Kim Kibum was eight when he first met Kim Jonghyun. The day had been like any other - it had been sunny and had a light breeze. There was nothing truly special about that day to anyone except a young boy. Bright brown eyes sparkled as the boy brushed some hair out of his face as he ran towards the playground. He had not a single care in the world other than building the sand castle that he had been working on for the last few days. He was so very proud of his work. (it was fitting for a true princess. ) And he planned to finish it today, after all, today was his birthday, and this was his gift to himself.
The boy settled down in the sand pit and promptly began to add a tower to his castle. He could imagine what it would look like if it was real. It would be carved from marble and jade, and it would have magnificent pillars with pearl bases. There would be four out-towers, and one main building. In the center of the castle, there would be a large ballroom - like the types he had seen in movies. He would find the love of his life, and he would dance his nights away. The boy was so focused on his castle that he didn't even notice when some of the older boys approached him.
His only warning was a snicker before his castle exploded before his eyes. He jumped back as sand flew everywhere, and a moment later, he could see the rock that had ruined his creation. Kibum looked at the older boys, and held back his tears. He couldn't let them see how much destroying his castle upset him. "Why did you do that?" He asked instead, and the boys just laughed. He gripped a handful of sand and launched it at the boy in the center. It hit the older kid directly in the face, causing him to let out a girly squeak and jump backwards. Kibum felt a brief glare of pride, but that feeling fled when he saw the enraged look on the other's face.
"So the girly boy can fight back." He sneered, and Kibum shied away from the menacing look. "Maybe we should show him how a real girl acts. After all, no boy should be dreaming and building castles." He laughed, and he and his gang took a step forward. It was at this point that Kibum began to feel a real threat from the boys. They advanced closer, and Kibum launched himself backwards, trying to get to his feet so he could flee the scene. But before he could get far, he was tugged back by his shirt. He felt and heard it rip, and horror stiffened his body, followed by anger.
"You just ripped my shirt!" He screeched, and whipped around to claw at the hands that gripped his ruined shirt. The older boy hissed, then hit the younger one to get him to stop. Kibum whimpered, and with a signal, the other two boys grabbed his hands so he couldn't fight back. He knew he had his feet, but he couldn't put a lot of pressure on his shoulders, so his feet stayed planted firmly on the ground.
"Time to teach this girly boy a lesson." The leader sneered, and the other two boys buckled darkly, and it sent another thrill of fear through the brunette's veins. What were they going to do to him? He didn't have long to wonder, because his head was pulled back harshly by a hand in his hair (and oh god it hurt, but he wouldn't give these bullies the satisfaction of seeing him cry or show any pain) and suddenly there was a pair of lips pushing roughly against his own. He did cry out when he felt teeth pierce his lip, and only a moment later, he could taste the blood.
The boy pulled back, a evil smile residing on his face, and a bit of Kibum's blood on his lips. "How'd you like that, Girly?" He taunted, and leaned in, as if he was going to kiss the boy again, but Kibum head butted him, a fierce scowl on the usually smiling boy's face. (He wasn't a girl, and he would not accept that his first kiss had been stolen from him.) "I'm not a girl!" He hissed, and struggled against the other two boys, even though they were a lot stronger than he was. The leader was making a weird sort of keening noise and was holding his head. Kibum made a triumphant sound, and had his shoulders not been held hostage, he would have kicked the other boy in the shin.
But like a bull, the head bully straightened back up, his face contorted in fury. "You little brat!" He growled, and then punched Kibum harshly in the stomach. The younger boy couldn't help it as he cried out, tears instantly flooding his eyes. He could barely see the bully raising his fist again when a dark blur tackled the bully to the ground. Kibum turned blurry eyes towards where the bully had fallen, and saw another boy hitting him in the face. 'Wow,' he thought. 'He just knocked down a boy bigger than him!'
The other two boys, seeing their leader fall, instantly let go of Kibum and ran in the other direction. Kibum's savior stood, and spit on the older bully. "Don't pick on someone smaller than you. Now leave!" He commanded, pointing in the direction where the other two boys had ran off, and Kibum was shocked when the older boy actually listened. There was a huff, and the boy turned to Kibum, who had sunk to the ground once he had been released. "Hey, are you okay?" He offered a hand, which the sitting boy just looked at. (Who was he? He was like a young knight in shining armor, and Kibum's heart did a little flip in his chest.)
After pulling his hand back, the boy tilted his head at Kibum. "Well, I'm Kim Jonghyun!" He told Kibum cheerily, "It's good that I came when I did, right?" He said with a huge grin and he crossed his arms behind his head. Kibum looked at him, and then burst into tears. He rubbed at his eyes as the liquid poured from his warm brown eyes. Jonghyun's eyes widened, and panic spread across his face, and he waved his hands in front of him. "Hey- hey! I didn't mean to make you cry or anything!" He exclaimed.
Kibum shook his head, and then looked up at Jonghyun. "T-they destroyed my... My sandcastle!" He hiccuped, and looked sorrowfully at the pile that used to be his castle. "That was m-my birthday present..." He whimpered, and wiped more tears off of his face. Jonghyun was silent, and Kibum was sure that the other boy had left, and would probably point at him and laugh later and call him a girl. But to his surprise, he saw Jonghyun walk over and plop down next to the ruined castle. Kibum stared blankly at him as he began to push the dirt back up.
"Well? Are you going to just sit there?" The black haired boy asked, lookin softly irritated. "Recess is almost over, and your gift isn't ready! If we hurry, we can finish it." He said, and then smiled at the brown eyed boy. Kibum was silent, and then he smiled widely, and began to work on his castle again. He found that working next to Jonghyun was oddly comforting, and he knew that this boy was his true birthday gift.
- Jonghyun and Key: All Those Little Memories -
From that day on, Jonghyun was always by Kibum's side. They never did anything without first talking to the other one about it, and they were so often at each other's houses that their parents started treating both of them like their own sons. Kibum had never been so happy, and Jonghyun was always grinning when he was around the other boy.
When puberty began to hit at the tender age of thirteen, Kibum began to see his best friend, his brother, as something completely different. They had always held hands when they were younger, but now when Jonghyun reached for his hand, he pulled it away. He always looked away, not wanting to see the questioning look on his friend's face, and he had simply pushed the matter aside by declaring that it wasn't right for him to hold hands with someone that he wasn't dating. Now their touches were limited, and anything else had Kibum's heart racing and his cheeks coloring pink.
He realized that the reason he got so nervous when Jonghyun tried to hold his hand was because he wanted it to mean something more than friendship. He had a crush on his best friend, and he had a strong feeling that if he were to tell his friend the truth about how he felt, it would rip their relationship apart. So he vowed to keep quiet, and kept his place at Jonghyun's side as a best friend. He figured that his crush was only a hormonal issue as well, and as he passed the time, these feelings that he kept hidden would fade.
When Jonghyun was sixteen, he got a girlfriend. Her name was Lee, and she was absolutely beautiful, with caramel brown hair that hung in soft waves to her breasts, and warm hazel eyes. Kibum could tell that Jonghyun was smitten with the girl, and he simply smiled as he listened to his friend recount all the things about Lee that he liked. In the back of his mind, Kibum cataloged all the things that Jonghyun liked about this girl, and began planning how he could incorporate these into his life. Maybe if he was more feminine and pretty, Jonghyun would notice him standing right in front of his eyes.
So Kibum began buying all sorts of hygienic products. He cleansed his skin, lengthened his eyebrows, made his lips soft, made sure that his nails were perfectly filed, and always wore clothes that were flattering to his figure. But Jonghyun didn't notice any of these things, because he was too focused on Lee. Even when Kibum wore the specific type of perfume Jonghyun claimed to love, the other man didn't notice him. He worked harder, and everyone around him noticed how attractive he was becoming. (Everyone but the man he wanted so desperately to notice him. The little crush from three years past had blossomed into something beautiful, but was stained with sadness and was crippled by his constant suppressing of the feelings.)
That was when Kibum began to act like the girls did. He gossiped and spread rumors like wildfire. He was never intentionally cruel, but many things that he had said had made many a girl cry. One day, Kibum accidentally said something about Lee. It hadn't been anything bad, seeing as he had only commented how her shoes never matched her outfit, but Jonghyun had snapped at him.
"What the hell, Kibum?" He had glared at the brunette, his dark eyes flashing with anger. "Do you ever get tired of constantly insulting people? Do you enjoy being a critic who makes other people cry? When did you become such a diva?" Jonghyun had practically snarled at him before turning on his heel and walking away with Lee. Kibum was stunned into silence, but when Lee looked over her shoulder and mouthed something at him, he turned and walked away, looking down at the ground so no one could see the emotions storming in his eyes.
Needless to say, Jonghyun had come to him later that night, apologizing. Kibum had listened patiently, and then had said sorry as well. He went onto explain that he hadn't meant any harm by commenting on Lee's outfit. Jonghyun smiled at him then, and told Kibum that he had dumped her. The brunette sighed, and said that he was sorry for Jonghyun. (But he wasn't sorry. He was glad, because that meant that he would have Jonghyun all to himself again.) After that night, they went back to being as close as they could be, and agreed that they wouldn't let a girl come between them again.
That night, Kibum knew that the feelings that he had harbored for three years wouldn't fade, and he admitted to himself that he was in love with his best friend.
After that night, Jonghyun dated many other girls, but none of them stuck. But Kibum smiled like the best friend he was supposed to be and told the raven haired boy that he would find the right girl when the time is right. And Kibum knew exactly what type of girl would be right for Jonghyun: she would have to have smooth skin, soft lips, shiny hair, and have a great personality... Everything that Kibum had made himself into. Alas, he was a boy, and knew that Jonghyun would never see him like that.
He suppressed his feelings, hiding them deep within himself so that Jonghyun would never notice the turmoil in his eyes. He never let himself look longingly at Jonghyun when other people were there to notice. And at night, his dreams even dangled what he couldn't have in front of him. He could feel the pressure in his chest rise with every day he spent alongside his best friend. (It ached, and Kibum hoped and wished that someday his best friend would notice him... But he knew that it was hopeless.)
- Jonghyun and Key: All Those Little Memories -
On the eve of his seventeenth birthday, Kibum had a party, and invited all of his friends. It wasn't an overly large group, but it was an even split between boys and girls, and that led to the group deciding to play Truth or Dare. Kibum was excited, because frankly, he loved this game. He had never turned down a dare, and the truths were easily admitted, and the whole game just made him giddy.
When the game first started, the dares were trivial things like dancing in a circle and making awkward noises. But when Kibum's turn came around, he smirked and told them to give him the worst dare they could think of. His dare was to strip to just his pants and give the group a sexy dance. He laughed and did so happily, but his eyes only ever met Jonghyun's, but what shocked him was that his best friend looked angry. (Why did he look like that? Had Kibum done something wrong?)
Once his turn was over, he asked Jonghyun truth or dare. The raven haired male said dare, and Kibum paused for a moment. "I dare you to take someone of your choosing, and go up to my room for ten minutes. You two can do whatever you please within those ten minutes." He said with a grin. He knew for a fact that Jonghyun had even talking a lot about one of the girls at the party, and knew that he would probably choose her. Even though it tore at his heart, Kibum gave Jonghyun that little push so that he might find happiness. (Even if it wasn't him. If Jonghyun was happy, then Kibum would smile and wish him the best of luck, no matter how much it hurt.)
Jonghyun had glanced around the circle, and then had looked directly back at Kibum. "You." He simply stated, and stood up and walked calmly toward's Kibum's room. Shock was clearly evident on his face, and he quickly got up and followed the raven up to his room. (What was happening? Why hadn't Jonghyun chosen Hyori?) He shut the door behind him, and looked at Jonghyun, who still had the angry look on his face.
"Why did you choose me?" He asked softly. "You've been talking about Hyori for weeks! I'm surprised that you didn't jump at the chance to get her up here with you." Kibum said, and looked sideways a little bit so that Jonghyun couldn't look into his eyes and see all the dirty thoughts in his mind. He loved Jonghyun, but Jonghyun would hate him if he saw how he truly felt. There was a rustle of fabric, and when Kibum looked back forward, Jonghyun's face was only centimeters in front of his own.
"Kibum. Tell me what all those girls had in common." He whispered, his deep brown eyes staring directly in Kibum's own. He sucked in a breath, not sure what Jonghyun was getting at, but then considered the question. (He didn't want to answer, because he knew that everything he would list is what he tried so hard to be. It's what he aimed for so that maybe Jonghyun would notice him and realize that the one person who would always love him was right in front of his face!)
"They all have shiny hair, and smooth skin, and soft lips..." He whispered, an it was ironic to him that these comparisons were just echoes of his earlier thoughts. "They're all beautiful, they know exactly what clothes to wear, and all their accessories match their outfit perfectly. When they talk, they all know the right thing to say, and they're all super sweet and kind." Kibum told the other, and gritted his teeth while averting his eyes to the side so that he wouldn't have to look at Jonghyun. "They're all your type."
There was a scoff from in front of him, and Kibum looked up, and was shocked to see the pained expression on the raven's face. His hand automatically went up and caressed Jonghyun's cheek in a way of friendly comfort. "Hey, cheer up! I'm sure that Hyori will still come up here with you, if that's why you're upset. You could have just asked me later. Seriously, why did you pass up a chance with her-" Jonghyun's hand was suddenly covering his mouth, and his eyes were blazing with emotions.
"They all remind me of you, Kim Kibum." He said fiercely, and his face got just a little bit closer to the other boy. "They all have something in common with You. Maybe it's the way they look at me, or the way their hair blows just so in the wind, or even the way they say my name, but they look at me, and all I can see is you." His jaw clenched. "I try so hard to have the right feelings, you know? The feelings that a boy is supposed to have for a girl. But no matter how hard I try to like a girl, I just can't. The only person my heart pulls me toward is you. I don't want the girls with the perfect figure, or hairstyle, or clothes. I want you, and god damn me for wanting you so bad."
Kibum's heart stilled at Jonghyun's confession, and he couldn't believe what he was hearing, but Jonghyun hadn't stopped yet. "I know that it's not right for me to want another boy, but I can't help it. Ever since we were thirteen, my eyes only focus on you. And it's your smile, your laugh, the way you look at me that makes my heart speed up and my palms sweat! And then your dance downstairs. Do you know how badly that made me want you? You kept your eyes solely on me, as if taunting me with what I can't have!" Jonghyun's fist slammed into the wall beside Kibum's head, and the boy jerked against the hand covering his mouth.
Slowly, Jonghyun uncovered his mouth, and looked to the side. "That's why I brought you up here. I can't stand to hide how I feel from you any longer. I don't want Hyori, or anyone else." Deep brown eyes flashed up to meet shocked chocolate eyes, and the look that Jonghyun's orbs held was so intense that it made Kibum's knees week. "I'm sorry, I get that my feelings are probably one sided, but I couldn't take it anymore. You mean the world to me, and... And..." He trailed off, his eyes softening as he gazed at the boy. Without another word, he leaned forward, and his lips met Kibum's.
The kiss was passionate, but it also conveyed so many hidden feelings, and Kibum's heart restarted. He felt Jonghyun wrap his arms around his waist, both trapping him against the other's body and pulling him closer. But he didn't fight the kiss at all. In fact, he responded, and wrapped his arms around Jonghyun's neck and kissed him back, showing just as much emotion as the other male. Jonghyun's lips were slightly chapped, but Kibum loved the feel of those lips against his own anyways. And he simply couldn't believe that he was kissing his secret love, or that his feelings were reciprocated.
When they pulled apart for air, Kibum could feel the blood in his cheeks, and saw a mirror blush across Jonghyun's own face. Kibum licked his lips, and then kissed Jonghyun again, but this time it was slow and sensual, and he was showing his own feelings this time. When the seperated for the second time, Kibum grabbed Jonghyun's hand and placed it over his own heart, which was racing.
"See what you do to me?" He whispered. "You make my heart race." And Jonghyun simply stared at his hand on Kibum's chest in amazement. The moment was so perfect, and Kibum almost expected time to slow down like it did in the movies. He almost had his happy ending. His prince was real in his arms and had feelings for him too, and he felt like the most special person in the world. Jonghyun's eyes met his, and the question was evident in them, and Kibum didn't blame him for wondering if this was real or not. "I've wanted you for a long time," he whispered, and then kissed the older male again.
- Jonghyun and Key: All Those Little Memories -
Kim Kibum was seventeen when he began going by Key. People had questioned why the teen had suddenly decided to pick up a nickname, but he would never tell them why, only that the name had a special meaning behind it. He and Jonghyun were the only ones who knew the truth behind the name, and they intended for it to stay that way until they were both legal. But the night of Kibum's birthday, he and Jonghyun had not only confessed their feelings for one another, but had agreed to be exclusive.
Their first date had been something familiar to them, but had also been something new. Jonghyun had taken Key to their favorite ice cream parlor, and instead of them individually paying like before, Jonghyun had insisted that he pay. "I should treat my boyfriend-" (The notion still made Key's heart race whenever he heard the word slip from Jonghyun's lips) "-to ice cream." He had said. Key had eventually given in, but that was when he demanded that he pay for the movie tickets.
It was just a simple mistake when Key let Jongyun pick what movie they were going to see. The elder boy knew that even though Key loved horror movies, he also was easily scared by them. The movie that he chose was supposedly the scariest movie of the year, and when Key saw that, his face paled just a little bit, but he pushed forward, knowing that he would have the raven with him. When they had gotten settled in the theater and the lights went off, Key latched onto Jonghyun's arm.
The movie started out normal, like every other horror movie that Key had forced himself to watch. Key was just starting to relax when a jump-scare happened. "YAAA!" He shrieked loudly, and it just happened that luck was on his side because a few other people screamed with him. Jonghyun chuckled, and it earned him a glare from his diva of a boyfriend. "That wasn't funny..." Key pouted, and the look was so adorable that Jonghyun simply had to kiss the pouty lips that were presented to him.
After the movie was over, the boys had stolen into a corner and had shared a passionate kiss before parting ways any going to their respective homes. To many people, their first date would have seemed simple, but to Key, it was wonderful, and he couldn't imagine a better first date... Although he hoped that sometime in the future their would be a romantic dinner illuminated by candlelight. He didn't care how cliche it was, he wanted a candlelit dinner.
It was about three months into their relationship that Key's parents went out of town. It was that weekend that Key wanted to take his and Jonghyun's relationship to the next level. Up to that weekend, they had only kissed and had done some soft petting, and Key wanted to progress it a little bit more. They planned to hang out, and Key busied himself getting everything ready in his room.
He double checked his nightstand, where he had put some lube (which he had discovered was very useful after reading about gay relations online) and a couple of condoms, just in case. After he was absolutely sure that everything was as perfect as it could be, he sat on his bed, and waited for Jonghyun to arrive. Key had butterflies in his stomach as he waited. He wondered if Jonghyun would even be ready to take the next step. He ran his hand through his hair until it was ruffled, but then he fixed it so that it was perfect again. The teen took in deep breaths to calm himself, and then checked his phone to see of Jonghyun had sent him a message. There was nothing waiting for him.
Almost a hour later, Key's doorbell rang. His heart leapt up to his throat and raced down the stairs, and swung the door open, and was greeted with the face that he loved so much. "Hey," Jonghyun said with a large grin, and then he was dragged into the house by Key, and was given one of the most passionate kisses that he had ever received. When they pulled apart, both boys had pink tinted cheeks and were breathless. "That was... Amazing." Jonghyun whispered, and kissed Key again.
A simple touch of a tongue to Key's lips, and suddenly their tongues were battling for dominance. (Not that Key put up much of a fight, he was more than willing to give himself over completely to the man who held the key to his heart - hence his new nickname.) The door was slammed shut, and Jonghyun pushed Key against the door as his hands roamed the younger's body. Key's hands tangled into Jonghyun's raven hair, and he let it a soft cry at the rough treatment, but a part of him liked it, as Jonghyun noted with a chuckle.
"Is this what the whole weekend is going to be?" He asked breathlessly. "You teasing me like a little incubus?" Deep brown eyes met softer brown eyes, but both could see the lust and the love within the orbs, and Key shook his head. "T-there..." (Key hated when his mind was racing so fast that he stuttered, so he took another deep breath to calm himself before continuing.) "there are other plans, if you're so willing." He smirked, and his hand rubbed on one of Jonghyun's sensitive spots, causing the other to let out a soft growl.
He smashed his lips against the older's own, and the kiss was fierce, their teeth clashed against each other, and lips were caught in the crossfire, but they only pressed closer. Key's hands were all over Jonghyun's body, and Jonghyun's hands were holding Key tightly to his body, and the one lowest down grabbed Key's ass, causing the younger boy to let out a moan that was like music to the elder's ears. The raven felt his member begin to stiffen as Key wiggled against him, causing sweet but minimal friction.
He let it another growl as he rolled his hips harshly against Key's, and both of the boys let out a heavy moan at the feeling. Key's hands clawed at Jonghyun's back and tried desperately to get his shirt off. His eyes were clouded over with lust and need, and he mewled as he rolled his hips against Jonghyun's again. He tugged at the shirt again, and Jonghyun finally caught on. He stepped back, causing Key to whine at the loss of the hard and warm body against his own, but he was silenced as Jonghyun's shirt was unceremoniously dropped to the ground.
And even though he had seen his bare chest so many times before, his breath was still stolen by Jonghyun's wonderfully sculpted chest. He reached out and trailed his hand down the smooth skin, and Jonghyun shivered under his butterfly touch. His own hands reached out, and began to unbutton Key's own shirt. As soon as that was on the floor, their flames of passion overtook them again, and they were on each other like a starving man on food.
Hands touched every accessible part of the other's body, and there were grunts, gasps, and moans falling from parted pairs of lips when they weren't melded together. Key couldn't even remember where he ended and Jonghyun began anymore. Their bare chests rubbed against each other, and Jonghyun's skilled fingers trailed up in the tight space between them and then slowly rubbed his finger over one of Key's nipples. His jaw slackened as a strange sound (it seemed like it was a strange mixture between a moan and a gasp) and he replied with a very forceful roll of his hips.
"Goddamnit Jonghyun!" He growled, and shoved his hand into the elder's pants and grabbed his semi-hard member. "Stop teasing." He began to rub the sensitive organ, causing the raven to let out a moan, and his arms shook a little. His dark eyes flashed, and he unbuttoned his pants and slid them down, and met Key's warm brown eyes. Key shivered at the lustful glint in his boyfriend's eyes, and felt his own penis begin to stiffen at the gaze.
"Fine. Get on your knees and suck me." The raven told Key, and tangled his hand into the younger's hair and forcefully tugged back on it. Key let out a small moan, and then dropped to his knees. His hands, which were steadier than his thoughts seemed to be, reached out and hooked his fingers on the waistband of Jonghyun's boxers. He took a breath and pulled them down, his eyes focused on the piece of anatomy that made his stomach flip in the most pleasant way.
Key would have been lying if he said that he was nervous while face to face with Jonghyun's very male organ. He knew that he wasn't experienced with giving oral, in fact, he wasn't experienced at all when it came to sex. Jonghyun was his first boyfriend, he was actually the first person that Key had ever dated, and Key was worried that he wouldn't perform well and Jonghyun would leave him. His moment of pause was all it took before he steeled himself, and wrapped his hand around the base of the stiff organ.
Slowly, almost hesitantly, he leaned forward and kissed the tip. When this drew an appreciative moan from the man above him, his courage rose a little bit, and he opened his mouth enough to take the tip of it into his mouth. He wrapped his tongue around the mushroom head, and sucked a little bit. Jonghyun let out a loud moan at this action, and his hand tightened in Key's hair, and he tried to shift his hips forward. Key's hands grabbed his hips to keep him where he was. Before continuing though, he relieved himself of his pants and undergarments, and he took a moment to fully appreciate the older male's build.
Then he went back to sucking off the elder, his motions growing swifter as the sounds falling from Jonghyun's mouth drove him forward. His eyes looked up, and were met with a glorious sight. Jonghyun has his head thrown back, his hair was messy from Key's earlier actions, and his cheeks were flushed a rosy pink. He moaned, and Jonghyun gasped at the feeling. The younger boy took this as a good sign, and repeated the humming, and his eyes never left Jonghyun's face. The older male let out a hiss, and dark brown eyes looked down at Key.
"Let me thrust..." He practically begged, his hips flexing under Key's grip. Key pulled away from Jonghyun's dick with an audible pop, and he bit his lip nervously. "Well... If we go up to my room..." He trailed off, but Jonghyun's eyes widened in shock. This caused Key to blush and look away, almost afraid that the elder boy would lecture him on not moving their relationship too far too fast. He was pulled up off the ground suddenly, and thrown over Jonghyun's shoulder.
He let out a small shriek, and gripped Jonghyun's shoulders as they moved. The younger was about to open his mouth to protest when he felt something, he assumed a finger, prodding at his most intimate place. A small thrill went through his body, and he shut his mouth, submitting to whatever Jonghyun wanted to do. But all the elder did as he carried Key up the stairs was rub the pucker, much to Key's relief and annoyance.
When the reached the room and the door was shut behind them, Jonghyun threw the boy onto the bed and climbed on top of him. Key's heart raced as the older male slid between his legs, and even though he spread them, his heart threatened to throw itself out of his chest. Jonghyun's eyes met Key's and the younger could clearly see the lust, the want, the need, and the love in the orbs. Their lips met, and their arousals rubbed together when Jonghyun leisurely rolled his hips. It was in that moment that things seemed absolutely perfect.
And then the finger was back, pushing lightly at the rim, and Key shivered at the feeling. "Key... If you want me to sto-" Key put his hand over Jonghyun's mouth and shook his head. They had not come this far, gotten this hard, just to stop now. Key's lower lip caught between his teeth as he tried to find a way to put his thoughts into words. His eyes darted every which way, but they finally met Jonghyun's once more. He always seemed to relax when he was able to look into the older boy's eyes.
"I want..." He paused, his cheeks turning a rosy hue that spread to his ears. He didn't know how to phrase it. Saying 'sex' just made things seemed dirtier, and even though that was what the act itself was called, Key couldn't bring himself to say the word. 'Making love' might be too intimate, though, so he stayed away from that one as well. He knew he could always use the dirty talk that seemed to get Jonghyun all hot and bothered, but he wanted their first time to be passionate and loving, not just hard and fast. (Not that he would have minded, seeing as he liked the pleasure and pain sensations he got when Jonghyun was rough sometimes.)
"I want you inside of me..." He finished softly, finding a medium between the different ways he could have said that, and his cheeks darkened a little. He would admit that he was nervous about Jonghyun's response. Key's hand drifted towards the nightstand where he had the bottle of lube, but he made no move to open it quite yet, still awaiting his boyfriend's response. And it had his nerves on end because the raven was being so silent. Here they were on a bed, completely naked and hard, and Jonghyun was being so silent that it scared Key to think of what must be going on inside the elder's head.
"Well, it would be kind of awkward if you didn't want too, seeing as how you invited me up here and everything." Came the amused reply a moment later, and Key's tense muscles sagged in relief. Jonghyun was okay with this, and that brought so much relief and excitement, and a whole new batch of anxiety, to Key's mind and body. He slid open the drawer and pulled out the lube and a condom, and his blush intensified when the raven's piercing gaze landed on the two items.
The finger still at Key's entrance twitched, and the brunette let out a soft sound that had Jonghyun rubbing at the pucker. Key's lip was once again trapped between his teeth as his hips slid backwards, and he couldn't deny that his body was willing to beg for Jonghyun to be inside of him. The little tube of lube was pushed into the raven's free hand, and he looked at it for a moment before opening it and smearing it all over his fingers. "This stuff is so strange..." He said, and rubbed the fingers together, apparently amused.
"Maybe so, but it helps with... Stuff." Key said, and his eyes focused solely on those fingers. If the elder didn't hurry up and start preparing him, he might just have to go take care of himself. The brunette was so close to just straight up begging to have his boyfriend inside of him. He grit his teeth, and watched as Jonghyun continued rubbing the fingers together. He let out an impatient sigh, and slumped backwards onto the bed.
"Key, do we absolutely have to use a condom?" Jonghyun asked, and Key choked on the breath of air that he had just inhaled. He sat up swiftly, his head almost colliding with Jonghyun's, but missing it by an inch or so. Jonghyun fell backwards, shocked at Key's sudden movement. "Hey, if its that big of a deal, just tell me." He said, and Key just furiously shook his head, and tackled the elder.
"I like the thought of feeling just you inside of me... We don't need a condom." He said, and took Jonghyun's hand that had lube on it, and pressed one of the fingers to the ring of muscles. "Please... I want you inside of me so badly..." Key moaned, deciding that the elder was taking it too slow, so he rubbed on of the slick fingers against his entrance. "Jonghyun..." He moaned as he felt the elder finally slip in a finger.
It was a strange feeling, having something moving around inside him, but he didn't dislike it. Key pushed back against the finger, and let out a sigh of relief as the raven sped up the finger. Even when a second digit was added, Key didn't feel too much pain, only a sensation of being stretched that felt right in all the ways that mattered to him now. He moved against those fingers, hoping to find his pleasure spot, just like what he had read online.
He didn't find it even when Jonghyun added a third and final finger and began to really stretch him. By this time, Key was moaning lewdly, and was riding the elder's fingers, and he knew that he was ready to finally be connected with his lover. With slight hesitance, Key pulled away from the hand, and grabbed the tube of lube, and poured some into his own hand. He rubbed it in between his palms for a moment to warm it up, and then began to coat the other's manhood with the slippery gel.
When the raven was sufficiently lubed up, he flipped Key onto his back, and once more settled between the younger's slender thighs. As Key felt Jonghyun's cock pressing against his entrance, he threw his arms around the raven's neck and kissed him had on the lips, but then slid up to Jonghyun's ear. "Take me hard and passionate and make me yours." He whispered, and felt a shudder go through the elder's body.
With a harsh snap of his hips, Jonghyun was fully seated in Key's body, and the younger cried out at the pain that filled his lower body. He had known that three fingers wasn't the same as having the cock inside of him, but this was most definitely more painful than he expected. It didn't help that Jonghyun didn't give him a chance to adjust either, and roughly continued to thrust into Key's body. "J-Jonghyun..." Key whimpered as the harsh motions kept repeating. His only response was for the elder to tangle his hand into Key's hair and pull his hand back so hard that Key's neck popped.
"Shut up, you fuckin' slut." Slipped from Jonghyun's lips, and Key's heart froze in his chest, not at all recognizing the tone that Jonghyun was using. He pushed against Jonghyun's chest, but a harsh blow to his cheek had his hands falling limply to his sides. Warm brown eyes met cold deep brown, almost black, eyes, and Key couldn't fathom what had changed in his boyfriend so quick. Jonghyun's lips, which had kissed him so wonderfully earlier, turned up into a sneer, and the hand in Key's hair pulled on it roughly again. "You like that, slut? Me being rough with you? Is that why you begged for my cock? Just so that I could beat you?"
"Jonghyun!" Key cried, his back arching in pain as a particularly hard thrust hit a sensitive spot within him. Tears formed in his eyes, and he tried once more to push the raven off of him, but once again, all his efforts got him was another blow to the face. He let out a small sob, and tried to pull himself away from the elder, but to no avail. And in his desperate need to get away from the pain, his body began to flail. He grabbed the thing closest to him and heaviest, which happened to be his alarm clock, and slammed it against Jonghyun's face, efficiently knocking the older male off of him.
Key was able to pull away, although he winced at the pain that he felt slide up his back, and when he saw bloodstains on the bed, he choked out another sob, the tears dripping down his cheeks. He grabbed the edge of the blanket and pulled it up and around his body. And for some reason, he couldn't fathom why he was shaking so hard. Jonghyun grunted, and sat up, and his black eyes focused on Key. His eyes remained dark, and his expression was one of disgust and shame.
"God, I'm glad that's over, you homosexual freak. At least I won the bet." He said, and lounged back on Key's bed. The brunette stared at the sheets, his watery eyes glassy and unfocused. "The bet?" He echoed numbly, and the shaking became progressively harder as the information sunk into his brain. A whole new set of tears began to roll down his cheeks, and he looked in Jonghyun's general direction. "What bet?" He asked softly, and in all honesty, he didn't want to know the answer, but he had asked, so he was prepared to listen.
"The other dudes I hang out with noticed how you changed yourself to look like the girls I dated. They told me about it, and that's when I noticed it as well, and I also saw the way you looked at me when you though I wouldn't notice. So the guys and I came up with a little bet, you see? The whole bet was to see if I could get you into bed with me." At this Jonghyun shuddered, and he rolled onto his side, facing away from Key, but the shaking in his body didn't stop. "And I did. So I won the bet."
Key was silent, aside from the occasional sob that left his lips, and he grabbed a pillow that he hugged tightly to him. "I see." He managed to say. "I was nothing more than a thing you had to deal with to win a bet..." He was quiet for a moment again. "I'm sorry that you had to bring yourself down to such disgusting levels to deal with a homo like me." At this, Jonghyun's body sagged, and the shaking intensified. But at this point, Key was blinded by his tears, and didn't notice.
"Just leave... I... I..." He couldn't finish the sentence. No matter how much he wanted to tell Jonghyun that he never wanted to see him again, he couldn't get the words to leave his lips. The raven sat up, and his shoulders slumped, and after a minute, he slid to the edge of the bed and stood up. He stood with his back facing Key for a moment, before he turned around slowly, his eyes looking at Key, who wouldn't even look at him.
"... For what it's worth... You were the best friend any guy could ask for..." He bit his lip, and his eyes dropped to the ground, effectively masking any emotion that could have been seen there. "You'll make an amazing boyfriend to someone..." With this, Jonghyun left. As soon as he was out of the room, Key lost it. The tight reign that he had over his body snapped, and he screamed into the pillow as the steady stream of tears became a torrent that soaked the pillow that he was holding so tightly.
It felt like he couldn't breathe. The agony that felt within his chest was strangling him, and the sobbing stole what little breath he had away. He gasped for air repeatedly, but he couldn't get enough of the oxygen, and he wondered if this was what people felt like when they were drowning. Only, if this was what drowning felt like, then he must be drowning in the agony of heartbreak, which he knew sounded stupid. But there had always been the saying that people died of a broken heart.
But as much as it hurt now, Key was too level-headed to let himself die just because Jonghyun had used him. As much as he wanted to reach into his chest and rip his heart out to escape the horrible pain, he wouldn't let himself. This pain, and his memories, were all he would have left of Jonghyun, and as much as the thought of relating pain with Jonghyun sickened him, he knew that this would be his reality... Because Jonghyun had never really loved him.
How he had so blatantly misread the looks that Jonghyun had given him would forever haunt Key, and he knew it. He had been so sure that they had been in love, things had never felt so right between them. But now, Key supposed that it had only been on his part, and he had been so eager to have the raven close to him, that he had mistaken the looks exchanged between them. It was because he had been deluded... He had been so enamored by the idea of having his happy ending that he had ignored everything else.
He thought back to when Jonghyun had confessed to him, and he analyzed the memory from very angle, trying to find any point where the older boy had seemed uncomfortable or disgusted. But as much as he tried, everything that had happened on that day seemed so sincere and real. Key slid down on the bed, his body curling into a tight ball as the sobbing continued. How could he have been so wrong? How could Jonghyun have acted so sincerely when he truly hated Key for loving him?
That night, Key fell asleep with tears still dripping down his cheeks. He was so exhausted, mainly mentally, and even when he was asleep, the events from earlier still sent his dreams reeling, his thoughts confused and distraught. In his dreams, he was tormented by Jonghyun's face, the affection that he had thought he had seen in the other's eyes, and the way Jonghyun had spoken when he had told Key that he loved him. And then it was replaced by the disgusted look in the raven's eyes, and the casual way he had told Key about the bet.
Even in his dreams, Key couldn't pinpoint a moment in time where Jonghyun had seemed uneasy or disgusted by their relationship. He had always seemed perfectly happy and in love, and this ripped at Key's heart even more. Even in his sleep, a steady stream of tears cascaded down his cheeks. Everything just seemed wrong now, and his heart kept throbbing, and that pain passed down to every corner of his body. As his mind began to drift into consciousness, he wondered why it was called heartbreak when every part of his body was feeling the agony his heart was.
- Jonghyun and Key: All Those Little Memories -
That Monday, Key had to drag himself out of bed to get ready for school. His eyes were red and puffy and they were sore from crying so much. All he wanted at this point was to go back to bed and sleep, but he knew that most likely, he would just spend the day crying over the loss of Jonghyun, and he was tired of crying. So he forced himself to get up and go shower and get ready. By the time he was ready to go, he felt a little bit better, even though he was dreading seeing Jonghyun again, knowing that they shared multiple classes.
He drove himself to school, and parked in his usual spot, but didn't get out right away. He sat and stared blankly at the steering wheel, and he stayed that way until he heard the warning bell ring. That was when he got out, and rushed to his first class. He got there before the late bell, and during the whole class, he tried to focus on what was being taught, but he was stressing out about the next period, because he would see Jonghyun once again. Anxiety and agony had him shaking in his seat, and he wished and wished for this day to just be over.
First period didn't last long enough for him, and all too quickly, he was on his way to his second period. He sat in his usual seat, and stared at his desk, his mind panicking and his breathing coming fast. When the seat in front of him squeaked, his fists clenched, and he refused to look up, knowing exactly who was in front of him. It was such a dramatic change from the week before that Key almost started crying again, but he refused to let himself show how heartbroken he was, so he pretended to be fine.
He looked up, his eyes masked with calmness, and his face devoid of any emotion. He looked ahead of him with a coldness that was abnormal for him, and refused to look at Jonghyun, no matter what. Key knew that he would break when he saw how calm and fine Jonghyun was, so he refused to even spare the elder a glance. In his peripheral vision, he saw movement, but he chose to ignore it, instead, he began taking notes that were up on the board. Things were silent as the class went on, and for that, Key was almost grateful.
Surprisingly, the class went by fast, and as everyone was packing up to leave, Key was startled by a hand landing gently on his own. He snatched his hand away quickly, and put his stuff away faster. There was a pause from Jonghyun, but then a heavy sigh was heard, and the raven stood, and began to walk to the front of the room. It was only then that Key allowed himself to look up. He watched Jonghyun walk away, and it felt as if his heart was leaving with him. He closed his eyes, and tried to find his resolve, but it felt almost impossible. He wanted nothing more than to be close to the man he loved so much, but he now knew that it would be impossible.
The rest of the day passed like that, and every time Key had to watch Jonghyun walk away, he was on the verge of breaking, but he managed every time to keep himself from doing so. When he got home, he collapsed in the entry way, and just curled up on the ground, not even caring anymore as his tears once again fell. He was so sick of crying, but now it seemed like the only way to release the pent up emotions of agony, betrayal, sadness, guilt, and heartbreak out. He clenched his fists and covered his eyes as he sobbed harder, and he lost track of how long he had been there.
When his tears ran out, that was when he realized just how hungry he was, considering that he hadn't been able to eat the whole day, seeing as every time he was in the same room as Jonghyun, the only thing he could focus on was not losing his composure. He pushed himself off the floor, and stumbled into the kitchen. He looked in the pantry for something to eat, and when he couldn't find anything that sounded good by itself, he resorted to the fridge. He found some leftovers, and heated them up. As he was turning to go to the table, the kitchen knives caught his attention.
He stopped, his usually warm brown eyes frozen solid as he stared at the gleaming silver of the knives. He had always heard of people cutting themselves to release the emotional and mental pain, and he had always thought that it was stupid. But now, standing there with those knives in full access, he couldn't help but wonder of people truly could release inner pain with physical pain. Key took a step towards them, and set his bowl on the counter, and began to reach out, but then stopped abruptly, and stared at his own hand. There was no way he was serious. He would never do something as stupid as to mar his own skin just because he was sad.
He scooped his bowl back up and turned away from the knives, vowing that he would be stronger than to cut himself. He settled down at the kitchen table and ate his food quickly, and then fled upstairs into his room. His eyes locked on the bed, and he knew that he needed to clean his sheets before his parents came home and saw the bloodstains. With a heavy sigh tinged with bitterness, Key ripped the sheets off of the bed and went to start a load of laundry. Only a few minutes after he had stuffed the sheets into the washer, his parents arrived home, and he had never been more grateful to have them here.
The rest of the night, he stayed with his family, glad that they were able to take his thoughts away from Jonghyun, even if it was only for a few hours. But once again, as soon as he was by himself, he was burdened and assaulted by thoughts of the older male. They had been best friends for so long that Key felt like he had lost a limb, and knowing that they would never be able to be like they were made him sick to his stomach.
Key sank onto his bed, and as his eyes drifted closed, once more, Jonghyun's disgusted look was behind his eyelids. His gut twisted and pain sliced through his body, because he knew all too well that it was his sick love that had caused Jonghyun to look like that. Bile rose in his throat at the thought, and he choked it back, his hands gripping either side of his head. He hated himself for that. Hated himself for loving Jonghyun, hated himself for mistaking Jonghyun's looks, hated himself just because he didn't like girls like he was supposed to.
He wrapped himself up in his blankets, pretending that they were some sort of cocoon that would magically make him normal when the sun rose. He knew that it wouldn't happen, but he also knew that if he was normal, he and Jonghyun might still be friends. But even though these thoughts spiraled through his head, he couldn't bring himself to regret loving his bestfriend. Sure, he hated himself for loving another male, but he didn't regret that it was Jonghyun. He shook his head, trying to push the restless thoughts from his mind, and tried to slip into what he hoped would be a dreamless sleep.
- Jonghyun and Key: All Those Little Memories -
Kim Kibum was eighteen when he and Jonghyun spoke again. It had been months since their breakup, and even though Key had hit some rough patches and lost a lot of weight, he had managed to pull through. He knew he was nowhere near being fully over the raven, though, and he would openly admit that he was still in love with Jonghyun. His heart no longer felt like it was being stabbed when he looked at Jonghyun, although he still felt the agony and bitterness of betrayal. And although they didn't speak, the canyon that had been it between them by the older male didn't seem as wide anymore.
Now, graduation was right around the corner, and Key couldn't wait to start his life. He already knew which college he would be attending in the fall, and he already knew what major he would be working towards. All the seniors were making last-minute preparations for the biggest even of their high school career, and everyone could feel the excitement. Key felt like nothing could bring him down, and he walked around like he had gold mines under his feet. So of course, he never saw it coming when he turned the corner only to be dragged into the bathroom.
The door was locked behind him, and he grabbed the counter, shocked at how he had been brought into the bathroom. He whirled around, ready to fight his abductor, but was once again shocked to see Jonghyun standing in the entrance, looking at him. The silence wrapped around them, and it became almost suffocating. Key was no fool, he had known Jonghyun for too long to wonder why he had been brought in here. He could tell by the look on the other male's face that he had something to say. Now, it was only a matter of waiting for the elder to speak, and so Key leaned against the sink, and folded his arms in front of him.
"Well?" Key asked, his voice kept soft, but there was a distinct edge to his word. "What do you want?" Jonghyun looked up, and Key was taken back by the haunted look in the raven's eyes. The look was one of someone who had a heavy burden, and no teenager should ever look like that. But here Jonghyun was, looking tired and sickly... And broken. Key instinctively moved forward, his hand reaching out and landing on Jonghyun's face softly. He knew that he still loved Jonghyun, even after the betrayal, and now, seeing him like this, it worried Key, and the fact that Jonghyun didn't flinch away from his touch only proved that something was very wrong.
In fact, the raven tilted his face into Key's touch, and his own hands came up to cradle the hand. Key took a deep breath, and let it out slowly, trying to steel himself against whatever might happen next. He slowly tried to pull away, taking a step back as his eyes met the floor once again. He couldn't even look at Jonghyun without hearing the cold words spoken to him the last time they had been together. And it hurt! It hurt almost as much as right now, being so close to the man he loved, and not being able to touch him like he wanted to.
"You... Should let go of my hand... I don't want to disgust you any more than I already do." He whispered, and tugged his hand away. And slowly, he looked back up, trying to be brave. The look on Jonghyun's face made him want to put it back though. It scared him to see the raven looking so broken, and he couldn't fathom why the older boy looked like this. What scared Key even worse was that he hadn't noticed, he had put that much energy into not looking at Jonghyun that he hadn't noticed. Their eyes met, and it was obvious that there were tears in Jonghyun's eyes.
"Key..." He whispered, and so many emotions could be heard within his name that it rocked Key to his very core. He stood absolutely still, his eyes locked onto Jonghyun's. The older boy's hands moved and cupped Key's face, and he tilted his head forward, resting his forehead against Key's. and at this, Key couldn't even look at Jonghyun any more. It was too painful to be this close to the man he loved, and to see that man so shattered. He couldn't do it, and no matter how strong he acted, seeing someone he loved so dearly hurting so bad, he couldn't stomach it.
"... What bet do you have this time?" He asked softly, feeling his eyes and throat burn as his emotions began to surface as well. "Is it to make the homosexual freak fall back in love with you? Well, you can scurry on back to your pals and tell them that you win that bet to." He pulled away from Jonghyun, and turned his back to the male, and wrapped his arms around himself. "Get yourself a good pat on the back, and leave me the hell alone." Key said, his voice still soft.
The only response he got was silence, and he almost wondered if Jonghyun had left, but then he remembered that the elder had locked the door behind them, and Key would have heard it had the lock been undone. He trembled, his emotions trying to calm themselves, but all he knew was that he wanted to be anywhere but in the room with Jonghyun. He felt a hand fall gently on his back, and he whirled around, slapping it away.
Jonghyun stared at Key, and once more, the emotions on the raven's face both confused and upset Key. He opened his mouth, and then closed it again. His eyes clouded, and his head dropped. He looked absolutely defeated, and Key was beyond confused. Why had Jonghyun brought him into the bathroom? He backed up a little more, his eyes wary.
"Will... Will you listen to me this one time?" The words startled him a little bit, and Key bit his lip, contemplating his response. "Look, I know I'm probably the last person you want to talk to, but please, hear me out..." He was begging, and that alone was what made Key's decision. If Jonghyun could swallow his pride and beg for Key to listen to him, the he would. He gave the older male a sharp nod, and Jonghyun let out a huge sigh. He straightened, and held his chin up, trying to look confident, but Key easily saw the nervousness.
"I want you to know the whole story... Not that piece of shit lie I gave you... Oh god, that's haunted me so much. I should have told you the truth, but instead I lied because of the coward I am... And now... You believe that I hate you because you're a homo... And that isn't true! I don't hate you at all, I never have, and I never will... I love you so much, so much that I couldn't stand letting you believe a lie any more..." Jonghyun looked directly at Key, and Key finally recognized the shattered look in the older male's eyes. It was the same look that Key himself had seen in the mirror every day for the first few months.
"I hated myself for what I said to you... How I treated you... I wanted to die every time I saw you... I pushed away the one person who loved me." The elder bit his lip, and walked forward, pulling Key into his arms. "You... You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you, and I hate that I made you believe any differently... Everything that I told you on the day I confessed was true."
He paused, and Key could feel each sob that pulled itself from Jonghyun's throat. His heart writhed in agony and confusion in his chest, and his mind was so conflicted that he just stood there. His arms, which wanted nothing more than to wrap around Jonghyun's body and hold it against his own, dangled lifelessly at his sides. He wanted so badly for everything Jonghyun was saying to be true, but he knew that it couldn't be. If it was, the raven haired male never would have acted the way he had.
"Oh god Key, my parents found out about us... They read through my texts and threatened to disown me if I didn't end it with you... I was so scared, and so I did the cruelest thing I could... I tried so hard to make you hate me, to push you away... I wanted so much to make love to you that day, but I ruined it..." He pulled away, and wiped his face with the back of his hand. "I hated it so much, saying those horrible things to you, but it was he only way I knew how to fully push you away."
Key stood frozen, his whole body was pure diamond, hard and unmoving. His shell-shocked mind tried desperately to catch up with Jonghyun's words, but all he could hear was silence. It was as if his mind blocked out everything the raven said and replaced it with a deafening silence. His eyes closed, and he took a deep breath in, and let himself hear the other. His fists clenched harder, and he looked up at Jonghyun, his gaze furious.
"I would have let you live with me, you know." He spat, and he felt an unsettling sense of victory as the older male flinched back. And for some unfathomable reason, this also made him ever more furious. "You are such a fucking coward! If only you had talked to me about it instead of acting like a pussy, we might have found a way out of that mess!" He grit his teeth as his own tears dropped down his face. "I love you with all of my heart Jonghyun. Even after everything, after all the agony and tears, I still love you."
Hope flashed in Jonghyun's eyes, and a tentative smile landed on his lips. Key held out his hand, halting the other's thoughts, or any other actions. "I wish that you telling me this would make everything okay... But it won't. I don't know what you were trying to do, telling me all of this now... For all I know, you could still be lying. You did pretty damn well last time... And look, I may still love you, but I can't be with you... The trust that was broken that day won't be fixed anytime soon..." He whispered, and Jonghyun's shoulders slumped once more.
"I understand... I guess that... I did hope that we could be together again... But I understand that... The chances of that are nonexistent..." He seemed resigned, and Key brought his hand up and cupped Jonghyun's face. Key searched his eyes, wishing that he could take all of Jonghyun's pain away, wishing he could just erase himself from the raven's mind so that he could live a happy life. Key leaned his head forward, and kissed Jonghyun once more on the lips. In that moment, his heart wanted to reach out and latch onto Jonghyun again, but Key pulled away, and bit his lip.
"Goodbye... Jonghyun..." He whispered. "I really, honestly love you..." And with that, he ran to the door, unlocked it, and fled before his torrent of tears managed to be seen by anyone. When he reached an empty hallway, he slammed his fist against a locker. He slammed it repeatedly until his hand hurt too much to continue. Key slid down against it, sobbing quietly as the pain ripped through his chest like it had never left. The brunette curled up into a ball, trying to hold his sobbing and emotions inside, but his heart ached so much that he hurt physically. He felt like the only way to escape the pain was to die.
- Jonghyun and Key: All Those Little Memories -
Kim Kibum was eighteen when he had his heart ripped out again. He had always hoped somewhere in the back of his mind that he and Jonghyun would be able to be together once more after the trust was built back up. But he felt his already tattered heart rip a little more when Jonghyun refused to even acknowledge him any more.
He knew that this time, it was all his fault. Jonghyun had reached out, and Key had bit him. The brunette choked back the lump in his throat as he tried to swallow that reality. He and Jonghyun were never going to be, and the sooner he got that through his thick skull, the sooner he could move on. But it was just so hard, seeing the love of his life every day, being able to reach out and touch him, but having to withhold because he knew that they couldn't be together. An it was all because of him.
He slumped back in his chair, staring at the back of Jonghyun's head. His raven black hair, which Key knew was as soft as it looked, seemed duller than usual, but Key just assumed that it was the lighting. He subconsciously reached forward, but stopped himself mere centimeters from the raven's hair. What was he doing? He swiftly pulled his hand back, and did a discreet glance around to see if anyone was watching. When no one stood up and yelled at him, he let out a sigh of relief, and went back to his work.
That Friday, he was shocked when Jonghyun turned around in his chair and faced Key. The brunette sucked in a breath as he took in the weariness and sadness in Jonghyun's face. There were deep bags under the elder's eyes, his lips were pale and chapped, and his hair was un-glossy and unkempt. Key reached out, again out of habit and concern mixed with lingering affection, and laid his hands on Jonghyun's cheeks. Dull black eyes met his own, and Key felt his heart sink.
"What have you been doing to yourself?" He whispered, his eyes searching the others for some explanation. Jonghyun tried to look away, but Key's grip on his face tightened and he forced the older male to look at him. "Answer me, Kim Jonghyun." He growled, his motherly instincts making him worry and fret over the raven as if they had never left each other. An overused lower lip was caught between two sets of white teeth before Jonghyun seemingly got the courage to speak.
"I love you Key... And it kills me so much that I do, and it's salt to the open wound that it was because of my stupid actions that I lost you... And I'm so tired of hating myself, for hating my parents, for blaming them... And I hate the fact that you are so in control of your emotions that this won't affect you at all!" He snapped, and shook his head violently. "I have to go... I can't stand this any more... I love you." With that, he stood, and left the room, leaving a stricken and silent Key sitting alone.
Monday came and passed without any trace of Jonghyun, and although he was absent, Key wasn't too horribly worried. Before, when the raven was stressed or upset about something, he would often skip school. But after almost two weeks of not seeing the raven, and with graduation a mere week away, Key really began to worry. So after debating very heatedly with himself, he decided to grow a pair, and go visit Jonghyun at his house and talk like the adults they were.
That afternoon, Key went straight to Jonghyun's house, and took a deep breath to calm himself before knocking. A few moments passed before Jonghyun's mother opened the door. Key gave the petite lady a small smile, but he was not expecting the hostility in her eyes. The look she gave him made him feel like he was a convicted murderer, not her son's (ex) best friend. He gulped, but before he could say anything, an envelope was shoved into his chest.
"Don't come back here again." She said, and then slammed the door in his face. He gripped the paper as he stood there, absolutely shocked and confused. He looked down at the crisp envelope, and when he saw Jonghyun's messy handwriting, he swallowed, and turned to leave. He wondered what the raven could have wrote to him about, but he went home first, and locked himself in his room before he had enough guts to open it.
"To my Beloved,
I was thinking the other day, and I was brought back to when I confessed to you. Do you remember what I told you? Well, I do... Here, I'll write it down, just to refresh your memory.
"They all remind me of you, Kim Kibum. They all have something in common with You. Maybe it's the way they look at me, or the way their hair blows just so in the wind, or even the way they say my name, but they look at me, and all I can see is you. I try so hard to have the right feelings, you know? The feelings that a boy is supposed to have for a girl. But no matter how hard I try to like a girl, I just can't. The only person my heart pulls me toward is you. I don't want the girls with the perfect figure, or hairstyle, or clothes. I want you, and god damn me for wanting you so bad."
I don't know about you, but when I was saying this to you, I felt like I was going to pass out. I was so nervous that you would reject me, that the looks that I had caught you giving me were not what I thought they were. I was so frightened that I would lose you over my feelings, which I had been raised to think were wrong. And when you just stood there looking so shocked and so damn kissable, I took a leap of courage, and I just had to taste your lips, even if it was just that once.
And I remember feeling my heart sink when you didn't respond to it, but then you did, and you were kissing me back, and I couldn't believe it. You damn near drove me crazy when you put my hand on your chest and told me that I was the cause of your heart racing so fast. It was so strange, yet so wonderful, to know that you wanted me in return... I had never been happier. I loved you so much that it was a physical pain, and just to know that you wanted me in the same way... It made me fall so much deeper in love with you.
And our first date was so simple, but yet held so much meaning. You have no idea how many times I had dreamed of us going out and sharing a banana smoothie and ice cream. I began to wonder if I was trapped in some sort of dream where I had everything I had ever wanted. And if it was a dream, I never wanted to wake up. Everything was wonderful.
Well, until the night that my parents found out about us. It happened so fast that I never saw it coming. About a week before you invited me to spend the night with you, my father burst into the room and dragged me downstairs. He was furious, and so was my mother. They demanded that I fix myself, and said that if I continued to date you, they would kick me out. Not only that, but they would take my name out of everything, their wills, the family bible, the family register. They refused to accept that they had a homo for a son.
I was so terrified and upset that I agreed. But I couldn't bear to tell you the truth, even though I knew I would have to. I played around with the idea of telling them that we had broken up and then continue to meet you in secret, but I didn't know how they had found out the first time, and I couldn't risk losing my family. And so, when it came time for me to spend the night at your house, I was resigned to the fact that I would have to tell you it was over...
But when you kissed me after yanking me in, I couldn't say the words. Like, I literally couldn't, seeing as my lips were busy kissing you. And things progressed, and I lost myself because you were doing such wonderful things to my body. When you suggested that we go up to you, my heart both swelled with love, but also sunk like cement to the bottom of my stomach. I lifted you up, and carried you to the room, teasing your entrance as my thoughts raced.
It wasn't until I had my fingers inside you that my horrible lie formed in my head. I knew how much it would kill you, but I thought it would be better for you to hate me, and so I went through with it. God, I have nightmares about how I made you cry out in pain as I was so rough and horrible to you... And then when I managed to calmly deliver my lie, and you started crying, I wanted to wrap you in my arms and tell you the truth, but I couldn't, because I was a coward.
I couldn't even look at you without wanting to kill myself for putting that look on your face, and the brokenness that was in your voice chilled me to the bone and was like a bullet tearing through my heart. I knew right then that I had succeeded in pushing you away, permanently. And as much as it killed me to walk out of the room and leave you, I forced myself to, knowing that I had hurt you much more than I was hurting, and I convinced myself that you would be better if I left.
I really am not a brave person. I can act like it. I can talk the talk and walk the walk, but when it came to facing my parents, my love for you wasn't strong enough for me to push them away. And it made me so angry that I couldn't. I spent every single day regretting that I hadn't just told you the truth. I knew that you would have understood and that we could have worked something out.
But I couldn't imagine things being that easy. I took the rough road that ended up not only destroying myself, but you as well. That was my biggest regret. I wish that I could take your pain and make you happy. I wish that I could be the one that would love you for the rest of your life.
And when we talked in the bathroom, I was at my crossroads. I was done living by my parents choices, but it had taken me that long to realize that losing you was not worth staying in the bible. I knew that if you would agree to, I would run away with you. But I was naive to think that you would take me back so easily. Of course you wouldn't trust me after what I did to you.
When we talked a while later, I lost it. It felt like I was the only one that cared. It was like laying down on daggers seeing how seemingly unaffected you were after our talk in the bathroom. I guess I just lost hope that you would ever take me back... And now there is no chance of us happening ever again.
After that, I went home. I couldn't stand acting like the perfect boy my parents wanted anymore. I had lost the one person who I cared for, and so I screamed at them, telling them right then and there that I was gay, and that you were the love of my life, even though I wasn't that way anymore to you...
Before they could respond, I went up to my room, and locked myself in there. I started writing this letter to you. And you know what, if you've received this, that means that I succeeded. And by now, you know what I'm going to do... God, I wish I could hold you in my arms one last time. Just know, Kim Kibum, you are the light of my life, and the only person who I've ever truly loved. If you never can bring yourself to forgive me, I'll understand. But no matter what, ill be waiting for you... Until we see each other again in the afterlife.
I love you so much, and farewell.
Key finished reading, his tears dripping down onto the paper, melding with the preexisting ones that were from Jonghyun. Sobs racked his body as he doubled over, his heart not able to hold up with the emotional onslaught that it was being put through. He clutched the letter o his chest as it heaved to try to draw into his lungs. He felt like he wanted to scream, to throw things, to cry until he drowned.
He had thought he knew what true agony was, but he had been wrong, so, so very wrong. He felt like his entire world had been wrenched out from beneath him, and every part of him felt like it was being stabbed with needles. He slammed his fist on the bed, repeating the emotion. The tears dripping down his cheeks began to soak the bed beneath him. He curled up into a tight ball, the paper crinkling as he clutched it tightly.
No. No. This had to be wrong. Jonghyun couldn't be dead. No. No. No. The chorus of No's echoed in his head like a sick joke. It wasn't possible; Jonghyun would never commit suicide. No. This had to be a dream. Key smacked the sides of his face, trying to wake up. When that didn't work, he pinched himself, wincing at the sharp pain. But still, he wouldn't accept that this could be real. He had to he dreaming.
Key gasped for breath, and dragged himself over to his cell phone, which was laying uselessly on his nightstand. He yanked it and dialed the number which was burned into his mind. The brunette knew that Jonghyun would answer his cell phone. He always did. "Sorry, but the number you have dialed has been disconnected–" Key hung his phone up, and tried again, only to receive the same message.
Wide eyes stared at the mobile device in his shaking hand before it clattered to the ground. A haunted wail filled the room, and Key wept as he accepted the reality that his best friend, the one person he loved, was dead. The heart wrenching sobbing continued for hours, until his parents arrived at home. He couldn't face them, not with how he was right now. He stifled his cries of agony over Jonghyun's loss, and pulled himself up onto his bed, then promptly curled up under his covers.
- Jonghyun and Key: All Those Little Memories -
"... But life goes on. Just because something tragic happens doesn't mean your life will end. Oh, but trust me, it will feel like the only way to escape is to die. Don't give into that part of yourself, no matter how appealing it may seem at the time! You have so much potential, so much life ahead of you! Don't let something so small, no matter how big it may seem at the time, let you even consider ending your life. Life goes on, and we have to accept that, even if it seems like the most painful thing to do."
With that, the brunette stepped back from the microphone. The auditorium was silent for a moment before a huge round of applause began. Kim Kibum looked around at all the youthful faces, proud to see that his speech had effected so many of them. This was what he loved doing. He loved traveling from school to school, giving speeches about how life went on, and suicide prevention. After many years of observing the students that he spoke to, he was able to figure out which ones needed help, and often, he would tell the principal just to check on that person. He was never wrong, and that encouraged many schools to call on him.
He gave the same speeches, but no matter how many times he gave the speeches, he himself still didn't truly believe in them. How could he, when he couldn't even save Jonghyun? He pushed the bitter thoughts away, and sat back down in his seat, waiting impatiently for the assembly to he over so he could point out the kids who he deemed to be in critical states, and then leave. He loved this job, but on this specific day, the wounds on his heart still throbbed painfully.
This was the day that Jonghyun had killed himself... And even though it had been twenty years since then, Kibum's heart still ached at the thought of his best friend. The assembly finished, and Kibum packed up his stuff, and gazed around the large auditorium, and he tried to imagine what his life would be like if Jonghyun's parents had never found out about them. He bit his lip, knowing that even if the thought never occurred to Jonghyun, the older raven's death was partially Key's fault as well.
And now, as much as Kibum preached to young teens the importance of life, he had plans to snuff out his own. He knew that it was foolish and selfish and idiotic, but he couldn't live without Jonghyun. Kibum finished the day, and then headed straight to his small apartment. He slumped against the door, letting out the sobs that had been building in his chest all day. His heart ached so badly for Jonghyun and he couldn't bare this pointless existence any longer.
He pushed himself up once more, and stumbled into his room, and over to his drawer, and opened it, revealing a shiny black gun case. His lower lip was caught between his teeth, and he wondered how disappointed Jonghyun would be in him. But the raven would be a hypocrite if he said anything. So with shaky hands, Kibum pulled the case out, and opened it. Without much preamble, he pulled the small handgun out, and looked at the cold metal in the dim lighting of the room.
It was so strange that something so small caused so many huge things. One pulled trigger could start, or end, a war. It could do so much damage... Kibum's brown eyes, which no longer shined with the life and hope from his earlier years, gazed at the gun. No matter how much he tried to bring himself to be sad about ending his life, he couldn't. The only thing his mind seemed to process was that he would be with Jonghyun soon, and that filled him with a joy that he hadn't felt in years.
He loaded the gun, and calmly pressed the nozzle against his temple. He took one last breath, and pulled the trigger.
- Jonghyun and Key: All Those Little Memories -
When he opened his eyes, he struggled to see clearly. His eyes were blurry, and he was startled when a small droplet of wet warmth dripped down his cheek. Key closed his eyes again, trying to push the pain away. A pair of soft lips kissed the tear away, and Key jumped in shock, and let out a whimper of pain again. "Key..." The soft way his name was said, and the distinct voice of who it came from made his eyes fly back open.
Leaning over him, a small, almost sheepish, grin on his lips, was none other than Jonghyun. Key's voice caught in his throat, and his hands reached up to tangle in the elder's raven black hair. He pulled the man down and kissed him hard, more tears dripping down his cheeks. When they grudgingly pulled away, Key was trembling, and Jonghyun seemed confused by the younger's desperate kiss. Black eyes sparkled with love and amusement, and Key's heart thudded painfully in his chest.
"Key... Are you alright?" Jonghyun asked, and then snorted. "Well, other than the obvious two things that are probably causing you pain..." He quirked an eyebrow, and Key bit his lip. The brunette put his hands on either side of Jonghyun's face, and willed himself not to break down and weep. He had to calm himself down enough to talk, but when he looked back up at the raven's face and opened his mouth to say something, only a small sound escaped his lips.
"You're confused, aren't you?" The black haired male said, and the small, almost embarrassed smile returned to his lips. Key nodded, wiping at his eyes. Jonghyun let out a small chuckle, and leaned down to kiss Key again, and the younger's heart swelled with love for this one man. "Key, we were about to finally have sex, but when I began to enter you, you threw your head back... Against the headboard. You knocked yourself out. If I wasn't so worried about your well-being, I would have laughed." He told the brunette.
Key took a deep breath, and then began to sob in earnest. Jonghyun jumped, alarmed at the sudden change in his lover. "Geez! I didn't mean to make you cry! I promise, I didn't actually laugh!" His words were soft, and Key felt the bed shift, and then he was being pulled against Jonghyun's strong body, and the brunette whimpered at the slight twinge of pain he got from his backside, but it didn't hurt as much as his head did.
"Shh. It's okay Key..." Jonghyun nuzzled the side of his face, and kissed away the tears the dripped down the younger's face. Key turned and wrapped his arms around the man's neck, and kissed him desperately again. The elder seemed confused and slightly worried about the brunette's erratic behavior, but kissed him back. His hands rubbed comforting but I distinct patterns up and down the brunette's sides and spine, and when they once again pulled away, he gazed into those soulful brown orbs.
"Key... What's up with you? Don't get me wrong, it's wonderful to kiss you and everything, but you have me worried..." The raven admitted, his eyes searching the younger boy's eyes. Key looked down, and took another deep breath to calm himself. When he felt like he was stable enough to speak without loosing his cool, his eyes flitted back up to meet Jonghyun's own confused ones.
"I... I guess I had a dream. It felt so real though. It started when you finished entering me... But you didn't stop and give me time to adjust..." Key went through and told Jonghyun the whole dream. (He couldn't believe that everything had only been a dream. It had felt so real.) By the time he was finished, he was sobbing again, both in relief and leftover agony from the dream, and even Jonghyun had shed a tear or two over his lover's recount of the dream.
"Key... I would never do that to you. I love you... And if my parents ever did find out... I would never let them rule my life. You are the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I'll be damned if I ever let you go." And with that, they were kissing again, and Jonghyun's hands rubbed over every sensitive spot on the brunette's body, forcing sweet moans to fall from his lips. Jonghyun latched onto Key's pulse point on his neck, and nipped and sucked on the spot until a large hickey had formed.
"Until the day you grow tired of me and leave, you are mine." The raven said, and Key shivered at the way the raven had growled 'mine', and the shivers of pleasure went straight down south. Key bit his lip as his arousal began to stir, and he tried to cross his legs, but the elder caught on and wasn't going to have any part of that. Strong hands pulled his legs gently apart, and spread them wide.
Key didn't care how much he loved Jonghyun, he blushed and covered his face in embarrassment. A low, dark chuckle reached his ears, and to his horror, his cock twitched at the sound, and the hands slid up from his knees to his sensitive inner thighs, and rubbed soft circles on the skin. "Key..." The way Jonghyun's voice wrapped around his lovingly given nickname made him shiver in delight. "Look at me. I want you to watch what I'm going to do to you."
At this, Key's breath hitched, and he looked down, shuddering in pleasure when Jonghyun'a smoldering black eyes were staring directly at his. As soon as the raven was sure that Key's eyes were focused on his, he slid down until his lips barely brushed against the sensitive skin of Key's inner thigh, and then kissed the spot gently. The brunette squirmed at the pleasurable tingles, and bit his lip fiercely between his teeth.
Jonghyun chuckled, and nipped lightly at the flesh, causing the brown eyed boy to jump and let out a small squeak. But their eyes didn't lose contact, and Key's heart sped up in his chest. "Key... Do you trust me?" The older boy asked, and without even a moment of hesitation, the brunette was nodding his head. Seemingly pleased with this answer, Jonghyun lowered his head and took the tip of Key's manhood into his mouth.
Needless to say, that was the best blow job that Key had her received. (Even if it was only the first time he had ever gotten one.) The raven scooted back up the bed, and pulled Key into his arms, and feathered kisses wherever he was able to. The brunette let out small giggles whenever Jonghyun hit a particularly sensitive spot, and before either really knew what was happening, they were passionately making out and rolling around on Key's bed.
"Finish what you start, Jonghyun." Key whispered sultrily as he nipped at Jonghyun's neck. The man groaned, and his hand slipped between Key's legs and made its way to the already stretched hole, and rubbed against it gently. Key sucked in a sharp breath, and his hips rolled down against the digit. "Please... Just take me. No protection, just you. Oh god, Jonghyun, please..." He tugged on the silky soft black hair, and a moment later, he heard the cap to the lube open, and he whimpered in anticipation.
"Are you sure?" The raven asked one last time, sliding between Key's legs and aligning his arousal against Key's most intimate of places. Key nodded, knowing that if he spoke, he would sound desperate. He rolled his hips down, his body conveying his true wants. The black eyed man gave the brunette a smile, and kissed his gently as he began to ease his way inside the body.
And oh, it hurt, but Key focused on the feel of Jonghyun's lips against his, and once the male was fully seated within his body, he let out a shaky breath. Soothing kisses were peppered generously all over his face, and once he felt like he was adjusted, Key rocked his hips against Jonghyun, and clutched at his back. A rhythm was set, and their bodies joined in a sensual dance that led them to completion.
In the afterglow, Key snuggled up to Jonghyun and kissed him gently. Thy leisurely kissed, and simply basked in the feeling of being with one another. When they pulled away, their eyes met, and the sheer emotion that filled their gazes was earth shattering for them.
"God, I love you." Jonghyun said, and Key's cheeks lit up in a blush, and he gave the older male a small smile. His mind flashed back to when he had first met the raven, and his heart fluttered.
"You and me, and all these little memories... These are what make me love you. Everything that you are, everything that you will be... I hope that you'll still be mine, and still share all these memories with me." Key whispered, and then his his face against Jonghyun' strong chest. It rumbled beneath him as Jonghyun chuckled, and he ran his hands through Key's soft hair.
"Forever and always. I'll stay with you until you demand that I leave." He promised.
"Forever. You'll stay with me forever, because I'll never tell you to leave."
"Sounds like a plan. I love you, Kibum. My Key."
"... I love you too, Jonghyun."