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Heavy becomes a birb grandpa

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    Heavy had intended to get something done that day. Be it clean Sasha, make some back up sandwiches or get revenge on the irritating little Scout, he wanted to make use of the rare day off.

    “Misha! Misha! Misha!” Medic yelled, running towards him with his hands cupped around who knew what. He was never that excited unless he had done an unnecessary surgery or found some way to ‘fix’ a problem that existed in the human body to make them better fighters. Heavy really hoped he wasn’t supposed to be today’s test subject. “You will never guess what I have in my hands,” he said, holding them forwards. Heavy figured it was too small to be some of the bigger organs or another animal heart.

    “It is… Liver?”

    “Nein! It’s a baby!” he said, holding it close to his chest.

    “A what?” Heavy asked. Medic presented the tiny, ugly baby bird in his hands.

    “There have been eggs before but those awful raccoons Soldier keeps around have eaten them. This is the first baby I’ve seen,” he said. Medic gently petted its tiny head. The doves were nice, so long as they didn’t poop on him or on Sasha, but he had never expected their babies to be so ugly. It was a featherless little creature that sort of crawled. It looked like an uncooked chicken.

    “Is nice,” Heavy said.

    “We are Grosseltern,” he said, holding the bird close to his chest. Heavy was pretty sure he knew what that meant. Eltern was parents gross was tall… Grandparents? Oh no. “There might be even more of them! I’ve been looking but I can’t find any. I’m not tall enough to see the tops of the cabinets, which is where they’d have to be to avoid those non-military regulation raccoons!” he snapped, seeing Soldier and saying it loud enough for him to hear. Soldier had fought with Medic about having the doves in the first place, because they were against some rule Heavy was fairly sure he had made up.

    “Lieutenant Bites is a valued member of this team!” Soldier said back.

    “Leave it alone, lad,” Demo said. “Let’s get somethin’ to drink.” They left the room, probably to get something to drink, but Heavy was pretty sure Soldier would find a diversion and drag Demo along.

    “Will you help me look for the babies?”

    “Of course, Doktor,” Heavy said. He followed Medic back to the medbay and started to look around. There were a lot of adult doves and one raccoon, which tried to bite Heavy so he punched it. It hissed and ran away. He checked self after self, every little place that he could manage to look. Medic held tight to the one little bird, the mother bird landing on him and curling up next to her baby. Heavy felt around on top of a cabinet until he heard an unmistakable gurgling noise. He moved his hand further back and grabbed at the little creature as it squeaked. “I think I found one.” Medic gasped and ran up to him.

    “Really? I thought that raccoon would have eaten them all.”

    “Cannot grab. Is trying to bite.”

    “It’s just a baby Vogel, grab it,” Medic said. “His little bites can’t hurt you.”

    “I don’t want to squish little bird,” Heavy said. “Is running from me.”

    “Hmm. Can you lift me up there?” he asked.

    “Probably.” Medic found a scarf and wrapped the baby in it, trapping it in a little bird cage so that it couldn’t hurt itself and the raccoon couldn’t eat it. Heavy lifted Medic up, fairly easily.

    “Oh! I see him!” Medic said. “Come here little bird,” Medic said, stretching back behind the cabinet trying to grab it.

    “Doc! Doc!” Scout yelled, running in. “I need your help!”

    “What is wrong?” Medic asked, not moving from the cabinet.

    “I got a papercut.”

    “What do you want me to do? Kiss it better?” Medic mocked.

    “It really hurts,” Scout said. “Do you have like a bandaid or somethin’?”

    “It is a papercut, that is a waste of a bandaid.”    

    “But it hurts.

    “I don’t care. Go get someone else to fix your deathly papercut.” Scout mumbled something as he walked out, complaining, most likely. “Oh! Heavy I’ve caught him,” Medic said, “Bring me down, there’s no more up here.” Heavy lowered Medic and the tiny creature carefully, hoping not to drop them. Somehow this baby bird was even more ugly than its sibling. “It’s so cute,” he said. “I love it.” It was not cute. Not remotely.

    “Is very nice Doktor.”

    “Heavy, what’s wrong?”

    “Nothing is wrong-”

    “Lies!” Medic said, hitting him gently on the shoulder with a rolled up newspaper. “Something is wrong. Your face betrays you.”

    “Is just… little birds they are…”


    “They are little ugly.” Medic gasped and covered where Heavy guessed their ears were. “Can still love them- they are just ugly.”

    “You take that back!” Medic said.

    “Doktor look at little birds. Look like raw meat with marbles in head. They make awful noise. Doves are nice, their babies are just.. A little ugly. Will grow out of it.”

    “Grow out of..? They are not ugly now!”

    “They are small tiny bit ugly.”


    “Just a little,” Heavy said.

    “I can’t believe you’ve called our grandchildren ugly,” Medic said.

    “Are not children, are birds,” Heavy said. “But I love birds. They are just ugly.” Medic carried his tiny birds out of the room. “Doktor? Were are you going?”

    “Taking my precious grandchildren away from you, where they will not be mocked!”

    “Medic I am not mocking little birds- you asked what was wrong I tell you.” He didn’t seem to be listening. Heavy sighed and walked out of the room. Fine, Medic was like that sometimes, and he needed space. He would cool down.


    Medic did not calm down. He continued to almost avoid Heavy, in favor of carrying about his tiny birds. Medic was fussing over them more than their mother. Heavy sighed and sat down at the table.

    “Somethin’ botherin’ you?” asked Engineer.

    “Is nothing.”

    “That’s a lie. You’re not very good at lyin’, you know that?”

    “Fine. Is Doktor and his little birds. He will not talk to me because I called ugly birds ugly after he asked what it was I was thinking about.”

    “You called his doves ugly?” asked Engineer.

    “No, just the baby birds. They are ugly because they have no feathers and big eyes. Are ugly.”

    “I don’t think he’d be that mad about just callin’ them ugly- though that surely didn’t make him happy… Did you say anything else?” Heavy thought about it for a moment.

    “Oh no.”


    “Said that baby birds are not my grandchildren.”

    “What does that matter?” Engineer asked, more quizzically than sarcastically.

    “Doktor sees birds as his children. I have disowned our bird children.”

    “Oooh, that’d do it. Well.. You gotta find a way to convince him you love your ugly bird grandchildren…. Undisown them sorta.”

    “How do that?”

    “I.. don’t know… Ask Spy, I have a feelin’ Scout ain’t the first child he’s left.”

    “Spy!” Heavy yelled, entering his room abruptly and scaring the other. “How do you fix disown child?”

    “What do you want you blundering idiot?” hissed Spy.

    “I want to know how to fix disowning your children accidentally.”

    “One, I always hoped you would never reproduce. Two, how do you accidentally disown a child?”

    “I did not have child- is bird grandchild. I accidentally disowned them by calling them birds and Doktor is mad at me.”

    “You people are insane.. Fine, I will help you.”


    “That mad man will be so upset that you disowned his birds he won’t heal anyone for a month. I would prefer not to die.”

    “Thank you Spy.”

    “So.. How did you disown your avian grandchildren?” asked Spy, lighting a cigarette.

    “I call them birds and say they are not children.”

    “Hmm… That is bad,” Spy said.

    “I must fix.”

    “What parental skills do you possess?” asked Spy.

    “Can punch bear.”

    “No. I… Alright I will try it this way, what motherly skills do you possess?”

    “Punch bear.”

    “No,” Spy said, rubbing his forehead. “Alright… What other skills do you have? That are not punching animals.”


    “Can you cook?”

    “Can cook bear.”

    “We don’t have bears! There are no bears! Say one more thing about a bear and I will slap you!.. Can you cook anything else?”


    “Can you… I don’t know, can you sow?”

    “Da, can sow.”

    “Magnificent. Can you knit?”


    “Good. You can knit the pudgy naked creatures little sweaters. Medic will be thrilled to death with your fathering skills of the little birds, you don’t have to look at their ugly little bodies, and we can get healed.”

    “That requires getting small birds away from Doktor.”

    “I can do that,” Spy said. “Just wait here.”

    It was fairly late at night when Spy got back, proudly holding the tiny birds in his hands. They cried and wriggled. Spy showing up so late had given him plenty of time to make the tiny bird sweaters. He compared them to the wiggling creatures and put his hand to them, letting them crawl to him. They went to his chest, searching for warmth. He put the tiny sweaters on them. Heavy smiled at them. They were sort of cute.

    “Thank you Spy,” Heavy said.

    “Never mention it.”  Heavy walked to the medbay door with the birds in his chest. He knocked on the door once he realized it was locked. It wasn’t answered. He sighed. The birds would have to sleep with him. He made them a nest from a scarf.


    He was abruptly woken up by Soldier yelling something. He got up slowly, stretching his back. He got up gradually, checking on the birds. They slept happily on his scarf. He found a little box, punched some holes in it, and but them in to protect them from Soldier’s raccoons. He walked out and looked around. For whatever reason, Demo, Soldier, Pyro, and Scout were panicking. Sniper got his coffee and walked out. Spy was glaring at them. Engineer looked very disappointed.

    “What has happened?” asked Heavy.

    “I got paper cuts all over my hands!” Scout yelled, laying on the floor.

    “Mph mphfr mphhrf pmmrphf!”

    “Me bleedin’ liver is failing on me again!” Demo yelled. “And if it goes i’ll hafta stop drinking!”

    “The Nazi bastard has taken Lieutenant Bites hostage!” Soldier screeched.

    “Only Pyro has point. Why is this happening?” asked Heavy.

    “Soldier’s raccoons ate Medic’s baby doves and now he’s pissed off and won’t come out of the medbay,” Sniper explained as he left, coming back in for his sugar.

    “But doves are not dead.”

    “Well give him his damn birds!” snapped Demo. “Before I die!”

    “Before he murders my raccoons!”

    “Before I bleed out,” added Scout, weakly.

    “Mphr mphfr mphrfr mphrfr!” Pyro begged. Heavy went to his room and picked up the tiny birds. He knocked on the door of the medbay.

    “Open up you Kraut bastard!” snarled Soldier. “We have your birds and if you don’t surrender now I’ll eat them!”

    “Shut up stupid little man,” Heavy said, pushing him away. “Doktor? I have babies,” said Heavy.

    “Don’t lie to me, Misha,” he sniffled from the other side of the door. “I will cut open this massive rat and take them out of it!” he snapped.

    “No!” cried Soldier.

    “Doktor no!” Heavy yelled. “I had Spy take little birds.”

    “I said never mention that,” Spy said, angrily.

    “You.. You had my babies kidnapped!?” snapped Medic, opening the door. He looked bad, eyes red and puffy, likely from mourning the birds.

    “Was not kidnapped!”

    “You stole them! You had him steal my babies from me and nearly got Soldier’s rat killed,” he hissed, throwing the raccoon. Soldier dived to catch his raccoon, holding him close.

    “Nyet! Well.. Da, technically but was not plan. Did not want little birds or Doktor hurt.”

    “Hurry, Chucklenuts! Kiss and make up before I die,” Scout called.

    “Why did you steal my babies?” Medic said.

    “I wanted to make up for accidentally disowning grandchildren birds. I was sad and I wanted sandwich so I went to kitchen and Engineer was there and asked about it and told me I should talk to Spy because he is good at abandoning children-”

    “You said what?” Spy demanded from Engineer.

    “I did not say it like that.”

    “So I talk to Spy and Spy asks me what I can do to be good parent to birds and I say punch bear but Spy says no to bear and asks more questions. I tell him I can sow and knit so he says we take birds and I make bird sweaters.”

    “Are you done yammerin’ yet?” called Demo. “My liver’s already goin’ I can feel it!”

    “You made them little sweaters?” Medic asked. Heavy presented Medic with the tiny birds. Medic held them close to his chest. “Was this so you didn’t have to look at my ugly birds?” he glared.

    “Nyet! Made sweaters for birds. They have no feathers yet and need warmth. Little sweaters keep our grandchildren birds happy and warm.” Medic wiped his eyes on his sleeve and walked to Heavy, hugging him close.

    “Thank you, mein Kuschelbar,” he said, pressing his forehead to Heavy’s chest. “I’m sorry that I was being stupid, but I just…”

    “Am sorry also,” Heavy said. “Should not have said mean things about birds.”

    “Well I asked what was wrong,” said Medic.

    “Alright you two are better now help!” Demo cried.

    “Alright, alright, I must help them, can you take care of the babies? Soldier’s evil rat is still lurking around here somewhere.”

    “Da, can watch birds.” Medic kissed him on the cheek as he handed the birds back.