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To Whom It May Concern

Chapter Text

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Pen pal Program

To whom it may concern...

As you'll see in the subject line, I'm contacting you because of the Pen pal Program. My name is Rey and I'm a student at Coruscant University. My sociology professor set my class up with the profiles. I was assigned to yours; technically it's an extra credit project, because, well, no offense but being pen pal's with someone that's in prison comes with more indifference than not.

Great, Rey. Just great. Start the letter off by insulting them.

But what else was she supposed to say? Hi, I'm Rey. Please don't kill me?

Professor Holdo told the class that they should be themselves; don't try to be too formal. The person of correspondence is in prison, a letter from the outside world is a privilege, a gift; make it worth sending. Don't waste their time.

Rey was one of eight students to say yes to the Pen pal Program. Rey wasn't even supposed to be in the sociology class but her advisor suggested that she should take an extra course. She was under her last year and going for a degree in Mechanical Engineering. She didn't want to do anything else, but her advisor said it would be good to have some backup, to be prepared if her post-University goals didn't go as planned. Rey had a very short window to pick something, and with an already heavy work load she wanted a deviation. That was her mistake. Sociology was just as challenging as the rest of her work. Prison Pen pal Program certainly put that in perspective.

Rey hit the backspace on her keyboard and decided to reword.

To whom it may concern...

As you'll see in the subject line, I'm contacting you because of the Pen pal Program. My name is Rey and I'm a student at Coruscant University. My sociology professor set my class up with the profiles. I was assigned to yours; technically it's an extra credit, because it has to be an option to say yes or no.

I'm not really sure where to take this from here, but my Professor said to be honest. Being honest would be by telling you a little bit about myself first. I'm 21, going for a degree in Mechanical Engineering, and I change oil and tires part-time to pay my way. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when I graduate, but if I want to upgrade to further repair, having official certification tends to make employers and customers feel better.

How about you, do you have any interests or hobbies?

Was that right to ask? To remind that person of something they may have used to enjoy and can't enjoy anymore? Was it appropriate to assume? After Professor Holdo addressed the concerns for safety, Rey should've opened her mouth when Holdo asked if there were any more questions.

Rey could feel a headache coming on. This letter was starting to feel like the pressure that came from deadlines and all-nighters.

To whom it may concern...

As you'll see in the subject line, I'm contacting you because of the Pen pal Program. My name is Rey and I'm a student at Coruscant University. My sociology professor set my class up with the profiles. I was assigned to yours; technically it's an extra credit, because it has to be an option to say yes or no.

I'm not really sure where to take this from here, but my Professor said to be honest. Being honest would be by telling you a little bit about myself. I'm 21, going for a degree in Mechanical Engineering, and I change oil and tires part-time to pay my way. I'm not sure what I'm going to do when I graduate, but if I want to upgrade to further repair, having official certification tends to make employers and customers feel better.

How about you, do you have any interests or hobbies? When I’m not working or at school I like to be outside. I try to start my morning with a jog and my college has a really nice sports field, I get in with casual play of volleyball and tennis. I guess I like the sports where I can really hit things.

I hope that this letter will put you in good spirits and that we will be able to continue communication.

Best wishes,
Rey.

Rey hit send before she could question herself anymore.

There was no going back now.

Chapter Text

Rey didn't get a reply until three days later. Before that, her nerves went haywire. A minute after she sent the letter Rey thought of all the different ways she could've written it and regret weighed on her. She checked her email several times a day, everyday, feeling relief and impatience at the lack of reply. What would this person think? Did she say something wrong? Did she make herself look like a fool? What if they never replied?

Then she got the notification from her phone and immediately stopped what she was doing to read the email.

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Pen pal Program

October 5th, 2017 | 6:57 PM

I'm going to keep this simple: if you want to help me find those good spirits you thought your letter would bring, you'll go back to your professor and tell them you want out of the program.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Pen pal Program

October 5th, 2017 | 6:59 PM

Excuse me? I am NOT going to go to my professor and get out of this. Why would I do that?

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Pen pal Program

October 5th, 2017 | 7:03 PM

I don't have to explain myself to you.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Pen pal Program

October 5th, 2017 | 7:04 PM

Then I don't have any reason to go see my professor.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Pen pal Program

October 5th, 2017 | 7:08 PM

If that's how you want to play it...

Okay, Rey... Hmm, Rey... Did you know that in Spanish the name Rey means King? Are you a King, Rey? A King who is a student at University, going after a difficult degree would be smart enough to say no to the program. It's not a good idea for anyone to do this; you're wasting your time. You shouldn't want to be in contact with someone like me.

I don't want to be anyone's extra credit project.


 
From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Pen pal Program

October 5th, 2017 | 7:11 PM

I am smart. I knew exactly what I was getting into when my professor made the announcement, she made sure everyone in the class was aware of the risks... and benefits... Besides, wouldn't a good King rise to the occasion? I am certainly not someone who backs down from a challenge.

You're not my extra credit project or any kind of project. I'm sorry that it came off like that. From a sociology standpoint, my professor thinks it's a good way to give back, to do some good. She said she's done it herself and offers it to her classes every year. Let's be real here, you're in prison. If it was an official assignment on record and someone said no because they were uncomfortable, it wouldn't be fair to make it a mark against them. Hence extra credit.

It's your right to end this and I can respect that, but it seems to me that maybe you would like someone to talk to. You never once said that you didn't want to, only implying that I'd be making a mistake.

I did my own research, and please, correct me if what I read was wrong, but inmates do get a say about getting into the program. So you had a choice in being involved? Care to elaborate on what the mistake really is?

By the way, I'd rather be a Queen.

Rey didn't feel nervous anymore. In fact she felt like she could take on anything.

Like a Queen.

Chapter Text

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Are you still here?

October 10th | 1:30 PM

It's been five days and I still haven't heard from you. Did I scare you off? Or was that it? You're really not going to do this? Please, let me know. If you really don't want to do this then I will go to my professor. I'll stop wasting my time and yours. Who knows, maybe she can give me another profile.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Are you still here?

October 10th | 5:08 PM

No. You don't want to do that.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Are you still here?

October 10th | 5:40 PM

You really need to stop being vague. Why don't I want to do that? You still haven't given me a real answer for anything.



From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Are you still here?

October 11th | 10:48 AM

I don't want you to ask for someone else. Because you could get someone just as bad as me, if not worse.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Are you still here?

October 11th | 10:56 AM

Don't say anything. I have more to say and I'm about to run out of time.

I’ll be back tomorrow.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Are you still here?

October 11th | 11:00 AM

Okay. I'm going to hold you to that.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Are you still here?

October 12th | 6:02 AM

Rey,

When you told me you were willing to take on a challenge... that you'd rather be a Queen... your tenacity got to me. I admire that more than you can even imagine.

I read that email every day. I'm only allowed twenty minutes of computer time and I used every second of that time to reread what you said. Believe me when I say that I've wanted to say something sooner, a lot of things in fact. I could've just told you I changed my mind about the program and asked you to leave me alone. I still should. You were right, I am here by choice. My counselor thought it would be a good idea and at the time I was having a bad day (which is more often than not), so I said yes. It appeased him, and my willingness apparently makes me look good to the system. I never thought it would actually become a reality. Who would really risk themselves with this? I'm not a good person. No one here is good.

You really need to heed that; I'm not a good person.

There has to be more of a reason than taking on a school assignment for you to want to be here. I doubt you would get into this otherwise.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Are you still here?

October 12th | 11:35 PM

It's an assignment. It's doing something good. I really do like a challenge. I could go back and forth on those things and it wouldn't be enough; I get that now. Maybe I shouldn't have had blind expectations of you. Are you ready for some more honesty?

My parents were criminals. I can count on one hand the number of people I've told this to, which now includes you. It's not easy for me to talk about. My own best friend doesn't even know the half of it.

I was four years old, the first time my parents asked me to answer the door and cry, to earn the sympathy of a landlord looking for back pay on rent. They said no one could resist a crying child. My parents were drug dealers and they weren't very good at it. Having money for their product was more important than rent, food, and other necessities. They forced me to keep up the act for the following two years in several different homes. We never stayed in once place for too long. I would cry, the landlord would give us an extension, and then we'd pack up and run. You'd think someone would've eventually caught us, but the places we stayed were lower than low. The owners didn't care what tenants did just as long as they paid the rent.

Then one day my parents sat me down and said they had to go away for work. I couldn't go with them, children weren't allowed. They didn't have anyone to watch over me either.

"You need to be good sweetheart. We love you and we'll come back."

Those words still haunt me.

But it was a lie—it was all lies.

I stayed in that place, alone, for nearly two weeks. It was cold and I had to ration what little food they left me with. They hadn't enrolled me in school. I had a TV (that’s how I knew how much time had passed) and toys that were too young for me for entertainment.

When the landlord came collecting that time, I didn't cry.

The cops took me and I was in the hands of CPS after that. They never found my parents and I still don't know what happened to them. I was raised in Foster Care, but I use the word raised loosely. Most of the families that took me in didn't care, they only wanted the extra money. It was like being left alone in that old apartment again. I was left to rot. The others... the others... it got worse. I had to learn to take care of myself. My innocence was robbed before it was time for me to grow up. By the time a good home found me I was numb. When my parents told me to be good, I took that to heart. If I stayed good then they would still come back like they promised.

Looking back on what my parents did, sometimes I think myself complicit. My therapist said I was too young to know any better. I was manipulated. I understand that, but maybe I could've done something... maybe I could’ve done something before they left me. Did I not play my role hard enough? Did I do something wrong?

Did I?

Is that what you wanted to hear?

There's not much that can surprise me anymore. I can't be one to judge. Whatever makes you think you're not good, I can handle it.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: If you insist

October 13th | 1:18 PM

Rey... I wish I had your courage.

I'm in here because my father is dead and it's my fault.

What do you have to say about that?

Chapter Text

Rey can't control the panic that sets in. She reminds herself to breathe, in and out, but warmth spreads through her body and there's no stopping it. She rereads the response and wishes she could will it go to away.

They warned her.

Oh, did they warn her.

Is it fair to be having this reaction? It was always a possibility.

Suddenly his request that she go to her professor and get out of the program makes more sense than it did before. How many times did they warn her that they weren't a good person, that it wasn't worth it? Yet Rey was stubborn; frustratingly so. She imagines this is how inmate #53282 must feel about her.

In the back of her mind she knew that whatever profile she got, the story behind it wouldn't be a good one, even something on the lines of murder. But Rey never thought that far. Considering her past, it was all too easy not to go there. It was like she was desensitized to darkness.

I'm in here because my father is dead and it's my fault.

Now she can hear her heart beating.

father is dead

Rey slammed her laptop shut and took off for the kitchen.

and it’s my fault.

She grabbed an ice pack from her freezer and placed it on her forehead. She held the ice pack with one hand and used the other to open the fridge door. She eyed leftover pizza and then Finn’s beer.

There wasn’t much of story to tell when it came to Rey’s relationship with alcohol, when it came to drinking. When she was thirteen she got drunk off her foster fathers cheap vodka to get back at him for withholding food. Rey didn’t know she needed a chaser and it made her gag and eventually she got woozy and passed out before she could decide to stop.

At age seventeen she split a bottle of wine with a would-be friend. This friend was a classmate who went home with Rey after school to study. At the time Rey was under the care Maz Kanata; one of the good ones. Maz’s house was warm and clean and Maz herself was happy and exuberant, she treated Rey with a kindness Rey had never known before. Rey had feared it was too good to be true, so when the friend made a dare that Rey break into Maz’s wine cabinet, she took an opportunity. Rey would get herself kicked out before Maz inevitably sent her away.

Only Maz didn’t do that. Maz reprimanded them in every way a parent should, told them they were wrong to do what they did and definitely too young to be drinking, and then she called the friend’s mom, and instead going to Rey’s case worker, she made Rey an appointment with a therapist.

Rey didn’t have a drinking problem, but there were a lot of underlying issues in her past that required help and since Rey’s real parents had a history with addiction, Maz wanted Rey to get set straight before it could get worse.

On Rey’s twenty-first birthday, she had a celebratory margarita. Finn insisted on it. Everyone had to have a drink when they became legal. Thanks to the therapy Rey had the cocktail with a semblance of calm. It was just a drink and she didn’t have to make it any more than that. And she only had the one drink, choosing to be responsible because she had an early class the next morning. Rey hadn’t tried anything since then.

Now she was seriously considering some liquid courage.

Did that make Rey like her parents?

What do you have to say about that?

She shut the fridge door.

No. She would be better.

She’d talk to them honestly, raw, and without a precursor. She at least owed them that.

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: If you insist

October 13th | 1:23 PM

You warned me.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: If you insist

October 13th | 1:26 PM

There it is; finally.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: If you insist

October 13th | 1:27 PM

I'm sorry.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: If you insist

October 13th | 1:28 PM

Don't be. Just tell me, can you handle it?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: If you insist

October 13th | 1:29 PM

I don't know...

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: If you insist

October 13th | 1:30 PM

That's better than no.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: If you insist

October 14th | 7:00 AM

I answered your question, now answer mine. Why did you say you wished to have my courage?

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: If you insist

October 14th | 8:30 AM

Because of what you told me about your parents. Somehow you stayed strong and picked yourself up, making yourself better despite your circumstances. At least I assume you did. How did you do that? I barely know you and I feel anger for what your parents did to you. I've never been good with restraint... even before I ended up here.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: If you insist

October 14th | 10:12 AM

I suppose being locked up means you're learning about restraint then? In more ways than one.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: LOL

October 15th | 8:00 AM

Oh. I think this is where I "LOL"? That is what the kids still do these days? LOL.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: LOL

October 15th | 9:12 AM

Kids, adults, and believe it or not, someone's grandmother on Facebook too. Who are you calling a kid anyways? You've never LOL'd before, old man?

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: LOL

October 16th | 11:36 AM

And who are you calling an old man? I’m not that old.

No, I've never had a reason to tell someone LOL. I don't quite understand why it's so popular. Not everything is THAT funny. People seem to laugh out loud at the most mundane things.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: LOL

October 16th | 2:46 PM

LOL

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: LOL

October 17th | 9:32 AM

On that note, I really did laugh though... I hadn't felt that in a long time. I didn't know how much I needed to do that.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: LOL

October 17th | 2:16 PM

You better hold onto that thought, tightly. I don’t often make other people laugh. I’m a mechanic not a comedian.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: LOL

October 18th | 3:59 PM

LOL

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: LOL

October 18th | 4:01 PM

Look at that, you're catching on rather quickly. You'll be a pro in no time.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: LOL

October 18th | 4:02 PM

No. Don't get used to it.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Let’s be honest now

October 18th | 4:03 PM

I’ll take that as a segue…

You’re still here. I’m still here.

What happens now?

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Let’s be honest now

October 19th | 5:50 PM

I could ask you the same thing.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Let’s be honest now

October 19th | 6:00 PM

But don’t you want to talk about… you know?

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Let’s be honest now

October 20th | 8:39 AM

It depends. Do you still not know if you can handle it?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Let’s be honest now

October 20th | 8:43 AM

I said I’m still here; I’m trying. Neither of us really handled this the best way in the beginning. We can only learn from that.

You know, before we get too far I really need something to call you (other than your official #). You know my name, but I don’t know yours. Maybe that will help?

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Let’s be honest now

October 20th | 8:45 AM

You can call me Kylo.

 Kylo? What kind of name is Kylo?

Chapter Text

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Let's be honest now

October 21st | 11:03 PM

Kylo… it's nice to meet you.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Let’s be honest now

October 21st | 11:40 AM

It’s nice to meet you too, Rey.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Let's be honest now

October 22nd | 9:27 AM

Is that all I get? Is there anything else I can ask?

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Let’s be honest now

October 22nd | 3:08 PM

Ask anything you want, but I won’t always guarantee an answer. Or an answer you’ll like.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Let's be honest now

October 22nd | 3:11 PM

That doesn’t help. I’m not sure where to start.

 

From: 53282@cu.edu

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Let's be honest now

October 22nd | 3:12 PM

Close your eyes, what is the first thing that comes to mind?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Let's be honest now

October 22nd | 3:13 PM

Okay. Why Kylo? I’ve never heard of the name before. Why did your parents pick Kylo? What does it mean?

 

From: 53282@cu.edu

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Let's be honest now

October 22nd | 3:13 PM

My parents didn’t choose it.

It means a lot of bad things.

That’s all I want to say about it.

For now.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Let's be honest now

October 22nd | 3:13 PM

Got it.

How about… I’ll start simple, easy things. What’s your favorite color? Favorite food? Lucky number? Day or night? Dogs or cats? Coffee or tea? Favorite place in the world?

(you said first thing that comes to mind…)

 

From: 53282@cu.edu

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Let's be honest now

October 22nd | 3:16 PM

Favorite Color: Black. Sometimes red. Red seems more fitting.

Favorite Food: Seafood. We got served fish one time here, but it was just breaded fish sticks and they were definitely from frozen. I long for some fresh shrimp or lobster.

Lucky Number: That is such an Elementary school question. I don’t believe in luck. It’s never done anything for me.

Day or Night: Before prison I would’ve said night, but now I’ve come to appreciate the day. 

Dogs or Cats: Dogs.

Coffee or Tea: I long for a good cup of coffee too.

Favorite Place in the World: Once upon a time it would’ve been up in the sky in the Falcon with my father, but that’s just old memories.

(I did. Keep them coming.)

What about you?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Let's be honest now

October 22nd | 3:18 PM

Favorite color: Probably… green.

Favorite food: I don’t have a favorite. I appreciate anything I get—it’s a side effect of growing up in the system.

Lucky number: You’re right, I guess it is childish. I don’t have a favorite number, but I know I’ve been very lucky, to be where I am now.

Day or night: Day.

Dogs or cats: Never known a dog or cat enough to decide.

Coffee or tea: I could go either way depending on my mood.

Favorite place in the world:  I guess, Maz’s. Maz is my foster mom. She was the only good home I got sent to.

 

From: 53282@cu.edu

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Let's be honest now

October 22nd | 3:19 PM

Probably green?

I can understand that, but there has got to be something that’s a favorite. A special treat or a guilty pleasure?

If luck has been on your side, then that’s fortunate for you.

If you ever get a chance to know one, go for a dog. My dad… My dad… My dad had one, a big giant hairy carpet or as my Mom liked to call him, “a walking carpet”, his name was Chewie.  Well, Chewbacca, but we called him Chewie. Chewie started hitting old age when I was born and somehow kept persevering. I don’t know how he made it so long; maybe it was in his breed. Sometimes I miss the old mutt. Dogs are the most loyal companions. Chewie was more loyal to my father than I was.

I don’t think I’ve ever had tea, but you can never go wrong with coffee.

Tell me about Maz. Please.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Let's be honest now

October 22nd | 3:20 PM

I choose green because of the earth and grass and trees and the life that comes with it. It’s the complete opposite of the brown, sand, and dust of a dry and dead wasteland of the desert. Green is better. But it’s the desert, anything could be better, really.

Hmm, I guess if I had to pick something, Maz makes pasta with homemade noodles. It was one of the first dishes she made me when I moved in. Homemade noodles with a meat and tomato sauce, and of course the homemade garlic bread too. When I have to use a box of dry noodles the meal is lackluster compared to what Maz has made. There’s also this place that has a raspberry cheesecake on their dessert menu that I order every time I go there. I never not order it. Any recommendations for a good seafood meal?

Is Chewie still alive today?

Maybe… maybe one day you’ll get a chance to try tea.

Maz is like no one I’ve ever met. She has a colorful personality that can come at you fast, but she’s all heart. She has an uncanny way with people; I swear sometimes she must be psychic. She owns a restaurant and knows what the customers want before they do themselves. But that’s a story (or two) for another time. Maz went out of her way to try and fix all the disadvantages I grew up with. It’s because of her I started therapy and got my GED and am now in college. I don’t know where I’d be without her. I owe Maz everything—not that she’d see it like that. She told me once that seeing my development and my achievements were enough for her. I think maybe that’s another reason why I agreed the program, doing good and giving back, Maz is all about that.

 

From: 53282@cu.edu

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Let's be honest now

October 22nd | 3:21 PM

The desert? Any chance you’ve lived on Tatooine?

That must be the best cheesecake you’ve ever had. If you’re into pasta I definitely recommend a seafood linguine, then there is scallops and risotto, lobster, and of course you can never go wrong with fish and chips.

I don’t know, but to be honest, I hope he isn’t. Dogs are meant to live as long as us, Chewie would be suffering if he was still alive.

Maybe… but I wouldn’t get my hopes up.

I stand by what I said about the lucky number, but it seems Maz is definitely your good luck charm. Trust me when I say, you don’t ever want to lose her.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Let's be honest now

October 22nd | 3:22 PM

I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but I wish. For a desert Tatooine certainly would’ve been a step up from Jakku.

Thanks for the suggestions, and not just for the food.

 

From: 53282@cu.edu

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Let's be honest now

October 22nd | 3:23 PM

Jakku?! Please tell me you’re joking, that an LOL should be following? How could anyone willingly choose to live on Jakku?! There’s nothing there. You could probably go there to get rid of junk and bury bodies; that’s it.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Let's be honest now

October 22nd | 3:24 PM

No joke. I was born there.

Are you sure that’s really what you want to be saying right now?! Not a good idea.

 

From: 53282@cu.edu

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Let's be honest now

October 22nd | 3:25 PM

I’m sorry.

It’s still the truth. Besides, what could possibly hurt me any more? I’m already in prison.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Let's be honest now

October 22nd | 3:26 PM

You still shouldn’t say that.

What are you sorry for?

 

From: 53282@cu.edu

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Let's be honest now

October 22nd | 3:26 PM

I’m sorry for Jakku. Better yet, for your parents, sorry that they couldn’t have given you better than Jakku. You deserve better.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Let's be honest now

October 24th | 6:00 AM

I’m sorry too.

Chapter Text

From53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Are you okay?

October 24th | 4:58 PM

Did I upset you? I feel like I upset you.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Are you okay?

October 24th | 5:03 PM

No you didn't upset me.

 

From53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Are you okay?

October 24th | 5:03 PM

But something is wrong?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Are you okay?

October 24th | 5:03 PM

I don't know.

 

From53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Are you okay?

October 24th | 5:04 PM

I understand.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Are you okay?

October 24th | 5:04 PM

No one has ever said I deserve better before.

 

From53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Are you okay?

October 24th | 5:05 PM

Clearly anyone you’ve ever known has been a fool.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Are you okay?

October 24th | 5:06 PM

Not everyone, not Maz.

 

From53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Are you okay?

October 24th | 5:07 PM

Will you be okay?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Are you okay?

October 24th | 5:09 PM

Just give me a few minutes.

Distract me? Please.

 

From53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Are you okay?

October 24th | 5:10 PM

I don’t have a lot of time left. I don’t know what I could say to help.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.edu

Subject: Are you okay?

October 24th | 5:10 PM

You were the one who encouraged me to speak my mind. Say anything.

 

From53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Q&A (Continued)

October 24th | 5:11 PM

Okay…

Do you have a favorite book?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.edu

Subject: Q&A (Continued)

October 24th | 5:12 PM

Its cliché, but it’s the Harry Potter series. I saw the movies before I read the books. When I was in high school (before Maz) sometimes I’d skip lunch so I could use that time to go to the library and read. I couldn’t afford to actually check books out and take them home because there was never a guarantee of how long I’d be there. I’d read the books and get lost in the magic. It was the best part of my day. Sometimes I felt like Harry Potter. I wanted Hogwarts to be my home too.

Favorite movie?

 

From53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Q&A (Continued)

October 24th | 5:12 PM

The Lord of the Rings.

Have you ever been fired from a job?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.edu

Subject: Q&A (Continued)

October 24th | 5:13 PM

Yes. In high school I had a job bagging groceries. It was my first job that had real documentation and came with check stubs. Bagging groceries is easy, too easy, but I wasn’t very good at adhering to "the customer is always right". Sometimes customers had a preference of how they wanted their food bagged, that was fine, but I couldn't stay quiet when they wanted me to put heavy items on a loaf of bread or a bag of chips. I called them out. Why spend money on food that is going to be squished and ruined? They were lucky enough to have that luxury and it shouldn't be squandered. The manager said my attitude wasn't good for business and scared customers away. But the customers weren't going anywhere; it was the only grocery store for thirty miles.

Same question.

 

From53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Q&A (Continued)

October 25th | 9:13 AM

I was an RA in college. I was tough and a stickler for the rules. When the other students would try to buddy me up and sell me a sob story, I had no sympathy. I wasn't there to make friends. They were always complaining about me and eventually got fed up. I was more pushed out than fired. It came to be a relief. I had never had a job before, at least not the after school part time experience. My parents had enough money that I never had to consider it. I know... I’m the privileged rich boy.

If you weren't taking courses for mechanical engineering what would you be going for?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.edu

Subject: Q&A (Continued)

October 25th | 9:16 AM

(I didn’t think that for even a second.)

I had strongly thought of social work once. I thought I could get on the inside and make the system better, but I remember my own caseworker; they always made promises, told me it was going to get better. I was seventeen when I was placed with Maz. I love Maz and appreciate everything she's done for me, but if the system wasn't so flawed, maybe I wouldn't have had to wait so long to get there. I resented my caseworker for a while. I decided I didn't want to look at someone else like myself and give them false hope. I thought that made me a bad person to not give back where I knew it best. My therapist helped me see that it's not bad to put myself first. Going back into the system could've potentially put me back in a bad place.

Do you believe in aliens?

 

From53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Q&A (Continued)

October 25th | 9:17 AM

I did when I was kid. I read science fictions novels and watched The X-Files. Sometimes I even wished they would come and take me away, but today, the question of them being real or not has no bearing on my life; especially now.

Your apartment is fire and you only have time to save one item, what do you save?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.edu

Subject: Q&A (Continued)

October 25th | 9:19 AM

Only time for one thing? You underestimate me. I’m always prepared to move my stuff on a moment’s notice. But my laptop would be the most important; I’d be lost at school without it.

Should kids under the age of eighteen be allowed to vote?

 

From53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Q&A (Continued)

October 26th | 6:30 PM

It depends on how willing younger generations are to learn about politics and world issues. Some are smart enough and some aren't and have a lot more to learn. It's a rather immense responsibility to be able to vote for something that could change the future of the world. It's too much pressure at a young age. Some might even say eighteen is too young. There is also the rising rate of non-voters to consider... what if those kids were willing to vote when adults won't?

You're lost, do you ask for directions or try to find your own way?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.edu

Subject: Q&A (Continued)

October 26th | 6:34 PM

I wouldn't be hesitant to ask for help, the worst that could happen is that someone doesn't know. Or you find someone who doesn't want to be asked. These days, if someone at least has a decent smartphone, then they have some form of basic GPS or maps. You'd have to go somewhere that really is out of the way to be lost. Finding your own way could be an adventure. You can't really go wrong either way.

Where is the most interesting place you’ve been?

 

From53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Q&A (Continued)

October 26th | 6:37 PM

Naboo. My Mom inherited a lake house there. You'd probably like it; it's surrounded by an abundance green, water, and fresh air. The house is warm and inviting. It's the kind of place you go to when you want to get away, to find some peace. You have to want to check out of your stress or anxiety before going there, to keep it a safe place.

Do you have a dream home?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.edu

Subject: Q&A (Continued)

October 26th | 6:39 PM

I'd be lying if I say I haven't thought about it, that I thought of having a house instead of an apartment, a happy place where I got to grow up with my parents, but that was a pipe dream. I've learned to appreciate what I have. As long as I have a roof, a bed, a shower, heat, and food, that's good enough for me. Maybe one day I can have a place to call my own, but I need to finish school, work, and save money.

What were you in college for?

 

From53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Q&A (Continued)

October 27th | 4:19 PM

I wanted to be a lawyer.

How did you end up from Jakku to Coruscant? Does Maz live in Coruscant?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.edu

Subject: Q&A (Continued)

October 27th | 4:20 PM

Maz is from Takodana. I picked Courscant for school because I got a partial scholarship and it had the better programs for mechanical engineering.

What have you only recently formed an opinion about?

 

From53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Q&A (Continued)

October 28th | 11:58 AM

It seems that this program isn’t as a bad as I had initially thought.

Because of you.

Chapter Text

Rey has never hated being in a grocery store more than she does in this moment. She had a list of stuff to get for a Halloween party, at the request of Finn. But he kept calling her and changing his mind about what he wanted. They were on their fourth conversation.

"There's some candy corn on sale."

"Candy corn? Candy corn?! Peanut this is a Halloween party not a five year olds birthday."

Rey holds back a groan. She didn't understand why Finn was making a big deal over a Halloween party. It was only a party. There'd be Halloween themed decorations, candy, drinks, and music, just like every other place within the campus distance would be doing. A party at their apartment wouldn't be any better.

Finn had been on the extreme side of excitement with planning and shopping for decorations, he all but demanded Rey make a contribution, insisting that it be a joint effort since it was her apartment too.

Thanks for the consideration, Finn.

But Rey was a good friend and didn't want to bring down his good mood. Though there was no way she was blowing a lot of money on items that would only get a night worth of use. She'd rather spend her money on post-Halloween candy clearance. Rey's job at the auto shop was part time and her money only went so far. Rent, food, and school bills were more important than Halloween supplies. She already had two of the family size bags of orange and black M&M's ($10 each), the ingredients for a boozy themed slushies, and plastic cups; the total on the calculator was currently at forty-seven dollars and change. She still needed to hold some money to get a costume. Skinny jeans, headphones, and sulking under an oversized hoodie as a stressed out college student wasn't acceptable this year.

Maybe it’s her own fault, waiting until the day before Halloween to do this. Rey could put out all the common excuses in the book, that she was busy with work and classes, she hadn't had any free time, but Finn's planning had been overwhelming and she kept putting it off.

"Can you get any louder? Candy corn is practically a Halloween staple." She was on the verge of whining.

"Candy corn is disgusting," Finn complained.

"But it's on sale, two for three dollars."

Then she decided to change tactics, "Think of it this way… get enough people drinking and they probably won't notice the disgusting taste. I’m sure there is someone we can pawn any leftovers on. "

Go for it. Go for it. Oh, please, go for it.

She didn’t want to be in the grocery store anymore. More than an hour had passed since she walked in. How did that happen?

"Fine," Finn finally concedes. Rey doesn't waste any more time. There's a sigh of relief, a promise to see Finn later, and she ends the call without a goodbye. That's what he gets for forcing this party on her. She even paid for her items at the self-checkout lane to move faster.

At the Halloween store there are not a lot of good costumes left. In Rey's size there's a witch costume, a Black Widow suit (complete with a red wig), a ghost, Wonder Woman's signature outfit and gear, a sexy pumpkin costume, nurse scrubs, and a 1920's flapper dress.

None of the costumes inspire her and Finn would give her a hard time if she went for something as simple as the scrubs or the ghost. He'd want her to really get into it and embody the spirit of Halloween.

She side-eyed the pumpkin costume.

She had no desire to go to another store.

She grabbed her phone and sent out a quick email.

To Kylo.

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Help?!

October 30th | 3:47 PM

If you had to pick, a witch, Black Widow, Wonder Woman, or a 1920's girl?

She pockets her phone after and waits. She hasn’t heard from Kylo yet today, but based on their past correspondence, she hopes his twenty minutes will be coming soon. Rey doesn’t want to ponder on why she decided to go to Kylo of all people. She could’ve called Rose or Connix or anyone else. Maybe it’s because she can expect an opinion without to many expectations, or at least, an honest one. Even when Kylo was brash, his honesty was surprisingly refreshing. He didn’t have the time or luxury to mess around. She really needed that in her life.

An hour later Rey is killing time at a coffee shop when she finally gets an email notification on her phone. In her eagerness to read the reply she kept typing her phone's pass code wrong.

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Help?!

October 30th | 4:47 PM

Why? What is this in reference to?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Help?!

October 30th | 4:48 PM

Halloween. I need a costume. My roommate and I are throwing a party (more him than me) and its costume required of course. I can't decide.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Help?!

October 30th | 4:49 PM

You do realize Halloween is tomorrow, right?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Help?!

October 30th | 4:49 PM

I know. I'm not into it like he wants me to be, but it is my apartment too and I'd rather participate, albeit begrudgingly, than hide in my room or be kicked out. I'm contributing food and supplies too. I need to get my money’s worth.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Help?!

October 30th | 4:50 PM

What is it that you don't like? Halloween? Parties? Or both?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Help?!

October 30th | 4:51 PM

A little of both... maybe... I don’t know… I think I went trick-or-treating once, maybe twice, when my parents were still around, it’s hard to remember. I used to hand out candy at Maz's restaurant, but my costume was my work uniform. Maz would go all out and transform the place, the other waiters would dress up, and I stayed in my uniform and would joke to customers that I'm a waitress for Halloween. It doubled my usual tips that night; so there was that. Eventually I moved out for college and did my own thing. Halloween hasn't been important to me. I can try a party (it is the college experience after all) as long as it doesn't get to out of control, then I’m out.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Help?!

October 30th | 4:51 PM

If you're uncomfortable with the party, tell your roommate. It shouldn't be forced on you.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Help?!

October 30th | 4:53 PM

He means well. I guess I haven't acknowledged that yet, because he does, he wouldn't make me do something I didn't want to do, but he's excited and it's a big deal for him. He's my best friend and I do want to support him. But he's determined to make it a party to remember. The word Halloween comes out of his mouth more than anything the past couple of weeks. I’ve come to detest it all. I wish it was over with already.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Help?!

October 30th | 4:54 PM

Well, in the case, I'd go with the Black Widow or Wonder Woman costume. Both of them are characters who endure and persevere through hardships even when they don't want to and that seems very fitting to you.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Help?!

October 30th | 4:55 PM

I still can't decide between the two. The Black Widow costume doesn't have a lot to it, but its skin tight, that makes me wary. The Wonder Woman outfit is the same issuesort of, it shows more skin than what I'm comfortable with. I'm probably too skinny to be an Amazon warrior any way.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Help?!

October 30th | 4:56 PM

Don't doubt yourself, I'm sure you look... fine. Get a cape. If I remember correctly, Wonder Woman wears a cape. That should be easy to pick up anywhere that sells costumes. You can cover any potential exposure and have room to move around comfortably.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Help?!

October 30th | 4:57 PM

That’s a good idea, a really good idea. If I’m going to be Wonder Woman will you be my Steve Trevor?

Rey pauses and her eyes go wide. Her finger hovers over the send button. Where is this coming from?

Delete.

Delete.

Delete!

Chapter Text

Rey took a deep breath and hit the back key on her phone, but it was too late, the message sent. There wasn't anything she could do to take it back. She felt panicked and she really didn't want to be. It was a harmless and fun message. She got caught up in the moment, nothing more.

But it was easy to forget that she was corresponding with a prisoner. An isolated prisoner locked up for murder. What would he think of it? Would he think of it as fun too? Maybe laugh? Or think she's weird and feel put off? She wouldn’t blame him if he decided to stop talking to her now.

If I’m going to be Wonder Woman will you be my Steve Trevor?

It was nothing.

It didn't have to be anything.

She swiped down from the top of her phone and turned her volume setting to silent and abandoned her table and half-empty cup of coffee. She had to get back to the costume store before it closed.


CU MAIL reyjax@cu.edu | 5:00 PM
Kylo
Help?!

NOTIFICATION SETTINGS     CLEAR


An hour and nearly fifty dollars less later Rey is back at her apartment. She didn't look at her phone again until she got settled.

It took him three minutes to respond.

Three minutes is not a lot of time.

But a lot can happen in three minutes when you’re lost in your thoughts. She knows.

Not to mention that he only gets twenty minutes for replies. He probably ran out of time.

It's nothing. She tells herself again.

It's normal reaction to be nervous and want to hide from this kind of situation. She wants know what he said, but not knowing feels better. 

Rey heard the sound of keys being inserted in the door from the outside. Finn was home. Once he was inside he wasted no time in asking her if she got a costume. The door wasn't even shut all the way behind him yet.

Rey answered him with a barely there nod.

"Well? Give me a little something here," Finn implored.

Rey grabbed her bag from the store and tossed it in his direction.

"That's more like it," Finn said when he caught the bag.

He looked inside the bag with so much excitement you'd think he was a kid getting a gift for the first time.

"Wonder Woman?! Wonder Woman! I can see it!" Translation, Rey, you're so Wonder Woman. The same reaction Kylo had. Hmm.

"I guess. Take a look at the receipt. You do know that's about fifty bucks I could've spent on groceries or put aside? That and the money I spent on your list of supplies."

Finn groaned. "You're no fun."

Rey rolled her eyes. He'd only told her that every day since he started planning the party. It wasn't a bad thing to be conscious of her spending habits. It was her last year of college, she didn't want to graduate and be unprepared without a little something to back her up. Maz covered her books, helped with the down payment and security deposit on the apartment when Rey wanted to get out of the dorms, and put money in Rey's account here and there, but there was no way she could've paid for a full four year education and Rey never expected her to. Maz didn't struggle with money, but because of the restaurant people assumed Maz had it made. They didn't understand that the money the restaurant brought in stayed with the restaurant, paying bills, supplies, employees, and everything else in-between.

"Finn did you forget that I'm on a partial scholarship? I'm still going to be paying off my loan for years after we graduate. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a rich godfather funding us." She said it without malice or judgment. It was the Halloween frustration talking. Had there been times Rey had was envious? Yes, of course. But Rey never begrudged him. Finn was raised by his older grandparents who were on a fixed income. His godfather decided to take the pressure off to better Finn's future. He would've been a fool to pass it up. It how was how he ended up being her roommate. They were friends before they were roommates, but Rey had wanted someone with a guaranteed income that wouldn't leave her in the lurch, that's when Finn confessed about his finances.

"If it will make you feel better I'll reimburse you. For the food at least." Finn acquiesced.

"Yes you will.”

At least she had that.

It was only fair since Finn had volunteered her without asking.

She touched CLEAR on her phone and watched the notification disappear.

"Rey, we have to talk about this cape."


Other notifications and emails came throughout the rest of the day.

She opened them.

Kylo’s email still remained untouched.

The email sat in her inbox; his name and subject still bolded. The start of his reply was cut off below.

She purposely ignored it.

She'd take the embarrassment later.


It was finally Halloween night.

The decorations were placed around the apartment, the snacks and drinks prepared and ready for consumption, and some kind of Halloween themed hip-hop music blasted from the living room. How cliché.

There's a hard knock to the door of Rey's room, "Rey! Hurry up it's getting started!"

"I'll be out in a few minutes! Relax!" She yelled back.

Truthfully, she's been hiding. Rey put the Wonder Woman costume on and was surprised with how comfortable it was. Probably because it was designed off the movie version and the bottom piece fits more like a skirt than underwear.

It's not like her to enjoy things like this.

She still has to put the tiara on and attach the golden lasso to her side.

But the lasso would be pointless once she put the cape on. No one would be able to see it.

It was a basic hooded cape made of thin material, but the important detail was it being black. The sales associate said Wonder Woman had a black cape in the movie and it was the only thing they had left to fit the look. Finn knew right away that she wanted it to hide. She all but begged him not to argue with her on it. Rey would make an effort to enjoy the party if he'd leave her alone about the cape.

For a moment she wanted to tell him that it was Kylo's idea, that she had Kylo's support, but Finn didn't know Kylo or what their conversations consisted of. Finn knew he was in the program, but out of respect for Kylo and other mandated program rules, what was said between them stayed between them.

What would Kylo say if he were here right now?

He'd probably tell Finn to fuck off and encourage do what she wants.

She sighed.

It was time to open the email.


From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Help?!

October 30th | 4:56 PM

Looks like you got the persona down. That was very Wonder Woman of you to say, very bold.

I'm afraid I wouldn't fit in at a college party. And certainly not as a hero.

Too bad.

She should feel relief.

Should she?

But what did he mean?

Too bad?

Too bad that he wouldn't fit in? Too bad that he can't go to parties? Too bad that he can't be a hero? Too bad about what?

Now Rey was getting an idea of what he was feeling. She shouldn't have ignored him.

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Happy Halloween

October 31st | 8:03 PM

I'm sorry.

I did end up buying the Wonder Woman costume. I found a cape too.

I feel odd wearing it, but it's surprisingly comfortable.

My friend did my hair and makeup. But she kept the makeup to a light look, says Wonder Woman is natural beauty since she's a goddess.

I don't have the boots. That would've cost a lot more. Wonder Woman can work in flats, right? I wouldn't make it through the night in those long styled boots.

I wish you could see.

This time she keeps the thought to herself.

But what's one more day of venturing off course? If she hadn't scared him off now, what would? She had to give him something.

She was quick to add the tiara and lasso and then she turned the camera on in her phone, touching it to reverse it for a selfie.

The first shot only gets her face and her expression is awkward at best. Rey doesn't take a lot of selfies.

The second time Rey held her phone out in front of her and manages a somewhat decent shot from her hips and up, but the feeling of exposure hit again.

That's when she added the cape. It was Kylo's idea after all.

Capture three returns to another awkward take at seeing her arm peeking out of the cape. So she stood her phone up on her dresser against the wall, set a timer on the camera, and stood back. A slight smile curved her lips and the automatic flash followed.

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Happy Halloween

October 31st | 8:07 PM

How does it look?

1 attachment

Chapter Text

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Rey...

November 3rd | 7:57 AM

Oh. Rey... Why did you do that?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Rey...

November 3rd | 10:11 AM

Why did I do what?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Rey...

November 3rd | 10:12 AM

The picture? You're asking about the picture, of course. You didn't like it? I hope that's not the case since it was your idea, especially the cape. I surprisingly got a lot of compliments about it the other night.

"Awesome costume!"

"Wonder Woman! That's perfect! I loved the movie!"

"I never thought I'd see you as Wonder Woman. You look good."

My roommate kept trying to get me out of the cape, he felt like I was hiding myself. Of course he was right, not that I let him win that one. Someone I don't even know (probably a friend of my roommates or just a random partygoer) tried to pull it off me while tipsy.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Rey...

November 4th | 12:29 PM

Are you okay? Did they hurt you?!

That doesn't surprise me.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Rey...

November 4th | 5:06 PM

No. I mean, no they didn't hurt me! I'm okay. But I may have hurt him. I grabbed him by the wrist and told him if he ever did that to me or anyone ever again he'd lose an arm. Then he cried. He definitely had too much Halloween punch. You really do have to drink enough of it to get past the bad taste.

What doesn't surprise you?

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Rey...

November 5th | 4:59 PM

I'm glad you're okay.

It doesn't surprise me that you got compliments on the costume.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Rey...

November 5th | 5:50 PM

Okay, now you're giving me whiplash. You don't seem happy that I sent the photo, then you're not surprised...

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Rey...

November 6th | 9: 00 AM

Rey... The costume looked great, honestly. It looks like I was right about the cape too.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Rey...

November 6th | 9:07 PM

You were right.

T here's a "but" in there though. I can feel it.

But???

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Rey...

November 6th | 9: 08 AM

But you shouldn't have sent the picture.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Rey...

November 6th | 9:09 PM

There is nothing against sending pictures in the rules, in the guidelines. Trust me, I read those over and over before I sent you the first email.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Rey...

November 6th | 9: 10 AM

I know. I know that better than anyone.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Rey...

November 6th | 9:10 PM

I guess I should have asked you or sent a warning that I was going send a picture. I'm sorry.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Rey...

November 6th | 9: 11 AM

A warning would have been nice. It certainly would've prepared me.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Rey...

November 6th | 9:12 PM

I'm sorry. So sorry.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Rey...

November 6th | 9: 13 AM

I should say "don't be". You shouldn't have to be sorry for my issues.

I'm struggling with this, Rey.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Rey...

November 6th | 9:14 PM

Why are you struggling?

Talk to me.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Rey...

November 6th | 9: 14 AM

I don't know how. It's... hard... to talk about.

Oh god...

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Rey...

November 6th | 9:15 PM

You told me once to speak my mind, to let go. Take your own advice.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Kylo?

November 8th | 7:25 AM

You still here?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Kylo?

November 9th | 10:57 AM

Did I lose you?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Kylo?

November 9th | 10:58 AM

I say it again: I'm sorry.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Kylo?

November 10th | 8: 33 PM

No. I'm still here. I needed some time to think.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Kylo?

November 10th | 8: 36 PM

Rey, I had a reaction to the picture. You probably won't like the reason why. I know I don't.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Kylo?

November 10th | 9:40 PM

You said it looked great or did I imagine that?

Yeah. I reread the earlier email. The word GREAT was definitely used.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Kylo?

November 11th | 3:04 PM

That's ironic; because when I opened your picture I was sure I was imagining things. When it hit me, it hit me... my body reacted... Do you understand that? I'm not proud of myself for saying this to you right now. I've been isolated for so long; you send that picture, and something inside me wakes up. It was a shock in more ways than one. I haven't seen a woman, let alone a woman that looks like you for so long... And there you are in that costume... I see someone more beautiful than I've imagined, and I reacted. For a moment it felt good; to know that could still happen to me... Then I'm crushed with guilt, because it's disrespectful to you. Extremely disrespectful.

That's why you shouldn't have sent the picture.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Kylo?

November 11th | 5:38 PM

Oh...

OH!

Oh......

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Kylo?

November 11th | 5:40 PM

I'll own up to not asking or warning you beforehand, but it's not fair to completely blame me. I don't control your body. That's on you.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Kylo?

November 11th | 5:43 PM

How could you say that?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Kylo?

November 11th | 5:44 PM

I'm infuriated.

 

They say anger can sometimes cloud judgment. The cause and effect can lead to actions that later lead to regret.

Maybe she will regret this later.

But right now Rey wants to teach Kylo a lesson. She thinks of their earlier conversations, when she asserted herself as a queen. That power is coursing through her veins, and it feels good. Too good. It's taking over her.

She might've dealt with what he said if he hadn't blamed her. Rey apologized more than once and he has the gall to say he's feeling guilty, but he can't say sorry in return? Why is it her fault? How dare he say that?

How dare you, Kylo?

Rey waited until she's alone, and still locked herself in her bedroom. There is no way she'd be able to explain what she's planned to Finn if he ever found out.

She sat down on her bed and hastily took off the shirt she was wearing. Underneath she has on a simple, cotton, black bra; no wire or extra padding. Essentially it's a cheap bra. Her cup size is a B, sometimes nearing C depending on what brand she buys. The rest of her body is skinny and has zero signs of curves. Finn and Rose like to say Rey is more petite than she realizes. It's never been a bother for before.

It won't be a bother now.

She has to act fast.

She turned around to the headboard and rearranged her pillows so they were piled to give her extra support. Then she pulled her hair out of the tight ponytail holding it all in. Her brown tresses are straight and lacking in volume or style, but they still land nicely on her shoulder.

It looked perfect when she laid back on the bed. It's messy like the rest of her.

Kylo's words about being beautiful cloud her thoughts.

Maybe he wouldn't mind that she's not so put together.

Rey grabbed her phone from the nightstand next to her, typed in the unlock code, and turned on the camera. She hadn't switched it off selfie since Halloween night.

She held her phone above her and observed herself through the screen.

There is a determination to get it right on the first take this time. She moved the phone around until she caught an angle that should capture her face and down through her chest.

She tapped the center of the screen and the flash shined through.

Rey took in a deep breath and counted to ten. 

She pondered with the idea of putting her shirt back on before opening the email app, but why go back now?

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 11th | 7:49 PM

This is a WARNING. I'm sending you another picture. I hope you can control yourself this time.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 11th | 7:50 PM

1 attachment

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 11th | 7:51 PM

If it will make you feel better, you can send me one too.

Chapter Text

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 14th | 6:21 PM

You asked for it, Rey. I hope this makes you feel better.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 14th | 6:21 PM

1 attachment

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 14th | 6:27 PM

Let me make this clear, I never specifically asked for it. I simply made an offer and gave you an opening to be more comfortable.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 14th | 6:28 PM

Comfort is the opposite of what I'm feeling right now.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 14th | 6:29 PM

Now, maybe, you have some kind of idea of how I felt when you blamed me.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 14th | 6:31 PM

Alright.

What about now?

Did you open the attachment?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 14th | 6:31 PM

Do you want me to?

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 14th | 6:32 PM

You can do what you want. I can't stop you.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 14th | 6:32 PM

Do. You. Want. Me. Too?!

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 14th | 6:32 PM

I should not do this.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 14th | 6:33 PM

That sounds like you're considering it.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 14th | 6:32 PM

...yes.

Do it. Open it.

I don't have a lot of time. Let me know what you think.

Something to look forward to.

 

When the attachment downloaded and opened on her computer screen, it hit Rey fast, all at once. Kylo is nothing she ever expected. His selfie is reflecting Rey had done in hers—shirtless, laid down on his back, and looking up at the camera, his lips are holding back a smirk and his eyes are hooded... looking directly her.

Kylo has black, layered hair that goes down to his shoulders, brown eyes, and an overall broad frame making her wonder just how tall he might be.

His chest and abdomen are profound, practically otherworldly. His muscles are incredibly tight and hard that he'd be easy to notice from far away; a six-pack that would be hard to deny.

If he's that well defined there then down below he has to be...

Rey shut her eyes and turned away from her laptop and to take in deep breath.

He can't be real.

While not innocent Rey's experiences with men where limited. She had never seen a man, let alone anyone who looked like Kylo.

Her first sexual encounter happened at age sixteen. It was shared with a neighbor of the same age who identified more as gender fluid than male. They were lanky, awkward, and so white she was convinced they never went outside. Under duress of being in another shitty home, coupled with teenage angst and hormones, she let herself get lost in someone else. Rey and the neighbor continued an unofficial friends with benefits arrangement, on and off for nearly a year until Rey was pulled out by her social worker. By the time she got into college Rey had been well into therapy and looking to focus on her studies rather than relationships or sex. But it was the college scene; she had seen and heard things over the years that couldn't have been avoided.

Kylo put all of that to shame.


From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 14th | 6:39 PM

Oh my god.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 15th | 9:04 AM

I'm disappointed. I expected more from you.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 15th | 12:09 PM

There is no way you're real.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 16th | 7:58 AM

What you see is what you get.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 16th | 11:44 AM

I mean... How? Your chest looks like it was chiseled. Your muscles don't seem to end (or really begin, they're just there). Were you born like that or does your family have a really good gene pool?

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 17th | 2:13 PM

There is equipment here. I have a lot of time to work out. Too much time.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 17th | 5:08 PM

I'm speechless.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 10:00 AM

You were truly speechless you would've sent me a blank message.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 10:03 AM

Now is not the time to be a smartass.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 10:04 AM

Then tell me what you're really thinking

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 10:07 AM

I... want to... I want to touch you... I want to help with whatever discomfort you're feeling...

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 10:08 AM

Rey...

Are you sure about this?

It's a big deal.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 10:09 AM

Oh, I'm certain something is big alright.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 10:09 AM

REY!

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 10:10 AM

Okay. Consider this as me giving my consent.

Yes, I want this.

If you don't want this then we'll move on... well, I will. You might have to handle the problem yourself.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 10:11 AM

Now I like that, very cheeky.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 10:13 AM

If you want it, just let it happen.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 19th | 7:30 PM

I don't have a lot of time.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:30 PM

Better get to it then.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 19th | 7:31 PM

You said you like the way my chest looks... you said you wanted to touch it...  What would you do?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:31 PM

I'd skim over every curve, line, and muscle with my fingers. Your warm to my touch, it feels good.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:31 PM

Very good.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:31 PM

Then I'd follow those same spots with my lips, with my tongue, making sure no part of your chest is left untouched.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:32 PM

I'm startled—only for a moment—when I feel your tongue. I have to do something with my hands. I reach out and grab you. You're on top of me, fully clothed.

What are you wearing?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:33 PM

Dark leggings and a grey top (short sleeved with a V-neck)

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:33 PM

What's underneath?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:33 PM

A black bra and panty set.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:33 PM

Same bra as before?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:34 PM

The exact same bra.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:34 PM

My hands reach around your back, go under your shirt, and rub up and down your skin. Then I hook my fingers into the fabric and pull your shirt off.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:35 PM

I sit up, reach behind my back and unclasp my bra, taking it off.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:35 PM

My hands go straight for the goods.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:35 PM

Oh, god...

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:35 PM

No. Not God. Say my name, Rey.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:35 PM

Kylo...

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:36 PM

I cup your mounds, squeezing, touching, pinching...

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:36 PM

But that's not enough for me. I seize you by the shoulders and pull you up. I bring your face to my chest.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:36 PM

I take your nipple into my mouth. I'm greedy and waste no time sucking it in. I alternate between both. I'm in a frenzy. Everything is getting warmer.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:37 PM

I moan and tug at your hair. Then I slip my hand below and reach inside your pants.

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:37 PM

Yes, just like that.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:37 PM

I tease you at first, running my fingers around your... around your cock, when it feels you're slowing down with my tits is when I grab you.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:38 PM

I can't help it, I react and bite down on the tip of your mound and bury my face further into your chest.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:38 PM

Kylo... Oh, Kylo...

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:38 PM

I'd beg you to move your fingers. Please. Please. Please.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:39 PM

I apply pressure on your cock and start pumping with my hand.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:39 PM

It's been so long. It feels so good. I don't know if I'm going to last long.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:40 PM

Yes, you can, just a little bit more. For me. Please.

I'll slow down, just for a few seconds so I can use both of my hands to work with your pants and pull your cock completely out.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:41 PM

Rey...

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:42 PM

I grab your hand in mine and put the both of us on you, moving our hands up and down, helping you set a pace.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:43 PM

My lips detach from your tits. I use my free hand grip your waist.

This is the hottest thing I've done and I'm not even inside you.



From
: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:44 PM

It is for me too...

I let go of you, arch my back, and push my chest out.

When you finish, I want you to come on me.


From
: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:45 PM

That does it. I move my hand, almost furiously and when my balls tighten I take one final grip beneath the head of my cock and point it up at you. My cum goes everywhere.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:45 PM

Oh god... Did you... Did you really...?

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:46 PM

Yes... Did you?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:46 PM

It's... It's hard to type and... touch myself... but I'm close and have a visual to help.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 18th | 7:46 PM

FUCK!

Chapter Text

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 19th | 7:08 AM

Rey, that was amazing.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 19th | 3:37 PM

I didn't know doing that in this kind of situation would feel just as good. It's a new level of being unbidden.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 20th | 11:54 AM

I concur. It was worth it.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 20th | 12:00 PM

Thank you.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 20th | 12:01 PM

I'm sorry, I forgot to ask. Did you get there? Did the visual help?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 20th | 8:52 PM

Yes...

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 21st | 9:16 AM

Rey...

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 21st | 9:16 AM

Rey... I need...

I'm begging you, PLEASE tell me more.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 21st | 9:16 AM

Please...

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 21st | 9:20 AM

Well, when you say it like that...

I pictured... I pictured you taking over and putting your mouth on my pussy.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 21st | 9:21 AM

I just choked.

What exactly did I do?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 21st | 9:22 AM

So eager.

It seems getting some relief has done wonders for you.

(I like it.)

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 21st | 9:23 AM

You can't even begin to imagine how much it has.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 21st | 9:24 AM

If you could see me right now, you'd see me winking.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:04 PM

I was thinking... It's not fair that in the scene we didn't get to continue for you...

I'll ask again, with your visual, what did I do?

If you'll allow it?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:06 PM

You're right... Definitely not fair. There was still much more to explore.

I absolutely allow it.

You had just come all over my chest...

After that you surprised me and gripped my hips to flip me over so we could switch. You put me on my back and you got on top. You look down at me, planning, grinning like a madman.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:07 PM

I've made quite the mess on you. I have to do something about that.

I reach out and use my index finger to sweep through your cum covered skin.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:07 PM

I ask you to let me have a taste.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:07 PM

Oh fuck. I can't believe you just said that.

But I'm glad you did.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:08 PM

You better. Don't keep me waiting.

I open my mouth.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:08 PM

I take a deep breath and stick my finger in your mouth.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:08 PM

I instantly close my lips and immediately take to sucking.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:08 PM

I groan, deep, and hard, my body reacts and my hips jerk.

I still can't believe this...

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:09 PM

Watch it...

I pull my weight and wrap my right leg around you, to hold you in place.

I continue sucking on your digit and arch my head back so your finger can slide in more. When you touch my throat I swallow.

After that I hollow my cheeks and release you with a pop.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:09 PM

My hips jerk (again) before pushing your leg back down. I push my body lower and start kissing down your stomach. I keep going until I reach the edge of your panties. I stroke my fingers over the cloth and then I palm your center.

I already feel the wetness that is there.

I apply pressure.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:10 PM

I'm panting now.

It's torture.

Delicious torture.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:10 PM

I let up and take both my hands to waistband of your panties. I tell you to lift your hips so it will be easier to remove the fabric.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:10 PM

I comply, quickly, and without a second thought.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:10 PM

I move myself further down your body as I pull down your panties. Once I remove them I grab your lower legs and drag you closer to me, going in to pull your legs up on my shoulders.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:11 PM

Oh...

That's right.

You're so generous.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:11 PM

It's all about making you feel good.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:11 PM

Fuck... Kylo...

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:12 PM

I kiss your leg as I go back down.

When I'm back to your center I waste no time putting my face down.

I kiss the outside and then graze you with my tongue.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:13 PM

Oh

My

God

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:13 PM

I freeze.

Ah. Ah. Ah.

What did I say about that Rey?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:13 PM

Oh, Kylo.

OH, KYLO!

Kylo...

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:14 PM

Good. Very good.

I resume my ministrations.

I lick your slit and take a moment to enjoy the taste of you.

You wonderfully wet. It will be easy to get inside...

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:15 PM

It's because of you. It's never been like this for me before.

My panting escalates; warmth is spreading throughout my body.

I compress my legs further over your shoulder until I can't move them anymore.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:16 PM

If it was possible I'd want to stay like this all day.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:16 PM

You never know what's possible... But you'd have to ease into it... Take proper breaks.... I could try it for an hour....

(At least for you I would...)

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:16 PM

Oh, FUCK.

There you go with that generosity again.

You're on fire.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:16 PM

You will be too... soon.

I groan against your pussy and slip my tongue inside.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:17 PM

Yes...

Yes, yes, YES...

YES!

Oh, yes.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:17 PM

When you say that... suddenly I have a favorite word...

I move my tongue up and down, playing with your insides.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:17 PM

KYLO!!!

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:17 PM

I go all-in and work in my fingers.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:18 PM

I'm writhing.

I need to grab onto something.

I take a tight hold onto the comforter below me.

My knuckles will surely turn white.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:19 PM

Let me give you a reason.

I make a trade, curling my fingers inside and moving my lips above your clit.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:19 PM

I buck my hips.

Once...

Twice...

I'm losing myself and I don't care.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:19 PM

I can see and feel how sensitive you are. I am pleased that I can bring it out of you.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:20 PM

Yes. Yes you can. Keep going.

Keep going... Kylo... Keep going.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:20 PM

I suck your clit and simultaneously move my fingers. I move faster with each touch, helping to build you up.

Don't hold back.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:21 PM

My abdomen tightens, my whole body is turning tight; I'm shaking against the pressure. My breathing is uneven and I come.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:21 PM

I let go of your clit, take out my fingers, and stay down to lap up what's left.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: For Your Eyes Only

November 22nd | 1:23 PM

It's my turn to say Thank You...

Thank you...

Chapter Text

There’s an arm on Rey’s shoulder and it nudges her. She is suddenly aware of her surroundings. She’s in a classroom. The professor is gone and the students are filing out. Rey tightens the hold on her phone.

She looks up to see Rose. She looks down at Rey; concern crosses her features and Rose asks, “Are you okay?”

Rey looks back at her phone where the email app is still open. She thinks about what Kylo did in their fantasy and rubs her thighs together.

She just did that, in class, instead of paying attention or taking notes.

“You’ve been distracted for like… the last twenty minutes I’d say.”

Rey gulps. Rose has no idea how much that hits home.

Rey swipes the email app closed, touches a button on the side of her phone to darken the screen, and starts collecting her laptop and other items.

“Have you had lunch yet?” Rose asks. “You look like you need something.”

Some time alone is what she needs after those emails.

Rey stands up from her seat and tells Rose no, she hasn’t eaten.

Rose smiles. “Let’s go get something then.”

The promise of food wins.


Rey picks at the pasta she ordered. She twirls her fork through the noodles, back and forth, but makes no move to actually take a bite. She already devoured the garlic bread that came with it.

“Tell me what’s going on with you,” Rose says from across the table. “I don’t want to be that generational fodder who assumes you’re smiling at your phone because of a guy, but Rey Jax doesn’t zone out during class and smile at her phone for twenty minutes for nothing.”

Rey finally takes that bite.

Rose is right. She’s always right.

“It is a guy,” Rey admits.

Rose giggles. Rey is sure Rose would fall off her seat out of excitement.

“Who is he? Does he go to the school?”

This is where it gets complicated. She can tell Rose the truth. She’s been talking to someone for the Prison Pen Pal program. That’s not the problem, but she wouldn’t be able to stand it if Rose walked the other way if she told her just how far it’s gone.

“No. He’s already been to school.”

Rose seems to light up over this. “Older man?!”

Rey nearly chokes on her next bite.

Oh god.

She doesn’t know how old Kylo is. That particular piece of information was omitted in his profile. Rey never asked and he never offered.

She thinks back to his picture.

If she had to guess, he had to be somewhere in his thirties. Maybe early thirties.

“Yeah… Older man.”

“Older man...  Were you sexting with this older man during class?”

Rey is suddenly very interested in eating her lunch. She goes at it with ferocity.

“Whoa. Slow down its okay. I think that’s great.”

Rey’s eyes go wide. She puts her fork down. “You do?”

“Of course I do.” Rose has a smile on her face that could light up the darkest of rooms. “You work so hard all the time, you deserve a little fun.”

Rey just stares at her. Would she say the same if she knew it was with someone in prison?

Rey doesn’t want to break what’s happening right now. She wants to savor this space of relative peace.

“So much fun I get distracted during class?”

“Rey if you were the first person in the history modern day technology sexting during a class I’d honestly be shocked.”

Rey’s stare doesn’t falter.

“You’re doing nothing wrong, Rey. Look at the world out there, people homeless, starving, dying of incurable diseases. Getting intimate with someone can be a blessing.”

It's all about making you feel good.

“I’m stuffed. I think I’ll get a to-go box and leave.”


My abdomen tightens, my whole body is turning tight; I'm shaking against the pressure. My breathing is uneven and I come.

Rey is laid down on her side, she pants; two fingers are inside her underwear, touching herself. Her breathing escalates. She can’t seem to stop herself from picturing Kylo’s fingers in instead. He’d be strong and agile, working hard to touch her in the all the right places.

Her release comes quicker than expected.

When she comes down, Rose’s encouragement has the opposite effect.

She lied about her older guy.

It’s not a blessing.


From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Thank You

November 23rd | 8:09 AM

That was truly, truly the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. The thanks goes both ways.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Thank you

November 23rd | 8:16 AM

I guess, in a way, I could say the same.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Thank You

November 23rd | 8:17 AM

I wish I could've actually done that to you.

 

Rey doesn’t say “me too" even though she wants it. Of course she wants it; a man who actually knows what he’s doing and could bring her to a real orgasm.

But the high has dissipated.

Now she’s open, raw, and vulnerable.

She doesn’t know what to do.

When Professor Holdo talked about giving back, sending intimate and risqué emails were probably not what she had in mind.

Panic swells in her chest. A familiar warmth spreads through her body.

What would he want now?

What does she want?

Oh god. What have I done?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Thank you

November 23rd | 8:18 AM

We need to talk.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Thank You

November 23rd | 8:18 AM

What do you want to talk about?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Thank you

November 23rd | 8:18 AM

A lot of things... but not here, not like this.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Thank You

November 23rd | 8:19 AM

What can I do for you, Rey?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Thank you

November 23rd | 8:21 AM

Would it be okay if I called you?


It takes a couple of days to get the details sorted out, but once it all set she doesn’t hesitate. Rey dials the number. There’s an answer from an automated voice prompt system. She follows the instructions and consents to accepting charges on her phone bill.

Kylo answers first, “Rey…?”

She sucks in a breath. His voice is dark, strangled, and reaping of desperation. It’s too much.

“I… yes… That’s me, Rey. Hi.”

Then he surprises her. “Your voice… Even better than I imagined.”

No. No. Nonononono. No.

“Kylo I don’t know if I can do this anymore.”

Her already frayed nerves are shaking. Her confidence has completely disappeared.

Silence follows for a moment.

“That’s why you wanted to call?” He asks, sounding unhappy.

A tear trickles down her cheek. She doesn’t wipe it away.

“Not exactly,” she replies. “What we did―"

Don’t. Don’t. I’m begging you, don’t say it was wrong.” The tone of his voice escalates.

“I’m not…” More tears fall. “I don’t know what I’m feeling. I got caught up in the moment. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Rey is sitting on the edge of the bed in her room. She edges herself back to lie down and curl into her side, trying to find a sense of comfort.

“Just… just listen to me. Please. Kylo… I have never done anything like that before. I was sixteen the first time I had sex and it was all a haze. I was in yet another shitty home and wanted an escape. Someone offered to help. I don’t even remember it feeling good…”

She hears a drawn out inhale of breath on the other end.

“Then to do that with you… I honestly got lost in the moment. It felt good, even if it was only through the emails. It felt good to be on top of something. It felt good to be in control. It felt good to know someone cared that I… well, you know.”

It’s quiet again. Rey counts nearly half a minute in her head before Kylo speaks again.

“Do you regret it?” His response is nothing less than the voice of a broken man.

“No,” she says the word before she can rationalize it.

“Then why… Why are you saying you can’t do this anymore?”

“I thought you’d be pleased. You were always the one warning me.”

Rey hears a growl.

The shaking in her body stops. She recoils on the bed and snaps her back straight. This is what she does―what she’s always done; preparing herself to fight.

“You sent me that picture first, Rey.” Kylo disputes.

“After you blamed me for your reaction about the Wonder Woman costume!” That is the one thing she is not confused about. “My friend Rose knows now. She knows that I’m, as she called it, sexting with an older man.”

Technically that is true. Emails on her phone were no different for text messaging.

She continues on, “She assumed older man because I said you had already been to school.”

She based that on what Kylo had told her in their previous correspondence.

“Then it hit me. I don’t know how old you are.” Rey sits back up. “I don’t know how old you are! It wasn’t in your profile. I never thought to ask.”

He doesn’t have to think about it. “Thirty-one.”

Why did she even bother to get back up?

Thirty-one.

That’s ten years―

“Ten years older than me.”

“Is that a problem too?” He asks.

“No.” In fact that is the least of her problems. Only thirty-one? It could be worse. He could’ve ended up being some fifty something creep. Thirty-one she can deal with.

Kylo’s relief is audible.

“You’re right... A lot of this is what I tried to warn you about, from the beginning.” Kylo sighs. “Then we did that. I didn’t know those parts of me were even capable anymore. Not just in my body but my mind too. It felt good. Before I was locked up I had a serious girlfriend in college. She was extremely vocal and active. I never had a reason to complain, but it was all a part of…”

Rey’s eyebrows quirk. “All a part of what?”

Silence, yet again. She hates it.

“Kylo?”

“All apart of someone’s plan. She was a prostitute. Rey…  My law professor paid her to keep me from swaying…”

Rey’s stomach drops. He can’t he serious.

“My law professor took a special interest in me. He followed a different code. He defended the guilty and claimed it was the only way to achieve true power. I let him get inside my head. My dad knew something was up, tried to get me away from him and then I met Bazine.”

“...the prostitute?”

“Yes.”

“How… what…”

“She’d use Snoke’s words. She’d say my parents were trying to deny my potential and hold me back. How could they not want what's best for me and fight me on every turn? Then we’d have sex. She initiated it, every time. Snoke trained her well.”

Snoke? The law professor? “Kylo…”

What can she possibly say to make it better?

“I made the mistake of bringing her to a family dinner to meet my parents. My mother didn’t appreciate Bazine’s lack of manners. She was nasty, complained about the food.” To Rey’s bewilderment Kylo chuckles. The sound she hears is dry. “My mom doesn’t even cook. She orders takeout from five star restaurants.”

Rey still doesn’t know what to say.

“My dad got fed up and kicked her out. If my girlfriend was kicked out then so was I. That’s when Snoke and Bazine finally had me… I stewed in hate for a while after that. They must have got off on it. Snoke and Bazine kept talking about getting rid of my dad. I thought they were implying cutting him out of my life.”

The automated prompt voice sounds through their call, “One minute left.

Too soon.

“A month later my father confronted Snoke. According to Snoke they physically went at each other and my father got stressed into a heart attack. Snoke didn’t call 911.”

Rey chokes back a sob.

“I found them. Snoke was planning to cover it all up, to say my dad died instantly and there was nothing he could do. He was talking to me like it was a “we", as if he was helping me.”

Kylo is crying now.

“All I could do is stare at my father's body. On the inside I was devastated. I was mad at him, frustrated even, but I didn’t want him gone like that. Snoke had a lot of power, a lot of connections. In that moment I knew he could pay the right people and no one would ever know. Everything my father warned me about hit me in that moment.”

Thirty seconds.

“When Snoke’s back was turned, I grabbed him. My hands went around his neck; his hands went for the gun at his hip. There was a struggle. Somehow I got the gun in my hands. All I could think is that I couldn’t let him hurt anyone like that again. I pulled the trigger and fired until he was dead.”

The line disconnected.

Chapter Text

The Coruscant Correctional Facility is on the outside of town, the only place in all of Coruscant that gets away from the craze of city life. The compound is gated with metal fencing and the only way in is through an electric door that slides open on command. There is a guard who waits in a vestibule to confirm visitors.

Once inside, Rey can’t calm down; with every step her surroundings feel like they’re closing in on her. She walks with her head slightly pointed down. The inside of the prison is cleaner than any of the low rent apartments from her pre-foster care living.

For all intents and purposes, Kylo completely cut off communication with Rey after the phone call. She had sent several emails daily and he never responded. She attempted to get him back on the phone from her end but he rejected that too.

There was no other choice. She had to take the plunge.

After signing in at what would be the front desk, Rey is escorted to the visitation room. The walls are dark and grey, no windows, and there is furniture consisting used metal tables and fold out chairs.

There are other visitors already here talking to their respective prisoners.

Upon further entry one of those prisoners, a bald man with a heavyweight body and a tattooed arm looks in Rey’s direction. She gulps.

She wants to turn around and run.

But the guard behind her puts a comforting hand on her shoulder and guides her to a table that’s in the back of the room. She wants to ask him for a change, a placement that’s closer to the exit, but she doesn’t know if that’s allowed. She bites her tongue.

Rey flops onto the fold out chair. She fights to adjust herself and get comfortable. The chair scrapes against the linoleum floor and she’s worried about drawing attention to herself.

The guard informs her that he'll still be around and moves to go stand in the corner.

Rey pulls herself as close as she can to the metal table. She places her hands out and rests them on the table in front of her.

She waits.

She counts fourteen seconds.

The longest fourteen seconds of her life.

The beating of her heart is becoming more apparent.

Rey doesn’t realize her leg is shaking until the table starts rattling.

The backroom door opens and Kylo comes through. He is also walking with his head bowed. When he sits down across from Rey and finally looks up, she sees why.

Rey gasps. “What happened?!”

There is a scar on his face. A scar that wasn’t there in the picture he sent. The side of his face going down to his neck has been utterly marred. The wound is deep, red, angry, and irritated.

Rey’s hand twitches. She wants to reach out and touch it, offer him comfort.

Kylo doesn’t answer her question.

“You’re here. You’re actually here. I couldn’t believe it when I got the request.”

“You didn’t give me a choice when you stopped answering my emails.”

Kylo looks straight at her. It’s like he’s looking through her at the same too—if that is even possible. It’s unsettling.

Like that scar on his face.

The scar .

“Is that…” She doesn’t need to point or use another indicator. Kylo is smart; he’ll know what she’s talking about. “Is that why?”

Kylo’s shoulders slump. “It wasn’t at first.”

“Tell me what happened.” She implores.

She wants to know, even if she is scared of the answer.

“It’s a prison, Rey. What do you think happened?”

There it is. The Kylo she first met. The Kylo who was rude and warned her off. She knows how to handle him this time.

“I wasn’t there. You tell me. Someone hurt you?”

“It wouldn’t be the first time. Be smart. It shouldn’t be hard to figure out.”

“If this is how you’re going to act then I might as well stop wasting my time and leave."

It all happens simultaneously, like a slow motion playback. Rey starts to stand up from the chair, Kylo’s hand shoots out to grasp her arm, and the guard steps away from the wall.

“Please. I’m sorry—don’t go.” Kylo begs and immediately releases her arm. Rey looks to the guard and then back to Kylo.

“I’ll tell you.”

She reluctantly sits back down and the guard moves back to his position.

“After I told you… You know... I didn’t know what to do. I saw that you sent more emails but I deleted them without reading. It got worse after that. I was fuming and needed an outlet. I picked a fight with someone and they brought out a hidden knife. I was stuck in the infirmary after that.”

Normal people, people looking to be moral and say the right words would say that they can’t even begin to imagine what he went through. But Rey can. She has an active imagination. She can see him in someone else’s cell. Or in the cafeteria. Maybe even outside. Kylo, a bundle of angry and nervous energy, wild eyed and looking to hurt someone; confronting someone bigger and stronger than he is. Maybe that person had help and they held Kylo down. The image of knife slashing Kylo’s face makes Rey want to convulse.

She closes her eyes and sharply turns her head away.

“They said plastic surgery is an option.”

Rey opens her eyes but keeps her head turned away. “Do you want plastic surgery?”

“I don’t know.”

Silence settles between them. Rey doesn’t know what to say so she waits for Kylo to speak.

Kylo… Kylo whom she now knows is really named Ben. Ben Solo.

Rey couldn’t help herself. After the phone call she needed more. She looked up the case. To her surprise he had a Wikipedia page. Ben Solo. Born May 4th 1986. Son of State Attorney Leia Organa and her husband, the lesser known Han Solo. Ben Solo attended Coruscant High, graduated Valedictorian, and eventually went onto Coruscant University to pursue law just like his mother.

“I still can’t believe you’re here.” His disbelief is not only telling in his voice, but in the movements of his body too.

She finally looks back to him. “It’s what Wonder Woman would do.”

That does the trick. Kylo smiles. Even with the scar on his face he has a beautiful smile. She returns it with one of her own.

Her panic abates. For now .

Kylo asks Rey to tell her about the Wonder Woman movie. She tells him in a great space of detail that is careful to avoid spoilers, wanting to preserve authenticity if the chance ever arrived for Kylo to see it.

The rest of their time is filled with mindless banter. When Rey leaves she promises to come back.

With school and work she doesn’t go back every day, but Rey makes a considerable effort to visit when she can. It's become almost obsessive. It’s consumption. She goes to school, she thinks about Kylo. She goes to work, she thinks about Kylo. During her free time she’s visiting Kylo. Everyone close to her can see she is distracted. Rey had to agree to another holiday apartment party, per her suggestion, to Finn when he kept pushing her for answers.

How do you tell someone you’ve been a pen pal with a prisoner? A pen pal with benefits. Finn would be concerned, protective, and would probably try to get her out of it. She wouldn’t put it past him to go over head.

She isn’t ready to give Kylo up.

With each return visit the conversation between Rey and Kylo is light and easy. It makes the intrusive thoughts in her head return, because Rey and Kylo have a knack avoiding their problems. Whenever it gets too good things tend to blow up.

Another couple of weeks pass. Christmas day is getting close. For Kylo its December 23rd. The special day in which inmates at the facility get arrangements and provisions for an hour with family and friends with a provided meal. Gifts are also welcome as long as they stay within the prison’s guidelines. Rey bought Kylo a few staff recommended Science Fictions books from a used bookstore.

There is not much to say with Rey’s history with Christmas. If she was lucky to get a gift, it was board games, stuff from Goodwill, and cheap store brand candy. Thoughtless gifts from people who didn’t care.

When she moved in with Maz, Maz tried to teach her that Christmas was bigger than presents. Rey didn’t take to it. If God was real then maybe she wouldn't have grown up the way she did.

But today she is making an effort for Kylo.

The books are deemed to be safe and thrown back in the red and green paper gift bag that she packed them in. Rey is relieved that she didn’t go for more wrapping.

She’s escorted to the visiting room, but she slightly picks up her pace. She’s become familiar enough with the routine, the path, and the dark walls to guide her through.

The visitation room is decorated. Colors of red and green adorn the wall and there is an old CD play plugged into the wall playing Christmas tunes.

Rey stops.

Kylo is already out and placed at a table. He’s not alone.

Leia Organa is with him.

Kylo’s mom is here.

Why didn’t he tell her? A warning would’ve been nice. There is no way she could deal with this.

Kylo spots Rey, smiles, and waves her over. Leia Organa turns. Rey knows the older woman is sizing her up. She wouldn’t blame her if she doesn’t like what she sees.

To Rey’s surprise, Kylo gets up from table and meets her halfway. Before Rey can say or do anything Kylo has her in an embrace. It’s quick---it has to be. The guards are extremely watchful of physical behavior.

It’s only a moment, but Kylo’s arms around Rey are tight with an added squeeze. She is feeling things about him that are more enhanced than what she saw in the picture. His arms are all muscle, the panes of his abdomen are tight against her front, and the touch of his remarkably soft hair sits on her shoulder. He’s taller than her, she knew that, but up close and personal, he towers over her. He really has to bend over to lean in close. She feels him breathe on her neck.

Her thighs want to clench.

She wants him to stay, to put his lips on her neck and whisper depravity into her body.

“That’s my Mom. She comes to this thing every year; it’s permanently marked on her calendar without prior discussion. I forgot. Please don’t go.”

The juncture breaks, Rey pulls herself back from Kylo, and all she is left to do is hold up his gift bag.

“This is for you.”

“You shouldn’t have.”

“You shouldn’t have said gifts were optional then.”

Kylo looks at the bag like it’s an offense. It’s like she’s in tune with him, she can feel the wheels turning in his head. If she gives him a gift he can’t give her anything in return.

She doesn’t need anything nor does she have any expectations. Getting Kylo some books was the least she could do.

“Come on. Its books. You can finally read The Martian .”

Kylo softens, reluctantly takes the bag, and they both move over to the table. Rey sits down next to Kylo across from his mom. Leia Organa is wearing a red blouse, a black skirt, and her brown hair with hints of grey is half pulled back. She sits with her back straight and her hands held in front of her, reflecting what Rey did during her first visit to the prison. Only difference is that Leia Organa is more self-assured.

“You must be, Rey,” Leia addresses her, the tone of her voice commanding and strong. Rey wasn’t a complete stranger to the reputation of Leia Organa. Rey took a Feminism course during her second year of college and learned that before Leia Organa was in law school she was a key name among others in the fight for equality back in the seventies. She was even arrested during protests. She led a group called The Resistance. Leia Organa would eventually take the causes she fought for into her earlier years of work and represent clients who couldn’t afford a lawyer; she did it pro bono. Leia Organa eventually made her way up in the ranks and went beyond working for law firms. Now she is the state attorney of Coruscant. It didn’t matter how involved someone was in news and politics otherwise, if you live in Coruscant, you know who Leia Organa is.

“If I must be,” Rey wants to chuckle. She keeps it to herself. “You must be Kylo’s mom. He didn’t tell me you’d be here.”

Leia scoffs in contempt. “His name is Ben.”

Kylo takes in a deep breath. “Can we not get into this? At least not now of all days?”

“I am never going to be okay with that name. You were named Ben and for a good reason, after my old family friend. Kylo is a dark shadow that suffocates you. You don’t need him.”

Rey has questions about his name. Why did he tell her his name is Kylo Ren when he’s really Ben Solo? Was it to protect himself? Was it because of his inner demons? Was it because he needed a new identity to survive?

Is Kylo Ren different from Ben Solo?

Who does she really know?

Kylo’s hand smacks down the table and Rey jumps.

“Watch it, Ben,” Leia scolds. “You scared the poor girl.”

Kylo eyes go wide, guilt instantly overtakes him and he turns toward Rey. She knows he’s going to apologize. She doesn’t want him to. He’s not her parents. He’s not Plutt. If he wanted to hurt her he would’ve done it a long time ago. It was a struggle, but with therapy she learned to let go of her paranoia that every person was out to get her. She was better for it. Anyone would react to Kylo’s sudden movement, it was natural.

Leia wasn’t bothered, but that was Leia Organa. She is his mother after all.

“I’m okay,” Rey tells the both of them, assuredly.

“I’m—”

“Kylo, don’t worry about it. It takes a lot to scare me.”

Leia breaks her facade. She looks impressed. “I like this girl.”

Rey wonders what Leia Organa already knows about her. Kylo could’ve said anything.

The guard announces that the food will be served in mere minutes. The three of them sit in silence until the dinner trays are placed. Tonight’s course is turkey, mashed potatoes and stuffing that is obviously out of a box, salad, a bread roll, and an extra plate topped with pecan pie.

It hits home for Rey.

Finally.

Something she can handle.

Chapter Text

Rey has lost count of how many times she’s been to the prison to visit Kylo, but today its New Year’s Eve and there is something different in the usual mood between them. It happens first when Rey sits down at the table and Kylo’s first reaction is to reach out his arm and take her hand in his.

She lets him. His grip is strong, his hand is calloused, and Rey can feel it in his gaze, looking at her like she’s something he doesn’t want to let go.

A feeling she can’t describe surges through her, down in her abdomen. It makes her feel good.

It unnerves her.

It’s all over the place.

She doesn’t return the hold, opting to let him do all the work. She has to be resolute in order for the conversation she wants to have.

“We need to talk,” Rey says simply.

Kylo’s grip on her tightens. For the first time she notices how bigger his hands are compared to hers; he completely covers her. Her hand is lost underneath there.

She gives him another moment and then pulls her hand away before the guard can see. She doesn’t miss the way it seems to pain him. In fact his disappointment could surpass everyone else in the room, bringing the setting to an all new low.

He got lucky with the hug on Christmas. At the time he was generally happy to see her or he just wanted to warn her about his mom without Leia hearing. Maybe it was both. The guards probably let it pass because of the occasion.

Kylo’s posture turns rigid and she knows why. She feels the same. The last time they needed to talk, hard truths were revealed. They never did deal with it.

Avoidance was a tricky burden when it came to tactics.

So Rey makes makes him a promise, that for now she’s not going anywhere. At least not until the guard signals their time being up. She silently begs him to trust her. If she didn’t want to be here she would've never made the visit the first time. They can’t keep going on without getting this out of the way.

It’s time to face up to their problems.

Eight days had passed since the awkward, tension filled Christmas dinner with Kylo and his mom. The three of them ate their food in silence, mostly. Leia tried gauging Rey in conversation, asking about her classes and what she wants to do post-graduation. Rey gave her dry, one-word answers and couldn’t try any harder to show interest. All the while Kylo kept looking at her, somewhat smiling and encouraging her.

Gifts were exchanged, after which Rey made up an excuse about an early work shift and wanting to give the mother and son time together. Once she was outside the facility doors she sprinted to her car. She did not want to be cornered alone by Leia Organa. If Leia asked questions Rey wasn’t ready to be honest and there is no way she could lie to the State Attorney of all people.

“Kylo, what are we doing?” Pulling off a band aid was easier than this.

In a quick flicker his familiar mask of indifference is back on. Rey knows he's protecting himself. She can’t blame him for it.

“You tell me.” His voice drops.

“What. Are. We. Doing?” She stresses. “Last week I had an unexpected dinner with you and your mom. Before that…”

Before that Kylo dropped his biggest secret on her.

Before that things heated up in a way she never expected.

Before that they were strangers.

“We keep jumping from one thing to the next… It’s moving fast.”

“What’s fast to you is nothing but time for me.” Because he’s here. Stuck in prison with nowhere else to go. She gets that, she does, but doing what they did in a short few months, with prior limited communication is fast for her.

“I understand, I do… But…”

“But you don’t.”

She’s not weak.

She’s not a wilting flower.

Why does she feel like she could cry?

“The truth is: only someone who has been here can only understand what it’s like. I’m in here every day; I see the same walls, people, and do the same work without deviation. When there is nothing else to do I’m left alone with my thoughts; it’s maddening. I’m often my own worst enemy because of it. Then you started talking to me. You lit up world, Rey. My queen. My Wonder Woman. My Rey of Light.”

Rey stays quiet, taking it all in. From under the table her hands rest at her sides and she pinches the fabric of her pants because she wants to stay in control and doesn’t know what else to do.

“I know I tried to push you away. I believed you could do much better than sorting with someone of my kind of character, but your assertiveness really won me over. Your story about your parents…”

“I told you that because I didn’t want you to think I couldn’t handle the program. I knew what I was getting into.”

“Before you knew all the details.” He deadpans. “Admit it; you thought you would get an easy case.”

“I didn’t know what I’d get. I was assigned a file, which didn’t show for much. I know you purposely left out details out of it; my professor said inmates have a tendency to do that.  After that it was up to me if I wanted to start correspondence or not. I never assumed or said it would be easy. It was about giving back and doing something good.”

“But you still didn’t know.”

“Is that all you’re going to say?”

Silence descends upon them. Rey wonders if he’d try to stop her if she threatens to leave again.

But she doesn’t act on that impulse.

No more mixed signals.

“Maybe you’re right. There’s a lot I have to own up to myself. Especially with the pictures.”

It’s complicated. If she had to do it again to prove her point, she would. She’d do it a dozen times. But now she knows that she would handle it better and not act so rash.  

For the first time she’s sees Kylo actually looks taken back, nervous even. He continues before she can ask him why.

“I’m sorry for acting the way I did with the costume. You’re right—that wasn’t fair. I was shocked and that’s not easy to do to me anymore. I never expected to get something like that from you, let alone anything that risqué.”

“I’m sorry too... for what I sent… Well, you know,” She appeals. She doesn’t want to say it out loud in a room that is filled with other criminals.

“Don’t be,” He confesses. “I’m sorry for how I reacted, but I will not be sorry for that. Not any of that. Rey it was amazing.”

Kylo moves his body forward, he hulks over the table, and the barrier from the table has no consequence to him. His eyes are ablaze.

Oh god.

This can’t be happening now.

Ever since the hug, since feeling him up close, knowing how well she fits against him, she’s been wanting things. And it's been an ugly game of repression, going from school, work, and visiting Kylo, and everything else in-between; trying to be good and not get distracted by those intimate thoughts.

Rey swears she has a latent sex drive. Sex when she was a teenager was a blur, an escape, something to do to dull the pain of living with Plutt. It certainly wasn’t out of hormones and needing to scratch an itch. She thought her future wasn’t going anywhere back then—she thought she had nothing to lose.

Then she was pulled from Plutt’s home, moved in with Maz, and took the steps to better herself. Sex didn’t come back on her radar until the fallout with the selfies, and it was all just words, but enough words to fuel her imagination and for the first time she truly felt pleasure.

It awakened her and she was finding herself wanting more.

Despite her past, Rey was far from innocent and wasn’t ignorant when it came to sex. It was a hot topic in not only her feminist course from second year but sociology with Professor Holdo too. Rey’s experience was just different from most.

She looks at Kylo, once again thinking of tight touch of his muscles; she wants to feel those hard muscles on top of her, and his hand, so strong and rough, imagining him holding onto her, touching her every place he can get on her body. She wants to experiences those same sensations from their scenes in the emails and further into something deeper.

Fuck me.

Kylo give her a knowing smirk. For a moment it’s like her breath has been knocked out of her body. He looks like someone who is having a normal day, enjoying himself, flirting as if their desolate surrounding meant nothing.

Rey swallows in the back of her throat and her hands move up to grip the table.

She feels condemnation for the table, for Kylo’s confinement, for the guards that are watching them, for the whole damn situation.

“It’s too bad we can’t do it again,” his lips quirk, she wants him to do that on her—

“Kylo!” She admonishes and just like Kylo, moves her body up in her chair, moving in closer.

“Not here!”

“Too late.”

“Rey I want you. I want you in every way possible and not just for that either. I know you think its fast, but it feels like I’ve been waiting a lifetime for you. If you were to tell me you don’t feel the same way...”

Then there would be one more thing to add to the list of things that genuine surprise Kylo Ren.

How can they do this? When he’s in prison with a murder conviction behind him.

“It wouldn’t work,” She argues and sits her body back into its previous position.

“We’ve made it this far.”

Through lack of proper responsibility, without knowing what would come after it, when it was easier to justify their actions.

“You killed someone,” He killed someone who was a terrible person, someone who had it coming. “You killed someone within good reason, yes. But you still killed someone.”

“And I’ll never forget it. I can’t say I’d go back and do things differently and truth be told I don’t know where I’d be now if I let Snoke cover up what he did. I’m always going to live with that. It can’t be changed. I’ve been paying for it, but now I’m here with you and that’s what I want to focus on.”

That does it. The pleading in his tone is tangible. It’s not about her coping anymore; it’s about him learning from his mistakes. She can’t really ask for anything more. Rey can’t put pressure on him and not expect it in return. She looks into the face of the murderer, but sees someone she’s been more safe with than the others from the corners of her own dark past.

He’s right.

They have made it this far.

So she slides her hand out on the table, slowly running it across the metal. A tear escapes the corner of her eye. Kylo mimics her and moves his hand across to meet her. Once they meet in the center their fingertips touch and her body jolts. Kylo takes in a deep breath and like earlier goes to cradle her hand in his.

At least that’s what it seems he’s doing.

Because he lifts her arm up, bends his torso over the table, leans down and presses his lips to top of her hand. His lips are warm. His touch is gentle and soothing and it still makes her shudder.

Nothing has ever felt more right.

Chapter Text

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Happy New Year

January 1st, 2018 | 8:07 AM

I miss you already. It might be too soon to say, but you said we need to be honest, and that's how I feel. What happened yesterday was the best thing that’s happened to me since I got locked up. I can still feel your skin on my lips. I keep playing that moment in mind; it’s on a loop and I don’t know how to stop it, not that I want to.

I barely slept all night because of it. I kept wishing I could speed up time, eager to get to be let out of my cell so I could get to the computer room to send you a message.

Again: I miss you. I could say that a dozen different ways, but the intent would all be the same.

I miss you.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Happy New Year

January 1st | 8:14 AM

I… I don’t know why I can’t just say I miss you back too. When I walked out of there yesterday I might’ve had a panic attack or close to itdon’t worry, I’m fine. It all hit me at once. I sat in my car for fifteen minutes until I calmed down. I said I would try, but there is something deeply ingrained in me that is more aware of things than I’d like to be. It’s a defense mechanism from everything I’ve been through in the past.

If it helps I didn’t get much sleep either; the disadvantage of having an apartment close to campus. Everyone was out celebrating. Finn was with his boyfriend. I stayed in with Netflix and takeout. I couldn’t get a break from the noise.

I’ll say it soon. I promise.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Happy New Year

January 1st, 2018 | 8:15 AM

I understand. In fact I understand more and more every day, just how much we have in common. I feel it.

It’s alright. That you can’t say it. As long as I know that you’re still okay with me saying it.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Happy New Year

January 1st | 8:15 AM

I said I’d give it a try, didn’t I?

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Happy New Year

January 1st, 2018 | 8:15 AM

There’s that famous temper.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Happy New Year

January 1st | 8:16 AM

Famous? Maybe only to you.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Subject?

January 4th | 11:55 AM

I don’t have to be back to classes until next week, which means really getting down to the grind at work. My boss is practically over the moon whenever I’m on break, eager for extra hands, but I also get more hours and post-holiday usually means potential overtime, so I guess I shouldn’t complain… Too much.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Subject?

January 4th, | 3:09 PM

I remember those days. You think college will be fun and you’ll get more freedom, but it doesn’t take long to have students crying and wishing they were back home, back in high school.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Subject?

January 4th | 5:46 PM

I’m picking up a hint of judgment there. You weren’t one of those students, were you?

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Subject?

January 5th | 12:24 PM

Of course not. I was the rich kid funded by his parents. The rich kid who was on the path to a promising future. Keyword being was.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: The Customer Is NOT Always Right

January 10th | 8:33 PM

I almost throttled a customer today. Well at least I wanted too. Imagining it was quite satisfying.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: The Customer Is NOT Always Right

January 11th | 9:10 AM

I’m familiar with that particular notion. What happened?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: The Customer Is NOT Always Right

January 11th | 9:12 AM

It was a rich guy, fancy suit, and a car that costs the kind of money I can only dream of. He needed the usual oil and tire change and all the other basic touch ups. I must do those fixtures at least a dozen or more times each shift. Anyone can change oil if they know the right stuff to buy. But he didn’t want a, and I quote, a “girl" working on his vehicle and said I’d be better off fixing a fresh pot of coffee for the customers in the waiting lounge.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: The Customer Is NOT Always Right

January 11th | 9:12 AM

Bastard.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: The Customer Is NOT Always Right

January 11th | 9:12 AM

That’s a good one, I should’ve used that.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: The Customer Is NOT Always Right

January 11th | 9:13 AM

I’m waiting…

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: The Customer Is NOT Always Right

January 11th | 9:14 AM

Stuck-up, sexist, and jackass may have come out and not necessarily in that order. I thought my boss would be mad, but he gave the guy a discount to avoid anything bad getting spread about the shop. I should feel bad if that happens, for the shop, but I don’t. I’d say it again and to any other customer who acts like that.

Maybe I should’ve made that coffee, and threw it in his face.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: The Customer Is NOT Always Right

January 11th | 9:15 AM

There’s always next time.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Weekend

January 13th | 1:56 PM

Finn and his boyfriend want you to go to a club with them, but it’s a gay club?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Weekend

January 13th | 1:59 PM

They said its okay, heterosexuals are allowedtheir words. They insisted on it. The drinks and music are apparently good. Maybe they want a designated driver, but I know that their invitation is genuine; they wouldn’t invite me just for their convenience. But I wouldn’t mind either, if it means they stay safe. You know I don’t drink a lot anyway.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Weekend

January 13th | 2:00 PM

Better get a good fill on Shirley Temple’s then. Ask the bartender for a bigger glass, and extra cherries.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Weekend

January 13th | 2:08 PM

LOL

Now that we’ve made it official… Do I need to send a warning before I send a picture? It’s clean.

What do you think of this dress? It’s the “little black dress”. The only nice dress I own. I’ve had it since first year of college started. If she’s good she’ll make it under my graduation gown too.

1 attachment

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Weekend

January 13th | 2:10 PM

You’re beautiful.

I wish I could go and be right there next you.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Weekend

January 13th | 2:10 PM

Me too.

I think I’ll be missing you tonight.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Random Thought

January 17th | 10:57 PM

Sometimes I wish Starbucks was open twenty-four hours.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Random Thought

January 18th | 11:15 AM

Whoa. Slow down there, Tiger.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Random Thought

January 18th | 11:23 AM

Tiger? Queen. Wonder Woman. And now, Tiger?

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Random Thought

January 18th | 11:25 AM

That’s right. Tiger. It’s an expression. You’re asking for it when you say a popular coffee chain establishment should be open all hours of the day. It’s a setup for disaster. Customers would not only be spending more money, but would double their intake of caffeine and sugar; not a good idea.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Random Thought

January 18th | 11:26 AM

Don’t forget that sugar and caffeine free are options. Plus tea drinkers. Starbucks is also good for pastries and sandwiches too, though I’ve never had the latter.

I’m just saying, when I’m up until two in the morning studying I’d rather take something from Starbucks than the cheap stuff from the store. Starbucks having later hours would be a helpful benefit.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Random Thought

January 18th | 11:27 AM

How about McDonald’s? Last I remember they sell coffee and are open late.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Random Thought

January 18th | 11:27 AM

I can’t believe you of all people are suggesting McDonalds. I imagine you scoffed when you said that, the look of disdain on your face… You’re not the McDonalds type.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Random Thought

January 18th | 11:28 AM

I did, slightly, but what else can I say? I told you’ve I’ve “been there, done that” with the college experience. McDonalds french fries and vanilla shakes were food staples in a lot of my study groups. It probably has to do with the sweet and salty combination.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Random Thought

January 18th | 11:29 AM

Did you really just say VANILLA shake? Everyone knows you get the chocolate shake to dip french fries in.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Pen pal Program

January 18th | 11:30 AM

Vanilla is better.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Wonder Woman (again)

January 26th | 5:59 PM

Rey, its fine. I don’t mind spoilers.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Wonder Woman (again)

January 26th | 6:00 PM

Don’t forget you said that.

Steve Trevor dies in the movie.

Finn cried when it happened.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Wonder Woman (again)

January 26th | 6:02 PM

This is one of the LOL moments, because I’m laughing. I’ve probably given the guard outside the door a reason to worry. Steve Trevor always dies in most adaptations of Wonder Woman. They usually resurrect him or bring back the character in the form a son or descendant.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: Wonder Woman (again)

January 26th | 6:03 PM

I didn’t know that!

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Wonder Woman (again)

January 26th | 6:03 PM

Laugh Out Loud.

Please, tell me more.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: Where are you?

February 4th | 9:23 AM

I know you’re busy, between your classes and work, and I’ve never once begrudged you that. In fact I think it can be argued that I’ve encouraged it. We both know I don’t get a lot of time to talk either. But it’s been nearly a week since I’ve heard anything from you. No emails. No calls. Nothing.

I’m not worried. I don’t want to overreact or overwhelm you.

But we do have a history of ghosting each other. Especially when we’re mad.

Are you mad?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To: 53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 5th | 1:02 PM

I’m sorry. I’m not ignoring you! I’m not mad! My phone broke. An unfortunate accident happened at work and my screen cracked… it cracked beyond the surface. The phone still turns on and off but I can’t see or access anything because the screen blacked out. I don’t log in to my email account on my laptop a lot; I didn’t think about it. It’s always been easier on my phone.

I went to my service company and they can replace the phone and get all my stuff transferred, but even with insurance it’s over two-hundred dollars. I’ve been scrambling. I skipped a couple of classes so I can take extra shifts at work. Then my advisor got on my case for skipping classes since it’s my last semester. He said someone with a less demanding degree could get away with it… Someone with a less demanding degree would have more time to work and would probably have two-hundred to instantly drop on a new phone.

Finn went into the shop and got after the person who broke my phone, demanded that they give me something to pay the insurance cost. I know Finn meant well, I know he wanted to help me, but now it’s tense at work, and the guy keeps making jabs at me about getting my “boyfriend” to help. It feels like what happened with the coffee guy, only I have to keep my mouth shut this time.

I’m tired. I feel like I’m working more than ever to stay ahead. I’ll never get a break. I… I cried myself to sleep last night. All my progress with therapy couldn’t help the anger I was feeling. I have Maz, but she can only do so much and I’ll never ask her to do more… But if I had parents... If I had parents that were different, that were healthy… If I had parents who loved me and raised me… maybe, just maybe, I could go to them and they would do something. They could cover the things I shouldn’t have to worry about. I love Finn, but since his Uncle covers him financially he doesn’t have a job.

I’m never going to have that.

I’m so alone.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 5th | 4:43 PM

I don’t know what I could say to make you feel better, and trust me, I do want to make you feel better, but I do know what it’s like to be upset and needing to let it pass on my own terms. You deserve that same respect. What you’re feeling is one-hundred percent valid.

Rey… It won’t always be like that… I…

You’re not alone.

(Not anymore.)

Chapter Text

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I'm Here

February 6th | 7:38 AM

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to break down like that.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I'm Here

February 6th | 9:04 AM

You don't have to be sorry for that. Never be sorry for that.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 6th | 9:27 AM

But I am. I’m sorry. You're locked up, you get the barest of necessities, let alone luxuries and I’m over here crying about a cell phone. I’m not being fair. I didn’t even own my first cell phone until I moved in with Maz and she practically had to beg me to take it, claiming it would be good to have in case of emergencies. I had always envied other people who had cell phones but I hated them more; they had something nice I couldn’t have. I should know better than to act like this.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 7th | 8:15 AM

You need to stop doing that. My sordid history is the reason I am in here. Our situations shouldn’t cancel each other out. You're out there, living and getting all the opportunities I haven’t and there is nothing better than that I can ask for. You’re doing better by yourself. But that doesn’t mean you have to be okay all the time either. Don't force something out of yourself to make me feel better. Please, don’t.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 7th | 8:20 AM

I’m trying... I don't know what's going on with me anymore. I’m all out of sorts lately. I want to scream.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 7th | 8:21 AM

Then scream, scream as loud as you can as long as you can, but know that it won't always be like this.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 7th | 8:22 AM

Is that a promise?

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 7th | 8:22 AM

I believe it to be.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 7th | 8:26 AM

Kylo… It’s hard… For a while I thought therapy had helped me. I got myself into a better place, I worked, I still work and I’m in college, and I'm on the path to a good career. I like what I do at the shop and can't imagine myself doing anything else; I'm good at fixing things. What more can I ask for? But there are just some things I can’t let go of. I spent a lifetime being lead to believe I’m not good enough and when it is all someone hears it’s easier to believe. It always lingers in the back of my mind, especially with the constant reminders of what could have been if my parents were different. It stings.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 7th | 8:27 AM

I’m here to tell you that you are good enough. I’ll tell you every day if I have to and several times a day if I have to. You. Are. Good. Enough. I think I’ve felt that the second we were first introduced, your strong will and spirit is evidence of that. You kept pushing me and got me to take a chance. Why can’t I do the same for you?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 5th | 8:33 AM

Okay.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 7th | 8:33 AM

That's good.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 7th | 8:34 AM

That's... Good? That's all you have to say?

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 8th | 4:09 PM

I got you to concede, didn't I?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 8th | 4:16 PM

Tsk tsk. You better watch it. Don’t forget who your Queen is.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 8th | 4:17 PM

I don't think I ever can.

Your Majesty.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 8th | 4:18 PM

The next time I visit you I expect you to bow when you say that.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 8th | 4:19 PM

The guards probably wouldn’t like it but that’s all the more reason to do it.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 8th | 4:19 PM

Be careful.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 8th | 4:19 PM

I can't promise that, but for you I will.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 8th | 4:20 PM

Thank you.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 8th | 4:21 PM

Now you're really making this to easy.

Will you be okay?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 8th | 4:27 PM

Eventually I will be. At the rate I’m going it could be another month even two before I can save up the money in full for the new phone. I put it lightly when I said my advisor isn’t happy, he thinks it's that seasonal senior fatigue getting to me. But he is right about one thing, now is really not the time for me to get distracted—not when I’m getting close to graduation. It’s my last semester. I could buy a cheap phone to supplement for now, but what I had before is great for resources for class and work, otherwise I’d be okay with that cheap phone that simply makes phone calls and sends text messages. Finn insists, vehemently, that a cheap phone won’t last long and would be a waste. I might have to consider a second job, something temporary. I'd have to work nights. The shop isn't the type of place to move up for a raise. I have some funds saved up, a little nest egg for after I graduate and if I touch that money now I’ll regret it; I don’t know what will happen when I’m done with college. I don’t know if I’m moving or if Finn will be moving and I could be left with the rent all to myself. Those are things I need to keep in mind and it will be nice to know that I have some kind of backup.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 9th | 11:50 AM

How much do you have saved for the replacement?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 9th | 11:58 AM

A quarter of the cost.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 9th | 11:59 AM

What about taking out a little extra more from your paychecks? Or ask your boss for an advance?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 9th | 12:02 PM

I don’t know. My boss doesn’t do advancements and after that scene with Finn and my coworker I’d be wary to ask even if he did. I try to stick to a budget. My half of the rent comes first plus my half of the shared bills, not to mention my own charges and student loans. Then I have to buy groceries and any other necessities I might need. It all adds up fast. I’m lucky to get more than minimum wage at work but living in Coruscant isn’t cheap. I’ve had the same phone since I started college and I’ve handled it like a baby, not playing games or watching movies, removing unnecessary apps, doing storage cleanups every week. I made sure it would last me awhile. The insurance on my plan was nice but I never thought it would become a reality.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 9th | 12:03 PM

I know what you said about Maz but maybe you should ask her for help. I know you’re worried about asking for more than what you feel she’s obligated to offer, but from what you’ve told me it seems she’d do anything for you. Finn would probably do the same.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 9th | 12:04 PM

No. No. No no no no. I can’t. You’re right I don’t want to ask her for more than necessary. She’s done so much when she shouldn’t have to. She made it her job to take care of me at a time in my life when I was at the point of being considered too old for the system. Finn probably would help; I know he wants to. And despite everything I said about wanting someone to help take care of these problems, I can’t swallow my pride and take it. I wanted my parents to help me not my closest friend. I realize I’m being petulant but it's different with him.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 9th | 12:05 PM

Is that because he’s financially secure?

 

From: rey@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 9th | 12:05 PM

Yeah… But he doesn’t have to work for it.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 9th | 12:05 PM

Has that always bothered you?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 9th | 12:06 PM

I didn’t want it to. Sometimes I feel like I don’t give him enough credit. He’s always been there for me, through all my problems and has never once flinched or wanted to run away. He’s a good friend. But when he throws around that he has money and doesn’t have to budget or second guess what he does with the money… I get…

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 9th | 12:06 PM

Jealous? It's okay if you are.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 9th | 12:07 PM

But...?

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 9th | 12:07 PM

Don't let it consume you. Jealousy can be an ugly and unhealthy emotion and can hurt both parties in the situation.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 5th | 12:08 PM

I know... I know...

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 10th | 9:35 AM

Answer me this then: can you say you wouldn’t act the same if you had that level of financial security?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 10th | 9:37 AM

But I’ll never know will I? The difference between Finn and my parents is that Finn has already is here. I know there are other ways I can depend on him. But not through his money. I don't want his money.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 10th | 9:38 AM

You need his friendship.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 10th | 9:39 AM

Even though I'm not being a very good friend right now, I do need him. He's my best friend.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 10th | 9:40 AM

Alright... I have another option for you. You won’t like it... I’ll probably hate myself later after I’ve sent this but what about me?

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 10th | 9:40 AM

What about you?

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 10th | 9:41 AM

I could help—and before you even start and get worried about what you have versus my means, remember I was the rich kid once. In a way I still am. You know who my Mom is. She overpays my account each month and is always sending some kind of care package, within the limits of what I’m allowed of course. If I asked her, she would do it; she would get you the money.

Please don’t panic. Please. I’ll bow and even get down to my knees and beg if I have to. Don’t panic or get mad. Don’t even say no. I already expect you to say no. I can only imagine you’re scrambling now that I’ve said it. It’s probably not my place. I don’t want you to feel like I’m taking over something you can’t. I don’t want to be that type… that type of boyfriend who oversteps without asking. But I had to make the offer. There’s not much more I can do to help you. I need you to know you have support. Support no matter what that might be.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 10th | 9:44 AM

I don't know what to say. I just... I can't take your money. Not like that. Ever.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 10th | 9:45 AM

I understand. I made the offer. If you want to forget about then I will too. But my support will always be there, whether it's through money or not.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 10th | 9:46 AM

I understand too. I'll figure it out. I always figure it out. It all came down at me at once and I had a very bad day. Being able to talk to you has helped. I'll get back on top but it will take time to get there.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 10th | 9:48 AM

Don't overwork yourself to do that though. If not Finn or I, go to Maz, you might be surprised at what she's willing to do. I wasn't exaggerating when I said my Mom makes sure I have what I need. She's obsessive about making sure I'm comfortable, she's supportive when she shouldn't be and she still tells me she loves me every chance she gets. You said Maz did more for you than anyone else ever did, I highly doubt she would've taken you in just to get you out when you were set for the real world. The worst that could happen is Maz saying she can't do it and with the way you've been acting about not going to her, I think you'd be prepared to deal with that. If it helps make you feel better ask for the money like a loan so you can pay it back. Give Maz a chance to do what your parents couldn't.

 

From: reyjax@cu.edu

To53282@ccf.gov

Subject: I’m Here

February 10th | 9:50 AM

I don't know how.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 10th | 9:51 AM

Just keep trying. Don't close yourself off to opportunities. At least ask before you go out and try to find a second job. That's all you have to do.

And maybe one day you'll be comfortable enough to accept my help.

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 10th | 9:52 AM

Already thinking that far ahead?

 

From: 53282@ccf.gov

To: reyjax@cu.edu

Subject: I’m Here

February 10th | 4:43 PM

Much more than I can say.

Something else to contemplate one day.