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Hold On Until Tomorrow

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It’s dark. It’s cold. It’s nothingness.

 

He feels completely hollow like anything that could have ever made him happy has just been ripped away. But then again he feels nothing; torn between the overwhelming need to cry never stop or to just float away into this void and simply feel nothing. Sure, there’s things going on around him but he doesn’t see, doesn’t hear. Some part of him that can still think just keeps repeating subconsciously that he wishes he didn’t exist. That it must be tiring waking up every morning. Tiring to eat and drink. Tiring to even brush his teeth let alone go to work.

 

If he wasn’t so utterly emotionally and physically drained he might have gotten up to find something that would just end it all. A tie on the ceiling fan. The shower hose hooked just so. A kitchen knife. Hell, if he was really feeling it he could walk right out of the apartment and down to the local pharmacy and just find something.

 

But as it so happens he can’t move. He can’t talk, can’t feel, can’t- just can’t. So he doesn’t.



***



It’s seven at night and Taehyung and Hoseok are just getting back to the apartment with food when Yoongi calls the elder.

 

“Where are you?” It’s not accusatory like ‘where are you I’m starving’ more like ‘You need to get home right now because something is very wrong’.

 

“What happened?” The conversation seems calm yet it’s everything but.

 

Then Taehyung is running the last few steps to the  apartment and bursting through their door making his way to the bedroom once he realises that the kitchen and living room are both empty. Yoongi is still wearing his coat and outdoor shoes. Jimin is on their massive bed curled up impossibly tight at the edge.

 

For a second Tae actually thinks he’s dead. His eyes are unfocused and he’s not responding to his name or anything for that matter. It’s a fucking good thing Tae knows Jimin like nobody else.

 

Ripping off his coat, Tae makes his way over to the bed and carefully pick his boyfriend up making sure to support his head. Jimin is only in an old shirt and boxers yet he is burning up. Tae sits on the edge of the bed and makes sure Jimin’s legs are comfortably wrapped around his waist before he rocks the smaller boy back and forth, cradling his head and scratching his scalp gently in a hope to ground him.

 

Jimin’s hands lay limply by his side, “Gently squeeze his fingers,” Tae utters as quietly as he can not bothering to look at Yoongi or Hoseok.

 

Then Jimin is shivering and still sat like a ragdoll with unblinking eyes.



***



Everything is still far away but one minute he’s floating and the next he feels like he’s going to throw up with the amount of moving that is going on. No, really, he’s going to vomit. It’s like being on a seesaw or maybe a roundabout. Even a slide that’s very steep. He’s scared about getting on the rides but it’s not him controlling his body. He wants to get off. He’s going to be sick. He can feel a heartbeat in his fingers and ears and he just wants to stop moving. Suddenly Jimin feels very emotional as his stomach churns and he feels a stinging in his eyes like he hasn’t blinked in ages or like he’s severely tired. Everything is out of his control and he just wants to get off the ride and leave the playground and just go home where he can stop feeling sick and just feel nothing. Jimin gags and whimpers as bile comes up from his throat. This is disgusting and he just wants to get the icky taste away but he keeps gagging and retching.

 

Then everything is moving differently and he feels dizzy before he’s throwing up for real with a hand pressing on his stomach and another rubbing his back. With heavy arms he blindly reaches to hold onto something with only partial success as something shockingly cold comes into contact with his left hand.

 

The smallest of whimpers escape his lips  and though he still can’t see much he can hear the faintest whisper which he manages to understand as ‘it’s okay baby’. Is it okay though? Is he okay? Jimin could cry but he can’t find the energy so instead he opts for leaning his head on the same cold thing that his hand is loosely holding.



***



Namjoon and Seokjin are the next home after seeing Yoongi’s caller ID (Yoongi never calls; he doesn’t see the point when texting requires less energy) and briefly telling him that they are on their way.

 

Upon their arrival they can hear someone throwing up in the bathroom and noticing Yoongi walking in with a big fluffy blanket.

 

“What’s happened hyung?”

 

Yoongi passes the blanket to a dishevelled looking Hoseok before replying, “I think Jimin’s in subdrop and it’s bad.”

 

“Subdrop?” Jin repeats, eyes screwing up, “But we haven’t done anything in-”

 

The door opens and Jungkook walks in, “I came as fast as I could hyung, the traffic is horrendous,”

 

“Look, Jimin is-”

 

But before Yoongi could get any further in his sentence, Tae is walking out of the bathroom with Jimin wrapped up in a blanket and cradled around Tae’s waist once again. The small boy is so fucking pale and it terrifies Jin straight into ‘eomma’ mode. He’s by Tae’s side in an instant with a gentle hand brushing away Jimin’s sweaty hair from his forehead.

 

“It’s okay baby we’ll make it better. Eomma will make it better.” He whispers and tries to get Jimin to look at him but he’s not even there mentally. Jin takes Jimin’s small frail hand in his own and kisses his knuckles. Just as he pulls away Jimin ever so lightly squeezes Jin’s hand despite not looking at him and it’s then that Jin nearly breaks down because his baby - their baby - is hurting.



***



Eomma’s here. In a weird way he can feel it even if he can’t feel anything else. The gentle rocking motion is no longer making him want to be sick and instead it soothes him. He’s curled up in someone’s arms now and nothing is more comfortable than this. Instead of feeling like he’s floating in a dark void he now feels like he’s floating on a cloud and everything is nice and warm and safe and the utter relief he feels at that is enough to make him relax. There’s a light kiss to his forehead and then a rubber thing on his lip that should feel weird but just doesn’t. When the warm sweet chocolate liquid sits on his tongue he almost wants to cry because he’s safe and his Eomma made him chocolate milk and it’s warm and he loves his eomma so much.

 

Jimin’s eyes finally relax enough to fall shut droopily and he realises just how much they had been hurting. He didn’t even notice when he started suckling on the bottle just that he is and that he’s curled into his eomma. With a sob, Jimin chokes on his drink and with his sensitive headspace that’s enough to set him going. He’s crying so hard now like he was earlier but it’s okay because this time his boyfriends are here for him and he’s not alone in a cold bath with access to razors.

 

“Shhh you’re okay. It’s okay now.”

 

Someone wipes away the chocolate milk dribbling from his chin as well as the tears from his eyes. His bottle has been taken away so that he doesn’t choke on it but he wants it back and he just wants to be cuddled really tight and be a good boy and not a whiny baby. Jimin opens his eyes a little and whines at his bottle which soon gets put back in his mouth. To be honest he doesn’t know why he started crying. Doesn’t know what happened tonight or why he felt like this but then again does there need to be a reason? Even with the dim lamp lights on in the living room it’s too bright so Jimin closes his eyes and hides his face in his eomma’s neck. He’s feeling sleepy now that all the tension in his neck and back has gone and he almost drifts off except his bottle empties before he can and soon he’s sucking on it with nothing being given to him and it makes him sad. With a pout, Jimin pulls the nipple of the bottle from his mouth and curls a small fist into the blanket that’s around him. He can feel the others watching him but he can’t bring himself to look at them let alone talk to them about what actually happened tonight. His mind is still a bit fuzzy anyway, halfway from wanting to walk out of the room and sink into that empty pit of despair again and halfway from wanting to just say something.

 

Seems like the latter part wins.

 

“Minnie cut.” It’s barely a whisper and it takes ages to get out in the open but it’s said now and his boyfriends will clean him up and make sure nothing gets infected. He doesn’t care about that stuff but they say it’s important and the reasonable part of him knows that if he cuts he should at least clean it at a bare minimum.

 

He can’t even look at them.

 

“Can eomma look?”

 

Jimin just swallows his guilt and self loathing and nods into his chest.

 

Careful fingers pull back the edge of his boxers where his bloody thighs are covered and there’s a sharp intake of breath.

 

“You guys really need to keep your razors in a different place.”

 

“Not their fault.” Jimin mumbles and feels awful that the others are getting reprimanded when it’s him that’s done this. Deep down he knows that, despite not having cut in a month, his habits are even worse and the cuts are deeper than usual. They’re sloppy and he doesn’t remember doing it but now that he feels more grounded he can feel the horrible sting.

 

There’s a bunch of horrible thoughts going through his mind and it’s so utterly depressing that he’s just loosing all the will to live - not that he had much to begin with. He can feel himself maturing in the way that he just feels numb and being cradled like this feels awkward. Eventually he doesn’t feel little anymore and he gingerly escapes Jin’s lap, avoiding the others to go to the bathroom. They’re soon following him of course they’re not just going to leave him so he doesn’t even bother to close the bathroom door. Stripping himself of his boxers he can now see the damage that he really did and he doesn’t know where to start but Yoongi and Jungkook are there and they’re cleaning him up.

 

It hurts like a bitch and even that isn’t giving it enough credit. The antiseptic feels like hell but he deserves it. Jimin wouldn’t dare voice his thoughts right now though.

 

Walking back to the bedroom is like a walk of shame. The thoughts get worse and it’s dark almost like the numb void he’s close to breaching once again. Trying to get some sleep is going to suck balls. His eyelids are heavy yet as soon as he is under the covers he couldn’t be more awake. There’s ambulances outside making their noise and the odd honk of a car but other than that the night is quiet.

 

Jimin isn’t left alone at all throughout the night. Not even for a second. He’s got people on both sides of him cuddling him and giving him gentle kisses and distracting him with their love until he falls asleep and it works.

 

The last thing Jimin thinks that night is that once they talk about it and Jimin gets stuff off his chest then things will be better.

 

Tomorrow will be better.