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Since Feeling is First

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“Tell me something about you,” Tanya whispers into her ear, turning to face her, “I want to know you…” “What do you want to know?” Stella eyes Tanya’s lips, then leans in to kiss her. “Anything… Everything.” is Tanya’s reply, as she pulls Stella under the blanket. “Are you cold, baby?” “No,” says Tanya, shifts and moves closer towards Stella. Stella wraps her arms around her, still surprised, almost frightened, at her desire to be near this woman, and be near her at all times. “I’m not cold anymore.” Tanya leans back up to Stella and kisses her lips, first gently, then drawing in her bottom lip. Stella opens her mouth, lets Tanya explore while her own hands gently trace lines up and down the other woman’s naked back. Slowly, their kiss begins to turn into something different, into roaming hands and heavy breaths, finally into moans and Stella coming first, then Tanya.


“Oh my God,” Tanya whispers as she calms down, kissing Stella’s throat, then gently suckling a spot behind her ear, a place she knows by now Stella loves to have kissed and touched. “You ok?”, Stella sounds concerned and pulls Tanya back on top of her and wraps her arms tightly around her. “I’m… really good,” Tanya whispers. “I don’t remember ever feeling this way…” “What do you mean?” Stella covers them with the blanket again and hugs Tanya tightly to her. “What… what is it that we are doing, Stella?”


This is the second time Tanya has flown into London over the weekend for no other reason than seeing Stella, yet, they have never spoken about what it is that connects them. The first weekend Tanya was there, they went from the airport to the V&A for a reception the evening Tanya arrived, then took a cab to Stella’s and never made it out of bed for the rest of the weekend. Today they’ve already gone for a walk in Hyde Park in the early afternoon, but now they are back in Stella’s darkened bedroom, planning to see a late screening of a French independent film in Notting Hill this evening – that is, if they have enough energy to get back up and get dressed.


Stella pulls Tanya onto her side, then spoons up behind her. She breathes into her ear as her hands settle on Tanya’s belly. “So, what is there to know?,” she whispers. “I’m 42… I’ve never been married.” She kisses Tanya’s throat, then sucks on her pulse point. “More, please,” Tanya whimpers. “I’ve lived here in London pretty much all my life… My favorite museum to visit is the Tate Modern,” she kisses Tanya’s back, then her shoulder. “My furthest trip was to Argentina … I don’t have any siblings… I love R.E.M.… The last concert I’ve been to was Florence and the Machine at Royal Albert Hall, that was really long ago… Mmmmh you feel so good.” One of her hands slowly moves up to touch the undersides of Tanya’s breasts. “My favorite food is steak, medium rare… Lately…”, Stella continues, her voice growing solemn, “lately I have been wondering what it would be like to… to not be alone.” “Have you been alone long?” Tanya whispers, her breath hitching. “Very long,” Stella returns, caressing her breasts. “And I thought I would be alone forever, but… a few months ago… I went to Belfast on a case.”


“And what happened?” Tanya inquires quietly, her voice trembling. “I… I… I met someone there,” Stella breathes. “Yeah?” “Yeah,” Stella’s tongue brushes her neck, Tanya shivers. “And… and I think…” Stella takes a break, “no, I am… I am reconsidering being alone forever…” “Are you now?” “I can’t help it,” Stella whispers, “You are… you are making me change my mind about it…” “Mmmmh…” Tanya hums and turns in Stella’s arms to look into her eyes. “Stella…” she says very softly, then kisses her stormily, passionately, her hands exploring her shoulders, collarbones, breasts, until Stella breathes heavily. “Look at me,” Stella sighs between kisses, leading Tanya to look into her eyes. “There’s another thing… I want you to know about me… I think… no I know… I know, and it is scary… but… I am falling in love with you…”.