“ You think this is about my profiling skills? Jennifer, listen: The only reason you were able to manage my perceptions is because I trusted you! I came to your house for ten weeks in a row, crying over losing a friend, and not once did you have the decency to tell me the truth! ”
— Dr. Spencer Reid, Criminal Minds Season 7, Episode 2: “Proof” (2011)
If there was one thing Agent Cupid Carmine hated more than being flightless, it was being flightless despite having wings. The sheer humiliation of this fact drilled into his head like a jackhammer with every stride as he raced through the hallways of the PPC HQ, clad in his pale rose toga with purplish black undergarments and a bright red scarf. The Sue-wraith-turned-angel was running because he knew that she was right behind him, and he did not want her to catch him at any cost.
Yes, the being who had once possessed Pit, the angelic protagonist of Kid Icarus, and now took on his exact appearance, was so distracted by the thought of her catching up with him that he didn’t notice that the hallways had changed from grey to a uniform matte black, without any lighting to guide him — at least until he ran headlong into a wall. The angel staggered back, clutching his forehead from the pain, before wondering how close his pursuer was. Then he remembered something else.
There was only one place in the PPC where the hallways were painted black, and that happened to be the department where he had been assigned to. From what he had heard during his briefing, there were quite a few notable agents who resided in the Department of Implausible Crossovers. The agents who had the longest tenure here were Supernumerary and Ilraen-Aroline-Fothergill, and the agents who had the highest published mission count in this department so far were Florestan and Eusabius. Were any of them still active? And if so, would it be possible for him to meet either of these two agent pairs someday? Of course, he would have to get his hands dirty with a crossover mission of his own first, but maybe if —
The sound of footfalls coming in his direction interrupted his inner monologue; channeling what little power he had without Palutena’s help, he willed his wings to glow, the faint blue light illuminating the three-way junction he had come across. Looking frantically to either side hall, he picked a random corridor and took off again, making more and more random turns in his attempt to foil his opponent. In the event of a fight, as good as he was in long range combat, he wasn’t as skilled in close range, which would be especially important in a confined space like a corridor. Then there was the fact that just like Pit, he couldn’t fly…
He rubbed his forehead as he stopped at a random T-intersection, trying to forget that embarrassing fact. So engrossed was the former Impetus miserablis in trying to figure out what to do if worse came to worst that he failed to notice the figure creeping up towards him.
That is, until she pounced at him from behind, scattering a few loose feathers into the air.
“GYAAAH!” he cried, a mere instant before landing flat on his face.
“Gotcha!” Sarah Squall laughed, sitting on Cupid’s back with her front towards his legs and Paluntena the mini-Monoeye hovering over her shoulder, its glowing green eye lighting the way for her. “Geez, Cupid, I’ve been trying to catch you for fifteen minutes! I’ll have to punish you for running off like that!”
“Sorry!” he laughed nervously. “I thought you were someone else, and I panicked!”
“You know that’s not gonna save you… cutie, ” Sarah chuckled, pulling off his sandals and tossing them aside before pulling both of his legs up towards her. His toes curled instinctively as he guessed what she was about to do.
“No no, I’m serious! I — aaaaAAAH WAHAHAHAHAHA AHA!” Thus the replica of the servant of the Goddess of Light found himself cackling in hysterics and pounding his fists against the Generic Floor as Sarah and Paluntena started teasing the soft, sensitive soles of his oversized feet.
“Admit it, you love this, don’t you?” the Super smirked, spidering her fingernails over his creamy wide right arch while Paluntena’s tentacles weaved between his wiggling left toes.
“I SAID I WAS S-SORRY!” Cupid guffawed, his brown hair shaking wildly about as he struggled to get away from her — though indeed, he was having as much fun as she was. “HEHEHE CUT IT OUT! STAHAHAP! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!”
“Awww, what more, do I ask?” she smiled, plucking a fluffy white feather off the floor and sawing it between his two smallest right toes. “To tickle you ‘till you beg for mercy.”
“AIEEEEEHHEHEHEEEP! I’M BEGGING ALREADY!” Cupid howled, tears already running down his blushing cheeks as the mini-Monoeye picked up another feather and began fluttering it over his left pinky toe as well. “HAHAHA I’M FINISHED HEHEHEHAHA STOP! PLEEEHEHEEEASE!!!”
“Aaaand ‘I’m finished’ is the safeword,” Sarah laughed cheerfully as she waved her mini away, let his legs drop to the floor, and got off of him. “Aww, did I overdo it?”
“No no, you’re fine,” he gasped, still panting for breath as he rolled onto his back and sat up. “You’re right, that was fun! So, did you want to tell me anything?”
“Oh, not really,” she replied with a shrug. “Just that we’ve apparently been assigned to the same RC. I was worried that the Ironic Overpower would keep us from working together, but…”
“Really? That’s great!” Cupid grinned. “I knew we were going to see each other again soon! I just thought you were that evil giant cat, and I don’t want to run into her ever again…”
“Rosie isn’t evil,” Sarah replied as she tossed him his boots. “She’s just a big meanie who’s forgotten how to have fun.”
“I’ll say,” he replied as he slipped his footwear back on. “I nearly killed her, for Lady Palutena’s sake, and she hasn’t forgiven me for that! The less I see of her, the better.”
“So, we’re both assigned to RC #333, am I right?” Sarah asked, watching in amusement as Cupid tried to stand up… only to collapse back to the ground again, giggling madly.
“Y-you — what did you do?!” he managed to choke out.
She shrugged innocently. “Oh, I slipped a feather into each of your boots. No biggie.”
“YOU L-LITTLE CHEATING — I OUGHTA —” he laughed, trying to reach for her, but she grabbed his hand and pointed towards a door near their intersection that Paluntena’s light beam had illuminated.
“Hey, there it is!” Sarah said loudly.
As it turned out, it had a decal that read the exact number they were looking for. “Hey, there it is ,” Sarah repeated. “Let’s get down to business!”
Before the Pit expy could respond, she had dragged him off, purposely ignoring his helpless laughter as every step brought him the caress of his own feathers.
The two friends and the mini made their way over to the door they’d spotted earlier, which Sarah promptly flung open. “Hell ooooo , new and hopefully permanent residence!” she declared cheerfully, recognizing the suitcase laid on one of the three single beds in the (thankfully lit) RC as her own. “Here’s to a profitable career of untangling games from the arcade to the PC!”
“Whoa whoa, wait. Are we specifically dedicated to gaming?” Cupid asked, still giggling as he sat upon the nearest bed and pulled off his shoes, hoping to fish the feathers out. “I don’t think there’s even a video-game division in this department yet…”
“Maybe not,” Sarah responded, stroking beneath the mini-Monoeye’s tentacles. “But both of our homefics involved at least one videogame continuum, so I wouldn’t be surprised if Upstairs send us game-related stuff soon.”
The angel idly looked over at the console, which was already showing a report of some kind. “Speak of the devil, they’ve probably done so already!”
The Super agent carefully stepped over some random jacks scattered on the floor, and headed over to the work desk. She casually glanced at the report, raising an eyebrow. “Hmmm, how odd,” she mused. “This report appears to have been sent ten minutes ago. But… why isn’t the console going off? Did someone already shut it for us?”
Cupid, who was in the process of slipping his now feather-free sandals back on, sat up straight almost immediately. He paused, his eyes quickly scanning the RC. “I think so,” he spoke cautiously. “And not only has said someone been eating from our fridge, resting on our couch, and sleeping in one of our beds, but they’re still here, hiding somewhere. Doesn’t the console go off every five minutes or so?”
Sarah immediately hit the button on the console and turned to her partner. “Well, it did just now,” she said casually. “But we’ll need to find Goldilocks before we start preparing. I have a feeling the two of us may not be the only ones going into this mission.”
“Yeah, but the whole place seems deserted,” Cupid replied, but then his sapphire eyes fell upon the firmly shut closet door. “Unless…”
He stood up, motioning for Sarah to step aside, and took a few cautious steps towards the closet. Who knew what could be in there? Some kind of monster made out of old laundry? Good thing he had his Angel Bow on him, just in case. His hand reached for the doorknob hesitantly, wondering what was in store, and then started to turn it.
There was a tiny squeak from inside the door. It sounded rather like a mouse, quiet and frightened. But it was enough to draw the attention of both disentanglers-to-be.
Another short pause, and Cupid shrugged, before quickly opening the closet. “Gotcha!” he cried in victory.
There was a high-pitched, ear-piercing scream from inside the closet, worthy of the depths of the Underworld, and a cerulean blur streaked out from the laundry, flattening the angel underfoot in the process and putting Paluntena to flight. An instant later, Sarah found herself holding someone, the way Shaggy from Scooby-Doo would hold the panicking pooch. Said someone was a girl who appeared to be a few years younger than her, and appropriately enough for the previous comparison, she was wide-eyed and shaking with absolute terror.
The Super was tempted for some reason to describe the girl’s clothing in the urplest prose imaginable, but she willed herself to picture it in a more digestible manner. Her clothing was in various shades of blue with wave patterns on the hems of her long sleeves and pant legs. Her shirt left her midriff bare, and straps of cloth hung from her waistline like elegant, flowing fins. Her frantic, ocean-blue eyes were bigger relative to her face than even Sarah’s own, and her six rows of triangular, serrated teeth were chattering like in a cartoon. Lastly, her vivid royal-blue hair, streaked with baby blue (or was that blunde?), was tied in two pigtails and a ponytail at the back, which poured from the back of her head like the foam of a cresting wave —
The older female let out a yell of surprise and pain, having made the mistake of looking at the younger one’s purple-prosed hair straight on. In her momentary blindness she stumbled backwards, tripping over her own feet, and dropped the girl onto herself. The two of them collapsed in a heap onto the floor as Cupid sat up, his head still spinning.
“... Ow ,” Sarah whimpered, her voice sounding two octaves higher due to her landing on the jacks she’d stepped over earlier.
“Sorry, sorry!” cried the girl. “I got scared and forgot about the Sue hair color! I hope I didn’t frighten you or something…”
“I thought we were the ones who scared you,” Cupid muttered, wiping the shoe print off of his face with his arm guard. “Sorry about that!”
“No no, it’s fine,” the girl replied, sitting up and taking a small spray canister from her pocket and using it to discharge a fine blue mist all over her hair. “I’m just nervous beyond all reason, if anything. This is my first time on the job, after all — I was a Mary Sue prior to joining the PPC, and they moved me here from the Nursery just last night.”
“Hey, I was a Stu as well!” Cupid smiled, heading over to help her off of Sarah with the mini-Monoeye in tow. “My buddy here actually rescued me. Well, exorcised me, technically, but hey, who’s counting?”
“You’re welcome,” Sarah added with an air of mock bravado as she got to her feet, picking the jacks off of her backside. “So, it looks like we’re in this together?”
“Apparently,” the other girl replied, her hair now colored in a single royal-blue hue with no highlights. “I was beginning to worry that I’d have to take on my first mission all by myself, but I guess I was wrong. I’m Lapis, by the way. Lapis Lazuli. And you must be… ?”
“Sarah Squall,” the older girl smiled as her winged ally joined them. “Though you can call me Stratogale. And this little Tickle-Me-Elmo here is Cupid Carmine.”
The angel had taken that moment to stretch his arms over his head, which Sarah promptly took advantage of with a little poke at his armpit. He yelped in surprise, clamping his arms to his sides, and waved sheepishly. “Yipe! Uh, heheh… Hi.”
“It’s good to meet you both,” Lapis said in a more cheerful but still uneasy tone, putting her spray-on hair color back in her hammerspace. “Now, where do we start?”
“Good question,” said Sarah. “We’ll need to know which continua we’re supposed to unscramble first.”
The agents looked at the console, which was now showing the intelligence report that had no doubt been sent to them. Being based on Pit, Cupid couldn’t make out what was on the screen (though to his credit, it was only the English dub of Kid Icarus: Uprising that had stated that Pit hadn’t learned to read, and Japanese katakana might not have been out of the question).
“Okay, so… those weird squiggly lines and stuff… Do any of you ladies understand them?” he asked.
“Yes, actually,” said Lapis. “And it looks like we’re going to have a real smash for our first mission!”
He understood that almost immediately. “A smash?! All right! I haven’t had any fun since my last brawl!”
“Brawl?! How awful! I just can’t imagine you in a melee!”
Cupid pouted playfully. “Yeah, well… That’s because I wasn’t …”
Sarah could read the report, of course, but she was metaphorically out of the loop. The fact that she was supposed to be from the 1970’s may have had something to do with it.
“Okay, inside jokes aside,” she said, “I have absolutely no idea what you two are saying.”
“You’ve never heard of Super Smash Bros. ?” asked Lapis, looking quite disappointed.
“Nope,” she admitted sadly. “The only game continua I should be familiar with come from before the 80’s. Oregon Trail, Space Invaders, Pong , and the like. My homefic did involve Portal and Donkey Kong Country , but other than that, I technically shouldn’t be familiar with even the NES classics like Cupid is, secondary sources notwithstanding obviously.”
“Awww, but Super Smash Bros. is the greatest thing since floor ice cream!” the brunette angel hedged. “It’s a pretty comprehensive overview of a lot of Nintendo franchises, including my home continuum.”
“Mine too!” Lapis added, picking the rest of the jacks off the floor. “Well, in a way, kind of.”
“Wait, which world are you from?” asked Sarah.
“ Pokémon. Though to be fair, I’m technically from the TV series continuum and not the one based on the games. I was a traveling companion of Ash back in the day…”
“Ohhhhh. I should’ve known. No wonder you look so… so anime. ”
The ex-Sue flashed a luminescent blush, rubbing the back of her head while a rather large sweatdrop slid down her hair and stained her shirt collar. “Yeah. I know. I mean, it’s not my fault that my author loved Pokémon back in the day. Last I checked, he still does.”
“Do you have Pokémon of your own?” asked Cupid. “I’d like to see ‘em!”
“I do have one, but I’m probably going to hold off on bringing the little guy until we get something that actually involves Pokémon . For now, though…”
“So,” Sarah interjected, “are there any other continua involved in this thing?”
The blue-haired girl paused for one awkward moment. “Well,” she said finally, “if it helps you any, the title of the fic is ‘Criminal MindsSSBB: Reckoning.’”
Sarah’s squee made both of her partners jump. “ Criminal Minds?! I love that show!” she cheered. “I’ve been watching it every week ever since I joined the PPC! The entire BAU is soooo awesome, and Spencer Reid is so dreamy… ”
Cupid laughed in mild embarrassment. “Well, that settles it, then. Shall we get started?”
“I don’t see why not,” said Lapis. “Do you guys have everything?”
“All of our agent gear is in my bag,” Sarah replied. “The C-CAD, the neuralyzers, RAs for all of us…”
“Actually, I can travel by plot-hole,” the blue-haired girl interrupted. “I spent most of my time at the Nursery practicing that skill.”
“How old are you, anyway?”
“Twelve. I was ten when I first arrived — my homefic was posted on deviantART, but my author had to leave that site for personal reasons, so he kinda got rid of the fic. It’s safe to say that I got aged up a little while staying here.”
“Aren’t you still a little… young for this job?” asked Cupid, checking his own Bag of Holding to see if his bow was still inside. “Yeah, I know, I look thirteen, but I’m at least thirty years old or so, so I don’t think that really matters here.”
“What did you think?” Lapis snarked before giving him an apologetic, razor-toothed smile. “Actually, the correct term is ‘inexperienced’. It’s part of the reason why I’m so nervous.”
“Hey, now, don’t sweat it,” said Sarah, patting her blue-haired friend on the back (“Ow!” she cried). “On the plus side, you’ll have more experience as an agent when you grow up than most of us around here. I joined last year, when I was sixteen, and I’m going to turn seventeen this coming June, so you’ll have more years of learning when you turn legal than I did.”
“A small comfort, I take it?” Lapis laughed nervously.
“Every little bit helps,” Cupid added excitedly. “Alright, troops! Let’s move out!”
Sarah dialed the entry coordinates on the console and opened up a portal in the middle of the RC. “We won’t need disguises, since there aren’t really any Suvian characters that I know of,” she said.
“But what if there are enemies of the author’s creation?” asked Lapis. “Like random mooks or that sort of stuff? Shouldn’t we at least worry about those?”
“We’ll deal with them when we get there. All we need to do is make sure nobody notices us. Ready?”
“I think so,” the ex-Sue replied in an uncomfortable tone as they stepped into the fic. “...Well, I hope so. It’s basically the same thing… isn’t it?”
Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds or Super Smash Bros.
A/N: This story is actually based off of a dream/nightmare I had. My sister, sugarhigh9394 , convinced me to write this because she said that it was a really good idea. Thank you sis!
Also, a HUGE thank you to pixeljam for giving me the name of the villains and the idea for the name of the story! Thank you so much!
Note: I wasn't sure where to put this so I've posted this story in three places: Criminal Minds/Super Smash Bros. Xover Archive, Criminal Minds Archive, and Super Smash Bros. Archive. All three of the stories are the same so you can read any of them.
The Author’s Note rang in the agents’ eardrums as they stepped into the pre-fic Generic Space. Sarah flinched and covered her ears, while Lapis let out a small shriek and cowered behind her.
“There’s already mention of OC villains, huh?” asked Sarah. “This’ll be fun. Once we get past how weird this crossover is, obviously.”
Cupid, meanwhile, was metaphorically bouncing off the walls with excitement. “I simply can’t wait to get this thing started! I’m gonna learn all about Criminal Minds and hang out with some crime-fighting detectives and introduce them to Super Smash Bros. , and we’re all gonna be Super Duper Best Friends Triple Deluxe Brawl X and Y and Knuckles for the 3DS/Wii U, featuring Dante from the Devil May Cry series!”
“Whoa whoa, hold your Horseas, buddy,” Lapis chided, her child-like voice contrasting with her serious tone. “We’re not supposed to interact with the canons, especially not in a crossover like this.”
“I swear to Iron Man, you’re like Pit on a glitter rush,” Sarah laughed. “Oh, I’m sorry, Angel Face, did I say that out loud?”
“Yep, you certainly did!” Cupid replied cheerfully. “So, how bad are crossovers like this, usually?”
“They can range from pretty innocuous to so totally mismatched that the timelines get completely screwed over,” said Sarah. “And yes, unfortunately, I come from one of the latter.”
“How bad was it?” asked Lapis.
“I’ll say this much,” Sarah answered. “Two continua can actually get along pretty well if you know what you’re doing. Eleven at once, though? Not a bleeping chance.”
Lapis cringed, and so did Cupid, which spoke volumes about what Sarah had implied given his perpetually happy-go-lucky disposition (along with the fact that she’d told him about this before at least once).
The agents ducked under some introductory quotes (“This is actually a thing with the Criminal Minds episodes,” Sarah noted), and by the time the first chapter title echoed overhead ( Chapter One: The First Strike ), they found themselves in some kind of stadium. They promptly took three conveniently empty seats as the fic properly began.
Pit Icarus watched with avid interest as the semi-final competitors in this year's Tournament square off. Link held the Master Sword easily in his left hand, while Marth had his own sword, Falchion, gripped in an offensive stance. Both swordsmen were calm yet tense, ready to spring as soon as the match began. They stood in the Smash Stadium, the crowd filling the large bleachers around them. The loud, booming voice of Master Hand— the leader of the Tournament— echoed around the arena.
“So, Pit has a last name now?” Lapis asked. “That’s… kinda new.”
“He had a last name in Cupid’s homefic too,” Sarah replied, shrugging. “Wait, a sword named after my brother? Uhhh…”
“The Falchion is canon to the Fire Emblem games, actually,” Cupid said helpfully. Then he saw his canon duplicate seated among the rest of the spectators, and his face lit up.
“Hey! That’s me!” the angel agent cried joyously. He stood up and waved, shouting, “HIIIII, DOUBLE OF ME!”
Pit actually heard Cupid’s voice over the din of the audience, and looked around at the agents in surprise.
Lapis freaked out right then and there, letting out a small scream (complete with the upper part of her face turning blue) before making a grab at her male partner’s arm. She missed, but managed to seize two fistfuls of white feathers and pulled as hard as she could. Cupid cried out in surprise and pain as he felt her yanking his wing, and was forced to sit back down to avoid getting plucked entirely. A moment later, Lapis grabbed the top of his wing and folded it in front of him, as though attempting to block him from view.
“Youdidn’tseeanythingespeciallynotacopyofyouwithadifferenttogahaveaniceday!” she said hastily in Pit’s direction, before turning back to her male partner. “Are you crazy?! You’re not supposed to let the canons know that we’re here!”
“But he knows about us, doesn’t he?!” Cupid protested. “I just wanted to say —”
“We are not talking to anybody unless they’re in Medical or FicPsych, you idiot!” Lapis shouted back, her jagged teeth snapping just inches from his face.
Sarah looked at Pit, and gave him a small wave, her face showing an embarrassed smile that seemed to say, “I’m not responsible for the behavior of my dumbflock partners.”
Pit waved back with a knowing smile, then returned his attention to the stadium battle.
“Soooo, saying ‘ Senpai noticed me~!!! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧’ would be a bad idea right now?” Cupid asked innocently.
“Of course it would!” Lapis replied in a flustered voice, watching Link and Marth engaging in battle. “What’s with you and Pit, anyway?”
“It’s actually a pretty funny story,” said Sarah. “But to cut to the chase, Pit really does know about the PPC, thanks to the total lack of a fourth wall in Uprising. And he knows us especially.”
The blue-haired ex-Sue folded her arms, glaring at Sarah. “And why is that , exactly?”
The Super chuckled and pinched Cupid’s cheek. “Because I was one of the people who bailed his sorry sacred buns out when this bozo was in his head.”
The Sue-wraith-turned-angel was all too willing to hide behind his wing this time, avoiding the gaze of both of his partners. “We’re done talking about this.”
The crowd went wild, and Marth's supporters rose to their feet, jumping up and down in excitement as they cheered for their favorite Smasher. The blue-haired prince grinned and rose his sword above his head, the crowd roaring in response.
“Wait, Marth won?! ” said Cupid, folding his wings behind his back with an audible fwoop . “What happened?!”
“That’s the thing about Smash battles,” Lapis reminded him. “Everything happens so fast that it’s hard to keep track. You can practically win a match in the blink of an eye.”
“Did someone tape the end of the fight?” asked the angel. “I blinked and missed it.”
The crowd's vigor died down a little but they were still loud, excitedly discussing the outcome of the brawl. Master Hand's voice echoed around the arena once more.
"The next fighters are—"
He stopped. Everyone quieted, their voices fading to stunned silence. No one moved. No one spoke. Everyone stared.
A black substance resembling swirling shadows had appeared in the center of the arena. As the crowd stared at it, it took shape, and an armored, helmeted being formed, standing directly on top of the logo for the Super Smash Bros. The being was tall and menacing, clad in armor that was pitch black with red stripes, a threatening arm-cannon where the right hand should have been. The helmet was almost shaped like Samus's, with a visor that completely hid the face of the being beneath it. The armored creature looked around at the silent, stunned crowd, and spoke, it's voice distorted ad robotic.
" Attack. "
Sarah stood up, her hand already reaching into her bag. With a little difficulty, she pulled out a huge, two-handed longsword, its five-foot blade etched with mystical markings that began to glow with a chilling ice-blue light. It was only because of her super-strength that she was able to take it out with one arm.
Cupid and Lapis both realized what was happening, and in an instant they had stood up as well. The angel agent took out his Angel Bow, its curved golden blades sporting heart-shaped holes and rubies along with a bright red handle. The homing shots fired by this bow could relentlessly pursue opponents, and he was quite sure that a few good rounds from it could easily take out the armored creature.
Lapis, meanwhile, had taken out a weapon of her own: a long, straight staff, its bright blue shaft looking like solidified water, but not quite ice. Each end of the staff sported a crystalline, triple-pointed blade, shaped like a crescent moon with an extra point jutting from its centerline. She hadn’t used her double-headed trident for a long time, and she could only pray to Kyogre that she still knew how to wield it.
At that same moment, Fifty more figures appeared out of the swirling darkness, and there was chaos. The armored intruders slammed their hands to the ground, like they were doing a strange taunt, and cracks raced along the ground, too fast for the eye to follow. Half the stands collapsed in a cloud of dust, taking it's occupants with it in a human avalanche. Spurred by the sudden attack, people screamed, becoming a raging stampede as they tried to flee. Blasts of red, fire-like beams shot from the attacker's guns and arm-cannons, making some victims scream in pain while others were vaporized completely.
The agents cowered in fright as an energy blast burnt twelve people to a crisp , and with a scream and a sudden blip , Lapis was gone. As Pit was swept away by the crowd, before managing to escape getting trampled by taking flight, the other two agents yelped in panic and looked around wildly, trying to find their partner.
A flash of blue on the upper parts of the stands caught their attention. The ex-Sue had somehow managed to teleport several hundred feet away from them, but she had ended up in the middle of the stampede of spectators.
“We need to save Lapis!” Sarah cried, preparing to take off, but Cupid stopped her, his wings glowing bright blue.
“If it weren’t for the fact that you’re a girl, I’d say that giant sword of yours would be useful for something other than compensating for a certain part of your anatomy right now. I’ve got the Wings of Icarus up-special from Brawl and a better range than either of you ladies. Cover me while I get to her!”
“Right!” the Super replied with a nod, deciding to ignore his rather lewd comment about the size of her sword for the safety of both of them.
Cupid took off, rising into the air a little unsteadily but managing to gain enough speed to avoid most of the incoming enemy fire, shooting heart-shaped blasts from his bow at the attackers the entire time; the enemy soldiers absorbed the shots into their armor, but at least they were being distracted. The Smashers were now engaging with most of the enemy soldiers in close combat, leaving the agents to try and rescue their partner. Unfortunately, a number of enemies had broken off and were now charging through the crowd in random directions, blasting at anything that moved.
The angel landed, free of the writhing mass, and charged one of the invaders, grabbing him and slamming the hilt of his right sword into the attacker's helmet.
Still deflecting incoming blasts, Sarah looked around and blinked in shock. It was as though a number of the bystanders had turned into a tangle of inky black worms, each as long as a small limousine and as thick as a man’s arm. The strange thing was not like the swirling black substance that the enemies had emerged from, but more akin to a living, moving creature. Its many thrashing tentacles seemed to expand outward like an octopus emerging from its hole, but Pit had indeed managed to move out of range as he slew the invader with his weapons.
“A ‘writhing mass’?” the Super agent mused to herself, staring in odd fascination at the thing. “That’s a… strange way of referring to a panicking crowd. And a bit creepy.”
She heard a fizzling noise behind her, and whipped round just in time to block another energy blast with her blade, its icy chill neutralizing the extreme heat. “Ah well, what can I do?” she continued, kicking herself almost lazily up into the air. “I kinda wish Pit had actually gotten snagged by those tentacles, though. Now that would’ve been a sight to —”
“Oh, never mind. Wish granted!”
It was actually Cupid who had flown a little too close to the Writhing Mass, which had lashed out with a tentacle and seized his ankle. One hard tug later, and it had enveloped him in its seething tentacles, concealing him from view.
“Cupid!” Sarah cried, flying towards the Mass and trying to get a clear view of the screaming winged captive trapped inside. “Cupid! Are you okay? I’m gonna get you outta there, pronto!”
Then she listened a little harder — and realized that his screams actually weren’t of terror, but of laughter. Helpless, hysterical laughter.
A moment later, the Pit lookalike shot out from under the Writhing Mass, but several dozen tentacles caught up with him before he could escape, and began wreaking havoc upon his pits, his tummy, the backs of his knees, and his larger-than-average feet, which had been rendered bare by the Mass’s movement.
“NOOOOOHOHOHOHO!!!” he howled, flapping his wings frantically and trying to pull himself free. “GET IT OFF! GET IT OHOHOHOHOFF!! ”
“I’m trying, Cupid!” Sarah yelped, flying about randomly before the bizarre scene.
Before she could move in, the Writhing Mass proceeded to roll over on top of her partner, bouncing down the seats of the stadium like a giant beach ball and landing with a plop on the deck below, with Cupid directly under it. On one side, his head and forearms protruded from beneath all those tentacles, his fingers clawing at the painted concrete… and on the other, his feet were trapped and helpless. His toes were pressed flat against the floor, the weight of the Mass upon his ankles stretching his wide soles and arches tight. Six narrow feelers began tracing their blunt points over his taut soles, and four thicker feelers with forked tips flickered against his arches like snakes’ tongues.
Sarah could only imagine how the poor laughing angel felt right now, what with tentacles of all sizes no doubt prodding and stroking every inch of tender bare skin they could reach. As Cupid would later recall, even a mob of tickle-hungry Monoeyes couldn’t quite compare to this (and yes, he spoke from experience).
“Hang on, I’m gonna get you outta there!” the Super agent called down to her angelic partner, attempting to get past the tentacles that were already aiming at her as well. “Oh man, I’m loving this way too much…”
The forked feelers began lightly pinching Cupid’s arches, and the pitch of his laughter shot up an octave, his cheeks flushing scarlet and his watering blue eyes widening in sheer ticklish agony. “WAHAHAAAAAAAH TOTALLY NOT HELPING, SARAHAHAAAH!!!”
Lapis, meanwhile, had gotten herself into a predicament of a different kind. She’d managed to escape getting trampled by the rest of the crowd, but four soldiers had cornered her, and she was desperately trying to fend them off with her trident, jabbing in random directions and deflecting one energy blast after another. When she tried to force one away, several more moved closer. Forced to move upward and backward, she was getting nearer and nearer to the rim of the stadium.
There are lots of disadvantages to having unusually-colored hair. Like being very easy to notice, for instance.
A desperate glance to the side allowed the ex-Sue to catch a glimpse of Sarah trying to get the Writhing Mass off of their partner, and she seized the opportunity. “SARAH! CUPID!” she shrieked. “HELP! HELLLLLP!!! ”
The soldiers opened fire, and she was forced to cower as the deadly laser beams whizzed over her head.
Sarah heard her partner’s screams, looking up to see her about to be forced off the edge of the stadium and no doubt to her death. Thinking fast, she dropped her sword with a clatter and swooped towards the Writhing Mass, with Cupid still trapped under it, dodging its lashing tentacles, and plunged her hands into its depths, grabbing fistfuls of what felt like non-stick tar. Lifting the creature high over her head — and biting her bottom lip to avoid bursting out into laughter herself as two of its tentacles began wiggling into her own sensitive armpits — she hurled it as hard as she could, angel and all, in the direction of the blue-haired girl, who naturally screamed, dropping her trident with a clatter, and hit the dirt, only for the Mass to land right on top of her anyway.
Briefly stunned from the impact, the Writhing Mass relinquished its grip on Cupid just enough for him to extricate his upper body, popping out of the top. At once, the gathering group of random enemy soldiers all aimed their guns at the former Sue-wraith.
Needless to say, he yelped and reached for the sky. “Eeek! D-don’t shoot!”
The Writhing Mass raised a lot of its inky tentacles high into the air in an imitation of his gesture, and that sudden movement was all the enemies needed to open fire. Cupid instantly ducked, and a dozen tentacles were vaporized a half-second later.
It happened almost too fast for the agents to follow. For each tentacle blown off, several more sprouted in its place, these ones bearing razor-sharp tips. They struck out at the oncoming enemy soldiers, slicing into their armor as though it were tissue paper. The Writhing Mass became a whirling dervish of deadly lashing appendages, each moving too fast for the soldiers to follow. Some tried to shoot at it, but only worsened the situation as even more spear-like tentacles joined the fight. A few moments later, the remaining enemies scattered in all directions, the narrative quickly reabsorbing them.
Cupid picked up his bow, which had also been snatched up by the Writhing Mass, and stood up shakily, wondering what that was all about. A large tentacle lightly tapped his shoulder, and a moment later, it stroked his cheek. He giggled and cuddled the tentacle in return.
“Awww, I think it likes you!” Sarah laughed, having put her sword away and flown over to join her partners.
Lapis too had begun crawling out from under the Writhing Mass, and a few moments later, she reached under it and pulled out her trident. As soon as she turned to see what was going on, shoving her weapon back into her bag at the same time, her face screwed up in an ‘eww’ expression.
“Now I’m disturbed on a number of levels,” she muttered, another giant sweatdrop sliding down her head.
“Why?” Cupid replied, stowing his bow back into hammerspace and motioning for the Mass to return his sandals. “I love getting tickled! What’s wrong with that?”
“I won’t judge, but I’m actually not that interested,” the blue-haired girl admitted. “What I’m more worried about is, well… Why did that thing start tickling you in the first place?! Usually, Bads and other Word-spawned creatures don’t do very much…”
“Apparently, the Words are customizing their effects based on our subconscious,” Sarah mused aloud. “Oh, dear… Is this coming from you guys or the fic itself?”
Cupid shrugged. “Honestly, I thought you were gonna say that you knew where this was going,” he laughed. “I’ve heard of enough horror stories from Bad Slash to answer that question.”
Lapis sighed a little white mushroom-shaped puff. “We can argue about that later,” she replied in exasperation. “We’ve got bigger things to worry about.”
“Huh? Whaddya mean, ‘bigger things’?”
“While you two were… busy, I found out what those enemies were called. The Milivoj . Pit unmasked one while helping Zelda and found that they were human. And then he… he got…”
She choked off. Cupid, Sarah, and even the Writhing Mass turned to her in anticipation.
“What did he do? The meanie Pit unmasked, I mean?” asked Sarah.
A Single Tear slid down the blue-haired girl’s cheek. “He… He stabbed him. And tossed him into the ocean. I couldn’t see what happened, I tried reading the Words but then the rest of them went after me, and… and…”
Everyone looked at her, the agents’ faces betraying horror at what had happened. Cupid actually had to sit down amidst the Writhing Mass, which draped a tentacle over his shoulder in an apparent gesture of sympathy.
“But… He can’t… He’s an angel, he can’t…” Sarah sobbed.
“He’s still alive, though, isn’t he?” Cupid suggested, slipping his boots back on for the second time that day. “I know I still am, and if he dies, I die…”
“You’re not like Pittoo,” Sarah said in a forlorn voice. “He was created from Pit. You were just a spirit who possessed him and mimicked his character.”
“And besides,” said Lapis, “I don’t think any PPC agent would ever have a special connection to a canon character. I don’t see how something like that could even make sense.”
His face fell, his wings drooping. “In that case, I guess… there’s only one way to find out whether Pit’s okay,” he said, holding up his RA. “Next scene?”
“Next scene,” the girls agreed simultaneously.
Special Agent Jennifer Jareau squinted in the darkness that was the road ahead of her, holding back a yawn. She felt like a wreck, four days with little sleep quickly catching up to her. The last case in Alabama had been harrowing and restless, the serial killer they had been hunting killing so frequently that it was a race against the clock. Twenty people total had been killed by the time they'd brought the man— a reclusive local— in.
Cupid was still shoving the Writhing Mass into his bag (albeit with quite a lot of difficulty, considering both its immense size and the incessant tickly movement of its sundry appendages) by the time the agents closed the portal behind them.
The three of them now found themselves standing in a strange forest, next to a lonely road with not a vehicle in sight. It was only because of the Words that they knew that JJ’s vehicle was heading down this road.
“Okay, this is new,” said Cupid, examining a random plant. “This place has more definition than I do! Are there better graphics processors in this other universe or… ?”
Sarah chuckled in slight embarrassment, rubbing the back of her hair. “Oh yeah, sorry about that! I kinda forgot to warn you — Criminal Minds is a live-action TV show. I guess this is what you get for not disguising yourself before jumping into a badfic. It feels so weird, being totally computer-animated in a setting like this. Kinda like in The Amazing World of Gumball. ”
“How do you think I feel?” Lapis asked sourly, taking out her spray-on hair dye and recoloring her hair (as her previous dye-job had been evaporated by the heat of the energy blasts that had been fired at her earlier). “I’m still 2-D, outlined, and shaded in flat-cel!”
The fic continued with its exposition, describing JJ’s experiences on the job and especially her encounter with a character named Izzy . Cupid and Lapis exchanged confused looks.
“Izzy Rogers,” Sarah clarified. “Otherwise known as ‘Lady X’ and ‘The Queen of Diamonds’. She was a psychopathic serial killer and a leader of a group known as The Face Cards. I’m guessing that this takes place just after Season Seven, which is when they first showed up.”
“I’ll take your word for it, I guess,” said Cupid. “You know a lot more about this place than we do.”
“I know more about the show ,” the Super replied. “Big difference. Anyway, maybe we should —”
"OH MY GOD!" JJ screamed, jerking the wheel to the side.
Her tires screeched in protest as she slammed her foot on the brake, grinding to an abrupt and jerky halt. JJ gripped the wheel tightly with white knuckles, staring at the heap of white that she'd spotted just in time. With the light of her headlights, she studied the vague, human shape, which lay unmoving on the road.
Oh my God! I hit him! Oh my God—
JJ opened her door and ran into the road, crouching down next to the unmoving shape. Closer inspection showed him to be a teenaged boy, no older than fourteen. He looked... fine. Not bloody and broken like she'd expected. JJ's brain caught up with her and she realized that if she had hit the boy, he'd have been thrown or crushed. The BAU agent checked for a pulse and found one, soft but steady. The blonde agent hesitated. Should she call 911 or check the boy first?
JJ studied the boy carefully, checking to see if he had suffered any injuries. Dark liquid on the concrete made her pause.
Lapis cried out in alarm and once again cowered behind Sarah, who instantly clutched her aching stomach while the scene shifted around them. After a moment of unsteady wobbling, the agents found themselves standing at the edge of the road where JJ’s car had stopped. Just in front of it, sprawled upon the asphalt, lay…
“ PIT! ” Cupid nearly shouted. But before he could move in to help, Lapis had stuck her arm out in front of him.
“No no, don’t!” the younger girl whispered in fright. “Weren’t you listening when I said that we shouldn’t interact with the canons? Pit may know you and Sarah, but I’m pretty sure that this JJ here does not .”
The angel agent pouted, his wings going limp. “But he’s hurt! A lot. I don’t know if we —”
“Hate to burst your bubble, Angel Face, but we’ll have to let JJ sort this out,” Sarah chided. “We haven’t even gotten our bearings on this fic yet, so it’s safe to say that we shouldn’t move in if we don’t know what we’re up against. Trust me on this — I would know.”
Upon noticing the wound on Pit’s body, JJ took out her cell phone and called someone called “ Spence ”, making the Super agent smile.
“Spence?” asked Lapis. Then she remembered something that Sarah had said earlier.
“Spencer Reid,” the older girl replied, confirming her partner’s suspicion. “My absolute favorite character from the actual show. And my author’s as well, while we’re at it — my boyfriend is even modeled off of him.”
Cupid gave her a disappointed look.
“Yeah, I know,” she said apologetically. “But I’d rather stick to my own continuum as far as relationships are concerned. Sorry, Cupid!”
The angel sighed, his wings fluttering idly. “So, when do we start Chapter 2?”
“Right about now, actually!” said Lapis. “We can skip the Author’s Notes and check out how things are going with Pit’s buddies back in the Smash Bros . universe.”
“Alright! Back to my home turf!” Cupid said cheerily, watching Sarah open up another portal.
Pit's dead. Pit's dead. Pit's dead.
The thought repeated itself mercilessly in Marth's mind as he stabbed another Milivoj, vision blurring with unshod tears. The prince had been fighting beside Link in the lower town when Zelda's scream had gotten the fighters' attention. Both swordsmen, along with many of the Smashers, had instinctively turned towards the spot, in time to see Pit plummet from the top of the Arena, disappearing from sight as he fell. When the angel hadn't flown back up from his descent, Marth had been swift to realize what had happened. Pit couldn't fly.
He fell into the ocean. He's dead. He's dead. He's dead...
This time, the agents decided to avoid the fight, hiding behind a random sign not unlike the ones from the Earthbound: Onett stage. They watched the prose describing Marth beginning to angst over the fact that Pit was presumably dead, but it didn’t last for long.
The Fire Emblem fighter conversed with Lucario, the Fighting-type Pokémon introduced to the Smash Bros. universe in Brawl ; the Aura Pokémon warned him that more Milivoj were coming. While the agents watched, Marth returned to the fray, only to notice that some of the younger Smashers had gotten cornered.
Lapis shivered in abject terror. She knew exactly how the Ice Climbers, the Earthbound heroes, and Toon Link were feeling right now.
Just then, another Pokémon appeared, just in time to protect the kids from the attacking enemies. The blue-haired Trainer gasped as she recognized Mewtwo, who was now receiving orders from Marth to take the kids to the Great Fox, the mothership of Fox McCloud.
A moment later, both the agents and Marth spotted Ike, the Commander of the Greil mercenaries, who had found himself surrounded by more Milivoj — which were in turn torn to ribbons by a certain Blue Blur.
“How soon do you think it’ll be before we jump back into the weird live-action world?” Cupid asked, watching Ike and Sonic argue for a few brief moments. “I know I can’t read, but even I can tell that this fight seems to be going a bit too… slow for comfort.”
“Everything waits for urple prose, alas,” said Lapis.
“Maybe we could skip a few things to save some time. Everybody’s already heading off to the Great Fox, so we can regroup on board.” said Sarah. ““You said you could travel by plot hole, Lapis? Can you try and get us in there?”
The blue-haired girl nodded and closed her eyes, trying to concentrate on the time when she’d watched a fellow Nursery kid playing Star Fox: Assault . A few moments later, all three agents yelped when they felt the ground vanish beneath their feet, Sarah only managing to catch them just in time. They floated down through the large plot hole and gently landed in one of the hallways inside the huge spaceship.
“Wow, it worked!” Cupid cried out in joyous surprise.
“I do a lot better with places I remember,” the ex-Sue explained. “It’s when I panic and make a plot hole as a means of escape that things get tricky.”
The agents made their way towards the hangar of the ship, just in time to witness a scene break (“ CMSSBBCMSSBB ”) whizzing past them.
Aboard the Great Fox, the silence was deafening. The escaped Smashers sat in the hangar of the Great Fox, settled in their usual, instinctive groups. The swordsmen and bounty hunters sat near the back. The villains secluded themselves. Fox and Falco were at the ship's controls. The children huddled in a group with the Pokemon nearby. Adrenaline still pumped through fiery veins, making them all alert and tense. The same thoughts ran through many of their minds:
We were just attacked. Smash World was just attacked. How did this happen?
The second scene shift had a more adverse effect on Sarah, who retched once and felt a trickle of vomit running down the corner of her mouth.
As the agents watched, R.O.B. began a roll call of the Smashers who had managed to escape in time. A moment later, Cupid let out a startled yelp, clutching his tummy and giggling uncontrollably.
“What was that?!” Lapis asked in a frightened voice. But then her question was answered when the floating white glove that had poked him just now floated up to her and gave a friendly wave.
“What is that?” asked Sarah, wiping the trace of puke off her lips.
Cupid looked at the glove as well. “Ohhhhh, I get it now!” he said after a moment. “It’s Master Hand! Well, a tiny version of him, anyway.”
“Master Hand?” asked Sarah.
“The creator of the Super Smash Bros. universe and also the creator of the World of Trophies,” the angel explained, politely shaking the mini-Master Hand. “He's usually the main antagonist of the games, though he's also playable in Melee if you hack them well enough.”
“And this mini-version would be ROB ,” said Lapis. “R.O.B. as a character is original to the Smash Bros. continuum, but he’s based on the Famicom Robot Operating Buddy sold by Nintendo after the Video Game Crash of 1983.”
“He ranked 18th on the tier list in the C-tier in Brawl , when he was first introduced,” added Cupid, opening up his bag to let ROB join the Writhing Mass inside.
Before the girls could react to this off-topic comment, however…
Guilt made Marth's throat tighten as he realized his fear had become a reality. They had left people behind.
Lapis turned slightly pale. “Wait… Does this mean…”
“Oh no,” Sarah agreed. “We left them behind as well.”
“Bowser, Diddy Kong, Yoshi, Game and Watch, Master Hand, and Crazy Hand are all MIA,” Cupid counted on his fingers. “Ganondorf is recorded as Deceased …”
“Well, fuck! ” Sarah swore, making the younger agents flinch. “Even if Ganondorf’s a power-hungry, Triforce-stealing meanie like Angel Face said about him, he’s still a canon! We’ll have to find him and get him to Medical ASAP!”
Lapis turned even paler. “So, we’re going to have to practically resurrect, neuralyze, and restore the Great King of Evil to the Smash Bros. universe?”
“More or less. Can you backtrack for us?”
“I can take us to before we boarded the Great Fox,” said Lapis, but before she could continue…
Marth swallowed, throat dry, and forced himself to speak. "He's dead."
The room became absolutely silent, the only sound being the Great Fox's engines. Everyone (including the agents, whose mouths had all fallen open at the exact same time) stared at Marth like he had grown two heads, eyes darkened with disbelief.
Red broke the silence. "What?"
"He's dead." It was Link who answered the Trainer's query, staring at his clenched hands.
Red's dark eyes were wide, almost confused. "What?"
"Pit's dead!" Link exploded, leaping to his feet. "He was stabbed and fell into the ocean!"
A film seemed to cover Red's normallybright eyes. "OOh."
His skin paled dramatically, going from a healthy tan to bone white. The Trainer blinked, unfocused. "I don't understand?" His voice cracked, and he covered his mouth, gagging.
Doctor Mario jumped to his feet, grabbing the Pokemon Trainer's arm and hurrying him out of the room. A second later, the sounds of retching and crying reached the Smashers' ears. Pichu whimpered and clung to Pikachu, whose eyes had gone wide, the deep brown shimmering with unshod tears.
Sarah retched as well, but before she could start raging over everyone jumping to the worst conclusion, she was interrupted by the sight of Cupid reaching into his Bag of Holding and taking out his bow, a bottle of dark red liquid, and a glass goblet decorated with animal heads.
“A Chalice from the original Kid Icarus game,” he explained, using the pointed tip of his bow to pop open the cork of the bottle.
Lapis noticed that the label on the bottle read “Bleeport Agiorgitiko”, and gave Cupid a very nasty look. Sarah’s expression was closer to annoyance and disbelief.
“Where did you get that?” the blue-haired girl whispered slowly, her tone sounding increasingly distressed.
“Nicked it from Rudi’s,” he replied, pouring some of the Bleeport into his Chalice and taking a few gulps.
“You’re not supposed to bring alcohol on missions!” Lapis snapped suddenly. “What would we have to say to the Flowers if you end up dying of alcohol poisoning?!”
“Hey, Bleeport is a Bleeprin-laced synthetic fortified wine,” Cupid replied, finding it easier to ignore the purple-prosed tears of the Pokémon among the crowed of escapees. “It’s not like it’s going to give me health problems or something. Besides, I’m an angel. I can *hic* handle it.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that you’re drinking it in the first place,” Lapis hissed. “The question is… Why? ”
Cupid took another mouthful of Bleeport, hiccuped again, and glared at her. “Because I hate wangst. Hate, hate, hate. ”
“Isn’t breaking down over the supposed loss of a close friend a plausible response?”
“But being so melodramatic about it isn’t,” he replied, before hiccuping again and taking another mouthful of Bleeport. “And how did they draw the conclusion that Pit was dead straight away? We later learn that Zelda saved him!”
“That doesn’t mean they learn right away,” Sarah chimed in. “But still, you’ve got a point. In a more realistic situation, wouldn’t everyone at least try to find the possibility that he was still alive before giving up hope? Any of them could’ve bailed him out at the last moment like Zelda did.”
“On the contrary, you probably would draw the worst conclusions if you’ve just escaped the equivalent of a terrorist attack,” Lapis replied sagely. “Fear and desperation make people act irrationally. My author and I both learned that the hard way.”
Both agents stared at her.
“I’ll explain once we’re done with this mission,” the ex-Sue added. “For now, we’ve gotta get Ganondorf to Medical. I’d rather not sit through any more of these Fake Tears, thank you.”
Cupid shivered uncomfortably at the prospect of rescuing the evil bearer of the Triforce of Power, but didn’t argue as he capped the bottle and put it and the Chalice away. “This chapter seems to be over anyway,” he said. “Let’s go!”
- Criminal Minds - “Crunk Daddy P”
- The Legend of Zelda - “Midna's Lament” (Super Smash Bros. Wii U Remix)
When you work in the Medical Ward of the PPC, you must be prepared for anything. Canons, agents, and bit characters alike tend to show up with the strangest of maladies and injuries, more often than not induced by badfics.
This mentality did not, however, lessen the surprise that the Nurses got when a rather large portal opened up in the middle of the ward, allowing a teenage girl with a black ponytail to haul in a much larger, muscular man with dark gray skin and flaming red hair.
“Is there a necromancer in the house?” Sarah called out frantically as several people rushed over to greet her. One of them was a seven-year-old angel with black hair tied in a bun, hazel eyes, and a cloud-colored toga.
“To answer your question, Sarah,” said Panacea, “none of us are foolish enough to tamper with the afterlife, but we do know how to revive those who have been killed recently. What happened?”
“Two words: Ganondorf’s dead,” Sarah replied. “How much time do you think it’ll take to bring him back?”
The angel nurse looked down at the evil king’s body, her face turning pale. “O-oh… I’m not sure, but… From what I’ve heard, Medical has helped canons recover from injuries that would have otherwise been fatal. It will probably take a couple of hours, though.”
“We’re gonna be busy for quite a while, actually,” said Sarah. “Long story. But yeah, make sure you get him back in working condition.”
She relayed the circumstances and the URL of the fic they were in, with Panacea and the other nurses nodding periodically. When she was done, she looked at the little angel and told her, “Tell Appledoc to tell Adam I love him.”
“Appledoc? Adam?” Panacea asked in total confusion. Then she got the last part of the sentence and said, “That bad?”
The Super rolled her eyes in dismay. “You can say that,” she said, and with that she stepped back through the portal.
Chapter Three: Angel
Doctor Spencer Reid hurried through the halls of the Behavioral Analysis Unit office with a sense of urgency rarely seen in the awkward agent. His tall, thin frame weaved between the few workers that remained at the headquarters, intent for the office that stood just at the other side of the bullpen.
It was well past midnight, and most sane people would have gone home long ago. However Reid, unlike the masses, was used to odd working hours. After all, serial killers on killing sprees rarely only worked from nine to five. But after the recent sleepless case that his team had been solving the past few days, even the genius had been ready to abandon the office and go home for some well-deserved shut-eye.
That was until he received the call. If anything could wake Reid up from zombie-like exhaustion, it was an urgent call from his panicked-sounding best friend at one in the morning. A call that, despite the lack of words exchanged, told him that something was very, very wrong.
Having rejoined her partners at the start of the chapter, Sarah caught sight of the canonical brunette brainiac and practically swooned. “Ahhh, Dr. Reid… If only I could get your autograph,” she chuckled.
Lapis jumped three feet in the air, elbowed her female partner hard in the ribs, and frantically whispered, “Sarah! Don’t scare me like that! And we’ve got a job to do, so just forget the autograph!”
“How many chapters are there in this thing?” asked Cupid.
“Seven in total, I think,” the blue-haired girl replied. “Though this thing’s been left hanging since late 2013 for some reason. If it’s this terrible, I’d hate to think about what would have happened had it continued.”
“Hey, it wasn’t that bad!” the angel snapped at her. “Almost everyone’s acting in character for the most part, stupid urple angst scenes notwithstanding, of course. Those and the Milivoj are the only real problems we’ve seen so far, I think.”
“And an idiot ball on the part of a lot of people,” Sarah added. “Then again, based on what Lapis said earlier, it actually wasn’t as unreasonable as such instances tend to be, all things considered.”
“Yeah, but Zelda could’ve at least said something sooner,” Cupid grumbled. The female agents chose to ignore him.
“We can skip this part, I think,” said Sarah. “This is just Hotch — oops, sorry, Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner — calling Dr. Reid over to break the news of JJ’s discovery to him. We’ll have to jump ahead to when they see Pit for the first time.”
“But I have no idea where to go,” Lapis replied uncomfortably. “You know this continuum a lot better than either of us!”
“Which is why I’ll lead the way,” the Super said with a smile, opening up a portal to just past the next scene break.
Approximately fifteen minutes later:
The agents stumbled, Sarah in particular experiencing an uncomfortable heaving in her stomach for a third time. A moment later, they were at the spot where JJ had found Pit; the BAU profiler had remained unmoving up to this point, as had the angel for obvious reasons.
In any other situation, Reid and Hotch's stunned expressions would have been humorous. Hotch's jaw was to the floor (read: his jaw had unhinged itself and dropped to the floor like in a cartoon ) and Reid's eyes were so big they looked like they were going to pop out of his head (read: they had practically doubled in size ) . Both men were pale, gaping like fish who had been pulled out of water.
There was no time for shock, however.
"Snap out of it guys, he needs our help!" JJ barked, not rising from her spot next to the wounded angel.
Hotch blinked once and recovered, instantly becoming professional (and reattaching his jaw back in its proper place without missing a beat) . "Doctor Sereto is on her way to your house. Do you think we can move him?" he asked with concern.
"He's an angel!" Reid gaped, still in shock (though his eyes had managed to shrink back to their normal size) .
"Reid, focus." Hotch ordered.
"He's an angel. " the genius repeated.
" Reid. "
Reid blinked. "Uh. Right. Sorry." His twitching and wringing hands betrayed his nerves.
Though the BAU officers had already returned to normal, Sarah was still clawing at her face, and Lapis had likewise grabbed one of her belt flaps and bit down upon it in order to keep herself from screaming. (Cupid, on the other hand, had burst into giggles.)
“I’d ask for some of that Bleeport, but I’m not legal yet,” the Super grumbled.
Lapis gave her an annoyed look. “Palkia’s tail, not you too! ”
“Did you see what happened to Spence, Lapis?! Having eyes as big as yours relative to your face looks a lot more disturbing in live-action than it does in your art style. Trust me.”
The anime-styled ex-Sue gave Sarah a burning glare that would have KO’d an Avalugg had the expression been taken literally, her Sharpedo-teeth bared and a bright red X-shaped intersection of veins appearing over her hair.
As the agents watched, Reid, Hotch, and JJ examined the Kid Icarus canon, and then helped lift him into JJ’s car. Before she could get in, however, she noticed Pit’s bow, and picked that up as well (after accidentally cutting her finger on its edge).
"Be careful with that." Reid cautioned, looking torn between excitement at the sight of an alien weapon and fear of said weapon. "We don't know what it can do."
JJ snorted. "What, do you think that it shoots arrows made of energy or something?" she asked sarcastically. She had no idea how right she was.
“Indeed she hasn’t,” Cupid chuckled quietly.
“We can skip ahead, I think,” said Sarah. “The latter part of this chapter involves the BAU taking Pit to JJ’s place, which is where Dr. Sereto first shows up in person. We may have to see if she can be assimilated, though — I don’t recall her being part of the show.”
One portal later, the agents sneaked into JJ’s house to watch the BAU members some more. Luckily, Dr. Gina Sereto — a petite black-haired woman with smooth olive skin, dressed in a white lab coat with a simple blue shirt beneath it — was fairly plausible for a Criminal Minds OC.
“I’ll let you be the judge, actually,” Lapis said to Sarah at this assessment. “Neither of us have seen the show, and my author only knew snippets of it while he was still on dA.”
“We’ll let her do her work, and once Pit’s all better, we’ll assimilate her into the canon,” the Super replied, nodding and holding up her RA. “For now, let’s move on to Chapter Four.”
A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Sorry for not updating for so long. Writer's block sucks. BTW, I recently discovered the "Review Reply" feature and now will be using it. Sorry for not responding to reviews before, but I didn't know how. (sheepish smile)
Also, I am completely hopeless with Mario, Wario, and Luigi's accents. Be prepared for horribleness in that area.
“Horribleness with accents?!” Lapis almost shrieked, having cowered in fear at the Author’s Note once again.
“I guess that’s what happens when all you have to go on is, ‘It’s-a me! Mario!’” Cupid quipped, ignoring the blue-haired girl’s irritated expression.
The agents hit the floor just as another scene break whizzed over their heads. A moment later, they were back on board the Great Fox — just in time for Sarah’s stomach to finally give in.
The dark-haired Super collapsed to her knees and proceeded to vomit all over the floor, just as the chapter title rang out.
Chapter Four: More Than He Seems
"Shouldn't we be there by now?" Sonic asked impatiently.
It had been hours since their hasty departure from Smash Stadium, and the speedy Hedgehog was bored. Being confined to a ship was not Sonic's definition of a good time. With all of the Smashers lying about or sleeping, he could not run around without tripping or slamming into somebody. Being hit at high speeds by a spiky Hedgehog would not end well for either party. So the Mobian was forced to impatiently wait, pacing rapidly back and forth in a small empty space near the cockpit of the Great Fox. Mario watched him tiredly, his blue orbs following Sonic's movements.
"Fox has-a had to redirect his path multiple times. The Milivoj are-a trying to track us." the plumber said. "He said-a something about tracking "hyperspeed"."
Sarah recovered from her nausea just in time to see a pair of round blue objects appear over Mario’s shoulders.
Cupid’s eyes lit up like a kid on Christmas day. “Eyetrack Orbitars?! Oooh, gimme!”
“Not yet!” Lapis hissed in her usual panicky tone. “We’ll have to wait until we’re done with this mission before we can pick up anything from the canons!”
“I know, but the charged shots from the Eyetrack Orbitars have the best homing of any weapon! They’ll be perfect for sniping, if only I could just get my hands on them!”
The blue-haired girl pouted, and promptly felt a third giant sweatdrop roll down her hair. “Only you, Cupid. Only you.”
Falco, who had just walked in, answered the Hedgehog's question. "We're going to Smash World's fertile moon."
Sonic blinked at him. "Fertile moon?"
"Yeah. It's pretty much a small planet. The atmosphere is breathable, there are forests and water everywhere, and there's even natural wildlife." the blue bird said, stretching a kink out of his back. "It doesn't reflect the sun's light like the other moon so many people assume Smash World has only one. Most people don't even know it's there."
The agents looked at each other, completely aghast.
“F-fertile moon?!” Lapis cried.
“That’s never been heard of until just now?!” Sarah added.
“Falco had a kink in his back?!” Cupid finished. The girls looked at him in annoyed confusion, and then returned to the topic at hand.
“What do we do?!” the blue-haired ex-Sue whispered in fear. “If this turns out to be a Suvian location, we’ll need to get the DOGA to help us out!”
“Whoa whoa, calm down!” Cupid replied. “Just because it’s an uncanonical location doesn’t mean it’ll disrupt the canon. The bird even said that nobody knows about its existence, so maybe if the Smashers keep it that way…”
“Good point!” said Sarah. “We’ll judge its worth when we get there, though. If we know it can be incorporated into this continuum without damaging it, we’ll leave it be.”
“Right,” Lapis replied, her voice still doubtful. “But there’s so many things that don’t belong here already. We don’t need one more.”
“Like Sarah and I said, it doesn’t have to belong,” said Cupid. “It just has to look like it does.”
Lapis had no answer for that, but her expression remained uneasy.
The agents watched Sonic converse with Link, who wondered about his purpose now that Ganondorf was presumably dead. And then…
Grief rose once more in the Hedgehog's chest and he found himself fighting tears. No. He would not start thinking about Pit. He would not. He could not. The angel was as chatty and cheerful as he, and the two had become fast friends when they had arrived at Smash Mansion after defeating Tabuu. Sonic remembered their official meeting clearly.
The world shifted around the agents, and Lapis actually screamed this time and collapsed to the ground, curled up in a fetal position. Sarah was looming protectively over her in an instant, ignoring her sudden dry-heaving, and only looked up just in time to see that Cupid had taken out his Chalice and Bleeport again.
“Uh, Cupid?” the Super asked worriedly, taking her eyes off of the sight of Pit exchanging banter with Sonic to watch the angel’s double pour another serving of the dark red drink. “Are you sure you wanna keep drinking that?”
The male agent was preparing to drink the Bleeport from the Chalice when he looked at her, confused and slightly offended. “Of course I’m sure! They’re making Sonic angst now! That’s just… unforgivable!”
“Why?” Lapis asked in a quiet voice. “It’s not like he hasn’t cried before!”
“No, Lapis,” he replied, before quaffing the contents of the Chalice in several great gulps. “Sonic never cries. *hic* Never. ”
“We just haven’t seen him —”
“I know enough about the franchise *hic* to know that angsting this much and this quickly is OOC, and if you’re *hic* trying to find a valid gamoto excuse…”
“ Valid excuse?! ” the ex-Sue snapped, her voice rising and her vicious teeth bared. “Don’t make me laugh! You’re just jumping to conclusions based on a faulty assumption like the imposter Gary Stu you once were!”
“Gary Stu? GARY STU?!” Cupid slurred angrily, before starting to rant and cuss in Greek. “I was an Impetus miserabilis , a Suvian *hic* embodiment of depression, and before I was torn away from my *hic* canon counterpart, I hated every single gami̱ménos moment *hic* of my entire Palutena-damned existence! And if you honestly think I’m *hic* making a faulty assumption just because I once *hic* made some poutanas gios stick dull razor blades in his vlakas CONDOMS, then Lapis Lazuli, you little *hic* blue-haired skatofatsa , you can go —”
“SHUT THE FUCK UP, BOTH OF YOU!!! ” Sarah yelled suddenly, making both of her partners whip round to look at her with abject horror. Before the canonical characters could notice them as well, the older girl had opened a portal and dragged them by the ears to after the end of the flashback, which had consisted of Pit telling Mario off for talking smack to Sonic. Cupid had just enough time to witness the present Sonic on board the Great Fox bursting into tears, but before he could lunge at him in a drunken rage, his partners cried out in alarm and ducked to the floor again for some strange reason.
Said reason became clear a second later. The angel agent’s head had a painfully unscheduled meeting with yet another scene break ( CMSSBBCMSSBB ), and just like that, his whole world went dark.
Chapter Five: Awakening
The first thing Pit was aware of was pain.
It started out distant and throbbing, barely noticeable at the edge of his consciousness. He ignored it at first, content to float in the unnameable blackness he found himself in. Soon after the pain crept up on him, vague thoughts returned, a sense of urgency nagging him along with the pain. Something had happened. Something was wrong. He had to wake up, now.
But Pit did not understand what could be so urgent. He did not want to wake up, increasingly aware that if he did, the pain he felt would become worse. Despite his mind's decision that it most certainly did not want to awaken, he could feel himself regaining consciousness.
As Pit woke up, so did Cupid. He was lying on his back, his wings folded around him like a feathery blanket, and Lapis and Sarah were both looking down at him with very disappointed expressions. The blue-haired girl in particular was holding his Chalice and Bleeport, and glanced at Sarah nervously every two seconds.
“I think you’ve had enough alcohol for today,” the Super said sternly. “Synthetic or otherwise.”
Cupid groaned and sat up, rubbing the contusion that had been left on his forehead by the scene break with his wing, though he didn’t know whether the headache he was feeling right now was from the impact or from a Bleeport-induced hangover. Then he noticed that they were in JJ’s house again.
“What did I miss?” he groaned.
“Not much, actually,” Lapis replied. “We neuralyzed Dr. Sereto after she finished up with Pit and left JJ’s house. For some reason, the fic referred to her as Gabrielle in Chapter 4, although she’d been called Gina in Chapter 3. I picked Gina because it sounded less Speshul, at least in my opinion.”
“I also told her a little about you,” said Sarah. “Specifically how I first met you. She says she heard a little about what you once were at the Purim party a while ago, but she wasn’t quite sure if it was really true.”
“Oh, it was,” Cupid grumbled, covering his head with his wings again. “I really did make Pit drink and cut himself. I mean, I know my backstory was reasonable if looked at in a vacuum, but I honestly had no idea that it wasn’t consistent with the canon.”
Lapis handed the Bleeport and Chalice to Sarah for safe-keeping, knelt down to peel his wings away from his face, and hugged him.
“Sorry for what I said earlier,” she said. “It was totally uncalled for. And yeah, I can relate. I never possessed anybody in my homefic, sure, but I know enough about what it’s like to say with confidence that you can do better than this.”
“But… but all this angst over the notion of Pit being dead …” Cupid began, but he trailed off. He didn’t want to tell her that said angst had reminded him of his past as a Sue-wraith, but he had a feeling that she knew that already.
Instead, he draped one of his wings around her, and said, “Actually, I’m the one who should be sorry. I shouldn’t have lashed out at you like that. And yeah, I guess I shouldn’t down so much of the Bleeport next time.”
Lapis gladly snuggled into his wing, which felt warm and soft and cozy — but not before replying, “Better still, don’t down any Bleeport at all.”
Before Cupid could respond, they heard a familiar yell. The agents looked up, just in time to see Pit freaking out and confronting the BAU team members — though as he was still recovering from his wound, he was understandably weaker than usual.
“And so the crossover interaction begins,” said Sarah.
“Crossover interaction?” asked Lapis skeptically, watching the BAU team introduce themselves to Pit. “But didn’t Pit stay at JJ’s house for like, the last three chapters?”
“Yeah, but this is the first time he’s talking to them,” Cupid replied. “This will be the real test of how they’ll react to me glomping the pretty JJ!”
Lapis glared at him, baring her pointed teeth. “Mental note: give Cupid a non-alcoholic drink spiked with Anti-Lustin when we’re done with this mission.” Turning to the angel agent, she said, “What this interaction means for us is that we’ll be able to see whether the BAU team will remain in-character. Though again, Sarah will have to judge that for us, since she’s the only one of us who has any idea what in Arceus’ name we’re supposed to do!”
Sarah’s expression turned downcast for a moment, but the next bit of dialogue happened before she could say anything.
"My name is Pit Icarus. What world am I on?"
Reid looked ready to burst with excitement, opening his mouth to ask a question. Hotch tapped his arm and the Doctor remained quiet.
"You are on Earth," Hotch said.
Pit froze, feeling like a deer in the headlights. "Earth?!" he forced out, voice cracking.
The three humans noticed his change in mood. "Is something wrong?" JJ asked, concerned.
Pit forced a shaky smile, glancing around the perfectly normal living room to reassure himself he was not in a lab. "Earth has a bad reputation in the Multiverse. A lot of people who come here... don't come back. Some of you are not friendly to... extraterrestrials."
It was so strange to call himself and his friends that. The other worlds in the Multiverse were so tightly knit— mostly thanks to Smash World and the Smash Bros Tournament— that they never referred to people from other worlds as "aliens" or "extraterrestrials". Hylians were Hylians, Pokemon were Pokemon, humans were humans, and so on. That was true for many of the worlds... except for Earth.
Earth was a unique planet. Its sentient populace was all humans and it had no magic or supernatural aspects. Because of this, its people sometimes found it difficult to accept supernatural things and things that did not happen on their world. Many Earthlings were easily captured by fear, including a fear of the unknown. The "unknown" including many people from other worlds.
“Oh, come on! ” the angel agent spluttered, wanting to take out the Bleeport again before realizing that it was with Sarah. “For crying out loud, my homefic involved a crossover with World One!”
“A crossover that led to you getting shot to death by some dudebro who was trying to rape your sister,” the Super said dryly.
“NEVER BRING THAT UP AGAIN! EVER!! ” Cupid shouted, making the agents cringe.
The conversation in the fic briefly stopped again, and the canons looked around for the source of the noise. “Uh, were you… shouting something just now?” asked Dr. Reid.
Pit looked around for a moment and then shrugged. “Y-yeah, I guess I was,” he stammered uncomfortably, glancing furtively towards where the agents were hiding. “I meant to say that I’m not an alien. I’m an angel…”
The three humans in front of him glanced at each other, and JJ scooted forward, resting a hand on the angel's shoulder. "Not all of us are like that."
"I know." Pit said simply. "But its still dangerous for me to be here."
Cupid flashed his canon double an apologetic look, but thankfully, nobody noticed him. Instead, the group segued into a conversation about how Pit had gotten here in the first place, during which the white-clothed angel first mentioned the Milivoj to the BAU team.
“Rule number one: when observing canons, keep your goddamn voice down! ” Sarah whispered harshly.
“I know,” the angel agent replied, blushing in embarrassment. “Sorry ‘bout that!”
“There will be no sorry if we’re in a continuum where the canons are actually dangerous, ” Lapis hissed in a panicked voice. “What if our next mission involves Godzilla?!”
Cupid blinked at her. “Who’s Godzilla?”
The blue-haired girl felt yet another sweatdrop slide down her face, and next moment, her shirt got soaked for a fourth time. “Tell you what, this coming Saturday will be our first movie night together, and we’ll be watching the 2014 Godzilla movie. My author sends his regards.”
Sarah smirked at her. “So… your author loves the Godzilla movies?”
“Long story short? Yes.”
“Ooh! Ooh! Can I make the popcorn?” Cupid asked. “I’ve seen enough of Pit’s services to Lady Palutena to have more than enough knowledge on how to use a stove!”
“Sure!” said Lapis. “I can’t cook to save my life, so that’s more than welcome!”
“And I’m mostly into baking, thanks to my time with the Girl Scouts,” said Sarah. “Though if anyone wants cookies, I’ll be happy to deliver. Anyway, let’s get outta here. This last part involves Dr. Reid concluding that Pit is part of the Smashers and the BAU knowing about the Smash Bros. universe. For some reason.”
“As in playing the games, or…” asked Cupid.
“No, the multiverse actually exists in this fic, and the Criminal Minds version of Earth is part of it.”
The angel and the ex-Sue looked at each other in disgusted shock.
“That bad, huh?” Lapis understated, the top half of her face turning slightly blue again.
“You bet,” said Sarah. “Let’s skip past the Author’s Notes and get to Chapter 6.”
Back on board the Great Fox, the agents took refuge in the Great Fox’s medbay , where Link happened to be resting next to a sleeping Zelda. The dialogue narrated Link’s thoughts on the Milivoj invasion, and the Hylian was too steeped in his own sense of loss and confusion to notice an angel in a pink toga eyeing him from afar.
“If only I could challenge him to a match or two,” Cupid whispered quietly. “I’d show that amazing blue-eyed hottie who’s boss!”
Lapis nudged his elbow. “You’re at work, Cupid! Don’t stray away just because you… like him…”
He blinked at her. “Me? How could I like him? He’s practically my greatest rival. Think about it — he uses the same kinds of weapons as I do, his first game was released in the same year as mine, his cheekbones look so awesomely chiseled that they could cut glass…”
Sarah giggled. “Well, if you want, go on ahead,” she said. “But maybe after we’re done. Or if they ever set up an OFU in the Zeldaverse or something.”
“Or a Smash Bros. one,” said Lapis. “Knowing some of the roster choices for the Wii U version, though, they’d better place an order for at least nine-thousand doses of Anti-Lustin in case you stop by.”
Sarah elbowed her female partner, and hissed, “What happens at the Purim party stays at the Purim party.”
Upon realizing what she’d just said, Lapis flinched and covered her face.“Sorry, sorry! That was totally uncalled for, I swear!”
“Hey now, it’s totally fine,” Cupid replied, patting her cerulean locks. “I understand that you didn’t know better, though given your age, I’m not surprised at all. Now shhh, Zelda’s waking up!”
“But still, just because you like Link doesn’t mean —” Lapis began, but then the dialogue resumed, so she decided to keep her mouth shut and shot him an annoyed look instead.
"Link. You're still here."
"Yes." he said. "I left for a while but came right back."
Zelda sat up, smoothing a few wrinkles from her dress before her wise eyes settled on the Hero. "Are you all right?" she asked perceptively.
Link shrugged. "I'm feeling a little... lost right now." he admitted.
"Because Ganondorf was killed," Zelda murmured intuitively. "You did not defeat him. The Milivoj, an outside force, did. That is something that has never happened before. Maybe it is not always his fate to fall by your hand."
"Maybe," Link said, only half-agreeing.
Zelda looked at him knowingly. "You feel as if you have no purpose, now that Ganondorf is gone. Don't worry, Link. You still have a destiny to complete."
Link resisted the urge to ask what she meant. When Zelda went all "Wise-Princessy" as Sonic called it, it was hard to get a straight answer out of her. She was always secretive when she was like this, knowing things she would not share until the time was right. This habit could be annoying, but it was also endearing to Link. Zelda's occasional mysteriousness was... attractive.
Lapis blinked at the Words. “Wait, Link/Zelda? But none of the Zelda games show any romantic attraction between them…”
“Actually, Skyward Sword does,” Cupid clarified. “And the American Zelda cartoon attempted to do that too, but it wasn’t official until Captain N: The Game Master. ”
The ex-Sue gave him a sideways glance, looking a little miffed yet again. “For someone who knows even less about what to do than I do, you sure do know your Nintendo continua.”
“Well, ex- cuuuuuse me, princess!” the angel said mockingly, before ducking when she aimed a swipe at him.
The Great Fox touched down upon the uncanonical second moon of the Smash world, landing in a hangar with a metal floor and ceiling along with stone walls. The agents snuck out after the rest of the Smashers, and followed them towards a secret elevator.
“But how do we get to where they’re headed?” asked Sarah. “If we tried to squeeze in, we’d be noticed in an instant!”
“Leave it to me!” said Lapis. “I’ll listen to the Words and try to find an opening.”
“I swear to Lady Palutena, if you get us stuck in a wall…” Cupid began muttering, but Sarah placed a hand on his shoulder in a silent gesture of “STFU”.
Sadly, it was too late to stop the Ironic Overpower doing its work, and next moment, the agents found themselves fumbling about in a rather cramped cavity, with generic stone on all sides. It was lucky that the plot hole had caused all of the rock caught within it to vanish into nothingness, leaving an air pocket inside the wall close to where Link, Marth, Mario, and Zelda had gathered.
“Ow, that’s my pinky toe!” Cupid cried in the pitch blackness.
“If you hadn’t opened your big mouth, I could’ve gotten us to a safer place!” Lapis snapped at him, nearly biting off his ear. “Now look what you’ve done!”
“Why must you take the lead with everything? Doesn’t Sarah have more experience than either of us?!”
“She doesn’t know Smash Bros . like you do! If only you could actively put your knowledge of the canon to use for something other than rattling off unnecessary trivia!”
“Hey, not all the stuff I say is useless!”
“What difference does it make?! You’re so carefree and ignorant that you have no idea how to handle the Duty at all! Why did the Flowers even agree to assign you to an Action Department?!”
Fed up with the argument, Sarah punched the wall with such force that a large crack appeared leading to the outside. It wasn’t enough to break the wall down, but it at least provided some fresh air and a little light.
The noise made both of the younger agents stop quarrelling, and they looked at the crack in utmost fear. The canons beyond the wall had briefly paused mid-thought as well, wondering what had made that awful sound.
“Ladies, please, you’re pretty,” the Super agent whispered, “but if you keep squabbling like this, you’re gonna give us away prematurely!”
“But why don’t we act now and just get this mission done already?!” Lapis replied, her voice quivering with fright. “Or is it just that you’re gonna have us drop in at a more strategic time?”
“It’ll come to that, eventually,” Sarah replied. “Just give me a moment to think of a — ”
“Eventually?!” Lapis hissed. “Do you even know what in Arceus’s name you’re doing?!”
The dark-haired girl looked at her partners with sudden guilt. “Sorry for not telling you this sooner, guys, but… No. I’ve been improvising the entire time.”
“WHAT?!” both of them shouted simultaneously. Before they could realize what they’d done, Sarah had shushed them again. The canons briefly stopped their conversation, just as Zelda had finally revealed what she’d done earlier, but continued a moment later. The SEP fields were working better than the agents had thought.
“What do you mean?!” Lapis whispered in horror. “We’ve been relying on you to walk us through our first mission this entire time! If you can’t lead us, who can?!”
“I know I can’t,” Cupid pointed out. “Without a goddess to guide me, I’d have no initiative aside from drinking and shoving my face into people’s cleavage!”
Sarah gave him a harsh look, which quickly turned apologetic. “I will concede that I’ve went on four missions before being assigned to this department, including the one that landed Angel Face among our ranks. But in all of these missions, I relied on somebody else to call the shots. I’m more used to following orders than giving them.”
“But this is our first mission, ever! ” Lapis pleaded. “We know even less than you do! In terms of experience, we’re practically blind newbies looking to a metaphorical one-eyed queen, or at least a team leader. You may not have tried taking the wheel, but you at least have some idea of how missions go! Right?”
Sarah paused to consider this, and then shrugged. “I guess you’re right. I’ve seen how missions work before. But spearheading one? That’s new, at least for me.”
“Hey, everything’s new at some point,” Cupid said to her. “I would know. Like getting a new body, being tickled for the first time, and for Lady Palutena’s sake, existing outside of Pit’s brain in the first place — those were all things that I had never even known about before until they happened to me! As you yourself would say, ‘don’t knock it ‘till you try it.’”
Sarah looked into his large blue eyes, illuminated by the dim light shining through the crack in the wall, and for a split second, she would swear that his words seemed to have come from someone thousands of years older than he looked, just like Pit’s advice in the flashback sequence from earlier in the fic.
Then again, of course, Cupid was only a few years short of thirty.
"Who is on his own?" a voice asked.
The four Smashers turned, to find Red, Lucario, and Red's three Pokemon standing behind them. The Pokemon Trainer's face was pale, a haggard, strained expression on his face. His eyes were puffy and red from crying, the brown irises dull and devoid of the usual happiness t shone within them. Link looked at his friends, and wondered if he had the same, nervous expression on his face that they did. Slowly, Marth stepped forward, placing his hands on Red's shoulders.
"Red... Pit is alive."
There was a long silence. The Pokemon Trainer stared at him for a solid minute, not moving. His mouth moved wordlessly and his arms hung limp at his sides. The Pokemon were just as silent, eyes big and mouths open with shock. Then, the silence shattered.
" WHAT?! "
The agents heard the WHOOSH of another scene break passing by, and the world shifted around them. Next moment, they tumbled out of a closet in JJ’s house, ending up on top of each other in the middle of a pile of random clothes.
“Oh yeah, I totally forgot… Why didn’t Zelda say something sooner?” Cupid groaned from the bottom of the pile.
“Because she was unconscious,” said Lapis, pulling herself out and helping Sarah off of their partner. “Didn’t you notice that?”
“Actually, no,” the Super replied, before retching once again. “We kinda got caught up in so many other things —”
“Like a creepy tickle-obsessed tentacle monster, for example,” Lapis finished, earning a dirty look from Cupid and an offended spasm from the Writhing Mass inside his bag.
The agents snuck through the house to where Pit had taken a long nap, just as the narrative began describing him waking up. Silently, they observed him meeting Hotch in the kitchen and helping himself to breakfast. Cupid watched his counterpart longingly, wondering if he could steal some frozen waffles as well.
“We’ll get some food after we’re done, I promise,” Sarah whispered, having noticed her male partner’s expression.
“As long as it’s not from the Cafeteria…” Lapis began, but she was cut off by Cupid patting her head.
“The Cafeteria food tastes as good as any,” he said. “At least to me, it does.”
“How do you stomach it?” Sarah asked in surprise. “Most people don’t. I usually can’t.”
“Floor ice cream gives you health!”
Both female agents stared at him, but they were interrupted by the sight of Dr. Reid entering the room, followed by JJ. The group then discussed the Milivoj and the possibility that they would attack Earth, and then prepared to assemble the rest of the BAU team. Pit was silently thankful that these people were willing to help him. They weren’t like the Milivoj at all.
“This chapter ends here,” said Sarah. “The team never gets anywhere after this, though, because the last chapter released so far doesn’t involve them. Y’know what, we’ll have to split up. You two will have to head back to the Smashers. I’ll stick around to help the BAU. And maybe get an autograph from Spence while I’m at it.”
Lapis looked at her in stark terror. “Y-you mean… You’re gonna send us back to the Smash world alone?! ”
The black-haired Super turned to look at them, her countenance as serious as Hotch’s. “I won’t be of any help where you’re going, I’m afraid. I already said that I’m not familiar with Smash Bros. , and I certainly know less about it than either of you. Especially you, Angel Face,” she added, poking Cupid’s tummy.
He flinched and giggled, but then his wings stiffened and his expression turned aghast. “You mean I’m going with the big-eyed, bitey wet blanket?!” he gasped. “H-how are we supposed to clean up after the badfic if she keeps picking on me?!”
“I’m trying to get you to focus on the Duty!” Lapis responded in panic and annoyance. “I’m the youngest agent in our RC and you’re the big baby? How ironic!”
Sarah put her hand on the younger girl’s shoulder and sighed sadly. “I’m sorry, Lapis, but you two will have to handle the rest of the Smashers without me. I know it’s hard for a first-timer, but I know you can do it. Pit defeated Medusa twice, and turned Hades into a disembodied voice all by himself. Who knows what a duplicate of him can do?”
“Well, I had help — uh, he had help from the Great Sacred Treasure,” Cupid pointed out.
“I know, but still. Don’t give up hope just because you’ve got big things ahead of you. I’m sure you two will know what to do.”
Lapis was surprised to feel the older girl kiss her on the forehead, and blushed a little.
“Good luck!” the Super told her partners. “I’m sure you’ll need it.”
“I’ve been here for two years and she gets to be the bossy one?” Lapis muttered to herself, embarrassed, before stepping through the portal Cupid had opened up to Chapter 7.
Chapter Seven: Hunted
Word of Pit's survival spread through the Mansion like wildfire. Those close to the angel snapped out of mourning, the younger ones running through the halls and shouting with joy and glee. The older ones went about their business with a spring in their step, and even the darker Smashers seemed less angry at the world. Many of the fighters had lost someone at least once in their lives, and the news that a friend/ally/comrade thought dead was actually alive lightened their hearts and turned on a fire in their spirits.
Those most knowledgeable about invasion and warfare were discussing the Milivoj. They were trying to figure out the invaders' motives, what their endgame was, and where they might have taken the Smashers they had captured.
“Where indeed,” Lapis whispered. “Because the fic didn’t say anything about that at all, they’ll likely be held in some out-of-fic space or something. We’ll need to find it and get them back.”
“But how do we know where that space is?” asked Cupid. “From what you’ve said, you can’t just jump into it via a plot-hole. Your last attempt to do that got us trapped in a wall!”
“Because you just had to mention exactly that,” the blue-haired Pokémon trainer grumbled bitterly.
The two of them followed Sonic and Snake, who were navigating the lowest level of the mansion . This level consisted mostly of storage, filed with an assortment of items ranging from a canned food pantry to Smash Balls.
“Finally, food!” Cupid whispered, but Lapis gripped his wing feathers before he could run off to find it.
And just in time too, for Sonic and Snake had entered one particular room, the one the latter had been looking for.
The room was filled with shelves full of weapons ranging from guns to swords to bombs. It only took a glance to realize that this arsenal was not the safe harm-only items used in the Tournament. These were real, lethal weapons, meant to spill blood and kill opponents.
"What is this?" the Blue Blur whispered.
"The armory," Snake replied. "Swords, guns, daggers, bows, bombs, even a couple bazooka's. Think of a weapon, and you can probably find it here."
Sonic shifted on his feet nervously. "...Nuclear weapons?" he joked weakly, dearly hoping not.
The man snorted. "Any weapon within reason. " He walked past a few shelves, muttering to himself. "No... No... No... Here we are!"
He halted in front of the rows on the far right of the room, taking a pistol off the shelf and hefting it experimentally. Sonic quirked an eye-ridge at him.
"What's wrong with these?" he questioned, gesturing at the shelves Snake had passed.
"Those are energy-based weapons," the man explained. "Blasters, laser swords, energy bombs, etc. None of those are affective against the Milivoj. Their armor appears to be immune to energy-based attacks. These on the other hand—" He lifted the pistol, sighting down it and looking like a kid in a candy store. "—are metal, and can pierce their armor and kill them."
Lapis shivered uncomfortably. “Guess that limits our options,” she said. “At least my trident is good for slicing stuff up.”
“And my Angel Bow splits into blades for close combat,” said Cupid.
“But from what we saw in the first chapter, there were so many Milivoj, and just two of us!”
“If we can convince the Smashers to help — well, once the fic’s done playing with them, that is — we may have a better chance.”
“But there’s only like, thirty-seven fighters, plus us two.”
“We fought our way through literally thousands of enemies in the Subspace Emissary. This shouldn’t be too much of a problem.”
“Yeah, but they’ll just keep on respawning. We’ll have to find the fic space they’re coming from and destroy it.”
“Like killing a queen bee to get rid of the swarm?”
“Or you could just sic Yveltal on them and be done with it.”
“Would that work?”
“No! Well, uh, I… I don’t know. But that’s not the point I’m trying to make here.”
Before Sonic could respond to the longest speech he had ever heard from Snake, Peach appeared in the doorway, pale and wide-eyed.
"You need to come and see this," the normally perky Princess said in a soft, worried voice.
The Hedgehog and human glanced at each other before they exited the armory, Snake locking the door behind them. They followed Peach up into the large living area , the agents following them surreptitiously . The Smashers were all gathered around the large television, staring intently at the screen. It was a news report outside of the City Hall, and standing next to the reporter was...
"Is that a Milivoj?!" Sonic demanded, glaring at the armored human.
It was indeed one of their attackers. He wore the black, red-striped armor of the Milivoj, with a special emblem on the front, but his helmet was off, revealing his face. He looked like a normal guy, with dirty-blonde hair and blue eyes. Sonic had to admit that he looked much less menacing when one could see his face.
Lapis ‘eep’ed and hid behind Cupid’s wing. “I don’t care if he’s not wearing his helmet, he still looks scary!”
“That must be their leader,” the angel thought aloud.
"You missed the first part," Red said rapidly. "He introduced himself as a Milivoj and went on to say that they were the protectors of the Multiverse, and had an important announcement to make to everyone."
"How could he—?" Sonic began but Mario shushed him.
"We'll-a see why no one is-a arresting him for-a attacking us."
" People of Smash World. " he began. " You have been deceived. "
"That's one way to grab people's attention," Falco muttered.
The others told him to be quiet him as the Milivoj continued. " For years you have relied upon the protection of the so-called "Smashers", a group of "heroes" that saved the Multispace from the entity known as Tabuu. However, certain information has been kept from you, the first of which is that Tabuu was created by none other than Master Hand himself. "
"Is he doing what I think he's doing?" Roy demanded, eyes wide. "Please tell me he isn't doing what I think he is!"
“This is not good,” Lapis understated, but then she noticed that her partner had gone. “Hey, where are you going?!”
Cupid had crept up to the group of canons, keeping one eye on the broadcast and one eye on Mario. The Eyetrack Orbitars were still hovering over the plumber’s shoulders.
" The Smashers are not heroes as they made you believe, but a damage control team sent in to clean up their leader's mess. " the Milivoj stated, voice tight with righteous rage. " I come before you to open your eyes, and tell you the truth that you might not believe. The Smashers and the Hands are nothing more than frauds and their "Tournaments" are only a front to cover their real agenda. They were brought together with one purpose, and one purpose only: to keep your World under their control. They are the Hands' personal army, consisting of powerful fighters that exhibit totalitarian law, and keep you all under their power without you even knowing it. Master Hand has made "donations" to many of your government officials, buying them out and pushing for laws to be passed that benefit him and the Smashers. It is not about helping you and keeping your world safe, it is about absolute control. "
Ignoring Samus’s cry of "This is bullshit!" , Cupid moved in total silence, listening to the Milivoj leader’s speech on how the Smashers were apparently corrupt and how they had presumably staged the attack on the stadium. He was now just feet from Mario, and if only he could just reach out, take the Orbitars, and get out of there…
A movement made him look around. Lapis was gesturing at him frantically to get as far away from the canons as possible.
" Today, the Smashers showed their true colors, attacking and bombing the stadium in which their "Tournament" was taking place. It was the first step in their planned coup to overthrow your government and openly seize control. " The Milivoj paused and a saddened expression appeared on his face. " Now all Smashers were involved in this quest for power. During the attack, Pit Icarus tried to assist civilians and stop his former "allies", only to be murdered by none other than Link, "Hero" of Hyrule. "
"WHAT?!" everyone , including Cupid, shouted.
The SEP field around the angel agent was powerless to stop all of the Smashers turning to look at him. A short distance away, Lapis felt like she was going to faint.
“ Pit?! ” Marth, Link, Red, and Mario all cried out in unison.
“Guys! The report!” Peach called out urgently, causing everyone to look at the screen again. The program was showing camera footage of Pit falling off the top of the stadium. Then it returned to the Milivoj captain.
" As you can see, you have been deceived. The Smashers are not heroes, they are manipulative, cruel villains that have gained your trust through lies, murder, and deception. They are criminals, and the Milivoj have taken up the task of taking them down. But we need your help. If you know the location of any of these terrorists, contact us at this number. " A number appeared on the screen. " Help us make the Smashers pay for what they have done. Help us bring them to justice! "
The report ended with the anchor telling viewers the number once more, and what to do if they ran into one of the "armed-and-dangerous" Smashers. Samus grabbed the remote and turned the television off, slamming the device down on the table hard.
There was a beat of dead silence. And then Cupid raised a hand in greeting and nervously chuckled, “Uh, h-hey guys! Heheh, h-how’s it… going…”
Next moment, all of the Smashers were crowded around Cupid, who immediately started trying to explain that he was, in fact, an exact copy of the canonical angel, created by Palutena to contain a dangerous spirit.
“Where were you?!” cried Lucas.
“We were-a so worried —” Mario began, before trailing off.
“I knew my spell worked…” Zelda nearly sobbed.
“Guys! GUYS!” Cupid shouted. “Oh for the love of — I HAVE TO SPEAK TO LADY PALUTENA, RIGHT NOW!!! ”
Everyone stopped talking. They all looked at him, their expressions fearful. Never had they seen their beloved angel friend looking so angry before.
“But… We can’t just drive you all the way back to Skyworld!” said Falco. “The Milivoj would find out that you’re alive and try to kill you on the way there!”
“You won’t have to,” Cupid replied. “I’ve found a way to get there without tipping anybody off. I have to do it alone, though.”
“Why? Why not take us with you?!” Link asked.
The angel agent’s gaze seemed as old as the hills when he responded. “Because there are things going on here that you would be better off not knowing about.”
The other Smashers murmured amongst each other, confused. But before they could say anything, a voice cried out, “CUPID! CLOSE YOUR EYES!”
He spun around to see Lapis holding up her neuralyzer, and instantly understood. He covered his face with his hands just as the device went off with a FLASH!
“You did not get interrupted mid-conversation by a winged idiot in a pink chiton,” the blue-haired trainer said quickly. “You have just discovered that the Milivoj are trying to frame you and you have no idea what to do next. Pit is indeed alive, but MIA — and he certainly isn’t standing in the middle of the room with all of you!”
With that, Lapis pocketed the neuralyzer, and while the canons stood there in a temporary daze, Cupid took the opportunity to snatch the Orbitars from Mario and make a run for it. A moment later, the fic’s narrative took hold of the Smashers once more.
The blue-haired girl had no less than five cross-popping vein icons on her head this time, and not only that, the top half of her face was bright red, and her pointed teeth were grinding together. Cupid would swear that he even heard steam coming out from her ears as well.
“ Cupid! ” she snarled, half-enraged and half-terrified. “Do you know what you almost did?!”
“I got what I came for!” Cupid protested. “And I would’ve convinced them to back off anyway! Isn’t that enough?!”
“You almost gave us away, you little baka! I did what I had to!”
“We’re almost at the end of the chapter! The Smashers won’t know what to do without someone to help them out!”
“Yeah, but waltzing into a room full of canons in the middle of a badfic?! Who does that?! ”
“Just let me talk to Lady Palutena. I have to tell her everything.”
“And risk blowing the mission again?! ”
“I’ll wait until I’m sure the chapter is over this time! Don’t worry, I —”
“You think I shouldn’t worry?! This is our first time, and if we don’t know what to —”
“ I know what to do.” His expression was unusually collected for such a hyperactive character. “But I’ll need all the help I can get.”
Lapis looked at him, her mind clouded with uncertainty and fear, but she didn’t argue. “I hope so,” she said. “And if all else fails, just use your neuralyzer and run. ”
“And I know that was selfish and irresponsible of me, what I did just now,” the angel replied. “I should’ve just waited until we explained everything. But I just couldn’t help but get those weapons! How was I supposed to pay the Armory for stuff like this?”
“You’re always selfish and irresponsible,” said Lapis. “Then again, I’m argumentative and nitpicky myself. I guess we should’ve expected a slip-up like this. But still… ”
“I know, I know. I’ll get this taken care of, and that’s a promise.”
He wrapped his wing around her like a feathery blanket, and she smiled a little. “Good luck,” she said.
Cupid nodded to her, and opened up a portal to step through, leaving the blue-haired girl to try and explain to the Smashers what little she knew. This was going to take a while…
Kuro could feel his hands trembling as he stared at his reflection, the memory making the hollowness he felt even greater. He did not like grief, he did not like sadness, and he most definitely was not going to cry. So he changed his grief into a more familiar emotion: anger.
His shaking hands clenched into fists and his crimson eyes hardened. Fury became his primary emotion, because he could not and would not grieve. He would not be weak. Emotions like this were for Pit, not him. Pit, who was now dead. Murdered.
Kuro sneered at his reflection, hitting the water to break up the image of the black-haired, red-eyed, black-clothed and winged angel that glared back at him. His face was the exact same as Pit's and he found that he could not bear to look at it any longer. But he was not sad. He wasn't. He was angry.
The black-winged angel sensed a familiar presence behind him but did not turn.
"Is it true?" he demanded, but his voice was soft.
Palutena— Goddess of Light and mother-figure for both Pit and Kuro— kept her silence. Kuro slowly turned towards her, looking at her with burning crimson eyes.
"Is he really dead?"
The beautiful Goddess closed her eyes. "I cannot sense Pit any longer. Wherever he is, I cannot reach him."
Kuro flinched and transferred his intense stare to the floor, jaw clenched. "So he really is gone. They killed him."
Having skipped past another flashback sequence, which described Pit’s telepathic link with Dark Pit (the character known as Kuro in the fic), Cupid hid behind a column, closing the portal behind him, and watched Palutena consoling Dark Pit and advising him against falling for his rage, confused and more than a bit concerned. He was quite sure that if Pit really was dead, then Dark Pit would be as well.
Palutena gave Dark Pit an odd bracelet that was infused with magic to conceal his wings, and advised him to think before he did something that couldn’t be undone. Then Dark Pit headed out on his mission: to kill the ones responsible for presumably murdering Pit. Knowing what he’d just seen, the Smashers were his first targets.
The Goddess of Light watched him go, wondering if her wisdom really was going to sink in. Then she closed her eyes and sighed wistfully.
“He’s on Earth, isn’t he?” she asked to nobody in particular, but the resonance of her voice in Cupid’s head made him realize something else.
She was talking to him .
The pink-robed angel stepped out from behind the column and kneeled before the goddess. “It’s a pleasure to see you again, Lady Palutena,” he said solemnly.
“Same to you, Not!Pit,” she replied, smiling serenely and turning to him.
“Actually, it’s Cupid now. Cupid Carmine. But… How did you know?”
“I can read your thoughts. You’ve seen where he is?”
He paused, unsure of what to say. “Y-yes… Well, he’s with these people known as the BAU…”
“The Behavioral Analysis Unit,” Palutena mused. “Now, how did that TV show get involved in this mess?”
Cupid blinked in total surprise. “Y-you know?!”
“I told your friend about infinite wisdom. I guess you should’ve known yourself, seeing as you possessed the captain of my army. You know most of his thoughts, don’t you? And that I communicate with him via telepathy on missions?”
“Y-yeah. I do. But does this mean you know —”
“—that the Milivoj are not part of the Multiverse at all? I suspected as much, but I needed someone to observe them before I could draw a solid conclusion. So thank you for doing me that favor, Cupid.”
“I… uh… You’re welcome, I guess,” he said with an embarrassed laugh. “So, what do we do now?”
“The Smashers are innocent, and we both know that. But nobody else does. Someone has to prove that the Milivoj are the real threat. We’ll have to show what they’ve done to everyone.”
“But getting rid of them is the bigger problem,” said Cupid. “They’re not like the Underworld’s army. They’re genuinely lethal, and they vastly outnumber us. We won’t stand a chance!”
“I’ll see if I can get some backup,” replied the green-haired goddess. “For now, though, I could use your help.”
“Lemme guess,” he replied uneasily. “You’re gonna drop me among the Milivoj and tell them that I’m the real Pit?”
“That’s… more or less what I was thinking. They won’t care if you dress differently — they’ll be expecting that. But the notion that Pit’s still alive will throw them for a loop. It’ll leave them vulnerable.”
“I’ll need to set up a big comeback scene,” Cupid said uneasily. “And we’ll need to get the real Pit back and recover the captured Smashers to boot. And what about Pittoo? How will we convince him that he’s going after the wrong people?”
“Don’t worry,” Palutena replied. “Once we expose the Milivoj for what they really are, the rest will be easy. You can even press charges for your grand entrance, considering that it’s what you’re supposed to do.”
“But we usually move in during the ending of a badfic, and the author never wrote an ending for this one. So, how do we resolve that , Lady Palutena?”
The Goddess of Light flashed a radiant smile. “Easy-peasy. We’ll write one for her.”
“Oh. My. Gosh, ” said Penelope Garcia, almost completely lost for words. The technical analyst of the BAU had just streamed the broadcast by the Milivoj onto her computer at the BAU headquarters, courtesy of her ability to somehow hack into the SNN website. And boy, had her efforts paid off.
“Nothing good, I take it?” Derek Morgan asked, coming up behind her and looking at the computer screen.
“No, not at all. These people are apparently trying to frame the Smashers and undermine the community’s trust in them.”
“You have to work hard to do something that heinous,” Morgan mused aloud. “We’re talking about some of the most famous and beloved characters in Nintendo history.”
Dr. Reid entered the room at that moment, with Pit close behind. The angel was wearing a white hoodie and blue jeans, with flip-flops over his oversized feet; his laurel crown was safely stowed away and his wings were apparently folded behind his back under his clothing.
“You know, I’ve always wondered why we’ve been able to talk to one of the Smashers,” Reid rambled. “Most of our knowledge of them comes from the games about them that we’ve played since the 80’s, and it may be that they’ve been having them sold in our world for years so we wouldn’t suspect that they actually exist.”
“I have no idea what you just said,” Pit chuckled, “but I’ll pretend that’s what we do!”
“Anyway, I’ve looked up any information about the Milivoj,” said Reid. “Nothing. No records in any textbooks on history, mythology, politics, science… It’s like they came into existence completely out of nowhere.”
“Given that you brought in an angel from another world, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case,” replied Garcia. “I’ve tried looking up anything related to the Milivoj as well. There wasn’t any info from prior to the attack on the Smash Stadium.”
“We’ll need someone who knows about what they are, and where they came from,” said Morgan. “Let’s go talk to Hotch. Maybe he’s picked up that someone already.”
The four of them headed out of Garcia’s computer station and into the BAU office, where the other BAU members — Hotch, JJ, David Rossi, and the relative newcomer Alex Blake — had all gathered. JJ was the first to notice the group, and the first to speak.
“We need to talk to Pit,” she said.
“Me? Why?” asked the angel.
“Is it something to do with —” Reid began, but Rossi cut him off.
“Someone came into our office a few minutes ago,” the elder BAU member said grimly. “She said she knew who — or rather, what the Milivoj were. She’s waiting for you as we speak.”
“She’s not from our world, but she isn’t like you, either,” said Hotch. “We’ll need you to talk to her because we can’t trust her unless you do.”
“Why?” asked Pit. “Is she part of the Milivoj?”
The door to the main office opened up, and a computer-animated teenage girl with a black ponytail, a red-orange shirt with dark brown sleeves, blue jeans, and sneakers stepped in.
“I would sooner die than become one of those mass-murdering hypocrites,” she said angrily.
Everyone stared at her in surprise, but as soon as Pit looked into her dark blue eyes, a spark of recognition flashed in his own. In that instant, he remembered what Palutena had said about her, and most of all, that she’d told him this girl’s name…
“Sarah!” he cried, rushing over and hugging her. The agents looked at them in surprise, wondering how Pit could have possibly known her before, but they decided not to question it.
“Hey there, Angel Face,” she replied, briefly returning the embrace before pushing him off. “Anyway, where were we?”
“You wanted to tell us about the Milivoj,” said Alex. “You said you knew where they came from. Just tell us everything, and we’ll be there to help.”
“Actually, I don’t think you can,” the Super said sadly. “But I’ll tell you anyway. The Milivoj aren’t from this world — and in fact, they’re not from any world. They were created by a higher power, greater than even the Hands themselves, specifically for the sake of attacking and defaming the Smashers.”
The BAU members looked amongst themselves in surprise. Dr. Reid even twirled a finger around his temple.
“I know,” Sarah continued. “It’s every bit as crazy as it sounds. But it gets worse. Even though those bastards look human, they aren’t. They’re constructs of evil, hate, and deceit, highly skilled in combat and versed in nothing but murder. And they’re numbered in the thousands . You wanna arrest them? Pffft, please. You’ll all be dead before you can even try.”
“How do you know of this?” asked Hotch.
Sarah looked the dark-haired man dead in the eye and said, “Because I’ve seen what they’ve done for myself.”
The BAU members all looked into her fierce gaze, and they could tell that she wasn’t lying.
“So… these guys… can’t help us?” asked Pit, waving a hand towards the BAU team.
“They’ll have to stay here,” Sarah replied guiltily. “I can’t afford letting them follow me into war with these monsters. But I think I may have an idea…”
The BAU members could do nothing but stand there, waiting on the Super’s judgment. They looked among each other, then back at her.
“Go on,” said Rossi. “We’re listening.”
“What we need to do is to show the world that Pit is back,” Sarah replied. “We’re gonna have to broadcast a message to the Smash world and tell them that the Milivoj are the ones in the wrong. After that, well… I’ll take it from here.”
“I have access to their TV network,” Garcia piped up. “I’ll see if I can get a live feed hijack ready in around… three minutes. Tops.”
Sarah smiled. “Sounds perfect.”
The random citizens of the Smash world were terrified, confused, and angry. They had trusted the Smashers for years, and now this had happened. Had this been their plan all along? What were they going to do now that their protectors had betrayed them? And what good would the Milivoj do for them?
Most of these citizens were still tuning in to the SNN network, listening to the media’s response to the attack on the stadium. What they did not expect, however, was for the video feed on their TVs — and all of the video display screens throughout the Smash world, for that matter — to change into a different broadcast. A familiar white-winged angel was standing in a generic room, looking directly at the viewers.
“ Citizens of the Smash World, ” said Pit, “ I know you’ve heard what the Milivoj said. And I know what you’re thinking. How could the Smashers have done this? Well, I’m here to tell you the truth. ”
The Milivoj leader, who had just finished the broadcast and was giving orders to his forces before this instant, was staring up at the nearest screen in horrified silence. How could Pit still be alive?!
“ Did we ever do anything to hurt you? No. We never had any interest in conquering the multiverse. It’s the Milivoj who you should be looking out for, because they do.”
“Turn our broadcast back on! Turn it on!!” the Milivoj general snapped angrily, but the cameraman who had just filmed him said, “I can’t! All the broadcasting signals are jammed!”
The general sliced off the random bit’s head with his arm blade and tried to operate the camera himself. However, the fic had never given him any technical experience, which frustrated him to no end.
“ Who attacked the stadium? The Milivoj, ” Pit continued. “ Who inflicted injuries upon me that would have killed me had Zelda not saved me? The Milivoj. And who spread lies about us specifically to make you fear and hate us, so we wouldn’t be able to protect this world without you rejecting us? Take a wild guess. ”
The generic citizens who were now gathering upon the streets murmured amongst themselves in horror. In a large plot hole, a group of captured Smashers listened to the broadcast with soaring hearts. Elsewhere, a dark-winged angel stared at his duplicate on screen with wide eyes of shock. And somewhere in a distant temple, a goddess and another white-winged angel were also watching the broadcast with growing hope.
“ We are not terrorists. We never asked for anything like this. There was no reason for us to turn on all of you, or for them to turn on me. So I implore all of you to ask yourselves: Who is the real enemy here? ”
The lead Milivoj screamed angrily and blasted at the nearest screen, which exploded with a hiss of sparks and smoke. The broadcast ended, leaving an uncertain crowd in its wake.
“No! NO!!!” the general cried out. “We killed him! That’s just an imposter who’s spreading lies about us! Milivoj, no more haste! We move now !”
He slipped his helmet on and drew his weapons for an all-out offensive, but before he could take one step away from the broadcasting site, a heavenly light shone above them, and an angel descended from above.
“ Again today I will go soaring through the sky~! / My enemies I'll dish 'em up in a stir-fry~! ” he sang cheerfully. “ Gracious Goddess of Light, watches from up above~. / At dinnertime I always show the cook some love~! ”
The Milivoj all fired at “Pit”, but a flurry of blasts from his Eyetrack Orbitars neutralized all of the shots. His song trailed off, and he looked down at them all, his expression suddenly fierce.
Thank the gods Lady Palutena had a spare toga, Cupid thought. If this works, I swear…
“Listen up, Milivoj scum!” the angel agent cried, his voice echoing throughout the open sky. “You accused the Smashers of killing me to instigate a rebellion, didn’t you?! Well, look at me! I’m still alive! And by the end of the day, you won’t be!”
The civilians murmured amongst each other in shock and confusion.
“You heard what I said, right? You were the ones who destroyed the stadium! I saw it myself! You even wounded me and tossed me off the stadium to make it look like I’d been killed! And worst of all, you tried to convict the Smashers for it! What is your gami̱ménos problem?! ”
“Stop talking and come down here!” the Milivoj commander cried. “Or do you want us to blast you out of the sky?!”
“We are people of our own devices, not creations of the Hands!” Cupid continued. “We’re here to protect this world, and not to conquer it! So on that note, Milivoj, by order of the Protectors of the Plot Continuum, you are all hereby convicted of the following charges: attacking and killing hundreds of innocent people for no plausible reason; capturing, maiming, and killing multiple canons; making the Criminal Minds continuum exist within the Smash Bros . multiverse; making everyone angst over me being dead, and I do mean everyone ; creating a Writhing Mass; spreading hateful lies about the Smashers and making everyone believe them on the spot; and all in all, existing only for the sake of completely ruining what could have otherwise been a pretty well-done crossover! And I speak for all of us, citizens and Smashers alike, when I say this to the whole lot of you…”
He swooped, landing right in front of the lead Milivoj, and ripped his mask off his face. He glared into his blue eyes and said, with a completely straight face and an infuriated quiver in his voice:
“ Fuck off. ”
And he kicked him in the crotch.
The Milivoj leader buckled over with a scream of pain and then blasted at Cupid, who leaped out of the way just in time. Next moment, all of the random civilians were charging at the Milivoj, shrieking insults at the Milivoj, calling them murderers and liars; most of them had pulled pitchforks and torches out of nowhere. The enemy soldiers opened fire, blasting at everything they could, but the citizens seemed to come from everywhere. Cupid joined in the battle, his Angel Bow slicing at every Milivoj within reach.
But he was sure that there were more enemies on the way. They would know that “Pit” had blatantly defied them, and they wouldn’t be happy about it. If only the other agents would hurry up and help him soon…
On the uncanonical second moon of the Smash world, thirty-three Smashers and one little blue-haired girl stared at the TV screen, completely speechless.
“Did he just…” Link asked, his blue eyes so wide that they were almost round. He trailed off, not knowing what to say.
“It’s Pit! He’s back!” Sonic cried. And then the tumult, the cheering of the other Smashers drowned out all the other noise in the hall. Even the more serious ones were smiling in earnest.
Lapis let out a cry of fright that thankfully fell on deaf ears, and curled up upon the floor, her lips parted over her clenched teeth.
Once the celebration died down, however, the Smashers’ conversation turned serious. “He needs our help,” said Ike.
“What do we do? We’re practically on the moon as far as everyone else knows!” Peach asked nervously.
“It’ll take too long for us to get back to the Smash world, even using hyperspace travel,” said Fox.
“What are we supposed to do, teleport our way back there?” asked Falco sarcastically.
Lapis had just uncovered her ears now that the noise was gone, and she turned the bird’s words around in her head. She suddenly had an idea, but it was going to be a daunting task.
Taking a deep breath, she stood up and cleared her throat. In the next instant, everyone turned their eyes to look at her.
To say that it was too much for her to bear was an understatement. The poor girl had a massive bout of stage fright right then and there, making it difficult to breathe, let alone speak. Crystalline drops of sweat slid down her face — not the giant ones she secreted when frustrated, but the liquid manifestation of genuine fear. Her skin turned from a light cream color to whiter than snow, bordering on wilver, as she felt her heart swell and palpitate to bursting point…
No. NO. This was not the time to stand there and wax urple prose. This was the time to save the world. And for all she knew, that could be her idiot partner whose life was —
All the memories of her arguing with him, his comforting her when she was scared, his chatty banter and even his synthetic alcohol abuse, all of them came back to her, and she could not bear the thought of losing them. Lapis squeezed her big blue eyes shut, a Single Tear sliding down from each, and disregarding any more urple narrative whining inside her head, she made her decision.
“I can take you back,” she said.
The Smashers all murmured amongst each other, and then looked at her.
“Go on,” said Mario. “We won’t-a hurt you.”
“I know a way,” the blue-haired girl continued. “But… you’ll have to listen to me. Join together, all of you, and stay close to me.”
“What about the Great Fox? We’ll have to take it back,” said Snake.
“Anyone who wants to do that, go ahead,” Lapis replied. “The rest…” she trailed off, unable to speak. She knew she was going to send all of them straight into the heart of the battle. Then she felt Link’s gloved hand rest upon her shoulder.
“We know,” said the Hylian. “We’re ready. We will save the multiverse, all of us. Together.”
He nodded to Fox and Falco, who headed off to retrieve the spaceship. The others crowded in a protective circle around Lapis, who concentrated hard on the display on-screen, and willed herself and all of the others to be there. To save Pit.
A few moments later, she and all of the remaining Smashers were swallowed up by the biggest plot-hole that the ex-Sue had conjured yet.
Back in the Smash world, chaos reigned throughout the city near the destroyed stadium. The Milivoj were blasting and hacking wildly in all directions, but the onslaught of random citizens, spurred by Cupid, was gradually pushing them back.
Things only got more frustrating for the Suvian enemies when the air shimmered in the middle of the battlefield, and over thirty more fighters appeared. Mario, Link, Marth, and Sonic led the charge, tearing through the uncanonical army. The heavy-hitting Smashers followed, pounding and pummeling every Milivoj that tried to get past them; the faster canons also moved to cut off any escape or backup.
From inside another plot hole, the captured Smashers called out to them from their cages, hoping one of their fellows would notice and save them. Their pleas were ignored by the Milivoj, who were too busy saving themselves to worry about the collateral damage.
But someone did notice them. Not long after she had led Pit through the portal away from the Criminal Minds continuum (and the neuralyzed BAU team) and straight into the fight, a certain Super spotted the plot hole. She gave her shiny new autograph from Dr. Reid a good-luck kiss, and swooped towards the prisoners, giant sword in hand.
Bowser saw the lock on his cage get sliced to bits, and noticed the same thing happen with all the other cages. With a mighty roar and a blast of flame, he burst out of his cage, the others following suit. The King of the Koopas turned to face the girl who had set them free.
“Remind me not to kidnap you next time I see you,” he growled in gratitude.
“Don’t mention it,” said Sarah. “No time to celebrate, though — we’ve got a battle to win! By the way, nice to see you again, Diddy Kong!”
The brown-furred monkey laughed and did a handstand, clapping his feet in excitement.
“Now now, Diddy Kong,” said Master Hand. “We’ll have to take this battle seriously. Our worlds are at stake, and we can’t afford to lose!”
“Well, what are we waiting for?!” Bowser roared, attempting to climb out of the plot hole. But it was too poorly defined to get a proper grip.
“Allow me,” Sarah smiled, sticking her sword behind her back before grabbing him by the tail and flying him out of the plot hole. Realizing what she was doing, the spiky-shelled villain opened his maw and blasted fire once again; Sarah spun him around in a circle, forming a fiery vortex that sent the Milivoj around them stumbling back.
It was enough to clear the way for the other captive Smashers and the Hands, who joined the fight with much satisfaction and relish.
Sarah stopped spinning Bowser around, letting him dangle beneath her, and smiled down at him. “That was fun!”
“I’ve gotta ask Mario to do this with me next time our worlds are at stake!” the Koopa King laughed. “Now, lemme go! I’ve got a Koopa kingdom to save!”
Sarah was all too willing to oblige, spinning him around again and hurling him into the fight. One Whirling Fortress later, several dozen enemies were sent flying, creating an open pathway for a brief moment.
Said pathway was promptly filled when a doorway appeared out of thin air and opened up, allowing Palutena to make her entrance, followed by a large number of newcomers: Mega Man, Little Mac, Pac-Man, both Robins and Lucina, Rosalina and Luma, Villager, both Wii Fit Trainers, Greninja, Shulk, Bowser Jr., and the Duck Hunt duo. An army of several dozen PPC Mii Fighters was right behind them.
“Alright, places everyone!” the goddess called out to the group. “We’ve got a multiverse to save, and anybody who doesn’t look like they come from any of your worlds wants to kill you! With… two or three exceptions. I guess.”
“You can lecture us later,” said Little Mac, readying his gloved fists. “Let’s knock ‘em outta the park!”
“From nowhere these abominations came…” said Fem!Robin, raising her Levin sword to the sky.
“...and to nowhere they shall return!” Shulk finished, flourishing his Monado.
With a collective war cry of rage and determination, the newcomers all charged at the Milivoj, who reacted predictably. An eight-player Smash was nothing compared to the sheer insanity of the ensuing battle.
The Great Fox came in a few minutes later, making a landing at a safe distance. Fox and Falco rushed out and dived into the fight, tearing through the enemies with frightening ease. At the same time, a portal opened up, and Ganondorf charged into the battlefield. Sarah caught a glimpse of Panacea giving the agents a friendly wave before she closed the portal.
It seemed as though the tide of the fight was turning in the favor of the canonical characters and the agents. But as Cupid soared over the battlefield, he realized that something was wrong.
The Milivoj are falling too easily, he thought. Could it be that they’re holding out on us like in the first… Oh, skata!
There was a rush of black wings, and Dark Pit flew into view. “I can’t snipe these guys,” he called out. “Their armor absorbs energy!”
“Swords only, then!” Pit cried, appearing behind Cupid and making his dark-winged doppelganger falter.
“T-two annoyances?!” he cried.
Actually, I’m the real Pit! the white-winged canon thought, making Dark Pit look at him skeptically.
No, I am! Cupid replied, confusing him even more, but then the angel agent burst out laughing. Naw, just kidding! He’s the real one.
“Kill the noise, you two,” Dark Pit snapped. “We’ve gotta warn them! I saw another army on the way back, and they’ve got numbers and weapons far greater than all of us combined. We’ll be overwhelmed if we keep fighting!”
Cupid gasped in horror. So his hunch was right, after all.
“Are there any leaders?” asked Pit.
Dark Pit thought for a moment, and then shook his head. “They’re all the same. Every single one. We can only get rid of them if we kill them all at once.”
Cupid thought hard, remembering the conversation. These Milivoj could absorb energy through their armor, and they could only be destroyed all at the same time, like with a nuclear explosion. But what could possibly do what a tactical nuke could if their armor could draw in ranged attacks?
He took out the mask he had kept in his toga, and a sudden flash of inspiration occurred to him. An idea started forming in his head, one that his partners would have considered nothing short of suicidal.
A flash of blue hair caught his attention. “Cover me!” he said to the canons. “I need to talk to my partner!”
They made their way towards Lapis, who was running through the battle as fast as her legs could carry her, attempting to escape but at the same time slicing everyone who got near her with her trident.
While the canonical angel twins sliced up a group of Milivoj that were trying to catch her in a pincer-attack, Cupid landed in front of her, folding his wings in front of his face to block her collision with him. “Lapis,” he said, his voice almost shouting over the chaos of the battle, “do you know where Team Flare’s secret base is in Pokémon Y ?”
“Y-yes. I’ve played the games… W-why?!”
“If you want to kill me for this later, do whatever you want. But I need you to take me there, right now. ”
She looked up at him, her wan face looking utterly horrified. “ NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!”
“We don’t have any other choice! There’s another army on the way and we’ll be mowed like a cornfield unless I do this! I know, I’m selfish and irresponsible, but I guess we should’ve expected a slip-up like this. ”
“What slip-up?” Lapis asked in fright, cringing as she heard her own words being sent back at her.
“We underestimated the Milivoj the first time,” said Cupid, backhanding a soldier in the face and stepping away from her. “And we’re not gonna make the same mistake again.”
Now it was the blue-haired girl’s turn to see how ancient his words sounded. “I… I hope you know what you’re doing,” she said fearfully.
“I don’t,” Cupid replied blankly, earning a Not Amused look from her.
Nonetheless, Lapis closed her eyes, thinking hard, and the air shimmered around her partner. His world became a blur of color, with random sounds echoing all around him, and next moment, he’d tumbled into a dark room with a huge machine in the center.
In the center of that room was a huge, black, menacing cocoon.
Cupid stood up, putting on the Milivoj general’s mask, and readied his Eyetrack Orbitars. Closing his eyes, and silently apologizing to whatever was inside the cocoon for what was going to happen, he blasted directly at it.
The cocoon hissed and glowed bright red as the projectiles pounded upon it, and it exploded a few moments later, sending thick smoke pouring everywhere. A dark shape rose out of where the cocoon had been, its glowing eyes glaring down at the masked figure that had so rudely woken it up.
The angel agent gulped, his face turning pale under his stolen mask, and took out his RA before frantically dialing it, aiming his Orbitars at the creature’s face. I should’ve finished the rest of my Bleeport before doing this, he thought miserably.
He opened fire anyway.
The sight of the gigantic portal opening up in the sky high above the battlefield went relatively unnoticed by the rest of the Smashers, and the Milivoj certainly missed it. Everyone was too busy fighting to think of anything else, for obvious reasons.
There were two exceptions to this, however. Luckily, Sarah and Lapis had managed to escape most of the carnage just in time to witness the colossal blue trapdoor open up several hundred feet overhead.
Cupid fell through the portal, letting out the ear-piercing, high-pitched, continuous shriek that could only come from someone who was being chased by death itself. Palutena was the first to hear said shriek, and activated the Power of Flight just in time for the angel agent to rocket away, still screaming, heedless of the blasts of energy being fired at him. The mask he dropped fell to the earth, and ended up hitting its previous owner on the head.
“Oh my God , Cupid,” Sarah gasped in horror as she saw her partner taking off like a bullet fired from a gun. “What have you done?! ”
A moment later, a colossal winged horror, with skin of red and black, swooped through the portal and spread its mighty clawed wings, the motion sending a gust of chilling wind throughout the battlefield. Its wingspan was so large that its great shadow blotted out the sun.
The beast’s eyes glowed cyan as it turned its infuriated glare down towards at the scene before it. Then it threw its horned head skyward, its dreadful beak opening wide, and the entire city seemed to tremble at its terrifying, spine-tingling SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!
The Smashers and all of their allies, including the female agents, let out a unanimous scream of terror, and next moment, they were all fleeing in the same direction that Cupid had taken. They didn’t seem to care as to whether that was the real Pit who had been nearly breaking the sound barrier — and it wouldn’t have made a difference, anyway. If anything can make the most jovial and courageous of the Smash Bros. fighters, the one who had kicked Tabuu in the face, fly in the opposite direction at top speed, screaming like a little girl, it can’t be good. At all.
The Smashers knew this. The Milivoj did not.
The blonde-haired man whom Cupid had unmasked earlier looked at his mask, and then up at the flying monster. The second army, which had rushed in with a taste for blood, had no idea what to do.
Was this creature going to attack them like the Smashers had done? Maybe, maybe not. But whatever the case, it was a threat. It made the Smashers flee in fear. If the Milivoj could control it, nothing could stop them now. If not, well… it was the creature’s mistake to confront them in the first place.
The Milivoj armies were waiting on the only one that had any more definition than just a guy in evil-looking armor, and so the commander made his decision in a heart-beat. He ordered them to fire. And in so doing, he damned them all.
The monstrous flyer felt the sting of thousands of energy blasts striking its skin, but like the Milivoj, its body seemed to absorb them like a black hole. It glared down at the army beneath it, seeing hundreds upon hundreds of masks looking exactly like the one on the little pest that had shot it in the face.
Something snapped within the creature’s mind, and its eyes glowed with inner fury before it screeched once more. It flapped its huge wings, circling once, and dived in a single swift motion, its black markings glowing crimson. A transparent violet sphere appeared before it, with blue electricity-like energy coursing within it, and a violet shockwave erupted from it and swept over both armies like a tidal wave of destruction.
Only this was not an attack that radiated energy. It absorbed it. The Milivoj were not prepared for that, and they paid the ultimate price for that oversight. Badly-written enemies everywhere screamed and fled in fear, trampling and tossing each other aside in a bid to escape, but all at once, they all felt their bodies withering and crumbling into glittering ashes, their armor rusting and crumpling like tinfoil.
Alone among the whole lot of them, the commander without a mask stood motionless, gazing skyward, his mind completely broken and his mouth agape in a silent, agonized scream. He had realized far too late that he’d made his biggest mistake — and his very last.
For in the next instant, he too was completely erased from existence by the sheer force of Yveltal’s wrath.
Spiraling through the sky, the Destruction Pokémon seemed to be searching for more of the masked annoyances that had angered it so badly. It would not stop until all of them were dead. However, it hadn’t realized that its Oblivion Wing attack had killed every single one of the Milivoj, and that there was no need for it to be here.
There was a sharp, warbling cry from somewhere nearby, and Yveltal wheeled around to face the source. Sarah was hovering before it, her neuralyzer in one hand and her RA in the other. She was determined to send it back to the place where it had come from before it could hurt anyone else.
She closed her eyes, and activated the neuralyzer. FLASH!
“None of this happened,” she said sternly. “You were never woken up by some idiot who thought it would be a good idea to bring you here. You are to rest in your cocoon, held captive by Team Flare, until you are needed. And no masked morons will ever bother you ever again.”
Dialing the RA, she opened up a portal. Yveltal swooped through, coming down to roost upon the machine it had been resting inside. It curled up, the cocoon reforming around it, and closed its eyes, feeling a sense of peace at last.
Sarah closed the portal, and glided down towards the canons who were now streaming into the newly vacated battlefield. She spotted Cupid at the very front of the crowd, alongside Lady Palutena and the two canonical Kid Icarus angels.
The male agent had dressed up in his pink toga again, so nobody would get confused. As if trying to explain himself was hard enough, the Super agent landed in front of him and delivered a megaton slap to his face.
“DON’T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN, YOU IDIOTIC LITTLE FEATHERBRAIN!! ” Sarah shrieked in outrage. “You could’ve gotten us all killed… WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!”
“You were going to get wiped off the map by a second army of those kolotripa ,” Cupid replied sheepishly, having been knocked off his feet by the force of the slap. “If there was anything else I could’ve done, you could’ve told me sooner!”
Sarah glared down at him, but then her face faltered. “You’re right,” she said. “There was no other way. But still , you could’ve warned us about this too!”
“I know, I’m terribly sorry,” Cupid replied, standing up shakily and rubbing his cheek. “But hey, at least we got rid of all of them, right?”
Palutena picked up the mask that Cupid had dropped, and turned to him with a serene smile. “That was very reckless of you,” she said cheerfully, “but also very brave. I’m surprised you even thought of doing that in the first place, getting all of the Milivoj into one area and wiping them all out with a single blow.”
Lapis rushed over to Cupid at that moment, her body drenched in a cold sweat. “When I suggested for you to summon Yveltal,” she panted, “I was being sarcastic! How in Arceus’s name did you not understand that?!”
“I didn’t,” the angel agent replied with a shrug. “But you were wrong about one thing. You were saying something about the notion that it wouldn’t work?”
The sound of Marth clearing his throat made the agents turn around. The Smashers were looking at them, their expressions surprised and doubtful. Lapis’ breathing seized up again at the sight of their staring, and she hid behind Sarah again.
It was Pit who applauded first. Sonic, Link, Palutena, and Mario joined him a second later. And then, all at once, everyone, including the random citizens who had joined the battle, was giving the agents a standing ovation. Even Dark Pit.
“And that,” Sarah said proudly, “is how you end a badfic.”
“I thought it was pretty tame, actually,” Cupid interjected. “It wasn’t perfect, and we nearly died putting it down, but it’s not the worst that could happen. Right?”
Lapis nudged his shoulder. “Please don’t give the Ironic Overpower any excuses,” she said. “For now, we’ve still gotta clear up a few things!”
“Leave it to me,” said Palutena, raising her staff. “Power of Neuralyzation!”
The agents, the angels, the Mii Fighters, and the goddess closed their eyes as the orb on the end of her staff glowed with blue light. The other Smashers looked at the light, their eyes glazing over for a moment, and the memory of the battle vanished in the time it takes to blink.
It was certainly going to take a lot more time for everyone to finish up repairs on the stadium and the city, but at the Hands’ request, they were all too eager to get to work. Dark Pit also gave Cupid his wing-concealing bracelet, which the latter promised he’d find use for.
“I guess… this is where we say goodbye?” asked Lapis, idly dying her hair again.
“Or rather,” Palutena replied, handing the mask of the late Milivoj general to her servant’s duplicate. “until we meet again.”
“I don’t know whether I’ll come back in the near future,” said Cupid. “I’ll be really busy where I’m at. But if I ever do return to Skyworld again, I’ll be sure to stop by and say hi!”
“We all will,” Lapis added. “For now, though, we really gotta get back. We’ve got a mission report to write. Also, we’ve still got movie night on Saturday, so we’ve gotta prepare for that too.”
“Yeah,” said Sarah. “I’m totally pooped.”
“Ah, not so fast!” Cupid said with a cheeky grin, gladly taking the mask from Palutena. He shoved it into his Bag of Holding and took out his RA, saying, “I’ve got a little surprise for you.”
Sarah looked around, curious. “And just what may that be?”
“Oh, I’d like to call it… revenge. The Writhing Mass got a little bored while I was busy, and you let it tickle me half to death, so, well…”
“W-wait!” she stammered. “I really did mean to r-rescue you that time, I swear…!”
“You know that’s not gonna save you… cutie ,” Cupid replied with a mischievous laugh, and with that he opened up a portal to RC #333 and shoved her through, tossing his bag after her. After a final bow of thanks to Palutena, he casually strode through, whistling all the while. Lapis gave the green-haired goddess an apologetic shrug before hastily following him.
Sarah’s helpless laughter began echoing through the portal before it finally closed.
Pit looked up at his protector, a forlorn expression on his face. “Will I ever get to see Sarah again, Lady Palutena?” he asked. “Or my double? I miss them already.”
“Let’s just say, Pit, that we’ll never know what’ll happen next,” she replied coolly. “Now, why don’t you go play with Dark Pit for a while? You both deserve a break.”
He nodded to her, grinning, and rushed off to join his counterpart, leaving Palutena to admire the beautiful sunshine.
She was about to turn and help the other Smashers pick up the pieces when she felt a wind-blown white feather brush against her cheek. She caught it in her fingers and held it up to her face, curious. This feather had just the slightest hint of an iridescent, pearly sheen.
Palutena recognized its former owner, and she couldn’t help but smile.
“I’ll be waiting for you, Cupid,” she said quietly. “And that’s a promise!”
A/N: I’m baaaaack, everybody, and I bring what may be the craziest mission I’ve written yet! Which is pretty odd because the fic itself is actually pretty tame compared to some of the dumber crossovers I’ve seen in the past. I’ll get to that in a bit, but first of all, special thanks to son_of_heaven176 for helping me tone down Lapis’ dialogue, as some of it was actually a lot meaner in the first draft and the Lapis I used to know and love wasn’t like that at all! The badfic she’s from is real, by the way, and yes, unfortunately, I was the one who wrote it in the first place. Here it is, all 20 “episodes” of it, and for the record, I’ll consider it claimed by myself until Pi’s backstory is fully explained further notice! ;)
What surprised me the most about this fic was that in terms of characterization, it actually did an admirable job. The canonical characters were really on-point for both continua, and it appears that this author not only saw the Criminal Minds TV show based on her commentary but also studied it enough to get the characters right as well. Unfortunately, the show itself seems to have been put aside for the most part in the chapters that got posted, and Super Smash Bros. wasn’t handled quite as favorably (though again, the canons were pretty spot-on in terms of personality, at least as far as Smash Bros. is concerned). The main reason for this is the use of elements that don’t fit quite well, the biggest by far of course being the main antagonistic party. I could tell from the get go that they weren’t defined well, and they had no motivations that went any deeper than trying to ruin the Smashers’ fame. I think the major reason for my adverse reaction was the fact that the fic, well… died, I guess. Given how it was handled, though, I guess a lot of things would have probably gotten explained or else tied up in later chapters had it been continued. I actually did want to have the agents come into play in exploring what the Milivoj were in the first place, but missions are missions, alas (though it did make for a heck of a climax). If anything, this is one of those fics that came SO CLOSE to goodfic territory rather than failing completely, especially for continua as mismatched as these two, and I would have honestly liked to see how the author would have handled the story if she had decided to finish it herself.
Finally, I’m happy to say that as of the end of this spring term, I’ll be graduating from my college degree and hopefully getting a stable job! I’m not sure what this means for my PPC stuff because on the one wing, if I have to move to a different place I’ll be stupidly busy, but on the other wing, once I get settled into my future career and such, I’ll finally have control of my schedule and thus my leisure time for writing. We’ll see how it goes come the end of this May!
Next time on RC #333: Godzilla meets a giant character replacement! I think you can figure out the rest…
Super Smash Bros. (Mini-Master Hands):
- ROB (adopted by SkarmorySilver)