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And some days, it don't come easy

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When Sascha brought his new girlfriend with him on tour no one seemed to care and Weiki acted like he wouldn’t care- Didn‘t even looked up from where he sat in an corner changing some gituarre strings on his gituarre. She was younger than Sascha and since Sascha was already 15 years younger than him, she could probably be his daughter. He didn‘t really cared about her, ignored her most of the time since he thought of her as a annoying, little girlfriend Sascha would break up with sooner or later, perhaps he would prefer sooner. He wasn‘t even sure if her name was Amba or Abby, probably neither. So the few times he had to talk to her, he just called her ,,A“,which semmed completely fine to her, she probably saw it as nickname and thought of it as a act of acceptance or even friendship. The trues was, he hated her, she might have been a nice woman in some ways, but in his eyes she was a annoying little Girlfriend, That giggled about everything and stuck to Sascha at every possible chance, sometimes she even was on the stage when they had soundcheck, sitting right next to her boyfriend and giggled about nothings funny. Plus he found her quite cheap, walking around the Tourbus in nothing but a shirt and lace panties. Well, maybe this wasn‘t what he found cheap about her, he himself had girlfriends that walked around the bus like this, probably because it was comfortable on lazy days, but the fact that she did it for the attention, trying to get the looks from everybody being mad when nobody did look. Like her boyfriend wasn‘t only Meters away from her. He didn‘t got why she, a girl in her early 30s
wanted sexual attention from men’s in their early to mid 50s that could be her fathers. And he didn‘t got why Sascha would date a person like her, cheap and annoying. Flirting with everybody that seems interesting to her.

One afternoon they met in the back of the bus where the bunks where. She sat on the floor, back against the wall with her phone next to her and some kind of magazine in her lap. ,, How long have you been in this Band?“ Weiki looked down at her for a moment, before he returned his attention to whatever he was looking for in his bed. ,, I am on of the founding members.“ He said . ,, Wow, Sounds like a Long Time? Every thought you would make it as a bassist?“ ,, No, I never thought I would make it as a bassists, since I am not a bassist.“ ,, Oh, I am sorry. What are you playing?“ ,, Gitarre“ He said, Rolling his eyes when she wasn’t looking. ,, I like your song, you know?“ ,, Sure. Since we only have one song. I Sure do know which one you like.“ ,, Sorry, again. You probably think I am not the smartest one. I mean the one about the keys, that’s so damn long.“ ,, Keeper of the seven keys“ ,, Yeah this one, that’s pretty cool.“ ,, Thanks“ he simply said, still not looking at her, takling as less as possible with an annoyed undertone. ,, Who wrote it?“ ,, I“ ,, Do you wrote other songs beside this one?“ He turned around, looked her straight in the eyes. ,, Do you really care? Yeah I have written more songs. I wrote whole albums. But you don‘t really care! And to be true I don‘t know why you try to become friends with me or even try to flirt with me or any other man on this damn bus! You have a boyfriend and beside this, we are all old enough to be your dad. I don‘t know if you just don‘t notice or don‘t care, but I don‘t like you, I am not attracted to you I find you quite annoying. So please, in the name of god, stop trying!“ A stood up, the magazine in one hand. She was smaller then Sascha and also smaller then Weiki, so she had to look up to him. ,, Wow, I mean Sascha said that you could be hard do handle, and for a lot of people it’s hard to get along with you, that you are extremely moody and stuff, but I didn‘t know you were this grumpy. I was just trying to be nice, what have I done to you?“ ,, You have no idea.“ He said, grinding his teeth staring at her, eyes full of hate. Just as she wanted to say something, Sascha entered the room. Raising an eyebrow as he saw the two staring at eachother. ,, Everything alright?“ He asked. ,, No. Your friend is fucking rude! I was just trying to be nice, asked a couple of questions about this damn band.“ ,, He’s not.... that’s just the way he is.“ ,, Why are you on his side?! He was rude to me, said he hated me!“ ,,I...“ Sascha looked at Weiki, who just stood there, not really impressed. ,, That’s all you have to say?! Fuck you! Really, fuck off!“ she ran out of the room, banging the door, without locking at her boyfriend again.

,, Is it true?“ ,, What?“ ,, Did you say that you hated her?“ ,, Yes“ ,, Why would you say that?“ ,, Because it’s true.“ Sascha noded, licking his lips. ,, Do you want her to leave?“ ,, What?“ ,, Do you want me to send her home.“ ,, I don‘t think I am the one that should choose if your girlfriend stays or not.“ ,, You hate her and.... I... I shouldn’t have brought her with me.... not when I knew that you would be around. So if you want me to send her home, I will tell her to leave.“ ,, Did you brought her because of me?“ ,, What?“ ,, Brought her to rub it in my face that you are dating again aswell? Wanted to make me jealous?“ ,, I... no! I, it’s just I looked like a good idea back in Berlin... should have thought about you, I am sorry. I will tell her she needs to go.“ ,,Don‘t“Weiki said. ,, What?“ ,, Don‘t. Let her stay if that’s what you want. She’s your girlfriend not mine, so you should decide if she stays or not....don‘t just do what you think I would like.“ ,, I can‘t spend nearly a year around people that I both l...like but that hate each other.“ ,, If you want her to stay I will find a way to get along with her. We are both grown up.“ ,, Okay... I‘m... thank you.“
,, Yeah. No problem“

Later that day when most of them had eaten dinner and it was already getting dark A sat in the doorframe, looking at the busses and trucks in front of her. It had taken longer then planed to get to their next location because of traffic and at some point the driver needed a break, so they had to stop for the night and no Hotel nor Motwl near them had empty rooms for all of them, which meant they had to spend a night on the bus. ,, Anybody got a lighter? Want to light a sparkler?“ She asked. Kai looked at Weiki, who had just lighted a cigarette. ,, No“ He answered, the lighter still in his hand. ,, Come on, don‘t be a bitch. She just wants to light a sparkler.“ ,, Yeah, she is the want that’s want to light this thing, not me. So she should bring her own lighters.“ ,, It’s just a lighter!“ ,, It’s alright.“ A said, getting up from the stairs. ,, No it’s not. It’s not about the lighter but the fact that he’s just a grumpy bitch.“ ,, I am the bitch? I am not the one running around the bus in my underwear, flirting with everybody on the bus, with men that could be my father!“ Weiki said angry, getting up and blowing the smoke of his cigarettes in the air. ,, What have I Done To you?! You jealous, or what?!“ A asked, Weiki rolled his eyes and went out the bus without saying a word. Sascha Followed a few seconds later, founding him behind the bus, sitting on the ground.

They sat next to each other in silence for a long time.

,,Its like your were hiding from me. Every time I came to the studio you were gone.“ ,, I wasn‘t even in the county most of the time. You know that?“ ,, Yes. But still. You tried to avoid me. Never showed up when I was somewhere.“ ,, I am not often in Germany, so unusually I have stuff that needs to be done.“ ,, Lair. Years back you showed up ways more often. But now you try everything possible not to see me.“ ,, That’s not true.“ ,, So you are not trying to avoid me?“ ,, No“ ,, And the reason that you recorded all your gituarre parts at night?“ ,, Non of your business.“ ,, Either you are seeing someone back in Germany or you try to avoid me!“ ,, I am not dating anybody, not in Spain nor in Germany, neither do I try to avoid you.“ ,, You broke up with ...her? I don‘t believe you, you avoid me!“,, That’s your problem.“ There was, again, a uncomfortable silence between them for a while, until Sascha cleared his throat and said:,, I‘ve missed you.“ ,, Missed me so much that you stared dating this little school girl?“ ,, She’s 32 and that’s something completely differently.“ ,, you are lying one of us right in the face and I hope it’s me.“ ,, Why would you like it if I lye to you?“ ,, Cause either you are lying to me when you say you missed me or you are lying to her when you say you love her and I think it would be better for you, If I were the one you laid to you.“ ,, I would never lie to you.“ ,, See, That’s why I tried to avoid you.“ ,, So I was right?“ ,, Yes. I thought it would help... you know we didn’t worked out the first time, so why would now?“ ,, I don‘t know... I wish we would have... but... hope she was wort it...“ Sascha leaned his head against Weiki‘a shoulder, looking at the smoke that came out of his mouth as he smoked another cigarette. ,, You know you should stop that. You smoke way to much.“ ,, You see that’s one of the reasons we didn’t worked out! You wanted that I stopped smoking!“ ,,Yeah, sorry that I was worried about your health and wanted a long life for you.“ ,, You wanted me to quit smoking!“ ,, I am sorry, it’s like asking a bird to stop flying.“ Both of them laughed until a sweet voice broke the noices.
,, Sascha?“ ,, Looks like your Little girlfriend is looking for you.“ ,,Yeah.I need to go. But you were wrong the reason we didn’t worked out wasn’t because I wanted that you quit smoking, the reason were you.“ Sascha said and before the other men could response, he leaned forward and kissed him.
,, I need to go“ he said again as he turned away, acting like nothing happened.

 

,, May I sit down?“ Kai showed up out of nowhere. ,, Sure“ he sat down on the cold floor, taking a cigarette out of the package next to Weiki without asking. ,, Need Fire?“ Weiki didn‘t even bet a look as he hold the lighter to Kais Cigarette.
,, You think you got everybody fooled.“ Kai said after he blow out some smoke in the air. ,, What do you mean?“ ,, You try so hard to deny it. Think nobody would notice.“ ,, I‘ve no Idea What you are taking about.“ ,, Oh come on. It’s extremely visible. You stare at his girlfriend like you want to kill her, even more grumpy to her than to anybody else. You didn‘t even gave her your lighter.“ ,, She wanted to light a sparkler! Like how old is she? I always give people my lighters and they never give them Back, I am not losing my last one because of a damn sparkler!“ ,, Don‘t act like this is about your lighter or a sparkler. It’s about him, it’s about Sascha.“ ,, That I don‘t want to give my lighter to someone to light a sparkler, is because of Sascha?“ ,, You are in love with him and you hate her, want to give her a hard time so she leaves earlier.“ ,, I am not in love with anybody in this band.“ ,, I can almost see your hearteyes every time he enters the room.“ ,, That’s not true.“ ,, It is. And you think you got everybody fooled. You really thought nobody would notice?“ ,, I‘m over 50. I am to old for all this falling in love, teenager shit.“ ,, Thats why you act like a jealous teenage girl?“ ,, I don‘t and I am not in love with him!“ ,, Wanna tell me the Story?“ ,, Can‘t tell a story about something’s that dosen‘t exist.“ ,, If you don‘t want to tell me,I will get Markus and he will probably make you tell it.“ ,, How Nice, to give me the choice who I tell something I don‘t want to tell.“,, So I was right? You are in love with him.“ ,, Can we please use other words, so it Dosen‘t sound like I am sixteen.“ ,, Just tell me what happened.“ ,, This one time, he stayed at my place for a week after a tour and one night we drunk like any alcohol I owned and“,,Okay, wait! Let me stop you right there. I don‘t want to know any dirty details, just the thought of it .... so please skip this Part!“ ,, No, we... we haven‘t done it ... well, at least to at this night. Whatever, we were pretty drunk and out of nowhere kissing seemed like a good idea, making out too. Whatever, I thought we would just forget it but the next day it was a really uncomfortable situation and I ... well I don‘t know. He stayed for a week, so we had six more days and we... well, You asked for no dirty details... Let’s just say we spend most of the time in my bed.“ ,, And then? I mean I am sure you didn’t fall in love with him just because you had sex with him years ago.“ ,, No... but... we just ... I don‘t know, I mean I knew Him before this but after we did it.. I don‘t know it just happened that I felt in love with him.“ ,, And he didn‘t?“ ,, No he did... at least he once was.“ ,, What happened?“ ,, We tried it, you know? Wanted to know if we could be a couple so I went to Berlin for a few weeks and it... it was great... we got along really well except the fact that I wasn‘t allowed to smoke in bed.“ ,,Please don‘t tell me you broke up with him because you weren‘t allowed to smoke in this bed.“ ,, No...I.... there was .... I was afraid that we would break up as soon as we where on tour or something and I was afraid that If we would Break up someone had to leave the band... or... I don‘t know I was afraid about everything.“ ,, So you broke up with him?“ ,, I... I was afraid that if I break up with him He would try to get me back and I... I told him that I met someone in Spain while he was gone and that I felt in love, that I realized my feeling weren‘t strong enough for him.“ ,, You are an Idiot! You told him that you found someone else?“ ,, Yes... I... I just thought it would be better if we weren’t a thing and making up someone seemed like a good idea back then.... and I mean, as long as I didn’t saw him it was okay, I could tell myself that what I did was right, that it was the best... But now I have to see him, for a long time, almost everyday and I am not sure If I can make it.“ ,, Want him back?“ ,, I don‘t know.... would proprably be the best if I move on. It’s not like we are really alike or have much in common.“ ,, Well, I mean you smoke enough for the both of you.“ ,, Thanks.“ ,, What? It’s not a lie. But anyway, I think you should tell him.“ ,, Tell him what? That I lied, that there never was anybody beside him. He has girlfriend and maybe she is the right one, I don‘t want to destroy another relationship of him... what if I change my mind again? What if he breaks up with her because of me and in a few days, or weeks or a year I get afraid again and do the same thing or what if we just don‘t get along.. if we break up again and one of us probably has to leave the band, and it would mostly like to be him. Which Is something I don‘t want. Not sure if I would be able to play with anybody else on stage then him....“ ,, You are not even back together and you are already thinking about what will happen if you break up.“ ,, Because thats What will happen. We will break up and this will destroy a lot.“ ,, Well, listen. I have known you for a long time, through good and bad ones and either you are going to tell him about your feelings or You need to grow up and act like the adult you are and leave his girlfriend, that did nothing to you expect being nice even though you treated her like shit, alone!“,, I know that I wasn’t nice, okay? I know that. But in the name of god, I hate her.“ ,, You don‘t hate her. You hate yourself!“ ,, No, I hate her.“ ,, Well look, if you hate her not, you have two options. Either you leave him alone and stop acting like a bitch or you tell him and see what happen. I am for option two, so in like 5 years when you are 60 and die because of lungcancer because of smoking like two packs a day, you won‘t regret not saying him what you really felt.“ ,, Well, thanks for believing I will be dead in 5 years.“ ,, Stop smoking and I won‘t“ ,, Okay, first of all, You smoke as well, second of all why are you all so damn opposed with telling me that all this smoking is unhealthy, I fucking know that. And I don‘t smoke THIS much.“ Kai brushed out laughing. ,, You Play Outside of the Studio while band practice so you can smoke.“ ,, And?“ ,, It once was fucking winter and snowing! You are addicted like no one else.“ ,, Leave me alone.“ ,, Will you tell him?“ Kai looked at him, Cigarette between his lips. ,, Maybe“ Weiki answered, taking his cigarettes and the lighter and standing up. ,, Maybe not“ he added before leaving Kai behind on the ground.

 

Later this evening, almost everybody was asleep, expect for Weiki. It was long past midnight, yet he couldn’t find sleep. And then he heard her, giggling quietly. ,, We can’t.“ Sascha whispered. ,, Oh, come on“ She had the most annoying voice he had ever heard. There was silence for a moment, when she started talking again:,, Come on, no one will know, we just need to be quite. Like no one has ever done this before.“ It was one thing to her talking, see who she stook to Sascha it would be another thing to her the two of them having sex. It’s was already hard standing her when she just set next to Sascha, it was a impossible to hear them having sex. ,, Could you might wait till everyone is asleep?!“ he heard Sascha cruse, annoying giggles from A. ,, I am sorry“ Sascha said, making sounds as he stood up. ,, Yeah, fuck off.“ Weiki answered, getting out of bed and taking his cigarettes with him. ,, What are you doing now?“ Sascha asked, face way to close for Weikis taste. ,, Going To smoke, am I allowed to?! Will be back in 20 Minutes, would be nice if you could have finished then.“ ,, 20 minutes? He must be kidding what does he“,, Shut up, Darling. Okay?“ Sascha interprupted his girlfriend. ,, Can we Talk, please?“ He then asked, turning back to his ex boyfriend. ,, What do you want to talk about? You want to fuck with your little school girl, I don‘t want to hear it so I am leaving - but I won‘t spend all night outside!“ ,, Your jealous or what?“ Weiki laughed, litinig up a cigarette. ,, On what? On her? I‘ve fucked you a hundred times, I know ways more about you in any way then she does. So why the fuck should I be jealous on a little school girl!“ ,, You have what?!“ A jumped out of bed, staring at the two men full of hate. ,, Fucked him! You are deaf?! I had sex with him, many times, if It weren’t me making mistakes you wouldn‘t even be here with him. You really think you could make me jealous by fucking him while I am in the room?! Did this years ago, nothing I don‘t know, haven‘t heard or seen!“ turning around he left the couple alone in the small way between the bunks. Sascha locked around, making sure their fight hadn‘t woken any one up, but no one seemed to care, all still laying in their bunks, snorting.
,, Is it true?“ His girlfriend asked, he looked in her eyes, brown usually warm eyes, but now they were cold and she took a step back when he wanted to touch her hand. ,, Is it true, Sascha?“ She asked again. ,, Is it important?“,, Yes!“ ,, Why? I never asked you about your ex boyfriends!“ ,, well, maybe because my ex boyfriends aren‘t old grumpy men’s, that hate you and tread you like shit! And I don’t spend most of my time with them!
Beside this, you never fucking told me you were into men! Who else in this bus did you allowed to fuck you?!“ ,, Fuck off!“ he pushed her beside, runed out of the bus, slamming the doors- not caring if he woke any one up, should they wake up, it wasn‘t his problem!

,, Not Fucking your Little School Girl?“ His Voice came unexpected and Sascha almost screamed when he heard it. ,, Weiki“ ,, What do you want? Leave me alone.“ ,, I want what you own me!“ ,, I own you nothing!“ ,, You do! You own me a talk! Because it was everything alright a day before you left and the next morning you told me you found someone else in Spain and that you couldn’t be with me and then you just walked away! You own me an Explantation, because I tried my best, I Fucking loved you, I still do! So tell me what was the damn reason for breaking my heart like this?! Who the fuck could change your mind this fast?! Did you even ever loved me?! Or was it just for your own fun?! Didn‘t wanted to fuck a groupie or a girl with a fathercomplex that screams your name at a show?! Was it that? I was there, I was at a acceptable age and I was willing?! Was it“,, I was afraid! I was Fucking afraid, okay?!“ Weiki interrupted, unable to hear this kind of words any longer, not from the person he secretly still loved. The cigarette in his fingers was almost burned down, and he flinchend when the heat touched his fingertips. ,, Of What?“ ,, Of everything! I was afraid that we wouldn’t work out, I was afraid that one of had to leave the band if we would break up, that I would lose you, I was afraid of being with someone in such seriously ways, I was afraid of so many things and I was afraid because you were a men- not that I have never been with a men before, I grew up in the 70s, but this was usually just for a night or two... I didn‘t know what to do, I wouldn‘t be able to just walk up to my parents be like: hey mom, dad, that’s my boyfriend. That would not work! They grew up doing WWII, a complete different time... I am sorry what I did to you, but I was so afraid!“ ,, And the person you met in Spain?“ ,, That.... I made it up.... there Never was anyone... I just thought, you would try to get me back if we would break up, so I made someone up and...“ ,, And talking to me about your fears weren‘t an option? I tried my best, because I really loved you and I.... you just dropped me.“ ,, I am sorry“ ,, You still love me?“ Sascha asked, looking quite nervous. ,, I... Sascha, you shouldn’t do that to yourself, I will get afraid again, I will hurt you more.“ ,,If you still love me, I won‘t let you walk away the next time! But if you don‘t, If you don‘t love me anymore I will walk away and I will leave that band, cause I can‘t spend the rest of my live with the men I love acting as if we were just friends.“ ,, I.... don‘t do this up yourself, Sascha. I.. I‘ll hurt you again and ... we won‘t work out, we’re completely different and I will just give you hope and h“,, Well, listen! I love you and seeing you everyday acting like we were just friends, like nothing happened between us hurts me more than anything else and on the otherside you act like a jealous school girl when it comes to my girlfriend and I don‘t know what to think about you! I love you, more then I have ever loved someone and If we have even the smallest chance then I am willing to take the risk of fucking it all up, because I love you and yes it’s terrifying and confusing and pretty sure we will lose fans for it, but I don‘t Fucking care about all this because I only care about you and I believe you still love me. Give us a chance, You are even allowed to smoke in my bed“ ,, I think I can control myself enough not to smoke in your bed, since this is what you would like.“ Weiki said looking at Sascha, licking his lips. ,, I do love you.“ he added. ,, I really do, but I am afraid and surely not the right person for you.“ ,, I don‘t care if you invite me to your parents and I don’t care if you smoke in bed or if you are moody, you are the right person for me.“ He stepped closer, hugging his once ex boyfriend, kissing his check before breathing in his smell, a mix of cigarettes and something Sascha never really knew what It was, but it was him and it smelled fantastic. ,, You know“ Sascha said, Running his fingers down Weikis back. ,, I don‘t know about you but I don‘t want to spend another night with my ‚little school girl‘ I mean we couldn’t find a hotel with rooms for all of us, but maybe we could find a cheap motel and you know.....“