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Fuck you Buckleming

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“Michael,” Sam and Jack stand nervously in front of the summoning cage. Sam has been here once before and the last time, his best friend was possessed by Lucifer. For that very reason, Castiel is to stay further back with Rowena.

Jack steps forward bravely, trying not to look afraid of the most powerful archangel of this universe. He’s still getting used to his newfound near-humanity, but he at least knows that it would take little more than a snap of his fingers for Michael to tear him apart atom from atom.

“We need your help.”

The figure in the cage emerges from the darkness and into the firelight, revealing his form to be that of Adam Milligan’s; his last vessel.

“Oh dear.” The archangel seems to size them both up for a moment, tsk-ing softly at them. “You really do. Not her though,” he waves a hand carelessly in Rowena’s direction before putting it on his hip. “You’ve got your wardrobe together, up top girlfriend.”

He puts the hand not currently on his hip up for a high-five and as he does, Rowena is instantly teleported to his side. So much for being out of his range.

She stands stock still for a moment, bewildered and a little bit afraid before she decides it’s not a good idea to leave the archangel Michael hanging. “Thank… you?” She says to him, giving him a tentative high-five.

He doesn’t even look at her, just smiling at Sam and Jack in a way that makes them very uncomfortable. “Sure sure, honey. Anyways, back to the matter at hand—or should I say fashion disaster at hand… lose the jacket, kid.”

He snaps his fingers, and then does it again… and by the third snap the humans in the room recognise the ‘Z’ Pattern. Sam almost rolls his eyes, but then on the last snap he feels reality bend around him and…

Is that a beanie on his head? What?

He looks over at Jack who is equally perplexed, looking down at his new clothing. Skinny jeans, a grey t-shirt with a stylised eagle printed across the front, and a black studded leather jacket. His hair is styled too and… honestly? It’s a good look on him.

Sam inspects his own clothing as well, taking the beanie off while he frowns at the collared white dress shirt he’s wearing with the cuffs folded up to his elbows, untucked over a pair of pre-faded jeans held up with a really nice belt.

“Like it, boys?” Michael asks them expectantly, ignoring Rowena as he moves forward to lean against the bars and inspect his handiwork. He snaps his fingers again, and the white beanie disappears from Sam’s hand and reappears back on his head.

Sam decides there’s probably no point in trying to take it off again. And… well… it’s not like it isn’t comfortable. “Is this a Rolex ?” He asks with astonishment as he notices the accessory on his wrist.

“Mmmmmmhm!” The archangel sounds incredibly pleased with himself. “What do you think, Queen?”

He finally glances over at Rowena, who looks secretly pleased to be called a queen, in seriousness or not. “I think…” she purrs in amusement at Sam and Jack’s confusion and loss, “that I’ve never seen those boys look better. Not that that is by any means a high bar. You’re not going to give Castiel a makeover too?”

The archangel shakes his head, immeasurably pleased with himself. “I would but… I don’t know. He works that look.” He winks at his little brother. “Some coats wear a man, Castiel. But you wear that coat.”

The seraph does roll his eyes. “That is irrelevant to this situation, Michael. We need your assistance with a matter of greater importance than… fashion.”

Clearly ,” Michael starts, “you and I have different priorities. But go ahead, tell me how Lucifer got out of hand this time and you’ve now come to me to beg for help stopping him.”

Sam and Jack share a look before Jack speaks. “Actually… Lucifer is dead. You— from a different universe— killed him and that Michael is now attempting a hostile takeover of heaven and humanity.”

Michael looks dumbstruck for a moment before a tense smile crosses his face. “Oh, very funny. Yes, ‘Lucifer is dead’ I’ve never heard that one before. Points for originality with the other universe me, though. Real cute. I might even agree to help you now. So really, what’s up? What did he do this time?”

Again, Sam and Jack exchange a look with one another. Castiel too, since there’s not much point in hiding so far back when Michael could reach him there anyways. It’s Sam who tries again to explain the situation to him.

“He is… really, actually dead. I was there. He screamed a lot.” Sam looks slightly uncomfortable under the looks Michael is giving him now. “We need help getting Dean back from the other version of you; Lucifer isn’t a problem anymore. We thought maybe if you possessed him as well you could fight the other Michael out of his body?”

The archangel just shakes his head. “I’ll bet he put you up to this. My baby brother does love his pranks. But fine, I’ll play along. Let’s go find this ‘other michael’ and if you’re telling the truth then I’ll gladly kick his ass.” His tone got really dark all of a sudden, but then the very next second he’s bubbly and grinning again. “And when all this is over, I’m going through all your closets. You all need a serious wardrobe update.”

Sam blinks. That… was easy. “Uh, sure. Are you… okay? You seem different…”

“I’m great, actually!” He grins, and pulls Rowena to his side to give her a kiss on both her cheeks before popping her back outside the cage. “Better than ever! No stress from ruling heaven, no dad to constantly seek approval from, no Lucifer to deal with every second of every day… I may be in a cage but I’m freer than I’ve ever been. Finally free to follow my true passion; fashion. ” He strikes a rather ridiculous pose, but none of them can build up the nerve to laugh at him. “I just want everyone to look their best, all the time. But enough about me. Let’s go, shall we?”

Rowena shares a look with the other three before shrugging and beginning the spell to release him (and Adam). What’ve they got to lose?

 

 


 

 

It wasn’t hard for Michael to find… himself. That sounds far more introspective than what actually happened.

Together they just followed the biggest angelic signature on the planet, which led them to an empty church where they found the Michael that’s possessing Dean sitting in the first pew. Praying .

What’s an archangel got to pray for?

Their Michael marched up to the front of the church fearlessly, not stopping until he stood right in front of his evil twin.

“Oh dear. You really are a worse version of me. How could you? That coat? Dean is clearly an autumn.”