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First Times

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Chuuya runs into Kouyou’s tearoom with a giant smile on his face, the door thudding against the wall loudly as a result of his exuberance, “Kouyou-anesan, I’m ready for my first time!”

Kouyou’s eyes widen slightly and her hand jerks so minutely that one small drop of tea lands deftly on the table. She stares at it for a moment before recovering, “Are you sure? You’re still quite young.”

“Not really,” Chuuya laughs and drops down to sit at the other side of the table, eagerness and pride radiating through him, “Other kids my age have already done it, some even younger.”

“That’s not really an argument,” Kouyou tilts her head and absentmindedly thinks she should wipe up that spot before it stains the wood.

“But I’m ready. And I’ve already made my decision about who’s doing it with me,” Chuuya sounds so serious that Kouyou is willing to hear him out.

“Have you really? And who is this lucky person?” She smiles indulgently and curls her fingers around the teacup again, bringing it to her mouth, all the while waiting to hear the name of the person that Chuuya has chosen to—

“It’s Dazai. I, I’m going to do it with Dazai.”

Kouyou’s hand freezes in midair and her smile shatters as more drops of tea splatter her table, “...You’re going to do it with Dazai?”

Chuuya nods, “I’ve made up my mind.”

“Isn’t there...anybody else?”

“I want Dazai.”

With each mention of that monster’s name, Kouyou feels like her soul is breaking into tiny pieces, “Surely, there’s someone else. Anyone else. What about Tachihara-san? You like him, I’ve seen you two talking together. He’s a nice boy, a loyal member, and you get along well.”

“Tachihara is fun and we always have a good time together, but...”


“I want someone with a lot more experience. Dazai said he’s done it way more than Tachihara.”

Kouyou’s tone goes flat, “I’m sure he has.” She takes a deep breath and prepares her counterproposal, “Well, if you want someone with more experience, then what about Hirotsu-san? He’s a perfect gentleman.”

Chuuya can’t help grimacing a little, “Hirotsu-san is...are you sure he even remembers how?”

“Chuuya,” Kouyou says plaintively, “Of course he does, it’s practically like riding a bicycle.”

“Oh, it is?”

“Once you get the moves down, after that it’s all just instincts.”

Chuuya hums in thought, “Hm, well, riding a bike was easy.”

“That’s because you used your ability to balance instead of…never mind,” Kouyou breaks off, “I can guarantee that Hirotsu-san will take the time to guide and be gentle with you.”

“You don’t think Dazai will be gentle?” Chuuya suddenly looks ambivalent and Kouyou feels more confident that she can convince him to give up on this crackpot idea.

“You’ve seen the way he treats Akutagawa. And everyone else, yourself included.”

“But, but this is totally different!”

“Is it? It’s your first time, if you get too worked up and your partner doesn’t take the time to calm your nerves, it’s going to spoil the experience. This is something you do with someone you trust.”

“I trust Dazai,” Chuuya’s mouth does a funny quirk as he finishes that sentence.

“...Say that again, but this time like you’re not lying.”

An exasperated huff leaves Chuuya’s mouth, “Okay, so, we have issues.”

“That’s an understatement. What made you pick Dazai in the first place?”

Chuuya shrugs, “He offered.”

Kouyou brings a hand between her eyes, “Just because he offered doesn’t mean you have to take him up on it. We’ll find you someone better.”

“Like who?”

“We can always get one of our grunt workers to do it,” Kouyou said, grasping at straws. “I’m sure we could find one or two you would like.”

“No, no, Ane-san, I’d rather it be someone I know.”

“Of course,” She sighs, then tries once more, “Are you sure you don’t want Tachihara? He’s very good looking.”

Chuuya just barely resists rolling his eyes in front of her, “Yes, I already asked him anyways and he said he’d gladly do it with me once he had more experience. …I don’t quite see what him being good looking has to do with anything—”

“How about you do it with Tachihara, and I could have one of my girls very discretely sit in and give you pointers when needed? It’s not like it would be the first time something like that has happened.”

“Uh, no, I wouldn’t want to inconvenience anyone and I think too many people being around will just distract me.”

“Shame. Well, then I’ll have to keep my suggestion of Hirotsu-san for the time being. He’s older than you and he’s a respected member of the Mafia. He’ll show you everything you need to know and then some. Plus,” Kouyou pauses and takes a look at the young child in front of her, wide-eyed and eager for this new experience, and that thought brings old memories up, tempering her expression into something more bittersweet, “I trust him with you.”

Chuuya smiles at her sweetly, looking like a regular kid instead of one half of the Port Mafia’s killing pair, and he inclines his head deferentially, “Your opinion means a lot to me.”

All of his respect toward her doesn’t stop her withering reply, “And yet your first choice was Dazai...”

“He, he seemed really sincere in his offer,” Chuuya says sheepishly.

“I’m sure he did. Some men can seem very sincere when taking advantage of the innocent.”

“I’m hardly innocent, Ane-san.”

“In this regard, yes you are.”

“I guess you’re right,” Chuuya concedes, even if he sounds a little unsure, “So…Hirotsu-san, then?”

Kouyou nods in agreement, “Hirotsu-san is a much better choice, Chuuya. He’s going to take very good care of you. Should I have him brought here?”

Chuuya looks down and shakes his head, “No, no, I’ll ask him myself. Oh, that brings me to my original request, may I please—”

Kouyou nods magnanimously, “I will give you all the condoms you need.”

“Borrow your car?” Chuuya finishes before his face falls. “What?”

Kouyou coughs, “What? My car? You want to do it in my car? That’s a little…unorthodox, also unsanitary.”

“Wait, no, no, no, the first thing you said—how is it unorthodox to do it in a car?”

“Most people who plan their first times do it in a bedroom, or a fancy hotel room.”

“How am I going to learn how to drive a car in a bedroom?”

Kouyou pauses and lets his words sink in, “Oh.”


“It appears we were not discussing the same subject.”

“What did you—?”

“I thought you were telling me you were ready to have sex,” Kouyou pours herself some more tea, wishing it was something much harder.

“What? Why, this whole time you thought—Hirotsu-san? You were trying to get me to sleep with Hirotsu-san?”

(“I was pushing Tachihara much harder, but you wouldn't go along,” Kouyou murmurs into her teacup, inhaling the steam in an attempt to calm herself.)

“I came here to ask to borrow your car so Dazai could teach me how to drive, I can’t believe you thought I was talking about losing my virginity,” Chuuya suddenly turns red and avoids Kouyou’s eyes, “Um, by the way, is that, is that something I should have talked to you about beforehand?”

“Well, no, but I would have—what do you mean ‘should have talked’?”

Chuuya shakes his head vehemently, “Nothing, nothing at all!”

“Have you already lost your innocence?”

Chuuya ducks his head and mutters, “Kouyou-san, nobody talks like that anymore…”

“You better have been safe. It better have not been with Dazai.”

Chuuya doesn’t respond verbally, but his eyes get bigger and he very slowly shakes his head as he looks around the room, anywhere but Kouyou’s eyes.

Kouyou sighs heavily and lifts her teacup from the table, slowly turning her whole body toward the window before speaking.

“Chuuya-san, you,” Kouyou takes a long deep sip of her tea and swallows, “Have disappointed me.”

Chuuya gasps and reaches out his hand toward her, very dramatically, “Ane-san!”

“Leave me, I need time to process this information.”

“Ane-san,” Chuuya yells desperately, “Please!”

Kouyou very slightly turns to him, taking in the very pathetic way he is stretched halfway across the table in an attempt to reach her, and takes pity on him. She raises her eyebrow slightly, giving him permission to speak.

“Can I still borrow your car?”


Tachihara stops in the middle of the hallway at the sound of his name, and immediately straightens his posture when he sees Kouyou coming toward him.

Tachihara blinks in confusion, “Yes, Kouyou-san? Is there something you—”

She places her hand on Tachihara’s shoulder and gives it a light squeeze, “Hang in there, and I’ll support you whenever I can. Continue doing your best.”

Tachihara looks around wildly to see if anyone else has noticed this strange interaction, before realizing that an executive has just singled him out to pay him a compliment.

He gives a low bow, “Th-Thank you, Kouyou-san! I will continue working hard!”

“It’s okay to be a little more aggressive. Our enemy fights dirty, but I know if we persevere, our team will be the victor!”

Tachihara nods his head, now convinced that Kouyou is just giving him a spontaneous motivational speech about serving the Port Mafia and its interests to the best of his abilities, “Yes, Kouyou-san! The Port Mafia will come out on top!”

Kouyou nods in agreement after a moment, “I guess however it happens, the Mafia will be on top, but I’m not going to discuss that with you right now, not when we have so much work to do. Good luck, Tachihara-san, I’m rooting for you.”

“Thank you! I promise to make you proud.” Tachihara stays in his bow till Kouyou has turned the corner. He straightens up slowly, wondering what the hell was going on.

“Ah,” Comes another voice from behind him. Tachihara turns around, letting out a short groan when he sees Dazai cloaked in shadows (even though Tachihara could have sworn the hallway was brightly lit a few minutes ago), leaning against the wall with a pensive look on his face. “I see that Kouyou has chosen her champion. We’re going to be opponents from now on, so,” Dazai’s glare melts away into a much more terrifying smile, “Let’s have a good game, huh, Tachihara?”

Dazai glides past Tachihara, who keeps his mouth shut, because he has the sinking feeling that anything he says right now will be taken as an acceptance of some demonic contract. Once Dazai has turned the corner, Tachihara inhales deeply and runs before anyone else can corner him.

He should have listened to his mother and been a florist.