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Silent Screams No One Ever Heard

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You don't remember, do you?
We used to play together.
You liked to touch my ears, that were just like those of a dog's.
My tail amused you.
You really liked us ajin, didn't you?
Despite the fact that outside of the village all we were thought as were slaves who should work until they break, in your eyes we were impressive creatures. You did us the honor of viewing us as your equals, you, the princess of all people. But you were just a child after all, you wouldn't understand why your species would treat us like slaves just because we were different. You wouldn't understand even if you knew. You'd question it. You'd cry. You'd feel sorry.
What a compassionate child.
I wonder what you'd say if you knew that your servant was in fact related to you by blood. The person who had to listen to your every command and fulfill all of your wishes, the one whose life belonged to you, was your very own sibling.
But you didn't remember.
You were so young the last time I called you my sister, after all.
Nakaba-sama.
My Master.
I couldn't stand calling you that, and yet I had no other choice.
To reveal that we are brother and sister, to give us both away and get you killed along with me, how disgusting would that be?
And yet, it was so many times I almost gave up to those selfish, hideous thoughts.
Thinking about it now, I don't think I was ever going to actually do it.
They... wouldn't believe me, after all.
But just knowing that I had that power, it made me feel less desperate. That thing alone made me feel like I mattered.
Because I could at least take my sister with me in death.
See, in the end I have a very wicked mind.
In the very least... I would never do it. Never. Those ghastly thoughts were my secret place of comfort, but nothing more. I found solace in the fact that, even if you were a princess and I was a servant, even if you were a human and I was an ajin, even if you were recognized as a member of the royal family and I wasn't, at least that single fact about our bloodline would kill us both.
The one thing we had in common, Nakaba-sama.
Did you know, Nakaba-sama?
That I was afraid of falling asleep, afraid of having to face those gruesome memories in my dreams.
I was being tortured by the arcana, too.
And I couldn't talk about it with anyone.
I was alone, Nakaba-sama.
You weren't there for me. You weren't a sister to me. I can't call you by just your name, I'm not allowed.
But the worst thing I have to endure is that I simply cannot blame you for it.
I can't blame you for not remembering.
I can't blame you for not knowing.
I can't blame you for living with no ugly thoughts.
While I...
I wanted to do horrible things, Nakaba-sama. I felt bad for it, but in the end I couldn't help it.
I knew. I remembered. I saw it when I was awake and when I was asleep.
I was suffering, Nakaba-sama. Not a single day passed without me suffering.
But you never knew. I could never tell you, my only family, about what I was going through.
I had to serve the only family member I had left. Serve you until I die.
Even my death wasn't my own. It was you losing a servant, not me, the ajin, losing his life. Because I was your possession, Master.
Did I ever accept it, in the end? If I say I did, that would be a lie... I never accepted it.
I always hoped you would remember eventually, even though I knew you would be hurt if you did.
Selfish, isn't it?
I am selfish.
I am so selfish that your pure, naive mind would never be able to understand how selfish I am.
Hey, Nakaba-sama...
Do you remember the last time you called me brother?
I don't, either.
You'd think I would cherish that moment. That single word. You'd expect me to recall it with mixed feelings, bittersweet emotions.
But in fact, I don't remember at all.
Back then you were my sister. I never thought that would ever change.
So I let it pass like something simple, meaningless... that one last time, I have forgotten all about it.
I don't remember, Nakaba-sama.
But that's fine. We stopped long ago. Being siblings, that is.
So it's okay not to remember.
Hey...
Can I call you by your name just once?
...
No matter what you reply to that, I still won't do it.
I don't want to live in the past, Master.
I want to forget.
I want to finally be able to forgive.
Forgive my parents. Forgive my sister. Forgive my master.
Forgive myself.
Because forgiving would mean peace.
All I want is to die in peace, Master.
But looks like I can't have peace after all.
It's okay, Nakaba-sama.
I don't need peace.
Do I?
One does not miss something they never had. However, I did have peace, once upon a time. And I do miss it.
But ignoring feelings like pain, anger, sadness... I can do it, Nakaba-sama.
I will do it because I am your servant.
I care about you, even if my love for you was never meant to be that of a brother's.
I'm just an ajin, princess. I can never be anything more.
I will make peace with that, eventually.
Hey, Nakaba-sama...
I wonder what kind of life you'll have after I am gone.
I know I don't have much time. I thought I wanted to stay away from you, but in the end...
I can't hate you.
I want to see you.
I... am dying, Master.
I am sorry. I never got your permission.
But I don't really care at this point.
Can I see you as a sister, just this last moment?
...I intended to ask like that.
But even if you said no, I would still do that.
Goodbye, Nakaba.
Please don't cry.