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A List Of Gryffindor Boys’ Dorm Rules

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Normal = James

Italic = Remus

Bold = Sirius

Underlined = Peter


Fellow marauders, we are gathered here today to create the most important document of this century! 

Prongs is this really necessary

Yes Pads this really is necessary because if we have to go one more day without any rules I will have to resort to cutting your hair off in your sleep.

You wouldn't dare!

Oh yes, yes I would. Do not underestimate my frustration Pads.

I, for one, don't think that these rules are necessary. We're rebels, Prongs, REBELS! Rules are for losers like Snivellus

Sirius, calm down, please.

Fine, but only 'cause you asked so nicely Moons. In fact, I'll write the first rule! 

Why do I have a feeling that this isn't going to go well.

'Cause, Wormy, you're a pessimist. Go on Sirius, I can't wait to hear your first rule.

Rule 1: Lily is not allowed in the dorm without James getting permission from  the other marauders first

What? But Lily is awesome!

Yeah mate Lily is cool, way too cool for you... 

Very true, Lily is a goddess.

And as shocked as I am that you actually managed to wear her down until she went on a date with you, I'm happy for you. BUT that doesn't mean that I want to walk in the dorm all sweaty from extra quidditch practice, just wanting to grab my stuff and go shower, only to find you and Lily snogging up a storm on Pete's bed

Wait what? My bed, really James?!

...It's the closest to the door.

That's not really helping your case mate

Okay next time I'll just ask permission to make out with Lily on Pete's bed.

Not really the point of this rule but it's Pete's problem now I guess

Rule 2: Anyone who steals my chocolate will be thrown off the top of the astronomy tower.

Remus you can't do that- 

Fight me Black.

I guess at least this isn't an unbreakable vow.

That's murder Remus please don't  make this a rule.

Then don't steal my chocolate Pete - Yes! I know it was you! - and you won't get killed. Simple

He's joking Pete

I am completely serious, and Sirius if you make a joke I swear I'll throw you off the astronomy tower even if you weren't the one who stole my chocolate.

Yeah... about that...

SIRIUS- 

MOVING ON SWIFTLY, Pete it's your turn.

Rule 3: Sirius and Remus must keep the snogging to the minimum when the others are in the dorm.

You're just jealous Pete

Maybe I am, doesn't mean we want to deal with you two sucking faces every hour of the day.

Yeah guys please for the love of Merlin keep it in your pants when you're not alone.

Fine we'll just snog in the prefects' bathroom when you guys are in the dorm.

Or you two could just work on being a little bit less horny.

Touché

Rule 4: Robes are to be kept neat and tidy - or at least shoved under your OWN bed - so I don't have to be half way to charms before realising I'm accidentally wearing Padfoot's robes again, which are WAY too short for me and makes me look stupid in front of Lily.

You make a fool out of yourself in front of Lily even when you're wearing your own robes

Why don't you just pay more attention getting dressed?

WHY ARE YOU GUYS SO MEAN

Stop arguing this is why we need the rules; so we don't end up murdering each other.

Lighten up Moony, we're just playing. Love you :)

...Love you too, Pads.

Rule 5:  Putting Bertie botts beans in my pumpkin juice is hereby forbidden

But why?

Because it’s disgusting, that’s why!

But it’s funny, Pete. And harmless enough to not need a specific rule for it

Too bad, it’s already written down.

What about acid pops in your pumpkin juice?

Rule 5:  Putting Bertie botts beans OR acid pops in my pumpkin juice is hereby forbidden

How about jelly slugs?

Rule 5: Putting Bertie botts beans OR acid pops OR jelly slugs in my pumpkin juice is hereby forbidden

Exploding bonbons?

Oh Merlin Remus not you too, I thought you were on my side!

So exploding bonbons are acceptable?

RULE 5: NO ONE IS TO PUT ANYTHING THAT WOULD TASTE BAD/EXPLODE/VANISH/ETC IN MY PUMPKIN JUICE AND THAT IS FINAL

Rule 6: Everyone must at least try to do their homework before asking me to help them.

But why try and get it wrong then have to fix it when I can get it correct the first time with your help? 

Self-respect?

Overrated.

A sense of  pride and accomplishment?

I'm accomplished in actually important areas of life, like QUIDDITCH

Oh you heathens just at least give it a go first, I'm busy with my own work and perfect duties, I don't have time to be doing everyone else's work for them as well.

Rule 7: Animagus forms are to not to be used to win bets or spy on people except when it is absolutely necessary for a prank.

No shit James none of us would ever do that 

Really? ‘Cause I was talking to Alice the other day and she said something very interesting about seeing a rat in the girls’ dorm- 

Okay! I get it, I’ll stop.

Pete why were you being such a perv?

I just wanted to see what the girls’ dorms were like! 

Really?

So I might have been sneaking in to put a note in Marlene’s bag...

Wait why couldn’t you have asked Lily to do it instead?

Can we talk about the flaws in Pete’s plan later please and finalise our dorm rules?

Rule 8: Whenever food is snuck into the dorm it must be shared with everyone.

The only sensible rule, thank you Pete.

Rule 9: Remus Lupin needs to watch his language: I am still slightly horrified that my sweet, precious, sweater-wearing boyfriend swears so much

Fuck off Sirius, you weren’t complaining about my language the other night- 

OKAY that’s enough, I seriously don’t want to hear any more 

Rule 10: ALL rules must be followed, even the ones we don’t like. The punishment for breaking these rules is drinking an entire bottle of firewhiskey and trying to sneak into the Ravenclaw common room without getting caught by any teachers.

That sounds like a fun time though, maybe I’ll break some rules on purpose

An extra punishment for Sirius breaking the rules is no cuddling for a week.

I’ll be on my best behaviour 

Right! All that’s left is to sign this and make it official.

Signed and approved by:

MoonyWormtailPadfoot, Prongs.