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Father, please forgive me

Chapter Text

Christianity was stupid. Religion was stupid. The thought of putting some... god on a pedestal and putting all your hopes, dreams, and wishes on them was stupid. Going to church was stupid. Eating the body of Christ while watching an old man in big robes at the front of a check was stupid. 

Everything was stupid to Phil Lester.

He didn’t like religion and the thought of him, stepping foot into a church, made his body course with a hatred so deep it burned into the layers of his skin. From the inside out.

His sad, widowed mother dragged him to church every day to confession or to pray. She sat for hours on end, with her grimacing son, to pray to the god, that everyone in that place worshiped, to wish for her husband to come back. As if his dad would just resurrect from the graves like Jesus. 

His mother was delusional. 

She hung crosses everywhere around her house and cried and prayed and made bad food for her two sons that did nothing but stare with bright, wide eyes and eat silently.

They watched their mom destroy herself.

They watched their mom pray to god.

They watched their mom wear heavy crosses around her neck because she thought it made her happy.

They watched their mom eat less and less.... 

 Kathryn brought Phil to church one day, herself quiet and as expressionless as ever before.

”Goodevening, Miss and Mister Lester” The priest exclaimed rather boringly, his voice was low and his gaze never met theirs.


”Goodevening, father” Phil’s mother answered. Phil wouldn’t dare speak. Not in that place.

And they sat, like all the other times, near the confessional booth and near the organ player who sat sadly, and gracefully at the instrument. The music echoed off of the walls and into Phil’s ears where it rang like a warning sign, an alarm.

He didn’t want to be here.

He could feel his skin turn sticky and his tattoos peeling off like stickers the longer he sat in this place.

A soft, fairy-like voice broke the silence, broke the soft prayers of Kathryn, and rang out louder then the organ music.

”Father, please forgive me,” it gasped out. “I don’t think— I can keep up with him he is... horrible, father. He is horrible and he is mean and I—“ it got cut off with a loud sob that ran through everyone with a shiver. They sobbed loudly.

”I hate this place! I pray to god! I pray to Jesus! I pray on my mother! I pray on my self! I pray on everyone but he still isn’t gone, father! He is still hurting me!”

The priests body covered whoever was crying and swiftly, someone Phil didn’t know was running out of the back rooms with water sloshing around in their hand. 

It almost was like the sobbing would never stop, along with the prayers and the murmers.

”You’re not praying hard enough,” was all the priest said before moving away and letting the person fall to the floor with a soft plunk. Phil’s eyes squinted and look at the person who wore soft colors and had curly, short brown hair.

”Come back with him tomorrow, Daniel. I will help him.”






Chapter Text

The small-framed boy stood up and shook as he walked towards the heavy church doors. His hands, that were covered by the soft pink colored jumper he was wearing, came up and pushed on the dark wood.

Phil watched him go.

”Come on.” 

Kathryn moved past him, past the small space between the long benches and kneeling stools, and fell in line with where the boy had left. Phil grunted and moved swiftly to catch up with his mother, ignoring the farewell wishes from the priest, and they went home.

Home, to Phil, was sadness lingering between rooms, empty feelings and Jesus everywhere. He hated it. Every moment that he could he spent his time that was meant to be at home with friends. They went to cemeteries, to fast food restaurants, to skate parks, to fields, to their houses.

Everywhere but home was perfect.

“Philip Michael Lester! Get your ass here right now!”

Phil hissed when his mother’s old, wilting fingers came in contact with his skin, pulling him to the kitchen where a crucifix sat on each wall, staring him down.

”I saw that you were looking at that boy in the church! Don’t think for a second that I don’t have eyes ‘cause I do!”

She had a crazed look in her eyes as her son pushed her off of himself. Phil spat on the broken tiles of the kitchen floor and stood up, taller then his mother.

”Looking at someone who was crying? So what?! He was crying, for gods sake, don’t you have a brain? Sympathy?!”

His mother let out a yell and banged her fist against the already cracked cabinets. They cracked some more.

”Don’t you dare use gods name in such a way! Haven’t I raised you better?!”

Phil was growing impatient and fidgety, his mother never raised a fist to him and never yelled. 

“Why? So you can just use it up to pray my father alive? Well that’s not gonna work!”

The kitchen was silent before Phil realized what he had done. He may be punk but he still cared about people’s feelings. He spoke up again.

”I’m sorry... it’s just that you pray to him as if you’re afraid of forgetting him but we’ve had many people die in our family, we don’t pray to them and we still remeber them.”

Kathryn sat down on the broken oak kitchen chair that was being held together by ductape, and watched her son lean against the doorway, the cracked wood supporting his exhausted body. The first crucifix, when you entered the room, hung above his head; high and holy.

”No, you’re right. Nothing will get him back... as much as I hate to admit it, he is gone”

Phil nodded.

”Me and Martyn just don’t like seeing you like this. You may not think twice about it but it hurts us” 

His mom nodded and got up, from the chair where she had just sat in, walking to the bathroom off of the kitchen and stopped. She frowned slightly, thinking.

”If I see you looking at another boy like that.... so god, help me” and left into the bathroom, closing the door loudly before she could hear Phil say,

”The Bible has tainted you”.

Phil went to the church that night, wanting to try and see Daniel again.

He was dressed proudly in his black ripped jeans and white t-shirt that hung loosely on his lanky body, his combat boots were loud against the linoleum floors of the Church.

People stared his way, per usual, and watched like hawks to their pray as he sat down on the bench where he and his mother usually sat.

”Good evening, Mr.Lester. You don’t have your mother with you?”

Phil’s head jerked up in surprise and confusion, upon seeing that it was the priest, went back boredly. He shook his head. The priest spoke again, loudly.

”Well, tell her that she is always welcome in the house of god. She is going to miss out on the beautiful hour tonight.”

House of god. That almost made Phil vomit. He hated church, he didn’t fit in there, he hated religion, he hated the priest, he hated everything about it... he was just here for Daniel.

And almost instantly, his sweet voice came back. Phil perked up almost immediately and he looked around.

”Father, I know you said tomorrow b-but I couldn’t wait any longer... it got worse,” the voice came out softly, almost hushed though it still enchoed in the empty space. “He tried to drown me and when I got away... I ran here and he chased me. I closed the doors on him, he isn’t happy...”

Phil could hear the priest hum and shift, his robes rubbing on the floor.

”My child, you don’t deserve any of what that man has given you. He is Satan in human skin. Go and sit at the front next to Mr. Lester, in the black.” and the priest leaned in close to Daniel and whispered something which made the small, bruised, pretty boy giggle. Phil could hear his heart hammering in his chest and his hands start to get clammy.

God, he was so gay.

Daniel walked over slowly with a blush on his cheeks and his fingers twiddling.

When he got close the small, soft colored boy sat down next to Phil, right where his arms were stretched far enough that if he were to bring them back to himself Daniel would come with them. It was a warning thought. 

“I’m Dan, Mr. Lester, thank you for taking me into your hospitality”

Dan held out his smaller hand confidently, and his voice was as soft as silk.

Phil smirked and straightened up, bringing his arm back to himself and pulling Dan into his side. The boy squeaked before blushing some more.

”Hello, pretty boy, I’m Phil but Mr.Lester sounds nicer coming from your lips.”

Dan only blushed more and nodded, putting his held or hand back in his lap.

”You don’t look like you worship god”

Phil rose an eyebrow and chuckled, “That’s cause I don’t, princess. My mother takes me here with her.”

The brunettes mouth formed an ‘O’ and he nodded.

”So... your mother believes in god?”


“And you don’t?”

”That’s what I said.”

”Why don’t you believe in god?”

”Cause he’s dead.

Dan thought for a few moments before nodding.

”I’m starting to think that to. You know, I’ve been praying to god ever since my mother married that man and then died and left me in his shackles, I’ve been praying that he dies and my mother... comes back.”

Phil couldn’t help but think of his own mother and how she prayed on her life for his father to come back alive. He sighed heavily, bringing the boy closer to him.

”Yeah, that’s kinda why I stopped believing him too”

And they sat there until they both fell asleep waiting for the priest to come back for Dan.

Chapter Text

Dan woke up in Phil’s arms with police shaking him and the punk awake. The sky was sill dark so it seemed as though no time went by.

The police stared at him, slightly frighteningly, almost as if they were examining him.

”Sir, we are arresting your step father on account of domestic abuse. We were going to ask you some questions but it seems as thought the priest and your... bruises are all that we need for now. If there is anything else you would like to say, don’t be afraid to give us a call.”

And that was it. The police dragged his step father away from him in cuffs; his dirty, blood stain hands bound together in metal. He was staring at Dan, screaming that when he got out of jail he would kill him, spit and blood flying everywhere with those words.

The words scared the brunette but the officer by his side reassured him that he won’t be alive to see Dan again. It made him feel a little bit better, there was still a chance for him to escape... but he didn’t really want to think about that right now.

”Hey, you okay, pretty boy?” 

Dan gulped and looked towards Phil.

”Y-Yeah just a bit... spooked. I haven’t really... swallowed all of the words.”

The punk nodded and stood up. He stretched and yawned, scratching at the back of his neck. He looked to Dan once more.

”I have to go home since it’s late but,” he shuffled, pulling his phone out of his pocket and passing it over to the brunette who stared at it confusidly. “Put your number in my phone so if you need help or are in trouble you can just give me a call and I’ll be there.”

Dan nodded and shakily took the phone, slowly typing in his number before giving it back and watching Phil disappear behind the big church doors.

Dan went home alone that night with a tremor and a slight ounce of fear in his heart. He held his phone close to his chest as he opened his door to his cookie cutter house; neat and clean furniture, modern/updated rooms, beautiful fireplace. 

It was just colder now. Too cold. And lonely.

The brunette shivered and took off his shoes, locking his door, and moved quite slowly up the stairs towards his bedroom. 

He couldn’t help but think about how Phil made him feel... the warmth, the safety. Dan wasn’t homophobic or anything, and he was quite proud of himself but he couldn’t help but lean into the tugging in his brain telling him that it was a sin.

His step father wouldn’t let him be with a boy, he wouldn’t let him wear these clothes, he wouldn’t let him have these thoughts. He would be drowning him in the bathtub with piping hot water that burnt his eyes and skin.

Dan shivered and let out a loud cry, running from his bedroom to the bathroom in the hallway where he quickly stripped out of his dirty, dirty clothes and turned on the water to the boiling his step father liked. His loofa taunted him on its hook next to the shampoo before he took it and hurriedly scrubbed at his skin.

He cried and cried and recited Pslam 51 like it was a poem, 

Be merciful to me, O God,            because of your constant love.       Because of your great mercy              wipe away my sins!                           Wash away all my evil and make me clean from my sin! 

I recognize my faults;
I am always conscious of my sins.
I have sinned against you—only against you—  and done what you consider evil.
So you are right in judging me;
you are justified in condemning me.
I have been evil from the day I was born;
from the time I was conceived, I have been sinful,”

an anthem.

It wasn’t even all of it but he couldn’t go on with how much and how hard he had been rubbing. His skin burned like hell itself.

The brunette had to get rid of the scent of Phil; cologne, and raspberry. It was so strong and warm but he couldn’t, Phil was a boy and his step father didn’t like it.

Dan stumbled out of the shower with a towel from the towel rack in the bathroom around his waist and went to his bedroom. He dressed quickly in a big blue sweatshirt and sleeping shorts his mother had gotten him before she died.

He knelt down next to the open bible, two candles, and crucifix on the little table in his room and prayed. He prayed on his mother’s grave, he prayed on his step fathers jail time, he prayed on Phil, that god would forgive him for the sins he has committed.

The bible even said that no man should lay with a man that he would a woman. His step father made sure he learnt that and remembered it.

Dan could smell his scent on his skin and it bothered him because it smelt so good and no matter how long and how hard he prayed, his knees digging into the dying oak for a floor, he was still a sinner.

His floorboards creaked sadly under his knees as he shifted, his thighs and arms were red and angry and screaming to not have cloth against it. But Dan only refused and hissed at the sensation, purposely laying on his stomach that night.

He was out like a dying light.


Chapter Text

His skin was raw, still, and scarred like all... hell. Dan woke up with his cheeks crusted over from his tears last night, and his skin burning and screaming just as loudly as it did when he rubbed at it.

Dan bent down, on his knees, in front of the Bible on the small dresser in his room and clasped his hands together tightly. His lips moved quickly in whispered prayers, “My heart, O God, is steadfast, my heart is steadfast; I will sing and make music. Awake, my soul! Awake, harp and lyre! I will awaken the dawn. I will praise you, Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

And that is how his day began; a prayer, his coffee, and a single thought about Phil...

Raspberry and cologne.

His day also begun with church, where he greeted the priest kindly and sat at the front (where he sat with Phil that following night) and quietly listened to the beautiful choir with his ankles crossed lazily.

”Now, Phil, I know you don’t like his church but please at least be attentive with me. God is always watching”

Dan perked up and looked over to see Phil, sour faced and messy looking, being dragged by his mother, who was in a pretty dark brown colored dress. The brunette snickered quietly to himself before blushing when Phil sat so close to him he could feel his thigh on his own.

Dan was going to have to pray so hard tonight.

Phil smirked and crossed his legs one over the other, arm around dans to “keep balance”.

”How're you doing princess? You look good today.”

Dans cheeks exploded like a flare of color at the sentence, his voice was quiet, a little scared if anyone would hear.

“Ah, ‘m good... thank you”

The brunette sat there, rigid, as he felt Phil’s leg against his own. Dan was going to have to scrub his skin again.

but it felt so good, Dan couldn’t even hear the sermons and the choir over his own thoughts which raged angrily in his mind. He knew that, when the day dies and when the sun shrinks back into the atmosphere, the brunet would go home and still have thoughts of this... unholy but beautiful man.

”This is boring,” Phil leaned in close and Dan froze, feeling the hot, sinful breath against his neck. It tickled him. “Want to ditch?”

Dan but his lips and shook his head, he whispered back. “No, god is watching me, I have to stay here till the end”

Phil grunted and nodded, understanding. He sat up straighter and moved further away from Dan.

It felt mildly like a rejection but shouldn’t that make the brunet... happy? It should, but it didn’t, it hurt him, like an arrow to the heart, or a gunshot to his stomach, or a beating from his step father.

So he moved further away as well, closer to the nice mother who held her sleeping newborn in her arms. She cooed to him softly and smiled up at Dan. 

“Good morning, dear. How’re you?”

Dan smiled.

”I’m good, and you?”


The mother frowned and looked at Dan in the eyes, “Lying is a sin.” Then, as if she realized her mistake, quickly then said,” I’m good, thank you”

and then went back to listening to the sound of the kids and young teenagers sing;





Your only Son no sin to hide 



But You have sent Him from Your side 



To walk upon this guilty sod



And to become the Lamb of God.

  Oh Lamb of God sweet Lamb of God



I love the holy Lamb of God 



Oh wash me in His precious blood



My Jesus Christ the Lamb of God.”


The ceremony was over, as the organ music stopped playing, and people rose from the old wooden benches in unison and waited to find a place in line to file out the door.




Walk quicker! Walk quicker! Jesus Christ, please walk quicker! 


Dan sped walk down the cobbled walkway but much to his avail, and beating heart, Phil had stopped him with a gentle grabbing of his hand.


”Dan! Come out with me today? For lunch?”


The brunet hissed quickly and ripped his hand free, glaring at Phil.


”I don’t think you should be talking to me, Phil! Your mom!”


”Like I give a shit,” Dan gasped and spluttered at him pathetically not to swear. “Really, Dan I don’t care. It’s not like she can do anything, what is she going to do? Hit me?” 


Phil started to laugh but Dan didn’t but upon realizing his mistake stopped and with wide, scared eyes, stared at the shorter boy. 


“Shit– Dan! I’m so sorry, I forgot, oh my god I’m so sorry—“


”Maybe you should watch what you say.”


Phil groaned and walked quicker to catch up with Dan who, though short, walked very quickly.


”Dan! Dan, please! I didn’t mean it in that way I’m sorry I made a stupid joke– it shouldn’t have even been a joke I’m sorry I just want to take you out to a diner,” Dan stopped and turned around. His cheeks and ears where red as the stop sign they were stopped at. Phil looked down at him with pleading eyes. “I think you’re beautiful”


He let the last word; beautiful, roll off of his tongue like a prayer. It was soft, breathy, and made Dans heart echo in his ears like a shot gun.


The punk looked pleadingly at him one more time, “Please?”




The smile that came from Phil; his crooked teeth, the way his blue eyes became brighter than any blue sky, the way the corners of his eyes crinkled from how wide his smile was. It made it worth it, totally. Dan didn’t even care how much he’d hate himself after, as long as it got that smile... god, everything was worth it then.




Chapter Text

Phil let Dan go home and get ready; change, brush his curls, freshen up, that kinda stuff. While Phil, completely ready, waited in the living room respectfully.

Dan rushed himself and quickly threw on his nicest shirt which was a white, off the shoulder, knitted sweater. He was sure it was a women’s shirt that was loosely tucked into mom jeans, that were rolled up at the ankles, with cutesy frilly socks and “evil crybaby” Mary Janes that Dan had found somewhere online. 

He spritzed himself quickly with something of a fruitier smell and then rushed downstairs.

”I’m done—“

”You look beautiful!”

Dan blushed and mumbled a quick ‘thank you’ before Phil linked their arms and led the brunet out the door and down the street. They walked slowly, taking in the beautiful flowers from neighbors’ yards, still arm in arm.


The punk brought them both to a small diner that looked ten times too small. Dan, still, though the place was tiny, thought it was cute and loved it. The food was great, the service was fantastic, and Phil was a gentleman; he opened he door for Dan, let Dan order first, listened closely to when he spoke.

It was sweet and made the brunet’s heart flutter endlessly.

The date didn’t last long though because both of the boys were hungry and scarfed down their food while occasionally sending eachother looks and giggles and chuckles from across the small table.

Paramore played softly over the diner speakers; Still Into You making everyone bob their heads.

”You like Paramore?”

Dan looked up from his food with his eyebrows furrowed before he nodded, “I do, you do as well?”

”Yeah! I think they’re cool”

Dan snickered behind his hand and nodded. The punk leaned foward and placed his head on both of his hands and stared at the boy in front of him, expressionless.

”What other artists do you like?”

Dan bit his lip and looked everywhere but Phil’s eyes which were so close (he was so close).

”I-I like Muse a lot... a-and The Gorillaz... I think um,” Dan coughed awkwardly and hid his blushing face behind his hand. “I think Britney spears is cool too.”

The man in front of him stared for a few seconds before bursting into uncontrollable laughter. Phils hands gripped at the table and his eyes were squeezed shut like it was the funniest thing he’s ever heard. Dan even thought he saw his tongue poke out of his mouth when he was laughing.

It was cute though, he wouldn’t disagree on that.

”Britney Spears?! Y-You say these great artists and then come up with Britney Spears?!” He laughed loudly again while the brunet fake pouted, crossing his arms together.

”I think Britney Spears is a great artist. Have you ever heard of Toxic?”






Dan nodded.

”You mean the,” he paused for a second. “‘Awh baby can’t you see’ song?”

Dan snickered and nodded again.

”Yes, but you’re doing it wrong it’s ‘Mm baby can’t you’. You have to sound like you’re about to have an orgasm”

Phil laughed loudly again and nodded, getting ready to redeem himself.



”Oh come on! How come you can do it so well?!”

”Maybe I’ve had more orgasms then you”

Phils eyes squinted at Dan who blushed and picked at his food awkwardly.

”Maybe so, but you do it too well!”

Dan blushed harder and shrugged nonchalantly before Phil continued, eyes still narrowed, “I think you’ve had practice”

”And what if I had”

”Then I’d call you a cheater.”

The brunet gaped and watched Phil chuckle to himself, “I do not cheat! I’ll have you know that I used to sing in the church choir when I was younger and I was very good!”

”Okay! Okay!” Phil gasped out, “I believe you! Just please don’t moan like that again!”

Dan rose an eyebrow and smirked.

”What if I did?” Phil mimicked his movements and leaned in closer. 

“Then I’d have to find a way to make you moan because of me, now wouldn’t  I darling?”

Dan, now pretty turned on and wide eyed, felt helpless and couldn’t do a thing but nod, speechless.

It brought a smirk to Phils face.

Phil walking Dan home was eventful. 

It was a lot of awkward sexual tension that made Dan want to crawl under his bed covers and never escape, and Phil well...

Lets just say God wouldn’t approve of it.

”I had a great time today”

Dan nodded and played with his fingers, “I did too... thank you for asking me to come”

Phil smiled, “Thank you for agreeing.”

The two both stood In silence as they watched eachother, pink dancing on their cheeks.

”You know I—

“I just wanted to say—“

They both stared and then blushed harder.

”Oh please go first.” Phil nodded at Dans words and took a deep breath.

”You already have my phone number, right?”

The brunet nodded slowly and quickly opened his phone, looking into his contacts to see he untouched name of the punk, and showing Phil. The ebony haired man smiled. 

”I’ll see you tomorrow then, in person, I mean, I plan of messaging you later or after if-if that doesn’t bother you?”

Dan smiled and shook his head, moving closer to Phil.

”No it doesn’t bother me at all! I— can I do something?”

”Yeah? What is it?”

Dan moved closer to the taller man and with a quick, nervous movement, stood on his tip toes and kissed Phils cheek.

The punk let out the smallest of sounds and stood there confused and frozen.

He definitely did not expect that

If he got that reward out of Dan then he’d take him out to that diner all the time. 

“Thank you.”

Dans hand lingered on Phils arm for the briefest of moments before he slowly walked back up into his small, cutesy house away from Phil.

To: Danny

From: Phil

I can’t wait to see you in the house of god ^-^

Chapter Text

Dans house was lonely without anyone but himself in it. Yes, it was on the smaller side, seeing as his family was never the largest, but with one person in it? It was humongous now.

The brunet waddled around in underwear and large sweaters and t-shirts with fuzzy, cat socks clad to his feet. 

His new life was... odd.

He could always contact his father... his real one at least, but he wouldn’t pick up the phone for Dan. He wouldn’t want anything to do with him...

Dan frowned and bit his lip while he sat himself down on the couch.

Sometimes... he thought that he could still hear his mom laughing with ease while she washed the dishes and cooked in the kitchen. Like every other day where she was cheery, light, happy

Sometimes Dan thought he could still see his mom, and step father happy kissing while the three of them watched a cheesy romcom at midnight in the living room. 

Sometimes... Dan felt that everything was his fault; that he was the cause of his mother’s car accident, that he was he cause of his step father turning on him for his mother’s death, for his real father leaving him and his mother on their own.

A tear slipped out of the brunets eye and he picked up his phone before any more bad thoughts can come to him.

To: Philly

From: Danny

Hey :(

He and Dan have been talking for a few weeks now and they’ve become closer and closer and closer.

Phil went over his house more often and Phil even introduced Dan to his mom who, was very nice and was way better then all the times he had saw her in the church.

Dan was slowly coming to terms with that fact that he might not like girls. It was still a sticky subject for him to tread on but with Phil... it was easier to walk.

To: Danny

From: Philly

Whats wrong sugarplum?


To: Philly

From: Danny

Just feeling down... stupid stuff 


To: Danny

From: Philly

Hey! Nothing is stupid if it’s making you sad!! I’m coming over >:( 


To: Philly

From: Danny

See u l8r xoxo


To: Danny

From: Philly

... Die xo


Wih Phil, it was easier to walk.

The crucifix’s in Dans house were all taken down and put away in a box; Phil thought they were to “Exorcist-y” and Dan thought they brought up bad memories so they both took the down. They played Britney Spears while Dan stood on a kitchen chair to reach the doorway Crucifix’s, and Phil stood next to him with the box labeled ‘God’ staring up at the swaying, goofy brunet with adoration.

They had both come out of their shell as they became closer.

Dan became more... himself; more open and less hurt-filled. Wore skirts, contrary to Phils request, and, as recommended by the lovely employee at the store, ladies lingerie (which Phil didn’t know about).

Phil became more softer; he still flittered a lot, maybe more, but it was as if Dan made him a genuinely better person. He wouldn’t disagree on it though.



When Phil arrived at Dans house about 25 minutes later he came with a blanket, chocolate, and himself. He stood at the front door with a goofy smile.


Dan groaned and enveloped his friend in his arms, a small ‘oomph’ coming from Phil. He giggled quietly and pulled away, stepping aside to let the punk in.

The brunet was still dressed in an oversized sweater and tiny, thin booty short (with of course the infamous lace panties), and what Phil thought were the cutest bunny slippers.

”Do not call me that!”

”It’s your caller ID number!”

They laughed and Phil quickly turned on the tv and set down what he had brought while dan shut and locked the door. 

“Doesn’t mean that I like it!”

Phil let out a laugh and grabbed Dans hand, leading him to the couch where he brought him down to sit on his lap (which was surprisingly comfy for the tight skinny jeans the punk was wearing). Phil had thrown on a Disney movie that he thought the brunet would’ve liked.

He did but after a while he started to get tired, resting his head in the crook of Phils neck and shutting his eyes. The small breaths from the pastel boy made Phil shudder and pick up the small, light boy, placing him on the couch.

”Goodnight,” Phil leaned down and kissed Dans forehead lightly, lingering longer then he would for just a friend, “Danny.”

Chapter Text

Religion was like an escort; some people didn’t mind it, some people despised it, some people supported it, and some people were fully against it.

Dan woke up wrapped in Phil’s warm embrace; their legs tangled together, their arms locked around the other. Dans head was on Phil’s chest and he breathed lightly, fingers dancing across the naked area.

Phils eyes opened and he looked down at the brunette who blinked slowly. 

”Goodmorning, princess.”

Dan looked up and his big, brown eyes looked into Phil’s own icy, blue ones. He grinned, pushing himself up and sitting on his legs, rubbing at his eyes as his shirt bounced wih his movements. He was naked under the oversized shirt (which covered his bottom) but Phil didn’t know that.

”Mm,” he moaning, stretching out his arms wide. “Morning”

And the morning started like that, followed by Dan and Phil getting showered and ready, eating Dans cereal for breakfast, and going to the church where they opened the heavy doors, hand in hand to see the priest waiting there at the alter, his eyes lingering and watching them walk to the front row. 

The two sat down on the old wooden benches near where the cross held Jesus Christ, who looked at them with pain and dread in his eyes, by the wrists. At least one hundred candles surrounding the cross. It gave Phil the shivers he didn’t like (or particularly want to feel).

The church held a haunting feel to it; like something or someone was just there.

Dan swung his legs merrily and waved at people with one hand and held Phil’s hand with his other. 

He leaned towards the taller man, whispering slowly. “Do you think people know we’re like,” he looked around almost sketchily. “Close?!”

Phil covered his mouth and he snickered, shoulders shaking silently.

The brunet, feigning offense, gasped and gently hit his friend.

”I’m being serious!” 

“I know you are, princess. I just think it’s funny,” Phil hummed and looked at him quickly, trying to speak quietly so . “Do you think we should be more than close?” 

Phil watched the brunet closely and watched as he blushed; his cheeks and face turning a flush pink.

”I—uh, I dun— ah, maybe? Do you?”

The older man leaned back and wrapped his arm around Dans back. He hummed and looked at the preacher who occasionally glanced at the two.

”Yeah... I do.”

The two parted ways and went home to their own warm, uninviting homes.

The air in Dans house felt lonely, stiff, and suffocating.

He sat stiffly at his dining room table with a bowl of Mac and Cheese that he had made himself for lunch. 

His phone sat beside the bowl and he looked down at it, a reluctant smile on his face. Phil was messaging him. The older man was messaging him cute gifs and emojis that made the brunets heart warm.

He wanted him forever...

and ever

and ever



Chapter Text

When Dan went to bed that night (after having a wonderful day) he tossed and turned for what seemed like forever (and it practically was). When he picked his phone up off of his charger and looked at the bright screen it read in big, bold. White letters

12:02 AM

The brunette groaned heavily and unplugged his phone, sitting up on his legs. He groaned uncomfortably and looked down at his short shorts where his   small cock sat hard in the baby pink colored fabric.

He whined and placed his palm against his bulge and let out a small whine. It felt so good, that little touch, he wanted more.

Dan sat on his butt and started to take off his shorts, one hand undressing his lower half and the other dialed a number.

The line rang for a few beats while Dan gently wrapped his fingers about himself, pumping as slowly as he could (essentially just teasing himself). A low gravely, confused voice came through the other end.

”H-Hello? Dan?”

The brunette let out a soft whine. Phil’s breath caught in his throat, oh Jesus. 

”Hn, Phil, I couldn’t go to bed and I was hard and I need your help with touching myself”

It was silent for a few seconds, Dan and Phil’s heavy breathing being exchanged equally.

”I... I can help, darling. What’re you doing right now?”

”Touching myself... with my hand”

Phil nodded to himself.

”Does it feel good baby?”

Dan fucked up pathetically into his hand, his thrusts were wobbly and uneven but it felt so good to him. His cheeks were flushed in embarrassment and pleasure. This was not how he desired his first... cum? release? whatever, to be.

”Does it? Use your big boy words for daddy and tell me if it feels good to be touching yourself. You’re so naughty, such a slut for me, touching yourself”

God, Phil dirtytalking made Dan feel sinful and naughty. Bliss swirled around in his stomach like some concoction and he didn’t mind it. He rubbed the slit of his penis with his thumb and nearly came, his loud, girlish moans getting louder and louder as his thighs shook against the pleasure.

“Yes daddy! It feels so good, hnnn, wish you were touching me. Want you to touch me more P-Phil”

The brunet could hear his friend let out grunts and small moans, and it turned him on even more. 

”I will baby, I will touch you, I want to. Fuck, you’re so hot I wish I could see you”

Dan moaned and panted. The bliss started to rise and he could feel something, “I’m... hn, I feel funny want to— want to—“ nd he cut himself off with a loud shriek as white stuff— cum, spurted on his sweater.

Phil came not too far after, Dan heard him let out a long moan. It wasn’t loud like Dans, he was quiet and more.... masculine when he got off. In some sorta way.

”Phil, I got the stuff all over me”

Gis friend laughed shortly, “So did I baby, you’re just going to have to clean it off. I wish I was there to help you”

Phil sounded so sweet and kind and Dan wasn’t sure if it was because he was so overally tired or because he was just sensitive but he started crying, heavy crying that made his vision thick and glossy.

”Woah! Woah! I’m sorry! Did I say something wrong?!”

Dan shook his head and sniffled.

”N-No, you said something right I just... I don’t like being alone and I—“

need you

That was what he wanted to say.

Phil let out a breath.

” know what, I’m gonna come over, wait for me baby.”

And Dan did, he waited on his bed like a good boy (like what Phil had called him earlier) and nearly started crying again when Phil came to his room with a bag of clothes and worried eyes. He looked exhausted, it made the brunet feel bad.

They enveloped, Phil grinned widely and kissed Dans lips softly, gripping onto him tightly.

Hes been wanting to do that. Dans lips were so soft and pure and god, so worth waiting for.

That boy was amazing.

”I missed you,” Dan breathed out, eyes soft. Phil kisses his shortly again, eyes just as soft. “I missed you too”.

Phil helped Dan change his pajamas and clean the cum off of himself. When they were done they both got in Dans bed and cuddled; sharing giggles, kisses, and love until they both eventually fell asleep, happy.


Chapter Text

“Wake up princess”

was the thing that woke Dan up early that morning. He squirmed away from Phil’s voice and squeezed his eyes tighter to will himself to try and go back to sleep. It felt too early and the sun grazed warmly over him and the sheets.

”Get up! I want to love you!”

Dan cracked a small smile but hid it with his comforter, his heart did a pleasant swirl in his chest at the affection Phil was showing.

”You can love me all the rest of the week, just let me sleep”

”No, Dan, come on” 

Phil started to kiss Dans cheeks repeatedly, letting out obnoxious ‘muah’s. He moved down to the brunets neck and sucked lightly, eliciting breathy moans and giggles.

”God, I’m up I’m up! Never do that ever

The older man tilted his head in confusion.

”You don’t like it?”

Dan blushed quickly wanting to come up with an excuse, “No I do it’s just— god is watching”

Phil rolled his eyes and continued suckling up Dans neck to his ear, his voice was husky and sensual.

”Was god watching when you touched yourself last night? Was he watching when you came all over yourself?”

Dan squeaked and shrugged, his voice caught in his throat but his friend pulled away with a shit-eating grin.

”Thats what I thought princess.”

Dan and Phil ate lunch on the floral couch; laughing and exchanging small glances. 

Phil was eager, he wanted to make Dan his fast before someone saw how amazing, and beautiful he was, and snatched him away. He wouldn’t allow that to happen though.

Dan was his.

The older man stared at the brunet for a few minutes and Dan stared back with his eyebrows furrowed.

”Are you okay?”

”Be my boyfriend”

Dans eyes went impossibly wide and he grinned.

“Really?! You want to date me?”

Phil let out a laugh, “I want to do more then date you... to be frank”

Dan blushed wildly but nodded, looking away. His lunch sat in his lap and he picked it at.

”I— I want you to be my boyfriend really badly”

”Good, I’m all yours baby.”

Dan squealed and placed his food on the table, moving towards his boyfriend and hugging him tightly. He sat on Phil’s lap, kissing his cheeks and lips too many times to be able to count. 

“I can’t wait to tell you how good you look in your leather jackets, and make you wear my pastel stuff, and we can kiss all the time, and we’re gonna go on sooooooo many dates, and we’re gonna sleep together—“ Phil cut his boyfriend off with a laugh and a gentle hand over his mouth. 

“Okay, okay stop, you’re getting too excited there baby, I’d love to do the same with you”

Dan grinned and sat back, hands playing with Phil’s black locks. His hair was soft and shiny, the brunet didn’t know how he was only realizing that now.

Phils hands rested gently on Dans hips and the softest of smiles ghosted on his lips. 

“Hey,” the older man spoke up after a few moments of silence. Dan hummed in return, looking down at him briefly. “What’re you planning on doing with... this house?”

Dan shrugged. He loved and hated this house. His “stepdad” hurt him here constantly, but his mother was the best human being (other then Phil) thatbhe has the pleasure of being around in his life. He didn’t know what to do with it.

”I’m not sure... what do you think I should do?”

Phil shrugged and sighed, pulling Dan closer.

”I really don’t see my mom as much and I’m basically just living here, I say keep it and get roomates and a job. It won’t hurt. You have two or three now empty rooms that can have some new life in them.”

It was a good idea, he hadn’t thought of that before.

Who would want to live in his old childhood house though? Other hen Phil of course, but he basically already lived there.

”That sounds good but this house would need some cleaning up, and new couches, these are pretty old”

The punk grinned and kissed Dans’ cheeks, the flesh flushed with a rose color. It was beautiful, like him.

Dan continued, “You should just live with me. It’s so boring here on my own and didn’t you mention having a job before?”

”Yeah I have a job I go to sometimes, it pays pretty good”

The brunette hummed, thinking. “That’s great, then I can get a job as well and we can live here!”

Phil chuckled and rubbed his back. 

“That sounds wonderful, baby, but you’re going to have to meet my mom and Martyn to talk with them.”

Oh shit.




Chapter Text

Dan spent the next day on his phone looking for jobs and putting things up for sale so he can get money, and empty out the two rooms that weren’t being occupied. People liked what he was selling and agreed to pick it up that same day. He sat back with Phil, looking for jobs while people came in and retrieved what they payed for.

He had a good amount of cash at the end of the day, but still jobless and he still had to properally meet Ms. Lester and Martyn. He was scared they were going to be homophobic and not let Phil stay with him. They were adults, they were responsible, they were trustworthy.

Dan didn’t know how thenext day was going to go, he was over worrying and wasn’t telling Phil.

Phil was... great. He was helping Dan with everything; the cleaning, the job searching, the posting. He was truly a partner in crime... minus the crime part.

Phil and Dan laid in the brunettes bed together, their arms taught around the other as they breathed in the silence. The TV in his room played at a max volume of 16, the family happily laughing along with the pre-recorded laughtrack that played after their joke. It was domestic and like they already lived together.

Phil shifted and let out a groan, “I know you’re probably worrying, with what I told you about my mom and how she is towards... us. But it’ll be fine, I won’t let her hurt you”

The brunette smiled and snuggled into the punk, they sat in silence before Dan  spoke up softly.

”You won’t get hurt either”

And that was a promise.

 They woke up early the next day and it started off how it usually would; Phil made breakfast in Dans’ kitchen with food they shopped for a while ago, Dan prayed the days start with his favourite passage from the New Testament. He had a few different religious books stacked up in his closet, along with other religious items that rarely got used now that his “step father” wasn’t in the picture anymore, but he kept them for his mom. She was looking over Dan and Phil, she was proud.

The brunette wore an oversied baby pink sweater and a cream mini skirt with his favourite pair of Mary Janes. He looked cute and he way that Phil held him as they ate breakfast together made him sure of it.

They shared kisses inbetween the occasional bite of their food or sip of chocolate milk (that Dan was so persistent on having instead of water or oranage juice).

”We leave in a few minutes are you ready?”

Dan nodded hesitantly even though he felt the dread of nervousness creep into his stomach. It was a nasty feeling that left him wanting to stick his fingers down his throat and force himself to vomit it up. But he didn’t. Instead he got up with his boyfriend and out their dishes in the dishwasher, grabbing both of their belongings (that they needed), and headed for Phils’ car.

It took only a little while considering Phil’s house really wasn't that far away. It was a small, run down house that was blue on the outside, barely green bushes with wilted flowers lined the cobblestone path up the the door of the home. Dan and Phil stepped out proudly, hand in hand.

”You know,” Phil started, nose playfully poking the brunettes head. Dan giggles and shouldered him softly. “Whatever happens, even if it’s the worst thing in the world. I’m still gonna adore every part of you.”

Dan nodded and as soon as he went to reply, Phil was already knocking at the door, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet as if he was trying to find something to do. The brunette watched him curiously.

”Phil..... Church boy

It was almost humorous;the odd tone in Phils’ moms voice as she scanned the polar opposites from where she stood.

”Come in, Come in,” she ushered, moving aside.

They both nodded and stepped in. The inside was maybe just as bad as the outside, if not worse; the walls were horribly painted and dried drip marks remained on the baby chic yellow color, the couches looked comfortable but worn out, and the floorboards we’re stained with liquids.

It was still a cute space, Dan noted, following his boyfriend and his mother into the kitchen, just a little old.

”I wouldn’t say I’m surprised that you’ve started to... see each other, and as much as my morals tell me otherwise, I support both of your decisions and I’d love to watch you both grow and thrive.”

Releif flowed through Dan like Niagra Falls and he wanted to thank god, and Jesus, and Mother Mary, and Abraham. He was so grateful he could tear up.

Phils clammy hands squeezed Dans and he bounced in his seat a little. He was excited and so happy that his mom seemed to care for Dan as much as he did.

She smiled at them both; her old skin crinkling at the corner of her eyes and mouth. Phil looked a lot like her; large nose, thin lips, and big animated-like eyes. She was still good looking for her age.

Phil spoke up, “Can I move in with Dan? I mean, obviously not today but in the future? Or soon? He’s all alone in his house and I want to be there for him— with him. He’s looking for jobs”

”That sounds great, and I’d love for you two to be together how you wish to be, but do you think you’d be able to financially support yourselves?”

They both looked at each other; Dan worried, Phil hopeful.

”Of course,” the punk said again, smile blown wide. “my job is pretty good pay so far. I can always just change professions I mean... there’s this cool website I’ve been looking at and I really enjoy it. Its pretty popular and it pays well, although I’d get into it for the video aspect...” his voice trailed off and he looked away.

His mother grinned and nodded, liking and agreeing with her sons’ idea. 

They continued to talk for a little while; on religion (much to Phils dismay, but he did love seeing his boyfriend so excited about a topic), family, childhood, hobbies, and everything his mother could squeeze out of them. 

They stayed until lunch, eating what Phils mother made for them which was some sort of delicious casserole she would bring to Mass, or Sunday church, or any other religious part she was invited to. 

Dan felt light as a feather, he gripped onto his boyfriend with his eyes closed and a soft smile on his lips. His head rested oh Phils bicep and he hummed, swaying to whatever music was on the turntable of Ms. Lester, or Karen as she wanted Dan to call her.


The punk hummed and he could feel the vibrations on his head. 

“I’m happy”

One of Phils hands rubbed up and down the brunettes back softly in tune with the music. It was some old music, maybe Etta James or Ella Fitzgerald, neither of them could really tell or care in that moment. 

“I am too, Princess.”



Chapter Text

Religion to Dan was a practice and a lifestyle. He grew up into religion and grew to both love and hate it. The name of god was granted safely upon him and cursed on him along with the lashings of a belt. Sometimes his skin still stung even when Phil, someone who dared not to lay a threatening hand or glance on Dan, held him at night.

But now, Religion was something welcomed and beautiful, like a soft whisper of a memory. It made him think of his mother; her beautiful soft brown locks, wrinkled skin and sparkling hazel eyes. She has the most dazzling smile and uplifting laugh that would’ve made anyone smile along.

Sometimes Phil reminded Dan of his own mother before she passed; beautiful, careful, daring, and magical.

God took his mother as another angel for the skies and in favor gave him Phil, an angel in all black who lived on earth in flesh and bones; no halo or wings, just a beating heart and eyes as blue as the waters god created for them.

Dan laid in Phils arms that night, smiling dorkily at him as he felt the slow rising breaths of the punk. They were both almost half named and closer then one can imagine. Skin to skin.

They loved each other, but hadn’t said it yet.

They knew they loved the other in the way they’d kiss, or hold each other, or the way they’d playfully push each other after one would make a stupid inappropriate joke, or how they’d sneer at the other when they weren’t able to pay for something even when it was their time to pay and oh my god Phil just let me pay please. 

Stupid stuff made them realize their true feelings for each other, although it was obvious before. They’d come around though and get over the scary, nervous feeling of it; man up and tell the other they loved them. 

Phil loved him from his head to his toes, to his stupid frizzy curls to his cherry-sweet childhood and deep dimple. Dan felt just the same though, from Phil’s recovering mother who tried her hardest and loved her children with every fiber of her being to his shit eating grin he’d have when he was right.

”You know, you should show me some music,” Dan started, sitting up in their bed. Phil watched him but remained laying down. “I don’t like listening to only Christian music... or stuff from the 70s, although if we get married I want the carpenters to play at our wedding”

Phil snickered into his hand, an amusing glint in his eyes. “The Carpenters? My god babe, are you 60?”

Dan let out a loud gasp and playfully hit him, earning laughs from him.

”I love The Carpenters! My mom used to listen to them with me! You’ll like them, I’ll force you to”

”Okay, okay, I’ll listen to them and you’ll listen to my stuff, deal?”

Dan looked at Phils’ outstretched hand with uncertainty but shook it with a smile, “Done, deal”

Who knew five years was a long time, and who knew you could remain so happy in five years? Definitely not Dan or Phil.

they remained in Dans’ mothers house and cleaned it up a lot; changing the furniture, painting the walls, replacing broken stuff, it looked as good as new. They both had steady jobs and enjoyed versing eachother in Mario Kart and ordering out Indian food.

Dan still prayed and there was a lonely crusifix still hanging in his mother’s empty room. He’d go in there sometimes to sweep, sometimes bring in a chair to read, or sometimes he’d pray under the wooden cross and tell his mother things about his life. Phil would pray with him sometimes now, he’d join his boyfriend when he was praying to his mother and they’d tell her stories, feeling giddy at the memories.

The future made Dan excited for what was to come. He wanted to get married, to adopt children, go on a million and twenty dates with Phil before he died. He loved him with everythingnin him. 

They grew together and shaped their own little family with eachother.

Phil held Dans hand as they walked down the aisle of the grocery store, he hated coming here. “I don’t know why you’re moaning and groaning over there, mister, this is your fault; if you hadn’t eaten my Shreddies we’d be at home snuggling”

Phil shrugged and moved close to his boyfriend, wrapping him in his arms, “If you hadn’t of been so greedy and just shared with your lovely boyfriend then I wouldn’t have stolen it”

”You’re a bitch”

”That’s daddy to you”

Dan let out a noise and hit the punk who just laughed in response, “Stop! We’re in public”

”We’ve been together for a little over five years now, I think this grocery store has seen us do many things”

The punks light eyebrows wiggledas if he was insinuating something and Dan blushed. He knew what that something was, “Doesn’t mean I want them to see more...”

”Can’t we do something now?”

”Phil—! No!”

”It’s daddy!”

The two were laughing loudly as Dan held the two boxes of cereal to his body, his cheeks were the color of a fire and his skin felt of it. He didn’t want the entirety of the grocery store to hear their sexual life.

Phils arm was still taught around Dan, “When we get home I’m going to pray for you”

The pink playfully pouted, his eyes holding a mischievous glint in them.

”You won’t pray to me? I’d like to see you on your knees in front of me... for me”

The brunette blushed wildly and coughed, looking away from him. He was not going to talk about oral in the middle of a store! Dan voice was small when he spoke back, “We’ll see”

And that was all it took for Phil to rush them to the cash register and out of the grocery store, cereal shaking as they ran back to the house laughing and excited to “pray”.