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Puppeteer

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To you
I’m all I’ve left undone
I’m all I haven’t won
Lift me up my soul’s so hollow
Lift me up

My life has been full of action, happiness and sadness, new lives and unexpected deaths. I don’t want to look back, as I’m filled with regret over things that I know I could have changed, avoided. I’m a broken man, repeatedly rebuilt to slowly fall apart once my puppeteer cuts the string loose.

When Andre died, I felt like a such a failure. If I had been tugged him back in to the chopper, if I had held his hand and told him to stop…. but I didn’t and I had to live with it. Then Tom arrived and I promised myself, I’ll never hesitate to hold my partner back when the situation calls for it. I held him back before he ran into exploding car, I held his hand when he needed me the most, I was there to tell him to stop, when things became dangerous, I took many falls for him.

But then, many years later late at night he called me. He needed my help and I was not fast enough. I didn’t try hard enough to get to him in time and as he laid in my arms, breathing out his last words, I felt the rope of failure circling my throat like a noose and god I wished it had pulled. I failed my partner once again. When Ben arrived, I promised myself I’ll never hesitate to hold him back when he needs it, that I’ll run as if my life depends on it when he calls for me. I’m bruised man beyond repair, but he’s picking up my pieces and holds them for me.

Now I sit on the ground and he’s sitting behind me, supporting me, as he always does. His strong arms are surrounding me and his face is buried in my neck, I can feel his warm breath like it’s my own. I can’t hold him back, lack of oxygen made my body numb.
Every breath becomes shorter and my heart aches as the warmth against my neck slowly fades. I’m a broken man, but my puppeteer holds on my strings until his hands bleed.

Ben raises his head heavily, I turn to him with struggle. His eyes are filled with fear and regret. Is this what my partners saw when they left me ? Suddenly I feel very sad. I failed to care for my partner once again, but this time, I’ll suffer the consequences. Ben didn’t deserve to end like this, I never should have accepted him as my new partner. I only brought death to the ones I loved. I wanted to tell him sorry, so much.
I know I’m reaching my limit, so inhaling the little I have left I use it as best as I can.

I lean towards him, he’s not moving anymore, he’s just staring at me with such a pain, it physically hurts me. When I feel his lips against mine, I nudge them with my tongue to open them and I release the last breath, then my world goes black as I cut my strings to release the puppeteer.

You take
The breath you didn’t make
What’s left you did forsake
Lift me up my soul’s so hollow
Lift me up my soul’s so hollow

 

Oddly, I’m not dead. I can tell as I feel pain. Someone’s screaming into my ear so loudly it’s giving me a headache. I want to snap at them to stop it, but I feel there’s something over my face and suddenly I can breathe. A breathing mask ?

Oh god, I can breathe ! The realization surprises me so much I gasp and begin to cough. When I finally open my eyes, I see Ben’s tears filled eyes above me and he’s holding me tightly by the arms. Then that huge stupid smile appears on his face and he pulls me up for a hug.

I find the strength to embrace him back and I hear myself say

" I’m so glad you’re okay. "

Fill, fill what’s in me
Fill, fill what’s in you
Fill, fill what’s in me
So my soul’s not left so hollow

He pulls away briefly to look at me.

" Don’t ever fucking do that again "

I blink in confusion. He shakes his head in frustration.

" I don’t ever want to hold you in my arms so cold and lifeless ever again, I want you alive and healthy. I don’t want you to sacrifice yourself for me, but since you are such a stubborn mule let’s make a deal. Whenever something happens, we’ll go through it together, agree ?" I couldn’t believe what he was saying, but I dumbly nodded anyways.

"Good " he hugged me again " That’s very good "

" I love you, " I finally said, I could hear him snort and he took the mask away from my face.

" You pick the shittiest moments to say the most important things, you know that ? " and then his mouth covered mine once again.
But this time, there was no blackness, just his happy smile and eyes filled with love and life.

You can make me SCREAM
You can make me BREATHE

My puppeteer made me a new man, strings made out of love that cannot be cut away. If we go, we go together.