That had consumed my life.
I was 14 years old when I first got my diagnosis.
I remember it so vividly, I always felt lightheaded and passed out once or twice a week. My mom worked as a nurse and knew automatically that something was wrong with me. So she took me to the hospital and I then became known as the cancer kid. Who everyone always felt bad for.
I had friends that would visit me in the hospital every single day with balloons and get well soon cards.
They don’t really come around anymore though, I guess they figured i had just died.
I’m 17 now and still wondering what’s taking so long.
The only real friend I have is my mom, that sounds so depressing but it’s true.
My dad left after we found out I was sick, leaving my mom with the hospital bills. She had to get three jobs just to keep supporting us, but still the bills keep piling up.
She always has a smile on her face. Never once complained about it, but I see the toll it takes on her.
She’s always worried about me. If she’ll lose her only son or if when I fall asleep I might never wake up.
To me that thought didn’t really seem so bad, but I would never want to leave my mom, because I knew cancer in a way had consumed her life too.
And that made me feel not so alone.
Chapter 2: Chapter two - support groups
They should really call it "a group for depressed sick people who always talk about how depressed and sick they are."
My mom always made me go no matter how much I didn't want to. They didn't help, nothing did. I was still sick.
I guess it wasn't all bad there I actually made a friend, her name is Izzy. Her cancer wasn't as bad as mine but she has also been here for 3 years and was always happy and excited to come to group. Which I will never understand.
We always talked about things like boys or clothes and makeup, to her we weren't some sick teenagers. We were just that.
I envied her outlook on life. Cancer never seemed to slow her down. Which I also envied.
It still takes me a while to get out of bed in the morning 'what's the point' I always thought to myself.
Then I would remember my mom and Izzy, and I get up.
The hardest part to me is knowing I will never be a normal teenager.
Normal teenagers go out to the mall with their friends and drink and go to parties.
Normal kids don't spend weeks on in, in the hospital because they left their oxygen mask off for too long. Or worry that if they spend to much time outside they might get catch something that will kill them.
It's been so long I don't even remember what being normal felt like.
Today at group we are talking about our hopes and dreams.
Simon, one of the kids at group had been talking nonstop about wanting to be a singer when he got better.
Simon was always the one talking at group. To me he's really annoying, but Izzy has had a crush on him since forever, which I didn't get.
Izzy is beautiful, even though shes like a sister to me I still appreciated her beauty. She had long black straight hair with long eye lashes and an hourglass figure that most girls would kill for, so her liking Simon just didn't make sense. Simon was nerdy with curly hair and glasses.
But It was clear Simon liked her back too. So I was happy for Izzy she deserved happiness.
I've always wanted a relationship but I knew it would in the end be futile.
Who would want to be with a guy with cancer anyway?
So I gave that up.
Now after a very very long group session, which was really just listening to Simon talk for hours on end. Izzy and I sat outside the church on the bench and waited for our rides.
"So what do you think about Simon" Izzy asked me for about the millionth time.
"Iz you already know what I think, but if you like him you should just ask him out already." I had no idea why she was so nervous in the first place
"Simon obviously likes you."
"You think so?" She asked smiling widely
"Of course he does what's not to like" i replied, it was true Izzy didn't really have any flaws.
"Thanks Maggie you always know what to say"
I really hated that nickname but that never stoped her from calling me that.
I smiled at her then looked up at the sky.
After a while I hear "Alec!" Izzy screams breaking me out of my trance and goes to hug the guy who was making his way over to us.
That must be Izzy's other brother Alec. Who was apparently studying to be a writer in England.
He looked similar to Izzy. Black hair and deep hazel eyes with long eye lashes.
He is gorgeous.
He's wearing all black which I could never imagine doing since I loved fashion too much to wear such a basic color, but it suited him so well.
"Alec I have someone I want you to meet" I hear Izzy say as she makes her way back over to me.
"this is Magnus he's my very best friend."
"Um hi I'm Alec" Alec says as he reaches for my hand.
"Oh I know, Izzy's always talking about you" I say shaking his hand and he blushes just when I thought he couldn't get any cutter.
Alec opens his mouth like he's about to say something else, but then my mom walks up to us.
"Hey Magnus you ready to go hun" she says putting her hand on my back. "Oh hi Isabelle"
"Hi Miss. Bane" Izzy replies with a smile.
"yeah" my eyes regretfully leave Alec's and I grab my bag.
"Bye iz" I go to hug her.
"Bye maggie" Izzy says " I'll call you tonight and tell you how it goes" she whispers in my ear.
I winked back at her.
"bye Alec" I say as well, he smiles at me and I smile back then I walk away with my mom to the car.
Chapter 3: Chapter three - Alec
On the way back to the house I couldn’t keep my mind off Izzy’s friend.
He was beautiful, his raven black hair dangled over is eyes that I just wanted to push away so I could get a better view of his stunning eyes. They were a combination of green and gold that I had never seen before.
He was breathtaking.
I had just got back from England and was desperate to see my family again.
It’s been rough couple of years ever since Izzy had gotten diagnosed.
My dad and I don’t really speak anymore he never supported the fact that I was gay or wanted to be a writer.
He wanted me to stay home, but Izzy was actually the one who convinced me to go. I had gotten a writing internship in England that many kids fresh outta high school don’t get, but then Izzy got sick and I put it off for a while. But after Izzy finally convinced me to go I was off.
I haven’t spoken to my dad in over three years.
My mom, Izzy my brothers and I always FaceTimed, so it was like I never really left.
My dad never once made an appearance.
As we pulled up to the house I got nervous. The first thing I did when I got off the plane was surprise Izzy I haven’t told my mom I was here or my brothers.
As soon as I opened the door I’d realized how much I missed home.
When we walk in I could hear my mother singing in the kitchen.
“Oh Izzy I was just on the way to pick you u-” she stops when she sees me “Alec” she rushes to pull me into a bear hug “oh baby you didn’t tell me you were back you have to tell me everything how was England, did you make any friends, did you meet any boys?” Yep that was my mother alright.
“mom I promise to tell you all that and more but right now I’m so jet lagged and just wanna sleep but first, where’s Jace and max?”
“Oh of course they’ll be so happy you’re here they are in the backyard.” My mom said leaving to hug and kiss Izzy on the head, then heading back into the kitchen.
I was the oldest outta all my sibling I had just turned 19. Izzy was 16, Jace was 17 and our little brother max was 10.
I rush into the backyard to see them, Max immediately jumps into my arms “Alec!” He yelled “Hey man, you didn’t tell us you were coming.” Jace says as he punches me in the arm.
After a while of talking and hanging out with my family I finally decided I to head upstairs to my room. It hasn’t changed a bit. Jace told me how dad wanted to make it into his office space as soon as I left, but mom kept him for doing it. Of course, I scoffed to myself that sounded like my dad.
I soon laid down on my bed and drifted to sleep dreaming of the colors green and gold.
Sometimes I forget how well my mom can read me.
As soon as we get into the car she starts.
“So who was that guy beside Izzy?” “He is very cute don’t you think Magnus?” My mom asked innocently.
“Um yeah he’s her brother, he’s alright I guess” I say, not trying to let my mom know I already had a major crush on some guy I didn’t even know.
It’s stupid I think to myself, I’m sick I can’t be with anyone.
Chapter 4: Chapter four - News
It was Tuesday when we got the news.
My mom and I had gone to the doctor for a check up. It was suppose to be simple routine check up, but then the doctor came in and told us that the chemo wasn’t working anymore.
He says at best I have two years.
My mom broke down crying beside me. I tried to stay strong for her benefit, but it wasn’t working.
I always knew this day would come but, I just thought I would have more time.
I was gonna die before I’d ever really lived.
I would never fall in love or have a family.
Of course I had known all of this, but now it just feels too real.
I was silent the whole way home.
To my surprise my mom was silent too.
I’d guess we had ran out of words.
I had decided not to tell anyone not even Izzy, I didn’t want the pitiful looks. Even though I knew Izzy would understand.
So at support group the next day I stayed silent. Not really to anyone’s surprise but Izzy’s.
“Hey Maggie are you okay?” Izzy asked me about ten minutes in.
“Huh yeah I’m great I’m just thinking” I replied hoping I sounded as convincing as I wished I was.
“Fantastic because I’m throwing a party” Izzy squealed with excitement.
“Really Iz a party?”
“Yeah why not?” “My parents are gone on some business trip and everyone from group is invited, I even invited some people from my old school to come, it’s gonna be so much fun.”
Izzy could see the unconvinced look on my face.
“Oh come on please magnus for me”
“Okay okay fine” she had broken me down.
I figured I should have at least one normal teenager experience so why the hell not?
When group was over my mom had come to pick up. “Hey sweetie how was your day?” She asked once I got in the car.
“Fine, Izzy’s throwing a party on Saturday.”
“A party, that sounds fun”
“Yeah I figured since I’m gonna die soon I should try to live it up now.” I said without thinking, I could see the way my moms smile fell and a wave of sadness took over.
“Shit mom I’m sorry I didn’t mean that.”
“Don’t say things like that Magnus.” She takes a second to clear her throat “that’s just what the doctor says, but I know god has bigger plan for you baby.” She says smiling reaching over to touch my cheek. “Okay?”
My mom had gotten really religious after I got sick and my dad left. I think It was her way of coping with everything. She needed to believe there was a some ‘bigger plan’ otherwise I think she would’ve broken a long time ago.
Truth was I didn’t want to die, but I wasn’t afraid to. Im just worried about the things I’ll miss, like my mom, her beautiful smile and the way she always knows how to make me laugh when I’m sad.
Or Simon and Izzy’s wedding when they finally stop being to scared to talk to each other.
I’ll miss all that stuff but I decided I’m not gonna be sad anymore.
I’m gonna live.