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"So there I was, all tied up, and you would not believe what that guy pulled out of his pocket."

"Yeah, but," Rita said, taking a bite of her Wonderburger, "that's because you told us this story, like, ten times already and each time it's different."

"Oh, shut up," Wonderella said, slurping her Wonderslushie. "He pulled out a gun. A gun. What self-respecting, self-hating and all around thoroughly messed up supervillain would threaten someone with a gun?"

"I guess maybe he wasn't, like, all smart and stuff? I mean, I wouldn't know how to put together a death ray or something."

"That's because you're not a supervillain, Rita."

"Oh."

"It's ironic, in a way," Queen Beetle said. "You'd think that anyone smart enough to build a death ray would also be smart enough to know why doing so would be a really bad idea."

"Supervillains are all idiots."

"But - "

"Shut up, Rita. I'm trying to tell a story here. So, anyway, there I was, staring down the barrel of some idiot's gun, seconds away from an inglorious death. (Building up the tension like whoa. Like, am I good at this story-telling thing or what?)"

"From your current circumstances, I think we can tell what happened next," Queen Beetle said, absently eating a few Wonderfries.

"I told him off but good. Ha, ha! No, really, you should have heard me. Probably sent him running back to his mommy, crying like Rita always does when we watch Bambi."

"Aww! You promised you wouldn't tell anyone about that!"

"And presumably, before he did that (if he did that at all), he shot you," Queen Beetle said.

"The doctors said I'll be as good as new in a year or so. Until then, I bet I can really scare the shit out of people by sneaking up on them and pretending I'm a mummy. Like, oooh, scary. Bet they won't see that coming."

"Yes. I'm sure that will come as quite a surprise."

"They'll be all like: nooo, ancient Egyptian lady, don't eat us! And I'll be all like: dude, it's me."

"So I guess maybe getting shot was kind of good?" Rita said, hesitantly.

"Absolutely," Wonderella said. "It changed my life. And that's why I support the right of every American citizen out there to carry a gun and use it whenever they want to, to shoot whomever they want to. The government may take away our rights to discriminate against gay people, and our rights to not get the health care we need because it's, like, ginormously expensive, but they can never take away our freedom."

 

[this message not brought to you by the Gun Owners' Association of America, sponsored by Wonderburger - Try It, It's Wonderful!]