Work Header

Absolutely Real Colgate Comedy Hour Skit

Work Text:

Jerry was strutting down the road towards the planned parenthood, ready for the sweet release and comfort. He could barely contain his hysteria. Regardless, he wanted to be absolutely certain before he broke the news to Dean. He slammed face-first into the door before backing up, opening it, and walking in.

Jerry opened his mouth and shouted, “What’s up bitches, it’s me, Jerry!” to an empty-ass waiting room and a tall bemused woman at the reception desk who fucks.

“Mr. L’wis! What on earth are you doing here?!”

Jerry sashayed up to the lady who fucks and said, “I think you’ll find I have an appointment, my good bitch.” He slammed his fist on the desk and shouted, “I am pregananant!”

“Can you please quiet the fuck down a lil bit?” Said the woman who fucks, glaring at the pissman.

“wHy you gotta souffle back there or somethin’!” he said, pulling out a pre-lit Chesterfield cigarette, for a milder taster smoke. It was a Man-Sized Chesterfield™, for MAN-SIZE SATISFACTION™; Jerry liked his pleasure BIG.
The woman who fucks glared at him again. “Can you please not smoke in here? This isn’t a hospital.” Jerry swallowed his cigarrette, and choked out a “sORRY” between bursts of smoke outta his nostrils. As soon as the smoke dissipates, Jerry lights up a Mondo Cigar from his Magnum pocket and blows a Circle directly into The Lady Who Fucks’ delicate, doe eyed and Woman face.

“so who do I see about the spaghet cassarole in my oven?”

“How ‘bout a chef?” The Woman Who Fucks said.

"A chef sounds fucking fantastic!" he screamed.

She dragged a hand down her face, then stared at him, shaking her head.

“If you’re here for an ultrasound for that Casarollelle you need to fill out some paperwork and wait in the fcukigne waiting room,” she whispered coarsely.

“Paperwork? PaperFUCK.” Jerry wailed as he flung the clipbaordd directly across the room and into the fishtank.

A puff of spaghetti appears in the waiting room revealing a sauce covered Dean. He was completely naked and his noodle was al dente.

Jerry smashed his face on the wall " BITCH I'M BREGANNANANT WITH NODDLE DICKS BABY!" The Woman Who Fucks rubbed her temples and laid her face down on the desk; she was so fucking tired, save her.

“Just go see the doctor for an goddamdn ultrasound,” she said as Jerry carressed Dean’s spaghetti saucey facey.

“On one Condition. My Very Straight and beloved boy friend Dingo Peengo comes back with me for emotional and ~physical~ suppport,” Jerry crrooned.


As they were walking away Dean turned to Jerry and said, “You know this is the first time I’ve ever been sauced without even having a drink. Bazinga.”

Jerry smirked and stuck his popping booty out and began to strut gracefully down the hallway. "Follow me, boo."

Dean looked directly into the camera, shrugged, then followed Jerry Luaiwalrus. The hallway was a long and boring trip because we gotta lengthen this scene out a bit fuck…

As they walked down the lawng and boring hallway, they passed many pics of other Famous and Pahsta Bregannanant patrons who have been there.

“You’re a regular baby factory aren’t ya, bubby,” Jerry screamed.

“Yep,” Dean said. “This’ll be my 69,420th child.”

Jerry whistled in amazement; “nice. you musta read Dirty Humpry’s Sex Diary, huh?”

“You ol’ Italian SLUT!” a passing, eavesdroppin and newly introduced doctor howled as he gave Dean’s bare rump a playful and NOt Gay slap.

They finally reached the room after 69 (nice) miles of walking, inside was Frank Skinatra in a white coat.

Frank’s sapphire orbs peered out from beneath his lips. Frank waved at the two gays. "Skin," he garbled through his now blue-green eye filled mouth; his eyes began to drift downwards.

Dean, again, looked directly at the camera, then slowly back at Frank. “....Skin?” Frank’s neon blue eyes cruised out of his mouth and into his soft cheekbones - “I’ve got skin,” he nodded and pulled on some blue latex gloves.

Jerry shrugged and looked @dean “he’s got skin, Dean. And gloves. I think hes ready to extract our steamy tassty baby.”

Frank pats the table, “Skin.” he says with impatience. Jerry ripped off his pants, hopped up on the table, and bussed it wide open, screaming, “Gimme everything you got, big boy!”

Skinatra pulled up Jerry's under shirt to reveal Jerry's stomach and the “babby.” “Skin," he said, before yanking the casserole off Jerry's tummy.

“So THAT’S where that went, what the fuck Jer?” Dean said, yanking the casserole into his fucking beautiful, beefy, tanned, sauce-covered arms. Fuck

“That’s our baby deniodf and YOUre the fadda!” Jerry wailed and Frank’s azul eyes stared in disbelief from his nostrils.

The entire (hidden) audience from Maury gasped in delight and disgust as Dean and his sauce smothered form recoiled in lov.


Commercial Break: HALO, EVERYBODY, HALO. iT glorifies your HAIR!!

fuck it up halo