"YO, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP!" Chris said, coming into frame. His eyes had a wild look to them.
"WE'RE COMIN AT YOU LIVE FROM CAMP MOTHERFUCKING WAWANAKWA IN CANADA BITCH" as he said that he threw his fingers down like a gangster. "I'M YOUR HOST CHRIS MCLEAN AND I AM SO FUCKING READY TO DROP SEASON 1 OF TOTAL DRAMA FUCKING ISLAND". The camera panned out, revealing Chris standing on an old dock in front of some shitty island. He was real jittery, like he just did a line of coke.
"HERES THE DEAL. 22 MOTHERFUCKERS SIGNED UP TO SPEND AN ENTIRE SUMMER AT THIS SHITTY SUMMER CAMP, AND WE'RE GONNA MAKE THEIR LIVES HELL" his bloodshot eyes twitched a lil bit. "THEY'RE GONNA DO SOME WILD CHALLENGES AND VOTE OFF THE DUMBASS WHO FUCKS THEM UP. BASICALLY, IF THEY DONT GET A MARSHMELLOW AT THE ELIMINATION CERMONY, THEIR ASS IS DEAD". A new camera angle revealed all the cabins and other buildings on the island. They were all very dirty. Chris continued "IN THE END, ONLY ONE MOTHERFUCKER WILL REMAIN, TAKING HOME THE CASH PRIZE OF FIVE. FUCKING. BILLION. DOLLARS!. He was really screaming now. Was this his first time doing blow or something?
After spasming a lil bit, Chris continued with his psychotic rant "THESE FUCKERS ARE GONNA FIGHT BEARS, THEY'RE GONNA FUCKING RAPE EACHOTHER, THEY'RE GONNA DIE. AND WE'RE GONNA RECORD EVERY FUCKING MINUTE OF IT BABY!" he spread his arm out wide "WHO WILL WIN? WHO WILL DIE?! I DON FUCKIN KNOW! BUT WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT, RIGHT HERE, ON TOTAL. DRAMA. ISLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANDDDDDDDD!".
*The opening Credits play*
Dear mom and dad, I'm doing fine
You guys are on my mind
You asked me what I wanted to be
And now I think the answer is plain to see
I want to be famous
I want to live close to the sun
Well, pack your bags cause I've already won.
Everything to prove nothing in my way
I'll get there one day
Cause I want to be famous
Nanana'nanaana nana nana na na na na na naa
I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna be famous
I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna be famous
[Whistle's to theme]
After some commericals, it cuts back to Chris standing on the dock, just as hyped as before.
"WELOCME BAKC LADIES AND GENTLEMEN" he said, slightly slurring his words. "YOU GUYS READY TO MEET OUR CONTESTANTS?! WELL GOOD, CUZ THE FIRST ONE JUST ARRIVED."
One cue, a boat arrived at the dock, dropping a white, shorter than average male with brown hair. He had a pretty stupid face.
"FOLKS, PLEASE WELCOME JEREMY HARRINGTON, BETTER KNOW AS HIS YOUTUBE NAME, JERMA985!"
Jerma seemed a lil freaked out by chris's obnoxious yelling, but he went up to greet him anyway.
"Hey Chris, hows it going" he went up to shake his hand, but did not anticapate Chris shaking his hand so violently. "IM DOING FUCKING GREAT, DUDE. MAN YOU'RE FUCKING TINY"
Jerma's smile faded. Being reminded of his short stature did not make him happy.
"HOLY SHITS ITS OUR NEXT CONTESTANT"
A boat arrived and out walked a bald, stocky man in a a plaid button up shirt and coat. It was George Costanza from Seinfeld.
He walked over somewhat akwardly to Chris and said "Uh, hello, I'm George, George Costanza."
"OH, WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE, DUDE" Chris said, as george looked around akwardly. A laugh tracked played.
George spoke again "Um, excuse me, the flyer said that we would be staying in 5-star resort, is it, uh, under renovations or something?"
"THERE IS NO RESORT DUMBASS" Chris said. Another laugh track played as George looked even more confused than before. He then took his place beside Jerma, and made akward small talk.
Another boat showed up, and an even shorter, stockier, balder man walked out. It was Frank Reynolds from Its Slways Sunny in Philedelphia
"FRANK, WHATS UP MAN" Frank paid little attention.
"Yeah, hey, is this where I get the 5 billion dollars?"
Chris just laughed, "OH DONT WORRY DUDE, WE'LL GET TO THAT" Frank just looked confused as he stared at Jerma and George.
"Who the fuck are you two?"
"I SPY ANOTHER BOAT!" Chris said.
When it arrived, a short, green little shit with Dorito hair walked out carrying two suitcases. It was Peridorp from Steven Universe.
A smug smile permeated her gremlin face "A pleasure to finally meet you mister *snort* Mclean" she said in a nasally voice.
"PLEASURES ALL MINE LITTLE LADY, HA HA!" The host exclaimed, laughing at his own joke.
Frank glared at the the green gem, who now sitting on her luggage. "What are you, some sort of fuckin circus act?".
Another boat approached the dock Blasting shitty country music at max volume. It arrived and out jumped Sandy Cheeks from Spongebob.
"HOWDY Y'ALL" she screamed in her thickest country accent. For some reason she was still wearing her underwater suit on land.
"GLAD TO SEE YA MADE IT SANDY" Chris exclaimed as Sandy joined the others. She promptly pulled out her banjo and began to play.
Unfortunately, however, Sandy's Banjo would soon be ruined when a large Ship zoomed into port, splashing water on everyone. "MUH BANJO" she exclaimed in terror.
Out of this rather large ship walked out a young boy wearing sunglasses and a full suit. He said nothing as he approached the others with his suitcase.
"WE HAVE A VERY SPECIAL GUEST RIGHT HERE FOLKS. STRAIGHT FROM THE WHITE HOUSE, BARRON TRUMPPPPPP!" Barron simply shook Chris's hand, saying nothing, and walked over to join the others. He then pulled out his phone and began to browse r/minecraft.
The next contestant didn't arrive on a boat, they arrived via schoolbus; Magic Schoolbus.
A periscope peeked out of the water, frightening a few contestants. After it swiveled around a bit, it descended back into the water,and the bus proper surfaced, with Miss Frizzle from The Magic Schoolbus walking out.
"SNAZZY ENTRANCE MISS FRIZ" he yelled as Miss Frizzle took her place amongst the others. "Hello eveyrone" she said in a jolly voice. Her outfit for today was a poofy red dress with yellow stars on it, along with some hammer-and-sickle earrings. I guess she'd been teaching the kids about communism.
Another boat arrived, and this time 2 contestants came out of it. One of them was fat and the other was skinny. No, it wasn't Katy and Sadie you fucking idiots. It was Mike Stoklasa and Jay Bauman from RedLetterMedia! And they were both drunk!
They stumbled across the dock toward Chris. While Jay was just a little tipsy, Mike was fucking wasted.
"Jjay where the fuckc are we?" Mike said, slurring his words quite harshly "Rermember Mike? I toldd you we were gonna go ona game shhow" Jay replied. "What?" Mike said back.
"LOOKS LIKE THESE TWO HAVE BEEN HITTING THE SAUCE A LITTLE BIT, AHA HA" once again Chris was the only one laughing. The other contestants seemed a bit anxious. Frank leaned over to Jerma's ear, "Hey, shorty, what up with this guy is he high or something?" Jerma did not respond as, once again, he was reminded of his height.
The duo finally reached Chris, Mike saying "Hhey Chrris, howz it go-" before Mike could finish he fell to floor, clutching his stomach "Oh, oh god, oh god I'm gonnna thhrow upp" Mike dry heaved a bit, but there wasn't any time for that. Another contestant was approaching.
A big lumbering figure walked onto the dock rom their boat, causing shockwaves on the wooden structure. A few looked intimidated, a few looked puzzled, Mike was still dry heaving. The tall, muscular figure looked down at her fellow campers for few seconds and then let out a hearty laugh. She then let out in a thick russian accent "HELLO MY FRIENDS, HOW ARE YOU OF DOING THIS DAY". The figure was none other than Zarya from Overwatch. The pink-haired Giant's friendliness surprised the contestants. All except Mike and Jay, who were too drunk to notice.
Chris chimed in, "I SEE YOU'VE MET MISS ZARYANOVA, A WEIGHT-LIFTING CHAMPION!"
"INDEED, I LIFT THE HEAVY OBJECT WITH EASE; OBSERVE" she said. Zarya then proceeded to pick up Mike, who responded, drunkenly, "Puht me dohwn! Ihm gonnna hurl!". Jay rushed to defend his friend "H-hey put im down!". He tried to tackle her, but just ended latching onto her leg. "YAH, PUT THAT LIL FELLER DOWN" Sandy added, charging her with her banjo. She wasn't really paying attention, she just wanted to fight someone, as it is a common pastime in Texas. Through a series of chain reactions, a brawl erupted amongst the contestants. Zarya dominated, obviously, kicking the living shit out of Jay, whilst Mike continued to babble drunkenly.
It wasn't until Chris pulled out a fucking shotgun and fired a warning shot that the fight stopped "ALRIGHT LETS JUST STAY CALM HERE" Chris yelled, bloodshot eyes nearly bulging out of his head.
Everybody turned to the edge of the dock, where someone new stood.
It was a male teenager with brown hair wearing a suit and tie, carrying with him a briefcase. It was motherfucking Goro Akechi from Persona 5.
"I hope I'm not interupting anything" he said, using a very polite voice.
"COURSE NOT!" Chris said, casually throwing his shotgun to the side. "CAMPERS, MEET GORO AKECHI, TEEN DETECTIVE AND ALL AROUND HUNK, NO HOMO BRO"
"Oh, uh, of course, Christopher" he said. (To himself) "What an odd thing to say"
"Well I just hope we can all get along and be friends" Akechi said, sporting a smile that just screamed "disingenuous".
"Me too mister, uh..." "Just Akechi is fine" he replied to George.
"STOP BEING FAGS GUYS, OKAY, WE GOTTA KEEP THIS SHOW ROLLING" Chris interupted. "NEXT CONTESTANT!".
An obese, tatooed man in a tanktop was the next to arrive on the island.
"MEET CHAD, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS ANYTHING4VIEWS"
"Whats up cunts" he said in his british accent. That was it.
Next up came Sargon of Akkad, another british youtuber.
"Ello everyone, how we doin" he said, setting his stuff down. Peridorp got a lil excited.
"HEY *snort* I know you!" she exclaimed. "You're that Sargon guy that everyone on /pol/ keeps talking about!"
"Oh really now?" he replied, his ego inflating. "So you've eard of me?"
"YEAH, *snort* they say you suck dude! hehheh!". Sargon wanted to punch that lil cunt but knew his enemies in the commentary community would only use this against him. "Heh, yeah...".
The next arrival was FBI Detective Norhman Jahyden from Heavy Rain.
"What the hells an FBI agent doing on a game show?" Jerma asked
"Well Jerahme, I'm actually here on business. Ya see a few years ago a girl got murdered on this island." The Bostonian Detective continued "They caught the guy who did it, but he never told where he hid her body. Well he ended up dying a few weeks ago, and the case was put on my desk. I figured 'why not just search the island where he killed her' so..." there was brief silence "thats why I'm here".
"But why are you contestant tho?" Zarya added.
"...Cuz I wanna win some money too" Norman said quietly.
"H'YUCK, GARSH" The constestants all looked to the sea, where, on a jetski, sat Goofy who was speeding toward the dock at a high velocity.
"HE'S GONNA HIT THE DOCK Y'ALL!" Sandy warned. Everyone moved out of the way of Goofy's jetski, which landed on the dock, nearly crushing Jay, who was laying unconsious.
"HYUCK, That was extreme dudes" he said, doing the Shaka sign.
"I'll bet it was extreme!" Miss Frizzle said, giving goofy a high five.
"GOOFY, MY MAN, KEEPING IT SPICY I SEE" Chris said, also giving him a high five
"huh, huh, HYUCK. keeping it spicy. OH HEY I ALSO PICKED UP THIS LIL DUDE ON MUH WAY HERE" he said, pulling out a rat from his hat. It was fucking Remmy from Ratatoulie.
"OH YEAH THATS ANOTHER CONTESTANT, THE RAT CHEF" Chris said. Remmy gave little "OK" sign and remained on Goofy's shoulder.
A few of the other contestants looked confused. What dumbass let a fucking rat compete in a game show?
Shortly after Goofy and Remmy arrived, another boat showed up carrying a burly black man. It was Mr T!
"T-MAN! WHATS UP DUDE? I LIKE YOUR CHAINS MAN" Chris said, desperately trying to get Mr T to notice him. It didn't work. Mr T simply joined the other campers, his gold chains glimmering in the sunlight.
The next 2 contestants arrived on the same boat. They were two older women with white hair. Grumbling could be heard from the shorter one as they walked off onto the dock, carrying their luggage. The Live Studio Audience applauded as the two came into frame. It was Dorothy and Sophia from The Golden Girls!
"Ma, for the last time, we are not going on vacation, we're going on a game show. A game show where could win 5 BILLION dollars!" Dorothy said, clearly fed up with her elderly mother, yet simultaneosly excited.
"Well excuse me, pussycat, its hard to keep track when you're pulling me around like this! One minute I'm sitting watching The Young and the Restless, next thing I know you're raving about winning '5 BILLION CLAMS' and that you've brought plane tickets to God-knows-Where Canada". A laugh track played. George looked around in confusion. "Hey, uh, you heard that too, right?" he asked Barron. Barron just ignored him and continued to browse reddit.
"You must be Mr Mclean" Dorothy said friendily, shaking the host's hand. I guess the drugs were wearing off cuz he didn't seem nearly as wild as before.
"THAT I AM MISS ZBORNAK, PLEASEURE TO MEET YA" Chris said. He shook dorothy's hand and she joined the others. "AND WHO MIGHT THIS FINE VIXEN BE" Chris said, obviously trying to superficially flatter Sophia.
"Can it, stretch" She said, walking by him as another laugh track played.
Jerma looked somewhat distressed "Why didn't he comment on her shortness?" he thought to himself.
Another duo arrived soon after. A somewhat pudgy italian in overall wheeled a stocky woman in a pink dress onto the dock. It was Mario and Princess Peach!
"YO, DUDE, WHY IS SHE IN A FUCKING WHEELCHAIR?!" Chris yelled, somewhat suprised. Princess Peach was in a wheelchair. Her head laid down on one side, her eyes almost souless. Her face seemed stuck in a permenant 'retard smile', with her mouth agape, leaking drool which was pooling on her dress.
"Oh-a" Mario began "Peach-a got into a wreck-a few month-a back-a. She suffered-a extensive-a damage to her-a spinal cord-a. Shes-a never been the same-a since." He looked a bit sad mentioning it. Mario must still be trying to adjust. It must be difficult caring for your significant other like that.
"WELL LOOK DUDE, WE DONT GOT ANY WHEELCHAIR RAMPS, AND BELIEVE ME" Chris looked to the camera "WE'RE NOT PAYING FOR ANY EITHER. SO YOU'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO MAKE DO WITH WHAT WE GOT, OKAY?". Chris sounded a lil annoyed. Mario simply nodded timidly and rolled peach to the other side of the dock. Princess Peach, having noticed Mr T, reached out to shake his hand, saying in a slow, painful, retarded voice "nice to mee u big boi". Mr T paid her no attention as he continued to stoically gaze forward.
Chris Mclean pulled out clipboard with what appeared to be a list on it. "ALRIGHT, I THINK THATS EVERYO-" "Wait!". Chris was cut off by feminine voice. He, and all the other campers, then noticed the final boat making its way to the Island.
"Please wait!" the voice said.
"HOW COULD I FORGET, STRAIGHT FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL, OUR FINAL CONTESTANT, MISS TORIEL DREEMUURRRRRRRR!".
It was Toriel Dreemur from Undertable. You know, the goat lady? Well anyway she got off the boat and ran toward the others. "I am so sorry about being late Mr Mclean! I was making cookies for everyone, but they burned and I had to-" Chris put his finger to her lips.
"ALL THAT MATTER IS THAT YOU'RE HERE NOW, NOW GO JOIN THE OTHERS." Toriel quickly made her away to the now complete group of campers. She did her best to put on smile despite her clear social anxiety. Akechi took a particular interest in her.
"Um, pardon me, but is that fur?" he asked, pointing to her arm. Toriel, surprised, replied "o-O-OH YEs, heh heh, yes it is!" she then let out an akward chuckle. Akechi simply returned to his position, saying "I see...".
Before any other pointless interactions could occur between our campgoers, Chris rapidly beat a spoon and pot together obnoxiously "ALRIGHT! NOW THAT EVERYONES HERE, WHO THE FUCKS READY FOR OUR FIRST CHALLENGE!". He was really excited now; he must have done another line of coke off screen.
"Uh, aren't ya gonna show us where we need to,uh, ya know, put our stuff?" George asked "Yeah! *snort* I gotta charge my DS!".
"OH YEAH, WE'LL GET TO THAT" the host turned to the camera and gave a lil wink. "FIRST THINGS FIRST THOUGH, HOW BOUT A PICTURE" he then pulled out a shitty digital camera from the 90s and told them to get into place. All the campers got into positon. Mike and Jay had finally sobered up (at least up to point where they were conscious again) and so they joined the others. Peridorp forced Sargon to give her a piggy back ride, something which he detested. Finally, everyone had gotten into place and Chris smiled, a lil bit of blood trickling out of his nostril.
"Wawanakwa!" they all said, some more enthusiastic than other.
Suddenly, the place on the dock where they were standing collapsed
"OHHH FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUCKK!" Mike yelled, kinda like he did in the 2016 Oscars Half in the Bag episode.
"FUCKING PRANKED YA BROS!" Chris yelled triumphantly, laughing like a twelve year old.
On the surface this looked like a good youtube-friendly prank, however a lot the campers ended up getting some pretty nasty splinters, and Peach almost drowned cuz, ya know, she has the nervous system of a fucking grape. After crawlling back on land, Chris hyperactively began to assign teams. "ALRIGHT. YOU ALL WILL BE DIVIDED INTO TWO TEAMS: THE RAPACIOUS RATS AND THE FLAMING FALCONS". Chris then began to arrange the campers into their respective teams. "FOR THE RATS, WE HAVE: FRIZZLE, JAYDEN, AKECHI, SANDY, GEORGE, T-DAWG (Chris is referring to Mr T here; his use of a nickname to build camraderie was unsuccessful, as Mr T remained silent), GOOFY, FRANK, DOROTHY AND SOPHIA, AND, MOST APPROPRIATELY, REMY". Chris let out a small laugh at this joke. Remy, meanwhile, was unsure if his placement on the team was racist or not. "REST OF YOU ARE ON TEAM FALCON".
The team members began to congregate together. Some looked happy with their teammates; others looked pissed.
"OH YEAH, BY THE WAY, IF YOU WANNA LAY DOWN SOME PERSONAL THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS IN PRIVATE, FEEL FREE TO HEAD DOWN TO ONE OF OUR OUTHOUSES. THERE, YOU CAN TELL THE FOLKS BACK HOME HOW YOU REALLY FEEL ABOUT SOMETHING" he turned to face the campers "OR SOMEONE".
"Uh, ya know I'm glad to see that alot of my teammates are fellow youtubers, like Mike and Jay. I always liked their movie reviews, I kinda dsagreed on few of them, but they seem rather knowledgeable. And plus, ya know, being on a team with Barron Trump; I mean wow! Thats the president's son! I don't even like Trump but thats just soo cool to have, ya know, 'I was on a team with the president's son' I mean, thats just so cool. And plus, uh, I was talking with Toriel a little bit she seems nice, so, uh, I'd say I'm pretty optimistic about my teammates".
"You know, I have to say, I am shocked that I of all people was put on the same team with the 2 fucking drunks. Not to mention that little green cunt. I mean, for fucks sake, I have almost 800,000 subscribers on my youtube channel, Alright? I make about £6,000 a month on Patrion and they put me in fucking meathead central. Fucking ridiculous.
Akechi approached Norhman Jahyden "My apoligies, Mr. Jayden, but did I hear that you were a Federal Agent?" he asked. Norman seemed a suprised at the attention he was recieving. "Oh, uh, thats right. I've been on the force for about 6 or 7 years now" "I see, well I'm actually a detective myself" "Really now? You're able to balance investigative work with school?" "Yes. Its been somewhat difficult, but I've managed. Anyway I'd just like to say that I'm glad to have you on the team. Given your extensive experience, and my analytical mind, we should easily overcome any challenge presented" Akechi said whilst smiling. Norman never really had any friends, so he was happy that someone was trying to build rapport with him. "Well, uh, I'm glad to hear it. I look forward to working with you too". The two shook hands and then joined everyone else.
"I was glad to be put on team with Agent Jayden. Having a member of the FBI on my side could benefit me greatly. And seeing that none of the other contestants appear to be intellectually gifted, it appears that I simply got lucky". Akechi smiles brightly. "Heres hoping my good fortune lasts".
"This is a fucking game show?".
After the two teams got together, Chris led them to this two really shitty cabins that looked like they haven't been used in about 10 years.
"ALRIGHT, FALCONS GET ONE CABIN, RATS GET THE OTHER" he said, showing them their living quarters. For some reason, despite the 8:14 Female to Male ratio on the island, both sexes's compartment were of equal size, meaning that, despite there being 7 boys on each team, they only had 6 beds; someone would have to go bedless in the boy's room. This isssue was quickly resolved in the rat cabin, given that Remy was, you know, a fucking rat, so he could just sleep on a blanket or something. Things weren't that easy in the Falcon Cabin.
"Look cunt, if you think I'm givin' up my fuckin bed you can just forget about that" Anything4views said. He and Sargon had been argueing over a bed for the past few minutes. "You think just cuz you run a fuckin' youtube skeptic channel you need the bed more than I do? Your channels fucking cancer!". Mario stepped in. "Hey wait-a, how bout I sleep on the floor-a!". Mario didn't like conflict. He already had enough to deal with, what with Peach and all. Unfortunately, Chad and Sargon paid him little attention. This was no longer about the bed. "Well at least I'm not the dumbass who got a fucking Pewdiepie tattoo on his ass!" Sargon yelled. At the least the girls were getting along.
Peridorp had started charging her Nintendo DS and Laptop, calling the top bunk like the little gremlin she is. Zarya had only one bag, whose contents consisted of some dumbells and protein powders, one of which was turnip flavored. Mmm. Toriel spoke "Well, um, I know its not much, but I had prepared a few treats for everyone" she then held out a bag containing various sweets, such as cookies and brownies "I just hope we can all get alon-" before she could finish, Peridorp had jumped down and made a B-line to her bag. "Gimme some of that!" she yelled, grubbily grabbing like 12 cookies before returning to her nest. "oh yeah cookies" Peach said, just as slowly, and retardedly as before.
"Oh, um, here you go" Toriel said, placing a cookie in her hand. Peach slowly lifted the cookie into her mouth, clearly exerting much more energy than she was used to. She finally put the cookie in her mouth (only about halfway though), and began slow attempts at what appeared to be chewing. "Um, I can crush it up for you if you like" Toriel offered. Peach slowly turned her head and said, slowly, "nah dude" and then resumed her eating. "Zarya? Would you like som-" "Nyet! I must stay lean for competition!" the bodybuilder replied, doing her 700th pull up. Just then there was a large boom in the Boy's room, followed by even more yelling.
"YOU FUCKIGN MONGREL, YOU NEARLY DESTROYED MY LAPTOP" Sargon could be heard yelling. "OH BIG FUCKIGN DEAL, CUNT, AN ALIENWARE?! A FUCKING GAMING LAPTOP?! YOUR'RE SOO SMART AND YET YOU COULDN'T EVEN BUILD YOUR OWN FUCKING GAMING COMPUTER?!". Things were really getting heated now.
Meanwhile, Dorothy was busy unpacking in the Rat Cabin. Sophia had gone out to the bathroom, so she was talking with Miss Frizzle.
"So uh, Valerie, was it? I hear your a teacher" Dorothy said. "Yep, been teaching elementary school science since I got out of college" she responded, happily unpacking various ridiculous looking dresses. "Well, uh, I'm actually a teacher myself" Dorothy added. "Really? What do you teach?" Miss Frizzle asked.
"High School English, but I'm more of substitute" She replied. "Oh..." Miss Frizzle said, suddenly sounding much less enthusiastic.
"What is that, uh, that outfit you're wearing" Dorothy inquired, obviously referring to the Friz's soviet themed outfit. "Oh, my last lesson before arriving here was on teaching the kids about communism" she responded, touching her Hammer-and-Sickle earrings. Dorothy chuckled somewhat "Well I should hardly think it's appropriate to wear something so bizarre to teach children about communism" "Well, maybe that's why I'm an actual teacher and not a substitute like you" Miss Frizzle responded, still maintaining her iconic smile.
Dorothy was somewhat shocked at her response. She didn't know how to respond such a passive-aggressive comment. Before she could come up with a sufficient comeback, Miss Frizzle said "Oh, sounds like there some sort of commotion outside, I better go handle it. After all, real teachers are better equipped to handle situations like this". And with that she took her leave, with Sophia entering as she left.
"Hey Pussycat, you pack any popcorn? The two brits out there are ready to rip each other's heads off and I want front row seats" she said, garnering a laugh from the live studio audience. "Ma, have you talked to Miss Frizzle at all?" Dorothy asked. "What, you mean 'miss poofy dress'?" Another laugh track. "Yeah, I talked to her, she seems nice" "Ma, you should have heard the way she talked to me, it was belittling, I felt humiliated!" "Look Pussycat, I'm sure you're exaggerating, and besides you probably provoked her, you have a tendency of talking down to others too ya know". "I do not!" her daughter replied, offended.
As the two argued, the camera transitioned to the boy's room next door. Remy was busy making his lil rat bed whilst Mr. T sat alone reading book called A Comprehensive History of Western Philosophy. He appeared to be in deep thought. Meanwhile, George attempted to make small talk as he unpacked. "So uh, Frank, does our placement on the show seem kinda odd to you?" he asked. "What, that they put the two bald fat guys with glasses on the same team? Yeah I sort of noticed" he replied, unpacking what little he had.
"Are those steaks" George asked "What?". Inside of Frank's suitcase was very little clothing. There were, however, a few T-bones wrapped in plastic, along with 6-pack of canned champagne and some spices. "Yeah, I brought a few steaks, figured we could have a cookout or something" "You thought steaks were more important to bring than another pair of shorts?" George said incredulously. "I thought this was just a weekend trip. Ya know, I thought I'd come here, have a nice, relaxing weekend, and then leave with this big cash prize. I didn't expect to be on some sort of reality show. Oh yeah, by the way, I'm gonna need to borrow some of your clothes" "What?" "Yeah I figured since you and I got similar bodies we could share clothing, what's yours is mine and vice versa". "I don't know about that, Frank" George said warily. Frank put his arm around George's shoulder. "Look, You and me could go far, kid. We got a work as a team though. And part of being in a team is trust. Are you with me?" he asked. George thought for a bit.
"I'm not even really sure why I decided to get involved with Frank. The whole steaks thing just seemed so bizarre, I mean they weren't even refrigerated. They could've have gone bad for all I know. What kind of a guy does that?".
Frank looked happy "Good, kid, that's real good. You've made a good decision. From now on you and me are gonna be like brothers. We're gonna have each other's backs; we'll go through thick and thin together. Tell ya what" Frank then pulled a switchblade "Lets make a pact right here" "A pact?" "Yeah, you and me are gonna be blood brothers." Frank then painfully cut the palm of hand open, blood leaking out of it. "Alright now you cut your hand and we'll put our hand together, that way our blood mixes". "I don't think so Frank" George said, backing up reluctantly. "Come on George!" "No, that's unsanitary!". Before things could escalate further, there came a scream from outside.
"GET THE HELL OFF ME YOU FAT FUCK". It was Sargon. Anything4views had him in a headlock. For some reason he had taken his shirt off, further adding to the bizarreness of the scene. The majority of the campers stood and formed a circle around the pair, whose argument had clearly devolved into violence. "YOU STILL WANT THAT BED, CUNT?! HUH?!". Some, like Toriel, appeared worried; Others, like Sophia and Frank, were amused. "Now we're talkin!" the elderly woman said, a laugh track playing. Jerma and Norman were attempting to hold Chad back, with little success.
"I would've thought that the two British people would've gotten along. It appears that deduction was incorrect".
Sargon managed to get a good punch in on Chad's jaw, disorienting him "FUCK" he yelled, recoiling in pain. The British skeptic managed to get out from underneath him, but Anything4views managed to grab the back of his shirt "GET BACK HERE, CUNT!" he yelled. Before the brawl could continue, Mr. T stoically emerged from the cabin and walked to the center of the field, grabbing the two and separating them.
"I pity the fool who makes war instead of love!" he said, chastising the two youtubers. "As the great Leo Tolstoy once said 'In the name of God, stop a moment, cease your work, look around you!'". The two turned to face the crowd that had gathered. Many were scared or shocked by what they had been doing. Toriel looked about ready to cry.
Feeling guilty, Chad and Sargon both got up. "Sorry bout all that, guess we just kinda got carried away ther-" Sargon said. Before he could finish, Chris reappeared riding a Segway. He then ploughed through the crowd and into the center of the group "ALRIGHT, OUR FIRST FIGHT OF THE SEASON!" he yelled, before doing a few donuts in his Segway. It was a pretty obnoxious, and the fact that he was firing a desert eagle into the air simultaneously didn't help.
"YOU GUYS READY FOR OUR FIRST CHALLENGE?!?" he screamed. The donuts were getting really tight now. "Can we not eat first, I am very hungry. I feel like I could eat tree" Zarya said. "FUCK THAT, WE'VE ALREADY WASTED WAY TOO MUCH FUCKING TIME ON THIS INTRODUCTION BULLSHIT. GET YOUR FUCKIN SWIMSUITS ON AND MEET ME IN LIKE 10 MINUTES OR ELSE WE'RE SENDING IN THE DOGS" and with that, the host left just as fast he came.
"Sargon got fucking lucky, okay? If Chris hadn't of shown I up I would've fuckin destroyed him. If he ever tries anything like that again he's dead!".
Anyway so everyone got their swimsuits on except for Remy since, ya know, he was a rat. And around the time they arrived to meet Chris is when Mike finally sobered up. "OH MY GAWWWWWWWWWWWDDDDD" he yelled as the camera panned out, revealing that they were all standing on a very large cliff.
Then the episode ended.
AN: hey guys Clodd Howard here coming at ya with another hot n spicy story. sorry the first chapter was such shit I had to get everyone introduced. trust me though the next chapter will be better I swear. make sure to leave some spicy reviows to tell what you thought about my story though. thanks guys :)
LAST TIME ON TOTAL DRAMA FUCKING ISLAND" Chris exclaimed loudly, standing on the dock.
*Various shots from the previous episode are shown*
"WE TOTALLY CONNED 22 SCHMUCKS INTO SPENDING AN ENTIRE SUMMER AT THIS CANADIAN CONCENTRATION CAMP"
*The fight between Sargon and Anything4views is shown*
"EGOS FLARED AS THE CAMPERS ADJUSTED INTO THEIR NEW HOMES, OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT I DONT FUCKIN KNOW"
The camera cuts back to the previous episode's final scene of Mike yelling "OH MY GAWWWWWWWWWWWDDDDD" at the top his lungs. "WE'RE ON A FUCKING GAME SHOW?".
*The opening Credits play*
Dear mom and dad, I'm doing fine
You guys are on my mind
You asked me what I wanted to be
And now I think the answer is plain to see
I want to be famous
I want to live close to the sun
Well, pack your bags cause I've already won.
Everything to prove nothing in my way
I'll get there one day
Cause I want to be famous
Nanana'nanaana nana nana na na na na na naa
I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna be famous
I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna be famous
[Whistle's to theme]
"ALRIGHT FUCKERS HERES THE DEAL" Chris explained, taking a hit out of coke vial "AUGHK" he winced in pain. "YOU ALL ARE GONNA JUMP OFF THIS GIANT ASS CLIFF INTO THE LAKE". Peach's eyes brightened "oh yeah" she garbled. "IF ANY OF YOU MIRACULOUSLY SURVIVE THE FALL, YOU'RE NEXT CHALLENGE IS GOING TO BE TO BUILD A FUCKIN HOT TUB, OR AS I LIKE TO CALL IT, A SPICY BATHTUB". Chris laughed hysterically at his own joke. "IF YOU MAKE A SHITTY ONE YOU'RE GONNA LOSE, OKAY? AND IF YOU LOSE, ONE OF YOU'RE TEAMMATE'S ASSES IS OUTTA HERE? GOT IT?" Everyone nodded. "GOOD, NOW LETS MAKE LIKE SOME JAPANESE CIVILLIANS AND JUMP OFF THIS CLIFF!".
The Rats were the first to jump. "I'll H'YUCKIN go first dudes!" Goofy proclaimed. He made an epic run and then jumped off the cliff, doing his signature "AAAH HOO HOO HOOEY!" scream on the way down. He landed safely in the water, but he didn't land inside the little target.
"Come on in dudes H'YUCK the waters fin-" suddenly Goofy felt something brush his foot. "What the fu-WHoAH!" he was suddenly pulled under the water as the other campers looked on in horror. "OH YEAH, FORGOT TO MENTION, IF YOU DON'T LAND IN THAT LITTLE TARGET AREA, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DEAL WITH OUR SHARK: GUMS" Chris explained. "Whys he called Gums?" Jay asked. The camera then showed Goofy emerging from the water in the mouth of a mighty shark. "GA-GA-GA-GARSH!" he screamed. There wasn't any blood though.
"WE HAD TO DE-TEETH HIM IN ORDER TO MEET WITH THE 'SAFTEY REGULATIONS'" he responded, doing air-quotes around the safety regulations part. "I MEAN A SHARK BITE CAN STILL BREAK YOUR SPINE REGARDLESS SO I DONT GET WHAT THE BIG FUCKING DEAL IS". Goofy was still screaming when Gums pulled him back under the water.
"I aint afraid of no shark, I'll go next" Frank said. After getting a running start, he cannonballed into the water. Unfortunately he hit part of the cliff on his way down, injuring him. "AH SHIT!" he screamed, his once graceful cannonball turning into a floppy mess. He was basically a ragdoll when he hit the water. "*Gurgling* OH GOD *gurgling* FUCK" he yelled, floundering in the water. He landed inside the safe zone but he was still basically drowning.
Anyway, after Frank jumped in there was a montage of other Team Rats members jumping in. Sandy jumped in pretty enthusiastically, yelling "YEEEEEHAWWWW" on the way down. Mr T emotionlessly dove into the safe the zone. Remy also jumped, but since he was little it took a while for him to hit the water. Akechi and Norhman both jumped in after eachother, both yelling in terror on their way down; landing safely nonetheless.
George was next. He reluctantly stared down at the targets in the water. "Uh, Chris, do we have to jump?" he asked timidly. "WELL YOU DONT HAVE TO JUMP" he explained. "BUT YOU'LL COST YOUR TEAM A POINT AND YOU'LL HAVE TO WEAR THIS 'I AM A CUCK' HAT FOR THE REST OF THE DAY". George considered his options carefully. He had a flashback to back when he was in New York.
"Jerry have you seen this?" he asked, holding a flyer for applying to the show. "No what is it?" he asked. "It says here that they're hosting some sort of reality gameshow and that the cash prize is 5 billion dollars!". "Its probably a scam or something, I wouldn't recommend doing it" Jerry said. George glared at Jerry. "Don't you see? This could be my chance to make it big! Even if I don't win I'm still gonna be famous!" he was really excited now. "Don't you see Jerry? This could be The Summer of George!" he exclaimed, holding his hands up high.
The flashback ended and George snapped back to reality. After taking a deep breath, he lept off the cliff yelling "THE SUMMER OF GEOOOOOORRRGEEEE!" all the way down. When he emerged from the water, he let out a triumphant yell, earning the claps of his fellow jumpees.
It was Dorothy and Sophia's turn next. Dorothy looked warily over the edge of cliff. "Uh, Chris I think I'm gonna have to take the non-lethal way out of this" she said, cautiously keeping her distance from the edge. "ARE YOU SURE YOU WANNA BE A LITTLE CUCK AND CHICKEN OUT?" Chris smugly asked, holding out the "I AM A CUCK" hat. Dorothy looked down once more. Goofy was still being destroyed by Gums the shark. Gulping, she replied "Yes, yes I'm sure". Chris stuck the "I AM A CUCK" hat on Dorothy's head as she looked down in shame.
"Typical" Miss Frizzle sassily said, passing by Dorothy and gracefully swan diving into the lake.
"Well pussycat, Arrivederci!" Sophia said to her daughter, preparing to jump. Dorothy suddenly grabbed her. "Well wait Ma you can't go either!" she exclaimed. "Why not?" the older woman said, surprised. "Ma you're 83! Your bones are like glass, the fall alone could kill you!" "I've lived a good life!" her mother proclaimed, a laugh track playing in the background. "Ma, I absolutely FORBID you to jump!" Dorothy commanded. Sophia angrily relented "Ah fine!" she mumbled as Chris stuck another cuck hat on her.
"ESCLATORS THAT WAY CUNTS" Chris said, smugly laughing at the two. "Way to go, pussycat. Our first time on TV and we're both Cucks!" Sophia complained on their way down, yet another laugh track playing.
Now its time for the Falcons to jump.
"Alright cunts, whos goin first?" Anything4views asked. Everyone just stood around in awkward silence. "Well don't all get up at once".
"I'll go" Mike said, somewhat scared. He eyed the bottom of the cliff nervously. "Gonna need a little liquid courage first" he said, pulling out a comically large hip flask full of vodka. After chugging it for like 10 seconds, he bravely cannonballed into the water, landing safely in the target zone. "Guess I'll go too" Jay said, following Mike's lead and jumping in, landing safely. Well you know, as safely as you can land when you're jumping from 1000 fucking feet.
"i wanna go next" Peach said, showing a hint of what appeared to be excitement. "No No itsa not-a safe-a! We're not-a jumping!" Mario yelled, holding Peach's wheelchair handles tightly. "OH, SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT BOTH YOU AND YOUR CRIPPLED WIFE ARE CUCKS?!" Chris said, obviously taking pleasure in his suffering. Mario accepted, placing both cuck hats on himself and Peach. "Oh fucking great" Chad complained as Mario wheel peach toward the escalator "how come i never get to do anything fun" peach said, Mario paying no heed to her complaint.
Mario stopped to tie his shoelace or some shit, and Peach noticed Zarya doing some pushups. "ey big lady, throw me off" she said. Zarya, who hadn't been paying attention at all quickly replied "DA" and threw Peach at a HIGH VELOCITY down the mountain. "OH YEAHHHHHH" she yelled, her eyes and mouth wide with excitement. "PEACH-A!" Mario yelled rushing off the cliff after his wife, not before doin his signature "Yahoo!" Mario jump. The two both landed in the water, with Mario having to pull peach out.
"Hey! *snort* That was pretty cool! ThRoW mE iN tOo!" Peridorp yelled at Zarya. Zarya obliged and threw her off as well, adding another Falcon that had jumped.
"Alright, alright, ALRIGHT HERE WE GO!" Jerma yelled, psyching himself up. "AAGGHHH" he yelled, sprinting off the side of the cliff. It was pretty unexpected, given that until now Jerma had been pretty quiet. He landed outside the safe zone but it didn't really matter since Gums was still trying to eat Goofy.
"You know, something came to me while I was up there" Jerma was talking a little fast "I'm not just gonna be like the Shitty Side Character, Alright? I'm not gonna be the guy who's just there while everyone else does shit and eventually gets voted off, no, I'm gonna be a main contender, okay, A fucking Main character! The fucking producers will never know what hit em, I'm gonna be the breakout character that everyone loves, like the Fonz. You remember Happy Days? You remember Fonzie? That's me, I'm Fonzie" There a brief pause. "Look, I don't know what the hells gonna happen to everyone else, but I can guarantee you this" Jerma leaned into the camera, pointing at himself decisively "I will win the Billion Dollars".
"WELL THAT WAS FUCKIN WIERD" Chris said. "ANYWAY NEXT JUMPER". Barron was standing alone browsing reddit on his phone. "Alright, come on cunt lets go" Chad said, pushing Barron toward the edge. He still did nothing. "Come on!" he said, ripping his sunglasses off. Barron suddenly realized the situation he was in. He quickly bolted the opposite way toward the escalator. "Grab im!" Chad yelled to Zarya. Barron was 2 fast for Zarya and he zoomed past her, sliding down the escalator. "HEY YOU'RE FORGETTING YOUR CUCK HAT YOU LITTLE SHIT" Chris yelled angrily. Guess it was too late for that now.
"I'm not jumping" Sargon declared. "Oh you're fucking jumping Cunt" Chad counter-declared. He motioned for Zarya to throw him off. Unfortunately, Zarya must have been too strong, as the part of the cliff she was standing on broke and she plummeted into the water below, creating a pretty large splash. "Shit!" Chad yelled down. Sargon, meanwhile, took his cucking like a man, taking his hat and heading down the escalator. "SEE YA LATER SARGON OF AKKUCK!" Chris yelled down at Sargon.
"Look, this isn't even like main challenge" Sargon said, defending himself whilst wearing his "I AM A CUCK" hat. "We gotta build a hot tub right? I've built shit before, I can do that. I'm not jumping off a cliff though, fuck that".
"WELP, THAT JUST LEAVES YOU TWO" Chris said, referring to Chad and Toriel. "Um, I-I don't really know if I can jump" Toriel timidly admitted. She had been letting others go in front of her the entire time she was up there. Can't do that no more.
Chad pushed her toward the edge. "C'mon, C'mon" he pleaded. He was starting to sound desperate. Toriel looked down at the water below. Many of the other contestants were either treading water or on the boat. Besides Goofy of course. She closed her eyes tightly and had a flashback.
"For fucks sake Toriel you're nearly 50!" Undyne had been telling her over shots. Toriel was pretty sad looking, what with Frisk going off to College and Asgore divorcing her. "All you fucking do is watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns and knit sweaters!". Her life was basically a Golden Girls episode. "This is exactly what you need!" her companion said, holding up the Flyer for being on Total Drama Island. She thought it over for a bit, before summoning all her DETERMINGATION and saying "I'll do it!".
Snapping back to reality, Toriel remembered the DETERMINATION she felt then, and summoned it to her again. Opening her eyes, she yelled out "Okay here I go!" and then jumped. She let out a terrified cry as she fell, but when she hit the water and re-emerged, she looked relieved. "T-That wasn't so bad!" she said, laughing as her teammates applauded her.
"I-I mean didn't wanna let my team down, or anything. I mean that's why I came here, to make new friends!" she said smiling.
"She stole my scene!" he looked angry yet dumbstruck "Can you believe that?!. She stole my scene!".
Chad looked relieved "Oh thank fuckin god" he said, wiping the sweat off his brow. He was the last one left.
"WELL WHAT ABOUT YOU, 'ANYTHING4VIEWS'?" Chris said "AREN'T YOU GOING TO JUMP?". Chad chuckled "Please" he had his back turned to the cliff edge. "How the fuck do you think I got my name?" and with that, he majestically back dived off the cliff.
His fall was in slow motion. Ave Maria was playing in the background as his body fell. The camera cut to several other campers who were watching his descent, also in slow motion. Jerma, Akechi, and Remy all looked astonished by the majesty of the dive, with Frank taking off his glasses to look at him. Dorothy and Sophia, still wearing their cuck hats, pointed as they watched. Sandy was excitingly jumping up and down. "SSSHHEE SSTTOOLLEE MMYY SSCCEENNEE!" George exclaimed (in slow motion) as he pointed to Toriel. Peach had the same look on her face as always, but Mario seemed entranced. Mike was drinking out his comically large hip flask. Goofy was still screaming and being destroyed by Gums.
At the crescendo of the song he landed, creating a large splash. Resurfacing, he held his arms high in triumph as everyone, regardless of team, applauded. Just then a fuckiNG EXPLOSION occurred in the water, blasting him out onto land. "OH FUCK" Mike screamed, spilling his vodka. Anything4views landed in the sand, probably breaking a few bones. Goofy and Gums were also on the beach; guess they got blasted out too.
"OH YEAH I FORGOT WE PUT A FEW FUCKIN SEA MINES IN THERE TOO, HA HA!" Chris laughed hysterically, having zoomed down in Segway. Goofy crawled out of Gums's mouth in pain. A few of his bodyparts looked severely broken. "SHIT, PUSH HIM BACK IN, THAT SHARK COST A LOT OF MONEY" Chris yelled. A bunch of unpaid interns then rushed in to push the de-toothed shark back in the water as he flopped around on land, suffocating.
"Uh Chris, wasn't there supposed to be a reward for whatever team had the most jumpers?" Dorothy asked. "WELL THERE WAS GOING TO BE A FUCKING REWARD" Chris yelled through a megaphone right into Dorothy's fucking ear. "UNFORTUNATELY DUE TO HAVING AN EQUAL AMOUNTS OF CUCKS LIKE YOU ON EACH SIDE, NOBODY GETS IT" Chris then tossed a Molotov cocktail into a nearby truck. "THE WINNING TEAM WAS GONNA GET THAT TRUCK TO HAUL THE CRATES. NOW YA GOTTA FUCKING CARRY EM. NICE ONE DUMBASSES".
Now the teams had to carry the crates. This was pretty easy on the Falcon side, cuz ya know, Zarya could just pick up like 5 of them and then it was pretty easy for everyone else cuz they could work together. Morale was pretty high, so they started singing a song. "SING US A SONG PIANO MAN. SING US A SONG TONIGHT. CUZ WE'RE ALL IN THE MOOD FOR A MELODY. AND YOU GOT US FEELIN ALRIGHT".
The rats were definitely fucked when it came to carrying these goddamn crates. For one, Remy was basically fucking useless. I mean he could barely push a fucking door open, and they were expecting him to carry some crates? Nah man. Goofy's body was fucking mangled beyond recognition so he couldn't really help out. In fact they had to carry him back to camp so he was pretty much literal dead weight. Dorothy and Sophia were old as fuck so carrying the fucking crates was a pain in the ass for them. At least they had Mr T. He was pretty strong.
"Come on George!" Frank huffed as he struggled to push two crates toward the campground. George was lagging behind pretty hard. This was a lot more energy than he was used to exerting back home. He was very sweaty. "Oh god, *huff* I knew I shouldn't have skipped gym back in High School". A laugh track played, causing George to look around in confusion. "What is that?!" he yelled out in desperation. Before he could continue on his existentialism, Chris started shooting at him with his Deagle.
"COME ON PEOPLE LETS PICK UP THE PACE HERE" he yelled as fired a few shots around George. "GET A MOVE ON YOU FUCKIN LOSER" Chris yelled directly to George, sipping a latte on his Segway. George took the hint and kept moving.
Chris is snorting a line of coke. "FUCK" he yells out in pain, coughing a bit.
Meanwhile, thanks to Zarya, the Falcons had arrived early at camp.
"Alright guys, lets get started" Sargon said, opening one of the Crates. "Oh, you mean you actually wanna do so some fucking work, cunt?" Chad said sarcastically. Sargon attempted to not escalate the situation "Look, I'm sorry I didn't jump, alright? It doesn't matter anyway, we still get ere' early didn't we?" "Fucker we coulda got here fuckin 30 minutes ago if you'd just fuckin jumped you cuck!" Chad responded angrily. "What about Barron, he hasn't said a fuckin word since we got ere! He cucked out, why don't ya fuckin chew im out!" Sargon replied.
"Guys Guys c'mon lets not fight!" Jerma butted in "Okay? Lets just build the fucking hot tub. We're like 20 minutes ahead of the others, alright? Lets just fuckin work together an-". Jerma was going slam his fist on the crate in order to make a point, but the crate was a lot more fragile than it appeared and Jerma's hand went right through it and he got some pretty nasty splinters. "FUCK" he yelled out in pain. He dropped to the ground holding his hand, which was pretty much impaled. "OH GOD OH SWEET JESUS" he screamed out. Anything4views and Sargon laughed at the sight, forgetting all about their argument. Jerma was bleeding pretty bad though.
Before long, the Falcons started making steady progress on the hot tub. Sargon and Chad were working together on the actual construction. Zarya did the heavy lifting, and everybody else just kinda helped out. Except Peach. Peach just sat there like she always does.
Anyway the Rats arrived some time after, and everybody looked pretty exhausted. "Alright, *huff*, alright, *huff* alright the hard parts over" Frank let out. "Now we just gotta build this fuckin Jacuzzi".
As everybody began unpacking their shit, Dorothy began to give out orders. "Alright, ma I want you to start getting all the nuts and screws" "Gotcha, Pussycat". "Laurence" Mr T's head poked up "I want you start laying the foundation". Mr T nodded. "Frank I want you t-" "Whoah whoah whoah whoah" Frank exclaimed "Who the hell made you team leader?" he asked, somewhat shocked and offended "What the hell do you know about buildin a hot tub?". "Well Frank I'll have you know that back in Miami my roommates and I once put together a toilet all by ourselves" "So? What the hell does puttin in shitter have to do with hot tub construction."
Dorothy scoffed; "It means, Frank, that I think I have little experience with plumbing". Frank wasn't impressed "Please, that's nothin. Back home my buddy Charlie and I once started a Hot Tub Construction company. We'd go in, put in the hot tub, maybe bang a broad or two, and then leave with our pockets fulla cash". Dorothy looked at him incredulously. "Me and him made a lot dough that summer. Unfortunately he blew it all on a helicopter. A helicopter he crashed about 5 days later, but I digress. Point is, Hot tub constructions my bread n butter".
Dorothy was flustered "Look Frank, I'm sure you're a hot tub construction expert". She reached into a crate and pulled out a wrench. "But I think that as long we follow my directions, we should be. just. fine." as she said that she waved her arms back, accidently throwing the wrench right into Mr T's face, knocking him out, with the laugh track going fucking wild. "OH!" Dorothy recoiled, holding her hands over mouth. "Yikes" Sophia muttered, another laugh track playing.
Dorothy seemed panicked. "I-I-I didn't mean to throw it at him! It just slipped out my hands!". She held her face in her hands, "Oh god I'm gonna voted off!".
****Confessional: Miss Frizzle****
Miss Frizzle crossed her arms, unimpressed. "Typical".
Whilst Dorothy and Sophia were busy checking on Mr T's concussion, Frank used the opportunity to take control. "As I was saying, Hot tubs are my expertise. If you guys all follow my directions we can pull a win out here". He looked over his shoulder at the Falcon Team, who were nearly done. "Now listen, the Falcons got a huge head start, but we can recover, we just gotta cut a few corners". "But Franklin, the competition is about the quality of the Hot tub, not who can make one the fastest." Akechi interrupted. "Now I'm sure we're on a time limit bu-" Frank cut him off "Listen, don't worry about it, okay? Just do what I say". "We can pull this off, alright? Now, who's with me!?" Frank yelled into the team huddle. Everybody (Akechi, Frank, George, Remy, Normahn, Sandy, and Miss Friz) put their hands together and, on the count of 3, set off to build the Jacuzzi.
What followed was a really shitty montage. Everything was going great with the Falcon Jacuzzi. Structure turned out pretty good, with Mike and Jay holding the planks in places as Mario and Peridorp hammered in the nails. Sargon and Anything4views were surprisingly getting along. Chad was screwing in some shit with the pipes, and Sargon was handing him the screws whilst reading the directions. Toriel was tending to Jerma's wound, pulling out the splinters with some tweezers and bandaging him up. When they finally got the water in, Barron and Peach got to test it out, with both giving a thumbs up.
Meanwhile, it was a total shitshow for the Rats. When Frank said cutting corners he fucking meant it. The shape had turned from a circle to a shitty square so they could save on wood. After all, a few crates had to be left behind so George could keep up. Frank and George were trying to make sense of the instructions and failing; probably had something to do with the fact they were changing the entire layout of it. Sandy had to use some super glue to keep the wooden boards together, but like a fucking retard she glued herself to the tub. Normahn and Akechi were pretty competent, but putting the plumbing in was a disaster due to the lack of proper tools. Remy was going to test the water, but Sandy accidently knocked him in whilst she was trying to get free. The Water was literally boiling and Remy almost died, but luckily Miss Frizzle was there to help the little dude out. Dorothy and Sophia were too busy bandaging up Mr T's head, comically putting too much or too little sometimes. Well, ya know, comical for the live studio audience. Mr T didn't think it was funny. He was fucking unconscious. Goofy just laid there on the ground, moaning in pain.
"ALRIGHT BITCHES, TIMES UP" Chris yelled, suddenly blowing a loud whistle. He got out of his Segway and walked over to judge the tubs. The Falcon tub was pretty good, it was the optimal shape, size, and design. Chris gave it 2 okay signs. Then he walked over to the Rat tub. The Rat tub looked like it was pulled straight from a Kenyan village. It was a square, cobbled-together mess. They put Remy on a lil floaty above it to make it seem more appealing, but Chris didn't look impressed.
"PFFT, THIS TUBS FUCKIN GAY" he exclaimed, pulling out a baseball bat. He then knocked a hole in the side of it, letting all the water (and Remy) out; basically he fucking destroyed it.
"LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE OURSELVES A WINNNER!" Chris screamed firing off a party popper, pointing to the Falcons. The Falcons all cheered each other on, hugging and congratulating one another. The Rats looked pissed. "What the hell!" Frank exclaimed "What was the fuck was wrong with our tub?!". "YOU DIDN'T EVEN FOLLOW THE FUCKIN DIRECTIONS DUDE" Chris responded, pulling out a gigantic blueprint of the hot tub. "This is fuckin bullshi-!" before Frank could finish, Chris shot him in the face with a pepper spray gun, causing to fall on the floor in pain. "AGUHK".
Chris then segwayed around the Rats, firing a few more pepper spray rounds into the crowd. He hit George in the back with his bat as tried to run, and then nearly ran over Miss Frizzle. "ANYBODY ELSE WANNA FUCKING COMPLAIN?!" he sceamed. Everybody shook their heads. "GOOD" his smile returned "ALRIGHT GUyS LETS GET A MOVE ON. ITS TIME FOR DINNER".
The Falcons seemed pretty pumped, with Zarya holding Chad and Toriel up high as the champions of the team as they made their way to the mess hall. The Rats could only limp their way there.
****Confession: Mike and Jay****
The two had a couple of beers in their hands "I really wasn't expecting us to win there, I thought that Sargon and Chad would've fought too much, but I guess they were able to find some common ground" Jay said. "What about you Mike?" "What?" Mike wasn't paying attention; he was too busy drinking. "Did you think we were gonna win?". Mike thought it over for a second. "Fuck no". The two then started laughing.
Everyone was lined up to eat at the mess hall. Today's food was Pork and Turnips. Zarya's favorite.
"THE TURNIP IS THE MIGHTIEST OF THE VEGETABLE" she let out in joy, grabbing a turnip from the tray and holding it up to the sunlight. "REMINDS ME OF MOTHER RUSSIA" Zarya said, a single tear coming out of her eye.
Chef just stared blankly into the distance, his eyes cold and lifeless. He must have been having another Vietnam flashback.
"AUGH" Chef let out in pain as a Viet Cong soldier splashed him with another bucket full of water. "Please, Please, *Huff* I don't know anything! Please, Just let me go!" he was sobbing. The Viet Cong soldier just slapped him. "YOU KNOW SOMETHING. AMERICAN SOLDIER ALWAYS KNOW SOMETHING".
"Excuse me" Normahn said. "Excuse me, can I please have my food" he said with his thick Bostonian accent. Chef snapped out of it. "Take your fucking food!" he replied angrily, throwing the turnip right into the FBI agent's chest, causing him to wince in pain.
Everyone at the Falcon table was celebrating their win, with Toriel passing out cookies to celebrate. The Rat table, on the other hand, was a fucking mess. The area around Frank's eyes was stained with pepper spray, which was still burning. Goofy's right arm was in a sling, with his head bandaged and his crutch leaning on the table nearby. Remy's body was covered in burn marks from the boiling water incident. George and Akechi still had bruises from Chris's "victory beating" and Dorothy and Sophia looked exhausted, with the former still trying to apologize to the now conscious Mr T.
"I'm just so sorry, I-I didn't mean t-" Mr T put up hand to stop her. His headache was already bad enough.
"It's all his fault!" Dorothy yelled, pointing at Frank accusingly.
"Me?! I'm not the one who knocked out our best guy here!" Frank replied, pointing at Mr T. "If it weren't for Miss Butterthumbs here we probably coulda pulled a win outta this!".
"I knew it! I knew you were trouble from the moment I saw you, you're just like my ex-husband Stan! You even look like him!" Dorothy said. Sophia interjected "Dorothy, please, You're giving the guy too much credit. At least Stans taller than this cretin" she said, the laugh track doing fucking somersaults.
"You wanna go bitch?!" Frank yelled, standing up. George and Normahn moved to hold him back. "I aint afraid to fight a woman, I've done it before!". "Go ahead, you think this is my first fight, fatso?!" Sophia responded, with Dorothy having to hold her mother back.
As the situation escalated, Sandy, her arms crossed, suddenly let out "Well we woulda won if we didnt have so many fuckin NIGGERS on our team!". Sandy suddenly realized Mr T standing above her. "What'd you just say little lady?" He seemed angry. "I said, we woulda won, if we didn't have you nig-" Mr T suddenly picked her up and held her by her suit. This caught the attention of everyone else. Mr T stared her down "You should consider yourself lucky I gave up violence a long time ago, otherwise you'd be dead" he said intimidatingly. He then let her fall to the ground.
****Confessional: Mr T****
"I pity the fools who's racist".
"Whats going on?" Dorothy asked, concerned. "I was just splaining how we woulda won if we didn't have these fuckin negroes on our team". Goofy, being black, also took offense to this statement. "WHAT THE H'YUCK DID YOU JUST SAY BITCH?" he moved to attack her, but was held back. "I'LL H'YUCKIN PISS ON YOUR CORPSE" he yelled angrily. Sandy seemed unfazed. "I mean think about it, the Jiggaboos on this team didn't do jack shit." She pointed at Goofy "This one just layed there the whole time". "He was crippled" Akechi said, somewhat shocked at her blatant racism. Sandy couldn't give less of a fuck. "It just goes to show, Niggers. Are. Lazy". Goofy was ready to fucking kill her.
The scene then cut to the elimination by the bonfire. It was nighttime now and there was dramatic music. Most of the Rats looked pretty miffed to be there, with Goofy and Mr T looking especially pissed. Sandy just sat there with a big stupid racist grin on her face.
"ALRIGHT, HERES HOW ITS GONNA GO DOWN" Chris said, holding some goddamn marshmallows. "THERES 11 OF YOU, AND ONLY TEN OF THESE. IF YOU DONT GET ONE YOU'RE SCREWED, GOT IT". Chris then began to call out names.
"NORMAN, YOU'RE SAFE, SO'S AKECHI, REMY, GEORGE, AND SOPHIA" they all got their marshmallows; Remy's was the size of his entire body. "NEXT WE GOT MY MAIN MAN MR T" he said with fingerguns. Mr T didn't care, he just got his marshmallow. "GOOFY" Goofy gave a dirty look to Sandy as he got his.
"MR REYNOLDS" Chris said, referring to Frank, who looked relieved. Dorothy began to worry even more.
"FINALLY, THE LAST MARSHMALLOW" he said, holding out the last one for the two of them to see. "YOU TWO REALLY FUCKED UP TODAY, BUT ONLY ONE OF YOU GETS TO STAY".
The two both nervously eyeballed the little white treat.
"AND THAT PERSON IS..."
"Yes!" Dorothy yelled, jumping up with relief.
As Dorothy collected her prize, Sandy just looked dumbstruck. "WOW, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU GET ELIMINATED ON THE FIRST EPISODE, WHAT A FUCKING RETARD" Chris taunted. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU INBRED" he yelled as he shooed her away with a broom.
"AS FOR REST YOU, GET BACK TO YOUR CABINS AND GET A GOOD NIGHTS REST, YOU'LL NEED IT." he then not-so-subtley winked to the camera as the rest of Team Rat retreated. The camera then cut back to Sandy's boat, which was speeding away into the distance. The boat then hit one of the seamines from before, exploding and killing Sandy. Chris just chuckled. "OH YEAH" he said, turning to face the camera. His eyes looked really crazy now "IF YOU GET ELIMINATED ON TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND YOUR ASS IS DEAD". He then laughed maniacally before a coughing up a little blood.
The final shot was of the Falcons celebrating their new hot tub with a party, with Chad, Mike, Jay, and Peridorp all sharing the tub whilst the other let out a mighty victory cry. As Frank passed by, he said directly to the camera "This aint over bitch, believe me. I don't care what it takes, I'm gonna win".
Then the episode ended.
AN: hey guys if you read this chapper after reading the first one then thanks for supportin my story its a bit different than my other ones but i'm pretty happy about how it turned out. Make sure to leave some spicy reviwos for this story no matter what u put I will still enjoy it thnks :)
"LAST TIME ON TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND" Chris screamed as dramatic music played.
*Clips from the last 2 episodes are shown*
"22 IDIOTS FELL FOR OUR BLATANT PONZI SCHEME, NOW THEY'RE STUCK IN THIS GODDAMN CAMP FOR A WHOLE SUMMER".
*The contestants are shown jumping off the cliff*
"WE MADE THESE INBREDS JUMP OFF A CLIFF AND THEN BUILD A HOT TUB"
*Sargon is shown refusing to jump*
"SOME TOOK THE PLUNGE, OTHERS CUCKED OUT"
*The mess hall scene from before is shown*
"IN THE END, SANDY REVEALED HER TRUE COLORS AS A RACIST MOTHERFUCKER, PROMPTLY GETTING VOTED OFF"
*Sandy's boat is shown exploding*
"NICE ONE DUMBASS"
*The camera cuts back to Chris*
"WHOSE GONNA DIE THIS TIME? FIND OUT RIGhT HERE, RIGHT NOW, ON TOTAL. DRAMA. ISLAND!".
Dear mom and dad, I'm doing fine
You guys are on my mind
You asked me what I wanted to be
And now I think the answer is plain to see
I want to be famous
I want to live close to the sun
Well, pack your bags cause I've already won.
Everything to prove nothing in my way
I'll get there one day
Cause I want to be famous
Nanana'nanaana nana nana na na na na na naa
I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna be famous
I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna be famous
[Whistle's to theme]
*It ends thank god*
The camera cuts to outside the communal bathroom as the song "Fifth Avenue Stroll" plays in the background. It then cuts to the inside, revealing Mike and Jay, who were just finishing up their Half-In-The-Bag episode on Gnomeo and Juliet 3: Into Darkness. Just because they were on a game show didn't mean they couldn't still make YouTube videos.
"S-So Jay," Mike said, slightly drunk. "Would you recommend Gnome, Gno-Gnohm-" Jay just stared at Mike as he struggled to remember the name of the movie. " So Jay would you recommend Gnome Movie?" "Well Mike, uh, no, no I wouldn't" Jay finally said. "I thought the movie was pretty terrible. The writing was bad, the voice acting was bad, even like the cute Garden Gnome aesthetic, I didn't really enjoy it that much". Mike took another sip of his drink. "The movie didn't really feel like it was for anyone. From what I can gather this film was a lot darker then the other two. Uh, I never saw them, but they were apparently like cute and family friendly little, ya know, kid movies. I'm guessing the whole 'Jack the Ripper but he's a garden gnome' plot isn't go over well with parents, so, uh, I don't know how this gonna do in the box office." Jay trailed off.
"What about you Mike, would you recommend this movie?" "Well Jay, uh, having seen the other two Gnomeo movies, I'd say that this film took the series in a bold new direction, which I applaud them for, and, despite a few quirks in the script, I would recommend seeing this movie at least once". "Really?" Jay responded, unconvinced. "Fuck no" Mike exclaimed, the pair cracking up. "I'd rather blow my fucking head off then see this movie again!" he said, Jay holding his forehead and laughing. "This movie was godawful!" he yelled. "I'd rather have a razor blade enema than watch it again!" Jay could barely contain himself. "I'd rather play 'Extreme To-The-Death Dodgeball!". Jay was on the floor. "Would I recommend this movie? What am I, lobotomized?! Hell no! Hell no".
*Jump cut* Jay had calmed down, Mike was still talking though. "There was this one scene, and I think you had fallen asleep at this point, but it was right after, uh, 'Gnome Jack the Ripper' had killed Juliet. He was cutting up her little ceramic body, and he had opened up her chest cavity. He then pulled out her heart, her little ceramic heart" Mike turned to the camera "which was still beating, mind you, and held it up to the sky and recited the whole 'To be or not to be' speech from Hamlet in his stupid Kermit-The-Frog sounding voice" Jay could hardly believe what he was hearing. "And when he was done, he threw her heart onto the ground, and it shattered into like a billion pieces. It was so fucking surreal" Jay was laughing again "I thought I was dead. For a moment I legitimately thought I had died and went to some like deranged purgatory". Mike was laughing now too. "But then I realized it was real and I fucking burst out laughing in the theater!".
As the two laughed their asses off to one of cinema's worst mistakes, the camera cut to the Falcon Cabin, where Sargon was on his computer.
He was watching a video by Mr Metokur called "Sargon of Akkuck", in which Sargon was brutally roasted by Mr Metokur for his performance in the first two episodes. "I mean, imagine my shock, when I'm just flippin channels and I land on Carl Benjamin wearing a fucking "I AM A CUCK" hat!" Metokur said whilst laughing. "And not only that, but apperantly in the first episode he got into a fuckin fight with Anything4views, you know, that guy who got a Pewdipie tattoo on his ass?!". Sargon just cringed. The video already had half a million views, and there were tons of videos that were essentially the same thing. Sargon angrily closed his laptop and shoved a pillow in his face, falling back onto his bed.
"I can't believe this is fuckin happenin" he said, holding his forehead. "Overnight I've become a goddamn joke. I-I mean what the hells the difference if I jumped or not, we still won!" he said angrily. He pulled out his phone and showed it to the camera. "Look at this!" On it were several memes of Sargon in the Cuck hat. One of them was a "You versus the guy she tells you not to worry about" meme, with Sargon in the Cuck hat being "you" and a shirtless Anything4views flexing being "the guy she tells you not to worry about". Sargon seemed especially pissed about this one. "This is fucking humiliating!" he yelled into the camera.
As Sargon laid in bed in his "Classical Liberal" pajamas, the camera panned out to reveal that everyone in the Falcons' boys' room was on their computer. Imagine the shittiest LAN party in existence; it was basically that.
Jerma was busy livestreaming himself hoola-hooping. Barron appeared to be shitposting on /x/. And Chad, having set up his desktop computer, was busy playing World of Warcraft. He appeared to be in deep focus. Plus Peridorp was in there too cuz the outlets in the girls' room was total garbage.
Zarya had moved the spare Girl's bed into the boy's room following the Falcons' victory in the first challenge. This was great for Sargon, as now he didn't have to sleep on the floor, but now the room was cramped as fuck. Jerma barely had any room to hoola-hoop, and he eventually ended up crashing into Chad's computer. "EY, FUCKIN WATCH IT YA MIDGET!" Chad yelled. Jerma's enthusiasm with his activity disappeared as, once again, he was reminded of his height. Peridot snickered in the top bunk she was sharing with Barron. "Hey *snort*" she whispered to Barron. "Isn't it funny how he's so tiny, and yet *snort* he makes such a big mess?" she chuckled, eliciting a smirk from Barron, who was currently posting Goku R34 on a Tulpa Thread. Jerma was holding his anger in.
"Okay, Okay" he said, holdin up his index finger. "Can we get one thing fucking clear here? Alright? I am not short. Okay? I am fucking 5'8!" Jerma stood up. "You see this?! 5'8!". Jerma was clearly not 5'8. "I don't know how the fuck this 'Short Jerma' meme started, but its not true, I am 5'8! That's like slightly taller than Napoleon, okay?! Jerma realized what he was saying "And Napoleon wasn't short! That's a myt-".
Jerma said nothing, dropped his hoola hoop, and then stomped out angrily. All the while his Twitch Chat was going fucking wild.
"Goddamnit" he mumbled to himself, slamming the door behind him. As he continued on his angry stomp, he passed by Frank and George. "Hey, uh, what's with him?" George asked. "How should I know? Look, he doesn't matter, alright?" Frank responded as the two walked on.
The scene transitioned to the entrance of the communal bathroom, whilst Heinz Kiessling's On Your Bike played in the background. "George, come ere I wanna show you somethin" Frank said, motioning for George to enter along with him.
"Last night I was rummagin' through one the trashcans outside the mess hall, and I noticed thi-" Frank was cut off as he walked in on Mike and Jay's recording.
"There were kids crying! Right there next to me there was little girl bawling her eyes out! And I so felt so bad but it just was too funny!" Mike exclaimed as the the two of them laughed.
"Whoah Whoah, Hey! What the hell is this?!" Frank asked, surprised by their presence. The two turned to face them.
"Oh hey Mike, its Frank and George from the Rats!" Jay said, pointing to them. George briefly lifted his hand up in a hello wave.
"What the hell are you guys doin in here?" Frank asked. "Well Frank, we're recording our Half-In-The-Bag video on Gnomeo and Juliet 3: Into Darkness" Mike replied. "A movie so godawful one of the writers commited suicide shortly after the film's release" he said, a slide whistle sound effect accompanying a zoom in on Jay looking straight into the camera.
"Wha-? Get the fuck outta here I gotta piss!" Frank yelled at them. "Well, we're not done yet" Jay responded. Before the argument could continue, they all heard Chris yelling from outside "WAKEY WAKEY MOTHERFUCKERS" followed by gunshots and screaming. "Welp, looks like we gotta go anyway" Jay said, him and Mike walking toward the exit, Mike nearly tripping on a pile of beer bottles.
"So what'd you wanna show me again?" George asked. "Ah forget it, lets just go ahead meet up with everyone else" Frank replied, dismayed by the interruption. George left, but before Frank could join him, he quickly rummaged through a stall, grabbing something and putting it in his pocket. On your Bike resumed as Frank left, but not before he a took a swig out of a half empty beer bottle.
By the time Frank joined everyone else, a line of people had formed. The majority of campers on the Falcons' side appeared well rested, aside from Barron who had stayed up all night shitposting on 9gag. The Rapacious Rats; not so much. Due to the various injuries everyone got yesterday, sleeping was basically hell, especially for Goofy, who still Recuperating from Gums' 4,000 PSI Bite.
Toriel gave out a yawn as Chris started talking. "ALRIGHT BITCHES, WHO THE FUCK IS READY FOR YOUR 50 KILOMETER DEATH RUN" he said smugly. "Wha- Chris! That's nearly 31 Miles!" Dorothy exclaimed, shocked. "YOU BET IT IS" Chris said, smugly smoking a Cigar in between laughs. "Ah that's nothin!" Sophia said. "I've run marathons before, this'll be a piece-a-cake".
"WELL, I AM SURE IT WILL BE EASY, UNTIL WE SEND IN THE DOGS" Chris said mischievously. "I like dogs" Peach said slowly and painfully. "OH, I'M SURE YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THESE THEN".
"I REALLY HOPE THAT FUCKING RETARD GETS MAULED TO DEATH BY THE DOGS" he said before taking another hit from his cigar.
"YOU GUYS READY?" Chris said, holding up his Desert Eagle.
Mr T allowed Remy to climb up his arm. "You may find safety on my shoulder, little rat" he said.
Peridorp, seeing this, promptly climbed on Sargon's back. "Heh, Hey! *snort* Carry me too you cuck! *snort*". Sargon wanted to protest, but decided to endure it; he had a reputation to preserve after all.
"ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, GO!" Chris Screamed, firing into the air.
Everyone started running, some quicker than others. Mario was at an obvious disadvantage, given that he had to push Peach's crippled body the whole way. But Chad was as the most disadvantage, being a fat fuck and all.
It then cut to about halfway through the giant ass race.
Sophia, despite being in her 80s, was leading the pack with her amazing stamina. I guess she wasn't kidding about being a marathon runner. "Come on, Pussycat, keep up!" she yelled back to her daughter, who was way behind. Jerma had taken the lead early in the race, sprinting the first half like a fucking madman. Unfortunately, he gave out soon after, collapsing onto the ground. "YOU MUST PACE SELF, LITTLE MAN" Zarya said, picking him up. "I'm not *huff* *huff* little *huff* godamnit" he said, out of breath.
Meanwhile in the back of the pack, the dogs had started catch up with everyone. The dogs were viciously nipping at Mario heels as he desperately pushed his wife to safety. "Come ere lil doggie" Peach said, oblivious to the mortal danger she was in. They passed by Chad, who was currently holding on for dear life in a tree he had climbed. "THESE AREN"T DOGS YA FUCKIN MONGREL THEY"RE RABID WOLVES" he screamed down to Chris, who smugly staring at him as the dogs barked up his tree. For some reason they weren't attacking him.
"PFFT, WHATS THE DIFFERENCE DUDE?" he replied.
Miss Frizzle, who had caught up, stopped in her tracks. "Well Christopher" she said in an enthusiastic teacher voice "There are actually many differences between Wolves and Modern Dogs".
Conveniently, she had chosen today to wear her "Wolf Dress" which had several species of wolf on it, along with some Wolf Teeth earrings. "For one thing, Wolves ar-" Chris fired his gun into the air, cutting her off.
"I DONT FUCKIN CARE GET OUTTA HERE, MOVE!" he yelled angrily.
Miss Frizzle took the hint and quickly returned to running with the others.
Anyway everyone eventually made it to the mess hall, even Goofy, who had to outrun 6 rabid wolves in crutches. Chad was, obviously, the last one to arrive, having to desperately shut the door behind him as the rabid wolves clawed at the door, barking like crazy. He had claw and bite marks all over him.
Peridorp, who had rode the entire way on Sargon's back, chuckled into his ear "Heh, heh, *snort* Thanks for carrying me ya cuck!". She gave him a little slap on his cheek and jumped off onto the floor. Sargon looked infuriated.
"I am this fucking close to killing that lil shit" he said angrily.
"GOOD TO SEE YOU ALL MADE IT, WELL, MOSTLY" he said laughing, referring to a large chunk of flesh that Chad was missing. Chad didn't think it was so funny, he looked terrified.
"Well, um... What are we having for breakfast?" Toriel said, trying to sound positive despite everyone's near death experience.
"OH YEAH, ABOUT THAT" Chris began "WE WERE GONNA GIVE YOU GUYS SOME SOUP, BUT WE MADE IT LIKE 3 HOURS AGO SO-" "You mean its cold?!" Sargon concluded. Chris could not be smugger "YEAH".
Chef then brought out 21 bowls of cold potato and cabbage soup. Mmm. "AH" Zarya said in delight. "IT IS JUST LIKE OKROSHKA BACK HOME" she said, enthusiastically downing what little soup there was.
Remy appeared to be saying something about the soup, but since he was a rat all you could hear was just squeaking.
"Wait a minute, who won the challenge?" Akechi asked. "Who won the race?".
"PFFT, THAT WASNT THE CHALLENGE DUMBASS" Chris replied. He then climbed on top of the table, knocking Akechi's soup over. "THE REAL CHALLENGE IS WHATS NEXT, BABY: THE MOTHERFUCKING AWAKE-A-THON" he yelled, dabbing psychotically.
After he got done, he continued on his speech "YOU CUNTS GOTTA STAY AWAKE, AND WHOEVER HOLDS OUT THE LONGEST WINS". He pointed down at the contestants "AND IF YA LOSE, YOU'RE OUTTA HERE, GOT IT?". Everyone nodded. "GOOD" Chris got back on the floor "NOW LETS GET TO TH-" Chris forgot about the rabid dogs still trying get in, and so when he tried to open the door he had to quickly re-shut it. "FUCK" he yelled, trying to hold them back. "CHEF!" he called out. Chef then appeared with cold, soulless eyes, and wielding a pump-action shotgun. After cocking it, the camera panned to outside the mess hall, where a few gunshots could be heard after.
"those poor doggies" she said slowly.
"What a shitty challenge" he said, baffled.
The camera then cut to the outside, where everybody had gathered for the Challenge. Frank had pulled George aside, away from the others.
"You remember what I was saying earlier, ya know in the bathroom?" "Yeah?" "Well what I was gonna say was that last night I was digging through the garbage, and I came across Chris's tent" he explained. "Well he wasn't there, so I figured, ya know, why not go check it out? And guess what" he then pulled out a large Ziploc bag full of white powder. "The guy's got more coke than El Chapo!".
George was baffled, "Wait, you stole some of his drugs?!" "Only a lil bit!" Frank responded. "A little?! Theres like an entire Kilo in there!" George said, a laugh track playing. "Look, relax okay? He won't notice. The point is this is great for us!" Frank replied "This'll help keep us awake and we can win the challenge!". "Frank, uh, I don't know, I've never really done drugs before". Frank attempted to assuage his worries "Listen, don't worry. I did this kind of shit all the time back in Philly, its totally harmless!". George hesitated for a bit, and then threw his arms up "Alright!" he said, flustered.
The camera then cut back to the bonfire area, where everybody else was trying to stay awake. Frank and George were rejoining the others. "And where have you two been?" Dorothy asked suspiciously. "None of ya business, doll, aint that right George?" Frank responded. George just sat there, his eyes wide, twitching slightly and sniffling. "See?".
"Frank's up to something, I just know it" she said. "If he thinks I'm dumb enough to not notice, then he's got another thing coming" she held her finger up "I mean, really, who does he think I am? Back in elementary school I-" Dorothy was cut off someone knocking on the door. "Dorothy you still in there? Hurry up I gotta use the can!" Sophia yelled, a laugh track playing. "Just a second Ma!" she replied.
The scene then transitioned to about a few hours later. Everybody was still awake, though a few looked sleepy. George didn't look too good. He was pale, and was shaking quite violently. "F-F-F-Frank, I-I-I don't feel s-so good!" he said, shaking. Frank was also not feeling good, breathing hard. "I thought you said this stuff was harmless!". "It is!" Frank replied, panicking. "I-I don't know what the hells happenin!" he pulled out the bag from earlier. "Usually it-" Frank paused, his mouth still open. "Oh shit. Oh Shit! OH SHIT!" he yelled, panicking. "Wh-What?! What is it?!" George said, also panicking. "THIS AINT COKE ITS FUCKIN ANGEL DUST!" he yelled as Werner Tautz's Grand Central began to play in the background. "ANGEL DUST?! YOU MEAN PCP?!" George yelled loudly.
"What the hells goin on over here?" Sophia inquired. George was beginning to hallucinate. He saw Sophia as his own mother, and with his own mother's voice "George, what in god's name is wrong with you?" she asked in her nasally voice. "AGHHHHHHH!" he screamed, taking off toward the woods. "GGEORGE COME BACKC" Frank yelled, slurring his words somewhat and running after him. Unfortunately he tripped on a rock and fell to the ground. He didn't have the motor capacity to get back up, so he pathetically tried to crawl. "GEORGGEE!" he yelled, slumping over on the ground in defeat.
Anyway, the next cut was to the 15 hour mark. A few contestants were already asleep. On the rat side, George was nowhere to be seen, but Remy and Miss Frizzle had been first ones to go, along with Frank who was passed out on the ground. Things weren't the great for the Falcons either though. Peridorp had curled up in a little ball for a nice Gremlin nap; she literally didn't even try to stay awake. Mario had fallen asleep, and Mike was passed out drunk next to him. Fucking Lightweights.
Akechi and Normahn were sitting together. The former looked pretty bored, just staring off into the distance boringly. But Jahyden appeared to be occupying himself by throwing an invisible ball back and forth. He was wearing some weird-ass sunglasses. "Um, Agent Jayden" Akechi asked, "What are you doing?". "What?" Normahn asked, taking off sunglasses and looking around confused. "Oh, Ah'm using the ARI, the Ahdded Realhity Intaface" he explained, pointing to his sunglasses. "It's this Virtuhual Reahality Devhice that allows me to fihnd and analyze evidehnce quickly" Akechi looked interested, "It's ahlso got some games". "May I try it out?" Akechi asked, "Oh, uhhh, yeahh sure" Normahn replied, handing him the glasses.
Putting on the ARI, Akechi was pretty astounded. "My, this is impressive!" he said happily, taking in all the enhanced features. Little markers pointed out foot-prints, pollen samples, and much more. For example, Akechi could tell just by looking at Mike that he reeked of booze, that Chad wasn't wearing deodorant, and that Toriel had some cheap perfume on. He could even see the cheeto dust on Peridorp's little fingers.
"What other functions are there?" he asked "There's a little list just, uh, scroll through" Normahn replied. Akechi began scrolling through. There was Pong, a shooting range simulator, that ball game he was playing (which had a high score of 8,291), and one titled "ガールフレンドシミュレータ". "Gārufurendoshimyurēta?" Akechi questioned skeptically in Japanese. "Whats something like tha-" before he could finish Normahn yanked the ARI off his face. "Oh! Uh, t-t-that came with the ARI I-I-I never real-" unfortunately Normahn failed the quick-time prompt and dropped the ARI, breaking it. "Ah Shit!" he yelled, trying to gather the scraps up.
The camera cut to the Falcon side, where Zarya, asleep, fell ontop of Jerma, crushing him as he muffledly yelled, trying to escape. Meanwhile, George was running through the woods, screaming.
It then cut to the 36 hour mark. More people were asleep. On the Rat side, Goofy had passed out. The fact that he had multiple broken limbs probably didn't help. Mr T, who was reading some shitty book by Ghandi, had also fallen asleep, along with Dorothy, who was using a tree stump as pillow. Normahn, without his ARI, had quickly succumbed to sleep as well, but Akechi was still awake. This just left him and Sophia, who was currently jogging in place to stay awake.
The Falcons also only had 2 teammates left. Anything4views was laying on the ground in deep sleep, with Jay resting his head on the stump nearby. Sargon had fallen asleep browsing his own subreddit, which consisted of about 50 users, all of which were currently mass-flagging his hate videos. Toriel held out for a good while, but around the 30 hour mark she fell asleep, softly bleating as she slumbered. Even Peach, who had managed stay awake for a solid 34 hours finally fell asleep, her drool forming a small puddle to the side of her wheelchair. The only ones left were Jerma and Barron, the latter of which had just played Minecraft on his phone for the entire challenge. Fucking Millennials.
Just then Chris zoomed in in his fucking car, kicking dirt up on everyone, loudly honking. "MAN YOU GUYS FUCKING SUCK" he yelled, doin some sick ass donuts. "I ONCE STAYED AWAKE FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK AND YOU CUNTS CAN'T EVEN MANAGE 2 DAYS". The resulting commotion woke everybody up, except for Mike, who was still in an alcoholic coma. "THE LOSERS CAN GO BACK TO THE CABINS AND GET SOME SHUT EYE, REST OF YOU ARE STAYIN HERE" he yelled into a megaphone, which was yelling into another megaphone. As Mr T passed by Frank, he decided to wake him up, jostling him a lil bit. "Yo, Frank, come on man its time to get up" he said tiredly. "Wha?!" Frank said, waking up, surprised. "Wait, wh-where's George?" he asked, worried. The camera then cut back to the forest, where George was on top of a deer, maniacally stabbing it in a rage. It was already dead so this was just overkill. His eyes were wild as fuck. After stabbing its body 82 times, he cut its throat open and proceeded to smear blood all over his face, letting out a mighty war cry.
"I just hope George is okay" he said, sinister music playing in the background. "He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who could handle somethin like that."
The camera then cut back to George, who was biting chunks out the Deer's head, which was detached from the body.
Frank looked solemn, shaking his head. "This aint gonna end good".
It cut back to Chris in his Mercedes, who was still yelling at the retreating contestants. "I MEAN I AT LEAST THOUGHT YOU GUYS WOULD MAKE IT TO DAY 3". "I HAD SO MUCH SHIT PLANNED" he pulled out a book, " I WAS GONNA READ THE DICTIONARY AND EVERYTHING, I EVEN-" he reached into the back seat, pulling out a purple sheep costume "I EVEN THIS GOT THIS FURSUIT FOR CHEF. HE WAS GONNA LIKE DANCE OR WHATEVER FOR YOU GUYS. THIS THING COST LIKE 300 DOLLARS". Nobody paid attention his bizarre rant. "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY VIEWERS WE WERE GONNA GET FOR DOING THAT?". They all just walked away. "IT WAS GONNA BE FUCKIN RAD".
Anyway the next cut was to the 48 hour mark. It was now nighttime. Despite this, those left were still awake. Sophia's strategy of constant movement was working, but she was starting to tire out. Jerma was fast walking around the all the stumps to stay awake. Akechi, being a Japanese high school student, was used to staying up late, but it was taking its toll. Barron doing was just fine playing on his phone. He had like 5 portable chargers on him so his phone never ran out of battery. He just kept tappin away on Minecraft.
"Hey, *Pant* pretty boy *pant*" Sophia said, getting Akechi's attention. "Hmm?" he replied sleepily. "I don't know how much longer I'm gonna be able to hold out *pant*" she huffed, exhausted. "I understand how you feel, I may doze off myself any minute now" he replied, propping up his chin with his hands. Sophia pointed to the Falcon side, "Shorty over there looks like he could go for a few more hours" she said, pointing to Jerma. "But that damn kids been goin strong the whole time!" she said angrily, referring to Barron.
"Yes, it appears that as long as he has his phone, he can stay awake" Akechi replied, a look of pondering on his face. SuDDenly, he got an idea. Pulling out his phone, quickly went to the app store downloaded Minecraft: Mobile Edition. He didn't have much time; his battery was only at 10%. It took about a minute to download, putting him at 8%. Luckily, Barron had forgot to make it a private Minecraft server, so Akechi could easily join. Under the username "Boro Bakechi", Akechi proceeded to Grief Barron's world, which consisted of a scale replica of Trump Tower, a little city he made to go with it, and some pixel art of Goku.
Barron, who hadn't initially noticed him joining, soon discovered his once perfect world in ruins. His neutral face turned to panic as he realized his life's work was being destroyed. He tried to kill Akechi, but it was creative mode so he couldn't do it. Akechi simply continued to obliterate his world, the final straw being when he tossed Barron's entire Diamond supply into the lava that he filled Trump Tower with, his own phone dying shortly after. "FUCK" Barron screamed, slamming his phone onto the ground, destroying it. He then proceeded to stomp off back toward the cabin area, "HEY CUNT IF YOU LEAVE THE CHALLENGE AREA YOU'RE DISQUALIFIED" Chris yelled at him. Barron simply ignored him.
Akechi looked pretty pleased with himself. "Looks like he should've stuck to Roblox" he said, laughing.
"Good thinking Jakechi" Sophia said happily. "That's Akec-" "Yeah Yeah whatever" she replied, a laugh track playing.
Anyway after Barron fucked off there was another cut, this time to the 53 hour mark. Although he was able to hold out pretty long, Akechi soon passed out, leaving only Jerma for the Falcons and Sophia for the Rats. Despite all odds, Jerma was still up, and was desperately breakdancing to stay awake. "Yeah! *huff* how do ya *huff* how da ya like these moves huh!" he said whilst frantically doing the "Six-Step". Truely, Jerma was a master of Endurance.
Sophia was starting to wear down even more. Her once proud jogs in place soon devolved into walks in place. Despite this, she was still awake, and it seemed like this shitty episode could go on forever.
Thankfully Chris appeared weilding an Fully-Automatic Tranquilizer gun. "ALRIGHT, CHALLENGE IS OVER" he exclaimed, holding his arms out wide "THIS HAS ALREADY GONE ON LONG ENOUGH. I DONT-" Sophia and Jerma looked confused "I DONT KNOW WHY THE FUCKIN PRODUCERS THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA IT WAS SO SHITTY". He seemed dissapointed. "I'M JUST GONNA PUT ON THIS FUCKIN BLINDFOLD AND FIRE THIS TRANQULIZER GUN, WHOEVER GOES DOWN FIRST LOSES, OKAY?" "Whoah WHoah WhOAh wait!" Jerma said, holding his hand up. "ALIRGHT LETS GO" without further warning Chris pulled down his blindfold and began firing rApIDly in their general direction. "aGH" Sophia yelled in terror, ducking behind a log. "SHIT" Jerma yelled also, running to get behind a tree.
Unfortunatley, Chris managed to get a dart in Jerma's arm. "BAGH, FUcK!" he exclaimed, taking cover behind the tree. "WHAT HAPPENED DID I HIT SOMEONE?" Chris asked as Jerma painfully pulled the tranquilizer dart out. "Oh God, this is just like that time that caretaker went postal at Shady Pines!" Sophia said to herself, the live studio audience fucking losing it. "ALRIGHT ROUND TWO" Chris yelled out after reloading. Unfortunately, Sophia, who was peeking out from behind the log, was caught in the crossfire, a few darts getting stuck in her hand. "AGH!" she yelled out in pain. She tried to pull them out, but couldn't get a good grip. "Gah! I knew shouldn'tve used that Vaseline hand moisturizer!" she said, another fucking laugh track playing.
The next minute went by tensely. Chris was still blindly firing, and although neither of the two got hit again, they were both starting to feel the effects of the tranquilizer darts, with Jerma sweating sickly and Sophia on the verge of passing out. Eventually, Sophia couldn't handle the dose and passed out. "I'm comin for ya Sal!" she said, falling to the ground. "Hheyy shhhees outta thee gamme!" Jerma slurred, pointing to her comatose body. "AY" Chris yelled happily, taking off his blindfold. He grabbed Jerma's arm and held it high "LADIES AND THE GENTLEMEN, THE WINNER OF THE AWAKE-A-TH-".
Before Chris could finish he heard deranged screaming coming from the woods. JuST THen George burst through chasing a squirrel. His clothes looked ragged and torn, and he appeared to be wearing a Deer Skull as a helmet. He was covered in blood and dirt, his eyes wide and insane. As the squirrel escaped into the tree, George attempted to follow him up, desperately stabbing at the little tree hole with his bone dagger and letting out gargled noises.
Looking down at Jerma, who was now unconsious, Chris promptly dropped his ass like a sack of potatoes and went over to grab George. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE REAL WINNER OF THE AWAKE-A-THON!" he exlclaimed happily, triumphant music playing as he held George's arm up. Jerma, who had hit his head on a rock after Chris dropped him, promptly woke up. "Wait what?!" he asked, confused and exasperated. "GEORGE STAYED AWAKE FOR THE LONGEST, HE WON THE AWAKE-A-THON" Jerma was dumbstruck "Wha- Motherfucker you said if anyone left the challenge they'd lose!" "I NEVER SAID THE FOREST WASN'T APART OF THE CHALLENGE AREA" Chris replied smugly.
"Hold on, HOld the FUCK O-" before jerma could continue Chris shot him with taser incapaciting him. As Jerma riled around on the ground, Chris continued to congratulate George. "WAY TO GO GEORGE, YOU JUST WON THE RATS IMMUNITY BABY" he said, patting him on the back. George just looked confused, blankly staring down at his blood-soaked hands.
"...What the hell just happened?"
Meanwhile back in the falcon cabin
"I cannot fucking believe this. You left cuz of fucking Minecraft?!" Chad yelled angrily. A lot of the Falcons were pretty pissed at Barron for just leaving the contest. He wasn't even that tired. "I mean seriously!" Barron just ignored him and continued to tap away on his phone. He had more than one after all. Meanwhile, Peridorp was continuing to annoy Sargon. "Heh *snort* look Sargon!" she said, pointing to her phone "Even Jim Sterling made a video about you! *snort* And he's one of the biggest Cucks on Youtube! *Snort* HEh! *snort*". "THATS IT" he yelled, finally at his breaking point. He pulled her off the top bunk and threw her to the ground. "OOF!" she yelld. Sargon prepared to punch her stupid little face in but she bit his ankle causing him to recoil in pain. "YOU LITTL-".
"Christ, for FUCK'S Sake can you two shut up!" Chad yelled. "Nobody gives a Rat's Ass about ya stupid Youtube Bullshit! In case you haven't noticed we just lost the challenge, and we coulda won it if this little shit hadn't-" Chad then noticed Barron, who was still on his phone, was giving him the middle finger. "YOU WANNA FUCKIN GO KID" he yelled, tackling him off the bed. The resulting struggle intensified the chaos in the Boy's dorm. Peridorp and Sargon began fighting again whilst Mario and Jay tried to hold Chad back, who was currently beating the shit out of Barron. Mike just sat there drinking a beer.
As Akech passed by, he couldn't help but smile at his handiwork.
"It appears the Flaming Falcons are much more fragile than they first let on" he said, straightening out his tie. "I must admit, I was initally worried when they won the first challenge, but now-". Akechi Chuckled. "Now I see that these fears were unfounded".
It then cut to the bonfire ceremony.
"FALCONS, I MUST SAY" Chris began "I AM EXTREMELY DISSAPOINTED". Everyone looked pretty dismayed. "SOME OF YOU CUNTS COULDN'T EVEN MAKE IT A WHOLE DAY" he said, looking at Mario and Zarya. "OTHERS DIDN'T EVEN TRY" he said, looking at Peridot and Mike. "AND ONE OF YOU JUST LEFT" the camera panned over to Barron, who was still looking down at his phone.
"AND NOW, ONE OF YOU WILL BE LEAVING PERMENANTLY" he held up his plate. "ELEVEN OF YOU, ONLY TEN OF THESE; LETS FUCKIN DO THIS".
"FIRST UP, JERMA". Jerma got up, tiredly recieveing his marshmallow.
"THEN WE GOT TORIEL, FOLLOWED BY CHAD AND ZARYA". All three got up and recieved their marshmallows.
"THE PARAPLEGIC COUPLE". Mario and Peach recieved their marshmallows.
"AND THEN FINALLY, MIKE, JAY, AND SARGON. YOU ALL ARE SAFE". Mike was indifferent, as he was still drunk.
Barron and Peridorp were the only two left. "YOU TWO BOTH REALLY LET DOWN YOUR TEAM TODAY". Chris held up the last Marshmallow. "ONE OF YOU GETS TO STAY, AND THE OTHER HAS TO LEAVE AND NEVER, EVER, COME BACK". Peridorp eyed the marshmallow nervously. Barron was still on his phone.
"THE FINAL MARSHMALLOW GOES TO..."
"Oh yeah!" she yelled happily, snatching the little sugar-gelatin treat from Chris's hands and gobbling it down. "WELL BARRON, LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME TO LEAVE".
Barron wasn't paying attention. "YO, BARRON" Chris yelled. Barron looked up "Huh?" "YA LOST DUDE, GET OUTTA HERE". "What?!" he responded, shocked. "What do you mean I lost, what the hell happened?" "THEY VOTED YOU OFF DIPSHIT" Chris replied. "What? They can't fucking do that! Do you know who my dad is?!". Chris did a lil snap and two armed thugs showed up and dragged him away toward the dock of shame.
"Good fuckin Riddance".
"Sorry Barron" she said apoligetically. :(
Barron was still raving as he being dragged toward the boat. "Just you wait til I tell my dad about this, your ass is dead! You hear me?! DEAD!". It didn't exactly sound intimidating coming from a 12 year old.
As the two thugs put a bag over his head and sped off, Chris congratulated the other campers. "RIGHTY THEN, WELL, I THINK ALL OF YOU HAVE EARNED A NICE LONG SLEEP EH?". Everyone was to tired to respond. "ALRIGHT WHATEVER GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE".
The camera then cut to the Rat cabin, where Frank was sitting outside with George, barbecuing his steaks on a tiny grill. "Well Georgie, I gotta say: You really pulled through for us today" he said, cracking open a can of canned champagne. "You want one?" he said, offering a can to his companion. "No thanks" George said, still traumatized from what had transpired.
"I like your, uh, deer hat by the way. Looks metal" he said, refering to George's Deer Skull helmet. George took the his creation off and gazed at it. He couldn't even remember making it. "Thanks" he replied quietly.
"Oooh, Oh yeah, Yeah that looks good" Frank said, taking his steaks off his portable Gary-Coleman-Brand Grill, putting them on their paperplates.
"If today's taught us anything, it's that the two of us make a great team". He started cutting his steak. George just stared at his. "Just follow my lead, and you and I could go anywhere!" Frank lifted up his can of champagne "To Friendship!" he excalimed "to friendship" George said, much less enthusiatically. Taking a bite out of his steak, Frank quickly recoiled, "UGH", "This shit's gone bad" he said, his mouth still full of the bad steak. "Sorry George" he said, picking up both their steaks and throwing them in the garbage and spitting his steak out "Fucking Trash". George was unfazed, still blankly staring down at the table.
Then the episode ended.
AN: hey guys whats up its ya boi Clodd Howard here hope you enjoyed this fucnky fresh motherfucking chapter i worked real hard on it. Make sure to leave some goddamn reviews pls thanks :) :) :) :)
"LAHST TIME ON TOTALHL DRAMHA ISLAND" Chris slurred, stumbling on the dock.
*Clips from the last episode are shown*
"THE TWO TEAMS OUTRAN SOME RABID DOGS IN A SHITTY RACE".
*The contestants are shown fleeing from the dogs*
"AFTERWARDS, WE MADE THEM COMPETE IN THE GODAWFUL AWAKE-A-THON"
*They are shown sitting on the tree stumps, eventually falling over in sleep*
"WHERE MOST DIDN'T EVEN LAST TWO DAYS".
*Akechi is shown on his phone, and Barron is shown freaking out and storming off*
"THROUGH SOME DEVIOUS SCHEMING, AKECHI WAS ABLE TO KNOCK OUT ONE OF THE FALCONS' BEST PLAYERS"
*The fight in the Falcon Cabin is shown*
"LEAVING THEM IN CHAOS".
*George is shown emerging from the woods*
"AND AFTER SOME OTHER SHIT, THE RATS WON, AND BARRON'S RICH ASS WAS VOTED OFF"
*Barron is shown being dragged down the dock, kicking and screaming*
"EAT YOUR HEART OUT CNN".
*The camera cuts back to Chris*
"WILL THE RATS BE ABLE TO CAPITALIZE ON THEIR WIN? WILL THE FALCONS RESURGE IN A FLAME OF GLORY? WILL WE FINALLY GET A DECENT CONTEST?" Chris pointed some finger guns at the camera. "FIND THE FUCK OUT. RIGHT HERE. ON TOTAL. DRAMA. ISLAND!".
You guys are on my mind
You asked me what I wanted to be
And now I think the answer is plain to see
I want to be famous
I want to live close to the sun
Well, pack your FAGS cause I've already won.
Everything to prove nothing in my way
I'll get there one day
Cause I want to be famous
I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna be famous
I wanna be, I wanna be; I wanna be famous
[Whistle's to theme]
The camera cut to the mess hall, where some contestants were lined up to eat breakfast. Today's meal: Bacon.
Chef had just put some on Anything4viewz's tray. "Oi, Cunt!" he said, angrily. "This shits not even cooked!" he said, holding a up a very cold, very raw piece of bacon. "Did you literally just take this shit outta tha freezer?". "Fuck off" Chef replied, annoyed. Chad just scoffed and walked off back toward the Falcon table. Toriel was next in line.
"Um, uh, e-excuse me Chef" she said timidly. "M-My teeth aren't really accustomed to chewing meat, a-and my stomach can't digest it that well either, so, um" she said, referring to her various herbivorous features. She is a goat, after all. "Do you have like a, like a salad or vegetable option that I ca-" "No" he replied. "O-Oh, um, okay. D-Do yo-" "All we have is meat" he said, leaning over the counter very seriously. "Either you eat it, or you starve, Got it?" he said intimidatingly. "o-okay" Toriel responded, meekly taking her tray and leaving. Next up was Peridorp.
"Gimme the bacon bitch!" she yelled excitedly, her lil arms grubbily grabbing over the counter.
The camera then panned over to everyone else.
At the Rat table, everyone was busy eating their bacon and talking, though a few members were missing.
"How's yours, Ma? Is it good?" Dorothy asked. "Are you kidding?" she said, spitting out a piece of the bacon "I've eaten hockey pucks softer than this". She then held up a piece of bacon that was extremely burnt. "Look at this! This thing's blacker than one of Charles II's Kiwis!" she said, the laugh track going apeshit. "Oh Ma, you're right, these are burnt! Tell ya what, how bout I take this back and get ya a new one, huh?" Dorothy replied, picking up her plate. "Thanks pussycat." "No problem Ma" she said, taking her plate back toward the counter. "Oh, and Dorothy" "Yes?" "Can you bring me back some Orange Juice while you're up too?" "Sure". Sophia amplified her voice as Dorothy went out of frame "And none of that Sunny D crap, ok?". She returned to her normal volume "'The stuff that kids go for', PFFT, please".
Goofy had mostly recovered from his injuries, and was currently sitting with Frank and Remy, the latter of which was currently trying to improve his meal with some of the former's spices. "Hey, Hey!" Frank said, grabbing the paprika from Remy "This shit ain't cheap, alright? When I said you could use some I didn't mean the whole fuckin bottle!". Remy looked annoyed.
"I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do with these spices" he proclaimed, holding several bottles of various spices in his hands and around his arms. "I mean I got all types of shit here". He started presenting them. "I got, uh, Paprika, Nutmeg, some Garlic Powder, a little Oregan-" Frank realized what the Green herbs he was holding actually were. "Oh, uh, this aint, this aint Oregano, its my, uh" Frank began trying to hide the little baggy. "You're, uh, not supposed to see thi-"
Anyway, while things were for the most part amicable at the Rat table, the Falcon Table wasn't doing too good.
Sargon was hunched over at his seat on his phone, not even paying attention to his food. Apparently his mass-flagging campaign of his hate videos was spectacularly backfiring. Not only had the videos not disappeared, but there was now even more of them; this time about the campaign itself. "I mean, comh ohn now! Its like this bloke's neveh even hearhd of tha Streisand Effect beforh!" GradeUnderA could be heard saying, a poorly made doodle accompanying him. The shitshow was massive. It hadn't taken long for youtubers to piece together Sargon's involvement in the affair. A leaked Reddit chatlog was all it took for his subscriber count to plummet. Along with his Patrion proceedings. He just sat there, browsing the videos and angrily exhaling.
"*Snort* Heh, hey! *snort* hey Sargon!" Peridorp said, poking him on the cheek with her bacon. "Whot? What is it?" he said, annoyed. Peridorp was struggling to hold back her laughter. "Ch-Check this out! *snort*" she said, holding up her phone. On it was a ranking list of all the contestants. "Some *snort* guy did a poll on who people think will win" she explained, scrolling through. "*Snort* *Snort*, and guess what?" she said, chuckling. "You're DEAD LAST" Peridorp then burst into a fit of laughter, rolling around on the ground. "What?!" Sargon replied, shocked.
Sargon yanked the phone from her lil hands. The list ranked contestants from top to bottom. Users could vote for who they thought would win Total Drama, with those receiving the most votes at the top. And, just as Peridorp said, those with the least votes were at the bottom, with Sargon being among them.
"This is such shit!" he said, angrilly presenting the list to the camera. "I-I mean look at this!" he started scrolling. "This fuckign prick divided us into 4 tiers, right?. Get a load of this. Top tier: 1st place: Jerma" he said, pointing to Jerma's spot, which had about 7000 votes. "Are you fucking kidding me?".
****Cut to Mess Hall****
The camera cut to Jerma, who was currently doing a hand stand. "Ya see this?" he said, showing off to everyone else. He had been doing a hand stand for a solid 12 minutes. "Endurance, that's what this. Alright? Endurance". Peridorp smugly chuckled, "I guess it's harder for the blood to rush to your head when your so short! *snort*". A few other contestants laughed. Jerma was offended. "Hey! I-I'm not short, Alright?! I'm Compact! You see these?", he said motioning to his arms "These are compact muscles!". He handwalked over to her. "I don't see yo-" he then lost balance and fell, causing more laughter.
****Cut back to Sargon****
"And then, fuckin, 3rd place: Chad. *Scoff* Are you for real? That fat bastard?! He's 3rd place?".
****Cut to Mess Hall****
Anything4viewz was talking to Toriel. "Ya gonna eat that?" he said, pointing to her bacon, which was actually somewhat cooked. "Oh, um, n-no you can have it" she replied, passing her plate over. "Thanks" he said, taking a bite out of hers. "UGh" he spit it out. "Fuckin Turkey Bacon? Seriously?!" he threw the plate down, startling Toriel. "That's fuckin it!" he said, getting up and marching toward the counter, where Dorothy and Chef could be heard arguing. Toriel just looked down dismayedly, her stomach rumbling.
****Cut back to Sargon****
"This is probably the worst fuckin part" he said. He was now at the bottom the list: The "Shit Tier". "So I'm numba 20 right?" he said, pointing to his spot, which had about 12 votes. "Guess whos right fuckin above me". He scrolled up for dramatic effect. "FUCKIN PEACH: THE CRIPPLE!".
****Cut to Mess Hall****
Peach was currently being spoon fed some bacon that Mario had pre-chewed. "Open up-a!" he said, shoving it into her mouth. All Peach could do was garble. Suddenly, she spit it the Bacon chunks all over Mario's face. "Peach-a!" Mario said, frustrated "i don want bacon" she said, a lil bit of the bacon bits sliding down her chin "i wan som cheese bizza". She weakly lifted her arm and pointed to the Counter "go get me som". "Sweety there is no-a pizza!" Mario replied "then go tell the guy to make som" she replied, pointing to Chef. Chef was currently threatening to slit Dorothy's throat. "I don't think that's-a such a good idea-a" Mario replied, somewhat scared.
*****Cut back to Sargon****
"117 VOTES!" he yelled, angrily slamming his phone on the ground. "UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!"
Sargon stared down at the phone in shock. "T-T-This doesn't mean anything!" he exclaimed, desperately trying to damage control. "P-People are just fucking meming cuz of all the youtube shit!". "*Snort* I-If, If" Peridorp couldn't stop laughing "If it doesn't matter *snort* then why are you so angry?!" She then began laughing her fucking lungs out again, rolling around on the floor like the lil gremlin she is. "These are just opinions! They don't actually..." as Sargon attempted to defend himself, the camera panned over to the kitchen counter, where Dorothy, Chef, and Anything4views were currently arguing.
"You need help, professional help!" Dorothy yelled, angrily pointing at him and returning to the Rat table. I guess threatening to slit her throat kinda pissed her off. "You can't even fuckin cook, can you?! Ya just some beefy cunt they got to keep us fed!" Chad yelled, holding up his raw bacon. Chef just angrily stared at him with his cold, dark eyes.
A younger Chef in military fatigues is shown. He appears to be in a dark, earthy pit of some sort, and is sitting in the fetal position. He is softly shaking. Suddenly, light shines in from above, startling him. Shadowy figures can heard conversing in Vietnamese. "Please, Please" Chef wimpers. "I'm so hungry, please just give me some food!" he sobs. "You want food?" a Vietnamese voice is heard saying. Suddenly, something large is dropped into the pit. It's an American soldier's corpse. Chef is horrified. "no... no please... Please N-" "YOU EAT!" the Viet Cong soldier replies angrily. "YOU SAID YOU HUNGRY, YES? YOU EAT! YOU EAT OR YOU STARVE!". Darkness soon returns, the Viet Cong soldier angrily slamming the cover to the pit back on. Chef begins crying.
Chef snaps back to reality. "You want your food cooked, huh?" he says, soullessly eying Anything4viewz. "*Scoff* It'd be nice!" Chad replies, sassily. Chef's expression was unchanged. "Oh I'll cook your food alright" Chef then rapidly turned on the stove, yanking Chad by the hair and slamming his face onto it. "AAAGGHHHHHH!" Chad's screams were the only things that could be heard in the mess hall, as everyone else was too shocked to say anything. "This cooked enough for ya, Pig-Boy!" Chef yelled, angrily burning his face.
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee're BACK" Mike announced, bursting through the door, six pack in hand. Mike's entrance's startled Chef, allowing Chad to break free. "Fucking Psycho!" he yelled, returning to the Falcon Table. Jay followed soon after, along with George. "Ey! There he is!" Frank said, happily extending his arms out "Theres our winner!". Everyone at Rat table clapped at their champion's entrance, with George awkwardly smiling and taking his seat.
George was reclining back in outhouse, looking pretty pleased with himself. "Ya know, I've always felt underappreciated" he said, biting a piece of bacon, a laugh track playing. "And while, uh, the fanfare is a bit much" he said, obviously downplaying how much he enjoyed it "I gotta say, it is pretty nice to finally get recognized. I mean sure, I can hardly remember any of last night but, uh *crunch*" George shrugged "Summer of George".
"Hey!" Frank yelled, getting the attention of the Falcons, "How does it feel knowin a kid sunk ya whole team!". Zarya did not take kindly to his gloating. "YOU ONLY WON BECAUSE MIDDLE AGE MAN WENT PSIKH!" she yelled, accusingly pointing at George. George just shrugged.
While the two teams continued to argue, the camera cut to Toriel, who looked fucking miserable. Her stomach was rumbling pretty loud now, and she seemed pretty embarrassed about it. She hadn't eaten in about 4 days. All the sweets she packed got gobbled up in the first 2 days, and the last thing she ate was that shitty soup from the Awake-A-Thon , so she was pretty hungry. Toriel eyed the door. She knew what she had to do.
Standing up, she navigates toward it, dodging various thrown plates and other items. The argument from before had rapidly devolved into a shitty food fight. "Pardon me, I just need, uh-" she ducks as a plate shatters on the wall behind her. Apparently, Goofy hadn't taken too kindly to Chad calling him a "Retarded Cartoon Character". "Just need to, uh, get some fresh air! heh.." she said, nervously squeezing past Peach's wheelchair.
Finally, the door! She was so close! Just a few more steps and she'd- "Good morning everyone!" Akechi announced, accidently slamming the door into Toriel's snout. "Agh!" she yelped, falling to floor. Akechi was totally oblivious "Sorry I missed breakfast, thought I'd catch up on some reading!" he said, enthusiastically holding up some Japanese book. Nobody was really paying attention, as they were all still fighting. Akechi just shrugged it off.
"Ow..." Toriel whined, holding her snout. "Oh, goodness!" Akechi said, noticing her on the ground "Are you alright?". Akechi offered his hand to help her up, but she refused, quickly rising to her feet. "Yes Yes I'm fine! heh.." she replied, covering her snout. "Are you sure? You like you're bleedi-" "I'm Fine!", she responded, hiding her intense nosebleed and shoving past him outside, trailing blood. "Well that was odd" he thought to himself. Again, he just shrugged it off.
Ignoring the fight, Akechi took his seat next Normahn, who had just been playing with the ARI the whole time. "Good morning Agent Jayden" he said, putting his stuff on the table. "Huh?" Norman said, taking off ARI "Oh hey Goro" he said, pinching the bridge of his nose tiredly. "I see you repaired the ARI" Akechi said, pointing to it. "Oh yeah, I managed to, uh, fix it with some schotch tape" Norman replied, holding it up. It looked like a piece of shit, but it was still functional apparently. Meanwhile, in the background, Zarya was holding Goofy down by the throat, nearly crushing his wind pipe whilst Dorothy desperately tried to pull peridorp off her back.
"What's with the umbrellah?" Norman asked. Akechi had an umbrella, for some fuckin reason. "Oh, well I thought the weather might be bad so I-" jUSt then a fucking THUNDERBOLT shot down from the sky outside, startling everyone. Even Mr T, who had fallen asleep meditating in the corner. The door opened, revealing the silhouette of man. It was Chris, and he looked disheveled as fuck.
"HeY hEY HEY PaRty PEeoPpLEEEEEEE" he slurred, stumbling in. I guess he had finally crashed off his drug high.
After stumbling around a bit, he finally collapsed on the Falcon table, vomiting all over it. Mike and Jay are seen cringing in disgust before taking sips from their beers.
"God-Fucking-Damnit" Chef mumbles, walking over to the comatose host. After pulling Chris's head back, Chef pulls out a small vial of white powder and sHOvES it right into his nose. Chris's eyes shoot open and he suddenly jumps upright, good as new, kinda like when Popeye eats some spinach, but instead of spinach it's coke.
"CAMPERS" he yells enthusiastically "HOWS IT GOIN". The room was a fucking mess from the fight earlier, but Chris was either too coked up to realize it or he just didn't give a fuck. "YOU GUYS READY FOR TODAY'S CHALLENGE?!" HE PRACTICALLY SCREAMED. "Finally, I thought the challenge was who could survive eatin that bacon!" Sophia said, a laugh track playing. I don't know why though cuz that joke was fucking terrible.
"MEET ME AT THE THUNDEROME BITCHES" he yelled, zooming out the door like Sonic.
The camera cut to the outside. Like Akechi had predicted, the weather was fucking terrible. Not only was it fucking pouring rain, but it was so dark outside that, despite being only 9 AM, it looked like night. Nobody seemed excited to follow him out. "Good thing I brought my umbrella!" Akechi said, smiling. Everyone else just glared at him.
Jerma was the first to leave, zooming out much like Chris did. Unfortunately, he slipped soon after exiting, face-planting in the mud. He was soon trampled by several other contestants, all desperate to get out of the rain.
"Would you like to accompany me?" Akechi asked, extending his umbrella out pointedly. Normahn thought it over for a moment. He flashed back to all the wacky shit he did in Heavy Rain, like getting hit by a car whilst chasing a guy, or fighting the OriGAHmi Killa. "No... No I think Ah'll be fine" he said, stoically walking out into the rain whilst dramatic music from the Heavy Rain OST played. "...Alright" Akechi said, somewhat weirded out.
Stepping out into the rain, Akechi intended to join the others, who were all currently trying to shield themselves from the downpour. However, something caught his eye. There was a light pole, which was shining down a little circle of light on the ground; it was very cinematic. On the edge of this circle, there appeared to a figure hunched over into the darkness. Stepping Closer, Akechi realized who it was.
"Miss Dreemur?" he asked. The figure turned around, revealing themselves. It was Toriel, and her mouth was full of grass. "Are you... Grazing?" he asked, perplexed. Toriel just knelt there, eyes wide like a deer in a headlight. Well, more accurately, like a goat caught in a headlight.
"Oh Gosh!" she let out holding her face in her hands, "This is so embarrassing!". She looked up again. "I-I always did this back home whenever I ran out of food, but I-I never thought anyone would actually find out!". She then let out a groan in frustration, putting her head back in her hands.
The two stared at one another awkwardly, the rain pouring down on the both of them. Toriel swallowed the grass and then broke the silence "A-A-Akechi! H-Hey!" she said nervously "Th-This isn't what it looks! heh... I-I was just, uh, I was- I was, um, I was jus-" "You were just hungry, right?" Akechi finished, having deduced the situation. Toriel bowed her head, ashamed, and nodded, rain pouring down on her.
Akechi let out a lil cough, and then responded, "Well, uh, heh, that's, uh, that's nothing to be ashamed of!" he said, trying to brighten the mood. "We all... get our food from... different places! Heheh! eh..." he said again. It wasn't really working. The rain continued to pour on Toriel whilst Akechi stayed dry under his umbrella. Akechi looked over to everyone else. Everyone had already made it to the "Thunderdome", which was brightly lit. Everyone except Jerma, who was comically trying, and failing, to pick himself up out of the mud.
Another thunderbolt reigned down, illuminating the pair. "Uh, Miss Dreemur? We really should get going..." he said anxiously. "I guess..." she said dismayedly, moving to stand up. "Need some help?" Akechi said, offering his hand. Toriel hesitated, but ultimately accepted his help, rising to her feet. "Would you like to share my umbrella as well?" he offered. "Oh, uh, n-no, t-that's fi-" "No really, I'd hate to see you get more wet" he insisted. She was pretty soaked. Reluctantly, she stepped under Akechi's umbrella, quietly saying "Thank you". The pair then set off together to join the others, her head down, and neither saying a word.
As they passed by Jerma, he reached out for one of them to help him. They were both totally oblivious, and just walked passed him, the compact streamer falling back into the mud.
"Miss Dreemur is certainly an... odd woman" he said, looking somewhat uneasy. "But she seems... nice I guess". He shifted in his seat "Certainly nicer than some of the other contestants".
Anyway after all that bullshit, everybody met with Chris inside the "Thunderdome". "THIS" Chris held out his arms "IS THE THUNDERDOME". It was more like a giant cubical glass arena with a dome roof, but whatever. At least it shielded them from the rain. Everyone filed their way into the brightly lit arena. The production staff had put out a few towels, and lil matt where the contestants could wipe the mud off their feet. It didn't really help, but it was nice to have I guess.
No one noticed Akechi and Toriel's arrival. As soon they entered, the latter quickly left her companion to join her team, leaving him standing alone. Well, alone at least until Jerma stumbled in behind him, collapsing onto the floor, out of breath and covered in mud. As Akechi stepped aside away from him (he didn't want to get his pants dirty after all) Chris explained what the fuck they were doing there.
"YOU DICKBAGS ARE ABOUT TO PLAY SOME MOTHERFUKKIN DODGEBALL" he said, pointing to the dirty, wet campers. "NOW I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN HOW FUCKING DODGEBALL WORKS" he said, holding one up "BUT IN CASE YOU GUYS ARE TOO RETARDED TO REMEMBER, HERE HOW IT GOES"
Chris then began demonstrating various moves. "IF YOU GET HIT, YOU'RE OUT" he then threw a ball at Peach, hitting her on the head. "IF YOU CATCH ONE'A THESE" he started spinning one on his finger "THE DUMBASS WHO THREW IT GETS OUT, AND YOU CAN BRING IN ONE OF YOUR OWN TEAMMATES". Peach didn't seem to notice her injury. "THERES SOME OTHER SHIT BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER" Chris said, stopping his spinning and holding the ball up.
"FIVE FROM EACH TEAM WILL START OFF EVERY ROUND, AND THE FIRST TEAM TO 3 WINS, WINS THE CHALLENGE, GOT IT?". "wat" Peach Garbled. With all that bullshit out of the way, Chris slammed his ball on the ground, yelling "ALRIGHT LETS GO".
Chad looked unimpressed. "Seriously? Dodgeball?" he just laughed "I mean come on now, w-what are we, fuckin, middle schoolers?" he laughed again.
"Dodgeball?" he said, a little panicked. "W-W-Why dodgeball? C-Couldn't we have played something else l-like Tetherball, o-o-or Basketball or somethin?!" his panic was much more apparent now "Why did it have to be dodgeball?!".
"Come on George!" Frank said, patting his friend on the back and moving onto the court. George reluctantly followed behind him, looking nervous. The camera panned over to Miss Frizzle, who looked giddy. "Why this is perfect!", she said excitedly. Coincidentally today she decided to wear her Dodgeball dress, which had little pictures of dodgeballs on it, along with two lil dodgeball earrings. How convenient.
Chad was busy figuring out who would go out for the Falcons "Olright, so, I'll go in first, along with Zarya and-" "I'll go" Sargon interjected. Chad looked at him, somewhat surprised. "Really, ya sure?" Chad asked. Sargon hesitated, but then said "Yeah, I'm sure". "Alright" Chad replied.
"I can't be 20th" he said, referring to the ranking from earlier. "I gotta show these fucks that I'm not playin around, right? That I'm in this to fuckin win it!" he declared.
"And then, uh," Chad looked around. "Where's Jerma?" he asked.
The camera panned over to Jerma, who was still lying on the floor, covered in mud.
"Ah shit" Chad groaned. "Anyone wanna take his place?" he asked his team, who had filed into the bleachers. "I'll do it" Jay said, abandoning his beer and Mike (who was still drinking). "*Snort* hey! Heh, I'll go too!" Peridorp exclaimed as well, smugly eying Sargon. "Alirght, lets fuckin do this!" Chad yelled encouragingly.
For the Rats, there was Frank, George, Miss Frizzle, Goofy, and Normahn. They were on the right.
For the Falcons, there was Chad, Sargon, Zarya, Jay, and Peridorp. They were on the left.
The two teams each had 3 balls on their side.
They are both shown warming up, with Zarya cracking her knuckles and Normahn doin a lil jog in place.
Chef LOUDLY blows the whistle and the match begins, with both groups being cheered for by their respective teams.
George is the first to pick up a ball, awkwardly smiling and waving to those on the bleachers. Nervously staring down the other team, who were all anticipating his throw, he summoned all his might and threw the ball. The Falcons easily dodged the throw. The ball ricocheted off the wall behind them, comically hitting George square in the face, the laugh track going fucking insane. Chef blows his whistle.
The camera cut to Sophia in the bleachers "Oh God..." she groaned, another laugh track playing. "Is he out?" Jay is seen asking. "HUH?" Chris turns around; there's still a bit of coke under his nose. "OH, UH..." Chris pulls out a lil dodgeball rules book and skims through. "YEAH SURE WHATEVER" he then tosses the book across the arena, nearly hitting Dorothy in the face. Chef blows his whistle again and George gets up, nervously laughing "Heh, S-Sorry about that..." and taking his seat. A lil counter appeared on screen, Dinging the Rats down to 4 players. 5-4.
Anything4viewz laughed "Ey! Nice throw ya fuckin imbecil!" he mocked. Suddenly, a ball slammed into the side of his face, stunning him. His mocking had left him wide open, and Miss Frizzle had taken advantage, smugly smiling. One blow of the whistle later, Chad had taken his seat on the bleachers, angrily throwing his ball back as he went. *Ding* 4-4.
Zarya got an aggressive look in her eyes. Picking up two dodgeballs, she hurled them toward the rats. Normahn was her target. Surprised by her onslaught, he quickly moved to dodge. He managed to narrowly avoid the first two balls by landing the quick time events. Unfortunately, when Zarya threw her third ball, he pressed triangle instead of square and got hit in the stomach. "OUGH" he hollered, clutching his abdomen. The whistle blew, and Normahn went back to the bleachers, nursing his wound. *Ding* 4-3.
"H'YUCK, a-alright, no more H'yuckin around!" Goofy said, gathering the balls Zarya threw. Pinpointing his shots, he started his onslaught, the other Rats following suit.
"Oh shit!" Jay yelled, running to dodge the attack. He managed to duck under the first ball, but the second one hit him in the arm. "Ah crap" he moaned, returning to his seat. *Ding* 3-3.
Sargon prepared to return fire, but Peridorp interrupted him. "*Snort* Hey Sargon!" she shouted, messing up his throw. "What?!" he asked, turning around. The camera then showed Goofy catching his ball, getting him out. Peridorp just chuckled "N-Nothin!". Sargon groaned as he returned to his seat, Goofy using the out to bring George back in. *Ding* 2-4.
The Rats turned their attention toward her. Peridorp, like Normahn, managed to evade most the balls thrown her away. However, after the 3rd ball, she stopped to taunt Goofy, blowing her tongue at him. She was then hit, the ball propelling her backwards and slamming her against the wall. "OoF!" she yelled in pain. *Ding* 1-4.
Zarya was the only one left, but she had all the balls. She glared at Goofy across the arena.
"Huh, Huh, H'YUCK, l-like to see you try ya b-b-b-big bitc-" before Goofy could finish, a ball fucking collided into his face, knocking out several teeth. Goofy laid on the floor unconscious. Zarya then began rapid firing dodgeballs. *Ding* 1-3.
Frank was the next to go, getting knocked down by a ball, followed by George and Miss Frizzle, the former of which had used for cover, much to the enjoyment of the live studio audience. *Ding* *Ding* *Ding*. 1-0.
Zarya is shown flexing one arm. "Little rats are no match for Bitseps" she says, kissing one of her biceps.
Chef blew his whistle. Round 1 was over.
"LOOKS LIKE THIS WIN GOES TO FALCONS!" Chris screamed.
Cheering erupted from the Falcon side, whilst the Rats looked on, mouths agape, at their champions writhing on the floor.
AN: hey GUYS I deceided to split this chapper in half cuz it was 2 long. the actual episode is not 2 parts just the fanfic it's just a commercial break its not a 2 part eppisdoe kay thanks anyway ur gonna haf to read the other one to get the full episode sorry it was jjust 2 long :(
After a few shitty ads, The Camera jump cut to the Rats in a team huddle.
"Did you see that?!" Frank said, alarmed "That fuckin Russian broad took us out like it was nothin!".
"I'll say!" Sophia interjected "How the hell do ya miss a 6'5 bodybuilder?!" she said, a laugh track playing.
"What, ya sayin this is our fault?" Frank asked, offended.
"I'm just sayin, maybe if Goof Troop over here hadn't gotten so cocky" she explained, pointing over to Goofy, who was still knocked "we might'a could'a won this!".
"Well if you're so sure, why don't you to take his place" Frank retorted.
"Love to!" Sophia said defiantly.
"Wha- Ma! Did you see what that woman did! I-I mean look at her!" Dorothy interrupted. The camera panned over to Zarya, who was drinking from a water bottle. After she was done, she crushed it from cap to bottom. She then tossed the flat disk to side, where something could be heard breaking in the background. "She could jump-rope with your spine!" Dorothy added.
"What about you?" Miss Frizzle asked "If your so concerned then why don't you take her place?" she challenged. Dorothy nervously scoffed at this proposal "Wha- Me? I- heh... No, I-I couldn't, I'd-" everyone looked at her expectantly "Oh... Fine!" she relented, Miss Frizzle smiling.
****Confession: Miss Frizzle****
"I just hope that substitute can keep up" she said, dismissively filing her nails. "After all, its not like she does any actual work".
The camera cut to the Falcons' bleachers, where Toriel could be seen looking dejected. "Oi, the fucks the matter with you?" Chad asked. "Oh, uh, nothing! heh.." she replied, putting on a fake smile. "Roight, well you're in next round, so's beer boy over there" he responded, referring to Mike, who was finishing another beer. "O-Okay!" she responded in the same fake enthusiasm, sighing as he left.
Back to the Rats.
"I can volunteer if you like" Akechi offered. "I have never played Dodgeball before but I-" "Yeah, Yeah, whatever you're in" Frank replied, not really caring.
"Look, if we wanna win we gotta fight fire with fire, you feelin me?" Frank said. He then raised head from the huddle. "Yo T!" he yelled. Mr T looked up from the book he was reading. "Come on man, you're in". "I cannot" Mr T calmly replied .
"What? Why the hell not?" Frank responded, surprised. "I have taken a vow of peace; I can do no harm to another". Frank was dumbfounded. Mr T held up his book: Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace. "I was profoundly inspired to do so by the writings of Tolstoy; as he put it, 'it is th-" "I don't give a fuck about Tolstoy!" Frank yelled, knocking the book out of Mr T's hand. "Y-You're supposed to be Mr T! You were on the fucking A-Team! What the hell happened to that!?" he shouted.
Chef blew his whistle, signaling the teams to get back on the court. Mr T remained defiant "I will not participate" he said, coolly picking up his book and resuming his reading.
"Shit! Uh..." Frank still needed 1 more teammate. Frank picked up Remy "Alright come on lil guy you're in!" he said, tossing him onto the court.
The Falcons had Zarya, Anything4viewz, Toriel, Sargon, and Mike.
The Rats had Frank, Miss Frizzle, Dorothy, Akechi, and Remy.
Chef blew his whistle and the round began.
Sargon was the first to throw. Holding the dodgeball in his hands, he closed his eyes. Gathering strength, he channeled all of his hatred and all of his rage into the ball. Opening his eyes, he pulled the ball back dramatically, and then thrust his arm forward, launching the ball into th- "CHOKE" Peridorp shouted. Sargon's would-be-glorious throw rapidly fizzled out into light toss, easily being caught by Frank.
Sargon just stood there in shock, maintaining his throw stance, as Chef blew his whistle, with Frank bringing the reluctant George in. Snapping out of it, Sargon began to furiously fume, angrily storming out the Thuderdome's back entrance, passing by Peridorp, who was struggling to not burst out laughing. *Ding* 4-6.
Peridorp is shown wildly laughing, struggling to breathe at some points.
Peridorp can be seen kneeling and pressing her hands and face against the glass wall, where Sargon could be seen sitting on the other side, thunder sounding in the distnace. "*Snort* I think he's crying!" she snickered to the cameraman. An outside camera zoomed in on him. He is sitting leaned against the Thunderdome, arms crossed, rain pouring down on him. His face was red and was stuck in a permanent scowl, and he appeared to be softly shaking with rage. Due to the rain, it was impossible to tell whether or not he was crying. Maybe that was the point. Anyway, back to the game.
"Olright, Let me show you all how it's fuckin done!" Chad said, hurling a ball at Dorothy.
Dorothy panicked, turning around and ducking to cover her face and head. As you can guess, it wasn't very effective. The ball collided with her back, and chef's familiar whistle rang out, signaling her defeat. "Typical" Miss Frizzle muttered as Dorothy rejoined her mother in shame. "Hey, at least you still have your dignity" Sophia remarked, a laugh track following. *Ding* 4-5.
Soon after, Remy, in an amazing feat of strength, managed to pick up a ball. Holding it high above his head, he stumbled to the Division Line, finally letting go in a meager toss. The ball went maybe 2 feet off the ground before landing on the wooden floor. It then slowly rolled over to Mike, who was just standing there, drunk, and hit his shoe, getting him out *whistle*. Remy held his lil rat arms high in victory, but his celebration was cut short by a speeding ball, which almost killed him. *Ding* 3-4.
Balls started to fly more rapidly after that. As the two teams tensely dodged the incoming shots, (some more competently than others), the camera focused on the Rats. More specifically, on George and Miss Frizzle.
Whilst Miss Frizzle gracefully dodged every incoming shot, George had the reflexes of a fucking sea turtle.
"*Huff* Who the hells idea was it *Huff* to teach such a vicious game *Huff* to children?!" he said, exhaustedly diving out of the way of an incoming ball.
"Well George!" Miss Frizzle said, effortlessly spinning out of the way of an incoming ball.
"Dodgeball originated from a ritual practiced by certain African tribes!" she continued, both still dodging "Warriors would throw large rocks and petrified matter at each other in order prepare themselves for war!".
She tossed a ball to George (who was on the floor) who used it at the last moment to deflect an incoming shot. "When missionary James H. Carlisle observed the ritual, he was so fascinated and inspired that he created his own version when he returned to the States!" Miss Frizzle leaned back like in the Matrix, dodging a ball "Using leather balls instead of rocks!".
She took off her two Dodgeball earrings "Since then, it has spread and evolved!". She threw them both at Chad, getting him out "Turning into the sport we know today!" she finished, placing her hands on her hips and smiling. George exasperatedly picked himself up. "Thanks" he panted, clearly not appreciating the impromptu history lesson.
Meanwhile on the Falcon side, Toriel was still somehow on the court, timidly avoiding every threat and letting out lil yelps in the process. When a ball landed next to her, she impulsively picked it up. Holding it though, she was indecisive of what to do next. "Well don't just stand there, throw it!" Chad yelled from the bleachers. Pressure mounting, she closed her eyes and reluctantly threw the ball, turning her head away.
"Man, *huff*, I haven't run this much since Tenth Gra-" before George could finish, Toriel's ball collided with his groin, causing him to stiffen up and fall forward, groaning in pain, the laugh track fucking imploding.
Opening her eyes, Toriel realized what she had done. "Oh gosh! Uh, s-sorry!" she called out. "I-I didn't mean t-" unfortunately her apology was cut short when a stray ball landed right on her face. "Ow!" she yelped, clutching her eye. The thrower was none other than Akechi, who winced at what he had done. "Oooh... Sorry Miss Dreemur!" He shouted as she returned to her seat, still holding her eye. George still laid on the ground, groaning in pure agony. No one moved to help him. *Ding* 1-3.
Once again, Zarya was the only Falcon left. Unlike last time, though, both sides had a near equal amount dodgeballs. "Alright, easy out here guys, easy out". Frank said, holding up ball "Watch". Zarya staring him down, the balding Philadelphian made his shot. The speeding rubber ball came to an abrupt stop in Zarya's palm. Using her raw strength, she crushed the ball in her muscular hand, popping it. She then pulled the rubber of the ball back like a slingshot and propelled it back.
Frank was too busy prematurely celebrating, and thus had his back turned. "And that's how ya do it folks, what I tell ya? What I tell y-" the speeding rubber projectile slammed into the back of his neck like a rubber bullet, causing him much pain. "AGH, What the Hel-" Frank turned around only to greeted by another speeding ball, hitting him in the face (which wasn't necessary cuz he was already out) "FUCK" he yelled, falling to the floor. Zarya is shown smugly smiling and cracking her knuckles. *Ding* 1-2.
"HEY" Chris shouted "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU BRINGING IN" referring to the fact that Frank's out was due to her initial catch and not all the overkill shit she did after.
Zarya held her hand up to Chris, exclaiming "IT IS OF LITTLE CONCERN".
Alarmed, Miss Frizzle attempted to get Zarya out with a quick throw. Zarya's reflexes were too fast however, and she deflected the shot with another dodgeball. The ball ricocheted back and hit the Friz right in the chest, knocking the wind out of her. Another ball soon followed, knocking Akechi out as well. *Ding* 1-0.
One whistle blow later and the round was over; another win for the Falcons.
The Falcons cheered as triumphant music played. Zarya just chuckled. "IT BRINGS ME MUCH JOY TO DEFEAT PUNY RAT TEAM" she gloated, magnificently flexing her massive muscles. All the Rats could do was just watch in defeat.
The Falcons now had 2-0 lead over the Rats. All they needed was one more win.
The camera cut back to the Rats.
"That fuckin Ruskys destroyin us!" Frank complained. "E-Everytime we get a fuckin lead she just come outs there and BAM we're all fuckin dead!".
"Yes, it appears that Miss Zaryanova is, figuratively speaking, carrying the Falcons" Akechi replied, rubbing his chin. "If she were to somehow be... incapacitated, it's possible we could retake the lead" he proposed.
Frank thought this over. He then smiled, getting an idea.
The Falcons consisted of Sargon, Peridorp, Zarya, Mario, and Peach.
And the Rats consisted of Frank, Goofy (who had regained consciousness), Normahn, Miss Frizzle, and Akechi.
Whilst the two teams lined up, the camera cut to Falcons' bleachers, where Jerma was finally starting to recover from being trampled.
"Why are all like the worst players out there?" he asked, the camera cutting to peach weakly holding a dodgeball.
"I mean, its tha last round anyway, so, its not loik-" before Chad could finish a fuckIGN GUNSHOT landed right in Zarya's kneecap. "NYET" the brute screamed, falling to the floor.
"What the fuck?!" Chad yelled, Chef blowing his whistle.
The camera cut to the Rats's side where Frank was standing suspiciously close to a smoking revolver. "Oh uh WHOOPS, heh, I accidentally, uh, dropped my gun and it went off, sorry" he said unconvincingly.
"If we're gonna win this thing we gotta get a little unorthodox, ya know?" he said waving his gun around. He was seriously underplaying the whole situation "I mean its not like I shot her anywhere important, it was just her knee!".
"Chris come on that's gotta be like a fuckin foul or somethin!" Chad shouted. Chris just shrugged, struggling to hold back laughter. Akechi put his hand on Chad's shoulder "It was an accident, Chad. Accidents happen". Chad shook him off "Get the fuck off me!".
Chef blew his whistle again. "WELL, LOOKS LIKE YOU CUNTS ARE GONNA HAVE TO FIND A REPLACEMENT" Chris said, with Zarya being carried off in a stretcher in the background.
"Alright, time for you ta get out there" Chad said pushing Jerma to the court. "What? No! I'm covered in mud!" he objected, referring to his clothes "My shirt looks like someone wiped their fucking ass with it!". Chad just kept pushing him "Go!" "Ugh, Fine!".
Round 3 (Again):
Everything was the same except the Falcons now had Jerma instead of Zarya.
Chef's whistle blowing, the two teams began their brawl.
A few balls were thrown Jerma's way, but he expertly ducked and dodged them.
"Too fast!" Jerma taunted, doing a rapid sort of zig-zag motion to get a ball "I'm like Sonic! I'm too-" Unfortunately he still had some mud on his shoes and ended up slipping "FUCK". As he lay on the ground, clutching his badly injured shin, a ball hits him in the face. Jerma gets up and limps back to the bleachers, a whistle and ding accompanying him. 4-5.
A rapid back-and-forth developed soon after. Even though Peach seemed like an easy target, Mario was too fucking agile and kept pushing her out of harm's way. And Sargon, despite being soaking wet, was still able to effectively dodge. So for like 10 minutes it was just people throwing and dodging, no one getting out. "My god... I haven't been this bored since I watched that Fifty Shades of Grey movie!" Sophia is shown saying, more canned laughter playing.
Unfortunately for the Falcons, Mario soon slipped up whilst pushing her out of the way. Peach was now wide open. Seizing the opportunity, Frank soon directed a shot at her. Recovering from his fall, Mario realized what was happening. "NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" he exclaimed, jumping in front of Peach in slow motion. Peach remained absolutely oblivious as her husband epically failed to protect her, completely missing. Luckily though, the ball she was holding in her frail lil hands managed to deflect it. Unluckily though, it then bounced off the ceiling and onto the back of Mario's head, getting him out. Peach lifted her ball up a lil "i did it" she murmured happily. Unfortunately, another ball soon followed, hitting her in the face "ohhhh..." she murmered sadly. *Ding* 2-4.
The focus shifted over Normahn. Since Stalling Rules didn't exist in this game, he had held onto the same ball for about a minute, using it to deflect and shit. Finally an opportunity presented itself. Moving to throw, he successfully hit all the button prompts, except last one, where he pressed R1 instead of R2. Unsurprisingly the ball missed, and Sargon took the chance to retaliate. Normahn had two choices: Catch it [Square] or Dodge it [Circle]. He moved to dodge it but didn't press Triangle in time and got hit in the ribs, getting him out. *Ding* 2-3.
Sargon, for a brief moment, looked happy. He had finally gotten someone out! Unfortunately this didn't last as, right after, Peridorp had already started bullying him again. "Heh, *Snort* Ya like to hit other guys with your balls, Sargon?" she snickered. He tried his best to ignore her "Ya like to play with balls? *Snort*". Sargon remained silent, sidestepping a ball. Peridorp, realizing she was being ingored, doubled down "*Snort* Ya know, I noticed that you've voluntered for every *snort* round so far, eventhough you always get out!". Sargon began to huff angrily. "Are ya some sort of *snort* masochist or something?" she snickered "a Gay Masochist?!". Sargon was near his breaking point. Peridorp smugly continued "Maybe you should *snort* change your name from Sargon of Akkad" she chuckled "to Sargon of AFFAG!".
"That's it!" Sargon suddenly picked up Peridorp by her green dorito hair and used her as a shield. A ball collided with her stupid lil gremlin face and she was out. Peridorp just looked stunned as she was dropped to the floor, Chef's whistle blowing soon after. Sargon smiled triumphantly. *Ding* 1-3.
"Oi!" Chad yelled "What the fuck was that?!". Despite Sargon's personal victory, the Falcon's were now down yet another player "You just got her out ya daft cunt!" he continued. Sargon realized he was the only one left. "I-It's Fine! I-I just gotta-" the moment turned he to reface the Rats he was met with a barrage of Balls from the Rat team. He failed to dodge a single one and they all collided with his body, knocking him down and getting him out. *Ding* 0-3.
The Rats' faces lit up. The round was theirs!
As the Rats cheered and high fived and shit, an embarrassed looking Sargon returned to the bleachers, Chad glaring at him.
"You have got to be fucking kidding me" he said, rubbing the bridge of his nose.
Chris was supposed to say something here, but he took a few too many painkillers mid-round and blacked out. Oh well.
The camera cut to the Rats in another Team huddle.
"Alright, that was great!" Frank said "All we gotta do now is just keep momentum". "I'm gonna sit this round out, okay?" he pointed to George "George I want you to take my place". George was shocked by this decision "What?! Wh-Wh-Why?! W-Why me?!" he asked, panicking. "Cuz I've been out there since Round 1 and my feet are fuckin killin me!" Frank replied "And besides, you're a natural born leader!". "No I'm not!" George responded, the laugh track also sharing this sentiment.
Dorothy spoke up "Frank, I disagree". She continued "Every time George goes out there it's been a disaster; he can't hit anything!" "What, you saying I'm not good enough?" George said, tone instantly changing. "Yeah, ya saying he aint good enough?" Frank added, stirring the pot. "Wh- No! That's not what I'm saying, all I'm saying is-" "Ya know at least I can actually dodge a ball!" George exclaimed, cutting her off. "I-I don't duck a like a little girl the moment one comes my way!" he continued sassily.
"He has a point, ya know" Sophia added. "Ma!" Dorothy exclaimed, hurt by her mother's words. "Face it, Dorothy, you were never cut for organized sports" she continued "I remember back when you were in grade school, you'd always come home crying whenever you played tetherball, sayin it was 'too hard' and that ya 'couldn't do it'. How hard is it to hit a ball back and forth?!" the live studio audience fucking lost it.
Dorothy threw her hands up in defeat "Fine, fine do whatever!".
"Alright" Frank continued "Goofy you good?". "A-huck! Yup" Goofy replied, giving a retarded thumbs up. "What about you Friz?" Frank asked again. "Why, I'm as fit as a fiddle!" she said, giving an enthusiastic smile. Akechi objected "Are you sure? You've been in every round since the beginning. Perhaps you should take a rest". The schoolteacher balked at the suggestion "Nonsense! I live for the sport!". Akechi relented.
The camera panned up, revealing a dispute on the Falcon side.
"Oh come on! You'll put her in but not me?" Sargon yelled, referring to Toriel, who had a pretty nasty black eye from what happened earlier.
"You're not going back in, cunt!" Chad yelled. "Why not?! I-I got a hit in! I got someone out! What's the fucking problem?!" Sargon replied, exasperated. "You can't just use someone like a fucking human shield!" he responded, referring to Peridorp, who was blowing her tongue at Sargon "You might as well've been playing for the other fucking team!".
"But I-" "ENOUGH" Chad cut him off "Alright?! Ya staying ere!". Sargon huffed angrily, but ultimately accepted his fate, sitting down and crossing his arms.
"Unbelievable! I-I finally get somethin good goin on ere, and that fat bastard benches me!".
The fat bastard turned his attention to Jerma, who was nursing his lower leg. "Ey, ya goin in again next round" "What? No, I'm not going in!" the short streamer responded. "I fucking sprained my Ankle, I need rest!" he insisted "Yah, well that's too fuckin bad" Chad responded, not giving a single fuck.
"Oi! Booze Brothers!" he called out, getting Mike and Jay's attention. "You cunts are goin in too" Mike and Jay just looked at each other.
****Confession: Mike and Jay****
"S-So if we're like the, like the Blues, t-the Booze, the, the-" Mike drunkenly stumbled over his words "The Blooze Brothers or whatever, which one of us is Dan Aykroyd?". "I don't think he was referencing the Blues Brothers, Mike, I think he was just insulting us" Jay responded. Mike looked down disappointedly "Oh...".
Playing for the Falcons, we have Anything4viewz, Toriel, Jerma, Jay, and Mike.
Playing for the Rats, we have, Goofy, Akechi, Miss Frizzle, George and Sophia.
Another whistle, another round.
Anything4viewz threw first. The ball he chucked was directed at Sophia, but she dodged it.
"Thought ya could get the old lady out first, eh?" she mocked. Picking up the ball, she quickly retaliated, hurling it his way.
Chad anticipated the ball's path, and moved out of harm's way. The oblivious Jay, however, was still in its path.
"Well I mean, like, appearance-wise, I think you'd be more John Belush-" Jay's ongoing conversation with Mike was ended when the ball hit him right in the chest. "Agh, what the fuck?" Jay said, wincing in pain.
"hEY" Mike exclaimed "YoU FUCkiNG BiTCH". He then threw his beer bottle across the arena. He didn't really have good aim though, so the bottle ended up hitting Goofy instead. It shattered on impact, impaling his face with many shards of glass, causing him to scream out in pain.
"Wh- Chris he can't do that!" George shouted. Chris was passed out on floor.
Nevertheless, Goofy was out, some paramedics picking his writhing body off the floor and carrying him off. *Ding* 4-4.
After the initial "skirmish" phase, all out war broke out.
Despite what the previous play might've made you think, Mike was still the slow, apathetic, drunk that well all know and love and so he ended getting hit pretty early on. *Whistle* *Ding* 3-4.
Unfortunately, George was also still the slow, incompetent, fucking idiot that we all know and love, so when Chad threw a ball his way he hilariously scrambled to avoid it, only to land in the path of another ball, which him in right in the face. He was out again, much to Frank's chagrin. *Ding* 3-3.
"I gotta say, George is really shittin the bed here" he said, taking a bite out of a candy bar. "I mean the guy did so well last challenge, what the hell happened? *Crunch*". "You know what?" he said whilst chewing "I probably should've given him some crack or somethin before he went out there" he said, wiping his hands on his shirt.
Toriel was the next to go. She had actually manage to survive pretty long, fearfully evading every threat. That was, of course, until Akechi did a lil curve ball technique and the ball slammed into her in her lower back. "Ow!" she yelped, nearly falling over. Life before, Akechi winced. "Oh, uh, s-sorry again!" he called out as she walked off the court, holding her back. *Ding* 2-3.
Jerma had to limp the entire time he was out there since his ankle was all fucked up. Despite this, he actually managed to be an elusive target. At least until Miss Frizzle took out his other leg. "Aghhh..." he groaned, laying on the floor. *Ding* 1-3.
Despite her team's recent victories, The Friz looked rather exhausted. "Uh, Miss Frizzle? Are you alright?" Akechi asked worriedly. "*Pant* Who? *Pant* Me? *Pant* Of course!" Miss Frizzle replied, straightening herself out. "I could do this all da-" jusT THEn a ball impacted her jaw at a high velocity. The collision was recorded in slow motion, with the shot knocking the spit out of her mouth and her body being knocked back. It was very cinematic. She landed on her back, unconscious.
The thrower was none other Chad, the last Falcon standing. He looked pretty pleased that he had incapacitated one of the Rats' best players. At least he looked pleased until Akechi and Sophia decided to double team his ass. He managed to dodge the first barrage, but was fucking decimated by the second, joining Miss Frizzle in unconsciousness. *Ding* 0-2.
As the Rats cheered their champions, Sophia congratulated her partner. "Nice work out there, Hakechi" Sophia panted "Miss Petrillo, it's A-" "Yeah, sure, whatever" she replied, not really caring.
The two teams were now tied. 2-2.
The next round would decide it all.
And Sargon knew it.
This was his chance. With Chad out of the way, he could finally step up and be the leader his team needed. The leader who would win the game. The leader who wouldn't be in 20th place.
He didn't have to say it. You could see it on his face as he excitedly eyed that fat bastard being dragged to safety.
"Olright! So..." he announced, standing up "Seeing as Chad's outta commission, we're gonna really haf to work hard to win here". There was awkward silence as everyone just looked at him. He was the only enthusiastic one there. Sargon coughed "Heh, well! Uh..." he looked around "Mike!" "Huh?" "You, uh, you think you can in another round?" he asked. "Sure, I guess" he replied, taking a swig from his comically large hip flask. "Alright! Uh, Jay?" "I don't know, I mean..." as Sargon was busy figuring shit out, the camera panned over to the Rats, where Frank and Normahn could be seen arguing.
"Come on, juhst gimme anotha chance!" the FBI agent pleaded "I wahsn't focused thehn, but I know I can do iht!".
Frank was unconvinced "I can't do that, alright? It's our last round and two of our best players just got fuckin knocked out; we can't afford any variables! And frankly, so far you've been total shit." Frank replied. Normahn persisted "I-I just messehd up the button prompts, it won't happen agaihn!". Frank looked confused "Button Prompts? What the fuck are you talking about?". Normahn didn't have an answer. "I think those glasses are startin to fuck with ya head or somethin, man!" Normahn just stood as there as Frank walked away.
****Confession: Normahn Jayhden****
"Y-Ya know, th-the buhtton... prompts" he said, unsure of himself "Th-There's Trianhgle, Squarhe, uh, C-Circle, R1 and L1...". He looked like he was starting to question reality itself "...Y-Y-You know what Ah'm talking about, right?".
"Uh, Frank? If I may?" Akechi said, stopping him. "Norman is a Federal Agent, I imagine he must have had extensive physical training in order to get that position. Certainly more than, say, Mr. Costanza". The camera cut to George, who was currently trying pick a peanut out of his teeth from the Snickers he just ate.
"Sure, he's been a little... unfocused, but, given the circumstances, I think he could really pull through for us here. I implore you, Please, I implore you, reconsider" Frank thought it over. George and Dorothy were both horrifically incompetent, and since Mr T was still refusing to compete, he didn't really have any other options.
He finally relented "Ahhhhhh Fine. He can go in, but no bullshit okay?" "Of course" the young detective replied.
As Frank went off screen, Normahn emerged from the background and shook Akechi's hand "Thanks Goro, I-I don't know what to say" "Think nothing of it" he replied, smiling.
"I must say, Agent Jayden's performance so far has been rather... underwhelming" his tone was quite serious, a sharp contrast to the friendly persona he put on before. "Given his experience in law enforcement, I figured this challenge would suit him quite well, but... that just hasn't been the case" Akechi wiped some dirt off his shoulder "For now I'll chock it up to the previous challenge; he did seem rather tired this morning" he made direct eye contact with the camera "Nevertheless, I am still deeply disappointed".
The camera cut back to the Falcons' side.
Sargon had managed to get Mike, Mario, and Toriel to go in. But he still need one more.
"*Snort* Hey! What about me?" Peridorp asked, raising her lil gremlin hand. Sargon nervously scoffed "What? You? No" he replied quickly. "Why not?" Peridorp asked in a serious tone. She had been acting differently since Sargon used her as a human shield. Instead of the smug lil cunt we all know and love, she had instead been eerily quiet, simply sitting in her seat and glaring at Sargon.
Frankly she had been acting like a little bitch.
Sargon stumbled with his words "Y-You just CANt, Okay?!" he said panicking. He looked around, desperate for an escape. "Peach!" he called out "You're in!". Peridorp just glared at him again "Fine..." she mumbled, falling back into her seat. The camera cut to Peach "oh yeahhhhhh" she gargled happily.
The Penultimate Round
The Falcons' champions consisted of Sargon, Mario, Mike, Peach, and Toriel.
And the Rats' champions were Frank, Normahn, Akechi, Sophia, and Remy.
The two teams stared each other down. Two bolts of lightning rained down from the sky, illuminating them both. With the crack of thunder, and the ring of the whistle, the round began.
"Remy!" Frank whispered, leaning down to his lil rat ears "Do the thing!". Remy gave a lil "ok" sign and then rushed to get a ball. Painstakingly lifting the ball, he summoned every drop of his rat strength and tossed the ball high into the air.
The target was, once again, Mike Motherfucking Stoklasa, who was too fucking drunk to notice the projectile. "Mike!" Sargon yelled, breaking him out of his trance. "Wha-?" the ball landed perfectly in his hand. The whistle blew and Remy's lil Rat ass was sent packing back to the stands. Mike realized the situation. "Heyyyyy, look at that" he said in muted enthusiasm "That's a winner. That's a-" another ball flew toward him and knocked the ball out of his hand (Chris didn't mention it earlier but that means ur out) "Oh...". Sargon face palmed.
Mike was now out, but chef reminded him that he still had to choose someone to bring in. Mike pointed his finger out to choose who would replace him. It initially landed on Jay, but then went all over the fucking place before settling in between Jerma and Peridorp.
The camera switched to Mike's POV. His vision was quite blurry due to his inebriation, and his pointed finger kept swaying between the two. "Pick Jerma" Sargon said impatiently over Mike's shoulder. Mike's finger shifted in Peridorp's direction "No, Jerma, not her" it kept shifting "Not her, Anyone but her!". Mike wasn't listening "Literally anyone but her!" Sargon grabbed onto his arm to try and shift it away, but it was futile "Stop, STO-" "I choose Beridot" Mike said drunkenly. Peridorp did a lil a "yes!" motion and ran out onto the court, Sargon powerless to stop her. *Ding* 5-4.
After that the balls started flying.
For some goddamn reason, though, the camera decided to focus on those two hack frauds, the royalty free song "Buddy" playing in the background.
Mike had just taken his seat next to Jay on the top row, and had cracked open the last beer, taking a swig. Jay turned to face his companion.
"Mike, does it seem like this challenge has been going on for way too long?" Jay asked. "W-What do you mean Jay?" Mike responded.
"Well, I don't know. It just feels like this game of Dodgeball has been going on for fucking ever" Jay continued. The camera cut to a behind shot of the two. In the background of this shot, you could see that the Falcons were desperately trying, and failing, to get someone out. "How hard is it to hit an old fuckin lady!" Sargon could be heard yelling.
"Maybe it just seems that way cuz Chris hasn't been hurrying us along so he can do more drugs, and plus, uh, the fact that it's been raining like fucking Hurricane Katrina since we got here" Mike suggested. Jay nodded "That is true". Meanwhile, Mario was screaming like a lil bitch trying to wheel his wife out of the way of an incoming artillery strike of dodgeballs.
"Do you remember t-that Movie, uh, Dodgeball that came out in like 2004 or 2005?" Mike asked, completely de-railing their previous conversation. "Uh, you mean the one with Ben Stiller and Vince Va- "And Vince Vaughn, yeah" Mike finished. "Well I was reading about it on my phone during the last, uh, break or whatever and I came across something rather interesting. Apparently it's very possible that the script for the film was stolen, as in some other guy did it and they just ripped him off" "Really?" Jay asked, interested. "Yeah, in the article I was reading there were these two guys; uh, David Price and Ashoka Thomas. They claimed that..." as Mike and Jay continued their pointless, godawful conversation, the camera finally cut to the court to get some action.
The off-screen dodgeball massacre that had occurred left the Falcons down two players. Toriel, who had a dodgeball get impaled on one of her horns, and Mario, who had gotten absolutely fucking destroyed by a barrage of balls. *Ding* 3-4. The latter of the two eliminations posed the most problems; who the fuck was gonna wheel Peach around?
"I can't just-a leave her!" Mario insisted, desperate to keep his vegetable wife safe. Sargon had to think fast. He only had a few seconds before the battle would resume. "I'll do it!" he exclaimed, suddenly grabbing her wheelchair handles and pushing her. "whoahh" Peach garbled, surprised. Sargon just sighed as he wheeled her back onto the court.
"The things I fuckin do..." he said, holding his forehead.
And so, the round resumed, with Sargon wheeling around an extra 200 or so pounds of literal dead weight.
Not long after this development, Chad finally came to.
"Agh fuck... What the hell happened?" he asked, groggily rubbing his bruised head.
"You got knocked out" Jerma replied.
"I did? What the fuck am I doin ere' then?" he asked.
"The paramedics said that they'd rather 'Let that fat fuck get a concussion' then have to haul you off" "Oh..." Chad replied.
"Oh no... Oh no what the fuck is he doing?!" Chad said, suddenly realizing the situation on the court.
Sargon was currently wheeling Peach around the court, dodgeballs flying past them. When Mario did it, it was pretty graceful, cuz ya know I guess he was just used to having to push his potato wife around. But when Sargon did it, it looked pretty shitty; in fact it was a miracle that they hadn't already gotten hit.
"Who the hell let him go back in there?!" he demanded.
"Well, uh, after you got knocked out, Sargon kinda took charge and-" "He took charge?" chad asked, baffled. "Why the fuck'd you let him do that?! Sargon can't lead!". The camera cut to Sargon, who was still desperately trying to protect his feeble companion. "Why couldn't you do it?!" "Well my legs hurt" "Ya legs hurt?! Are you fucking kidding me?!" Chad was beyond pissed.
"Sargon? A leader? Gimme a fuckin break, the guy couldn't lead a dog down a sidewalk!".
The camera cut back to Sargon. Pushing around Peach was a real pain in the ass. Especially when she was constantly going "wheeeee" as they weaved in between balls.
Frank is shown throwing a ball. As he did so, his bag of "Oregano" from earlier in the episode fell out of his shirt pocket. "Ah shit, my weed!" he exclaimed, reaching to pick it back up.
Sargon, noticing the incoming ball, instinctively ducked behind Peach's wheelchair. The ball ended up hitting Peach instead, who just garbled incoherently. Sargon grabbed the ball that had hit her and, still using her wheelchair for cover, threw it at the vulnerable Frank, getting him out. *Ding* 2-3.
As Chef's whistle blew, Sargon realized what a valuable asset that Peach's wheelchair was. Moveable cover on an open battlefield!
"Hey, Teabag!" Chef yelled "That cripples gotta get off the court!".
Sargon promptly dumped Peach off the edge of the court, keeping the wheelchair. "Peach-a!" Mario yelled, rushing to help his paraplegic wife, who was now moaning in pain on the floor.
The wheelchair served Sargon well, blocking many incoming balls and giving him cover from which to fire. Despite this, Chad still looked exponentially miffed.
Nothing else significant happened for like 10 minutes.
The camera cut back to Mike and Jay, who were still discussing Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story.
"So yeah, t-they gave their script to their agent's assistant, and the assistant may have accidently or intentionally passed it on to Rawson Thurber, who 'coincidentally' finished his script about a month later" Mike said, sipping his beer.
"That does sound pretty fishy" Jay replied "I mean, to be fair, it sounds like a bunch of shit in the original script was kind of... I don't know, awful? The whole, uh, Gordo/Gordon thing, where in the Thurber script, Gordon has to learn to channel his anger or whatever, but in the original script, he had to learn to... overcome his fear of using other people's toilet paper". The two started cracking up. "If the whole script was full of stuff like that, then mayb-" "Maybe it was a good thing that Rawson Thurber got his grubby little paws on the script?" Mike finished. "Yeah" Jay ended, the both of them laughing.
"Oi! Will you two shut up?!" Chad yelled "Do you even care about the fucking challenge?!". "...No" Mike replied.
The camera cut back to the court. Perdorp had been surprisingly graceful, dodging every ball. She even pulled off a sick ricochet bounce, getting both Akechi and Sophia out in the process. Instead of her usual taunting, though, she had remained strangely queit, not even grinning.
This put the teams at 2-1.
Sargon and Peridorp for the Falcons.
Normahn Jaydehn for the Rats.
The fate of this match was held in their hands
"Hey, uh, n-nice move out there Peridot" Sargon said, trying to give a genuine compliment.
"Thanks..." Peridorp replied.
As the round resumed, rather than begin her assault, Peridorp stopped Sargon to talk to him.
"*Snort* Ya know Sargon... *snort* I just wanted to say that I'm... well that I'm sorry" she said, sounding legitimately apologetic.
This caught Sargon by surprise "Y-You're sorry?" he stuttered.
"Yeah... *snort*" an evil grin suddenly spread across her face "I'm sorry that you're such a fucking failure" she finished. The words hit Sargon like an arrow. "W-What?" he stammered.
"I said that I'm sorry that you're a pseudo-intellectual douchebag who makes SJW rant videos for a living"
"I'm also sorry that you're an insecure little fucking manchild who goes into tard-rage over an internet poll"
"I'm especially sorry that your only magnifiable talent is complaining about shit"
Sargon tried his best to keep calm, but the words were really starting to hit home. Peridorp's barrage did not stop.
"I'm sorry that the only way for you to support yourself is to beg for money on the internet"
"I'm sorry that the only people who take you seriously are twelve year olds and neckbeards"
"I'm sorry that the only person who ever loved you was probably yourself"
Sargon's lip was starting to quiver.
"I'm sorry that I treat you like the piece of shit that you are"
"I'm sorry if I don't kiss your fat white ass like it's heavenly ambrosia"
"I'm sorry you're so sensitive that you're about to cry like a little bitch over a few mean words"
Just like she said, Sargon could be seen tearing up.
Her epic roast brought back memories to when he was a young lad in secondary school. All the other boys would always bully him because of his Classical Liberal beliefs. Every time he tried to make a new friend, they'd just laugh at him and beat him up. One time, after he did a presentation on Sargon the Great, founder of the Akkadian Empire, a few of the older boys locked him in the janitor's closet for four hours, all whilst chanting "Carl is a faggot! Carl is a Faggot!".
"S-Shut up!" he said, trying not to cry. His reaction only fueled her bloodlust.
"Oh, what the matter Sargon? Did I strike a nerve?" She mocked.
"I SAID SHUT UP!" he yelled, grabbing her by the collar.
Two balls then hit the both of them.
As you can imagine, getting roasted like a fucking Thanksgiving Turkey might leave you vulnerable to attack. Which is exactly what happened.
Normahn, noticing the situation, had more than enough time to ace the button prompts. And not only that, but since they were so distracted, he managed to pull off a double throw and get them both out. It was tremendous! *Ding* 0-1.
The Rats celebrated their victory, a great sigh of relief being uttered by many of them. Not because they won, but because they wouldn't have to spend another fucking minute in the goddamn Thunderdome.
Sargon just stood there, holding Peridorp, tears running down his face and shaking with rage.
"*Snicker* *Snort* ...AHAHAHAHA!" Peridorp maniacally laughed, falling out of Sargon's grasp "I can't- *Snort* I can't- *Snort* I CAN'T BELIEVE IT ACTUALLY WORKED!" she said, rolling on the floor laughing. She didn't even give a fuck that they just lost the challenge.
If Sargon's anger could be measured on a thermometer, than all the mercury shit just shot straight through the top.
"YOU LITTLE CUN-" "HEY!" Chad interrupted, stopping Sargon from fucking throttling her "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING?!". This caught the attention of everyone else, including the Rats.
"THIS LITTLE GREEN SHIT HAS BEEN PUSHING SINCE DAY FUCKING ONE" Sargon shouted back "I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF..." as Sargon attempted to explain his actions, the camera panned over to give a reaction shot from all the other campers. Some looked confused. Others looked entertained. Like Sophia.
"I knew it was only a matter of time before those two brits would be at it again" she said, sounding pleased.
The conflict rapidly devolved into a shouting match between Sargon and Chad, with Peridorp smiling in glee at the Chaos.
"If you knew she'd be a pain in the arse, then why'd you let her in?!" Chad demanded "I didn't! That drunk bastard did!" Sargon replied, pointing to Mike. "Why didn't you stop him?!" "I couldn't! He fuckin-" "Save it! Okay?! Just fucking save it! I can't bear another fucking minute of you trying to explain how you fucked up the most important round in the entire the fucking game all cuz some lil green twat made of fun of ya! You FUCKING Nimrod!" Chad yelled, storming out. The tenuous peace between and Sargon and Chad was now over, it appeared.
Meanwhile, Chef had just gotten done reviving Chris with Coke again. "WAIT, THEY LOST?" he could be overheard saying.
"HOW THE FUCK DO YOU BLOW A 2-0 LEAD?" he said, laughing "WHAT FUCKING IDIOTS". He was obviously talking about the Falcons, which just made them feel worse.
"ALRIGHT, GUESS THE RATS WIN THEN" he announced, walking out the front door "HEY LOOK AT THAT, THE RAIN FINALLY LET UP".
No one seemed excited by this news.
Anyway the next scene was in the Mess hall, where everyone was having dinner. Tonight's special: cold shaved ham. Fucking delicious.
Everyone seemed pretty miserable to be there. The challenge had left everyone either bruised or with some sort of injury. All except Mr T of course, who just sat through the entire fucking game reading his shitty book.
"The whole Mr T thing really fuckin pisses me off" Frank said "The guy probably coulda won the game like 4 hours ago but 'NoOoOo I gotta uphold my peace vow' or some shit. Fuckin Prick".
Of course, Chad and Sargon were still arguing.
"She was out! It's not like she needed it or anything!" Sargon said, desperately trying to defend his decision to steal Peach's wheelchair. "It's always about you, isn't it?! 'Who cares if a womans in a fucking wheelchair as long as I can use it as fuckin cover!'" Chad responded. "You Figlio di puttana!" Mario added.
Anyway, while that shit was going on, the camera cut to Rat table. More specifically, to Normahn. He looked troubled.
"Hey uh, Goro?" Normahn asked "Do you ever... see things?". "What do you mean?" the teenager replied. Normahn shifted uncomfortably in his seat "I mean... do you ever... see things. Strange things. Things that make you question realhity". "You mean hallucinations?" Akechi replied, puzzled at where this conversation was going.
Normahn sighed "No... I mean like, real things. Stuff you know is reahl, but it's just... off. Like today, for exhample. Have you seen anything strange today?". This question perplexed Akechi "Have I seen anything strange today?" "Yeah". Akechi thought it over, and his gaze slowly moved past his companion and to the falcon table across the room, where it met the eyes of a certain goat woman.
Despite Chad and Sargon's current shouting match, Toriel had managed to overhear their entire conversation, and was currently staring at the young detective in abject terror. As the two made awkward eye contact, Akechi thought over this morning's events. He had to admit, when he signed up for this show, he never imagined seeing an anthropomorphic goat-woman graze for sustenance. It was certainly one of the most bizarre things he had ever seen. But then his focus shifted back to her.
Whilst all the other Falcons were currently bickering over who fucked up the dodgeball game, Toriel was just sitting there, frozen with anxiety.
She had the same look on her face that she did when he first caught her. One of fear. One of panic. One of shame.
Normahn had his back turned and was thus unaware of the entire situation, but was still anxiously waiting for his response, nervously tapping his finger on the table.
With every moment that passed, the anticipation between both parties grew. Toriel's breathing grew shallow and Normahn's taps increased in frenquency. They both expected an answer, and Akechi's silence only served to heighten the silent tension.
Finally, he gave his response "No... no I haven't seen anything particularly... odd" he said, averting his gaze and taking a sip from his drink. As Normahn groaned in disappointment, the camera cut to a confused looking Toriel.
She had been so ready for Akechi to tell him that it came as a shock that he didn't. It raised so many questions. Why had he done it? Why hadn't he told him? He didn't have any reason to defend her. They weren't on the same team. He hardly even knew her! And it would have risen in a natural context: just two friends having a conversation. He made the conscious decision not to out her.
These questions and many others soon fell to wayside as she came to the slow realization that her life was not over. That no one would know that she was a dirty grazer. And with that realization came a wave of relief that refreshed her like a cool spring.
Unfortunately it wouldn't last as, not long after, Chad had choke-slammed Sargon onto the table. "YOU STUPID BASTARD" he yelled as he attempted to strangle him.
"If I may ask, Norman, what is the, uh, basis for this conversation?" Akechi asked.
"... Ah forgeht it" he said, returning to his food.
Akechi thought this was strange, but decided not to pursue it.
Several Falcons are seen attempting to hold Chad back in the background.
Finally it was time for the fucking Bonfire Ceremony.
"FALCONS..." Chris started "WHAT A FUCKING DISASTER". He started laughing "I-I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS FUCKED UP THIS BAD"
Everyone just sat there in silence as Chris laughed at their failure.
"...Where's Zarya at?" Jerma asked.
"OH HER? SHE'S STILL IN THE FUCKING INFIRMARY. TURNS OUT THAT BULLET DID A LOT MORE DAMAGE THEN THEY FIRST THOUGHT. DON'T WORRY THOUGH I STILL GOT HER VOTE" Chris explained
"ANYWAY, LETS GET TO THE ELIMINATION" he announced "FIRST UP... ZARYA... WHO'S NOT HERE" he threw her marshmallow into the fire.
"THEN WE GOT, UH, MIKE, JAY, JERMA, AND PEACH" they were all tossed their marshmallows.
"FOLLOWED BY TORIEL, MARIO, AND CHAD" Chad glared at Sargon as he went to receive his.
"FINALLY, THE LAST MARSHMALLOW..."
Sargon and Peridorp were the only ones left.
"YOU TWO BASTARDS LET YOUR PERSONAL SHIT COME BEFORE THE CHALLENGE, AND THUS, ONE OF YOU MUST LEAVE... FOREVER"
Sargon was on the edge of his seat; Peridorp was struggling not to laugh at him.
"THE FINAL MARSHAMALLOW GOES TO..."
"YES!" he shouted triumphantly .
"What?!" Peridorp said, surprised. Chad had a similar reaction "What!?".
"GET FUCKED!" Sargon said, pushing Peridorp off her stump as he went up to grab his prize. I guess Chad had overestimated how many people blamed Sargon for their loss.
"You C-C-*snort*-CLODDS would rather have this F-F-*snort*-FAGGOT than the Great and Mighty Peridot?!" she yelled in her whiniest, most nasally voice "FINE!". She then stormed off toward the Dock of Shame, Sargon giving her two british middle fingers and obnoxiously taunting her "UP YOURS YA LITTLE TWAT!".
Sargon is shown wildly celebrating his victory over Peridorp, even dancing at one point whilst chanting "Get Fucked! Get Fucked!".
"COULDN'T OF SAID IT BETTER MYSELF" Chris said, lighting his cigar.
The scene transitioned to the Dock of Shame, where Peridorp could be seen packing her shit. This was some time after the bonfire ceremony, and all the other falcons had to returned to their cabin.
"Stupid Clodss...*snort*...Fucking normies..." she could be heard grumbling, angrily trying to stuff her laptop into her suitcase. Behind her, at the base of the dock, a shadowy figure could be seen, holding something behind their back.
"YO, PERI" they yelled.
"WHAT?!" she yelled back.
A bullet suddenly struck the little green gem on Peridorp's head. She stood there, eyes opened wide in shock for a good moment or two, before collapsing backwards onto the dock. Her body twitched a little, and then poofed out of existence, leaving only the damaged Gem.
The shadowy figure stepped into the light, revealing themselves as none other than Chris motherfucking Mclean.
Blowing the smoke from his Desert Eagle, Chris walked over and picked up Peridorp's fractured gem.
"HEY" he asked his companion "YA THINK IF I CRUSH THIS UP AND SNORT IT, I'D GET A PRETTY KICK-ASS HIGH?".
"How the fuck should I know?" Chef replied, coldly stepping out the darkness.
"What do you want me do with her luggage?" he asked, picking up one of her carry-ons. She had a lot of stuff.
"THE SAME THING WE DID WITH THE OTHER TWO'S" Chris said "JUST SELL THAT SHIT ON EBAY, NIGGA".
The camera then cut to the campgrounds, about a minute earlier. Most everyone was fast asleep in their beds. All except one.
The silhouette of a horned figure can be seen emerging from one of the cabins. Illuminated only by moonlight, they cautiously make their way to a patch of grass, where they then kneel down and begin to eat. Suddenly, a gunshot rings out, startling them. Panicked, they run off.
Then the episode ended.
AN: hey guyz whats up its ya boy CLODD HOWARD here. i hope u guyz fucking enjoyed these 2 chappers sorry they were so long i kinda gotta carried away :( the future clappers won't be this long i swear probably anyway i hope u enjoyed them and make sure to leave some goddman motherfuckign reviews i love reviews please leave some anyway thanks :) :) :) :) :) :)