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Cause I give you all

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It isn’t often that they get the night off when touring. Thinking about how tired and lacking months of proper sleep Trixie is, she strongly considers staying in the five star hotel they’re in and sleeping the best sleep she knows she’s had in months, but at the end of the day she knows she gets a good amount of free time on the tour bus, even if sparse and uncomfortable, and she hasn’t had fun in a long time. So she showers away her laziness, gets dressed in nice clothes and her own make-up, and goes in search of a bar.

It’s apparently the only bar in town and it’s really crowded with the most redneck crowd Trixie’s ever seen. There are large bearded men and strong women and as soon as she enters she can spot at least five people arm wrestling on tables filled with empty gigantic glasses. The smell of beer is strong and so is the smell of bacon and she turns her nose.

She finds an empty stool by the end of the counter in the middle of two couples heavily making out and she sits down with her eyes fixed on the bottles in front of her, tries to tune out the sexual noises coming from each of her sides. She truly found the most heterosexual bar in the state.

Maybe she should have chosen her sleep.

She orders herself a beer - when in Rome, right? - and sips at it slowly, lets her eyes unfocus as they stare at the bottles and her mind wonder.

She’s so tired. She hasn’t picked up her guitar in three months. She washes her hair once a week only and it’s starting to show. Her favorite clothes are now all worn out. Her make-up kit is getting way too close to being empty.

But she loves it. Touring with a country legend as a backup singer is something Trixie never thought would be so satisfying, but it is. She’s friends with her which is something she couldn’t even dream of when she was a kid, and she gets to experience the ups and down of the famous life up close. She’s doing what she loves, earning good money with it, and she’s at the best point of her life so far.

She just lets herself wonder, sometimes, when it will end. Not in a bad way but not in a good way either. Is this how it’s going to be, forever? Always on busses, from city to city, hotel to hotel, in the shadows of someone else’s spotlight? Will she ever stop somewhere long enough to find someone to build a life with? Does she even want to settle down?

She doesn’t, particularly, not in the white picket fence with 2.5 kids kind of way. But she does in the having a loving wife who cares for her and wants to share a life together kind of way. Trixie’s in love with the idea of being in love, and she knows she’ll always be.

She finishes her beer and asks for another one. There’s no point in going back to the hotel, even if she’s not mingling in any way. She might as well drink as much as she hasn’t been able to while touring, and sleep in until noon or later since they have a show in that same town the next evening so they have no plans for a few hours.

And then she takes one more look around, tries to figure out if there’s anyway at all she could fit in with anyone, and she spots a blonde woman at the other end of the long counter, sipping on a beer alone, her posture similar to Trixie’s. She might be projecting or reading what she wants to read, but everyone else is very ingrained in the place’s vibe and the two of them are the only ones completely isolated.

Trixie’s not saying the woman's a lesbian. But Trixie isn’t saying she isn’t. There’s just that face when you know you’re the only gay person in the middle of a clearly non-accepting space and, well, that’s what Trixie’s seeing.

It’s worth trying, right?

She asks for an extra beer and moves over to where the woman is, spots an empty stool by her left side and slides swiftly into it. The woman doesn't notice, so Trixie decides she has nothing to lose and slides the new bottle of beer in front of her. She blinks three times before coming back to her senses and looking over at Trixie.

She grins widely and Trixie melts a bit. Her teeth are displayed in the most symmetrical smile she’s ever seen and they are extremely shiny and white except for the small red mark on her front one where her lipstick probably brushed and she didn’t notice. It makes her look a bit dorky and it’s a look that definitely suits her.

"Hi," the woman says, grabs the beer without breaking eye contact or letting her smile drop. "Is this for me?" She motions the bottle, sips at it before even getting an answer. Trixie's half convinced her old bottle still has beer inside.

Trixie shrugs, drinks her beer as well before answering. "I was a bit lonely over there and I saw you a bit lonely over here, thought we could drink together?"

The woman smiles wider, her tooth still a bit red, and nods a little before adjusting in her seat so she's half facing Trixie. Trixie can't tell her intentions, isn't fully sure if she's just glad that she has a girl talking to her instead of a creepy guy, but whatever. At the very least she'll share a few beers with a pretty woman before heading back to her hotel.

"I'm Katya," she offers as she extends her hand, her short nails painted the same red shade as her lips. "Thanks for the beer."

"Trixie," she replies as she shakes her hand, small and pointy. "And you're welcome."

They cling their bottles together, cheers , they say, and take a sip together, eyes interlocked.

Maybe she'd been right in going out tonight.

*

There’s a table in the corner where a couple seemed intent on doing as much as they could without having to remove their clothes and Katya convinced Trixie to bet on when they’d leave and how far they’d go before doing so.Trixie is looking at them very attentively - probably creepy - waiting for her phone to beep indicating Katya’s time is up and she’s won. She has five minutes left and then she wins. They haven’t agreed on what the winner gets yet, but she just doesn’t like losing.

“One of them is gonna end up finishing right there in the next two minutes and then they’ll leave,” Katya says over her shoulder, pulling her attention back. Her tooth is still not clean and Trixie kind of doesn’t want to tell her at all. It’s nice to see a flaw in her, honestly.

“First of all, ew ! We want that table so I truly hope they don’t.”

“When will you ever have the chance again to say that you’ve lived through an experience like this? Live life, Trixie!”

Trixie snorts, looks back at the couple and her timer - she’s two minutes away from winning.

“I am living life to the fullest , thank you very much.”

Katya’s eyes sparkle a bit. She seems interested in Trixie, in what she has to say and even what she doesn’t have to say. It’s odd to receive all that attention, but it’s thrilling too.

“Tell me about it. What are you living like?”

“I’m a singer. I mean, a backup singer at the moment. But I do sing and play guitar sometimes, on bars and stuff. Or I used to, before touring.”

Katya nods, her eyes wide as she gives Trixie her undivided attention. “That sounds fascinat- I won!”

She exclaims as she points to the couple getting up and sure enough Trixie’s timer is thirty fucking seconds away from beeping.

“Fuck me,” she whispers in frustration and Katya doesn’t miss a beat.

“Actually I get to choose what you have to do since I won the bet but I’m okay with that.”

Trixie laughs loudly, Katya’s smile is shiny and the little mark still there.

“Maybe if you learn to clean your teeth after you apply lipstick.”

Katya’s hand move to her mouth to brush against it. “Shit.”

*

She's not sure how they ended up in a park at 2AM, both of them having had one too many bottles of beer before leaving the bar, but here they are. Trixie's at the talkative phase of her drunkenness and she's sure she's shared way more than she should with a complete stranger, but this is something tomorrow her will worry about. Today her is blissfully out of her mind, giggly and in good company.

"Ok so how does one reach the ripe age of twenty-seven speaking five languages?" Trixie asks as they stumble through the empty and quiet park, their healed steps and loud voices echoing through the trees.

"I don't speak five languages, spanish and italian are like child level knowledge at most," Katya replies with raised eyebrows, as if that makes any difference, as if Trixie isn't immensely impressed by that anyway.

"I get that, my english is at a child's level as well," Trixie retorts, thinks she's being funny but honestly she's far too drunk to be sure.

Katya laughs though, loud and clear in the night sky, enough to send the birds flying from the tree tops near them.

"Hey, it's not your fault you're from Wisconsin!" she finally says, and now Trixie's the one screaming, her hand hitting Katya's arm playfully.

"You bitch ," she says jokingly, and Katya gets it because her eyes are sparkling and they stumble closer to each other, one practically leaning on the other as their breaths mingle.

There's a beat of silence in which Katya licks her lips, and then she murmurs, "By the way, I'm like, really really gay."

Somewhere in the back of Trixie's mind she knows the setting is intimate - they're practically embracing, faces close, eyes interlocked - but the way Katya says it just makes a loud bubbly laughter leave her lips as she takes one step back to ground herself.

"Girl, me too !"

*

It's 4AM and they're at a 24 hour diner, most of the alcohol evaporated from their system although Trixie's skin is still buzzing. They're seated facing each other in a corner booth, there are quite a number of customers for the time, but everyone is talking quietly and it's really peaceful. They each have a mug of steaming coffee in their hands and even though they'd looked at each other's eyes all night, Trixie's just now realizing Katya's eyes are green.

"Your eyes are really pretty," she says then, doesn't really realize she's doing so. She's forgotten bits and pieces of everything she's told Katya all night, but that's more related to how dumb some of these things were and how many than to them being drunk. She likes it though, feels comfortable with her. With the pretty, beautiful lesbian with whom she spent the entire night and has yet to kiss.

Katya smiles at the compliment, and Trixie realizes she hasn’t complimented her smile all night. It's really pretty. She 's really pretty. Trixie is still amazed that they're hanging out.

"Thank you. All of you is really pretty," she says back, and Trixie bites down on her lower lip. She's not one for one night stands usually, but she is on a long tour where there aren't really any other options and is it even a regular one night stand after they've spent the whole night together? Technically yes, she knows, and technically she's not even certain Katya wants to sleep with her, but at the end of the day she knows that all she wants is to finish this day in a bed with Katya. It can be her hotel room, it can be Katya's hotel room - she's travelling too, she learned, she's a photographer following some models for a project, and what astounds Trixie the most is that she's not one of the models herself - it can be anywhere really. She's really drawn to Katya, more so than she usually is to any strangers - are they still strangers by now? - and she knows she deserves it.

She squirms in her seat, thinks of the proper way to put this question out there, but then Katya cuts her off with a question in a completely different direction.

"So, where you heading next?"

"Somewhere close, I think. I never remember the schedule."

Katya raises her eyebrows. "Really? And how does that work?"

Trixie shrugs. "I just get there and go to the stage and sing I guess? I recognize several of the cities and sometimes I'll explore for a couple of hours if we can but mostly I just sleep, it's a really tiring routine."

Katya seems baffled and Trixie feels like she's done something wrong for some reason.

"Seeing new places is my favorite part of touring. I'll gladly give up sleep if I can see something I've never seen before."

"I mean, after the fourth town with the same hay stacks and trees it gets old, you know," Trixie jokes into her cup of coffee, trying to find her ground again. She'd been so comfortable seconds ago.

Katya laughs, but her heart isn't fully in it. God, had Trixie somehow ruined this? She's not even sure how.

"Yeah. I mean, I'm a photographer. I usually find beauty everywhere I go."

"Oh," Trixie says, doesn't know what else she could say.

"Sorry, it wasn't meant to sound pretentious like that. And I'm not judging you or anything. I'm just… I don't know, it's nice finding these little differences, isn't it? We've been so similar all night."

They have . Their similar sense of humor is something that made them hit it off instantly. But also realizing that they travel so much, live the same home is nowhere lifestyle had been a major point. It never occured to Trixie they might perceive it so differently.

"Yeah, of course," she responds, although she isn't sure it is. Meeting Katya had felt like fate, but now she isn't so sure.

But then Katya's hand slide across the table and holds tightly onto hers.

"My hotel is really close. Do you want to crash with me?"

Trixie knows what she means, and most of her worries disappear as she looks into her eyes. She nods and they get up together, Katya's hand clasps onto hers and the only time she lets go is when they're inside the room and she needs it to unzip Trixie's dress.

*

Trixie goes back to her hotel room late in the afternoon with Katya's number in her phone, a bite mark on her left hip, and the song I Put A Spell On You by Annie Lennox from Katya's alarm stuck in her head.