Chapter Text
X-MEN Equilibrium
Chapter One - Confusion
Chaos.
Wherever she looked, there was fire, dying people, destruction.
She was the source of this destruction.
Watching herself from outside, she could see her victims all around her.
Until He reached closer.
No one else.
Not Scott.
Not the Professor.
His claws pierced through her ribcage.
She experienced death yet again.
Jean woke up with a gasp. She looked around her frantically, Scott was fast asleep by her side, his sleeping visor secured before his eyes. She wasn't projecting the nightmare this time. At least she wouldn't worry him.
She sat up on the mattress and took a deep breath as she pushed her red mane away from the sweaty skin of her face. The room was still dark, only the moon shedding some light from the windows of the suite, she preferred semi darkness as she could feel a headache was approaching. She couldn't understand what kind of dream that was. Her powers didn't tingle like every time she had a glimpse into the future. This mostly felt like worry projected, yet; not hers, the nightmare felt strange and familiar at the same time.
It had been a week ever since it started, at first; observing moments of Alkali Lake that never happened, her skin darkening, her eyes turning black, nothing to do with her physical changes when her powers manifest. She couldn't understand what all this was about and what had do with her.
She stood up from her bed, gathered her fire-red mane in a big bun and approached the large window of hers and Scott's suite.
Life has been peaceful for years, what's all this about? She wondered to herself. Her eyes followed the window rail to the small table by its side. There was a photo frame there, her, Scott and the little girl of theirs, Hope. Their daughter was a beautiful child of eleven with red hair like Jean's and the beautiful blue eyes of her father. A sweet child with such a cunning mind and great potential.
Her smile faded as she recalled the dream again. She had to speak to Charles. For the past week she had trouble sleeping and if she knew one thing, that was; a slip because of exhaustion or psychological problems and she could wreck the mansion with a snap of her fingers.
It had all began the day Logan started acting strange, one day he was fine, planning his and Ororo's trip to Africa, the next he was canceling everything, loading Jean with the history classes - as if she didn't have enough work with a child, physics classes and the lab she shared with Hank- and acting all strange. For a couple of days, Jean had truly believed Logan would simply take off again, like he had done so many years ago.
Jean however could detect something was wrong, Logan seemed lost, spending hours with Charles at his office, just like when he had first come to the Mansion, he seemed different.
The fact of avoiding her also hurt.
They had come over the years to a mutual agreement that his feelings for her where tender but not sexual anymore, that's why Ororo had stepped in, that's why she had kept up with her life. It had been a flame but nothing too drastic to change their lives. Her marriage with Scott had followed, Hope afterwards. Everything had taken a course for the best. And Logan was happy with this outcome. At least that's what he had shown for years until last week.
She was worried about his face that morning but her worry had skyrocketed when he had looked at Hope the same evening. His disbelief, as if he hadn't seen the child before. The hurt in his eyes when he looked between Hope and Jean, he had forgotten he was Hope's favorite uncle.
Ororo was worried, Scott was confused but Jean was actually afraid of what was going on.
They had fought so hard for balance, over the years they had fought over so many things, Erik and the Brotherhood, Raven, Stryker and his Son, her own struggle with her powers, the drama over the so called Cure, Nathaniel Essex, Apocalypse, Logan's past, but they had made it, despite all the problems, they had achieved peace.
And Jean would fight for that peace.
xXx
'It took you long enough,' Charles stated with a smile as Jean was the first person to enter his study the next day. He was maybe the most affectionate before Jean as she was his first student and if he wanted to be honest with himself, his favorite, along Scott and Ororo of course. Hank after a point was not a student of his but an actual colleague so he always considered them students.
'Good morning, Charles.' Jean greeted with a smile as he gestured for her and the tray that floated by her shoulder to approach and sit. She sat down and the tray moved on the table, cubes of sugar moved on the cups and then the jar started filling them, Charles smiled at the delicate use of her powers. 'You know why I'm here?' Jean asked and Charles smiled.
From his original three X-Men, he defined Scott as a Son, a rock he could rely on, his feet that he had lost so long ago. With Ororo he shared a partnership, she was his daughter, the one who would put everyone in their place with her demanding nature so he could have everyone's attention. But with Jean, he shared a connection only the two of them could understand. She wasn't a daughter to him, although he had guided her for years, she was his triumph over his failure with Raven. She was his sister, although so much younger, she was his companion in telepathy as they had reached so deep into each other's minds for practice and help of each other.
Scott, Ororo and Jean were his family.
'I do,' he simply replied and she nodded, waiting. Her eyes were soft; a softness she had gained back after the birth of her child. Charles could recall the fire that burnt in her gaze for years during her struggle with her powers. The days of suffering, Essex and his experiments, the days of Alkali Lake and what Erik had forced her to do with her powers through William Stryker. But that primal fire had faded and serenity had found her again when she cuddled her child in her arms, after those agonizing days of the cure.
'I have nightmares,' Jean confessed before Charles could say anything. 'Of myself as the Phoenix but not exactly like that, they're different and I can't decode their subconscious meaning, Charles.' Jean finally took it out of her system and Charles nodded, he could see the worry etched all over her face.
'That's because they're not yours, my dear.' Charles hinted and Jean looked at him. She should have thought of the obvious, her wondering eyes pushed him to talk further. 'Logan's,' he revealed and could see Jean's eyes darkening with worry. 'Jean... you and I have seen things that mind and consciousness can do that other people can't even imagine, is that right?' her nod made him continue. 'What if I told you, all the things you have seen, are from another timeline, a different timeline of which Logan's consciousness returned last week? From a trip I and Erik had sent him to, almost fifty years ago?' Charles suggested and Jean sighed deeply after a moment more of silence.
'I knew it wouldn't be that easy,' she concluded, trying to remain calm of what was to come...
xXx
It was a wrong choice from her part to ask Charles to show instead of talk to her about what Logan had experienced for the past years. Especially when she had such a vivid telepathic relationship with her mentor.
She wandered through the mansion, her beeper had notified her a few times while she was with Charles that someone might needed her. It was beeping again but she ignored it completely as she rushed closer to the elevators. She pushed the button for the lower level and waited with her eyes glued somewhere on the door.
She couldn't believe what she had seen, what she had learnt.
Logan's sacrifice to travel back in time for all of them. The future the planet would have if Raven had been captured. Her own entire life if Charles had made those mistakes. Her own death was shocking, reminding her of Annie's death, her murdering Scott and Charles…. Erik's betrayal was almost expected as it didn't fell far from what he had done to her in her own timeline. So many of her people dying, Rogue's torture and imprisonment. The Sentinels. Her child never been born.
Jean took a deep breath, even for a scientist of her PhDs and masters, it was hard to believe all this had actually happened, all this was Logan's new reality. He remembered nothing of what happened to him in all the years Jean knew him. He had lived a different reality, where she had killed so many, where she had died by his hand.
A time she had been a monster.
This was what hurt the most, it was a different reality, where Charles took the blame for so many things, but it was a reality nonetheless. She was capable of all those crimes, all this destruction that she called a nightmare, she had materialized it all back in that reality.
She had been a monster; she had failed to fight it as she had done in her own time.
No. She thought to herself. Charles fixed it all, it's like it never happened, not for you, not for Scott, not for Charles himself, or Raven or the entire human and mutant species. Life took different courses; Charles made better choices that resulted to your life now, your balance, your marriage and child, the team and the school. The President is one of us, the society is trying to adjust, we try to keep the dream alive. You're not the monster you could have been. You fought your demons and won.
Logan must learn that.
She had to find him. She needed to take the guilt of killing her, off him. He had sacrificed so much for all of them, she owed him that. She had to talk to him.
Jean wondered if Ororo should learn about this, how would she feel that Logan had reached the past as to give them all a chance, as to save Jean? This was so confusing, awkward and uncomfortable.
All her life had been known to her. She still had so many questions but for that day at least, all she had seen was all she could take from a different reality check. Should she tell Scott? That was another issue. How you tell your husband that Logan came from a reality in which you killed that said husband, destroyed so many and killed your mentor? All that because said mentor failed to work with your powers and you ended up as a psycho killer with a double personality?
She was in the lab before she could even realize it. Hank was absent, she wondered what the time was. She finally checked her pager and saw calls from Scott, Ororo and Hank but they had been hours ago. The most recent was from Hope. It was normal for them not to see each other for hours every day since the school was busy with so many students but she had to put herself together. Even if only her daughter was a telepath, her family knew her well and would realize something was going on in an instant. It wasn't her place to talk to anyone about it, she decided. After all, Charles was still working with Logan about details of the past fifty years. Logan would need time to adjust slowly, on his own, no need for people to keep asking him about things he couldn't or wouldn't answer.
Jean wondered how long it would take for him to realize his feelings were different, would his emotional states from the two realities interfere with each other? She realized with great discomfort that for him to go back in time and even kill her himself, his feelings for her must had been very strong. Not the intrigue she had experienced in her own time, in that timeline, his feelings were like hellfire.
Worry overcame her again about Ororo, she didn't deserve the pain. Jean knew Ororo had been fascinated by Logan from the first moment he had stepped in the mansion and she didn't see any great changes in the two timelines on that matter. She had been hesitant at first, wanting to make sure she wouldn't be Logan's stepping stone and she hadn't been. However, Logan's passionate need for Jean as she had experienced, it didn't match the love he had felt in the alternative universe.
Jean rubbed her eyes as she had sat before her desk. She wouldn't be able to work as to take her mind off all those things but she had to gather herself. She had moved to the lab mostly for the privacy of it. Without worrying anyone, without burdening Logan further.
Now, she understood it all, the hurt when he saw Hope, the disbelief when he saw Jean herself. Even the relief when he saw Scott. The awkwardness when Ororo kissed him when no student was looking. He was lost because he was thrown into a time many good but strange things had happened.
'Jean?' the voice snapped her out of her thoughts and brought he back to reality and before her husband. 'Are you ok? I have been paging you for hours.' Scott said and Jean smiled and nodded her head. It seemed impossible to her that she had killed him in that reality. 'Our link is quiet, I got worried.' He added and she smiled and approached him.
Their link was something they didn't share in that reality, explained by the lack of control over her powers. Usually telepathic bonds are made between, well, telepaths, but she and Scott had created a bond, a telepathic link that saved their lives more than once. The bond was rare, maybe the only one of its kind between a telepath and a non-telepath, sharing not only thoughts but also feelings and desires. She and Scott were connected in so many ways and so deeply that it was hard even for Charles to give a name and an explanation to their link.
Jean had a name for it: true love, evolved physically through mutation.
'I am fine, Scott,' Jean replied softly and hugged him tightly, feeling settled for the reality she knew, the reality where life hadn't been that bad. His own arms wrapped around her and she felt his lips on her neck. She moved just a bit away so she could look at her husband. 'I had some nightmares and Charles wanted to help.' She finally explained and Scott nodded and gave a small sigh.
'I know, you have been projecting a little in the nights,' Scott revealed and Jean felt her stomach dropping but she tried to keep the worry away from her eyes.
'I am really sorry,' She confessed and he shook his head and caressed her cheek with affection.
'It's completely fine. I could see only nonsense anyway, scary nonsense but unreal stuff anyway.' Scott brushed off with an attempt at humor and Jean tried so hard to follow into a chuckle that mostly came out as a choke. 'I have to admit that I hadn't been used on your fear of killing me, I thought this was out of your list of fears for a long time now but obviously you're afraid of this again… Do I have it so bad?' Scott tried again and this time she laughed honestly.
'You have done nothing wrong,' Jean reassured him and Scott grinned and nodded as he stole another kiss.
'I hope so,' Scott whispered as his hand caressed her lower back, one of his favorite bits of hers….
'But we need to talk' Jean added, Scott's hand dropped on his side and he groaned.
'I knew it,' He moaned and she smiled and stole a kiss this time.
'Nothing is wrong; I just need to explain a few things.' Jean this time sent through the bond and Scott huffed.
'Using the bond for the prologue... I know I won't like it.' Scott declared, preferring the actual verbal conversation and Jean sighed and gave him an uneasy smile.
'I know why Logan is like this for the past days and you need to know too.' Jean projected again and Scott this time sighed as well.
'OK…. Shoot.' He sent back and opened up the bond for her to start showing instead of talking about the issue at hand.