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Today is really not my day (wait actually yes it is)

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[MochiOfDoom added Taebae, UnknownKorean1, UnknownKorean2, UnknownKorean3, UnknownKorean4, and UnknownKorean5 to chat: HI FRIENDS]

 

MochiOfDoom:

hello motherfuckers

 

UnknownKorean3:

wtf

 

UnknownKorean3:

who even are you

 

UnknownKorean4:

how do you know we're all Korean?

 

MochiOfDoom:

because of your phone numbers, duh

 

Taebae:

yeah we pICKED KOREAN PHONE NUMBERS TO ADD TO THE CHAT

 

UnknownKorean5:

uh hi

 

Taebae: 

hi!!!

 

UnknownKorean3: 

so can someone tell us wtf is going on

 

UnknownKorean5:

yes please do 

otherwise I will find you and shove a breadstick up your ass

 

MochiOfDoom: 

how do u know i wouldn't like that??

 

[UnknownKorean1 changed their name to Kooking By The Book]

 

MochiOfDoom:

wait u can put spaces in ur name

 

Kooking By The Book:

...yes?

 

UnknownKorean4:

uh pardon the interruption but 

1) that's not how you spell cooking

2) what the fuck is this

 

MochiOfDoom:

tae and i got bored and decided to add random people to a group chat so we could make some friends uwu

 

UnknownKorean3: 

don't fucking uwu me

 

UnknownKorean2:

okay who even are you people

 

[UnknownKorean2 changed their name to A hoe]

 

UnknownKorean4: 

if you're trying to spell whore you're doing it wrong

it's actually ho

a hoe is a garden tool

 

UnknownKorean5:

stfu it doesn't matter

stop fucking correcting ppl

 

UnknownKorean4:

WHOA CALM YOUR TITS

 

Taebae:

HAKUNA YOUR TATAS

 

[UnknownKorean4 changed UnknownKorean5's name to Grammar Nazi Resistance Force]

 

Taebae:

I just spit out my wine

 

A hoe:

you're drinking wine? ooo so classy

 

MochiOfDoom:

don't be fooled he's drinking grape juice

my boi doesn't like alcohol uwu

 

A hoe:

well wine is just alcoholic grape juice so it doesn't matter

 

Grammar Nazi Resistance Force:

actually no you have to ferment wine

 

A hoe:

oh cool

you learn smth new every day

 

Kooking By The Book:

ironically GNRF is the one correcting someone

btw will you actually shove a breadstick up anyone's ass

 

Grammar Nazi Resistance Force:

yes

 

Kooking By The Book:

where will you get the breadstick

 

Grammar Nazi Resistance Force:

BITCH I WORK AT OLIVE GARDEN

 

Kooking By The Book:

guys we better befriend this person so we can get free breadsticks

 

Grammar Nazi Resistance Force:

NO

the free breadsticks are MINE

 

MochiOfDoom:

we still have a couple people who need to change their names uwu

 

[UnknownKorean3 changed their name to STOP UWU-ING]

 

[Taebae changed UnknownKorean4's name to Grammar Nazi]

 

Grammar Nazi:

please don't affiliate me with the Nazis

 

[Taebae changed Grammar Nazi's name to Cheddar]

 

Cheddar:

why?

 

Taebae: 

because Jimin is eating cheddar cheese 

 

Grammar Nazi Resistance Force:

wait who tf is Jimin

 

MochiOfDoom:

hi

anyway the first step of befriending people is figuring out WHO THE FUCK THEY ACTUALLY ARE

btw my name is park jimin and i go to seoul national university

 

A hoe:

what a coincidence me too

 

MochiOfDoom:

so ur also park jimin

i know jimin is a sort of common name but damn

 

A hoe: 

no I'm Jung Hoseok but yes I go to SNU

 

Grammar Nazi Resistance Force:

hi I'm Jin and I like pink sprinkles

 

Taebae:

okay so

Hoseok = goes to SNU, chill, is a hoe

Jin = likes pink sprinkles, has no chill whatsoever, gets mad when people correct each other and then corrects people themselves

Jimin = very short, small hands, bottom af no matter what he says, adorable bby, smol, I think he likes me, found a butterfly in his underwear once and is scared of them because of it, once tried to microwave some marshmallows, my bff, my roommate, cuddly, cried when he watched Titanic, has a really nice ass, probably masturbates to Gordon Ramsay

Taehyung = me, super awesome, wears Gucci, is a slut for hot chocolate

 

MochiOfDoom:

TAEHYUNG WHY ARE YOU EXPOSING ME LIKE THAT

I DO NOT MASTURBATE TO GORDON RAMSAY

WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD DO THAT

 

Taebae:

Jimin I have known you since we were nine years old and I think I know you well enough to say that masturbating to Gordon Ramsay is something you would do

also I lowkey feel like Jin would do that too

 

Grammar Nazi Resistance Force:

BITCH W HAT THE FUCK

 

STOP UWU-ING:

uh can we change the topic?

anyway my name's Yoongo Away 

I like rapping and photography and also my dog

 

Cheddar:

I also like rapping 

 

Grammar Nazi Resistance Force:

is that a pun I smell

 

STOP UWU-ING:

yes

 

Grammar Nazi Resistance Force:

ah, I see that you too are cultured

 

STOP UWU-ING:

in all seriousness my name is Yoongi and I also go to SNU

 

Cheddar: 

so do I and my name's Namjoon

 

Kooking By The Book:

I'm Jungkook and guess where I go to school

 

A hoe: 

so since most of us go to Seoul National I think it's time for

SELCAS

also Jimin if you ever think crying over Titanic is a bad thing just remember that I once cried over High School Musical

 

Kooking By The Book:

how the fuck...?

 

A hoe:

in my defense I was drunk

anyway IT'S SELCA TIME

 

STOP UWU-ING:

you're adorable what the fuck

seriously that was not what I was expecting hOLY SHIT

anyway I guess if I've been blessed by such beauty I'll have to show my face too

there ya go

 

A hoe:

HOLY SHIT YOU'RE SO FUCKING CUTE AND WE GO TO THE SAME SCHOOL OMG HOW HAVE WE NEVER MET BEFORE

YOU ARE NOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE BIG AND TOUGH AND SCARY BUT YOU LOOK LIKE A MARSHMALLOW

 

Cheddar: 

hey I know you

you're in a couple of my music classes

 

STOP UWU-ING:

I'm in a lot of people's music classes

which one are you

 

Cheddar:

this one

it took forever to get the perfect shot

 

Grammar Nazi Resistance Force:

SO 

AESTHETIC

YOUR FACE IS LITERALLY AN ENTIRE AESTHETIC

AND YOUR HAIR !!

IS PINK !!

HOLY SHIT I AM BEDAZZLED

 

[Kooking By The Book changed Grammar Nazi Resistance Force's name to 0% CHILL]

 

Kooking By The Book:

okay my turn

 

STOP UWU-ING:

do yall just style your hair every single day for no apparent reason

 

A hoe:

yes

 

Taebae: 

no I woke up like this ;)

 

0% CHILL:

both of your hands are clearly occupied so how did you take that picture

 

MochiOfDoom:

i took it for him

 

0% CHILL:

it's not really a selca then is it?

 

STOP UWU-ING:

fucking Jin is so damn critical smh

 

MochiOfDoom:

yeah but who cares because IT'S CHIMCHIM TIME

 

STOP UWU-ING:

so do you two just wear earrings around your house

 

MochiOfDoom:

1) we live in an apartment

2) yes

 

Kooking By The Book:

I came out to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now

 

MochiOfDoom:

that's how i felt when i saw your picture

 

Taebae:

HOLY SHIT I KNOW U!!!!1!!11

 

MochiOfDoom:

shut up

 

Taebae:

make me

anyway JIN IT'S YOUR TURN

 

Taebae:

JIN SELCA JIN SELCA JIN SELCA GO GO GO

 

0% CHILL:

but you'll all die from handsomeness overload

 

A hoe:

JIN SELCA JIN SELCA JIN SELCA GO GO GO

 

Kooking By The Book:

JIN SELCA JIN SELCA JIN SELCA GO GO GO

 

0% CHILL:

and you say I have no chill -.-

 

A hoe:

POST!

A!

SELCA!

JIN!

 

0% CHILL:

are you sure? you might die

also my hair is a mess right now

but seriously I'm so attractive you could drop dead just by looking at me

 

Cheddar:

yes do it 

you can't possibly be THAT good-looking

 

0% CHILL:

oh but I am

I told you my hair was a mess

just got out of the shower though so it makes sense

 

Cheddar:

HOLY SHIT

OH MY GOD

OH MY FUCKING GOD

WHEN I SAID YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE SO GOOD-LOOKING YOU COULD KILL PEOPLE I WAS WRONG OH MY GOD HOLY SHIT

PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME WE GO TO THE SAME SCHOOL

 

0% CHILL:

...we do

 

Cheddar: 

HOLY SHIIIT

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE GAY

 

0% CHILL:

I'm not about to go spouting my sexuality to strangers in a group chat

 

STOP UWU-ING:

but you're willing to tell us what school you go to?

 

MochiOfDoom:

i think that's his way of saying that he is indeed gay

if he was straight he would have no qualms about telling us

 

Cheddar:

there are actually sexualities other than gay and straight

 

A hoe:

yeah I mean I'm pansexual

 

STOP UWU-ING:

I'm bi

 

Taebae: 

I'm an omnisexual demiromantic trigender unicornkin

 

MochiOfDoom:

he's gay 

 

MochiOfDoom:

so am i and i'm also into threesomes fight me

 

Taebae:

wait really? that's like the one thing I didn't know abt you

also me too

 

Kooking By The Book:

if you two need a third person 

uh

feel free to ask me or smth

 

A hoe:

he's all flustered lmao

 

STOP UWU-ING: 

moving on

 

[STOP UWU-ING changed 0% CHILL's name to probably gay]

 

probably gay:

please stop assuming my sexuality

 

Taebae:

so what does everyone like to do?

 

Cheddar:

rapping, producing music, listening to music, reading, relaxing, homework, stuff like that

 

probably gay:

you LIKE doing homework?!

 

Cheddar:

not the actual doing homework part. it's just that when I do homework I get good grades and that makes my parents happy which in turn makes me happy so doing homework indirectly makes me happy

 

probably gay:

oh my god you're a fucking angel

 

probably gay:

also I like acting, singing, cooking, and playing with my sugar gliders

 

MochiOfDoom:

oh you have sugar gliders??

what are their names?

 

probably gay:

Eomuk and Odeng

 

Kooking By The Book:

you... you named your sugar gliders after food

 

probably gay:

yeah, you got a problem with that?

 

Kooking By The Book:

so do you like food?

 

A hoe: 

I mean he said he likes cooking so yeah he probably does

 

probably gay:

yeah

 

Cheddar:

how do you stay so thin then? you looked like a fucking stick figure in the picture

 

Taebae:

actually his cheeks looked kinda chubby in that picture

still cute though

 

Cheddar:

yes but DID YOU SEE HIS ARMS

AND HIS BODY SEEMED REALLY SLIM EVEN IN THE BATHROBE

 

Taebae:

true

also I feel like Jin is around the same height as Jimin

anyway I like playing Overwatch, being weird, Pokemon Go, sleeping, and cuddling with Jimin and Yeontan

 

STOP UWU-ING:

who's Yeontan?

 

Taebae:

that is Yeontan

 

A hoe:

OMG IT'S SO ADORABLE I WANT TO HUG IT

 

STOP UWU-ING:

is it wrong to be feeling slightly jealous right now

 

MochiOfDoom:

i always feel slightly jealous when tae gives yeontan more attention than me

 

Taebae:

I'm like 98% sure Jimin has a praise kink

 

MochiOfDoom:

TAEHYUNG I WILL STRANGLE YOU

 

Cheddar:

so I was thinking maybe we could meet up in person

maybe get some ice cream or something

 

Taebae:

YES LET'S FUCKING DO IT

Chapter Text

[Yoongi added Taehyung, Jimin, Hoseok, Namjoon, and Jungkook to chat: EXPOSE JIN]

 

Yoongi:

Jin left so many questions unanswered

for example: what's his real name? what's his sexuality? how important are pink sprinkles to him? why would he shove a breadstick up someone's ass when he could just eat the breadstick?

 

Namjoon:

how is he so attractive even when his hair is all messy?

 

Jimin:

where did he get such a fluffy bathrobe?

 

Jungkook:

okay so his name probably includes "Jin" somewhere

 

Hoseok:

that's not helpful, we don't know which part of his name it is and what the other parts are

 

Taehyung:

maybe his name is Jin Jinjin

 

Yoongi:

holy shit that's actually a feasible name to give your child

idk why you would do it but like

that's still an actually possible Korean name

 

Hoseok:

maybe my sister knows him

she also goes to SNU

 

[Hoseok added Noona to chat: EXPOSE JIN]

 

Noona:

oh?

 

Namjoon:

do you know this guy?

 

Jungkook:

did... did you actually save his selca

 

Namjoon:

uh

 

Jimin:

#EXPOSED

 

Taehyung:

well, at least we exposed SOMEONE

 

Noona:

wait 

is that seokjung's little brother

 

Yoongi:

maybe? he only introduced himself as Jin

 

Noona:

hang on lemme ask

 

[chat: the squad]

 

Ji uwu:

hey seokjung

is this your brother

 

Kim Nopejung:

yes

where the fuck did you get that picture

 

Supreme Boi:

oh damn he's cute

 

Kim Nopejung:

1) how have you guys not met my brother before

2) wHERE DID YOU GET THE PICTURE

 

Ji uwu:

one of hoseok's friends sent it to me

hobi added me to a group chat where they were trying to figure out who this is

 

Kim Nopejung:

are you sure they weren't holding him hostage and forcing him to take a selca?

because kim seokjin taking a selca with messy hair and a bathrobe and no makeup is literally unheard of

 

Supreme Boi:

he wears makeup?

 

Kim Nopejung:

yes he does fIGHT ME

 

Supreme Boi:

as a guy who has occasionally worn makeup I would like to say that you implied that he always wears makeup and in this society a guy who has the balls to do that deserves the utmost respect

 

Brosang:

yo what did I miss

WAIT WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A PICTURE OF MY EX

 

Kim Nopejung:

you guys dated?

 

Brosang:

for a while, yeah

and then I told him that he was actually just a close friend to me and I was only pretending to love him to make him happy

I felt really bad for breaking his heart like that. poor guy just wanted someone to love him

 

Kim Nopejung:

i can't believe you were that guy he was crying about for months

one of my closest friends

 

Brosang:

I'm sorry

I didn't deserve him anyway

 

Ji uwu:

well, it's all in the past

forgive and forget

 

Kim Nopejung:

yep

 

Ji uwu:

anyway gtg

hoseok is waiting for answers

 

[chat: EXPOSE JIN]

 

Noona:

yes he's seokjung's little brother and his name is kim seokjin

 

Yoongi:

did you learn anything else?

 

Noona:

yeah

-he wears makeup

-he dated my friend hyosang for a while but hyosang was only in it to make seokjin happy

-he apparently cried over hyosang for months

 

Namjoon:

is Hyosang a guy?

 

Noona:

yes

 

Namjoon:

YES JIN IS PROBABLY GAY

 

Jimin:

HE HAS BEEN

#EXPOSED

 

Taehyung:

mission completion!

 

Jimin:

now to expose tae because he exposed me

he watches kid shows and also hentai

 

Taehyung:

I'm not gonna deny that

but remember that Park Jimin probably masturbates to Gordon Ramsay

 

Jimin:

KIM TAEHYUNG I WILL FUCKING STAB YOU WITH THIS CRACKER

 

Noona:

what is happening

 

Namjoon:

no idea

 

[chat: HI FRIENDS]

 

[MochiOfDoom changed probably gay's name to Probably Gay Kim Seokjin Wears Makeup And Cried Over Hyosang]

 

[Probably Gay Kim Seokjin Wears Makeup And Cried Over Hyosang changed their name to STOP]

 

STOP:

how did you guys even find out

 

A hoe:

my sister is friends with your brother and your ex

they told her everything and then she told us

 

STOP:

wHAT THE FUCK

Chapter Text

[chat: big seok and lil seok]

 

lil seok:

HYUNG

 

big seok:

yeah?

 

lil seok:

you

EXPOSED ME

 

big seok:

you shouldn't have posted a selca then

 

big seok:

as your hyung it is my duty to embarrass you

 

lil seok:

SEOKJUNG

THEY KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ME NOW

 

big seok:

a comprehensive list of things some people in a group chat probably do not know about kim seokjin

-seokjin is a slut for mario

-seokjin has crooked fingers

-seokjin has dyed his hair exactly nine times since graduating high school

-seokjin has 60cm shoulders

-seokjin doesn't actually hate his older brother

-seokjin works at olive garden

-seokjin has a habit of stealing breadsticks from olive garden

-seokjin currently has brown hair that almost looks black when wet

-seokjin has cried over at least four breakups since graduating high school

-seokjin likes coffee

-seokjin tried to charm a man into giving him a free ferrari at age five

-seokjin went through a phase in which he pretended to be a bird at age six

-seokjin's bird phase ended when he jumped off a jungle gym and broke his leg

-seokjin once took notes in chinese just to piss off a teacher

-seokjin slapped me in the face one time when we were little and then he wondered why he was grounded

 

lil seok:

SEOKJUNG I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU SHARE THAT INFORMATION

also

1) they already know where I work

2) if you find them and mention my fingers I will snap your diddly darn neck

3) yes I actually do hate you

good day

 

[chat: the squad]

 

Kim Nopejung:

hey

jiwoo

dawon

whatever your name is today

 

Ji uwu:

yes??

 

Kim Nopejung:

i have some things for you to pass on to my brother's group chat friends

 

Ji uwu:

okay

 

Kim Nopejung:

 

(fun fact: these two were taken at an amusement park. i took them while we were standing in the ticket line haha)

 

Ji uwu:

that last thing is larger than the chat itself

 

Brosang:

chubby unicorn Seokjin is my aesthetic 

 

Brosang:

he was hella thin when we started dating though

 

Kim Nopejung:

yeah he went on an absolutely insane diet around that time

i tried telling him he wasn't that chubby and that he looked great but he wasn't having it

i finally convinced him to work out instead during his sophomore year

 

Brosang:

so like right around the time we broke up

 

Kim Nopejung:

yes

anyway

there you go

 

[chat: HI FRIENDS]

 

Kooking By The Book:

yo Jin 

 

STOP

???

 

Kooking By The Book:

Hoseok's sister sent us some pictures

apparently your brother wanted her to show them to us

 

STOP:

oh no

 

Kooking By The Book:

here are some of my favorites

 

Cheddar:

honestly I'm so fucking in love with the way he has his hands positioned in some of these pictures

aND HIS SHOULDERS OH MY GOD

AND ALSO HIS CHEEKS ARE SO CUTE

AND THE GLASSES AHSNWJAMQOAMSNGS I AM DECEASED

 

Taebae:

he seems so smol

I bet he's the same height as Jimin

 

STOP:

is Jimin 179 cm tall?

 

Taebae:

...no he's 173 cm

I guess you're taller

I'm the same height as you though

 

MochiOfDoom:

yeah i'm hella short

 

Taebae:

but also hella thicc

 

MochiOfDoom:

true dat

can we post more selcas? that was so fun

 

STOP:

only if you guys promise not to expose me any more

 

STOP UWU-ING:

we have all the info we want, don't worry your lil butt

and since it's been about an hour 

sure we can post more selcas

 

STOP UWU-ING:

I got dressed and went outside for this yall better appreciate it

 

A hoe:

OH MY GOD

SO

P R E C I O U S

 

[A hoe changed STOP UWU-ING's name to Adorable bby]

 

Adorable bby:

thanks?

 

A hoe:

I made it square and low-ish quality so we can match 

 

Cheddar:

here

I took a video instead

 

STOP:

YOUR HAIR

 

MochiOfDoom:

looks like cotton candy

anyway 

 

Kooking By The Book:

who are those other people?

 

MochiOfDoom

those are my dance buddies

u jealous? ;)

 

Adorable bby: 

why are we so fixated on uploading selcas? like we've literally only known each other for an hour

 

MochiOfDoom:

ur just jealous

 

Adorable bby:

no I'm not

 

Taebae:

he's jealous of me, not you ;)

actually took this one myself lmao

 

MochiOfDoom

the guy in the back is me, btw

tae came to my dance class with me and gave me flowers as a joke

one of my dance buddies told me to try on his hoodie because he thought it would look good on me 

it looks amazing uwu

 

Kooking By The Book:

GUYS

 

I took off my sweatshirt 

 

STOP:

and I got dressed and went to class :)

 

Cheddar:

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

 

Taebae:

how are you bending your thumb like that

 

STOP:

fuck off

 

Adorable bby:

talk about mood swings

 

[Adorable bby changed STOP's name to Emotional Jinstability]

 

Emotional Jinstability:

1) shut the fuck up

2) nice joke tbh

 

Taebae:

HELP

I JUST DISLOCATED MY MOTHERFUCKING THUMB 

I WAS ATTEMPTING TO BEND IT LIKE JIN'S AND NOW

OW

 

A hoe:

how are you still typing then?

 

Taebae:

IT ONLY TAKES ONE HAND TO TYPE

MY THUMBS ARE POWERFUL

 

MochiOfDoom:

okay hang on i'll help u

 

Kooking By The Book:

Jin actually does seem prone to mood swings

like when the chat was first created he went from threatening to shove breadsticks up our asses and being salty at Namjoon

TO KINDLY INFORMING US THAT HE LIKES PINK SPRINKLES

and then he was like "I'm really handsome" and then "my hair is a mess rip" and back again

 

Cheddar:

he seems insecure to me

like he gets all defensive and/or tries to divert our attention or stop talking sometimes

like when we were first taking selcas he seemed like he wanted to tell us how awesome he is but also didn't think he looked ok

and just now he was clearly acting defensive

so like

I think Yoongi and Jungkook are right that he seems prone to mood swings but it seems like those mood swings are caused by insecurity

 

Emotional Jinstability:

can you guys stop trying to analyze my personality

I'm right here

 

MochiOfDoom:

okay

next order of business:

we were gonna get ice cream together

but when and where

Chapter Text

[chat: HI FRIENDS]

 

Kooking By The Book:

I was thinking our ice cream date would be tomorrow after class

 

Adorable bby:

not everyone has class at the same time

like I have all my classes in the evening because I am the literal polar opposite of a morning person

 

Emotional Jinstability:

mine are all in the morning and the middle of the day and then I have rehearsal in the evening

 

MochiOfDoom:

rehearsal for what?

 

Emotional Jinstability:

my acting classmates and I are putting on a play near the end of the year :)

you'll hear about it once it gets a bit closer

 

Kooking By The Book:

what's it about?

 

Emotional Jinstability:

it's an adaptation of the Five Nights At Freddy's storyline lmao

we knew we were gonna do a play based on a video game but we weren't sure which one so we took a vote

I, of course, wanted it to be a Mario play but alas, that was not to be. it was either Undertale or FNAF and FNAF won by one point

 

Kooking By The Book:

you should have suggested Overwatch

 

Emotional Jinstability:

Overwatch had two votes

 

Kooking By The Book:

so what part do you play?

 

Emotional Jinstability:

I'm the purple guy

 

MochiOfDoom:

guys this is about the ice cream date not jin's play

 

A hoe:

okay

maybe on saturday? i mean, that's only three days away

 

Adorable bby:

yeah saturday works

 

Kooking By The Book:

okay

 

Cheddar:

yeah

let's do saturday

 

MochiOfDoom:

saturday 3pm at the baskin robbins down the street from campus

 

Emotional Jinstability:

okay got it

 

Taebae:

YES

AM

EXCITED AF

 

Kooking By The Book:

oh would you look at that

Hoseok's sister is passing on another photo of Jin and she also added one of Hoseok

 

A hoe:

oh?

 

Kooking By The Book:

Hoseok as a smol child

 

 

A hoe:

of course she picked the absolute best one

my sister knows me so well

seriously that's my favorite childhood photo

 

Emotional Jinstability:

hopefully Jungkook was lying when he said my brother wanted us to see yet another nonconsensual picture of me 

 

Kooking By The Book:

nope here it is

it's way more flattering than the other ones

apparently the original caption or whatever was "yo jiwoo here's a picture of seokjin being happy after a play last year please send it to his group chat friends"

 

Emotional Jinstability:

oh god no

no no no

 

Cheddar:

oh my god

YOUR FINGERS <3

 

Emotional Jinstability:

DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE MENTION MY FINGERS

 

Cheddar:

Jin

 

[Emotional Jinstability left the chat]

 

Cheddar:

Jin no

come back

 

Cheddar:

I just wanted to tell him how pretty they are ;-;

 

Taebae:

damn I wish I could bend my fingers like that

 

MochiOfDoom:

you dislocated your thumb last time you tried to imitate him don't you fucking dare try it again

anyway

 

[MochiOfDoom added Emotional Jinstability to the chat]

 

Emotional Jinstability:

LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE

 

[Emotional Jinstability left the chat]

 

A hoe:

geez

 

MochiOfDoom:

we need to find him

 

MochiOfDoom:

meet me in front of the performing arts building in ten minutes

 

[chat: big seok and lil seok]

 

lil seok:

KIM SEOKJUNG I FUCKING HATE YOU

 

big seok:

are you crying?

 

lil seok:

YES

how did you know

 

big seok:

i can't imagine you screaming that you hate me in all caps without also imagining tears streaming down your face

anyway what happened

who do i need to fight

 

lil seok:

YOU NEED TO FIGHT YOURSELF

YOU DID THIS

 

big seok:

what did i do?

 

lil seok:

you sent them a picture of me aND NOW THEY KNOW WHAT MY FINGERS LOOK LIKE AND I THINK THEY HATE ME NOW

 

big seok:

...why would they hate you?

 

lil seok:

BECAUSE OF MY FINGERS

 

big seok:

jin no

your fingers are fine

really 

it's just a swan neck deformity

 

lil seok:

THE KEY WORD THERE IS DEFORMITY

 

big seok:

i mean i was pretty sure the key word is swan but okay

seriously they probably don't hate you

 

big seok:

anyone who hates you because of smth like that doesn't deserve to be your friend

 

lil seok:

but I wanted to be their friend ;-;

 

big seok:

hang on

 

[chat: the squad]

 

Kim Nopejung:

jiwoo

please add me to that chat where you were talking to my brother's group chat friends

this is urgent

 

Ji uwu:

okay

 

[chat: EXPOSE JIN]

 

Yoongi:

okay we need to figure out where Jin is

to do that we need more information about him

 

Namjoon:

what we have that might lead to his location:

-he said he went to class and that his classes are in the morning and the middle of the day, so he probably has class rn

-he said he was in a play and likes acting so maybe he's in the performing arts building

-he also mentioned that he likes singing, which is also performing arts

-he probably wouldn't be getting all upset in the middle of class though, so maybe he's hiding somewhere else

-he also said that he likes cooking and food

 

[Noona added SJung to chat: EXPOSE JIN]

 

SJung:

so are you guys my brother's group chat friends

 

Hoseok:

yeah

he turned on caps lock and then left the chat though

 

SJung:

yeah he was super pissed off at me for sending you guys a picture

it was a cute picture though

 

SJung:

did anyone say anything about his fingers?

 

Namjoon:

yeah

I mentioned them (in a positive way) and then he just snapped and got mad and left the chat

 

SJung:

okay so if he's being all defensive we probably won't get answers out of him (you guys are looking for him, right?)

he's not an asshole, btw

he just gets defensive when people talk about his fingers

 

Namjoon:

I honestly thought they were pretty

 

SJung:

you're not the first one who thinks that but he's still super insecure 

 

Taehyung:

do people make fun of him?

 

SJung:

it's not really that blatant anymore but he still sometimes gets a few insults here and there :(

that was why i almost didn't get accepted to snu

 

Yoongi:

uh

what does that have to do with anything?

 

SJung:

when we were younger other kids would always make fun of his fingers and he would tell me and i would go confront them and more often than not i ended up beating people up so i got suspended a bunch

 

SJung:

eventually they learned that if you insult kim seokjin's fingers his hyung will fight your ass and probably win

 

Jimin:

reminds me of how tae and i moved to seoul in high school and people made fun of my busan accent and then taehyung showed up with his daegu shit (after not being around all day because we didn't have any classes together ;-;) and told everyone to fuck off

 

Taehyung:

yep :P

 

Yoongi:

that's nice but this is about Jin

read the name of the chat

 

[Taehyung renamed the chat EXPOSE JIN AND WORSHIP TAEHYUNG]

 

Namjoon:

so where do you guys think we should look?

 

SJung:

to find jin? he has his advanced acting or whatever class rn so he's probably in the performing arts building

but if he's upset you can bet your ass he left class and is hiding

 

SJung:

i doubt he would have left the building though

beliebe me

 

Jungkook:

oh?

"beliebe"

are you a Belieber?

 

SJung:

no that was a typo

 

Jungkook:

darn

 

Jimin:

anyway meet taehyung and i in front of the performing arts building and then we can go off to find jin

 

SJung:

i really want to go with you guys

maybe punch myself in the face in front of jin? idk

but i'm sick so i have to stay in my apartment rip

my girlfriend is taking care of me though so it's all good

 

Noona: 

i have class. this is your battle

 

SJung:

so dramatic

you sound like seokjin

 

Jimin:

guys come on

 

Taehyung:

ya boi is waiting

 

[irl]

 

"I am Park motherfucking Jimin," the short black-haired boy was saying as he paced back and forth in front of his orange-haired friend. "I am ready to take on the challenge of finding Kim Seokjin."

"That's the spirit," Taehyung said. "Oh, look, is that Hoseok?"

"If you're talking about the guy with the bright red hair and the spring in his step who happens to be walking toward us then yes, I believe that is Hoseok. Oh my god, we get to meet each other in real life! I'm so excited!"

"I know, right?" Taehyung agreed. "Wow, his hair is super vibrant."

The red-haired guy saw them (more specifically, he noticed that they were jumping up and down and waving their arms) and broke into a run. He slowed to a stop as he approached. "Hi, guys," he said enthusiastically. "You two look even better in real life than you do in your selcas."

"Your observation is correct," Taehyung said. "My makeup looks better now that the sun is shining on my face. I don't actually wear makeup all the time, believe it or not," he added. "Only about 75% of it. Same with Jiminie."

Jimin nodded. "Oh, hi Yoongi," he added as a short blond boy approached. 

Yoongi grinned. "Hi," he said. "Nice to meet you."

Namjoon and Jungkook arrived, and Jimin announced that they would be splitting into three groups and searching the building. Of course, the groups were practically pre-determined: Jimin and Taehyung, Yoongi and Hoseok, and Namjoon and Jungkook. And so off they went.

"Obviously, we need to find his class and ask about him," Namjoon said. "His brother said he has advanced acting, so we just need to find that class and ask the professor."

"I actually know where that is," Jungkook said. "I have a friend who takes advanced acting."

"Oh, okay. Let's go."

Jungkook led Namjoon to a room with a stage on one side and several desks on the other. A tall woman with a haircut that was similar to Taehyung's was explaining some sort of acting technique. She stopped and turned to face Jungkook and Namjoon, as did all the students. Jungkook was suddenly unable to speak in front of so many strangers.

"Please help," he hissed to Namjoon. "I can't talk in front of crowds yet. I'm still working on that skill."

Namjoon nodded and cleared his throat. "Excuse me, but has anyone here seen Kim Seokjin?"

The professor frowned. "He asked to go to the bathroom a while ago and hasn't come back yet."

"Okay, thanks," Namjoon replied. "Come on, Jungkook."

They found the bathroom and searched it thoroughly (not that there was much to search), but they still couldn't find Jin. Namjoon, fortunately, had a trick up his sleeve.

"Hang on," he said. "I just remembered an old trick I used to use to pull pranks on my friends. Basically, I've added Jin to my contacts so now I can use this fairly simple hack to get myself into any chat he's part of. That way, we can ask people he knows if they know where he is." He pulled out his phone and did something that seemed very complex and not fairly simple at all, and that took several minutes. In that time, Jungkook was able to take several selcas and make memes out of them, but once Namjoon was finished he had (somehow) hacked his way into a chat.

 

[chat: 92 Club]

 

Sandeul:

so how's everyone's day going

 

Baro Boi: 

lit

 

Moon Byulyeet:

fabulous <3

 

Baro Boi:

byulyi if you use another heart i will poke you repeatedly in the ass with a broom

 

Moon Byulyeet: 

that's oddly specific

 

Moon Byulyeet:

<3 <3 <3

come at me bro

 

Hani:

I-

wtf

what even is this conversation

 

Ken Doll:

no idea

anyway where's Jin?

he's always the first to respond to this chat when someone says something

 

Hani:

idk

 

Moon Byulyeet:

uh he has class rn

 

Ken Doll:

he has chatted with us while being in class before though

 

Moon Byulyeet:

true

 

Baro Boi:

anyway

how does a ragtag volunteer army in need of a shower somehow defeat a global superpower how do we emerge victorious from the quagmire leave the battlefield waving betsy ross's flag higher

 

Sandeul:

stop

 

[Baro Boi changed Sandeul's name to The Ten Sandeul Commandments]

 

Jinnie The Alpacalaca:

GUYS HELP ME

 

Ken Doll:

oh there you are

 

Jinnie The Alpacalaca:

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY

 

Hani:

but is it an actual emergency or a Seokjin Emergency™

 

Jinnie The Alpacalaca:

ACTUAL EMERGENCY

 

Baro Boi:

then why are you caps lock-ing us instead of calling the proper authorities huh

 

Jinnie The Alpacalaca:

BECAUSE I CAN'T JUST BE LIKE "HELLO YES PLEASE SEND AN AMBULANCE AND A FIRE TRUCK AND THE POLICE BECAUSE MY NEW FRIENDS SAW MY FINGERS OKAY THANKS BYE"

 

Hani:

dude this is a Seokjin Emergency™ not an actual one

 

Jinnie The Alpacalaca:

NO IT IS AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY

THEY PROBABLY HATE ME NOW 

 

Ken Doll:

...because of your fingers?

 

Jinnie The Alpacalaca:

YES 

OBVIOUSLY

 

Ken Doll:

Jin you're an idiot

people don't hate people for their body parts, they hate people for their personalities and sometimes race and/or dick size

 

Jinnie The Alpacalaca:

DICKS

ARE

BODY PARTS

 

[A Very Concerned Friend Of Jin joined the chat]

 

A Very Concerned Friend Of Jin:

sorry for intruding but Jin ran away and we need to reassure him so we're trying to find him

 

Jinnie The Alpacalaca:

OH MY GOD

LEAVE ME AND MY BENDY STRAW FINGERS ALONE

 

Moon Byulyeet:

um what the fuck

 

Baro Boi:

B E N D Y  S T R A W  F I N G E R S

oh my god jin

 

A Very Concerned Friend Of Jin:

I'm sorry

we're just all really concerned because he got all defensive and ran off after his brother sent us a picture

this picture

 

Jinnie The Alpacalaca:

whyyy ;-;

 

A Very Concerned Friend Of Jin:

we really don't hate you 

I promise

like literally all six of us are looking for you

because we're worried

 

Jinnie The Alpacalaca:

you're worried

about me

 

A Very Concerned Friend Of Jin:

yes

Jimin told us to meet in front of the performing arts building and we split into groups of two and are trying to find you so we can give you a group hug or smth

 

Jinnie The Alpacalaca:

a group hug sounds really nice right now

...I'm hiding in the bushes outside the performing arts building

 

The Ten Sandeul Commandments:

Kim Seokjin

is hiding outside 

in the bushes

 

Moon Byulyeet:

it appears so

 

The Ten Sandeul Commandments:

Jin there are bugs in the bushes

bugs and dirt

 

Jinnie The Alpacalaca:

yes but I'm digging a hole so I can crawl in and die

also nobody will find me out here

 

Hani:

except all of us, who you told your location to

 

A Very Concerned Friend Of Jin:

okay I'm just gonna leave your chat now

sorry for intruding

 

Ken Doll:

it's okay

you helped our friend out, that's what matters

 

Hani:

yeah

thanks for that :3

 

[A Very Concerned Friend Of Jin left the chat]

 

Moon Byulyeet:

that was lowkey very very strange

like what just happened

 

[irl]

 

While all this was happening, Jimin and Taehyung were searching the building thoroughly. Perhaps it was a little too thoroughly, Jimin thought as Taehyung looked in a trash can.

"Tae, why are you sticking your head into every single trash can in here? Why would he be hiding in those?"

"Maybe he's so insecure that he thinks of himself as trash and therefore wants to hide where he thinks he belongs," Taehyung reasoned. "I mean, yeah, looking in every single one is probably stupid, but you can't be too careful, y'know? And trash cans really do make great hiding places. Remember that one time in ninth grade when we were playing-"

"That was so digusting," Jimin replied. "Honestly. That was one of the weirdest stunts you've ever pulled."

"I've done all sorts of crazy shit and you think the strangest one is hiding in a trash can? Honestly, Jiminie. Tut tut. Tsk tsk. Um... stuff like that." He reached over and ruffled Jimin's hair. Jimin smiled and pulled out his phone.

 

[chat: EXPOSE JIN AND WORSHIP TAEHYUNG]

 

Jimin:

has anyone found anything? he's not in any of the trash cans

 

Hoseok:

yeah man I found his Twitter acc

it's @ seokjindda

 

Taehyung:

what a beautiful username

 

Namjoon:

I messaged him

 

Yoongi:

whoever you marry will be a very lucky person

 

Jimin:

yes jin will be a very lucky person

 

Namjoon:

(*´ω`*)

 

Hoseok:

you like him don't you

 

Jimin:

i ship it

 

Yoongi:

same tbh

I also lowkey ship Taehyung, Jimin, and Jungkook

 

Jimin:

me too

TAEMINKOOK

or maybe 

VMINKOOK

since taetae often goes by v online

 

Taehyung:

oooo I like vminkook

also Hoseok and Yoongi

 

Jungkook:

Yoonseok

 

Hoseok:

yes

 

Yoongi:

Sugaseok

 

Hoseok:

what?

 

Yoongi:

I'm an underground rapper

my stage name is Suga and I'm Agust D on Soundcloud

 

Taehyung:

WAIT WHAT

YOU'RE AGUST D?!?!?!?!?!?

 

Yoongi:

A TO THE G TO THE U TO THE STD

 

Taehyung:

O.O

I'M D BOI BECAUSE I'M FROM D

 

Hoseok:

fyi I'm also into rapping so maybe we could rap together sometime

I'm J-Hope btw

 

Yoongi:

Sope

 

Namjoon:

I'm RM and Yoongi if you're Suga then we rap at the same place but you always have that mask on 

why do you wear that, btw?

 

Yoongi:

because I'm still in college and I don't want to be recognized in class

 

Jimin:

makes sense

 

Namjoon:

anyway where's Jin? Kook and I are waiting in front of the building and he hasn't shown up yet

 

Jungkook:

pffft

 

Namjoon:

???

 

Jungkook:

he's over there

walking toward us 

 

Namjoon:

oh

oh shit I'm not actually ready to see him irl

he's probably even more beautiful irl than he was in the pictures oh god

 

Jungkook:

the pictures didn't do him justice

hE'S ALMOST AS HOT AS JIMIN AND TAEHYUNG

 

Namjoon:

oh fuck

I'm scared now

what if he's so handsome my brain melts

 

Hoseok:

hahaha

 

Yoongi:

dude just grow some balls and turn around

 

Taehyung:

Jimin and I will meet you out there 

 

Hoseok:

same

come on Yoongles

 

Yoongi:

...

 

Jungkook:

he looks scared for some reason

he's hesitating

 

Taehyung:

maybe he's still nervous about whether or not we'll hate him because of his fingers

 

Jimin:

maybe he's suffering from the same thing as Namjoon

an inability to face Namjoon for fear of him being too hot

 

Jungkook:

he's just S T A N D I N G  T H E R E

 

Jungkook:

awww poor guy looks so nervous

I think he's afraid to approach us

 

Yoongi:

then approach him first

be a man

 

Hoseok:

LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS

TO DEFEAT

THE HUNS

 

Taehyung:

DID THEY SEND ME DAUGHTERS

WHEN I ASKED

FOR SOOOOONS

 

Yoongi:

aish

 

Namjoon:

oh god

should I turn around?

 

Jungkook:

yes 

he looks so scared

we need to approach him so he doesn't have to deal with approaching us

 

Jungkook:

we just made eye contact

Namjoon go

 

Namjoon:

fuck

okay

 

[irl]

 

Namjoon's heart was racing. The selcas Jin had uploaded had been absolutely astounding, as had the pictures his brother had sent, and if Jungkook was right that they didn't do him justice, Namjoon was afraid to see how attractive he looked in real life. Finally, Jungkook took matters into his own hands and grabbed Namjoon by the arm. He turned Namjoon around to face the corner of the building, and Namjoon's breath immediately caught in his throat.

If Jin was beautiful in the pictures, he looked like a god in real life. The sunlight made his skin look warm and soft. His hair was glossy and looked absolutely wonderful. His legs were long and thin and his body was just the right mix of curvy and muscular. His eyes widened as they met Namjoon's, and holy shit those eyes were gorgeous. Namjoon stared at him, and he stared back.

"Hi," Jungkook said suddenly, and the spell was broken. Jin blinked and turned to look at Jungkook instead.

"Hi," he replied. "Um... yeah. Hi."

At that moment, Hoseok and Yoongi appeared, followed by Taehyung and Jimin.

"Okay, group hug time!" Jimin yelled. "Everyone hug him!"

And that was how Namjoon ended up with his arms wrapped around Jin, who was nice to hug and smelled amazing, and in very close proximity to Jimin, who was squeezing him and Taehyung tightly. It was a very enjoyable group hug, which was saying something because Namjoon wasn't really a huge fan of having the life squeezed out of him. Finally, they all stepped back.

"Thanks," Jin said. "You guys are all so nice!"

"I'm also well-endowed in other areas," Jimin replied proudly. Yoongi choked on his own spit.

"Okay, let's get ice cream now," Jungkook said. He suddenly looked incredibly flustered.

"Yeah," Hoseok added. "I love ice cream!" He jumped into the air to accentuate his words. Yoongi almost choked again.

And that was how seven young men boys met up in real life and went to get ice cream together. But, of course, their story didn't end there, as evidenced by the unresolved sexual tension Namjoon was starting to feel.

Chapter Text

[chat: HI FRIENDS]

 

Taebae:

okay SO

here's a comprehensive list of everything that happened during our ice cream date

 

Cheddar:

we were all there, we know what happened

 

Taebae:

stfu

 

Taebae:

ANYWAY

-we met up and gAVE JIN A HUG UWU UWU UWU

-we went and got ice cream

-I got chocolate ice cream

-Jimin got strawberry ice cream

-Jungkook got tiramisu ice cream

-Jin got two scoops, one of which was chocolate and the other of which was birthday cake like what the fuck those don't even go together JIN WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

-Yoongles got mint chip ice cream

-Namjoon was sensible and got chocolate, like me

-Hoseok got purple sherbet or some shit

 

Adorable bby:

so is my name officially Yoongles now?

 

A hoe:

yes indeedy 

 

MochiOfDoom:

ye

 

[MochiOfDoom changed Adorable bby's name to YOONGLES]

 

Kooking By The Book:

Tae we don't need this

 

Taebae:

yes we do

so

-we sat outside

-haha Jin's ice cream melted all over his hand see this is why he shouldn't have been greedy

-Yoongles told us all about how much he likes music and yes Yoongles we get it you like music

-Jimin's ass looked excellent, as always

-Hoseok showed Namjoon the joys of cat memes

-Jimin stared at Jungkook's thighs btw Jungkook is hella thicc

-we talked about video games and apparently JUNGKOOK PLAYS OVERWATCH YALL THIS IS AMAZING

-I tried to bend one of my fingers like Jin's and I ended uo dislocating it, which led to Jin trying to strangle me and Jimin trying to help me at the same time

 

Emotional Jinstability:

I did not try to strangle you

 

Taebae:

yes you did

 

Taebae:

-after I almost got strangled we talked about dogs

-Yoongles showed us a picture of his dog

-I have three dogs

-we went home after admiring pictures of my three dogs

-I am summarizing the ice cream date for no apparent reason

 

A hoe:

le sigh

 

Kooking By The Book:

anyway

I would like to point out that Jimin has a very nice ass

 

MochiOfDoom:

hell yeah I do

 

Taebae:

swiggity swooty

 

Kooking By The Book:

I'm coming for that booty

 

YOONGLES:

your body is tiny and your ass is huge and it makes you look like Kim Kardashian

 

[MochiOfDoom changed their name to FIGHT ME BITCH]

 

Cheddar:

okay but can we please talk about Jin's legs

 

Emotional Jinstability:

thank my brother

leg so hot u fry an egg

 

Cheddar:

DAMN

 

Taebae:

too thin for my taste

I like my boys thicc

like the Jibooty

 

FIGHT ME BITCH:

ayyy

 

[chat: EXPOSE JIN AND WORSHIP TAEHYUNG]

 

Namjoon:

yo

Brother of Jin

thank you for this picture

 

SJung:

you're welcome

 

[chat: HI FRIENDS]

 

Cheddar:

some days, I look at pictures of people and say, 'wow, what nice clothes'

other days, I look at pictures of people and say, 'wow, where did this boner come from?'

 

Taebae:

 

Emotional Jinstability:

I suddenly feel very flustered

 

YOONGLES:

good for you

Chapter Text

[chat: HI FRIENDS]

 

A hoe:

good morning!!

 

YOONGLES:

hi

I'm sleepy

 

Emotional Jinstability:

hi sleepy, I'm Jin

 

YOONGLES:

go fuck yourself 

 

Emotional Jinstability:

meanie :(

 

[FIGHT ME BITCH changed their name to Park Chimchim]

 

Park Chimchim:

morning humans

 

Taebae:

OBLIGATORY SELCA TIME!!!!

 

Park Chimchim:

good morning beautiful

 

A hoe:

 

YOONGLES:

why do you guys look so dead inside

you're the cheerful energetic ones

also

 

A hoe:

AWWWWW

AGUST D WHO I ONLY KNOW YOONGLES

 

Cheddar:

Jin

guess what

 

Emotional Jinstability:

you're hilarious what the fuck

why do I find this so funny

 

YOONGLES:

you both have a terrible sense of humor

no wonder we all ship you two

 

Taebae:

I thought we ship them because they keep awkwardly sort of flirting with each other

like the boner thing

yesterday

Namjoon I sent you that cross to cleanse you of your sins

stop talking about your dick

 

Cheddar:

are you compensating for something?

 

Taebae:

no but Jimin is

 

Park Chimchim:

tae wtf

btw where's jungkook

 

Kooking By The Book:

I just woke up what did I miss

 

YOONGLES:

just scroll up

 

Kooking By The Book:

oh

well then

 

Emotional Jinstability:

okay my turn

my roommate's cat likes me uwu

 

A hoe:

okay challenge time! I'll assign us each a ridiculous thing and we have to always talk like that

like if my thing was "always talk in all caps" I WOULD ALWAYS TALK IN ALL CAPS

 

Kooking By The Book:

okay but how about we each pick one person who has to do whatevr we choose

like if I made Jin always have to talk about pizza he would always have to mention pizza in whatever he says

but I would only be able to decide Jin's thing 

 

A hoe:

okay!

let's decide based on 

um

idk

 

Cheddar:

English alphabetical order with our given names

that order would be Hoseok, Jimin, Jungkook, Namjoon, Seokjin, Taehyung, Yoongi

 

A hoe:

okay

are we starting with me or Yoongles

 

YOONGLES:

you

 

A hoe:

k

so Jimin

you have to add -inator to the end of every noun

 

Park Chimchim:

like doofenschmirtz?

 

A hoe:

yes

 

Park Chimchim:

okay

jungkook has to communicate entirely in song lyrics

 

Kooking By The Book:

oh fuck

um

Namjoon has to flirt obnoxiously with Jin every time he talks

 

Cheddar:

oh god

OH GOD

um

JIN YOU HAVE TO REFERENCE KIDS SHOWS OR MOVIES EVERY TIME YOU TALK

 

Emotional Jinstability:

oh this is easy

Tae you have to type every word backward

ekil siht

 

Taebae:

"okay that's easy

Yoongles

you have to narrate everything you say like it's a shitty romance novel. like this," Taehyung said, licking his lips sexily.

 

YOONGLES:

oh god

um Hoseok

every other word has to be a sound effect

like *chicken noises* this

 

A hoe:

got it

LET'S GOOOOOOOO

starting now

 

Park Chimchim:

so

the iceinator creaminator dateinator yesterday was fun

 

A hoe:

I'M *boom* ALREADY *distant screaming* LAUGHING *fighter jet noises* MY *gunshots* ASS *fire noises* OFF

 

YOONGLES:

"that was violent, darling," Yoongi whispered in Hoseok's ear. "I didn't know you liked it so rough."

 

A hoe:

ASKSKALAMDMALSKSUWJAMHOHGOD *flatline* YOONGI

 

Park Chimchim:

hoseokinator is probably dead look what you did

 

Kooking By The Book:

OOH

LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME HIM DO

 

Emotional Jinstability:

look at this chat

isn't it neat

wouldn't you think my squad is complete

wOULDN'T YOU THINK I'M THE JIN

THE JIN WHO HAS

EVERYTHIIING

 

Taebae:

ha, eht elttil diamrem

a cissalc

 

A hoe:

Namjoon *nyoom* say *kachow* something

 

Cheddar:

I've avoided talking because I don't want to have to obnoxiously flirt with Jin

but I guess I'll have to

AYYYY JINNIE WHAT TIME DO THOSE FINE LEGS OPEN

 

Emotional Jinstability:

(The) Incredible(s)! You made me choke on my own spit! Congratulations!

 

Kooking By The Book:

Namjoon be like: I WANNA TAKE YOU TO A GAY BAR

 

Emotional Jinstability:

so Namjoon

are we going on a trip in our favorite rocket ship? ;)

 

Kooking By The Book:

WOAH

DESPACITO

 

A hoe:

I *pow* don't *howling wind* get *echoing scream* it *waves breaking* but *moans* lmao

 

Park Chimchim:

let's sing a songinator! 

i'll start

WHEN I WAS A YOUNG BOYINATOR MY FATHERINATOR TOOK ME INTO THE CITYINATOR

 

Kooking By The Book:

TO SEE A MARCHING BAND

 

Cheddar:

HE SAID SON WHEN YOU GROW UP WILL YOU BE THE SAVIOR OF THE BROKEN, THE BEATEN, AND THE DAMNED

AND ALSO MAKE JIN NOTICE NAMJOON AYY

 

YOONGLES:

he said, "will you defeat them? the demons, and all the nonbelievers? the plans that they have made?" as he spoke, he looked deep into my eyes seductively

 

Taebae:

esuaceb eno yad ll'i evael uoy

a motnahp

ot dael uoy ni eht remmus

OT NIOJ EHT KCALB EDARAP

 

Emotional Jinstability:

(time skip)

WE'LL CARRY ON

WE'LL CARRY ON

AND THOUGH YOU'RE DEAD AND GONE YOU'LL GET A SCOOBY SNACK

 

A hoe:

okay *crunch* new *bork* song 

LET'S *shing* GET *clink* DOWN *distant thunder* TO *shouting* BUSINESS

Chapter Text

[chat: HI FRIENDS]

 

Park Chimchim:

to defeat the huninators

did they send me daughterinators

when i asked for soninators

  

Taebae:

er'uoy eht tseddas hcnub ev'I reve tem

 

Cheddar:

but you can bet before we're through

MISTER I'LL

FUCK SEOKJIN

IN FRONT OF YOU

 

Emotional Jinstability:

(excuse you, I like my privacy)

tranquil as a forest

but on fire within

 

Kooking By The Book:

(exhibitionism builds character)

once you find your center 

you are sureee to wiiiin

 

YOONGLES:

"You're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot," Shang murmured, breath ghosting over Mulan's ear as he spoke. "And you haven't got a clue. Somehow I'll make a man out of you..." Little did he know Mulan was a woman.

 

A hoe:

I'm *gasp* never *pant* gonna *wheeze* catch *cough* my *hiss* breath

 

Park Chimchim:

wait wait hold on

mulaninator is too easy

jininator and jungkookinator literally don't have to put in any effortinator

 

A hoe:

maybe *bubble wrap popping* we *sploosh* should *wind howling* stop *death rattle* now

 

Emotional Jinstability: 

yeah this challenge is like Upjin

 

Cheddar:

what's Upjin?

 

Emotional Jinstability:

nothing much, hbu? ;)

 

YOONGLES:

that joke is so 2014

 

Kooking By The Book:

the first recorded use of the joke was in 2000

 

YOONGLES:

yeah same thing

 

Kooking By The Book:

they're 14 years apart??

 

A hoe:

yeah

but like 

it's still old

like, gag me with a spoon

 

Emotional Jinstability:

...that's from the 80s

 

Park Chimchim:

no it's from the fucking sirius xm 80s station

my mom says nobody actually said that

 

Emotional Jinstability:

no they did

but I think it was only for like a year or so and then they just said gag me before stopping completely

 

Emotional Jinstability:

trust me

I wasn't alive in the 80s but 1992 is pretty close

 

YOONGLES:

not really

 

[Emotional Jinstability changed YOONGLES's name to No Concept Of Time]

 

No Concept Of Time:

that's right bitch time is a social construct

from now on this is fuckin Sukharevskaya

 

Park Chimchim:

the fuck is sukharevskaya

 

No Concept Of Time:

Russian metro station

 

A hoe:

"metro station" and "time is a social construct" are literal polar opposites

the trains have to be on time

 

No Concept Of Time:

read Metro 2033 and you'll get it

one character pretty much says time is a social construct

 

Kooking By The Book:

hey we should make anagrams 

using our names

like Gonk Jojo Nuke

 

Emotional Jinstability:

Joke Minski

 

No Concept Of Time:

Minski sounds vaguely Russian

 

Kooking By The Book:

what is with your Russia obsession

 

No Concept Of Time:

shut up

anyway

-Mooing Yin

-Inigo My On

-Goy Minion

-Ginny I Moo

-Gi Nyoomin

 

No Concept Of Time:

Hello, my name is Inigo My On. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

 

Park Chimchim:

i am your father! actually no i'm kim pain jr

 

Taebae:

Gunky Hamite

 

Cheddar:

Jin Mono Kam

huh

I'm working on a mixtape called mono.

 

Park Chimchim:

you're not even gonna mention the jin part?

 

Cheddar:

uhh

Hoseok it's your turn

 

A hoe:

Joke Shogun

now tell us if the Jin part means anything

 

Cheddar:

uh

well I feel like I've connected with him the most out of all of you

 

Emotional Jinstability:

aww

I've connected with you too :)

 

Cheddar:

oh

okay

um

hang on I gotta go

gotta go

um

buy some new shoes

 

Emotional Jinstability:

well when you get back you can step on me with them

 

Cheddar:

ASJSJNAMUAIS YOURE MAKING IT WORSE

 

Emotional Jinstability:

hey it's not my fault you have trouble buying shoes

 

Cheddar:

omg jin stop

please youre flustering me so much

 

Cheddar:

ahem

I'll be back after I

uh

eat lunch

 

No Concept Of Time:

I don't think he's buying shoes OR eating lunch

 

Taebae:

haha yeah I think he's just flustered

Chapter Text

[chat: HI FRIENDS]

 

Kooking By The Book:

good afternoon, kings

let's get this bread

 

No Concept Of Time:

it's not really afternoon now

more like evening

 

Park Chimchim:

wow you actually DO have some concept of time

 

[Park Chimchim changed No Concept Of Time's name to Some Concept Of Time]

 

Kooking By The Book:

so how are you guys doing?

 

Emotional Jinstability:

ugh terrible

 

Cheddar:

what's wrong?

 

Emotional Jinstability:

I had a lot to eat for dinner and none of it is really agreeing with me

my stomach hurts

 

Cheddar:

aw oppa thing

 

Cheddar:

*POOR GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

AUTOCORRECT WAS A MISTAKE

 

Some Concept Of Time:

idk I bet Jimin needs it

 

Park Chimchim:

wtf do you mean by that?

 

Some Concept Of Time:

you're the official butt-monkey of the group just go with it

 

Emotional Jinstability:

guysss

pay attention to meee

 

Some Concept Of Time:

why?

 

Emotional Jinstability:

because I'm in pain Yoongi what do you think

 

Cheddar:

is there anything we can do to make you feel better?

 

Emotional Jinstability:

yeah I need belly rubs

 

Some Concept Of Time:

uh sorry to burst your bubble but we can't just spontaneously appear where you are and do that for you

 

Taebae:

don't worry Jin I got u

 

Park Chimchim:

taehyung wtf are you doing

why are you suddenly rubbing my tummy

you know I'm ticklish >:(

 

Taebae:

shhh it's okay

I'm just giving Jin belly rubs by proxy

 

Emotional Jinstability:

that is the most ridiculous concept I've ever heard

 

Taebae:

YOU'RE the most ridiculous concept I've ever heard

 

Emotional Jinstability:

you're a fucking thot

 

A hoe:

excuse you I'M the thot here

 

Some Concept Of Time:

I'm glad you're here, thot

 

A hoe:

what

 

Some Concept Of Time:

what

 

Kooking By The Book:

WHAT ARE THOOOOOOSE

 

Some Concept Of Time:

go fuck yourself

 

Kooking By The Book:

you guys are so boring tonight

 

Emotional Jinstability:

since when am I ever boring

I liven up chats and brighten rooms just by BEING there 

 

Cheddar:

yeah Jin's NEVER boring

he's the entertaining one

 

Taebae:

um hello

I exist too

 

Park Chimchim:

yeah none of us are ever boring except yoongi

 

Some Concept Of Time:

fuck you

I'm not boring, just eternally salty

I'm CONSTANTLY salty

always and forever

nothing can make me not-salty

 

A hoe:

says the dude who started fanboying the first time he saw what I look like

oh btw

sorry about the shitty quality my lighting is ew but it don't matter bc I'm cute af

 

Some Concept Of Time:

everything in that statement is true

 

Emotional Jinstability:

guys

 

Park Chimchim:

hey we should all go out and get some ice cream or something!!

 

Emotional Jinstability:

oh god no

 

Park Chimchim:

oh yeah sorry jin

 

Emotional Jinstability:

some friend you are

 

Park Chimchim:

oh fuck off

 

Emotional Jinstability:

I'm not going anywhere

mainly because my stomach cramps every time I try to stand up

 

Cheddar:

aw are you okay?

 

Emotional Jinstability:

I've literally been whining about this the whole time and you haven't figured that out yet??

 

Cheddar:

sorry it's just

common courtesy I guess

 

Emotional Jinstability:

aw you're sweet

 

Taebae:

you know who else is sweet?

 

Emotional Jinstability:

pay attention to meeee :(

 

Some Concept Of Time:

sorry but we're looking at a cute puppy

 

Emotional Jinstability:

I'm cute :((

 

Cheddar:

then send us some pictures

I mean

only if you want

 

Some Concept Of Time:

yeah prove to us that you're cuter than Taehyung's dog

 

Emotional Jinstability:

but I'm gross rn

 

Cheddar:

you can't look THAT bad

I mean you're literally the most attractive one of us

 

Emotional Jinstability:

no for real I'm all pale and sweaty I really don't look good

 

Cheddar:

oh

okay then

 

Emotional Jinstability:

anyway yeah I feel like s h i t 

ooh I can FEEL my stomach churning ugh

 

Kooking By The Book:

you are the definition of tmi

like that phrase was probably invented because of you

 

Emotional Jinstability:

let me narrate my battle with food poisoning in peace

 

Park Chimchim:

it's official jin is the Dramatic Friend

 

Emotional Jinstability:

oookay now I can't stop burping and hiccuping? this ain't good fellas

 

Kooking By The Book:

Jin for fuck's sake stop it

 

Emotional Jinstability:

but I want attentiob

 

Emotional Jinstability:

that was supposed to say attention sorry my dudes that hiccup was Violent

 

Emotional Jinstability:

ow fuck that was a Very Painful Moment right there

 

Some Concept Of Time:

omfg Jin

 

Emotional Jinstability:

what can I say? I am the Dramatic Friend after all

 

Park Chimchim:

embracing your role I see 

 

Taebae:

ahem

 

Cheddar:

aww so smol

 

A hoe:

DOGGO

 

Emotional Jinstability:

aw fuck guys please excuse this interruption I'm gonna puke

we will be right back after this commercial break !!

 

Kooking By The Book:

god Jin did we really need to know that?

in what world would we need you to inform us in TV host style that you're about to throw up

just do it and don't tell us

 

Park Chimchim:

well i mean he IS giving us a play-by-play of this whole ordeal

 

Taebae:

maybe he has a vomit kink

 

Kooking By The Book:

guys please

 

Taebae:

alternatively his kink might be announcing everything that happens to him

 

A hoe:

maybe he's into exhibitionism

 

Cheddar:

nah he said he likes his privacy

 

Park Chimchim:

when??

 

Cheddar:

uh during the challenge? he said he likes his privacy, to which Jungkook responded "exhibitionism builds character"

 

Park Chimchim:

oh yeah u right

 

Emotional Jinstability:

IIIII'M BACK!!

just to clarify, I am not into emetophilia OR exhibitionism! although a vomit kink would have been useful just now

anyway! gtg brush my teeth and then I'll be back!!

 

Kooking By The Book:

god what a fucking idiot

*stares into the camera like I'm on The Office*

 

Emotional Jinstability:

hey I'm supposed to be the one who does that

 

Taebae:

it doesn't matter

BOW DOWN TO OUR LORD AND SAVIOR YEONTAN

 

Kooking By The Book:

oh my fucking god I hate how cute he is

 

Taebae:

Chapter Text

[chat: HI FRIENDS]

 

Park Chimchim:

hi what are you guys doing

 

Emotional Jinstability:

being cute as FUCK while practicing my child-murdering skills :) hbu?

 

Park Chimchim:

practicing your WHAT

 

Some Concept Of Time:

Seokjin there are some lines that shouldn’t be crossed and this is one of them

 

Emotional Jinstability:

to clarify I am not actually a serial killer

 

Kooking by the Book:

sounds like something a serial killer would say

 

Taebae:

Jungkook don’t act so nonchalant

he said he’s murdering CHILDREN

that means you could be his next victim !!

 

Kooking By The Book:

hey what the fuck

 

[Some Concept Of Time renamed the chat Serial Killer Apologists]

 

Emotional Jinstability:

I just said I’m not a serial killer

 

[Some Concept Of Time changed Emotional Jinstability’s name to Serial Killer]

 

Cheddar:

wow I missed a lot

 

Serial Killer:

do YOU believe me, at least?

 

Cheddar:

uh well

you said you were playing the purple guy from FNAF for your play right? that would explain things

 

Serial Killer:

finally someone gets it

I’m practicing my lines lmao

 

Some Concept Of Time:

you should have told us that at the start and spared yourself all this trouble

 

Park Chimchim:

you came like this close to having to get phoenix wright to defend your sorry ass

 

Serial Killer:

excuse you I would pick Edgeworth

 

Park Chimchim:

edgeworth is a prosecutor though

 

Serial Killer: 

yeah but he does some defense attorneying at one point

and if I got him to defend me maybe he could fuck me

 

Serial Killer:

I would let Miles Edgeworth top me

 

[Park Chimchim changed Serial Killer’s name to Lawyer Kink]

 

Taebae:

wait Jin you’re a bottom??

 

Lawyer Kink:

...yes?

 

Taebae:

I’m a switch

 

Kooking By The Book:

hey me too! I prefer topping though

 

Park Chimchim:

i prefer bottoming and am also a switch how convenient

 

Some Concept Of Time:

why are at least 4/7 of us switches

because uh me too

 

Cheddar:

don’t worry I’m a top ;)

 

A hoe:

heyyyy me too!

this means you can fuck Jin ;)

 

Some Concept Of Time:

hey there you are

figures you’d only show up when we started talking about sex

 

A hoe:

well I AM a hoe after all ;)

 

Cheddar:

*ho

 

A hoe:

 

 

Cheddar:

oh fuck it spell it however you want

 

Lawyer Kink:

you mean hoe-ever you want ;)

 

Some Concept Of Time:

oh ffs Jin we’re trying to slutshame Hoseok this is not the time for jokes

 

Park Chimchim:

um why are we slutshaming hoseok when jin literally admitted to wanting to have sex with a FICTIONAL CHARACTER

 

Lawyer Kink:

Edgeworth can choke me with his cravat

 

Park Chimchim:

see??

 

Lawyer Kink:

;)

 

Kooking By The Book:

I looked up this Edgeworth guy and damn Namjoon you’ve got some serious competition

 

Cheddar:

I looked him up too and I can’t compete with that neck floof

 

Lawyer Kink:

IT’S CALLED A CRAVAT YOU UNCULTURED CINNAMON ROLL

 

Cheddar:

sorry

 

Lawyer Kink:

aww sweetie there’s no need to apologize you did nothing wrong uwu

 

[Kooking By The Book changed Lawyer Kink’s name to Whipped Cream]

 

Whipped Cream:

hey Lawyer Kink was funny :(

 

Kooking By The Book:

well so is Whipped Cream live with it

 

[Whipped Cream changed Kooking By The Book’s name to THOT]

 

THOT:

screw you

 

Whipped Cream:

sorry I can’t

I’m busy

maybe later

 

THOT:

“busy”

what are you doing

 

Whipped Cream:

practicing my lines

 

THOT:

hmph

 

[THOT changed their name to Junglecock]

 

Junglecock:

much better