Chapter 1: Jake's dad
Jake had just got down to the ground floor of where his da- nope he doesn't deserve that he's no longer dad he can be roger now not even roger with a capital letter just plain boring roger, when it fully hit him he'd just stood up to his dad, he told his dad to leave him alone until he wants to be his dad. He doesn't have a dad anymore and they is like a 500% chance he never will now.
He should be used to not having a dad but it felt different it was more final this time, he knows his dad won't put the effort in and be a dad no matter how much he wishes he would so he knows that was probably the last time he’ll ever see his dad.
He's just lost his dad forever, he's fatherless like batman except he's Jewish, a cop and both his parents are alive so not at all like batman forget that.
He decides to go to the precinct see if there is any cases he can grab probably not but he's got nothing better to do and if there is a case it'll cheer him up so he might as well see.
He gets to precinct via taxi, yes he could have walked it wasn't even that far but who wants to do that when he could spend money he doesn't have. He walks in on Amy panicking about having used the last of her good tabs and not being able to find her back ups.
“Terry I need those tabs, the pencil shop is closed and I've nearly finished”
“Santiago just use my old ones”
Terry says digging in his cabinet looking for them
“Here” he says handing over the tabs
“I guess they'll do there pretty bad tabs though I could show you how much better these tabs I have are they're super reliable”
“Just finish your thing” Terry says turning back to his own work.
Jake ignores them heading straight for the captains office.
“Guess who's back”
“Obviously it's you peralta, you just entered my office”
“No it's a- nevermind got a case for me?“
“No the only case I have left until night shift begins is for Amy”
“No she's on shift your not”
“Oh yeah that too I guess… Well have you got anything I could do then? I'll even do paper work”
“You? Volunteering for paperwork?”
“Hey! I do paperwork”
“Yes but you hate it”
“Yeah… But I've decided to… Try harder and be a more rounded detective instead of just an incredible detective at detectiving”
“Really? Well then I'll give you paperwork more often” holt says whilst making it down on a piece of paper
“No don't! That was all just lies I do not want more paperwork”
“Then why do you want some now?”
Jake sighs he's realized he's gonna have to tell holt damn it he wanted to just bottle this up like everything else.
“I went to see my dad and basically cut him out my life so I just wanted”
“Yes so please anything?”
“I'll see what I can find”
Jake says turning to leave
“I'm shocked at myself for asking this but do you need to… Talk”
“What? Pfft no of course not I'm just gonna do what I always do and ignore it until it goes away”
“That's… Incredibly unhealthy”
“But it works”
“That being so if you need to talk to someone you can talk to me”
“Why would I need to talk to someone I just cut my dad out I've never felt better except that fact I feel like crap and now have to accept the fact I've lost my dad forever and that he never loved me and still chooses to abandon me but ii don't need to talk nope not at all”
“Jake you realize none of that is you're fault right?”
“Yeah yeah totally get that yep, totally don't think it's all my fault and if I'd been a better son maybe he would have stayed or loved me nope don't think that at all”
At that captain holt stands up and walks around the desk
“What are you doing there robocop first discussing feelings then moving closer to someone clearly upset has your system finally broken? Do we need to send you in for repairs? “
“Jake you had no part in your father being a selfish person and generally an incompetent father” holt says whilst placing a hand on Jake's shoulder and Jake just feels himself completely crumple.
He fully expects holt to back off and give him a second and is shocked when instead holt brings him in to a hug
“What are you doing?”
“I thought you might need a hug did I read the situation wrong?”
“... No” jake says just let himself have this hug with tears on his face silently seeping into Holts uniform.
After a few minutes jake pulls back with a sniff and a wipe of his face with his sleeve.
“Well that was cool let's never do that again though”
“I'm just gonna go home now”
“Goodbye but Jake? “
“If you do need to… Do That again then I'm here”
Chapter 2: Amy
Ok so this was just after Amy and Jake's talk and just before holt got threatened to leave the 99
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Jake was just leaving the break room after his and Amy's talk about the kiss, they officially kissed and it's made everything super awkward hopefully it's not gonna be as awkward after that convo but he's panicking about it. Only a little though he's totally not spiralling about losing his friend over a kiss. Totally.
He looked over towards holts office Gina sat at her desk and holt at his both doing what they normally do. Which for holt is work and Gina is not work. He does wonder sometimes how come holt likes Gina so much then he realizes that Gina's Gina and pretty much everyone likes her and is scared of her holt included apparently.
He remembers holt telling him last time he was this emotional that if he needed to talk again he could so he decided screw it heading straight for holts office passing Gina without even a hello, not that it makes a difference she wouldn't respond even if he did say hello.
He got in to holt sat still doing his work not even looking up
“Hey capt’n so how you doing?” he hadn't realized how awkward this would be he was just spiralling and couldn't go to Charles because he's still in a panic, didn't dare go to Rosa cause she'd probably just punch him or something and nobody else was even here.
“What's wrong peralta you're doing the look you get when you want something”
“I have a look? Oh what is it? Nope getting side tracked so you know how you said a while back if I ever needed to talk again I could? And how you probably were hoping I'd never take you up on it but I thought I might as well as I really need to talk. Wellllllllllllll yeah” at this holt took his glasses off placing them on his desk alongside with his pen.
“What's wrong is it your father again?”
“No it's about Amy just… WeWe kissed in this mission and it made it super awkward when we got back and just I don't wanna lose her as a friend what if it becomes too awkward and she moves precincts or or what if she stops working cases with me or-”
“OK I'm going to stop you there- you and Santiago are a great team and she's not gonna hate you if it becomes awkward”
“But how do you know that”
“Because I'd like to say by now I know both of you fairly well”
“Yeah I'm just worried about it is all” he decides to sit down his legs were feeling weird anyway
“Well don't be Santiago isn't going anywhere”
“Now I really do have to finish this paperwork so is that all or?”
“Yeah that was it thanks captain sorry for just dumping all my problems on you I should probably get a therapist tbh but why do that when I could just not deal with it all hey?”
“I would strongly recommend getting a therapist instead of ‘not dealing’”
“My doors always open if you need to talk. I mean metaphorically not literally my door is often closed”
“I gathered but thanks captain”
I'm sure Ive made mistakes so yeah.... Well anyway thanks to graytheglowinggay for the comment it motivated me to write the next chapter so kudos to you!
Chapter 3: Florida
So this is a week into witness protection also I know nothing except what the show showed about witness protection so.....
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
OK his name is Larry he lives in… Florida ergh why Florida, Florida sucks ergh but anyway moving on his neighbour is greg who he barely speaks to, he doesn't have a job but he does have a hot tub so that's cool at least. What's he saying nothing's cool about this he just wants to go home see Amy, work a case see the rest of the gang. You know be Jake peralta but no he's gotta be Larry who's got a stupid hot tub and nothing else.
He's sat in Larry's bedroom which whilst way bigger than his is just so… Empty. It has nothing of his it's all Larry's stuff even the clothes aren't his, the dvd's nothings his. He has nothing.
He wishes he still had die hard as at least It would cheer him up a bit well more like distract him and make him super excitable but it would be better than this Emptiness he feels right now.
He feels so hollowed out and just like he's being broken to fit a mold and it all just sucks so much, he doesn't regret helping Kyle because he needed to do that and it made holt proud but he just hates it here it's so different. wrong.
He decides to go over to ho-greg's house to see how he's doing- they not meant to spend too much time together that people notice but it's night and he's spiralling and just needs something of his life back and Holts the only thing he has left.
“Hey Greg I was wondering if you could help me with something super important so I'm just gonna come right in”
“What's wrong Larry?”
“I'm spiralling just I hate this, I hate being stupid Larry with his stupid hot tub and stupid clothes and stupid dvd's that don't even include die hard, like who doesn't have die hard?!??”
“It's so good to hear my name, it's only been a week and I already can't cope honestly just why did it have to be Florida, why could we be friends why do we have to not talk to each other like come on they've taken everything”
“Yes peralta but it's so we don't die”
“Well right now I'd prefer to die free”
“Yes I know I don't wanna die but I want my life back”
“You think I don't? “
“No just… Your so much better at dealing with this than me you've already found a running group and are looking for jobs and I just can't”
“You do realize this isn't going to be forever? You'll be jake again”
“I know but I just wanna scream because I can't be Larry I'm too jake you can be greg and holt somehow”
“You'll figure it out just give yourself time”
“Yeah your right but I'm buying die hard tomorrow I don't care what the rules are I need die hard in my life”
“I'd expect nothing less larry”
“No problem happy to help my neighbours”
“Well if you ever need me to return the favor you know where I am”
“Of course Larry I'd go straight to you”
“I am really sorry to always go to you with my problems though captain”
“You don't need to be jake”
Right I'm really unsure about this chapter but I hope you like it anyway
OK he's finally back out of prison (3rd day of freedom) after all the horrible nightmare inducing things, the cannibal friend trying to bite him, the dude wanting to kill him, holding and just waiting to be killed yep fun times but he's finally out and totally ready to start working.
Well nearly ready to start working.
OK not at all ready to start working but fake it till you make it right? That totally applies here doesn't it? Never mind the fact that he's still slightly on edge all the time waiting to be attacked and still can't quite believe he managed to escape just before being killed.
He was just waiting to die in there like literally he couldn't do anything to stop it, he just had to sit and wait. But he escaped so that doesn't matter any more he just needs to compartmentalize (see he knows big words!) it like he does all the other things that have happened to him.
Recently he's been a lot less successful with that though opting to talk about it all with Holt which has actually been working better, despite the fact that talking's horrible and he’d rather not do it Holt's surprisingly good to talk to he's just very calm and…. Well the only way to describe it is Holt like.
He's wondering whether he should go talk to him again like every other time or if he should just suck it up and deal with it when there's a knock at the door.
“captain sir good to see you”
“Peralta I came by to… Check up on you and see how you were doing”
“yeah yeah I'm good just still on edge and panicking a bit also spiralling over the fact I nearly died, in jail, where I was, for ages, alone and helpless”
“So not at all fine?”
“Yeah basically, just it was all awful I cant even think up a joke about it all”
“Well that is bad then but Jake you have only been out for three days, no ones expecting you to be fine”
“I know its just… I want everything back to normal I've been waiting so long to be out of prison to get my job back, to be able to see Amy again whenever, for the food I really missed the food I'm not gonna lie also die hard I didn't even get to watch die hard once whilst in there”
“I'm not surprised you didn't you were in prison”
“Not the point captain”
“Right yes Jake its OK to take some time to… deal with everything”
“I just want everything back to normal now”
“I know but you need to give yourself some time, just relax a bit”
“Yeah I know…just it sucks”
“Do you wanna talk about what … actually happened?”
“What that jails are corrupted and I got beat up a lot, an inmate wanted me dead, I was put in holding for 4 days in which i just had myself for company and I severely spiralled?”
“Why were you in holding”
“For beating up a gaurd to get in with a gang on their orders”
“Unfair? Yeah it sucked within 5 minutes I was spiralling I had my own thoughts for company and you know what those are like-”
“Well some of them-”
“All of them”
“If you say so”
“They are Jake, you're a good person and I'm proud of you”
At that Holt just grabs him into a hug which he never would have thought he'd be used to from Holt but apparently he is, its just comforting now, no strangeness to it which in its own way is strange but that's besides the point which he cant even remember any more just he's calmer now. He eventually pulls away when he feels calm enough.
“Do you wanna like watch a film?”
“Is it going to be die hard”
“What? no of course not I've got other films!”
So obviously he puts die hard 2 on to Holt's annoyance and resignation knowing he should have specified all the die hard's with Jake.
Secretly Holt doesn't mind because it makes Jake happy, not that he'd ever tell Jake that, he has a reputation to uphold.
so yeah its been a while but hi again sorry for mistakes etc but like i wrote more so go me???
Positive. The test came up positive what's he supposed to do now? Obviously he's happy about this, he's making a life with Amy, they're married and now she's pregnant and he honestly never thought this would be his life, that he'd ever be this happy but he's still terrified. What if he's like his dad. His job causes odd and long hours how will he be able to be there for his kid and his job?
He'd quit if it came to choosing but he doesn't want to have to quit and Terry manages it with two little girls so why would he and Amy be able to? But what if they can't? What if his kid ends up hating him? What if they think he cares more about his job because he's always they? What if they end up with as many daddy issues as him?
So lost in his thoughts as he is he hasn't realised he's just outside of Holts house now but he's not surprised, he always goes to holt when he's conflicted these days, has for years now, he's even one (of five so they may have gone overboard) of this child's God parents at least his child will never be alone.
He gets to the door about to knock when holt opens the door for him before he can even knock.
“that wasn't creepy at all”
“well Amy sent me a text saying to expect you”
“of course she did”
“should we continue talking at the doorstep or would you like to come in?”
He quickly walks into the study room with holt immediately starting talking no point in not just spilling it all anymore holt nows what to expect by this point.
“it's just I don't wanna be like my dad”
“Jake you are nothing like your father”
“but you can't know that, I already care a lot about my job, I used to be a player and me and Amy have only been together for 6 years what if we start hating each other, or what if she decides I'm just like my dad and takes my child and leaves, or or what if my child thinks I care about my job more than them, or what if I'm not around enough or-”
“jake you love Amy and she loves you. Your are nothing like your dad the fact you are worried about this stuff shows it, if you were like him you wouldnt care.”
“yeah… I guess your right it's just I want them to be happy and what if I can't make them happy”
“you will, you'll be a great dad, your child will never be bored or worry you don't love them, look at how much you already love them”
“ok thanks sir”
“Amy you can come in now!”
“what are you doing here? Were you listening? “
“well you see I took a car here as I knew you'd wanna talk to holt, and no of course not because I already know your worrying about nothing as you'll be a great father and I love you.”
“love you too ames”
“now will you both be joining me and Kevin for dinner or going home? “
“we should probably be getting back we've got to go to a scan in an hour”
So holt lead them to the door wishing them good luck with the scan.
“oh just before I go, thanks sir, I know you didn't sign up for all my issues but I appreciate it, and this is super mushy and it almost feels wrong coming out my mouth but your a good dad, I know you didn't sign up for that either but it's a pretty badly kept secret so if you didn't know then your obser-”
“your a pretty good son too jake”
“thanks just gonna go now totally not gonna cry, bye”
“see you tomorrow”
Sorry about how long it took but honestly I'm just awful lmao so sorry about that.
Chapter 6: The vow renewals (aka its jake that has to comfort holt for a change)
OK so it finally happening, Holts wedding vow renewals, he knows they've been planning it for ages and that despite what holt may pretend he's really nervous about going up in front of everyone to say how he loves Kevin, and Jake knows he's gotta say something. Just be mushy and say something to help holt out, it's what holt would do for him.
Right he's going in its just a few words what's the worst that could happen? Well he could put holt of the whole wedding thing and ruin his relationship but no, no! No bad thoughts stop thinking just go in.
He knocks on the door before he can continue to distract himself. And panic himself and their holt is his suits slightly ruffled which may as well be a giant sign posted to his forehead saying I'm absolutely terrified and don't know what to do.
So jake tries to be the comforter for a change, he starts to open his mouth the closes it and realises he doesn't know how to help. He's clueless. But he's got to try so he just let's whatever flow from his mouth praying it'll help
"Sir I know your scared, I remember when I was marrying Amy in front of everyone it was absolutely terrifying declaring myself as wanting to be dependant on her when she could leave but know she wouldn't, it was one of the most scared I'd ever been but it's the only type of fear that feels good. It's knowing they do the same for you, that at the end of all this they will be there, and you both deserve to let yourselves be vulnerable it's safe. You've got a family that is here and supporting you, and you've got Kevin you know you love each other and honestly are perfect for each other so you just need to go out there and say whatever it is your are saying and know hell do the same and that fear, we'll this type not oh no there is a gun fear is amazing. Because you know when you let go they will be holding on so you don't fall. So please just go out their renew your vows, be sappy and just be happy. You deserve it."
"Thank you peralta, but I am curious when exactly we switched roles"
"We didn't I'm just… Being a good son"
Holt chuckles lightly at that
"You were definitely the most unexpected part of the job"
"I knew I was your favourite!"
"That wasn't what I said peralta"
"May as well have been, that was holt speak for it"
He starts to leave because he still needs to actually put on his suit and get the rings for them both, as he got made best man, which big hint number 1 that he is the favourite.
"Jake? Thank you"
The renewal goes brilliantly they have 2 flower girls (Terry's twins) and 2 page boys (Charles boy and jake and Amy's son) jake is holts best man and some old friend of Kevin's is his, everyone ended up near tears at Kevin's and Raymond's speech they each said they both became very emotional.
Which was slightly weird to watch but at the same time completely natural as whilst they act like they don't care about anything they both care deeply. About each other, about jake, about his son and light of his life, about Amy, Rosa, Charles, Terry, Gina and even hitchcock and scully.
About their family. He never really thought he could have that. A dad, a wife, friends and a son who all love him even at his worst. He got taught it was always his fault, that something must be wrong with him and no one except his mum would ever actually love him even then he wasn't always sure. But now he's surrounded by people who love him unconditionally. It's amazing and more than he knew he could or would ever have. It's amazing. He can't be thankful enough.
Holt is down to quite a bit of it too, just being there letting him talk, comforting him is more than jake ever had before holt and more than he ever imagined having. He can't believe he's got that and he thinks maybe roger was worth it if in the end he got all this.
A family, a weird unconventional and completely crazy family but still a family.
That's when holt walks over to him and hugs him surprising him slightly but not as much as it once would.
"Thanks for being a good son"
Jake can feel tears in his eyes and hugs back just a tiny bit tighter
"Thanks for being such a good dad"
"I know we don't say things like that but I do… Care deeply for you"
"Yeah I love you too dad but it's party time now so can we move along before Im just a puddle of tears on the floor please and thank you"
"Fine ill go talk to someone else so you can pretend this never happened yes?"
"Yeah that might help stop the water forming in my eyes that's definitely just sweat from the heat of all the lights in here"
"Of course it is jake, I believe you, see you in 10 days"
"Yeah enjoy your honeymoon" they is a definite crack in his voice from holding back tears but if he just pretends it's not there it'll go away
"I will, goodbye.. Son"
So it's finished. It's probably absolutely awful but like I didn't know what to put or say or anything which is why it took so long like how do you finish a story like honestly haven't finished anything but one shots so yeah hope this is OK and you enjoy it sorry for how long it took but its finally finished shockingly so yeah im really proud that it's finished even though it's actually awful haha