“Hellooo. As you all should already know, I’m Tony Stark, AKA Iron Man.”
“I’m Steve Rogers, Captain America.”
“And we’re here to do this.. Autocomplete Interview.”
AUTOCOMPLETE SUGGESTS THE MOST COMMON SEARCHES ON THE INTERNET
The two superheroes are seated, silence hanging in the air until Iron Man opens his mouth.
Tony Stark: Huh. You know I haven’t used google in years, I have my own system called JARVIS which uses-well, very complicated technology that no one but me really understands.
Captain Rogers: I actually use Google quite a bit, especially when I had difficulty settling into the modern age. [fidgeting] it’s very useful.
SO WE ASKED TWO OF OUR FAVOURITE AVENGERS THE INTERNET’S BURNING QUESTIONS
Steve: Alright, you first [holds up the first board that reads “Is Iron Man” in the pseudo google search bar]
Is Iron Man suit made of Vibranium?
Tony: [raises his eyebrows]Wow, that’s actually a pretty valid question, I was expecting something dumb.
Steve: [smiles somewhat smugly] Yea, that is a pretty good question, so what’s the answer?
Tony: Well, the suit is actually made up of a complex layer or different metals. The model that I wear now- the majority of it is made of Titanium-Gold Alloy. [shrugging nonchalantly] So short answer is no, it is not made of Vibranium.
Steve: [grinning] But my shield is.
Tony: [rolling his eyes] For the last time, Vibranium isn’t efficient because it’ll be too heavy-
Steve: Next. [rips off label]
Is Iron Man dead?
Steve: [chuckles] That’s what people are searching?
Tony: Wow really? [Scoff] Just read the day’s paper, I’m always on it for something. Next!
Is Iron Man a superhero?
Tony: Huh, I feel like that question could be political. I guess some people will say it depends what you’d call a hero.
Steve: [raises eyebrow at Tony]
Tony: [looking at camera] But yes, yes I am.
Is Iron Man Elon Musk?
Tony: [throws board onto the ground] Tell me you guys just put this on here to f- [beep] with me.
Tony: Is Captain a hundred years old?[mock gasp] Why, yes he is! [holding up unpeeled board]
Tony: He actually is though, we had a party.
Is Captain America a virgin?
Tony: [bursts out laughing]
Steve: [awkward smile] Really? [looks away from camera to someone on the side] this is the most searched question ever?
Unknown staff: [distant] Yes.
Tony: [trying to contain laughter and failing]
Steve: Really? [flustered] Why do people even want to know that?
Tony: [trying to suppress uncontrollable giggling]
Tony: [falls out of chair]
Steve: Uh, the answer is no. [holds up left hand showing the gold band around his ringer finger] I’m married.
Is Captain America Immortal?
Tony: [biting on his lip trying to stop laughter]
Steve: God, Tony, stop!
Tony: [Choking on escaping laughs]
Is Captain America dead?
Tony: Really people? Well I guess a lot of people do want us dead.
Steve: [chuckling] Maybe evil villains google this before they attack us just to be sure, imagine that.
Tony: [imitating villainous laugh] before I take over the world, let me check if the Avengers are dead, [mocks typing] oh they’re not? Never mind then.
Steve: Wow, have you been helping Peter with his drama assignments again?
Tony: [nodding while rolling his eyes] Urghh, high schoolers, amiright?
Steve: [holds up ‘Did Iron Man’ board]
Tony: Oh sh-[beep] Past tense. God, there’s really not a lot I haven’t done. Before I start, I would just like to take the time to tell my kind, loving wife Pepper that I love her
Steve: Huh. That's very sweet of you Tony-
Tony: -and I do not take any responsibility for any PR disasters that may occur as a result of this interview.
Did Iron Man kill Captain America?
Tony: Seriously? What is wrong with you people?
Steve: [laughs] Well, he could try.
Tony: Oh, you think I can’t?
Steve: [stares at Tony]
Tony: [stares back]
Staff: [distant] Ok..maybe move on to the next one?]
Steve: In all seriousness, we do get this question a lot, and we don’t know, because we haven’t really gone against each other. I don’t think I want to find out because-
Tony: Because he would totally lose.
Steve: Friendship, right?
Did Iron Man retire?
Tony: Does that mean business or superhero work?
Tony: I did retire from the business side of Stark Industries, which is currently being run by my wonderful wife Ms. Potts, I do still make a lot of excellent inventions, because I'm a genius. But if you mean Iron Man, I don’t think superhero is something you can retire from.
Steve: [nods seriously]
Tony: I mean, as my young protégé once said- “When you can do the things that I can, but you don't, and then the bad things happen, they happen because of you.”
Steve: Wow, Peter said that? [looking impressed] Well I absolutely agree.
Tony: Oh and when we say Peter we mean Spiderman by the way, who is like a younger version of me, only less brilliant.
Did Iron Man beat the hulk?
Tony: So people think that when we’re not saving the world, we’re either beating each other up or trying to kill each other?
Steve: [sighing heavily] The answer is no, that’s just ridiculous.
Tony: [whispering to camera] But oh yeah, I totally could.
Tony: Is that all? [sighs in relief] not as bad as I thought, at least there aren't any drug related questions-
Steve: [incredulous] Tony!
Tony: Yes, drugs are bad kids, no drugs.
“Where Captain America”
Where Captain America Shield?
Tony: I think they mean where is Captain America’s shield. No need for correct grammar in searches, we’re not all 100 years old.
Steve: Oh, [smiles directly at camera] nearby. Always nearby.
Where Captain America from?
Tony: Oh! Let me guess, United States of….America?
Steve: Yes, but more specifically Brooklyn, New York.
Where Captain America lives?
Steve: I live in Brooklyn with my husband, [smiles shyly] we own a very beautiful Brownstone.
Tony: Where they have a state of the art security system, courtesy of Stark Industries.
Steve: Yes, and Wakanda.
Tony: [groans] Yes, aaaand Wakanda, but primarily Stark Industries.
Where Captain America meet Bucky Barnes?
Steve: [visibly excited] That’s a long story actually, but it was-
Tony: My party, they met at my party.
Steve: [gives Tony a look] Yes, it was at Tony’s party.
Tony: Ha! Evidence that Iron Man is totally better, because Cap managed to finally lose his virginity all thanks to me!
Steve: Uh… no. But yes, we did meet at Tony’s party, so when it comes to the ‘who’s better’ argument I’ll let Tony have it. Met the love of my life, all thanks to his party being too boring. [smirks]
Tony: [looking shocked] Wait… what do you mean ‘no’? Are you saying you weren’t a virgin before you got married? GASP! And they call you Captain AMERICA?
Steve: [getting handed a new board] Alright… “Is...Tony Stark”
Tony: Ohhh, we’re getting real aren’t we?
Is Tony Stark adopted?
Tony: What!? Uh, Not that I know of. But really? That's the first thing people want to know about me? [frowns]
Is Tony Stark human?
Tony: Yes, and a particularly brilliant one at that.
Is Tony Stark Married?
Tony: Yes! Happily married for five years, very much still in love, amazing wife, luckiest man on Earth.
Steve: Usually I would agree because Pepper’s and amazing dame, but pretty sure I’m the luckiest man on Earth. [beams]
Tony: [rolls eyes with a disgusted grunt]
Is Tony Stark a doctor?
Tony: Actually, yes! Considering that I have multiple PhDs, but not the type that works in a hospital.
Steve: He does own a medical lab in the tower though, we need to get fixed up pretty often.
Tony: Yep, but some else does the work there, not me. But I did invent the tech there, so [making a‘meh’ hand gesture] eh.
Tony: Okay, quick fire round! “Is Steve Rogers…..a virgin? Ohhhh that’s a no, sorry to disappoint you America! ”
Steve: [unimpressed look]
Staff: [distant] That was actually one of the top ones, but we took it out because it was repetitive.
Steve: Really? [embarrassed groan}
Tony: Well now you know world, now you know. [Raising eyebrows while poking his tongue into his cheek inappropriately]
Steve: God Tony, no!
Is Steve Rogers Captain America?
Tony: Unless we’re going with the propaganda theory where the real hundred-year-old virgin Steve Rogers is actually dead, and this is just some gay, blonde replacement who’s secretly part of Trump’s campaign to win over the liberals.
Is Steve Rogers Bi?
Steve: Yes. What I had with Peggy was very real. But now I’m also happily married to a man. Some people seem to not be able to grasp this idea, but I feel like I don’t really need to justify myself, so the answer is yes.
Is Steve Rogers Irish?
Steve: Yes, my parents were Irish Immigrants.
Is Steve Rogers married?
Steve: Yes! [grinning] I believe I have mentioned it.
Tony: Multiple times.
Steve: Me and my husband have been married for nearly a year now, [running his finger over his wedding band] and I love him more and more every day.
Tony: Ah, young love [mocks clutching his heart]
Steve: “Who Tony Stark?”
Who is richer Tony Stark or Batman?
Tony: Ughhhhh. [throws head back and groans in disgust] Ughhhh. C'mon Cap, back me up here.
[Camera zooms in on Steve]
Steve: C'mon internet, do you even gotta ask?
Who is Tony Stark’s mother?
Tony: Maria Stark, and that’s Maria, not Martha [stares intensely into the camera]
Who is Tony Stark’s dad?
Tony: Howard Stark. Unless I’m adopted [squints furiously] thanks for putting that in my head, internet.
Steve: Tony's father is a great friend of mine actually, Howard contributed the project which created my serum, and he also created my shield.
Tony: Which is still super weird by the way.
Who is Tony Stark’s wife?
Tony: Ms. Virginia Pepper Potts, who is currently the CEO of Stark industries, the most beautiful and amazing woman in the world.
Steve: Aw, [turns to camera] that’s sweet, right?
Tony: [smiles genuinely]
Tony: “Who is Steve Rogers?” That’s the million dollar question right there already.
Steve: [pauses to think] Well I think Steve Rogers is a lot of things- soldier; captain; Avenger; loving husband; human furnace; dish-washer; dog lover-
Tony: -technologically inept elderly.
Steve: -but who Steve Rogers is not and refuse to be, is to be manipulated by others and made into an icon of something I do not represent, [a stern look in his eyes] for an example, racism and homophobia.
Tony: Wow, that got too real and too deep way too quickly. [mock hissing] This is the internet Steve, you might hurt people's feelings.
Who killed Steve Rogers?
Tony: Not Iron Man.
Tony: Yet. [smiles slowly]
Steve: But actually, it just hit me- technically I did ‘die’ once.
Tony: Oh yea [shrugs] I guess that’s valid then.
Steve: I was presumed dead when I crashed a plane into the Arctic while trying to stop the weapons of mass destruction on said plane from detonating, so I guess I killed myself?
Who Steve Rogers wife?
Steve: Yes, husband, [delighted twinkle in his eyes] My husband is Bucky, James Buchanan Barnes, as most of you may know.
Tony: Yes, teenage pop star turned prodigy actor slash director, although none of his recent roles can ever beat his inspirational breakthrough role of “Teenage spy James ‘Jim’ Brilliant” in the Disney Channel series “Secret life of a Teenage Super Spy”
Steve: Yes….Thank you Tony, that was very thorough.
Tony: I’m a big fan [winks]
Who does Steve Rogers look like?
Steve: I assume I look like my ma and pa?
Tony: He does get mistaken for Thor sometimes though, now that Thor has short hair and Cap has a beard. They look nothing alike, it's the whole blonde hair blue eyes thing.
Steve: Speaking of which- a lot of people have also said that I look like an actor who plays a super hero and also has blonde hair and blue eyes. The first time me and Bucky met, he actually mistook me for him. [eyes narrowing] They were co-stars apparently.
Tony: Ah, that would be Johnny, he played the Human Torch. [inspects Steve] Oh yea, [nodding with approval] I totally see it.
Steve: [aloof] Well if anything, he looks like me.
Who plays Steve Rogers?
Steve: Huh? I know there’s been a few Captain America movies over the years, I’ve never watched any of them though, so I’m not sure. Sorry.
Staff: No, I think they mean like.. [distant sounds of murmuring]
Steve: Oh? [brightens] You mean like in the documentary?
Steve: So back when we first met, Bucky directed a documentary film about the backstory of Captain America, which won a few awards [gives side eye to Tony who's eyeballs are halfway rolling up]- and obviously there were some scenes that had to be filmed since there wasn’t any archived footage. But it was still played by me, with the help of a few body doubles and cgi for the scenes of me before the serum.
Tony: [sly smile] So was this before or after you guys started f-
Steve: [shoots him a stern look]
Tony: Dating. Started dating.
Steve: Before. We met at Tony’s party once, then he approached me with the idea of the documentary a few months after. I’m glad he did though [grinning sheepishly] because I couldn’t get him off my mind.
Tony: [mimes gagging]
Tony: Alright, so that’s it! Everything that the internet’s ever wanted to know about us, uncovered.
Steve: Thanks for having us guys, hope you all stay safe out there. [two finger salute]
Tony: Yes, remember to save yourselves for marriage kids-
[Steve kicks Tony out of his chair with a bright smile]