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Things from the past

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Mary remembers when she brought Sam home from the hospital. She remembers how happy Dean was, to finally meet his little brother, how proud he was when he held him for the first time.

She remembers Dean kissing Sam goodnight, she remembers Dean telling him stories, her baby looking at his big brother and giving him the most beautiful smile, like he could already understand Dean.

She remembers waking up during the night, only to find Dean laying in Sam’s crib.

She remembers how Dean looked at Sam, like the sun never shined before Sam was there. Like the colors, the air, the love, everything around him was non-existent before Sam.

And Sam, little baby Sammy, would look at Dean with the exact same look. As if he already could tell that his brother would do everything for him.

Now, 35 years later, they still look at each other the same, but while she should be happy to see how her boys still love each other, how close they still are, she can’t get rid of the weird feeling in her belly.

“Hey mom, do you know where Dean is?” Sam asks as he enters the kitchen, getting himself a glass of water.

She still tenses when he calls her mom. Her brain having trouble coping with the fact that her baby is now a 35 years old man, taller than her, bigger than her.  When just yesterday, he could fit in her arms.

“No, I haven’t. Did he sleep here last night?”

“Yeah, he did”

She doesn’t ask how he knows that. When Dean came home last night, Sam had long ago gone to bed, and she knows that he was completely asleep. Sam didn’t come out of his room, but Dean went to Sam’s room instead of his, as soon as he thought she was asleep. She doesn’t ask, because she already knows.

“Maybe he needed some fresh air?”

Sam frowns, and for a brief moment, Mary can see pain written all over his face.

That’s not what she wanted, she doesn’t want to hurt her baby, she just wants him to talk to her.

“Did he… Did he tell you that?”

“No, I just assumed. I mean, you guys are always together, it must get to your head sometimes”

“Yeah, it does” Sam laughs, but there’s no humor behind it, and Mary feels even worse than before.

 

 

They spend the day in the library together, working on a case they found a few days ago, and she can see how Sam gets more and more tense, looking at his phone every few minutes, waiting for Dean to call.

All they had was a little note on one of the books, telling them that Dean would be gone for the day, and probably night, and while it was more than enough for her, Sam still had to call him.

She wonders how long her boys would survive without calling or seeing each other. Probably not a long time.

She remembers how she felt, when John left them. Sometimes, he would be gone for hours, days, without giving anything but one or two calls. She remembers how lonely she was, how scared, how angry. Did he cheat on her?

She doesn’t know, and she doesn’t want to. He was a loving husband. Everybody has secrets.

But Sam and Dean don’t, and she was willing to accept John's behavior, but she won’t accept that one of her sons makes the other suffer.

“You know, Sam, maybe you could go out tonight? Find yourself a… someone?”

Sam looks surprised, then looks at her for a few minutes, as if he was trying to read her mind. Was it one of his powers? Reading minds? She doesn’t feel comfortable asking questions about their lives, not yet.

“I’m good” He says, a smile on his face “But feel free to go, if you want, that’s not a problem”

“No, I just… Dean has a night off, so you should have one too”

“Dean is working” He frowns again, and she can see how he looks at her, like she’s a stranger, a bother. And she is, after all.

“So you think he’s gonna spend the night alone?”

“Yeah, I do think he’ll spend the night alone, because he’s a professional”

“Sam, I-“

“You don’t know him” He snaps, his face flushing with anger “You don’t, but I do. He won’t spend the night with anyone, and he’ll be home as soon as he can”

“Because he already has someone, doesn’t he?”

Sam clenches his jaw, and she doesn’t know if it’s from anger or from stupor. Dean would have know immediately, his ability to read Sam’s body language still gives chill to Mary. She can’t even tell when he’s happy or angry.

“He has us” He says, but it sounds like a question, like he’s asking Mary if she believes his lie.

“He has you” She answers “You know, I… I don’t know a lot of things, about your brother and you, but I do know what love looks like. What a couple looks like. I wasn’t around for so long, Sam. Don’t think I’ll give up on you so easily” She waits a moment, but when she sees that Sam doesn’t answer, she puts her hand tentatively on his. “But brothers or not, no one should make you feel like you’re not wanted, or like you’re not enough”

“He doesn’t” Sam mumbles “He… He doesn’t make me feel that way. I just… I just don’t like when he’s away. I know that dad used to do that, running away for days, but Dean doesn’t do that. Hell, I did that to him, a few times. But never…. He never did it”

She’s not completely convinced but she smiles anyway. How long have they’ve been together? Months? Years? Was it before Stanford? After? John doesn’t mention it in his journal, but why would he? Did he know? She has so much questions, that will stay without answers, for most of it.

How can you take a life time back?

She should feel disgust by her sons, should tell Sam to stop it, to stop this relationship right away. But Sam was Dean’s sun since the day he was born, and Dean was Sam’s world since he first saw him. Theirs is a love that can’t be undone, and they've suffered enough. She doesn’t think they would listen to her, anyway.

He tells her that Dean and he are married a few hours later. He’s showing her how to use Netflix when a show about weddings pops up. They end up sitting together in front of the tv, watching as the soon-to-be bride struggles to find a dress.

“I didn’t want a dress, when I got married to your dad. The white princess thing? Not my style”

“Dean wanted us to have matching suits. I didn’t want to, I mean, our FBI ones are already matching so what was the point? But I’m glad he did, because it made it even more special”

“You got married?”

“Yeah” Sam laughs, rubbing his neck awkwardly. John used to do the same thing, and that makes Mary smile. “It’s… I think we got married back in the church when I… When I was trying to finish the trials. But after that, we had a big fight and we didn’t talk for a long time, so we did it again, later. It’s more symbolic than anything else, but it’s still something”

“Yeah, it is”

They share a smile before focusing on the show again, laughing and critiquing the show and how stupid it is.

Maybe she doesn’t know Sam as her son, but she does know him as her friend.

“Mom?” He says, his voice not louder than a whisper “I… I’ve got another thing to tell you”

“What is it?” She doesn’t want to sound worried, even if she is. They’re finally bonding, and she doesn’t want to destroy any it.

“I-I don’t have a problem with Dean leaving for the day. It’s just that… I'm more worried more than usual, cause if something happens to Dean, then I… My baby will grow up without his dad”

She freezes for a moment, looking instinctively at Sam’s belly.  She can’t see anything, but maybe, maybe if she looks hard enough, she’ll be able to see her grandchild, growing inside of Sam.

“Did I overshare?” He says, his voice cracking a little “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have. It’s just- We haven't told anyone yet, and I thought you should know, but-“

“Thank you” She whispers, “Thank you for trusting me, Sam”

He smiles back at her before pulling her into his arms, hugging her as close as he can.

Maybe she doesn’t know a lot about her sons past, but she knows about their future, and one thing is sure, she’ll be a part of it.

Chapter Text

Dean was only five when their house burned down.

He remembers watching the house burned, counting down the minutes before seeing his parents walking out of the house, and at this moment, all he could think about was the teddy bear he left in his bed. Mom and dad would be fine, because parents don’t die, they can’t die. Sammy started eating real food a while ago now, but mom is still breast feeding him. How will Sammy live if mom isn’t here to feed him?

When his dad walked out of the house, he was alone and screaming for his wife. Dean remembers hugging Sam closer to him, afraid that the fire could reach them, could reach him, and take away the only thing he had left.

The firemen kept telling Dean how brave he was, that he saved his brother’s life by running out of the house, but also by keeping him warned and away from the fire thanks to the blanket he kept on him.

Dean was only five when their house burned down, and when he thinks back, he remembers the screaming, the tears, the fire, the heat, and the piece of fabric that saved Sammy’s life.

Now he’s almost 40 and when Sam asked him to sit on the bed before giving him a positive pregnancy test, the first thing Dean thought about was Sammy’s blanket.

He spent nights with his eyes wide opens, wondering what would happened if the bunker was on fire, if the demon was back and they needed to leave.

There’s plenty of blanket in the bunker, but none of them ever saved his brother’s life, and none of them would be able to save his baby life.

How can he be ready to have a baby, if he can’t protect it? What will he do? What if he isn’t ready to be a dad? Sam – Sam has it in him, but Dean? Dean isn’t sure he can do it. There’s too much danger out of there, too much demons, monsters, ghosts, ready to take everything away from him.

He needs to protect Sam, and he needs to protect their baby.

So, he took off during the night, driving as fast as possible, his goal clears in his mind.

Sammy kept the blanket for four whole years, using it as his security blanket before he got tired of it. Dean is still convinced that it was because of the stupid kids that were laughing at him, but it doesn’t matter now, because 32 years ago now, he buried the stupid blanket behind the motel they were staying at.

He remembers digging for a long time, but he was only 8 years old, and things seemed bigger than what they truly were. Maybe the motel isn’t even here anymore, maybe they made rennovations, and the blanket is now buried under concrete block. Maybe he won’t be able to save them, this time.

 

“Hey baby, I just wanted to let you know that I’m at the motel. I’m getting some info for the case, I should be back in the morning, alright?”

He can hear Sam sighing on the other end of the phone, but he knows his brother will understand.

“Yeah, sure. Just… Be careful”

“That’s my second name”

He can almost see Sam rolling his eyes, and it gets a smile out of his face. Sam is gonna be the best dad ever, he can already see them, Sam playing with their baby, smiling and laughing. Loving.

He’ll find this stupid blanket, no matters what it takes.

He starts digging, shoving the shovel in the ground as fast and hard as he can.

This is for Sammy, who couldn’t have a normal and safe childhood.

This is for Mom, who couldn’t see her children growing up.

This is for Dad, who never slept more than a few hours, always afraid that something will take away all he had left.

This is for him, to prove himself that he can do it, that he can protect his family.

It’s four in the morning when he finally gets the blanket out of the ground, sweats and dirt mixing on his skin, but he doesn’t care, because the blanket is still here, in the little box he puts it in.

Now, he’s ready to be a dad.