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Three Deep Breaths

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Oh… It is hot in here. Maybe it’s the dress. It’s heavy material. The woman at the shop warned me that it was heavy – or thick. Is thick a better word for that? Considering I’m talking about heat… I don’t know. Oh god. I can’t even think about proper words and… and I’m getting married. What if we have kids… and then those kids don’t know hot to articulate themselves because… because I don’t know words. I will fail at being a mother and all the moms on the PTA are going to talk about me and my idiot children behind my back. Do they do that? I think they do that. Gossip. Aunt Marge gossips… oh god. She is out there. She is out there and she is going to be watching me.

I should have taken my valium…


I mean, it messes me up, but no more than this.


This stupid country costs 13, 000 a year for membership, and we are renting one room, just one room, for just a little over half that amount… and it doesn’t have decent AC. Ridiculous. I mean… Big closets though, I bet I could lie down in here no problem.


                        [She sits down and stretches her feet out in front of her]


I didn’t really want to do it here, but Andrew – Andrew’s parents suggested it, and when they suggest shit, well… it’s more an order, less of a suggestion. And because I adore… cherish… love him, I am doing it. I don’t like his family all that much, but I love him. I think… I mean. Does this mean I don’t love him? Oh god. What if I don’t love him? What if this is my subconscious telling me this is a big mistake?


Wanna know something I’ve never told anyone? I still wake up twenty minutes before Andrew does to put on make-up. Not just a little blush and some mascara… no, the whole… all of it. This marriage is going to be a sham! Ten years later… I sleep through the alarm, and bang! He sees just how ugly I really am. The rubix cube will finally come together and he will realize exactly what he has married. A big, ugly liar. I mean, it’ll be like that news story that I saw online about those people from Korea…Japan…China…whatever, one of those Asian places, anyways – the woman who got a whole bunch of plastic surgery before getting married. Then they had kids, and the father was all like, ‘why the fuck are my kids ugly’ and then he sued her for being a liar about her true appearance… I think he won, too. Anyways, that is my fate.


He will realize I’m actually ugly… and dumb. All those hours I spent working on Sudoku’s and crosswords to impress him will be all for naught. I have spent the past three years in the Starbucks across from his school reading clever books for nothing. I mean… some were cool. Like that Catcher in the Rye book. All those swear words… whatever. It would have been for nothing. Because eventually he will know.


                        [She goes silent, and closes her eyes putting her hands up to cover her ears]


                        Banging Noises


I am not ready for this. I am not ready for three-hundred and sixty people… seven hundred and … twenty… eyes looking into my soul. Uncle Henry and his leering eyes sliding over my skin. Aunt Marge with her ugly lilac dress – which is actually white – whispering to her daughter about how my dress is showing a bit too much. And how she didn’t know I had gotten a tattoo, and how only whores have tattoos. Like she knows anything about me. I mean… what a bitch.


Okay… my hands are shaking. We are doing a sand ceremony. What if I drop it? Our marriage is going to fall to the ground, and be vacuumed up by a lazy employee who doesn’t get paid enough for this shit.


Okay! Okay… I’m coming out. You can stop banging on the damn door. Jesus Christ.


Big smile, Jennifer.