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Beware of Trolls

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It was all because Kono broke a strap on her sandal. She was in the parking lot, headed home -- well, by way of the beach then home, and she had a pair of flip flops in her office. She'd gone back upstairs, and since she hadn't been sure if anyone else was still around, she'd snuck in, not wanting someone to spot her and decide to play "Make the Rookie Do The Paperwork."

She was barefoot anyhow, due to the broken strap, so sneaking had been easy. Overhearing what she'd thought she'd overheard made her wonder -- well, a lot of things. But being on Five-0 had shown her that, if nothing else, things could always get weirder than she'd previously thought possible.

So she went to Chin. The only reason Chin didn't throw her out on her keister was because he'd known Kono her entire life, and there were a handful of times when he'd have sworn on his own grave that she was telling the absolute honest truth.

That time about the swim team captain and the math homework was definitely not one of them.

But this -- after she'd explained, all Chin had said was, "Well, it'll be easy enough to rig something so we can get proof."

And that was how, two weeks later, Chin and Kono called Steve into Chin's office one day when Danny had called in that morning to say he was taking a day off to be with Grace, who was on a school holiday.

Steve was, naturally, dubious.

"We've got video footage," Chin had said, and his serious, worried manner was what convinced Steve to sit down and not ask questions -- chief among which were "Are you two crazy?"

The other question was more of a warning about playing pranks on the man who was technically your boss. But Steve allowed that it wouldn't take long to indulge them and watch the footage.

Chin brought the footage up on all the computer monitors in the briefing room, and soon they were greeted with the sight of Danny, sitting at his desk, talking to himself. For a minute or two Steve listened to Danny rant to thin air about how paperwork in Hawai'i was a thousand times worse than in Jersey, and how he was mystified as to just how that could be the case.

Kono leaned down and whispered, "It's because we blow more stuff up."

Chin glared at her to hush -- or possibly to stop being one of the ones who blew stuff up and make it easier on all of them -- and Steve just shook his head. "Fascinating as this is, why--"

Then he stopped. Because Danny had leaned back from his desk, hands behind his head as he stared up at the ceiling -- giving the security camera clear view of the troll doll on Danny's desk. It had bright pink hair and was wearing only shorts -- swim trunks, Steve realised. It was standing on a surfboard.

Steve started to grin. He hadn't seen this little toy of Danny's yet, but Steve was so going to tease him about it--

The troll doll put its hands on its hips. A sharp, but very tiny and rather squeaky voice said, "You're going to ruin everything."

Danny shook his head. "I'm not going to ruin anything. Look, Sparky, how long have I been doing this?"

The troll doll waved its arms -- a gesture that Steve recognised as very similar to Danny's own. "You've been doing this for as long as I've been warning you that you’re going to get us all into trouble! The spell that makes you big is borrowed, asshole, and if Mr. Wizard comes looking for it what am I supposed to say? We lost it in the move? It vanished in the wash with all his left socks?"

"He's not gonna come looking for it! He hasn't been by for fifty years, why the hell would he come by now? You know as well as I do that it's Golly Gee Day in Magic Land and since time travels differently there, he's gonna be busy saying 'hi' to his neighbors for another sixty years!"

The troll doll did not look impressed. Steve was discovering that, really, he could in fact swallow his own tongue. He looked at Kono, who shrugged, her expression a sad one. He looked over to Chin, whose expression of sympathy was almost worse.

"This is insane," Steve said, but his eyes were drawn back to the screen where the troll doll was stomping along Danny's desk, banging his surfboard against the keyboard of Danny's computer.

"Delete my files again and you're a dead man," Danny said.

The troll stopped and glared up at Danny. "Look, we can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way. Come home, put Mr. Wizard's spell back where it belongs in the Hope Chest before anyone discovers it's gone, or--"

"Or what, Sparky? You gonna tell my mom on me? You gonna make me clean my room?"

The doll narrowed his eyes. "Or it's Happy Fun Day in Danny's World."

Danny jerked forward, hands on the desk on either side of the troll. "You wouldn't."

The troll smiled, and the perky, cheerful face did not at all match the tone of its squeaky voice. "I would. We're talking rainbows and kittens, Danno."

"You know, I have a daughter," Danny began, but Steve could hear the thin edge of fear in his voice. "I've had it up to here with Barbies and unicorns for eight years and counting."

"Happy Fun Day," the troll repeated, and from somewhere -- the walls, maybe, or simply appearing out of thin air -- soft but energetic music began to play. It was the perky sort of melody Steve vaguely remembered from TV shows when he'd been little.

For a moment Danny didn't react, and Steve wished he could see his partner's face. When he spoke, Steve was glad he couldn't. "I can't just vanish," Danny said, almost too quietly for the security camera to pick up. "I gotta at least tell them I'm leaving. Or they'll never stop looking."

The troll folded his arms. "You've got one day. Then pack your bags for home, buddy boy."

Danny slowly nodded, then suddenly the troll doll vanished.

Steve blinked as the footage froze, then stopped. He turned to Chin, about to ask what the hell they'd just seen, when he remembered: yesterday evening he'd passed Danny in the hallway, Danny was on his way out. Steve had said something, hello or aloha or something, and Danny had just paused and looked at him, then had said simply that he was headed home.

Steve leapt to his feet. "We've got to--"

Kono held up her hand. "I know where you're going with this, boss, but let me just say one thing."

Steve tensed, but forced himself to nod.

"One day lasts about sixty years."

It took a few moments before Steve began to relax. Sixty years. That was all right. Danny really was home with his daughter and not--


"Are you trying to tell me that Danny is a giant troll doll?" Because, seriously, he knew things could get plenty weird, but there were limits.

There were supposed to be limits.

Chin shrugged. "It does explain a lot, you know."

"The hair," Kono said.

"The cute round butt," Steve said, absently. He blinked as Kono and Chin goggled at him. "What, like you've never looked? So what are we going to do about this?" he asked quickly, suddenly not sure he wanted to know if other people were ogling Danny's ass. "Does this change anything?" He looked from Kono to Chin, and watched as they exchanged a long look of their own.

"It doesn't bother me," Chin said calmly.

"Me, either," Kono said. "My roommate at the Academy was a knitter. I think I can handle anything."

"Fine." Steve nodded. "Then Chin, I want you to destroy the footage you've got and we'll pretend that none of us saw a thing."

"Got it, Boss," Chin said. Kono gave him a two-finger salute and simply left.

Steve waited until Chin was done and had left, himself, before he finally let himself relax. He felt a tug at his pant's leg and he glanced down.

"We good?"

Steve smiled, and nodded. "We are, Good Luck Bear. Now let's go see if we can find Danny." He bent down and scooped up the green fuzzy bear and tucked him under his arm.

"Maybe we can find him a better Giant spell and make him a little taller," Good Luck Bear mused, as Steve walked out of the office.

"I dunno, I kind of like him just the size he is." Steve smiled again, thinking of how neatly Danny tucked into the curve of Steve's body. Good Luck Bear winked at him, then he wriggled out of Steve's grip. He landed on his paws on the sidewalk, and waved up at Steve.

"Good Luck, Sea Friend Bear!" He waved again, then vanished.

Steve rubbed his nose, then thought about where he might be if he were Danny. Where would a grumpy troll go, if he had the weekend free?

He smiled, and headed for home.

the end