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In Search of the Nobody that I Am

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Who are you?
You ask yourself that
As you gaze into a pool
Of clear water
That reflects your face.
Just who are you?

Zero.
That’s your name
And it’s always been that.
Your hair is blue,
Your eyes are red,
And you’ve a tattoo too,
A little red one
Right under your left eye.
You don’t know why
And you don’t know when
Or where you got it
But it’s there.
Like your sword, the Key
That closes doors
And opens worlds,
It’s there.
You don’t know why
Or when or where.
Not with the tattoo,
Not with the sword,
Or even your name.
You figure though
As you watch your face
That it’s fine.
It’s just a memory
From far, far back
From so long ago
That it’s fading fast
Like a puff of dream
From the night before.
So you don’t mind it
Because you’re you,
Zero.

So you continue about
Questing and searching,
As you close door after door
With your lover, a mage,
Who calls herself Fiethsing,
A sage of some king named Grimm.
You travel with her daughter too
Who you guess is yours as well,
Just the same as hers.
Together as a family you go
From world to world
And you slay them
The little black shadows
That rise from the nothing
Left from those without Hearts.
This is what you’ve done
For days and weeks and months now.
You travel where they rise
As they threaten to swallow up worlds,
And each time you beat them back
Before you lock the gates
And move on to the next world
With your family in tow,
Faithful as always,
As you continue about.

At night though
On a dusty plain
You can’t get the shadows out,
They prance about your mind
Singing a familiar song.
The tune, it taunts you
And draws your mind
To a sort of kinship,
And a deep yearning and knowing.
You don’t know of what
But it’s there, just the same,
Clawing, clawing at your mind
As you roll over with a huff
And you tell Fieth it’s alright.
You’ll get to sleep sometime,
But maybe not at night.

Alhama’at
Is a name dark like the night
And a man just that dark too.
So dark that his eyes glow
The same deep gold
Of the Heartless, lonely and lost
And more vast than you can know.
You don’t know why or understand
How he keeps opening the gates
Or why would he would.
So he can take the Hearts of people
As well as worlds
Is the answer, you’re sure of it
But how could he and why would he?
You don’t know why either
Why he looks at you
And seems almost to burn
With a hate you can’t comprehend
For all that you are.
You figure that perhaps it’s the Key
And how you hassle him
Closing gate after gate
Before he can wrench away the Hearts
From the worlds you fight him on,
Always demanding to know more
And never getting answers.
You’re so sure of this and yet
You can’t help but think
That there’s more to it,
More that comes from memories
Lurking deep in your mind
As you look at that face
With a name you’ve only just learned
But with eyes you do know.
You can’t help but think that
The hate in those eyes is new
And unfamiliar just like the name,
Alhama’at.

Fieth.
You think about her too
As you move on from dusty plains
To deep wide seas.
How long’ve you known her?
It feels almost like,
Just as if,
You’ve always known her.
That she’s always been there,
Right with you
Just like now.
You know that’s not true
Because it can’t be,
But you search and search
For things before her,
And times before her
And it only goes back so far.
A day maybe
Or ten,
You don’t know how many
But it’s not many, oh no.
No, hardly any,
Because she’s always been here
With you.
Smiling and teasing,
Hugging and kissing,
Thrusting you against walls
And floors too,
Because she’s always been here.
And you’ve always known her,
Fieth.

That’s impossible though,
It has to be.
It makes no sense,
It can’t make any
But you feel it
Deep down
To the core of you,
Your very being,
That that’s as far back
As your being goes.
That this woman
Who taught you so much,
How to love,
How to parent,
How to hope,
Is as far as you go
And those things she taught?
You know them only from her.
You knew nothing before her,
But that’s impossible, right?

Then you hear it,
A name you don’t know
And which you do know,
Reiya.
Three sounds fall
From the lips of a man
In a world of forts with moats
And straw mats and paper walls
That vampires haunt:
Re-i-ya.
You know the sounds,
And you don’t know them
And your daughter’s confused
And your lover too
And you most of all.
You brush it off
With a shrug and a steely glare
Because there’s work to be done.
There’s shadows to slay,
And doors to close,
And Hearts to save,
But you heard it.

Reiya.
Who is that?
Just who or what
And why can you see her
In your mind’s eye
Fuzzy and indistinct
Like a half remembered dream?
She’s a woman like you
With blue hair
And red eyes
And a tattoo too,
A little red one
Right under her left eye.
Over and over,
Night after night,
The name nags at you,
And refuses to leave you.
It’s there, just there,
Ever and on,
That name, that woman
Who’s so familiar and yet not at all.
You need to know why,
You need to know why you know.
You need her,
Reiya.

There’s a lot you need to know
And which he’ll never share
As you go from world to world
Demanding answers from a madman
Whose done so much harm
And yet not as much as you see
Right now in a world of cities.
Towers tumble to the ground,
Fires spark the world over,
And death fills the streets.
You see him here too
Right in the middle of it all
And somehow you know
That it can’t have been him
And he says so himself,
Calling you fools as always.
Fools who are blown back
By a power greater than the warlock’s
That comes from the hands of a boy
Whose very visage shocks you
More than you’ve ever been before.
He’s just a boy,
Young like your daughter,
But the grin on his face
Is full of mocking malice
As he holds up the Heart
Of the world you’re on
And taunts Alhama’at
Calling him father
And mucking up the whole story
With more questions than you can count.
More come as he crushes the Heart,
Not even stealing it
To use for whatever dark designs
That he might have.
Lives beyond counting end
And all you can do is rush and run
The three of you
To your ship and off the world
Wondering over and over
Just how could that have happened.
You wonder and wonder
As the world blinks from reality
Never to come back
Even from a restoration.
You wrack your mind as you watch
Numb and full of nothing
And you understand nothing,
No matter how hard you try
And you know then
That there’s so much you need to know.


Sometimes it feels like,
You can’t really feel.
Which sounds weird.
It sounds odd and awful
And horribly untrue.
Sometimes though,
Just a bit,
It feels like you don’t feel,
Not really.
Like on this day
When there’s nothing there
In your Heart
As you shout out in fear
For your child
As that damned warlock
Alhama’at, source of Darkness
And researcher of Void,
Tries to steal her
And her Heart.
You scream and you cry
And you fight and you struggle
On and on
Until you save her,
Until she’s in your arms
And you both in Fieth’s,
But there is nothing,
Nothing at all in your Heart.
You shouted, you fought
But did you feel it?
Did your Heart ache
Or were you just
Acting?
Sometimes it feels like it.

Something you’re sure of
Beyond a shadow of a doubt
Is that the boy doesn’t feel.
Your feelings and their lack aside
You know with certainty
That he can’t have a Heart,
That behind those red eyes
And that cocky grin
There is no Heart in him.
This you know because you’ve seen
Again and again
How he sweeps life away
Without a second thought.
All of you’ve seen it
And all of you stare him down
In a world falling to pieces
Under the weight of its own Heart
And the loss of it all.
You hold out your sword
In a challenge
And you make your demands
Of why and how he could do this,
When not even Alhama’at can,
When not even a warlock is so cold
And needlessly destructive.
‘Oh you’d love to know that
Wouldn’t you?’ he answers back
Voice forsaken by Light and Dark,
‘Even though you know why.’
He’s cryptic, always so cryptic
And you’re at your wits ends
Thinking to set him down
And chastise the brat.
It’s a familiar desire now
Thanks to Kaguya, you guess,
And you guess it comes up here
Because he’s just so young.
To your surprise though
He does provide an answer
In coordinates if not words
As he tosses a book to you
And says ‘If you dally too long
You’ll go just like this false world!’
The words spur you all on
And the numbers awaken a thrill
Of familiarity at something
As you make an escape
From yet another tragic failure.
The next world won’t fall,
You tell yourself that firmly
As you enter in the coordinates.
You’ll get the answers you need
Right from those numbers there.
That’s something you’re sure of.

The worst is yet to come
As you tear through
Book after book
Looking at his archives
And his libraries
And his labs
Looking for answers,
And looking for whys.
Why has the warlock gone
And stolen Hearts
And why would he
And how could he
And why do you know him?
You read and read
Even as Fieth
Lays a hand on your shoulder
And asks you to rest,
And to calm yourself.
Sleep a bit, or eat a bit
“Because books can’t run.
Just ignore that castle
Where books could run
And armoires too.”
That’s what she tells you,
But you can’t,
And you shout
Shoving her off
Physically, mentally,
Because need her to leave,
Because you keep seeing it.
You see it.
Mentions of more than Hearts
And those without Hearts.
You see that one word
Over and over:
Nobody.
So you have to,
You have to keep reading
And reading and reading
Because the worst is yet to come.

Then you find her
Deep in his lab,
The woman in your mind,
And who’s back in at the edges
Of memory itself,
Buried almost as deep
As she is here.
You all three find her
Reiya,
Her name on the pod.
She has blue hair
And red eyes,
So you figure
Since they’re shut tight
As she sleeps on.
But she has blue hair
And a tattoo too,
A little red one,
Right under her left eye.
Right under your left eye.
And you’ve found her.

Kaguya
Always so astute,
And full of that intuition
That only children have
And Fieth too, you guess,
She says it.
She says it,
Loud and clear
For all to hear,
“Look! It’s you, Zero!”
Your eyes widen at that
And your sword falls to the floor
With a clatter
And there’s nothing there.
There’s nothing in your Heart.
It doesn’t ache, doesn’t pain.
There’s no lifting of weight
When Fieth calls your name
And holds you close.
There’s no concern either
As Kaguya frets and wonders
Just what she did wrong,
And how she hurt you.
She’s worried and she’s crying
And it’s setting in at last,
A deep knowing
Shared by you both.
The end is coming.
To what though,
She can’t guess
And you can’t either
As you cling to Fieth.
You can’t feel either
As you say her name,
Kaguya.

There’s even more notes
Which go on and on
About Hearts and Nobodies
And how to restore both,
How to save them,
The people without Hearts.
The one can’t exist,
Not while the other does.
There’s one and only one,
There has to be,
There must be.
It can’t be helped,
And suddenly right then
You know why he hates you,
Why he tries to end you
With such ferocity.
It’s not for locking gates alone,
But for what you’ve taken.
The three of you all read on ever more
As there’s still so much more to read
And you find it
A family,
Three people together.
There was a mother and a father,
And a little son
Who used to be a brother
Until he lost his Heart,
And a Nobody was made and raised
Into a Somebody,
Or so they hoped.
There were three people together,
Until there was one
And only one.
Only a man obsessed
With what he had lost
At the hands of his ‘son’
And before his ‘son’.
A man who was once calmed
And kept from revenge
By a family alone
Who now seeks to save a family
And still there’s even more notes.

Lapis,
The final piece,
The last secret,
Which makes it click
Snapping together neatly
Like a puzzle.
He’s there too
In the lab, in the pod,
Just like Reiya.
He’s there too
Resting ever and on,
Just like Reiya.
He’s there too
In the back of your mind.
Just. Like. Reiya.
A boy, a son,
A brother
Running about
And wanting to be more
Who struck his mother down
And who feels nothing
As he crushes life.
He’s here,
Lapis.

You can’t go, not just yet,
All three of you say so.
You can’t bear it, can’t do it
Even though it needs to be done
And stares you in the face,
Assaulting from all sides.
From notes and pods
And memories too,
But you can’t bear it, not yet.
So you hide up there
In the rooms without books,
Safe from secrets
Too horrid to have learned
And you’re all together.
All together as you’ve always known,
A family.
Two mothers
And a daughter,
Just like always.
She’s in your lap
Little Kaguya
Curled up and sleeping,
Tired and worn out,
Driven to slumber by tears.
She’s there too, Fieth,
With an arm around you
And her head against you.
They’re both here with you
As they’ve always been
And you try to feel
Just this once,
Just one time,
Before you leave it all behind,
And you can’t.
You can’t feel it
In your Heart
Even as you kiss Fieth,
You can’t feel it
In your Heart
Even as you tell her,
You can’t feel it
In your Heart
Even as she says the same,
Because there was never love,
Just an act at it
Learned from her
And the half memories of a Somebody
Who you tried to be.
But even knowing so
You can’t go, not just yet.

Just one more night
Is all you need
And all she needs,
So you sneak away,
The both of you.
You leave Kaguya to rest
Guarded by your companions;
A cat, an owl, and a rabbit,
Each a fierce fighter
As you sneak away,
The both of you,
Not too far, just enough
For privacy, for intimacy,
For just one more moment.
Together, barely clothed,
Together, wanting more,
Together, cherishing it
Because it can’t last forever.
It’s only a moment,
Gone before you know it,
And you’re still not sure
But you think
That maybe, just maybe,
Just this once
That there’s something more,
Something more than an act,
Just for one night.

The Key opens gates
To worlds upon worlds
Beyond counting and reckoning.
The Key opens Hearts
Of people and people
Beyond understanding and knowing.
The Key is a sword,
First and foremost,
A weapon with which you fight
The Darkness.
The Key is a sword,
First and foremost,
A weapon with which you slay
The Darkness.
You take up your sword
And turn it inwards
And plunge it deep, deep within,
Deep, deep until it’s through you.
You take up your sword
As they watch and wait,
As the cry and mourn
And you can’t understand why
Because there was never anyone there,
Never a Somebody.
You were just a Nobody
Who wielded a Key,
A Key that opens gates.

She wakes up
From a long dream
That she can’t quite grasp
Even though it’s vivid,
And almost real.
It seems like a life
That she’s lived apart from her own,
And the dream fades away
As all do
Leaving only the lab
And the pod,
Which she forces open.
She falls out,
Not expecting so little a fight
And falls to the floor
With a cry.
There’s a gasp
And she looks up
Into faces she’s seen
Only in dreams
And she hears a voice
From someone she’s heard
Only in dreams.
This someone calls out her name,
Reiya.
She calls out your name,
Reiya.
And you’ve woken up.