soon as she found a comfortable spot in the crook of her father's neck. "We'll be fine," he whispered, leaning to grab the last letter and the last bouquet he'd ever give to his beloved husband. He locked the car, turning around to face the fate.

 

The last thing he wanted was to take a step forward, to walk the last path, but he looked at his daughter and figured it'd be better for her. And so, with his watery eyes, he joined the final journey of love. The wind was strong, so he pulled Maya's hoodie on to keep her warm.

 

The grey sky matched the emotion he was dealing with. Loss. He was about to lose the last sparkle of hope he'd tried to keep alive for as long as possible. But nothing lasts forever, so he continued walking, letting the cold breeze mess up his hair. First tears found a way out.

 

He was trying to blink them away when he noticed a road made out of petals. The flowers were dry, some of them flying around because of the wind. There was something else that caught Taehyung's attention. A small envelope. He was trembling then and he knew it wasn't from the cold.

 

To say he was terrified would be an understatement. He stood there for a whole minute before he leaned down to pick it up, sweeping a couple of petals from the top. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know what was inside, he’d already accepted the end, but he needed to know.


 

~To Kim Taehyung~

Dear Taehyung,

 

when I started reading your letters, I remembered nothing except the tears in yours eyes when I woke up in the hospital. I had no idea who you were or what you were to me, so it was hard for me to believe you were my husband.

 

My life was a mess when I returned home, I didn't know where to start or what to do. I was desperate, hopeless, scared and mostly lost. Lost in my own life. I had nothing that'd help me get through the situation, but it was my own fault since I distanced myself from everyone who claimed to know me

.

I was lost until I started getting your letters. At first, it was just curiosity that made me open the first envelope. I didn't know what to expect and honestly, I wasn't even that fond of the content because it constantly reminded me that I hurt someone I didn't even know.

 

At some point I figured out you delivered the letters at the same time and I watched you. I waited for you every day and watched you leave. As days passed I started feeling this tickling feeling in my stomach while I was reading what you had to tell me. I kept all the flowers even after they died. I have them all in the living-room together with each letter.

 

To me, everything you said felt like a fantasy world, a world I wanted to belong to, but it felt so foreign, so I didn't gather enough courage to try and explore it which I'm sorry about. I'm sorry for hurting you like that, I'm sorry for being a coward.

 

Maybe I was scared that the life you pictured for me wasn't mine. I was not the same person you knew and I was afraid of disappointing you. I was scared I would get attached and then you'd be the one leaving me. It was selfish of me, I know that and I'm sorry, but I fell in love with your words, I fell in love with you even though I had no idea who you were.

 

I cried many times when you talked about how much you missed me and I couldn’t do anything about it because I still remembered nothing. There was something about the words you said that gave me hope. Your patience and your will made me become more optimistic. I smiled every time you shared a memory from our life and I even began daydreaming about it.

 

Then you started getting better and I was scared you’d stop coming, but you never did. It was when I started having dreams about you. At first, I thought it was just my mind imagining things, but I realized soon after that those things were real and that I was getting parts of our life. I was starting to remember.

 

I wanted to reach out to you earlier, but I was still unsure about it because obviously I didn’t remember everything. I wanted to go back to you, but I was afraid you wouldn’t want the new me. I didn’t know how different I was from the Jeongguk you knew, so once again I decided to just stay inside and watch you leave. I really wanted to just run into your arms and to learn more about us from you. To start over, to make things right and to make you happy again because from the things you said, I figured we were very happy together.

 

But now I know. I remember you, I remember Tanie and I remember our daughter. I want our family back, but I'm afraid you are too hurt to take me back. I can't even imagine how much you must have been hurting and I will never forgive myself for doing that to you. I have no idea what I would do without you if the situation would be reverse.

 

It may be late, but if you are reading this, you are standing in front of my house. I used all the flowers you sent me to create a path that you can either ignore or take. I'm waiting in the living room which is where the flowers will lead you if you decide to take me back. I will understand if it's not what you want anymore, but please think about it before you leave.

 

You made me fall in love with you twice Kim Taehyung. I think you would be able to charm me even if I died and came back to life because you are simply my soulmate. That's what we always called each other when we started dating, right?

 

I loved you then, I love you now and I will love you forever if you give me a chance to fix everything. I want nothing more than to return to you and Maya, I want to take care of both of you again. Please, Tae, please follow the flowers and come take me back.

 

Your Jeongguk!


 

Taehyung couldn't hold back a whimper that escaped his lips when he read over the words. It was fate, or so he thought. It wasn't a coincidence, it was their destiny. They were meant to be and that moment made Taehyung realize that Jeongguk was indeed his soulmate, irreplaceable.

 

Without a moment of hesitation, he followed the petals up to the door that was slightly open, letting the refreshing wind inside. He paused when he placed his palm on the door as if he was thinking if it was real. What if he was making up things to make himself feel better?

 

Would he be able to face yet another rejection from the love of his life? He was feeling better, so what if he ended up right where he began? Would he be able to get back up? He wasn't sure, but he knew it was worth it. He came there to end it all, but he got a new ray of hope.

 

He opened the door and crossed the threshold. The house was quiet, as if no one ever lived there, but Taehyung's been to the house many times, so he knew better. His breathing became unsteady as he followed the flowers to the place where he'd face his destiny. He was nervous.

 

Taking one last step, he entered the living-room. His eyes fell on the boy who was rubbing his arms as if he was cold. Jeongguk was facing the wall, watching the clock that hung above a bookshelf. It was real. Jeongguk was waiting for him. Maybe it was time for their happy ending.

 

"J-Jeongguk?" Taehyung asked, his voice cracking for his throat felt dry. He approached the younger who stopped moving as soon as he heard the older's voice. "Is it true? D-do you remember?" Taehyung was careful with his words, not wanting to jump to conclusions just yet.

 

The younger boy turned around slowly to meet both his husband and his daughter. There was no time to hold tears back for the sight felt like coming home after a very long time. "You c-came," he whispered and took a step forward, his eyes falling on the sleeping girl.

 

They were both fragile, afraid of touching each other because they feared a potential heartbreak again. "Did you really think I wouldn't?" Taehyung asked, getting the younger's attention again. They stared at each other, tears falling down their cheeks. They had so many questions.

 

Jeongguk dared to cup the older's cheek, feeling happy when Taehyung leaned into the touch with a quite sob. "I'm so sorry," Jeongguk whispered, pulling the two people that mattered the most into his arms. "I'm really sorry you had to go through this," he repeated, feeling guilty.

 

Shaking his head, Taehyung pressed their foreheads together. "It's not your fault. Just-" He gulped, he needed to know what was going to happen, he wanted to be sure he had his husband back. "Is it true? What you wrote in the letter? Do you really remember us? Do you want us?"

 

Jeongguk smiled and simply nodded with his eyes closed. He let the moment embrace them for a while before he remembered he needed reassurance too. "W-will you take me back? Will you let me love you again?" Jeongguk pulled back to look into the older's brown eyes, to see him.

 

"You didn't even have to ask that," Taehyung chuckled in between his sobs, adjusting the girl in his arms since he's been holding her for quite a while now. He noticed Jeongguk was looking at Maya fondly and he knew exactly what he was thinking. "Hold her, I know you want to."

 

Jeongguk nodded and took his daughter into his arms, pulling the hoodie down so he could see her properly. "Hey there angel," he whispered before he pressed several kissed onto her forehead. He closed his eyes as he hugged her tightly, rocking her from one side to another.

 

Maya slowly opened her eyes, blinking the sleep away. She shifted in Jeongguk's arms and panicked for a moment when she realized it wasn't Taehyung who was holding her, but it took her only a few seconds to figured out the situation. "Daddy? You came back? You still love us?"

 

The words made Jeongguk chuckle as he let more of his tears fall onto his cheeks. "Of course I love you, both of you," he said, looking at Taehyung who was trying to deal with his mixed emotions as he watched the reunion. Jeongguk took the older's hand and squeezed it tightly.

 

"And I'm never leaving you again," he said, resting his head on his husband's shoulder. "And if I ever get lost again, I will find a way back. I promise," he said, looking up to see the older's smile. He smiled back and kissed the girl's temple before he let her sit on the couch.

 

Taehyung couldn't take it anymore, he hugged the younger tightly before he looked at him and simply pressed their lips together in a long-awaited kiss. The feeling couldn't even be compared to a colorful paradise with thousands of flowers and trees that made it look heavenly. Their love was more powerful than that. The happiness and euphoria couldn't be put in words, but it could be expressed through the slow movements of their lips when their saliva was mixed with the tears that washed the pain away from their hearts. "I love you so much Jeongguk."

 

Jeongguk wiped their tears and a bunny smile appeared on his face. They were all reunited, not wishing for any more or any less. "And I love you too, so," he said, stroking the older's cheek bones gently.

 

"So?" Taehyung's lips formed a box from how he smiled.

 

"Take me home?"


 

"You know, you never told me what was written in the last letter," Jeongguk said out of blue once the light of their room were long gone. He rested his chin on his husband's chest and looked at him, playing with his hair. It's been a while since he brought it up.

 

Taehyung smiled at him as he bopped his nose. "I'm surprised you still haven't checked. They sell the book literally in every store," he said, caressing the younger's cheeks. They rarely mentioned what happened over a year ago anymore, but there was something lacking in the story.

 

"Well, you asked me not to, so I respected your wishes," Jeongguk clicked his tongue as he laid on his half of the bed, turning towards Taehyung to look at him. "I won't check until you show me yourself." He insisted, leaning over to press a soft kiss on his lover's lips.

 

The couple managed to get over what happened eventually. They were careful around each other at first, but soon things went back to normal and they became a family again. Maya started going to day care and Jeongguk went back to work. As long as they were together, they were happy.

 

Taehyung thought about it for a second, looking at the younger's doe eyes and appreciating his presence by his side. "Okay, I'll show you, but it's not very nice," he said before he got up and disappeared in their walk-in closet. He was soon back with a black envelope.

 

"It's black," Jeongguk said, sitting up to observe the hidden secret. Taehyung didn't want him to see what was written inside because he knew it might disappoint the boy, but he figured it's been a long time ago, so it was okay to finally satisfy the younger's curiosity.

 

Jeongguk didn't hesitate before he took out a small paper. It was just a page-long letter which was surprising because Taehyung's letters were always a lot longer. He took a deep breath and started reading the words that were supposed to end everything between them for good.


 

~Last letter~

Dearest Jeongguk,

 

I can't do this anymore. I can't bear this heartbreak. I thought I would be able to last longer, but it hurts too much and I can't deal with this much pain. So, this is my last letter. Not because I don't love you anymore, but because it's too painful. I don't want to give myself false hope and most importantly I want to fix my life for Maya.

 

I'm really sorry I wasn't strong enough to wait for you. I hope you forgive me for being so weak. It breaks my heart to write this, knowing I will have to say goodbye to you tomorrow, to put everything we built behind and eventually, to forget. I figured how difficult it is to let go of someone you love dearly only now. Especially when it's voluntary. I would wait for you for years if I knew you were coming back, but I don't know that which is why I decided to let our love die.

 

I can't leave without saying how much I love you one last time. From the day I met you up until now, my heart truly belonged to you and you only. For years, you were the only man in my life and the only one I wanted to love until the end. Sadly, things don't exactly go according to what we expect. I love you so much Jeongguk.

 

Goodbye.


 

Tears rolled down the boy's cheeks as he put the letter inside the envelope again. "You were going to give up?" Jeongguk asked, snuggling closer to Taehyung who opened his arms for him, expecting the reaction.

 

"I was," Taehyung admitted, peppering kisses all over the boy's face.

 

There was a moment of silence when their lips met in a reassuring kiss. "I guess I can't blame you for it," Jeongguk chuckled, wiping the few tears that created wet traces on his skin. "For what it's worth, I'm glad I managed to man up just in time," he said with a soft smile.

 

Taehyung hummed in agreement, pulling the boy for yet another kiss before he laid back again. "That day, I was going to end it and you were going to restore it. It can't have been a coincidence," Taehyung was thinking out loud about their destined reunion. "It was fate."

"You never told me," Jeongguk said, covering them with a warm blanket, so they could get ready to sleep.

 

"We had a lot of things to deal with, so I didn't want to add up to our problems," he replied calmly, stroking his husband's hair.

 

"But you wrote a book about it," he joked.

 

Taehyung chuckled, thinking about the irony. Their story made him inspired to share it with the world because he was proud. Proud that their love was so true, that it was unbreakable no matter the obstacles. He wanted people to know how much they loved each other.

 

"Guess I did."