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Fuckin fishes be fuckin drowning

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Sheldon doesn’t understand why he can’t pick up chicks. Is it because they’re too heavy? Or he’s too small? He tried to pick up Pearl once because she’s only a little taller than him, but he only got as far as buying a concert ticket to see her perform and didn’t even make it into the concert because he “wasn’t cool enough”, and thus began his quest to be cool. He set out to see the coolest creature he knew to begin this quest.

On his way to Spyke’s garbage alley, Sheldon waves in passing at his friend Marie, who is wearing an inky rider leather jacket and leaning casually on Judd. After Sheldon has passed Judd rips her the fuck up for leaning on him while he’s trying to fucking sleep because that ole gasbag can’t get a damn wink ya know?

“Spyke!” Sheldon’s noisily voice screeches, causing the sea urchin to actually look up once from their precious sea snails. Spyke is genderfluid in this fic and nobody actually cares because this is the future and squids change gender all the damn time without question and they can all just fucking respect that. Spyke doesn’t get harassed for not identifying under the same gender every minute of every day and frequently changes pronouns to reflect that and everyone doesn’t give them shit about it and it’s pretty great.
“Can you teach me how to be cool?” Sheldon says; atrocious eyes beaming up through his irrationally sized specs.

Spyke changes her pronouns; no one cares.
Spyke changes zir pronouns; no one cares.
Spyke changes his pronouns; no one cares.
Spyke changes their pronouns; no one cares.
Spyke settles on he/him for a minute. Nobody cares but you, Adam, so kindly please fuck off.

“Cool, huh?” Spyke reiterates as if Sheldon was a dumbass, which in a way is the problem. If Sheldon was a dumbass he might be cooler according to societal standards.
Spyke pulls out a joint. She lights it the fuck up and sucks the whole damn thing down in one drag. His eye turns a rational color. Their smile turns and irrational color. Zir body remains the same, but now not moving repetitiously with their idling animation. He chuckles, but it sounds like two whoops from a police siren.

“So-“ ze starts, but then gets hit by a police car. Cops come out and arrest her ass for public nudity. Did I mention Spyke was naked?

“Oh shit,” Sheldon says as the popo getta gogo. “Now I’ll never know where to start.”

“You wanna be cool, huh?” Marie asks, standing in the shadows. She’s wearing sunglasses but Sheldon knows she’s doing her best resting bitch face for the occasion. “You could start by smoking weed everyday…”

“But I-“

Marie takes off her sunglasses. “IF YOU WANNA END UP A DEAD ASS PIECE OF TRASH LIKE SPYKE IN JAIL NOW GOOD FUCKING LORD!” Her head has grown to the size of Sheldon’s mad specs to accommodate for all the yelling going in her mouth because it gotta get bigger for that much rage, ya feel.

“Fair and valid,” Sheldon shrugs. It sounds unnatural coming from such a loser, but maybe that means he’s on his way.

“Listen bub,” Marie says, regaining her composure. She didn’t have to smoke weed for that. It is possible, maybe. “You wanna be cool? Come play mahjong with me.”

“Mahjong will make me cool?”

“No dumbass, I’m gonna teach you how to cheat at shit. You can cheat at being cool too when you git gud enough.”

“That makes more Cents.”

“It’s spelled sense,” Marie said.

“team money,”

Marie and Sheldon go play mahjong really poorly and Sheldon pays Marie one million dollars for the cheating lessons. Sheldon starts big and tried to cheat at Mahjong against Judd who is literally a judge of the biggest Wii sport in Inkopolis: foobah. (That’s what all the cool squids call clam blitz)

Sheldon gets his ass kicked by Judd after thinking about cheating because Judd saw it coming and was not for that, homie. Sheldon goes to whine to Marie about it but she’s busy giving cheating lessons to orphans as her charity work. Sheldon sells all the kids guns and then it DOES make cents.

The eNd.