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queen v

- I JUST HAD SEX

- AND IT FELT SO GOOOOOODD

 

iliketrains

- IT’S BEEN A MONTH STOP ANNOUNCING WHEN YOU HAVE SEX.

 

queen v  

- N E V E R

- come on Albert, me getting dicked isnt the problem. u and ur boyf just need to bone 

 

iliketrains

- What did you say? 

 

The Governess

- Don’t say it again.

 

queen v

- i said you two need to bone

 

iliketrains

- hhhhhhhhhowwwwwww dare you Victoria Alexandrina Strathearn-Kent I aM YOUR YOUNGER COUSIN

- B O N E

- Whatever happens in my bedroom is none of your business.

- BOOOOoooOooOOoooOONE

- Don’t ever speak to me like that again.

 

queen v

- now that albert’s finished being a meme lovng fuck we can now get back to how great that sex was

 

AlfieP

- Please stop talking about dickings.

 

EinsZweiDrei

- says the most flamboyant dude in this chat

 

ShrubsRGr8

- Dude ur pretty flamboyant after enough jaegerbombs 

 

EinsZweiDrei  

- okay so when Gheorghe goes down on Johnny it’s “relevant to the plot line” but when i go down on someone it’s “inappropriate” and “not what club toilets are for” 

 

queen v

- @ShrubsRGr8 pls control ur boyf 

 

ShrubsRGr8  

- I can only control one of them at a time and this deutsch dick doesn’t get that once i’ve exfoliated and put night cream on I’m not going to drag him back home

 

AlfieP

- WAIT WAS THAT GOD’S OWN COUNTRY

 

EinsZweiDrei  

- Y E S 

 

NancyNotEliza

- is that the film where i got a snap of some white dudes w/ their entire dicks out 

 

AlfieP

- ,,,

- Listen. It is art. 

 

emmarino

- it isn’t art if you’re just using it for jerk off material 

 

AlfieP

- Excuse you, I have my boyfriend for that. He’s like a vacuum. 

 

emmarino

- ??????????

 

AlfieP

- Great at sucking.

 

The Governess

- VATER UNSER IM HIMMEL

- GEHEILIGT WERDE DEIN NAME

 

iliketrains

- Are you ever going to introduce him to the rest of the squad? 

 

AlfieP

- He will never be defiled by this group’s sinning.

 

queen v

- unhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i wanna know the dude who fucks u so good i swear you’re more chill

 

EinsZweiDrei  

- the magic of a good lay

 

iliketrains

- Shoving your dick in someone repeatedly doesn’t count.

 

NancyNotEliza

- 999 THERES BEEN A MURDER

 

ShrubsRGr8

- lads I just got a text saying that I need to defend his honour

 

EinsZweiDrei  

- THAT WAS

- P R I V A T E

 

ShrubsRGr8

- OUR SEX LIFE WOULD BE PRIVATE IF YOU KNEW HOW TO KEEP YOUR FUCKIN MOUTH SHUT

 

queen v

- sis im so sorry for the loss of ur sex life 

 

ShrubsRGr8  

- nah it’s all good, he gives great head.

 

iliketrains  

- I’ll add that to the list of things I never needed to know about my brother. 

 

The Governess

- I’m with you on that front.

 

emmarino

- @god Why do you allow suffering. 

 

queen v

- morgan freeman up there in the Sky just like “bc bants” 

 

NancyNotEliza

- are u implying god is a lad

 

AlfieP

- I’m getting distinct vibes that he goes to Nando’s every week. 

 

EinsZweiDrei

- He would so get lemon and herb thats so peak

 

queen v  

- fuck you lemon and herb is good at least it doesn’t burn your entire fucking mouth, you batteryless hitachi wand

 

iliketrains

-iconic.

- How was your date with Melbourne? 

 

The Governess  

- You really had to ask, didn’t you? 

 

queen v

- IT

- WAS

-AMAZING

- we went to Kew Gardens and he taught me all this shit bout flower meanings and other romantic stuff

- i brought up the whole belgium thing and he was hella chill

 

ShrubsRGr8  

-wait what.

- The fuck did I miss???

- Belgium???? 

 

queen v

- oh yah i forgot to mention

- Im probs going there for a placement, uncle leopold pulled some strings so im gonna be working at the national archives or some shit 

 

NancyNotEliza

- damn that’s some fancy shit goin on there

- good luck on placement

- So he took It well???????

 

queen v  

- he was so fuccing sweet about it

- he said he didn’t want to hold me back n that distance might keep up calm with the whole thing plus i have a feelin he’ll feel better about it if im not around whilst he’s still teaching but he said he’ll come visit me and i’ll be back for christmas so we get to kiss under the mistletoe

- i fuckin love being in love

 

iliketrains

- Gay. 

 

EinsZweiDrei

- says mr i-got-a-boyf

 

NancyNotEliza

- Omg that’s acc so cute tho can we meet him????

 

iliketrains

- I can ask.

- He has a meeting so he can’t get back to me at the moment.

 

emmarino

- thats so grown up lmao “i have a meeting” my main meeting is with this can of dark fruits 

 

queen v

- the nectar of gods

 

emmarino  

- say goodbye to dark fruits now ur in Belgium 

 

AlfieP

- wow can you hear that tiny violin.

 

queen v

- @EinsZweiDrei im counting on you to bring me dark fruits when you go home

 

EinsZweiDrei

- Im German????? Coburg is home????

 

The Governess  

- If someone tells me what dark fruits is, then I’ll bring it to you 

 

queen v

- (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧ 

 

iliketrains

- If I have to drag my boyf into this everyone else has to drag their S/O into this franken-group chat. 

 

queen v

- what is this, fucking love interest HQ?????

 

EinsZweiDrei

- hell yeah now we got Business 

 

ShrubsRGr8  

- how bout i do,,,,, ~anyway~

 

AlfieP

- I see your sneaky plan and I raise this: fuck off 

 

NancyNotEliza

- fuck yea my gf loves y’all anyway 

 

NancyNotEliza has added catolic to LITstory 2k17

 

catolic

- babe are these all the gays you told me about???? 

 

AlfieP

- Hello, head gay here, welcome to our personal corner of post-grad hell.

 

NancyNotEliza

- this is my gf Cleary 

 

The Governess  

- Quite an odd name. 

 

catolic

- english people fuck up my first name all the time lmao so i just use my surname 

 

queen v

- what is it??????

 

catolic

- Saoirse

- and yes, like the actress

 

queen v

- i could go gay for the actress

 

catolic

- Join the club

 

emmarino

- quick question are u a catholic who can’t spell

 

catolic

- nope im a catholic who loves cats

- In the name of the father the son and my cat

 

iliketrains

- I love you already.

 

NancyNotEliza

- hands off youve got a boyf.

 

catolic

- we adopted a cat together I’m pretty sure we’re in a committed relationship 

 

AlfieP

- awwwwww Gay.

 

queen v  

- hold ur fuckin horses im not letting you go on this 

 

- at this rate we’re going to start guessing who this mystery man is 

 

AlfieP

- id like to see you try

 

EinsZweiDrei

- alexander romanov 

 

AlfieP

- Youre so wrong it’s homophobic

 

emmarino

- That cute guy who worked at lush

 

ShrubsRGr8

- god he was so dreamy 

 

EinsZweiDrei

- Hotter than me? 

 

ShrubsRGr8

- easily

 

EinsZweiDrei

- binch

- Wb Alberts man? 

 

iliketrains

- Hey quick question

- What the everloving fuck?

 

The Governess  

- is he out of his meeting yet.

 

iliketrains  

- Unfortunately yes and now I have to add him. 

 

iliketrains has added PotatoPeeler to LITstory 2k17

 

iliketrains

- First off, I’d like to apologise for everything you’ll have to read in this group chat. 

 

queen v

- hey thats not nice you love ur fave cousin

 

PotatoPeeler

- Victoria I presume. 

 

queen v

- in the flesh

 

AlfieP

- ROBERT I WILL LITERALLY PAY YOU IF YOU DON’T TELL THEM ANYTHING ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND

 

PotatoPeeler

- ???

 

EinsZweiDrei

- he’s convinced we’d defile him with our group chat sinning

 

AlfieP

- at this point it’s just because it’s annoyingly you all.

 

NancyNotEliza

- @PotatoPeeler if you say yes we’ll never find out anything more than his first name

 

catolic

- yah but money

 

PotatoPeeler

- I have no clue who anyone is, who in God’s name is everyone?

 

The Governess

- @queen v you started all of this, you ought to introduce everyone 

 

queen v  

- can someone play the benny hill theme in the background i feel like we’’ll need it

- I’m Victoria, cousin to the Coburgs, v in love with my boyf 

 

iliketrains

- WE HEAR ENOUGH ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE ALREADY 

 

queen v  

- F U C K

- O F F

- You know albert and Ernest already

- @The Governess is basically my mum in all but blood

- @emmarino is emma

- @ShrubsRGr8 is harriet, in open relationship w/ ernest

- @AlfieP is alfred n we’re tryna find out who his boyf is

- @NancyNotEliza is nancy, dating @catolic, call her cleary

 

catolic

- y’all wanna hear a funny story??

- Nancy’s ex is my stepbrother 

 

queen v

- WAIT WHAT

- FRANCATELLI?!

- AS IN BIRTHDAY CAKE FRANCATELLI?????

 

NancyNotEliza

- family dinners are awkward af

- as a bro he’s alright 

 

emmarino

- @queen v add William to this.

 

queen v has added Rooks PhD to LITstory 2k17  

 

queen v

- PROF M (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧ 

 

Rooks PhD

- Well this is unexpected.

 

queen v

- we’ve turned this chat into love interest hq 

 

Rooks PhD

- not sure if I should be honoured or not.

 

iliketrains

- ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

 

PotatoPeeler

- Prof M?

 

AlfieP

- He was one of our lecturers at university and they were pining for a g e s but now they’re together 

 

queen v  

- yo so i found someone who knows your ur boyf is 

 

AlfieP

- At this point I’ve given up

- I have no fucks left

- Look upon the field upon which my fucks grow

- You will notice it is barren 

 

emmarino

- are you done? 

 

AlfieP

- If I have to be. 

 

queen v has added minace to LITstory 2k17

 

Rooks PhD

- I swear this group chat wasn’t always this crowded.

 

PotatoPeeler

- I don’t even entirely know what I’m doing here. 

 

iliketrains

- Do not fret, Liebes. 

 

queen v

- @Minace hit us up with the juicy gossip 

 

Minace

- First off, @AlfieP i’m surprised you’ve kept it a secret so long. 

 

AlfieP

- It’s fun watching them get increasingly pissed off w/ me.

 

Minace

- I will say tho that the only reason why i know who he’s dating is bc i walked in on them fucking.

 

EinsZweiDrei

- who was on top??????

 

AlfieP

- stop harassing my dearest Mina.

- Fuck it

- I’ll add him

 

AlfieP has added drummieboyy to LITstory 2k17  

 

drummieboyy

- You finally caved?

 

AlfieP

- you haven’t had to deal with their shit it’s tortuous.

 

PotatoPeeler  

- Drummond.

 

drummieboyy

- Mr Peel. 

 

catolic

- hmmmmm?

 

drummieboyy

- He’s my boss - we work at the same regional tory group 

 

iliketrains

- @queen v now is not the time to bring up your political inclinations.

 

Rooks PhD

- Ditto.

 

queen v  

- did i say anything????????

- wait so how old are u @PotatoPeeler

 

PotatoPeeler

- 29

 

emmarino 

- @iliketrains I can’t believe you have a sugar daddy

 

AlfieP

- Great now I have to kinkshame more people why are y’all so kinky.

 

drummieboyy

- babe that wasn’t what you said last night.

 

AlfieP has removed drummieboyy from LITstory 2k17

 

queen v has added drummieboyy to LITstory 2k17  

 

queen v

- SO WHAT IS THE TRUTH 

 

AlfieP

- EDWARD CHARLES DRUMMOND

- DON’T YOU D A R E

 

EinsZweiDrei

- someone get the popcorn

 

drummieboyy

- Don’t pretend you’re some virgin mary I saw what was in that Ann Summers delivery this morning.

- Remember how we got together????

 

Rooks PhD

- I’ll just mute this chat.

 

drummieboyy  

- when we first met

- You LITERALLY asked if I had a lighter and when I got it out of my pocket you LITERALLY said

- “How well equipped you are” 

 

AlfieP

- In my defence, I was drunk.

 

drummieboyy

- In my defence, you did blow me literally an hour after I gave you my lighter, bought me shots and proceeded to grind on me 

 

AlfieP

- ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

- It worked tho right

 

drummieboyy

- it did sweetheart <3

- Are you at home right now? 

 

AlfieP

- Wanna come test out what we got in that Ann Summers package? ;) 

 

drummieboyy

- I can be there in 15 xxx

 

The Governess

- Do I want to know what Ann Summers sells? 

 

queen v  

- for the sake of everyone’s sanity

- nope