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Hector the Thot Deflector

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“Hector… why do you have an axe?” Eliwood asked.


“Hector, that’s not an answer. That’s the name of your--”

“I gotta deflect the thots, man,” Hector said, dropping his axe and grabbing Eliwood’s shoulders. “Haven’t you ever been to a frat party, Eli? Don’t you know how many thots flock to these places, looking for some fuck?” Hector started hyperventilating, almost foaming at the mouth.

“MUST DEFLECT THOTS!” He screamed, drawing attention from several people. Some, who were familiar with Hector’s distaste for thots, ignored it. One person in particular raised an eyebrow, and waltzed over to the Thot Deflector. She approached him and his companion casually, and lightly touched Hector’s shoulder. He spun around, and upon seeing a woman, raised Armads. His veins popped, damn it was sexy. Those sweet, sexy veins in his forehead, his arms… they were a majestic sight to behold.

“BEGONE, TH-- n-no!”

Hector gazed into those icy green orbs. They were piercing into his soul, cold and unforgiving.

This woman could not be deflected.

He lowered his battle axe immediately, cowering in fear. She flicked her green hair out of her face and huffed. She narrowed her eyes at Eliwood, who shrugged.

“Hector, did you have to bring Armads? Can’t you go one day without screaming about thots?” Lyn asked, and then added, “besides, just because a woman wants to be flirty or have sex, it doesn’t mean she’s a thot.” Hector shook his head shamefully. While he respected women, he really does not like thots.

“You’re right. I should just ignore them,” Hector said. Eliwood and Lyn sighed in relief, grinning at each other. “But if any thot talks to me, I’m using Armads.” His eyes went dark as he thought about his axe. Lyn kicked him.

The night went on, and with the aid of some alcohol, Hector was actually having a good time-- despite the presence of thots. He didn’t care that Camilla was making moves on Corrin, because he needed this. It had been a stressful week, with last minute essays, tests, and preparation for exams. Even Eliwood had agreed to party with Hector and Lyn. Eliwood hated parties, but he needed to relax. Lyn wasn’t extremely fond of such affairs either, but she enjoyed having fun every now and then. Eliwood, on the other hand, only left his apartment for food, classes, and the library.

“I do other things!” The redhead protested, but Lyn laughed. She glanced at Florina, who was giggling as Lyn teased her friend.

“Like what? Make midnight trips to Hector’s apartment when you need some di--”

Eliwood’s face suddenly resembled his hair. Panicked, he grabbed Lyn and covered her mouth. She protested rather violently, but made no effort to actually escape his hold. Her work here was done.

“J-just ignore her! Lyndis doesn’t know what she’s talking about,” Eliwood explained, “I-I do plenty of things! Last week, Hector and I went to the gym-- right Hector?” He called, looking for his friend. “Hector? Where’d he go?” His grip on Lyndis loosened, so she took the opportunity to bite him.

Eliwood shrieked, which seemed to cause Hector to pop out of nowhere. He demanded to know why Lyn had bit Eliwood, but the two began arguing, and that wasn’t getting them anywhere. So Hector busted out Armads, because battle axes usually solve problems. Unfortunately, it didn’t work this time, since Lyn decided to bite Hector, and he dropped his axe.


Eliwood sighed and rubbed his temples as he sat down outside. Getting Lyn and Hector to calm down hadn’t taken too much energy, but enough that he felt drained. He sat for a few minutes, gazing at the night sky. It was close to midnight now, but the party was still in full swing.

“They’re a handful at times, aren’t they?” Someone asked as she sat down next to him. Eliwood recognized the voice as Florina’s.

“Yeah,” he chuckled, “they can be. What are you doing here? You don’t normally party, do you?” He asked.

“N-no, but Lyn um… s-sort of made me come,” she looked away shyly. Eliwood laughed. Lyn seemed to enjoy pushing people into things.

The two sat in silence for a bit, until they decided to go back in. Eliwood found Hector in the kitchen downing shots with Sain. Hector grinned at his friend, beckoning him to come over.

“Drink up,” Hector said, handing him a shot glass.

“N-no, I don’t really like… whatever is in there,” Eliwood’s eyebrows furrowed. Whatever it was, it smelled like death. Eliwood didn’t like death. Death is bad. And he was sure that one sip would give him an awful hangover the next day.

“Suit yourself!” Hector downed it. His throat burned, tears threatening to spill, but he didn’t let them, because Hector is a man, and obviously men don’t cry (that one time when Lyn kicked his balls doesn’t count).

Speaking of Lyn, she was screaming. At Eliwood. And Hector. And she was running towards them.

HECTOR! HECTOR GIVE ME ARMADS RIGHT NOW,” she roared. Everyone in the room froze. The last time Lyndis was this angry, the person who had offended her was hospitalized. And not because she beat them up-- they were traumatized.

Hector gulped, took a deep breath, and turned to face her. “Why?”

BECAUSE,” Lyn looked around, and lowered her voice. “There’s a guy harassing Florina and if you don’t give me Armads, I will rip out his dick with my ha-- oh! Thank you!” She chirped as Hector thrust his axe into her hands. She turned and skipped off to find Florina.

“Cut his dick off, Lyn!” Hector called as he followed. Eliwood frowned.

“No, Lyndis, don’t--” but Eliwood’s voice was muffled by Hector’s arm. The taller man hushed him as she approached.

Florina was clearly uncomfortable. Some guy, probably drunk, was getting way too close to her, though she tried to push him away. But Florina, too meek to assert herself properly, wasn’t trying very hard. This is why she has Lyn. To beat up fuckboys.

“U-um, I already t-told you… can you please n-not?” Florina mumbled, as he put an arm around her. Hector and Eliwood looked around. Lyn was nowhere to be seen. The two made eye contact, and nodded. If Lyn didn’t show up within the next minute, they would rip his balls out.

“C’mon,” the creepy fuckboy guy slurred, “we don’t have to go all the way… how bout a blowjob? Don’t worry, I’ll return the favor,” he winked.

“I already told you, I don’t want to! Now please, get away from me!” Florina cried as she tried to stand, but was pulled back.

“You fuckin’ prude, you’re ruining my night! I’ll do it myself, then,” creepy fuckboy growled, a hand going up Florina’s thigh. She froze, unsure of what to do. Hector and Eliwood rushed towards her, but then, Lyndis came.

She crashed down from above, swinging Armads, and effectively cut the sofa in two, separating Florina and creepy fuckboy.

“Excuse me,” she said, standing menacingly, “this is my girlfriend. You tried to force yourself on her, so now I’m going to kill you. And even if she wasn’t my girlfriend, I’d still kill you, because no means no.” Creepy fuckboy let out a small ‘eep!’ as Lyn raised Armads. He rolled to the side, dodging the axe by millimeters.

Hector was cackling on the floor as Lyn chased him around, swinging Armads wildly. “GO LYN! THAT’S MY FUCKIN GIRL! FUCK HIM UP!” He screamed.

Eliwood went to Florina, offering her a hand and pulling her away from the party. Hector followed, stopping by the kitchen to grab some water.

“Are you all right? Should we take you home?” Eliwood asked, stepping away from her as she struggled to breathe. “T-take it easy… breathe in… breathe out… breathe in… out… better?” Florina nodded. Hector handed her the cup of water.

“Th-thank you… and no, I-I’ll wait for Lyndis…” she said, leaning against the wall. “Um… one o-of you should probably go a-and… stop her…” Hector remembered that she had his axe, and bolted.

“Lyn!” He yelled, “hey, where did she go? She didn’t actually cut his dick off, right?”

“No, I think they’re outside now,” Matthew told him.

“Hector! We found her! She’s in the backyard,” Eliwood called, waving an arm.

Hector, Florina, and Eliwood went outside and sat on the porch. Under the stars, they watched Lyndis chase a creepy fuckboy across Matthew’s yard. A perfect ending to a… not exactly perfect night. But close enough.