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Sam and Keen's Not So Excellent Adventure (TF and Insanity)

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It was close to Christmas, but not quite snowing in another middle-class suburb in America. Pajama Sam had just moved into a new neighborhood, and heard from his brother that one of the kids nearby had that new PC game. He had just ridden his bike to the house down the street of Billy Blaze. Knocking on the door expecting an adult, the boy we know as Commander Keen opened the door, wearing his brothers helmet, as usual. Billy had a strange stench to him that Sam had not smelt in any of the worlds he'd been to. “Hey, you're that Sam kid! I heard from your parents that you wanted to see the new game... it's installing now!” Sam thanked him for the opportunity, and noticed on the way to what appeared to be a bedroom with an old PC in the corner. Billy's brother Bobby was sat in the chair smoking a cigarette, which Sam was not used to and began coughing profusely. “Holy shit Billy, open a window, this kid clearly can't take it!” Billy did so and Pajama Sam began to stop coughing. “Hey, I don't feel so good...” Sam lied down on the bed, staring at the unfamiliar ceiling. Bobby sighed as the long, 4 floppy disc install seemed to finally be complete and typed into MS-DOS for the first time, DOOM.EXE.

The DOOM intro theme began to play for the first time in these 3 kids lives, and it was an amazing thing to behold, even on that Sound Blaster 16 ASP card. Billy's eyes lit up at the amazingly realistic splash screen, and said “Let me play!” “I'll let you guys play after my first death, kay?” Bobby selected HURT ME PLENTY from the NEW GAME menu. The screen faded, and the game came up. All three were blown away. Bobby had been reading the manual constantly throughout the hour long install, so knew how to control it. The 3D graphics were absolutely unbelievable for the time, and all 3 simply gazed in awe, particularly Sam, who usually wasn't allowed to play games, especially ones so violent. “Are your parents going to be okay with this?” asked Sam, and Keen eagerly responded “Oh don't worry, I got rid of them a while ago!” Sam was getting concerned with where Billy's parents were...

Commander Keen was restless, staring at the ceiling.“Bro, you've been playing for like 20 minutes now, I want a go.” “No way dude, I bought this game, and you're starting to annoy me, just go play NES or something.” Keen tugged at the pajamas of Sam, motioning him to leave the room with him. Keen took Sam outside to his signature “Secret Base” clubhouse. There were many computers that looked much more “technical”, like something that would be used to launch a rocket. Sam took a seat in the reasonably comfortable pad on a beanbag. “So uh Keen...” said Sam, slightly scared, “...w-what did you do to your parents?” Billy Blaze laughed, and pulled a strange looking white gun from his pocket. “I found this in a cave on Fribbulus Xax, I'm pretty sure in alien it says 'PORTABLE TRANSFORMATION DEVICE', so I call it the PTR. Anything I point it at and press this red button seems to change it into something random, and pressing the green one changes them back. You can do some other things too. I found it on some strange planet.” Sam had never heard of such things... “So did you do this...” “They said we couldn't get the game! They always wanted me to eat my vegetables... They wouldn't let my brother buy cigarettes, I thought I'd just get rid of them... They all seemed to turn into some weird alien crystals, and my sister became a strange sea shell looking thing...” “You changed your sister too? You can't just get rid of your problems like this! They must be horrified!” “Actually...” Keen revved up the gun... Sam stood up, and threw his hands up, “Don't shoot!” Keen pressed the red button and fired the laser gun at Sam.

Everything faded to nothing. Not black, but nothing. Sam wasn't really aware of his existence, while still aware of everything in the room in a fish eye lens way. He was neither alive or dead. Instinctively he tried to yell as he was afraid of the dark, but no mouth moved. Everything he had known about how to control his body was now irrelevant, as he couldn't do anything. Commander Keen held up Sam's Pajamas, revealing his new form. He was now a flashlight coloured blue like Sam was, sitting on the ground next to his trusty flashlight, cape and lunchbox. Keen towered over Sam, confused as ever. “Well, how does it feel? I got my brother to try it out on me... it should feel incredible. All your senses should be heightened, since you don't have to spend all your mind power on moving and regulating your body...” Keen picked up Sam. A tingling feeling shot up Sam’s non existent spine, and his entire tubular body felt Keen pick him up. Although he didn't have any nerves in this form, he could feel more than ever. It was like having an orgasm over your entire body, and Sam having never had one, was awestruck at the feeling. He couldn't effect the present at all, the sensation was way too much for him to handle, but he couldn't stop it. “You like that, don't you?” Keen switched the flashlight on, and Sam felt his newly formed batteries go to work. It felt like he was burning with the heat of hundreds of stars; he was the light in the night, the illumination of his fears. Billy placed the flashlight down and shot it with the green button.

Everything came back and Sam was panting. “Dude... that was so weird... it felt so good and so bad at the same time... I want to do it again!” Keen smirked. “I knew you'd like it. I've used the temporary function to try it out but I wasn't able to move, what was it like being touched?” “I... honestly can't put it into words.” Sam was barely able to remember how to move his extremities. Keen questioned “Now that you've seen how safe it is, do you still hold a grudge against me for doing it to my family?” “Yeah... I guess it's okay if it was the only way for you to play Doom.” “Speaking of that, let's get revenge on my greedy brother!” Keen ran out the clubhouse door, into the house to his brothers room, with Sam eagerly following behind, eager that maybe he'd get to shoot it. The two felt so... good... when they were inanimate, it changed their personalities permanently. They no longer feared anything they were full of invigoration and happiness. So many stories and fairy tales had used transformations as a punishment, but they knew no matter what they would be fine, if they could survive as a completely inanimate object incapable of movement and love it... could death be so different?

Keen and Sam sneaked up to Bobby's room, trying not to get seen with the gun, not that it would matter as his brother was so engrossed in the game. He turned around in the game and was surprised to see the first pink demon in Level 3. Keen fired the ray at his brother, with an unfamiliar electrical crackle in the gun. This combined with the electricity gave Keen's brother quite a scare, and he jumped out of his seat before the ray even hit him. As it did, he became a strange fleshy demon-like thing, like a pink version of the suckers from Duke Nukem 2. He fell to the floor and his fleshy tendrils devoured the seat the brother once sat on, and proceeded to dig down into the carpet. Keen and Sam we're surprised and disgusted. “Agh!” Sam said, “Change him back, change him back!”. Keen tried, but he couldn't. “I think the gun stopped working... shit!” The electrical crackling from the gun continued, and the gun stopped working altogether. “Oh man... this is bad.” Two of the tendrils of Keen's transformed brother grabbed each of the kids by the legs with extreme strength, and stuffed them into the mouth on it's top, like a Like-like eating Link.

The two kids were legs up being sucked on by the flesh demon that was once Keens brother. Acidic saliva in the creatures mouth were rotting away the boys clothes. “Sam, I'm scared... are we gonna die?” By now, more tendrils at the base of the abomination had burrowed into Sam's brain through his ears, and would have done the same to Keen if not for his helmet. Sam's mind was in a strange state yet again, on one hand he was terrified of the dark, but on the other he had been in a similar brainless state before and found it easy to give in to the creature's mind tricks. His mind tried it's darnedest, but the creature overpowered him. “Don't worry... It's all going to be okay... You don't need to be here anymore, think of all the hardships you've had...” Thoughts like this travelled through Sam's brain from the tendrils. The creature strengthened it's grip, and Sam stared blankly into nothingness and said “BROTHER... WE CAN BE TOGETHER... JUST TAKE OFF YOUR... MY... HELMET... WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE IN THIS TOGETHER... WE CAN BE THE FUTURE!!!” Keen screamed as tendrils came out and wrapped themselves around both the boys arms and legs and ripped them off, while the mind controlled Sam seemed to enjoy it. The limbs quickly faded in the saliva becoming more saliva, lubing the boys up. The top of the creature puckered up, locking the two boys in, although all that was left of them was their torso's with their heads attached.

Keen couldn't even scream at this point, his head was at the bottom of the plant with saliva rising. Sam said robotic-ally “GIVE IN, BROTHER... BECOME ONE... THIS CAN ALL END, THE OTHER BOY HAS GIVEN IN AND HE LOVES IT!” It was unclear where Sam's mind was in all of this, but the creature had completely absorbed all of Sam's memories at this point and was simply using him as a puppet. The creature by now had shoved its tentacles up Sam's behind, giving him even more control over the torso-boy, and Sam quickly developed his hardest erection ever, strengthened by more hardening tendrils behind Sam's penis. His bloodstream was now combined with the demons, meaning he didn't need to breathe. Keen was suffocating in the cocoon like environment and was in no state to refuse what was about to happen. The creature stuck Sam's cock up Billy's ass, lubed up from saliva on both the penis and rear ends. Once inside, the tendrils burst through Sam's penis and up through Keen's body, destroying it from the inside. It absorbed every part of Keen's body, including the brain. Keen's gray matter splattered across the cocoon, and Sam returned to a fetal position. The cocoon was feeding Sam new demon-blood from the tentacles. The tendrils in Sam's head crushed his small brain, as it wasn't needed and would just prove a nuisance. Sam and Keen's brain juice, as well as the remains of Keen's body and Sam's limbs, was all over the cocoon, and had become an albumen, feeding Sam's torso, now indistinguishable from something like an egg yolk.

The three boys had ostensibly become an egg-like cocoon, much like a morphing Zerg. The mind of Keen's brother had been completely obliterated into something indistinguishable since the transformation happened. There was no brain in the albumen that Sam and Keen had become, feeding the new demon creature. However, their minds were still stuck in a limbo. All they could feel was themselves as blob-like cells, multiplying like a newborn baby was, and feeding themselves to this new monster. Sam's cells were shaded blue, and Keen's white, and they felt themselves multiplying and multiplying, constantly bumping into each other. This turned them both on, and the cells began to become dismembered penises in their minds eyes. They were constantly an infinite amount of erect penises rubbing against themselves, the others... it was too much for their minds to handle. This reality seemed to last for months, years, millennium The two tried to hold on to reality, remembering the places they'd been, the people they'd known, the adventures they'd had. Keen however was a much older soul, and was able to hold out. Sam gave in to pleasure and passed into absolutely nothing. This saddened Keen deeply, the penises that once belonged to Sam had disappeared and he could only feel himself rubbing against himself. He felt a great lacking, and missed Sam for again, what felt like more than millennia. He felt a great sucking, much like what he imagined a black hole would feel like.

Keen was absorbed into the yolk, and became a cluster of spores. The cocoon exploded, and coated Keen's former brother's room in a thick light grey goo, similar to Keen's former skin. It came back to the cocoon from whence it came and absorbed the nutrients from it. It then travelled towards the computer, still running DOOM.EXE. The rules of reality began to disintegrate when the goo leaked into the RAM of the computer, and the program transferred itself into the goo. A MIDI file started playing in Keen's mind, and throughout the universe. The goo brought itself back into the center of the room, and became a fleshy pink portal with a Satanic star, much like a teleporter in Doom. Monsters from DOOM.EXE began to spawn at unreal rates, still working entirely within Doom physics. Zombiemen, Imps, Demons and Cacodemons began to swarm out, all still controlled by the mind of Keen. Keen didn't care for human mortals anymore, and swarmed at insane rates out of the Blaze household, murdering everything in sight. What felt like a never-ending war that lasted 50 years for the human race seemed to go by in an instant compared to how long Keen had spent in that endless dick chamber. The human race fought valiantly, but by the year 2043 there were no living creatures, plant or animal, on the face of the Earth. Keen had easily become over one trillion monsters on the face of the Earth, and once he was sure everyone on Earth was shot, blasted with fire, chaingunned or telefragged, he began to send Cacodemons out into space. He tried for infinity, the portal in the house spawned more and more Cacodemons, slowly, slowly but very surely filling up the universe.

The amount of time Keen felt, as every single Doom monster in the galaxy at once, is completely inconceivable to even the greatest minds. He explored every square inch of space with near (but not quite) infinite amounts of Cacodemons, and to his surprise found no other life apart from Earth. When he came to the edge of the universe, he simply couldn't travel any further. He tried filling the universe with numbers above comprehension levels of every sort of monster he could spawn, to no avail. He was stuck in this hell, but it wasn't a Hell on Earth anymore, it was a Hell in Existance. He didn't know where these monsters were coming from and why he assumed the mind of every one he consciously spawned. He needed to escape. He spawned more and more and more, monsters clipping into each other, trying to crash the universe, trying every combination of attacks on every version of himself an infinite number of times, feeling himself die in many places. He just wanted to escape. He wanted to get to Sam. That was all he cared about anymore. He kept thinking of how to escape, escape, escape...

A menu appeared. He didn't know how long it had been in this infinite space void of monsters, but he was one mind again. The entirety of all his infinite minds spread across infinite monsters had come to a halt. He was Keen again. He remembered everything... but most importantly he wanted to see how Sam was doing. He ethereally thought of pressing down 4 times and then enter. “Are you sure you want to quit this great game?” He thought “enter” again, and heard an imp cry in pain, something he had heard endlessly since what seemed like the beginning.

Existence was a DOS screen. All that existed was a blinking cursor. It was a beautiful silence away from monster screams and eternally terrible sounding MIDIs. The cursor blinked for almost an hour in peace. Keen's mind regained itself, he remembered the adventures he went on, his family, his friends, all so long ago in the past... and how he got into this mess when that Sam kid came. He typed out his last few sentences

Illegal command: hello.

is anyone there
Illegal command: is.

sam are you ok
: yes i love you

i love you to this was hard but we made it
: we made it to th end/

i think so i want to rest now
: me too

will we make it out of here/
: its time to find out

Their reality shut down, and existence ended.