“Not really a demon; not really human. I'm not either. That's all. There was no place for me, so I had to find one myself. And then I realized. I had a place, but I was the only one in it. I didn't know any other way to live.”
– Inuyasha, InuYasha (2000)
It had started off as another ordinary day in RC #333.
Too bad that at the PPC, most days don’t end ordinarily. Sarah, Cupid, and Lapis didn’t realize that, but then again, most upstart agents don’t.
“Aw, maaaaan! I lost again! ” Cupid cried out in dismay as his older partner opened the door to the RC, with several large bags dangling from her other hand.
“More fun with Smash Bros. ?” Sarah asked, noticing her 3DS in his hands once more.
“More like, well, not really,” the angel replied sourly. “How did you get so good at it? You didn’t know that the game even existed before our first mission together!”
“Well, I got the game on my 3DS with some of the payment we got from that mission, and once I started playing, I just couldn’t stop. Anyway, I got us some groceries!”
“Finally! Actual food!” said Lapis, peeking out from her latest hiding place which happened to be under her bed. The mini-Godzilla, Dr. serizawa, walked over to her and sniffed at her rather dusty blue hair.
“Oooh, oooh! Can I do the cooking?” Cupid piped up. “I can’t wait to get started!”
“You always do the cooking,” said Lapis, watching her mini sneeze a tiny ring of atomic blue fire. “Why don’t you let Sarah make dinner this time? I know I can’t…”
“Why, because you’d rather eat dust bunnies than floor ice cream?” the angel quipped.
As usual, Lapis screamed and retreated back under her bed.
“What? Was it something I said?” Cupid asked innocently.
A moment later, he walked over to the console and hit the big red button. For his sake, the report showed two graphics indicating the continua involved: a Smash Ball and something else he couldn’t identify.
“Looks like we’re going back to Smash Bros. !” he said. “But what’s with the other one?”
The air shimmered behind him, and a moment later, Lapis appeared next to him and shoved him aside. She looked at the other symbol, which resembled a silhouetted running man with long white hair and dog-like ears, and gasped in recognition.
“The other continuum is InuYasha! But… what? Oh no… I feel faint already…”
“What’s wrong?” asked Sarah.
The blue-haired girl turned to look at her partners, her face paler than usual. “Does the C-CAD reset fic formats?”
“I think so, and the RA could do that as well,” the Super replied. “Why?”
“We’ll be going into a scriptfic. Or something. It changes way too much for me to tell. And there’s gonna be a Gary Stu involved, too.”
Sarah cringed. “My homefic was in scriptfic format,” she noted, slipping some antiemetics into her bag. “At least it had an excuse, though. Kinda like an after-the-fact interview transcript of what happened.”
“I’m not so worried about the format,” said Cupid, taking this moment to sneak a bottle from Sarah’s groceries into his bag. “It’s the Stu we’ll need to watch out for. Should I bring my bow?”
“I don’t know if that’ll help, but – okay,” said Lapis, heading over to the closet to fetch the supplies. Dr. serizawa waddled along after her.
“And can I cook dinner after we’re done?” Cupid asked.
The girls looked at each other and shrugged. “If you insist,” Sarah replied. “We’ll have to disguise ourselves as normal people for this mission, since we’re dealing with Stus this time and I can’t take chances.”
“Can we bring these along?” asked Lapis, pulling a small metal cube with buttons out of the laundry pile.
“Oooh, shiny! What is it?” asked Cupid, snapping on his wing-concealing bracelet.
“A Disguise-Outfitting Ryticular Kostume System, or D.O.R.K.S. If we’re jumping across continua, we’ll need to make sure we can fit in at a moment’s notice.”
“Ryticular?” asked Sarah, entering in the portal coordinates. “What does that even mean?”
“If only I knew,” the blue-haired girl replied dryly, picking up her mini.
“We can discuss that later,” said Sarah, watching the portal open up. “Oh, and before we go, Lapis?”
“Can you try not to use your plot holes this time around? You’re really starting to creep me out with them. Why can’t you just, oh, create portals instead? Like with an RA, the way everyone else does?”
“I thought you usually take care of the portal stuff,” she admitted, setting the mini-Godzilla on his sleeping pillow and gesturing for him to stay. “I can’t guarantee that I won’t create plot holes, though.”
“Yeah, but she’s got a point,” said Cupid. “Let us take care of getting from A to B. What can possibly go wrong?”
With that, the angel agent jumped through the portal.
“H-hey, wait! WAIT!!” Lapis shrieked as the girls went in after him. “I didn’t even get to show you how the D.O.R.K.S. worked!”
I tried to be reasonably close to the original characters as I could while allowing the story to progress the way that I wanted; although the Inuyasha characters are very important to the plot, the main characters are the original "combo-platter" characters that my friends and I are able to transform into. I only watched the original Anime, never read the manga or saw the second Anime, so if some facts aren't as "straight" as some die hards would like, I apologize in advance. :)
Another note to make is that this upload is actually the most recent story that I wrote in this series (I foolishly copied over the previous stories to write my new ones to save space). :( I may upload the others later on, so if you get confused about some of the plot line, I apologize in advance, again. :)
I tend to write my stories more like a "script" than a story, so my formatting may seem wierd to some people.
The Author’s Notes had just finished blaring overhead by the time the female agents caught up with Cupid, who was just standing there, completely dumbstruck.
“There were more of these stories?!” Lapis shrieked.
“The author must’ve deleted them by accident. Still, if our last mission involved buge prose, go figure that we’d get an urple-prosed one today,” Sarah groaned.
“C-combo platter characters?!” Cupid cried out. “What are they, minibosses? Final bosses?!”
“Final bosses sounds about right,” Lapis muttered through her clenched shark’s teeth. “Anyway, once we get a setting, we’ll need to get disguises. Here you go!” She took out the D.O.R.K.S. and handed it to Sarah, who was apparently the only one who knew how to use it.
After some fiddling with the controls on the Super’s part, the agents heard the device make some futuristic sci-fi-ish sounds, and after a zapping noise and a flash of light, they found themselves disguised in civilian attire (and with black hair in Lapis’ case).
And just in time too – the fic was about to begin.
Dream Quest:A Feudal Dream
After completing his journey in the Shadowlands, the young man called Matt gained the ability to transform into a creature of unspeakable power. As this creature, Brawn the Eternal Guardian, Matt continued to fight for justice on Earth. Brawn possessed the almost godly strength of 1.2 million men, extremely thick skin, and an all but indestructible adamantium skeleton.
The agents all stared up at the Words with aghast expressions as the fic continued to describe even more of Brawn’s abilities.
“Yep. Definitely final boss material,” said Sarah. “Adamantium doesn’t even exist in any of the continua presented here!”
“It’s like the author had a list of Gary Stu traits!” said Lapis. “And they haven’t even gotten to the point where he’s unbelievably handsome and attracts every woman in a five-mile radius!”
Several years ago, while Matt was still Bowser McCloud, he'd managed to arrest a serial killer, Sampson Frost, who had been sentenced to 15 years in prison, after parole. This man held a serious grudge against Matt for his imprisonment. But, Matt had nothing to fear, since Frost didn't know how to find him; unfortunately, this wasn't the case. During their confrontation, Frost had shot Matt with a trackable bug, meant to kill its victim with a dose of cyanide. Unfortunately for Frost, the cyanide was neutralized by Matt's healing power. The bug itself, however, survived inside Matt's left arm for all of these years...
“What. The. Gamo ,” said Cupid.
“Bowser McCloud?! Are you kidding me?! ” Sarah shouted.
“Just two paragraphs in and we’ve already got at least five charges,” Lapis whimpered. “Urple prose, stupidly overpowered, uncanon places, makes everything too easy, stealing names from canons…”
“And an introduction that straight-up describes how Speshul he is? Like a brand-name Gary Stu?” Cupid pointed out.
“Yeah. That too.”
The fic continued describing Matt’s battle with Frost, up to the point where the latter blew up the former’s house and family. And then…
About the moment Matt's arm regenerated, he sighted Frost across the road, laughing manically. Frost:"You think that you're so high and mighty, stealing my freedom and joy. Well, 'hero', now the shoe is on the other foot! You stole my life, now I've stolen your's!" Unknown to Frost, the police were already on the way; a neighbor reported the disturbance.
Sarah: “W-what the heck?!”
Cupid: “Oh, skata! So this was what you meant with the scriptfic format!”
Lapis: “Sarah! Get us back into third-person already!”
The Super agent was already scrambling for the C-CAD.
Sarah: “I’m trying! Just gimme a few moments!”
Cupid: “Wait a minute! When a normal action happens, we’re in third person, but when we speak, we’re in scriptfic! What’s going on?!”
Lapis: “I think that’s what the Words are doing! I should’ve taken the warning the Author’s Notes gave us!”
Sarah: “Aha! Here we are! Hang on a sec… Changing POV… Here we go!”
[Sarah:] Sadly, all I was able to do was change the format to us narrating the story. “Oops,” I understated.
[Cupid:] “Making it worse!” I wailed, not knowing what was going on except that it wasn’t good.
[Lapis:] “This is what your homefic was like?!” I said in a horrified voice. “Wow, that’s terrible! My homefic was entirely in present tense, but that isn’t as annoying.”
[Sarah:] “It takes some getting used to. Anyway, here we are!”
With that, the Super agent finally managed to restore the third-person format, and the agents sighed in relief. But it wasn’t going to be like that for long.
A couple of minutes later, the police arrived to take Frost away for life. Cop:"Do you have any last things to say to this scum before we take him away, sir?" Matt:"You know, Frost, someday I might be able to forgive you. In the meantime, may God have mercy on that non-existent soul of your's. Get 'em outta here." After that, Matt went to the rubble that was once his childhood home. He dug his way to the garage and found a drainage pipe. He leaped down the tunnel to find that his "Super Truck" had escaped the blast completely unscathed. It was at that moment, that Matt developed a "Batman-Complex"-he swore to do all he could to prevent such tragedies as his own from happening to others across different worlds. Out of grief, Matt decided to travel from dimension to dimension, accomplishing this goal one dimension at a time.
Sarah: “A Super Truck? Dimension hopping?! Mjolnir’s grip-leather, this is practically getting worse by the word!”
Cupid: “Uh, Sarah? I think we’re in scriptfic again!”
Sarah: “Oh, right! Sorry!”
After resetting the fic format, the agents made their way to the next scene of the fic, which was located in dimension 5 and started in a huge, dense forest. They then watched the Stu wander through the forest , wincing when the fic described his sixth Soul Sense, and followed him to a village at the bottom of the hill he’d come to.
“Looks like we’re in the InuYasha continuum,” said Lapis. “We’ll need to change our disguises, and quick!”
After some fiddling around with the D.O.R.K.S., the agents found themselves in feudal Japanese attire, and made their way towards the village. A few moments later, they heard some shrieks of pain.
The Stu had found a demon, and after a brief struggle, he killed it easily.
“Were either of your homefics this horrible?!” Lapis asked in terror.
“The meanest of the meanies mine had to offer were Velociripper, an omnicidal replacement of one of the Jurassic Park antagonists, and an imposter of Violet who could turn into a Tyrannosaurus rex, ” Sarah said in an ashamed tone. “There was also one of my brother, but he was just a badly written character and not a direct threat.”
“And we all know how I came to be,” Cupid added. “My own homefic didn’t have any problematic characters aside from V.R., and even then, she didn’t do anything seriously nasty. What about you?”
Lapis looked at her sandal-clad feet. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you the truth,” she said. “Anyway, now’s not the time to discuss that. We’ve got bigger problems!”
“Like what?” the angel agent asked.
Matt unknowingly warped into Inuyasha's dimension, except 5 years ahead of what he knew it to be. Unfortunately, Matt didn't know this, due to a mild amnesia brought on from the explosion. He'd retained knowledge of the other 4 dimensions because they were either his home or from the video games he'd played in his world. The rest were from Animes he watched in the past.
Inuyasha and his extreme love interest, Kagome, had just arrived at the village that Matt had just saved. The agents, meanwhile, all stared at the Words once again.
“Like that ,” Lapis said in a terrified whisper.
“Loki’s helmet-horns, why does this guy have to capitalize the word ‘anime’ all the time?!” Sarah fumed. “Fuck, I don’t watch that much anime and even I know that’s not how you spell it!”
“And charge for plot-convenient amnesia, too,” Cupid added. “How soon will it be before we kill this guy?!”
“I don’t know,” Sarah replied. “But maybe if we –”
About an hour after they left, Inuyasha and Kagome found the demon that Matt killed. Inuyasha:"Well, this is the demon that got everybody's attention, but it's dead." Kagome:"Well, it doesn't look injured at all. What do you suppose killed it?" Inuyasha:"Well, it looks like someone or something broke its neck!" Kagome:"What? Are you sure?" Inuyasha:"Positive. But, most demons are pretty hard to kill. Anything that can break a demon's neck while it's in perfect condition has to be strong." Overhead, a full moon started to form. Kagome:"Hey, Inuyasha. It getting dark, so let's camp here for the night." Inuyasha was about to make a comment about how weak humans were compared to demons, but his heart melted as soon as he looked at her to speak. So, he agreed.
The agents felt the jolt as their format briefly changed into scriptfic and back into third-person, as well as what felt like a cloudless breeze. Sarah promptly took her medicine out of her bag and swallowed one of her pills.
After a moment’s debate, they decided to go to the village and watch the Stu some more. One portal later (“ No plot holes, please, ” Sarah said sternly), they found themselves observing Lady Kaede regale Matt with her past exploits. Unusually, this wasn’t explicitly described.
“We may need to skip some of the more boring bits to save time,” said Lapis. “I could get us to the part where the werewolves come in…”
“Wait, werewolves?! ” Sarah gasped in shock.
“Wolves? Where?” Cupid asked, looking wildly around.
“No, were wolves,” Lapis corrected, giving him an annoyed look. “Y’know, the horror movie monsters?”
“Yeah. The Stu is finding out about their existence right about now. Anyway, if I could get a location, I could make a plot hole to just after the –”
“Didn’t I say ‘no plot holes’?” Sarah groaned, slapping her forehead. “You know those things aren’t stable! Even one of them could rip the world of the badfic apart!”
“But we’re in a canonical location!” Lapis protested.
“Actually, I don’t think we are,” Cupid replied, remembering something the Words had said earlier. “This appears to be 5 years ahead of what he [the Stu, that is] knew it to be.”
The agents stared at him in shock. “You’ve been watching the Words?”
“Listening, more like,” he replied. “Though it gets pretty weird sometimes, hearing the typos. It’s like the author’s unwittingly casting spells upon the Word World that take things literally.”
“Isn’t that the case with all badfic?” Lapis muttered, the anime style of their disguises allowing her to secrete her signature giant sweat-drop. “Your Eyetrack Orbitars were the result of a badly worded sentence.”
“As was the Writhing Mass!” he added, his toes instinctively curling in his sandals at the memory of his very first encounter with the tentacled creature.
“At any rate, we’re not safe here,” Sarah said, holding up the RA. “We’ll have to skip ahead to where Matt meets Inuyasha, and see how they interact.”
“Can we not do any more scriptfic?” Cupid asked. “It’s already making me wanna break out the Bleeport.”
Lapis glared at him, but didn’t argue. Knowing the badfic, her partner’s drinking habits were soon to be the least of their problems.
“Hang on! Don’t we need to take care of Lady Kaede first?” she asked suddenly.
“She’s gonna show up again near the end of this chapter,” said Cupid. “We can neuralyze her or get her to FicPsych at that point.”
The Super agent nodded and opened up a portal for the team to step through. Unfortunately, they ended up at the point where the werewolves, having fallen in great numbers against Inuyasha, had still managed to give Kagome a vicious mauling.
“Okay, forget what I said!” Lapis cried out. “This is worse!”
“And now all that’s needed is for Matt to show up,” Sarah groaned.
Suddenly, everyone heard a battle cry coming from above them, and the wolves saw the massive body of Brawn falling from the sky. Matt crashed into the battlefield just in time, and was even able to smash a few of the werewolves when he landed!
Matt swatted the wolves away with a single swing. Due to the dark, and blood flowing into his eyes, all that Inuyasha could see of Matt's massive black body were the 4 glowing, golden eyes.
Lapis screamed in terror at the sudden appearance of Matt/Brawn, the air shimmering around her, and next moment, she was gone. Her partners frantically scrambled to find her, but then they heard a rustling from a nearby tree. The ex-Sue had involuntarily plot-holed her way into its branches.
“I thought I told you not to use any plot holes!” Sarah called, using the noise of the battle as a cover.
“I couldn’t help myself! I’m sorry! I won’t do it –”
“You will ,” said Cupid. “We all know that! You made a plot hole on our first mission when those enemy soldiers nearly soiled our togas!”
“We need to do something about your so-called ability,” said Sarah, climbing up to help her partner down from the tree. “If I’d known the plot holes were involuntary, I’d have brought some Logicillin.”
“How much of this fic do you think we can skip?” asked Lapis, shivering a little before she grabbed onto her partner’s back. “I don’t wanna get involved in this mess any more than we already have!”
Sarah checked the Words as she made her way back down the tree. “Quite a lot, actually,” she said. “The Stu argues with Inuyasha and Kagome for the rest of this chapter. We also find out that the werewolves are the spawn of Nathaniel Arkady… Whoever that guy is.”
“The villain from Hunter: The Reckoning? ” Lapis suggested. “That’s what the Author’s Notes from this chapter say. I think. I don’t know that game myself.”
“That works, I guess,” Sarah replied.
“Is there any action in the second chapter?” asked Cupid. “We’ll need to know what we’re up against so we can form some kind of battle plan.”
“Actually, no,” said Lapis. “It’s just the Stu meeting with Inuyasha and Kagome’s friends: Miroku, Sango, and Shippo. We may be able to pick up some charges on the way, though, or at least check out what’s in store.”
“Can we at least get Lady Kaede outta here first?” asked Sarah. “I’m pretty sure Sister January would have a great time with her, Stu or otherwise.”
The agents nodded and portaled off to attend to the canon. But unbeknownst to them, the plot hole that Lapis had generated previously was already starting to draw in a few stray flecks of leaf litter…
Soon, night fell. Inuyasha and Kagome were staying in a hut near Kaede's. Suddenly, Kagome heard strange music coming from outside. Kagome:"Huh? Where's that music coming from. It sounds...so...sad." Inuyasha:"I don't know. We should go check it out." The couple went out of their hut, following their ears. Eventually, they came to a tree where Inuyasha used to spend a great deal of his time. Near the top, oddly enough, on the branch where Inuyasha would always sit, they saw Matt laying on his back, looking towards the star lit sky. Matt's Dragon Chains (which were only 30 feet in length in his normal state) were extended partially, and the music was emanating from them! Kagome:"Is that music coming from...those chains?" Inuyasha:"That's what it looks like. I've heard of some demons that have extendable limbs can use those limbs to express what is in their hearts." Kagome:"Well, if that's right, he's really sad. Well, I guess I'd feel the same way if my whole family was gone..."
The agents landed near the start of Chapter 2 and were instantly hit by another format change.
Lapis: “Oh, crap! Not the scriptfic again! Not to mention that the canons are OOC as well! Since when did Inuyasha talk about feelings or emotions or whatever?!”
Cupid: “Wait, singing chains?! Since when do chains sing?! They – how does that even – I can’t even –”
Sarah clutched her stomach, unable to take any more of the wildly changing format, and threw up onto the ground.
Lapis: “Wow. Just, wow. This is the second time you’ve thrown up less than an hour into a mission. Something’s wrong with you, I can tell.”
Sarah retched and wiped her mouth before standing up to round on her female partner.
Sarah: “Says you! Your plot holes are the bigger problem here!”
Lapis: “Well, I can’t change the fact that I make them even when I don’t think about them! What’s the problem with that?!”
Sarah: “I didn’t have a problem with them before because we were in a stable continuum when you used them earlier. And in the case of that destroyed city, it was doomed to vanish anyway. But the instability of your plot holes is not a risk we can afford in an uncanonical dimension! Ugh, I really should’ve packed the Logicillin…”
Lapis: “Hold up! You honestly think I can destroy a Word World?! That sounds so… so Suvian! ”
Sarah: “But you were a Mary Sue! Didn’t you have the power to wipe out half a continent just by throwing a hissy fit or something?!”
Lapis: “All that power was because of a mental link with a legendary Pokémon, and that link is gone! I may be a nuisance to both of you, but what could possibly make you think I’m any more of a danger than Matt is?!”
Cupid: “Uh, girls?”
Lapis and Sarah: “ WHAT?! ”
Cupid: “Scriptfic format, remember? And keep your voices down – if I could hear you two from a mile away, I’ll bet Matt can too!”
An instant later, Sarah realized in horror that she’d made a huge mistake, and instantly reset the story format with the C-CAD.
“We need to get outta here!” Lapis said frantically. “Matt’s charges from this chapter include having a golden aura without justification, seeing through his Dragon Chains, healing people with his Speshul blood, transferring his powers to other people temporarily, being chosen by God, making Inuyasha and Kagome a little too passionate with each other…”
“ Poutanas gios, that’s a lot of charges,” Cupid muttered in disgust.
“If he’s nigh indestructible, how do we kill him?” asked Sarah. “Do we chuck ‘im into space or something?”
“Let’s worry about that when we get rid of him!” Lapis said, preparing to open up another plot hole, but Sarah stopped her again.
“I know you’re anxious,” she chided, “but we can’t take any chances. Just leave this to me.”
The disguised Pokémon trainer decided not to argue, and followed her partners into Chapter 3.
One of the villians ( I shant spoil it here :)) was the main villian in the first story in this series-just to clear up/explain it ahead of time in case any readers are wondering where he came from.
“Didn’t the author already say there were more of these stories at the beginning?” asked Sarah.
“If there were, I’m glad they accidentally wrote over them,” Lapis fumed.
Up ahead a ways, the group could see the village they'd been looking for. Matt:"So, what's in this village that's so important, anyway?" Sango:"We'd heard that a renowned physician lives there. Perhaps, he knows how to rid the miasma from Miroku's body." Matt:"Well, couldn't you just have Kagome purify the miasma?" Miroku:"Unfortunately, that only works if she can touch the miasma directly. It's inside my Windtunnel, so nothing can touch it directly." Matt:"Hmmm...that is a problem." Matt didn't bring it up anymore for the remainder of the walk. Within minutes, the group had managed to reach the village.
As the agents arrived at the village as well, a tabby-sized furry creature flew down to greet them, its paws moving as though it were walking upon the air. It looked like a diminutive lion with two tails and large, saber-like fangs; instead of a mane, it had a mop of black hair on its head with a small ponytail, blue eyes, and dark blue and purple fur.
Cupid let out a squee. “ Sugoi! Aren’t you a cute little thing?” he cooed, petting the creature’s head. Its fur bristled for a few moments at the Fangirl Japanese (which also earned him an offended glare from Lapis), but then it relaxed and purred at his touch.
“A mini-nekomata!” said Lapis. “These things are normally the size of a horse – I know Kirara is. And this one would probably be Windtunnel . The correct spelling is ‘Wind Tunnel’, or in Japanese, Kazaana .”
“But why does it look like Miroku?” asked Sarah. “They didn’t misspell his name specifically.”
“But if you misspell the name of an ability, the mini takes on an appearance similar to the character who uses that ability,” Lapis continued, “And as for the fic itself, physicians don’t deal with curses, and Miroku and Sango should’ve been married with children by this point. Where are they, anyway?!”
“I get the feeling they’re back in their home dimension, wondering where their parents went,” said Sarah.
“I feel sorry for them,” Cupid replied, picking up the mini-nekomata like a kitten. “They’d probably be starving by now.”
The agents and the mini moved on, watching an oddly beige description of Sango searching around for the (deceased) physician whom the canons thought could help with the uncanonical miasma. After a while, the group stopped for lunch, but Matt wandered off, flying into the air when he sensed another presence.
“Oh man, if it’s another Stu, we may have to press charges to both of them and blow this place up,” Sarah grumbled.
“What about the canons?!” Lapis whimpered in fright. “Lady Kaede I can understand, but what about the others?”
“We can put them back in the actual , canonical InuYasha continuum,” said Cupid. “I can steal the Super Truck and hopefully drive them there. I’ve used an Exo Tank enough times to know how to drive a World One vehicle.”
“Wait, weren’t you a Sue-wraith back in your homefic?” asked Lapis.
“I still have Pit’s memories from the time when I possessed him,” the angel noted. “My backstory about how I died was the only real problem, and the happenings of the Kid Icarus games weren’t touched at all. So that means I know everything he does.”
The ex-Sue looked at him skeptically. “I hope you’re right,” she said after a pause. “I don’t think the rest of us have driver’s licenses! I certainly don’t…”
Soon, Matt landed in the forest. Matt:"[Inner] That's strange. I only felt that soul for a second. I should be able to detect it for as long as I want." Suddenly, Matt heard a deep voice from behind him. ?:"So, it seems that I am not the only demon who is roaming these woods." Matt turned to see the very embodiment of evil; Naraku.
The agents once again stared in horror, Sarah dry-heaving again at the rapid shifts in story format. The Stu feigned an agreement with Naraku, and not surprisingly, the antagonistic canon bought it.
“The Aura of Smooth is strong with this one,” Sarah quipped with a Darth Vader-style heavy breathing.
“Can we just file this under making everyone act OOC?” Lapis asked in disdain.
“We’ll need to skip ahead to when the Stu meets back with the canons,” said Sarah. “Though I’m willing to bet that we’ll be seeing a fight fairly soon.”
“But why?” asked Cupid. “Can’t that wait until later when the boss actually presents himself to Inuyasha and friends?”
“Only one way to be sure,” said Sarah.
The agents portaled their way to the actual fight, which involved Matt acting oddly sadistic, tearing off Inuyasha’s arms and then whispering something to him before fighting the others.
Needless to say, all three of the agents cringed, and Sarah took another anti-nausea pill.
“Dear Arceus, I am not putting my hands anywhere near that bastard!” Lapis whimpered.
“ Iero gamo, this is awful!” Cupid understated.
“And also despicable, cruel, sociopathic, and far beyond the worst that anybody in the anime has ever done to another person on-screen! ” Lapis agreed.
The Stu tore the uncanonical miasma out of Miroku and made his escape a moment later, after which Inuyasha’s arms regenerated (thanks, of course, to Matt’s Magic!!). The agents sighed in relief.
“We’ll need to send Inuyasha and Miroku to FicPsych after we get rid of this guy,” said Sarah.
“Along with the rest of the canons, for that matter,” added Cupid. “I’m not familiar with the InuYasha continuum and even I think this is the worst skata I’ve ever watched in my life, all three months of it! And seeing as we’re spending so much time in the InuYasha continuum, I don’t think this even qualifies as a crossover with Smash Bros. at all.”
Suddenly, Matt's Soul Sense kicked in again and he sensed a very familiar soul; a soul he never wanted to sense again. From in the woods, a large figure appeared. That figure was Giga Bowser! Matt:"[Inner] WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING ALIVE? No doubt, Naraku revived him to be his servant. With any luck, though, Giga Bowser won't blow my cover; he's never seen Brawn, but he might recognize the aura."
The agents gaped yet again at the scene before them. At the sight of Giga Bowser, Windtunnel roared like a lion and attempted to claw his way out of Cupid’s hands, no doubt intending to fight the spike-shelled monster.
Lapis: “Uh, you were saying?”
Cupid stuffed the outraged mini in his bag before taking out his Bleeport and Chalice, and a moment later, he looked at the bottle and scowled.
Cupid: “Sarah, you know I like Bleeport Agiorgitiko. This is Bleeport Limnio.”
Sarah: “What difference does it make?”
The angel popped open the cork of the Bleeport anyway, and poured it into the Chalice before taking a few gulps.
Cupid: “The flavor makes all the difference in the world to me. The Agiorgitiko brand has a spicy flavor with a hint of plum that I really like, but the Limnio tastes like bay leaves and I’m not fond of the aftertaste.”
Sarah: “How am I supposed to know that?! I don’t even drink! And how do you get the time to sample all the Bleeport varieties, anyway?!”
Cupid: “Cultivars, Sarah. (hic) Cultivars!”
Lapis: “Now’s not the time to talk about beverages, you idiots! Can’t we stabilize our format so we’re in permanent third person?!”
Sarah: “Do you think I haven’t already tried that?! The badfic is changing format so many times that it’s overriding the C-CAD! Hang on a sec… Ah, here we go!…”
Just then, Inuyasha and the others appeared. After a couple of lines of dialogue between Giga Bowser and the heroes, the fight began in earnest.
Lapis quivered in terror when Matt’s Dragonic Backlash sent Giga Bowser stumbling dangerously close to the group. The air shimmered around her again, but she stopped herself before she could escape through the plot hole.
“I’m a little disappointed that it took me this long to realize this,” she said, “but did you guys hear something… off about the way the canons and the Stu were talking?”
“We were so focused on the scriptfic format we got ourselves into that we didn’t hear anything,” said Sarah. “At least I didn’t. I was too busy trying to reset the format. Also, is it just me, or is it getting windy around here again?”
Cupid’s eyes widened a little. “While you ladies were squabbling and doing other stuff,” he mused aloud, “I noticed that all of the characters were saying their lines at the same time. It was a lot harder for me to notice who was saying what because of that, like so many voices at once.”
Sarah blinked, and then her brow furrowed in thought. “Huh. Now that you’ve brought that up, I think I know why. The spoken lines were not given separate paragraphs!”
Lapis looked up and gasped. Blowing in the wind were a bunch of backwards P-shaped symbols, some of which were getting stuck in the treetops. Her look of despair confirmed her partners’ worst expectations. “Legendaries, you’re right! It’s like the Tip Top mnemonic is being thrown out the window.”
“Tip Top?” asked Cupid. “Is that, like, the pointy end of a mountain or something?”
“You have to make a new paragraph every time the Ti me, P lace, To pic, or P erson changes within the narrative,” Lapis explained in her usual flustered voice, pointing up at the ¶-symbols drifting in the wind above them. “You’d be surprised how many Suethors forget that very basic rule.”
“Good thing our authors didn’t,” Sarah replied. “We can consider this a charge, can we?”
“No, we can throw it out with the figurative bathwater. Let’s just watch this trainwreck and eat stale popcorn,” Lapis snapped, before throwing her hands into the air. “Of course it’s a charge! Did you honestly think I’d say anything else?!”
Cupid leaned over to Sarah and whispered in her ear, “Welcome to my world.”
Another long paragraph later, Matt managed to drive Giga Bowser and Naraku away. Windtunnel slipped out of Cupid’s bag, letting out a frustrated growl.
Matt turned to his friends and said, "I want to apologize for deceiving you. I did sense Naraku in the woods back in the village and when I found that I couldn't sense his soul properly, I came up with a spur of the moment plan to become his false servant and get a feel for his 'soul'. Oh, and sorry about the whole 'ripping your arms off' thing, Inuyasha. I know how that feels... Look, I understand completely if all of you hate me now, but I figured it was the best way to help." Inuyasha:"You could've said something to us instead of just suddenly 'turning evil'! Why didn't you? I thought we were friends!"
“Friends don’t let friends rip your limbs off,” said Cupid, idly playing with his new mini’s two tails. “Kick you in the stomach, knock you past the blast line, toss a Blue Shell at you, take a hammer to your crotch, and yes, tickle the living skata out of your feet –” he winked at Sarah “– but not rip your limbs off.”
“Can we get to the next chapter now?” asked Lapis. “We’re past most of the action now and the rest of this is gonna get pretty repetitive. The end of this chapter is just Matt apologizing for what happened and burying the hatchet with Inuyasha. And he’s instantly forgiven. As for the next chapter, well…”
“What happens in the next chapter?” asked Cupid.
“I’m not sure,” said Sarah. “But we’ll have to keep following this Stu. Judging from the next chapter title, they’re probably going back to the present day.”
“And cause at least seven figures of property damage?” asked Lapis.
“He wouldn’t do that,” the Super snarked. “He sounds too… justice-y.”
“Since when has that stopped any of the canonical heroes I’ve read about?” asked Cupid.
“The key difference is that those guys are written well, ” Sarah replied. “And as far as we know, Matt certainly isn’t.”
Deciding not to argue any further, the agents portaled their way to the next chapter. Behind them, unknown to their knowledge, Lapis’ second plot hole began attracting some fallen leaves, sucking them into nothingness. And back in the first chapter, the last remaining trees within a twenty-foot radius of her first plot hole were already disintegrating…
A few paragraphs of dialogue passed by, during which the agents reset their format as usual, though they obviously couldn’t stop the pilcrows flying around everywhere. InuYasha and Kagome announced that they were going to get married (“Took you long enough,” Lapis snarked), and Matt decided to take the group to the modern era to break the news to Kagome’s family. A moment later, Matt used a keychain to summon his Super Truck. The agents all facepalmed, and Lapis charged for having the well that the canons had used to access the feudal world still work its magic five years post-canon.
“And of course he’d show off his wonderful toys,” she said.
“Can I drive that thing? Please please pleeeease? ” Cupid begged.
“NO!” the girls both responded angrily.
“We can at least get you into the truck, though, just to see how it works,” Sarah added hastily.
“Yay!” Cupid cried before hiccuping again. Windtunnel gave the girls a look as though to say, “Is he always like this?”
The agents snuck into the back of the surprisingly large vehicle just as the canons made their way inside. They sat far enough from the group that they wouldn’t be noticed and listened to the Stu explaining to Sango how the Super Truck worked.
Predictably, the truck warped to right outside Kagome’s house.
The agents and the mini snuck out of the truck, feeling a little queasy. Sarah trailed behind her partners a little and took another of her pills.
As soon as the canons were out, the Super Truck was sent to “Home Base”, leaving the agents to follow the Stu around in the present day.
After some fiddling with the D.O.R.K.S., the group changed into modern attire, with the mini resembling a black Burmese cat. They watched the Stu explaining to the canons that they were no longer in their home time period. While the canons went off to introduce themselves to Kagome’s family, Matt noticed some commotion in the distance and headed off to do some Good Old-Fashioned Crime-Fighting™.
“So, does this mean we’ll get to see the Stu in action again?” asked Cupid.
“Maybe,” said Sarah. “But if what we’ve seen of him so far is any indicator, he’s probably gonna beat up more bad guys in a day than my whole family does in a week!”
Indeed, with the agents still on his tail, Matt proceeded to take on a group of thugs holding up a general store (and win, of course ), before swinging through the city with his Dragon Chains and stopping a purse-snatcher. Sarah was reminded of a certain web-slinging superhero when she saw the swinging Stu, and as she expected, he thought to himself, "I always wanted to be like SpiderMan..."
“The Stu’s gonna save a bunch of people from a building fire in an hour or so,” the Super grumbled after she checked the Words. “This is getting boring. When do we jump this guy?”
“We can’t!” Lapis cried out. “Not yet! He’s too dangerous and we need a strategy!”
“But can’t we just fling him into space and be done with it?” asked Sarah.
“I don’t know if that’ll work,” Cupid pointed out. “I – well, Pit could breathe in outer space when he visited the Galactic Sea.”
“But this world isn’t like Kid Icarus, ” said Lapis.
“I know, but when’s that ever stopped this Stu?” Cupid asked. “Let’s just skip ahead and get back to Kagome’s place. I wonder how the canons are doing.”
“Sounds good,” Sarah replied, before opening a portal.
About an hour later, Matt reached Kagome's house again. Matt soon discovered that the others had been welcomed by Kagome's family and that Kagome and Inuyasha had just recently returned. Kagome:"This is a wonderful surprise, but how did you all get here? I thought that only Inuyasha and I could travel through the well." Sango:"Well, Matt had some kind of device he called a 'Truck' and used it to pass through a 'Dimensional Barrier'. Next thing we know, we're here meeting with your family and being served delicious food. We were finally able to thank your mother personally for all that fine food she's made for us over the years." Kagome:"That's good. We just stopped in to say hi, then went to see my friends here. We told them the good news, and you should've seen their faces light up!" Kagome's Mom:"What news, dear?" Kagome:"I wanted to wait until supper, but I guess now's a good time. Inuyasha proposed to me; we're getting married!"
Kagome's little brother, Sota, said, "Whoa! And here I thought Inuyasha was incapable of the 'mushy stuff'!" Kagome's Mom:"That's simply wonderful, dear! Why didn't you tell us sooner? I could've prepared a celebration meal!" Although he didn't stop Kagome from saying it, Inuyasha was turning bright red with embarrassment in the corner. Sota:"Oh, come on, Inuyasha! Even tough-guys need to settle down!"
The agents and the mini managed to sneak some Generic Food away from the dinner table. Cupid, of course, tossed his onto the floor before starting to eat alongside Windtunnel.
“At least the fic described it as being delicious,” Sarah chuckled.
“I’m a little confused at the canons accepting Inuyasha and Kagome’s marriage proposal so quickly,” said Lapis.
“Yeah, but it’s been five years since they first met,” said Cupid, taking the time to enjoy some Bleeport with his floor food. “Give ‘em time and (hic) some good ol’ 69, and –”
“That’s enough,” Lapis cut him off, nudging his arm. “Can we skip ahead to when the Stu meets with the canons again?”
“Sure,” her partners said at the same time.
“But no plot holes this time,” said Sarah.
“Yeah, well, this is modern-day Tokyo,” Lapis replied. “It’s not like it’s gonna get sucked into one little plot hole…”
If she’d gone back to the feudal times, the ex-Sue would have realized that she had spoken too soon. She would’ve seen that the two plot holes she had left in the previous chapters had already obliterated several acres of landscape, and they were still growing. The agents’ decision to evacuate Lady Kaede had been a lot smarter than they’d thought.
As it was, the agents skipped past the Stu talking with Kagome’s family, only briefly stopping to note a scene where he discussed his powers with her little brother, Sota.
Matt laughed, then said, "Thanks, that means a lot, although I kind of expected that response. To answer your question, I'm kind of a medley of different things." Sota:"Like what?" Matt:"Well, in my dimension, this world is 5th in the line of dimensions and the things that happen here are shown on TV in my world as entertainment. My powers are from various dimensions that most people know as make-believe." Sota:"Cool! What are your powers made from?" Matt:"I'm 1 part Dragon, 2 parts alien, 2 parts demon, 1 part enhanced human, and 1 part normal human. One of those demons...well, that's a story for another time. [Sarcastic] So, anyway, are we all going to stay out here all night or are you going to invite me inside?"
The agents looked at each other in identical expressions of revulsion.
“Yep, he’s gonna be good as dead when we’re done,” Sarah muttered.
“Let’s skip past the inane urple dialogue,” said Lapis. “We’ve got to check out the action if we’re gonna strategize.”
One portal later, the agents landed in the opening scene of the following day. Matt explained his trajeck past to Sota, and offered to give him a lift to school. At 300 mph.
The agents were left in the dust – and once again, completely speechless.
“That… is… MARVILLE-TIER BULLSHIT!!! ” Sarah screamed, causing Windtunnel to yowl and leap onto Cupid’s head. “Goddammit, I’ve flown at that speed enough times to know that the air resistance will shred the flesh from your bones without proper streamlining! The only two reasons my face is still intact are because the kinetic field I use for flight negates all that friction, and because my entire body is resistant enough that the drag won’t mean diddly-squat anyway! Fucking jet engines notwithstanding, of course, but still! ”
“I have no idea what you just said, but I’ll take your word for it,” said Cupid, attempting to wrench the startled mini off of him.
“And that’s not even getting to the inertia, either! You can’t just take off like that without breaking every bone in your body, and don’t get me started on carrying a civilian passenger! How, in the actual flying fuck, did Sota not get his arms torn from their sockets the moment the Stu took off?!”
“Before you ask, yes, all that’s chargeworthy,” Lapis said, her tone as biting as her teeth in her normal form.
“Shut up,” Sarah snarled. “Do you think I don’t already know that?! Let’s get to near the end of this stupid chapter. There’s a terrorist holdup and we shouldn’t miss it.”
After calming Windtunnel enough for him to stop clawing at Cupid’s hair, the group portaled past an emergency report on Sota’s high school being raided (complete with Kagome holding Inuyasha back in case he went and messed things up), and arrived at the school, where the Stu was already making his way into the building.
Staying outside the school, the agents kept track of the Words, which described the terrorists holding the children hostage and explaining that their ransom was for an ultimate weapon of some kind, created by their self-proclaimed boss.
“How many Stus are we going to be dealing with on this mission again?” asked Cupid.
“Just the one,” Sarah replied, cocking her head curiously as the Words described the commotion that was Matt rescuing the kids.
“I don’t know… That Giga Bowser we saw earlier didn’t look canonical to me,” said Cupid. “Bowser’s Final Smash can only be done for a couple of seconds before he has to turn back to normal. Character replacement?”
“We can take care of him in a jiffy if that’s the case,” said Sarah. “Next to Matt, that pretentious overgrown tortoise would be a total cakewalk.”
“Cake? I love cake!” Cupid cried.
“We can skip this part because it’s the same as always,” Lapis said, pretending as though her partner hadn’t blurted out something silly. “That includes Sota and Hitomi concealing Matt’s secret identity even though pretty much the entire city saw him on TV.”
“He got seen on TV?” the angel agent asked in surprise.
“Yeah. And nobody suspects a thing. As usual.”
The group portaled off to the next chapter, which started with a sudden snowfall. The agents used the D.O.R.K.S. to change into warmer clothes (with some difficulty, due to shivering like crazy). While Windtunnel played in the snow, the agents watched the Stu in his beast form clear out the snow around Kagome’s house, and later engage in a snowball fight with the canons. Not knowing what else to do, the agents decided to portal to close to New Year’s, which was right after the declaration of “Murphy’s Law”.
“Yeah, this’ll end well,” said Lapis.
“I thought the expression was, ‘If it can happen, it will happen’,” said Cupid.
“No, it really is ‘anything that can go wrong will go wrong’, Interstellar notwithstanding,” said Sarah. “And according to the Words, Inuyasha will be in human form because of some… happenings… with Kagome, and then there’s gonna be some Random Thugs sneaking up on our favorite lovers soon. They should be showing up right about…”
This resolution was kept, until a few minutes later. Suddenly, Matt could sense three more souls coming up next to Inuyasha and Kagome. At first, Matt thought nothing of it, but suddenly Inuyasha's life force blanked out, and Kagome's life force started to go in the same direction as the other three! A short time later, Kagome's blanked out as well. These events happened right when the fireworks' grand finale ended, meaning that Matt couldn't transform to go and investigate. Matt:"Something's happened to Inuyasha and Kagome! Stay out of sight and go back to the shrine! I'll check it out!" The others started to protest, but Matt had already taken off in haste.
“…now,” Sarah finished.
“At least he’s sensible enough to go after them rather than not caring,” said Cupid.
“Since when has this guy ever been sensible?” the Super growled. “He’s been doing things that would be considered suicidal since Chapter One, and the only reason he isn’t dead yet is because he’s fucking godmodding! ”
“You took the words right out of my mouth, Sarah,” Lapis added. “We’ll have to skip ahead to when he fights off the canons’ kidnappers. That’ll be fun.”
“But watching the Stu beat up the umpteenth enemy won’t be fun!” Cupid protested. “It’ll be so boring! ”
“I was being sarcastic,” said Lapis. “We pretty much stopped having fun since we started this mission.”
The villains had holed themselves up in an old, abandoned factory up in the mountains. They'd captured Kagome for their "enjoyment"; Inuyasha had something to say about that. The evil men had stripped her down to her underwear while she was unconscious, but she woke up before they could go any further. Kagome struggled violently against the ropes that held her in a standing position, but her struggles were in vain. The ringleader was a huge man, who approached her with a lustful look in his eyes. He started to grope her, as Miroku had been prone to doing, but he did it in a much more unpleasant and unfriendly way. She continued to struggle, attempting to get the evil man to stop, but he wouldn't. All he said was, "Oh, how I've missed the touch of a good woman..."
Suddenly, to Kagome's immense relief, Inuyasha burst through the door leading to another room and sliced the evil violator in the arm with an untransformed, "rusty" Tetsusaiga. Inuyasha:"You picked the wrong girl to abduct!" Inuyasha was easily a match for the big guy and his accomplices in his half-demon state, but in his human form, he was quite outnumbered. Inuyasha soon figured this out the hard way; soon, Tetsusaiga was shot from his hand, and the other men ganged up on him. Inuyasha soon found himself fighting against two men, who were holding his arms in place, while the third pounded Inuyasha mercilessly.
At the sight of what was happening, Cupid drained the rest of the Bleeport in his Chalice, filled the cup again, and gulped that down too. Windtunnel cowered between his legs with a traumatized mew.
“Okay, that does it,” Lapis whimpered, hiding behind her male partner. “I’m not letting you get anywhere near a steering wheel anytime soon.”
Sarah went bone-white, her teeth grinding together in a fury that would have burned down the entire mountain had it been made physical.
“Getting pulled over for DUI,” she snarled, “will be the least of Cupid’s fucking problems in a few chapters’ time. Trust me.”
Right on cue, the Stu burst in and attacked the thugs holding the canons hostage. Tossing a capsule of his Speshul golden blood at Inuyasha, he promptly began his next fight. Though he managed to hold up quite well, as usual, the thugs had brought weapons of their own.
Apparently, these weren't ordinary weapons; each of the weapons fired a unique energy composed of an element. These included fire, electricity, ice, and, the most potent of all: darkness. Matt blocked the beams by making an "X" with his arms, but the tremendous force behind the beams was pushing him back! After a few moments, Matt extended his Spikes of Penance; the Spikes were endowed with an invisible Light Magic that blocked 25% of Fire, Electricity, and Ice Magic, as well as 50% of Dark Magic. With this slight resistance, Matt was able to fight through the energy beams being shot at him. That is, until the boss ordered, "He's fighting his way through! Turn it up to full power! "
This led to Matt getting the flesh of his upper body burned off as he continued blocking the energy blasts. With no choice left, he turned into Brawn and wiped the floor with the Random Thugs and their boss. Meanwhile, Kagome was freed by Inuyasha, and burst into tears in his arms, while Matt realized that something truly terrible had happened to her.
The agents’ eyes widened with stark horror as they realized what the thugs had been about to do. Cupid poured and downed another half-cup of Bleeport in less than fifteen seconds, but the memory of his own trajeck backstory came flooding back anyway.
Some minutes later, the fight ended, and oddly enough, Brawn decided not to kill the Random Thugs. Instead…
Once he'd pinned them, Matt loomed over the semiconscious violators. The men tried desperately to free their arms and hands to defend themselves, but they were immobilized. Matt:"If I ever hear about you coming near or so much as looking at my friends the wrong way again, I promise you..." Matt extended his Mace and held it only an inch or two in front of each man's face. "...I will finish what I started!" With that, Matt sheathed his Mace and gave one final cold-clock to each violator, finishing them off.
Cupid’s hands were trembling so violently that the Bleeport bottle and Chalice nearly slipped out of his fingers. His expression was one that the agents had never seen before: hatred. A burning, white-hot, all-consuming hatred that eclipsed even Sarah’s own.
“Hold my Bleeport and my cat,” the angel agent snarled before hiccuping and taking out his RA. “I’ll take care of this.”
“Where are you going?” asked Lapis.
“Unfinished business,” Cupid replied in a dangerous voice. “Meet me at the start of Chapter 6. You girls can check for any more charges, but I’ve got things to do.”
“But you’re so totally hammered that you’ll get yourself killed!” Lapis pleaded. “Did you see what those horrors were planning to do to Kagome?”
“I know,” Cupid replied, taking out his bow. “And for the record, I don’t give a gamo. ”
The girls gave him an understanding look, and with that, the angel split off from his partners and portaled his way over to where the bits were imprisoned.
Several minutes later, during which Cupid charged the four with attempted rape in a PG-13 setting, abuse of multiple canonical characters, uncanonical weaponry, and enraging him beyond any reasonable capacity, Cupid opened a portal and hurled the disarmed thugs through, one by one. They landed in the middle of some kind of forest.
“Feudal Japan, where the guy you beat up came from,” the disguised angel explained with a fearsome glare. “Tell Naraku I said hi!”
With one last drunken hiccup, he closed the portal. The thugs stood up, not knowing what to do, but a few moments later, some kind of noise reached them, like the howling wind of a tornado accompanied by things being ripped up from the ground and sucked into it.
A few moments later, a tree nearby started to sway dangerously, and then its roots were suddenly torn from the ground. It flew through the air, pulled by some invisible force towards something enormous. The thugs turned to look at it – and screamed in horror.
All four of them tried to run, but the same invisible force began pulling them in, and incoming debris knocked them airborne anyway. The Random Thugs were powerless to escape the plot hole that was now tearing everything within a half-mile radius to shreds. The huge disturbance in space-time rested at the bottom of a massive sinkhole which was growing bigger and deeper by the minute.
If only the agents had known how unstable the uncanonical fifth dimension really was.
Approximately two weeks after Kagome's horrible incident, a late night news report happened across the TV that struck Matt rather hard. TV:"Over the past few days, a number of missing person reports have been flooding the police department. As the numbers started, they grew by almost double the previous night's count." Matt:"[Inner] I hope that doesn't mean what I think it does... [Audible] I'm going to head out for a while." Kagome:"Huh? It's almost midnight!" Matt:"Perfect time to catch a thug in the act..."
The scene suddenly shifted around the girls, taking them into the center of Tokyo. Sarah dry-heaved once again, and popped another anti-nausea pill.
“What’s this guy gonna do next, stop a school shooting?” she asked.
“Nope,” replied Lapis. “It’d be too similar to the terrorist holdup from earlier.”
A portal opened up next to them, and Cupid stumbled through. Windtunnel rushed up to him and rubbed against his legs.
“Did I miss anything?” he asked, his voice still slightly slurred.
“Not much, apart from the Stu having a dream sequence involving a bunch of bad guys we’re still trying to identify,” said Sarah. “I think we should be more worried about what he does when he’s awake, though.”
Cupid nodded in agreement, and resumed watching the fic along with the others. And just in time, too – the thug that Matt was now confronting turned out to be a vampire.
Needless to say, said vampire didn’t last long against him. He did, however, gloat long enough for the Stu to deduce that he had been created by someone named Degenhardt.
“But, what the hell is he doing in Tokyo ?” the Stu thought aloud. The vampire, who was briefly struck dumb, acted as though he hadn’t heard him.
And then Matt killed him in a single blow.
“Well, that’s the end of that,” said Lapis. “Rather anticlimactic, too, but that’s Matt for you.”
“We can skip ahead to when Degenhardt actually shows up,” said Sarah. “I bet that would be interesting.”
“Was he canonical?” asked Cupid. “He doesn’t sound like he’s from the InuYasha continuum…”
“The C-CAD has a search function for canon characters,” said Sarah. “I can take a look.”
Sarah entered the name into the search bar, and raised an eyebrow. There was one matching entry:
[Degenhardt. Vampire. Hunter: The Reckoning canon, main antagonist. Motive: Restoration of deceased relatives. Post-canon status: Deceased.]
“If he’s still alive in the fic,” said Lapis, “we may be dealing with another replacement.”
“Or he could’ve just been snatched from the actual game,” Cupid replied before hiccuping again. Apparently, the effects of the Bleeport hadn’t dissipated completely.
“I don’t know,” said Sarah. “But we’ll have to keep going. We need to see what happens to Degenhardt. Though knowing what we’ve seen so far, I won’t be surprised if Matt kills him eventually.”
The agents portaled past Matt tracking down another vampire and landed in the scene after that, which showed the Stu preparing to enter the building where the vampires held a lot of people hostage. He started off by killing the vampire guarding the skylight above the building with sickening ease.
With that thought, Matt looked in through the skylight. Most of the lights inside were off, so visibility was limited. However, Matt was still able to see a huge multitude of people. On man in particular caught Matt's eye; he appeared to be middleaged with a lightly grown beard. He also had some blood on his face, apparently from a struggle that he'd lost. All of the other captives had no wounds on their faces or bodies at all... Matt also saw what he wished he hadn't...Degenhardt. Matt:"[Inner] So, it's true; he did survive our encounter. That's right...the Shadowlands is the other side of the Hole. Degenhardt was sucked inside and now he's found his way out! Dammit! First Giga Bowser and now Degenhardt. Don't any of my enemies stay dead anymore!"
That sounded more like an exclamation than a question.
“Because he’s been yanked out of the actual canon, of course,” Sarah whispered.
“We have to get outta here!” said Lapis. “He’s gonna blow his cover and the vampires will all be after him! Can we get to the next morning?”
Cupid checked the Words a little further down. “But there’s gonna be a bunch of half-vampires attacking Kagome’s house!”
“Even better!” said Sarah. With that, she opened a portal and led her partners through.
Matt transformed and extended his Adamantium Mace. The vampires all shrieked in immense fear! Vampire:"It's him! The Hunter with metal claws! Run!" Matt:"Kagome, you have Second Sight, and so does your father!" With that, Matt flew off in pursuit of the vampires, leaving Kagome to shout after him, "My father! What do you know about my father!" After about twenty minutes, Matt was back at the holding area where Degenhardt was holding the humans. Vampress:"Father! We..." A crash through the wall stopped them short. The aura from Matt's Dragon's Soul lit up the almost lightless room. Matt re-extended his Adamantium Mace and said, "Hello, Degenhardt. Long time, no see!"
Degenhardt:"There's another Hunter with steel claws! You are not the same monster that had me thrown into the Hole years ago!" Matt:"Actually, I am that same monster. But, unlike you, I've gotten stronger since our last encounter!" Suddenly, all of Degenhardt's children jumped Matt for his insult, and paid for it dearly. By extending all four of his Dragon Chains and spinning in a circle, Matt simultaneously killed all of his foes, leaving only Degenhardt remaining. Matt:"You were always a coward, Degenhardt. Using others to do your dirty work, even your own half-vampire children!"
The agents looked at each other in horror.
“But if Matt killed Degenhardt the first time, w-what role does that leave for the protagonists of that game?!” Lapis asked in horror.
“None at all,” Cupid fumed. “I’d be pretty pissed myself if someone did that in my game. Hold my Bleeport, ladies – I’ll take care of this.”
After a short but fierce battle and several more paragraphs where Degenhardt gave up and asked Matt to kill him, Matt hurled Degenhardt back out into the sun, and watched him burn into ashes.
As soon as Matt left, Cupid emerged from his hiding place, picked up Degenhardt’s ashes, and opened a portal back to the villain’s home continuum, specifically the canonical portal to the Shadowlands that Degenhardt had been thrown into at the end of his game’s final boss battle. After whispering a brief prayer for his recovery from the Stu’s effects, he scattered the ashes into the winds, watching them get sucked into the world beyond.
Sarah and Lapis were already opening up a portal into the next chapter when Cupid rejoined them.
“How did it go?” asked Sarah, handing the Bleeport and Chalice back to her partner.
“Success,” the angel replied. “Degenhardt won’t be coming back anytime soon.”
“The rest of this chapter is just banter between Matt and Inuyasha,” said Lapis. “We’ll need to skip ahead to Chapter Seven. Maybe we can kill the Stu there.”
“And Giga Bowser, too!” Cupid added. “Of course, Matt’s gonna be the bigger challenge. But I’m sure we’ll manage it.”
“We probably won’t now that you’ve said it,” Lapis muttered, a giant sweat-drop sliding down her hair, “but okay!”
The agents made their way to the start of the next chapter, just in time to witness Inuyasha tell the others that Naraku was still out there.
So they all hopped back onto the Super Truck and drove back to Dimension 5.
They all returned to Kaede's village to find that, for the most part, it was unaffected by any trouble. There was but one house that was destroyed; unfortunately, it was Kaede's house! Sango:"That's Kaede's house! Naraku and that monster must've done this!" Matt:"Her house my have been destroyed, but she is still quite alive. It would seem that Naraku and Giga Bowser missed her. What does surprise me, though, is that the rest of the village wasn't destroyed as well."
But before the agents could follow the canons, they suddenly realized that something was terribly wrong.
The C-CAD started making a [BEEEEEEEEEP!] not unlike the console, and Sarah took it out again. She looked at the reading and gasped in shock.
“The reality decay rate is five times greater than normal!” she cried. “Well, if you can refer to Matt defiling multiple continua as ‘normal’.”
“Where’s the biggest disturbance?” asked Cupid. “If it’s another monster, then…”
Sarah checked the readings again. “The forest where the werewolves attacked in Chapter One. We have to go back–”
“ Shimatta! No no, DON’T! ” Lapis screamed, tugging at her partner’s arm.
“But why?” asked Cupid. “We have to!”
“It’s not a monster,” the disguised Pokémon trainer said in horrified realization. “Remember when I accidentally plot-holed during the fight between Brawn and the werewolves?”
The other agents looked at each other. “Yeah, we know. We told you not to. Why?”
Lapis gave them a terrified look, holding up a hand in a gesture to remain silent. “There’s a sound in the distance,” she said. “Like a distant wind and things being torn up from the ground.”
“What, the paragraph-wind?” asked Cupid.
“No, not that.” Lapis held her hand up a little higher. “Listen more closely.”
The agents and the mini looked towards the forest. The noises of destruction were slowly getting closer, which could only mean one thing.
The plot hole was growing.
“This,” Cupid whispered, “is going to be a very bad day.”
“EVERYBODY OUT! ON THE DOUBLE!!”
Sarah’s voice woke the inhabitants of the village quite rudely, and they emerged, wondering what was going on.
“What’s happening?” asked one of them, watching as three strangers rushed into the village with the tiny, dark-colored nekomata in tow. “What are you doing here?!”
“The question is, what are you doing here?!” asked Lapis. “There’s a disaster just outside of your village, and it’ll swallow all of you up if you don’t come with us!”
“But this is our home,” said another villager. “We live here, and we have nowhere else to go.”
“That’s not true,” said Cupid. “Someone put you here and you didn’t realize it. This is a fake village, and a fake world! We can take you to your actual home world, though. All you have to do is trust us!”
“What about Inuyasha and Kagome?” asked a third villager.
“We’ll take care of them, too,” said Sarah. “For now, though–”
There was a terrible noise from nearby. The plot hole was now tearing away the trees at the very edge of the forest. One of them soared through the air, scattering an entire flock of pilcrows, and collided with a flying boulder, itself shattering to splinters before being sucked in. Any closer, and it could easily have been someone’s house.
The villagers all flew into a panic. They raced out of their houses and ran as fast as they could from the destruction. Thinking quickly, Lapis relayed the coordinates for the canonical InuYasha dimension and Lady Kaede’s village, and Sarah dialed them into her RA before opening up a portal.
“This way! Hurry!” she cried, and the villagers all streamed towards their actual home.
Once everyone was out, the agents neuralyzed the commoners, closed the portal, and headed off to find the Stu. Matt was now in the Forest of Sorrow, suffering from a strange hallucination.
Matt:"There's something wrong here..." In a flash, the Forest of Sorrow changed the peaceful dream, into a horrid nightmare; the firebombing of his home was replayed before his eyes! But, this time, the flames and explosions didn't hurt him at all or even cause him to move! The power of the Forest of Sorrow replayed the event as if Matt was completely immortal and invulnerable! To top it off, when he emerged from the rubble, there wasn't a single person around! Matt:"Oh my God! What happened! A nuclear holocaust!" Suddenly, Matt heard an unfamiliar voice coming from the wind saying, "How does it feel? To be completely immortal, yet have no one to share your eternity with! No family, no friends, no animals, no companions whatsoever! All that power, but no one to use it for, no purpose to it. It's scary to be all alone, isn't it?"
“Indeed, it would be,” said Cupid, his voice suddenly melancholy. He covered his mouth in horror at what he’d just said, and promptly took out his Bleeport again.
“Not now!” said Sarah. “We’re gonna move in during the battle after this. Giga Bowser, Naraku, and Matt will all be busy fighting each other. Three birds, one stone.”
“So Naraku’s a replacement too?”
“He died at the end of the canon, and this is apparently five years after that. We’ll still have to check, though.”
Indeed, when they joined up with Inuyasha and Naraku fighting, the C-CAD showed that the former was in good condition as canons go, but also that the latter was indeed a little past his due.
[Inuyasha. Human/demon hybrid. InuYasha canon, main protagonist. Out of Character 12.51%.]
[Naraku. Demon. InuYasha canon, main antagonist. Out of Character 45.87%. Isn’t he supposed to be dead by now?]
The agents looked at each other, and silently agreed that the time to move was coming shortly. They portaled past another scene shift, and landed close to where Moriamaru and Matt started to duke it out in the Forest of Sorrow. Moriamaru's chest was a solid plate of Adamant (The correct term is “adamantite,” Lapis grumbled) , and tentacles were swarming off of his body. Matt soon got the idea to draw Moriamaru back to the canons, so Kagome’s Sacred Arrows could critically injure him.
“We’ll have to wait for Moriamaru to get busted up,” said Sarah. “Then we’ll make the final move against all three of these chumps.”
“Finally!” said Cupid. “For once, we’ll be able to actually do something about this mess!”
“We pretty much have to, anyway,” said Lapis. “The plot holes I left are probably eating up the rest of this dimension as we speak.”
The group skipped ahead of the fight with Giga Bowser, past the point where the two fights converged into one, and past the point where the united canons and the Stu turned the tide of the battle against the villains.
Shippo:"Why was Moriamaru harmed by that blast! Demonic energy can't harm Moriamaru!" Matt:"Maybe demonic energy can't, but he isn't immune to dragonic energy!"
Armed with this knowledge, the canons proceeded to attack and fatally injure Moriamaru. The agents watched and waited.
The desired result was achieved; Moriamaru started to disintegrate! Naraku also started to disappear, but not as quickly. Inuyasha:"Even with his heart destroyed, we need to deliver the finishing blow! Windscar!"
But before he could unleash the attack, a second mini-nekomata, Windscar, launched himself out of the bushes and began clawing at the Stu’s face; this mini’s long fur was as white as bone, and his eyes were a vibrant gold. At the same time, Sarah burst out of the forest and slashed at the already weakened Naraku with her sword. Ice crystals began to form from the wound, and the demon looked down at his new attacker in surprise.
He smiled in relief. Maybe he wouldn’t die by the hands of that monster after all.
Within seconds, the antagonist had become encased in ice, and another swing of the sword shattered him into a thousand pieces.
The new mini leaped off the Stu and headed over to join the agents.
“No,” Matt whispered in total shock, before transforming into his beast form. “ NO. That was my moment… MY MOMENT!!! ”
With a roar, he charged at Sarah, who swung at him with her sword. His Dragon Chains lashed out and whipped her across the stomach, sending her flying. She skidded to a halt, carving a twenty-foot ditch into the ground, and silently thanked her lucky stars and superheroes that she hadn’t been flung into a tree.
Cupid fired dozens upon dozens of energy arrows at the Stu, while Lapis used her trident to fend off another Dragon Chain from the other side. Realizing what was happening, the canons were quick to flee.
Giga Bowser, wounded and crippled, attempted to rear up, but Sarah stood up shakily, feeling the searing pain of several broken ribs, and took off, striking him with a momentum-powered uppercut. He toppled over onto his back, and glared up at her.
“Giga Bowser, you are also convicted of being a character replacement for replacing the canonical character of Bowser, appearing in a non-Nintendo continuum when you had no reason to, and aiding and abetting another replacement. Bye bye!”
Giga Bowser roared at her and tried to blast her with fire, but she dodged with an upwards leap and landed in the branches of a tree, which she quickly scaled to keep out of range. But when she reached the top, she stopped, her eyes wide with horror.
The plot holes that Lapis had created earlier were now visible all the way from where they were. The one from the first chapter was now several miles wide, and it was growing even faster still.
Dialing the RA, Sarah quickly opened a huge portal under Giga Bowser and dropped him into the lava pit in Bowser’s Castle, closing it up so she didn’t have to see him burn to death.
“We have to leave!” the Super cried to her partners, climbing back down to join them. But to her dismay, they were too busy fighting the Stu to follow.
“Matt, otherwise known as Brawn,” said Lapis, parrying a strike from Matt’s Dragon Chain. “By order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are hereby convicted of being a Gary Stu on account of a lot of charges!”
“These include writing urple prose; being stupidly overpowered; creating uncanonical places and dimensions along with a paragraph-wind, whatever that is; doing everything far too easily; stealing names from canonical characters; writing everything in a confusing format that changes too many times for us to follow; being capable of crossing dimensions without a valid excuse, namely via a Super Truck; and also having a sixth soul sense, all in the first chapter!” Cupid yelled, slashing at the other Dragon Chain with his bow.
“Additional charges include plot-convenient amnesia; snatching characters from other continua and dragging them into the fic; making multiple canons OOC; spitting in the face of common physics; allowing canonical characters to suffer from tremendous bodily harm, including attempted rape in at least one instance; having a golden aura, again with no excuse; seeing through your Dragon Chains; healing people with your Speshul blood; transferring your powers to other people temporarily; being chosen by God; and creating multiple replacements as antagonists just to make you look better,” Lapis added as she continued her duel.
Sarah landed back on the ground, charged into the fight, and attempted to slice at the Stu’s head with her sword, but he lunged at her and she had to stumble back to avoid getting her head torn off.
“Finally, on a personal level,” the Super shouted, taking up her sword against Brawn’s teeth, “you are convicted of angering us beyond belief, making me literally sick, getting my partner drunk off his immortal holy butt cheeks, scaring my other partner into creating dimension-destroying plot holes, and being so horribly written that I can see how Suvian you are from a thousand continua away! And for fuck’s sake, I don’t even read or watch InuYasha! All in all, you are a disgrace to fanfiction, and for that, your punishment is death! If you have any last words…”
The blow from his Dragon Chain sent her sprawling, her sword flying out of her hands.
“DO NOT CALL ME A DISGRACE!” Brawn roared, rearing up and preparing to pound Sarah to a thin red paste. “If not even death can defeat me, WHY SHOULD YOU?!”
“SARAH!” Lapis cried, dropping her trident. She raced towards her and, without the Super’s momentum to give her extra power, she was able to shove her aside as Brawn smashed into the ground where the Super had stood. The girls ended up sprawled on the forest floor, and with Brawn in the way, Cupid couldn’t get to them.
Using his Soul Sense to track them both, the Stu roared and lashed out with both of his Dragon Chains at once.
Sarah was able to dodge out of the way, but Lapis wasn’t so lucky. The Stu’s great slashing weapons streaked like an arrow towards the ex-Sue, who had just enough time to roll out of the way of one of them.
But she wasn’t fast enough to dodge the other one. In a panic, she threw up her arm in an attempt to block the attack – which was, in hindsight, a Bad Idea.
There was a snap of fearsome jaws, and a spray of sparkling scarlet. Lapis was sent flying, blood trailing from where her right hand had been. She hit the ground hard, sliding on her back, and skidded thirty feet before sliding to a halt, curled up in the fetal position.
Sarah and Cupid both cried out in stark horror. The Dragon Chain had severed their partner’s right hand with a single bite!
Matt/Brawn leaped high into the air, and landed in front of the wounded agent with a mighty crash. She looked up weakly to see him looming over her, his fanged maw drooling. The agents knew that neither of them could get to her in time.
Lapis lay there, quivering and bleeding, her eyes tearing up, her lips trembling. As Brawn prepared to deliver the fatal bite, she had only a second to look up at his infuriated expression.
She squeezed her teary eyes shut… and screamed. The ear-piercing cry of agony echoed throughout the sky, sending birds scattering from the treetops for miles around. At the same time, an invisible shockwave expanded from her that knocked everyone else off their feet.
Brawn recoiled in sudden pain when the shockwave hit him, his chest suddenly exploding and spewing black glitter everywhere. A massive hole had somehow been punched through his torso, big enough for a person to fit through. He stumbled, attempting to draw breath, but the plot hole that had been opened up within him had turned one of his lungs into nothingness.
Cupid downed the rest of his Bleeport straight from the bottle, and Sarah’s entire body turned slightly green. Never in their careers as untanglers had they seen something as horrible as this.
The angel’s vision started blurring around the edges, but as his memory turned foggy, he heard something else. The C-CAD was beeping louder than ever now. He knew then that in a few minutes’ time, the Stu would be the least of their worries.
In that moment, a plan formed in Cupid’s head. A drunken, crazy, stupid, next-to-suicidal plan, but a plan nonetheless.
“I almost feel sorry for you,” Matt managed to choke out. “I’ve braved worse than this! I’ve been melted to the bone and still survived! I can never be killed, especially not by a puny child! ”
Sarah flew down and hovered protectively over her female partner. The Super instantly tore a strip of clothing from her shirt, and used it to tie off the severed portion and prevent more blood loss.
She then picked up her sword and glared at the wounded Stu. “Maybe we can’t kill you,” she snarled. “But surely we can–”
“SURRENDER!” Cupid cried, as he and the minis rushed up and put themselves in between the girls and the Stu.
“WHAT?!” the female agents cried out, before Lapis winced in pain. Her arm stump continued leaking blood, and the others could see that she was already turning deathly pale.
“Trust me on this one,” he whispered to them. “For all we know, he’s already dead .”
The Stu looked at the agents in confusion. “Didn’t you hear me?” he growled. “I cannot die!”
“We know,” said Sarah, suddenly realizing what Cupid was talking about. “And we acknowledge your power. We too fight for the forces of justice, and we won’t bother you anymore since we know that you do the same.”
“But first,” said Cupid, “can we borrow your truck? My friends and I need to get this girl to a hospital immediately. ”
The girls stared at him in horror. But he gave them an apologetic look indicating that in the midst of all the chaos, there was no other choice.
Matt took one look at Lapis, and then nodded, picking up her trident and tossing it back to her. He turned back into his human form, summoned the Super Truck, and opened the door. “Can I drive?” he asked, before coughing more black glitter. The plot hole in his chest was still there.
“Sorry,” said Sarah, “but I’m taking this .”
She snatched the Stu’s keychain off of him and whisked Lapis into the back of the truck, while Cupid and the minis rushed into the driver’s seat. Before Matt could protest, they’d driven off at top speed.
“I’m gonna get Lapis to Medical!” Sarah cried over the engine noise. “I hope you know what you’re doing, Angel Face.”
“I don’t,” he laughed drunkenly before hiccuping again. Sarah shook her head, but she was still smiling as she opened up a portal to Medical. Within seconds, the girls were gone.
Cupid steered through the forest with surprising skill for a drunken teenager, managing not to plow face-first into a tree. It was only a few minutes before he passed the fleeing canons, braking just in time.
“M-Matt?!” cried Kagome.
Cupid rolled down the window and leaned out, his head lolling in his inebriated state. “Get in!” he slurred. “I don’t have time to (hic) explain, just welcome me aboard and call me Lonk from Pennsylvania!”
The canons stared at him in utter confusion, but a moment later, they heard a terrible crashing noise and saw the trees around them begin to sway like in a hurricane. In the midst of freaking out over her lost hand, Lapis had apparently generated more plot holes than the agents had thought. Many of them littered the ground, but some also pierced the sky, sucking the clouds in like giant vacuum cleaners. In the cab of the truck, the minis howled in terror and cowered under the driver’s seat.
The canons screamed in fear and instantly piled into the back of the truck. Once everyone was on board and buckled in, Cupid settled back into the driver’s seat, buckled up, and floored the gas pedal.
“How does this thing work, anyway?!” he moaned before hiccuping again. This was certainly not like any RA he’d ever operated, drunk or not.
Just then, there was a loud banging noise as something dented the roof of the truck. Matt had leaped onto the top of the vehicle, and he was now clambering towards the front, intending to rip Cupid out and toss him to his doom.
Worse, the truck was careening towards a plot hole that was already carving a huge, bottomless chasm into the ground just two hundred feet ahead.
Cupid decided to go for broke right then and there. He accelerated to maximum velocity, but the Stu still held on with his claws and chains, a spray of glitter flying behind him. They were heading off the edge of the cliff just ahead, straight towards the heart of the plot hole.
And if Cupid didn’t act fast, he’d end up paying a visit to the spleen in about ten seconds.
The Stu also saw the gaping abyss, and he concluded that if he kept holding onto the truck, he wouldn’t be able to escape. Just as it flew over the edge, he jumped off.
That was all the angel needed. He whipped out his RA before dialing a portal back to HQ, and an instant before it hit the plot hole, the Super Truck disappeared, canons, agent and all.
Matt swung his way back to solid ground, completely unscathed save for the hole in his chest. That he could regenerate in short order. But when he stood up and saw all the trees in the forest taking off like a flock of scared birds, he realized with a thrill of horror that it wouldn’t make a difference. He was trapped in a dying world, and his only way out had been stolen.
A few seconds later, he felt invisible forces begin to pull at him from many directions at once. His skeleton may have been indestructable, but his flesh and his joints were a different story. And he was powerless to escape his fate as Dimension 5 ripped itself apart.