Rick has always been a bit on the weird side. First thing’s first, he was rabiosexual, and he had never known anyone who was either also rabiosexual or rabid themselves, but he had heard rumors. He was quite good looking for a rabiosexual, too. His long, sleek blonde hair always set him apart from the rest, and his capes would too if Peter Gabriel wasn’t always going around wearing his own. He forgave Peter only because he knew Peter’s capes lent to his magical abilities, but he couldn’t help to resent him a little bit for stealing his look. But that was the least of Rick’s problems right now.
As Rick grabbed his cape and shook the excess dirt off of it, he heard a knock on the entrance of the hole in the ground he lived in. Ugh, he thought, that must be Jon. Rick quickly put on the sparkly golden cape and opened the entrance, feeling dirt fall onto his head. Jon immediately jumped into Rick’s dirt cave with a sweet smile on his face.
“Hello,” Jon said in his characteristic high, cheery voice.
“Hey, Jon,” Rick groaned, as he ate dirt from the walls.
“I see you’re having dirt for breakfast again,” Jon said, frowning. “Why don’t you come with me to pick some berries or something, Ricky?”
“Well, if I’m gonna handle berries, I better get some condoms, y’know what I’m saying? No?” Rick laughed to himself. Jon frowned again.
“Rick, sex doesn’t exist on my plane of being and I don’t know why you have such a hard time understanding that. But it’s okay, because you’re my second best friend and I love you and forgive you. Please just come and eat some fruit with me.” Jon was now crying.
“Well, as long as I can get me prostate stimulation later on I’ll agree to it,” Rick said, no longer eating dirt. They began to leave. Once they had, with great effort, climbed up the hole in Rick’s cave to get to the surface, Rick and Jon saw a skinny, strange looking man with an instrument speaking to Alex Lifeson and Geddy Lee.
“Oh, howdy!” the man said as soon as he saw Rick and Jon. Alex and Geddy looked offended, as the man had just cut their conversation short to say hi to some people he didn’t even know.
“Oh, uh, hello,” Jon said, smiling. “How are you today, my beautiful sire?”
“Quite lovely innit,” the skinny man said. “Now, we haven’t met have we? Sorry, very rarely dost I come out from underneaþ mine bridge. Mine name is Steve. Steve Howe.” Rick immediately blushed. He lived under a bridge? Was he the infamous rabid man who asked people to solve riddles in order for people to cross the Worstechestershire bridge itself? He was in the presence of a celebrity.
“Well, my name is Jon, and this here is my beautiful, sexy friend Rick. He’s full of love and ‘light’ he is! Say hi, Ricky!” Rick cleared his throat.
“‘Ello, Steve. Nice to meet ya.”
“Nice to meet yew lads too. Ðis is quite embarrassing to ask, but I would like to know if eiðer of you knew anyone who could cure rabies. Asking for a friend.” Steve laughed awkwardly.
Rick gasped, immediately turned on. Wrow, he thought. He really is rabid.
“I believe the man Phil Collins is who you’re searching for! He is very good at dealing with rabies, just ask the rest of the Genesis household about Peter Gabriel!” Jon giggled, because he has a crush on Peter. Perhaps Jon was a rabiosexual too...?
“Oh, I know Peter Gabriel! He’s ye one who did ðe show last week, wið ye flower!”
“Yes, I remember that,” Rick said. “But he can’t deflower me, can ‘e? Yea? No?”
Steve blushed and Jon frowned.
“Sorry Stevie,” Jon said, “Rick here seems to think sex exists.”
“It’s alright,” Steve said, “I ‘appen to þink ðere’s a chance sex might be real.”
“Ya see, Jon? Other people fuck!” Rick said.
“Well, it’s your personal choice and if you beautiful people, just beautiful, if you want to believe anything on this mortal plane exists, then so be it, but we all must know that the faery land tops all else, where the villagers are never born and never die and we are all in touch with our circadian rhythms and full of love and ‘light,’” Jon said.
“Well, ya can’t fuck and there’s no sexy rabid men so I may as well not care,” Rick said. He suddenly realized he may have had accidentally revealed that he is rabiosexual and attracted to Steve Howe.
“Too bad I don’t have rabies,” Steve said. Rick was heartbroken. Suddenly, a tall man walked up to them.
“Chris, my beautiful husband and the love of my life,” Jon said, “welcome! Have you met our friend Steve?”
“Yea,” Chris said, wrapping an arm around Jon and kissing the top of his head. “He’s rabid, isn’t he? Because of Peter Gabriel’s pet raccoon, and all that. And he lives under a bridge?”
“What are you lot on about?” Steve said. “I’m not rabid! It’s true I live under a bridge, but the rest isn’t, that’s horrible, that disease is fatal!” Rick remained silent. Steve was rabiophobic after all.
“Oh, sorry mate,” Chris said.
”What he means to say,” Jon said, “is that you are a beautiful, lovely man and he unconditionally supports your decision on whether or not you want to have a threesome with us.”
“I thought sex didn’t exist in the faery realm,” Rick said, angry and confused.
”I’m not in the faery realm righr now,” Jon said. Rick was horrified.
“I’m the only chad allowed in this forest, you fools,” Rick said. Suddenly, a bunch of smoke appeared in the air above them.
“No, I am,” a high voice said. They all peered upwards and there she was. Kate Bush herself.
“What the bloody fuck?” Rick said.
“I’ve been fucking this whole time,” she said.
“What, you?” Rick said. “But you’re weird!”
“Says the man with the rabies kink,” Kate replied. She then vanished. Rick was shocked. Had Kate Bush just appeared solely for the purpose of telling everyone he had a rabies kink?
“Alright, enough is enough,” Steve said. “I just want a nice conversation with a normal person for once in my life.” Suddenly, Peter Gabriel himself jumps out from the tree above them.
“Phil says that all the time, you two should meet!” Peter said.
“Oh, so there’s a normal person in here somewhere,” Steve said.
“He’s boring, he and the rest of the Genesis clan all want to move to the city and take showers, I don’t understand it!”
“It sounds quite nice,” Steve said. “Maybe I’ll just go join Genesis and we can all move to the city together. You know what, I’m leaving you lot to find them right now, I would love to take a shower at some point.”
Rick sighed. Today was the worst day of his life. Steve Howe joined Genesis, Jon Anderson fucks, what’s next? Peter Gabriel is straight.
“By the way,” Peter began, “I am a heterosexual.” Rick began to cry.
“Today can’t get worse,” Rick said.
”I was just kidding, Rick, I’m totally gay! And, I’ll admit, a little rabiosexual.” Rick’s face lit up.
”You mean you have a rabies kink too?”
”Yes, of course, we can find a rabid partner together. It’s valid!” Peter smiled.
Today was the best day of Rick’s life.