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MCU the Crack Edititon

Chapter Text

Thanos was enjoying his victory. Another of the infinity stones and another step closer to getting what he wanted. He had just killed the trickster god Loki and was ready to continue his quest when he heard the enraged voice of his beloved.
“What the fuck did you do?”
He turned to see him there. Mistress Death had many forms and depending on their mood they could take the form of male or female. During the past four, almost five decades his beloved had decided upon the form of male.
“Beloved, I have been gathering the stones so I many grant you the offerings you deserve.”
His beloved, currently going by the name Anthony Edward Stark stormed forward and glared at him.
“I usually don’t give two shits what you do but I told you I had one rule. Don’t touch my stuff!”
Taken aback by this Thanos looked around not understanding what of his beloved’s that he’d touched.
Anthony pointed to the dead trickster.
“That’s mine.” He growled before pointing to the thunder god. “And that is mine. You broke my stuff.”
Thanos was certain he paled.
“I-I did not know my beloved.”
“Thanos I’m so sick and tired of you damaging my things. Midgard is where I’m currently vacationing and you damaged that to. No more, pack up your kids, pack up your armies, I don’t want to see you causing any more trouble for at least three centuries.”
“But beloved-”
“No! You break it you buy it. So guess what, I’m keeping the trickster and you don’t get to complain if he warms my bed instead of you. You fucked up and if you want to stay in my good graces you’ll work to make this up to me.”
Anthony turned away and touched the trickster who inhaled deeply as he returned to the living. Loki looked confused until his gaze locked onto Anthony’s.
“Mistress, good to see you.” Loki greeted him like he was saying hello to a longtime friend.
“Loki, always getting yourself into trouble. What are you and Thor doing on an alien ship far from Asgard?”
Loki winced as he sat up.
“We had to destroy it to kill Hela.”
Anthony frowned.
“You’re the ones who tried to kill Hela. She’s one of mine you know.”
“I was unaware, my apologies Mistress.”
Anthony waved his hands dismissing the matter.
“It’s fine, she’s currently staying with me in Midgard enjoying the luxuries the realm has to offer. Get up, we’ll go fix this mess and then we’ll talk about how you’re going to be spending the next three hundred years in my bed chambers because Thanos fucked up.”
Anthony helped Loki to his feet and snapped his fingers to free Thor. When he turned back to Thanos he pointed at him still angry.
“Get on with packing up your shit. Then you can come crawling back to me in Midgard to beg for my forgiveness. By the way, I’d suggest bringing flowers. It’s a better way to win my heart than dead bodies. I’m suppose to be on vacation, not neck deep in work because my asshole lover decided I was taking to long enjoying some time away from the job.”

Chapter Text

The battle was still going on all over Wakanda when Thanos arrived on the scene. He intended to go straight for Vision who possessed the last stone he needed but the most particular sight stopped him. He saw an elderly woman moving along the battlefield slowly as she used her cane to walk. Thanos had never seen such an elderly woman walk among the violence of war without fear before. Maybe it was why he allowed the woman to approach him and speak to him. Maybe it was why his forces stopped their attack to see what was happening.

“Elder, why do you come to this battlefield? You are beyond the years of a warrior.”

The woman looked up at Thanos looking no different than any innocent old lady that youngsters should be helping cross streets. Somewhere out in the universe Tony Stark had his Mama Rhodes senses going off and regardless of being an atheist he said a prayer for the poor fool. In the sky War Machine saw the familiar face, cursed, and ran for the hills to avoid the trauma of what was about to go down.

“Oh hello dearie, I’m looking for my son. You might know him, he’s name is Tony Stark.”

Thanos frowned at the little old black lady that couldn’t possibly be the mother to Tony Stark. Nearing the titan Steve Rogers was equally confused but determined to protect the old lady that had no business among the fighting and death.

“I left him on Titan after I spared his life because the stonekeeper gave me the time stone.”

In the distance Rhodey was debating whether he should pity the mad titan or not and in the distance among the dead Tony Stark’s ex Ty was gripping where his nuts had once been remembering the anger of the protective adopted mother of Tony Stark.

“Oh I see.”

Thanos had no time to react as the seemingly weak old woman suddenly became godly in strength and ability and hit the soul right out of his body with her cane. Silence fell over battlefield as Mama Rhodes looked at the body of Thanos who’s soul was forever separated from it where it could do no more harm to her adopted kid. She looked up across the fields of Wakanda with her gaze determined.

“Now where are Captain Rogers and this so called god Thor?”

Super soldiers and gods moved fast but never as fast as they did after seeing Mama Rhodes strike down Thanos and even then it wasn’t nearly fast enough. No one fucked with Mama Rhodes’s family and got away with it.

Chapter Text

In the icy Hydra bunker a video was playing revealed a long kept secret to a billionaire who had been orphaned when he was seventeen. When the video had finished Zemo looked on confident that he’d won.

“You killed my parents.” Tony said his voice devoid of emotion as he turned to Bucky Barnes.

“It wasn’t him Tony.” Steve tried to interrupt while Bucky nodded.

“I’m so sorry.” The former Hydra assassin said sincerely.

Tony groaned in annoyance much to the others surprise.

“Damn it do you know what this means?”

No one knew, clearly the genius had gone insane.

“Dad was a millionaire, I had a butler I was close with, my parents were killed which orphaned me…”

Steve and Zemo were utterly confused while Bucky’s eyes widened.

“Oh my god I made you Batman.”

Tony waved his arm at him.

“Ding ding ding you win all the points. Damn it why the hell do I have to live a comic book story?”

“I like you better than Batman.” Bucky said trying to give the person he’d orphaned some kind of comfort.

“Awe thanks, I am better looking plus I bet I suck cock better than him.”

Bucky raised a brow.

“We should test this theory.”

Zemo was left crying over his failed attempt to destroy the avengers while Steve hid with T’Challa to try and not overhear his best friend getting what sounded like a godly level blowjob.

Chapter Text

Two sides stood facing off at an airport in Germany. Everyone with grim faces and no one truly realizing how their sides had become divided like this.

“I knew it!” Tony practically screeched when he saw Bucky with Steve. “I knew you were leaving me for that frozen assassin.”

“Well he’s a better lover than you!” Steve argued yelling back at his soon to be ex-husband.

Bucky stayed silent but opened his vest to reveal the shirt underneath that read ‘make love not war’. No one paid attention so he closed it.

“Yeah well guess what, I’m getting the cat in the divorce!” Tony yelled back.

“We don’t even have a cat.” Steve argued causing Tony to pick up the King of Wakanda.

“Of course not because he’s mine now and you don’t get visiting rights.”

Bucky opened his vest again revealing a different undershirt, this one reading ‘Screw cats I’d rather have a velociraptor’ the picture with the words was of Blue from Jurassic World. Again no one paid attention to the poor former brain washed assassin so he closed his vest again.

“Yeah well I got the birds so I win.”

Tony scoffed tossing away the king who landed on his feet (no surprise there).

“Well I got the spiders which are so much cooler than birds.”

Bucky opened his vest again revealing a shirt with an image of a can of bug spray. No one paid attention to him or his argument against the coolness of insects.

“Well I have an Ant-man!”

Tony rolled his eyes.

“I said spiders, ants aren’t spiders.”

“Yeah well I still have Bucky and you’re going to be all alone.” Steve taunted.

“Yeah well you’ll never be the hottest avenger.” Tony countered.

Bucky opened his vest again revealing a red shirt with gold writing that read ‘Iron Man hottest Avenger confirmed’. That got Tony’s attention as he winked at the former assassin.

“Oh hell no don’t you dare try and steal my man. Besides he killed your parents, you wouldn’t want him.”

Again the vest closed and opened again revealing a new shirt that read ‘Winter Soldier confirmed murder kitten that only wants love’.

“Oh I’ll give you all the love murder kitten.” Tony told the former assassin in a flirty tone.

Turns out Tony got the spiders, the cat, the android, the war machine, AND the brain washed assassin in the divorce. Poor little Steve was in tears but no one cared, especially not Bucky because Steve had ignored his amazing shirts.

Chapter Text

Thanos had the time stone in exchange for Tony’s life. Tony had tried his hardest to win and only managed a single cut. With the time stone Thanos would go to earth and destroy their forces. With knowing that the first thought in his head shouldn’t be a bet he had with Rhodey, it shouldn’t have even crossed his mind. It was so ridiculous and the fate of earth was hanging in the balance, but then again he’d tried fighting and failed. What harm could it do when he could do nothing else?

“Thanos.” He called out to the titan knowing his armor was trashed beyond use now so he allowed what was left of it to return to where he kept it.

The giant purple alien turned to look at him seeming unconcerned with his victory practically guaranteed at this point. Tony knew it, Thanos knew it, hell Jon Snow probably knew and he knew nothing.

“Are you going to attempt to bargain for your world?”

Tony smirked causing Thanos to look slightly confused.

“Nope, I mean let’s face it. You’ve won, can’t do shit about it. I’m sure you’re victory can wait an hour or so. Want to be a good sport and maybe help me with keeping my end of a deal with my brother? I mean a being like you having lived as long as you have probably still have family, maybe some children or something. You know how important family is. Don’t make me go back on my end of my deal with my brother.”

The guy survived the destruction of his world after having enough time to see it’s end coming and try to prevent it. The guy was probably older than Thor and Loki combined and those guys were gods. The guy was probably old as shit and seeing as he seemed to have an obsession with collecting the infinity stones and giving his so called mercy to the universe, he might just win this bet. Oh how he’d love to see the look on Rhodey’s face when he won.

“What would such a task require of me?”

“Not much actually. Basically what’s needed is me stripping for you. You’ve already shown you can make things with that fancy gauntlet of yours so all I ask is for a stripper pole, some music, and you make yourself comfortable and enjoy.” He winked at Thanos looking as flirty as he possibly could.

Thanos was taken aback by this and the guardians were staring at him like he was a mad man. Peter was hiding behind Strange not needing to see whatever the hell his mentor and father figure was doing. Clearly Thanos had no idea what was going on but he summoned both the things asked of him as well as a large comfortable looking chair that could be mistaken for a throne.

The guardians just watched speechless as Tony grabbed the pole and expertly began moving along to the beat. His clothing was taken off slowly and expertly so it looked flawless and kept his audition’s attention. The moment he’d made this bet with Rhodey he’d hired someone to give him lessons and he enjoyed every second of them. As he span around on the pole he noticed Thanos was enjoying the end result of his lessons to. The titan was probably just now realizing just how long his dry spell had been going on with his obsession with ‘saving’ the universe. Oh Rhodey would regret the day he’d bet Tony couldn’t save the day with stripping. It wasn’t Tony’s fault he’d rescued himself with only a gauntlet and a boot of his armor after being tied to a bed. Rhodey was just super jealous and should just accept Tony would always be way more awesome than him. He’d already spent weeks calling bullshit on how he’d gotten into the Mandrian’s base. For whatever reason Rhodey just didn’t believe Tony could do the same sneaky ninja shit Natasha did. Seeing as Natasha was a criminal right now Tony would like to point out she’s not the greatest example of ninja shit. If she was she wouldn’t have been found out so suck on that Rhodey. Well Rhodey likely wasn’t going to get the chance because Thanos looked about ready to lock Tony up and never let anyone else within hearing distance of him much less touching. He could work with that if it meant he didn’t lose this bet. He’d sucked dick for lesser rewards and he really hated losing bets to Rhodey.

“I wish to keep you.” Thanos breathed out a visible tent in his pants when Tony finished.

“Well I’m willing to be kept by you handsome but I have some conditions.” He said with a flirty smirk at the mad titan.

“Name them.”

“First of all, I want you return those you killed. So you know that Gamora chick and Thor’s people. Hell return Asgard into existence and I’ll add the bonus of all the sexual favors you could ever want.”

Thanos opened his mouth to argue but Tony closed the short distance between the throne and pole.

“No arguing Thanos baby. Look, you want to show the universe mercy fine but let’s do it my way so everyone’s happy, no one wants to try and murder you, and you can get you giant purple dick inside me like yesterday.”

Somewhere Quill was throwing up, Drax had passed out with a bloody nose, and Peter was crying about how his father figure had been ruined by a giant evil shriveled grape.

“How would you show mercy?”

Tony smirked and leaned close to whisper in Thanos’s ear. The titan agreed as he grabbed the almost completely naked Tony Stark and went to earth. Once they were gone Strange sighed.

“This was the only future we won in, who knew it all rested on the shoulders of a man who made ridiculous bets with his best friend.”

No one said anything. Drax was still unconscious; Mantis’s virgin eyes had seen too much, Peter wished he’d stayed on the bus, Nebula didn’t care because not long after Gamora was returned to her side, and Thor was crying loudly over the return of his brother. Loki was busy stabbing him but Thor was used to it and ignored Loki as he told him to leave him alone and go focus on their people that had been returned and were waiting for their king on the newly restored Asgard. The avengers were just confused and Steve was trying to find some brain bleach to erase the image of a nearly naked Tony Stark from his mind while also trying to remove the words ‘I want to suck your giant purple dick’ from his mind forever. Bucky would have comforted his friend but he was busy hunting down a talking raccoon that stole his arm and was attempting to sell it back to Wakanda.

Chapter Text

The Winter Soldier had been captured and after a visit from the psychiatrist he was on rampage. Tony could be at home attempting to keep the resident archer out of his vents but no, he was here about to die facing an assassin without his armor…wait, he was a Russian assassin. Never mind he’s got this.

He turned the corner where the Winter Soldier had just thrown off another of his assailants looking ready for murder time.

“Hey,” the soldier looked his way and Tony held up what he’d brought with him. “I’ve got plums and vodka.”

The soldier made his way over to him looking to be doing a murder strut but he didn’t attack and instead wrapped himself around Tony and began eating the plums. Tony could admit he was surprised this worked as he began petting the Winter Soldier who purred at the attention.

“What the fuck?” Steve said watching the two.

“How did that even work?” Everett Ross asked.

Tony held up a book that was a fairly large size and looked the same color as those for dummies books.

“The How to care for your formerly brain washed Russian assassin. A book by Clint Barton.”

The soldier was now drinking the vodka having already finished off two plums looking content to stay where he was.

“Who the hell is Clint?” Ross asked apparently not recognizing the name of Hawkeye which was just sad.

“He’s an asshole who eats all my pizza, drinks all my beer, and nests in my vents.”

There was a moment of silence.

“Ok.” Ross said seeming to accept the answer.

“Ok? Seriously, how is this ok?” Sharon asked getting up from where she’d been thrown earlier.

Ross pointed to Tony and the soldier.

“Those two are crazy; this situation is crazy, the solution to the crazy is crazy so of course someone crazy wrote a crazy book about this crazy situation. It all makes sense.”

No one had response to that. Tony just wondered how Clint would feel about him bringing home a pet Russian assassin.

 

Chapter Text

“I’m going to miss these little talks of ours.” Thor said placing a hand on Tony’s shoulder being honest as he had been falling for the genius more and more.

“Not if you don’t leave.” Ah how he wished he could stay but the nine realms needed him and if they were in danger that meant the genius was to. Thor wouldn’t let anything happen to the small adorable genius.

“I have no choice.” He answered even though he’d rather stay with Tony.

As he looked at the genius though a thought occurred to him. It was a thought he’d often been having since Loki’s death…what would Loki do? With that thought in mind he strode up to the genius catching him by surprise, picked him up, threw him over his shoulder, and summoned the bi-frost. Heimdal was certainly surprised by the addition that arrived with Thor. Tony was protesting for all of two seconds before his eyes took in his surroundings.

“Holy shit did you bring me to Asgard? Wait, I’ve just been abducted by aliens. Why have I been abducted by aliens? Thor, why?”

Thor happily strode out of the bi-frost heading towards the palace. He was going to show his father his mortal and make sure Odin knew this one was his and he couldn’t mistreat him like he had the last one. Odin’s expression upon seeing him holding the struggling genius in place by his ass was as the mortals would say, priceless.

“Thor what the hell? Answer me you big blonde idiot. You can’t just abduct me and bring me to your shiny golden city in the sky!”

“My son…explain…” Odin was unnaturally confused by this turn of events though Thor chose not to focus on that at the moment.

“I was leaving Midgard to find out why so many of the infinity stones have been making an appearance recently but I would have missed Tony. So I asked myself what would Loki do.”

Tony made a sound of protest at that.

“So I stole the genius, he is mine now.”

Tony managed to look over his shoulder to see Odin who was wiping a stray tear from his eye as the one eyed king’s image faded revealing Loki.

“I have never been prouder of you brother than in this moment.”

Thor should be angry at Loki faking his death but instead he just hugged his little brother with Tony still flung over his shoulder like spoils of war. Thor should have been suspicious when Loki allowed the hug. He clearly hadn’t learned yet as he found a knife in his side and Loki running off with his genius.

“You were right in what I would do brother!” Loki said stealing the genius away because he wanted him.

“Loki I just got you back, I won’t fight you over this. We can share.”

Loki paused with a hand on the door having somehow managed to move quite fast in his attempt to steal away Thor’s new love.

“Very well.” Loki decided because they both knew the trickster couldn’t outrun him.

“Oh dear god I’ve been abducted by aliens and going to be probed.” Tony complained but later when they had him between them there was no objection to their probing.

Chapter Text

Planning a strategy with the Guardians of the Galaxy as they called themselves was proving to be useless. Tony needed to come up with another plan; they’d need to distract Thanos when he arrived. He went to find Strange because honestly he might be the only one besides Peter that would be reliable.

“Hey magic man.”

Strange looked at him trying not to show he was annoyed.

“What?”

“I’ve got an idea but I want to see if you can do what I need you to. That portal thing you can do, can you move and close it to say cut off a certain evil asshole’s arm?”

“Yes but how do you plan to distract Thanos to stop him from seeing what I’m doing?”

“Leave that to me.” He said walking off saying nothing of his plan.

When Thanos arrived he found Strange sitting alone waiting for him. Before Thanos or Strange could even exchange words both were distracted by the loud cry and naked genius running in view of both.

“Loki stole my clothes! He threatened to make me kneel and to do unspeakable things to my butthole!”

Thanos was dumbstruck watching the genius that Strange easily made a portal and closed it to cut off his hand. Thanos roared in pain and before he could even try to grab the gauntlet Peter webbed it up from where he was clinging to Quill as he flew away overhead.

“Thanos!” Drax roared as he jumped at the titan to behead him.

“Yay, win for team Tony.” Tony cheered as he walked back over naked as the day he was born.

“How the hell did that work?” Strange asked while Tony didn’t appear to have any intention of getting dressed again.

“Because if you see someone streaking while claiming the god of mischief stole your clothing you stop to look.”

“A marvelous trick Anthony.”

Tony and Strange both turned to see Loki standing there looking amused.

“You have my thanks, your mischief was enough to resurrect me. Now, has anyone seen Thor? I’m sure he’s off someplace whining about my death again.”

“You know Thor?” Quill asked as he landed.

“Indeed, I am his brother. How do you know him?”

“He landed on the windshield of our ship.”

Loki just hummed before smirking at Strange.

“Ah, the man who thinks himself a sorcerer.”

“I will banish you to the dark dimension.”

“Been there, Dormammu isn’t fond of me after my last trick.”

Strange just glared.

“So can we go home now? I need to rub this in Rogers’s self-righteous face.”

“I hope you mean this situation, I would hate for you to waste that lovely ass on the likes of the captain.” Loki said; eyes locked onto his ass.

“Like I’d ever give that asshole the time of day. You though, I do owe you a drink.”

“Mr. Stark, can you please put on some clothes?” Peter whined as he covered his eyes.

“This is what happens when you’re a stowaway kid. So keep your eyes closed until we get back to earth because this iron man is staying Stark naked. Now, let’s go home.”

Strange sighed as he opened a portal to where the others were facing Thanos’s forces. They walked through with Drax holding Thanos’s head like some kind of trophy. When the others spotted them everyone froze whether it was because Tony was naked or the fact Drax held Thanos’s head it didn’t matter.

“I think I just turned gay.” Bucky said breaking the silence which seemed to signal Thanos’s army to run away as their leader was dead.

“I think we should see just how gay.” Tony said sending the man a teasing smirk.

“Bucky no!” Steve protested.

“Bucky yes.” Bucky countered as he approached Tony and Loki grinned at the captain before teleporting away with both.

“Was that my brother?” Thor asked confused.

“Yes and I hate him. Apparently he can’t make me happy by staying dead.” Strange grumbled before returning to the sanctum via portal.

Everyone else was just confused, Peter got grounded by May when she found out he went to space, and Loki, Bucky, and Tony all got laid.