What is serenity? serenity is the state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled. But I am troubled...though I often hide my pain behind closed doors, the thought of people witnessing me in my most undignified state paralizes me. My general existance as i know it is that of a scared boy, though i mask it well. when you left me last night i cut myself, and had dreams of my death. I once said 'give me something to help me escape'. But is there an escape? or am i forever the sinful clown, bound tightly on my knees, bareing myself to you, or so you think.
Hail to human bondage, hail to pain, hail to death.
But until then, my eyes fall shut and i fall into a sound sleep. somehow.
The sound of the engine shutting off cuts open the quiet night air, and wakes me. The tour has finally come to an end, suddenly i feel at home, but not safe from myself. I hang my legs over the top bunk, Henrik suddnely walks by and nods at me with a smile carrying various bags across the bus. He meets with Kungen who stands from his seat and stretches. I watch him. Feeling strangely shy, as i hide behind my long strands of black hair, i glance into a mirror i placed onto the wall and realise i still have my make up on. Forever in character. I bite my lip then meet eyes with Kungen again across the bus, his eyes pierce mine, i grin at him like the freak that i am and turn to lay back down on the bed, before i know it he is standing beside my bunk.
"We have arrived." kungen announces as though im supposed to know what he is talking about.
"I don't know where we are. be my eyes."
"we discussed last night that we will be staying the night at your place. you were welcoming about it in your own fashion and we all agreed on it. don't you remember?"
I find myself visibly cringe as i look at the other guys standing like idiots in the background like lost puppies waiting for my answer. I force a laugh and jump from the bed. Yes, i remember (no i don't) home sweet home, Boys.
Kungen nods to the guys and they grab their belongings and follow me single file to my humble abode, I feel kungen place his hand on the small of my back as though to reassure me that there will be no harm. But it is harm that I need. after all it's all i deserve.
"Make yourselves at home." I smile too sweetly and try to compose myself as i walk to the bathroom. I can feel all their eyes burning into me as i walk with fake confidence into the hell that awaits me. As i close the door i hear laughter and turn to gaze at my freak face in the mirror. Even without make up this is how i see myself. like a gypsy demon looking back at me through the glass, granting me the wish of my next fix, my release to draw out the pain that fills inside me. I remove my shirt and stare at my frail form, placing the blade onto my skin i feel my blood pour from my open wounds and close my eyes as though i fall into a vicious orgasm. Then i feel like a fool. I feel myself break into tears and my body gives way, the noise of my friends fades into the background and so do i.
Hours pass...or so i think. I wake up in a pitch black hole. mentally and physically confined. Somebody has captured me. The panic grows as i find myself bound and gagged and completely helpless. I will my eyes to adjust to the darkness, ive been dressed. my wounds have been bandaged as though somebody intended to rescue my sorry self. i find i am wearing one of the jackets from my stage show circus stash over my pale naked chest, unbuttoned for me to see the bandages.I pull at my hands and feet to no avail. somebody is making sure i have no control. I have to be in control. What is happening to me? someone please...the words roll around my head but fall on deaf ears. I moan under my gag and stir, once again pulling at my form, forced to accept my vulnerablility. The door to my room slowley pushes open and i stare into kungen's piercing blue eyes, they penetrate my soul as he enters the room. He looks at me for what feels like forever before he turns to close the door tighlty behind him. When he finally brings himself to face me again i moan or cry in pain and embarrsessment beneath my gagged lips. He looks close to tears but i cant bare to see His tears over me so i avoid his gaze in shame.
The house is quiet and the tention between us is thick in the air. I feel as though we are alone. Alone in my house. He and I. Had he planned this? He approaches my helpless body tied to the bed, my arms are tied tightly above my head to the bed frame. i can't feel my feet. i can barely move an inch. Kungen towers over me, and all i can do is wait for him to make the first move. He shakes his head at me, i breathe uncontrollably, then finally he speaks.
"what have you been doing...?"
I feel my eyes flood with tears, i'm guilty, ive been caught. My release of my harmful acts on myself have been exposed.
"I had to break down the door of the bathroom, you didn't respond...then i find you lying in a pool of your own blood, have you lost your mind...?"
I stare at him, like a child getting punished in school.
He reaches out and places his hand over my dressed wound and rips off the dressing as though to show me the damage.
"look at youself!"
"Please!" I cry a muffled moan under my gag.
"Johannes...how long has this been going on..?"
I don't answer him, being stubborn until he rips another dressing off my skin with force to bare another mark to me.
I cry out again and pull at myself in a rage growing angry at his tactics.
"I found you in the bathroom, passed out in blood...i picked you up in my arms, how could you be so selfish...why are you harming?"
"mmmphh..." I moan.
"I made a decision to restrain you so you can't touch yourself. For your own protection. I wont stand by and let you cayse yourself any more harm. You will stay like this as long as i see fit."
I shake my head and my eyes grow wide.
He reaches over and tears the ductape from my lips, i take a breath and try to plead instantly.
"Please let me go."
"Let you go? I cant do that, i don't trust you."
"YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME LIKE THIS!"
"Ive already made that choice. I have to punish you for punishing yourself. I will not untie you until i am sure you will do no further harm to your body....your precious skin..."
"You can't do this to me!"
"I can and i will."
"NO!" I thrash at kungen but he debilitates me further placing his hand over my mouth to silence me.
"I am in control now...i won't let you continue to do this. Johannes...do you have any idea how i felt to find you in this way..."
"No...No, Don't make me beg." I plead again pulling away from his hand.
"My poor love...let me help you."
He tapes my mouth shut again expertly, and leaves me in the room to lose my mind. I'm so frightened. My body shakes and falls limply into the ropes. Please kill me.
To be Continued....