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If he were completely honest with himself, Guts would have to admit that there had been times when he wondered how elves reproduced (or pissed, for that matter). Puck's shamelessly displayed crotch was as bare and neuter as an egg. He wasn't about to ask, though, as he valued silence and didn't want to hear Puck's mindless chatter any more than he had to. And really, it was probably better if he didn't know.

Unfortunately, while Guts did not profess interest in how elves reproduced, Puck had far too much interest in how humans did it.

“Go away.” Guts sat on a log in a rather nice clearing, his sword plunged into the earth beside him; his breeches were undone and cock was bared. He had been hard, but with every high-pitched chirp that fell out of Puck's mouth he got a little limper. He didn't want to get up, his good hand was occupied, and Puck kept dancing out of convenient flicking range.

Guts had visited a prostitute once. He hadn't liked it all that much, mostly sitting there tense and uncomfortable as she sucked him off. He figured that it was cheaper and he could do it better if he just stuck to his own hand. He did remember what she had said when he had first unlaced his pants, even though she probably said the same thing to every john.

The words took on a whole new meaning when Puck said them. “It's so big.” The creature's little eyes bulged halfway out of his head.

“Shut up.” Guts swatted at Puck with his metal arm, but Puck had been practicing dodging Guts' attacks for too long and darted out of range with a stuck-out tongue and a neener-neener-neener.

“What are you doing?” Puck asked after Guts had given up trying to swat Puck and returned to his task.

“Nothing. Get lost.” If he closed his eyes, Guts could almost ignore Puck.

Guts felt a tap on his nose, and opened his eye to see the elf perched on his nose, looking him straight in the eye. “Does it feel good?”

Guts pinched the sides of Puck's head with a thumb and forefinger and hurled him backwards as far as he could, ignoring the elf's insect-like yell as he moved his hand back to his cock. After a few blessed moments, Guts was back to where he had been before Puck showed up.

He should have known better.

“Well, does it?” The small voice came from his right. Guts' good hand slapped air.

Something hit his cock right at the base, sending a jolt from his crotch right up his spine. Guts looked down.

“You fell for it!” Puck grinned. The elf had attached itself to Guts' member, arms and legs wrapped around it as Puck peered up at Guts from around one side. “I've been practicing ventriloquism.”

“You –” Guts was about to grab the stupid little thing and rip his wings off, but then Puck did something like – like a normal-sized person would shimmy up a tree, except this was Puck shimmying up Guts' cock. Fuck, it felt – good. Guts lowered his hand to the trunk. Maybe he could put off crushing Puck to a pulp for just a few moments.

“It's such a funny colour.” Puck clambered over the head and perched to sit on top, rocking back and forth a little on the slit. “And it's all wet and gooey up here. Eeew.”

Guts clenched his teeth, a soft grunt emerging from his throat.

Puck stood on the tip, turning in a circle a few times as he looked down at the edifice below him and again up at Guts' face. “You're acting real funny, you know that?”

Fuck. When Puck was doing that, it felt so good that even his inane blabber was completely blocked out. Guts' hips bucked, throwing Puck off his cock to tumble towards the forest floor.

“Whoa!” Puck remembered he had wings at the last moment, catching his balance in midair and zooming up to slap against Guts' cock just like he had the first time, legs and arms wrapped around it tightly.

“So what's this thing for?” Puck asked.

Guts glared down at the thing on his cock. “Just shut up and do what you did before.”

Puck shimmied up to the top again and sat down. “Do what again?” The elf swung his legs back and forth, his heels hitting the side of Guts' cock right under the head repeatedly.

Guts leaned his head back and closed his eye. “That.”

“Oh, I get it!” Puck jumped up and down in his seat, his tiny elf butt hitting the tip of Guts' cock with each bounce. “I remember hearing about this once. This is how humans make babies, right?”

“I'm not making any goddamned babies.” Guts' breath caught and his body tensed as he could feel himself getting closer to climax. This was one hell of a bizarre and fucked up wank session, but at that moment he didn't really care.

Puck bounded to his feet and started jumping up and down on the tip of Guts' cock. “Then tell meeee, tell me what this's for!”

Guts came, hard, the spray knocking Puck off his feet. The elf fell to the ground this time, the semen sticking to his wings and preventing him flying properly. “YUCK!” Puck rubbed his face with one hand, brought the hand to his mouth and licked the white substance experimentally. He made a face. “Salty.”

Guts wiped off the tip of his cock with his hand and laced up his pants before grabbing his sword. He didn't step on Puck as he went on his way – his way of saying thanks.

Guts had a blessed few hours of silence before Puck, who seemed to have found a stream to wash up in, managed to catch up. “What was that for, hey?!” The elf demanded.

“You, again.” Guts didn't even pause in his steps.

“WHAT. IS. IT. FOR?!” Puck demanded, hovering directly in front of Guts' face.

Guts picked up Puck by one wing and pulled the elf up close to his good eye. “Fucking.” Smirking, he flung the protesting elf somewhere off into the woods.