Chanbaek | Comfort Me
Chanyeol needed someone.
Baekhyun wanted to help.
Wenesday, February 15th
Chanyeol burried his face deeper into Baekhyun's neck, secretly sniffling his fruity and seemingly not-manly scent. Baekhyun smelled like peach, he smelled clean. Whereas Chanyeol was sweating all the water of his body and probably smelled terrible. But it did not matter. At this moment, in the presupposedly haunted building, he felt perfectly content.
At two in the morning, he felt like he did not have any other things to worry about other than snuzzling into the smaller boy's embrace as much as he could, and ease his poor broken heart.
'I'll be better.. I will feel better. I'm going to be okay' thought the 19 year old Park Chanyeol.
<<<<<<<< Three weeks earlier <<<<<<<<<
"Damn ! Baek ! Where did you put my shaving cream!? You don't even have that much hair!" Yelled Kim Jongin, the tall roommate of Byun Baekhyun of 4 months, from the bathroom. "I'm late! Sehun's waiting and I told you to put things back where you find them!"
"And How'd you know if I have not much hair?" Lazily replied an uninterested Baekhyun from his bed. Figures; he was playing on his newly acquired iPhone 7, and the device was more important than the complaints of his hot younger roommate.
He was currently resting on his back, his head resting on his fluffy rilakkuma pillow while he swung his legs in the air, resting them on the wall from time to time.
"You're girly, you can't have that much facial hair" replied Jongin, his voice muffled by the sounds of tirroirs opening and closing "Ah! Found it!" He then closed the bathroom door shut and and proceeded to lock the door to do his business.
Baekhyun, completely unaffected by the remark, sighed before turning back his attention to his phone. He was currently addicted to the arcade game "10!10" and sincerely wondered if he would ever break this addiction of his that made his sleep to undecent hours just to try to beat his own record - which mind you was 30680. Eh.
He was a second year in SooMan University, majoring in Music and he also studied ethical sciences. Baekhyun's opinion on life before he met Chanyeol would have been "boring", or even "pointless", but somehow since the big-eared, adorably tall boy entered his life last year, things have gotten way more exciting.
Why's that ?
Because Byun Baekhyun has a fucking crush on Park Chanyeol.
They are friends. At least, Baekhyun would consider them so. They are not close, for sure, but they are not only classmates and work colleagues (Park Chanyeol, also majoring in music and an ace of the department began to work in the same fastfood as Baekhyun since the beginning of the school year.)
Baekhyun is not in love. It's just a mere crush, but he felt like he needed a change. The boy was easily flustered and pretending to be okay when Chanyeol randomly decided to smile at him for no reason, when infact the smaller boy felt like screaming 'Oh god oh god oh god oh god' and that was getting tiring. Pretending not to be affected by the innocent brushes of their knees if they sat together, or doing his best not to blush if the taller asked Baekhyun the time was not easy all the time, and Baekhyun needed more than anything to do something. Either confess and move on (because duh, in Baekhyun's mind they was no such thing as hope) or try to get closer to Chanyeol to find THE flaw that would make him stop liking him. Another fact about Baekhyun was that he naively thought that he could erase his feelings for the curly haired boy easily if only he found a big flaw in him.
Honeslty, to Byun Baekhyun's mind, his university life was going just fine. Other than his hopeless crush on Park Chanyeol, he wasn't having any trouble with his classes, he had his group of friends and his nice job at the fastfood. But he needed to act upon his growing feelings for the boy - no, the man, with deep voice that whispered-asked 'what time is it?' if they were sitted next to each others in class. His voice did things to Baekhyun he would never admit to anybody, and his touches (unintentional, but still) sent shivers throughout his whole body. He was in too deep, and it worried him.
That is how, in the middle of january, Baekhyun decided to get closer to Chanyeol so he would stop liking him.
Logical huh? But Baekhyun's never been the brighter person, so let's say that it was not his fault this time.
Park Chanyeol on the other hand was a unique case. The boy was on a emotional roller coaster all the time. He was not always like this... during his childhood, Chanyeol was that smiling kid who grew up faster than the others but still had this joyful face on 25/7. But for some reasons, the joyful face is now a facade half of the time.
He was a very sensitive being ('I grew up crying while watching disney movies' would he say to defend himself against the mockeries of that jerk of his younger friend, Sehun) and for example proclaimed in his last year of high school that he was going to be a vegetarian after watching a documentary about how animals become the meat that arrives into our plate. Needless to say, he cried when he watched movies like Hatchi, the fault in our stars, et cetera. He did not stay a vegetarian though, but he planned on being one one day.
Chanyeol was still from time to time happy and grateful about the smallest things in life about halft of the time. He was either down or up, moody as hell, and since starting university it seems that his mood changes became worse as his even his best friends Do Kyungsoo and Oh Sehun were tired of him and ditched him from time to time.
But Chanyeol was not feeling defeated. He knew they liked him as much as before, and he understood that they drifted apart a bit these last few months... because Chanyeol knew he needed support. Nope, it was not because he hadn't gotten laid lately or anything else. Park Chanyeol, the good looking, baby faced flower boy of 2nd year in SooMan U needed a real friend. And to see a psychologist to talk about his recent problems concerning his discoveries about himself.
He had been confused for a long time, but after seeking answers on forums online, he came to the conclusion that he was attired by men. And the thing is, not only being ay was something he thought inconceivable, but he also, deep down, felt that he had some kind of internalized homophobia pointing fingers at him and mocking him.
That of course, was unknown of the majority of the people. Only his close friends and his big sister knew that he came out and he planned to keep it that way, for now. At least he reckoned that he needed time to accept his.. new self.
When he learned a few weeks ago that Byun Baekhyun, one of his classmates and acquaintances (Chanyeol would not call him a friend yet) was gay, he knew he had to jump on the occasion to be his friend. Asking questions to another gay man would help him find himself and maybe, just maybe, he would be able to get answers on the worrisome questions he asked himself at night. Maybe he would have someone to reassure him, maybe he would regain the control of his emotions that he seemed to be unable to contain recently.
An encounter after the Singing class in mid January, and both of the boys took the opportunity to get to know each other more by going to the cafeteria together. They both ahad motives of course, but their first meal together was spent in an innocent ambiance, as if they were trying to get close just for the sake of it.
What started as a pleasant get-to-know-you-better meal became a daily habit, and soon, Baekhyun and Chanyeol ate lunch together every day of the week. The week-end, the sometimes ate at macdonalds after their shifts since both of the boys only did week end service, and sometimes Chanyeol grabbed subway's for the two and treated Baekhyun different sub30 sandwiches.
Along with their newly formed habit of eating together and Chanyeol paying for Baekhyun's food most of the time, They got to know each other more, their likes and dislikes being memorized by both, how were their families, what were their dreams, their plans for the future..
Soon enough, small talks filled the silences, there was less awkwardness and the boys visibly didn't pay as much attention to class as they used to.
And days after days, their friendship developed. At the beginning of February, they finally came around the question of homosexuality. They were sitting in macdonalds at 4 in the afternoon (after their shifts) and Chanyeol was treating Baekhyun a happy meal since the latter wasn't that hungry. Bizarrely the two tyoung men weren't sick of the junk food (yet). Baekhyun had almost finished his burger when Chanyeol shifted uncomfortably in his chair before he spoke up.
"So hum" began Chanyeol, feeling sweat forming in his palms and under his armpits from the anxiety of talking about THE thing, "I heard you're uh, you like men ?" He demanded in a quiet voice.
Baekhyun took his eyes from his food to him and cleared his throat "yeah. Is that a problem ?" He felt anxiety going up because 1) his crush on Chanyeol was bigger than ever 2) 'Oh no! what if Chanyeol is homophobic' ? 3) 'fuck, what if he asks if I like him ?'
But much to his relief, the giant replied quickly, holding up two hands defensively in front if him "No no no! I was just curious, that's all"
"Curious about what ?"
To that, Chanyeol did not know what to respond. After all, his recent anxiety and all of his insecurity and identity problems came from the fact that he realized he was attracted by D's and manly bodies rather than women. He pondered on the question for a few seconds before answering "About your experience and your life as a gay... if that's not a problem, can you tell me what your life is like when you are, well, um,..different? »
And at this moment, Baekhyun thought that he finally found a fail in Park Chanyeol. If there is one thing Byun Baekhyun detested, it was that type of comportement. Curious people who considered gays as "differents" , as "them". It made him feel rejected and it was the cold shower he needed :
'chanyeol is a homophobic who put people in categories' he thought 'he must think that I'm abnormal'. Baekhyun internally smirked. Finally his hopeless crush was going to be crushed from his heart.
At this moment, Baekhyun thought that all he wanted was to talk about this with Chanyeol. He could feel all his admiration and affection towards the bigger male slowly crumbling down and disappearing as he told him more about his coming out, his difficulties with his homosexuality and whatnot. He let himself exaggerating some events only to add some drama effect (Chanyeol wouldn't need to know the while truth anyway). He carefully studied Chanyeol's reactions, the way he face reflected sympathy and .. pity (?) when he told his story. And to help Chanyeol, that was now all Baehyun wanted. He finally knew how to get rid of this -stupid- crush of him, and Chanyeol on the other hand was slowly trying to mentalky sort out the information he was getting, while attentively listening to Baekhyun's story.
What Byun Baekhyun did not expect though, was the following words that came out of Chanyeol's -who was blushing heavily at this point- mouth.
"Baekhyun, I- um. Recently I discovered t-that.., that.. that I'm gay. And I think really need your help"
If you asked to his family or his friends what Baekhyun is like, they would probably tell you that he's a man who questions everything. He was not necessarily interested in science or the mysteried of life, but he surely wondered about the Human Kind. The 19 years old boy had a curious nature and he was not the type who would make assumptions about people easily. He thought that all individuals are unique therefore he never assumed he understood other's minds.
But in this case he did, and payback was that he was wrong.
Baekhyun surely did not expect Chanyeol to say that.
He felt blood rushing to his head as he digested the words he just heard. Fuck
He had misjudged Chanyeol...
Chanyeol was not homophobic. Of course, the lanky giant was not...
He was just confused, apparently.
He is gay. And he apparently needed his help.
...'He likes men'
'I'm a man' he thought. His lips slightly curved upwards as he gulped and cleaned his greasy fingers in his napkin.
During his day dreaming, he had studied the man's fashion. He watched his traits, but he failed to see the anxious look on Chanyeol's feature, and instead a smile appeared to his lips. He muttered quietly, so quietly that Chanyeol did not hear him, "I'll be here for you" and sent him a reassuring smile.
And then it was like the assumptions he just made about the other man didnt exist as he faced his crush with a bigger smile that showed his teeth "I'm here for you Chanyeol" he finally said clearly.
Baekhyun's story of coming out was not the most joyful story out there. The boy who during his childhood always had a petite body, also acted less manly than his boy friends when he was younger. Maybe this is why he found himself surrounded by girls, barbies and makeup when he was 8. He had been invited to the little Sullie's 8th birthday party for a reason, and the fact that the birthday girl considered Baekhyun (the only boy invited) his best girl friend was a reason.
Of course, being feminized during his childhood hurt Baekhyun's pride deeply, but deep down his recent growing love for makeup and the fact that he always found boys attractive was a sign, and he was not surprised when he realised that he was gay.
His family was though. Ever since he had started high school, Baekhyun drifted away from his family. Gone was the love, laughters and sincere smiles his parents showered with him. Even when Baekhyun was younger and a bit more feminine, Baekhyun's parents did not have a problem with him. But when they had the talk a few years after the beginning of High school, talk where Said boy confessed to being gay, their attitude towards their son became awkward.
Forced interactions, fake smiles, trembling voices... to say that his parents were disappointed would be an understatement.
Maybe it was because their son would never have a wife or a girlfriend, or maybe it was because they would never feel the joy of having blood related grandchildren... nonetheless, his parents had at least accepted that it was how their son was.
At least, they would not try to "change Baekhyun's ways" or "curve his sexuality".
Even if they had difficulties digesting it.
Turning in his bed, Baekhyun sighed. He was trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in. He checked the time on his phone. 1:58 AM. Finding impossible to sleep, he put on his Bluetooth connected earphones and listened to some music in hope to become sleepier. While he enjoyed the sound, he thought about the events of today.
After the fast food incident, Baekhyun became not only Chanyeol's closest friend, but also his dearest as he took care of Chanyeol when needed, buying him icecream at hours of the night, visiting him with snacks and Ghiblis movies when he was feeling down, singing to him to lighten his mood and sleeping over when the giant was depressed. Which, to be honest, was quite often. They became close in a matter of days and to be quite honest, none of them knew how a friendship that grew this fast would be leading them.
Sure it was true that they were both gays and found each other attractive. Chanyeol found Baekhyun's eye smile irresistible while Baekhyun melted at the sound of Chanyeol's voice and the way the taller boy was touchy with him. However, if Baekhyun grew more worried about his feelings for Chanyeol, the other boy on the other hand did not suspect any thing more than pure, innocent friendship. Baekhyun or 'Baek' as he nicknamed him, was always here for him when he was feeling insecure and so Chanyeol decided that Baek was better than his fluffy humansized rilakkuma plushies after all, and his hugs were better too.
Baekhyun soon started naming Chanyeol "Yeol" and was more and more attached to the tall boy. He wondered if he would end up by having to confess to him. He seemed troubled with coming out so Baekhyun figured his own emotional problems were not as important as Yeol's.
It was not his fault, Park Chanyeol could not control himself. Baekhyun now knew that he was a sensible person and was easily - too easily- affected by what life threw at him. That's why when the taller asked him to do a test of courage at midnight in an old abandoned building 10 minutes from his home, the smile the taller arbored could not make him resist and he accepted the challenge. They would be going to the building on Wednesday night with their friends and do teams of 2. Team Chanbaek, consisting of the two boys who proclaimed not to be afraid of ghosts, would surely be winning, right ?
One day, Jongin questioned Baekhyun about Chanyeol. His friend/roommate perceived the new friendship of the two as a blessing because Baekhyun was at Chanyeol's very often.
Which meant more time for him, who was an introvert who loved his alone time in the dorm.
Jongin, wether he was aware of unaware of Baekhyun's crush on the taller, did not mention it but by the way he talked, Baekhyun sensed that his good looking roommate suspected something.
Not that anything more than a flourishing friendship was happening.
As Baekhyun packed a bag to go to Chanyeol's place, Jongin approached him. "So when are you coming back this time ? In 3 days ? Might as well leave some clothes of yours at his place if you're planning to move with him half of the week. Not that I mind though. I love you ditching me. I have time for myself and all..." he trailed ",but you might wanna not lead him on or anything, hm?"
To that the smaller did not say anything. He shrugged, putting the unwanted thoughts at the back of his mind.
Another day, Baekhyun observed from a distance (hiding being bushes, really) as the girl waited for Chanyeol near the hall, by a fountain, and when he arrived she gave him the cookies she made for him along with a letter. Awww, true thing is, that was sweet. Too bad for her Chanyeol was gay. He had planned to refuse the present but after seeing her hopeful eyes, he did not have the heart to do so. She acted like it's no big deal, but Chanyeol seemed really touched by her gift, which made Baekhyun feel weird inside. He felt jealousy.
And he accepted it : it’s normal, when you have a crush on someone. But why was he feeling mad though ? It is not like Chanyeol would accept her confession. He was just being polite and accepting the cookies. No need to worry and be possesive now, huh ?
And that is how Byun Baekhyun fell deeper for Park Chanyeol. His eyes, his voice, his smile, the afternoon only with him, in his room where they spent an awful lot of time together just talking and getting to know each other... he loved his laugh, his personality, the tone he used to tease others and his somewhat silly jokes... Baekhyun even liked his flaws and his fears. And what worried him was that he began to become used to feeling flustered around the other boy.
That Wednesday came too soon, and the two friends were currently walking towards the abandoned building, located in the suburbs. The windows were mostly broken, and you could see that no living soul inhabited this place in a long while. It was still in winter, and the February night was not kind two the boys as they strolled into the building hall, lighted with no lights at all. Thankfully, they guided themselves and managed not to trip, since they helped themselves with their phones lights.
Truth was, they really weren’t afraid of ghosts. Or at least, they thought. They had never encountered ones before..
Their two friends, Chen and Xiumin, were supposed to meet them at exactly midnight this evening, but they weren’t here.
In fact, they did not come at all.
Pissed off and tired of waiting for them in the chilly area for twenty minutes, Chanyeol and Baelhyun decided to enter further the building, and visit. Who knew ? They could have found a suitcase full of money.. or some other treasure. The cold temperature was rebuting, they were freezing. They still kept going, agreeing on visiting for a bit and heading back home. As if it would somehow make their trip worthwhile.
They walked around. No sign of ghost… there was no thing.
The huge building was bigger than they thought, although, not morbid enough to really scare them even though they got the chills.
They walked silently for a while, before they engaged in a dialog. These last few days they had gotten closer than ever before. Baekhyun still controlling himself and his crush, but being more and more motivated to do so. He wished things were simpler. He wanted Chanyeol to know about his feelings, to acknowledge him, but at the same time his biggest fear was for his friend to reject him, and thus for himself to feel betrayal.
Baekhyun checks the time. It is late, way past ten PM.. almost eleven ! How did the time pass so quickly ? During their talk, Baekhyun can’t help but notice that his friend seems kind of down. This is completely different from what he expected of their little outing.
So, he asks him. « What’s wrong with you? »
Chanyeol remains silent. As if he’s formulating an answer. Baekhyun is patient, and he gives him the time to respond. He gets that Chanyeol must be sensitive today, yet he doesn’t really knows why he is sad anymore. It could be the cause of so many reasons.
Chanyeol tells Baekhyun that he’s sensitive. Feeling ashamed of himself whilst telling his friend, so he cries.
Why is Chanyeol crying ? He himself doesn’t really know.Maybe it is because he is overly sensitive, because he feels humiliated as he can’t have control over his own emotions. He feels empty, heartbroken, and sad, so sad. On top of that, Park Chanyeol does not get why it feels like ever since the beginning of his life, he has been looking for something. Something he lost ; something so important and so special. Maybe, just maybe Chanyeol cries because of his pride ; maybe it is since he thought he would just be in a slump for a few days… and it lasted a bit more. He isn’t going to call his condition a depression, because he does not like to put label on his emotional states.
Baekhyun is getting teary eyed, and he hugs Chanyeol. Both boys stay silent for a while. It’s okay to feel sad for no particular reason from time to time.
Baekhyun suddenly, and rather out of nowhere, utters words that come from the deep of his heart. « Live your life knowing without a doubt that I’m always going to be there for you. You’re one of my dearest friends, Chanyeol. I hope you realize that. I’m not leaving your side. I will.. always support you. So please, lean on me. »
At that moment, Chanyeol thinks he falls a little bit in love. The tall student is shaking a bit as he embraces Baekhyun. It’s messy, and weird, but it feels so good. He feels grateful for his friend, whom won’t stay just a friend for so long. He stays in Baekhyun’s embrace. He knows he will be okay.
People fall in and out of love. Pretty fast and easily for some, while for some others, the process is painful and scary. But for Baekhyun and Chanyeol, they stayed in love.
With Baekhyun’s comforting him, the smaller’s warmth easing all his problems, he felt - scratch that- he KNEW he was going to be okay.
And Baekhyun would be with him, all along the journey.
« i’m here, always here » . Baekhyun was here. Baekhyun, he too mattered now.
(( a/n : appearances will fool you ))