The streets of Glasgow never had a chance against rain. It kept falling on them as the sky’s utmost attempt to reach the Scottish soil. The drops, ranging from tiny pearls to big and fat watery bubbles, never neglected their duty in keeping the streets dark and wet, glistening under the car lights.
I kept walking with the drizzle moistening my face, the click-clack of my boots’ heels echoing against the grey pavement, announcing each step that brought me closer to Jamie.
Checking my phone, the Google Maps app informed me that there were 50m left. In 50m I would have the chance to change my life. Or, at least try.
My heart was banging against my ribcage, my shallow breath releasing small white clouds of fear in the cold atmosphere. I felt panicked and excited, like a child going to school for the first time.
I was here.
My ears were filled with a buzzing sound and my hands were cold and stiff as I moved to ring the bell next to the name “James Fraser”.
James. He goes by James now, I thought absentmindedly, and a void filled my heart. I didn’t know this person, this James, all I knew was Jamie. My Jamie.
I saw my hand trembling as I ran it on the black printed sterile letters, stumbling on the little square bell at the end of the plastic cover. I wished I could see his hand-writing. I needed to see something of him that reminded me of the man I knew.
This doesn’t signify. I’m here and this is why I came. To see him. There is nothing to lose.
Yes, nothing - apart from all my dreams and hopes.
I rang the bell and stood still in front of the speaker, waiting. My throat was so dry I thought I wouldn’t be able to utter a word after hearing his deep voice again.
I took a deep breath that never left my lungs and I felt my teeth sinking on the flesh inside my mouth.
That was it.
Only that no one answered. I swallowed with some difficulty and rang again.
A third, more prolonged ringing ended in deafening silence as well.
I felt myself trembling from the tension and the cold.
He wasn’t home and for some reason I felt my heart crumble inside.
Why did this hurt so much?
Watching my determination slowly disappear I grasped on the thought of Jamie as if it would be my salvation.
No, I wasn’t going to leave.
Setting my jaw, I sat myself down on the cold stone stairs in front of the building. I would wait for him no matter what.
After adjusting my beanie better, I covered myself as best as I could with my coat, my hands two fists surrounded by the cold silk cloth inside my pockets.
Fucking Scotland, always freezing cold, I thought.
And then I remembered.
How we always walked around the city in these cold misty nights, Jamie’s arm steady on my shoulders, mine on his waist inside his jacket stealing his warmth. Shared earphones with loud music bringing our heads close together.
Countless times when we hid in the shadows of some dark alley, Jamie bringing my body flush to his and kissing me with all he had. And I, kissing him back with all I was.
My lips tingled in memory and I closed my eyes to prolong the feeling of having him.
Tears were now streaming down my cheeks darkening the little spots on my coat where they faded into nothingness.
I would look like a mess when he’d be back home but I didn’t mind. Truth was, I was a mess.
And we had promised each other honesty, a long time ago.