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In This Group-chat It's Yeet or Be Yeeted

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North added Markus, Simon, Josh and 2 others

 

4:23 p.m.

North: bonjour my petite titty croissants

Simon: owo whats this

Markus: cursed

Markus: sorry I have to leave now, I have uhhhhh

Markus: things to do

Markus: actually im NOT sorry

Josh: yeah I'm with robo Jesus,

Josh: gotta go op

Markus: robo WHAT??

North: fjdnsnsbsbajajan

Connor: hello!

Kara: also hello :)

Josh: okay but is no one gonna address 'titty croissants’???

North: I'm gaey

North: also hungry brb

Markus: 'brb’?!!? U ADDED US TO THE GROUP U CANT LEAVE

Markus: Kara please,,,, control ur girlfriend

Kara: she is uncontrollable sorry owo

Simon: uwu

Josh: this is hell

Connor: if it was hell why would Jesus be here?

Simon: did u just call your boyfriend Jesus

Connor: that's what Josh called him

Markus: that's fair

Markus: but if we're giving each other pet names, Simon is an angel

Simon: 0///0

 

4:49 p.m.

North: I am back

North: oh also

North changed Markus’s name to robo jesus

North changed Simon's name to an angel

robo jesus: hello darkness my old friend

Kara: is there a reason you added us all into a group chat, bby?

Josh: BBY!

robo jesus: BBY!

an angel: BBY!

Kara: also can I add Luther?

North: doe he even have a phone?

Josh: doe

robo jesus: doe

an angel: a deer

an angel: a female deer

an angel: ray, a drop of golden sun

 

Connor went offline

 

robo jesus: simon u killed our sweet boyfriend with your terrible singing

an angel: djsjsjsjhsksjbd

an angel: ????????

an angel: excyse me?? its in text form????

Josh: go off Simon, I support u

robo jesus: wow so much for a pacifist

Josh: u insulted an angel u deserve what's coming to you soz

 

5:01 p.m.

North: me and Kara both realized that Luther doesn't have a phone

Kara: image sent [wack.png]

an angel: wack

robo jesus: wack

Josh: you 2 are like the seagulls from nemo

North: to answer your question, Kara, I honestly just added us all here because why not

 

5:08 p.m.

Josh: huh..

Kara: that's valid

Kara: oh snap I gtg

North: ???

North: concern??

Kara: it's fine Alice just want to show me smth

Kara: though it's getting pretty late, so yeah, I gtg

North: goodnight my sweet

North: tell Luther to get a phone

 

Kara went offline

 

Josh: speaking of offline

Josh: where did Connor go????

 

5:11 p.m.

Josh: heLLO???

North: who are u addressing

Josh: no t u

North: wow okay, someone ban Josh from his phone, he's being mean to me

Josh: u liTERALLY WANTED TO KILL PEOPLE BEFORE??

 

5:15 p.m.

an angel: jdsjhssn

Josh: ur not dead, hallelujah!

robo jesus: were u asking for one of us?

Josh: u have a mental link with all Android’s Markus

Josh: also Simon and u are dating him so??

an angel: I think he just… left?

Josh: without saying goodbye??

robo jesus: no he left because of Simon's singing we addressed this

an angel: bOY-

an angel: I am LITERALLY MADE to sing good???

robo jesus: we all have flaws

an angel: yeah and urs are about to be missing kneecaps

robo jesus: brb I'm gonna try and mentally yell Connor back here

 

robo jesus went offline

 

North: huh

North: anyways, I'm gone, good luck finding puppy eyes

North changed Connor's name to puppy eyes

an angel: bye!!

Josh: cya bih

North: cya thot

 

North went offline

 

5:19 p.m.

an angel: when will my husbands return from the war

Josh: god I /hope/ there's not another war

an angel: xjsjsbaa omg I didn't think about that

robo jesus: a case came in he's fine

an angel: at this hour???

Josh: Simon

an angel: ?

Josh: do u think crime sleeps?

an angel: well I mean

robo jesus: hdjsnNBDSHSJS SIMON DO U THINK CRIME SLWWPS OMG

an angel: crIMINALS DO BUT GO OFF I GUESS

 

5:24 p.m.

Josh: dnjajnaan I think I ruptured a lung

robo jesus: WE DONT HAVE LUNGS XBSNNNSNANA

an angel: yeah let's bully Josh over his not-lungs

Josh: u can't bully me if IM NOT HERE HAHAHAH

an angel: don't u darw

Josh went offline

an angel: bdnsnsnsn

robo jesus: the audacity

 

5:48 p.m.

an angel went offline

 

6:25 p.m.

robo jesus went offline

 

---

 

7:67 p.m.

[Markus >> Simon]

Markus: do u actually think crime sleeps

Simon: hdhsjjnss

Simon: go tO SLEEP

Markus: unlike crime

Simon: bLOCKED



Chapter Text

8:04 a.m.

robo jesus is online

an angel is online

North is online

Josh is online

 

North: Bonjour

robo jesus: dont say it

North: my petite titty croissants

Josh: omg

an angel: sdffdfsdfdf

an angel: wow the GUTS

robo jesus: image sent [i_was_threatened.png]

 

Kara is online

 

Kara: good morning everyone

robo jesus: kara tell me your secret

Kara: hm?

robo jesus: how do u, a lovely, beautiful, caring woman deal with North

Kara: Maybe we just have different taste

Kara: but North is all of those things you just said, to me, Markus :)

North: fdsiufdidfsihdsfh

North: woW I DONT DESERVE U

Josh: okay lets be honest

Josh: no one deserves Kara

an angel: tru tru

robo jesus: shit u right

Kara: uwu !!!

robo jesus: i love Kara so much that im not even angry about that

an angel: me too? owo

robo jesus: simon go offline i wanna talk to u

an angel: thAT SOUNDS VAGUELY THREATENING???

Josh: jfc Markus is gonna kill Simon

robo jesus: DONT USE MY NAME IN VAIN

robo jesus: alSO NO IM NOT

robo jesus: i juST WANNA TALK HONESTLY

North: kara, my sweet, close your eyes u dont need to see this bloodshed

Kara: North, i’ve killed people before

North: fdsdfshdhfudufhdsfkdsfjk

Josh: aAAAA FDSJDFDF

an angel: good christ

 

8:14 a.m.

robo jesus: oh btw did u guys hear about what happened on Connor’s case?

an angel: oh yeaH!!

Kara: wait how did you?

Kara: isn’t

Kara: isn’t that private?

North: yeah isn’t that illegal??

Josh: north since when do u care about the law

North: smh u right spill the beans yo

Josh: wait

Kara: I have a question

Josh: yeah me too fdsfddfssdf

North: dammit, i want to hear about crime, not laws

robo jesus: ?

an angel: ??

Kara: h ow did u get connor to tell you what happened??

Josh: i wAS LITERALLY GONNA ASK THAT K ARA

Josh: yeah but she has a point because isn’t talking about a case with non-detectives like, again, illegal?

Josh: so how did u get him to tell u??

 

8:23 a.m.

an angel: 0////0

an angel: uhm

North: no

Josh: omg u didn't

robo jesus: image sent [OK_hand_sign_emoji_and_backhand_index_pointing_left_emoji.png]

North: lmao

an angel: mARKUS-

Josh: dsfiygdfsBDJHFDSHJSDF

Kara: oh

Kara: huh

 

Josh went offline

 

North: u killed him guys

North: aLSO KARA WHAT DO U MEAN “huh” dsfydfsfddfs

Kara: i mean as long as it was safe?

 

puppy eyes is online

 

North: thEY BRIBED HIM WITH S EX BUT GO OFF LMFAO

puppy eyes: Have I entered at an inappropriate time?

North: i dunno connor u tell me

puppy eyes: That would by physically impossible, as i cannot read text’s before i log on

puppy eyes: Personally, i believe that this fact is a big flaw in the development of this social media’s group chat addition

puppy eyes: But, it’s nothing i can change so I’ll simply have to ‘go with it’

Kara: have fun last night, Connor?

North: sdfffsdfSAHSAHKSA KARA-

puppy eyes: i don’t think i understand what you’re implying, Kara?

Kara: I hope u stayed safe

 

8:30 a.m.

puppy eyes: Ah, you must be referring to the case last night! :)

puppy eyes: While i cannot legally go in-depth to discuss it with you, everything went well, i was only minorly injured :D

robo jesus: you were shot

puppy eyes: minorly

North: yeah, I’m sure you can’t go “in-depth”, Connor ;)

an angel: dsfdfsfdsfdsf “minorly” you literally came home with a bullet in your arm

 

Josh is online

 

an angel: also, north,,, no,,,,

puppy eyes: but nothing life-threatening, correct?

puppy eyes: In the use of your winking face emoji implies and innuendo and the words lead me to assume your implications were of the sexual matter, though i can assure you, nothing sexual happened while i was on the case

North: yeah, maybe not on the case, but maybe when you /got off/

an angel: noRTH NO-

Josh: i thought i was safe, but i was wrong

 

Josh went offline

 

8:37 a.m.

Kara: sdffdssfdKJFSDAJKDFSDFSKJ

Kara: i think i hear Alice calling for me uhhhhhh

 

Kara went offline

 

puppy eyes: I cannot see your innuendos furthering the conversation, so i offer a compromise:

North: yes?

puppy eyes: It’s clear you wish to know more about the case, so if i tell you about it, will you promise to change my name back to Connor and cease your innuendos?

North: I’m not the one going in-depth, Connor, but i agree

an angel: dfdfdfsdfs

robo jesus: i regret ever having said anything

North: Image sent [shaking_hands_meme.png]

puppy eyes: hm

North: oh u want your name changed first, ok ok

 

North changed puppy eye’s name to Connor “in-depth” RK800

 

robo jesus: bold of u to assume he's the one who goes in-depth

an angel: MARKUS DON'T TELL NORTH ANYMORE THAN SHE NEEDS TO KNOW P LEASE DHDHSHS

 

8:44 p.m.

Connor “in-depth” RK800: I suppose this will have to do, though i still don’t understand the innuendo…

Connor “in-depth” RK800: I got the call last night of a 10-99 just before Hank and my shift ended, he, of course wanted to go home and simply leave it to Gavin and his knew partner RK900 who were still on the clock, but I insisted that we go as Gavin and RK900 aren’t on the best of terms currently.

North: 10-99??

robo jesus: 10-99 Shots Fired Request Backup

North: ah

Connor “in-depth” RK800: On our way there over the radio it was confirmed as an in progress 0907 and that there was a house keeping android of unknown sex trying to jump from a building

robo jesus: 0907 Suicide

North: hh

Connor “in-depth” RK800: Once we got there the Android was confirmed female and I was told the Android was claiming the father of the house tried to kill her, I managed to make my way up to the roof where the Android was and, while sustaining a minor bullet wound to the left arm, I talked the Android down from the ledge. We confirmed her story from  a memory scan and arrested the man for attempted murder.

Connor “in-depth” RK800: Will the innuendos now cease?

North: yeah, sorry

 

North changed Connor “in-depth” RK800’s name to Connor

 

North is now offline

 

9:03 a.m.

an angel: u didn't say that much last night Connor

Connor: it didn't seem relevant

Connor: plus I hardly had time to speak

robo jesus: well I'm glad no one got seriously hurt

an angel: yeah

an angel: I hope North is okay though

 

an angel is now offline

 

9:10 a.m.

robo jesus: you mentioned someone named Gavin?

Connor: Yes, he's a fellow officer from the precinct

robo jesus: isn't he that asshole who tries to beat you up sometimes?

Connor: Correct

Connor: Though since the revolution and gaining a stubborn Android partner his violent personality seems to have been placated

robo jesus: you're telling me

robo jesus: that an Android made the Android hater….calmer?

Connor: I believe they're having intercourse

robo jesus: jdjsjaNJdHFHDJ CONNOR-

 

Josh is now online

 

9:15 a.m.

Connor: ?

robo jesus: hello Josh u missed Connor’s entire case from last night

Josh: thank rA9

Connor: Markus should we resume our conversation now or perhaps another time?

robo jesus: I don't mind

Josh: what are you guys talking about?

Connor: a fellow police officer and my doppelganger

Josh: your

robo jesus: yOUR WHAT????

Connor: that's the correct term yes? He looks exactly like me

Connor: image sent [3vrGUSLQH3XeCt6M6_RK900]

Josh: shit you're right

robo jesus: waiT

robo jesus: YOU'RE TELLING ME

robo jesus: THAT U THINK GAVIN AND HIM

robo jesus: ARE A THING?

Josh: /Pardon???/

Connor: Gavin seems calmer around RK900, accepts coffee from him, gets to work on time and seems to be better at his job

robo jesus: u said they ‘aren’t on the best of terms currently’?

Connor: They publicly argue and get into physically fights at the precinct

Josh: yeah that sounds like bad terms to me

Connor: I think RK900 is good for Gavin :)

Connor: I

 

9:20 a.m.

Connor: I'm sorry I have to leave, something from work just came up. Goodbye :)

 

Connor is offline

 

robo jesus: image sent [wack.png]

Josh: wack

 

robo jesus is offline

Josh is offline

Chapter Text

robo jesus is online

an angel is online

Connor is online

Josh is online

 

7:05 a.m.

robo jesus: Connor… my sweet

Connor: Yes, Markus?

robo jesus: why did you broadcast Hank screaming at 5 o’clock in the morning?? :^)))))

Josh: jdjdjsjshkwk whAT ???????

an angel: yeaH I heaRD THAT TOO??

Connor: Lieutenant Anderson merely found a roach that Sumo had killed and placed near his bed

Connor: He woke up and stepped on it

an angel: rip Hank's foot

robo jesus: and you broadcasted that why?

Connor: It must've been an accident, I apologize to you both 

Connor: Sometimes when I'm overwhelmed with emotions my processor doesn’t always work correctly

 

7:11 a.m.

an angel: connor were u

an angel: were u scared Connor?

Connor: Fear is a natural part of deviancy

robo jesus: Simon do u know what this means

Josh: Connor's afraid of buugs?

an angel: no Markus I don't? :^0

robo jesus: Connor is the “scared of bugs” part of the relationship and u and me are “have to kill the bugs” part of the relationship

 

Kara is online

 

7:15 a.m.

Josh: hello Kara!

an angel: u know I've never been in a 10 ft. radius of a roach Markus

Kara: morning! :D

Connor: good morning, Kara :)

an angel: morning

robo jesus: good ‘morrow

Kara: aaa thank you all :’3

Connor: and to confirm my fear of bugs I say: I could easily kill bugs if I wished too

an angel: u just wish to be scared of them instead?

Josh: hdhsjsjsjaj

robo jesus: Simon takes no hostages jfc

Connor: a hostage situation is nothing to joke about Markus

 

--

 

7:26 a.m.

[Simon >> Markus]

Simon: u think Connor likes my singing? :0

Markus: probably? He likes most thing tbh

Simon: unlike u apparently

Markus: Babe, I was just joking, I do actually like your singing

Simon: ik I've just been kinda self-conscious about it now

Markus: Oh gosh I'm really sorry Simon

Markus: I shouldn't have made fun of you 

Markus: I'm in the wrong here

Simon: no… it's fine

Markus: I'll make it up to you somehow? Chocolates? I'll get a street named after you? A star?

Simon: 0/////0 Markus!! ; w;

 

7:28 a.m

robo jesus: Connor I have a question for you

Connor: proceed

robo jesus: how do you feel about Simon's singing?

an angel: :^))))

Josh: Connor for your own well being

Josh: don't answer that

Connor: I like it :)

robo jesus: SEE SIMON I TOLD U

Kara: dawh, that's cute

an angel: :’) thank u con bon

 

Kara changed Connor's name to con bon

 

7:34 a.m.

robo jesus: wait since when can u change names???

Kara: oh, north gave me permission last night lol

robo jesus: why doesn't like,,, Josh get permission,, bc he's always on

Josh: wow are u saying I have no life??

con bon: I like this name :)

an angel: bdjzsdbsbsbn cONNOR UR KILLING ME

con bon: I'll be at your home in 2

an angel: ??????

robo jesus: But Josh,,,

robo jesus: u /dont/ gave a life

Kara: oh gosh fhdxhshsh

an angel: Connor??¿?

robo jesus: wait is Connor coming over?

robo jesus: I thought he was at work? Or Hank's house??? Bc that's where he lives??

Josh: wow I can't believe Connor is coming to your home to personally kill u

 

Kara added Luther

 

robo jesus: Hello Luther!

Luther: :) Good morning

Josh: chaotic good is putting your smiley face before you speak

Kara: he finally got a phone!!

Josh: wait

Kara: hm?

Josh: where's North??

Kara: I dunno

Josh: ur literally dating her?? U too Luther???

Kara: she

 

7:41 a.m.

Kara: I think she just wants some time for herself? The internet is tiring, ya know?

Kara: she's been hanging out with me and Luther lately

Kara: playing with Alice a lot more too

Kara: I dunno it's like

Kara: it's like a switch got flipped and she wants to be more caring suddenly?

Kara: she's always be caring but it's just,, more now??

 

7:46 a.m.

Josh: huh

 

--

 

7:52 a.m.

Josh: where's Connor and the boys?

Josh: they didn't,, log off?

Kara: I don't think so

Luther: Oh Connor is here as well?

Kara: yeah and so is Markus and Simon :)

 

7:57 a.m.

robo jesus: bonjour

robo jesus: u called?

Josh: where’d u go man

Josh: whERE ARE THE TWINKS?!?

robo jesus: jxsjsjaanan

robo jesus: CONNOR BROKE INTO OUR H OME

robo jesus: becAUSE HE THOUGHT siMON WAS /DYING/

Luther: was he?

robo jesus: no

con bon: It's not considered breaking in if I have probable cause

an angel: im just sad we never got to do mouth-to-mouth :(

 

8:00 a.m.

an angel: also he has a key Markus

robo jesus: JdjdhshsBDHSHSH

 

Kara changed an angel’s name to probable cause

 

Josh: ur worse than North, Kara

robo jesus: no-ones worse than North

Luther: :) they're both lovely

Kara: <3

Luther: <3

con bon: also, Simon said he was dying I was just doing my job as a detective and investigating the claim

probable cause: >:0

con bon: I have to turn off my phone now while at work, it's a new policy

Kara: oh?

robo jesus: that's homophobic, I won't stand for this

con bon: all employees have to, not just me and Gavin :)

robo jesus: xhhshhHXHSSSH

Josh: aaAAAA KGKFKDJJ

probable cause: did u just

probable cause: did u

con bon: :^)

con bon: goodbye!

 

con bon is offline

 

robo jesus: sent image [you_sly_dog.png]

probable cause: our boyfriend,,, is a Savage™

 

Kara changed con bon’s name to Savage™

 

Josh: you're too powerful

Josh: someone stop her

Luther: no one will be able to get past me to harm Kara or any of my girls

Josh: was I the only one who just realized that Luther could kill us all if he wanted

probable cause: oh

robo jesus: anyone could if they were dedicated enough

Kara: Lutherrrr <3

Luther: sent image [thats_my_WIFE.gif]

Chapter Text

8:30 a.m.

[Gavin >> RK900]

Gavin: did you spill coffee on my chair?

RK900: No.

Gavin: then why is there a stain on it you douche

RK900: sent image [douche.jpeg]

Gavin: what?? Th e fuck is that???

RK900: A douche, since you clearly do not know what one looks like.

Gavin: omg

 

8:34 a.m.

RK900: Did you perish, Detective?

Gavin: fuck off

Gavin: i think i know who spilled coffe on my char

RK900: Coffee* Chair*

Gavin: ur unbearable

RK900: You’re*

Gavin: im calling Cyberlife to come pick ur plastic ass up and toss you into a dumpster

 

--

 

8:41 a.m.

Josh is online

Kara is online

Luther is online

robo jesus is online

probable cause is online

 

Josh: we need more people here

probable cause: does anyone have the tracis’ contact infos?

probable cause: they seemed cool! :)

robo jesus: the gayer the better

Josh: dsdfsdfsdfskjf

Josh: i dunno simon, they liVE AT JERICHO

probable cause: oh shit u right

Kara: dont swear its bad for the baby

probable cause: the baby???

Kara: you

robo jesus: dsfdfkjdf

 

Savage™ is online

 

Savage™: Good morning everyone :)

Kara: hello Connor! :D

Josh: hi

Luther: :) Hello

probable cause: good morning!

robo jesus: UR NOT ALLOWED TO BE ON YOUR PHONE??? AT WORK?? I THOUGHT??

Savage™: I just thought i should tell you all that Detective Gavin Reed is throwing things

 

9:01 a.m.

Josh: I think we’re all too confused to talk connor

robo jesus: wh-

robo jesus: whY??

Savage™: Hank spilled coffee on his chair-

Savage™: oh he just threw a cup at Lieutenant Anderson

Kara: Gavin doesn’t seem like a good influence :0

probable cause: Hank is literally an alcoholic but go off

Savage™: I actually have Hank on a recovery plan for that :)

probable cause: oh thats nice!

Savage™: :)

 

9:08 a.m.

Luther: You work with this Gavin??

Savage™: Well, i don’t technically work with Detective Reed, that’s my doppelgangers job.

Savage™: RK900 is restraining Reed as we speak

Josh: im laughing so hard at this all fsdfddffsd

Josh: hoW DO U GET WORK DONE IN THIS ENVIRONMENT??

Savage™: No one usually gets any work done when Gavin is like this

Luther: Wait, you have a doppelganger?

Savage™: image sent [3vrGUSLQH3XeCt6M6_RK900] Yes

Luther: Oh

robo jesus: I didn’t notice last time but he has blue eyes, where u have brown?

Savage™: Personally, I think it’s to make him more intimidating

Savage™: Since we’re on the topic of RK900 :^)

Kara: oh no

Savage™: If you wouldn’t mind...

Savage™: Could we add him to the chat?

Josh: as long as Gavin doesn’t follow it’s good with me lmao

probable cause: yeah wouldn’t want him throwing digital cups

robo jesus: gssfdfdkjfDSFODFONSF

Luther: :) I don’t mind

Kara: should we wait for North?

Josh: i dunno is she ever gonna log back in???

Savage™: This will finally give her someone of equal sass to bicker with?

Savage™: Sorry, Josh

Josh: no-one appreciates me >:0

 

9:13 a.m.

Josh went offline

 

Savage™: oh no!! I didn’t mean for it to be rude!! :(

robo jesus: unacceptable, I’ll get him back

 

--

 

[Markus >> Josh]

Markus: oui oui u bitch get back into the chat u made Connor sad

Markus: and unlike u

Markus: i am NOT a pacifist >:|

 

--

 

9:16 a.m.

Josh is online

 

Josh: sent image [I_was_threatened.png]

robo jesus: sent image [Its_what_she_deserves.png]

Savage™: Welcome back, Josh! :)

 

North is online

 

9:18 a.m.

probable cause: SHES ALIVE!!!

robo jesus: igOR THE BRAINNNN

North: hey all

Kara: we missed u! <3 <3

Luther: <3

Josh: samesies

North: firstly, Luther is here! <3

North: secondly: “samESIES”?!?!? DSDSADSADSSDA

Josh: i was trying to say i missed u too

Josh: >:0

Savage™: Welcome back, North! :)

Savage™: I just looked up and Gavin somehow has a bloody nose now

North: whomst?

robo jesus: Gavin Reed, someone Connor works with, was having a tantrum at the station because Hank spilled coffee on his chair

robo jesus: and now he has a bloody nose…

probable cause: somehow

Savage™: Oh!

Savage™: Since North is here :^)))))))

 

9:25 a.m.

North: what does that mean im sCARED

Kara: Connor wanted to know if his doppelganger could join the group chat?

North: oh yeah

North: sure ofc

North: gimme his contact info Con

 

9:29 a.m.

North: neat

 

North added RK900 #313 248 317 (- 87)

 

RK900 #313 248 317 (- 87): Connor what is this that you have brought me into?

robo jesus: hOW DID U KNOW IT WAS CONNOR JFC DSFFDSFDFDSDFS

RK900 #313 248 317 (- 87): Oh, I can already tell this is going to be a pain of a group-chat to be a part of.

RK900 #313 248 317 (- 87): Also, I hardly believe Jesus of Nazareth was a robot, if he existed at all.

Josh: fdsdfdffsddsf u tELL ‘EM RK9

RK900 #313 248 317 (- 87): Please, Josh, address me by my full name

Josh: which is?

RK900 #313 248 317 (- 87): RK900 #313 248 317 (- 87), obviously.

Josh: aaAAAA HHHhjjhsdfjsfsd

 

North changed RK900 #313 248 317 (- 87)’s name to Bitch

 

Bitch: This hardly seems mature, North.

North: I know he can see my name but that name drop is still /unsettling/

Kara: Connor he’s nothing like you

Bitch: I’ll take that as a compliment.

robo jesus: how dare u

robo jesus: Connor is a DELIGHT

probable cause: i don’t blame Gavin for throwing things now

Bitch: Detective Gavin Reed was throwing things at Lieutenant Anderson, not me.

Savage™: Brother, how are you texting without using a phone?

Bitch: I’m interfacing with the cloud, RK800.

Josh: why doesn’t Luther ever type???

Luther: Oh, I don’t really have anything to say

Luther: I just kind of...watch?

North: no no- the real question is why does Bitch call Connor “RK800”??

Bitch: I assume, for the same reason why you call me “Bitch”.

North: to belittle u

Bitch: Oh.

Josh: wait why did u think she called u bitch???

robo jesus: wait wait- no, why did Connor even want RK900 #313 248 317 (- 87) in the chat in the first place?

Savage™: No reason in particular, Markus :)

Bitch: Its a nickname, is it not, Josh?

Josh: dsfdsfdsfsfd

Josh: im GONE, this chat is too much for me rn

 

Josh is offline

 

9:36 a.m.

probable cause: markus did u just use RK9’s entire “name”?

robo jesus: yes??

Bitch: Thank you for that, Jesus of Nazareth

North: :^)

robo jesus: north

robo jesus: north pl ease no

 

North changed robo jesus’s name to Jesus of Nazareth

 

North changed Bitch’s name to Judas

 

9:40 a.m.

probable cause: i brought u frankincense

Jesus of Nazareth: thank you

probable cause: and i brought you mur

Jesus of Nazareth: thank you

probable cause: /MURder/

Jesus of Nazareth: JudAS NO

Judas: I’m afraid I don’t understand.

Judas: Unless you are implying that I’m going to murder Jesus of Nazareth, then I am “lost” as they say.

Jesus of Nazareth: oh btw did Hank survive the cup??

Judas: Yes, I prohibited Detective Reed from causing any more damage to anyone or anything.

North: ominous

Judas: Not really.

 

North changed Judas’s name to Bitch

 

North: it fits better

 

9:46 a.m.

Savage™: Oh, the Captain is leaving his office,

Savage™: I should not let him see me on my phone, goodbye all

Bitch: Farewell.

 

Savage™ is offline

Bitch is offline

 

Jesus of Nazareth: they grow up so fast :’)

probable cause: waIT SO SINCE RK900 TALKS THROUGH THE CLOUD THAT MEANS HE CAN TALK WHENEVER HE WANTS WITHOUT FEAR OF THE RULES

probable cause: HE JUST LEFT BECAUSE HE DIDN’T WANT TO BE AROUND US >:O

Kara: are you shocked?

North: my wife coming in with the TRUTH

Luther: sent image [thats_our_wife.png]

North: thats so inclusive thank u luther omg

 

--

 

9: 57 a.m.

[Gavin >> RK900]

Gavin: you fucking punched me???

Gavin: in the nose????

RK900: I apologize, Detective.

Gavin: ur apology means jack-shit to me tin-can

Gavin: i already have a scar there u bitch

RK900: I was concerned you were getting out of control, do you need a smoke to calm down?

Gavin: dont change the topic

Gavin: u just wanted to punch me u bastard

RK900: There’s other ways I know you like to get physical, Detective. If i truly wanted to touch you, I would’ve done one of those.

Gavin: stop

RK900: Stop what, Detective?

Gavin: flirting you asshole!

Gavin: stiop fucking flirting wiht me

Gavin: i hate u

RK900: Would you like to discuss this in person, Gavin? In private?

 

10:09 a.m.

Gavin: maybe

Gavin: after u apologize

RK900: I did Detective.

Gavin: but like

Gavin: sincerely

RK900: It was sincere.

Gavin: bullshit

RK900: It was.

 

10:11 a.m.

RK900: Detective?

 

10:14 a.m.

RK900: Reed?

 

10:20 a.m.

RK900: I’m sorry for causing you physically harm, Detective.

RK900: /Sincerely./

Chapter Text

4:04 a.m.

North is online

 

North: so was anyone going to tell me that the Pied Piper was a real person??

North: or was i just supposed to figure that out in a meme?

 

4:08 a.m.

North: hello??

North: is no one seriously on?

 

4:11 a.m.

North: wow i finally come back and this is how you all treat me? the disrespect

 

4:14 a.m.

Bitch: I would not consider the Pied Piper a "real" person.

North: ????

North: why do you have parentheses around 'real'?? hello?? he literally took a hundred kids from a town but hes not a "real" person??

Bitch: From all known accounts, the so called "Pied Piper" took exactly 130 children from the town of Hamelin in 1284. But there is no evidence that the "Pied Piper" was a "real" person. Like in many ancient texts, he could simply be symbolism for anything, a plague that killed the children, an attack from another village. I say he is not a "real" person because the first known account of the "Pied Piper" is a text that says "it is 100 years since our children left." Left. The children left. Again that could mean anything. Like Jesus of Nazareth we only have the words that the people of that time gave us. We do not know if it is fact or fiction.

 

4:21 a.m.

North: ok but you agree the "Pied Piper" existed?

Bitch: I...

North: well????

Bitch: Sure.

 

Bitch is offline

 

4:30 a.m.

North: wait why are you up at 4 am?

North: aw shit he gone

 

--

 

6:30 a.m.

[RK900 >> Gavin]

RK900: Would you consider the "Pied Piper" a real person?

 

6:33 a.m.

Gavin: this is THE SINGLE most CONFUSIONG "good morning" text you have ever sent me, what, pray tell, the /fuck??/

RK900: It is a simple question, Detective Reed.

Gavin: jesus christ, ok uh,,,

Gavin: no? i guess not? he's kinda like fairy tale/myth so hes not really a "real" person

RK900: That's the correct answer. Thank you, Detective.

 

RK900 is offline

 

6:37 a.m.

Gavin: did u just,,,???

 

--

 

7:00 a.m.

Savage™ is online

Josh is online

Kara is online

Jesus of Nazareth is online

 

Savage™: Does anyone here know a good birthday present for a dog?

Josh: for a

Josh: a dog??

Savage™: Yes, that is what i typed.

Kara: Maybe a chew toy, Connor?

Josh: you're thinking too small, Kara. Its Sumo's birthday, you gotta think bigger!

North: Don't tell Kara how to think, or what to do, Josh.

Jesus of Nazareth: *eye emoji* yikes

Jesus of Nazareth: also wait, North you're on??? at 7 am?

North: so is josh, and i would hardly call him an "early riser"

Josh: u right u right

North: plus i've been up since 4

Kara: It's true. She was cursing at her phone for some reason, and i meant to ask you, North, why was that?

North: Just like his nickname, RK9 was being a bitch about the pied piper

Josh: THE WHOMST?

Jesus of Nazareth: do i dare ask why???

Savage™: Why was my brother being 'a bitch' about the Pied Piper, North?

Josh: "brother"????

North: i brought the piper up, saying he was a real person, (bc of a meme btw) and then rk9 got on my ass about it saying that he WASN'T "a rEaL PeRsON BecAuse TecHniCallY-" >:/

Savage™: Why did he write like that? Was he malfunctioning?

North: what

Jesus of Nazareth: no connor she was mocking him, its a meme format

Jesus of Nazareth: image sent [mocking_spongebob_meme.jpeg]

 

7:23 a.m.

Savage™: Oh, okay I understand now. Funny :)

North: ew a jpeg

Josh: im sorry, so is no one going to mention Connor calling RK9 his brother? or??

North: no

Jesus of Nazareth: no

Kara: no

 

7:25 a.m.

Josh: ok wow

 

7:30 a.m.

Savage™: So about the present :)

Jesus of Nazareth: Simon is better at this stuff then me, but, maybe like something physical like Kara suggested? it really depends...

Jesus of Nazareth: do you want to get him exercise or fun or do you want to get him something to change his look, like a collar?

Savage™: You're right, i should get him some type of toy. Thank you :D

 

Savage™ is offline

 

North: whats it with the rk series and just popping in and out

Jesus of Nazareth: its what we do best.