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Hold on till May

Chapter Text

Evan was so tired. What had he gotten himself into? He was only trying to help the Murphy’s at first but then all the lying escalated so much and he had managed to fuck everything up.

He was done. He was quitting. He slowly climbed up the tree that he had also climbed up last summer, hands shaking, sweating and knees trembling. He reached the top and looked around one last time. The view was beautiful. He could see Ellison Park one way, the way that he had come, and there was an orchard and old barn in the direction. Evan had never been there and now, he never will.

Evan took one last shaky breath and wondered how Connor felt when he did it. Took his own life. Last year, when Evan broke his arm, he hadn’t intended to let go until he did it, so he didn’t have much time to feel scared or anxious? Had Connor been scared, or had he been calm that it would all finally end. Evan wanted it to end so badly, he had put himself in such a mess. He had messed things up with Jared and his mum, as well as creating this big lie about how he and Connor had been friends. They hadn’t. They hardly knew each other existed.

Evan took one last shaky breath before pushing himself forward and letting go. He was going to succeed this time, he had climbed higher than before. Then he hit the ground and everything went black.

Chapter Text

“You need to wake up. Can you hear me?” The voice was ringing in Evan’s ears. God, everything was so painful. Was this the afterlife or had he failed, again? He slowly opened his eyes and the blinding light instantly hurt his head.

“You’re awake! I think you broke your arm. What the fuck were you doing?” The voice continued. Who was this guy? He sounded a lot like- Evan’s eyes flew open and once he saw who was in front of him he tried to push himself back but winced as pain shot up his left arm. Instead, Evan’s breathing started to increase, and he could feel panic rising.

“Hey, calm down. I’m not going to hurt you, whatever you might have heard about me. I want to help actually.” Connor Murphy told him. Connor Murphy who was supposed to be dead. Evan looked down to stop himself from staring at Connor when he realised he was wearing his pale blue polo shirt. He hadn’t been wearing this earlier. What the hell, was happening? There was a panic attack brewing and Evan didn’t have the sanity to try and stop it from happening.

“W-wha-,“ Evan tried to ask what the hell was going on but couldn’t get the words out between his short breaths. He was sat up now and was starting to curl in on himself.

“Look, I heard a crash and when I came over here to see what was going on it seemed like you had fallen out of a tree. You were unconscious but I think you’ve broken your arm, so we need to go to the hospital.” As Connor mentioned it, Evan realised while everything else was so painful, his left arm was numb. However, his breathing wasn’t slowing down anytime soon. “Count with me. 1 2 3 4. 1 2 3 4.” Evan tried to breathe in with Connor’s counts and eventually calmed down, but he was still crying slightly.

“You calm now?” Evan nodded, what the hell was going on? His breathing was still funny, but at least he wasn’t still having a panic attack. “My cars this way. I’ll take you to the hospital.” Connor got up and started walking in the direction of the Orchard and Evan quickly followed, hoping to find some sense in all this madness.

Luckily, Connor’s car was only a five-minute walk away and he managed to get to the hospital surprisingly quickly. Sensing that Evan was still kind of out of it, Connor talked to the people at the ER reception and lead the blonde boy to the waiting room and told him to have a seat.

“Y-you don’t have to wait with m-me.” Evan murmured, head low. “If you h-h-have other things to do.”

“I don’t,” Connor told him and picked up one of the crappy magazines they always had in waiting rooms. Evan had a quick look at the other teen before quickly looking anywhere but there. Connor was wearing a black jacket, black skinny jeans, some t-shirt with a band on it that Evan had never heard of and his combat boots.

Connor didn’t try to make small talk and the two boys just sat there in silence, which was something the Evan was thankful for. He didn’t he could manage to talk to Connor right now, not when he still hadn’t wrapped his mind around what the hell was happening. Connor Murphy was dead. He was meant to be dead.

After about half an hour of waiting, a very familiar looking nurse with red hair called Evan into a room and had a look at his arm. Connor closely followed behind which surprised Evan. He thought the other boy would just wait for him to come out.  The nurse confirmed that his arm was broken and wrapped it up in a cast and prescribed him some painkillers.

“So, you just have some forms to fill out and then you can go home.” The nurse told him handing him a clipboard and a pen. “Just fill out your name, date and sign at the bottom there.”

“U-um, what’s the date?” Evan asked as he wrote his name.

“August 29th, dear.” She replied, giving him a smile. What. But it was May. August 29th was when he broke his arm before senior year. Had he? No. He couldn’t have. He couldn’t have gone back in time. There needed to be some logical explanation for this all.  That’s why the nurse had seemed familiar. It was the same nurse that helped him last time.

“You look a little pale dear, do you want us to keep you in for a bit. It doesn’t seem like you have a concussion but just in case.” The nurse started flicking through some papers.

“N-no, I’m ok- I’m okay.” Evan quickly signed the form and then got up to leave. He had to get out, he could feel panic rising again. “T-thank you.” Evan sped out the room not paying attention if Connor followed or not. He knew he was probably being rude, but he couldn’t care about that right now, not when nothing was making sense. Evan quickly exited the hospital and collapsed on the first bench he saw.

“Don’t like nurses, huh?” Connor sat down next to him a few minutes later. Evan looked up at him, confused. He was trying to take deep breaths, but he didn’t know how long that would last. “You just sped out of there pretty quickly.”

“N-n-needed fresh air.” Connor just nodded as he scratched his arm through his hoody and waited for Evan to calm down.

Connor then drove Evan home and put his number in his phone with strict instructions for Evan to let Connor know that he was doing alright. Evan managed a small thank you before running up to his room and collapsing on his bed. He was exhausted. Thank god his mom wasn’t home because he couldn’t deal with anything else right now. He just had to get what was going on straight in his head.


 

Jared Kleinmann was playing video games when he received the text message from his family friend.

From Evan:

I’m so confused

From Jared:

You dont have to label your sexuality yet, just go with the flow

Jared chuckled to himself. He was a comedy genius.

From Evan:

Hear me out. I had a really weird dream last night.

From Jared:

I dont need to hear about your weird sex dream Evan

Evan then told Jared all about his dream. How Connor had killed himself and Evan made up this big lie. Evan didn’t tell him about his own suicide attempt and just said he fell out a tree. Jared could tell that Evan was shaken up about how realistic it seemed, so decided not to tease him about it. Not right now anyway.

From Jared:

So, you had some weird, in depth dream. It was just a dream dude. Concussion is known to cause some weird shit. And hey! If it was real and you have magically time travelled, then maybe you have a job to do. A second chance to make everything better.

Jared rolled his eyes at Evan’s hysteria and continued playing his game. However, there was a quiet voice at the back of his mind that said what if? Jared shook his head, he’d been watching too many sci-fi movies.


 

The next day Evan woke up. He felt slightly better than yesterday except the pain in his left arm. He quickly swallowed the painkillers that the nurse had prescribed him with the glass of water that he kept beside his bed along with his anxiety medication. In the other timeline, his dream, Evan had stopped taking his meds but after the events of yesterday, he knew he would need them.

He was trying to accept Jared’s theory as true, it was the only way he could try to stay sane. As sane as Evan could get anyway.


 

Evan spent the rest of the day, laying on the sofa watching House Hunters mindlessly and snacking on a packet of crisps that he had found in the kitchen cupboard. He found himself freaking out every now and then about the situation he was in, but he just focused on it being a dream. It had to be. Nothing else made sense. There was something so real about the dream though that he had to make sure the events didn’t happen in real life. That didn’t just mean the lie, but he couldn’t deal with Connor dying again. Somehow through the lie Evan had conducted in his dream, he had learned to care about Connor. He was still scared of him, but Evan was scared of everyone so that didn’t matter. Connor couldn’t die again. 

Around midday, Evan received a text message from Connor, he thought Connor would just forget about what happened yesterday.

From Connor:

you alright? you seemed pretty shaken yesterday

From Evan:

Yeah. The fall scared me. Sorry for being a bother. You didn’t have to help me out. That must have been annoying.

From Connor:

if i didnt want to help then I wouldnt have helped

From Connor:

you should be more careful

From Evan:

I know. Sorry. Thanks for helping though.

From Connor:

what were you doing up that tree anyway?

From Connor:

it was stupidly tall to climb

Of course, Connor would want to know what he was doing up that tree. Evan couldn’t let anyone know the truth. His mum would be devastated and Connor would probably just laugh at him.

From Evan:

I just wanted to see the view. I really like trees so that was a reason as well. You don’t care about that, why did I tell you that. Sorry, I’ll shut up now.


 

Connor Murphy was sat in the barn, smoking his blunt. He visited the old barn in the orchard quite a lot. It was where he went when things got too much. It was also where he stashed his drugs. He had messaged Evan checking that he was okay, he would blame the drugs for making such a rash decision. He knew Evan wouldn’t want to talk to him, not with the rumours and not-so-rumours that everyone liked spreading about him. That he was a school shooter. He had anger issues. A psychopath. He’d threatened to kill his sister. Some were true, and some were just rumours but Connor was not proud of the last one. 

From Connor:

stop apologising

From Connor:

you like trees? what the fuck is there to like about trees

That was how Connor spent the rest of the day. Getting high and messaging Evan. He never did this, so he didn’t understand why he had suddenly decided to be social with a stranger. He didn’t even know why he had helped Evan. Because I’m not that much of a dick like everyone and he seemed so helpless, Connor reminded himself.

Chapter Text

It was September 4th which meant it was the first day of senior year. Evan had walked and was currently stood by his locker. He was slowly starting to accept the dream theory and was slowly getting used to the de Ja Vu.

“Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much or do you consider that an honour?” Jared Kleinman laughed as he walked towards Evan. Evan could feel his face go pink. What if people heard Jared and believed him? 

“Wait. W-what? I d-didn’t, I wasn’t…doing, t-that.” Evan stammered out.

“Paint me the picture; you’re in your bedroom, you’ve got Zoe Murphy’s Instagram up on your weird, off-brand cell phone.” Jared ignored him and leant back on his heels, laughing at himself.

“That’s n-not what h-h-happened. Obviously.” Evan told him, looking around, making sure no one was listening. Of course they weren’t listening, no one payed attention to him unless he was having a panic attack in class. “I was, um, well I w-was c-climbing a tree and I f-fell.” The look on Jared’s face made Evan want to shrink into himself. He hated thinking about the tree incident for what he was going to do and what it caused and he couldn’t deal with being teased about it right now.

“You fell out of a tree? What are you, like, an acorn?”

“Y-yeah well, h-here’s a funny story. I fell and then, n-never mind.” Evan cut himself off. He didn’t walk to talk about how Connor helped him and took him to the hospital. Jared would just be a dick about it and Evan was confused enough about the whole situation as it was. 

Jared then told Evan all about how his bunk dominated in capture the flag and how he got to second base with some girl from Israel. His summer had been great apparently.

“Do you want to sign my cast?” Evan blurted out, as Jared turned to leave.

“Why are you asking me?” Jared shook his head.

“Well, j-just, I-I thought, b-because we’re friends.”

“We’re family friends. That’s like a whole different thing and you know it.” Jared liked reminding Evan that they were family friends. Because it wasn’t bad enough that Jared was his only friend, he had to be reminded that, that wasn’t the case either.

“Hey, Connor. I’m loving the new hair length.” Evan froze at the name. He knew what was about to happen. How Jared insults Connor and it all ends with Evan being shoved to the floor. He’d almost forgotten that this had been the day that Connor had killed himself. How could he forget? He was so stupid. However, Evan knew he had to stop Connor from killing himself, no matter what.

Connor had messaged every now and then to check up on how Evan’s arm was doing and then they’d talk about some other random stuff for a bit, but Evan didn’t think that made them friends. Connor was just being polite and so now he didn’t know what to expect from the tall boy.

“Very school shooter chic.” Jared continued, laughing and pointing finger guns at Connor. His face fell when Connor stared him down. “I was kidding. It was a joke.”

“Yeah, no, it was funny. I’m laughing. Can’t you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” Connor deadpanned. It was too much for Evan. This was going exactly the way it was going in the dream.

“D-don’t be a d-d-dick, Jared.” Evan half shouted, he could feel his breathing quicken and his hands were getting sweating. 

Jared turned to look at Evan, disbelieving. “What?” Evan couldn’t reply, just kept his head low and started chewing on his lip. He couldn’t see Connors reaction as he couldn’t face looking at him right now. “Whatever, dude,” Jared said and then walked away.

Feeling Connor’s eyes on him, Evan looked up. 

“C-Connor-“ Evan started, doing a small wave. Connor’s eyebrows were raised, and Evan couldn’t read his expression. That was until it turned to anger, and Connor started walking towards him.

“Fuck off Hansen.” He raised his voice and as he walked past, shoved Hansen to the floor. So even if Evan changed what happened, it still ended the same. He felt so hopeless, what if he couldn’t change anything? 


 

“What the heck was that earlier?” Jared asked Evan as the two boys were sat in the computer lab at the end of the school day. “Defending Murphy. He’s a psychopath, you know, that right?”

“N-no he’s not.” Evan protested. Although Connor had pushed Evan over earlier, the blonde boy was still holding on to the fact that Connor had been the one to save him.

“And how would you know that?” Jared shot him a glare.

“He, um, he, when I b-broke my a-arm he helped me and took, took me to the hospital,” Evan mumbled, and Jared’s obnoxious laughs were deafening.

“He what? Murphy? Are you sure you didn’t hit your head in the fall?” Jared wiped at his eyes. 

“I’m sure, yeah. I-I’m sure. Tha-that’s what happened.”

“Right okay, so what now? You have a crush on the dude? May I repeat, he is a psychopath, no matter what he helped you with. He threatened to kill his sister.”

“I don’t have a c-crush on him.” Jared liked teasing Evan about non-existent crushes. 

“Whatever, I’ve gotta go. I’m meeting up with Jeremy and Michael to play video games.” Jared got up and patted Evan on the shoulder before leaving the room. Jeremy and Michael were the other two people Jared hung out with, the only two that Evan had heard of at least. The three of them bonded in computer science over some weird zombie games. As Jared left, Evan turned to his computer and started writing up one of the letters for his therapist. He had an appointment with Dr Sherman at the end of the week (which he was not prepared for, how would he explain the dream thing?) and she would be expecting one of his letters.

In his dream, it was the letter that started it all, but that wasn’t going to happen this time. Not now that he had a second chance. He had started appreciating the fact that he had an opportunity to re-do everything, even though when he thought about it for too long he would go into a panic and anxiety spiral. However, after everything ending the same earlier as it had before he had started to think about it being impossible for things to change. Everything happened for a reason, right?

Dear Evan Hansen,

It turns out, this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because…Why would it be?

Oh, I know. Because it feels like I have a second chance and I thought I could change everything. Prevent what happened in the dream from happening in real life but it doesn’t seem like anything is going to change.

I wish everything was different. I wish that I was a part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean, face it: would anybody even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?

Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,

Me

Evan sent the letter to the printer and shut off his laptop before packing up his bag. As he got up to leave he came face to face with Connor. Evan noticed the dark circles under the other boy's eyes and just how utterly exhausted he looked. Connor was itching at his wrist again and was holding a piece of paper in his left hand.

“So, how’s your arm?”

“F-fine. The painkillers h-help, yeah.” Evan told him, and he knew how scared he sounded was pathetic.

“No one’s signed your cast. That’s pretty fucking sad.” Connor laughed slightly, pointing towards Evan’s bad arm.

“No, I k-know.” Not for a lack of trying, Evan thought to himself. He didn’t need Connor to also remind him that he had no friends. Evan just fiddled with the bottom of his t-shirt, looking down.

“I’ll sign it.” Evan’s head shot up, eyes wide.

“Oh. Um, you d-don’t have to.” Connor didn’t seem to be the type to sing casts. Evan never really pegged him as the type to help random boys who felt out of trees either though, so it seemed he was full of surprises. 

Connor rolled his eyes slightly. “Do you have a sharpie?” Evan handed him a sharpie and Connor grabbed his arm and pulled it up to where he could write. Evan winced at the sudden movement. When Connor had finished signing his name, he handed the pen back to Evan. One side of his cast was now covered in Connor’s name with how big he wrote it.

“Oh. Great. Thanks.”

“Now we can both pretend that we have friends,” Connor told him, taking a step back. Evan started fiddling with his bag straps this time. “Is this yours? I found it in the printer. ‘Dear Evan Hansen’. That’s you?” Evan felt a surge of fear as he realised the paper that Connor was holding was the letter he had just printed.

“Oh that’s j-just a stupid, i-it’s a paper I had to w-write for a, um, for an assignment.” Evan came up with the same shitty excuse that he had in his dream. Why did his mind always go blank in the worse situations? Connor looked down at the paper and seemed to be reading it before he shoved it into Evan’s hands.

“I wanted to apologise.”

“What?” Evan couldn’t help but sound amazed. “Sorry.” He mumbled after he realised how rude he sounded.

“For pushing you over earlier.” Connor was the one to mumble now. “I’m gonna go.” Connor quickly turned around and left the computer lab before Evan even had the opportunity to reply. 


 

When Evan got home, Heidi had left for work, so he was home alone. There was a twenty-dollar bill on the kitchen counter telling him to order himself whatever he wanted for dinner and that she loved him. After being home for an hour he felt like he was going stir-crazy, he couldn’t stop thinking about what Connor was doing. Was Connor going to die tonight? Evan hadn’t done enough to try and stop it so of course, he was going to. Instead of sitting around thinking about the what ifs, Evan decided to go for a walk to try and take his mind off things.

He had been walking mindlessly for 20 minutes when he heard the shouting ahead of him.

“Go on then, I won’t miss you!” Zoe Murphy screamed from her doorway, a few houses down from where Evan was standing. At the end of the driveway by the sidewalk was Connor, cigarette in hand.

“Fuck you, Zoe,” Connor screamed back. “Tell the birth givers that if I go missing it’s your fucking fault!” Zoe slammed the door then, leaving Connor in his place as he took a drag of his cigarette. He pulled on his hair slightly before turning around and facing Evan. He seemed surprised that Evan was there like he hadn’t noticed him walking down the sidewalk. Connor’s hair was in a messy bun

Evan was frozen in the spot and prepared himself for Connor’s screams. 

“What are you doing here Hansen?” Connor asked quietly, but loud enough for Evan to hear. He started walking towards him, away from where Zoe had been.

“I was, I was just going for a walk. I wasn’t expecting, um, I’m sorry.”

“You apologise too much.” Connor was now only a couple of feet from Evan. He seemed even more exhausted than earlier, his eyes were bloodshot, and Evan wondered if that was from crying or if he was just high. He looked and sounded helpless. Evan knew that feeling all too well, he felt sorry for the taller teen.

“D-do you want to come round m-mine?” Evan asked without thinking about it. “Sorry, you d-don’t have to. I j-just thought that you p-probably don’t want to, um, be home right now. And you can, you can stay round mine if you n-need somewhere to stay, that is. My mum works the n-night shift, so she w-wont be h-home.” 

Connor let out a nearly unnoticeable sigh that Evan couldn’t really read. “That’d be great Hansen.”

“You h-helped me with my a-arm after all.”

Chapter Text

Connor and Evan walked back to Evan’s house and so both boys smelt slightly of smoke. Connor had asked Evan if he cared if he smoked or not but reassured him that it was only tobacco and Evan just told him it was fine as long as he was finished by the time they got to his house.

When they got home, Connor took off his boots without having to be asked and revealed the odd socks he was wearing. One was blue and striped and the other was black with yellow stars. Evan couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped his lips.

“What?” Connor asked as he placed his shoes next to the wall.

“Just, I n-never thought you’d be the t-type to w-wear odd s-socks. Sorry.”

“Huh, I’m surprised you’re not,” Connor told him, looking down at Evan’s plain black socks. “Also, no apologising. You apologise too much.”

Evan opened his mouth to reply but quickly shut it when he realised what he was going to say.

“You want to say it again don’t you?” Connor raised his eyebrows at him.

“Very much so, y-yes.” Evan felt his face flush. He led Connor into the living room and took a seat in the armchair, with his legs tucked underneath him. Connor collapsed onto the sofa with a sigh, all lanky limbs. “Is that n-normal for you and your, um, Zoe?” Evan asked before he realised his mistake. He couldn’t get the shouting match out of his head and the question just sort of slipped out. “Shit, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. Sorry.” Evan talked so quickly so it sounded more like shitimsorryishouldnthaveaskedsorry.

“Wow, I didn’t know Evan Hansen had it in him to swear.” Connor had gone slightly stiff like his guard had been put up and Evan couldn’t help but hate himself a little for fucking up already. Now Connor was going to leave, and nothing would have changed.

“Sorry, I-I’m not n-normally.” Evan couldn’t help his rambling now, he was turning into an even bigger anxious mess than normal. “I mean I d-do in my-“

“I was impressed.” Connor interrupted. “You’re ruining it.” Evan closed his mouth quickly. Connor had to hate him now. “That’s pretty normal for us,” Connor told the blonde teen just when Evan thought he was going to ignore the question, he wouldn’t blame him if he did. He was so rude.

“Oh. D-do you want to w-watch something?” Evan asked him, not knowing what to do or say. He was playing with the hem of his shirt quite aggressively, just having to do something with his hands.

“Sure, just put on whatever you’re in the middle of watching. You don’t mind if I do some sketching do you?” Connor started to pull out a sketchbook from the bag he had been holding since he left the house and unceremoniously dropped on the floor when he collapsed on the sofa.

“N-not at all. I was watching a t-tree documentary actually, um, but we, we d-don’t have to watch that.” Now Connor would think Evan was a loser. Who would want to watch a tree documentary? Of course, Connor knew that Evan was fascinated with plants, they had messaged about it the day after Evan broke his arm but god, now Evan sounded sad.

“Just put the stupid documentary on, tree boy,” Connor smirked. Evan looked at Connors' hands as the other boy pulled out a black, ring bound sketchbook and noticed the other teen had his nails painted black. It suits him , Evan thought before turning to the TV to hide the flush in his cheeks.  


 

Evan and Connor watched the TV for a while and Connor ended up ordering pizza and using the money left by Heidi, Evan’s mom, just for that reason. He noticed Evan wouldn’t want to have social interaction with the phone guy or delivery boy, so he handled it himself, ordering a large margarita. Connor continued to sketch, and Evan tried to take a sneak peek here and there. He seemed to be copying the cover of The Little Prince , which intrigued Evan. Evan also noticed that Connor never seemed to stop moving, in one way or another. He would either be tapping his pencil or jiggling his leg.

Once the third documentary of the night ended, this one about space which was Connor’s choice, Evan couldn’t help but let out a yawn, . He should really get to bed soon, it was late but how would he tell Connor that? He would think that Evan was kicking him out when he wasn’t, Connor could stay the night if he wanted to, his mum wouldn’t be home until they had left for school but how could he put the invite out there without making it all awkward. The blonde teen's anxieties ran quickly through his head as he started to panic.

“I don’t want to fucking go home,” Connor whispered to himself, Evan probably wasn’t meant to hear it, before closing his sketchbook and facing Evan. “Do you want me to go? You seem tired.”

“Y-you can s-stay. If you w-want. Um, if you d-don’t want to go home.” Connor’s eyes widened a little. “I mean, I c-can sleep on the sofa, and you can sleep u-upstairs.”

“Really?” Connor asked, disbelief written clearly across his face, Evan nodded. “Fine. But I’m taking the sofa. No discussion, I’m not stealing your bed.” Connor cut him off as Evan started to open his mouth to argue. Evan got up and went to get the spare blankets and pillows out the closet in his mum’s room for the other boy.

“Do you, w-want to b-borrow t-trackies or anything?” Evan asked because that’s what you did right? Offered a guest clothes to sleep in if they didn’t have any.

“Don’t worry about it. Goodnight, Evan. Um, thanks for tonight. Whatever.”

“N-night, Connor.” Evan left the room as quickly as possible without making it like he had run away and once he got to his room collapsed on his bed and tried to catch his breath. What the hell was this evening? Evan never expected to make a friend this year, especially not with Connor. His mind was a mess as he fell asleep but for once, it was a happy (and confused) mess.


When Connor first woke with an ache in his back he wondered if he had fallen asleep on another park bench before he opened his eyes and remembered what had happened last night. Evan. Why was Evan being so nice? It wasn’t like they were friends, someone like Evan wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like him. He was disgusting and Evan, well, Evan wasn’t.

Connor sat up and stretched out his back when he heard noises come from another room. He shoved the blankets off of him and quickly put his hair up in a messy bun using the hairband he always wore on his left wrist before he followed the noises into the kitchen where Evan was standing, rummaging through the pantry. When he heard Connor enter the room he turned around and his cheeks went pink slightly as he took Connor in and then frowned before quickly averting his gaze.

Connor looked down at himself to see what the big deal was when he realised his mistake. All he was wearing was his top from yesterday and his boxers. Not only that but You could clearly see the scars and scratches that were all up his arms, all in different stages of healing. They were all slightly zig-zaggy and messy except for one of each arm that went from wrist to elbow, those two were thick white lines. He grabbed his wrist awkwardly before deciding to move on with it, it was clear what they were. What Connor had done to himself and it wasn’t like the whole school probably hadn’t guessed that Connor hurt himself. He wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it, or at least he was going to try not to.

“What’s up?” Connor asked, leaning on the doorframe with his arms crossed. He wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it but he could try and hide them a little, to make them not so glaringly obvious.

“Oh. Um, I was s-seeing what we h-had for breakfast, but we d-don’t really have anything.” Evan turned back to the pantry and continued rummaging.

“I’ll get something at school it’s fine. I can walk back to mine, get my car and give us a lift if you want?” Connor offered, subconsciously scratching his arm.   God, why did healing scars have to hurt so much?

“O-okay. P-please.”

Connor quickly put his clothes on from yesterday, black hoodie, grey jeans, combat boots, and sorted his hair out, so it wasn’t too messy. He shouted out a quick see you in a bit to Evan before leaving the house and making his. When he got there Larry was also in the driveway getting into his own car. He wore his usual suit and tie that he wore for work and glared at Connor as he approached.

“So where were you last night? Sleeping in some park again?” Larry scolded him, Connor didn’t have time for this.

“Fucking ask Zoe.” He snapped, unlocking his car and climbing into the driver’s side and before Larry could reply he was speeding away. It was crazy how much of a sour mood his dad could put him in with just one quick conversation. Once he got to Evans he pushed on the horn and Evan half-ran, half-walked to the car and got into the passenger seat. He was playing with his cast which seemed to be a nervous habit of his.

“T-thanks for this.” Evan looked out the window as Connor drove away. He grabbed onto the edge of his seat slightly, as Connor started speeding above the speed limit. He didn’t have the energy to be careful today. He wanted to get to school, smoke and then let the day end as soon as possible.

“Whatever, we’re friends right.” Evan seemed to notice the tone change in Connor’s voice and didn’t try and make conversation for the rest of the drive so Connor turned up his music. It was some rock shit that he only listened to when he was pissed off, so he listened to it a lot.

When the two boys got to school Evan looked like he didn’t know what to do. Connor told him that he should probably get going to class if he didn’t want to be late. The smaller teen looked at his watch and then got out the car, muttering a thankyou, seeyoulater and nearly sprinted inside the school. Connor, at a much slower pace, got out and lit his cigarette, weed this time since tobacco wasn’t enough to help it get through the hell that was high school, and made his way to the bleachers.

The bleachers were where all the stoners sat, hiding just beneath them. None of them really talked to each other which was fine with Connor, the less of the school morons he had to deal with, the better. As the day dragged on he couldn’t help but notice how his mood was deflating more and more. He wasn’t even meant to be alive right now, if it wasn’t for Evan he would have gone through with his plan and died but Evan had to step in and play with his mind. Evan. What was up with that boy anyway? He was clearly broken like Connor in one way or another, they weren’t nearly as different as he had initially thought. There was something about him though and Connor couldn’t quite place his finger on it. It didn’t matter, Evan might have prevented Connor from attempting suicide, but he had only delayed the inevitable. Connor Murphy was not going to live to graduation.