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thrill seeking

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Slitting your throat on the edge of a knife because you want to feel and taste the blood in your throat because you deserved the pain.

Engaging in risky sex because feeling degraded is better than feeling nothing because someone who's A FREAK LIKE YOU can't have regular sex, you're not normal enough.

Wearing that same damn choker every day because you've cut your throat with that stupid pocketknife you say is for Protection when your friends, when you, are powerful enough to probably rip off a man's arms and legs like a knife cuts through butter. Protection my ass.

Forgetting your medication that you're supposed to be taking so you won't go crazy and hallucinating that your pet cat is telling you to kill yourself and you're a failure woman and you don't deserve to exist because taking pills is boring and it's no fun when you don't feel pain anyway.

Overdosing on pills because it's better to feel numb than to feel anything.

Screaming at everyone you love then slitting your wrists in the bathtub when you realize it'll make nobody love you anymore and God, you just want to be loved.

Loving people who you know will hate you and never love you back, and degrade you, and treat you like a freak and a monster, because you just want to be normal and you just want a better life and you just want to be loved by somebody that doesn't turn out to be a sexual predator or something.

Fearing falling in love with anyone because "what if they molest me, what if they grope me, what if they're just like my dad" and wanting to pull away from any relationship that even shows small signs of failure.

Wanting to stay in failing relationships because you don't want them to fail.

Wanting toxic, poisonous, dangerous friends that hurt you and despise you because the feelings of rush you get from that is more satisfying than the feelings of pain you get from the inevitable abandonment.

Wanting toxic, poisonous, dangerous friends that hurt you and despise you because the feelings of abandonment you get is more painful than the rush you get from the exciting beginning.

Wanting a normal life but feeling unable to have one because it will never happen.

Wanting what you will never have.

Love.