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Welcome to Night Vale: Unaired Episode

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Welcome to Night Vale

You know what annoys me? People who double-park their cars. Today on my way here to the station I saw seven cars double parking along the street. The drivers didn't even park properly. A few cars were crushed by the ones behind them and the drivers were even so neglectful that they didn't turn off their engines or close the doors.

Really, if you must abandon your car in the street you should at least close the doors so they don't hit street signs and pedestrians as your car rampages throughout our neighborhood at dangerous speeds.

And now the news.

Night Vale Elementary school is holding a Bake-Sale to raise money for a new cafeteria. The school board claims the new cafeteria will have tables and chairs for children to sit on while they eat, as opposed to the pig carcasses they had before. Those pig carcasses will now be put to much better use decorating the teacher's lounge.

Because of the ban on Wheat and Wheat by products there was some concern about how to actually go about holding a bake sale. Samuel Hitchkin, the Home Economics teacher claims that they will have many baked goods for sale.

Such goods consist of baked fish, baked potatoes, baked cotton balls, baked tomatoes, baked fish crackers, baked used socks donated by the Night Vale Scorpions, baked cheese, and baked volatile organic compounds shaped like fish.

Samuel Hitchkin would like to add that he has high hopes of this being the most successful Bake-Sale ever.

Well good luck with the bake sale Samuel. More on this topic as it develops.

An infestation of silkworms has broken out across downtown Night Vale. No one knows where they are coming from as Carlos, my lovely husband, has told me they are not native to our hot, burning, hellish, desert environment. Carlos said to me just a few minutes ago during our pre-show chit-chat that silkworms were delicate animals that require careful looking after.

He said that we should not worry about the infestation because it would be impossible for silkworms to be able to invade Night Vale. They would need constant Iced Tea breaks. Carlos assured me that so long as the silkworms are not given any Iced Tea, they will not be able to cover all of Night Vale in thier sticky life stealing threads in preparation for transmorgifying our town into horrifying insect-human hybrids. As all silk worms tend to do when left to thier own devices.

Whew. It sure feels good to know that out of all the terrible and dangerous things we have to deal with every day, at least we can rest easy knowing that we won't be troubled by this.

Often times, people look at all the bad in the world and forget what good there is. Sure there's the rising issue of over population, the sunlight growing ever hotter until it shoots straight cancer onto our weak human flesh, the slow extinction of the cacao plant and our new president with the odd jabbering orange parasite he is unfortunately stuck to.

But as our president Toupee said in his last speech, screaming as he tries once more in vain to escape from the malformed flesh sack fused into his hairy body, "Do not give up hope. I have been stuck with this leech for many years but my spirit of freedom will never wither and die. To give up would mean the parasite has won. Give them not the satisfaction of watching you break. Stand against thier bloodsucking ways. Stand together. Help each other. You must-"

The rest of our president's speech was unfortunately cut off when the drooling beast beneath him began making noises from its chewing hole and spreading its corrupting spores by gesturing with its abnornally small hands.

Hang in there President Toupee. We're all rooting for you to finally uproot yourself from the disgusting mass you are connected to.

An update on the bake sale.

Sales are not doing so well, reports Alexandria, the new intern. She reports that people just are not coming into the school to participate in the Bake Sale. Oh how horrid.

Now listeners. I know it is a very hot day out right now. There are wild cars racing through our streets without any care for the stop lights and a slowly spreading web of silk covering the exits of our buildings. But that does not excuse you all from not going to the Bake Sale. It is for a good cause.

Think of the children who wouldn't be able to afford tables and chairs. They need the money from this Bake Sale. I would go buy something myself but I have my job here at the Station and I cannot leave. Partially because this is my job and if I was gone then who's voice would you be forced to listen to? And partially because Station Management has been really cracking down on me lately to do my job properly.

They sent me a note just last week saying 'Cecil. You are not allowed to leave the booth to play with Khoshekh while you're on air.' And 'Cecil. You are not allowed to call your husband and make weekend plans with him while you're on air' and...oh.

Listeners, Station Management has sent me another note...lets see here...'Cecil. You are not allowed to complain about our notes while on air.' Oh. Ok.

Well either way, what I'm trying to say is that while I would love to go to the Bake Sale and support the children in thier quest to get actual seating for the Cafeteria, my hands are tied. Not literally of course. Even Station Management wouldn't literally tie me to my booth.

It's too much trouble to do so. Plus I'm actually very good at untying knots. I was a boy scout after all. I am also quite good at tying knots. At least that is what Carlos told me last night. Oh, I have recieved another note from Station Management. Cecil, please stop talking about you and your husband's...oh. I probably shouldn't read the rest of this out loud.

It's time for the Children's Fun Fact Science Corner.

Have you ever looked at sand? Really looked at it. Sand is everywhere around us. It piles up on the streets. It's blown everywhere. It gets into our houses. It gets into our eyes. It gets into places we never even knew we had. Those secret places inside us. Where everything we try to forget goes. The sand burrows in there. Grinding deep inside us. Taking our secrets with it. Lodging itself so deep inside you. So deep inside that it hurts. Your every waking moment hurts but you've forgotten why.

This has been the Children's Fun Fact Science Corner.

To combat the hot day we are experiencing, the school board has hired a refreshments truck to come to the bake sale. The truck will be delivering beverages such as Coke Cola, ImaginaryMountain Dew and Capri Sun. Boy those sure sound good. It was nice of the school board to pitch in to help.

This just in listeners. The truck of beverages has gotten into a horrid accident. Well, it wasn't an accident. It was an attack.

The wild cars roaming the roads spotted the truck and rushed right at it. So it wasn't an accident, more of a purpose. Intern Alexandria reports that the purpose has caused the truck of beverages to tip over and there were ice and cool drinks flooding all of downtown Night Vale.

She tells me that the cold has revived the silk worms. She tells me that the worms were working at a rapid pace spinning silk and covering every thing. She tells me that the silk worms have gotten her.

To the family of Intern Alexandria, get the Raid.

Your daughter will soon be transformed into a insectoid-man eating abomination and you will probably be forced to put her out of her misery before she returns home to lay eggs in the stomachs of her loved ones.

Also, we are sorry for your loss.

And now for traffic.

The effects of the purpose have flooded downtown Night Vale. The wild cars were overtaken by the silk worms and are therefore, no longer a threat. They cannot break free from the silken threads and are probably rethinking their life decisions for knocking over the beverage truck.

I can only assume since I do not know what a car is thinking. Or if it even thinks. Do I even think? What IS thought? What even is this product of electrical currents running through tiny strings inside your head connecting into different bits of the organ housed within your skull? If the cars can run on electricity like we do, then perhaps they DO think. Or perhaps they don't. Perhaps WE don't. Perhaps nothing is real and we are all simply programs with electric currents pumped through them in a manner that makes us believe we are alive and free thinking creatures.

This has been, traffic.

The silk worm swarm is rapidly moving out of downtown Night Vale and into the rest of our town. I advise everyone to close your doors and windows. Barricade yourself and do not let the silk worms touch you. You do not wish to be transformed into a part insect hybrid who hungers for the flesh of man.

Listeners. I can hear them crawling outside. The silk worms are quickly covering the Radio Station and it will not be long before they figure out how to get past the blood stone circles and make it inside the station. I have already blocked the door and sealed all the openings with tissue paper.

I do not know how long I can hold on. There is a chance that this would be the last of me. I will not be going down without a fight but I will need to focus all my attention in fighting off the worms if they get inside my recording booth.

While I fight to preserve my life and humanity, I will leave you all...with the weather.

Welcome back listeners. However many of you are left that is.

The silk worms have been stopped. In their spread through our town they eventually reached the elementary school. For a second, it seemed all hope was lost. Then one child handed the silk worms a baked apple. The crowd watched in awe as the silk worms ate the apple and left some money for the bake sale.

In fact they bought out the entire stock of baked goods before leaving. Dispersing from their swarm and returning home to whence they came.

It just goes to show you that even the silk worms were capable of supporting the local bake sale. Kind of makes anyone who didn't go feel like they had missed out. Samuel Hitchkin informs me that they have received more than enough money to renovate the cafeteria.

They even have enough to fix up the playground so that the children will be able to go out to play instead of sitting by the windows and looking outside for a half hour.

For those Night Vale citizens who were transmorgified into insectoids, it could be worse. This, like all things, just requires a bit of time for everyone to adjust. Many of the newly transformed people are returning to their homes and lives as if nothing has happened. As if nothing has changed.

Because nothing has changed. Sure they look quite different and may take a bite out of whomever is standing nearby but on the inside they are still the same people we've known all this time. Just...greener and with external mouth parts.

So we clean up the silk from our houses and businesses. We clear the streets of cacooned cars, made tame and humble from their defeat at the hands of the silk worms swarm. Life moves on and we go back to our usual routines.

Even me, ol' Cecil Palmer, will be heading home soon. Home to my dear husband Carlos. Home to make dinner together, watch the latest episode of Brooklyn 99 together and finally, go to bed together.

And so the day ends. As all days do. As all things do. Because everything will end eventually. And as this day ends we contemplate and sleep, preparing for the beginning of the next day. Because it will come. As all new days do. And with the new day comes all new possibilities. Today we survived a silk worm infestation. Tomorrow? Who knows. But we will face it together.

And with that, I take my leave. Good night Night Vale.

Good night.