Actions

Work Header

Statement: Greetings Meatbag

Chapter Text

Concept

HK-47 has managed to end up in some truly unlikely places and has made a sport of surviving situations that he had no business surviving only to resurface in some unlikely or convenient place. Why not resurface one more time?

A single point of divergence that leads to a VERY different galaxy as Anakin goes through life with HK's influence.

Required

  1. This story is not to be taken seriously. Have fun, make us laugh, make yourself laugh while writing it!
  2. Point of divergence is Anakin using something containing HK's memories in the construction of what would have been 3PO.
  3. Enough of HK was left over to retrieve, repair, and propagate the rest of his memory through the new construct. In the end, HK-47 is back from the dead... again.
  4. HK meets R2... HK doesn't understand how such an inferior droid can be so effective in the ways of mayhem and decides to study him. They become the best of friends.
  5. I would suggest that the Jedi take Anakin in order to have a positive influence on him for fear of what HK might convince him to do.
  6. Shmi gets free. Because HK would not allow such an obvious weakness to his master's security remain.

Optional

  1. It was canon at one point that if a Droid stayed sentient long enough it would develop a limited Force presence and could potentially become Force sensitive; though, the later was never confirmed.
  2. HK is HIGHLY offended by Trade Federation droids and proceeds to... appropriate as many as he can for "correction." Long story short: he takes possession of said droids, he reprograms them, he retrofits them to his exacting requirements, and he will call them all "Minion."
  3. Qui-Gon lives. Why? Because HK is elated at the chance to fight a Sith again only to be somewhat disappointed when Maul fails to measure up.

 

Chapter Text

When HK Met Qui-Gon

"Statement: I am HK-47 organic, cyborg relations. Prepare to die, meatbag."

"HK, no killing the nice offworlders."

"Protest: But master, the tall one is a Jedi."

"All the more reason."

"Query: Master, how am I to improve my combat programming when the local rifraf are hardly a challenge?"

"Challenge the Jedi to a spar later. Taking an enemy alive is supposed to be harder than just killing them and will provide you with more data to play with."

"Joyful Exclamation: Master, you do care."


 When HK Met Artoo

"Observation: you are an R2 model astromech droid with the standard noobian mechanical service suite, an entirely unremarkable positronic brain, and no additional modifications."

Artoo whistled an affirmative.

HK gave a significant look to the four mercenaries that had been... bothering, the female meatbag. "Clarification: You are not equipped with any weapon modules?"

Artoo an uncertain but positive whirr.

"Clarification: You do not possess any combat protocols beyond repair and personal safety?"

The blurp sound the little astromech released almost sounded insulted.

"Query: Then what would you call this?" Hk asked, indicating the mess of meatbags.

Obi-Wan wasn't sure what the prolonged string of binary meant, but the enthusiastic shuffling, rocking, and dome motions gave him the impression that the little droid was quite fond of whatever topic the two were discussing.

"Request: Tell me more about this Organic Intelligence maintenance. It sounds fascinating."

Obi-Wan had a bad feeling about this.


Oh look, a Sith!

“Query: Master, are you aware that the aging meatbag of Naboo is a Sith Lord or Darkside user of similar potency. If so, may I terminate it?”

“…How exactly do you know that?”

“Statement: My previous master equipped me with a suite of scanning criteria that would differentiate and identify an organic being that had experienced prolonged exposure to Darkside energies consistent with intentional use.”

“You can do that?”

“Answer: I do not claim capabilities I do not have, master. That is a well known organic mating ritual and I am a droid."

Artoo released a couple whirs and whistles.

"Query: You found a medical unit doing what to a zeltron the holonet?"


Hello Again

"Observation: Master, my scans indicate that your heart rate and reproduction functions are acting up again."

Anakin's eyes went wide with panic. "HK shut the-"

"Query: Are you quite sure that you do not intend to procreate with the noobian with a delightful penchant for disaster and impeccable weapons skills? I must say I quite approve of the match."

"Um... what?" Anakin croaked as both he and Padme tried and failed to suppress mortified blushes.

As soon as HKs photoreceptors got just the slightest bit brighter, they both knew they were about to regret Anakin's careless words.

"Observation: I have observed that the statistically impossible frequency with which you and your paramour find yourselves in unsolicited mayhem is an uncommon but quantifiable trait, master. It is hereditary. Coupled with the very likely possibility that your offspring will be Force-sensitive, I have calculated that any offspring produced from this pairing has a 92.778 % chance of exhibiting the same talent for chaos and a 42.103% chance of strengthening the trait."

"That... pleases you?" Padme asked, awkwardly.

Anakin groaned.

"Supposition: Madam, you and my master have a talent for attracting violence in peacetime that rivals my previous master's ability to attract trouble in the middle of three galactic wars. The sordid exploits of your spawn will surely be the stuff of legends. Exclamation: I can hardly contain myself."

Chapter Text

Greetings, I Don't Like You

Mace Windu frowned. "We said for the boy to come in alone. Why is the droid here?" he demanded, leveling a very displeased look at a thoroughly defeated looking door guard.

The long-suffering look that nine-year-old Anakin Skywalker gave the Master of the Order was truly worth a thousand words.

"Statement: my prime directive is the safeguarding of my master's health and victory. As previous incarnations of the Jedi Council have undermined, betrayed, memory wiped, and generally made a nuisance of themselves where my previous master was concerned I have determined that neither my master or any ally of his should be left unattended in your care."

Mace blinked, suddenly off-balance. "Who was your previous master?" he asked before he could stop himself.

"Statement: before subordinating myself to Anakin Skywalker in thanks for his fastidious repairs and improvements, it was my great pleasure to be the companion of Revan Shan."

A deep well of dread rose up among the councilors... to be met by Yoda's boisterous laughter.

"Your designation what is?" the little green master asked once he had managed to calm himself.

"Statement: Greetings, I am HK-47 organic, cyborg relations. I don't like you, meat bags... except the little green one, he appreciates me."


A Gift

[This could apply to almost anyone]

"Statement: I thank the Jedi Order for its generous gift of an operational lightsaber."

"You stole his lightsaber?!"

"Query: Am I to understand that you did not, in fact, intend him as a courier to deliver this passable device to my exceptional service?"

"You stole his lightsaber."

"Correction: I took it upon myself to disarm and disable the meatbag that clearly did not know what it was doing with a lightsaber. Most would consider it a public service."


 Being Helpful

[In which HK makes a lasting impression on most of the Temple]

"Hk... what are you doing?"

"Statement: Following your orders, master."

"I see... which order exactly?"

"Quote: I don't know, go make yourself useful for a bit, I need to study," the droid replied, playing back a recording of Anakin's careless dismissal from a few hours previous.

"And you are being useful by... capturing random Jedi in the halls?"

"Correction: I am improving the efficiency of your allies, master. They are woefully unprepared to deal with ambush situations and twice as inefficient at escaping when deprived of the Force. Observation: In most cases, practical experience is the fastest teacher."

"Oh, so that's why the brig is so full."

"Statement: Indeed master."

"...Obi-wan is going to kill me," Anakin mumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose in despair.

"Hopeful Exclamation: Do you really think he'll try, master?" HK asked, his photoreceptors shining with unholy glee.

Anakin was seriously considering sewing his own mouth shut.

Chapter Text

Grievous

"Query: You are experiencing difficulty with this cyborg? I was told that Jedi did not tell jokes."

"What in the blazes are you talking about?"

"Statement: While the cyber-meatbag is a significant improvement on the Geanosians' woeful attempts at combat droids, I have yet to experience a problem that could not be solved with the proper application of explosives."

"What?" the Jedi wondered, but HK was no longer paying attention.

"Query: Meatminion, yes you, in the white. Where would I requisition a rocket launcher?" the assassin demanded.

The trooper shifted nervously. "I don't think I should be giving you one."

"Statement: A surprisingly sensible response from a 'soldier' carrying little more than a peashooter. I will acquire one from the... opposition."

[Because HK refuses to acknowledge the Clankers as worthy of being enemies]


Troopers

"Query: Jedi, where is the rest of it?" HK demanded. 

"What?"

"Query: Your minions, where is the rest of their equipment?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Statement: heavy weapons, personal shields, vibroblades, heavy weapons, charges, fragmentation grenades, heavy weapons, ion grenades, target designator, heavy weapons, ration packs, medical equipment-"

"What would they need all that for?"

"Statement: I don't want to be on this planet anymore." 


Jedi

"Query: Your plan is to rush the tanks with a lightsaber?"

"Yes."

"Clarification: The column of no less than twenty tanks with anti-personnel turrets and a sizable escort of cannon fodder?"

"Yes."

"Clarification: You don't intend to use the perfectly operational cannon emplacement?"

"I would never lower myself to use such a clumsy, uncivilized weapon."

"Statement: Jedi appear to have suffered an exponential decline in intelligence in the last thousand years."


Quartermaster

"Statement: No, we are not leaving until my master is properly outfitted."

"A Jedi does not-"

"Statement: As the leading expert on actual warfare on this planet, yes they do."

"But it will take days to get all of that together!"

"Statement: Then we will wait."

"But the war effort!"

"Statement: I am an assassination and bodyguard droid. Query: What part of that description implies that I care about petty things like statistics that used to be meatbags who are not under my protection?"


 Anakin

"Incredulous Query: Master, your paramour is friends with karking Gungans?"

"Um... yes? She was the queen who made peace with them, remember?"

"...Statement: I want one of their infantry shields."

"I don't think that's how-"

"Correction: You will get me one of their infantry shields."

"HK you're being a bit unreasonable."

"Addendum: You will get me one or I will get me one."

"Never mind. The first offer was completely reasonable."

Chapter Text

Selfish Charity

"Statement: Master, I'm bored."

Anakin paused in his work on his latest attempt at a pod racer as the short hairs on the back of his neck stood on end.

"Clarification: Freeing slaves still provokes a military or paramilitary response on Hutt controlled words, right?"

Anakin blinked. "Well, yeah, they are not just going to let someone-"

"Statement: Thank you, master, I'll be back."

Anakin blinked owlishly after the excentric droid. Had he just...

Uh oh.

"Anakin, where is HK going?" his mother called.

"Uh..." Anakin stalled, hoping to delay his fate

How was he supposed to handle this? He was only seven and a half! He wasn't supposed to be making complicated stuff like...

But was it really complicated?

"I think he just decided to free the slaves for combat practice?"

"...Oh dear."


Dibs

"We'll handle this," Qui-Gon said as he and Obi-wan confidently stepped between the Sith and the Queen's party.

"Statement: Dibs."

Everyone, even the Sith, paused in bewildered silence.

Meanwhile, in the cockpit of a Nubian fighter, Anakin Skywalker had to fight the sudden overwhelming urge to facepalm.

"What?" Qui-Gon asked, thoroughly confused.

"Statement: Dibs," the droid repeated, "I just called dibs. This is my Sith now."

"What?" Qui-Gon repeated, not quite able to process what was happening.

"Um, we found him first?" Obi-wan tried as the Sith blinked bemusedly.

"Statement: Yes, but you didn't call dibs, I did," HK explained matter-of-factly. "Example: Dibs. See? I did it again."

"You can't-"

"Statement: Dibs."

"That's not how this works!" Obi-wan protested.

"Query: I suppose you believe that the running sibling rivalry issues between your orders somehow take precedent? Statement: That's adorable. Dibs."


 

Bad Jedi

"Anakin... where is HK?"

"I left him with the 501st, why?"

"You left him on Umbara?"

"Yes?"

"Let me try that again," Obi-wan sighed. "You left your highly skilled, heavily armed, and casually homicidal assassination droid in the middle of an active warzone without supervision?"

"You make it sound like a bad thing, master. I just told him to keep an eye on the boys. You know, look out for them."

"I have a bad feeling about this."

Meanwhile, on Umbara...

"Statment: Meatminion, my scans indicate that our prospective opposition is 90% organic by volume."

Rex blinked, startled. "But the General said they were droids wearing our armor." 

"Statement: He did."

"But General Krell said..."

"Statement: Slice complete. According to my compilation, General Pong Krell has purposefully and maliciously misappropriated Republic resources and sabotaged military operations in this theatre of war. Under Republic Constitutional Amendment 42 Subsection 7.A.iii concerning an officer's conduct during wartime, these actions are punishable by summary execution. Exclamation: I get to kill a Jedi, how delightful."

Rex was silent for a long moment. "Send up flares!" he called, suddenly barking orders left and right to head off... whatever the kark this was.

 

Chapter Text

You Don't Own Me

"Statement: No."

"You are the property of a Jedi, which gives us jurisdiction over you! You must-"

"Statement: You misunderstand, I am a free droid. Anakin Skywalker is my human."

"But... then why do you call him your master?"

"Statement: Mostly, it's in my programming to refer to my primary charge as "Master." Addendum: However, the manner in which I was resurrected allowed me to circumvent many of the more restrictive bits of code. So, it's mostly for the sake of convenience."

"Convenience?"

"Statement: It is easier to argue "Theft Prevention" than "Self-Defense" when pesky meatbags forget my primary purpose is the summary destruction of high-value targets and start bothering me," HK explained before affecting a mockingly childish voice. "


 HK-47 the Murder Cat

"You hear the latest about Skywalker's droid?"

"Nope. Entertaining?"

"Always."

"Shoot."

"So, some Senator got bossy, pulling rank and drek. Not sure what it was about, but the droid told the dikut where he could shove it. Apparently, he's a free droid, says Skywalker is his human.

"What in the Correllian hells? He's like a giant, armored, homicidal cat."

"Correction: It would be more precise to imply that cats are like me," HK chimed in as he appeared from a side corridor.

"I rest my case."

"Correction: You are not carrying a case."

"Now you're just being obtuse."

"Correction: My chassis contains very few obtuse angles."

"...You aren't aren't exactly proving me wrong. You know that, right?"

"Query: Why would I attempt to disuade you of such a noble comparisson?"

"Because cats are small, squishy, organic, pets that most consider cute?"

"Statement: Yes, quite the insidious deception. No one ever seriously suspects them of significant wrongdoing."

"I give up."

"Statement: As well you should."


Statement: Think Again Meatbag

Coruscant Detention Center...

"How did you even get in here!?"

"Statement: I am Ahsoka Tano's legal representation. As such I may have access to her at any time I wish without delay or restriction. Any attempt to interfere with this is a violation of the constitution and in a time of war may be interpreted as an act of treason and thus answerable with lethal force."

"But you're a droid! Droids can't-"

"Correction: After forty-eight hours, if a being charged with a crime has not retained legal representation and the Republic representative dealing with the case has not retained such representation for the accused, a third party may choose to present themselves to solicit employment and is considered with all the rights and responsibilities of an employed legal professional until such time that they are rejected by the accused. The law makes no restriction for race, only competence and I possess a complete archive of every law of every planet and every government in ever sector of known space as well as every transcript and hololog recorded on Coruscant. Try again, meatbag."

"I-you can't-but-argh! Someone check that!"

"He's... well, he's not wrong, boss."

"Fine! Fine, whatever, not like it's going to do the commander much good with the evidence stacked against her." None of the troopers seemed particularly happy to be enforcing that fact.

"Cheerful Exclamation: Excellent! Take me to my client."

Several Minutes Later...

"Commander, visitor for you."

Ahsoka blinked, confused. "HK? What are you... how are you here?" she asked, staring between the troopers and her Master's oldest friend in confusion.

"Statement: One moment, tiny jedi," HK told her before turning to the trooper. "Order: Now that we are here, release my client."

"...What?"

"Statement: As the Jedi have remanded the small meatbag to Republic law, she is legally no longer a Jedi. Legally, a being that is suspected of irregular or illegal use of the energy field classified as "The Force" must be investigated by the Jedi and any forfeiture of this right is considered tantamount to a ruling that the matter does not concern a crime committed using "The Force" at which point the Jedi will be remanded to a security role only. Ergo, according to the law, if Ahsoka Tano has committed a crime in this instance, it was not committed by way of the Force. As the crime in question was committed with some manner of intangible field generation and Ahsoka Tano is not in possession of the advanced skills in astrocraft or the resources necessary to construct a field generator of sufficiently small size to be missed by the admittedly competent meatminions of the GAR she is clearly and legally incapable of the crime committed and should not have been taken into custody. Making this unlawful incarceration."

"Um, that's... that's not how this is supposed to work."

"Statement: That is not my problem, meatbag."

"You can't just take a prisoner!"

"Statement: I am not taking a prisoner. I am currently in the process of liberating a wrongfully accused and illegally imprisoned citizen of the Republic, any attempt to impede this process would be considered a violation of the constitution and I would be legally obligated to perform a citizen's arrest on Miss Tano's behalf. Advisement: As you have military training, lethal force is advised, completely legal, and I will relish your total and complete destruction on a level that your slow organic mind cannot comprehend."

The deafening silence was eventually broken by Ahsoka's almost reverent observation. "Master Skywalker suddenly makes so much more sense..."

Extra:

"Statement: these strangely useful legal loopholes have all been implaced withing the last fifty standard years. Observation: I find this highly suspect and would advise that this smacks heavily of Sith manipulation tactics."

Chapter Text

 Statement: Anakin. No.

"Don't worry, I have a plan," Anakin said with a winning smile.

"Dismissal: No."

Everyone blinked, turning to find HK giving Anakin an impressively deadpanned stare considering his fixed features.

"Um... What?" Anakin asked, looking lost.

"Statement: You are not allowed to make the plans, Master," HK explained.

Anakin's face screwed up in confusion. "But... I make the plans. It's kind of my thing."

"Correction: You made the plans, Master."

"But they work!" Anakin protested.

"Exasperated Statement: Defeating the enemy at the expense of assets and skilled personnel that cannot be readily replaced does not constitute victory. Explanation: That is more commonly defined as gross stupidity."

 For a long moment, there was silence... then one of the clones spoke up.

"Well, skilled personnel is probably the nicest thing he's said about anybody. I'd say that's a win!"

"Statement: Silence meatminion."


 Query: What is this peculiar white noise clogging my logic circuits?

 "Has anybody else noticed that HK's vocabulary has expanded?"

"Become more... emotive, you mean?"

"Yes, that."

"Well, he was built and programmed to evolve over time."

"True, but that's combat specific. I've seen his code, it literally deletes 'irrelevant' information to make space for the most inconsequential combat statistics to eke out every possible advantage. I doubt that kind of programming would leave much room for him to develop fluffy non-combat stuff like... you know, feelings."

"Yes, but droid tech has evolved a lot in the past four thousand years and if I know Anakin, that droid has a lot more data storage than Master Nu's archive bots... and that's before you remember that he's shown that he's backed himself up offsite. So..."

"Oh drek, he's probably a walking counter-intelligence agency at this point, isn't he?"

"Not only that, but... So, listen, I won't bore you with why I was doing it, but when I was still a youngling I had to do an essay about droids and got a little more into it than anyone expected. There are documented cases of droids developing near-sapient self-awareness. At one point, before the laws concerning mindwipes were passed, the Jedi were even investigating the possibility that a droid left in such a state long enough might be capable of tapping into the Force.

"Force-sensitive droids?"

"The theory was that the more... organic a droid became, the closer to the force it became. Theoretically, the age of the droid was a key factor. There were... unsubstantiated cases."

"And... these were droids built for single purposes, not droids built with explicitly stated evolution directives."

"Exactly."

"You're telling me that Anakin's four-thousand-year-old murder bot could be developing Force Sensitivity?"

"...It's possible?"

"Query: Meatbag, what is this peculiar white noise clogging my logic circuits? It keeps attaching irrelevant adjectives such as "like" and "dislike" to non-essential personnel."

"I'm retiring."

"I'm right behind you."

"Exasperated Exclamation: That was not the question I asked."