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Kiss Me, Kill Me

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He had not craved a cigarette more than he had at that moment, the need to have something to focus on was overwhelming. The voice of the therapist droned on, asking the same questions as the day before, and the day before that. This was part of the initial psychological diagnosis, how crazy he was or wasn’t, it was the boring part of the therapy, the getting to you know you stage.

            “Atsushi, where are you right now?” No answer.  “HEY! SAKURAI!” Atsushi’s body jerked, “Why are you shouting at me?” he growled. “Because asshole, you’re not here!” Dr. Suzuki didn’t play around with celebrities, no matter their status, he expected them to pay attention and participate during a session. “If you don’t want to be here, I suggest you get up and leave. I have better things to do than to cater to your overgrown toddler attitude.” Dr. Suzuki closed his notebook and stood up. “I apologize Doctor, my mind was drifting, please let us continue.” Sakurai did not want to spend any longer than the required six months, he had to get home…he had to get to Uta.  “Thank you, Atsushi. As I was about to ask, where are you right now, at least in your mind, not your physical body?”

            Doctor Masayuki Suzuki did not look like any other psychologist Sakurai had ever seen, and he was sure the man was at the rehab facility specifically for him. Bearded, hair shaved on the sides, longer in the back than even Sakurai’s in his youth, Suzuki looked like an American biker, this was Dr. Suzuki, the man had spent years advising and treating mainly celebrity type people; actors, musicians, public figures. He had the knack of being able to cut through the bullshit front that many celebrities project, and he knew when it was appropriate to call them on said shit, which he had just done with Sakurai Atsushi.

            “Right this second? I want to go home, I do not want to spend any more time here than is necessary.” He didn’t lie, at least not completely, and Suzuki knew this. “Who are you trying to get back to?” Sakurai’s brow furrowed, “I just want to go home” he answered, with a slight edge to his voice.

            “Bullshit. Who is it?” The doctor called him on it again, “If you can’t be honest, I have nothing more to do for you. Lie and I’ll leave, and you’ll be stuck here. Tell me the truth, and you’ll be discharged at the prescribed date.” Suzuki pushed Sakurai, he knew the man had been catered to, with a privileged indulgence by everyone. But that was in Japan, this was California, and Suzuki could give a rat’s ass who the man sitting in front of him was when he wasn’t in treatment.

            “Uta.” Sakurai mumbled. “Who or what is an Uta?” the doctor pushed. Sakurai twisted in his chair. “I don’t want to talk about him, he’s not here to defend himself.” 

“Not good enough, who is he?” Suzuki pushed again.

“I’m not discussing Uta…that topic is off limits” Sakurai huffed.

“In case you haven’t noticed, Atsushi…you’re in REHAB, dumbass…there is no such thing as off limits!” Suzuki pushed back.

“FINE! HE’S A BOY I LIKE TO FUCK…SATISFIED?” Sakurai snarled, he could play this game.

“Somewhat satisfied, he’s obviously important…or not? If you just want to fuck him, why are you thinking about him? Why are you hesitating to answer any questions about him?”

“I don’t want to answer anything, just give me some damn exercises in a book or something.”

“Nope, you don’t get off that easily. We talk about this boy Uta, or you go back to your room, and add another day to treatment, that’s how it works here.”

Sakurai knew if he started talking about Uta, he’d start to cry. “I’m not ready to talk about Uta, can we please just move on to anything else today?” he pleaded with the doctor.

“Is it so very painful to think about Uta? Has he hurt you that badly?” Suzuki’s voice had gone down in volume. Sakurai nodded. “He’s everything to me…or he was. I pushed him away, I caused him pain…it was my fault that he was hu…” Sakurai couldn’t finish. “How was it your fault?” the doctor probed gently.

“He didn’t hurt me, I devastated him…drove him away with my insane insecurities and jealousies. Because of me, he chose to live a life in which he was slowly dying in front of his friends, rather than live with me.” Sakurai was whispering at this point, sunk into his chair as far as he could…trying to disappear.

Slowly Dr. Suzuki pulled the story of Uta out of Sakurai, from the very start with Natsu, until Uta being hit and knocked unconscious at the DCR event. By the end of the session, Sakurai was completely drained, to the point of almost senselessness. As he walked back to his room, the visions of Uta, what had gone on since the first time he met the boy, until the last time he saw him, lying on the ground, Davina covering the boy with her body, screaming at him to stay away, DO NOT TOUCH HIM. All of it…was just too much. Collapsing on his bed, Sakurai Atsushi sobbed, for the loss of Uta, the loss of his friends and the possible loss of his career, all of it.

After eating a decent meal and taking a long hot bath, Sakurai was sitting on the balcony of his room, looking out over the ocean. It was almost 8pm, just getting dark in California…yet Uta would be at work, at almost 11am. Would he be driving that little car? Who owned the car? Would he be smiling and singing to the radio, bouncing to the beat like any normal young person? He wouldn’t be sobbing over his loss of Sakurai…no, that sentiment was long gone and dead. He was fairly certain that Uta would never give him another thought, not after the fiasco at the HBG.  

Crawling into bed that night, Sakurai Atsushi knew that his treatment had just begun, and it was going to get exponentially worse before it would even remotely get better. Day twenty-seven of one hundred ninety.



Uta was sitting in Davina’s cute little sedan, at a stop light, running errands for his Mistress had become the high light of Uta’s day. He had spoken with Yutaka and Hide a few days after the incident at the HBG and had learned that Atsushi had gone to a rehab facility in California, with no known date of return. The relief flooded Uta’s body to the point he almost fainted, alarming both Hide and Yutaka. “I can go out and not have to worry anymore! You don’t understand how…it’s going to be amazing, no looking over my shoulder, he won’t be stalking me!”

His relationship with Teiji had heated up, to the point that Uta was planning on confessing to the man, Uta felt it was the right time.  The man made Uta’s heart sing, Mao constantly teasing him that he was so ‘blissed out’ all the time, which he really was. He had fallen hard and deep for Teiji… he had never before felt like this, even with Sakurai.  He did admit…at least to himself if no one else, to thinking of Sakurai on a regular basis. He had no ill-will towards the man and hoped that he was getting the help he needed. It would be nice to see a whole Atsushi again, for his friends, and the fans of Buck Tick.  Finishing his errands, he rushed back to his flat, wanting to see Teiji before he had to go to the HBG, for his evening shift.

“Tadaima” …toeing his shoes off in the genkan. “Okaeri, do you have time for a late lunch before you head out?” Teiji was in the kitchen, wearing his cute little apron that Uta loved. “If I get to sit and eat with you, I’ll make time!” He hugged Teiji from behind, laying his head into the tall man’s back, breathing in his scent. “I wish I didn’t have to go to work tonight…I’d rather stay home with you.” Teiji patted Uta’s hands, “Yes, but after awhile you’d get bored with me, and you’d want a new toy.” The man joked. “Never… I never want anyone but you…you’re stuck with me!”

Teiji turned around, and picked Uta up, as if he weighed nothing, “I love you, and I’m happy to be stuck with you,” The lovers kissed, until Uta mentioned that the food on the stove was burning. “Let it burn.”  Uta laughed, “It will stink up the entire flat, just put me down and finish cooking!” Teiji groaned, “Damn it Uta, I hate when you make me act like an adult” he pouted. “I like it when I can tease you…and make you do the pouty face.”   Uta and Teiji teased each other during the meal, then Uta started pouting as it was now his turn to act like an adult and go to work.


Teiji stopped at the curb in front of the HBG, giving Uta a kiss goodbye, “I’ll be here to pick you up, ne? I love you, Uta” Uta almost said it…but he had plans for that later in the evening.  Coming in through the back door, Mao was standing in the way, arms crossed and tapping a foot. “Uta! Have told Teiji you love him yet?” “Maooo…stop please.” Uta pushed past his friend, “I’m not going to stop until you tell that man that you love him…you do, don’t you?”

“FYI, I’m telling him tonight, so now will you shut up about it?” Mao’s jaw dropped, “YOU ARE? UTA!!! Mao grabs Uta around the waist and picks the smaller man up, twirling around in a circle. “Mao! Stop…put Uta down!” Taka leaned out of the office, after seeing a set of legs fly by the door. “Taka! It’s tonight…Uta is…” Uta slapped his hand over Mao’s mouth. “Shut up already Mao!” he giggled. “I’m just fucking excited for you! You should have done this weeks ago.”  Uta blushed, “I wasn’t ready weeks ago, it was still too new.”

“Uta, listen to me. I’ve never seen you so happy…in all the years I’ve known you, not with Kyo, certainly not Natsu or even Sakurai. Uta, Teiji’s the ONE! Just accept it and get busy being in love fully…with all the benefits!” Mao nudged his shoulder against Uta’s. Uta smiled…he was going to get all the benefits tonight if everything goes as planned.


Davina was lounging on the antique fainting couch, Teiji sitting at her feet…some habits die hard in the life of a submissive. “Scream Mistress? That’s an awfully dive-like place, don’t you think?” Davina had called Teiji to the manor, wanting to discuss a recruiting event. “Teiji, it is…but I’m without a personal pet, and I’m getting lonely. No, I don’t want you feeling badly, I let you go with all my love for you and Uta, so do not worry yourself about that. I can’t recruit at Fetish, everyone is already contracted and the pets are stale, my love.”

Teiji giggled at the thought of stale pets. “Have you talked to Madame F about this? Does she have any suggestions?” Davina had spoken with Madame F, but the woman had no advice to offer. “When did you want to go? I really should let Uta know, so he doesn’t worry. And I don’t want to keep anything from him either.” Teiji still blushed a bit when speaking about Uta, he loved the petite young man with everything he has.  Davina sat up, and reached for Teiji, who without question, kneeled beside his Mistress, “Teddy…I do miss you my love, with every ounce of my life,” Davina had tears in her eyes, “Uta is important to me as well, and I know how much you love the boy.” Teiji’s tears were falling softly. “I want you to be happy, and if your happiness is Uta…I want that for you and for him. Please, don’t worry too much about me…I will be just fine. After all, I still have you in my life,” Davina gave Teiji a slightly less than chaste kiss, but the man could never refuse his Mistress, she meant so much to him.  “Please Teiji, go home to your beautiful boy, I will think more on where we should go to find myself a suitable pet, or two.”

Davina sighed as she watched Teiji leave her room, she was lonely and it had become difficult for her to cope without her beloved Teddy. The man was still in her life, but only as a personal assistant and not as her pet and lover, yet she could not deny happiness for Teiji with Uta, just to suit her needs.  She had never enjoyed scouting for new pets, either personal or one to be trained for another dominant, it was tedious and often fraught with failure, most potential pets did not become fully contracted by her or anyone else. Davina had high standards, not allowing for any mistake or missteps from those in training. Teiji had been her career accomplishment…there was no one as obedient, as compliant or one that wanted nothing more than to serve, as Teddy. Davina could think of only one other that was even close to her Teddy, and that was Madame F’s pet, Ormond. The two men were cut from the same submissive cloth.

Davina had weighed all of this and more, when she had decided to let Teiji go…to nullify the section of his contract that kept him bound to her, in order for the man to love the tiny beautiful Uta, there was no question on what the right thing to do was. Teiji was in love with Uta, and she assumed that Uta loved the tall handsome man, it was obvious at the way they looked at each other. Teiji was not willing to give up his role as Davina’s household manager, he still loved the woman deeply and had vowed to stay by her side, keeping the woman safe and assist her in the search for a new personal pet. Looking at her day planner, Davina had decided that the following night, with Teiji accompanying her, she would go to the club Scream, and scout the talent. “God only knows what I will find there” she mused.