Didn't really like the 'episodes' in the 1960s and 1970s versions of Family Guy. The one from the 1950s fared well. Those stories in both eras seemed bland to me and didn't really go anywhere. Then decided to write my own take on what the show's mock episodes were like in these decades.
This is from Family Guy Through The Years.
Original Airdate: June 16, 1967
Family Guy 1960s Theme Song plays.
Peter: Hi, I'm Peter. This is Lois. My sons Stewie and Chris. Our dog Brian. And the rest is this. We live in Quahog near the beach. A wizard gave my baby the power of speech.
Stewie: No one can hear me, but when I'm away. People in town always hear what I say.
Peter: This is Family Guy! The Dog Talks too!
The exterior of the Griffin House is shown. Inside, it is a 1960s setting. Peter, Meg, Chris, Stewie, Lois, and Brian were all watching television. Skipping over the dials, they witness all the huge events that occurred in the 1960's. Everything from the Moon Landing, Beatles appearing on the Ed Sullivan Show, JFK's assassination, then finally turns on Gilligan's Island.
"Ahhh, finally! Something to watch! Will the castaways get off the island this time around." Peter said. Brian jumps in, "Peter, every episode of Gilligan ends with them NEVER getting off the island! Get it through your head!" "That reminds me of this song I heard on the radio this morning, 'Remember what the Doremouse said! Feed your Head.'" Stewie announced. "What the fuck is a doremouse!"
Meg gasps but no one hears her, "Stewie picked up a bad word!"
Lois stands up, "So, what are everybody's plans for today. Uhh, Brian?"
"I'm going to attend a sit in to fight for rights in the Civil Rights Movement. Then I'm joining a protest against Vietnam."
"What about you, Peter?"
"Think I'm going to try to find the meaning of this 'Summer of Love' thing. Don't comprehend these 60s kids these days! Wish it were the 40s again. When kids had respect."
Chris gets up and rolls a joint that is immediately taken away from him. Peter speaks, "Take this shit outside!"
"But you don't understand! All my friends are smoking pot! It's the thing we do, man! You see these cool ass colorful things, man!"
"We don't allow it in this house!" Lois putting her foot down. "We have a baby who lives here! Want him to get exposed to that junk?"
"Well can I at least go to the Monterey Pop Festival?" Chris asked almost having to beg. "I want to have fun like those people do in those beach movies!"
"Is this festival nearby?" asked Peter. "No it's in California! All my friends are going! I want to go too!" Chris protested.
Lois shouted, "NO! Absolutely NOT young man! I will NOT have my impressionable son be exposed to pot and loud nonsencial music in which the lyrics don't make sense!"
"You shouldn't listen to that hippie stuff, Chris! You should listen to Ragtime if you want real music!" Peter suggests.
Brian states his opinion, "You know, maybe the experience would be good for Chris. He can see another state meet new people! He shouldn't be stuck in Quahog forever. Let him go to the concert!"
"And so the Liberal douching begins!" Stewie said.
"Think we don't know what goes on in those concerts? Sex and drugs that's what!" Peter said.
Chris being hurt that his parents aren't letting him go, "Don't you dig this, man! It's the Summer of Love! I want to be with my hippie friends! I want to be a part of my generation! Something bigger than myself! You both tell me to expand my horizons all the time!"
"What we mean by that is focus on the books, not the clouds!" said Peter.
"We also know that concert tickets are too expensive and we're struggling enough as it is! No concert! Now go to your room!" Lois demanded.
Meg says a word, "Chris, if you want to travel around with these friends of yours, just travel around your home state! We have fun things here. We do live next to a beach. Why not do your partying there?"
"SHUT UP, MEG!"
Feeling despondent he was denied the chance by Peter and Lois to attend the highly anticipated Monterey Pop Festival. Chris sits in his room and notices his window is open.
"Now's my chance to escape! I'm going to California! Who knows! I might even end up living there! I'm attending that concert, come hell or high fucking water!"
Chris walks down the street to where the school, grocery store, and post office is. Nearby, some people on motorcycles ride to where Chris was standing. The bikers were making him nervous as they got off their motorcycles and walk up to Chris. They called themselves Lucifer's Sisters. Three men and a woman. One of the men was bald and fat.
"You square! Ya live around here!" the biker leader asked whose name was Joint.
"Wish I could be in California." Chris told Joint.
"We're looking for some new recruits, you dig?" Joint asked Chris. "Let us introduce ourselves! I am Joint!"
Joint points to the other bikers and the girl. "The girl here is Lisa. This is Guitar! And this hunk of meat over here is named Obese! He never talks. Wanna join us!"
Chris jumps at the chance and says, "SURE!"
Guitar tells Chris, "We like people from families who never let them have fun." "Yeah, that's me all right!" Chris said then continued, "They won't let me go to the Monterey Pop Festival."
"Too bad, too bad too bad! If you joined us you'll never have to listen to them again! What do you say?" asked Lisa. "You can have your way with me!"
"You only listen to us! We'll be a good influence on you!" Guitar said putting his arm around Chris's shoulder.
"Why not go around and have a little fun! What do you say!" asked Joint. "YAY! I'm in!" Chris cheered. "Got ourselves a new member!"
Chris got on the back of Joint's motorcycle as they drove away. "After this, we promise to take you to that Pop Festival in California! We're going there, too!" promised Joint.
What Chris didn't know was the the bikers were using him. Pretending to be his friend.
Chris was enjoying his time with his biker friends. Riding around Quahog. Joint, Obese, Lisa, and Guitar drove him to a local bar. It was the Drunken Clam. "I know this place, my Dad drinks here a lot!" said Chris. "Bet he talks about storming the beach at Normandy!" said Guitar. "Yes! How did you know? You bikers understand me better than my parents do! They keep putting their 1940s values on me!"
"Cool! We're gonna go inside, rob, and kick some ass!" said Joint. "Are you guys the criminal type of bikers?" asked Chris who was now having second thoughts.
"Why yes we are! Could you not tell!" said Guitar. "Don't think it's such a good idea to hurt innocent people." Chris said reluctantly. Obese sneers in his face, "We thought you were cool, man! Are you cool, or are you square?!" "I'm cool! I'm cool!" Chris stepped back. Lisa gave Chris an offer, "I'll be your date at that Pop Festival!" The bikers and Chris go in and terrorize the people inside in the most brutal manner. Glenn Quagmire tries to stop it, "HEY! HEY! HEY! Take your business elsewhere!" Lisa punched out Quagmire with brass knuckles. "Don't fuck with us, ass!" The bikers see Joe and break his legs. "Go to hell, sell out!" Chris even joined in on the chaos.
Joe looked down at his broken legs, "MY LEGS! MY LEGS! MY LEGS! HOW AM I GOING TO STOP CRIME NOW!?" Guitar, Joint, Lisa, and Obese came out. "That was a fucking epic brawl, man!" said Joint. "Felt pretty good!" said Chris but a part of him regretted it. "Let's see what's next." said Joint. Obese whistles and points to a drive in theater. "Obese, baby! I love ya! We'll tear apart the drive in next! Let's go!" cheered Joint. "WOOOOHOOOO! I NEVER FELT SO FREE AND ALIVE!" shouted Chris. Quagmire and Joe dragged themselves over the phone to call Peter. "We must let Peter know his son joined a gang!" "Where did that chick come off punching me like that!"
Chris was enamored with the fact that the bikers were going to vandalize the drive in theater. "My parents used to take me here as a kid. They only allowed me to watch G rated shit!" "Let's do this boy a favor by destroying it!" said Guitar. To tear down the drive in, they use grenades and uzis. They even let Chris use a machine gun. "FUCK YOU DRIVE IN! For making my parents take me to see those shitty Disney movies that scared me!" Chris screamed.
The bikers were proud of Chris for helping them. Chris had altered opinions about these bikers. "You're groovy baby! We're going to take you to that Pop Festival after all! Only one thing!" said Joint. "You want me to do one more thing? What will that be?" asked Chris who couldn't help but feel that these bikers were nothing but trouble. "Show us to your family." said Guitar! Chris stated, "But I don't want my family to know I joined you guys! It's not cool man!" "C'mon man! We thought you were groovy, baby!" said Joint. Lisa began kissing Chris, "What's the matter, afraid Mommy and Daddy won't approve?"
"Show us to your family!" repeated Guitar. "Where are they? Maybe we can beat them up for you!" offered Joint. "After that, we'll take you to the festival and make you a member of us!" said Lisa. Chris gave in, "All right, I do want to be cool and free." The bikers cheered in celebration. "The more you listen to your parents, the more you'll end up miserable like them! If you don't join us, soon you'd be married with a bunch of snotty nosed brats!" said Lisa. The bikers drove to the Griffin house as Chris was showing them the way there.
In the Griffin house, Lois and Peter were worried about Chris. "Why hasn't he come out of his room yet?" asked Lois. "Let's hope he forgot about that Pop Festival and wanting to be part of the Summer of Love!" said Peter.
"We ought to have Chris been drafted to Vietnam!" said Stewie. Meg soon hears a bunch of motorcycles headed to their house. "What is all that noise?"
Peter, Stewie, Lois, and Meg were all on the driveway wanting to see what the loud sounds were. "Why hasn't Brian come back from protesting yet?" wondered Stewie who was lonely for the dog. The bikers circled around the Griffins. "BIker gang, eh! I'll teach them a thing or two. And a thing or three!" Peter said getting ready to fight the bikers. To their shock, Chris was with them.
"Bikers gangs? We've been seeing those a lot lately." said Stewie. Joint walks up to Peter. Chris waves hello. "I have nothing to do with these guys, honest!" "You Chris's father?" asked Joint.
"Why of course I am!" said Peter. "We heard a lot about how strict you are with him! We're here to give you a warning to stop treating him the way that you do!" said Joint. "No deliquiant bikers are going to preach to us how to raise their kids! I'm going to teach you the military way! Peter says trying to scare off Joint. Lisa sees Meg. "Who's this freaky cunt?" Meg recognizes her as an old classmate. "I remember you! We went to middle school together!"
"Fuck, you turned out lame!" said Lisa who then proceeded to beat up on Meg. Chris gets scared that the bikers were getting ready to beat up his family. "Look! Just give them a warning, okay! Don't beat them or kill them!"
Guitar says to Chris, "You fell into our trap! We got you to tell us about your 'strict family' and now we're going to murder them! That's what we do to people who want to join us!" "You told me you thought I was cool!" said Chris. "We never thought you were cool, man! Nobody will EVER be cool enough to join the Lucifer's Sisters!"
Lois yelled, "Stay away! Or I'll call the cops!" Lois ran inside to call the cops. Chris hid in the bushes to wait for the cops to come. Peter beat on Joint and Guitar. Stewie shot Obese with a gun in the head. Lisa got done beating up Meg. "Let's get outta here, guys!"
The police were coming their way and the beaten Joint and Guitar and Lisa too got on their motorcycles and drove off. "Holy shit! It's the fuzz!" "Get the fuck out of here!" The police began to chase the bikers down the street that lead to a high speed chase. Chris got out from the bushes. "Is everyone okay?" he asked.
"We're fine, honey." said Lois. "What were you doing with those bikers?" asked Peter. "Never saw them before in my life, Dad. But after what I saw, I am going to respect you no matter what." said Chris.
Getting off scot free Peter is pleased. "Let me tell you something, young man! If I ever catch you joining a gang, I'm shipping you off to Vietnam! Are we good?" asked Peter. "I dig, Dad! I dig!" said Chris.
Lois, Stewie, Peter, and Chris went back inside. "What about this Summer of Love and the Pop Festival, Chris?" asked Lois. "You know what? I decided I'll spend the Summer of Love with the people I love, my groovy family and friends." said Chris. "Meanwhile, I'm going to watch that Hollies concert on TV instead of going to one in person." "Lame way to end the episode!" said Stewie.
Meg was laying on the ground all beaten as she struggled to pick herself up. "Got ...a...ticket...to...ride...!" Meg collapses on the grass as the episode ends.
Original Airdate: April 23, 1977
The opening shows Quahog and people living in the gritty street life.
The episode begins with Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire going inside the Drunken Clam. "Is everybody ready for Friday night!" asked Peter. "Yeah!" "All right!" I'm ready!" all of Peter's friends exclaimed. "Let's go in!" said Peter. Once they went inside, they don't see their usual bar. Instead they see a bunch of black disco dancers who've turned the place into a dancing club.
"Kinda like what they did to this place!" Cleveland said. Peter was astounded. "This is our bar! What in the fuck happened!" "Yeah, where the hell did these people come from!" shouted Joe.
Jerome proudly walks up to Peter and his crew. "Dontcha just looovvve what I did to this place?!" Cleveland agrees, "Doesn't look half bad. Reminds me of Soul Train!" Peter, Joe, and Quagmire didn't get why Jerome changed the bar into a disco club.
"Whatever possessed you to change our favorite hangout place?" asked Joe.
"Business was going nowhere when this place was a just a bar. Now look at it!" Jerome said. "Isn't it great! It's like having Studio 54 in our own backyard! You dig?"
The song Disco Inferno played. "No we don't dig! We liked it better as it was before!" protested Peter. "Quit your yapping you guys! If you can't beat them, join them!" Cleveland suggested. "Yes, Cleveland we get it! You like the bar better now!" Quagmire ripped. Joe, and Quagmire didn't like the changes either.
"Why not come out to the dance floor!" said Jerome. Peter wanted to fight for the bar. "Disco Club or not! This is still our bar and I'm going to put it back to the way it was!" Peter decides to challenge the Black Disco Dancers. "How are you going to do that?" asked Jerome. "I'll make a bet with them! I'm a wheelin' dealin' kinda guy!" Peter answered. Joe scoffs, "Good luck!"
"Hey, Jive Turkeys! I bet I can dance better than you!" Peter said boldly. The Black Disco Dancers walked up to him, and Peter was scared that the dancers were actually taller than he. "You dare challenge us! This is our place now! Now get your honkey ass out!"
The Black Disco Dancers band together and beat up on Peter. Cleveland was quite impressed with them, "Maybe I'll befriends these guys!" "Why? Because they're black?" Joe stated. Peter was knocked around and battered. His face was bruised and his nose was bleeding. "Guess this means you still want to come to this bar! Want this place back? Then you got a week to learn some Disco Moves! We are planning to do a Dance off this Friday. If you win you get this place back! If you lose, this place is ours forever! Got the message!" The Black Disco Dancers told Peter.
Peter got up and ran away, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire go after them. "What did they say, Peter?" asked Joe. "They want me to try to beat them in a Dance Off this Friday!" said Peter. "How can you do that? You don't even know any Disco moves!" said Quagmire. "Well, if I want to get our Drunken Clam back guess I'll have to learn how to Disco. Hey, Cleveland. Maybe you can..." Peter talked to Cleveland. "I didn't like the way you tried to provoke them so no!" Cleveland spoke turning his back on Peter. "I only moves I know are the ones I use to fuck hot chicks." said Quagmire.
Back at the Griffin residence, Lois was nursing Peter's wounds. "Meg, get some hot water!" Lois ordered her daughter. "But Mom I was just about to go meet my friends and.." said Meg being cut off. "NOW! Your father looks like shit walking, and he needs our help!" "Coming mother!" Meg said. "Stop fooling us into believing you have friends, Meg!" Peter called out.
"Oh, Peter. I love how you tried to stand up to the Disco Dancers." Lois said. "I know. Now if I want the Clam back, I have to go up against them in a Disco Dance Off this Friday. How am I going to learn Disco moves in a week?" asked Peter. "You can always find a solution to your problems, Peter." said Lois.
Chris and Brian walk in. "Look no farther, Peter. Chris and I can teach you!" Brian said. Peter gets up, "You two can Disco Dance?"
"Of course we can Dad! There's a rec room in that Roller Rink we hang out at!" said Chris, "We do Disco Dancing there!" "And I'm the manager of that Roller Rink!" said Brian.
"Thanks for offering you two. But I don't stand a chance against those Black Disco Dancers, they're experts." said Peter. "Do you want your bar back or not?" asked Brian. "More than anything." said Peter. "Then let us teach you the basic, advanced, and intermediate moves of Disco!" said Chris.
Peter agrees to have Chris and Brian help him with Disco Dancing. The song Right on Time By Strawberry Letter 23 plays as Chris and Brian show Peter some disco dancing moves. In a week's time, Peter learns the moves like a pro and Chris and Brian were very impressed with his progress. "You're ready!" Brian said.
The following Friday night had come. Everyone in Quahog gathered around for the big Dance Off between Peter and the Black Disco Dancers. "Don't get yourself hurt, Peter!" Lois said worryingly. "I won't! This is something I must do on my own! The Clam is too important for me to lose to some Disco Dancers!" Peter said determined.
Brian was there to make sure Peter learned well from him, and doesn't get horribly hurt. Much to his shock, Stewie was standing next to him. "Stewie! What are you doing here?! It's way past your bedtime." demanded Brian. "Just wanted to see Peter get his ass kicked so I can laugh at him." said Stewie.
Tom Tucker was reporting, "Good Evening I'm Tom Tucker! I'm outside the Drunken Clam in what appears to be a Dance Off! Ollie, what's your opinion?"
"It's funky man!" Ollie yelled. "Thanks Ollie. It's Peter Griffin who challenged these Disco Dancers for a spot at their favorite bar. If he loses, he'll have to find another place to hang out and drunk. And now this." Tom Tucker continued to report.
"Peter, it's not too late to turn back now!" Lois said. "NO! I must do this! The Drunken Clam is an establishment, and has been my favorite place to get hammered. And I will not lose it to these Disco Dancers!" Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were cheering him on. "I hope the Disco Dancers win". Cleveland thought to himself. The Disco Dancers take their spot. "Get ready to lose! Then get your white ass outta town!"
"That won't be happening! Because I was trained by the master!" said Peter. "You sound like those Kung Fu movies!" said one of the Disco Dancers. Brian shouts, "LET THE DANCE OFF...BEGIN!"
Peter starts using the Disco moves Chris and Brian taught him. The song Peter chose was Andy Gibb's I Just Want To Be Your Everything. Impressing the crowd, Peter was actually excelling, but it made the Disco Dancer now more determined to beat Peter. When the song and dance was done, everyone cheered for Peter. Chris cheered, "You too cool for these fools, Dad!" Now it was the Disco Dancers turn.
"You ain't got no soul! Let us show this Rhode Island town how Disco Dancing is really done!" The Disco Dancers say beginning to prepare to publicly embarrass Peter. The song The Disco Dancers used was Let's Clean Up The Ghetto by The Philadelphia All Stars. Everyone then cheered for the Disco Dancers that made Peter upset, "Why are you cheering for them for!"
Waiting with bated breath, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were wishing for Peter to win. "Come on Peter! Don't fuck this up!" "We don't want to lose our bar!"
The Disco Dancers got done with their dance. Brian comes in and says, "The winner is..." The Disco Dancers run up to Peter as the crowd begins to murmur. One of the Dancers grabbed Peter by the shirt, "Yo gonna admit we better than you! Or we kick you ass!" Peter gets pushed to the crowd by them, and says, "I am never getting my ass kicked! Because I'm just going to get back up!"
"Oh no! This is it! Peter's dead!" said Brian. "Good". said Stewie. Peter continued, "This bar may be a Disco Club but that didn't give you the right to take our place away. You are going to have to get past me if you want ever want to come back to the Clam again!"
Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire go up to the Disco Dancers and block them.
Stewie drags Brian and says, "And him!"
Lois and everyone else in the crowd who was watching kept saying, "And me!" The Disco Dancers give up and run away! "We don't need this shit! Let's find some other Disco Club!" While running away, the Disco Dancers trampled on Meg. The crowd erupted in cheers and picked up Peter. "YAY! YAY! Peter! Peter! He's our man! If he can't do it, no one can!"
"I WON! The Clam is ours again!" Peter yelled into the air as he rose victorious and triumphant. "I'm proud of you Peter!" Lois said. "You stood up for what you believe in!" said Brian! Peter pats Brian on the head. "Couldn't have done it without you and Chris, Brian!"
"WAY TO GO PETER!"
"YOU KICK ASS, DAD!"
"LET'S ALL GO TO THE CLAM AND GET DRUNK!" Peter said, "And laid too! All right!" said Quagmire.
The episode ends with everyone in Quahog carrying Peter down the street and into the Drunken Clam.