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Longest Novel: Fall of the Republic

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It was in May 28 2020, when a forty six year old author was sitting down in his chair in his room, figuring that he was wanting to give the idea of writing his adventures a chance. He was figuring that there was finally no longer any point in hiding it any longer. He was telling himself that he had wanted to tell thousands of people what was going on in his life, and he was wanting them to see that he truly was wishing to express his creativity to make them entertained as well.
His name was T.K. Shioda, and he was sitting down, thinking about the best way he could tell his series to thousands of other people, and he was wondering if he was really thinking that this was the proper way to get people to take him serious. Was just words on paper, with relative lack of evidence, going to actually get them to believe in him? Was his desire to just write down the truth, and write it well, the thing that would have made them listen to him? When he was sitting down, and he was genuinely thinking about it, the less certain that he was going to be on the actual event. So with that, he was sighing, and figured that he was just going to stop telling himself to be afraid on this.
The only thing that he had wanted to do was just finally get this over with. In a way, he was tired of hiding, and he was tired of denying his right to let people know what had been happening in his life. So with that, he was just thinking that once he had started to tell the truth, and once he had started to get people to know that he was telling the truth, maybe he would know what he was getting himself into.
So with that, he was opening up his computer, and he was getting to the first blank document, and he was just telling himself, trying to bargain with himself one final time to just not even do it, but when he was telling himself not to do this, and not to be a coward anymore, and just to do it, and get it over with. But when T.K. knew what he was wanting to do, and he was just thinking about the fact that the story was going to be helping him fine pace, that was the thing that finally made him feel like it was just the right choice to be doing this. So with that, he was rubbing his eyes, and he was telling himself that there was no more hiding.
And besides, there was one other thing that he needed to remind himself when looking at this. He knew that his wife was going to be coming home with their just born child, and when he was thinking about that, he was smiling, and laughing, and realized that in a way, him having a family was the only reason that he was getting himself into this in the first place. As he was thinking about his kids new life, he was aware that there was literally no other fucking option.
As T.K. was sighing about that, he was thinking that his family was the main thing that he was caring about. He did not know what it was like to have a family that he had cared about so much that he was willing to give up everything that he had to make it all work out for him. He was not really sure if he was going to have the best way to describe it to somebody who had never had any kids, but when he was seeing how it was affecting his overall demeanor with each passing year after he had met his wife, he was sighing, and he was just realizing how glad that he was to be having something like this after all.
As he was realizing that his family was the main thing driving him, and as he was realizing that he had cared more about being a normal person than he had ever expected, he was finding himself realizing that maybe he had finally faced his evolution as a man. He was shaking his head though, thinking that he was not allowed to think about them quite yet. Once he was feeling like he had expressed his mind enough, and once he had gotten people to listen to him, and once they knew he was being sincere, they were going to support him, and go all the way with him.
T.K. knew that for the way for him to be able to be there for him and his family, was for him to focus exclusively on this material for the time being, until he had finally gotten the stories down, and until they had finally all felt like he had explained himself enough. But despite how much he was hating to admit it, and despite how much he was wishing to just find a way to get out of this material all on his own, he was aware of the brutal fact that there was no way that he was going to accomplish this all by himself. He was needing to get somebody at his side, to help them with the smaller details at the very least.
Despite how much he was wishing to deny it, T.K. was also hoping deep down inside that this was his chance to be able to get his family, and his friends to all meet each other, for the past to be buried, and for everybody to truly know what was going on. T.K. was genuinely telling himself that he was doing the right thing. He had not once felt like he was doing anything wrong.
As T.K. felt that this was the best way for him to go through this, T.K. was smiling, remembering what it was like to be with those people. He realized that in a small way, he was still having a small amount of immaturity to be showing something like this. Despite what he was wanting to deny, T.K. felt like he was just using this as his biggest chance ever to take advantage of others.
Eventually, T.K. sighed, and he was just feeling like he was going to get this over with. He was thinking about who he was going to be talking with first. He was thinking about his main options. There were some people that he had known he was not going to even bother wasting his time trying to contact. Such as Mimi. Not because she had hated him or anything, but mainly because she was seriously broken by what had happened.
T.K. had felt like the idea of working with her was just cruel to her, and he was feeling like she deserved better than this. So with that, T.K. felt like that was totally out of the fucking option. She was barely scraping along in life now, after what had happened. And despite the fact that he was wanting to act like it had been enough time for her to get over it, he knew deep down that he was being a fucking monster for even suggesting such a fucking thing.
As he realized where he was going with this, T.K. was deciding that he was going to just leave her alone. There was Izzy, who was possibly an option. But T.K. and Izzy had probably not talked in a good two or three years, and Izzy would be so puzzled at the idea of him trying to reach out to him at all, that he was going to just tell T.K. he was much too busy to even bother trying to discuss anything with him. So with that, T.K. was sighing, and felt like Izzy deserved better than what he was doing to them all.
As T.K. brushed Izzy out of the option, T.K. had his third option as Matt. He was thinking that Matt would maybe work under a better case. But that was just not happening. T.K. had known damn well that he was not going to be getting Matt excited about talking with him, after several small things that had built up to virtual dissatisfaction with getting to even know each other anymore.
One of the main things being the fact that T.K. was into much younger women. He had dated younger people almost exclusively for his entire adult life, and despite the fact that he was having legal dates and stuff, Matt had felt like he was just a bit unsure of what the hell to tell him. T.K. knew that it was his wife that had placed it over the edge. The fact that he was roughly double his wives age, and then finally just had a kid, was just hard for him. The last time they had a relatively positive discussion was when they were celebrating their father's 100th birthday back in March 12th, and they had not shared a word in two months.
Plus after the death of his wife back in 2016. T.K. was certain that any chances that Matt would have to be in general open about anything was being thrown out the window. T.K. did not fully blame the man, but at the same time, he was hating the fact that his brother was using what happened to his wife as an excuse to just treat other people like shit, when they had done nothing to deserve it at all.
There was Tai, who T.K. wasn't even sure would fully admit to the events that had happened. Part of T.K. was fully expecting Tai to just pretend like these events never happened, and would totally unsurprised if Tai would just say that he was going crazy, or that he was just trying to tell a story. As annoyed as that idea made T.K., he was not shocked at this at all, and was fully expecting something like this.
So with that, T.K. was reluctantly telling himself that Tai might not even be a option in the first place. So with that, T.K. was left with only one option left. That was Joe, who was the oldest member of the initial seven, at fifty one years old. He was going to have more memories of what he had. These events happened in 1986, when T.K. was just twelve years old, and while some would say Joe being seventeen was still like a kid, it was leaps and bounds different compared to just twelve.
So as T.K. was thinking about what he had been getting himself into, T.K. was telling himself that maybe he was just needing to give the Joe call a chance. Besides, he had felt like the worst that was going to happen was that Joe was going to just tell him off, and say that he was too busy to do the job. Which was not the end of the world.
In a way, T.K. had felt like maybe Joe rejecting the idea of this was going to be the best way to go about this. But until he was getting there, he was not even going to be considering this idea. He was going to just consider what he was going to tell Joe in a call, and justify the idea of calling him after five months of no contact. Joe lasted talked with him on new years day, and T.K. didn't even bother telling him that his wife was now four months pregnant.
Despite the fact that the more he was thinking about it, the more he was seeing how truly awful of a friend he really was, he was just telling himself that this was going to be his redemption, and that he just needed to focus on the second chances. So with this, he was sighing, and he was getting ready to just make the call, and in a way, he was going to just roll the dice, and see what Joe was going to be saying here.
So when he called, Joe answered after just four seconds of waiting, which was making T.K. happy. "Hey Joe, how are you?" T.K. asked, just trying to keep himself excited as hell. When Joe was hearing T.K.'s fear as well as joy, he was feeling like he had just needed to see where T.K. was going to be heading with this.
"I was wanting to talk to you guys about something important. Something that I think you might want to help me out on." T.K. said, and he was wondering if Joe was just going to tell him off, or if Joe was actually going to be listening, and actually give him a chance, and be able to see if he was going to actual help. "I know you might be kind of confused about this, and I do not blame you." Once he was done, Joe was sighing, and decided to just give this a chance.
He had no idea what to believe or reject, but he was just going to not reject at least hearing what T.K. was wanting to talk about, and sighed, telling himself that he was probably going to regret this. "So T.K., what is going on?" After he had asked T.K. this, that was when T.K. was just collecting his thoughts, and jumped right to the main point.
"The truth of the matter is, is that I want to tell the world the story that we had gone through back in the summer of eighty six. I mean, people are going to probably not believe in me, but I feel like I just need to at least. I need to just take a leap of faith, and at least give myself a chance." After T.K. said that to Joe, that was when he was taking a long and deep breath, and he was wondering what T.K. would have gone on to say to this idea.
"T.K., do you really believe that this is a good idea?" Joe asked, and T.K. was not wanting to waste their time, and he was not wanting to deal with Joe trying to tell him off, so with that, he was getting right to the point, and he was going to make his voice heard, even if it was going to be pissing him off.
"It is a better idea than nothing at all. I mean, I know that people are going to tell me that I should not do this. I know that people are going to deny the right for me to do this, but I don't care. I want to make a choice. I am going to just tell the story, and if people want to listen to me, great, and if not, then I will not be surprised, but I will be glad to just give it a chance." T.K. said, and then he was waiting for Joe to respond, if he was going to try and say much at all.
"Alright, I will give you a chance, but only because you're a friend, and I want to help you out." After Joe said that, that was all that T.K. had needed, and that was the only thing that T.K. felt like he truly deserved here. There was no real reason for T.K. to even assume that something else was going to be happening.
"Thank you. I knew that I was probably never going to be getting anything else from you guys, and while that is a shame, I just knew that I have to be realistic when looking at this." T.K. said, and then he was wondering how likely it was that Joe was going to really help him out. T.K. was wondering if perhaps Joe was going to truly believe in what they were getting themselves into. T.K. did not know, and honestly, he did not care what was happening.
"Joe, I know that you guys wanted to just put this behind us. I mean, I was the exact same way. I was telling myself to never come back here. But I always told myself that I just needed to give this a chance. I never wanted to just pretend like this was something I could escape forever. I think that us writing this down might truly be for the best." After he was done saying that, this was when he had known that Joe was never going to buy it.
"I never thought that we could put it behind us forever. I just thought that maybe I could give myself the illusion to doing something like that. You know, just to pretend like there was no need to worry about this. I never really thought that it was gone forever though." After Joe said that to T.K., that was when T.K. was sighing, feeling like Joe was being a good man, and that he was also being a realistic man at this whole thing.
"I wanted to think that it was at least mildly possible. But I think that maybe if we wanted to do something like that, then we should have gotten people to really listen to our issues. I think that once I do this though, and once the world has listened to us, then I think that we can all be proud of where we are going." T.K. said, and that was when he was telling himself that everything he was saying was a load of shit, and that he was just needing to cut out the crap.
"Anyways, I just feel like it is more important for me to truly confront the past, and show the people around me that I am no longer afraid of what I need to tell. I think that now that I know there is a story to tell, and a way for those around us to hear it, I think that I am willing to just be honest with others." After he was done saying that, this was when Joe was deciding that he was going to ask the main question that he had felt like really mattered here.
"T.K., can you answer one question that I think is really important?" After Joe asked T.K. this, that was when T.K. sighed, feeling like this was going to be something that he might regret, but something that he was needing to be asked nonetheless, so with that, he was just letting Joe just go at it.
"What is it? I mean, we are getting deep into this, so I will let you have a chance." I said, and then after I had said that, he was taking a breath, and I was telling myself to just be careful, and that no matter what he was going to ask me, I was going to be slightly annoyed, but I was needing to just be patient with him, no matter where this was going to head.
"What is the true reason you decided to write this story down? I don't want to call you out for bullshit or anything like that, but I feel like there is more to this than you just wanting to make your mind at ease. I feel like there is something going on, that is keeping you just wishing to branch out." After Joe said this to T.K., this was when T.K. was sighing, and he was thinking that Joe might be angry for not telling him the truth months ago, but he was just needing to get it over with.
"I have a son who is going to be born today. His name is Trent. He is coming home tonight, and I wanted to get a head start before he comes home, that way we can have a start on what I need to just get done." T.K. said, and he was just preparing himself for what Joe was going to say. He was preparing himself for Joe getting angry at him, and telling him that he had just needed to say that at the start months ago.
"I was just scared to tell you since I was feeling you might not have been all that interested in hearing about it. I always felt like maybe you were just going to tell me that I needed to stop talking about it." After T.K. had said that, he was sighing, feeling like this was silly for him to be worried about, but now that he was just telling the truth, he was almost feeling like he had needed to get this over with. Joe was taking a second to reply before answering.
"That is great to hear. I did not think you were ever going to be doing something like that though. I thought that this was something that you were just sort of out of the range of." After Joe said that, this was when T.K. sighed, and slightly rolled his eyes, wanting to pretend like Joe was full of shit, but in a way, he was thinking that maybe Joe was onto something this time.
"I know. I think that it is just kind of strange that this is happening. I don't know how better to describe it." T.K. finished, and then he was wondering if Joe really knew what to say. Joe was wondering if he had wanted to say more, and if he was wanting to talk with T.K., but in a way, he did not want to force anything else onto T.K., or risk anything at all, so he was just remaining silent on this.
"Hey T.K. I think that maybe we should be letting go now. I will head on my way there. I will be there as soon as you can. But you can get started while you wait for me. And congratulations for having the kid by the way." After Joe had said that to T.K., this was when the discussion was coming to a close, and that there was literally no need to keep the phone conversation up any longer, and he was able to just leave.
"Bye Joe, thanks for working with me again. I am so fucking happy to know at least one man is at my side." After T.K. finished this, that was when he was letting the conversation go, and then he was hanging up the phone, and he was feeling like there was several things going on in his mind, and he was wishing to finally just get a real answer. But that such a thing was just going to be really fucking difficult to deal with.
T.K. was rubbing his eyes, feeling like he had wished to find a way to carry this conversation better for everybody involved. Despite the issues T.K. had with Joe, that was when he was telling himself that he had wanted to work harder and longer with him, but that if he was going to do such a thing, T.K. was needing to show him that he was being serious. He was needing to show Joe and the others that he was not using them, and that he was genuinely wanting what he had felt like was best.
Once T.K. was done with this, he was going back to his document, and he was thinking about where he was going to start. After a couple of seconds of thinking about it, and just trying to find something to start with, that was when T.K. had felt like he was having a place to start. He was feeling like despite the fact that many would feel like this was an unconventional place to start, that he just needed to go with this, since it was the hardest story to tell, but that by telling everybody what the truth was, he was going to truly do people justice. That was the only thing that truly mattered. So with that, he started to write down the few bits and pieces that he did remember, slowly gathering a title, and letting the slow brewing storm coming onto the screen.
When he had just written a couple of sentences, there was a text message that he had been given though. Something that he was wishing that had never happened, especially when he was in the middle of the one project in his life that mattered. Then he was staring at the message a couple of seconds, and when he saw it, and processed it fully, he was now scared.
'I know what you are getting into.' After the text showed him this message, that was when T.K. was actually kind of scared, and he was feeling like the idea that he was getting this text less than two minutes after he started to write the book of his life, was just the one big thing that was putting him over the edge. He was sighing, telling himself not even to waste his time on this, and just brush it off as a joke. But the timing got him.
Not only did the timing get him, but the fact that there was no number from the text. It was literally just blank, and T.K. had heard about things like this before, but he was never seeing such a thing before, and that was when T.K. knew that there was indeed something happening now. That was when he was sighing, and knew that he really had no choice but to just wonder where the hell this text was going to be leading him.
He was thinking that this was either the most important text of his life, or the dumbest prank he ever had. Less than ten seconds after he had thought that, there was a text from him telling him a number to call. After the text had shown him this, that was when there was another forty seconds or so of silence before there was one more text that was related to what was going on with contacting, and sort of affirming that this was not a joke.
'I know that this is going to be hard for you to finish. Call me tonight, and we have some important matters to discuss.' After the text was finished with this, that was when T.K. was sighing, wondering what the hell he was going to be doing now. He was wondering if perhaps he really had a choice or not. He was sighing, and told himself that deep down, he did not have a choice, and that he just needed to get this over with. He just needed to call the number, and hope that they had some information.
He was wanting to give this a chance as a false contact, and that was why he placed the phone down for about ten minutes or so, writing a couple of loose sentences for his story before he decided to just get it over with, and see what the hell this man was trying to accomplish now.

Chapter Text

-Todd Jr's POV August 22 2020 8:33 pm- Hi, my name is Todd, and I guess you can call this a shared journal that me and my siblings are sharing. I am the oldest of eleven siblings, as of today, with my parents bringing in the last one, who was just born a few hours ago. Honestly, by this point, I don't really even know what to be exactly feeling about it all anymore.

I guess that maybe we can start at a more realistic pace. So I am twenty years old, and I have sort of been the voice of reason for many of our siblings this whole time. Not too shocking, considering that I was the first one, even if it can get kind of tiresome. But I would not want to admit that out loud, since despite everything going on, I do still love my siblings.

My father was an extremely late starter when he became a parent for the first time. He had me at fifty years old, which means that in just a little more than two months from now, my father will be turning seventy years old. That's just crazy in my mind. Then you have my mother, twenty seven years younger, and feeling like both her and him, also named Todd, have been getting far too old to continue, so they both agreed right then and there that this was the last one.

As you know, I am the oldest, and I am still living at the house. Currently, I am unemployed, although I do think that I am going to be able to rectify that one soon enough, thankfully. I have been just watching as everything had been forming over the years, and despite how much I dislike to admit it, I never had a serious relationship. Not too shocking, since a grand total of zero people want to be associated with the man with ten younger siblings.

My second sibling is Gabe, turning eighteen on October 2nd. He is a senior in high school, and is trying to just pretty much spend most of his next time just getting the final ten credits needed to graduate (out of fifty in total required). He has also never dated anybody, but he does have quite a bit of friends, so I guess that in a way, that does balance out, as opposed to mine three or four.

Josiah is the next one, at fifteen years old, and is trying to make a spot for himself with his music taste. I mean, for somebody his age, he really is pretty good. I think he genuinely can be able to make it if he focuses enough. And that is something that truth be told, I am jealous of. Unlike Gabe and I, he had dated a few times before, the most recent ending only about two weeks ago.

Seth is the fourth oldest, at eleven years old. The gap between Josiah and Seth being the largest one out of any of the individual siblings. He is really trying to be making a big name for himself in his class for the comedy area. So I guess that in some regard, he is very much the same as Josiah. I guess that I never thought much about it until now. Although I do feel bad for him, with his lack of friends here.

Jack is fifth, at nine years old, and really enjoys sports. Honestly, that is just so strange, seeing him out there in the front yard, practicing on a daily basis. I mean, he really is dedicated to trying to make this whole thing work out. I am honestly kind of impressed with how much he just wants to genuinely make it all work out.

Then you have the middle one, Lydia, at just seven years old. Lydia is the middle and only girl out of all of us. She was adopted, which is something that all of the older ones tried to decide to either hide from her forever or as long as possible. We felt like in a way that was for the best for her. I was just wanting to make sure she never got too uncomfortable.

Henry is the oldest of the younger batch of brothers, at five years old. He is one of the very few people that I know who was born on January first, and this is something that he really enjoys bringing up to other people. As if his birthday is something to be bragging a lot about. I guess that I can't really judge too much though.

Dylan was the first of the two twins, at just three years old. Barely even old enough to have much of a personality of his own. He just likes to do a lot of dirty stuff, and get really dirty. That is pretty much all that I knew, and all that I cared to really know. Although when he gets older, that will obviously change.

Drake was the slightly younger of the twins, born sixteen minutes later. He is much cleaner and calm of the two. I mean, I always felt like he was just trying to not be like his brother because maybe there was a small part of him that might have been slightly embarrassed by this whole thing. That being said, I was not going to say anything.

Calvin was the second to last one, at two years old. He still is in the same room as mom and dad, and I think that he will probably remain that way for another two or something. He hardly talks, and when he does talk, there is always something that he clearly has in his mind, and just wants to actually really consider. I mean, sure he was just two, but for a two year old, he must have had a brain.

And now we have Ridge, the one who was born today, and the one who was brought home today, and the final son. He is the one that we were all really excited for, since we all knew that there was going to be an end, and this was it. I think most of us were just wondering when the last one would show up, rather really than if there was going to be a last one. So I guess that to some extent, this was a good thing.

Also, I will make one thing very clear, when we start getting to the much younger ones, do not be shocked if much of the narration is up to date like a adult way of speaking. I am compiling these entries, and I am going to try and make them semi read able and coherent, and that is why they all will have a sort of adult way of speaking, as well as a relatively clean prose. If some mistakes show up here and there, then I'm sorry, but I tried.

When my parents were back, my father was looking right at me, and I was seeing that he was on the verge of just falling right asleep. I would not really blame him if he was like this. But I figured that I would try and find one final time to talk with him for the night before he was planning on heading right to sleep.

"Hey dad, how are you tonight?" I asked, looking right at him, and then he glanced right up at me, and I was seeing him looking like he really had nothing to say right now. "I mean, if you are too tired to speak, then I will leave you alone." I said, not wanting to sound mean, but I was just unsure how to be reacting right now.

"I'm fucking tired honestly. I mean, I have no better way to explain it than that. I just want to take a moment to rest, and just think deeply about what I am going to do to make your siblings have a good and free life." He said, and looked right up at me, wondering what he was going to even say now.

"Are you going to be trying to hang out with some of your friends tonight? I mean, just make sure that you do not stay out too late without letting us know if you do." After my father said that to me, I nodded, feeling like I had no real reason to object to something like this.

"Yeah, I have some people that I want to just tell about the delivery. I mean, I think that they were aware that there was going to be another one, but I just wanted to go along, and relay the news to them that it is official now." I said, and then looked right at him, wondering what else I was even going to say to him now. If there was anything to say.

"Well, I mean, I guess that when I was your age, I did a lot of things that I just wanted to do for my friends. I wanted to just enjoy every moment that I had. You know, not fall behind, and not do something that I regretted." My dad said, and then he was starting to look slightly more attentive on what was going on, and looked like he was paying more attention.

"I would have a lot of fun when I see the woman you decide to bring home and have a relationship with." He told me, and then I winced at that remark, unsure of what to tell him that I did not have a girlfriend. I had no idea how to really get one now, since I had barely hung out with many people, and was sort of all over the place.

"I plan on getting a job soon. I have seen some places that are currently hiring. I think that I might try and find a place soon, and when I do, maybe I can find a girl there. I don't know. It is the best thing that I could hope for." I said, and then I glanced right at him, wishing that I had something else to say, but decided to just keep my remarks alone.

"Well, I think that mom and I are going to be very excited to see who you meet up with. I would love to see a grandkid at some point in my life." After dad said that to me, I was sighing, and looked right down on the ground, feeling like what he was saying was just on par with guilt tripping. I had wished he never said something like that, to never make me feel like he was throwing me under the bus.

"I am sure that one of us will be able to do it. I would not be too worried about that. I mean, I have no reason to believe that there won't really be one of us that would do that." I said, and then I was looking right at him, hoping that he was going to be seeing my bluff.

"I guess that part of it is my fault. But I mean, if I never have a chance to see something go through, then part of me will really feel slightly let down." My dad said, and then after he was done saying that, he was clearly looking like he had no real reason to continue, and he was looking like he was willing to move on.

"I love you guys. I will find something someday. Trust me when I say that." I said, and then I was looking right at him, hoping that I could hold my end to the promise. If I had said something and then it turned out to be false, then that was going to be a issue. But right now, I was feeling like he had enough time for at least Gabe or Josiah or I to have had one.

I was hoping that I was going to actually mean it. "Well, I will be heading out now. I will see what I can do about getting that job, and I will let you know." I said, desperate to let the growingly more uncomfortable conversation end, so that way I did not feel like I was going to be needing more and more pressure mounting up for any of us.

As I was out of the house, I was figuring that I would go on and see Chad first. He lived much closer, and I was thinking that he would be easier to discuss with the reveal. I was thinking that when I would see him, the two of us could be able to just talk for a while and just generally mess around, and not be too worried about anything going on right now.

As I was heading towards Chad's house, I was thinking about what he always felt like when more and more siblings were being brought to the house. I always knew that he was just thinking that my parents had started to go over board, and he was feeling like my parents needed to have some form of self control. I would agree, but I didn't want to say anything.

I was also wondering something else. I was wondering if my siblings were going to these labyrinth parties. I mean, I knew that my siblings were always into those things, and I was feeling like there was something going on with that. But I felt like maybe they just liked the idea of just not giving a fuck after that awful sound showed up.

God, I fucking hated that sound. There was no better way to describe it to be honest. I was feeling like the person who had created that grinding noise needed to fucking just find something else to do. I was feeling like there was certainly some form of logging business going on when that would go off.

However, something else confused me. You know, I was wondering what the hell was going on, making that noise happen in the first place. I mean, I was wondering if it really was logging or something else. The main reason I wondered this was the erratic pattern of it setting off.

It seriously set off at the most random times, such as sometimes being every several months, and then down to every few weeks. Like there was a period of time when for about three years, it went off every two months on the dot. Then it went off like once every five or six months for about three times, and then after that, it went off like three times in one month. And then there was a year where it went off one time, 2013 it went off on June 7, and that was literally it. Then the next year, 2014, it went off a record of twenty two times (January and May being the only months it did not go off twice, and only once). This year it has set off four times. February 18, April 21, June 11, and July 28. As you can guess, none of it made any sense. But there has never been a single year in my entire life where it did not go off at least once. Not a single fucking one.

As I was getting closer to Chad's house, there was another thing that I was wondering about, although I did not want to admit it out loud. I was wondering what had happened with that grinding noise that tied it with the missing girls in town.

That was also a very usual thing. Almost every time that this thing went off, about one to two weeks later, a girl would go missing in this town. The youngest was only eleven that I remembered, and the oldest was thirty nine. Usually the age range was seventeen to twenty two. I just found it really strange, but I had my own theories on it.

Eventually, as I was putting all of these thoughts around in my head, that was when I was getting closer to Chad's house, and I was hoping that maybe he and I could talk about it for a bit, and he might be willing to help me just think of some things that I could have said to make some sense out of it all.

When Chad answered his door after I had knocked on it, he was looking right at me, tired, and looking like he had been doing shit all fucking day. I was wondering if it was best to just leave him alone, and let him be doing his own thing. As I was thinking all this, he was stopping me.

"Don't worry. I just have been thinking about a lot of things, and I was just unsure of how to be going at it all. But if you wanted to hang out for a while, then I am more than willing to do so." After he had said that to me, I was sighing, and felt like I needed to come up with something to say if I was to make this whole thing work.

"I was wondering if you had some suggestions on what to do tonight. My parents brought home my younger brother Ridge. Let's just hope that they are done after this one, and they mean it." I said, and then I was thinking about what I had said, and thinking about what the hell I was even talking about when looking at him. Chad sighed, thinking that it was a miracle that it was all over with finally.

Before I would even have a chance to say a single word, I was looking right at Chad, and I was going to open my mouth when the noise that I had been talking about just came up. The grinding noise went off for about five minutes or something, and during the entire time, it was dead silence with the town. Not a single word was uttered in the streets during the time.

"Oh shit, that just happened again. I was actually thinking about it just a moment ago. I guess that maybe I just jinxed it." I said, trying to be funny about it, but in my mind, it was no laughing matter. The whole thing was just annoying, and I wanted it to end.

"Dude, what the hell is it anyways? I mean, it makes no sense. But I guess that this means that there is going to be a labyrinth party coming up. Do you think that you might be interested in going to that this time?" After Chad asked me this, I was looking right at him, and I was feeling like what he was asking was going to be a bit hard to answer, but I was aware he was being fair.

"Well, I am not going to be wondering for too much longer. I just want to know what it is so badly. But I guess that maybe doing something like looking into it might not be a very smart idea." I said, and then I was thinking about what it was going to be like if I was actually going to try and go through with this idea. I was sighing, and could not believe myself.

"Honestly, I am just wondering if people are even wondering anything of it at all, or if they do not really even care all that much. I mean, I guess that it is not that big of a deal, but this whole thing really makes no sense." Eventually, Chad looked like he was already willing to move on from it.

"Are you wanting to know what the noise is about? I hate to admit, but I feel like I really just need to know what it is, or else I am going to be going insane." I was telling him, and I knew that he was not going to be a big fan of me saying stuff like this. He was just wishing that I would not be acting like this all the time.

"Well, I am going to just see what the hell my parents might say on it. My dad has lived here since he was twelve years old. Surely he must know something here." I said, and then I was shrugging, thinking nothing of it, and thinking that if he knew, he would tell me, and if not, then he wouldn't. Simple as fucking that.

"I think that maybe your father would be the one to check if you must check one of them out. I mean, that man is a genius, and I would not be surprised if he knew it. But there is a small part of me that just knows that it really is not all that important to look into." After Chad said that, he was shrugging, and as much as I was hating to admit, I was wondering if perhaps he was right in what he had been saying, and that maybe I was looking too deep into something so small.

With that, I was then thinking about what we were able to talk about, that made the whole thing seem just a bit better for us all. "So now that we know what the hell we are getting ourselves into, what the heck do you really think is happening?" I asked, and then I was just wanting to pretend like I was not really too focused on that, when I was aware that I think we both knew that something like that was bullshit.

"Well, I am interested in going to the labyrinth party this time. What about you?" Chad asked me, and then I was sighing, thinking that as much as I hated to admit it, I did want to see what it was like, and I was going to want to see where this was heading.

So with this, I was just feeling tired, and wanted to see what else I might be able to discuss in the long run here. "Yeah, I am going. I think it might be tomorrow or something. I do want to go, as much as I hate to admit it." I admitted, thinking that it might be good for me in terms of meeting somebody for my own sake.

-August 23 2020 11:22 pm- I was getting ready for the labyrinth party coming up. I was unable to fucking believe the fact that I was doing this. I never really got the point of it, and often times found them stupid and over the top. But I guess that I was just desperate to be doing something that I felt like would have given me some form of a chance at being cool.

I mean, if I really was getting a job soon, and if I was going to be putting money on the table, one fucking night left of being over the top and stupid was going to be fine. I mean, it was just ging to be one more night. Everybody would be able to live with that. I was feeling like the only thing that could be a issue was if I met people who hated me.

And as selfish as it was for me to admit, I was feeling like going to the party was going to give me a chance to possibly get a girlfriend. I was feeling like I had just needed to try and really make something work with her. I was thinking that if I would be able to get a woman to actually like me, then it would be the change in the world.

I was thinking that if I could get somebody to date me, then I was thinking that my parents were going to be making fun of me forever. They were never going to be letting it go, and I was not going to be super excited for something like that.

Honestly, I was just thinking that the chances of a woman liking me enough for this would have been less than ten percent. I was just telling myself that I was going to just try and see what I might be able to get out of this, but that it was not even going to matter. In a way, I was just feeling like that I was still able to dream, even if it was unlikely.

I felt like as long as neither Chad nor Dan made fun of me for not being super popular or cool, and not going out to more of these, then I was feeling like maybe that would have been fine enough. I was just thinking that in a way, I was going to have to really make the point well.

I mean, despite the fact that I refused to admit it, I was feeling like maybe I really did make a fucking mistake not bringing my popularity up by going to these parties earlier. I had started to feel like I should have gone to more of these, and actually have a chance to be happier with my life.

I was wondering if maybe this was me going back to my childhood state, or if this was me finally admitting that I was looking at life from a totally shitty perspective, and that I just needed to finally do something that was for myself for once. Yes, I know my words make no sense. But my mind was all over the place.

All that I did know was that if I was going to be going on this party, I was not going to be letting anybody know what I was planning on doing, and that I was not going to be letting anybody know that this was virtually my way of trying to recapture my entire life. I was feeling like doing this was literally the only way that things were able to be done.

When Chad was getting close to me, to go on to the party, he was looking at me, and I knew from the way he was looking at me, I was seeing that he was clearly wanting to show me that this was him being proud of me for the fact that I was wanting to try and do something that was not going to be just staying at home all day or anything like that.

"Dan was telling me that you were planning on going to this party and stuff… I did not know if you were telling the truth. I just thought that perhaps he was just saying that to get me to be thinking that you had something in you to be adventurous." After Chad said this, I looked at Chad, and sighed at the fact that I really had no idea what to say.

"Well, honestly I think that the idea of me going out to parties is the one thing that I never thought that I was going to be doing. I think that part of me just wants to stay at least somewhat out of the range of controversy." I said, and then I was laughing at this, wondering if he was going to be buying what I had been saying at all, or just thinking that I was just saying this to make him feel differently.

"I guess that I also thought that if my younger siblings found out what I was doing, that they were going to use this as a chance to basically convince my parents that they should be allowed to do stuff like this, and I feared many of them were far too young for that." I said, thinking that something like this was a terrible excuse.

Even the way he was looking right at me was showing me that he was having a hard time fully buying what I had said. I was sighing, and I was thinking that perhaps I really did need to just drop the act, and just admit that it really was not something for me, at least at first.

"Dude, I think that you don't need to fucking lie about it. I mean, I really don't care all that much what you were feeling or doing. I was just finding the whole thing to be odd is all." After he had said that to me, he was shrugging, and then I was sighing, feeling like perhaps I was needing to think of what he was saying, and just think about what we were getting ourselves into.

"Yeah, I guess that I am just being a bit antsy. I just have no idea what I am going to do when I get out there, and I go on a party that I have no idea if I am going to enjoy or not." I said, and then I remained silent, and I was feeling like regardless of what was happening, I just needed to be looking at things slightly easier.

"Do you think that perhaps you would have enjoyed them if you have gone to them earlier? I mean, I do believe that if you have gone to these earlier, and if you had finally just sort of went at it all and stuff, that things might be entirely different." After Chad told me this, I was sighing, and I was wondering what he was even going to try and accomplish as he was saying that to me, but I decided to remain silent.

"I mean, I might have. I think there is no real reason for me to not think that I might have." I said, and I decided that the honesty and the real look at life was going to just keep this whole thing up. I was wondering if Chad was going to tell me about some things that he was planning, and if he was already aware of some fucking evil master plan or some shit like that.

"Well, I guess that maybe we can go on and just pick up Dan. He has somebody who he is taking on a date with though, so I think that you probably need to just be prepared for if he is going to be more focused on that than anything else." Chad told me, and as we were getting along to get Dan, I was then thinking of something that I knew he was not really going to want to talk about. But I didn't care.

"Do you know who the missing person was this time around? I mean, I feel like there is something that makes me really want to know." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and the way that Chad looked right at me was showing that this was literally a discussion that he had never wanted to have. In a way, I guess that I did not really blame him.

"I never thought about it too much. I don't think that I have heard any news report on it. Do you think that you might have an idea?" After he had asked me this, I was sighing, and I was wondering what we were getting ourselves into by even mentioning this.

"I think that I would like to know who it was at least. You know, maybe to see if there is something that I could do to make things a bit easier for that family. Only if I knew them, obviously." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to drop the subject right now if I was not wanting to mildly annoy my friend right now.

"Todd, I think you are aware just as well as I am that something like this has literally a zero percent chance of actually happening." After Chad had said this to me, I was not wanting to have him tell me this, but I was aware deep down that he was right. I was well aware of the fact that no matter what I wanted to do, there was nothing that I could do about it.

"I know. I guess that I just like to try and believe that what I am doing actually has some form of real life meaning." I said, and then I was laughing, and thankfully for both of us, this entire debate was ending when we were getting closer to where Dan had lived, and I was feeling like when we were going to pick him up, his reaction and his joy was going to be enough to save us both here.

Once Dan was coming down with his brown haired girlfriend, or date I should say, I was seeing him looking like he was just so happy to be finally pulling something like this off. I was telling myself that perhaps this was the one thing that I needed to remind myself when I was trying to talk about happiness here.

"Hey guys, how are you doing today?" After Dan asked this question, I was stopping, and I was thinking about it for a second. I was thinking about what he was able to do to keep himself up in such a good mood today. I was feeling like he certainly was just carrying himself like this because of the date.

"We were just wondering when you were going to be ready. Todd and I have been waiting for you for so long." After Chad said this, Dan was looking right at me, and I was seeing him looking like he was having a hard time buying it right now. He was feeling like if he was going to get me to talk about this stuff better, then he was just needing to play along.

"I was going to be ready for this long before Todd even considered the idea of going. I have been waiting for this one for such a long time, with my date and all." After Dan had admitted this, I was nodding, now aware of the fact that this was something that he had been planning for a very long period of time. I looked at Chad, wondering what he was going to be saying to this.

"How long have you been ready for something like this?" I asked, and I was just looking at him in a way that was showing him that I did not care if he had been waiting for a while. I just wanted him to be honest about it, so that way I could just shrug it off, and move the fuck along. You know, just to sort of get over it.

"I was kind of wanting to do something with it, and I was excited to see some friends again and stuff. But I never really was thinking super deeply about it." Chad said, and then I was looking at the girl who was with Dan, and I was seeing from the way that she was looking right now taht it was having a good chance she was already tipsy, and that me talking with her was virtually never going to fucking happen.

"Do you know the person who had went missing last?" I asked, feeling like maybe asking her a question directly would get her to react. When she looked at me for a moment, I was seeing from the way that she was acting that this was not going to be happening. With that, I was sighing, and told myself not to think too much on it.

-August 24 2020 12:18 am- I was at the house where the party was going to be, and when I was sitting in the car for a few seconds longer, I was thinking about just leaving, and pretending like I had some important things to do. But I wanted to claim something for my life even more, and that outweighed literally anything in my mind.

"Fuck it, we're here now, and we are going to have the time of our lives." I said, and this was something that I was mainly saying for myself, to try and get myself to believe it in. However, as I was saying this, and I was actually thinking it, I was believing that I was telling the truth after all. So I was getting out of the car, and my friends were already down the pathway.

When I had actually gone inside of the building, I was seeing that about forty people or so were already in attendance. I was sighing, and I was thinking that maybe I really did not predict the popularity of these enough.

I was looking around, and I was seeing quite a few people that I went to school with in the area. I was seeing many people who I had not interacted with since high school, and while it had only been two years, I was just so happy to be seeing these people again. Knowing how much fun I really did have when looking back.

So with that, I was thinking that I could adapt into one of these enough. And even though I knew that I was not legally old enough to drink or anything, when I was seeing some of the alcohol in the area, I was thinking that I might as well just have one or two shots, just to see what people were having here. I was just happy to finally let loose.

"Hey Todd, haven't seen you in a while." The voice of a girl said, and I turned around, and when I was looking at her, I knew her as the pizza delivery girl. "How has it been lately?" She asked, and then I was smiling for a bit, glad that a woman wanted to speak with me. A nice woman, who was wanting to be nice at least for the time being.

"Hey Bebe. Not much. Just coming here to this party upon the suggestion of my friends. I guess that I wanted to go to one anyways, but was always scared of being insensitive." I said, and then I looked right at Bebe, happy to see her again. I remember having a couple of classes with her in high school, and she was always relatively polite with me.

"Don't worry about it. People are not really worried about that stuff. You can pretty much do whatever you want, and nobody would care all that much." After Bebe said that to me, she was looking at me for a few seconds longer, clearly trying to think of something to tell me right now.

"Hey I know that this might be a bit random, but do you maybe want to go out for some dinner tomorrow? You know, just to hang out and catch up. Hardly got to know you in school besides the pizza girl." I said, and I knew that I was sounding strange, but I was just wanting to give her a choice, and I was just wanting to give something like this a chance, and see if it might work out for the best.

"Yeah, I guess that something like this could be a lot of fun. I mean, I never really got to get to know you, so I think that maybe we could catch up on quite a bit." After she had told me this, I was sighing, and I was just glad to be knowing that perhaps maybe I was able to make something work out after all.

"It really is good to see you again." I said, and then this time I was sincerely meaning it, and I was not just saying that to appease her. I was wanting her to understand that in all honesty, it was great to finally get to know her a bit.

When I was done with that whole thing, I was seeing Bebe looking really happy. Seeing her like this when we were talking was the best thing in my mind. I was just so glad to finally see somebody look like they had really wanted to know me for who I was.

So when I was thinking about the agreement that I made with her, I was looking around and I was seeing some other person that I had not seen in a while sitting down on a table in the room. When I saw him there, and saw him looing depressed as shit, I was feeling like I just needed to see what the issue was, so I sighed, and went over to him.

I had no real reason to want to speak with him, and I was feeling like he was probably not going to want to speak with me, since he didn't know who I was. But I was just telling myself that he was going to be willing to let me know more if I could just speak with him, and talk to slightly appease the feelings that he was having right now.

"Hey, how are you tonight?" I asked, and then I saw him looking right up at me, and when I was seeing him, I was seeing that he was not looking happy at all. In a way, I was thinking that I needed to just try and pretend like we were not here. But this man was the one person who I felt like I could connect with, and that was why I just needed to get to know him a bit better.

"I'm doing alright. But I feel like you should not waste your time talking to me. You are not going to be getting anything out of it." He said, and then that sudden abrasive matter was getting to me for a second, and I was feeling like I just needed to know what the issue was. I was thinking that if I could get to know him, things would not be so bad.

"I remember you from school. You're Travis, right?" I asked, and I was wondering what the hell the purpose of this whole thing really wasl. I was wondering why I was trying so damn hard to get to know him right now. But then he was just looking like he was having a level of confusion in his face, which I did not blame him for.

"Yeah, you're right. Weren't you the guy with like a million siblings?" After he had asked me this, I was sighing, feeling like that was going to be the way that everybody knew me as, and that the sooner I accepted this, the better that I was going to be. Even if I was wishing to have a slightly different reputation.

"Yeah, that was me. I was just seeing that you weren't looking all that happy right now, and I was just wanting to see if perhaps you were thinking about something." I said, and then he was looking right at me, clearly unsure of what he was even going to tell me right now. But he was also looking like he did not want to cause a big issue.

"The fact that people are here, celebrating these terrible things, and not a single person cares for the fact that there is somebody who went missing. I guess that in all honesty, I am not helping the narrative too much by being here. But it makes me mad." He said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering what the hell I was going to tell him now.

"I think you would feel better when you know that there are several people here who do not like what is happening. Several people here believe that what is going on is wrong. But we have these parties as a way to sort of just not think about it too much." I said, looking right at him, and I was hoping that he was going to enjoy what I had said.

"If people were sad over this, they are doing a terrible a job showing it. But I guess that people are not wanting to hear it." Travis said, and then he was taking a fast shot of a drink, and from the way he was looking at the table, I knew it was not the first.

I was in a hard spot because while I agreed with Travis, I knew that this was a party, and in all honesty, now that I was here, and now that I was enjoying myself, I was wanting to actually not ruin it by having this discussion. I was feeling like I needed to talk to him about it later though.

"Maybe we can talk about it later. I think that we can be able to really get some things discussed here, and you know I think that maybe we can both learn some things here." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was seeing travis having no fucking interest in me trying to butter him up this way.

"Maybe in a couple of days, when I actually think about it more, I might be able to come to you." he said, and then the way that he was looking at me was showing that even if he was wanting to do more, he was aware that getting me along into something that I was not going to enjoy was just not going to be the besy way to go at this.

"Thank you for being nice about it. I do want to just consider things a bit better before I make any real mistakes." I said, and then I was looking right at him, feeling like no matter what Travis was going to tell me, we were going to have a big fucking road ahead of us, and that neither of us could really accomplish much.

"I am not going to try and get people to actually listen to me. Nobody fucking cares about me anymore." Travis was telling me, and I was wondering if he had been wanting to look into this on his own or if he was just wanting to pretend like things were fine enough. But I was just really feeling like a fucking mad man.

"I will be seeing what I can do here, and I will see if there are any people I can just hang out with tonight, but we can talk about this later, and I think that we will both have a lot of things that we want to talk about it. So don't worry too much about this." I said, and then I was feeling like if I did something else, he was not going to be happy with the 'lie' or anything like that.

"I guess that maybe we can see what we can do. But I doubt that it will really matter." After Travis said this, I was just thinking about what my Travis had been saying, and I was wondering if he was really just broken on this whole thing. I was feeling like something must have surely happened for him to be like this, and despite everything going on, I was feeling really bad for him. It just reminded me of what it was like to be broken.

"It will be fine enough. Everything is going to be good. I mean, many people here are having these thoughts as well. I mean, I know for a fact that I have had many areas of uncertainty to be totally honest." I said, and then I was looking right at him, thinking that no matter what we were going to discuss, Travis was going to try and find a way to make me guilty for something that was not even all my fault.

"You would never know what it was like, with all of your siblings, and all of the times that you can just meet up with the, and not be worried about life." After he was saying this to me, I saw him actually kind of pissed at me right now. I was seeing that he was really not in the mood for me to try and talk to him about this when I clearly had no clue.

Despite being fucking pissed with the way that he was acting, and despite feeling like he was not giving me nearly enough credit, I was finding it in myself to maybe slightly concede that he was telling the truth, and that was something that I was willing to own up to. "Well, I hope that you can give me a chance to enlighten me." I said, and I was not going to sound very nice about it, but I did not care at all.

When I was done talking with Travis, I was sincerely wondering what the issue was, and I was wondering what he knew, and if perhaps he was hiding something from me because he was scared that I was not going to actually listen or something like that. But despite what was going on, I just genuinely had no real clue.

But as I was going along with the party and stuff, I was just sort of minding my own business, and I was seeing some of my friends just actually enjoying themselves, such as Dan and his date making out in the corner of the room, and I was laughing when I had seen this. I was then walking around, and saw that Bebe was still in the area, and I was wondering if maybe I just needed to try and connect with her a bit.

"Hey, how are you right now? You look like you got a lot on your mind?" I asked, and then she was looking right back up at me, and I was seeing her looking like she had no idea on what to be telling me. She was almost looking like she was scared of what I was wanting to talk to her about. "Don't worry, I was not meaning anything by it." I said, hoping this would ease her a bit better now.

"Honestly, I just wished that I brought some pizza here or something. You know, I think that if I had done something like this, and I was able to help liven up the mood a bit or something, then I would be able to just really feel like I have a spot here." She said, and then I looked at her, and I was smiling for a bit, and I was thinking that liven up the party was not a huge issue now.

"I think that the guy dancing on top of that table is going to already take care of making this a more lively mood." I said, and I was pointing to the dude who was just trying to do a dance like from lord of the rings on top of a tablehere. As he was about to get down, the table started to crack, and I looked at her to not have to witness this.

"Well, I guess that you might be right. I just thought that when I could be here, that I would have contributed more, and I would have felt like I was setting myself up for a better position." After Bebe told me this, she was shrugging, clearly not thinking anything of it at all, and clearly not even remotely giving a single shit at all. I was just happy to see her looking fine again.

"If you want to go and deal with the pizza, then perhaps we can hop out of here, and grab some, and I think that most people woul never notice that we were gone." I was suggesting, hoping that she was going to take it, and I was hoping that she was going to want to maybe go on a one on one date or something.

"I doubt that anybody is really going to care all that much about it. I guess that I am just being a bit unsure of what to do right now." After she had said that to me, she was sighing, and clearly had no idea what to be discussing right now. In a way, Bebe was just looking happier by being here with all these people.

"I wonder if there is going to be any weed in the area." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and she was looking at me, as if that was the funniest thing in the entire world. I was feeling like she was just needing to tell me more. But I shrugged, deciding against it now.

"Maybe we can go look for some, if you really want to smoke some weed." She said, and I was seeing that the look on her face was just one of too much amusement to be saying anything. But she was clearly looking like she was not wanting to really smoke anything. Was more in it for the story than anything else. And I guess that this is the story of how I met my girlfriend…

-August 25 2020 4:32 pm- I was getting ready to be going on a date with Bebe, and when I was placing on my shoes, and just getting the money ready, I was just feeling like the fucking date with her was going to be the change that I had needed in my life. Gabe was looking right at me, looking amazed that I was actually going through with this.

"I never thought that you were actually going to be going on a date in the near future. I am honestly kind of impressed." After Gabe had said that to me, I was seeing him looking totally out of the loop right now. I was smiling, and started to laugh at him when he had said that. I mean, I did not blame him after all.

"Honestly, I just wanted to do my best to something like this feel earned and natural. I think that when I go out, and when I just get to know her, I will honestly be happy." I said, aware of how fucking vague I sounded really was. But I just wanted to make Bebe know that I was a team player now.

"You know, I just thought that you were going to try and go through with some strange idea of never dating again. But I guess that maybe that isn't true." Gabe said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was wanting to tell him that something like this was not true. But this was just not working.

"It was not a issue of not wanting to date, as much of an issue that I did not want to go through even more heart breaking break ups." I said, and I was remembering the one time that I did get something sort of going with a girl back in junior year of high school. I did not want to fail a different person again.

"Well, I think that your thing with that girl was just doomed from the start, and I think that there is no way that something like this was going to just be handed to you." After Gabe said this, he was looking right at me, and I was just seeing him clearly looking like he was trying to take my side on this issue.

"Well, I mean, that was like three years ago. I guess that you could argue that being still on this whole thing would be fucking embarassing after all. I guess that maybe I just need to start to put these things behind me." After I told him this, Gabe was just shrugging, as if almost like he had no real investment in this anymore.

"When you start senior year in a couple of weeks, I really hope that you don't let simple things like these get too much in your way. I think that you need to just try and find a way to not let a relationship ruin some things that are really not that important." I said, and then Gabe gave me a super confused look.

"Bro, I don't think that I will need to be worrying about that too much. I think most of the school year is going to be on zoom or some shit like that." Gabe said to me, and then he was shrugging, and I was thinking that perhaps he might have been right. I was wondering how much this whole Covid thing was going to be still in our face.

"Yeah, I guess that I did not think of that. I guess that if you do have a chance of going to a physical school, then I believe that you need to just remember that school and relationships are going to be a bit of a impressionable issue to deal with." I said, and then I was feeling like I had no real need to discuss this now.

"Honestly, I am going to just see how things are. I am not going to be making a big deal out of it though. But I hope that my friends are going to make my school year at least slightly more interesting." After Gabe said that, I was thinking that I still needed to get ready for my date with Bebe, and that I was wasting my time here.

"I really think that seeing Bebe is going to be one of the best things that I can do for myself. I mean, I remember the few times that we interacted in school, and she was always a nice person. Extremely selfless, from the couple of times that we interacted." After I told him this, I was then thinking of the fact that I kind of ruined my chances of making her be a good friends of mine later.

"Do you think that a friendship really would have been possible at the time?" After he had asked me this, I looked right at him, and I was then thinking that despite how annoying that it would be for people to tell me that things would not work, I was just thinking that maybe he was telling the truth right now.

"I think that it would be worth it if I had at least tried. I mean, I am not going to be too worried about it right now. But that does not mean that I would not have minded seeing what I could have accomplished." I said, and then I was just getting ready to be heading out. I was really just not in the mood to see how bad things would have been.

"I mean, I know that you probably have a good idea what you are doing right now. So I guess that maybe I am just being too in your face about this for no real good reason." After Gabe said this, he was clearly looking like he did not believe in what he was saying, but was just trying to be sounding natural here.

"I will tell you how the date goes after I come back. I believe that everything is going to be fine. I think that I just need to remember that in all honesty, it is just a date, and that it is not going to be all that big of a deal." I said, and then I was shrugging, thinking that what I was saying was making a whole lot of sense.

"Alright, I will be paying attention, and I will be rather interested in hearing the results." Gabe said, and I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to see what I was going to say now. I was just shrugging, and I was just thinking that perhaps Gabe was wanting to talk longer, but decided that it was not worth it.

"I mean, I think that as long as I am not a total dick, everything will be fine." I said, and then I was thinking that what I had been saying was not even true. But despite what was going on in my mind, I was thinking that Bebe was not going to be angry at me. I was thinking that in all honesty, the worst that would come was slight disappointment.

"If you say so, then I will not be getting in your face about it too much." Gabe said, and then he was looking right at me, and I was seeing him looking totally out of it. He was almost looking like he had lost any interest in this discussion, and that even trying to be talking about this any longer was going to be a bit boring for him.

"Well, I really am going to leave now." I said, and then after I had told him this, I was walking out of the room, and I was going to be seeing what Bebe was going to be like with me. I was wanting to just make sure that the date was going to be perfect. This date was going to have to be perfect if I was even going to forgive myself.

Once I was in the car, I was then thinking that maybe my parents were going to be super proud of me. I was convinced that my parents were wanting to know everything that I was doing, and I was wanting to make sure that she would not be fucking pissed at me. I loved my parents, and I wanted to make them happier.

Eventually, I reached her house, from what she had told me at the end of the party, and I was feeling like I just needed to get myself ready for whatever she was wanting to do. I was feeling like no matter what we were going to do, Bebe was wanting to make things a lot better for us all.

I was feeling maybe Bebe might have forgotten all about this whole thing, and she was going to tell me that we needed to not be doing this. I was feeling like this whole thing was going to be the worst thing ever. But no matter what we were doing, I was thinking that I just needed to give a fucking ten out of ten performance.

Bebe was going to probably have some really high standards for me, and while I was able to respect her a while, and while I knew she was going to be nice to me, I was just telling myself that maybe she must have known what I was actually feeling right now.

Eventually I got out of the car, and then I was walking to her door, and I knocked on it quietly, not wanting to make the others that were living in the house bothered by my hindrance. Eventually, she was answering the door, and she looked right at me happily.

"I didn't forget the promise that I made to you." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and she was just looking truly excited for the date that we were going to have right now. I was then thinking that maybe she was wanting to show me something, and to be honest, knowing what she was going to show me, I was really happy to do this all.

"Well, I was expecting you to not actually come along and do it. I would be more than happy to do this." After she had said that to me, I was then thinking about what we were doing now. I was then walking to my car, as she was walking at my side as well. I was then wondering if Bebe had anything that she needed to tell me.

Once I was inside of the car, and I looked right at her, I was then feeling like I just needed to find something to tell her, and I was then thinking that maybe Bebe was not going to have much to tell me in the first place. "Hey Bebe, do you have any plans that you have for us? I mean, you can tell me anything you like." I said, trying to be patient with this whole thing, and to win her over a bit.

"I mean, I never really thought too much about it. Part of me was wondering if you were really even willing to hang out with me here?" After she had asked me this, I looked right at her, and I was seeing her looking just looking like this whole thing was hard to believe, and I was wondering if she liked me.

"Well, I mean, I was just telling myself a bunch of advice on how I could be getting ready for this whole thing, and I figured that I would want to make sure that I didn't fuck it all up." I said, feeling like maybe being honest was the only way to get at this.

"Todd, you did not need to worry so much about this whole thing. I mean, you were worried about something that is not all that big of a deal." She said, and then I was looking right at her, feeling like nothing that I could tell her would be making her feel any different. I was thinking that she was just not wanting me to put her on a pedestal.

We eventually went on for a while longer, and I was seeing Bebe wanting to speak with me about some other things, and I was just looking right at her, clearly wanting to just talk for a while longer, about some important things.

"Maybe we can go to the local diner." After she had told me this, I was looking at her, and I was actually thinking about if I had actually gone to that diner or not. In all honesty, I had no idea if I had, and that was starting to confuse me.

"Yeah, maybe we can go and check it out." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and she was smiling for a bit, and then I was starting the car up, and I was starting to head out, and I was driving down the street, feeling like maybe if I could talk with her for a while, then everything would have been fine.

"I mean, I don't know if I have ever been to one of those diners before. I mean, I was wanting to figure it out. But I guess not." I was shrugging, and I knew it was not that important. But I was desperate to just have a discussion with her right now.

We drove along for a bit, and Bebe was telling me what she had thought on it. "Honestly, it had a lot of really great options there." After she had told me this, I was looking right at her, and she was thinking about what we were going to be able to do to make it all better for us. Eventually, we were getting near the diner, and I needed to think on what to even discuss now.

We got out of the car, and I was telling myself that I needed her to have a chance. I was smiling, knowing that as long as there was a small chance this date would work out, that I was still going to have a chance to just relax, and be with my new friend. I was feeling like I just needed to still remember to be polite.

We sat down in the second closest booth to the door, and then Bebe was glancing out at me. "Todd, you look like you are thinking deeply about something." After she had told me this, I was looking right at her, and then I was realizing that what I was doing was probably a bit strange to her, and that I needed to knock it off.

"Oh sorry, I just started to realize how fucking not ready I am for this. I am so out of my fucking league that it is crazy." I said, and then she was laughing at me, and I was looking right at her, and I was wishing that this was not the attitude that she was going to be having right now.

"I thought that you might have gone on some dates or something when you were in high school. I could have swore you had something in junior year." She said, and then I was giving a very weak nod at this.

"But that did not go well, at all. And it is something I often times like to try and pretend never happened." I said, and then I was looking at her, as if hoping that she was going to be able to respect my wishes on this. I knew that it might have sounded strange to her, but still.

"I mean, I know that people like to just not be reminded of bad stuff like that. I mean, I never really got it. But I guess that if it makes you feel better…" She said, and then I was nodding, and then I looked right at her, feeling like maybe we could find a way to talk about something else.

"Do you have anything that you like to just forget about?" I asked, feeling as if this as a good way to start a conversation, hoping that she had actually wanted to talk about that, and that I was not just totally misreading her on this. She shook her head, but I could tell she was not done with her response.

"I don't really have anything like that. But I have an older brother that did that often when he lived with me. He often times made it very clear that he did not want things to be brought up, if he was feeling like the subject was going to be something he would not be very proud of." Bebe said, as I gave her a quizzical look.

"You have siblings? I never knew of them." I said, feeling like I could be honest about that, and then I looked at her, and she was shrugging, as if feeling like she had no real interest in discussing them, for some reason or another.

"I think it is because they are both so far apart from me in age. An older brother and a younger brother. Both exactly ten years apart from me." She said, and then I was kind of shocked at the realization that she had a thirty year old and a ten year old brother. And then I was just trying to find a way to keep the talk up longer.

"Yeah, I never had to deal with any issues like that. Given the fact that all of my siblings, when looked at individually, were still somewhat close in age." I said, and then I was thinking about how that was nice at least. That while the difference with Ridge and I was huge, the difference with me and Gabe, and even me and Josiah to some extent, wasn't as bad.

"I don't even know why my parents thought it was so smart to be doing that. You know, I think that they were just wanting to keep up the idea of having somebody they could connect with…" Bebe said, and then I was thinking that maybe that was what my parents were doing as well, when I think of it.

"Perhaps that was what my parents did as well. You know, I think that maybe they had just wanted to connect with us still, and they were desperate for some form of attachment, and therefore was willing to do anything for it. I guess that maybe when I think of it that way, I do kind of feel bad for it." I told her, thinking of what it must be like to not want to separate from the family image.

"I mean, I know that when I am older, and if I have kids, I think that I am capping it at one. I mean, I know that people like to have a big family, but after what I went through, I am done with it. I just want to focus on life." I said, finally feeling like I was being responsible for saying the truth of the matter.

"I guess that I never really thought much of it. I mean, I would understand one or two, but they would need to be somewhat close in age, that way I don't get any surprises, and I can just focus on them both as they grow older." She said, and I felt that was fair.

"I suppose that makes sense. I mean, I guess that I would not want any giant surprises when dealing with a family on my own and stuff. I mean, I just wish that my parents might have thought about that a slight bit." After I told that to her, Bebe was nodding, not sure what my parents were doing.

"And besides, I mean, if I were to do something like that, I want to move out first. Which I have only recently started to look at as a genuinely realistic chance." I said, wishing that I did not need to say that to her, but I was feeling like the honesty might win me some points when talking to her.

"Do you think that moving out is going to be hard, given everything going on lately?" She asked, and I knew that she was talking about Covid, and I was wishing that she was not going to bring that up. But I also knew that her bringing it up was sure to happen someday.

"Yeah, I mean it is possible that I might be able to do it for another year or so, but I might as well save up until then. I just want to be ready for when it happens. You know, actually have a fucking plan here." I said, and then I was shrugging, thinking that if I had a plan, and if I was able to keep going here, then perhaps this whole mess was not going to be as much of a mess as I was making it out to be.

"Todd, do you feel like you want to leave?" She asked, and then I was nodding, feeling like sooner or later, I was needing to do something like this. I needed her to be able to see where I was coming from, and I was going to do whatever it took to make sure that no matter what, I was going to do what was best for everybody.

"You seem like perhaps you have been thinking deeply about this lately. I mean, I guess that with a large family and everything, you have been very focused on just doing what you think is best." She said, and then I was nodding, thinking that maybe she got me better than I was giving her credit for so far.

"Yeah, I think that with everything that was already happening with my family, thinking about this was the only way that things could be done." I said, and then I looked right at her, and I was hoping that no matter what I told her, she would accept my life choices, and not be trying to play too deeply into a narrative.

"Well, just make sure that whatever you do, you feel like it is something that you have been thinking long and deeply about, and that you are truly ready for it all." She said, and then I was nodding, and then I was thinking that maybe we were needing to just go along, and that maybe this was going to be more than just a casual date.

-August 27 2020 5:48 pm- I was finally ready to be placing in my job application to the video store about two miles away from my house. I just wanted to go there mainly because I was wanting to go to a place that was at least somewhat close to this place. I was just tired of staying here, and I was just tired of always being looked like by a weirdo for no reason.

Yes, because a person who is watching his siblings and often times is unable to do things such as look for a job because of how fucking complicated his life is can be so much fucking worse than people who get addicted to drugs or get involved in like some sex ring. I mean, come on.

Anyways, I was still riding high on that date with Bebe a couple of nights ago, and I was starting to honestly feel like maybe I could try and contact her again, and maybe I could see what she was feeling, and maybe if we talked for a while, the two of us could be able to connect for a few minutes, and just see how we were both doing. I was starting to hope that maybe we were going to be in an official relationship soon enough. I wanted her to know that no matter what was going to happen, I was going to do whatever we could to work out.

I parked near where the video store was, and the entire time that I was sitting there, and wondering what to do, I was having doubt in my mind. You know, always telling myself that these things were not meant to work out at all. I was thinking about what was going to happen if I went through with this.

I was just hoping that my parents were going to be able to hold on to the kids for a while when I was actually going to be on the clock, and I was reminding myself that I still did need to set aside about a quarter of my earnings for mom and dad, that way I could be able to still contribute to the house, and make them feel like I was not just going to be out of it or anything like that. I did not want them to be feeling like I never cared.

So with that, I was grabbing my paper application, and I was thinking that if Covid can give me one thing it was the fact that those people in virtually any business were going to just love working with me, and they were going to give me whatever I had wanted and needed. So I was feeling that I might get the job first try.

When I was inside of the store, I was seeing a guy in his later twenties with a bunch of acne sitting down on a chair, with some weed rolled up as cigarette on his ear. He was looking right at me, clearly not looking all that interested in what I was going to say.

"I have a job application to give you." I said, and then as I was handing him the paper, he looked up at me, and I already saw him booking much more interested in what I had said, and almost looked like I had just kicked him in the nuts or something crazy. He coughed, and then started to speak up again.

"How can somebody actually be crazy enough to want to work here? My god, I wished that I had more respect for myself." He said, and then he was looking right at me, and I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say more, but decided against it.

"Well, I was mainly just needing to have some place to work. You know, just to get myself some money and help out my family." I said, feeling like maybe he was already probably not going to be all that interested in this anymore, and was already doing his own thing. I placed the paper down again, and then thought of what to say.

"If you are willing to take me in, just call my number on the paper." I said, and then I was just feeling like I was able to leave it alone, and that I thought that I did not need to say anything else at all. To be honest, the way that this was going, I was wondering if I was just making something out of nothing, or if this guy really did not want me.

"I bet that our boss will be willing to. I mean, nobody ever applies here. If he had any sanity, he would either close the shop or hire anybody who applies." The guy said, and then I was thinking about what we were discussing. I wanted to talk to him, but he was clearly looking like he had already lost interest here.

When I was out of the store, I was instantly starting to convince myself that I needed to find something better to be doing, and that I was just needing to pretend like what he was discussing was not all that strange after all. I mean, I was wondering what his boss was like if he was talking about him that openly.

I was just sighing, and felt like there was a good chance that he was possibly not going to be keeping his job much longer with that talk going on. I was then shrugging, and felt like I could call Bebe up, and see if she was wanting to talk for a bit. Just to see how she was doing.

When I was calling, I waited for a while until the voice mail came, and the recording said "Hey, sorry I can't answer the phone right now. I am most likely on the clock and will get to you as soon as I am on break or off work." The voice mail ended, and when I heard that, I was then wondering if I needed to talk at all.

"How are you tonight? I just applied for that video store near by, and I really hope that I get the position. I can talk to you more about it later if you would like." I said, and then I was shrugging, and hung up the phone, feeling like I had done all that I needed, and that I did not need to keep talking at all. So with that, I was ready to hang out with some friends.

I started to drive towards Dan's house, and I was going to see how he was doing with that girl after the party. I was sort of interested in seeing what he would have to say about her. I mean, it was none of my business, but if he was wanting to do something with his friends, then perhaps he could at least tell me what was going on. And maybe I could offer him some words of encouragement or something vague.

When I was parking the car, I was hearing a notification going off, but I did not pay attention to it, and I was getting out of my car, and I was going to be seeing what my friend was going to try and talk to me about. I knocked on his door, and waited for a few seconds.

Dan eventually answered the door, and was looking right at me. He was clearly looking like he was not really all that worried about anything. I was seeing him looking like he was just sort of wanting to get all of our questions over with. "So how are you today?" He asked, and I was shrugging for a moment.

"I'm doing okay enough. I placed a application with the video store earlier. I went on a date a couple of days ago, and I have been trying to make something work between the two of us." I said, and I was well aware that he was not going to actually believe in what I had been saying. That being said, he was actually sort of interested.

"Oh shit, that's awesome. How was it?" As he asked me this, I was nodding in agreement, knowing that what I was finally getting was really fucking epic, and I was glad to know what he was believing in here. But then I was looking right at her again, hoping to find something that we could discuss here.

"I mean, we just talked about our families and stuff. Not that great of a first date I guess. But to be honest, I guess that something like this is to be expected on a first date with me of all men." I said, laughing at this, and then Dan was looking like the second question he was going to ask was much more important.

"What is her name?" She asked, and then I was looking right at him, wondering if he was actually going to be friends with Bebe, or really have a strong opinion on this whole thing at all. I was sort of wishing that he would leave me alone. I was just wanting her to like me, no matter what it would take.

"Bebe. She was somebody that we went to school with, and she is super happy with me so far. Or at least that's what I believe so far. I just want to make her happier, and I want to make her feel like our date is going to come together." After I told Dan this, he was taking a moment to actually think about who Bebe was, and then he was piecing it together.

"Do you think that you plan on making a long term relationship with her work?" Dan asked, and then I was nodding, feeling like there was no reason to not at least try and make this whole thing come together. I just wished that he was not going to be making fun of me too much here.

"I think that I should try at least. You know, I think she might be a perfect person, and I want to do what it takes to make sure that even if we break up, that at least she goes out with a good impression, and she knows it is not her fault." I was then looking at him, hoping he was fine with this statement.

"Well, good luck on this. You know, I believe that it has been far too long since you have tried to actually get yourself out there. I think that by now, it is time that you do at least try. At least in my opinion." After he had said that to me, I was wondering if this whole thing would work out.

"I would agree with you that it is about time for me to finally do something that I know that I will enjoy. I love hanging out with people, and I want to just make this whole thing work out." I was saying, and I was thinking about how hard this whole thing was going to be, and I was then thinking about what Bebe was like.

With that, I was feeling like I could finally get one step closer to making it all work out, and i was feeling like no matter what my friends thought, I was finally getting what I had needed. I was finally getting what was going to be right for me. And that was all that I could really think would turn things around.

"Todd, what are you going to do if you really feel like you are going to get Bebe to think that you both have a chance to make it all work out? I mean, I want to help you out, and make you know that there is a chance that everything can work. But I think that perhaps we just need to actually make it all work for the best." After Dan said this to me, I was looking at him for a few seconds longer, unsure what I could say to this.

"I am just going to make it very clear that I am going to view her as a fucking equal. I am not going to be doing a damn thing that will make her feel like I am not caring for her at all." I said, and then I was thinking that just treating her as a equal was the only thing that could fucking matter at all.

"I mean, go ahead and do that, but don't be too obvious about it. I think that there can come a point where if you are too obvious about it, she might be seeing through the act." Dan said, and then I was not wanting to be rude to him, and I was thinking that his heart was probably in the right place, but I was not wanting him to say that.

"It is not going to be a act. I mean, for all I know, she might be a better person than I am." I said, and then I was looking right at her, feeling like perhaps if I was more direct like this, then everything would have been fine enough. But at the same time, this whole thing was just hard to truly comprehend.

"Just do whatever you can to make things go along decently enough. I mean, I just wish that I could help you out, but I think that you already got a good grip on this whole thing, and I am going to respect what you are doing here." Dan said, and then I was seeing him just feeling like there was not much that he had to say beyond this.

"Well, I am just glad that I finally decided to try and put the past behind myself. I think that I am kind of over it. I am tired of beating myself up for things that are not even all that big of a deal. I mean, I know deep down that people are just thinking that there is only so much that I can be thinking about something that happened back in the day." I said, and I was thinking that the girl that I used to be with is sort of becoming more and more of a distant memory.

"I mean, it wasn't even all that bad of a break up anyways. I think that some times you got to just put things behind you, and that everything is going to be decent enough. I doubt that this girl even cares what happened back in the day either. I think that honestly after a point even she would be thinking you took it all too far." I did not want Dan to tell me this, but I was feeling like perhaps he was telling the truth.

"I think that I was just feeling like it was all my fault. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. I guess that it does not even fucking matter anymore. I am just going to fucking focus on Bebe, and I will make sure that no matter what mistakes I made back in the day, I am not going to be making those fucking mistakes again." I said, and then after I was done with this, I looked right at him, as if feeling like what I was saying finally was going to put me on a certain level of peace here.

"Well, I think that if for nothing else, no matter everything that I might say, I can respect how much you actually want to help her out, and make her genuinely happy right now. I think that no matter what you do now, I can just look at you, and I can finally say that you are going to get a bit of a grip on this whole issue.

"I guess that maybe if there is one thing that my father did teach me properly, it is how to treat a woman properly, and that is something that I can be able to at least try and work out." I said, and then I was feeling like I could finally just leave this whole thing alone once and for all.

-August 27 2020 10:09 pm- I was in my room that night, and I was just trying to get ready to be relax for the rest of the evening. There was virtually nothing left to do that night, and I was wanting to go online or something when there was somebody walking by. I was confused when I was seeing that it was Lydia out of all of them. I was standing up, wanting to tell her that she needed to go to bed.

"Hey Lydia, what are you doing up so late?" I asked, trying to be sounding patient with her. As I was asking her this, she looked right at me, and I was seeing her looking a bit embarrassed that I was confronting her like this. I was sighing, wishing that she was not feeling so worried about speaking to me like this.

"I was just wanting to see if you actually managed to get the job?" She asked me, and then I was looking right at her, and I was feeling like this was going to be a bit out of nowhere. But I decided that I was going to not be showing her what I was thinking, and that perhaps I was just needing to speak with her for a bit, and be polite as possible.

"I don't know yet. I will know eventually. I am going to just try and focus on making sure the girl that I had been trying to go on dates with actually feel like we are going to have some real connection here." After I told her this, she was looking at me, and I was seeing her looking proud to hear me tell her that I was actually wanting to make Bebe happy.

"Well let me know if you get the job or not. I would love to see more of the movies that the town has for rent." Lydia said, and then I was thinking that the movies were probably going to be a bit boring to her, and I was not wanting to tell her this. But I was just thinking that this was not going to be going super well.

"I will let you know if there are things that you might like." I said, and then I was thinking that we could finally put the conversation to rest, and we were going to just focus on what we were actually doing right now. I was thinking that perhaps Lydia was actually wanting to do something to do to make these discussions a little bit less boring.

"Thanks Todd." After Lydia told me this, I was seeing her walking along to the living room, and I was sort of forgetting about the fact that I needed to tell her to go to bed. In all honesty, I was kind of wanting to just talk with her for a while longer, and I was wishing that maybe things would be all fine enough.

"So Lydia, what type of things would you even want to be watching in the first place?" I asked, feeling like maybe if I was civil enough I could actually get her to just tell me a bit more. I was then thinking that no matter what Lydia was going to tell me, I was just going to have to find a way to get her to go back down.

I wanted to make Lydia happy though, regardless of what was going on. "So Lydia, I know that you like to watch some movies and stuff, but I never knew what your preference really was. Do you like to talk to me on this?" I asked, thinking that as long as I pretended to be able to get her to talk, then sooner or later she would be willing to go down.

"Oh not that many types. I am sure that maybe if you look for me, everything will be fine enough." After she had told me this, I was then sighing, feeling like I just needed to find something to say to make this discussion actually seem like it was going to be helping me out right now.

-August 29 2020 4:19 pm- I was getting a call on my phone, and while I was slightly annoyed at this prospect, I was opening it up, and the number looked slightly familiar, so when I answered it, I was realizing that it was the number of that video store finally reaching out to me. "Hey are you Todd?" The voice asked, and I confirmed.

"Is there something that you needed?" I asked, feeling like there was a good chance that he was not going to be accepting me, and that I was just needing to accept it right now, and then that way we would be able to move on, and I would start to look at finding other places that I could look for.

"We were looking over your application, and we were wondering if you were willing to take a training course next Wednesday the second? And you can start on Monday the seventh?" After the guy was asking this, I was thinking about it, and I was thinking about how I can get still about one more week or happiness and innocence.

"Yeah, I can do that. Thank you for being able to give me a chance." I said, feeling like saying this was going to be the best way to flatter him, and make him feel like I was going the right thing right now. I was feeling like this whole thing was going to be a rough job, but it was going to need to be done for my own family.

"Thank you for your interest in working at our store. We hope that we will be able to work together for the long term." The voice said, and then I was sighing, feeling like that statement was not going to really work out. I was not wanting to be a bitch to him though, so I was remaining silent, and felt like I just needed to keep my preference silent.

"See you on Wednesday." I said, and then with that, we both hung up, and I was sighing, feeling like this was going to be the best thing that we could do right now. I was just hoping that this whole thing was going to actually work. I was scared of what people were going to do when they found out that I did get the job.

I was laying down on my bed, and I was feeling like maybe one final hang out with my friends, or with Bebe would be fine for my self before I go out and do something like this. I just wanted to have some fucking free time before my life was effectively given to these people. I know how dramatic this sounds, but at the moment it seemed like a relatively valid thing to be feeling.

I was telling myself that my friends were needing to just help me out when they could, if they knew what I was personally feeling right now. If they knew what I was going to do, then I knew that while they would be proud, many of them would question why I went for a video store.

I was getting up, and I was telling myself that I was just needing to go on and see her again soon enough. I was feeling like no matter what was happening, Bebe was just going to be happy to see me, and I was genuinely convinced that she was going to be the one most happy to be seeing me working hard.

I was getting my shoes on, and I saw that Josiah was in the middle of his room, and he was doing some stuff like writing music score, and I was laughing at the fact that this was the one thing that he was always doing. I mean, no matter what is going on, I always see him busting out something in there,and to be honest, I am actually kind of impressed that he was able to just focus on what he was feeling like would have been his life calling.

I was getting in my car, and I was driving down for a while, and when I was getting close to where she had lived, this was when something really strange happened. Somebody was coming up to my car, and when I was looking at the rear view mirror a bit, I was initially wanting to get the fuck away. But then I saw it was actually Travis.

I was shocked more than anything else that he really was going to be going through with talking to me all the time right now. I was feeling like he really was wanting to go through with this whole thing. I had to try and just figure out what was even going to happen.

He was knocking on my door when he could, and despite the randomness of the whole thing, and how strange I was finding it that he was wanting to do this now of all times, I was feeling like it was going to be a big mistake for me to not try and just see what he was planning. I opened the door, and he was getting inside.

"Hey, do you remember our conversation a few days ago?" After he asked this, I was tempted to lie, and tell him off. But I was feeling like something like this was going to be getting us nowhere, and that I was just needing to let him have his moment. After I nodded, he was sighing, and decided to just tell me what was in his mind.

"I'm more shocked that you could, considering the fact that you were drunk as a kite the whole time." I said, and then I looked right at him, willing to see if he was going to challenge me on that claim. He was sighing, aware that I was correct on this, and he was clearly not wanting me to rub it in or anything like that.

"Okay, okay, you don't need to make fun of me too much over it right now." He said, and then he was looking right at me, and I was seeing that this was not the way that he was wishing that we could be going through with this. I sighed, feeling like I needed to be more respectful.

"What are you wanting to talk about?" I asked, wishing to hear his answer, and I was hoping that regardless of what he was going to tell me, that this was something that I would have actually been ready for. I was not going to be in the mood for him to suddenly tell me that he had made some mistake or something.

"I was wanting to talk to you about the fact that you were telling me that you cared for the things going on down here, and that you wanted to know what the truth of the town was. I was wondering if you were actually telling me the truth." After he had asked me this, I was looking right at him, and I saw that there was no way around it at all.

"Yes, I am wanting to know more, and I am very curious to see what is happening here. But I am not going to get myself killed over such a thing. I am scared of what it would be like if I do anything too crazy." I said, finally feeling like if I was honest with him, he might be able to respect that a small amount. Maybe he could try and find some bullshit comforter.

"Honestly, no matter how many times I try and pretend like what I am doing is natural to just pretend like things are fine, I feel like I am making a big fucking mistake by not looking. I feel like I am doing something terribly wrong." He told me, and then I was sighing, feeling like this was not the time to be having this debate. I was just telling myself to just focus on the current discussion right now.

"I mean, I do care about what is going on. But I guess that you are right. The fact that I do know that I have a family, with brothers, and a sister, is something that is always keeping me from going all in. I mean, deep down I know that I should be looking hard at this, but that is going to be really hard for me to do, and I might as well just be honest about it." I said, and looked right at him, hoping that he could appreciate my honesty at least.

"But when you see everything that is going on here, are you seriously going to just brush it off, and pretend like nothing is going on? Are you seriously going to act like there is nothing you need to concern yourself with?" After he asked me this, I was sighing, and despite how much I was wishing to not admit it, I was feeling like he might have been right.

"I get why you are wanting to know more so damn badly. I do too. But please actually look at it my way. You know that I have ten younger siblings. I need to make sure that they stay safe, and I need to make sure that the younger ones do not get in danger, and that they are going to have a proper chance to be having a good life here. And if that means I have no choice but to ignore things that are a big deal to me, then I guess that this is it." I said, and even I was aware of how fucking shallow I was sounding really was.

"Todd, I know that you want to keep your family safe, and I do respect that. But think of it in my way for once. Think about what it would be like if your family isn't safe because there is really much more to this than you could ever expect? You know, maybe something will happen to your siblings, and there was something you could have done, but failed to do so with." He said, and then I was pissed at him trying to throw me under the bus, because I knew he was right.

"I guess that something like this is indeed possible. I am not going to pretend like it is not. I will be real when I say that. I will be real when I say that things could always happen to those that I care most about. I am not going to act like nothing is happening." I said, and then I looked at the man, wondering if this was going to satisfy him a bit.

"I think that if you want to truly make a real fight, then perhaps we are going to have to look at everything going on here. But I guess that maybe you probably understand that a bit." After Travis was saying this to me, I was looking right at him, feeling like I needed to keep my calm.

"I am going to just have to focus on what can make things good with my family. I mean, if you have something to show me, and if you want me to look for some clues with you in some spare time here and there, I guess that I can do this though." I said, and then I looked right at him, feeling like I was going to slowly appeal to him by wording it this way.

"I will do just that this time. I have some places that you might be interested in, if you are willing to check it out right now." After he had said that to me, I was looking right at him, feeling like he was needing to have a good place to show me, and that he better not be bullshitting me right now. Or else I was going to be livid.

"Alright, if you really think that there are some things that I need to give a chance to, I will do just that. But I really feel like these places have to be a good starting point, or else I will have to just start to go my own way. You know, just to get back to my own thing." After I told him this, I was feeling like I was making my point enough to Travis, and he was finding a loose piece of paper that he was already writing on.

I will give him credit for one thing though, and that he was not afraid of what people were going to be saying to him. He was not afraid of voicing what he was feeling like needed to be done. And the thing was that I agreed with him one thousand percent, but I was just needing to remember my family, my friends, Bebe, and my own future.

I don't give a shit how selfish it is, I need to focus on making sure that the people in my life are safe. If they are not, and I go crazy with this, and they get hurt, it is all my fault. These people needed to be taken care of by me, and I needed to focus on that, in order to have any chance. And I was hoping that people would get that. And that honestly, if Travis was like this, he had nobody in his life to help him here.

"Alright, if you feel like this is the best way to go at it all, for your sake and your family, I will not stop you. But at least give these places a look. If you give them a look, and you come to think that they are still not worthy of making a big deal out of them, I will give up and concede defeat. But until then, please just try." After Travis told me this, I was sighing, and I was feeling like maybe this was for the best.

"Okay, give me one week to give all of these things a go. Send me your number, and I will text you all of my opinions as they go." I said, and then I was sighing, feeling like no matter what was going to happen, this was going to be fucking annoying, and I was not going to want to be doing this. But I was feeling like maybe he really was telling the truth here.

I was unable to even comprehend the fact that I was setting myself up for something like this, and that I was actually pretending like this was something that I felt like could even be remotely worth looking at and stuff. But for fucks sake, I was thinking that if any of this could suddenly make sense now, it was worth a go.

I was then seeing Travis looking like he was looking slightly better about this all, and that he was almost looking proud to have seeked me out, and proud to know that I was not going to be bullshitting with him anymore. I guess that maybe he was tired of the lies, and tired of the uncertainty that were plaguing him now.

So with this, I was telling myself to just focus on making things right, and no longer making him feel like I was not going to care for what was happening. "Thank you for listening to me, and thank you for actually taking me seriously when the whole thing fucking counted." After he had said that to me, I was just seeing Travis looked like the weight of the world was gone.

With this, Travis was getting out of the car, and I was looking at every place on the list, and when I was looking at it, I would be lying through my fucking teeth if I said that I did not at least consider stopping what I was doing and looking at these places. I was feeling like maybe there was a level of truth here, and that I just needed to check it out.

I was then thinking that Bebe would have some things to say on this whole thing, and she would be having quite an opinion here, for lack of better term. I was thinking that perhaps that I should talk with her first, and just get to know her for a moment longer, and then I would give this a chance when it was all done.

As I was walking to the door, I was wondering what in the fucking hell I was even doing right now, and why I was trying to pretend like everything was all fine and dandy. They were not, and I was never even going to be able to get away with pretending like such a thing was the truth. I had so many things to deal with right now.

When I knocked at her door, I was sighing for a moment, and she was showing up, looking both excited and concerned for me. I was seeing that from the look on her face, she clearly saw that entire thing, and was wondering what the issue was right now. "Todd, what the fucking hell was that just now?"

"I was dealing with somebody at the party from a couple of days ago, wanting to talk to me about some things going on right now." I said, and I was looking right at her, and I was hoping that this answer would suffice enough. As she was looking at me, I saw her looking like her mind was running at a million miles per hour.

"What would Travis even want to do with you anyways?" She asked, and then I was shrugging at this, thinking that the question was a valid one, but I had no idea what the heck we were even going to be doing talking about it right now. "I mean, he seems like a guy who always has different motives here."

"Yeah, but maybe those motives are good right now." I admitted, feeling like the idea of saying that Travis was correct, and we were all wrong was something that I just felt like needed to be said. I was just hoping that my assumptions were not wrong about this man.

"I am not going to get into the whole thing. I know that if he wants to talk with you, and not me, then it truly is none of my business. But I was just curious was all." She said, and then I was nodding, feeling like what she was saying was making perfect fucking sense. But that all being said, I was feeling so fucking lost right now.

"Yeah, I mean, even I don't know what his main goal at the end of the day is. All that I do know is that I want to be happier than I ever have been before." I said, and then I was looking right at Bebe, and I was feeling like I needed this challenge. I was needing for her to be happier, and I was going to just focus on what I could to make it all work out.

"Well, just make sure that if you are going to do something, that you make sure you actually want to do it. Don't feel forced to do something because everybody is telling you to. I think that something like this is the worst way to really go at it." After she had said that to me, I was nodding, thinking that she was right on this, as usual, and that I needed for her to always be the voice of reason here.

"Thank you for talking to me at least. I am going to just do everything that I can to make sure that nothing I do is something that I do not feel comfortable with." I said, and then I was thinking that saying that was going to be a terrible lie, and I was thinking that every time that I was lying to her, I was needing to go back on what I was doing, for her own sake. But I guess that maybe I was just getting deep in it all.

"You're welcome. If you want to talk about something, let me know, and we can see what to do right now." After Bebe told me this, I was glad to know she was at my side, but also glad to know that no matter what, we were focused on the things I wanted to talk on now.

-August 30 2020 11:04 pm- When it was very late at night, and I was feeling like everything was starting to calm down a little bit, I was seeing that Seth was sitting down, and he was looking like he was working on his usual comedy routine. While I had nothing in theory against him working his mind out in creative exercises, I was feeling like what he was doing was never going to get anywhere.

I mean, I knew that this was none of my business, and that I needed to just let him do his own thing, but part of me was well aware that he had deserved better, and that he was not even giving himself a chance to try and see that for what it was. But I decided to remain silent on it.

That all being said, I sure as hell was going to try and see how he was feeling. I was going to see if he was really going to need something, or if he was going to be fine on his own. "Hey Seth, how are things with you and your skits?" I asked, feeling like as long as I at least pretended to be feeling like this was the way he was needing to do things, then perhaps he would talk with me.

"They're alright honestly. Just focused on making sure that the jokes land and stuff. I am certain that you get it. But I am not going to bore you out of your mind with the details. I mean, if I listened to somebody else tell me about them, then I personally would be going crazy." Seth said, laughing a little bit at what he said.

"Well, don't do anything too exciting. I mean, I know that you probably have a lot of ideas in your head. Just don't do anything that might get people to make fun of you at school." I said, and this time, I was trying to sound helpful. But there was no way he was going to be listening to me, considering how I was coming off.

"I mean, everybody does silly stuff all the time, I doubt that what I would be doing would be any worse than anything you and your friends are doing." After Seth said that, I actually had to think about it for a solid second. I mean, in a way, I guess that maybe he was not all that wrong. Even if I hated to fucking admit it out loud.

"I mean, maybe that is true. But maybe that is also why I am worried about what would happen if you fall down that rabbit hole." I said, hoping this counter attack was going to get him to be thinking for a moment, and it was going to be getting him to actually think that what I was doing was making total fucking sense.

"See, I know that I can find a way to break your poker face." Seth said, and then I was sighing, feeling like the way he was saying this was going to be the worst way to be going at this, and i was just telling myself to be focused on the point that I was wanting to make right now, which was to give him a chance to turn back now.

"Todd, you are taking this stuff way too seriously. No wonder why you never got a girlfriend until recently." Seth said, which shocked me. Not because of the comment itself. Seth was capable for those type of come backs when he was in the mood, but the fact that he already knew that stuff, and I never told him.

"Why the fuck are people talking about my dating life behind my back?" I asked, and I was genuinely mad at this idea, and I was really wanting to know who the one doing this was. I was feeling like maybe I needed to relax. But at the moment, I could not.

"I wasn't meaning anything about it. I just heard from Gabe that you were going on a date, and Josiah mentioned how you haven't dated in a while." Seth said, holding up his hands, trying to get me to relax, and he was clearly looking like he was not wanting to make a big deal out of it. As I was seeing him like this, and I was seeing him clearly worried about this, I was sighing, and I had felt like maybe I was needing to be having a small amount of pity for him.

"Sorry, I know that if what you are saying is true, it was not your fault. I just always get up and arms when I hear people talking about me, and I have nothing to say about it." I said, sighing, feeling like I needed to give him some fucking patience, and that I was just needing to remember that he was dong his own thing, and that he was just always the one for the ride.

"Well, I do think that maybe if it really is going to be a big problem, maybe you can talk to Gabe and Josiah about it. I am sure that if you explain that you are not into them talking like that, surely they will both understand." Seth was saying, and I was feeling like he was a nice and innocent kid if he was feeling like something like this was the truth.

"Yeah, I guess that I can always do that. I mean, I do not want to be totally a dick about it." I said, and then I was looking right at him, hoping beyond god that he was not going to be feeling like this was the way that I had been. If he had felt like that, then I was feeling like I just needed to not be doing things a certain way anymore.

"Hey Todd, is it true though? Since we are talking about it, are you actually dating somebody?" After Seth asked me this, I saw him looking like he was pleading for me to tell him the truth. After a moment of thought, I was sighing, and I was nodding, feeling like maybe this was going to get people to talk about it less, if I just confirmed it.

"Cool. I mean, I was wondering when something like this was going to happen. But I knew that none of this was my business, so I decided to be saying nothing about it." After Seth had said that to me, I was seeing him shrugging, clearly looking like he was already mostly losing interest in this for the time being.

"Well, I just wanted to make sure that I was ready for it. I think that when I see Bebe, and we hang out, I am ready for her, and I am ready to just see what the two of us can be able to do." I said, and then I was shrugging, feeling like maybe the longer that I was saying something like this, everything was going to be fine enough.

"Honestly, I just feel like I am happy with her, and I feel like when I think of a good relationship, that is the thing that I feel like is a good fucking sign. When you are happy with what you have," I said, looking right at him, and I was hoping that he was going to be finding what I was saying to be cheesy and stupid and lame. But I just wanted to be honest.

"Well, I hope that if you are really feeling this way, then she does treat you with the respect that you want, and the respect you feel you deserve." Seth said, and then the way that he was saying was showing that he was just trying to pretend like he knew what he was talking about, and while he did not, he was just trying to find a way to get out of this peacefully.

"I will do whatever it takes to make sure that either it works, or if it fails, then I will just break it off with her, and that I can move on. But I feel like she deserves a fucking chance. And thank you for showing some interest in the subject." I said, feeling like maybe saying that was going to win him over a bit more, and that by saying something like this, I could get him to think that maybe I was not a asshole, or whatever he might be thinking. Which I knew was just being a bit worried, but still. I wanted to just be careful.

"Todd, don't get all sappy with me right now." Seth said, and then I was looking right down at him, and I was feeling like that comment just kind of ruined it. I was feeling like maybe the two of us were going to be onto something. But I guess it was not that big of a deal in all honesty.

-August 31 2020 1:19 pm- I was getting ready to just go out with one of my friends again, or to see Bebe, or just to do something else out of my time. I was putting on my shoes, and had some nicer clothes on, and as I was heading out, I saw Ridge in his crip for the first time in nearly ten days.

I stared for a few second, and the entire time that I was looking, part of me was just shocked that it had been ten days since he was born already. I was shocked to be thinking that he had already been around for nearly two weeks, and I just nearly really even paid much thought to it at all. I mean, I saw him around here and there, but I never really thought on it too much. In all honesty, I just felt like being that way was kind of wrong.

I was sighing, and I was walking out of the house, finally feeling like I was needing to just try and reach out to the kid at some point. Sure he was still literally nothing more than a sleeping baby right now, but in a few months he will start talking, walking, and doing his own things. When you are that age, literally every single day is a big deal, and I was not there for much of it.

I was tired of feeling like I was failing my family though, since that feeling was just a bit much, and I was feeling kind of tired of hating myself for just not knowing every thing that my family has been doing. Eventually, I was telling myself to fucking relax a bit, and not be making a huge deal out of much here.

When I was out of the house, I was walking towards the park that was nearby, and in a moment, my mind had started to turn towards something else entirely. Something that I hated to even fucking suggest in my mind. Getting to know the truth of what Travis was suggesting to me. I needed to know what Travis was wanting to talk to me about.

I had a terrible feeling that if Travis knew what was happening here, and if he was serious here, and if he was really wanting to help me out, and help me save my fucking family, I needed to give him a chance, and I needed to listen to the insane stories that he was telling me right now.

I was looking for the first bench I could find, and then I sat down on it, and then I was feeling a bit longer, telling myself that this was something that better fucking be worth it. I was not going to be happy if he was showing me something that had literally no fucking connection with anything at all.

When I sat down, I was looking at all of the places that Travis had wrote down on the notes, and then I was looking at all of the places that I had felt like I might be a bit more comfortable with looking at. The longer that I was looking at all of these notes, the less certain that I was going to be when going forward at any of this.

I was seeing that one of the places was that fucking tree house. When I first saw that, I was not too shocked and I was thinking that perhaps I could go there soon enough, when I was feeling like I had gotten the point. But for the time being, I was seeing there was a place that was in the middle of town that I never thought would have been related to anything.

Despite the things going on in my mind, I was feeling like perhaps I could just see why Travis was thinking that this was a place that we needed to look. I was sighing, and told myself not to be fucking annoyed at him at all, and that maybe I could go to this area. The main reason I was confused was that it was abandoned. Like I had not seen anybody come in years to that area, in or out at all.

I was shaking my head, and I was convinced that if I went there, then everything was going to be a waste of time. But I was also having a million things running in my mind, and I was telling myself that I just needed to fucking take the risk. Maybe if I was alone, and Bebe did not see what I was fucking doing, or anybody else, then I would have gotten away with it all together.

So as I was telling myself this, I was getting up, and I was going to give this one place a look, and if there was something there, I would tell Travis what I thought, and see if he was satisfied with this answer. If he was having something he wanted to say and debate, we would try and talk about it later.

I was feeling like if my friends were aware that I was doing this, they were going to be finding it strange, and they were going to tell me not to waste my time with this. I did not disagree with them, and I was thinking that they were right. But at that moment, my friends were just probably actually enjoying themselves, and not getting involved with these insane ideas.

I started to walk there, and the only thing that I was telling myself over and over again was my desire that this man was telling the truth. I was hoping that with all of this time, and this obsession of his, that he would have at least figured out some form of a starting plan with this right now. But I was telling myself not to get too comfortable.

I was thinking that perhaps if for nothing else, if I could just go there, and if I really did feel like Travis was wasting my time, or that he was picking up dead ends, I would just tell him, and I would be honest with what was going on. I wanted him to feel like he could talk. But I needed him to be clear that I was not playing.

When I was getting closer to being there, I was also telling myself that perhaps I was just not being fair enough for him. Maybe he really was thinking that everything that he had found was making total sense, and that in his mind, he really felt like he was like a prophet on this whole thing. It would have been a lie, but maybe in his mind, it was not one.

But when I was getting close to the area, I was shocked at what I was seeing. I was seeing a place with a construction working truck across the street, and two guys talking with each other, and I was wondering if perhaps this group of people were going to try and break it down, and that maybe they had known what Travis and I discussed. It was then and there that I thought that maybe he was onto something after all.

-September 1 2020 1:34 am- I was about to go to bed that night, and really was feeling like clocking out was the best thig that I could do when I was getting a last second text, and I had felt like that I needed to just answer this one, for both our sakes. When I saw it, I was not shocked to see that it was from Travis.

"Did you hear what happened today?" Travis asked, and then I was feeling like he was talking about the one building that he suggested that I go check out, that I never went and actually looked at. But I refused to bring that up, wanting him to feel like I actually was a team player.

"Yeah, I was seeing a few people working construction near the area." I said, feeling like that was going to be good enough for him. Maybe that enough would make him feel like I went there, and that I knew what I was discussing. There was a moment of silence a bit longer.

"There was a bit more to it than that, I think." Travis said, and I was clearly able to tell that he was not wanting to say anything, in case that I was not really ready for this. I knew what he was wanting to do, and that he was just wanting me to fucking say shit. So I sighed, and decided that I would hear him out.

"What happened? Are you willing to fucking talk with me? I mean, if we want to work together, you need to just fucking be honest." I was borderline willing to snap at this man, but I was feeling like as much as I hated to admit that Travis was the only one who knew the answers to the shit going on right now, and that I needed to just pretend like there was nothing going on right now that was even remotely pissing me off right now at all.

"I was getting to that Todd, please give me some fucking time to gather my words." Travis said, showing some emotion for the first time in the few days that I knew the man, and I was feeling like he was not going to be playing by my way anymore, and then I was feeling like maybe I was just needing to respect that a bit more.

"There was an explosion from that area, according to what I heard." After Travis said this, I was suddenly stopping, and everything that I was thinking and feeling earlier was suddenly becoming halted, and I was wanting to then know his every word.

"I think that I heard a really loud noise earlier tonight, but I never made the connection." I admitted, and I was feeling kind of stupid to not realize that it was a fucking explosion. I was sighing, and had felt like maybe I was needing to actually hear him out after all.

"Okay, so I guess that maybe I was underselling this whole thing after all." I said, not even wanting to admit it, and not even wanting to think about what Travis was going to do with the power of that statement. But at the same time, I was feeling like honesty was the only way that both of us were going to progress.

"Now are you starting to really fucking get it?" After Travis asked me this, I was sighing, and I was not at all wanting to say something, in fear of what he would do, but I was thinking that maybe he was putting me to a corner.

"Maybe I fucking am." I said, and then I was feeling like the honesty of that was going to be the best thing that I could fucking do, and that I just needed to fucking find a way to get along with him, before he was going to tell me that I was suddenly wrong for how I was earlier.

"Well, I think that maybe if you want to help out now, I think that now is the time that we start to do things to really fucking get it into high gear. No more excuses. I think that we need to really just see if there is something that is being hidden or not." After Travis told me this, I was then thinking that maybe we were going to need to be logical here. But I think that he was really refusing to think this out.

"Okay, so maybe you are right." I said, finally feeling like being honest was the best way that the two of us were going to fucking live through this whole thing. "Travis, if you really feel like you got any ideas on what to do, please tell me on what you are feeling." I said, and then I was thinking that while supporting his beliefs, and wanting to fucking roam around like a fucking dumb ass was the last thing that sounded appealing to me, I was just needing to be honest.

"Well, I think that if you want to show me that you are not messing around with me anymore, that you need to check out all those places I suggested. You know that if you look there, maybe we might be able to find some clues." He said to me, and then I was sighing, feeling like this was literally the last thing that I wanted to do. But I needed to be a team player, no matter what.

"Fine, I will do just that, and I will fucking see what I might find there." I said, and then the prospect of ever going beyond just that was scary to me, and something that I was not even wanting to strongly consider. But I was feeling like this was the only way that the two of us were ever going to form any form of a working relation here.

"I would also highly suggest not letting a single fucking person know what you are doing. If you let anybody know what you are doing, they will surely try and find a way to get involved, and pretend like they are making a fucking difference." After Travis told me this, I was actually thinking on that for a moment, and I was conceding that one deep down.

"Yeah, I think that must agree with you on that one." I texted back, thinking of the prospect of literally any of my siblings coming along, and finding out what I was doing. If they had come along, and found out what was happening, then everything would have been terrible, and everything would have been ruined. I was thinking that such a thing was just not allowed to happen at all.

"I mean, no matter what all that I have said, I do not want to have your family get involved with this. I would rather have you flat out not get involved at all in this than get involved, and end up hurting or killing your siblings. I would never forgive myself." Travis said, and then I sighed in relief that entire time.

Hearing that was the best possible thing he would have said to me, and the only thing that was making me feel like I could respect where he was heading with this. I was glad that no matter what was going on in this world, and this town, that he was always going to put my family above literally anything else.

I was sighing, and then I was feeling like no matter what was happening, and no matter what I was wanting to do, I was feeling like there was no way in fucking hell that I was ever going to to be in a good spot here, and that Travis was going to be up to something, if I was not careful enough. I mean, I was wanting to help out Travis, and I was wanting to have him feel like he was going to have a chance to be able to reach out to me, but it was going to be hard.

Travis and I needed to be working together hard if we were actually going to make some plans and progress right now. Travis was having things that he was aware of, and his plans were going to be dangerous, but they were going to be all that I had right now, and I was always needing to remember this.

When I was getting ready to go back to sleep again, this was when Gabe was speaking to me, and then I was looking across the bed, and I was looking right at Gabe, wondering what his plans were right now, and I was wondering if he was needing to actually talk with me. In all honesty, I was wanting Gabe the fucking hell out of this discussion, for his own sake. "How are you right now?" I asked, feeling like I could talk for a bit here.

"I just saw that you looked like you were in a really serious mood right now, and I was wondering if there was something going on that you were needing to discuss." He said, and I will not fucking lie, I did consider for about ten seconds or so, and I was feeling like maybe I could rely on him for a while, and see what he was saying.

But then I was feeling like if something happened to him, then I was never forgiving myself, and I was never going to be feeling like what I had been doing was worth it all. So with this, I was shrugging, and pretended like none of this was even all that big of a deal. "Trust me, Gabe, everything is going to be fine. I will survive." I said, and then he was looking like he did not believe a fucking word of what I was telling him. Not that I could fucking blame him.

"I feel like you are really in that mindset that when there is something serious going on, you just hate the idea of talking to other people, because you feel that you need to be the one who takes care of things." He said, and then I was letting out a dramatic sigh, not in the mood for this right now.

"I just have no real mindset to talk about this stuff right now. I am just trying to fucking figure out what I want to do, and I feel fucking confused. I will figure it all out soon enough. I just need to actually have a plan right now." I said, and then I was shrugging, feeling like this would satisfy him for now.

"I mean, I just want to make sure that whatever I am doing, that it is something that is done after great consideration and time put into figuring it out." I said, finally feeling like this type of comment would suffice, and make Gabe feel like he was sort of able to get it. I was not really having a hard time against talking with him, but I was not wanting to talk about this.

"Todd, how much do you feel like you will be able to have a grasp on what is happening around you?" Gabe asked, and I was feeling like he was just trying to talk with me, and just trying to get to know how I was feeling. I was tired of this discussuion. But I was not wanting to say such, to not anger him or anything. I was tired of everybody acting like I was just being a fucking idiot.

"Well, I am just going to do what I feel like will help out you guys. I mean, I got hired recently at the video store, and I am just focusing on making sure that I do not let that get thrown out of line. I just want to make sure that no matter what happens, I can stay there and get some money for you guys." I said, just thinking od how money was the one thing this family did not have enough of at all.

"You do not need to be worried about doing all of that. I am sure that even mom and dad would not want that to be something you are fearing right now." Gabe told me, and then I looked right at him, trying to act like what he was telling me was true. I knew deep down that this was not. But I was wanting to give him a level of doubt.

"I feel like worrying about that is going to be the only thing that I can really do. I mean, I have been seeing how this house has had a terrible time keeping up with the demands that we are all having. I mean, I feel like mom and dad did a decent job given what they had. But in the grand scheme of things, I feel like I could do so much more." I said, feeling like what I had said was a fair enough way of looking at it.

"Well, just whatever you do, remember that things are always going to be good with all of us together." Gabe said, and the way he was saying this was making it seem like he was genuinely wanting to make sure that I had a chance of actually having a smaller chance of being happier here. I was thinking that deep down, I could appreciate that.

"I will try my best, I guess." I said, and I was meaning it when I had said that. I was not sure that I could convince myself. But I was feeling like I could pretend like I was happy. I was pissed at the way that my family was like with me being a good and caring brother. I was just then telling myself that Gabe was actually feeling like there really was nothing important going on. If he was feeling that way, then I was really going to have a rough time speaking with him now.

"Anyways, I hope that you enjoy working at the place that you got hired at. I just think that you better not be too worried about what we are feeling. I mean, it will only be a few months before you and I are going to be heading out of the house, and when we leave, there will only be nine people here instead, I guess." Gabe said, and I was thinking that the longer he was talking, the more even he was understanding how insane the whole thing was, and I was glad to see him actually putting it in perspective.

"I mean, I don't know about enjoying or not enjoying. But I guess that maybe working there will be good. I mean, you are right about there only being nine people left when we go. But nine people is still a huge amount. Especially when most of them are not even more than just a couple of years apart in age." I felt like that last part was rather important, bringing up how hard it was going to be for the family to eventually not have a lot of worrying about.

"Yeah, I guess there is that as well. But I think we need to remember that we can't fucking do everything here. I mean, I think even you understand that there is only so much that we can do about this, right?" Gabe asked, and then I was feeling like no matter what I was going to say, and no matter what I was wanting to say, he was never going to see my perspective.

"Yeah, you are right, in that we can't really change much of it. I think that in all honesty, that is the thing that makes me fucking crazy. The fact that even if I give forty to sixty bucks a week, that is nothing in the grand scheme of things. I mean, I think that the reality of that is always going to be brutal. Knowing that I am having no way of really making a fucking difference." I said, and then I was sighing, not wanting to talk about it anymore.

"Well, I think that in all honesty, as brutal as it may sound, maybe mom and dad should have thought about this earlier. I think that there is only so much that we can really say or do before it really all comes down to that. You know, the fact that in all honesty, there is no real point in beating ourselves up for something we had no power over." Gabe was sighing, and then he was looking at the ceiling at the end of this.

"Well, good night. I hope that you do not do anything too exciting." After he said this to me, I was then thinking that eventful was going to be the better word for what Travis was going to have me do. I was thinking that eventful was going to be the only way that I was going to come close to describing what was happening here.

"Yeah, you too. I think that I will be mostly fine." I said, and I was thinking more and more about what I was saying here, and I was thinking about the fact that if I even dared to say anything else, then I was only going to be making things much worse for all of us. But I was choosing not to bring this up, for his own sake.

I was then thinking about what it was going to be like to work with Travis. I was feeling like working with him was going to be the only way that things were going to be accomplished at all. I was thinking that Travis better has some fucking good ideas here, and that if he did not, then I was going to just be on the verge of ending this partnership. I was thinking that he better be told of this before he got too complacent.

I was then looking at the phone one final time before I was about to head to sleep, and the entire time that I was staring at the phone, I was wondering if Travis was going to be an actual ally, or if he was going to be somebody that was going to be a enemy. I was thinking that no matter what, I was needing to be careful with him.

Travis was going to have a long way to go if he was feeling like we were going to be fully working together. I was thinking that soon enough, we were going to have a good discussion about both of our values, and we were going to both have a understanding. I was thinking that surely, if the two of us talked longer, the better both of us were going to be.

I was thinking that despite everything that Travis and I had just said to each other, that if we worked together, and if we were actually going to make a difference, I was certain that the two of us were going to finally come to a final understanding. I was thinking that there was no way that he did not have a clear idea on what was meant to actually be done. So with this, I was sighing, and I was getting ready to face him.

But even beyond him, there was still all my other siblings, and there was still all my friends, and there was now Bebe in the equation. I was thinking that while I was needing to protect them, and be happier for them, that I was going to have to at least consider what things would be like if they knew what I was doing. Maybe we could work together in such an event. And as much as I hated to admit it, I could talk with dad…

-September 7 2020 12:19 pm- I went ahead and read a couple of the entries that Gabe has written down after I told him about this notebook, and the fact that I was slowly wanting to turn it into a family experiment. And oh my god, either he has lost his mind, or he really had found something that is beyond any form of reasonable description, and either way that does worry me.

I was just trying my best to pretend like none of this was a real issue, but now I am wondering if he really is going to be doing something that he might regret, with looking at those files and trying to talk to that fucking facility. I think that the very idea with trying to speak to those people was a terrible idea.

Eventually, I was thinking about what it would be like if I could get Josiah to hear about what I was doing, and if he might have a fucking opinion on this whole thing. I was feeling like I had no real desire to be bringing him into any of this, and I was feeling like he deserved so much fucking better. But at the time, I was feeling like it might have been the only way.

I guess that this does give me one fucking answer though. The fact that when I see somebody else doing some of the exact same stuff, I can see just how insane it really is, and I can see how much of a terrible idea it can be. So I think that now that I have that in mind, I think that I might be able to start to realize that it is time to put this whole thing to the side.

That being said, if my friends or family did get in danger, I would start doing something without a single fucking seconds thought. But for now, I wanted to give Gabe a chance, and see if he really was off his rocker, or if he was actually wanting to do something for us, and that quite possibly he really was having a method to all of his madness.

As I left the house, I was seeing that Josiah was talking with Gabe, and I was thinking about how much nicer it would be if I was still relatively innocent like Josiah was at the time. If he had no idea what was happening, and that everything just seemed fucking normal here. If it just seemed like a regular old conversation, and not anything really too strange at all. And as I was dialing up Bebe's number, I felt like it was time for one other thing.

And that was just trying to speak with her, and trying to make it all right. You know, just seeing how she had felt. You know, actually getting to know her. I think that doing something like this was all that I can do, and I was just wondering if she was willing to take the idea, and run with it at all. I was just secretly hoping that she would understand that all that I had ever wanted right now was to see her smiling. As strange as that was sounding, I was just wanting to make sure that nothing was happening to her.

"Hey Bebe, I was thinking about stopping by, and seeing how you were doing right now." I said, and I was feeling the text might be casual enough to where she would never noti

Chapter Text

-Gabe's POV September 1 2020 10:12 pm- I was told about this journal that Todd wants us all to write in and stuff. I don't really think that it would be a smart idea to be talking about everything we dealt with in a way that people can be able to learn about it. But I will admit that there are some stuff going on here that I guess I could vent on about at least, so I will go along with it.

So it was going on earlier today, when I was planning on hanging out with one of my friends. I was mainly doing it to capture some time with them before senior year of school, and another part of me was just wanting to make sure that they were safe after the stuff that had gone down with that explosion and stuff. You know, I just wanted to make it all safe.

There was something that was taking the things Todd had been doing the previous days that made me feel like maybe Todd might have known what was happening, and I was just feeling like regardless of what the hell he was going to try and tell me, that I just needed to see what his issue was. But I decided that I was not going to bother him too much on this.

I was wanting Todd to just fucking talk with me, and help me out with this whole thing. But as I was heading down to Michael's house, where I was hoping we could gather up with Carly, and we could all just make sure that we were fine, I was seeing some glowing light that was really confusing me the entire fucking time.

I wanted to pretend like the fucking glowing light was no fucking big deal, and that we just needed to relax a bit. But the entire time that I was heading there, I was tired, and I was wanting to fucking just see what they were feeling. When I would talk with them next, maybe I could tell them about the glowing light that I had seen, and learn what they were thinking on it.

So with that, I was starting to walk to the forest and I was just telling myself that it was only going to be a small visit, and that things were all going to be fine. I was convinced that there was going to be no issue with checking this out for a moment or two. I was seriously thinking that everything would have been fine. The entire time that I was walking there, I was telling myself that chances were very likely that I was just over thinking it, and that it was not that big of a deal in all honesty.

The only thing that was running in my mind over and over again during this walk was that I was needing to try and just make some peace with the fact that some people were not even going to be all that interested in what some glowing lights were, and I was feeling that in all honesty, I should not have been interested either.

The entire time that I was walking down the forest path, feeling like I was just needing to be calm and collected. I had genuinely felt like if I was going to just see what was happening there, I was telling myself over and over again that I was going to just find out what Todd was hiding from me. Which I was feeling like was the most important thing we could do.

I was wondering what Todd was even worried about right now. I was just thinking that perhaps if I could talk with him, and get him to be totally honest with me, then I was going to finally feel like the two of us were going to have a true connection. I wanted a tangible connection and one that I was going to really feel like could have been able to bring us together. Maybe we could work together, and make this whole thing less terrible.

There was also the part of me that was wondering if any of this even fucking mattered or not. I was thinking that speaking to him was only going to make things a bit harder, when I was being realistic, and that he was not going to want to work with me. I was convinced that he was going to tell me off, and tell me that I was just looking at this whole thing way too deeply. I hated it, but I was expecting this.

In the end, I was feeling like I was never going to be fully satisfied with myself, and I was never going to think about what I could be doing to make life better. My entire life that I had been living so far was a really confusing one. Pretending like nothing was even fucking happening, and pretending like nothing that I had seen in the past even fucking mattered at all.

I was telling myself that I was needing to realize that no matter what I had been wanting to do, and no matter what I was thinking that I needed to do for the best presentation of my family, I was just needing to stop pretending like what I had been seeing back in the day was fake. In a way, those fucking monsters were sincere, and I think we all knew this deep down.

The only time that really made me unsure of what to be thinking was the time that I was hanging out with those fucking guys back in that summer. But I guess that memories were all floating by, and that with each passing year, despite how big the events were, I was getting older, and I was starting to more and more forget about what I was feeling. This was something that I was used to, but that did not mean that I was happy for it.

Eventually, I was in the middle of a barren open area. As I was looking around the area, I was just wanting to try and find something to do that would actually get me some fucking ideas on what was happening. But there was something about the center of the clearing that gave me a unsettled feeling.

So with this, I was getting down on one of my knees, and then I was starting to unbury something from the ground. I could feel something down there, and the entire time that I was bigging, the more and more certain that this was where I had needed to go. I was feeling fucking happy for finally feeling like I was seeing the thing that gave me uncertain doubt for such a long period of time.

I was digging for nearly three minutes or something, and the longer that I was going, the more and more that I was convincing myself that I was just going crazy, and that nothing was really happening. The more that I was convincing myself that I just needed to be taking this whole thing more seriously, and not be treating things so fucking jokingly.

Eventually I was feeling my hand hitting something, and this was when I was feeling like I would finally find something that was going to be giving me more context. I was pulling out what I was touching, and then I was looking at something cylinder when I was finished, although it was covered up.

I was then feeling like even if this was having nothing to do with earlier, that this was going to be worth the fucking find, and then I was unwrapping the thing from its wrapping, and I was telling myself that by doing this, I was going to find out what people were actually so fucking scared of for no real fucking reason.

When I was holding the rod, it had looked exactly like something like a lightsaber from the star wars movies. I was confused as hell from what I had found, and I was thinking that maybe I could just see if there was a button on it that I could be pressing, to see if this really was like a lightsaber from those movies, or if I was letting my imagination run wild now.

I saw a red button on it, and knowing full well what I was going to do, and knowing full well what I had found, I pressed the button, and saw the giant blue blade coming out from the rod. I was hoping for a green one, since that was my favorite color, but the idea of finding a real one of these at all was still exciting, and the color after a few seconds seemed to entirely leave my mind, I stared at it after I brought it to a upward position for nearly ten seconds before turning it off.

Once I had turned it off, I was sighing, and I was well aware that there was a chance that if somebody found this, that they were going to possibly use it for something bad. I was then thinking that in a way, when I was going to have it with me, that I was just needing to keep it with me, and keep it safe from what people were planning to possibly do with it. I was then wrapping the blade up, and placed it in my pocket.

I was walking down the pathway of the forest, and I was feeling that by getting out of the forest, I might have been able to hide for a while longer, and I might have been able to just keep this whole thing together. The entire time that I was walking down the pathway to get the hell out of here, I was well aware that I just needed to find a way to not only show this to Todd, but get him to believe that I was doing the right thing by using this to fight.

I wondered if listening to Todd was the only thing that was going to save me from whatever I was going to do. I was thinking that if Todd was going to be here with me, then we might have been able to figure out what the hell people were having, and then hiding from here. I was then feeling like no matter what Todd would have said, even he would have been more willing to help me out, if he was aware that I was actually going to be having some good intentions.

I was thinking about Todd, and I was thinking that maybe he might have known about some other stories that dad used to tell him. I was convinced that perhaps dad might have been able to help me out with this. I was thinking that he probably heard all about the monster stories from decades ago, and I was thinking that perhaps if he was wanting to help me out, then this would have been the only thing that could have made any fucking difference.

I was eventually getting out of the forest, and then I was feeling like maybe Michael might have been more supsective to the idea of hearing out my ideas, Maybe hearing me out, and hearing what I was thinking, he might have finally taken me seriously, and while I was not wanting him to be annoyed with me, and be angry at the fact that I was acting so strangely, I needed to let him hear me out.

I was thinking that as selfish as it was for me to say, that I wanted Carly to be the last person in this. She was needing to fucking hide from the truth. I was thinking that hiding her from the truth was going to be the only way that I would have kept her fucking safe. It was wrong to be like this, and even I knew this, but I did not care.

The closer that I was getting to his house, I was thinking that this was going to be a fun investigation if for nothing else, and that was the thing that made me so fucking sure that I was not going to be doing anything wrong. I was going to just tell him what I was thinking, and what I was wanting to do, and if he was not wanting to help me out for whatever reason, then I was going to have to just accept that fact once and for all.

The faster that I was getting convinced that this was going to be a really good idea, the better and better that I was feeling like I was a good fucking bullshitter. Then I eventually reached his house, and then I was knocking on his house for a few seconds. When I was done, I was staring up at the sky, and I was telling myself that I was ready for it all.

When Michael was anwering the door, he had looked right at me, and I was seeing him looking relatively uncertain on what I was doing, and that since we did not really make any agreements to hang out, the whole thing was just a bit strange. So I was thinking of something I could talk to him about, and we could connect for a while longer.

"Hey Gabe, how are you today?" After Michael asked me this, I shrugged, not having much to be thinking on this. I was thinking that just talking to him for a while was going to be the best thing that I could do. "I mean, you look like something is really bothering you. Plus, it is super fucking late in the night, and I think that you clearly just want to show me something."

"I am doing alright, but I have something that you might be really fucking interested in seeing." After I said this, I was seeing Michael looking at me as if feeling like I was needing to fucking not reel him in too much. But then he was sighing, and then he was telling himself mentally to just fucking give me a chance, and see what I was thinking right now.

"Are you worried about something?" After Michael asked this, I was getting inside of his house, rather forcefully, and I was feeling bad for it even at the moment. When we were inside though, I was looking right at him, and I was placing my hands on his shoulder, which was making it very clear to him that I was not messing around here.

"What the fucking hell is going on? I mean, you are starting to worry me now?" He asked, and then I was sighing, and I was just telling myself to fucking comprehend how silly this was probably looking to him, and then I was thinking of the best way that I could say this, and make him actually think that I was not going crazy, like a fucking mental asylum.

"I found this when I was in the forest, and I tried it out, and it actually works." I said, and before he was going to say no, and try and get to know what I was thinking, I was bring out the fucking blade from my pocket, and I was seeing him looking kind of confused, but he was remaining silent, wanting to give off at least some impression of respect when hearing me.

"What the fucking hell are you talking about? How did you find that? How are things like this even real?" After he has asked me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to just try and get it, but I was seeing that his mind was literally fucking reeling from this entire thing, and I did not blame him at all.

I turned the blade on, showing him that this was indeed real. As I was done with this, I was looking right at him, and I was seeing him finally calming down, and then he was looking right at me, and I was just thinking that no matter what he was wanting to do, I was needing to be respectful, and I was just needing to work with him on all levels.

"Wow, I never thought that I would see a fucking lightsaber. Like a real one. But what are you going to do about it? Do you think that perhaps with this, you might be able to do something with it?" After he asked me this, I was sighing, and then I was looking right at him, feeling like the next part of my answer was not going to be something he would want to hear. But I was thinking that I might as well be honest with him.

"I have no idea. What I am going to do is just look to see if the legends of the town are true or not. I mean, surely some of them must be. Look at this. Look at it. I am certain that at least some of this is true." I said, and then he was sighing, feeling like what I was saying was just wrong. But at the same time, I saw him just looking like he was trying to be calm, and not be telling me off.

"Gabe, that is going to get you killed. I hope that you understand this. You are going to be getting yourself killed if you even think of doing something like this. Please fucking think of that. But that being said, I would be lying if I was saying that I was not at least somewhat interested in what you were going to find." He was eventually sighing, and felt like the truth was going to come out. Then with this, I was sighing, and then was just trying my best to comprehend my friends caring for what I was doing.

...

-September 4 2020 12:31 pm- When I was sure that noboy else was awake that night, I was feeling like I just needed to do something that I never really wanted to do. And that was doing my fucking homework, and making sure that I knew all of the fucking clues on what was actually happening here. I was just telling myself that no matter what the fucking hell was happening, my siblings needed to stay out of this.

I was feeling like even if I was not the smartest cookie in the shed, I was smart enough to know that getting any of them involved in what I was doing, and what I was wanting to do, was just a fucking selfish and stupid move. So I was going to keep my cool, and pretend that they were all safe.

I had no idea if that plan was going to be very effective, and if it was going to fucking make any difference in the way that they were going to feel if they had known the truth. But I was going to feel so much fucking happier for pretending that they were going to be in a good spot. So I was going to just see what I can do now.

The only thing that I was not so sure about was if I was needing to try and bring Carly in on this. I was feeling like if she had known, we could work together, and we could fucking actually be a team. But at the same time, if she had known, she might have told me that she wanted nothing to do with my fucking plans now. She was going to act like I was taking things too far, or making something out of nothing.

And for all I fucking knew, they were right. For all that I knew on the other hand, something really could be happening here, and something could have been actually going down, and something could have been happening without a single one of us fucking know, and this was just a giant fucking mistake now.

The one thing that I was fucking certain of was that I was needing to make sure that my family would not see that if I was not careful enough, this would turn into something that I was obsessed over. Something that I just needed to get my shot of. You know, in a way, I guess that if I was not careful enough, I would treat it like it was fucking heroin.

Wow, I think that maybe I am taking the comparisons to a bit of a over the top degree, and even I must admit that. But whatever, I am just trying to sort of make my point that there is more to this than I will want to admit, and that I am willing to make it all fucking work out in the end.

Eventually, I was reaching the town library, and when I was there, I sighed for a moment, and I was just telling myself to go right in, and do what I can to find out what I can. And when I was done, I was going to leave, and I was going to just finally start to have more of a grasp on what I was doing. All that I just needed to do was fucking focus on the main goal.

When I was telling myself one final time to just not do it, I was shaking my fucking head, and told myself that I was needing to do this for my own mental sanity, and I was walking right inside. So as I was looking around, I was just seeing that there was nobody behind the counter. That was a bit strange to me, but I guess that maybe he or she was fucking busy.

So I choose not to think too much on it for the time being, feeling like my conclusion was a relatively perfectly valid one. I was going to the counter though, for a couple of second, thinking that maybe if somebody saw me, they could have come to me by then. When that did not happen, I was feeling like I was needing to just give it a fucking rest, and I started to wak to the one section of the library I new migt help me out.

The archies explaining all of the details on missing people in the town. I mean, I was feeling like surely at least one of two of those places were going to give me the fucking clues that I had wanted. I was just needing to buckle down, and just decide that I did want to read the material. I did want to read it, and I wanted to understand it. I wanted it so fucking badly.

I was thinking that it was rather strange that the files were here in the library though, and that was entirely because of the fact that the mayor and other people were rather proud of the fact that this information was never really going to ruin the fact that tourists were coming to the town, and making it a site that people loves to see. But by doing this, it was going to help drive people away.

If they knew all about the people who were gone, and all the people that were never coming along, people would have bolted from this town so fucking long ago. That was a fucking fact. People would have made it a priority that nobody was ever going to have a fucking visit, or a consideration for this place, fucking ever.

I was wondering how powerful advertising was then. You know, to hide something as big as this, and to hide it in a way that anybody could have seen it, and would have if they looked, and choose just not to do something like this. The whole thing was literally making no fucking sense to me. But I guess that at the same time, none of it mattered.

As I was grabbing some files from just last year, a lady called out to me. This scared the shit out of me for a couple of seconds, and then I saw her, and was seeing that she was having a relatively serious but polite look on her face. "Is there anything that you need?" She asked, probably entirely assuming that I was doing this because of school. I was thinking about what to say then.

"No, not really. I am just sort of looking at things that had some form of interest to me. You know, just things that I have wanted to know about. I think that I will probably be fine." I said, and then I was looking at her, and she was clearly not looking too into what i had said, and thought that maybe I lied a small bit.

"What person in your age range actually has a interest in things that happen in this town years ago? I mean, that seems like something that would never even cross some of your peoples minds to save your life." She said, and then I looked right at her, and the thing was that at the moment, I did not disagree with her. But I was needing to just pretend like I was not thinking too much on it, and she was being silly right now.

"Well, I think that those people are just not wanting to come off and give off that impression of being obssessed." I said, and then I was sighing, thinking that I just needed to be leaving it alone. She was never going to really fucking get it. I mean, with Lydia always having a ssmall chance of being another person to go missing, I would be insane to not be looking at it all.

"I think that you are severely underestimating my knowledge on the subject. But if you want to look at this stuff, then there is nothing that I would do about it. I mean, I do applaud your interest in the subject, or whatever reason that is." She said, and then she was finally willing to leave the subject alone. I was just thinking that if she would leave me alone, then everything would be the best thing for me.

"Thank you, and if I find something that I might need your help on, I will see what I could find." I said, and then I was sighing, feeling like something like this was going to be for the best. Just making it look like I was willing to at least make it seem like I was willing to give her a chance. With this, she was leaving me alone.

Eventually, when she was finally fucking gone, I was sighing in relief, and I was fucking over the discussion, despite the fact that we never really even had a chance to start it. I sat down, and I was ready to finally fucking work, and see what I was finally going to pull out some shit with this. I was pulling out things from the year 2019 and 2020, given the fact that those just happened.

I was seeing a note saying "Pheobe Jarret next person gone in growing list of people." The name reminded me of her. I only knew her vaguely from like middle school, and even then we barely talked about anything with each other. I was thinking that she probably forgot I even existed. Which was not strange since for a brief second, I did as well.

I was feeling like i just was going to have to remember if we ever even interacted once in our entire lives. I was thinking that we probably shared words like hello and have a nice day, but in a actual discussion, I think that perhaps we did not have anything remotely close to this. I was shaking my head, looking at the date, and was just trying to find a common connection there.

June 12 2020, slightly less than three months ago. I think that she was most recent one. But then I was remembering the grinding noise from slightly less than two weeks ago, and I was thinking that maybe I was going to keep all of this in mind. I was thinking that there was a small chance that surely somebody else might have been missing, and that I just needed to try harder.

I was then thinking about some questions that maybe I could ask the lady at the counter again. I was walking towards her, and I was just hoping that no matter what was happening, she was going to try and reach out to me. "Hey, I do have a question for you after all." I said, wanting to pretend like I could find a way to get her to listen to me for a second.

She was looking up at me, and the way she had looked at me was showing that she was actually kind of shocked that I was wanting to hold on with this. "I was wondering if there was any reports on the whole Pheobe Jarret case that happened a couple of months ago?' I asked, hoping that she was actually going to be listening to me. I was just hoping that no matter what she was feeling here, she would have actually listened to me here.

"No, I never heard anything about it, which is surpirising since people usually get at least one or two clues by now." She admitted, and I was shocked that she was genuinely willing to talk with me at all about this. She was happy to talk with me, andif I could listen to her tell me more clues, I was needing to see what she was keeping to herself.

"Sorry for wasting your time. I just thought that there would have been something from this." I said, feeling like I was wasting her fucking time this entire time, and I was feeling like I was just being a fucking waste of time. I was feeling like no matter what I was thinking, I was just beeding to be careful. I was telling myself that this woman was only wanting to pretend to help me.

"I mean, I never thought that you were actually going to ask any questions about this. I thought that you were just going to be only pretending to want to know stuff." After he had said that to me, I was then thinking about what we were going to discuss right now. I eventually was then gathering myself up once again, and then I was looking right at her again.

"Anyways, I will continue to see what I might find now." I said, and then I was finding myself trying to find out what I was going to accomplish right now. I was going to just really pretend that what people were thinking of people like me, and people my age in general, which was just a bit too much to actually handle.

I was walking to the area again, and I was then telling myself to actually look more at the information again. I was thinking about what the article was saying could have actually had something to help me out. I was thinking that there must have been at least some fucking information here. No matter what I was feeling, I just needed to look.

When I was done, I was seeing a fucking paper with a note on it. I was confused at the fucking note, and I was just trying to pretend like the note was not strange. But when I could have fucking sworn that I never seen something like this, I was just going to have to read the note. Which confused me when I was seeing it directed for me. I placed it in my pocket, thinking that i would read it when I was in my house tonight or something.

I was telling myself that when I was going to be reading this note, I was going to see if it was going to fucking help me ou at all, which I was genuinely feeling like was just never going to fucking be the case. But you know, I think that I was just thinking that I was going to have to pretend like someting like this had a fucking chance of happening.

...

-September 4 2020 3:36 pm- I was getting ready to hang out with my friends, and I was thinking that as long as Michael was still aware of what I was fucking doing, then the two of us were going to have a good plan, and we were actually going to be making things work out for the best.

I was thinking that at least until it became a situation of no choice, that I was not going to be telling Carly about what I was doing. She needed to not know the truth for as long as fucking possible. The longer she refused to know the truth, and the longer she was away from what was happening, the better that things were going to be.

But despite everything going on, I was telling myself that perhaps when I was going to be seeing Carly again, and I was going to see how she was presenting herself, she would have possibly had a chance to see that I was wanting to fucking make things work out. I was wanting to fucking keep her safe. But if keeping her safe was to bring her in this, then I was willing to change my plan.

The only thing that even remotely fucking mattered to me was just trying to figure out what that note was trying to accomplish. I mean, that note was really getting to me. The longer that I thought on that note, and the longer I was really spending on it, thinking deeply about what I was being told, the longer that I was sure that it was not a fucking hoax, and somebody did want to meet me.

I was taking out the note, and I was wondering if maybe I was just over reacting, and if the note really was not meant for me. Despite what I was thinking, I was willing to admit that something like this was rather possible. Something like this really could have fucking happened, and I was being stupid for not thinking that maybe something was there, and that maybe I just noticed it for the first time. Even though I had a feeling this was not true.

"It is clear why you are reading these notes. Clearly you want to try and find out some clues on this town. That is not going to work. Do not even bother trying to make something like this work. You know that you will never find something, and your attempts are going to fail. Every attempt at trying to help these people out has failed miserably." The note was starting to say, and I was feeling like this was just a terrible way to be writing to somebody, and I was feeling like I was needing to ignore thie.

When I shoved the note back in my pocket, I was finding myself genuinely pissed at the whole thing, and I was just telling myself that perhaps this person was having some attempts at finding something, but they themselves failed. Or they were trying to put me in a situation where I did not feel right to continue this whole thing. Surely they were going to feel like they were super successful, and that they were going to laugh at me for falling for it.

I was wondering if maybe Todd or Josiah had any ideas on what to be saying right now. Considering the fact that they were old enough to have dealt with their missing share of newly missing people, and i was convinced that neither of them would have tried to hide from me if they knew that I was genuinely wnating to help out a bit better.

I was then thinking that maybe Michael would have some clues, and I was going to just figure out what they might want to tell me, if they were going to want to tell me anything at all. And if they did, then I was going to just tell them that this was for personal interest, and that I had no desire to be doing something that I was certain wwas only getting my friends in danger.

I mean, I do admit though that I am just so much more interested in that sword blade that I had found earlier. I was wondering if it was something related to a secret experiment, and that was why nobody had wanted to check into it. The only thing about this whole investigation that was kind of worrying me was that if some other people found out what I was doing, they might actually want to do something about it.

Eventually, I was reaching Michael's house, and I knocked on his door, and when he had answered, and I was seeing him looking like he was having virtually no interest in pretending like I was here for something other for what I was going to be here for. I was feeling like maybe this whole thing might have been for the best, and I was just thinking that maybe he was wanting to get this whole thing over with.

"Are you wanting to talk about what you had found a couple of days ago?" After he asked me this, I was looking right at him, and he was clearly looking unsure of what he was wanting to accomplish. I was tired, and I was just wanting him to at least pretend like he was going to have some fucking ideas on what to do.

"Maybe a little bit. But at the same time, I was just wondering if you were holding up well or not tonight." I said, and then I was sighing, feeling like I was just needing to pretend like what I was discussing with him was going to be fine. I was just feeling like no matter what he had said, neither of us were going to stall this discussion for too much longer.

"I am doing alright enough. I mean, it is not that big of a deal. I mean, I am just sort of wondering if what we had found was real or not. The whole thing was justs trange, and I know that I didn't imagine it. But I just feel like there must have been more to it." After Michael was saying this to me, I was then seeing him looking like he was wishing that I could pretend like nothing was happening.

"I guess that maybe none of this really makes any fucking difference. I just wish that I could be fine right now. I think that when I know what happened that placed that down there, I could have made everything just be put behind my back." I said, and then I was shrugging, feeling like I just needed to leave the whole thing alone. "I mean, I am not going to try and connect it with all the missing people, but knowing my luck, I would not be shocked if they were connected."

"I mean, maybe somebody had just made one, and they thought that there was not all that much to it, so they buried it." Michael said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was feeling like the chances of this happening was just really fucking small. "I mean, I guess that it could be a suggestion that I would make."

"I mean, if somebody made a fucking lightsaber, not a single fucking person would be hiding it. I think that this idea is just not going to fucking be realistic." I said, and then looking right at him, and the longer that I was staring, the more that he was looking like he was actually considering what I had said. Even if he was not a big fan of me acting like he was stupid.

"I guess that maybe that is true. I am just trying to find a way to make some fucking sense out of this whole thing. I mean, surely I think even you must understand where I am coming from right now." He was telling me, and then I was looking right at her, just trying to find a way to be making some fucking sense out of the insanity of this.

"Yeah, I guess that may understand that you are just worried about how things are and stuff. I mean, I am sort of able to see why people care so much about these simple little things." I said, and then I looked right at him, wondering what the heck I was even going to be saying now. I was pretending like if we were talking longer on this, then I would feel like this was not going to be all that big of a deal, and we were fine.

I was just wishing that maybe I could have made Michael feel like maybe we were going to be focusing on some things that were going to be much more important for the most part. "So Michael, I think that perhaps maybe we can go along and see if there really is something happening right now, and if maybe there is somebody who would know about the creation about these energy swords." I said, trying to find a way to make sense out of this.

"Well, maybe if you feel like there really is something happening here, then while I may think that actually looking at this might not be a good idea, I have nothing to say to stop you. I guess that I will just want to have you be safe mostly." After he had said that to me, I was thinking about the comment 'mostly'. I think we all knew that something like this was never fucking happening.

"Yeah, I get it. I think that the idea of perfect safety is just going to be impossible to accomplish." I said, feeling like the honesty was going to be the best thing we could do. But seriously, I just need to see if perhaps I can find something at the library. I wanted to find something there. That did not fucking work." I said, and then he was looking at me, just looking fucking confused.

"What did you fucking do in there?" After Michael asked me this, I was sighing, feeling like maybe this discussion was going to be hard to have since in a way, doing this might have been exposing that I was getting a bit fucking insane, and that I was honestly starting to get obsessed right now. "What were you in the library in the first place?"

"I was just thinking that if I looked hard enough, I might have seen something that could have given me a couple of pieces of information. You know, I was just trying to find something that would have made me feel like I was doing something smart. Who knows, maybe there was some news articles on it." I said, almost realizing how silly I was silly as I was speaking right now.

"There is no way that there will be something about people creating crazy weapons in the news papers. I think that even you must surely understand that if you wanted to find something, that it would not be in a paper that everybody could read." He said, and I was shrugging, thinking that this was not entirely true, but I was in no mood to argue with him.

"Think of it my way. I mean, nuclear weapons and shit have their stuff reported. That is stuff that appears on papers for everybody to read. There is no fucking reason for this to not be one of those things." I said, shrugging, and I was hoping that Micheal would have at least reluctantly conceded where I was coming from.

But as I had said that, and I was seeing that his mind was still running for things to say. To run for things that he would have been able to say to make it seem like nothing was fucking happening, and that perhaps I was just looking too deeply into it all. Which I admit was just him trying to not deal with any of the issues of denial.

"I just thought that it was worth a check. It really all comes down to this. But I think that maybe you guys might have something that I might want to see." I said, and then I was looking at him, referring to him and his friend group, and I was seeing that he was able to piece together that this was what I meant.

"I think that the idea of Carly or I having something that can help you out is pretty crazy. I mean, I am just as lost as you are on this whole thing, and I think that your best bet is going to just work hard, and look hard at things. I mean, I am sure that you will find something eventually." He said, and then he looked right at me, as if feeling like what he was saying was making a lot of sense, and that surely I could get it.

"Yeah, I guess that you're right. Sorry for being so fucking pushy I guess. I will probably move on soon enough. I mean, I kind of know deep down that this is not really going to be all that fucking worth it at the end. I mean, i am alread feeling like I am fucking going crazy from all of this uncertainty going on right now." I was shrugging, hoping that this comment could make him feel slightly differently to this whole thing.

"I think that if you want to know something, that there are some people who you can try and reach out in contact with. I mean, surely even if the library doesn't help you, which I mean it could, then I think that maybe you can go out and reach out to like the history people." Michael said, and while I was thinking this comment was rather fucking vague, and did not really fucking help out at all, I was thinking that what he was saying made sense, mostly.

"I guess that I can see what I might be learning here." I said, and then I was shurgging, thinking about those fucking missing links, and as much as I hated to admit it, I had never once fucking thought about asking the people at the fucking history sites. But then there was something else that I was considering. Something that just recently passed my mind at that very moment.

"I wonder if that strange science research facility might have something that I might be able to use." I was shrugging as I had said that, thinking that what I suggested made a decent amount of sense, and that maybe even Michael might be able to concede to this one. He was remaining silent for a second longer. As if actually trying to process it all.

"I mean, I would not place very high hopes on it, but I guess that maybe you could try it out. Surely there might be one or two people there who will be willing to help you out if you were nice enough about it." He was not sounding too sure, but I was seeing him considering it for a bit.

"Yeah, exactly, that is my fucking point. I mean, maybe there is somebody there. I will go check that out soon." I said, and then I was thinking of something that I could tell him that would make him feel slightly better about all of this, and I was feeling like this comment, if I was honest, was the least that I could do, to make him feel like I was not going fucking crazy.

"If I do not find anything after going there and trying tonight, or if I am straight up not even able to fucking do something, I will give up tonight. I will leave it all alone, and I will never look into it again." I said, and then I was feeling like this was the perfect offer that he would not turn down. He was looking like he was really unsure of what to say to this. Almost relieved in his own way.

"Alright, if you really mean what you are saying, and if you really do leave it alone, then I will let you have your little thing, and I will leave you alone." Micheal said, and I was thankful to see him at least pretending to understand, and at least pretending like this was not a big deal to him at all. I was feeling like that was all that I had needed right there.

"Hey Gabe, I know that this whole thing may not be making much sense to me, and I might not really get it all that much. But if you really do find something there, and if you really do feel like you are going to be finding something important there, then I will support you in what I can." After Michael told me this, I was feeling so fucking glad to be knowing that he was there for me on this one, at least for now.

"Thank you or helping me out. Thank you for the promise. It really does make me feel so much fucking better." I said, and then I looked at him as if feeling like I just needed to try and say something else, and that if I failed to find something to tell him, he was not going to feel like I was being very sincere. But he did not say anything, and I felt that this was my way of being let go for now.

"The only thing that I do not want at all from this is putting Carly in danger If you can promise to keep her out of this entirely, and make sure that she is going to be able to stay safe, and stay happy, then I will be fine. I mean, I don't really have any like romantic feelings or anything, but I do not want anything to happen to her that might get her in danger." Michael said, and I was nodding, thinking that it was a point of agreement that the two of us could have on this, and I was glad that we could see eye to eye on this issue at the very least.

...

-Sepetember 4 2020 11:32 pm- I was aware that what I was doing was fucking insanity. Do you know think that I was smart enough to figure that one out on my own? I mean, even I think that maybe I went a bit over the fucking line when I was thinking about all of this stuff. But the one fucking thing that I did know was that I could not control myself.

I was thinking that I could just get right inside, and when I was inside, I would see what I could learn, and see if there was somebody who was willing to have peaceful discussion with me. If they were going to do that, then I would not have to do a single fucking thing that was going to be a big issue. I was just thinking that all that I needed to do was focus on what was ahead of me.

You know, I was just feeling like that if I was smart enough, and I was able to position myself well enough, then everybody who would have known me would have been able to respect the way that I was going to be playing this game. Respect the way that I was going to be taking this upfront approach, and fucking just try and make it feel like what I was doing made sense.

All that I did know that I needed was a fucking idea of who I was going to be working with on a team, and who I was going to just have to put away, and not be helping out. I was thinking that despite what I told Michael about leaving this whole thing alone if I had found out nothing, I was deeply aware that something like this was just not fucking happening. It never was, and probably never fucking would go down like this.

The only real issue that I had here was the fact that nobody was going to be fully aware of what I was actually wanting to do. People were probably thinking that I was just doing something for school, since senior year was so fucking close, and they were not going to get in my business here, which was going to be a short term plus. But I was needing to either find something before I was exposed, or give up before then.

I did not know which one of those two were going to happen. But if I did not accomplish one of them at least, then nothing that I wanted to do would have made any fucking difference. Nothing that I could have fucking even dreamed of doing would have amounted to a damn thing. I mean, people act like I do not know a lot of things like this. But I am smart enough to figure out when the cards are totally fucking stacked against somebody.

I was finally creating a game plan after several minutes, and when I was done having something that would feel like it was not totally off the rails, I wrote it all down in a journal, and this was when Todd was coming along, and I was placing the notebook down on my chest, and I was feeling like chances were really good he was going to want to read it.

"Hey Gabe, what types of things are you working on?" Todd asked, totally not thinking at all on what I was trying to do. I was feeling like this was gods way of giving me a chance to just get out of this one decently enough, and I came up with a load of bullshit on the spot, hoping he would buy it.

"I am just working on a heist story. You know, try something else out for once. I never got much into the whole writing thing, so I figured that I might as well give it a chance." I said, and I was really hoping that he was willing to leave it alone at this. The way he was looking at me clearly showed he was not really sure what exactly to tell me right now. Almost like he was wondering if I was lying to him here.

Either he did not see through me, or he was willing to at least pretend like nothing was going on, since he was just shrugging at this. "I mean, do what you want to do. I mean, it really is none of my fucking business what you are interested in." Todd said, and then he was looking at me, and I was seeing looking like he was wanting to have me behave enough to where he did not have to change that set of beliefs. If it was going to keep my activity on the down low, I would not dare risk it.

"Trust me, we are both good. I mean, I think that this story is just going to give me a chance to just relax, and just think about what I am doing." I said, feeling like saying something like this was going to make him feel like we were going to be having a nice discussion. The entire time that I was trying to speak, I was sincerely feeling like I needed to have perfect responses.

"Gabe, seriously, it really is none of my business. I was just interested for a second. I mean, people can do what they want to do with their own time, and as long as they are not making a big deal out of it, I have nothing to judge you for." He said, and then he was laying down on his bed, and i was seeing him pulling his phone out of his pocket, and I was feeling like this was my cue that we were good, and that I was safe for another while at the very least.

...

-September 5 2020 11:01 pm- I was finally feeling like my progress was going to be ready to go, and I was just feeling like no matter what my fucking siblings would tell me, at the very least at Michael would be willing to pretend like I was just doing something like hanging out with them for the time being.

As I was about to head out of the house, I was seeing Josiah looking really busy at work, and I was seeing that when he had seen me, that he had clearly wanted to fucking talk with me for a while longer. He was feeling like he just needing to see how I was doing in the first place. I was tired of what everybody wanted to tell me. They were clearly going to try and pretend like I was going to be doing something stupid.

"Hey Gabe, what is happening right now?" After Josiah asked me this, I was looking at him, and I was just feeling fucking tired of this whole thing. I was thinking that in my mind, I was just not really in the fucking mood to be hearing what some people were going to be doing if they had known what was going on in my fucking mind. "I was just a bit curious."

"I was just going to be checking something out right now. I feel like I might just want to see what is happening right now." I said, feeling like there was absolutely nothing that I could have tried to make this whole thing feel a bit differently for me. I was thinking that maybe Josiah was just needing to leave me alone for the time being.

"I guess that it is not that big of a deal. Is there something you and your friend are doing that I might be interested in?" He asked, and then I was looking right at him, and I was feeling like I had no fucking interest in this whole fucking thing. I was wondering what the hell he would have even tried to accomplish about this right now.

"I mean, I think that there is nothing going on that you might even fucking care about. It is not that big of a deal honestly." I said, trying to pretend like I was all fine here. When I was staring right at him, and I was seeing Josiah looking kind of bored. Like he had wanted to say something. "I really don't know why you would be so interested in this whole thing anyways." I said, not even interested in this right now.

"I don't know. Just things that Todd had said got me slightly curious. But I know that in all honesty, that it is none of my business." After Josiah was telling me this, I was wondering what the hell we were even going to accomplish by keeping this whole thing up any longer. I was then going to leave the house, having no interest in this anymore.

I was then leaving the house, not even remotely interested in this discussion right now. I was then walking down for a while longer, and I was going to go to that facility, and despite what I was personally feeling, none of this even fucking mattered anymore. I was just thinking that maybe this look was going to be enough to end my interest once and for all.

I was thinking that Carly was just never going to know the truth, and my refusal to let her know more was going to fucking be enough for her own sake. I was thinking that maybe Carly never knowing the truth was going to be something that could have been considered the only good saving grace. I was feeling like what Carly would have said would have been kind of aggitating. But in a way, I was just not even fucking caring anymore.

I was getting close to the facility, and I was thinking that if they could at least answer me what the grinding noise was, or what the radio station was, and that by doing this, I could have made the fucking peace with what was going on right now. I was thinking that maybe I was going to just go up the pathway, and see what the station was. I was thinking that maybe when I would go there, the biggest question could be answered.

I was feeling like the fact that I was going to radio station, and I was feeling like I was needing to go back to that tree house in that forest. I had not been there for years. You know, the tree house had not even been in my mind for yeas, and I was thinking that as strange as it was, there must have been at least one or two things that I might have been able to really recall from this.

I was thinking that maybe when I was going to see the tree house, I was going to just find a couple of jokes that were going to make it all make sense. I was wondering if Michael was going to finally find a way to give me some advice, if he was going to find some real clues on what was actually going on in the first place. Eventually, I was seeing the facility close by, and I was just staring at the facility for as long as possible.

I was then just walking across the street, just trying to find some peace with all of that was even happening. The only thing that I was going to have to do was just bullshit my way out if they were not going to help me. I was thinking that surely I could come up with some good excuses if I was trying hard enough. Not that it would have really been a issue, but I was never going to be one hundred percent sure in the end.

Right when I was getting inside, I was seeing that there was a lady behind the front service counter, and she was shocked to see me there. I was wanting to just bolt out of there the minute that she was looking at me, and then I was just telling myself that I had a right to be here, and that I was just being a big fucking baby about this, and that I just needed to go up to her, and ask for some simple questions.

"Hey, I was needing some help with certain things. Would you be willing to help me out right now?" I asked her, feeling like maybe just being straight forward about it might be able to help me out for a bit. The way she was looking at me clearly looked like she was feeling like what I was doing was just so fucking strange, and wished that I was not even going to be here right now. Which I felt like was shitty customer service. But then again, this wasn't a normal business.

"I promise you that I do not plan on being here for a very long period of time. I just want to go on and look around for a bit. I have some questions about this town, and things going on, that I feel like might be answered by some people who work here." I said, and I was feeling like the way that I was asking this sounded strange, even to myself. But I was just needing to play low, no matter what it was going to take.

"Guests are usually not allowed here under any circumstances." She said, and I was seeing that she was sort of going back to her same level of general composure. I was still just really unsure what the issue was in the first place that made her so fucking worried in the first place. I was feeling like what she was doing was just beyond strange, and I was not really in the mood to be arguing with her on this.

"What is the issue? Is there something going on?" I felt like pushing my luck on this was not a good idea, but I was feeling like if this was the way that things were going to be, that I at least deserved to know what the fucking issue was, and I deserved to at least have a fucking idea why they were being hard on me.

"Honestly, it is just lab policy. It is something that is considered very special if you ever have a chance to be able to question the workers here on anything." She said, and I was seeing her looking like she was hoping that something like this might have appealed to me enough. To be honest, it came nowhere close to this, and was leaving me with more questions than answers.

"Are there ways that I can set up appointments here?" I was asking, just thinking that the longer that I was really aiming at this, and the longer we were going to talk in this fashion, the more she was going to be feeling like she had no real choice but to just cave in, and at least give me a chance here.

As I was about to try and argue another thing with the look on her face gettng ready to give me something on the lines of another no, a voice was calling out to us, and I was feeling like this was either going to be my savior, or my killer. "If he wants to asks his auetions so badly, why not let him have his chance? I mean, what are the worst that they will be?" The guy asked, and he was looking right at me, as if feeling like he was wanting me to take advantage of this.

"Thank you very much. I promise that I will be rather quick. I mean, I only have a few things that I want to know. But I had a feeling that you guys might know more about it than anybody else." I said, and I was hoping that mild flattery would win him over. I was wanting to make him feel like we were going to find some form of common ground if I had just picked apart hard enough.

Eventually, I was following him, and he was looking right at me, just trying to find something to say. "So young man, what really is your interest in the subjects that we study here? I mean, none of this seem like stuff that people your age would even care about. So I am just trying to understand." He said, and then I was thinking that maybe he was going to use me as a subject, and I was sighing, in the fact that I was starting to realize that I was going to be duped by this guy.

"Well, I was hearing that you guys knew about everything that happens in this town, and I was aware that you might have some things that I would consider very good information. I was wondering if something like this was a good approach. Praising them, whiile also not seeming to be over the top or insincere about it. He was shrugging, as if feeling like I needed to go deeper.

"The truth is that we just do whatever we can to solve as many cases in this town as possible. We feel like everything has a real answer here, and we feel like if you have something that you want to know, that perhaps we will already have some things that you would be wanting to know." He was saying, thinking that as long as I was still talking, as long as we did not seem to be losing sight here, everything was going to be fucking great. "So what types of things are running in your mind?"

"Well, I was wondering if you have any clues about the location of the radio station, and what might actually be going on up there?" I asked, and I was feeling like even I was aware of how strange the question must sound to any normal person. But at the same time, I was convinced that there was no way these were normal people.

"Well, I think that you might be very shocked to learn that there is actually not that much business that goes up there anymore. After the station suffered from some very serious issues back in the distant past, the station has been mostly viewed as a terrible economic position, and is only really there is partly a historic piece." The man said, and there was something about the way that he said it that made me refuse to believe him.

"I think that there is probably more to it than just that. I mean, with all of the stuff that gets talked about it when dealing with its history, and most of it's issues, I feel like there surely is something hidden there." I was saying, and I was hoping that he was not going to be annoyed with my pestering on the issue.

"The truth of the matter is that there is hardly anybody around who has taken a great enough interest in using anything with it." He said, and I was just thinking that maybe he was hiding the fact that perhaps the science facility was using it for their own purposes. I mean, in a way, that did make some fucking sense. As much as they might deny it, that was something that I was feeling like was a legit idea to go with.

"The only thing that I really just want to know, is the fact that this place has been here for literally fucking decades, and now that we are aware of the fact that this place has not been used for most of that, and you are saying at no point in time has anybody been even remotely interested in going on to see what might be going on up there? I mean, I think you might understand why I find that hard to believe." I said, and I was thinking that if I was pressing him harder, he might just tell me the truth, or he was going to admit that he was having me on a fucking string here.

"We just try and do our best to make sure that we take every factor into consideration. I sincerely tell you that if you want to help us find out the truth, then you are totally welcome to do so. But many people have tried to purchase it out, and tried to make it their own thing, but have been failing to really accomplish this." He said, and then he was sighing, hoping the discussion can end.

I was almost there. I was feeling like I was close to something, even if we were not there yet. "I mean, I am just wanting to go up there, and maybe if I can go up there, I might learn some things about this town I might like." I said, and then he was looking at me, a flash of fear in his eye, and that was when I knew that I fucking got the guy there.

"I would highly suggest against that. If you go in there, and you ended up getting hurt, then there will be so many legal troubles that the issues would not even begin to be describable. I think that the only way that this whole thing would turn out is just with one big law suit." He said, and then I was looking at him, appaled by the fact that he was saying this right now.

"Listen, I know that there is a level of fear that can go on in here. But imagine what it must be like to grow up in a place where literally nobody fucking tells you the basic things going on?" I asked, and I was looking right at him, and I was hoping this small comment was going to be sticking to him for a bit. I was feeling like it was the only thing that I can do.

"Well, I mean, I guess that I can't stop you from going there. I think that if you truly believe that you want to go there, then I will let you be doing whatever you please. But I think that you need to plan out your excursions, and I think that you need to keep in mind the possible effects of what you do in mind." He said, and this time, almost any pretense of being kind and caring was gone, and he was entirely replacing it with anger and annoyance. I was thinking that I was needing to listen to him for a second longer before I pissed him off any further.

"No matter what happens, I do appreciate the time you took into seeing me. Please do not worry about what I might be doing. I have been thinking about this for a while. I want to make things all fine here." I said, and then I was sighing, and then he was feeling like he was calming down as I was about to head out. He looked like there was more to say here.

"I am saying this right now because what is happening at town should not be your business. You need to just remember that these issues have been taken care of for years, and that everybody is fine right now." He said, and I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say something else, but just remained silent. I was nodding, not in the mood any further, and when I was leaving, I saw a almost menacing look on his face, and I was seeing him reaching down to his pocket and grab something out. Right then and there, everything went from annoyance and confusion to fear.

-September 7 2020 11:33 pm- I had started to settle down, and I was finally starting to fucking calm down, and I was feeling like more and more that I had been thinking about this, that maybe I really did need to give this one a fucking rest. I hated what fucking happened, but I hated what I was getting myself into, no matter how else I was trying to describe it all.

I was thinking that despite all that I was saying right now, that there was a thing that I was just trying to fucking figure out. I was needing to fucking try and see if there were more people who were willing to talk to me, and that maybe this man was just fucking pulling my fucking leg. I was feeling like this man was a fucking guy who was just trying to keep his secrets hidden, which I fucking hated more than anything else.

I fucking hated the fact that this man just probably felt like I was a fucking idiot, and he was feeling like it was just super fucking funny to be seeing me running around, and not fucking finding a single fucking clue, when that was all that I fucking wanted. So when I was thinking all that in my mind, I was just thinking that I needed to be respectful about how I was heading at this.

I was thinking that despite what I was wanting to admit, that maybe I had really been had. But I was telling myself that no matter what was happening, and no matter if I had been had or not, I was just needing to remember that maybe people were always going to tell me that I should be doing things differently. I would never even dream that he was the man behind this all. But he was a man who was willing to let it all slide, which was just as bad.

I would just be respectful about the next time that I was going to meet with those people, and the next time that I would speak with them, I was going to pretend like I was not going to be losing my fucking mind. Despite the truth of what I had been feeling, I was just thinking that I was needing to look for more true and irrefutable evidence. I was thinking that maybe I did deserve to give the guy this much. You know, give him a chance.

I was wondering who would have been willing to hear me out at all, and who was going to even tell me that they were really actually fucking imagining what I had been doing. They were going to tell me that while I might have been having a couple of good points, that I was just being too fucking hard to myself on this. That I was just going to just need to really at least bring it all together before I made conclusions.

In my honest opinion, it was hard not to be making conclusions, and I was feeling like if people were going to tell me off, I was needing to show them the blade, and when I was going to show them the blade, surely at least one of two of them would have actually listened to me, and not be acting like I was being a bit of a fucking loser.

Sorry, I know that if anybody is reading this, they might not like all the swearing. But my mind is going crazy, and I just have a impossible time even pretending like I had a filter right now. I guess that maybe I am just trying to act like this is all making sense, but in all honesty, perhaps none of this really had been making sense. None of this was going to be making any sense, and that was all that even mattered now.

I was getting out of my house, and this time, I was not even going to keep a mind on the control of what I was doing. I was going to be making a scene, but I was going to be making my point, and I was going to make sure that everybody was going to keep Carly and the others out of this shit. I mean, I was aware that Carly deserved something of the truth. But in that moment, there was absolutely nothing that I could do about it.

As I was walking along, I was getting ready to just try and pretend like what I was doing had been totally justified. Eventually though, before I was even able to find something that could have given me a excuse that what I was doing was wrong, there was a person pulling their car over. I was confused as to what this person was doing, but I knew that this man was wanting to talk with me. Given the fact that he made a clear effort to park next to me.

Once he had parked, this was when the man was rolling down his window, and then I was looking right at him, and I was feeling like there was no way that I was going to be able to get away with this if I was wanting to pretend that I never saw anything. If I had done this, he was going to instantly see through the shit, and I was just thinking that neither of us deserved it.

"Can you come inside, and we can talk for a bit?" The man asked, and when he asked me this, I was feeling like my entire mind was running at a million miles per hour. What did this man think was even worth speaking to me about? But I was then feeling like maybe he knew some answers to the questions that I was having in my mind, and that I just listen to him for a while.

I was thinking that despite all of the possible good that could have come out of it, that I just needed to be realistic, and that I needed to remember that this was a fucking terrible idea. That none of this was making any fucking sense, and that any person in the world with brain cells would have told us to not be doing this. But despite all of this, I decided that I needed to take the risk.

Once I was inside of the car, and I was looking right at him, I was seeing the man looking like he was shocked to actually see me go through with it, and he was shocked to be seeing me not actually try and run away from this. Then he was sighing, and felt like he needed to just start to speak with me.

"What are you wanting to talk to me about?" I asked, and I was seeing him looking just wanting to make sure that nothing was going to be exposed if I was going to try and talk with him. So with this, he was placing his fingers at his face, and then he was pulling something out of the glove compartment.

"My employer wants you to sign this. It is a non disclosure agreement, and that you must never tell anybody what we are going to be discussing right now." After he was telling me this, I was sighing, and I was feeling like this was a fucking terrible idea. I was not even going to be able to talk with him at all, and he must have known this, because there was no way that I was going to constantly lie to people every time that I spoke with them.

"So say on a purely hypothetical level, what if I did not agree with this idea?" I asked, and I was then feeling like saying something like this was a terrible idea, and even I was well aware that I was just not needing to say anything at all. I was needing to just not act like a total fucking idiot. But then he was sighing, and was trying hard to find something to say now.

"I think that my boss will not be willing to let something like this pass. He will kill you probably. The only way that you might be able to get away with this is if you walk out of the car right now." After the man told me this, I was then looking at the road ahead of us. I was scared out of my fucking mind and I was wondering what to even be saying now.

"Just give me a simple yes or no, but do you guys have any idea what is actually happening in the town at all?" I asked, and then he was looking like he was actually wanting to decide if something like this was a question that he would be allowed to answer. So he was just remaining silent, and I was just feeling like nothing else could matter.

-September 8 2020 2:46 pm- As much as I would not like to admit it, I basically skipped pretty much everything about school, and I was not really even all that worried about it. I was just more focused on something that I had felt like would have actually been a bigger deal. And that bigger deal was making sure that I knew what the source of this blade that I had seen was. I was feeling like maybe I could go on and maybe explain to my father what I had found.

I was calling up Michael's phone, and then I was wondering if he was willing to listen to me. I was thinking that perhaps if he was going to talk with me for a while longer. As I was waiting for the dial to finish up, Michael had answered the phone, and then I was thinking of what I could say to actually make him listen to me.

"Hey Gabe, what is on your mind around now?" After he asked me this, I was glad to hear that at least he was still sounding like he was in a decent mood. I was feeling like as long as he was in a decent mood, that the two of us were going to be able to connect for a while longer. "Did you do anything on your first day of school?"

"Fuck no. I probably should. I would rather suffer through the homework and get it over with than to suffer another year here. But I guess that I still have nine months to deal with that." I said, and then I was feeling like what I had said was just kind of strange. I mean, I was not actually believing that I was able to fucking talk about the school year right now, when I was not in the mood to talk about the school year at all.

"But I was going to that facility a couple of days ago, and I was just trying to see if I could gather some information here." I said, and then I was thinking that saying this to him was just going to be pissing him off. I was feeling like perhaps if Michael was wanting to berate me for my choice, that he just needed to get this over with, and not even pretend like he was supportive of this whole thing.

"Gabe, did you really think that you were actually going to find anything at all? Do you really think that those people were willing to actually act like they were going to give you anything?" Michael asked, and then I was sighing, not really in the mood to hear him constantly saying this.

"Okay, I get it. You were right. The guy refused to tell me anything. The entire time that I was talking with him, he was not giving me any fucking clues. But there was something that happened after I was done that you might be interested in hearing." I said, and then Michael was remaining silent for a moment longer, choosing what to feel.

"What happened?" Michael caved in, thinking that he would rather know the truth than to be lying, and pretending like there was nothing of interest here. "Do you feel like this is actually going to be something that will put us in danger." After Michael was telling me this, I was feeling like I was just needing to be actually considering what to feel.

"When I was about to leave, as if on fucking cue, the guy was placing in a call, and he was trying to get in contact with somebody. I was seeing this happen, and I was pretending like I did not notice, but I could swear that the man was seeing me looking at him, and I saw him giving me what was on par of a death glare. I mean, I think that something is happening right now." I said, and then I was shrugging, feeling like I was just needing to make some peace with this.

"Gabe, I think that for once, you really might need to just leave this whole thing alone. I mean, I get why you are wanting to fucking know why there is something about this. But I think that you are actually getting deep in this, and that you might have to consider your spot here." After he had said this to me, I was feeling like I had just needed to consider what he suggesting.

"I know that you are probably right. But there was also a guy that tried to talk with me last night." I said, and then I was wondering if Michael was going to scream at this, or just be taking it slowly, and accept what he had heard. "I mean, when I was talking with him, he was telling me that there was stuff he knew, as long as I signed a non disclosure agreement."

"Did you sign it, and did you learn anything at all?" After he had asked me this, I was sighing, and I was feeling like he was only asking a relatively fair question, and that he was having every right to fucking know what I was actually feeling now. "I mean, if you did, could you be breaking the fucking law?"

"I did not sign the agreement, and as far as I remember, I did not even have the discussion with him on any of this." I said, and then I was shrugging, and I was feeling like I was going to be leaving the subject alone, as long as he was not preassing any further with what I was feeling.

"So Gabe, do you feel like that now that you have people who are getting on your business on this, that you might really have some ideas on what is happening? Do you think that you are going to just give up that thing that you found, which might be for the best?" Michael asked, and while I did not want to say anything, I was considering it for a brief moment. But then I was remembering what things could have been if I did do this.

"I fucking can't. If I try and do something like this, then I am only going to be making things so much fucking worse. I think that if I try and give the man something, and if I try and give people what I found, then they will only be using this. So I feel like I just need to leave this alone. I think that I need to never even consider letting somebody have it." I was feeling like Michael was going to hate what I did, but that maybe he was going to see where I was coming from as well.

"I guess that as much as I hate to admit it, that you might be onto something here. I guess that maybe you are right here." Michael said, and then he was sighing, thinking that he was just going to have to find some things better to say. "But if you feel like there is such a certainty that something is happening, that maybe you might need to go on and leave it all behind?"

"I am not going to even fucking try and figure out what that guy is trying to speak to me about. I mean, I think that after all of this, maybe it might be best to leave it alone. I will still keep that thing I found in the forest, and I will still keep it away from people who might want to use it. I think that might be best. But aside from that, I am going to be doing my best to just move on." I said, and then I was shrugging, thinking that there was nothing I needed to say now.

"Well, I guess that if you just leave it alone for a while, then things might be fine, and you might be able to just give people a random feeling of uncertainty, and they might be willing to leave it all alone." After Michael was saying this, I was shrugging, feeling like I was needing to keep calm now.

"Thanks for talking to me now. I think that it really is best to just finally get this whole thing over with, and remember that there are some fucking fun events that we can just focus on. Even though I guess with Covid, not much can be done." I said, thinking that I was just needing to not even bring up that issue, but it was hard given our living situation.

"Thank god you're putting safety first." He said, and then I was sighing, feeling like if I did not do this, then I was only making things worse for everybody, and while I was never really anybody who made things better, I was never wanting to be a guy who just made people feel scared or wrong.

"Well, talk to you later." I said, and I was feeling like maybe if I was going to be honest, and if I was happy, then the entire thing would be over with. I was tired of being scared, and I was tired of having nothing to work with. I was done with this, and I was so tired of everything.

As I was looking at the ceiling of my room, I was walking out of the house a few minutes later when I thought about how fucking insane it all had been. I needed to just leave things alone, and I was aware that people were not going to be patient with this, and to be honest, I was feeling like this whole thing was just something that was a big fucking mistake right now.

Honestly, the whole issue was something that I should have never even brought up. I wanted to know shit, and I was trying to know shit, and by a result of this, I was only making things so much worse for everybody involved. The whole entire thing was going to be impossible to really move on from, but it was something that I needed to at least try and do.

I was tired of this whole fucking thing. And I was thinking that maybe I could just go to hanging out with some people, or just atch some mindless movies, or do some mindless shopping. I mean, I was thinking that as long as I was doing literally anything, things would have been fine. And I was thinking that my family would want this from me.

When I was getting close to the facility again, I was just deciding to ignore it, and pretend like I never went there, and I was wondering that maybe if I perhaps did this, and just pretended like nothing was going on, everything would have been fine. People would have not paid me a second mind, and I would just hang out with friends for a while longer. I was thinking that now it was finally time to meet up with Carly again. Since I had not done so in a while, and maybe it was fine now of all times.

I was thinking that if Carly was not going to enjoy the information I told her, that this would have been the true sign that I made a terrible mistake. I was hoping that if for nothing else, at least she was going to be willing to let things slide, and pretend like what I was doing was perfectly normal and fine.

Yeah fucking right. Even I was well aware that something like this was going to be fools fucking gold. But I was guessing that maybe I was just wanting to keep up the hopes that things were not going to be all that rough if we were just getting along. Regardless of if that was true or not, I guess that I would have to see her first.

Eventually, I was getting close to where she was living, and I was feeling angry at the way that I had been going through this whole thing. I then just decided to knock on her door, and then when she had answered the door, she had lookeed right at me, and I was seeing her looking fucking shocked to be seeing me here. I was feeling like after the last several day of not seeing her at all, that maybe this was fair.

"Hey Gabe, how are you doing?" She asked me, and then i was thinking that maybe she was not going to be having a big issue with this. I was sighing, and i was just telling myself that for her sake, she was just needing to have me work with her, and not be acting all shocked and sonfucsed and stuff.

"I am doing alright enough. I am just trying to find something that can keep me busy. I have been rather bored mostly." I said, and then I was shrugging, just trying to be funny about it all. The way she was looking right at me, was showing that she was aware that perhaps there was more to this than I was wanting to admit.

"Well, if you are here, and you are just trying to keep yourself busy, then I guess that maybe we could try and hang out for a bit." She said, and then I was seeing her looking like she was slightly warming up to the idea, and once I was here, and once her initial shock was over with, that perhaps we would be able to hang out, and just enjoy our time.

"Yeah, sorry that I have not taken the time to go on and hang out with you lately. I mean, I guess that I could have always just taken the time to go on and see how you were doing. But I was always just getting distracted, and I was just never really taking things too seriously." I said, thinking that as long as I was polite, and I was reasonable, and as long as we were working together, the two of us were going to put it aside, and not worry on it at all.

"It's okay Gabe. It really is not that big of a deal. I mean, you were probably rather fucking bsy with your own thing. I think that you are just needing to not be so hard on yourelf." She said, and then I was thinking that if she was aware of the truth, she would not be saying this at all. She would be stone cold if she was aware of the truth. But I was remaining silent now.

"Anyways, so have you been up to anything exicting lately?" She asked, and then I was thinking that this was where things were going to be coming to a head. Do I lie to her, and make her not aware of what I was dealing with, or do I stall out, and just keep up the bullshit? I really did not know at all.

"Probably nothing that you would be interested in." I said, and I was feeling like that was mostly true, and I was thinking and hoping that she was actually going to buy into it. I was thinking that maybe if I was going to preface this like that, then she might be able to actually not get angry at me if she did find out the truth.

"Alright, I guess that I will leave it alone." After she had said this, I was looking at her, and there was a moment of uncertainty that was going on in my mind. The way she was looking at me made me briefly wonder if she had already known, and she was just trying to be respectful about this whole thing. I would not put it past her, and that was the thing that was scaring the hell out of me.

"Well, I mean, I just like to do random little things here and there. And I think that if I try and explain them all to you, that sooner or later, you might lose some interest in it." I said, trying my best to be sounding casual and calm, and the longer that I had been working on it, the longer that I was thinking that surely she would buy into the fucking bluff.

"Anyways, so what do you think that you might want to do?" She asked and I was feeling like by now she was just trying to lighten up the mood, which I was totally cool with, and I was feeling like doing that would have helped me feel like things were slightly less awful to be dealing with.

"Maybe we can just hang out, and if you want to do something, maybe we can see if our classmates got some special event that we can jump in on to start our senior year." I said, so fucking glad that the torture was almost over, and I was thinking that in just about nine months, I was going to be out of that area, and I was never going to have to deal with anything like this anymore. I was probably not going to college, so the biggest thing that could challenge that was at least tempomarily behind me.

"Yeah I guess that this could be a lot of fun." She said, and she was letting the possibility of something like this being actually fun and cool running in her mind. Then she was looking right at me, and I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to possibly ask me something. But she kept it to herself, and did not mention anything. Which I did not know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. But it did make me feel better for now.

...

-September 8 2020 6:29 pm- Carly and I were sitting down on a bench in the middle of the down town area, and I was justthinking of the stuff that had been going on the last few days, and I was telling myself that it might be best to just come clean, and admit everything that I had been doing. And if she was goig to be angry, and if she was going to want to tell me to fucking stop doing all of this, then I would accept that, and hope that we could make up.

"So Carly, I was wanting to just talk to you for a bit, and maybe see if we could clear some things up, and get it over with." I said, and then I was looking right at her, hoping that beyond all hope that I was at least looking at this from a somewhat good perspective. She was looking right at me, as if confused what I was saying.

"There was something that I found a couple of days ago, and I was just wanting to know more and more about it. I was wanting to fucking know all about it. But I guess that I was just looking at things too deeply. And I was making some big fucking mistakes." I said, and then I was looking right at her, hoping that she was not going to be reacting all that awfully. Instead, she was looking confused for now.

"Gabe, what are you on about? Did you do something awful?" She asked, and then I was thinking about what she was asking, and then I was thinking normally for a second longer. I was actually thinking about if I was doing anything 'awful' and when I was looking at it in a certain way, I wasn't too sure.

"I guess that I would not say awful as much as just incredibly stupid." I said, and then I was looking right at her, hoping that she was not going to be having too much of an issue with what I was saying here. The way she was looking at me was showing that at least for now, she was having virtually no fucking issue with this.

"So you know all those myths and shit about monsters?" I asked, and I was well aware of how strange this whole thing must have sounded to her, and I was seeing from the look on her face right away, that she was feeling like I was clearly just trying to be funny to her. I was sighing, and felt like I just needed to go with this now.

"Gabe, those are stories from the past. You know, things that people thought that they saw. There is nothing but lies to them. I think that even you know this by now." After she had said this to me, she was looking right at me, and she was clearly looking like she was wondering if I was even going to be listening at all. I was shrugging, and I was thinking that this was her answer, right then and there.

"I would want to pretend like those are exactly what you say, stories of the past. But something came up, and there is no way that I am able to pretend like they are anymore." I said, and then I was looking at her, and she was clearly showing me a level of confusion, and borderline loss of interest, if I was to keep this up.

"I found something in town recently that I think will totally ruin this entire theory, and prove that at least parts of these stories are real." I said, and then I was looking at her for a few seconds longer, and she was sighing, and she was nodding, as if letting me have a chance to explain what I had been meaning.

"If you want to know more about it, I can show you sometime later tonight, or tomorrow." I said, hoping that she was going to be fine with this offer, and that the faster thats he would accept the offer, the faster we could have this discussion, and the faster that we were able to get this whole thing over with.

"Sure, I mean, I am kind of curious what has been driving you so insane right now with this." She said, and then I was looking down, not wanting to hear that. Feeling like hearing that was the worst thing that she could have said. But then with this, I was nodding, feeling like in her mind, this whole thing was making no fucking sense, and that in my mind, if I was the one listening to this, then I might be the one looking like I had been told a story that was making no fucking sense.

"Just make sure that no matter what you find, you do not tall to anybody outside of our friend group on this. Keep this entire thing to us, and we will be all fine and stuff." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and she was clearly looking like what I was saying was just fucking insane, and that I was going to need to suddenly start making sense, or at least just come clean right now why I wanted her to keep this secret.

"Okay, if you say so. I mean, I don't really get the point. But if you are so worried about it, I guess that maybe I will leave it alone." Carly said, and she was almost looking like she had wanted to find something else could discuss here right now. I was then seeing Carly looking as if she had so many fucking things that she had desired to say, but had no way of being able to say it.

"Gabe, are you being honest with me right now?" She aked me, and then I was looking right at her, and I was wondering what she was meaning when she was telling me this. I was sighing, and I was thinking that I deserved something better than this. I was many things. I was a crazy dude, I was a idiot, and I was often times a man who needed to actually think with his mind than his heart. But I was not a liar, no matter how much I wanted to be.

"I mean, I wish that I was lying to you right now. That would be making things so much easier. But I can't lie to you, no matter how much I wish that I was." I said, and I was looking right at her, and I was hoping that she was not offended by what I had said. I was thinking that since my point was now made, we could be able to move on now.

"Shit, it must be really bad if you wish that you were lying." She said, and then she had looked at me, and I was seeing her looking like she was wishing to say more. She was clearly wanting to ask a couple of other questions, but knew that I was probably not really in the mood for it at all.

"Now that you are starting to understand it a bit better, are you willing to take it a bit more seriously?" I asked bluntly, and I knew as soon as I said that I would regret it. But at the moment, I was not going to be taking any shit. At that moment, I was just wanting to see where her loyalties lay, and see if she was wanting to actually help.

I could even see the look on her face looking clearly attacked as I was saying this, and the moment that I was telling her this, I was wondering what my issue was, and I was wondering if I should even be given the right to be friends with her. Or if I was just being given a honor that should have never been mine. But then I was thinking of what to do here at the moment.

"Sorry, I was just in a heat of the moment. I said something that I should have never said." I said, and I was hoping that this was going to be enough to make the point that I never wanted to do anything to hurt her feelings. She was slowly nodding, as if feeling like maybe that apology would have to do.

"But as I was saying before hand, this is not a lie. I wish that it was a lie, and I wish that I was just messing around with you, but that will never be the case, no matter how much I try to make it so. I just think that I need to find a way to make this whole disaster a little bit less awful." After I said that to her, I was looking right at her, hoping that now that I made my apology, we could move on and work on something better here

-September 9 2020 4:29 pm- I had been thinking of the best way that I could reveal what I had found to Carly, since that was now the only thing that really mattered. Once I was done revealing it, and when we got it over with, I was thinking that surely we were going to be on good terms again. But then again, after I was done with the reveal, how was she going to react to the truth of these weapons and stories?

I mean, that was the main reason I wanted to be hiding the truth from her. The truth was going to be brutal, and I was aware of it. I was somebody going through it all, and I was somebody who had to deal with it on a daily fucking basis. And when I was considering this very strongly, I was thinking about if this was why dad never told my other siblings and I. Because of how fucking insane this whole thing was sounding.

But then I was telling myself that he did not mean to have this be something he never told us. I was thinking that maybe he was either not aware, or he was just doing his own thing. I was convinced that perhaps I was giving him too much shit. I was needing to give him more credit than he was getting.

When I was sitting down on at my front steps, this was when Michael was walking up to me. When he was seeing me, I was seeing that there was a small part of him that was just wanting to get this whole thing away. He was looking like he was thinking that if we must talk about this, that we must just do it real quick, but that he was aware that none of us were wanting to discuss it at all.

"Hey Gabe, how have you been lately?" He asked, and I was just seeing him looking like he was wanting to so badly put it all behind us. I was then looking at him, and I was seeing that he was just desperate to be hearing my side of the conversation. I was then smiling, thinking of recapturing what was once had.

"I am doing alright. You know, just trying to get something in my mind about senior year." I said, thinking that for both our sakes, I was going to lie about the actual stuff that I was thinking of. Then I was thinking of what to tell him now. "Hey, do you have anybody that might like to hang out with us?" I asked, trying to make it seem like the two of us were going to be able to talk on something we might enjoy more.

"Oh yeah, senior year. I guess that I could have some people that you could be able to hang out with, if you are interested in such a thing." After he had said that to me, he was smiling at me, and he was wanting to see what I could have done now. "But whatever you want to do just make sure you bring up none of that stuff to them"

"Okay, I get it. I mean, I think that you do not have much to worry about with that anymore." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was seeing Michael looking like he was feeling so much better for everything that had been going on, and that now that we were not talking about that other thing, we could pretend to be in a decent mood.

"I am sorry that I have been doing stuff that you are not very comfortable with." I said, and then I was shrugging, and I was thinking that the longer that he and I were talking, and the longer that I was going on and appeasing him, the better that everything was going to be.

"But in all seriousness, who do you think that you would like me to meet?" I asked, and then he was looking right at me, and I was seeing him coming back to some form of a normal stature. "I mean, I want to spend at least some time in my senior year doing something that I know that I will be able to enjoy, and not worry about everything going on." I said, and then Michael was looking super fucking impressed with me right now.

"Yeah, go ahead, and be shocked at me wanting to do something different with my life…" I said, and then I was looking at him for a second longer, and I was wondering what else we were even going to be discussing in the first place. I was then trying to find something that Michael was going to help me with.

"What is making you look at things so differently this year?" Michael asked, and I was feeling like that was a valid enough question. I was feeling like I just needed to give him a fucking chance, no matter how much the whole thing was going to be relatively hard to deal with. "I mean, stuff like this was impossible to imagine you doing back in freshman year."

"I think about all the stuff that I have been missing out on, and I fucking hate having nothing ahead of me. I am just tired of always being in the fucking middle. You know, I think that when you deal with stuff like this, and when you deal with the idea that people are always doing stuff that you should be doing, but that you are too fucking scared to have the fucking courage to do so, I think it makes a lot of sense." After I told Michael this, I was feeling like I could leave it all alone, just wanting to move on.

"I don't know. I mean, I know you are not liking me bringing this thing that I found up, but I am going to for the sake of making my point. You know, I think that maybe just seeing that brought up some awareness that I was needing to have I was starting to realize that I want to have a life that I love. And if these things really are happening here, that might be hard." I said, thinking that the honesty was all that mattered now.

"Okay, I think that you made your point. I just thought that it was strange was all." He was saying, and then he was looking right at me, and then I was thinking of the fact that our idea of having a big friendship, was going to be a fucking big ass goal. One of these days, I was going to help Michael out with his own things.

"Hell, I am even planning on starting to date somebody this year." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was now seeing Michael looking fucking shocked at the fact that I was saying this. But when he was accepting what I had been saying, and when he had been thinking of what I could have been meaning now, I was then seeing him finally calming down, and there was that part of him that was thinking of how to get me ready for one.

"Are you telling the truth on that? If you are, then that would be great, and I think that almost everybody here would feel like it would be time for you to at least try and make something like this work." He was saying, and then I was standing up, and I was feeling like there was virtuall no fucking reason to continue thid discussion. I was feeling like we had both made our points, and that we were not needing to be beating the dead horse anymore.

"Yes, I am telling the truth. I think that after all of the missed chances, and after all of the annoyance that I had to deal with, that I am done with this. I am going to just fucking try and capture some good times with my friends." I said, and then I was thinking that there was virtually nothing that I could do now. We were walking down the road, and then Michael was looking like he was clearly wanting to say something else now.

"So, Carly was telling me that you were planning on telling her something. She was rather confused by the whole thing, and she was clearly wanting to talk to you about this before you forget." Once Michael said this, he was looking like he was wishing to just see if this was true. But he was aware that this was none of his business.

"Yeah, I was planning on telling her the truth of what I found. But for now, I am starting to already second question myself, and I am already telling myself that something like this is a bad idea." After I told him this, he was looking right at me, and I was seeing that Michael was just wishing to not be too bothersome with his fears.

"Why do you keep being afraid to just tell people what is going on? I mean, it is really not my business, so I need to be leaving you alone. But for now, I am just feeling like I am needing to try and make some sense out of it." When he was done speaking this, I was feeling like this was the closest to attacking me that he was getting, and I was feeling guilty.

"I am just afraid that if I do something like this, then people are going to be not wanting to hang out with me anymore. I mean, such a thing would be fucking terrible, and I would hate it." I said, and then when I was done speaking this, I was feeling like there was virtually nothing else to say at this rate.

"I guess that maybe something like this makes some sense. That being said, I just wish that I could be able to talk to you about these things better. I mean, I just think that not speaking the truth, and not letting people know if going to be a big fucking mistake." Once he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was just wishing to be seeing where I was coming from. "I just think that if I look at things normally, I can sort of see it both ways."

"I guess that maybe there is a small amount of truth to this. But there is nothing that I can fucking do about it. I think that you are aware of this." I said, and I was aware that he was not going to be seeing my point. He knew that I was just bullshitting, and making excuses. I knew this, and I knew that I was needing to be giving him a better treatment now.

"Do you believe that if you are going to talk to Carly, that she genuinely might not want to be friends with you? I mean, I don't want to consider it, but I guess that maybe there is a small chance that something like this can go down." After Michael was telling me this, I was seeing him shaking his head, and I was seeing him wanting to think that Carly was better than this.

"I mean, I think that it is not super likely. But I think that I am going to have to consider the ideas of this happening. And that is the only thing that is in my mind. All of the ideas and outcomes that I am just really getting ready for." I was saying, and then I was shrugging, thinking that there was officially no more that I needed to be saying to this now.

When we were getting near the high school, I was looking right at Michael, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to at least consider where he was coming from right now. I was wanting to see what his evil plans were. But I had no idea how to do this.

"What the hell are we doing, going to the school again?" I asked and then I was seeing him looking like he was not wanting to have me attack him too much. He was then looking at the building, just thinking on what to do right now. "Sorry, I just don't really see the point of it." I said, and then I was thinking about what to do now.

"I was thinking that maybe we could go on and meet some people here, and that if you look around hard enough, you might be able to make some friends now." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him truly unsure of what we were going to do now. I was truly unsure of what the hell was even the point now.

"I mean, I doubt that anybody will be here on their own free will. But I guess that if there is anywhere we can look, this is a place that could make sense." He was saying, and he was truly unsure of what his point even was now. So he was just willing to remain silent.

We were walking along, and there was almost nothing that I even felt the needed to say now. The entire thing was just sort of confusing. I was wanting to pretend like we were doing alright, but I was just thinking that we were taking things a bit too seriously. I saw that there was a small group of people in the track area.

"Okay, I guess that I was wrong about this one." I said, and then I was seeing Michael smiling, as if always getting some form of satisfaction in knowing that he was right on these things. I was sighing, and I was feeling like he was not needing to rub this whole thing in my face anymore.

"Why don't we try and hang out with them? I mean, please don't try and be strange about it all, but I am sure that they are willing to talk with you." After Michael said this, I was feeling like the man was trying too hard to get me to do something, and I was wondering if he was actually having some plans here. But I was refusing to say anything at all.

"Yeah sure, I guess that we might as well just see what is going on." I said, and then I was thinking that maybe the man would want to talk with me. I was thinking that Michael might have known these people earlier, and that was the main reason he was wanting to have me do this in the first place. And that if it was anything else they would not have been even remotely having a interest in it at all.

As we were going to those people, I was feeling like michael better be telling me the truth, or else I was going to be looking like a fucking idiot, and I would be furious with him. But I guess that maybe he might have wanted to help me out. That was the only thing that was keeping me calm, and not having any fears here.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" The small group asked me, and then I was stopping, and I was thinking that the question was a great one. I was then looking right at Michael, and I was then wondering if he had been thinking about this at all. He was looking at me, as if feeling like maybe he can do this part of me.

"We were planning on going to hang out at the track, but it looks like you guys are already here. If it is something that you would prefer we do, we can go right back, and we can leave you alone." After he had said that to the other group, there was a small moment of silence, and I was feeling like this was a waste of time.

"Well, I guess it all depends on what you were doing." One of them said, and then as I was thinking about just leaving, when one of them was calling out to me, and he was pulling me out of this whole thing. I looked at him, uncertain of what to say.

"Did you know about Bridgette?" The guy asked, and I remembered who she was, since we went to school together. I was not getting the point of this though, so I was looking right at him. Most of his friends seemed to collectively roll their eyes at this, and were not very excited for the fact that their friend was bringing this up again.

Despite this, I was looking right at him, and I was feeling like I just needed to at least hear his story out, and see if he was going to actually tell me anything. After I nodded, he was taking that as a cue to start talking again. "So she was the one that went missing a couple of weeks ago. I don't know how well you guys knew her or whatever, but I thought that maybe you might have wanted to know." He said, and after he had said that, he was looking at Michael and I, as if waiting to see our reaction to this.

"Shit, I was not wanting to know about who it was." I said, and then I was looking at him, now suddenly aware of the fact that with a life tied to the grinding noise this time, there was really no way that I would have been able to get away with this. I was now brutally aware of what her family must be going through, and that was a fact of my life now.

"How do you know this?" I asked, trying to be civil about this, and aware that he was probably meaning nothing by it. But I was just needing to know what the hell the connection was, and I was wanting to see if he was bullshitting me or not. The next response ruined any doubt, and I was hating it so much.

"She was my neighbor. I know a lot about it." He said, and I was hearing a minor tint of annoyance to this, as if he was not wanting to have people question him for what he had known. I was not wanting to make him feel like this, I was just feeling totally unsure of how to be going at this whole thing, and I was wanting to have some more clues now.

"Sorry about that. I am sure that you probably knew her pretty well." After Michael said this, trying to console the guy, in case he was needing it, the other guy was brushing it off, as if thinking that such a thing was not needed. Like he had made his peace with the whole thing already, and was now just a relayer of the message.

"I think that just telling everybody I can is able to help out with this whole thing." He said, and I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to try and say more, and he was just trying to be making it look like he was doing well. But the entire time that he was thinking on it, the more and more that he was feeling like there was nothing for him to say.

"I mean, for all that I know, she might have had some friends who never knew the truth, and that they are just needing to know, for the sake of making peace." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking at his friends, and I was seeing that on the look on his face, that he was already kind of losing interest in this discussion.

-September 10 2020 10:29 pm- I was tired and everything that I had been thinking about was basically telling me that whatever those people were wanting to tell me about with that one girl who went missing recently, I was going to just have to see what he was feeling. Maybe if I was going to speak with him for a while, he might be able to describe to me what the girl was like.

I was then seeing that Todd was looking like he was having the time of his life talking with Bebe right now on his phone, and I was sort of jealous of what he was able to accomplish, and I was telling myself that once this whole thing was starting to wear down a little bit, I might be able to try and find somebody that I might want to have a date with.

I was standing up, and now at this point in time, I was just sort of tired of everything, and I was not wanting to be in the same room as what my brother was doing, and the fact that my brother was always so fucking happy, and that no matter what was going on, nothing I could do would change this. I wished that he would like me more, and I wished that he would have told me more.

Once I was out of the room, and I was getting near the fucking front door of the house, I was seeing that both of my parents were really happy, and that they were both sort of just getting along with the fact that they were truly making their family all work out. I was sort of really taking in the fact that they were meaning it this time when they say that they were done having siblings this time. Just the certainty on their face.

Eventually, I was walking out of the house before either of them would know what the heck I was doing. I was sighing, and I was starting to feel like if there was a chance that I was going to make my parents and younger siblings happy, and make them aware that I was not wanting to make anything happen to them, I was just going to do whatever the hell I would to make things better for them. And I was going to be proud of it all.

I would try and see if Michael was willing to talk with me now, knowing what we had witnessed. I was sort of feeling like maybe that was going to be a bit strange, and part of me was thinking that even if he was wanting to talk with me, he was not going to be doing it so soon, and that he was going to want to have some time pass before he was feeling like he might have the courage to actually go on and see what the real issue actually was.

As annoying as something like this might have been, I was sort of seeing where he was coming from, and I was sort of willing to admit that he was having a level of validity to be feeling the way that he had been. That was the only thing that I was sort of telling myself over and over again, as I thought on it better.

I was feeling like if for nothing else, I might as well go on and see what the hell this guy from earlier was going to do. I was remembering the phone number he handed me before we left that day, and I was feeling like I just needed to go on and give him a fucking chance. I was pulling out the phone, thinking on what to say in the text.

"Hey, it's Gabe. I was wanting to see if there was anything that you were willing to tell me about the stuff that you knew with that girl you said went missing recently." I said, and then after that, I was sending the text, and I was already starting to think on how fucking silly I was sounding with this, and I was telling myself that I just needed to be thinking about what I was going to accomplish by having this discussion in the first place. I was wondering if he was even wanting to give me a chance at all.

I was starting to remember those guys who were trying to pull me over, and trying to kill me, and force me to not tell anybody a damn thing if I actually found out more truth of this whole town. I was well aware that they were clearly just trying to hide something, and I was desperately hoping that they were not going to hide from the bullshit in the first place.

Maybe when I was at the school track, people might just be thinking that I was some radom teenager doing some random stuff, and might not be thinking on it at all. I was feeling like that would have been the best thing that I could have actually accomplished. There was virtually no other way that I would have accomplished something such as those guys leaving me all alone. I wondered if they would have suspected that I was just hiding though.

I was reminding myself that I just needed to chill the fucking hell out if I was going to be going at this whole thing now. I was shrugging, not even thinking that what I was feeling would have been all that reasonable. I was thinking that in a way, I was just kind of being a asshole, for no real reason.

Once I was at the track field, I was looking around, and seeing that there was nobody around at all. I was so fucking happy to know that when I was alone, there was some level of relative certainty to the fact that I was just thinking that I was being a bit too harsh with this. I was shaking my head, and I was wondering what the heck this guy would have said in the first place.

"Oh hey, I was not expecting you to actually want to talk to me about something like this. I never thought that you would have had any interest..." There was a silence after that, and I was thinking that I was just needing to have a better idea on how I was going to speak any further. I was shrugging, thinking that maybe if I was going to try and talk with him, I was needing to have a polite way of continuing this.

"Sorry, I never got your name, I don't believe... Would you be willing to tell me your name?" I asked and I was thinking that perhaps once I was getting to know him, and see what he was trying to accomplish, maybe he would just tell me, and then we could have a real discussion. But the longer that I had been thinking on this, I was wondering what he actually knew.

"Yeah, my name is Jackson. But now that we are here, do you have any real interest on getting to know some stuff about her?" Jackson asked, and I was uncertain if I was actually wanting to know more about her, or if I was just wanting to know more about if he was aware of what was going on with this town. I was just feeling like once I knew if he was going to give me some clues, I would finally make some real progress.

But I was feeling like if I was going to have any fucking chance on getting to get him on my side, I was going to have to pretend like she was the only thing that I cared about. Which was not the truth. But I guess it did not really matter. I was thinking that if I would go through some relatively boring information, I could be able to get to something much more interesting, and something that I was needing much more.

"Yeah, sure, if you are willing to tell me about her or whatever, you can. I thought that you barely knew her?" I asked, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to see what he was wanting to tell me. I was starting to feel like perhaps he was lying to me. Or at least not showing me the entire story.

"I never got to know her as much as I would know somebody who was going to school with me. But I talked to her sometimes." After Jackson told me this, I was thinking that he was a strange guy, and I was feeling like perhaps he was needing to step back on his fucking story, and that if he was lying, he just needed to confess, and not be giving me any more bullshit. But then I was telling myself that I needed to give him a greater chance here.

"Alright, sorry. I guess that it is not really all that important what you were saying. I was just thinking that I needed to see what you could say." I said, thinking that maybe I could have left it alone at this, and almost felt like I might have needed to leave this whole thing alone. I was tired of this, and I was just wanting to get this whole thing over with.

"Well, she was telling me about some people that she had been seeing lately, and some people that she felt like were making her uncomfortable. People that she was thinking were wanting something with her." Jackson said, and then I was actually shocked by this, and I was feeling like I was needing to know more about what he was thinking here. But then I was looking over my shoulder, and I was seeing one of those cars coming along again.

"Do you know anything about the black cars in town that sometimes come along?" I asked, not even caring who out of nowhere it was sounding, and I was hiping that he was willing to just tell me what he had known, if anything at all. I was feeling like maybe I was just needing to fucking stall this whole thing out longer. These people were some of the only people that actually still scared me, as silly as it might sound to admit.

"Not really. What does that have to do with anything?" Jackson responded less than fifteen seconds after I had sent him the question, and then I was standing up, and I was starting to walk along, and I was just thinking that maybe getting away from here would have sufficed enough. I was smiling at how smart that I was actually being right now. I was actually thinking that maybe this guy would not know what I was doing, and would not actually try and stop me, or try and see what I was doing.

"I have been seeing them a lot lately, and I think that they are starting to think that I am onto something right now." I said, and then I was thinking that perhaps he might be thinking that what I was doing was strange. The only thing that I could accomplish right now was just getting my mind off of the fact that these cars were onto me again, right when I was talking with somebody now.

"What the hell would they even care about with you?" Jackson asked, and then I was feeling like what he had asked was a relatively innocent question, and that I just needed to try and pretend like what he was asking me was not all that strange right now. "Gabe, is there something that you are hiding from people?"

"Not at all. I am trying to figure out some of the things here, and i just feel like talking with people here might be able to help clear some confusion up right now. I just feel like those black cars are at least somewhat related to this." I said, and then I was thinking that perhaps if I was going to get him to listen, he was not going to be too angry with me.

Before another text was able to be read or sent, this was when the car was getting close to me, and I was wondering what was worse. Compiling with him, and just listening to him, or telling him off, and just walking further and further away. I was thinking that neither one of them were going to be worth it.

I was then feeling like with the first, all that I needed to do was pretend like I was oblivious to this, and that I just needed to tell them that I had nothing, and then they would have left me alone. But with the second, they were going to get really into my business, and try and figure out why I ran away from him in the first place. And that was even fucking worse than anything else.

When he was looking right at me, and I was seeing him just looking like he was really happy to be seeing me atcually not try and get away, and that he was seeing me work with him for the time being. He was feeling like with the way that he was talking with me, that he was going to break through to me.

"Hey Gabe, I was wondering if we could be able to talk with each other for a little bit?" After he asked me this, I was sighing, and then I was getting in the car, and then I was staring at him. I was feeling like I just needed to talk with him, and that with talking to him, maybe he was not all that bad of a guy, and he would be willing to speak with me why he was accomplishing this at all.

"What the fucking hell do you want?" I asked, and I was not even caring what he was going to be telling me, and I was not even caring if he was going to be pissed at me for reacting at him like this. I just wanted to go home, and I was just wanting to see where this was going to go, and I was going to make it perfectly clear that I was not messing around here.

"I was just wanting to see if you were having any interest in what we were researching, and I was wondering if perhaps I could be able to help you out right now?" He asked me, and then I was looking right at him, appalled that he was asking like this, and I was aware that he was clearly on the intent on just luring me over, and pretending like he was going to be my ally. Which fucking pissed me off more than anything.

"Do you think that you will be able to help my colleagues and I on some information gathering that we have been going on lately?" The man asked me, and I was feeling like that was going to be a rather tall order, and that I wanted nothing to do with this. I was feeling like he was asking for the one thing that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with. "I mean, I am sure that you would want to know about this town, right?"

"I would like to know more. But I am not going to be getting into fruitless adventures if I am not sure of my own personal safety of it as well." I said, feeling like what I was saying was a fair and objective answer. "Listen, I mean, I understand that you probably feel liek you are doing something of good faith, and I understand that you are wanting to possibly help me out on some regard. But I just have a feeling that the two of us have different ways of going at this, and I think that our ways are never going to be fully aligned." I said, just thinking that if I worded it enough, we were going to be fine.

"Well, I am sure that my boss will be able to helo you out find something that can appeal to both of us. But if you are having no interest in something like this for now, and you have already made up your mind, I will respect your choice, and I will relay the message to my boss." After the man was saying this to me, I was feeling like there was something that I was indeed wanting to know more about. Even though I was hating to admit it.

"What if your boss like? Do you think that if I tried hard enough, he would be willing to work with me?" I asked, feeling like as much as I hated to admit it, that maybe I could find something to do to work with him, and I would feel like maybe I could be able to find something that was going to give both of us at least some level of common ground now.

"I think that if you want to go on and see what he is like, and see if you can work with him, you are going to have to fucking meet him in person. I think that meeting him in person is the only way to fully grasp what heis true intentions are." He said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was well aware that this was something that I wanted nothing to do with. I was seeing that in the look on this mans face, that he was using this as one final attempt to lure me into whatever they were doing.

"I will think about it." I said, lying through my teeth about it. But I was feeling like the lie was going to have to do, and that maybe he was going to be able to buy it for the time being, which would be wonderful.

"I think that my boss would be very much willing to hear your concerns out if you are willing to give him a chance." After he had said that to me, I was looking right at him, and I was feeling like I just needed to debunk that bullshit right now. The way that he had said that with such fucking confidence pissed me the fucking hell off. There was no way this guy was going to support me, no matter what was happening.

"I know that you really want me to do thism and I am not even sure why you care so much what I am doing here. I feel like I should have the choice to not do this if I have no real desire to do this. But I guess that maybe this is all a matter of opinion." I was telling him, and then I was looking out the window, thinking that now that I had started to speak my point, he was going to surely respect at least some of it a bit better.

"I guess that for tonight, this might really be the best that I am going to get. I am a bit saddened by this, but I will respect where you are coming from." After the man said that to me, I was seeing him looking like even he was just sort of accepting the fact that there was no way that any changes were going to be made. Then with that, he was looking ahead at the road.

"All that I can say is that I hope that one day, we will be able to bury this feeling of anger and confusion, and we will be able to work together, and make things better for us all. I wish that you can be able to give me this much." After he had said this to me, I was then thinking of what he was wanting to tell me. I was thinking that I was needing to give him some more credit if this was the way that he was looking at things.

"I think that something like this is very much desired with all of us. But I guess that for now, we do not need to be going any furthr on this. Thank you for understanding where I am coming from. Or at least pretending to understand it all. It makes me feel like there is more to this than I gave you credit for." I was saying, and then I was thinking about what my friends and I were going to do once we were home.

I left the car, and I was not even giving this man a chance to speak with me longer, and I was going to be making it very clear that as long as we were going to be far away from each other, the better we were going to be getting along here. I was taking out my phone, and I saw a message from less then thirty seconds ago.

When I saw the message, and I was heading home, I was taking a second to think about the mistakes that I had already made. "Hey Gabe, did something happen to you? You haven't responded in nearly twenty minutes?" After I saw that Jackson sent me this, I was sighing, and had nothing to say now.

"I was talking with the guy who was in one of those black cars." I said, and then I sent the message, feeling that if I refused to go any further on this, then he might have been able to leave it alone. I was feeling like he did not need to worry himself with anything else, and I was thinking that in a way, I was actually doing something right now.

I was half way to my house again, when Jackson was responding again. "Are you sure that was a good idea, after all you said?" The question was coming off as sounding sincerely scared, and I was wondering if maybe he was already caring more about this than he was wanting to admit. I was laughing at this prospect, but I refused to admit it, since I knew that he might not want to really hear it at all.

"I guess that it was something that I felt like I had to do." I sent the text, and then I was leaving it alone for another few minutes, and i was thinking that if I stopped this right now, and did not mention anything else, then I might have been doing better. I was thinking that staying away from Jackson, and this entire conversation, was going to be giving me some time to actually be thinking about what I was getting myself into. I was telling myself to please fucking be smart about this whole thing for once in my entire life. If such a thing was even possible.

Once I was getting close to my house, I was wondering if any of this was going to be making any real sense. I was wondering if this man was actually really aware of what I was feeling, and if he was actually finding some enjoyment out of me being scared, and if this was something that he was wanting to witness. I was wondering if maybe this was all part of the fucking plan.

Eventually, I was near my house, and then I was thinking about what possible group must have even been running this whole thing. I was thinking that if I was going to figure that one out at least, then perhaps I might have been able to make some fucking game plan, and that maybe I might have been able to figure out if any of this was dangerous, or if I was just being a big fucking over dramatic dude.

When I was going inside, I was then seeing one final message from Jackson before I decided that I was going to go to sleep. "Are you thinking that they might be onto you? If this is actually part of something?" After he asked me this, I was sighing, and I was thinking that no matter what he was going to tell me, he was going to not be fully satisfied with me, and he was going to feel like I could have come up with a better response.

"I guess that I just have to wait and see. You know, I guess that I want to just see what to do now. But I think that I might need to really put this aside. I mean, school does exist after all." I was done with this, I was sighing, and then I was feeling like that was all that I needed to say. All that I wanted to say, and all that I felt like I could have said in order to fucking make my point when going forward at this whole thing.

Once I was done, i was seeing that there was Josiah sitting down in the main family living room, and he was looking like he was working on his music. I was sighing, and I was feeling like I was needing to pick up on something like this myself. You know, just to distract me for a while longer. But I was wondering if distractions were even for the best, considering all that I had fucking known.

He was looking at me, and I was seeing that he was clearly wanting to ask something, and that he was clearly wanting to know more, and see if perhaps I might have been honest with this. But then he was sighing, and I was thinking that perhaps he was going to just give up on the this whole idea. Knowing that it was not even going to matter anymore.

"Why were you out so late?" Josiah asked, and then I was thinking about the question he asked, and even I was wondering if I was going to have a valid answer. I mean, all that I did was get myself in trouble. I mean, part of me was wanting to investigate more, and part of me was just wanting to pretend like I was finding something out. But I think everybody knew what I was wanting and I could get was totally bullshit.

"I guess that I just needed a night walk." I said, thinking that while this answer was stupid and he was not going to buy it, I was thinking that maybe he was going to fucking listen to me, and he was going to actually want to leave it alone. I was seeing that from the look on his face, that his mind was really fucking reeling with ideas on what to say.

"I guess that I don't need to know anything too much. I mean, it really is none of my business." After he had said that to me, I was shrugging, and I was pissed at the fact that I had done all of that, and then learned nothing at all. I was feeling like I just wasted so much fucking time wanting to do something, and then got none of it done.

"I think that one day, I might be willing to tell you more. Depends on how much I get in the mood for this." I said, and then I was feeling that something like this could make him leave me alone. I was tired of this, and I was tired of people feeling like they needed to know so much more, when in all honesty there was no need to.

"Alright. I mean, I know that none of it is really going to matter." He said, and then he was shurgging at this, and at this point, I was seeing that he was clearly finding this whole thing strange. I was sighing, and I was feeling like I just needed to really strongly work on my social skills, to not be making him think that I was being stupid.

"Just don't anything too stupid. Don't want to have to repeat senior year, right?" I heard him ask, and to be honest, him asking me this question was just going to be the one thing that I was going to have to think deeply about. I mean, I didn't want to. But I guess I was letting the prospect of it sink in for a bit.

"Yeah, I sure as fucking hell have no desire to do something like that." I said, and then I was shrugging, pissed at this story, I was pissed everybody wanted me to be doing stuff some certain way. But I was sure as hell having no fucking desire to be doing school anymore, and that was the only thing that I was relatively certain of right now.

So with that, there was no reason to talk. We were willing to leave it alone. I was feeling like I was we were just going to focus on what was going to be making school work out better for us all. You know, with us being in high school for a year together, so whatever I did this year was going to impact him the next three years.

Chapter Text

-Josiah's POV Dec 2 1993 3:15 am- I was about to head asleep at a dangerously late time that night, and not give a shit what people would be telling me right now. I was too tired to give a shit what people were going to be saying about me. I was also too focused on my music to give a shit on the idea of going to bed at good times. I felt like if I did not do something like this, then I would be going crazy, and I could never understand what is going on here. I had felt like I just needed to know what my brother was planning.

The last several days, I have been put over the edge on knowing how my second oldest brother was reacting. He was clearly lying to us on something. I did not know what it was, and some people would tell me it was not really anything that I needed to care about. But the truth was that I cared way too much to just simply be brushing it off. I was feeling like I just needed to know the truth. I needed to know what the hell was going on with him, and he could just tell me what is happening, and I could help him.

I was feeling like I just needed to know what I was missing, and as a result, I will be able to help him out. I was feeling like the help he was going to get by me simply just being patient was going to be the only thing that would keep him feeling like he would trust me. The only thing that I cared about in a way, which may be impossible.

I was feeling like as long as I knew the answers, I would be fine. I was going to put it all behind me. That was going to be fucking hard to do though. First I needed to get the answer. Once I would get the answer, I would need him to understand that I did not hate him. That I wanted to help him, and maybe by doing this, he might be able to sort of feel like I was going to be there to at least try and make him feel a little bit better.

Despite all that I had been feeling, there was something in my mind that I did not know. Something that I was not even wanting to consider, but that I was feeling more and more like I just needed to truly look at. The more that I felt like I just truly needed to finally come up with a answer on how to be getting him to talk with him.

I saw him coming home in the middle of my mind monologue, and I wanted to speak with him. I wanted to get him to speak with me, and see what the heck he was going to say to me to make me feel better. I was seeing him looking much too tired though right now, and I knew that no matter what I was feeling right now, that I could not force him to tell me anything right now. I was just telling myself that I needed to remain quiet for the time being.

I was wanting to speak with him. So I was feeling like maybe I was going to just slowly get up, and slowly reach to him. Maybe when I force him to talk with me, and see what he was going to try and tell me, then I would be able to have some idea on what was going on. I was standing up, and I was feeling like I would try and speak with him, and see what he was going to be saying, and if he was going to be reaching out to me a bit more if I just simply made myself more open in a way.

I wanted to try that. So with that, I was getting myself out of the bed, looking right at Seth, who was well asleep and a much better man than I was on that regard, and then I was sighing, feeling better about the fact that at least some members of this family were not affected by the way that this whole thing was going on. I was then walking to the door, and then as I was at the door of my room, I was seeing Gabe looking by, and he was seeing me, and I knew that he was clearly not wanting to do something like this right now. That I was only going to make things worse for him.

As I was seeing him give me this look, I was looking at him as long as I could, to see if I could be able to get some information from him while not pushing him in a way. "Hey Gabe, if you are wanting to talk with me on this, I would be more than happy to give you a chance to talk with what is bothering you right now." I said, and then I was seeing him looking directly at me, and I was seeing him looking clearly conflicted on what he was going to be saying right now.

I was seeing him looking like he was trying to decide what to be telling me, as if he was feeling like his reaction was going to be making things even worse for everybody. As if he was feeling like he was going to be coming off as a disgrace if he was to tell me the truth of what was happening.

But as I was looking at him, I was clearly seeing that he was conflicted. Something in him wanted to talk, no matter how much he may be lying, and how much he might be wanting to tell me off. "I know that you are bothered by something right now, and I am more than willing to see if I can give you some advice with this." I was sighing, wanting him to just tell me.

"Well, you are not entirely wrong. There are some things that I have been lying to you guys about. I mean, you might want to know more. But I feel like I would not want to tell anybody else yet. I might be willing to tell you. But that is it. There nobody else in the family that I am even remotely interested in telling. But even then, I feel like I need to know that you will be fully committed to not messing things up, and just keeping the information to yourself. Since I am unsure if you or anybody else will do that." Gabe told me, and I was seeing him almost looking like he was hating what he had said in his own way.

"How do you think that I am going to be making it worse for people? I mean, you are not telling us anything. I think that this is already bad enough. The fact that we are living with somebody who will not tell us what is going on. I feel like we deserve to know some truth." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was not wanting to argue with me. He was looking like he was almost feeling bad for all of this. Like he had wanted to treat me better, but could not find it in himself to do such a thing.

"I know that this might not really make much sense to you. I know that you are probably going to be annoyed with me saying stuff like this. But I have been spending nearly the last week of my life trying to understand the truth of the shit that is going on here. I am tired of everything that is going on, and I feel like I need to know what the hell is going on in my life. I feel like I need to just know what I am ready for before I fully decide." He was saying, and I was seeing that he was clearly conflicted.

"Can you at least tell me what you have gotten into? I think that this is the very least that you can do for me. If you are going to not tell me what is going on, then I feel like you might as well make me know what I can do to better understand what is happening." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was sort of accepting this statement. As if he was feeling like he was accepting my position on this.

"I am learning the truth of this piece of shit town. I am learning what is really going on here, and I am not going to be stopping until the answers come clear. That is all that I feel comfortable with saying, and that is all that I feel like you would want to be hearing from me. I mean, if I were to try and say anything else, you would just simply not be able to get it." Gabe told me, with a clear hint of uneasiness in his voice.

"Are you seriously doing this? I mean, I know you act like you need to do some stuff because you're one of the older siblings? But maybe just letting the truth be hidden away might be the best thing for everybody." I was saying, and he was looking right at me, as is feeling like what I had just said was proof enough as to why he was feeling like I would not be ready.

"No offense, because you're a good guy, but this is exactly what I was expecting from you. Trying to deny the fact that this town needs to have more stuff be learned about. To not be doing anything about this is a fucking lie. I feel like I need to know the truth for my own sanity." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was sort of willing to accept what was going on, and the fact that he was trying to tell me why it was right to be a renegade right now.

"I am doing the right thing. And you know it. I think you know deep down that there is a ton of things you feel like we need to know about this place too. You might be lying about it, and telling me that we do not. But you know you want the truth. You want to know everything that is going on as well, and then as a result, we can help each other." Gabe told me, and then he was shaking his head, holding his hand up, and he was feeling like he was not wanting to debate me on this.

"I will let you have some time to truly think it over. I do not want to force you into a damn thing, since doing such a thing would make me a piece of shit person, and I know that I would never be able to forgive myself here." I said, and then he was looking right at me, and he was wanting to see how I was going to react. I was just confused at this whole thing, and I had felt like I needed to know what he had wanted to know now.

"Yeah. Maybe thinking will be the best I can do. I mean, I feel like there is something you are not telling me. I want to know what it is. But I feel like learning what it is could be the worst thing that I can be doing right now." I was saying, and then Gabe nodded, as he was heading to his room, and leaving me alone, and letting me debate in my mind what I should do next. If I had any plans or just wanted to reject it all.

...

-Dec 2 1993 5:25 pm- I had been working on some of my music, and just sort of minding my own business, while also having my mind flooded with what Gabe had told me about wanting to find the truth of this town. I thought he was being fucking insane, and that he needed to god damn think this out more. But at the same time, I was also able to almost appreciate what he was trying to do. I mean, as insane as it was that he was doing this, I felt like there was almost something to credit him on.

I just wished that I was able to convince him to at least let people help him with this whole thing. I mean, if he wanted to be getting himself killed, that was one thing. But I was feeling like as long as there were others at his side, who were able to help him out, and give him advice, and truly be able to get him through the pain of it all, then I felt like it would be worth it.

I was angry at him for almost feeling like he was better than us. What I mean is the fact that he was going around and doing all of this stuff, and he was never even giving us a chance to be helping him out. Almost as if he was feeling like there was nothing to even get out of letting us get a clear goal in mind on this all. But I guess that I was just being a bit dramatic. Despite the fact that I was feeling like it was worth it all.

I was wanting to help my brother feel like he was able to have somebody who can help him out. That was all that I had wanted. I wanted him to feel like he knew what we were worried about. But with him like this, I just felt like I was going to have to be working harder to make it all seem like it was going to be at least sort of worth it all.

One of these days, I was going to have to try and see what my brother was going to need from me. I mean, he might not say it right now, but I was feeling like he would need my help sooner or later. I was feeling like I was needing to just be ready for that whole thing. Knowing that the only thing that would matter was seeing him just happier. I mean, despite all the stuff that was going on, I was wanting him to feel like he could be happier to just reach out to others. But now that we were here, I was feeling like it was all just a waste of time. I was feeling like all that I had been going through was just a waste of time, and that he never really cared for my opinion.

I was wanting to make sure that I did not let my feelings cloud my mind too much. No matter what he was going to be like, I knew that in the end, he was my older brother, and that he had higher say on the matter than me. I knew that for as long as we were both alive, he was going to have to show that he was the only one out of the two that had any real say on some of these.

Then again, I was a fifteen year old guy, and while some people would laugh at me and say that is still pretty young, it was more than old enough to be making some choices with my family. I knew that they were not going to like that fact if I said so out loud, but I think that the idea of helping out my family was more important than anything else. And it was the only thing that I was going to truly be focused on right now.

But before I did anything like that, I was feeling like maybe I could try and talk with my friends on it. Maybe doing that would be able to help out how I was feeling right now. And that as a result, I was going to see what they would want me to do if I was in such a position as I would be fearing I was in. So with that, I was getting up, getting ready to head on out for the questionnaire.

I was thinking about what I was going to be doing next. I was putting my shoes on, and I was getting my guitar, and I was slowly thinking about what I was going to be saying. What I would tell them to get them to listen to me. I was feeling like something like that was more important than anything else. So I was thinking about what I would tell them when I was going to get there, and my presentation of evidence to support my claims.

I had known that this was going to be a long road ahead of me, and that the road was going to be one that I never really wanted to be going down. I never really wanted to be going down a path where my older brother was going to be the piece of shit out of the two. Well, not really that, but I think that you know what I am meaning. The one who is keeping the truth away from me.

I was then sighing as I was taking my materials out of the room, and thinking about what I would be doing. I was hating myself for all of this. I was hating myself for the fact that I was going to be going through with in a way back stabbing him, all for something that might not really even be happening.

As I was about to be leaving the house, that was when something I was genuinely not expecting to happen, well, did happen. Seth was looking at me, and I was seeing him looking like he was a mixed of confused and worried about me. I was feeling like I just needed to find something to say, because I was feeling like no matter what he was going to be saying, this was not going to be fully pleasant.

"What exactly do you plan on doing? I heard the talk that you were having with Gabe last night. Do you think that maybe such a thing might be a bad idea? I mean, I did not get all the details, but it seemed like your argument was a rather big one, and I feel like I need to make sure you guys are safe." Seth was saying, and I was seeing him looking genuinely worried about the fact that I was going to possibly be doing something very stupid, and even I knew that it was going to be stupid.

"I am just going to be hanging out with our friends. We were having a civil discussion. There was no harm to be done with it. I mean, I doubt that there is anything going on that would make this conversation seem like a big mistake. We were just sort of doing our own thing, and we might just have different ways of looking at this stuff." I said, and then I was looking at him, and I was feeling like what I had told him was true enough for him to be relaxing.

"I mean, I think you do not need to be worried on anything. I think that we just don't really know what we are all up to, and I think that maybe there is just something about that which is a little worrisome for both of us." I was saying, trying to approach this as politely as possible, in fear of how he was going to think I was interacting with him.

I was seeing him clearly looking like he was unconvinced at what I had been telling him. Almost like he was counting all the ways that he was going to call me out for lying to him. But as I was seeing him looking unsure where to go next, I was feeling worried on what he was going to do now.

"I guess that it really is none of my business after all. I guess that maybe I was just worried on what you were actually going to be doing right now. But I suppose that you know more of what you are doing than you want to admit." Seth said, and then he was looking like he was starting to not be so worried about me. Almost like he was certain that I was going to be fine, no matter what the end result was going to be.

"Seriously, do not be worried about caring what is going on. I think that it is alright. We I am fine at least. I seriously am going to just hang out with my friends, and make some silly music. You know, just to enjoy myself. Not really give much of a darn what is happening. I think that he is going to be fine, and that I need to not be so worried about it." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and seeing him sort of looking like he was calming down, wanting desperately to believe in what I was saying right now.

"Do you think that you would like to show me some of your music? You know, since yo seem to be working on it all the time, I think that it would be a lot of fun to see what has gotten you so interested in it this whole time." He said to me, and then I was thinking about it a moment longer. I did not know why my mind was fighting me so badly on this, since he was asking nicely, and I was feeling like he was doing nothing wrong by just asking a simple question. But I truly had no idea right now.

"I will be thinking about it. I mean, I think that it could be nice to finally express the way that I like to perform to others. But I am unsure of if I am ready to be doing in front of the family is all." I said, and then I was sighing, thinking that what I was saying was fucking stupid, and even I knew that it was. For a couple of reasons.

One was that I practiced here on a daily basis, and I had been working on my music a whole lot. But you know, I was just thinking that the thing that made that seemingly more bearable was the fact that I was sort of keeping my opinons of it all to myself. That I was able to not be so worried about expressing myself. I was not so damn worried about just showing people what I was into. No matter what it would take to show it all.

But there was always something that was going to make me feel unsure of what I was doing. The fact that I was never really going to know if they actually liked my music, or if they were thinking that it sucked. Maybe if I was going to perform, I would need to finally know if they were going to like it. I was feeling like that as long as I was going to go into it with a open and honest mind, it was going to be fine. That as long as I did not mess around, it was going to be something I could manage.

So as I was feeling that way, I had been thinking about what I did, and then I was sighing and gave a answer. "Maybe soon enough I will. You live with me. I might as well do something like this soon, to make it work out with somebody." I was slowly nodding, unsure what to say.

"It really would be cool to see what it is that you have been up to. I mean, you always talk about what you like about your music. I would love to see you go full force with it. The whole thing really would be a lot of fun." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him starting to crack a smile, and I knew that he was telling the truth. I knew that even if I did not fully believe it at first. He was wanting to see how it was going to be like. And when I was seeing that, I was feeling like I just needed to find a way to be giving him what he had wanted, since he was being fair about it all.

So with that, I was slowly coming to an acceptance of what was going on. The fact that I was going to be needing to show people what I was doing. What I was going to have to deal with. I needed to show them all that no matter what was going to happen, I was not going to be letting anything happen that would sort of give off the impression that I did not really listen to them. But if this was going to be done, I was going to have to find something else to make it all feel like I was going to be a good sport on it all.

Being a good sport was the only thing that I had felt like I needed to at least try and give the impression of doing. I mean, there was something wrong about all of this. There was something wrong with the idea of not letting my brother see what I was doing, when he had so clearly wanted to know what I was up to. There was just something I felt like I needed to strongly reconsider when I was not even going to be letting him have something like this.

But despite what I was doing, I was sort of finding it in myself to do something else. I was finding it in myself to be accepting the fact that I had some friends who were going to be helping me out with my music, so even if my music was not all that good, I could always use them for help. I was feeling like that was going to be the best that I could shoot for. The idea of going through with letting my friends know what my plans were. They needed to give me some advice, since I was feeling like they were going to want to see what I really had in mind.

I had walked out of the house, and I was ready to be seeing my friends, and I was ready to just put it all behind me. I was angry at the fact that I was finding myself hating this conversation. Even if he was kind of annoying, and somebody I did not really want to deal with, he was still my brother. And I still needed to accept him for who he was, no matter what. My parents would want that from me at least.

I was going to be seeing Tyler and see what he was up to. He was a grade below me, and often times had a hard time focusing on the music projects as much as I did, but he was a good guy in the long run, and his music was fucking great, and I was feeling like maybe when I could get him to focus, he was going to work out divine doves in our favor.

He also had a somewhat common taste with me. The rock type of music. He was not really into all that country stuff, and he was alright with pop, but when he was on stage, he would like to go all out, and he was feeling like he was able to show people what he was liking to do. But despite what I had been feeling, I was sort of wanting to get him to show me what his plan was, and if I was able to get him to sort of give me more advice on how I was going to be able to present to my family and not feel like I was going to be going crazy when I was going to be up there. I had felt like presenting to my family was the only thing that I was going to never be able to get over.

I was feeling like it was odd. The fact that I had no problem performing live on stage, and as a result, actually kind of liked myself when I was up there, but damn when I was with my family, I was an entirely different person. I was almost scared of how I was going to be doing it. I was feeling like when I was with my family, I had such high standards that I almost needed to retroactively get over myself, and not be so worried on what I was going to be doing.

But despite what was going on, I had felt like there was a small chance that Seth was going to like it, genuinely like it, and as a result, I was feeling like I was needing to get over it. I was needing to just show myself for who I was, and just get on there, and show him what I was made of. If I did this, maybe he was even going to give me some advice on how I could be able to improve myself. How I was going to find a way to be able to show people what I was made of here.

Eventually, I was getting near where Tyler was, and when I was reaching his house, I was sighing, feeling like I just needed to get it over with. I needed to just see what he was going to be saying, what his advice was, and how I was going to be able to get along with my plans. See if he had any way of knowing what it would be like to help me through this.

As I was knocking on his house door, I was getting my guitar out, not even letting it be concealed anymore, and then I was sighing, as I was thinking about what I would be doing now. I had felt like maybe when we were going to be getting right to work, he might almost just want to see if I was practicing at all. To which he will be extremely glad to know that I have been, and we can continue the work that we have been showing right now.

I had felt like when I was going to be working with him, and some others, that I was truly going to be showing my creative spirit. The spirit that was hiding in me. And when I was going to be in work, everything was going to be good. I was thinking on what I was getting myself set in for. What I was going to be doing when I was going to get into the industry. I had felt like when I was going to be showing him what I wanted to work on, he was going to give me the one thing I needed. A concise tip.

He answered the door, and was looking right at me, and he was looking like he was excited to be seeing me here right now, seeing me looking like I was sort of in the mood to be getting right to work. "So you decided that you did want to do some practice after all? After he asked me this, I was slowly nodding, and he was looking like now that this was the case, and he knew what I was ready do, we would get right to work here.

"Well, I was just dealing with the fact that I got into a debate with my older brother Gabe, and I never really knew how to be getting over it. I think that it will not really be all that big of a deal now." I said, and looked right at Tyler, wondering what he was going to say. I knew he kind of thought Gabe was a bit dense. But he also knew how hard it was to get into a flat out fight with him, and knew that maybe something was going on to really piss him off.

I was feeling like maybe I could be able to discuss it. But I had no idea if I was really in the mood to do such a thing. And with that, I was just sort of wanting to leave the subject alone for the time being. "If you want to talk about it, I would love to talk after practice. But for the time being, I don't really want to think about it. Since doing such a thing will be kind of something that will annoy the living shit out of me here." I said, and then I was feeling like maybe if I could get him to talk for a bit, I would see what he was feeling now.

"I think that talking about it after practice could be wise. Especially if you feel like something like this is very important." After Tyler had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was sort of wanting to know more, but that he was going to be taking it slowly, and not be sort of getting in my deal on it. He knew that I was clearly not wanting to discuss it right now, and he was looking like he was sort of willing to respect that. Or at least try to be respecting that in his own way.

With that, we were getting right in his house, and I was feeling like being here was going to be making me feel better. Make me feel like I could calm down, and not be too worried on what was happening around me. I was feeling like I was going to be able to sort of just find a way to be talking about something that I was going to get more enjoyment out of in the long run, and that was discussing our musical direction, and what we were going to be doing now.

"So what songs were you thinking about making right now?" Tyler asked, and then after he asked me this, I was thinking on it for a moment. There was something that was crossing my mind a lot lately. Something I did not like to admit, as it felt silly, and I hated myself for it. But I liked this girl I went to school with, and I was feeling like I could be able to make a song about her, without having it be too obvious what we were doing.

So with that, I was sighing, feeling like I was finally having my answer, and I was ready to just tell him. "I want to make a song about somebody that I like at school. A sort of indirect confession, without making it be too obvious who it is, and not making it seem unclear where we are going with this. I think that something like this might be really fun to do." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was going to be sort of ready for that. Like he was expecting a good answer, and that this was the closest he was going to get with it now.

...

-Dec 2 1993 11:30 pm- I was then done with the practice of that day, and when it was all said and done, I was looking right at Tyler, trying to think of something to say to make the mood be better. "What are you feeling like you are going to want to do about your brother? Since you were talking about him earlier, and I feel like maybe we need to discuss that before you go on and leave." After he had said that to me, I was looking right at him, and I was feeling like this was not the talk that I was going to be wanting with him right now.

"I am going to try and get him to tell me why he wants to find out about the truth of the town in the first place. I feel like there is something he is lying to me about, and I feel like I just need to finally expand on his mind, and let him be able to tell me what the problem is, and then I might be able to help him out a bit more." After I had said that to him, I was seeing him looking like this was a terrible idea. Almost like he wanted me to not think on this.

"He wants to go out and find out what is going on with that monster attack. He wants to go on and learn the truth of the people who have been going missing. He has a lot of goals that are a bit out there. But I think he is sort of onto something at the same time. I feel like he needs to let me know what his ideas are, and I might be able to help him out after all." I said, and then I was just feeling like I needed to let go, and I was feeling my statements were being silly, and I knew it deep down inside that I was shooting for something that was not going to happen.

"Honestly, I think you might need to sort of respect his space if he feels like he does not want you around. But at the same time, there is something going on here. I feel like we do all want to know what it is, so I guess that maybe it might not be all that bad of a idea to force him in on the stuff that he is hiding from us." Tyler said, and then looked at me and shook his head.

"But to be honest, I think that maybe you might be making some stuff up. Yeah, there are people who are going missing. There are people who have not returned home after all of this time. It does suck, but there is nothing that we can do about it right now. I think that if you wanted to try and really get to know him for what he wants to do, I think you will have to remember who you are dealing with here." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was trying to be nice about it. But deep down I knew that he was being realistic on this.

"Yeah, I guess that you might be right. That does not mean that I have to be liking it right now. I feel like there is something that I am missing out on. Something I just need to sort of get myself ready for. Besides, I feel like rejecting what he is saying could be the worst thing that I could be doing when I look at all of this stuff that is going on around me." I said, and then I was just feeling like I needed to get over my fears right now.

"Your family is a strange set of people. I mean, there is nothing wrong with them, but it seems like every single one of them is going out and pretty much expecting some form of time bomb to be going off. I mean, I feel like you guys need to all god damn relax before you guys go so crazy you guys end up getting killed or something." Tyler was being innocent about it, and I was feeling like I just needed to find more to say here.

"I mean, I know what you mean mostly. But what is Lydia goes missing. What if she has nothing to do now? I think that I just need to fucking find something to do to make sure that I don't let any of that stuff happen right now." I said, and then I was shaking my head, sort of just trying to wrap my mind around what the heck was going on around me. "I think that the least that I can do is make sure that I am prepared for what the heck is happening here."

"I mean, I guess that something like this can be a bit of a issue. But do you honestly believe that something will be happening here? Do you really think she is going to be going missing? She is seven years old. There is no way in hell that something is going to happen to you. I mean, I don't want to make you feel bad over this right now, but I think that there are some factors that we could be going through right now." Tyler was saying to me, I was then seeing him looking like he was wanting to say more, but he had no idea what the heck was going to happen.

"I think that there is something that I need to at least be looking into. I mean, I know that it might not be all that big of a deal. I just wish that I could be able to know what I was getting into by talking to my brother. He just makes me even more confused now. He just makes me feel even more uncertain of what the fucking hell I am doing right now. That is something that I genuinely hate right now." I said, and then I was looking at him, wondering what he was going to be saying. If he had wanted to say more at all.

"I think you might be looking into it a bit too deeply. Sure there is something that could be going on. No doubt about it. But I think that perhaps we just need to look more into what we can do to sort of be ready for anything else. I think that your family might be alright. I think that you are just looking for something that will not happen. I mean, there is nothing that I can do about Gabe. he is a adult anyways. Older than us. But the others do not need to get brought into what he is trying to do." After he had said that to me, I was sighing, and slowly nodding a bit right now.

"Honestly, I wish that you were right. And maybe you are. But I guess that I am just too scared to be thinking too deeply into this right now. I feel like if I think more on it, I will be feeling like I am being stupid, and I do not want to be feeling like that. I want to be feeling like I know sort of what I am doing." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering what he was wanting to say now. If he was planning to say anything here.

There was something about all of this that made me feel like I needed to be looking deeper into all of this. But at the same time, I was sort of just over this whole feeling of uncertainty. I had felt like I just needed to be going through with all of this a lot longer. But I had no idea what was going on here.

"Tyler, I just wish that I was able to not be blinded by what they are all doing. I mean, I feel like I am going to be forced to deal with everything they want from me. That I will never get what I want. That I will never be myself. I wish that I was myself. I wish that I could be able to get through this whole thing easier. But I feel like I am just being too stuck on everything." I was saying, feeling like I just needed to sort of find a way to make it all work out.

"I feel like every time I follow their influence, my confusion on life grows even bigger, and the more that I feel like I can't be able to make this whole thing work. I feel like I just sort of need to be taking this easier. But to be taking something easier would virtually be on par with suggesting that I am going to just brush this all off." I was shaking my head, and then Tyler was thinking of what he was going to say to make me feel better here.

"I think that maybe as long as you do your own thing, enjoy your shows, and just present your best material at the talent show soon, you will be doing great. I think that you just need to remember that at the end of the day, you still are your own guy." After he was saying that to me, I was then thinking on what he said. But there was one single part that was getting to me here.

"I think that maybe that talent show would be cool. But I did not even know that we were having one. At least that is something that I can be looking forward to." I said, and then I was looking right at her, wondering what she was going to try and tell me now. If she was really thinking of anything that she would want to say.

"How did you not know that there was going to be one? It was literally all over the news. The idea that something was about to happen. I think that you should just go there, and enjoy yourself. I think it will be the best thing that you can be doing for yourself." After he was telling me that, I was seeing him looking like he was being sincere, despite the fact that there was clearly something else he was thinking of.

"Well, I can certainly try and get some songs going. I think that I will try and work on that tonight, or tomorrow, and maybe make a few songs that I might be able to perform." I said, and then I was sighing, thinking about how great something like this was going to be. I was thinking about what it would be like to show people what I was wanting to do, what I was wanting to show.

...

-Dec 3 1993 1:00 am- I was sitting down in my room, and I was thinking about what was going to be happening now. I was truly thinking about how fucked up this whole thing was, and how much I hated it all. I was feeling like maybe I just needed to see what the issues with my brothers were, or just simply catch up with them. I feel like something like this might be very nice too. Just simply getting to know them more, and not be pushing them into revealing some stuff for me or anything like that.

I was feeling like if I did not get to know what the issue was, I was never going to be making things better. I was going to just have to accept the fact that there was almost nothing that I was going to do to make the people around me feel better. They were going to just sort of reject me this whole time, and there was nothing that I could be able to do about it, and I was hating that about the whole thing, and that was what I was not even remotely wanting to be thinking about right now.

I was getting up, and then I saw that Todd was still not asleep yet. When I had seen him, I was thinking that I just needed to go on and see what the issue with him was. So with that, I was getting to see what he was dealing with. "Hey, are there any issues that are happening or something?" I asked, and then I was seeing him looking right at me, and he was clearly looking like he was wanting to say more. But he did not look like he was really wanting to go on any further describing the way that he was feeling right now, given the whole thing.

"Well, I am on a good ride with that girl that I have been talking with lately. Bebe, if you don't remember what her name was. Honestly, she is really such a sweet lady, and I feel like you would really like her." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to go on and talk more about her, but did not want to risk boring me or anything like that.

"That is really nice. I wish that I was with somebody who I would feel like was going to be giving me a 'good ride' as you call it." I was looking right at him, wondering if he had anything he was wanting to say, or if he was feeling like there was no real need to continue talking on it. I just wanted to see what he was like, no matter what it was going to take.

I was feeling like when I was going to be done with this, I would see that maybe there was something good about the fact that I was not really super in love or anything like that. "You will find something fine soon enough. You do not need to be worried about this too much right now. I think you are going to be fine with this." After he was saying that to me, I was taking a deep breath, wondering what the heck was even happening right now. I was feeling totally just confused on what I was feeling now.

"Do you think that there is something going on with Gabe? He seems to be really doing something strange, and I feel like I should try and know what is happening right now with him. To see if I could help him out or something." I said, and then Todd was looking right at me, and he was looking like he had no desire to be even entertaining what I was doing right now. This whole thing just was seeming to take him by shock.

I was feeling like I just needed to find something to say that is going to make him take what I was saying more seriously, and not be brushing it off as just 'being Gabe.' "He was telling me that he was thinking that there was something in this town going on, and he was telling me that he wanted to go on and see what it fucking was." I said, and then I was seeing Gabe looking uncertain on what I was meaning, or why Gabe would be doing something like this in the first place.

"Honestly, I think he might be fine. I think you just are too worried about something that is not really there. But honestly, do you think that he is actually going to be taking this too seriously? Or do you think that he is just being a bit of a curious cat who found something and will not let it go?" He was asking, and I was seeing that he had looked like he was not really feeling the need to take this whole thing too seriously.

"I feel like there is something going on right now, and I feel like we are going to be making a big mistake if we do not know what he thinks is happening. I feel like I just need to see what he knows. But at the same time, I think that it is none of my damn business." I said, and then Todd was placing his hand on my shoulder, and I was seeing that he was thinking that what I was going to be told would have been making me feel better. But I was sort of going to later reveal that something like this was not going to be the exact case as much as he would wish.

"I think that he might be doing his own thing. And yes, you're right. As rude as it might be for me to just flat out say it, this really is indeed none of your business. I think you need to let him be living out his fantasy, and then let it be over naturally. I doubt he is going to really care all that much." After Todd was finished telling me this, I saw him looking like he wanted to make his whole point clear, but did not want to be rough on it.

"I will leave it alone when he finally lets me know what is going on. I feel like that is the least that he can do for me. Just to fucking tell me if he is going to be knowing what he is doing, or if he is only going to be making things worse." I said, and then I was looking at him, and he was seeming to be asleep, and not hearing what we were saying. Then I was taking a long and deep breath, to really properly capture what I was feeling.

"I guess that you will not get where I am coming from. But yeah, I guess that I should just try to leave the whole thing alone. I feel like if I try to get more information from him, and try to force him to tell me, he will be really angry at me, and he will be telling me that I should stop, and I don't want to be getting him to hate me or anything like that." I said, and then I was thinking about what I had just told him, and if he appreciated what I said.

"I mean, I heard that there was a school talent show, and people want me to go on and try to perform there. I feel like maybe I should try something like that. Finally go on and hang out with them and make it all better for me. I just think that maybe when I focus on that, everything is going to be fine." I said, and then I was just thinking about what I had done. I was seeing Todd looking like he was actually looking kind of glad that I was doing something like this now outside of the house.

"I think that you should go and do it. I mean, come on, you are really into the music arts, and this is something that I know you care a lot about. I think you just need to go on and do something now. I think you just need to enjoy the music, and show people what you are into." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more. But did not really feel the need to go on and tell me much more now.

"I want to fucking have fun. But I hate the fact that I will be probably leaving my siblings behind. I always like to go on and do something with them. Makes me feel like I can connect with them, and have some good times." I said, and then I was looking right at him, hoping he was going to actually have something he was going to respond with. But he was just clearly looking like he had needed to let me be on my own now.

"I think that you going on and just having some fun on your own is the only thing that you can do that is going to truly make you feel free. I mean, I appreciate the effort that you place into going on and hanging out with us more often and stuff. But I think you need to go on and just be doing your own thing. I think you just need to be enjoying your life with your friends." After he was telling me that, I was slowly nodding, feeling like he was probably right, and that he knew me better than anybody else around me.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I think that it might be hard to sort of let go at first. The idea of just being on my own. But I think that if I did not do that, then nothing else matters." I said, and then I was rubbing my eyes, feeling like I was going to be making a big mistake. I was feeling like everything about the conversations that I was having with people would be a giant waste of time.

"I know that there is something that you can accomplish if you were to just finally be the guy you wanted to be. I mean, ever since you were just a fucking kid, you were wanting to go on and perform for people. You wanted to show people how much your musical goals mattered to you. It was something that I feel like you were able to really get a lot of mileage out of when you were doing this. And now that you are old enough to make shows, I think you need to try and do it." He was telling me, and placed his hand on my shoulder, waiting for more to be saying right now.

"I mean, I have been wanting to do it for a long time. I am just scared that if I go out there, people will be making fun of me, and be making me feel like my music sucks, and that I wasted my time on this. I feel like if I am just myself, people will not really know what I am actually doing here." I said, and then I was thinking about what I had been saying, and what I was going to accomplish by doing all of this.

"Well, if people make fun of you because your music sucks or something, then they need to remember that at least you have the balls to go on and present what you are like. You are at least able to be man enough to show people what you like." He said to me, and then I was looking at him, wishing that I was going to be saying more to make him feel like he was onto something. But I was feeling like I did not need to do this, and that he knew that he was right now.

"Yeah, in theory, that would be great. The idea that people can go on and just fucking listen to me, and know that I am doing my own thing. But I think you are forgetting what exactly high school was like." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to be polite on all of this. But that doing something like this was just going to be fucking impossible given the situation.

"You will see that the only reason people have a problem with being themselves is the idea that they are thinking that other people are better than them. But that as long as you are just doing what you want, there is no need to worry about who is better, or who is worse. Being yourself, and enjoying what you are doing is more important." He was telling me, and I saw him looking like he had wished to say more on this.

"I guess that there is a chance that something like this might be true. I feel like I just have to find a way to present myself well. I think that the show is going to be the best thing in the world. I just want to go on and fucking do it. I want to go on and show people what I want to do with my life." After I was saying this to him, I was feeling like I just needing to make it all work. As I was saying this, I was thinking about what the heck I was going to be able to do to make it all work.

"My friend and I wrote some songs last night, and I was feeling pretty proud of myself on the progress that I have been making. I feel like something like this is going to be all that matters. I think that I have something that I can present. I think that if I want to present it, I will have to find some people in this house who might be willing to listen to me, and give me some advice." I said, and then I was thinking about what I had said, and if Todd was going to sign himself up for something like this.

"What were some songs that you were working on? I mean, do you think that people are going to be fully sold on this type of stuff quite yet?" Todd was asking me, and I was stopping to think about it for a moment, thinking about the fact that something was going on, and that I needed to just come up with a real answer here." I was saying, feeling like I just needed to find a better answer to make here.

"I was working on a song that would help describe my feelings towards a girl that I like in school. I did not want to be too over the top about it because I felt like if I was, then they would be making fun of me, and making me feel like a fucking idiot. So I was feeling like I just needed to find something to focus on." I said, and then I was starting to see Todd looking a bit interested in knowing what was going on.

"I think I would like to know what type of song that is. You know, I think that there might be some advice I could give on it, to make sure that it does not become too strange, and that you do not make things any worse for yourself if she heard it." Todd said, and I was slowly sighing, feeling like maybe he was right, as much as I hated to admit it. But I did not think I cared anymore if she would find this to be stupid or lame. But he was being nice about it.

...

-Dec 3 1993 9:15 pm- I was thinking about the music that I would be able to make to get ready for the show, but I had no idea what I was going to be doing, and that was the one thing that was truly making me worried. The idea that I was going to have to be going out and finding a way to make the music work. And I was feeling like maybe I just needed to find a way to get my brothers, or at least some of them, to go on and try to help me out.

I was thinking about this when Seth had shown up, and he was looking like he was doing his own thing. He was looking like he had been writing some notes for his next set of jokes or something like that. I was then feeling like if for nothing else, I would be able to see how he was doing, and then we could be able to catch up for a bit, and see how things actually were for the time being, and see if he was doing well.

"Hey, how is the jokes going?" I asked, and then I was seeing him looking at me, and he was looking like he was looking glad that I was asking him this stuff. Since it was showing that somebody in this house was showing some interest in what he was doing in the first place. "Did you hear that there was going to be a talent show or something here? I only heard about it for the first time yesterday, and I am going to try to totally present some stuff for the show." I said, and then I was seeing him looking unsure of what the heck he was going to say now.

"Yeah I heard of it. I was planning on showing some stuff there, and I am hoping that maybe the people there might like my stuff. I don't really know if people are going to be super interested in anything like that. But I really want to try this out." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like this was the one thing that he had felt like was going to be giving him some purpose. I was wishing that maybe I was going to need to see what types of jokes he was making. To make him feel better.

"I was planning on maybe doing something since I heard about it. I was hoping that maybe I could be able to get somebody to come along with it." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was feeling like resorting to Seth would have been one of my last choices. But at the same time, I had felt like his bad jokes were not really going to be the worst thing in the world, and that I just needed to take it easy.

"If you feel like you would actually want to do a performance like that, then I would be really liking something like this. But if you are not very into this, I guess that maybe we can just try and see what it we can do to make it work." After Seth was saying that to me, I was seeing him sitting down on the couch, and he was looking right at me, wondering what was going on now.

"I heard that you were going to be writing a rather romantic song with your friends to go on and present to the school. Do you think that she is going to love this? I mean, if she picks up on who it is meant for, she might be pushing you away, and treating you like a waste of time and stuff." Seth said, and then he was sighing, unsure of what the heck he was going to be saying at this point in time. I was thinking about what he had said now.

"I think that as long as it is at least know, even if she rejects me, I would know the answer after all. I feel like that is the least that I can do here. I mean, if I stay here, and I don't ever confess the way that I feel, and nobody learns the truth, then I will be going crazy right now." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just about to be going crazy from the idea of not really knowing the actual answer to this whole thing. I just needed to know the truth.

"Well, I hope that you don't end up eating those words if you feel like the feelings are going to be breaking you. But in a way, I think that there is something almost admirable about what you are doing." After he had said that to me, I was seeing Seth looking like he was actually proud of the fact that he had been saying that to me, and that maybe he was thinking he could get me to feel like I was making some progress. Even if the way he was trying to help was going to be hard, at least he was trying.

"I will not be having a problem with just sort of doing my own thing. I think the only thing I would really regret is not having the proper words to make it seem like it is the way that I honestly feel. I don't want people to be feeling like this is a simple form of lust or anything like that. But I guess that something like that is just going to be hard." I said, and then I was shaking my head, feeling like maybe I was being overly confident. But I did not give a single shit.

"If you say so. I just was a bit worried was all. I remember the one time that there was somebody I liked, and I wanted to admit it, but I was too scared to be doing so. I don't know if you will be like that. I just know that I was never really feeling like I could be doing something like this after all." After Seth had told me this, I was seeing him looking like he was feeling like this was the worst thing that he had ever done. I was feeling like I just needed to sort of know what was going on now.

"You actually had a thing for somebody? I never knew that. How did you think it was going to go? Do you have a chance to make it work with her or something?" I asked, feeling like maybe this could be one of the first genuine times that I would bond with my younger brother, and see him for the guy that he was. I felt like it was the least that I could be doing.

"I don't think I will ever see her again. I mean, she was sort of on her own thing. But yea, I really did like her, and I really thought that if I was courageous enough to be going out to make her feel better, and show her that I wanted to be her friend at the least, then it would have made me feel like such a happier man." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was not really wanting to admit what he had been feeling anymore. Making him feel like what he was saying was slightly embarrassed.

"Everything is going to be alright. I think that you need to see that maybe there was a chance that she would not have been there for you. That she would not have been the type of girl you were thinking that she would have been. And if this was happening, then you would be hating yourself, and you would be feeling like you made a giant mistake trying to get to know her." I said, and I was not even trying to sound like a asshole when I was saying this. I was just trying to make him feel better. But even I knew that this was a shitty attempt.

"But like what you are doing, and what you are feeling, I think that I should have at least tried. I feel like if I had at least put in the effort, then I would have made it all work. But I guess that something like that is just not going to be happening." Seth said, and he was feeling like he needed to find something else to say. But that if he even tried to be finding more, it was just going to be sort of feeling pointless in the long run.

"I guess that maybe it can be different. I don't know what to be telling you. But at least if you feel like you can be happy when you get to know some people, then it will be all worth it." I was saying, and I was wondering what the heck I was going to be able to tell him. I was feeling like everything I said was just going to make him feel like what I was saying would have been utterly pointless. That I was just making a huge issue out of nothing.

"I guess that I was just very shocked to be hearing that you actually liked somebody that you went to school with. I mean, I never really thought you would be the type of romantic person. I thought that you would have rejected that idea right away." I said, and then I was seeing Seth looking like I had been embarrassing him a bit. I was wanting to continue, but I did not want to be having him feel like I was kind of ruining the moment. A moment that I was honestly actually kind of enjoying.

"You will do fine. I mean, you are doing your best with your jokes, and they are getting better the more that you do them, and I see that you are clearly making progress. I feel like you need to just take what you have, and go as far as possible as you can with it, and it will be fine." After I had said that to Seth, I was feeling like I just needed to see what the heck was going on. What Seth would really feel he was going to needed to tell me. To get me to be able to try and relax just a little bit more.

"I love the comedy show. I feel like the comedy show is the one thing that gives me some form of a purpose when I am out here. But then again, when I am out there, and it seems like nobody really cares for what I do, that is when I feel like nobody actually wants to really know what I have been doing." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking as if he was wanting to say more. But was almost feeling like it was down right embarrassing to continue talking now.

"Well, I think you just need to be taking the things that you enjoy, and just run with it. I mean, I was told to just do the type of music you enjoy, and even if I do not get all the types of jokes that you make, I think that it is actually kind of cool that you are doing whatever you want here." After I was telling Seth this, I was seeing him wanting to say more, but felt like there was just simply no need to continue going, and that he had made his point.

"I think that maybe I should explain what a lot of the jokes are if you feel like you don't fully get it, and then maybe we can make something work. You know, like us making a duo on the performance, and show people that we can work good when working together." After he had told me this, I was looking right at him, and I was feeling like what he had said was a bit out there. But he was seeming to genuinely be into the idea, and I could not reject him for this.

"I guess that maybe we can see what something would be like right now. You know, just to show people what we are into." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was seeing him looking as if he was taking this as a victory. A way to be feeling like he was able to get me on board with some of the stuff that he had done, and that if I did not like it, then in a way, it was my fault for not saying no to the whole entire thing.

...

-Dec 3 1993 11:00 pm- I was thinking about the agreement that I had made with Seth, and I knew that there was a good chance that I was going to be getting Tyler kind of pissed at me for this whole thing. I was feeling like if Tyler was going to find out about this, he was going to be furious. He would be acting like I had ruined something for no real good reason. And I knew that something was going to be getting him rather pissed, so I was feeling like I just needed to talk with him, and see what he was going to say on this, and see if I could get him to change his mind on this whole thing.

So with that, I was getting up, and I was placing my shoes on, and I was feeling like I could just tell him what was going on, and why I was feeling like this was a good idea. I mean, I had no idea why I was feeling like this was going to be the way that I needed to take this. I was getting out of my room, and I was glad to be seeing that it had looked like nobody else was awake, which had meant that I was going to have some chances to get out of here, and pretend like nobody was going to see what I would be doing right now.

I was at the door to the house, taking it rather easily, feeling like if somebody were to be coming along to see what I was doing, they would be putting my life to tell. Once I was feeling like I was going to be able to continue this plan of my own, I was sighing, and feeling like I did not really want to hear what people were going to be saying about me. I was feeling like I just needed to do things to show people that I was going to make everybody happy. Or try to do it at the least.

The longer that I had been going on with this whole thing, the less certain that I was really feeling right now. I had felt like this was going to be a huge mistake. I was honestly feeling like I needed to actually consider where I was going to be going on my plans before anybody was going to start to catch me first. I was feeling like once I was at where Tyler was, he would just be more confused to see me, but get over it soon enough.

I was going to see what Tyler wanted to do, and if he was going to argue with me on the whole Seth thing, I was feeling like we were sure to make a compromise that I was feeling like could be able to appeal to both us, and I was feeling like he was certainly going to be able to get over it soon enough, and he was not going to fight me when it came to this for too much longer. I just needed to sort of get him to see that this was a good idea.

I was wondering if Tyler really knew why it was mattering to me so much. I mean, at first, it was just something that I was wanting to do to be nice to Seth. But once I ended up finding out about the fact that he was actually doing his own thing, and that I was going to be getting him to open up to me on the things he was thinking over, I had felt like something like this would have been the correct choice in the long run. I felt like I just needed to see how to make him feel better.

I was feeling like this was going to be a rough idea. I just needed to try and find a way to make him feel like he was never going to be missing out on the next beautiful girl. You know, the fact that he actually cared for somebody, but for some reason, was much too scared to show it, and feared what they would say to him, made me feel sad.

He was eleven fucking years old, and he was already going through a massive let down. He was already going through something that made him feel terrible. Made him feel like he was unwanted. It made me feel like a piece of crap for not staying there for him. For not actually going on and seeing what he had needed. To not actually see that there was something he was also wishing to accomplish by doing this right now.

I was feeling like I just needed to finally get it in my head how I could get him to open up with me. How I could get him to actually see that he was not a bad guy. That there were not that many people in town who did not like him. Maybe not liked his jokes, sure, but not disliked him as a human being flat out. I had felt like if anybody genuinely disliked him as a person, that was their problem, and I did not know what the issue really was.

I knew that I was going to need to see why Seth was so worried over all of this stuff. I had felt like maybe I just needed to make him feel like he could be opening up, and that he could see that there was no real issue with the way he was doing things. If he wanted to be funny to people, and make them feel like there was something creative enough with him, then I just needed to work him out, and make him feel like his jokes would come on through in the best way.

I was feeling like I just needed to see what Seth was going to be into. I wanted to make him feel like he actually had a chance to be almost happier for what was happening. I was feeling like once he got some people to appreciate his humor, then he would be feeling better, and then the better that he had felt, the better that I had felt, and the more that we were going to work out with all of the stuff we knew.

I was feeling like when I knew him more, and I was going to get him into my fold with my friends, they might even grow to like him a bit more. They might even think that it was a mistake to not be bringing him into this. I knew that something like this might be a huge conclusion, but in a way, I was feeling some hope to be seeing how something like this could be improving his standing on things, and not be getting any worse.

However, I had felt like I just needed to trust him with the feelings he was having. I was needing to trust him when he was going to open up about things he was thinking, and that maybe I just was finally going to have a chance to be looking like a better human being for doing all of this.

I felt like maybe I was looking too deeply into this, and that I was needing to not be so focused on all of this. But I could not take it anymore. I felt like this was all that I could do, and I was feeling like maybe I just was needing to be glad that I was at least keeping some form of a open mind on all of this stuff. But despite what I was feeling, I was thinking that it would not matter soon enough, once I gave Tyler my mind, on what I was wanting to do now.

I knocked on his door, waiting for a bit, and wondering what the heck I was going to get from him. To see if I knew what he was feeling. Once he had answered the door, I was seeing him looking right at me, and he was sort of wondering what it was with me always showing up super fucking late, and that maybe we needed to discuss the issue behind that soon enough. But that it could still wait for a bit.

"Hey, did you work on some more songs lately?" Tyler asked, and he was clearly having some high expectations of me right now. I was looking down, and then I was looking right back at him, feeling like I just needed to tell him what was going on here. I was shaking my head, and felt like I might as well just get right to the point on what I was feeling like I had wanted to be doing.

"I was thinking about maybe letting Seth join our show. Since you know, he is still younger and all that stuff, and he has some interest in his own thing. I was thinking that maybe we could do our few songs, and then while he is performing his jokes, we could be there to have the tune made." I said, and then I was looking right at Tyler, wondering what he would want to say to this idea.

He was sighing, as if feeling like maybe this was something that could work, if he was to be thinking deeply to this. That if he was thinking it out a bit more, it would not be the worst idea in the world. "Do you think that the jokes would actually be funny this time? I mean, that is half of the problem right now." He said to me, and I was seeing him looking like he was genuinely wanting me to actually think on what he was feeling right now.

"I think that it could work. I mean, I know you are not a huge fan of the guy, and you think his jokes are terrible, and I do not even disagree with you. But that being said, I think that there might be something that could make this almost fun." I said, and I was sighing, not able to believe for a second that I had described something with Seth like this, and that I needed to really change my standards on 'fun' if I thought this could be fun.

"I don't know if it would be fun. But if you are sure we are going to be able to do our own thing, and not be forced to give up our act for his, and that we are just going to be there, then I think everything will be fine." He was telling me, and I was nodding, feeling like this was going to be a bit more fun right now. That I just needed to work harder to make this not really feel all that lost of a cause now.

"See, and if for nothing else, it can give us a full night out of the house. I think that something like that could be nice for both of us." I said, and then I was looking right at him, seeing him looking like he was genuinely unsure of what the heck he was going to want to be telling me. I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more. But that he was feeling like he needed to let me sort of be living in my own mind on how something like this was going to work out.

"I guess that it would not be the worst thing in the world. I mean, out of the rest of your siblings, he is probably the least bad to deal with. I mean, the others after him are just way too young, and I don't really think Todd likes me too much. I think that Seth might be a bit annoying, but he's alright when in comparison." He said, and while I will admit that maybe the way he was saying this did kind of hurt a bit, I was going to be able to get over it soon enough, and I did not need to be too worried on this.

"Honestly, I think he is just a guy who does not really know what people like to do. I think he is just sort of in his own mind. But I think if you reel him to the moment, he will be fine." I was saying, feeling like I was just needing to find a way to not be sounding too affected over the fact that I knew that he was not that big of a fan of my brothers. Which for some reason was a huge issue for me. The fact that I knew this thing.

"Anyways, since you are here, do you want to hang for a bit, or do you feel like you need to go home now? I mean, I guess that I can sort of see both sides of the argument." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was feeling like if he was going to be having me here right now, we might as well just see what we could be able to about it, and see if we could get something to be fun done tonight.

"Part of the reason I showed up was on the chance we could be able to hang. So I guess that maybe I can come in?" I asked, and then he nodded, and was sort of moving his head to the side, to let me come right in. Then with that, I was going right inside of the house, and I was feeling like I just needed to take the moment to be settling down, and getting right to the main point of things.

...

-Dec 4 1993 4:50 am- I was getting ready to be heading on home, feeling like if I had stayed any longer, I would have made things a bit worse, and that I was not really ready to know what the heck was going to be happening now. I had felt like maybe I just needed to eventually go on and go to sleep, after hanging out with Tyler for like five hours without my parents permission, and without them getting any insight on what I was doing.

I was thinking about the fact that I genuinely do not remember the last time that I had interacted with my parents. I was feeling like maybe I just needed to try and speak to them sooner or later, and see what the heck is going on with them, and see if they were perhaps needing something to make us feel like we could connect a bit better.

I mean, I had nothing against my parents. I just had a hard time talking with them, and as a result, I ended up always having a hard time talking with them, and just every time that I did, I would feel like we were never going to connect with each other, and I felt like that was the worst thing I could have really been doing here. I was hating what I was feeling at this whole rate.

But despite what the heck I was feeling, I was feeling like I just needed to find something to do to focus on what was being presented with me. I was needing to focus on the life that I was going to live. I was feeling like I just needed to show off what I was wanting to do to make people see that I had wanted to make them feel better over everything that had been happening. I was wanting them to like what I accomplished.

I was feeling like maybe when I would talk with my parents again, they would just be angry at what I was doing, and be calling me wildly irresponsible for being out so late. But I would just tell them the truth. I was hanging out with some friends, and lost track of time, and hardly knew what the heck I was doing. And that as a result, I had no idea what I was doing, and then apologize, and leave the subject alone as a result of this.

I was happy to know that I was going to be able to convince Tyler to be giving Seth a chance. I mean, I truly felt like he deserved something better. I truly felt like he had deserved something better than what he had been given, and I was just going to need to see what the heck was going to be making him feel better over this all. I just felt like I needed to make him see that Seth knew what he was doing to some extent.

But then again, I was unsure of that myself. I mean, I was feeling like perhaps Seth was just kind of unsure what he was doing. And that if this was the case, then I would be looking like the one who was the idiot, who was giving him too much credit, and then if he ended up messing things up, it would be all my fault, and I would have no leg to stand on if Seth were to go on and try to tell me that I really messed up. Because in his own way, given the context, he would have been right, and there was nothing that I could do to argue with him on any of this.

I had felt like maybe I was needing to be thinking a bit more of what I was going to do if it had turned out if Seth was going to fail. I would be having to console him, and make him feel better. I would have to find a way to make it up to him though. Since I feel like if something were to drag down his performance, it would be my fault in a way, for getting his hopes up, and then as a result, I would need to truly look at myself, and work hard to forgive myself for almost being a liar in a way.

Well, I never really considered myself a liar. Just a person who might have been misguided. But then again, as I was feeling like I needed to think on what was going on longer, I was thinking of what Seth was going to be up to. The fact that he was going to be going out, and actually trying to get somebody to like his performance. I was feeling like maybe he was going to be the one who would need some help getting all the way through this whole thing.

The more that I was getting to my house, the longer that I was feeling like I needed to find a way to make myself seem less bad on the event that my parents were waiting for me to give me a verbal ass whooping. But I just did not even care what was going on right now. I was just going to be focusing on the fact that my siblings seemed to finally care in their own way, and that even Gabe did care. He was just having a hard time showing it considering the fact that he was not really keeping this to some level of public knowledge or anything.

Eventually, I placed my hand on the knob, and was taking a long and deep breath as I went inside of the house, ready for whatever was going to be happening. And as I was going inside of the house, I was taking a deep breath. I was feeling like maybe when I was inside, I would just go right inside, and I would be done, and that I was going to be a totally fine person right now, who did not make any real mistake.

I looked over, and when I had done this, I was seeing that Henry was sitting down on the couch, watching something on the television. As I was seeing him, I was seeing that he was watching some stupid horror movie. I was smiling, knowing that he was doing what he had wanted, and I was feeling like maybe that even if I did not get the appeal, I would let him do his own thing, and I would not tell him stop, and I went inside of my room to sleep.

...

-Dec 4 1993 3:05 pm- I was off to do my own thing, and I was feeling like maybe I just needed to find a way to be making the weekend seem like it was going to work out, and not be feeling like I was just sort of wasting my time or anything like that. I was feeling like I was just going to waste my time if I did not do something that weekend. Maybe just sort of working on some music could be the best thing that I could be able to do. I did not know what Seth was up to. Considering the fact that he was barely having any friends.

I thought on what it must have been like to not really have any true friends like him. I was feeling like maybe when I was going to put that in perspective, I would be able to sort of understand what the heck was going on, and I was going to be able to try and reach out to him, and make him feel like there was somebody there that could make him feel better right now.

I felt like maybe if he had some real friends, and not just people in his family who were nice to him out of the fact that he was in their blood, but somebody who would actually make him feel like he was at least sort of valued as a person. I felt like maybe I just needed to find a way to make this whole thing actually work out. Which was just too much for me to really actually consider what the heck was going on right now.

I felt like maybe I would help him win this talent show. If I did something like that, I could be able to make him see that there are people who were actually going to be able to trust him and all of this stuff. I was feeling as if I just needed to go on and see that if people did respect his comedic value, he might be able to get people to finally see that he was not really making a huge problem right now.

I had wondered what the heck the issue with him really was. I mean, what type of stuff did he present at these shows to make people not really like him at all? I mean there were people in our age who did not really know what it was like to appreciate his comedic value, and as a result, would just brush him off as kind of annoying. But I had felt like I needed to see why people in his age did not get it.

It was something that I felt like I needed to look deeper into. But at the same time, I did not make him feel too bad or like I was clinging on too much, since I knew that if I did that, he would probably be telling me off, and that he was just getting annoyed with how much I was wanting to help, and then if he was going to be telling me this, then I would feel like I ended up making him feel like I had wasted his time for virtually no real reason.

I was sort of wondering what the heck I was actually doing right now. I was wondering why I would give a fuck what people were thinking of my younger brother. He was just doing his own thing, and he was off on his own path, and there was no real reason to be making a huge deal out of what he was doing. So I was feeling like I would be all fine with all that was happening. But before I could think on it too much, that was when Todd was coming by to me, and he was looking like he had wanted to do something else. "Hey, I was wondering if you had any plans going on?"

"I was probably just going to be working on my music, and seeing what type of stuff that I could be working on. But it will really not be all that big of a deal. Was there something that you were planning on right now?" I asked, and then I was looking right at Todd, wondering if there was something that he was wanting to do.

"Well, I was going to be going on a date with Bebe in a few hours. I know that you might not be too interested in anything like that, so I will not bore you out of your mind with something like that. But to be honest, I think that maybe we could go on and talk for a bit before hand. I was wanting to talk about what you had told me a couple of days ago." After Todd said that to me, I was sort of sighing, feeling like the sooner I got this over with, the better it would be.

"Yeah, I was kind of wondering if you were going to be coming along and wanting to talk for a bit about that. I feel like this is something that is really important." I said, and then I was looking right at Todd, wondering what the hell he was going to be telling me, and if he was going to be making me feel like a piece of shit for just trying to actually help out my sibling. Or if he was going to reveal that he actually shared my fears.

"Yeah, I know that you have been thinking deeply on this right now, and I feel like there is a lot of stuff that we could talk about. But I did not want to bother you if it was looking like you have moved on and stuff." After he was saying this to me, I was nodding, and then I was noticing that my shows were already on, and I felt like I might as well just place my guitar down after I dicked around on it for a few more seconds before I was ready to go out.

With that, we were getting out of the house, and I was seeing Todd looking right at me as he was in the car, and I was in the passenger seat. He looked like he was actually kind of worried about me. "Hey Todd, what is making you change your mind on all of this so suddenly? I mean, you were certain that this was a bad idea just a few days ago." I said, and then he was starting up the car, in order to gain some distance on us and the house, where we could be able to talk quietly for a bit longer.

"I actually did not disagree with you. I was wishing to actually talk about it. But I was hoping to do it away from the house, to make sure that nobody knew what we were doing." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more. But did not really have the balls to be doing such a thing given the situation.

"I am guessing that you were scared of him knowing what we were talking about? I should have been thinking about that a bit more before I decided that it was a great idea to go around and talk to him about this stuff. Sorry I did not really consider that." I said, feeling like a dumb ass. I was wanting to say more. But I was wanting him to just tell me what he was feeling, and then maybe we could reach something that can help us.

"Don't worry about it. I mean, in theory our set up was alright. But I was worried that people would be waking up if we were loud or something. You know, I just wanted to make sure that we took all the precautions needed to make sure that we did not make a giant fucking mistake of anything like that." Todd said, and then I was shrugging, as if conceding that this was a good point that he had been making at the moment. But I wanted to get right to the main discussion thread on what to do.

"So, what do you think is actually going on with him?" I asked, wondering what the heck I was going to be able to say, and I was hoping that he had some advice on how to be taking this whole thing, since it was just looking to be a bit too much. I just needed to know what I could do to make him look better.

"I think that there is something he is clearly hiding from us. I feel like there is some validity to what he is doing, since there is a lot of stuff that is going on at this town, and there is no way around that. But even with that being in mind, I feel like he is being a bit too obsessed with this whole thing. I was feeling that if I could see where he was coming from more, and hear his side of the argument, then maybe I could help him out a bit." Todd said, and I knew that he was aware that something like this was just not going to work. But I did not want to fight him with this.

"I think that there is something that he could learn here, but I think that to be going this deep into the whole thing might be a bit useless, and that he just needs to fucking understand that there is no real need to be doing anything like that. I feel like he is just a little bit too worried. I think that the answers to all our questions will be coming along soon enough, and that he does not need to be so worried over anything like that." I was telling him, wondering what Todd would want to be telling me right now. Or if he was actually agreeing with me on this whole thing.

"He is just wanting to be coming off as the big hero. There is nothing wrong with anything like that. He is just wanting to branch out, and see how he is going to make people feel like there is hope for this place. But the sooner that he accepts that there is no hope, and that he is too into something that will just not happen, the better that he will be able to look at things." I was saying, feeling like I was needing to be nicer on this, but did not really care anymore.

"Being the hero is going to put him in danger. It is going to be greatly increasing his chances of fucking dying or something. I think he needs to understand that he is looking at something that is just out there. Something he needs to let go of. I mean, he deserves to have some idea of this place being safe, but if it is going to be coming at the expense of himself, then it will not be worth it at all." I was saying, and then I was sighing, wondering what the purpose on this would have been.

"But that being said, I think he does have some valid ideas right now. I think I need to see where he is coming from. I think that just brushing him off is only going to be one of the worst options so far. And that is why I am going to be seeing what the hell I could do to make it all better. I just need to talk with him, and see what he is wanting to explain to me, and then everything will make some sense." I said, and then I was sighing, feeling like I just needed to see where this was going to go now.

"Do you think that he will actually let us know what his plans are going to be, if he has anything? I think that if we want to be acting like he is onto something, then we actually need to know that he is, and that we are not just giving him credit for nothing." He was saying to me, and I knew that it was going to be a bit rough to go through with what he was saying, but I knew that he was just trying to make me see where he was coming from.

"I think he will probably be lying about it. I mean, I know that it might be a bit rude to be saying this, but I really doubt that he is truly believing where he is coming from. So I think that I need to be more open to the idea that something is not actually being explained here." I said, feeling like I was needing to find something else to sort of get me to know if he was actually onto something or not.

Eventually, Todd was parking the car, and then he was looking right at me, wondering what the heck he was going to be doing right now. "I just think that he is going to be letting his good intentions get in the way of reality. I think that he means well, but that does not mean that he is actually doing something good, and I think he will be seeing that soon enough." After he told me this, I was feeling like I was just needing to see what his problem was right now.

"I think that maybe I will try to talk to him on it. See what he is planning. I think he will be more willing to talk with me, and I think that this is the only thing that I can actually do here." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering what the heck was going to be happening. and if he was really knowing what the heck to be telling me right now. We got out of the car, to pretend like nothing was actually happening right now, and that I was actually not making anything too hard or deep on this.

...

-Dec 5 1993 5:05 am- I was waking up, feeling like the nightmare that I had was just a bit too strange to be really wrapping my mind around. I hated having these nightmares, and they were getting kind of annoying, and it was going to get to the point to where in a way, I just could not be able to take it anymore. But I did not really want to be too rude on this whole thing.

I was feeling like I was just needing to write the music for a bit, and not really be making things too much worse. I was needing to sleep a bit longer, and I was just needing to worry about my music later and stuff. That being said, I was sort of wishing that I was not going to be thinking on this entire thing every moment. I was just needing to sleep, and sort of get this whole thing over with, and just be done with it all.

I was unsure of why the heck I was even caring so damn much on the fucking music. Why I was putting literally everything behind me just for the sake of the music. I was needing to sleep, and the longer that I could sleep, the easier that things were going to be, and I could be able to have a more clear mindset on what the heck I was actually doing. But I had felt like nobody was really wanting to speak out to me, and really get to know where I was actually coming from.

Once I was basically deciding that I was going to be heading to sleep, I would sort of be making things much better for myself. I was sort of laying on the bed, feeling like the longer that I would be asleep, the more that I could be able to make him actually sort of make it look like the show was going to come together and make everything just so much better. I mean, I did not care about what was going on anymore. I just needed to sort of relax on this a while longer.

I was telling myself that maybe once I was going to get Seth to know what his jokes were like, I was feeling like I could be able to get some stuff for the back ground music for his performance to sort of be ready. I had felt like this was the only thing that I had needed, and in all honesty, I was just needing to not be too worried on what the heck I had been doing. I would just simply ask him what was going on, and then I would be able to sort of find something to make it all work out at the end of the road. But maybe I just needed to make Seth know that nothing else mattered, or at least I would make it look as such.

I was very close to heading to bed when I was hearing a noise that confused me. I wanted to see what the heck the noise was, so I was standing up, and I was going to see that it was Lydia getting something to drink from the kitchen sink, and I was wanting to say something to her. But at the same time, I was feeling like there was virtually no point to be doing something like this. I was thinking about just leaving her alone.

I figured that I would go on and talk with her for a couple of minutes, and see what she was feeling, and then I could be able to help her out, and see what the heck her fears were, or if she had wanted to go on and say something to me right now. To make it all come together much better. "Hey, how are you doing? What kept you up tonight?" I asked, and then I was looking right at her, wondering what the heck I was going to be able to say to her to make her feel different on this whole thing.

"I was just having to deal with the twins, and I was kind of wishing to make them feel better. But they were just talking about some nightmare. I can't really do much about it to be honest." She was telling me, and then I was looking right at her, wondering what the heck was going to be coming out of this right now. That maybe we needed to go on and find something else to discuss here.

"What type of nightmare were they having?" I asked, and I was just genuinely curious what she was going to be saying. I was thinking that maybe I could be able to help her out, and give her some advice on how I could be able to make her feel better about the fact that she had no real idea what the heck was going on. But she sighed, feeling like there was no point in trying to hide anything from me.

"Just something about their fear of a guy who is coming along and going on to try and break into the house. I mean, it is a bit of a strange one considering how young they are, but I could not be too shocked if they could be right." After she had said that to me, I was seeing her looking like she had not wanted to say more, in fear of triggering me. But I was feeling like she was probably just telling the truth right now.

"I guess that they are not really wrong. I mean, I never saw anything like this. But from what I have been hearing about the town and everything, I thinking that there is some level of validty to this right now." I said, and then I was just thinking about what the heck I was going to have to do be able to do in order for her to fully give me what the heck I need to actually know to help her out here right now.

"I mean, I think that if something were to be happening to my siblings, I would be a bit angry, and I would just want to go on and see what I can do to help them out." After she was saying that to me, I was seeing her looking like she had genuinely meant what she was saying, and I was feeling like I was just needed to not be pushing her into feeling like she did not need to worry on this too much. After all, she had five younger brothers.

"There are some things you can't change. I think that if you were to go on and try and change all of this, then it is going to be a bit of a time waster. I mean, I think you are going to just have to find a way to make yourself feel like you are not forced to do anything too dangerous. I would never really want you to go on and try to make much of a difference on this." I was saying, and then I was feeling like I just needed to find something to do to make it all different, and not be making her feel too wrong on any of this.

I was feeling like I just had to find something else to say. "And never go on and forget this important fucking thing." I said, and then I was getting on one of my knees, looking right at her on her eyes, and I placed my hand on her shoulder, to be making this very clear to her, while also not making her feel too bad right now. I was smiling at her, and seeing her looking unsure of what I was going to say now.

"You are always going to be my baby sister. You are always going to be the girl who I will have to make sure is happier than anything in the world. I need to make sure that nothing you fear is going to hurt you. You are the one that matters the most in my confused eyes." I said, and I was feeling like total shit for turning what was going to start off as a cute moment with my siblings, and turned it into a moment where I was basically just confirming to her that I had no idea what the fucking hell I was doing in my life right now.

"You might not get it right now, but you helped make this house a better place. You helped make all of us a better person, and you need to remember how much you changed us for that alone." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and I was wondering what she was going to be saying. Or if she was going to want to be saying anything at all, to try and get to know the truth here.

"How does me being around make you guys better people?" Lydia asked, and despite the fact that she was trying too hard to get to know the truth, I was feeling like this was a valid question, and that she had every right to know the answer to. I was smiling, feeling like I just needed to go on and tell her what I knew. But at the same time, I did not want to confuse her, and make her have differing opinions of her family at the moment.

"If I were to try and explain it all, then there is a good chance you do not know what I am trying to talk about, or you might be feeling like I am just over stating this. I think that maybe I might be. But it would take a while to try and go through it all for you to get this." I was saying, shaking my head, feeling like I just needed to find something else to say. But did not really feel the need to do such a thing at the moment.

"Alright, if you say so. But don't get too sappy with me right now. I don't like it when my older brothers get sappy. It makes me feel weird." She said, smiling at me, and trying to make me feel better, and trying to make me feel like she could get me to know what the heck was going on here. I was feeling like I just needed to try to try and have a conversation that was not going to be making her feel like I was pressing her too much with what I had been speaking of.

"I will try my best to not be sounding too strange or hard pressed for you. I think that maybe you deserve something like that. Considering the fact that you are just trying to enjoy your life and stuff." I said, and then I was looking right at her, wondering what the heck I was going to be telling her now. I was feeling like if I tried to say anything else, then the words would be feeling like they were kind of losing their point in a way.

"I just feel like when I see you, and see you feeling so much better, I can't really feel like I am going to leave you out on anything. I feel like I need to try and show you what I know, when I feel like you are ready for the truth." I said, and then I was wondering what the heck I was going to be telling her now. I did not think that I needed to say anything else to Lydia, as I was feeling like anything else would have been a lie in a way, and I would hate that.

"What type of enjoyment do you get out or your music? That is the only thing I want to know right now." She said, and then I was thinking about it for a moment, thinking on what I could tell her without having her feeling like I had been pushing anything onto her, and making her feel like I was lying or anything like that. I just wanted to find a way to change my presentation for the best.

"I feel like it makes me more connected with the world. It makes me feel like I can be a better person, sort of expressing the way I feel to the world. I like to express the way that I feel to the world, as it makes me feel like I can sort of just make something different." I said, and then I was seeing her looking like she had wanted to know the logic behind this, but did not want to push or annoy me on any of this anymore.

"I feel like it just is more honest with myself. I feel like when I am more honest with myself, I become a better person connecting to those around me. It makes me feel like I know what I am really going to be getting into." I said, and I was feeling like I was just needing to be leaving the whole thing alone, and not be trying to push her on any of this, and that I just needed to wrap up, and that I had made my own point in my way without going too far.

With that, the two of us were letting the time come to our minds again, that we were feeling like maybe that was more important, and that we just needed to go on and get to bed soon. "Well, see you again soon. Hope that you have a good rest of the night." I said, and then I was seeing her looking a bit better on any of this, and then she was heading down the stairs, and then I was going right to my room, feeling like that was what I had needed to go to bed now.

I laid down on my bed, feeling so much better about what was going on, and felt like I could finally make some peace with what I had been getting through. I was feeling like the music was all that I had fucking needed. I just needed to make it all work, and I was needing to make sure that Seth was happy, and feeling like he had a chance to truly be himself in a way.

...

-Dec 5 1993 11:14 pm- I was thinking about wrapping things up, and going off to be doing my own thing, and not giving a single shit what people were thinking of me, when I was feeling like there was something that I was needing to go on and see. Something that I was wanting to go on and check out, for my own personal sake and stuff. I was feeling like maybe I could get more people to join the music duo, and even if it might annoy Tyler at first, I would be able to get him to see where I was coming from.

As I was feeling like this, and wanting to go on and see what it would be like, I was wondering if he would like this idea. So with that, I was getting out of my room, and I was feeling like I could check out what he would be feeling here real quick, and seeing what he would want to tell me, and if he had any ideas on what we should be doing. I was hoping that maybe he could actually have a few clues on where to be going now.

In a way, I was just not giving a single fuck what anybody else was going to be telling me. I was feeling like the only important thing was to go on and see what the heck Tyler would suggest to my idea. And who knows, he might actually agree with me, and then we would be able to work out who we would want to be bringing into the band, so we could see what we can do to make it all work out for the best and stuff.

I had felt like this was the only thing that I could do. I just needed to find a way to approach the subject, and not only approach the subject, but be able to possibly get him to give me good suggestions on who it should be. I was feeling like he would probably just brush the idea, and tell me that this was something that I would need to look into, and not be forcing him into all of this, and that I was making a big mistake forcing him to try and give me the answer.

I was feeling like when I would get the answer, the idea of branching out, and making a band in a way would have been rather exciting. I mean, I had nothing against working with Tyler. But the idea of having a band, and truly being able to get a team to agree with hat we should be doing, and find a way to gather all of the stuff we wanted together, I felt like it was going to be the least that we could do to make it work.

I was wondering what the heck I would be able to do to make Tyler actually like these ideas and stuff. I was thinking that maybe him liking the idea was the only thing that truly mattered. I was feeling like if I did not get him to come along and appreciate the idea of having a band, I was feeling like a giant mistake was going to be made, and I would have to sort of be able to accept the fact that in a way, my vision would never be able to really go out and be the way that I was desiring, which would kind of suck.

But at the same time, I felt like I just needed to try and see how it could work. I was getting my guitar, and I played on it for about a minute or two for the sake of having fun before I placed it in its case, and I was shaking my head, feeling like my parents were going to have a fucking aneurysm if they had been finding out what I had been doing, and that they were going to pretty much ground me for like a fucking month or something.

I was wondering what I would even tell them to get out of trouble if they were going to do something like this. If they were going to tell me to fuck off, and accept the punishment of what I had done. But then again, I was feeling like I was being a bit silly, and that I needed to just take things easier, and not be making things any worse. I was feeling like maybe I could go on and see what the next song would be anyways, since I had felt like that was more important. I wanted to see what he had been working on, if he had been working on it at all in the first place.

Eventually, I had reached where his house was, and then I was taking a long and deep breath, feeling like I just was really needing to get it in my head that I should stop coming around like this, and not be getting in his business on the event right now, and that I needed to find a way to make him feel better. I was feeling like I just needed to come up with a recruit, and see what the heck he was going to be saying now.

I knocked on the door, and waited for several seconds. I was about to give up, and go home, and not be making a huge deal out of it since it was something I did not really care about all that much when there was a response, and when this had happened, that was when I was seeing Tyler looking at me, and he was curious what I was planning on doing, so he was placing his arm on the wall of the door frame, looking like he was wanting for me to just start talking.

"Yeah, well I was wanting to go on and talk about the future of our group. I was thinking that maybe we could go on and get a new member of this group together, and maybe we can make a small band out of it. I mean, it would kind of ruin everything do far that we have been working on, but I think it could be wise." I said, and then I was looking at him, wondering what he was going to be saying in response to my idea.

...

-Dec 6 1993 4:00 am- I was then looking at Tyler as I was about to be heading on home, genuinely wondering what his plans were going to be now, and if he was going to try and find a way to tell me off, or if he was actually going to be supporting my plans right now. I was just feeling like I needed to be finding a way to know how to be helping me out in a way. "So Josiah, if you feel like bringing in a new person to the crew is going to be a good idea, who do you think you would suggest bringing in here?" He asked, and then I was sighing, feeling as if the next answer was important.

"Well, I was thinking about maybe going to the band room, and finding some people that way. I feel like there might be some people there who are at least kind of interested in helping us out. I feel like if for nothing else, we can go on and try to see what they would be like." I said, and then I was looking at him, wondering what he would be saying to this idea right now.

As I was seeing him deep in thought on this whole thing, he was clearly looking like he had wanted to try and debate me with this, but that there was no real need to debate me. I was seeing that there was a small part of him that was actually looking like he was almost liking this idea, and as a result, was feeling like he was going to want to go along with this now.

"Well, I think that maybe if we are able to get to know what he is feeling, then we can be able to see what we can do here. I just don't really know if this is going to be super easy or not though." He was saying, looking right at me, and I was seeing him looking like he was truly wanting to know if I had believed in this whole thing. In all honesty, I could not even find a proper way to explain the way that I had felt on this right now.

"Well, who were you thinking when you are saying 'he?' I think that maybe we need to at least be on the same page before either one of us go off and try to reach out to somebody. That way, we can be able to get ready to say something to him, and see what he would want to be talking to us over." I was saying to him, truly feeling like this was the most important thing that we could be discussing. He was looking at me, as if thinking that the answers were kind of obvious right now.

"I don't know what you would be thinking about this idea, but I was thinking that we can approach that Simon guy. You know, the blonde dude? I think that he might be a good person to be looking for and stuff. When we talk with him, we could be saying how we would really like a new person to be helping us with the music, and make it work." After he was saying this to me, I was looking right at him, feeling like I needed to find something to say to make it all seem a bit more logical now.

"I guess that maybe he is not a bad person to try and reach out to. I just don't know if he would be really wnating to do something like that. He might be finding that idea kind of silly, and be telling us that we need to go on and try to do something else. But I feel like maybe I can try it out." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was feeling like maybe this response was going to be able to give us both more of a idea on connecting with each other.

"To be honest, I think that he might be wanting to see what we like to do. You know, finally see what we are like. I mean, he always seems to be willing to go out and try new types of music. I think that all we really need is a good platform to be getting him to think that our ideas are good, and not be thinking that we were just being stupid." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking rather unsure of what the heck to be telling me now.

"Well, I mean, this is better than nothing at all. I think that if for nothing else, we might as well just go on and see what they might be willing to tell us. But I just feel like there is something about him that could be able to ruin the whole thing. But maybe I am just being worried for no real good reason. Besides, a person who does not fully agree with us is something we should expect, and maybe even try to promote." I said, and then looked right at him, wondering what he was going to say now.

"I think that he is just a bit of a strange guy is all. But when you have nine brothers, and a sister, being strange is not really all that bad, and is something that you probably get used to after a while." After I was saying that to Tyler, I was seeing him looking like he had no idea what to be saying, as if the idea of having that many siblings was just fucking alien to him. I did not blame him for feeling this way in his own regard.

"I seriously will probably never have any idea how you are able to do it. The whole ten siblings thing. If I had ten siblings, I would be probably going crazy, and I would have to find something to do to try and make some sense out of this. But I guess that it is not really going to be all that much of a difference." Tyler was saying, trying to be funny about it, and I was feeling like I just needed to find some better answers to be making. To make him feel better on this whole thing. If such a thing was even going to be possible to accomplish.

"Well, I mean, it is not all that bad after a while. I mean, sure people might be kind of confused by it, and I think that if I were in their spot, they would probably be somebody who I would never really understand. But unless if something like that happens, I would probably be able to get over it all." I said, and then I was just trying to be finding something better to say. I was feeling like maybe saying more would make some sense out of this all. But I did not think that it would even matter in a perspective.

"I think that if I had any more siblings, I would be probably over it. But it feels like every single time a new one shows up, after a couple of weeks, I would be coming to a point where I sort of accept the new child, and make peace with it. Then after a year or two, it is like the new norm. Then my parents do the announcement that there is yet another one coming, and I have no idea what to say to these types of things." I was shrugging, feeling like I just needed to find more to say. But I just could not, no matter how much I was really wanting to make it seem like it made any sense.

"But my parents are telling us all that this is the last one. That they are truly done after this. I mean, I don't really know if that is going to be the truth. I would not be too shocked if that is false. In fact, I would be more than willing to bet that something like this is false. That being said, I hope that maybe I could be able to shed some light on this, and be ready for either life style coming along." I said, and then I was looking right at Tyler, wondering if he was having something to be saying right now.

"I guess that siblings are something that are not really all that strange after a certain period of time. But honestly, do you think they are going to be ready for more? Do you think that they would handle it, or that they are only going to just make things worse if they were to go on and do it?" After he was asking me this, I was feeling like I just needing to sort of find a better answer to keep this whole thing together, and seeming to be of interest to us.

"Do you have a idea how many siblings that you should have had? You know, how many it would have taken for it to feel like everything could be sort of just fine for you all? The family and stuff?" After Tyler asked me this, I was thinking about that. I felt like the question was harmless enough. But I had no idea what I would be telling him, and I had no idea what I was wanting to tell him, no matter what I could be able to find.

"Honestly, I think that they should have maybe stopped after the third or fourth one. It seems like my father was always too busy to continue to really pay attention to us, and then my mother seemed to have a relatively mixed opinion on hanging out with us lately. But that being said, I feel like maybe I should be giving them more of a chance. I mean, she is harmless enough. Given the situation." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to find more to be saying. To be making it seem like it was not all that strange, and that I was not trying to push things too much on any of this.

"Hey, do you think that your parents would have wished to try and approach you more often? Do you think that maybe something like this was something they regretted, and that is why they are doing something like this? I mean, I think that this is genuinely possible." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he had just wished to know what to be saying at this point in time, at this whole rate.

"I think that my parents do care about us in their own way. I think that they are wanting to find a way to help us out. But that at the same time, I think that they are going to just sort of accept that things are not going to be super simple. I think that maybe they are just going to be wanting to apologize for the issues. And I guess that as we grow older, year by year, I do believe it more." I said, and then I was feeling like I was sort of just moving on bit by bit the more that I was saying this.

"Honestly, I think that they are just going to be needing some time. I am not really all that worried about them. I think that they are going to be over it eventually. I just wish that I was able to go on and apologize for the mistakes that I have made. I mean, I am no saint as well. And I ended up making my own fair share of mistakes on where this whole thing went, and I should have been more polite on this." I was saying, unsure where to be going now.

"Well, I think that they are honestly not bad people, from what I have seen. I mean, I could be wrong. But from the way that they seem to be acting around you, and the way that it seems like they are slightly changing their perception, I feel like maybe it is not really all that big of a deal." After Tyler was telling me this, I was seeing him looking at me, as if feeling like this question was the most important one he could be asking.

"Do you think that your family is supportive of the whole music thing? Or do you feel like this music thing is a waste of time in their eyes? I am genuinely curious to be hearing what you think on the matter." After he was asking me this, I was thinking about it, feeling like I just needed to come up with a good answer. And one that I was feeling like could have been honest.

"I think that they are just worried that I might be doing something that I will either regret, or that I will be finding a bit of a waste of my time. But I think that in the long run, they are going to be kind of fine with it. I think that soon enough, they will be kind of over it." I was saying, and I was feeling like I just needed to find a better answer to be making in this whole issue. But at the same time, I just needed to be finding some more of a way to make my parents seem to be alright.

"I will just be sort of finding something that they will enjoy from what I am doing. Something that makes them feel like they truly know what I am doing. I think that if I am able to show them that I am not wrong on this, and that I know how I am making this work, they might be able to sort of work with me, and that they will actually almost be able to sort of break through, and just see how it can work out." I was saying, sighing, feeling like I did not need to be saying anything else. That saying anything else was just going to be a bit of a pointless piece of talking.

"To be totally honest, I just think that I need to finally break through, and show them a good performance. One that I can be proud of. One that can make me feel like they know how I am doing. Once I can accomplish this, they will finally appreciate the work that I am putting on this, and they might be willing to admit that I am finally doing something good." I was saying, feeling like I just needed to be finding out something else to say. But I also felt like I needed to just be leaving the subject alone, and make Tyler see that he was now going to have a turn to talk soon.

"How do you think that this performance will be shown? Do you think that going to that talent show, and winning it, will be able to make the difference?" He asked me, and I was feeling like I just needed to find a good answer for him. Despite the confusion that I was feeling, I was feeling like I just needed to find more to say to make it all make some sense in the end.

"I think that it will be a start. It certainly can be a lot worse. I mean, sure it might not be the thing that truly sells them on the idea that this will work. But I think that there is certainly nothing wrong about the idea. I just wish that maybe I could be able to know what it would take to win the shows." I was saying, feeling like the more that I knew, the better that things were going to be, and that it could come around easier.

"Well, I guess that doing the whole thing with Simon will be a good start. I think that if you can really get something good with your brother, then maybe he will be able to make something work as well. But I doubt that it will really be that simple with him. No offense, but I think that the idea of bringing Seth along is still a bit of a strange idea. I mean, it is not the worst thing ever. But I feel like I need to sort of be ready to know what I am going to be expecting with him." Simon was saying, looking right at me, and was sort of hoping to know what the heck I was going to be saying now.

"I think that maybe Seth will be able to sort of help me off. I mean, I doubt that it will really be that simple. Maybe I am sort of lying to myself when I say that. But I feel like it is going to sort of be worth it. Just going along, and having some fun with him, and seeing if Seth will be able to finally open up and show me some more stuff on what the heck is happening." I was saying, feeling like I just needed to sort of find some better way to go on this. If I could at all.

"I think that he better do something like that. Because I don't want people to start to think that you are not ready for the music, just because they think that you can't go far with it. If what you are saying is the truth." Tyler said, and I was seeing him looking like he was kind of angry with this, and I was wondering why this would bother him so much. I mean, he was just talking about my family. I might not agree with the way that my family treated this, but they were doing nothing wrong.

"I mean, they are being innocent enough as it is. I think that they are just harmless, or at least trying to be. I mean, I could not be too rough with them, and if I was going to be rough on them over this, I think that I will be the one who will be making the mistake here." I was saying, and I was genuinely meaning what I had been saying here, and I was just not saying this in order to make them seem less bad or anything like that. I was truly just meaning something like that.

"Yeah, I guess that everything is going to be fine. I just wish that I knew what it would be like to have somebody who was wanting to make sure that I was getting far with my music tastes. I mean, I would actually assume that your siblings do care in their own way, even if I do not really fully get where they are coming from." After he was saying this to me, I was feeling like I just needed to work out what to be doing now.

"But do you think that your parents really do not care? I think that they are fine enough. I think that they just do not know it. I doubt that they actually straight up do not care." I was saying, and I was genuinely meaning what I was saying, and I did not want to be making any more of a issue on this. I was feeling like I was going to have to find more to say. But I did not even really feel the need to be doing something like that for the time being.

"I think that they are just always so busy, doing their own thing, that they do not know what they are actually doing. I mean, I can't really blame them or anything like that. But at the same time, I just sort of wish that they were able to go on and show some form of an interest in this whole thing. It would be the only thing they could do that would actually make me feel like an actual kid of theirs." He was saying to me, and I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say more, but did not want to be sounding silly.

"I just don't really know what the heck is going on right now. I wish that I know what to say to you to make you feel better. But I feel like if I were to try to, people would not believe in you. I guess that it is really not all that big of a deal." I said, and then I was feeling like I was going to need to find something else to sort of be making something else bring it all together.

...

-Dec 6 1993 3:15 pm- I was walking along, and I was feeling like if I was fast enough I could be able to catch Simon, and see what he was feeling, and see if I could be able to get him to talk with me, and see what he was wanting to speak to me over. I was feeling like if I could get him to speak with me, and get him to join the band, or something, then it might be easier to accomplish this whole thing.

I was needing to just see if he was wishing to even speak out to me in the first place. I was hoping to see if Simon had any true music ambitions, or if he was going to just tell me that he was doing this for the school work, and that he wanted nothing to do with me, and that he was just sort of doing what he needed to do to make sure that school was working out for the best. I was kind of feeling awful about the entire situation. Trying to bring some random guy into a band we had no idea would be successful or not.

Eventually, I was seeing him right at the front of the school, and I was deciding that I just needing to go on and see what was going on with him. I was walking to him, and then when I was right next to me, he was looking at me, looking kind of confused for a second, and was clearly just wanting to see what the heck I was wanting to speak to him on.

"Hey, I know this might seem a bit random, and I would not blame you if you wanted to just tell us off right now. But I think that I might have an idea that you might be interested in." I said, and then I was seeing him looking right at me, and he was clearly just wanting to see what the hell I was talking to him about. And he wasn't even doing it all that polite. I could see that he was just wanting to get this over with as fast as humanly possible.

"My friends and I were planning on making a small band for the talent show. We heard your music, and thought you were pretty good." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was actually kind of flattered by me saying that. Then he was sighing, feeling like he was needing to find something else to say. To try and make me feel like this was probably a bad idea. But I was holding up my hand, as if showing him that I did not need him to worry about that or anything.

"Don't worry about it in all honesty. We were talking about it a lot, and I think that we made the agreement to do something like this. I was just hoping that we could be able to get you to consider the idea. Since it looks like you never really have anybody that reaches out to you, and I think that it might be a bit fun. And if it doesn't work, then we can just go our own separate ways." I said, trying to reach out to the man, to make him feel better on this right now.

As he was looking like he was wanting to argue with me, I was seeing him just sort of wanting to find something else to tell me. But then he was just taking a long and deep breath, feeling like he was going to be leaving this alone now. "What makes you actually want to perform at the show anyways? I think that it would be a terrible idea. Knowing that there are going to be a couple hundred people talking with you, trying to make you feel like either you are god and raise their expectations too high, or tell you that you fucking suck, and nobody wants to work with you ever. The fear is just too much to really look at." Simon was telling me, and then I was thinking about what I could tell him to change his mind on the matter, to make him feel more open here.

"Well, that feeling does exist, but when you get over it, and you are able to just feel better, I think that everything would be alright. I think you don't need to worry about it. Sure, if you were alone, there would be something that could make this seem more true. But when you have people with you, I think that everything would be fine, and you would not need to fear it all that much." I said, and then I was just wanting to see if he was going to try and talk with me here, to get me to see how scary this was, or if he was going to actually think on this a bit more first.

"I just don't really know what to be feeling right now. I think that if you wanted to go out and perform, and you feel like it is not going to be all that hard, and that you just need to enjoy yourself, then you could try it. I think that maybe if you feel like somebody will be here to make me feel better, I might be able to sort of give it a try, and see what I can do to make it all better for me." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him sort of looking like he was willing to see what the heck I was actually going to want to say now.

"I would give it a try at least. I mean, if it turns out to be a bad idea, and that it turns out to be something that totally embarrasses us all, then I will apologize to you, and I will be making it clear that I am sorry for everything going on. But I doubt that it will really be all that bad after all." I said, and I was meaning what I had been saying, and I was feeling like I just needed to try and find something to say to him that could make him feel better about this whole thing, and I can make him feel like he was not going to have a issue reaching out to me or anything like that.

"Well, if you feel like something like this can work, then I guess that you can show me what exactly you were planning on working on. I mean, maybe if you have a good plan, I will roll with it, and see what to do now." After Simon was telling me this, I was feeling like I had needed to find something else to say. But at the same time, I just had no real clue what else I was needing to say now.

"Well, maybe we can go to my house, and I can bring along my other friend, and see what he is feeling, and maybe we can start to compare and contrast ideas on what to be making," I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was feeling like this was going to be a bad idea still, but that he was feeling like there was no real point in trying to be fighting with me on this, and that he would be giving this a chance.

"Alright, well I guess that maybe it might be worth giving a try. I mean, there is nothing wrong with just seeing what could be in store." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he could not fucking believe that he was saying this, and that he was feeling like this was going to be a terrible idea. But I had felt like I needed to give him a chance, and truly let him be able to show us what we were wanting to do now.

"Honestly, I think that you would do alright. I mean, you already do good when we are in band practice, and I think that as long as you channel that sort of performance again, then it will be fine." I said, and then I was feeling like the longer that I was saying this, and the more that I could make him feel open to this, then the more that I was going to be able to make him truly feel like he could think that this was a proper recruitment, and not just something that was being forced to him that he was going to honestly fucking hate in the long run. But I was going to be seeing how he was going to want to handle it all in the future.

Chapter Text

-Seth's POV Dec 6 1993 5:10 pm- I feeling a bit shitty. Knowing that I had no real friends, and that was the main thing I was wishing for more than anything else. I wanted a fucking friend. I needed a fucking friend, and have somebody who was going to be able to make myself feel better in all honesty. I mean, as nice as having my brothers and Lydia was, I felt like I needed to have something bigger than that to be making me feel better.

I felt like I just needed to find some form of a way to make them all feel better. I just felt like it was the least that I could have done. But at the same time, I had felt like I needed to just find something to say to make the siblings feel like they were not forced to try and make me feel better. As much as it was hurting to know that they did not need to be there to make me feel better, it hurt me even more to know that I will always be the least popular of the siblings.

But despite what I was feeling at that moment, I had felt like I just needed to find something else to sort of make myself feel like I was not in such a bad spot. I needed to just go on and try to reach out to the people that I went to school with. I needed to try and discourse with them. I needed to actually place in the effort. Doing this, staying around, and stewing in my hatred, was not going to be making things any different, and maybe even worse now.

I was feeling like if I hated the position that I was in so much, I needed to go on and actually try and make some friends. You know, make it seem like I know what I was doing. This was the best that I can do right now. I just needed to try and find a way to speak with them in a way that would make it seem like I sort of knew what was going on. I was feeling like the longer that I talked with them, and got to know them, the easier that things would have been. The better that things could have been in all reality.

I had wondered what I was going to do to get some real friends. That was the only thing that I had felt like I needed to be looking at right now. I just needed to show somebody my personality, and show some people that I was not a bad guy. No matter what it was going to be taking in order to get there, I just needed to sort of know what I was getting myself into. I needed to at least sort of be ready for the growing level of embarrassment.

The one thing that I was truly unsure of was why I was suddenly caring so much. Why I had gone all of this time, not giving a single shit, and then suddenly when I was in fifth grade, almost half way through my school life, I suddenly decided to make it feel like it did matter, and that I needed to try and do something else. I guess that there comes a point in time when everybody is just tired of being treated like a load of shit and stuff.

I was honestly just hating this whole thing.

As I was finally starting to realize how pathetic I was being right now, and how much I was just being stupid right now, I was then shaking my head, sort of hating myself. I hated myself in a lot of ways. I knew that I was too young to be doing something like this. But I could not fucking help it. I could not help but feel utter anger over myself, and not be angry with the people who were never going to be giving me some form of a chance in the end of the day.

I was shaking my head, feeling like maybe I just needed to be taking it easy, and realize that this was not that big of a deal, and that I was just making a huge issue over no real reason, and that I was needing to be taking it easy. That was when I was just looking at the blank television, thinking of something I could use for material and shook my head. I was placing my feet on the living room table, feeling like I was having virtually nothing at all.

I was thinking of if Josiah was at least putting up some good songs. If he was having some good songs that he was making, then that would be making me feel like we had a plan after all. A plan to sort of know what the heck we were doing in the first place. I was hating the fact that I was going to need to rely on Josiah and his friends on this to try and make the situation better, and I was feeling like I just needed to find some better way to be going at this. To not be feeling like I was going crazy at this whole entire thing. But then that was when there was a slight movement at the door knob.

I was then thinking that it was just one of my siblings, and decided not to be thinking too much into it. That was when I was looking at the television again, just trying to feel like I was going to be so much better right now. But then before I was thinking about it too much longer, that was when I was hearing Josiah, which at first I thought I could use this as a chance to get to know what he was planning. But then that was when I was seeing Josiah and some random blonde dude that I had never met before, and I was wondering what I could say to him to make him know that I needed to talk with him, and that I wanted to see who this bloke was that he was talking with.

"Who is that person you are hanging out with? Never seen them before..." I said, and I was hating myself even more now. The fact that he was able to go out and actually get to see somebody else who was willing to hang out with him, when nobody liked me, and probably thought of me as worthless garbage. I was hating every minute of it, and I was wishing that I could be able to find something better here, and that maybe I just needed to be more mature on what was going on here. If such a thing was even going to be possible.

"His name is Simon. Only just met him today, I don't think you would know anything about him." After Josiah was telling me this, he was looking like he was wanting to be pleasant. But at the same time, I was seeing him looking a bit unsure of if he had wanted to continue this discussion, and that he was clearly just sort of wishing that I would leave the subject alone, and not be making it seem like I was pushing him too much with this.

"This is my younger brother Seth. He is the one that I am going to be working with in order to have a good show for the talent show soon." Josiah said, and I was seeing a relatively mixed look on his face. I did not know if that was a good thing or not. But I was telling myself that as long as he was being polite with this, the more likely it would be that I would be able to impress this guy, or at least get him to accept my company.

"Did Josiah force you into joining him up for the performance?" I asked, hoping to be coming off as kind of funny, and I did not think that he was actually going to be giving me a concrete answer one way or another. "I mean, he often times tries to reach out to people to get them to join his stuff. Since he loves to be doing stuff like that." I was only partially telling the truth when I was telling him that, and I did not think what I was saying actually mattered that much.

"Well, I would not have done if it he did not talk with me first. I mean, I always think that this stuff is a bit strange for me. I always feel like if I try to present myself, then people will just always go on and find it funny, and find a good way to be making fun of me here." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was just trying to make it seem casual. But I do think there was something else he was wishing to say. But did not really have the balls to be doing such a thing.

"Why do you hate going on and performing in public? I mean, I always liked to do it. A lot of time it does not work out. But I certainly enjoy at least trying, and I know that if I don't at least try, then I will be feeling like I am not really accomplishing too much here." I was saying, and then I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more. But he was shrugging, thinking that maybe I was fine enough right now.

"I guess that you are not a person who is worried. I wished that I had that type of mentality. To just go on and not give a damn what people would be saying around me. If I did not care so much, then things might have been better for me. But to be honest, I think that there is some good about always looking for ways to not be making things too obvious. Because doing that helps prevent looking like you don't really understand comedy. Or music for me." Simon said, and then I was seeing him looking he wished to say more, but I felt like I needed to break down something else.

"Did you just suggest that you know me? I mean, you were mentioning jokes. Have you seen my stuff before? " I asked, and then I was feeling like I was being a bit dumb, and that maybe Josiah already told him. I was rolling my eyes, hating how stupid I was being, and that maybe I just needed to think about that before I said anything else here.

"Well, Josiah told me about the fact that it is like your thing. Also, I think that I have seen you perform once or twice, although I did not make the connection until now. My younger sister kind of likes you, although I do not think she would want to go on and admit that too much." After he was telling me this, I was looking at him, shocked that he had just admitted that. But I needed to know where he was coming from right now.

"Do I know her? Maybe I go to school with her or something..." I said, trying to find a way to be making this work out for my favor, and I was feeling like maybe when he would give me more details, I would have a starting spot, and I would be able to work with some information that he was giving me right now. I truly wanted to find something to make it look like I was going to have a starting spot to maybe branch out with some friends.

"She would be too young to know you. She is in the same grade as that Lydia girl. And I think that maybe she would not like to admit that she liked your stuff if somebody were to try and ask her." Simon said, and then I looked down, wishing that he did not say that to me. That he would have found something else to say that would have made me feel so much better. But that was just not going to fucking happen.

"Just when I thought that I had a classmate who might have liked my stuff, and that I could have reached out and made some friends. You seriously got my hopes up for a moment." I said, and I was sounding like a person who needed to just stop, before I made things worse for myself. Simon looked right at Josiah, clearly looking like he had wanted to say more. But was too worried to try and say something, in fear of how I was going to be reacting right now.

Then he looked right at me, thinking that he could try and say something else. "Listen, if somebody I know likes your jokes, then clearly there must be people in your grade who will like it. I am not really all that worried about it. I think that you will just have to look a bit harder. But for the sake of getting some people to interact with you, I think that it could be worth it." He was telling me, looking like he genuinely wanted to try and find some way to make it seem better.

"I guess that this might be true. But I feel like trying to find that person would take forever. And if they do, then they have not made any effort to try and find me, and try to show me that they like the stuff I present." I said, and then I looked right at him, wondering if he was going to try and debate with me on this, or if he was going to just be leaving me alone for the time being.

"I guess you are just going to have to look harder. I mean, if it helps you find somebody that likes you, then I think that something like this might be worth it." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was genuinely meaning it, and that he was wanting to help me out. But at the same time, I truly had no idea what I was going to try and say now. It just felt like it was a bit pointless now.

"Well, anyways, what type of music are you guys thinking about performing? You know, to make sure that you guys can be able to have a good performance." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was kind of interested to know why I was just forcing us to change the subject, and if I was hiding something when I was doing this. I mean, I just did not want to be making him feel like he had to deal with me any longer was the thing.

"Well, we are thinking that we might be going for rock. Sort of like what he usually does. Maybe throw in one pop song or something, just to maybe have the audience get a little bit more interested. Maybe use that as an in-between song. But I think we will mostly stick to the former." Simon told me, and then he was shrugging, feeling like he had no need to try and tell me anything else, and that he was being a bit uncertain what I was accomplishing now.

"I hope that it is going to be going well. I think that if you want to get the people to really enjoy what you are doing, the performance will have to be just alright. I mean, people barely perform music at the school talent shows. I think you will be doing just fine when you get up there, and show yourself." I was saying, and I was truly meant what I had been saying. I did not feel like what he was dealing with would have been all that strange.

"Well, if what you are saying is true, then I guess that we might be able to have a good time getting right into this. I was just worried that we were going to be getting decimated at the performance and stuff." After Simon was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wished to be saying more. But he was clearly looking like there was just virtually nothing else that I could say that could make things seem any different. But to be honest, I just did not really fucking even care at all.

"I think that we should probably be getting right to work soon. You know, so we can have a good start on what to be presenting to the school. I hope that you will have something soon enough. I think that if you try hard enough, you will be able to have something that you can work with. I think that you have nothing that you need to worry about right now." Josiah said, and then he was looking as if he was wishing to be saying more. But he did not want to say anything else, in fear that maybe we would just be wasting our time with this.

"Alright, I will be doing this. I mean, I just feel bad because I always feel like my jokes are not funny, and that nobody likes them. It makes me feel like shit when I do stuff like this, and that nobody really even cares for my humor. And I am honestly just kind of shocked that nobody makes fun of me over it." I said, and then that was when Josiah was thinking that maybe he was needing to say more. But that he was truly having no idea what he was even able to say to change my mind on this.

"If people don't make fun of you over it, that is a sign that there are probably at least some people out there who like it. I think you need to consider that you are liked by the school. But that maybe you do not try and reach out to them enough, and that is why you don't know this stuff right now." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing Josiah looking like he was mostly meaning what I had been saying right now.

"Maybe you're right. I don't know though. I just wish that I knew what I was doing though. It would make me feel better to know what is happening though." I said, and then I was feeling like I needed to just stop whining, and not be making a huge deal out of this whole thing. But to be honest, the whole thing was just going to be hard to do, and that was all that I was wanting to stop worrying on, and make myself feel better.

"Well, for real this time, we really do need to be getting to work. I hope that you will be fine enough." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him starting to head off, and I was sighing, feeling like I needed to know more of what I would say to make it feel different. But it had felt like it was just going to be a waste of time, and that I just needed to find something else to be doing. To try and change my focus, and make me think on something else.

But despite what the heck was going on, I was feeling like I needed to find something else to be talking over. I had felt like I just needed to focus on the notes, and that maybe in order to not fail my brother, and fail his friend, I was going to need to get serious soon, and that by doing this, I could be able to show people that I will be aware of how I am doing. That was all that I was needing to do. All that I was wanting to truly do.

I was then just getting up, and going right to my room, where I was picking up my jokes book, and then I was sitting down, feeling like maybe when I was working to make sure that things were good with my brother, that things were not all that bad. I was feeling like it was going to be the biggest thing that I can be looking for. I was just taking out a pencil, and I was thinking on what I could be able to do to start. What I was wanting to do to start, and to know what the heck I was going to be going down, and the path that this series was going to lead me.

...

-Dec 6 1993 9:20 pm- I was thinking about what the heck I was going to be doing right now, if I had any real plans right now. I was thinking that I just needed to get some fucking plans, and actually show people that I sort of knew what I was going to be doing now. I was then starting to look at Seth and Simon, and was thinking about what it would be like to have an actual friend. I was then starting to just go outside. Not to go anywhere or anything, but to just relax for a bit.

As I was outside, and waiting for a bit, I was wondering what I was going to be doing now. I was staring at the night sky, wanting to make some friends, and wanting to get people to pay attention to me. It was all that I had wanted. It was the only thing I needed, and the only thing that would be making me feel much better about what was going on here. And I needed to show people what I was going to be getting myself into in the long run.

I was thinking about the road that I was taking now. I was thinking that maybe I was just going to have to find somebody who lived nearby. As I was thinking that this was a starting point, I was taking a long and deep breath, feeling like this was going to be my starting point, and that I would just see what was going on with him. I was needing to be making peace with how hard this was going to be, but I was also going to just try and see how things were going to go before I whined too much on this.

I was then starting to try and wrap my mind around what I would tell people if I was to start to approach them. If I was going to approach them, I was feeling like they might be a bit confused, maybe slightly annoyed, but I had felt like they were going to be getting over it and stuff. I was just feeling like maybe I would try and be cordial with them, and that by doing this, I would get them to start to feel like I was making something actually work.

I was taking a deep breath, and then I was thinking that maybe I could always just look for somebody that I could talk with, and not only look for them, but be able to find a person who would actually listen to me, and be able to give me a chance, and see what the heck they would be wishing to tell me in the first place. I was just wanting to do this before anybody would know that I was doing something relatively stupid, so that would not be able to try and stop me from doing that.

I was starting to walk down the steps to the house, and I had taken a couple of steps, when I was hearing a call to me. It was Todd, and he was sounding both worried and slightly annoyed, but not angry. I was feeling like maybe he was just wanting to see if I was alright, and see if there was truly a chance he was going to be able to help me out in the long run.

"Seth, what is making you feel like going out in the middle of the night is a great idea? I mean, that might be really fucking dangerous, and I think that you should probably not do something like this." Todd was telling me, and he was just looking at me, and he was clearly wanting to find something to tell me, and I was feeling like he might be wanting to just keep how angry he was over this statement to himself. But then I was taking a deep breath, wishing to just find something to say.

"Just going out for a bit. I am feeling like I need to just find something to do to make me feel relaxed and calm. I know that it might not seem like a great idea to be doing this when it is getting late. But I know not to get too far away from the house." I said, and then I was looking down, hoping that I would not have to look at Todd, and that my lie would be enough for him to be going easy on me, and not be going in my business with what I was doing.

"What are you not telling me? If you feel like there is something going on, that you need to talk care of, I might be able to help you out." After he was saying this to me, I was just wanting to tell him off, and I was wanting to just be left alone. At least when I was alone, I would have some time to be thinking about what I was actually doing, and I would not be making things any worse, and I would be able to truly think about what I was doing.

After another couple of seconds, to sort of show that he was not letting anybody hear what we were talking about, he closed the door, and then he was looking right at me, clearly thinking that he just needed to hear what I was going to be trying to say to him right now. "Look, the door is closed. If there is something that you want to talk about, but don't want them to hear, then you do not have to be worried about that anymore." He was saying, and I knew he was just trying to help out, and that he was being the best that he could be given the situation.

"I want to make some friends. I am tired of being alone. I am tired of people always just leaving me alone. Just thinking of me as a pure clown for nothing else than entertainment. I mean, I know that I make a lot of jokes, and that I often times show myself as the comedian. But god damn it, I just want people to be able to look at me as something more than just that." I said, and then I was looking at Todd, wondering what he would want to be telling me right now, if he wanted to say anything in the first place.

"Seth, you do not need to worry about it. I know that it is something that you are bothered with on a deeply personal level. I know how much it hurts you when this is happening. I know that you want people to finally treat you with more respect. I get what it would be like if I was in your spot. But I think that you need to know that there are people who are willing to be there for you, if you were to need to discuss what is going on here." Todd was telling me, and then he was thinking of something that he would be able to say to me to change my perspective.

"Tell you what... You try to go out there, and you try to make a friend. Simple as that. If you do not have one by the end of the next week, then I will try to find one for you, with some connections I can use. That way you can have somebody there for you before you go into winter break." He was saying to me, and I was aware that his heart was in the right place, but I needed to find something else to say to him for him to know that I was really not wanting him to be fighting my battles for me.

"I want to go on and see how it can be working on my own. I mean, even if I was to get rid of all of the jokes, and not be onto that on a regular basis, what would I be able to do to get them to change their mind on me? I mean, I am not that interesting of a guy. I barely have any real traits to me that show people that I know what I am doing with myself." I said, and then I was looking right at Todd, wondering what he was going to tell me. If he was willing to help, or just say something to make me feel better.

"Honestly, I think that you are underselling yourself. I mean, you do seem to be a person who cares about what others feel. I mean, I remember the one time when you were about nine years old, and there was Lydia when she was five, and she came home crying from school one day because people made fun of her hair. You were the one who stayed there with her, and you were the one that helped her feel better. You did not go away from her, and you did not let her feel bad for simply being herself." After Todd said that to me, I was shaking my head, feeling like he was trying too hard for me.

"I know you are just saying this to make me feel better. I mean, what have I really been able to bring to the family. Sure I might have made Lydia feel better about something simple two years ago. But I barely did anything for my other siblings. I oftentimes snapped at Josiah. I mean, every time he tries to help me out, I brush him off. I brush everybody off, because I am too scared to be looking at myself on the mirror. The ugliest member of the family." I said, and then I was seeing Todd looking like he was seeming to be mostly hurt when he was hearing me say this about myself.

"What makes you feel like you are so much uglier than all of us? Is it because of the acne you are starting to grow? Everybody when they are your age grows some on themselves." After he was telling me this, I knew that he was wanting to find something to say to make me feel better, but that this was just something that was not going to truly change how I had been feeling so far. I was feeling like I just needed to find something else to say to change what he was saying about me. To stop trying to fake praise me when I knew that nobody meant it.

"Maybe that is true. But it makes me look gross, and it makes me look like somebody who has no real taste in himself. No real wish to take care of themselves. I always feel like I failed you guys. I know that you guys talk about me behind my back. I know that you guys talk about how weird I am, and that you guys would wish that I would stop trying to be so happy about life all the time. You guys hate it, and I would wish you guys would stop pretending to not be bothered baout it." I said, and then I was feeling like I was really going to be getting deep with this.

"Nobody wants you to stop. Sure, most of the time, we do not get the jokes. Sure most of the time, we feel like you might be trying a bit too hard. But that is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to go out and be yourself, and I do not want you to be feeling like this is the case. I want you to try and feel better about yourself. That way you can show people that you do not feel like you are making a giant mistake or anything like that." He was telling me, and I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more, and help me feel better on this whole thing.

"But when you say stuff like this, it feels like you are clearly indicating that you are not a big fan of my stuff. You admit that I am not really all that funny, and that I just need to stop. It hurts me when I hear people say this. Knowing that everything that I wanted to do is just gone. It makes me feel like nobody likes me. It makes me feel fucking stupid. It makes me feel fucking lost." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was feeling like Todd was going to try and find something else to defend himself. But he was clearly looking like he was sort of in a lost position on this, and that he was just wishing to get himself out of this, to make himself feel better with this.

"Seth, you do not need to worry about this stuff. You are in the fifth grade. You are so young to be going on and making a big deal on this stuff. You need to go on and just relax. You need to be feeling better about yourself. Seeing you like this, like you are just lost on how to be feeling, it makes me feel worse. I know that you are just being yourself, but I need you to understand that this is not that huge of a deal in the long run." Todd said, wanting to find more, but did not feel the need to.

"I wish that you were right. I guess that maybe it would not hurt to try and be like this. I wish that I was able to look at things, and not be so worried how it was all going. But I don't know if I will ever be able to really reach that point. It might be too hard for me to fully get over it. But now I just wish that I had a plan to be able to get through and not look like a fucking loser, and a desperate freak, when I am doing it." I was saying, wondering what the hell he was going to try and say to me to feel differently. Or if he was actually going to respect where I was coming from, and not be treating me like I was invalid for feeling this way at all.

"Just do what you feel like you are doing best. Just be a person who is truly like yourself. Some people are going to like that honest persona. Not that stuff that makes you look like you are just trying too hard to appeal to somebody because you do not want to be coming off as a person who tries too hard. Come on, we can talk about it somewhere else than outside the house." Todd said, and then pulled out his car keys, looking like he was caring too much on this to do anything else.

...

-Dec 6 1993 11:35 pm- We sat down at some form of fast food place. Todd was looking right at me, and he was looking like he was wanting to say something. As if he was trying to find the best way to give me a bullshit excuse on how I had been looking too deeply into this whole thing. I was really not in the mood for this, but I was feeling like he was going to be making it all feel even worse if I did not have something to say to make any real difference.

"I know that there are a lot of stuff that you are wanting to talk about, and I was hoping that maybe when we are alone, you and I can talk about it a bit more." Todd said, and then he was placing his hands together, looking right at me, and he was looking like he was wanting to see what I was actually planning on telling him right now. I was feeling like I just needed to find something to say to make him feel like I was not too worried on what we were doing right now. Even though I knew that this was not really possible.

"Honestly, there is nothing that I can be able to tell you. I think that even if I were to try and see what I can say to make this whole thing better, it would just be a really fucking hard task." I said, and then I was just wishing to be finding something else to say to make him feel better right now. I just felt so fucking lost on what I had been going through.

"Josiah was telling me that there was a girl that you used to like, and that you are feeling like everything was kind of lost when you were never able to go on and reach out to her. I guess she was sort of a case of being the one who got away." He was telling me, and then I was slowly nodding, wishing that I could say more. But in all honesty, I had sort of made my peace with that, and kind of wished that he did not bring this up to me for how annoying it could be.

"I got over it. But it did help me sort of focus on what I feel like is more important. You know, the fucking ideas of making my jokes work better. I had wanted to initially do it as a way to be able to express myself more, and get something done for the shows around town. But after a while, I was starting to present myself because I have started to like it." I said, and then I was shaking my head, wanting to say more, but did not feel the need to be doing this.

"I just wish that I could be able to tell you more. But I feel like if I were to be saying anything else, you would probably just roll your eyes at what I would say, and tell me to focus on something else." I said, and then I was looking right at Todd, wondering if he was going to say that maybe something like this was true, or if I was wrong about him, or if he was going to lie. I did not know which one it was going to be, and to be honest, I did not care all that much what he would try and tell me.

"Well, I was your age once, and I remember when I was thinking that some of the issues that I had gone through were the biggest things in the world. I am not going to be making fun of you that much over this. I might not get it, but I am not going to say anything. You are a nice guy, and I think that you deserve a chance to have something work." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him wishing to say something else, but did not really feel the need to do this since it was not that huge of a deal.

"I know that you were my age once, which is the main reason that I feel like there is some chance that you can truly speak to me in a way that I feel like can connect us." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wishing to be saying more. But did not really feel the need to waste my time on this, and that if I said more, then he was just going to try and tell me some random advice to be making me feel better, when I had no idea how well it was going to actually help.

I mean, I had nothing against the guy or anything. But I had felt like maybe he was just trying too hard to be making me feel better, and as a result, I was feeling like maybe I was just going to have to be able to find a way to talk and not make him feel like I was trying too hard, and that I was just being a bit pushy. In all honesty, I had felt like that was the main issue that I was going to be having right now. The fact that I was pushing him off without even giving him a chance.

As I was looking at him, I decided that I was going to be patient with him, and not be a massive dick right now. "In all honesty, I want to just know what can connect with people. If I knew how I could be able to connect with the people that I go to school with, and connect with them in an actual matter, then I feel like I could be able to make something of a difference. But right now, when I have nothing, that is where I feel like I am going to have nothing now." I was shrugging, feeling like I just needed to find more to say, but could not have any ideas.

"Well, if you want to go on and make some friends, I think you need to do something that I know you will not really much like. That is the idea that you just need to go out, and talk with them personally. You need to get to know them. You need to connect with them, and when you do something like that, then you might be able to sort of know what you are going to be getting yourself ready for." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking right at me, and he was clearly wishing to see where I was going to be going with this idea.

"Honestly, I feel like I am just sort of going to be making myself come off as a even bigger idiot if I do that than if I just stuck around, and did not make a issue out of it. I just want to go on and find out what type of things that I can say that will make them like me. You know, that one fucking like potion in a way that I could find that would give me the answers that I need. But for now, I feel like I just need to find something else to be doing to make it all make at least some sense." I was saying, just wanting to see if he was going to be taking what I had been saying a bit more seriously, or if he had no idea what he was wishing to tell me now.

"I don't know why you feel like there is more to it than what I have been saying. It is really as simple as just going out there and talking. I think that the faster you do this, the faster you will know that I am telling you the truth. Just go on and do it. Don't worry about what other people are going to be saying to you, and just sort of make the most out of it that you can. I think you just need to do what you can right now." Todd was saying, and then I was thinking of what I was going to say now.

"I guess that maybe I could try. I mean, the worst that would come out of them not liking me is the idea that I could have to find somebody else. I mean, I can get over that soon enough, I think. But I think that I could need to just do it, and see what they would say, before I reject or accept the idea that these people know what they are doing." I was saying, and then I was nodding, looking right at him, wondering what the heck I was going to be able to get Todd to say. He just nodded, feeling glad that I was not beating myself up right now, and willing to give it a try.

...

-Dec 7 1993 1:43 am- I was sitting down, thinking about what Todd and I had discussed, after our nearly ninety minute passionate discussion about what I should be doing with my life. I was feeling like when I was going to come up with a final choice, I would just need to see that Todd was doing what he was feeling like was going to be a good life style. I mean, I just felt like I needed to give him more of a chance, and that maybe his statement was going to be valid. I just felt like this was too much for me to really understand, I needed to just sort of be fine with it all.

I was feeling like I needed to find a way to make him see that I was listening to him. I mean, that was all that I could do. I wanted to show him that I did hear him, and that I was going to just have to be over it all. The whole thing was just going to be hard to handle, and I was going to just have to be fine with it all. And if I was going to make a issue on this, I would need to find a way to go through all of this in a different perspective.

I was feeling like I was being a bit stubborn. I knew that being stubborn was going to be only making things worse. I was feeling like I just needed to find a way to get over it all. No matter how much I was going to change in myself, I was feeling like I just needed to sort of know what I was trying to do. I was needing to bring it all together. To sort of make it feel like I was not really all on my own.

I was feeling like maybe the fact that Josiah was having somebody new to hang out with was the one thing that just sort of ruined it all. I had wished that I could have treated this better, and that I could have been more honorable about the way that I treated my family. But I did not even care anymore. I just was being the way that I was wanting, and that was all that I was needing to sort of get over in a way.

I was going to just have to accept the fact that my brother was feeling the best for me. He did have good intentions, and I had felt like I needed to just sort of get over it. I sort of needed to accept the fact that he was truly trying to be helping me out. I did not know why I was being so rude to him. He did not deserve anything like this, and I was feeling like I was being a bit silly over this whole thing.

I was standing up, feeling like I was just needing to finally fine a way to get over this whole thing. I was thinking about maybe sneaking out, and going around to the town, and seeing what I could do to get a start on setting myself up for a friendship. I mean, I was being a bit silly. I did not know what the heck was going on in my mind, but I was just truly wanting to find a way to be making it look like I was going to finally have a start.

But despite everything that was going on, deep down inside, I knew that I was being fucking stupid. I felt like I needed to just finally take a moment to sleep for a bit, and actually think about what I was getting myself into. Perhaps with some fucking sleep, I would be fine, and I would start to see that my brother was right. I was being fucking ridiculous. I was thinking that maybe I just needed to go out and see what he was feeling, and maybe if I could see what he was wanting to tell me, I would sort of help him out. But despite how much I was wishing to feel this way, I just felt like I was going to need to finally see how I could make it all different for the best.

But there was something that I felt like I needed to sort of understand. I needed to sort of understand why my family cared so much about me. I mean, aside from being biologically related, I was feeling like I needed to just find a way to make them see that I needed to not have them at my side so much. That I just needed to sort of be on my own, and not show anybody that I was truly starting to freak out over this all.

I was shaking my head, feeling like I just needed to sort of know what I had been getting myself into. I was thinking that Todd was going to be mad at me if he knew that I was going to possibly not listen to him. In a way, I felt like he would just snap at me, and tell me that this was all my fault, and that I just needed to fucking get over it, and not be making things even worse for me, just because I wanted to do something else.

Eventually, I knew that I was going to need to concede that maybe I should at least look at what my older brothers were doing, and see that maybe my younger siblings cared as well. Maybe if I could get some change in this, I could finally help out. I wanted to fucking help out, and see where they were coming from. I just needed to fucking grow up and see where this was coming from in my own way, no matter how much I may have wanted or not wanted to.

...

-Dec 7 1993 4:27 pm- I was hanging out after school, mainly in the lunch room, trying to think of some stuff that I could write for my show. I had felt like giving a good performance was more important than anything else, and that I needed to just spend my time here to make sure that the jokes were going to be as good as possible. but despite this, and despite not wanting to admit it, I knew that I needed to go on home soon, and not make my parents worried or annoyed with me.

I just wanted to stay here, and make sure that I knew what I was going to want to present, since I had felt like that was the most important thing that I could be doing. I needed this to work, and I did not give a single shit what in the world people were going to be thinking. I needed to finally carry through, and make sure that the material that I had truly captured what I wanted to present as well as what the others wanted to present as well.

In all honesty, if I had some friends to help me out, and give me some ideas, I had felt like perhaps I would use this as a chance to get some work done on my material. I was feeling maybe making a friend would have helped out more than anything else, and that I just needed to maybe get one of them to start to feel like they could like what I have been working on.

I was not even caring about the whole fact that I would have to go on and branch out to other people anymore. I did not care about that anymore because caring about that was the main reason that I had been stuck here this whole time. I wanted to make the people see my talents, and maybe just getting out of my comfort zone, and seeing what my classmates were like would have been the only thing that really mattered.

I was seeing that there were some other people in the room that looked like they had been on their own thing, sort of minding their own business. I had felt like I needed to just talk with them, and see what they were like, and if they did not want to talk with me, then at least I can say that I tried to do my best, and I can at least say that I put the cards on the table, and let them have a chance to be seeing what I could have been like. So it would be worth it all at the end.

I was walking over to the closest table to me, figuring that the less effort I put, the better that it would be for me. Once I sat down, I was looking right at the guy, and I was seeing him looking confused at me, and looking like he was wanting me to leave him alone. I knew that this was going to be a bad idea, and I knew that I needed to abort right away, knowing that he would be a lost cause before I even had a chance.

"Hey, I saw that you were alone, and I was wondering if you needed anybody to go on and talk to." I said, and then I was seeing him looking right at me, as if telling me that I needed to stop right now before I made the situation even worse for him and myself. I wanted to say more, but had no idea what the heck I was even going to be saying.

"Well, I am doing alright. I just like to be alone. Not having to deal with people who don't like me, and don't want to be bothered getting to know me, and only pretend like they might like me." The guy said, and I was taken back by this guy. He had even bigger issues than I did, and that was really saying something. But I had felt like I just needed to find something to say right now to get him to calm the hell down.

"Do you have anybody that you hang out with or something?" I asked, truly wanting to sound like a bloke who cared for his well being, even if it was going to be fucking hard to do. But I was just wanting to him feel like there was somebody who wanted to at least try and get to know him. Try and see what he was like, and see if maybe I could help him out branch more, and see that he was worried too much over nothing.

"I don't like hanging out with anybody, since doing that is just going to make me feel like a idiot when they eventually drop me like a sack of potatoes who think that I have served my purpose." He was saying, and I was feeling like this guy was making me look normal, and I knew that I needed to try and help him out. I needed to try and make him feel like there was nothing he needed to worry about, and that maybe we could be friends, if he was willing to give me a chance, and show him that I was not doing this for anything at all.

"Well, I think that you need to go out and try to do something about it. I mean, sure it might be hard to do something now. When you have barely met anybody, but my siblings always tell me that going out and trying is the most important first step." I said, and then I was seeing him looking at me, clearly wanting to say something, but had no real desire to argue with me.

"Well, I think that maybe your siblings are just trying too hard to be sounding like a good nice old bunch to make you feel better. I think that they are just trying to sound like they know what they are doing." After he was telling me this, the thing was that I did not even really disagree with him. I felt like he was telling the truth. But I had felt like I needed to give them some credit, and make them feel better for whatever they were at least trying to accomplish.

"I think that they are just trying to be making it look like they want to help me out. I think that in a way, what they are doing is actually almost nice. But I do sometimes feel like they are only trying to help me out from sheer pity." I said, and then I was thinking about where I was going with this, and if I was going to possibly get the guy to start to open up with these talks, since I was feeling like I was starting to connect with him, and I was personally growing to enjoy talking with this fellow. Even if he did not get it, and did not care much for the talk, it was something I was really getting into.

"Well, at least you actually have siblings. I mean, I think that if I had any, they would at least be looking like they could help me out. But I don't have any, and I doubt that they would really go out of their way to try and help me even if I did." He was saying, wanting to find more to say, but did not really feel the need to be doing such a thing. He had felt like he had made his point enough already.

"I just try my best to not always take their advice. They mean well, and I appreciate the fact that they want to reach out. But trust me when I say that often times, it can be a bit much. It is like they feel like I simply can't do anything on my own. It is kind of annoying to be honest." I said, and then I looked right at the guy, wondering if maybe I could be able to resonate with him on what I had been saying in the slightest, or if he was going to just not get it.

"I would not really know what it would be like with siblings. I mean, everybody talks about it in mixed ways. Some act like it is totally awesome. Some utterly hate it." He said, and then looked at me, as if feeling like he was going to indulge me longer, and see what I was wanting to say now, and see what he could learn from me in a general discussion. "What is it like with yours?"

"So say that it is overwhelming would be a huge understatement. I mean, there is so much stuff going on at a daily basis where I live that you would not even be able to remotely comprehend it. The thing is honestly fucking ridiculous if I may say so myself." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering what he would try to say to me in protest of this.

"Well, how bad can it really be? I mean, at least they probably care about you enough." He was telling me, and I was seeing him looking like this was going to be a way to try and get me to see that things were not all that bad. I was looking right at him, wishing to say more. But I had no real desire to be debating with him on any of this right now. Since he was just trying to be a bit simple minded on the whole issue.

"I have ten siblings." I said, and that got his attention, as if feeling like the moment that this was brought into his understanding, he would no longer make fun of me for saying that this was too much. But at the same time, I was seeing him sort of rebounding, and now looking so much more interested in this than he ever had been before. Like the conversation was sort of neutral on him at first, but now that I mentioned that, I was now getting his attention.

"Well, you should have just started with that. Holy shit. What the heck is it like living like that?" He asked me, and then I was looking right at him, wanting to talk it up, but I was feeling like maybe just sheer honestly was going to get me more points on his radar than just simply lying to him to get him interested. So with that, I would tell him the truth of the matter.

"To be honest, the whole thing is strange as hell. I mean, when only one of them is a girl, the whole thing just seems a bit harder to really understand. Because you always have to find a way to make her feel better. To make her feel like she belongs. To make her feel like she is not the odd one out just because of who she was." I was saying, and I was wondering if perhaps this guy, whatever his fucking name was, would have gotten it in his own way.

"I mean, I just want to make sure that they all like me, and I want to make sure they all feel connected, but the thing is that when I do that, I feel like I need to sort of know who they are really. What I mean by that is learning what their personality really is. What really makes them feel the way that they do. I feel like when I don't do something like that, I will just be making a big mistake." I was saying, just wishing to know what his opinion on this could have been now.

"Why do you care if they like you or not? I mean, they are off trying to do their own thing. I mean, with ten siblings, most of them are probably not even in the same age range as you are." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was thinking this was true, and I nodded at him, and would give him a run down of our ages.

"Well, Todd is the oldest one. He's twenty right now. Then you have Gabe, who is eighteen. Josiah is next at fifteen. Then I am actually the next one after that at eleven. Then Jack is nine, Lydia at seven, Henry at five, Dylan and Drake are both twins at three, Levi is two, and just a couple of weeks ago Ridge, our last one for now, showed up. Our parents are insisting they are done after him though." I said, and then I was seeing this guy look rather curious at this.

"Do they seem to get along with you so far? I mean, after having that many siblings, surely you would be kind of thinking that a couple is not so bad anymore. You probably scoff at families of three or four." After he had said that to me, I was slowly nodding, feeling like what he was saying was mostly right on the money, and I had wished that maybe I would have enough imagination to go on and explain what I felt a little bit longer, and explain the dynamic more. But there was no point in doing that.

"Well, I think that they are just fine enough in their own way. I just think that maybe a smaller family is better than nothing. At least when you have a small family, there is a way you can connect with them all on a day to day basis. When you have ten siblings, it is impossible to connect with all of them normally. At that point, favorites have to be picked. I may hate to tell people that, but it is the truth of the matter." I said, almost hating the fact that I had said that.

"I mean, I barely even know what most of my younger ones are like. I know that they are just trying to do their best, and trying to help out in their own way... But do you know how hard it might be to have somebody who you live with, but probably have not talked to in like two or three weeks? And that being the normal situation, because everybody is so set on doing things their own way. It is fucking ridiculous, to say at the least." I said, and then I was wondering what he would tell me here.

"Does that kind of suck, to know that no matter how hard you try and connect with them, even if you wanted nothing more than to do so, that it will just not be happening? I mean, if that was the case for me, I think I would probably go crazy at the idea of it." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to be sounding helpful. But in all honesty, I don't really think he would help here too much.

But I had felt like I needed to give him props for at least trying. For at least making it look like he was wishing to connect. "I don't really know. If you want to talk about it more, then I guess that you can try and see what the family is like. Maybe when you see them, you will know what they are really like, and you might be able to sort of see what it is like that I am talking about." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was almost finding this kind of exciting, and wanted to see what it would have been like now.

"Just don't go on and scare them off. I mean, I do want them to not be thinking that I am hanging out with a lunatic or something." I said, and then I was seeing him holding up his hands, as if feeling like he would never do such a thing. I loved the way he was playing it off though. Trying to make it sound like the most chill thing in the world. Maybe in the end, it really was not all that bad. And that I just needed to relax a bit more before I went crazy in my way.

But despite what I was feeling, I was feeling like I just needed to know what he was doing now. "So before anything like that happens, would you like to know my name? I'm Seth. Sorry that I totally forgot to bring it up earlier." I said, thinking that maybe my memory needed some improving, but that I would deal with that later. When I would have some time to privately scold myself for all of this shit.

"My name is Manny. I only moved here last year. Honestly do not really see a ton of the appeal to the place. But it is a very calm place. Which I guess can help me sort of block out all of the noise." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like what he was saying was extremely chill. I was feeling like maybe he needed to see what it would like to go out and see more.

But I had figured that I would see what he was feeling later. I was thinking that I would just take the moment to show him around my house, and make him see if he even liked it there or not. And when we were done, the two of us could debate the idea of going through and seeing if there was a place to make a friendship out of this right now.

...

-Dec 7 1993 5:54 pm- I was hanging out with Manny, sort of wondering what he was going to want to do. We were at the house, and I was feeling like I was still not able to call him friends yet, but I would say that I was on a good start. I was at least going to have a chance to be able to get somewhere with this, and that was all that I had really wanted. I wanted to get a start on making it look like we were able to connect in an actual personal level. I wanted him to be feeling better about what we were doing, and that maybe we could be able to make something work out after all. But despite what I had been feeling, I truly just had no idea what I was wishing to tell him.

"Usually at the very least all of the younger ones are at the house at this time. I don't know about the others. Josiah is usually hanging out with friends, trying to get some music together, so he will probably be hanging low. Todd has a job now, so I think he might be working, or getting ready to work on that or his girlfriend Bebe and him having a date. Gabe has been doing some strange stuff lately on his own, and I have no idea what he does." I said, trying to get him ready.

"Do you think that they might not like me, or just think that I am just being a bit forced in or something? I mean, I don't want to make your siblings feel forced to like me." Manny said, and I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more. But he was also worried that saying more would make him feel like he was just being a worry wrat, and that he was just being a bit too focused on things that would probably not even matter all that much in the long run.

"Listen, I am sure they will all like you soon enough. I doubt that they will be too against this. I know my oldest brother Todd at least will be happy to see me trying to hang out with fucking literally anybody." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more, but felt like if he did, he would just sort of be coming off as a person who was too worried over this whole thing. That he needed to just relax, and not be too worried on what we were doing at that current moment. With that, we went inside of the house, and I was wondering if he did have ulterior motives here.

I mean, he did talk about how the idea of making friends was strange, and how he was always feeling like there was something people wanted from it. That was the main reason that I was worried at first that he had been doing something else here. I was just scared that he did not really want to hang with me, and was only using me.

I mean, in a way, I knew that I was being silly. But for fucks sake, knowing that he had said that was really going to be making me feel unsure of what to be saying for the time being, no matter what else I was wishing to be doing. But with that, I was seeing a few of the siblings in the living room. Henry was watching something with Dylan and Drake. Probably a show that they can both be able to mutually tolerate instead of utterly hate.

When Manny saw what Henry looked like, and the fact that at five fucking years old, he was already looking like the prince of darkness, I was seeing Manny looking like he was already approving of his life style. "Got to admit, your younger brother Henry knows how to blend in real well. I think that he and I at least will get along." Manny said, and then he was slightly laughing at the prospect, knowing what it would be like to perhaps get him to branch out.

"Yeah, most of us don't get why he is already like this so early on. But he is harmless about it, and I have no issue with it. He just needs to not be so strange about it. It is almost like he believes in the whole thing." Seth was saying, feeling like he did not need to worry about saying it, and that Henry probably could not even care even if he did know what was going on here.

"Well, I guess that maybe it does remind me when I was his age, and I was trying dyed hair for the first time. To make it even more black than it already is. But to be honest, my parents looked like they were about to strangle the hell out of me when they had seen that. I knew that I had made the right choice then." Manny said, and then I laughed at that. Knowing that he was somebody who had a certain joy out of rebelling from his parents. I think that maybe I was going to get along with him just fine.

"Well, I think that maybe you need to not fight them so much. I know that on the few times I have either exerted my parents, or saw one of my siblings do it, the whole thing turned out to be kind of a nightmare. They were not really fond of it all. But I think that maybe they might be able to laugh at it now." I said, and then I was wondering if Manny already lost interest, or wanted to know more about it all.

"I think that they are over it by now. I mean, they seem to really care when it is relating to things like how I dress and stuff, since they are always worried about me looking like I just came back from the dead. But it seems like on most other cases, they don't really seem to care all that much, and are mostly over it." After he had said that to me, he was looking at me, as if feeling like that was probably the best that he was going to be able to ask for.

"Do you like your parents usually?" I asked, trying to be nice on it all, and I had no idea if they were going to actually tell me the truth. But at the same time, I was just genuinely wanting to know how things were like back where he had lived. And if it was a big deal, maybe I could be able to give some advice on how to be able to handle it all in the future.

"They are nice enough. I know that they don't have any bad intentions when they do this type of stuff. I just wish that they could relax on it a bit more. I mean, it's not that big of a deal what I am like. They probably are just scared about me being made fun. I mean, that is nice of them, but I think that them going around and pampering me might be the even bigger issue if people were to see what I was doing." After he had told me this, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more, but did not look like he was wanting to do dare do so.

"I think that when I show them what I can be like, and that I do not need for them to be so worried about me, they will be fine enough. I think that they are going to be fine with it soon enough. But until then, I feel like I am going to have a while to go before they feel like they can fully trust me." After Manny had said that, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to say more, but did not want to bother doing such a thing.

"Do you think that your parents might have something to do with the mindset you were telling me about earlier?" I asked, and I knew that no matter what I had said, he was going to be pretending to be shocked at this. I was feeling like I might as well get it over with, and see what he was going to be saying though. See if he was actually going to have an idea or not of how to respond to this whole thing. "The whole idea that friends are just there for something, and when they got it, they will leave you."

"I mean, kind of. But I probably would have grown that way eventually anyways. I just always see people doing something, for some personal purpose, and when they got what they had wanted from me, they leave me alone forever." He said, and I was starting to see that maybe he was in a even bigger need of a friend than I was, and that maybe I just needed to try and find a way to make him feel like he was not being such a lost cause right now. But in order to do that, I needed to find a way to make it work.

"I think you need to go on and hang out with more people. I mean, I know that I sometimes have insecurity problems, but I think you might have them even worse." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to say more, but when I was seeing him wanting to do this, I was seeing him sort of looking like he was going to be accepting what I had been saying more and more, and not fight back.

"Maybe you're right. But the thing is that when I have been seeing people like this all the time, and seeing them always just sort of only use me for something, I can't help but feel like nobody cares for me." After he had told me this, I was seeing him looking like he had wished to say more. But that he was wanting to just leave it all alone. He knew that talking about this was just going to be making him feel lost, and that was something I did not want to create with him right now.

"Well, I think that maybe you are just not hanging out with the right group of people. You don't hang out with people who actually care to have anything better for them." I said, and the thing was that I was actually meaning what I had been saying. I was not even saying that to appease him. I had been saying this because I had felt like maybe he just needed to open up better about all of this stuff, and not feel gone.

"I know what I am talking about usually. I am not perfect, but I kind of have a thing for figuring out when people are having a rough time." I was saying, sort of just wishing that I could find something else to say. Something that would make him feel like I was able to connect with him more. I was feeling like he was needing this, and that he was just needing to have a person who could make him feel like they cared.

"I think that maybe I just need to have some people who actually seem to be real with me. When I do that, maybe I might be feeling different. But right now, I think most people don't care. I think that they are just too busy wanting to be on their own turf." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him wanting to say more. But did not really look like he was wanting to take the risk to say anything like this now.

"I think that this will be alright. I mean, my family was always telling me that I needed to go out and get to know some other people. They were really on my case about it honestly. Like their entire life depended on such a thing working out." I said, and then I was looking at Manny as we sat down on the mini couch near the window to the outside.

"Would you say that your family had good intentions, or that they were being a bit forceful on this whole thing?" He asked me, and I was feeling like this was going to be a hard answer, since I had no real clue where I was going to be going with this. I felt like I just needed to tell him the truth, and see what he was going to be saying to me. To see if he was going to be feeling where I had come from, or did not.

"Honestly, I think my family just wanted to do their best to help. I might not be able to get it. But I certainly do not fault them for trying. I think that maybe I need to be more patient with them though." I said, and then I was feeling like doing that might have been the only thing that I could do to start to make it seem like what they were doing was not pissing me off greatly.

"If you feel like they care, then I can't be too shocked at the fact that you feel the need to go on and try. Plus, you always seemed to be looking like you were in need of a extra hand." He was telling me, and I knew he was trying to be helpful with this. But I had no idea what to be telling him right now. I had no idea what I was even wishing to say at that moment.

"I feel like they do. I just feel like they could have been easier on me over it. Not as obvious. I mean, with the way that they were doing it, the whole thing made it look like they were just doing it for some form of self satisfaction. Knowing that they could have a sibling who did not stick around them all the time." I said, and I was feeling like talking about this at the fucking house was a terrible idea. But at the same time, I really did not care. I just wanted to indulge on this talk, and see what Manny would have been saying when it came to the matter at hand.

I was then thinking about what it would be like if I were to do other stuff right now. What it would be like if I slowly brought him into the fold of what I liked to do on my own time. I just felt like I needed to find a way to make him feel like this whole thing was going to be worth it at the end.

"Hey I think that I might be able to start showing you some stuff. You know, to see if it catches your interest." I said, and then after I had said that to him, I was seeing him looking kind of intrigued at what I was saying. I knew that I got him interested when I was saying this stuff, and I was feeling like I just needed to sort of see what I could do to make it feel like he was going to be finding something good out of this whole thing.

"Alright. I might as well give this a chance. Maybe there might be something that you might interest me with." I knew he was just saying that to make me feel better. But him saying that was making me feel like I might be able to appeal to him in a different sense. I felt like this was all that I had needed. I just needed to get him to see my ways, and see if perhaps he and I would know where to be going now.

"I mean, I don't take you to be much of a comedian. But I think that maybe if there is something that I might need to have cleared up, maybe we can sort of see where to go with this, and if I like some of your ideas, I might be able to try and bring them into the fold." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he did not know what to believe in this, but that he was willing to give it a try. That he was wanting to see if perhaps there was something he might enjoy out of the whole idea of going through with this.

"Yeah, I am not really into telling jokes or anything like that. Not really in my taste. I sometimes find enjoyment out of watching stuff though." After he was saying that to me, I was feeling like this was going to be a good start, and that maybe I just needed to go with it, and not be feeling like this was going to be much of a hassle, and just be glad he was giving me a chance at all.

So with that, I was getting up, and I was walking to my room which I shared with Josiah. As I was doing this, I was seeing Manny slowly getting up. Sort of feeling like he had just needed to find a way to be making this whole thing seem to be sort of worth it. He clearly had no idea what the heck he was wanting to do. I felt like he was going to perhaps want to say more. But that if he did so, he was going to be making a huge issue out of it all.

I was wishing to find a way to make Manny feel like this was not going to be a terrible idea. I mean, if I was going to bring him into my fold, and force him to listen to my jokes, and be forced to hang out with me, I was going to make it feel like it was all worth it. I felt like that was the lest that I could do. And perhaps he would actually adapt to this whole thing at the end of the day, which was a good hope.

"Hey Manny, thanks for coming along and choosing to hang out. It makes me feel a lot better to know that somebody was willing to give it a go." I said, and I was truly meaning what I had been saying. He was looking at me, as if feeling like it was the only thing he could do after the fact that I had been trying to be nice to him for the time being. He was nodding, as if to indicate that this was not really a problem at all. After he had nodded, I was going inside, and then Manny was inside as well.

I did not go and close the door. I mean, there was no real reason to, and even if there was, it was usually a unspoken rule not to. In case if people needed our help, they could see if we were there or not. Plus the fact that I was thinking that maybe our parents were worried about us jerking off or having sex. The former would just be done in the bathroom, but the latter was going to be hard to do. Although only Josiah, Gabe, and Todd needed to worry about that for the time being.

"What exactly do you do when you make your shows?" He was asking, sort of looking to be at least mildly interested. I was feeling like I just needed to wing it a bit here. Make it look like I had some fucking idea what the hell I was talking about. Even if I had no idea what the heck I was going to be saying. But I wanted to make it look like I was totally prepared for any of the questions that he was going to be throwing at me, to make it seem like I knew what was actually going on now.

"I just sort of do a combination of scripted stuff and improv. I mean, I feel like doing both adds a level of sincerity to what I am doing. Makes it feel at least a slight bit more organic. Nothing like me just trying to really impress somebody. Even if that is a part of it, I do not want to make it too obvious in fear of how people would react." I shrugged, feeling like I did not need to say more on it for the time being, and that I could leave it alone.

...

-Dec 8 1993 10:25 pm- I was at Manny's house, and I had no idea if we were friends, or if he was just doing this out of need to talk with somebody, or out of pity. But the fact that he was willing to see me at all, and get to know me, and see how I was doing, and not be getting in my face on it all, and make me feel better, was just something that I felt like I needed to be taking advantage of in the long run, and I needed to be happy with what I was getting right now.

I was feeling like when I was going to reach out to somebody, and if they were going to be as nice as Manny had been, I felt like maybe he was willing to sort of change my perspective, and make me feel like there was a chance that I could be able to make some form of friends in the town. Which was something that I knew was going to be changing my way of going at things, and will make me a better person.

"So, what were you thinking you would be able to get out of the comedy show. I think that I need to know that you actually feel like this is going to work before I can fully feel like this is a smart idea." After he had told me this, I was seeing him looking like he was genuinely meaning to sound helpful here, but at the same time, I was feeling like I needed to find something to change how he was going to be working with me now.

"I think that I am going to get personal satisfaction at the very least. I think that if I go on and do something like this, and really do my best to make the show work, and if I can be able to win, I will actually feel proud of myself for once. I will actually feel like I did something with my time here, and that is what I think is going to be making this whole thing worth it all." I said, and then I was looking at him, wondering if he had wanted to try and tell me anything else.

"Well, I mean, if that is going to be the base line feeling you will be getting out of this, then I guess that maybe there will be something good coming out of this, and I feel like maybe I should be willing to see how I will be able to help you out here." After Manny said, I was looking at him, and I was confused at what he was suggesting, since there was no way in hell he was going to be the guy who would make a difference in the act.

"I think that I will have to be thinking about this a bit more before I fully commit to the idea of having you go on and be forced to help me out. I feel like I just need to find something that can make my performance seem moire genuine, and more like the way that I would want to make it, and not like somebody that people want from me to make me feel better on this." I said, and then he was looking at me, wondering what to say now.

"Well, I would not dare be getting in the way of your integrity of the show. I think that if I would do that, I would be making a big mistake. That being said, I think you do need to have something there to make it work out for your sake. I think you need to have at least somebody there at your side, to hear your stuff, and see if they can be able to help you out. I mean, come on bro, there is nothing you will get out of this." After he had told me that, I was getting a bit annoyed, and sighed at this.

"Honestly, I think that I just need to think about it more. I appreciate what you are trying to do, and it makes me feel better to know that somebody is going out to reach out to me, and it makes me feel better to know that somebody is at least showing some interest in what I am doing. That being said, I feel like I need to try and fight this on my own. It is the best that I can be able to do right now." I said, and then I was shaking my head, annoyed at this level of 'pride' that I was trying to be showing right now, when I was not getting anything out of it here.

"I know that I am not that funny. I know that people find my jokes to be annoying. But I feel like when I am being myself, and I am being the way that I want to be, then I think that I can finally be able to make it feel like I can reach out to those around me. I want to find some way to still be myself, but to be getting the people who witness the jokes to think that I am funny. I do not want my brother to be doing the entire carrying of weight himself." I said, angry at the prospect.

"Honestly, I think that for you to be doing this, I think that you are just going to have to go on and tell your brothers what your fear is, and maybe they will be willing to listen to your jokes, and give you honest feed back, and help you sort of find a way to change them to be more appealing to the masses, while not losing their original integrity." He was saying, trying to make it seem as good as possible in the situation he could.

"Yeah, perhaps you are right. Perhaps since they are the people that I know the best, they are the ones who need to tell me the way that it is, and not be lying about it. I mean, I feel like if I reach out to them, they might be willing to finally work with me, and make me feel like I have a chance now." I said, and then I was looking at Manny, wondering if he believed that it would be that simple. If I could make it work like that.

"I think that this would be best. Go on and tell people what is bothering you, and then once you do that, tell them that you do seek genuine change on this, then you might be able to get them to start to be more open with what is going on, and that is all that you need." Manny said, and then he was placing his hand on my shoulder, trying to find a way to make me feel better, and I had no idea what he was going to do to make this whole thing seem less awful for me.

"Honestly, I just don't know if they would be wanting to help me. Or if they will be telling me that this will sort of be pointless. I mean, maybe they're right if they tell me that. Maybe if they do end up saying something like that, they might be onto something, and then after the moment of sadness, I will get over it, and I will just instead focus on something else." I said, and then I looked at Manny, and I was seriously for the first time wondering if perhaps these jokes were not the way that I should be going at my presentation. If perhaps I needed to go on and do something else now.

"Even if comedy does not turn out to be your thing, and you are not into it anymore, then I think that you will need to accept that over time. But that being said, I think you will need to at least try and reach out and do this performance. I mean, the performance is already only a couple of days away. There is no reason for you to not go through with this, and see what the heck is going on now. Worst comes to worst, this show fails, and you can think of your next step after that." After he was telling me this, he was looking at me, truly looking like this was a sound idea. Maybe it was in its own way.

I was thinking on it more and more, and thinking about what he was trying to get me to do. What he was trying to get me to concede, and after I thought on it a bit more, I was sighing, thinking that maybe he was right on this. "Yeah, you're right. I'm in too deep now to stop. I have to give this a shot." I said, and then I looked at him, wondering what I would say now.

"Well, now that you are getting over it, and you are seeing that this is the best way to be going through this, what do you feel like you will be doing now? What do you feel like you will say at the show to make you become the person that you want to be?" He asked me, looking right at me, and he was looking like he had wanted me to deeply think on this a bit more. I was sighing, looking at my back pack at my side.

"Well, maybe I can start to think fo something that might be able to be funny to people. Honestly funny, and not just something that people sort of casually giggle at." I said, and then I was thinking about it. There was something that I was thinking about, and that when I was looking at him, I was seeing him looking like he was willing to see what my response could have been right now, seeing me looking very deeply into it all.

"I think that maybe some material on my brothers and Lydia could be funny. You know, stuff like casually making fun of them. Throwing shade at them, but not in a way where they will feel like they are being personally attacked." I was suggesting to him, and looked right at him, wondering what he was going to be saying to me, seeing that he was wishing to know what the heck I was going to be doing with this right now.

"Where do you think that you would start, if you were do something like this? I mean, I think that if you were to full on go with this, I think that you will have to truly capture the idea of what it would be like to get something going." After he had said that to me, I was thinking about this, and looked right at him, wondering if he was going to be wanting to speak further, or if he was going to be leaving this open for me to go through now.

"I think that maybe I might start with Lydia or something. I mean, as the only sister in the group, I think that maybe she might be the easiest to find the material for, and not be coming off as repetitive or anything like that. Maybe if I can really get her into it, then she might enjoy it, and she might actually give her approval. Heck, seeing me doing something else at all with it might be enough of her endorsement stuff." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to sort of feel like I needed to see where this was going to be heading now.

"What type of stuff do you think you would be making jokes out of? I mean, I think that this might be a bit rough to start with right now, and you have a good idea. But you are going to have to find a way to be making this actually work." After he was saying that to me, I was looking right at him, and seeing that he was feeling like this was the most important thing to be looking at, and I was feeling like maybe he was the one that needed to be leading this charge instead of me. Clearly he was putting more thought into this whole thing than I had been.

"I think that maybe I can talk with her a bit, and learn more of her life on what it is like to have ten brothers, and see if she might be able to sort of give me some stuff to go off of when I present my stuff. Some stuff that I feel like I can genuinely make some good material out of." I was saying to Manny, wondering what the heck he was going to be telling me now. I was feeling like he was going to find some fucking way to make it seem like that was a terrible idea.

"Well, at least that is a start. Actually talking to them, and getting to know them, and seeing what they are liking, and what they are going through. It might not be the best thing in the world to be going for, but it will be a start. I think that you might actually have something right now." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him genuinely looking like he had wanted to say more. But had no idea what to be doing now.

"Honestly, I think that this is something that I should have been doing right from the start. I think that I should have gone on and actually make her feel better. But now that I have a starting spot, what the heck am I am going to be doing? I think that I need to actually see what the other ones might say. I might try and get to see what they might all be saying." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering what the heck he was going to be saying to me right now.

"Well, there is no reason to beat yourself up over it now. I think that maybe you are just going to have to go and see what you can do to speak with them, and see if they have any idea where to go, and maybe they will not only give you answers, and material, but be able to support you on this whole thing." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him genuinely looking a bit more excited to be seeing how this could go.

"I don't know who I would be going after Lydia. Maybe something like Josiah, since he is the one that lives with me in the room. I mean, Ridge and Levi might be flat out too young to give me any help here, so I might be going for them last. However that being said, I think that they might be still something that maybe I can use the older siblings for if I need to." I said, and then I was looking at Manny, unsure of what the heck to be saying now.

"From what I remember. You were telling me that Ridge was just a couple of weeks old, and that Levi is only two. I think that maybe speaking to them about this might be kind of pointless." After he had said that to me, I was nodding, and I was feeling like I just needed to find a way to truly be making this whole thing work, and not be making it much worse.

"Honestly, I have no idea what they would even want to be telling me about this, even if I had wished that I can be able to get this whole thing to work." After I was telling him this, I was feeling like I needed to find something else to be working from this. I was just feeling like I was going to be wasting my time either way. "I just need to find a way to make it feel like I know what I am doing." I said, and then I was feeling like nothing else mattered anymore.

"I think that once I am done with Lydia and Josiah, I will probably go for Todd and Gabe. Being the older ones, I think that they might have some material for me that is going to be better than anybody else. I just wish that I could be able to help them out here. I just feel like if I present something, and they might not like it, then in a way, I will feel like I made a huge mistake, and that it is all my fault." I said, and then I was feeling like what I had said was being a bit silly now.

"Well, I think part of the whole act of comedy is just going out and doing stuff that might be a bit over the top. Something that is not genuine, but is able to get people to be interested. To get people to be laughing, and to be feeling like they could connect with you here. I think that stuff like that is going to be more important." After Manny had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was genuinely curious to see how I would be forcing some shit out of this, and how we were finally able to pull together some form of a act that I could feel proud of.

"I guess that you might be right. I mean, I might not get it, and I might not be super into it all, but there is no real reason to be shooting down this whole idea. Just because I might not get it does not mean I want to not do it. I will just go on and perform, and I will see what the siblings say. I mean, worse comes to worse, they might resent me for doing this for like a day or two, but they will get over it, and they will be adults about it over time, and they will be respectful about not wanting me to do it again." I said, and then I was just wishing to know what Manny would want to tell me now. Or if he was going to just be leaving the subject alone now.

"Well, what type of stuff do you think you would present that they could be mad over? I think that if it is such a huge thing for you, then just don't fucking do anything like that, and it will be fine." After he had told me this, I was sighing, feeling like I needed to just find more to be going with here.

"Maybe just anything that they don't tell me. Maybe if they do not tell me that something would be allowed to be presented, then just don't fucking do it. I guess that I can just do something like that. Like ask what they would be fine with presenting, and only go with that for the duration of the show, and if I am running out of material for that sibling, then move onto the next one." I was sighing, feeling like I was going to just be done with this, and that I had gone far enough now.

"See, if you feel like they do not want to have that stuff shown, then you will be fine. You do not have to be so worried about this stuff. You are already aware of what things are going to be like, and you are simply just being too worried on this." After he was saying this to me, I was then thinking of what he was telling me, and I was feeling like maybe I could get something to work out here. I was feeling like maybe I was being too worried over something that was genuinely not a huge issue to begin with.

"Yeah, I think that I might have some ideas on what I should be doing. Maybe I should not be so damn worried on this whole thing, and that being a big whiny asshole on this is only going to make things worse. I guess that maybe I was just worried over something that is not that big of a issue." After I was saying this to him, I was looking right at Manny, wondering if he had anything else that he was wishing to say, or was willing to leave it alone now.

"I think that maybe I just need to sort of be sure that I can use what they tell me, but also not do so in a way that they are being attacked, or feeling like they are being attacked. I feel like doing something like this would be the worst thing that I could do, and the worst ending to this. I mean, as much as I want to win, I want them to approve of me as well. Doing something that they will not approve of will make me feel terrible." I said, and I was genuinely meaning what I had been saying, and I was looking right at Manny, wondering what the heck he was going to be trying to say to me now.

"Honestly, I think that they will not be too angry at you in the long run. They might be angry at you at first, and they might feel betrayed if you go too far at first, but at this point, at first, I think that they might be letting you off with a warning. Showing that they do not appreciate what you did, but they will get over it soon enough. I genuinely do not feel like they are going to be making things too worse for you." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking genuine about what he was saying, and I was feeling like maybe I needed to sort of see what the heck we were doing here.

"I am going to be seeing what the heck I am actually going to do from now on. The whole thing is going to be rough. The whole thing is going to feel like I am going to sort of be opening up a pathway to get them to at least be curious what the purpose to this all is, and I will have to be honest with what I am doing, and I will see how it can all work." I was saying, and I was feeling like nothing I would say will really make me feel one hundred percent better. I was feeling like I was just needing to take it easier.

"Do you actually feel scared on all of this, or are you just sort of saying this to try and make yourself feel better on the fact that you want to know what is going on?" After he had asked me this, I was seeing him looking like he was genuinely curious what I was going to be saying. I was feeling like maybe I just needed to find something to be saying to make it look like what he was doing was going to not really be phasing me all that much. I did not think it was going to be possible. I did not think I needed to fucking think on it too much longer, and that I was probably going to be alright. When I was feeling like I was having that answer, I looked right at Manny, feeling like my answer was going to be good now.

"I am not terribly scared. I think that I am going to be more worried about getting on the stage, with all of this material in mind, and sort of just trying to be going on to see what it would be like. I think when I do something like this, I will be all fine. I think that I am going to have to find a way to sort of make it look better. In a way, I feel like once I get on the stage, any illusion of confidence I ever made will be gone." I said to him, wishing that he knew what I was going to be feeling now.

"See, if you are not scared, and you feel like you are going to be fine, then you do not have much that is going on. You are going to be getting up there, and everything will be alright. I think that you will do good. You will sort of know what is going on, and you will be able to go up there, and fucking just kick ass at the show." After he had told me this, I was seeing that Manny looked like he was actually believing in what I had been hearing. I was feeling like what he had told me was a bit out there, and that he needed to be more realistic on this, and not be assuming that I could be so good. But I appreciated the sentiment, and that was all that mattered in my mind at least.

"Yeah, I will see what I can fucking do here. There is no real reason to not be working something out here. I feel like that is the one thing I need to understand. That going out there, and going to see what my family would want, and making them feel like I am genuinely reaching out to them to be able to get to know them better, I feel like everything will be coming through." I was saying, and then I was feeling like I just needed to find something else to be saying. I was feeling like I had made my entire point on what was going on at this rate.

"Everything will be going the way that it is meant to be. I think that this is all that matters. Do you think that the show will be the best work that you have made? Or do you think that maybe when you go up there, they might be just sort of brushing you off? I think that when you get up there, and you are actually trying to show people what you want them to hear, that this is going to be the most important thing. That the performance is the only thing that you can be able to fully feel proud of." After he was saying this to me, I was looking at him, wondering what he was going to be saying now. If he was going to continue at all, or leave this whole thing be for the time being.

...

-Dec 9 1993 4:10 am- I was home, and I was feeling like I needed to find the answers to just what I was going to be asking Lydia, feeling like that was the most important thing. I needed to know what was going to make Lydia tick. I knew that no matter what was going to happen, the way that I was going to get Lydia to help me was going to be a fucking impossible road. This whole thing was going to be a bit rough, and the whole thing just did not even matter at all.

I was thinking that the questions I was going to be asking her were going to be a bit pointless, and that she was probably not really wanting to help me. I mean, I did not blame her if she was not going to want to be doing this. She would probably be finding the idea of reaching out to her to be strange, and honestly maybe even kind of annoying, and she would probably want me to stop before I was even able to start this whole thing working.

I was angry at the way that I was looking at this whole thing. I wished that I was going to just have the balls to talk with her. She needed to just help me out, and I needed to help her out feel like this story was going to be ready now. I was wondering how much being angry about this would have made a difference. I did not think that it was going to make a difference what I would say to her right now, and that she would probably just tell me that it was not all that huge of a deal.

But despite everything going on in my mind, I was feeling like I just needed to go on and talk with her. I needed to just get it over with, and see what she would be saying. No matter what answer I would give, it was going to be rough to see her feeling and looking so uncertain what I was doing. I would feel like I was going to be letting her think that I was using her.

But I was telling myself not to be feeling this way, and that I could just talk with her, and see what she was feeling, and then when I was going to be done with this, and I would finally see what she was feeling, this whole thing was going to give me the answrers that I had desperately needed. But at the same time, I felt like this was really not going to fucking matter anymore. Despite the uncertainty of what I had been doing now.

Before I could think about it any further, I was hearing somebody coming along. I was telling myself that I needed to go on and see who this person was, and then just pretend like I was aware of what was going on, and pretend like I was going to be keeping this whole thing together. But despite what I had been feeling, I was feeling like I just needed to try and find a way to be making it look like I would reach out to her.

When I was walking in front of Lydia, who was in the kitchen, getting her nightly drink or snack, and I was feeling like this was going to really hurt her school life with how much she was staying up late or getting up late, which was getting in the way of her sleep. I felt like I needed to go on and try to make her feel better. I was feeling like I also needed to get her to understand that this was not already for her. I was worried on how this was going to make a difference, because I cared about her as a brother.

As I was in front of her, I just sighed a bit, and decided to see how I could help her out. "Alright Lydia. I am not going to be lecturing you on this, and I think that you do not really care to hear me lecture you on this. But that being said, I think that you should not be doing this so often, because it will be hurting you in your school life, and your sleep schedule in school." I said, and then I was looking at her, wondering what she was going to be saying to her. I was seeing her looking totally unsure of what I was going to be saying to her to make her feel any different.

"I do not really want to hear people telling me off here. I think that you are just going to be too worried over something like this. It is just something that I like to do. I sometimes get hungry and thirsty when I am down there, and need something to have." She told me, and then I was seeing her looking like she was willing to test me here. I was feeling like she was not going to be taking this well, and that I needed to just fucking stop now.

"Listen, I did not mean to make it seem like that. I just wanted to help you feel better. But I was worried about how you were, and I was wondering if you knew what you were getting yourself into by doing this." I said, and then I was looking right at her, sort of wishing to find something else. "But then again, I feel like you are old enough to start to make some choices on this. I guess that maybe it is none of my fucking business or something like that." I said, looking at her, wondering what I was even going to be seeing her say. She was clearly still not convinced here yet.

"Well, I appreciate the fact that it seems like you care about me in your own annoying way. But don't worry about it too much. I mean, you are just doing what you feel like is right. As much as I might not like to admit it." After Lydia was telling me that, I was seeing her looking at me, and she was looking like she was wanting to say more, but did not have the balls to be doing anything else, in fear of what her older brother would say.

'Don't worry about it too much. I mean, I don't really want you to be angry at me, and I do not want something to get in the way of our way of living as siblings. I mean, if it were to, I would hate the way that this was going along." I said, and then I was looking at her, wondering what she was going to be telling me now. If she had planned to be saying something else. She was looking like she was willing to just remain quiet now.

"I just wish that I was aware of how I was going to be able to make you feel better. I mean, I know that you are doing is totally harmless." I said, and then I was looking like I was being silly right now, and then I was trying to find something else to be saying. I was seeing her looking like she was wishing to find something else to be saying. But then she was shaking her head, and then she was looking like she was willing to just sort of give up on this whole thing, and not be getting to my way on this.

"Hey Seth, I heard that you were in a show. Do you want to show people what you are planning on doing when you perform?" After she was asking me this, I was feeling like I just needed to find something else to say to make it feel like it could have been able to make it seem less strange. More like we were able to actually have a discussion we could be able to genuinely enjoy here on this whole thing.

"I am not too sure what to be feeling. I mean, I want to do it. But I am too scared of going up there, and failing miserably. I do not want to go up there, talk happily, and make it look like I know what I am doing, but then fail at the last minute before I have any idea what the heck I am actually doing. Then it will all be for not." I was saying, and then I was feeling like I was just trying to be finding something to make it look like I was not totally going to be insane on this.

...

-Dec 9 1993 5:15 pm- I was sort of wondering what the heck I was going to be doing right now. I was feeling like I just needed to find a way to make this actually seem like it was going to be worth it. I needed to have some friends who were actually going to be going out and actually feeling like they would be willing to really get to know me or something like this. But I was feeling like maybe I just needed to be there for Lydia, and ask her some questions to sort of focus on the bigger goal in mind.

So when I was seeing Lydia again, I was sitting down, and I was calling out to her, to see if she was willing to go on and actually speak to me. I felt like no matter what the heck was going to happen, I was going to have to be really patient, and see what the heck I could be doing to try and make her feel like I can reach out to her in my own way. I was feeling like she would probably not really enjoy doing something like this.

"Hey Lydia, I was wanting to talk for a bit with you. I know that this might be a bit sudden, but I think that maybe we could be able to get to reach out for a bit, and some important stuff." After I had said this in response, I was wondering what the heck was going to be happening now. I was seeing her looking clearly uncertain of what to be doing, but she was sighing, thinking that she would be getting over it now.

Eventually, she was sitting down, feeling like she needed to go on and give this a chance. She was clearly thinking that there was no reason for her to not be doing this right now. She was looking right at me, and she was wondering what the heck she was going to need to say to me, to sort of make it feel like I was going to be able to break through to her in a way. But it just was feeling wrong to be going on with this right now.

"So, what were you needing for me to talk with you over?" She was asking me, and she was clearly looking like she had no idea what the heck I was wanting to say. I took a deep breath, feeling like I was needing to find something to say. I just needed to give a response that would make her feel like I was going to make her not only feel like I was using her, but that I was actually meaning what I had been saying right now. But it was going to just be a bit hard, and something that I had no idea if it was worth it.

"I was wanting to perhaps get you to help me with something very important. How to be getting ready for one of my comedy performances at the talent show in a couple of days. I wish to go on and get some help from you guys. Like get some advice on what I should be doing with the performance." I said, and then I was looking right at her, wondering if she had wanted to find something else she was going to say to me to tell me off.

"What do you think that I would be able to do to help you out? I mean, I think that something like this might be a bit silly to do. I think that you need to think about how something like this is going to work." After Lydia had said this to me, I was seeing her looking like she was wishing to find something to be making me feel so much better. I just truly had no idea what I was even going to be doing to make any difference.

"Since you are the only girl here, I feel like you might be willing to go on and give me a different perspective on what I am going to present to the school. I mean, I feel like what I might say on stage might be getting people more interested in what I will be saying. You will really be able to provide a different side to this whole thing. Having so many siblings." I said, and then I was seeing her looking like she had wished to be saying something else here.

"I guess that I might be having something that I could help you with. I mean, I don't know how likely it will be that I can help you out here. But to be honest, I just feel like you are going to have to find more things to be talking about. To not be making the school be overwhelmed by this whole thing." After Lydia was saying all of this stuff to me, I was seeing her looking like she was truly wishing that I would at least consider where she was coming from this. But I had no idea what the heck I was going to say now.

"I think that this is not going to be all that big of a deal. I think that you are just going to be fine. Just tell me what you know, and I will see what the heck I can do to make the material work out the best that I will be able to do." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and I was seeing her looking like she was slowly getting over it, and that she was willing to go along with this, and see what I was planning on doing right now. I was just seeing her sort of looking like she was going to see what I was wanting to know.

"Well, if you are feeling like this is going to be worth it, then I might as well see what you want to tell me about." After she was saying this to me, I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to find something else to say to me, to make it clear to me that I was not going to be allowed to go over board with my story here.

"Well, the first thing that I am curious to know is that I want to know what your favorite memory of each one of us actually is." I said, looking right at her, wondering what I had to say, and I was seeing her looking like she was a little bit uncertain on what the heck she was wanting to tell me. She was thinking about what her answer was going to be, for a multitude of reasons, and then she was sighing, feeling like she finally had a answer to be giving me.

"Well, one of my favorite memories of you guys are when I had you trying to give me your best jokes, and I was just always finding a way to try and find them funny, and brush them off, while also not making it look like I was making it too obvious. At the time, I just could not understand or appreciate the fact that this was your true ambition, and that you had cared a lot for this stuff. I feel like if I had known that, I would have been more willing to work with you." Lydia was telling me, looking like she was wanting to say something else, but did not know if I was going to be offended or not.

"I already kind of knew that you guys are not really all that into my jokes. I mean, you guys at least are nice enough to not be super obvious about it. That being said, I just kind of wonder if that is your actual favorite memory. I mean, that is really vague, and I feel like there is a lot of material that you are not giving me here." I said, and then I was seeing her looking like she was wishing to not say anything else. But she was looking like she was just needing to get over it.

"I know that you might be getting kind of annoyed if I were to do something like this, since you might be feeling like I am just sort of going a little broad about this whole thing, but could you be fine if I were to give you a answer on each one of my siblings? You know, that way you can get more material, while also making it so that I don't have to exert myself too much." She was saying to me, and I was seeing her looking like she had genuinely needed this from me right now. I was slowly nodding, decided that I needed to just pretend like this was not going to be kind of annoying to me or anything.

"Alright. I might not really be a huge fan of this, and I might be finding this kind of cheap. But I know that you are not going to be having it any other way, so I will just see what I can do to let you have this moment." I said, and then I was seeing her looking like she was willing to appreciate this from me, and appreciate the fact that I was willing to help her out.

"Well, my favorite memory of Todd Jr was when he was bringing me to my first day of school. The reason that this one was so nice for me was the fact that he and I ended up having some breakfast before hand. I ended up being able to get some one on one time with me. He was really nice to me, and treated me well. I just actually felt like I was able to connect with him when he was doing this. Although he is extremely obsessed with the idea that I am moms favorite." Lydia said, and I did not want to say anything to her, since she might not know better, but she really was the favorite.

"I asked him what it was like going to school, and he was giving me some simple advice, and pretty much was just giving me advice on how I was supposed to be presenting myself well, and showing the classmates that I would be a easy to follow person. Todd gave me some very vague advice. Like he was not really all that interested in anything like that right now. I was feeling like he just felt like I was already going to be like this without his help." She said, and she was clearly looking like she was happy to consider that somebody was willing to go on and treat her this well anyways.

"I was unsure of what he had felt of me before. He always seemed to be unsure of how to approaching me. As if feeling like I was just sort of there. And not really being somebody who knew how to reach out to them. But when I was talking with him, and really getting to know him, I felt like I was able to realize that he did care for me in his own way." After she was telling me that, I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to see what I would think of this. I did not know what to be thinking about this now, since it was going to be impossible.

"I guess that I am not really going to get some material on this. Maybe I should have been more detailed on what I was meaning. I guess I should have said most funny memory or something like that. You know, something like this could be able to work better for me." I said, and then I was waving my left hand out a bit, wondering what she was going to finally be saying to me here.

"Alright, sorry, I almost forgot that I was talking with the sibling who is always into jokes and stuff." Lydia said, and I was genuinely unable to tell if she was saying this in a malice way, or if she was actually liking what she had been saying. I did not know what to be saying, and I decided that I was not going to be saying anything at all." After she was saying this to me, I was seeing her looking like she had wanted to be saying more to sort of make the whole thing work.

"Anyways, if we are talking about the most funny memory, I think it might have been a really vague memory of when Levi was about a year or so old. This was several months ago. We were supposed to be there watching him for mom and dad since I was not in school yet, and most of you guys were either at school, or hanging out with friends. Henry was also too busy watching television, and the twins were also taking nap time. But if you remember, several months ago, Levi was impossible to be able to keep quiet." After she was telling me this, I was much more interested in seeing where this was going to be going, and seeing what she was going to say, to sort of see what I was going to get from this.

"Well, we were trying to make him get some sleep, and we were both getting a bit tired. So what had happened was that Todd went to his room, and he pulled out something that looked like crumbled leaves. I was seeing him looking like she was so excited to be doing something like this. I looked at him, unsure of what he was holding. And it smelt weird. He took out a lighter, and placed it on a glass thing with a hole at the top. He started to breathe the burning leaves." After Lydia said that, I was looking at her, shocked that she was perfectly describing Todd smoking weed.

I was wanting to be saying something, but decided that I was going to be keeping this together and quiet, and let her finish the story before I went on and said something else now. "Well, after he had done that, he was talking about things like philosophy, and something like how much he loved boobs and stuff. He was seeming to be kind of perverted while he was doing it. I asked him what he was talking about, and he bluntly told me that he liked girl parts." After she had said that to me, I was laughing a bit, thinking that maybe this was something I could use after all. This was good material. This was all that I needed right now.

...

-Dec 10 1993 12:35 am- I was hanging out with Manny, and I was not really talking about the comedy stuff for the time being, and I was just trying to focus on what we were going to be doing for the time being. I was sort of wishing that I knew what I was going to be getting myself into for the most part. I was feeling like I just needed to go on and talk with him about some more personal stuff, and sort of get to know each other on a one by one basis, and sort of figure out where this was going to go.

"So did you ever have a crush on somebody when we were in school?" After I had asked manny this question, he was looking right at me, as if sort of giving me death glares for the idea of thinking that this was something that I was wanting to talk about. But he was clearly sort of looking like he was willing to accept the fact that there was nothing that he was going to change about this now at the moment.

"Well, I sort of wanted to like somebody. I thought that if I could be able to do something like that, I would be able to sort of get out there, and actually show people that I was wanting to have a social life. But to be honest, I think that something like this was going to be fucking impossible, and I will honestly just accept the fact that my friends, if I ever get them, will never really appreciate my personality." Manny said, and I was wondering what the heck he was feeling like was just going to be keeping him from admitting that we might be friends right now.

"But that being said, I do not have any desire to go on and try to get people to like me. If I do something like that, I know that I am going to be letting myself down. I know that I will be feeling like I should have been getting more. But to be honest, I think that I am just going to have to be letting this whole thing go for the time being. Because I am kind of tired of everybody judging me." After he was saying that to me, I was sort of feeling like I just needed to find something to keep me safe.

Well, safe isn't the correct word, but sort of feeling like I could connect with them still. "Honestly, if I were to try and tell people all the people that I used to like, people would probably be thinking that I was just trying too hard. I mean, I think that you and I are going to be rather different on that regard. People might be thinking that it might be funny to make fun of me for trying." I said, and then I was shaking my head, unsure of what the hell I was going to be doing now.

"Well, you do not need to worry about telling me who you used to like. Honestly, even if we stopped hanging out the minute this show is done, I would barely have anybody to talk to leak this information towards anyways, so I think that you just need to be safe with this whole thing, and just not be too worried on this." Manny said, wondering if he was going to get me to open up and see what I was doing now.

"I don't know if I will fully believe in that idea right now. I mean, for all I know, there are people who might be talking with you that you might be leaking this towards. However, that being said, I feel like maybe I just need to understand that some of that stuff was so long ago that it would not make any difference." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to say more, but did not know what to say now.

I was thinking about it for a moment or two longer, and then I was sighing, feeling like I just needed to maybe take a leap of faith, on the chance that I might be able to go on and be friends with this guy. "Well, there is no real reason for me to not tell you I guess. Even if I feel like there is a chance that you might be going on and telling other people. But if you did, I might be able to learn what you did rather fast." I said, and then I was looking at him, wondering if he was going to be defending himself here.

But I decided that I was just going to be making this be a bit boring, so I did not do anything like this. "Well, I used to like this girl named Michelle. She was really cute. I mean, I guess that maybe cute is not the best word to be describing this, but to be honest, I just don't really have any better way to describe it." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering what the heck I was going to be saying to him now. I was feeling like I had explained everything I wanted to now.

"I just wished that I could be able to get her to see that it would have been a lot of fun if we were to go on and be friends, but I feel like something like this was just simply not going to be happening. I mean, no matter how much I wished that it would have been different, I can't make something work out that was just sort of not really meant to be." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to find something else to say. I was seeing Manny looking like he was just glad to see me being honest with him once and for once in my life.

"Well, I think that if I were to even try and reach out to her now, I was feeling like she would just tell me that it would be too late. That I should have tried to reach out to her earlier. I feel like maybe I should be able to sort of accept such a thing, no matter how much I will want to be saying something otherwise." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and I was feeling like I just needed to try and see what the heck I would do in order to make Manny see where I was coming from.

Honestly, looking at him, and seeing him looking kind of unsure of what the heck he was going to be saying now, I was sort of feeling like maybe I just needed to be quiet, to sort of see what he was going to say now. "So honestly Manny, how likely do you think that it will be that I can go on and actually win the show? I want to have an actual answer be given to me. I will try and be ready for such a thing."

I was seeing him looking like he was unsure of what to be telling me. I mean, I did not know if he was going to be saying something to make me feel better, or if he genuinely did not know, or if he was feeling like he would see me do well. I did not know what he was going to be expressing, and that was the thing that made me totally unsure of what I was going to be feeling right now, in the long run.

"Well honestly, I think that you will probably be doing just fine. I think that you do not need to worry about it as much as you are sort of making it out to be. I think you are just being worried over something that is not going to be all that huge of a problem. But I think that you need to sort of just go on and see what your siblings would be willing to do to make sure that you can go the extra mile and stuff. Do you think that you can do something like this?" After he had asked me this, I was feeling like such a question was going to be fucking impossible. I did not care what he was going to be telling me though.

"I will just sort of see what they would be thinking about the jokes before I present them. I mean, I got a really good one with my oldest brother smoking some weed, and then he was trying to watch his younger siblings while he was high as a kite, and Lydia had no idea what he was like right now, so she thought there was no real difference." I said, and then I was looking at Manny, wondering what he would be saying to that, and if he was actually going to find some enjoyment out of this one, and not be thinking that it was something I was trying too hard on.

"Oh my god, I can't believe that she would be willing to tell you that. This is awesome. I am totally convinced that you need to go on and make that a huge part of your skit. I mean, that is just too good to be passing up. Seriously, I think that this would be one way to be getting people to listen to you right away, and that will be able to get people to really know what they should be looking at with you." After Manny was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like she was wanting to be saying more. But had no fucking idea what the heck we were going to be doing now, and if any of it actually mattered all that much to be totally honest.

"Well, I don't really think she would fully get the context behind it all. I think that she probably just told me what she was thinking was a harmless story, and then she just would not know that I was planning on really getting a lot of mileage by this one." I said, and then I was looking right at Manny, and I was seeing him looking like he was willing to be seeing where I was going to be heading with this whole thing, and if he had any idea where we would be heading on this.

"I think that if you want to be using that though, you will have to personally clear it up with Todd that you are not using this as any form of attack, and that you are just going to simply think that you believe this to be funny, and that this is all a part of business, and that you need to just use what you have here." After he had said that to me, I was slowly nodding, feeling like that was going to be a good thing to be saying, and that if I had said that, then maybe I could be able to get him to sort of calm down, and not be too angry at me, which I felt like was the most important thing to be doing right now.

But despite what was going on, I was looking at Manny, wondering what I was going to be saying now. Wondering if I was going to be finding something to make this whole thing seem like it was going to come together much better and easier for us all. "I think that maybe we can do something else, and sort of see what we can do to make it work out." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to find something else to be saying now. I was just feeling like I was going to have a long way to go now.

...

-Dec 10 1993 2:45 pm- I was getting ready for the show tonight. To say that I was scared would have been the understatement of the fucking century. I had no idea what I was going to be doing. The idea of not knowing what I was going to be ready for was just going to be fucking lost on everything that I would be going on through. I was just feeling like I was needing to know the answers to all of my fears coming up. The worst part about this was that I had no idea what I was scared of.

I was feeling like if I was to try and explain what I was scared of and stuff, I was going to have to be heading a long fucking way to be sort of bringing it all together. I just wanted to make this show sort of being showing us how proud we were going to be on this whole thing. I was feeling like I needed to see what Manny would be thinking on this whole thing.

"So Manny, what do you think that I should be doing when I am up there? I mean, should I be explaining stuff that was funny with them, or just talking baout the stuff that I remember with him, and therefore enjoyed with him the most, and that way I would be able to really sort of show people what my siblings were like with me." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering what the heck he was going to tell me.

"I think that maybe just sort of talking about some of both might not be so bad. You know, sort of at first getting to explain some of the stuff that they had told you, and once you are done with that stuff, then you just go in and you get real personal, and you show them what you truly are like. Once you get their trust, you feel like you might be able to tell them your favorite stuff." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking happier with me.

"I think that maybe I will tell them some stuff that really stuck out to me. You know, stuff that actually got with me on a deeper level. Once I do something like this, then I think that maybe I will sort of be having it all out at the table, and everything will finally be able to come together the right way." After I was saying this to Manny, I was hoping that he was willing to be working with me right now, and not brushing off what I was feeling now.

"Do you feel like your siblings will be proud of you, or do you feel like you are just sort of finally following what you have been supposed to do this entire time?" Manny asked me, and then I was feeling like he was just trying to make me think deeper, and I had nothing wrong with that, but the whole thing was just hard for me to really comprehend in my own way.

"I think that they might be proud of me finally just doing something that I have shown people to like, and not be sort of holding back on it. When I do something like that, they might be finally wanting me to go out and show people that I know what I am doing, and then I can get further with it that way." I was shrugging, sort of looking at Manny, and I was feeling like he was going to try and find something to say to make me feel better. But I did not know if it would work.

"I just think that when I finally get through with it, I will almost be proud of myself. I think that maybe if I were to do something like that, and not fall back at all, that is all that I really needed." I said, and then I sort of just looked right at him, sort of wishing that maybe I could find more to be making Manny sort of understand where my perspective on this was going to be.

"See, I think that you are going to be getting on with this. I think that the more important question is that I think you need to ask yourself if you are going to enjoy something like this. Do you think that this is something that you would like to do here?" He was genuinely looking like he was unsure of what I was going to be saying. The whole thing was just a bit strange, and I wanted to tell him more. But I had no idea what the heck to tell him.

"I think that I will have to see how successful it was, and well as how close it can make me feel like I am being myself. If I feel like I am truly being myself for once, and truly showing people who I am, and that I have no shame of what I am doing, then I think that this is all that I need to do." I said, and then I was looking at Manny, wondering what he was wanting to tell me, and if he was going to try and push me off now.

"Do you think that success is the most important thing that is going on? I mean, I know of actors who talk about how much money they make, but when you see the look on their face, you can tell that they hate you. They can see that there is nothing left for them, and that the pay check is the only reason they even pretend to be into what is happening." Manny said, and I was wondering what the heck he was going to tell me at this rate. I had no idea what to believe now.

"I think that if I was successful, then I can certainly have something going on here. I feel like I just need to sort of make it all finally come together, and be better for us all." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was clearly not wanting to believe what I was saying, and I was seeing that he was clearly just wanting to go on and fight me with what I was doing. But I had no idea what the hell I was wanting to even tell him.

"I think that maybe you are going to have to just look at things from a natural persepctive. I can understand being in denial over it all. I really truly can, but I can't change how this whole thing works out." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him truly looking like he was wanting to be saying something else. He was wanting to be making this something I would at least look at, but I was not wanting to say anything at all.

"I shoudl not be doing this with you right now. I mean, I know that you are wanting to be doing this. I should be trying to accept the fact that you are happy in your own way. I was just trying to be adding some perspective to everything going on right now." After he had said that to me, I was just placing my hand on his shoulder, and I was just looking at him, as if wishing for him to not be sort of worried about what the heck was going on now.

"I know that I should not be too angry at you. I appreciate you trying to make it look like you are willing to go the extra mile for this whole thing. It does make me feel like we are going to make a real difference in the long run." After I was done with this, sort of wondering what the heck my issue was really. But I was feeling like I just needed to focus on what we were doing.

"Besides, I know that there is something that you want to prove with this act, and I have nothing against you sort of wanting to show people that you are good." After he was saying that to me, I was looking right at him, wishing to be saying more. I was seeing him looking like he was sort of wanting to see how long and far I could be able to go on with this whole thing.

"I just can't wait to be showing people that I am able to be talented on my own. Without having people be forced to walk me through this stuff. I mean, I know that I am being silly right now. I know that I am just taking things too seriously, and that I need to find a way to make it clear that I am going to be independent from now on here." I was saying, sort of trying to make it look like I was going to be good with this, and that I could handle what I was getting myself into in the long run.

"I think that once I show people that I can handle this on my own, everything will be fine. I think that maybe I am going to be making a difference in peoples eyes by doing this, and that is all that I wish to do. I just want to show people how good I can be on this whole thing, and when I do something like that, I can finally be able to start to make some peace with this whole thing." I said, and I was sort of wondering what the heck I was going to be doing at this rate.

"I guess that maybe I just need to be taking things easier. But I have one thing that I know you will not want to answer me with, but I think that it is the most important thing." He was telling me, and then he was looking right at me in the eyes, as if feeling like this response was going to be the worst thing that I could be getting here. But it was the only thing that mattered in the long run.

"Do you think that your siblings, not including Josiah, will even be there? Do you think that they will actually go out of their way and see how you are doing? I mean, I think that something like this is the most important thing right now." He was telling me, and I was seeing him looking like he did not want to be letting me down. Since he was feeling like I was still a nice enough guy to not deserve something like this. But that he needed to be realistic with this.

"I wish that they were going to be at the show. But to be honest, I will not be shocked if they are not. I would really hate it if they are not though. Since it would clearly show me once again, that I am sort of on my own, and that people are not wanting to work with me or anything like that." I said, and then I was feeling like that whole thing was going to be really letting me down, and I did not really even have any better way to describe it.

"Honestly, I will just sort of do what I can, and if I win the show, and show people that I am good, or that I can be good, then I think that if when they are going to finally give me a chance, and that they will be able to finally just see what it would be like to show some support for all that I have been doing here." I was saying, just sort of wishing to finally find something to say to make a real difference in the first place.

"I guess that maybe I should not be getting in your business too much on this right now. I mean, I guess that you have a right to be doing whatever you can to make this the perfect show." After Manny said that to me, he was placing his hand on my shoulder, just like how I did the exact same thing to him a moment ago, to sort of see what he was going to do to make me feel different.

"I think you need to just be happy with what is happening. I mean, I don't know how much we will be seeing each other, or if we will actually be friends or anything like that. But that being said, you need to just sort of take the moment and run with it. I think that something like this is truly the most important thing." After Manny had told me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to sort of say something else now.

"I mean, if you actually do hang out with me, and not leave me alone, I can be happy at the idea of maybe having some friends to be forming. I mean, I don't really know how else to be saying it besides that. The ide aof having friends is the one thing that I wish that I could be able to claim." I said, and then I was shaking my head, hating how much it was like to not really have any friends, and not really have anybody who was showing any sign of caring what I was doing.

"I don't really know what else to be saying. I mean, when I see that everybody else is having somebody to hang out with, and somebody who actually seems to know what they are dealing with, and showing some form of caring for them, I feel like I am really having something to change how it works." I said, and I was feeling like I just needed to go on and get over it all, and not be making it look like I was whining or anything like this.

"I guess that when you have nothing else to be going on with, then you just sort of need to be happy with the idea that there are some people who seem to reach out to you. I mean, if I still do hang out with you, then I guess that you are going to have something to make us all feel better." After Manny was saying this to me, I was feeling like I just needed to find something else to say to make some fucking difference on this whole thing.

"I need to just sort of accept what I am having right now. I need to get up there, and I am going to sort of just show people that I am no longer scared of what people are going to be feeling or thinking of me. That is all that I really needed now." I said, and tghen I was feeling like I just had to find something else to say to make it different for us.

"See, if you do something like that, then I think you will have something to sort of drive you forward. I mean, I think we should not really be debating this any more right now. I think the more important thing is focusing on the show, and making sure that no matter what happens, you will have something to go with. I think that we need to stop going in circles right now." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was sort of aware of 'what he was saying was right' thing, and I was thinking that maybe I needed to just let him have the moment.

"Well, I think that I am going to have to find something to make it all work out. I think that maybe I just need to find a good starting joke. I mean, I really think that I am going to have to find a way to make the getting high story work. Then when I am done with that, I am going to have to find a way to explain the story of maybe some of my funniest moments with each one, and by doing that, I might make something work." I said, and I was sort of feeling lik I had a good starting idea.

"What will be the next thing? I mean, I think you will certainly have something about school as well. I think that having something about school can also be a good starting rate." After Manny had told me that, I was looking at him, as if sort of feeling like maybe that was going to be a good answer to work with. I was sort of angry at the way that I was going to be looking at this, from my perspective and all of that stuff.

"I think that maybe I can talk about the time that I almost started a really nice food fight at the school. That was going to be so fun. But then it just turned into a moment where we basically started to dirty up the cafeteria because of some stuff being thrown at us on the table." I said, and then I was shaking my head, feeling like I needed to have a better answer to go on with, and I was sort of hating that idea.

"Honestly, I feel like as much fun as I am having with making jokes, I never really had any really funny stuff that I had in my life. I fucking hate that. I mean, I should have had something to be going with now, and not making a huge issue on this now." I was shaking my head, wishing that I had more to go on with, and that I had a better answer. All I knew is that my mission would come to an end soon.

...

-Dec 10 1993 5:00 pm- The show as going to be on very soon, and I was feeling like the moment of figuring out if I was actually funny or not would be sort of put to the test. If I was going to be getting people to be liking the way that I liked performing, or if they were just sort of saying something to make me feel better. I was getting ready to get on the the back room to sort of get the final preparations done when a voice called out to me.

As I turned around to look, I was seeing that it was Todd. I was seeing him looking like he was sort of wanting to say something, but did not really know how the hell he was going to be approching me on this. If he was going to actually have the answers that I had needed, or if he was not going to really saying anything to me here. "I was wanting to talk to you guys for a moment before you went up on the stage to perform." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking totally unsure of what to do.

"Are you guys going to be telling me that I am wasting my time, an dthat I just need to go on and do something more productive with my time here?" I asked, and I was sort of hiding the annoyed sound in my voice, trying to make it seem like I was not going to be angry with him for just trying to go on and reaching out to me. Then he sighed, and decided he would continue, and block away what I had said to him.

"Well I know that we have not been the most supportive of you and your jokes and all of that stuff lately. I know that we have often times made it seem like you were sort of wasting your time on this whole thing. That being said, when we see how much you are into it, and we see how much you want to go on and keep this going, that is when we realized something about ourselves." Todd said, and I was seeing him looking like he was willing to be responsible for once in his life.

"Honestly, I know that this is not going to be easy for any of us to do. To admit that we were bad to you. But I think that it is time to apologize. We should have been there to try and support you, and make you feel better, but we did not do that. We instead just sort of want out of our way to make it seem like you were going to make no progress. We were shitty siblings." Todd said, and then he was wondering what I would say now.

"I know that you are probably going to be feeling like this is a bit too little, too late. If you feel like you do not want to be listening to me, and you do not want to let us have a chance to change our ideas to you, then we could understand. But we were kind of hoping to sort of maybe hear you give us another chance. I think that this would be good for us." After he was done saying this, I was seeing him continue what he was saying, finally getting it together.

"Well, to start off with, I know that sometimes you do push too far. Sometimes, we do feel like the jokes are not all that funny. Sometimes we feel like there is just some fakeness to it. But that being said, you do enjoy it. You do seem to actually have a passion on all of this, and that is what is more important. That is why we need to accept you for who you are." After Todd was finishing this up with me, he was looking like he had wanted to say more, but could not.

"Thanks for being here for me. I know that it might be taking more for me to fully be ready to continue on, and to fully accept this new chance of embrace. But I feel like the fact that you seem to be giving it a chance, or wanting to give it a chance, then you are being nice." After I was telling Todd this, I saw him looking like he had wished to say more, but did not really feel the need to continue with this, and just felt like we had voiced ourselves enough.

"I mean, it truly is the last that we can do to make sure that you know that we are going to at least try and make it better for you. I don't know if you are going to be fully willing to listen, and I guess it would make sense if you are like that. But I can't really know what to be saying now." Todd said, and then I was feeling like I needed to ask the more important question, the question that I knew was going to be at the back of my mind until I got it over with now.

"How many of you guys are here right now? To help watch me perform?" I asked, and then I was seeing Todd smiling, as if feeling like this answer was going to be what I would want to be hearing. And from the way he was acting, I was feeling like maybe we were going to sort of make some form of progress right now.

"Well, all of us besides Gabe actually. We even decided to bring Ridge along, since even though he is only a couple of weeks old, we feel like the idea of rejecting several of us to go because of simple age would be kind of rude of us. We were thinking that we could at leats let you have this." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to go on and say more, he was just sort of feeling like he had made his point, and that there was no need to continue this.

"I have no idea what Gabe is doing, in case if you were going to be aksing about this. I think that he might just sort of be off doing his own thing, and I think that if you were to try and get him to tell you this stuff, he would probably reject you and stuff." Todd said, and then I was seeing the other siblings looking like they were interested in what I was doing now, even the children.

"You better go up there and make some morbid jokes." Henry said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was wondering what the heck I was going to say to him to make him feel different. I was thinking that if I was going to be listening to a five year old on this, but I was thinking that if I was going to go with his idea of making morbid jokes, I was thinking that maybe the teachers were not going to be super excited to let us do this.

"I will think about it possibly. I mean, I might not be doing it, but I will think about doing it when I get to your turn." I said, and then I was feeling like that was going to be the best that I was going to be able to say to him, and the only thing I could get him to say to make him feel differently now. But then again, he was just showing a bit of himself by doing this now.

"See, you really do not know to get the people to listen to you." He said, and I was seeing him genuinely sounding like he was thinking this was a good idea. That he was just wanting to sort of be able to continue this. But then I was looking at the door, before looking right back at the siblings. Manny had went inside, and was either home or taking a seat, and I did not blame him for this entire thing, given the cold.

"Well, I am really happy that you are all willing to let me have a chance on showing this whole thing off. I mean, I don't know how many of you want to be here, or know what it is going to mean to me, but I appreciate it." I said, and then I was sighing, feeling like I had said my point, and that anything else was just going to be a waste of my time, and theirs as well.

"I think that when we see you up there, and we see you doing what you do best, I think that maybe everything will be worth it at the end. I think that all we needed was to just see you doing your own thing for once." After Todd was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to continue, but did not want to go on in feeling like he had made his voice heard, and did not need to continue beating down the point now.

"Honestly, I am just sort of wishing that Gabe was here. I mean, it might be my business what he is doing. I have no idea what he is up to on a normal basis. But I just sort of wish that he would have been here to sort of listen to me at least trying to go with my plans." After I was saying this to them, I was just feeling like the entire point was going to be all for not, and that I just needed to fucking stop with this whole thing.

"Well, maybe next time something like this comes up, you can tell him what the issue is, and he might be willing to listen to you. I mean, if he knows that you really care about this, then I think that I will try to get him to go along." After Josiah said that to me, I was seeing him slightly playing some small notes on his guitar, just trying to find something to make himself feel like he would change the subject, to make it seem a bit less strange for him, and not like I was just getting into a rough story.

"I know that I need to be patient with him though. I will see how it could be like." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to sort of find a way to say something else. I was thinking that maybe I needed to cut him some slack, since usually he was the nicest of the siblings, and that I needed to think about where this was coming from, and that if he needed to flake out on me one fucking time, I needed to try and be able to see where he was coming from at least, and not be making things worse for him.

"I want to see what I can do to change the perception people have of me. I mean, I want to go up there, and I want to finally make a difference in peoples impression of me. When I do that, then I think that I can start to be calling myself at least moderately successful." I said, and then I was thinking about what I was saying, and the fact that I was getting myself into something that was going to be opening up a fucking urn of emotions.

"Well, I think that I am going to be going in right now, and I am going to just see what I can do to get the people there to see what I am trying to accomplish." I said, and then after I had said that, I was still thinking of the fact that my siblings went out of their way to go on and see me and be there to support me, and make me feel better for what was going on. The whole thing was changing how I felt on all of this.

I was feeling like I just needed to get this whole thing over with. I was getting to the door, but Lydia was coming up to me, and she was looking like she had wanted to say something to me to make me feel better about what I was going to do now. "Hey Seth, before you go in, I was wanting to let you know something. This might be making you feel better." After she was saying this to me, I was seeing her sort of looking like she was just wanting to tell me something, and I was feeling like I just needed to hear what she had wanted to say, and get this whole thing over with.

"I am proud of the fact that you have the courage to go up there and present the stuff you are enjoying to others. I feel like this is going to show how far you have come with your work." After she was saying that to me, I was seeing her genuinely looking like she was meaning what she had been saying, and I was feeling like I just needed to go on and see what she was going to wish to say now to change it all.

"It is that if I do not do that, then I am going to feel bad for not going up there, and at least trying. I feel like at least trying is the most important thing that I can fucking do. It will make me feel like I can sort of show the people what I have been working on, and show them that I wanted to make it all better for us." After I had said that, I was thinking of what else to be saying. Since I had no idea where this was going to be going.

"Good luck when you are up there. You are going to need it. We will be sitting at the back, making sure that you always know that somebody is going to be there to make you feel better in case if you needed it." After she had said that to me, I was then sighing, feeling like I just needed to find something else to say to keep it better for myself. I was nodding, and going right inside of the school, wondering what I was going to be doing now, and what I was needing to get going iwth my material here.

Once inside of the building, I was taking a long and deep breath, sort of unsure of what I was going to do now. I was seeing that there was a man in black standing behind a box, and he was writing something down on a piece of paper. When he had seen me, I saw him looking at me for several moments, as if he was wondering what he was going to be able to do to make me understand what was going to happen now.

I did not need to wait for too long when the guy was coming to me. After he was right in front of me, I was seeing him glancing right down, wishing to find something that could make me know that I was going to be getting myself into something big if I was not careful with myself right now. "We know what your older siblings are up to, and I was wondering if you could be able to help me out with my investigations." After he was saying this to me, and I was just looking at him feeling like I needed to find something to make this whole thing work differently.

"I have no idea what you are talking about. And even if I did know, I would not tell you. For as many faults that they each have, they are still members of my family." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and then he was looking like he was just wanting to find something to tell me, but that he was going to need to find a way to be polite on this whole thing to make me feel unsure of what I was doing right now.

I mean, even if I hated what Gabe was doing, and even if I had to be stupid to even pretend like there was no connection between him being out and this guy, I was feeling like I just needed to keep him out of this. I needed to accept the fact that my family wasoff doing things differently than me, and being like this was the only way that I could sort of show that I had accepted that whole thing, and that I was going to be a man about it.

"This is very important. You might not see the value to what we are looking into right now, but I think that there are some great secrets that he owes you the right to know the truth of." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more to me. But then I was seeing that the show was going to be starting soon. I was going to start to wlak there, but then he was placing his hand on my shoulder.

Now that I was having him do this, I was genuinely scared of what I was going to be setting myself up for. I was then feeling like I just needed to keep my calm and composure. To at least pretend like I was not going to be phased by what this man was going to be doing to me now.

"Listen to me. You are a child. I am your superior in every single way possible. You are going to have to listen to me when I tell you that I am not going to be letting you play around with me, and act like you can just brush us all off. This is the biggest thing you could be doing with your life, and you are letting blood loyalty get in the way." After he had told me this, and I was shaking my head at what this guy was doing.

"I can't be doing this with you right now. I have a comedy show coming up really soon, and I am going to need to be getting ready. I mean, you might be thinking that I am willing to sort of go off and do my own thing right now, but this is not the case right now." I said, and I was seeing him looking like he was just ready to fucking sock me across the fucking face for trying to fight with him on this whole thing, and that I knew that this was the worst thing I can be dealing with now.

"If you go up there, then everything you will have been doing will be compromising the safety and life of your family. Do you think that this is going to be worth it in the long run?" After he had asked me this, I was seeing him looking at me, as if genuinely looking like he was wanting to find something else to me to make me get it in my head that this was the worst path that I could be going on with this whole thing.

"This is just a fucking show. You knowthat it is not going to be that big of a deal. I am just going to be doing what I want. if you really care so much, then maybe we can talk about what to do later." I said, and I was trying my best to be sounding like I could be diplomatic with this whole thing. I was wanting to make him see that I was willing to at least work with him sort of, as long as my family was still safe. But that I was just valuing the family first.

"One of these days, I would wish that you can see what we are trying to accomplish, and you will be willing to see that we want nothing more than the best for you all." After the man was saying this, I knew that he was totally just saying that to let my guard down, but that I was not going to be letting him do this. I would not fall for it. And then I was walking to the main set up room, feeling like if I was focused on the show, I could finally make people see that I was ready for the act.

...

-Dec 10 1993 9:30 pm- I was standing up at the stage, and then I was taking a long and deep breath, feeling like I just needed to find something to possibly say to get the people interested in what I was saying, rather than only be focusing on the performance that Josiah had just put up. He needed to not be so fucking good. When he was so good, it would make me feel like a fucking loser now, and then I was just telling myself to get over it and try my best.

I was thinking that the best thing to do was just sort of speak right my mind, and see what they were going to be saying. "Well, I have a lot of stuff that I personally witnessed, but never really had a lot of involvement with. I mean, when you have so many siblings, there is always going to be something going on at a house, and that there is never a truly quiet moment." I was saying, feeling like I just needed to find more to say.

"Well, I remember a few days ago when my younger sister was telling me a story about when she was watching one of our siblings with her oldest brother Todd. He was pretty much doing his own thing, but he was honestly probably just a bit bored, and just needed something to spice up the day a bit more." I said, and then I was glancing at Lydia and Todd, and I was slowly winking at them. For the time being, they were both looking like I was not pissing them off yet.

"So with that, Lydia was just watching the kid, and minding her own business when Todd decided that he was going to be making the day more interesting, so he was getting up and went right to his bedroom to grab something from there, and after a couple of minutes he had come back, and then he was holding a thing of weed." I said, and then I was seeing Todd looking like he was a bit worried where I was going to go, but that he was wishing to let me have a chnace at least, and that he was going to be leaving me alone for a while longer.

"He started to smoke it, and he was on top of the world when he was doing this, sort of just having the moment, and letting it take him away. He was getting more and more high while Lydia was just thinking that he was adapting and showing a different part of who he was, and she did not think that it was going to be a big deal to be leaving him alone here." I said, and then I was looking at them, and I was wondering what the heck Todd would be saying to me after this was done.

"After he was done, he was just crashed out on the couch, and he was pretty much just singing a lullaby to himself, not even aware of what he was doing, and Lydia was just talking about how terribly he had smelled, and that she was wanting to go on and tell him this, but was worried that she would be rude to him, so decided not be too worried on this." I was continuing, wondering what the heck I was going to be saying now, to keep the whole thing more interesting.

"Seriously, when I had heard about this, and what had happened, you could bet that I wished that I would have been there to learn more about it. But they hid the truth, and now I am going to have to be wondering what the heck was going on." I said, and then I was just shrugging, as if making it look like I was not giving a shit about what the heck was going on now. I was then just thinking about what I could be saying next.

"Another time, there was another one of my younger brothers, Henry, who was watching some random horror movie. Does it really matter what the film was? No, it doesn't. The point was that when there was that one scene where a person was killing a couple of the main characters, instead of hiding away like a normal person would, he was just watching intently, and he was making it look like he had wanted to watch more of it." After I was continuing, I was wondering I was feeling like I just needed to come up with something else, and say something that would make them not feel like I was attacking them.

"Honestly, the whole thing with him watching the movie and paying way too much attention to killing people is not the funny part. The funny part was that for like a whole month afterwards, he was always going around to us, and he was pretending like we were targets of his scheme, and he would go around, and pretend to kill us and that we were so happy with the fact that he was having any form of imagination, that we basically let him have it for a while longer." I said, and then I was just thinking that maybe I did not need to think on this a while longer.

"I mean, for a couple of days, I was wondering if we were going to be seeing one of my siblings just gone or something like that. I mean, as awful it would be to witness this, the idea and fear of having that in my mind is now funny as hell, and I think that maybe there is something to be finding amusing about the idea." I said, and then I was feeling like I had made my point with that idea, and needed to find something else now.

"Another time, maybe not as exciting as the ones I mentioned earlier, was the one time when my older brother Josiah was always trying to be sounding like the best music artist in the family. So what he would do every night was stay up all night long playing music, and just praticing. Since I live in the same room as he does, I had to deal with him on a constant basis. I remember the one time when I was so tired of what he was doing that I actually got up and hit him in the face with a pillow." I was sighing, looking right at Josiah, and I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to say something to make me feeling annoyed with this.

I was then thinking of what else I could be saying. I had no idea what the heck I was going to be saying, since I had felt like I was going to need to find a way to either continue that story, or just find something else to say. "He was annoyed with me, and he was grabbing the pillow, and then we went into a pillow fight for like a couple of minutes. I ended up winning because I hit him right in the eye, and that ended up really hurting his eye, and he could not see out of it for like a week."

After I had finished saying that, I was seeing Jack looking right at Josiah, as if wondering why he was lying about how he ende dup getting that black eye, and why he did not just saying that he ended up getting his ass handed to him during a pillow fight. But to be honest, I did not want people to be thinking that way. All that happened was that he ended up letting his guard slightly down now, and I did not want to place him on pressure.

Then with that, I was just thinking about what I could be able to say to make a difference in the grand scheme of things. Then I was thinking about another joke that I had made. "One time my youngr brother Jack was trying to play some basket ball outside, and he was wanting to get on a sports team last year, and was trying to train for it. He then threw the ball and missed the hoop so bad that it ended up hitting the wall of the car, and then the ball went through the window of the car in front of the house, and we had to rapair our car window now." I said, and then I was laughing at that, feeling that was a perfect one.

"Honestly, he was so ashamed of what had happened, and could not handle what he did that both mom and dad just decided to let the guilt be the thing that was considered enough of a punishment. Lesson of the day was that we always need to park the car away from the house, and at the curb near the sidewalk. The extra ten seconds of walking is worth not breaking the car again." I said, wondering what the heck I was going to be doing now.

"One time the twins flooded the bath tub because they were trying to take a bath, and this was their first time not having any adults next to them, that they did not not know when or how to stop the water. After they had realized what had happened, they were so scared of what was going on that they ended up lying and saying that it was clogged." I was saying, wondering what the twins were going to be feeling with me mentioning that, and if they were going to be giving me death glares, or admit that maybe that was something they needed to be prepared for when I was up here.

"I was laughing my fucking ass off when I was seeing this. Of course it was the funniest thing that I had ever seen. But my parents did not really find it as such. They were furious at the whole situation, and I think that the fury kind of ruined the whole moment." I was shrugging, trying to find something else to say. I was thinking that maybe I just needed to find something else to keep the whole thing going. But I had noticed that I only had one minute left of the show, and that I needed to wrap up soon.

"So one time I ended up walking into our parents having sex. They thought that everybody was out of the house, or asleep in their baby naps. But I was in the house after doing something at school that day. I did not see some specific groceries at the house, so I ended up going to their room to try and tell them what we were missing, and then there I was, watching them fuck like crazy. I was horrofied at what I had witnessed, but did not know what to be saying and just walked away. I know how basic anatomy works a little too well now." I laughed, and then I was just thinking of something else I could say, and I was seeing all of my siblings looked terrified that I had said that to them.

"Well, I was not really knowing what was going on. But when I learned that nine months later, the second youngest sibling would be born, I was really smart and able to figure it out right away. Let's just say that I was not quite expecting to get a literal sneak peak of the second to last sibling out of the bunch. And that is all I can talk about before I run out of time." I said, and dropped the mic, and walked off the stage and was getting ready to grab my stuff to go home later.

Once I was inside of the room where the preparations were, that was when I was seeing that guy again. I was looking away, trying to pretend like I did not see him, and that I was feeling like as long as I did something like that, I might be able to pretend like this was not a issue, and as a result, I would be able to get him away from here once and for all.

I was seeing him coming towards me though. There was no way in hell that I was going to be getting him away from me. I knew that I just needed to talk with him, and see what he was wanting to bother me with this time, and then afterwards, I would be able to go away, and then I was going to be able to sort of just pretend like I would not be having to deal with him, and be on my way.

"Hello, what are you doing trying to get away from me. We were supposed to be having a lot of things that we need to discuss, and I would really appreciate it if you turn around and talk with me, and see where I am coming from." After he had told me that, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to say something else. Something to get me to fucking look at him, and not be getting him to feel like I was bitch.

"Listen, I do not want to be doing any business with you, and if you are trying to do something that will bring my brother down, I am not really in the mood to be doing something like that. I would really appreciate it if you did not even trying to go on and make me change my mind on this." After I had said that to him, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted me to say something else, but did not know where I would go with that now.

"You need to at least give me a chance to explain. I think that you would be willing to sacrifice your brothers benefits if it meant keeping the rest of your family safe." After he had said that to me, I was looking at him, and I was clearly going to try and show him that I was in no mood to be having him do this to me. So I walked to him, ready tomake my point very clear to him.

"We will not debate this right now. I have made my mind. I will not let any of my siblings get hurt over what you are telling me. I just got out of the best day of my life, and you are going to be getting in my way, and trying to ruin it all because you want to bring down my brother for no fucking reason." I said, and pushed him off, really not wanting to be dealing with him at all, and I was sick and tired of him already.

"How would you feel about the fact that you know that if something were to happen to them, it would be all your fault? It would be out of you being selfish, and not wanting to look at the bigger picture. Do you think that you can be able to see the logic of where I am coming from if you actually tried?" After he had asked me this, I was really wanting him to fucking stop, and I would leave him, and then he would be gone forever.

"Honestly, nothing you say will make me change my mind. I already know what I am going to be doing, and you will have to get the fuck over it, and not be making a huge deal out of this." I said, and then I was ready to be leaving this alone. I was feeling like I was being enough of a firm man with what I had been saying, and that soon enough, he was going to be leaving me alone, and not getting in my business on this anymore.

"I was hoping that maybe you would have been able to see it my way. But it seems like you are never going to get it. I guess that I might be able to get you to see it eventually though." He was saying this to me, and I was just starting to walk off, not really in the mood to listen to him anymore. He was already making his point, and I was really fucking over it all by this point in time.

"I will not change what I am feeling. I have too much to be losing by doing this. I have a family that I live with. I love my family, even if you do not get it. I will do everything to make sure that they are happy, and that they are safe." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering if he was going to be getting it in his head after this. Eventually, I was leaving the concert hall, and I was feeling like once I was with my family again, I was going to be having a whole nother battle to be dealing with on them.

Eventually, when I was out of the room, I was feeling so much better, and I was feeling like I could have been able to just sort of put it all behind me. I was sort of wondering when I was going to be getting him out of my mind. I was feeling like I was looking too deeply into this, and that in all honesty, none of this really mattered. I was just sort of milking something out, and that it was really not all that big of a deal, and that it was just some fucking strange dude.

I was seeing Todd at his car, and he was looking at me, as if trying to think of something to be saying to sort of break the silence on what he was feeling right now. "So, did you have fun doing all of that? You know, basically making all of us have our really most embarassing moments being leaked?" Todd asked, and I was seeing him clearly looking like he had wanted an answer. I was feeling like when I was seeing him like this, looking genuinely kind of annoyed with me, I was just trying to think of something to say to get myself in a better spot now.

"I just thought that they would have found it amusing. I did not think that it was going to be all that big of a deal." I said, and I was meaning what I had said. I did not think that he would really care when he was hearing where I was coming from. I just wanted to be able to get him to sort of get off my back, since I knew that he was going to be making me regret it all.

Then he was smiling as he was seeing me about to freak out, and then he was laughing. "Don't worry about it. We were honestly all really impressed that you were able to have the courage to do something like that. I mean, I don't really know how you found it in yourself to do it, but in all honesty, I am not too worried about it. Just don't go crazy with it." After he had said that, I was seeing him getting to the driver seat. I was getting in one of only two open spots in the car, and I was wondering what the heck was going to be happening now. I was wondering also what the hell was going on with Gabe, and I had felt like I just needed to try and get him to tell me what he was doing. It was the least that I had deserved after he had left me like this. I was a bit annoyed, but I felt like with an answer, it would be better.

"I just wanted to get up there, and I was wanting to be myself for once. I was truly feeling like when I was up there, and I was not making any issues, I was actually at least making something of a difference that truly mattered." I said, and then I was smiling at the whole thing. Seriously, the only thing that would have made it different was if Gabe was here. I was going to talk to him about it, and maybe when I would say how much it meant to me, he would take it more seriously in the future, and actually support me in my future shows.

"I think once I know what is going on with Gabe, and I know what he is dealing with, I will probably be much more fair to him. I just wish to know what was going on, and them maybe we could have been able to work together, and maybe I can help him fix things up sooner." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just sort of saying something that had no chance of really happening. And that was the thing that was really worrying the shit about me.

"I think that if you were going to try and talk with him, you would be really let down. I think you are just going to have to accept the fact that something like this is not happening." After Todd was saying that, I was hearing some slight amount of anger in his voice, but I was not wanting to be bringing up anything of it, because I did not want him to be saying something like that I had been lying or anything like that.

"I know that it does not really matter. I mean, if he needs to do something more important, then I just sort of need to be getting over it. I think that maybe when I finally get over the fact that one out of the ten siblings did not show up, then I might be able to move on faster. I think that I am just going to have to accept the fact that some people have different things they care about than anything I am doing right now." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to be finding something else to say to make it all work out in the end of the day.

"He's probably just hanging out with friends or something like that. I would not be thinking too deeply to this whole thing if I were true. I think that maybe if I were to try and explain he is doing, I would probably be coming up with so many false answers that I would only be making things worse for us." After Josiah was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to be saying more. But that he was just too worried to do so in fear of how everybody was going to be taking this right now.

"Of course you are the one who goes out of the way to defend him. I always know that you are a much more tolerant man when it comes to this stuff." I said, and I was genuinely meaning it nicely, but in the moment, as my thoughts were racing at a million miles a fucking hour, I knew that any idea of me thinking calmly, and rationally here, was going to be going out the fucking window, and I was feeling like maybe I just needed to treat him better in most cases.

"Either way, I know that it is not going to make a difference. I feel like I am just going to be on my own, and I feel like I am going to have to enjoy the show that I am going to work on." I was saying, and with time, I was getting more worried that something was going on with him, and even if it annoyed me, I was just wanting to make sure nothing happened to him.

Chapter Text

-Jack's POV Dec 11 1993 4:15 pm- I was outside of the school, and despite the fact that it was not as big of a deal to me as it was to Seth, I was genuinely wondering what the hell was going on with Gabe, and why he was not just telling me the fucking truth. I mean, I truly felt like in a way, he had been lying to us for something, and I was just wanting to see if it was a good reason, or just something that he was not wanting to do for the sake of glory or something like that.

I was feeling like he just needed to tell us what he was doing, and even if I could not be able to help out, the others could be able to make a difference, and I might be able to make this whole thing actually work out. I was feeling like maybe he could talk to the other older siblings, and actually make him feel like there was officially an option to make this whole thing actually have some chance to work out in the end of the day.

I had felt like maybe he was going to one day see how much the people around him in the family did care for him. If they knew something like that, and they were able to sort of show him how much they would want to make a genuine difference in his life, then I think he would be able to finally make it all work out in the better. I was just feeling like he would make things actually better for us, but he needed to have a crew with him.

I was thinking that it was not going to be any of my business, and that I just needed to be getting it all go, and that I just needed to be letting him do whatever he had wanted. Whatever he had needed, and as long as I would leave him alone, he would be feeling like he was going to have something to sort of make it all feel like he knew that he was doing the right thing. Which I always wanted him to do. I always wanted to make him feel like he was doing the right thing, to matter what the case to get that could have been.

I had always felt like he was a good guy, and I knew that even if I was slightly annoyed with what he was doing, I knew that he was going to sort of be on the right path. I knew that I was going to be able to sort of put that as a form of consolation when I think about all that he had been trying to do, and I knew that I just needed to get over it, and stop acting like he had anything to owe me. In all honesty, he did not, and I knew that damn well, no matter how much I may have wished to make it not like this.

When I was sort of thinking about how I just needed to get over it, I was sighing, feeling like that would have been the best option to go with, and I was just telling myself to be focused on the things that I knew that I was going to be able to make a difference on. I was going to be able to make a difference on my sport standings, and I knew that the sports were much more important than anything else in the world.

I was then feeling like no matter where this was going to be going, I knew that I just was going to be sort of needing to make peace with whatever the hell my brother was up to, and once I finally admitted that this was none of my business, then I was going to be sort of able to get over it. I was needing to just focus on the school life that I was so needing to make better. The school life that I had hated, and wished badly would have had a chnace of changing, and improving for the better.

With that, I was thinking about maybe making some friends. I mean, I had some people that I was fine with at the school, and some people who seemed to be willing to hang out with me, so I was having something to go on with. But for fucks sake, I just wanted to make the time here be better, and then I could be able to focus on sort of not dealing with whatever the hell Gabe was dealing with, as in all honesty, that was not the most important thing in my life.

I was sort of unsure on what the heck I even had ahead of me. I was standing up, and I was just going to be trying to go on and get into the sports team. That was something that I had wished to be getting into for such a long time, and I knew that this was the main focus, and the only thing that was important. I was standing up, and I was feeling like I just needed to go on and find my friends and make them happier. My family would want me to be happier, and doing something good, so I needed to do it.

As I thought about my family, and thought about Seth's performance yesterday, and how much they were able to change his attitude, and make him feel so much better about something as simple as this, I had felt like I just needed to sort of go along with what was happening, and I just needed to actually take his example, and be able to go far with it, as that would be something that I knew I could be able to sort of make an answer out of here. But I just kind of hated whatever was going to be coming along in the long run now.

I was about to head out of the school, as I was slowly letting the fear of getting onto the team get to me once again, and let the fear decide for me that I was probably not going to be ready to do such a thing. I fucking hated it, and I was not going to be letting anybody make fun of me for going up there, and making it look like I was a fucking loser or anything like that. I just felt like I needed to focus on the idea of what it would be like to do it next year.

I was always telling myself to just do it next year. You know, one more year, then I would try it again. That was the main thing that I was always telling myself. That one more year would not kill me. That I would actually be in a better spot if I just waited one more year, and then everything would have been fine. I knew that this was going to be a long road, and I was kind of tired of it all. I knew that soon enough, I would have waited too long, an dcould not join the team at all since it would already be senior year.

I would honestly fucking hate doing something like that. I would hate getting this idea that one more year would be the answer, and then never get on the team just because of some bullshit excuse, that even I knew was just a lie. An excuse that was not going to be sticking out, and most people would probably be able to call me out on, and show me that I was just saying this to sort of get him away from me. But I felt like I just needed to look at all of the options now.

Eventually, I was starting to ask myself the question that I knew that I was going to be hating. The question that I knew I never wanted to even be a thing I could consider. What would even be worth it about joining the team? Would this even be worth going after in the long run? Or would this just be something that I was telling myself to make me feel like I was sort of capturing some form of a decent life.

I was hating the way that I was genuinely questioning myself. I was hating the fact that the one thing that I should have just gone for is something that I was not going to ever really go for, because I was honestly telling myself that there was no real reason that what I had felt was mattering. I hated my life. I hated myself as a person, and hated myself as a sibling. because I never would be getting the one thing that truly mattered to my small and idealistic eyes.

As I was near the exit of the school, that was when I was seeing a guy who looked like he was already growing pimples looking like he was too embarassed to be in the area, and not really wanting to talk with anybody at all. I was also seeing him wearing a red shirt. A shirt that represented the fact that he was at least trying out of the team. When I saw that, I knew that I could not respect his wishes at all.

I was going right towards him, and I was going to be asking him a harmless question, and see what he was feeling right now. "Hey, are you on the team or something?" I asked, and the guy was looking right at me, and I was seeing him looking like he was not really excited to be speaking with me. But he was probably thinking that in a way, he was not really going to be having much of a choice when discoursing with me.

"Yeah, I am trying to get on the team. I am not that good though. I think that if I were to try and get on the team, I would be the worst applicant to be placing himself forward." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking angry at me, and I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to find something else to say. But he was clearly looking like he had no idea what he was going to be getting out of me.

"Don't worry about it too much right now. I think that the coach will at least be nice about letting you down." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was wanting me to not even dare to say something like this. As if he was feeling like I was only making things worse by openly admitting that there was a chance that they were going to just flat out tell him no. Like he was wishing that he would leave the fear out of his mind for a moment.

"I know that he will be. I don't want to be thinking about it though. I want to at least try and see what it is like first. I think that it is the best that I can do. I just want to get on the team, or at least be able to give it my best effort." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him fucking pissed. He was clearly looking like he was wanting to find something else to be talking about. Or to get me away from me, and to get me to understand that I was not wanting to speak with him in a way. But then I was just thinking about leaving alone, and maybe talking with him for a bit after school was over in the next couple of days.

...

-Dec 11 1993 6:40 pm- Once I was home, I was feeling like I just needed to go on and talk with Gabe or something. I was feeling like he might have been able to view me as young enough to be willing to just tell me what was going on, and think that I was not going to be making things any worse for him or anything likle that. But I truly had no idea how I was going to get him to think it was a good idea to branch out in a way.

I was inside of my house, and I was just looking right at his room, and I was feeling like once I would ask him what was happening, I was feeling like I would just go to see him, see what he was going to have to say, and then I would just leave him alone and be off doing his won thing, since I did not want to be making things worse for him, and I did not want him to be feeling like any trust with us was going to be gone now.

I was heading to the room, but the only one there was Todd, who was looking like he was getting ready to be heading on out, and I was feeling like maybe I could steal enough of his time where he would be able to give me some answers on what the heck was going on, and then see if maybe we could even be able to work together to make it all work out as best as we could.

"Do you know what is going on with Gabe? I mean, he seems to always be doing his own thing, and I feel like maybe he is hiding something from us." After I was saying this to Todd, I saw him looking like he was wishing to find something to say to sort of show how much he was agreeing with me, but he was clearly looking like he was not really wanting to be looking into this too deeply.

"I wish that I could go on and make him tell me what is going on. I mean, he is my younger brother, and I am worried that he is going to be getting himself in danger. But I guess that this is something that will not really be crossing his mind. Almost like he does not give a single shit about any of us." After Todd was saying this, I was seeing him looking more and more uncertain of what he was going to be telling me here.

"I mean, when I see that he is always doing something on his own, and he seems to not really care what we are worried about, I feel like he is just going to be doing something even worse. Something that is only going to be bringing him all down in the long run." After Todd was telling me that, I was seeing him just looking like he was wanting to say more to all of this.

"I think he is just sort of doing something that he will want to do. I mean, it would not bother me so much if he would actually at least just tell us what is going on. If he were to be doing that, then I would be willing to leave the subject alone." After I was telling him that, he was looking right at me, as if feeling like it could never be that easy for him, and that he was almost sad at this fact, and that he needed to just wish that it was that simple for him.

"I mean, if I was going to be able to brush this off as easily as you, I would be a terrible older brother. But it would be so much easier than anything else that is going on." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him just wanting to speak further on the matter. But at the same time, he was clearly looking as if he was not even wanting to remotely consider any of this too much longer. As if it was just going to be hurting him more with each sentence.

"I think that I am going to just have to accept what is happening. I don't know. I care too much for my own good." After he was telling me this, he was looking like he was over the subject, and for both of our sakes, I did not even want to be thinking about something like this at all. I felt like I just needed to at least find something to be saying to make him feel differently on the entire thing. But I did not know what I was doing.

"How are you doing? I think that if I talk about that right now, I would be in a much better mood, and I would not be angry at myself or anybody else over this whole thing." After he was saying this to me, I was sighing, thinking about what he had asked me, and how I was going to be making it all work out in the long run. I was just thinking about the fact that I was going to be looking like a fucking failure compared to my other siblings.

"I am trying to get into the sports team. I think that I might enjoy something like this. But it would be a nightmare to go on through this. I would hate going up there, and then trying my best, and being not good enough to join the team because everybody else is better than me." I said, shaking my head, wondering what the heck I was even going to be saying to him. I was feeling like he was going to try and find something to say to make me feel better. But to be honest, I was not really in the mood for it at all.

"Well, I think that if you do not at least try to go out there, and you do not see what you can be able to handle, then I think you will never be able to see what you can handle. I think that you are just going to need to go out there, and find something to do to make it all feel better and more worth it. Just try to go out, and try to capture the moment." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to find something else to say. But had no idea what the heck to do now.

"I know that what you are saying is probably true. I just wish that I could be able to have the courage to make an impression as you guys did, or hell like what even Seth was able to do. I mean, even with everything he said up there, and how much he probably made us all feel a bit insecure about what he was presenting, at least he had the balls to be going up there. At least he was not going to be letting anybody tell him off. I wish that I was able to be like that. I wish that I was able to actually be courageous enough to actually show people how much I cared about this." I said, and I was seeing Todd looking at me, as if shocked to hear me admit something like this.

But once he had rebounded from the moment, and was sort of getting over the shock of it all, he was looking right at me, and then he was feeling like he just needed to say something to make me feel differently on this whole thing. "Honestly, I just wish that I could comprehend the fact that you are admitting to not being as out there as Seth. But now that I am kind of through with that, I think that maybe we could be able to talk for a bit about this. And I can try to offer you some helpful words to make you feel at least sort of better about this all." After Todd was telling me this, I was seeing him sitting down, looking like he was wanting to do this, and was patting me down to sit next to him on the bed. I followed without hesitation.

"Jack, you're only nine years old. You have so much ahead of you. There is no need to worry about something like this at all. You just need to go out there, and you need to take the chance. I mean, I know you want to make the team. I know how much you care about doing this. I think you need to at least give it your best chance." He said, looking at me, and I could tell from the way he was looking at me, that he was being genuine about what he had told me.

"I know that it is going to be the one thing that I never wanted to go out there and deal with. Stage fright, that is. I thought that I would be able to go out there, and just fucking take the moment. But now that I think about the way that I would finally going go on and show people what I want to do, I just feel a bit lost on this right now." I said, and then I was looking at him, wondering what the heck he was going to be telling me now.

"Well, I think that maybe you are just too worried about something that is a decently valid fear. But it is still just a fear nonetheless. I think you need to be happy with the fact that you know that you want to be going out there, and that you want to make a big impression to your class. I think that something like this is the most important thing that you can be doing." After Todd told me that, I was seeing him smiling at me, as if feeling like what he was saying was too nice for me to be passing up. Maybe deep down, he was right, and that he was just sort of wanting to be seeing me looking better about all that we were dealing with at that moment.

"I mean, what you are saying is probably you just trying to make me feel better. I appreciate the fact that you want to do something like that. But I will be honest with you. I need to leave me alone. I want to be happy with my friends, and my family. I want to make some good impressions. I mean, I met somebody today, and he seems to be sort of in the same spot as me." I said, and then he was looking right at me, as if very interested in knowing who this kid was, and how I would be able to get to know them.

"Do you think that you will try and get to know them better? Or do you believe that he is not going to really like to be hanging out with you or anything like that?" He was asking me, and I was seeing him looking like he was genuinely interested in knowing what I believed, and he was wanting to find a way to be able to break through to me, and sort of at least see how he was going to figure out if he would help out in the first place.

"I think that I need to at least try. I think that doing something like that might be able to get him to feel like I am not a total loser. And that maybe he might be able to connect with somebody, and that I could connect with him as well. I think that it is the best that I can fucking do." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to see him actually looking like he was sort of aware of how I was feeling, since he was my age once.

"See, you are knowing what is important. When you are going out there, just remember to be going nice and slow with him. Remember that there is a chance that he might not have had a friend as well. I think that maybe you just need to go slow and easy, and see what he is like, and then over time, things will be fine." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was truly willing to at least let me give this a shot, and not be just acting like it did not matter at all.

"I will have to see what happens. I don't really know what to be feeling right now. I mean, I feel like at least trying is the most important thing that somebody can do. But I have no fucking idea what the heck is going on, and I just want to make it seem like I am not going to be making things much worse for him or anything like that. I feel like it is the least that he deserves, and the only thing that I feel like actually matters." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to find something to make this whole thing seem better and less of an issue.

"Well, I hope that you end up having a friend out of this. I mean, if even Seth has somebody who is willing to talk with him, and get to know him a bit more, then I think that you have more than every reason to believe that this is going to work." After Todd was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he had truly believed in what he was saying, and not making it much worse. I was just seeing him looking like he was still unsure of how to feel about the fact that somebody was talking with Seth.

"I guess that you might be right. I mean, he was always looking like somebody who might have never been able to go out and do something like that. But when he started to have somebody who was willing to hang out with him, I guess that maybe anybody could be able to make things work out." After I was saying this, I was looking right at him, wondering what the heck he was going to be saying now. Or if he was going to be leaving the subject alone for the time being.

"Well, I will be leaving you alone now. I mean, you are off just trying to make something work with friendships, and I think that I should leave you alone for the time being." Todd said, and then I was feeling like I was not going to feel satisfied, not knowing the truth with Gabe quite yet.

...

-Dec 11 1993 11:00 pm- I was seeing Gabe coming home that night, and when I was seeing him coming in, I was seeing that he was clearly looking tired, and that he was not really wanting to do anything at all. I felt like maybe I just needed to go on and see what he was going to be saying to me. If he had seen me there, and I was feeling like I just needed to sort of make it look like I was not going to be pushing him too hard or anything like that.

I was looking right at him, and I felt like I just needed to take a chance, and see what he would be saying if I were to try and reach out to him, and see how he was doing. "Hey Gabe, how are you doing right now?" I asked, and I was trying to be making it look like I was not really pressing him for anything. But the way that he was looking at me made it very clear that he was not really going to be falling for this right now, and that he would wish I would not do this.

"I am doing alright. You do not need to worry about me right now. I am just sort of needing to do something right now. Don't have a lot of time to mess around." After he had said that to me, I was a bit annoyed with the fact that he wasn't even pretending to be nice or anything. He was pretty much just telling me that he had no good reason to be talking with me, and that this was almost going to just be a waste of his time.

"But I was worried if you were being safe or not. Considering everything that you have been doing, I just felt like I might have needed to go on and see if you were holding up well or anything." I said, and I was meaning what I had said. But I did not know if he was going to be buying it, or if he was going to just be telling me not to waste my time on this right now.

"I am being fine. You truly do not need to be worried about me. I am feeling like you need to stop being worried about me. I am doing just alright and I think that even if I were to try and talk with people, they would not buy it at all." Gabe was telling me, and I was feeling like I was going to be wishing for him to be trying me, and see if perhaps he was going to be wrong about his impression he was making of me here.

"But I know that you have been doing a lot of stuff right now, and I just kind of worried about it is all. I was kind of just wondering if you needed some help with everything." I said, and then he was looking at me, and I was seeing him clearly looking like he was just feeling a bit bad for me, and was wishing to be giving me some pity to what I was trying to accomplish.

"Look, I appreciate the fact that you are showing some care for me, and that you want to be helping me out right now. But in all honesty, I am going to be alright. I am sort of just needing to be doing some stuff right now, and it is very important to work on this alone. Even if I wanted to get you guys into this, I can't do something that will compromise the integrity of what I am trying to accomplish." Gabe said bluntly, and I was seeing him looking sort of tired of this subject and just wanted to be leaving me alone, or me leaving him alone more exactly.

"What is more important than telling is what is happening? I mean, this makes no sense. I just think that we all deserve something better than what you are telling us. I think most of us would be fine with whatever you are doing if we just knew." I said, and I was wanting to make him feel differently on this, but he was clearly not looking too sure what to say now.

"Jack, I think you are too young to know what is at stake. I think that you are just going to have to accept that, and not be rude as hell with me. I feel like if I needed to tell you what was going on, I would do it by now. But I need to just focus on what I can do on my own. I think that this is the only thing that I can actually do right." He said, and then I was seeing him looking at me, as if sort of showing me that he was desperately wanting me to actually see where he was comung from. or at least pretend like I did.

"You should at least tell Todd. I mean, he's the oldest. He is probably very worried about you right now." I said, and then he was looking at me, as if finding what I had told him to be rather funny, and like he was clearly thinking of how he was going to be breaking the joke to me.

But he was sad, and let me go. I was seeing that maybe I might have made a giant mistake with saying that to him, and that I should have tried to find something better to tell him, that would have made him feel like I was making less of a joke, and a more genuine suggestion. But as it was, he was not going to be having any of it, and I was wondering what the issue really was here. What he was trying to be hiding from me.

"I think that maybe when you understand what it is like to be hiding something from older siblings, to be making sure that they are not the ones who have to suffer, you would be able to get it. I think you would be able to sort of understand what I am trying to do, and you would be willing to start to see that this is more complicated than you might believe." Gabe said to me, and I was seeing him looking honestly sad that at fact, thinking about how great it would be if he and Todd got along or something.

I genuinely wondered if there was something that they were lying to us about. I was feeling like there was no real reason for Gabe to be feeling this way under a normal situation. I was wondering if Gabe or Todd had done something really bad to piss the other one off really badly. But I decided that it was none of my business, and that I just needed to be leaving it alone.

"But seriously, I really do need to be heading to my room. If you want to maybe talk more sometime, I would be willing to do this. But not about what we were discussing just now. I think that if I were to try and tell you about this, you would be sort of wondering what was wrong with me. And then you would hate me more than anything else in the world." After Gabe had told me that, I was seeing him heading to his room, and I was feeling like there was so much that I would be able to learn, and needed to know to be able to help him out here.

But I decided that I needed to be leaving him alone. I was feeling like maybe I just needed to try and at least pretend like I knew what was going on with him, and not be making him feel like I was attacking him for anything that was going on. I felt like it was the least that I could be able to do in the moment.

...

-Dec 12 1993 12:55 am- I was walking along, sort of wondering what the heck I was even going to be doing now, to sort of make this whole thing not seem very forced onto them or anything like that. I was seeing that as I was about to go to bed, to take advantage of every moment that I had with my week end, that Gabe was going to be doing something right now, and when I was seeing this, I was feeling like this was my chance to be able to find out the truth, and get the answers that I had needed.

As I was seeing this, and I was feeling like I finally had a chance to be able to keep all of the answers together, I was feeling like I just needed to fucking see what Gabe was doing, and then be able to sort of put the answers behind me once and for all. That was the only thing that I had fucking needed. Was to just know what the heck my older brother was hiding, and finally put it behind me once and for all.

When I was finally coming up with the answer, I was heading on right towards where he was, but doing it quiet and far away enough to where he was not going to be seeing what I was doing, and I could get away with what I had been doing, and make it seem like what I was doing was actually smart. Which even I knew deep down it was not. But him keeping us in the dark was not smart as well.

I was going right out of the house, and when Gabe was out of the house, I was seeing him taking out a cigarette, and then he was starting to smoke it for a moment. When I was seeing this, I will admit I was kind of feeling let down. This whole build up, and trying to figure out what was going on, and then it turns out that what he was hiding was just simply the fact that he was liking to smoke cigarettes. I was wishing that he was off doing something worse. Since doing something bigger would have been a bit more interesting.

I was then seeing him walking along longer, and when I was seeing him doing this, I knew that I just needed to fucking see what was going on, and see what the heck he was going to be doing. I was feeling like the answers that I was wanting to know where going to be by following him. So with that, I was just going to be following, and seeing what the hell was even happening, just to finally get the answer.

I was walking for a bit, and after he was leaving the street, and going on longer, I was feeling like maybe this might not have been worth it, but I decided that I was not going to be letting this go. I was feeling like I was finally having an answer, and I was feeling like I just needed to find a way to know what the heck was happening, and see if there was a certain truth to all of this stuff.

I was seeing him walking for a couple of blocks, and when he was doing this, I was seeing him sort of looking around, to make sure that nothing was going on, and that he was being hidden. He was far enough away from me to not see that it was me, but still close enough to know that somebody was in the area. I could tell this because of the way that he was suddenly looking utterly terrified. I knew that whatever was going on, this was going to be the answer that I had needed here.

He was stopping, and he was looking worried. So fucking worried that somebody knew that what he was doing that he was just pretty much shaking at the spot for a few seconds. Then I was seeing him sort of looking like he was just trying to be keeping himself composed. To make it look like he was scared of what he was doing. I was seeing him looking like he was finally just wishing to sort of change his way of going at this.

I was then feeling like I just needed to walk away a couple of steps, or hide myself, and then be able to sort of enable him to keep going for a while longer. You know, to make sure that I could be able to get his guard down even further, and then everything was going to be fine. I had felt like this was all that I had fucking needed in the long run. Then he was walking to the phone booth that was near by, and I was clearly able to tell that he was going to make a call here.

I was feeling like maybe when I would see what he was wanting to talk to this person about, I was feeling like I just needed to finally get the fucking answers, and then be able to put it all behind me. I was seeing him going inside of the booth, and then I was getting behind the trees in the area, and was walking behind the tress for several seconds, wondering what I would do if anybody knew what I was going to do, and if Gabe was going to forgive me by doing this.

When I was seeing him looking like he was finally starting to relax a bit, I was feeling like maybe this was going to be my chance to finally get to know what the heck was even going to be happening now. I was seeing him starting to place in a number, and I was taking a long and deep breath, feeling like I just needed to wait for another few seconds, and see what the hell was even going to be. I was trying to see what the hell the number was, but I was sort of putting it all behind me, realizing that this might not have been really worth it at all.

I was then seeing him taking a deep breath, and after a moment, he was sighing, and then he was speaking to the other end of the line, and I knew that all the answers I needed were going to be finally coming together, and that this was all that I needed here. "Hello, I was wishing to speak with you further about the offers that you were making me, and I was hoping that maybe we could be able to come to some form of an understanding with each other to not make this any worse for us." I was confused at this, unsure what he was even meaning now.

"I know that there are a lot of stuff that you were wishing to discuss with me over, but I think that maybe we need to talk about it in a relatively quiet area, and I could be able to present my side of the discussion. I am here to make sure that nothing happens to my family. They are the most important thing to be looking at right now." Gabe was saying, and then he was taking a deep breath, as if the idea of even opening up about something like this was horrorfying.

I was feeling like whatever he was hiding behind our backs now, when I was hearing this, that I was probably not really wanting to know now. I mean, I thought that I did want to know, when I was hearing him sort of talking about this stuff around us, and being very vague. But when I was hearing him discussing stuff like keeping us safe, and not only that, but saying it with utmost sincerity, I was feeling like maybe I did need to accept the fact that this was not something I needed to be getting involved in right now.

After I was starting to come to this conclusion, I was seeing him rub his face a bit, and I was feeling like I just needed to sort of get this whole thing over with. I was seeing him looking like he was clearly over this whole thing, and that there was nothing else that even fucking mattered at all. "Listen, I know that you are clearly on the business end of this, and that you do not care to look at the personal perspective. I know that this might be hard for you to do, but I want you to at least pretend like you were seeing it my way." After Gabe said that, he was then stopping his breath, breathing a moment longer, before he was just sort of clearly looking like he did not want to speak anymore on this either.

"Well, either way, I think that we will both be excited to see each other see, where we could be able to possibly come to an understanding. I think that this is the only thing that we can really do when looking at all of this." After Gabe had said that, he was sighing, feeling like he was just going to be playing with the devil or something like that, and even he was aware of what was going on at this point in time.

"I have not told anybody else about this. I will never tell anybody about this, and I do not feel like they ever really deserve to know. Even if they all really wish to find out what I am doing." Gabe said, and then he was placing the phone back, and waited for a few minutes before a car showed up, and he was wondering if he should go in or not, by running into the woods at the last second.

...

-Dec 12 1993 3:50 pm- I was just planning on maybe going out to the school or something like that, and maybe making some time to be practicing some baskets and stuff. I had felt like this was the best that I could be doing in this whole thing. I was feeling like this was going to be the biggest nightmare in my entire fucking life. But at the same time, I was just feeling like I needed to try my best to be making this whole thing work.

I was feeling fucking fine for once in my entire life. I was feeling like I had a plan to be going with. I was going to pretend like I had no idea what I was seeing Gabe doing last night when I saw him getting in the car. I was seeing him looking unsure of what to be feeling right now, and I was feeling like he was clearly just doing something taht was too far out for me. Something that I did not even want to be taking a risk on anymore. I was feeling like this whole thing was just a bit too far out of my field, and I was feeling like a idiot for even trying this in the first place.

I was just about to reach the house door, and I was seeing my siblings looking like they had wanted to just be doing their own thing, and I was seeing that Josiah was just playing some music, but when he was seeing me, I was seeing him just stop what he was doing a little bit at a time, and then he was standing up, feeling like he was needing to speak to me about what the heck was going on, and what my plans.

"What are you doing today? I mean, I see that you are holding a basketball? Are you planning on breaking the car window again?" After he had asked me this, I was seeing him looking like he was trying to be casual about this. He was really just wanting to make it look like he had nothing to be pressing me on. But he was clearly just wanting to make sure that I was going to be able to find this whole thing to be a bit funny.

"I was planning on maybe going to the school, and practicing a bit, so that way I could be able to get on the team a bit. I really want to make it onto the team, and I just want to actually do something with my time that I am going to be happy with." I said, and then I was seeing Josiah looking like he had thought that was a pretty decent idea, and then I was seeing him looking like he had wished to be finding something to say to me, to get his point across.

"Well, I hope that you actually manage to get some good practice in. I think we would all want that from you. Considering the fact that you have broken everything. But it seems like this is something you care about, so I am going to be leaving you alone for the time being." After Josiah was saying that to me, I was seeing him sort of looking like he was kind of finding this whole thing to be a little bit sad.

"I just don't want to be telling myself to do it next year anymore. Every time that I do that, I am losing another chance, and I do not want that to be the case anymore. I just wost of wish that I knew that I could get on and become the star player on the team. I just think that getting on the team is going to be the most important thing here." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to find something to do to make this conversation feel like it was getting something.

"I think that becoming the star player is going to be a bit harder than normal. But I think that if you actually get good on this whole thing, the maybe you actually might be able to make it onto the team and stuff." After Josiah was telling me this, I was feeling like I just needed to find something to do to make the whole subject feel like it could have gone somewhere. I was just thinking that if I joined the team, I would finally make the best out of this whole thing.

"I was just going to see what it would be like to be on the team. I mean, being on the team, and failing miserably, would still be better than nothing at all. At least with me being on the team, and not doing well, I would be able to say that I sort of knew what was going on, and I knew whta I was going to be able to accomplish. I just feel like this is the best that I can truly do." I said, and then I was shaking my head, hating my whole fucking situation.

I was feeling like I just needed to sort of be happy with what I was in right now. I mean, I had nine brothers, and a sister, who seemed to be supportive of me, and seemed to be grateful for the fact that I have been doing all of this stuff in the first place. The fact that they seemed to be more than willing to actually help me out, as long as I was going to be making the effort to go on through with it all.

I just felt like what was going on was a sign that they knew what was really important to me, and how they were going to be able to sort of make a difference, and to make me feel more welcome on this whole thing. "Hey, thanks for talking with me right now. But I feel like I have to be going through with this whole thing. I think that I just have to be making a good first impression. If I can make a good first impression, then I think that I will be fine with what I am doing once and for all." I said, thinking on what it would have been like to be like this.

I was feeling like maybe I just needed to be leaving the subject, and that I had made my fucking point here. "Well, just don't make a issue out of it. Just show him that you would be willing to make a difference, and show them that you are willing to go above and beyond for the sport, and when they see something like that, I think that they might be able to go on and see what it is like." After Jack had told me this, I was feeling like I would have no idea where the hell to be going on any of this now.

As I was going outside of the house, I was seeing Josiah looking like there was another question that he was planning on asking me right now. "Hey Jack, just make sure that if you get on the team, that you remember to tell us how the games go. I think we would love to know how much progress you are making right now." After he had told me this, I was seeing him looking like he was being sincere on what he had said. I was sighing, thinking about what he had just told me. I was then thinkingthat I just needed to go on home now, and be done with this.

"I will see what I can do to get you guys to be going to the games. I mean, I don't know if it will be the easiest thing in the world to do. But I think that I might as well at least try and see what it could be like. But I think that I will need to at least try and practice now, and that if I spend any more time on this, I will be sort of unable to get any progress done." I said, and I was aware that saying this to him was going to be pissing him off. The fact he was basically told off. But I did not know or care what to say now.

I was then actually out of the house, feeling like I was just needing to get this whole thing over with. Once I was out of the house, I was just feeling a bit unsure of what to be telling my brothers now. I was feeling like they were going to want more from me. But I was feeling like if he was going to be helping me out, he would have gone already. But he was still sort of high on the accomplishment of the fact that he had done so good at the music show.

I was feeling like maybe I just needed to go on and see what I could do to find out what he was doing. How the band worked out, and if they were going to continue working, or if they were going to be sort of rejecting the idea of staying long term. I mean, I had felt like I needed to just find a way to be seeing if he was going to be happier this way. But to be honest, their way of going at this was just going to be a bit confusing.

Once I was starting to walk off towards the school, I was wondering what I would be finding here, and if the people at the school were going to be trying to help me out. Or if they were going to be trying to deal with their own practice. Or if since it was the weekend, if there was even going to be anybody here in the first place. Which I was not going to be too shocked over, as annoying as that can be, but also as quiet and calm.

...

-Dec 12 1993 11:00 pm- I was about ready to be going to bed mainly because of the fact that we had school that next day, and while I had no desire to be going to sleep at the moment, I knew that I had no choice, and I knew that I just had to accept the fact that this was something that I needed to do, and that maybe I could get some more practice there. I mean, I had no idea how well it was going to be working. But I did not even give a single crap at all. I just needed to do something to make this whole thing better for us all.

I was about to open the door to be heading down stairs, when I was seeing Josiah wrapping up his music practice to be going to bed as well. I was seeing him looking around, wondering if anybody was still up, and then when he was doing that, and saw that he could not see anybody, he was looking like he was thinking that it was none of his business anyways, and then he was going down the stairs as well. Just sort of to pretend like this was not a huge deal.

As I was seeing him sort of going inside, I was seeing him just sort of moving on. But at the same time, I was having a feeling that maybe Gabe was going to be doing something again, and that maybe I just needed to pretend like I was going to bed, and then when this was done, I would be able to get up and walk outside and follow him again tonight. And this time, actually not give up, and see what was truly going on.

I was thinking that maybe I could be able to talk with Henry for a bit. I mean, I did not want to admit it. But the one who was in the same room as me probably knew me better than anybody else in the house, and I was feeling like I just needed to suck it up, and at least give him a chance to be able to see if he was able to help me out. Or if maybe he was wanting to help out as well.

I had felt like maybe when I would be getting to see ho he was feeling, and seeing how maybe we could be able to make something come together out of this, I was feeling like it was the best that I could do. I did not care how it was going to be. I just needed to go on and see how things were going to be. I needed to see if perhaps I could get henry to see if I was really wanting to truly see what was going on here, and that this was much more than a simple interest. As much as I hated to admit it, this was a bit of an obsession.

I was becoming focused on this. I was feeling like I just needed to try and see what was going on here. I felt like the answer was more important than anything else, and I had felt like maybe when I would truly see how Henry was taking this, maybe we could be able to unite more, and we would be able make something come together. But despite what I had been feeling right now, there was something else that I was needing to tell him. Something else that I was thinking that he would be able to understand in the long run here.

As I was thinking about helping my brother, and making them know that I was more than willing to be contributing to whatever fight he was going to be in, I had felt like he was going to be finding a way to be telling me off. he was going to be finding a way to just simply, firmly, but also hopefully nicely, show me why this was not a good idea, and explain to me why he was not wanting me to actually get involved with anything like that at all.

I had been worried that maybe if Gabe had found out about what I had been doing, he would have hated me. He would have retroactively made things much worse than I thought that it could have been. I was wanting to help Gabe out right now. I was wishing that maybe I could help him out now. I wanted Gabe to see that I was truly caring about how things were with us and that I would do anything to make him feel better now.

I had no idea what I was going to be trying to accomplish on any of this. Once I was down stairs, I was seeing Henry looking like he was about to be heading to bed. I always hated him being so much younger than me. For the next nine months, he did not need to worry about going to bed at a certain time, since he was not in school yet. But that feeling was going to change the moment he was in Kindergarten, because I would then realize that I was at least four years closer to the end of this nightmare than he was, and that I could get out much quicker.

"What were you doing last night?" Henry asked the moment that I was inside of the room, and then I was looking right at him, as if worried about what he was going to be saying to me. I was seeing him looking like he was just wanting to know how I had been feeling. "I mean, I did not see you home until nearly three in the morning." I knew that he was not going to be letting this whole thing go, and I had felt like I might as well just tell him what was going on here.

"To be honest, I was thinking that I would be having a great idea on seeing what my brother was doing. I know that Gabe is up to something, and I want to see what it is going to be like." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering what the heck he was going to be saying. He was probably going to be either seeing why this was bothering me, or be telling me that I was being a reactionary. I did not know, and I did not even care what it was going to be like right now.

"Maybe he might be having a girlfriend or something like that. Trust me, he will be fine right now." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say something else. But then before he could even think about saying more, and I had nothing against him for feeling this way, since he was fucking five for fucks sake, and was too young to understand how bad it was, but I needed to make him understand what it was going to be like.

"Well, I followed him last night, and when I was doing this, I was seeing him meeting up with some dude who was inside of a black car. But before that, he was talking about something like a business deal. A deal to be keeping us safe, and him giving the man in the black car something. It is pretty obvious to me that he was clearly just wanting us to not know what is going on, because if we did, we would get in his business on it." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and then seeing what he was wanting to tell me for the time being.

"That is strange. But maybe there was just something really simple to it." Henry was saying, and I could clearly tell that he was not sure what he was even saying right now. I knew that even he was not buying a single word of what he was telling me right now. I was feeling bad for him, wanting to clearly find something to be saying to make our brother look like what he was doing was normal, but he just could not find a way to do this.

"Honestly, I just think that maybe he might be having something that he does not want us to know. And that if we try to find out what is going on here, then I think that maybe he will just try to find a way to get himself out of this. I need to know what he is doing. I need to know how he is going behind our backs." I said, and I was being very serious on this, and I just wanted to see how my younger brother would know what to be saying now.

"Jack, I think that you might need to be finding something to keep this whole thing together. I mean, I think you are just too focused on something for no real good reason. But I just think that maybe if he does not let anybody know what is happening, then I think he might be sort of making some big mistakes." After he was telling me that, I was seeing him looking like he was clearly just wanting to say more. But had no idea what to do now.

"I just want to make sure that I know what my siblings are doing, and as a result, be able to help them out if they need it. I mean, I know that maybe it is none of my business. But I feel like he might be placing himself in serious danger, and if that happens, then I can't ever forgive myself for not following my hunch." I said, holding my hands up, wanting to say more, and I was just seeing Henry wanting to say more. But he was too worried about annoying me here.

"If he is safe, how are you going to be able to sort of get over it? Do you feel like you will be fine with just sort of moving on if it turns out that nothing is actually going on?" Henry asked me, and then I was seeing him just sort of wanting to be saying more. But he was sort of wishing to know more of what he was feeling. I was feeling like I needed to come up with a better answer, if something like this was possible.

"If he is fine, I will be getting over it soon enough. I think that I just need to see what to be learning first. Once I learn the truth, then everything is going to be fine. I just need to finally have the truth presented to me, and then I would sort of be over it finally." I said, and then I was shrugging, and then I was looking right at Henry, wondering what I was going to be saying to him, and I was feeling like whatever I would do would finally make a difference.

"I think that even if you might not get it, or not want to get it, I am going to have to try and go again at this. I think that I need to go on and just find out what he is doing. Maybe when I do this, I might be doing something better for us. I am going to be watching for when he leaves again, and when he heads out once more, I will be getting out there, and I will be sort of seeing what he is doing, and how I could help him out now." I said, and I was seeing Jack looking like he was sort of getting over it now.

I was feeling like I just needed to be finding something else to keep it together. "I mean, I feel like it is the least that I can do. See what my brother is doing, and then keeping it all together. I feel like it is all that matters. And then once I know my answer, I will finally be able to get over it. Hopefully at least." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wishing to be finding something else to catch the moment of how I had been feeling. I needed to be finding a way to make it all come together.

Henry was obviously looking like he was wanting to debate further, and I was not even able to blame him for being like this, considering the context. But I did not give a single fuck. I was needing to make my voice heard, no matter what was going to be happening. No matter what was happening, I was feeling like maybe when I would get him more and more open on this, I could finally put some answers to all of this together.

"Honestly, I might not get it or like it. But I know how stubborn you might be. I know how much you care about doing things your way, and showing people that you are going to be fine with this. I think that if you are going to be heading out and checking something out, you might need to have somebody who is at your side, and making sure that everything is going to be fine." After he was telling me that, I was looking right at him, as if feeling like he was crazy for even suggesting what he was low key suggesting to me right now.

"I think that this might be a terrible idea. I mean, you're only five years old. How am I going to be able to trust something like this being a good idea?" After I was asking him this, I was seeing him looking like he was genuinely wanting to be saying something else. He was truly wanting to find something to tell me to make me change my mind. I was seeing his fucking mind racing.

I was wondering why he was even caring so much what I was trying to be telling him. I was wondering why he was wanting to be doing something like this in the first place. I mean, he was so young. He deserved so much better than what I was doing right now. "I don't know. I think that I will want to try and do it on my own one or two more times, see how it is, and then if I don't have any answers, or am getting myself in danger, I might be able to finally trust people to finally go on and find some way to help me out." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like this was something he was wanting to dispute as well. But he was taking a deep breath, feeling like he was needing to accept where he was placing himself right now for the time being.

"I know that you might not like what I am doing. In fact, I know that you do not. Even I don't really like it all that much deep down. But I am telling myself that this is right. I am telling myself that this is all that I need to be doing. I just wish that I could help you out with all that was going in." I was shaking my head, feeling like maybe I just needed to make him feel better about the fact that I was basically calling out on him for being so young and stuff.

"I don't want to see you go. I mean, you are a decent guy. Even if you can be mean to me sometimes." Henry said, and I was seeing him looking like he was not wanting to say more. He was clearly fearing that I might not be super happy with him saying that. But when he was doing this, I was just looking down, unsure of what to be saying now.

"I don't know what to be doing. It really is as simple as that. I want to be able to know how to make a difference. But if I were to try and find something right now, that brings it all together, I think that I would be lying to myself in a way. I think that this is the best that I can do." I said, and then I was standing up, looking at the stairs, feeling like I was needing to be following my calling eventually. Then I looked at Henry, to address the jerk comment.

"I hope that this does not get too bad for me. I feel like this is the least that I can do right now. I just wish that Gabe would not be mad at me if he finds out what I am doing. If he ends up being angry at me, and tells me that I ended up making a huge mistake on this, I will be so mad at myself, for doing something that pissed him off so badly." I said, and then I was shaking my head, pretending like I was fine here. I needed to just see what I would be doing now.

Then with that, I was at the edge of our sub set of the down stairs room. "Sorry for being considered a jerk to you. I mean, I know that I am not going to change that. I will not be able to change myself. But I feel like maybe I hope you know that I did not mean to be doing something like this." I said, and then I was sighing, feeling like I was just needing to be going along with this, and then go up there, and then get right to work. I needed to get to the job, and get it all done, and put it behind me in general.

So with that, I was waiting to see him react to me. "If you mean what you are saying, and you do want to be able to make me feel better, I will sort of try to put it all behind me for the time being." Henry said to me, and I was seeing him truly looking like he was wishing to find some better way to know what to be saying to me. To make me feel better about all that was about what was going down. But then I was feeling maybe I needed to find something else to say.

"I never had the intentions of making you feel bad. That is all that I can be able to say. But I really do need to try and fucking get out of there, and try and see what the heck my brother is doing. Maybe once I know how Gabe is doing, and learn the truth of what he is accomplishing, then I will probably be able to start to place it all behind me." I said, and then I was just feeling like I was needing to place it all behind me. I was getting to the stairs of the room, and I was waiting to see what Henry would say to me in a form of making me feel different about all that was going on now.

Once I was getting up the stairs, I was aware that this was the only thing that fucking mattered. I just needed to find a way to make my family proud of me. I needed to find a way to make them all feel like I was not trying to be making things any worse for them. I was just trying to be making them better, and safer, no matter how it would get there.

...

-Dec 13 1993 12:30 am- Once Gabe was heading out of the house, I was seeing him looking like he was just wanting to make sure that nobody was going to be following him. Probably after everything that he had seen the night before, he would probably be scared that somebody was following him. And he had every right to be worried about something like that. But I did not wnat to make it too obvious what I had been doing.

I had felt like I just needed to finally find a way to be making this whole thing look like it was not going to be bothering me all that much in the long run. I was feeling like when he would know what the heck I was doing, he would be very angry at me. I did not give a shit what it was going to be looking like. In my mind, I genuinely was feeling like I was having no choice but to be making this whole thing come together.

Once he was reaching the door, I was seeing him looking like maybe he was feeling like this was not going to be worth it. I had felt like maybe I was needing to learn what he was wishing to know. I was seeing that there was always a look of pain and frustration, and a look of clearly not knowing what to be doing in his mind. I wished that I would make him feel better. But I guess that none of what I was feeling would make any difference.

I was thinking about my siblings, and I was thinking even about Gabe, and how he was probably thinking that he was doing the right thing, and that he was thinking that he just needed to pretend like he was not making a huge difference. I was feeling like finding how this was all going to work out together was the only thing that I had felt like was truly going to make some form of a difference in the long run.

I had felt like maybe I just needed to talk to him for a while. Make him see that I was just wishing to speak to him, but only in a way where he was feeling like he was actually going to not feel like I was trying too hard to make something different on what was happening. I was wondering how in the hell I was even going to be getting him to wish to open with me. I was thinking that this was going to be the only thing that I needed to keep in mind in the long run. I just wanted to make him know that there was another way. But I did not know if this was possible.

As he was opening up the door, and starting to head out, I waited for about two minutes before I was feeling like it was time for me to try and see what I could be able to learn here. I was sighing, just feeling like I needed to get this whole thing over with. I was walking out of the house, and when I had done that, I was needing to keep myself calm. I needed to keep myself focused. I needed to keep myself feeling like I was not going to get caught doing this.

Once I was outside of the house, I was seeing that Gabe, who had only been barely down the street, looked back, and I was seeing that he clearly knew that one of his siblings was out of the house. I was feeling like I had failed, and that no matter what was going to happen, I needed to find some way to be lying about what I was doing. Maybe I could find a way out of this if I had been able to try hard enough at the moment.

I think that he knew that no matter what was going to happen, he was needing to find a way to be making his point clear, and that as a result, he just needed to be getting this whole thing over with. So with that, he was walking back to the house, and I was seeing him looking like he was both curious who it was, but also mildly angry at what was going on, and whoever it was, he was going to make it clear that this was no fucking game at all.

I was feeling like I just needed to prepare myself for my lecture, and that he was going to be making me somehow feel like the bad guy for doing this all. And given the fact that I had wanted to make my brothers and sister feel like I knew what was going on, and show that there was some regret here, I was feeling like if he was going to lecture me, then I might be falling for it, and realizing how much I was going to just need to work with him. I was seeing that maybe once he got over it, he would just want to work with me to get us both results.

Once he was seeing me, and seeing that it was me and not one of the other older siblings here, I was seeing him looking slightly sad, but also worried. But I was seeing him slowly get over it, and I was seeing him wishing to be talking with me on this. To get me to know why this was not alright. Why this was something that I needed to understand was not going to be a fucking game, and that he was not wanting me to fuck around with all of this.

...

-Dec 13 1993 2:45 pm- Eventually, when school was over, I was feeling like I needed to find something to do to drag out how long I was going to be in school, not wanting to go home, and be forced to confront Gabe about what had happened. I knew that I had really messed up, and I knew that he was going to be pissed at me, and not want to tell me a single detail. I had made a huge mistake, and I was going to avoid dealing with it as long as possible.

I was going down to the gym, and I was going to be working there for a while, and I was going to be making it very clear to people that I was going to be there for the team application, and nothing else at all. I was feeling like when I was going to be focused on this, and I would make some progress, I would be able to get some form of admiration from the people that I am hanging out with. They might be thinking that if for nothing else, they might appreciate the effort I am putting in here.

I was just telling myself all of this stuff to be feeling better. I was thinking that I would also get some form of leniency if I tried hard enough. That was the only thing that I was going to be telling myself to sort of make a change to what I had been dealing with. I was down at the gym, and I was picking up a basket ball, holding it for a bit, and the longer I was holding it, the less sure I was on what I was going to be doing here.

Then I walked in front of the loop, and then I was sighing, annoyed with my life, and then I was throwing the ball through the hoop, telling myself to just get this over with. The longer that I was stalling this out, the worst that I would be making this whole thing. I was then seeing that the ball slightly missed the hoop, and I was ready for people to be making fun of me here.

I was sighing, thinking that I was just not going to really accomplish anything else here. Then I was forcing myself to be focusing as long as possible. The longer that I was going to be focusing, the better that I was going to be making this whole thing work. Then I was thinking for a while longer, then took a step or two back, and then I threw it. As I threw it, I was waiting for a second as I was seeing it go inside the hoop.

I was then grabbing the ball again, and then threw it again, and saw it work a second time. As I was seeing this, and working out the best that I could, I was feeling better about what I had been doing. I was then working on throwing more of these attempts, and there was a lot of mixed results in this whole thing. I was just glad that I was making some of these shots if for nothing else.

As I was getting ready to fire again, I was seeing that one acne covered guy from earlier walking by, and I was seeing him looking at me. As if wondering what I was going to be up to, and I was seeing him looking right at me, as if wondering what I was going to be doing now. "Hey, how is your practice going on right now? Do you think you might be able to make the team at the rate you are going?" He asked me, and I was looking at him, and I was feeling like I needed to give some form of a commanding appearance on this entire situation.

"Well, yeah I am going to hopefully make the team. And if I don't make it to the team, then I am going to be practicing every single fucking day, and I am going to be making sure that I do not miss a single chance of making it onto this team." I said, and then I was looking right at this guy, wondering what he was going to be telling me now, if he was to say anything at all.

"I think that maybe I just need to be as prepared as possible for this. I think that I truly have a chance. But I just need to make sure that the rest of the team is so bad that I might have been able to get on the team easily enough." I said, shaking my head, kind of annoyed at the fact that I was pretty much admitting that the only way I could make the team was if people who were even worse than me would have been in the team as well.

I was kind of angry with myself, and I was feeling like there was something almost kind of unfair about something like that. But then I was telling myself to focus on something that was much more important. If I was going to be on this team, and make friends, then I was needing to go on and try to get to know this person, and at least see if they were going to be somebody that I actually felt this whole thing would have been compatible with.

"My name is Jack. What is your name?" I asked him, wishing to be making him feel like there was a chance that we were going to be able to get something going. Then he was looking right at me, as if shocked to be hearing somebody actually trying to reach out to her, and trying to make her honestly feel better on this whole thing.

"My name is Max. I have been wanting to get on the team for a while as well. But I am not that good." Max said to me, and then he was looking right at me, as if wondering if he was wanting to actually say something that he was thinking. I was wondering what was going on with him. But I did not want to be saying something else. As if feeling like maybe I just needed to get to know how he was planning on going at this.

"Well, I do sort of get what it is like. The idea of going into a team that I know will probably reject me. I mean, I really don't want to admit that I know what it is like. But at the same time, I am sort of over it. I know that there is nothing that I can fucking do about it. As much as I hate to say something like that." I said, and then I was looking right at Max, as if wondering what he was going to be saying now, if he was to say anything at all.

"I am honestly just thinking that if I wanted to join the team, I will have to wait until a later year. I mean, I have nothing against that I guess. But I wish that I could have been able to do something better with my time." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to find something else to be saying to me. But he was clearly not wanting to say anything else to me, but did not know what was wrong with him here.

I was wanting to be making him feel better. "Well, maybe if we go on and do a session together, where we keep taking turns on how to play, then we can make it work." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was seeing him looking like he was actually kind of happy over something like this. I was seeing that he was actually almost wanting to go on and do something like this, to make it all work out.

Then with that, I was throwing him the ball, and I was seeing him looking shocked at the fact that I was meaning the offer, and then he was sighing, thinking that he might as well just give it a try. Then he threw it really hard, and then it ended up hitting the thing behind the hoop, and then it flew back several feet forward, and then I was looking unsure of what to be telling him. I did not want to say anything, in fear of offending him. But yeah, long story short, he was going to be having a long ass way to be getting good at this. But then again, we all had to be starting somewhere, and I was going to be seeing how I could help him out here.

I knew that everybody, when they were first getting into sports, were not going to be that good, so I was needing to remember that fo rmyself before I judged him too hard on this, and I was feeling like I just needed to be there for him. To make him feel better about what was going on, and show him that I knew how to make him feel like there would have been some chance to go on and truly change how it could have all been here.

I was feeling like I was needing to just give the impression of being patient, and I was going to be leading him through this whole thing, and be helping him out here, and then I was going to be able to show people that if I could improve, and he can be improved by a result of my training, then he might be able to see that I was a good teacher, and then as a result, the coaches would at least give me a chance to be there to teach the worse players.

I had felt like it was going to be the best option for me, and it was going to be the only way that I would really make a difference. It would be the only way that I can show people that I want to at least try and make it seem like I am not going to be judging anybody for what they were like for now. Since if I had done that, I would be kind of a massive dick, and I would be sort of the one who would be making things much worse for everybody else who was around here.

I was feeling like I was just needing to try and make it so much better. I was seeing him sighing a bit, and he was looking like he was over the whole situation, and that he had wanted to make people feel like he was actually decent. Or at least able to become decent if he were to try hard enough. I knew that I was going to have a long way to be going here. But I knew that I just needed to try my best on this whole thing.

"Listen Max... I am not going to be lying to you." I said, and I knew that he was going to be taking this badly. But I felt like it was what he had needed to hear. And that when I continued, he was going to be feeling better. Once he was going to truly be seeing where I was going to be heading on this whole thing.

"As or right now, you will probably not be able to make the team. That being said, I do wnat to give you a chance to improve. I think that maybe if you can improve, and I improve by teaching you some of the stuff that I know, or we can actually be able to get faster and better, then I think that we could be able to both enable to give us a chance on making the team." I said, and then I was looking at him, wondering what the heck he was going to be telling me here.

"I guess that maybe I could be willing to give this a go. I really do want to make it on the team. I mean, the whole thing would be hard for me to be doing. But I do not give a shit. I need to at least try and see how it can go." He was telling me, and he was looking sad as he was saying this, and I was wanting to help him out. Then I was feeling like I needed to get back to feeling something for him, and be there to make him feel like there was a chance to make it all work out.

As I was looking at him, and I was seeing that he genuinely looked like he was wanting to help, I was feeling like I just needed to be patient with him, no matter what the context was going to be. "I mean, I am not that good myself. I am not even going to pretend like I am somebody who knows what I am doing here. But I feel like I need to at least give you a chance here." I said, and then I was holding the ball, and then I threw it. The ball barely made it through.

"My first thing of advice is to just remain calm and quiet. Calm and collected. Once you are able to accomplish that, and you are able to really capture the motions of not being worried about what is going on, you will be able to make things work out for the best." I said, and then I was looking right at Max, wondering what the hell I was even going to be saying to continue on with this whole entire thing.

"Alright. Thanks for being honest with me. I always get a little bit worried when I go up there, and when I just throw the ball in to try and make it. I always feel like if I miss, then I would be feeling terrible. Then as a result, I miss even more, and I make things even worse, and then I just feel angry with what I am doing." He said to me, sighing about what he was telling me, and he was clearly looking like he had wanted to say more. But that if he continued, I was just going to be telling him not to feel this way.

But to his surprise, I was not going to be like that. I was going to try and support him, and I was going to try and make him feel better. I knew what it was like to be in his shoes. I was not going to be making him feel bad for doing something bad, and I was going to try and find a way to make him feel like there was something that could make him feel like there was somebody who cared for him in his way.

"I was terrible at sports too. I am still not all that good. But I feel like when I go up there, and I show people how to do better, then I feel like I am honestly doing something right. I mean, I was always freaked out. In fact, starting todays thing, I was worried. But with each throw, I was telling myself to focus on the moment." I said, and then I was looking at him, wondering what I was going to say to make him feel different on this.

"I mean, I think that you just got to be taking in the moment, and reminding yourself that the worst that is going to happen if you fail to make the team, is to try again next year. If you try and fail this year, that is something. If you don't even try though, that is when you end up making things worse for yourself." After I had said that to him, I was seeing him looking like he was trying to be cool with what he was telling me now.

"Alright. Thanks for letting me know that. I mean, I don't know how much it will change my perspective on this. But I feel like it is the best that I can be doing here. I mean, I just want to make people see that I want to be making a difference. I want to show people that I care about how things are." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more. But that he was not daring to be saying anything else.

"So now that you are remembering that you just need to be calm and focused, I want to let you try and give it a few shots. Just tell yourself that the only thing that matters is the score. The only thing that matters is just trying your best. Do not worry about making the score or not. If you fail, there are always different attempts that you can make. And there is nothing that you need to worry about here." I said, and then I was sitting down on the bleechers, as if to make my point in a way.

Then when he was seeing me looking like this, and trying to pass it off that way, he was sighing, and then he was feeling like he just needed to give this a go, and that he just needed to be ready for whatever the hell was about to go down. Then with that, he was sighing, and threw the ball at the rim, and then the first time it failed. He ended up trying another three times, but he was getting a little closer each time, and on the fifth time, he finally made it, and I was smiling in joy at that fact.

"I know that I am doing a terrible job, and you are probably losing your patience with this whole thing." After Max was telling me this, I was sighing, and felt like I just needed to try and find something to tell him that would make him feel better about what was going on. Even if I had no idea how something like this could have been been possible. But I was not giving a single shit at all.

"To be honest, I think that you are just trying your best. I mean, I think that something like this is more important than anything else." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering what the heck I was going to be telling him right now. What I was wanting to tell him to make any real difference in the first place. I was feeling like I was just going to have to be trying my best to make him feel like I was not attacking him given the situation at all.

"I need you to understand that there are going to be a lot of people who are going to try and join this team though. Remind yourself every time that you feel like you are going to be getting better or worse, that there are still people who are going to be out there who want to join the team. And that trying your best is the only thing that matters." I said, and then I was holding the ball, and then I threw the ball to the hoop, trying to make it seem like I was going to be fine with this whole thing now.

Once I threw the ball, I was just sort of thinking deeply onto what was happening. I was looking right at Max, wondering what I was even wanting to be saying now. "I mean, I just always remind myself that even if I do make the team, I am going to have to be the best that I can in order to show the coach made the right choice on this whole thing." I was telling Max, wondering what the heck he was going to be telling me right now to fight this. Or if he was going to be fine with it all.

"I will try my best to be looking at it like this. I hate this though. The whole thing is just too hard to really understand." After he was saying that to me, I was then seeing him trying to look like he was wanting to not let this bother him as he was throwing the ball right through the hoop, trying to make it look all fine and dandy now. I was feeling like maybe he was going to let this get to his head though. And I was right as the next ball he threw he ended up missing.

"Let me try to see how this whole thing is going to be working. I think that if you want to be doing a better job, maybe you need to try and get in closer. As you go in closer, just tell yourself not to be too worried on this whole thing right now." I said, and then I was taking a couple of steps. When I threw the ball, it ended up working, and there was no sign of anything going on right now. Then I was looking at him, wanting to find something to say now.

"Just try to find a distance that you can not only work, but then you be able to work consistently. Once you get something consistently going, then you just realize that you are too good for this spot. Then you take a couple of steps back, and then you keep working until you are very good at that distance. Just slowly work your best with the distances you have." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was starting to think about what he was going to be saying.

"Alright. Thanks for giving me some ideas on what I should be doing." After he was saying this to me, I gave it another couple of throws and got both of them, feeling like this area was exactly just that. A area that was almost too good for me. Which knowing that this was one thing that I could be telling myself to be better on this.

Then when I was done, I gave him the ball, to be letting him have a chance to go at this. Then he was looking unsure of what to be telling me. Then he was throwing the ball a couple of times, and when they whole thing works, I was seeing him sort of trying a couple of distances. He was trying to find literally any spot that would have worked. As if feeling like maybe he was going to finally have an answer that would change how he was working here.

There are areas that he had some amounts of success, others where he was nowhere even close, and some where he was sort of half way, and I was kind of interested in where he was going to be heading on this route. I was thinking that maybe I just needed to find a way to make him feel like he was finally having an answer to what he had been needing to accomplish with all of this.

"This is going to be taking a while. I think that we will have a lot of stuff that we need to figure out right now." I said, and then I was placing my hand on my head, feeling like there was a lot of stuff that I just needed to try and figure out. I was looking right at him, wondering what the heck I was going to be saying to him, to make him feel like there was still a chance. But at that moment, it was hard to even pretend like this was going to work.

"I don't really know what to be feeling right now. I just think that I need to try and maybe come here after school more often. You know, sort of like what you are doing. I feel like I should also not be getting in the way of your practice either. Which is already making me feel kind of bad." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was genuinely wanting to say something else now.

"You do not need to be too worried about something like this. I mean, sure sometimes things happen. But I think that you are just going to be too worried about that stuff. I mean, I did literally give you a chance to be just doing what you can here. It is all that matters." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was seeing that Max did not look like he was willing to buy into this whole thing in the fucking slightest at all.

"But if it makes you feel better to not be forced to present yourself to me, and that we go on and do our own thing, then I will see how something like that can work." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to make me feel better. But that this was just going to be the hardest thing that he was going to be able to do here.

"Yeah, I don't know. It might make me feel better. I am going to have to at least consider it for a bit before I say anything else." After he was telling me that, I was seeing him wanting to be finding more to say. But that he was feeling like he was not needing to be saying anything else. He had already expressed his voice enough for me to be able to sort of get it.

"I wish that I could find something that can make you understand that this is not going to be all that big of a deal. But I think that you have probably already made your choice on this, and I can't really get in your way on this anymore." I said, and then I was feeling like what I had said was going to be sort of a tone-deaf statement to be making, and it would not go anywhere at all.

But then I was feeling like I could say something else, and see what we can do to not only get to help each other, but possibly bond as well. I felt like this was the best that we could do right now. "Maybe we can go to my house, and practice a bit there. You know, just to see if we can maybe help each other out here." I said, and then I was seeing him sort of looking like he was willing to maybe give this a try, and see how maybe I could work this out. He then nodded, to give me his approval.

...

-Dec 13 1993 11:00 pm- Once I was the only one who was up that night left, I was seeing that there was a certain amount of just calm clarity in my mind going on in that moment. I was starting to feel like maybe I could be able to find a way to talk with Gabe, and force him to be opening up about this whole thing. Make him feel like there was no way to be getting out of this whole thing. I had felt like maybe when I would be talking with him, he might take it seriously.

Or he and I could be able to brush this whole thing off, and laugh it off as something that is not all that big of a deal, and then we could be able to move on and just sort of act like this whole thing never really happened in the first place. I was feeling like I was just needing to go on and see what I could do to make sure that Gabe knew how I was going to be able to make him feel better. I was wishing to sort of reach out to him though, if that was possible.

But then again, I was feeling like he was going to be safe when he was on his own. I was feeling like something like this was the only thing that really mattered. Making sure that we are going to just sort of come together, and maybe even do something right now. I was just wanting to make sure that even if Gabe were to confront me, nobody else would be confronting him as well. That way the two of us were going to be able to just talk one of one.

I was feeling like when I would reach out to him, and get him to sort of feel like he knew where I was coming from. I was just wanting to make Gabe know that even if he was going to be trying to act like I did not deserve to know anything, that I was not going to be mad at him. I would probably even sort of understand where he was coming from in a way.

That was the only thing that I had felt like would be keeping him thinking that there was some form of a chance to be making the whole discussion actually work out. But then again, I was thinking about what I was doing. I was thinking about what I was going to have to do if I wanted to make Gabe not only tell me, but trust me enough to be going down the path with him. I was feeling like this was going to be the most important path we could be taking now.

Eventually, I was seeing Gabe coming along, and he was looking right at me, and I knew that he was aware that we just needed to be getting this conversation over with. So with that in his mind, and him realizing that not speaking to me was only going to be making things worse, he was sitting down right next to me, and was looking right at me to try and find something else to be saying at that very moment.

"Hey Jack, I know that you are probably wanting to ask a dozen or so questions on what the heck was going on. I would not even blame you if you were to start flooding me with them. That being said, I do feel like you will sort of understand that I am just not wanting to tell you and others because if you were to know the truth, then you would not only feel like it is a part of your job to learn more of the truth, but you will be forcing me to reveal it all." Gabe said, and I was seeing him sort of looking like he was wishing I could see that perspective.

"I just think that there is something that we all need to know. If you are actually wanting to be doing this. Or if you want to finally find a way to tell us what is going on, and then maybe we can be able to actually help you out." I was saying, and he was clearly looking like he was not even wanting to think on what it was going to be like to tell him everything that was going on in a way. I just did not care though.

"I think that what I am doing is the right thing. And as a result, I am still happy with what I am accomplishing. I mean, if you were to know everything that was going on, then I think you will be able to sort of see where I am coming from." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to be finding more to say right now, but he was clearly not wanting to know where I was even going to come from now.

"But what is happening that is making all of this happen anyways? Can you be able to tell me that at least?" I asked, and then he was shaking his head, and I knew that no matter what I was going to be saying, he was not going to be letting me know a damn thing. I had not wanted him to be treating me like a fucking baby. I mean, I was one of the older ones in the family, and I deserved something better than what he was giving me. I knew deep down that I deserved better than this, no matter what he was saying to me to change that idea.

"Jack, you do not know what it is going to be like, and I think that the sooner you accept that, the better that everything is going to be for us. I mean, I do not want you to be feeling like I am just pushing you off. But that being said, I have no choice but to be doing this. I am doing literally everything for your sake, as well as the rest of the family. It is the only thing that I can do. I feel like soon enough, when you are much older, you will get it." As he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to find more to say. But clearly could not find it in himself to be doing such a thing after all.

"I mean, even if you were to try and get some of the clues together, you are still much too young to truly understand why this whole thing matters the most. But I think that maybe we just are going to be going in circles if you do not fully understand what it is like." After he was telling me all of this, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say something else, but he could not have known what I would have told him here.

"I am sorry if I am annoying you with any of this stuff." I said, and then I was looking at him, as if feeling bad for everything that was going on right now, and I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to be saying more. But that he was well aware that if he were to try and say something, then I was never going to be able to fully understand what it would have been like in the long run.

"You are not annoying me right now. You are just making me feel a bit worried. I just wish that I would know what to be telling you though. I think that if you want to finally make me feel better, you would just sort of understand that I am going to be doing my best to be bringing this all together for my family. I think that my family is going to be the best motivation that I can have here." After he was telling me this, I saw him looking like he was wishing to keep this all together a bit longer.

"I mean, I don't know what it is like. But I know that I am not going to get it if I were to just try and talk to you. I think that if you wanted to talk with me or anybody else, then you would have done this already." I said, and I was not even meaning this whole thing to drag him to unease. I was just trying to be sounding like I could sort of understand what the heck was happening. But it was a large path to go down now.

"If I were to try and explain it all, you would never be able to get it. And it is no fault of your own. I mean, you're only nine years old. You trying to understand this stuff is always going to be a uphill battle. But the thing is that when and if you understand how important something like this really is, will require you to become much older, and that is not fair for anybody else to be forced into something like that." Gabe said, and then he was shrugging, wondering what the heck I was going to be saying now.

"I mean, I want to try and get some people to really understand why this is so important. But I do not want to be making anybody else be dragged into something that I know is not going to make any fucking difference. I know that this is going to be something that I need to be doing right now on my own. I always need to be cutting you some fucking slack with this." Gabe was just finishing up, and he was clearly looking like he was running out of this to say.

"I mean, when I think about all that is ahead of me, and the large path that is going to be presented to me, all that I can be able to think of is how much I am just going to be working on the way thatI can present my findings to my friends, and not be making them think that I am going crazy." After Gabe was saying this to me, I knew that I was lost, but I knew that this was much more important than me, and I needed to just be quiet.

"But when I find some answers that I feel like you will be able to fully understand, and help me with, then I will be more than willing to be bringing you along with this. I will be more than willing to get some help from you when I feel like I am running out of solutions." After he was telling me this, I did not know how to be feleing about him calling me a last resort. I also did not know if he was basically making me feel bad on purpose.

"I wish that I know what was going on though. Honestly I think that maybe I will just have to see what you are wanting help with. But I do not want to be making things any worse for you though." After I was saying all of this stuff, I was feeling so fucking lost on what to be doing. I wanted to help him out. I needed to help him out.

I did not even care how it was going to be coming along. I was just wishing to be helping him out, and I was feeling like the only way something like this can happen was if I were to basically force him to just tell me more stuff. "Maybe I will show you some time. When I feel like this whole thing is going to be understandable to even me, then I will make the difference that you truly need." After he was done with that, I was seeing him looking at the window to the outside.

"I will probably need to think more about what is going on right now. I just feel like this whole thing is just a bit much to really consider. I think that telling you all of this is already going to be hard for us." After Gabe was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to be finding something else to say. But he was just feeling like he was needing to be finding a better long run with what he had been saying. I just wanted to help out my older brother, even if such a thing was impossible.

"I will be needing to head out soon, and I will be doing my own thing. I think that it would be best if you can be on your own, staying here and not seeing me what the heck I am doing right now." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking at the outside window a second time and he was starting to take a bunch of long and deep breaths.

I knew that no matter what was going to be happening, he was going to be sort of just making me feel lost, and his answer was never going to make me feel like I was following what he was trying to accomplish. The entire thing was just a lot to handle, and I wished that I knew how to help him out. I wanted to help him out so much. But I knew that the path to doing such a thing was just going to be fucking impossible in the long run.

I was annoyed with my brother, and I was wishing that he treated me better. I was wishing he would treat me like a normal person, and not somebody who was just going to be getting in the way. Somebody who was nothing more than a fucking liability. But I knew that if I were to tell him this, he was going to be annoyed with my response, and hate what I would tell him.

"Jack, I am so sorry for everything. I know that this is something that you just want to do to make me feel like there are other options, but I think that the only option that matters is just making sure that nothing gets any worse." Gabe was shaking his head, feeling like there was just no need to be saying anyhing else, and I was feeling like he was sort of taking advantage of me in his own way, as much as I hated this whole thing.

Eventually, there was a car that was coming along, and I was feeling like this car was the thing that Gabe was needing to deal with. He was sighing, and looked right at me, and I was seeing him sort of looking like he was just wishing to be getting this over with. Like that no matter what was happening, the way of getting through this was all that mattered. He winked at me, feeling better for what was going on right now.

Once he was walking out of the house, I was starting to following him a bit more, and that was when he was looking like he was just not wanting to deal with this from me. I was seeing him looking like there was a mild amount of anger with what I was doing. I was feeling like this had been one of the worst choices that I had ever made. But I did not fucking know what to be doing at this rate. But then he was looking like he knew what was happening.

As he was at the door, I was seeing him looking like he was clearly just wanting to get this whole fucking thing over with. That getting this done with was the only thing that he could possibly want to do. Then with that, he was placing his hand on the door, and I knew that he just needed to get it over with. I knew that I needed to join him, even if he hated it.

...

-Dec 14 1993 1:00 am- Once the guy in the car was done with whatever the hell he was doing, and I was wondering what was taking them so damn long, I was seeing them slowly come to the door, and when I was seeing this happen, that was when there was a look on Gabe's face, and I was seeing him clearly looking like he was just wanting to find something to be making this whole thing just come together much better.

I was seeing that Gabe was just looking like he was needing to accept the fact that I was here, and that I just needed to be quiet about what I was doing, for our sake. And when I was aware of what was going on, for once I was not going to be fighting him on this. I was just wanting to find something to do to change the way that this was going to be done. I knew how serious this was. Just the way that Gabe was acting was making it totally obvious.

I was worried about what he would be telling me if I went crazy with this. If I were to try and say something else to help the whole situation go by easier. Then he was looking right at me, just shaking his head, as if feeling bad about something, or hating what I was doing for some reason. I knew either way that this was going to be a big deal.

I was then seeing him open the door before the guy could even dare knock and wake the entire family up. As he was doing this, I was seeing him looking at me, and I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to be finding something else to say to make a big difference on what was going on. "Hello, I was wondering if you were going to be up at this time, given the fact that there is some schooling that I know you would be getting ready for." After he was saying this to Gabe, I was seeing him pretending like he was not really caring about me.

When he was looking right at Gabe, and looking like he was being very calm and focused on this whole thing, I was seeing Gabe looking like he was very focused on what was going on, and that this was going to finally just be the best that we could accomplish at this whole thing. "Well, I am here, and I was wanting to see if maybe we could be able to talk with each other for a bit." Gabe said, and I was seeing him looking like the mere idea of this was just awful for him to even consider now.

"I think that your younger brother should be coming along with us. To make sure that he does not tell anybody what is going on here." The guy was telling Gabe, looking right at me, and I was seeing that there was a look of pure malice in his eyes, and I could not be able to mistake that look even when I was that young, and for once, I was wishing that I truly did listen to my older brother on this regard, and not fight him on this.

"I think that this might not be a good idea. He's only nine after all, and I think that he is too young to really get it." Gabe was saying, and then he was looking at the guy, as if feeling like this was something that he was not going to be fucking with at all, and that if this man even dared bring me along, then he was going to be making that man feel like he made a giant mistake, and needed to pay for his actions.

"If we let him stay here, and just stand around, and not be made aware of what he is doing, then I think that you will never be able to get away with this. He is going to be coming, and that is all that there is nothing that you are going to be able to do about it." The guy was telling Gabe, and placed his hand on his Gabe's chest, and I was seeing him looking really fucking angry about this. I knew that if this man did not stop, he was going to make Gabe show that man he would regret it.

"This is something that I am going to be really serious on right now. I can't be messing around with this right now. That being said, if you feel like there is no other option but to be bringing him along, then I guess that I can tell him. But there is one condition that I will be needing you to follow through on, with no fucking exceptions." Gabe was telling that guy, and that he was seeing the man looking almost a bit worried about the way he was talking with Gabe.

"He is just going to be in the car. That is all that there is going to be to it. Once you get him along, he will stay here, and be safe." Gabe was telling that man, and he was looking like this was the bare minimum he will be accepting from this. Considering the look on Gabe's face, and the serious term that he had been showing here, I could clearly tell that even the man did not want to be messing with Gabe on this whole thing at all. As if even he knew better.

"Fine. If that is what you are wanting, then I think that maybe we can be able to make something work out here with this. I just think that this is going to be a big mistake if you go further with this." That was when I was seeing the guy looking at me, and I was clearly seeing him looking like he was wishing to be saying something else. Then he was sighing, clearly not wanting to be arguing at all, and not wanting to be making things any worse now.

With that, this was when Gabe was sort of sighing, and he was walking right towards me, and I was feeling like I was going to need to be ready for whatever Gabe was going to be telling me. Once he was going to be telling me whatever was on his mind, and whatever the plan was, I was going to pretend like this whole thing was not really happening. But I was clearly aware of what was actually happening right now.

Eventually, he was getting on his knees, and looking right at me, and he was clearly looking like he was not wanting to be doing this right now. This was the scariest thing that I had been through in my nine years of life. Not that high of a bar, but I honestly did not care at all on this whole thing.

"Jack, you are going to have to be joining me this time. I really wish that you did not come along with me, and that you did not get in my business on this. I think that you will eventually know that at the end, I was really doing this for the best. And maybe there is nothing that I can do about it. But I feel so sorry right now." Gabe was telling me, feeling like he was just needing to be finding something to make me feel different. But had no idea what was to be saying now.

As I was looking at him, I was truly scared, and I was finally feeling like I should have been listening to Gabe for once in my entire life. I felt like being stubborn is the only thing that is going to be changing how everything was going to be fucking working. But I was feeling like this whole thing was just a bit strange.

"Gabe, can you please be able to get me out of this? I promise that I will never tell anybody or anything. I know now how wrong I was to be getting myself into something that was none of my business." I said, and I was truly meaning what I had been saying to him. I was wanting to be getting out of this, no matter what it was going to take. I wanted nothing to do with this, and I was willing to admit that this was a huge mistake that I had made right now.

"I think that there is simply going to be no way you will be able to get out of this one. But please, in the future, remember the exact thing you just told me... Do not tell anybody what is going on. Under any situation, you can not tell anybody what you are seeing right now." Gabe was looking like he was meaning every word of what he was saying, and after all that was going on, I did not dare to fight him on this whole thing, and I was going to finally be a good brother for once in my entire life here.

"I will never tell anybody. I will keep everything quiet. Just keep me safe in that car." I said, and then I was seeing Gabe nodding, as if well aware of that whole thing, and how he was going to be making it very clear that this was the one fucking way he was going to be allowing any of this shit to be going down now. I was seeing that he was feeling like that if he could accomplish even a single damn thing, it would be that of all ordeals.

"Please, I do not want anything to be happening to me, and I made a big mistake." After I was saying this, I meant every single word of what I was saying here, and then Gabe was holding up his hands, as if making it very clear to me that this was going to be something that he was going to be making very clear to everybody who we were going to meet at the long run.

"Trust me, this is the least that I can be doing." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him sighing a bit, and then he was standing up, and he was looking right at the man who was on the other side, as if feeling like this was what he had been able to do, and that he had made his point enough now.

Once we were near the guy again, I was looking at the man who was probably going to be my main enemy. As he was looking at me, I was seeing him looking like he would dare want to say that he was not impressed with the way that he was looking at me, and then he was feeling like maybe we were going to have a long way to go before we could be able to look at me as being a success in his eyes.

"Alright, now that we have made our point, and we are all aware of the rules of how this is going to be working, let's just get the hell out of here, and not waste any of our time right now." The man was saying to us, and I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to be saying something else. But that he was not going to even dare risk it in fear of royally pissing off Gabe, and that he knew that even he was not going to be getting himself out of this well.

Once we were out of the house, for the first time in my short life, I was truly thinking that there was a chance that I was not going to survive. For the first time, I was feeling like I had made the biggest mistake of my entire life. But at the same time, I had wished that I could have found something to do to make it all different in the long run. I was feeling like the less I talked, the more I had a chance to possibly survive this.

I was terrified, and I knew that nothing my brother would be doing would have made any of this better for us in the long run. I had wished that maybe I could have found something that made Gabe feel like he would be able to get us out of this. But I knew he was going to be safe. I knew that nothing else fucking mattered. I knew that I needed to change the way I was going at this, for the sake of showing everybody that I was not scared of anything else.

But in a way, I was wondering who I would be fooling if I were to do something like this. I knew that I was not going to be fooling a damn person in this fucking world. And that I was going to just have to be more open about what was happening now. I was needing to change my presentation, to finally make it seem like I was never going to be making anybody who was not involved feel like they had no choice but to moderate me.

Once in his car, that was when the guy was starting up his engine and I was seeing him looking like he was feeling a little bit better about forcing us into this. That he was truly thinking that maybe he could change me. That he could get me to be a product of their wishes. That I was going to mend into a monster in his own creation. I hated it. But I knew it was possible now.

I knew that one of these days, I had to make my brothers proud, but until then, mere survival between Gabe and I was the only thing that mattered at all. I was in the car, and then Gabe was in the passenger seat, and he was shaking his head, as if accepting how rough this would have been if we were not careful, and I was seeing him sort of looking like he was willing to accept any fucking fate that we were going to be going on through now.

"Now that we are here, I am going to be making some things very clear to you guys right now. I do not give a damn if you guys talk with each other about what is going on. That is totally allowed. But if even a single soul outside of your two find out, my workers and I will make sure that these people will not be living to see another day." After he had said that to us, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing that his message was across. Looking at him, and seeing the look on his face, I knew that he was serious, and I knew that I better be taking this very seriously.

"We got the message loud and clear. I will make sure that nobody knows of what is happening." Gabe said, and I was not sure if he was just saying that as a poker face, or if he was meaning what he had told this man. I was seeing him looking like he was just sort of wishing that none of this ever happened. That he had been able to get out of this alive, and not only alive, but get out of it well. But that was clearly not happening.

Eventually, the guy was just nodding, as if feeling like he was glad that his point was made, and that he was not going to be dealing with people who would be pretending like they were above him. "Alright, let's get right to business. I will finally just bring you guys there, and we will be getting right to business." After he had said that to us, I was seeing him looking like he was feeling like there was almost something useless out of dragging this whole thing out.

He was starting his car up, and he was driving along for as long as possible. The longer that he was driving, the more scared that I was. And the more that I regretted even pretending like I was going to be the big damn hero. And I was feeling like this was just the biggest mistake that I had been making, or could ever make out of this entire thing.

As we were driving along, that was when the driver was clearly looking like he was wanting to possibly lighten up the subject a bit. To make it seem like none of the three of us were going to be getting close to our deaths in a way. "Well, I am kind of curious, how is your family doing?" He asked, and was looking at Gabe, almost as if he was regretting this job, and was wanting to make it at least peaceful at the end.

"They seem to be doing alright. I mean, I have not dared tell them what I have been doing. I mean, I value their trust, but I value our lives more as well." Gabe said, and then he was shaking his head, shrugging, and I was feeling like whatever he was not telling us was going to be sort of the biggest deal of our lives. But then he continued, not even giving either of us more than a couple of seconds to react.

"Honestly though, I am proud of how my younger siblings are doing. I mean it. I mean, they are going on and actually being proud of themselves. I mean, my brother Seth gave a decent show, and he was feeling on top of the world the entire time that he was doing this. Jack over there is trying to get on the sports team, and he is seeming to really enjoy how he is doing. I just wish that I was like that when I was their age." Gabe said, and then I was feeling like there was nothing that I could be saying to this whole thing, and that I just needed to let him talk now.

"I remember when I was your guys age, and I never really did something with my life. At least you guys seem like you are onto something that you like as well. And I am not going to be making anything like that get worse. I mean, I feel like when you are on there, and I see you with your siblings, on events, I know you care." The guy was saying, and then he was feeling like he was wishing to be saying more to make me feel better .

"I mean, I wish that I went out of my way to be in better terms with my family. But that is just not happening. Even pretending like it can happen is just going to be a waste of time." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say something else. I was wishing that I would be able to make my family feel better. But I was seeing that maybe Gabe was just unsure of what to be feeling now.

"I mean, I just wish that I want to have some form of knowledge on how they are able to be without me, but I feel like something like this might be fucking impossible." Gabe said, and I was looking right at the window, trying to pretend like I was not there, since with the way they were talking, I was aware that they were going to be like this as well. So I was not even going to entertain the idea that I should be talking with them.

I was feeling like maybe I needed to be working on something else now. "Well, I think that maybe they will not have to deal with that for a while. The longer that you seem to not be making a issue out of this, the better that it is going to be for all of us, and the more likely that it will be that you do not need to be saying anything to your siblings." The guy was telling Gabe, and then I was looking at him, and I was wishing I could be able to find something else to keep my mind on, to make it seem like I was not at all bothered on this.

Eventually, we were seeing the car parked somewhere remote and desolate, and I was unsure of what the hell to be saying now. I had no idea what the hell was even happening now. I was feeling like we just needed to find something else to be keeping this whole thing together. Then after this, that was when the guy and Gabe were taking off their seat belts, and I was glad to not be coming along for once. For once, I had been fully aware that this was the right choice.

Then Gabe looked right at me, and I was clearly seeing him looking like he was just feeling awful for all of this, and that he was wishing to be finding something to make us feel better on this. "Honestly, I think that it would be best to just stay here, and not be making it all come get even worse." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to be saying something else. But that he was just sort of accepting the fact that this was just going to be a big issue that we were going to get over in the long run.

Eventually, that was when the two guys were walking away, and I was feeling like I was going to be fine. I was just rubbing my eyes, and I was feeling like I needed to just try and sleep at this moment. As I was heading to sleep, to just pretend like this was all fine, I knew that if our parents saw what was happening, they would be pissed at Gabe, and I did not want to be getting him in trouble for any of what was going on at all as well.

...

-Dec 14 1993 11:40 pm- When I was getting ready to be going to be dthat night, I was realizing how overboard I had gotten in the last several days, and I was now totally willing to be letting my brother doing my own thing. I was in no mood to be dealing with this stuff anymore. I was in no mood to be trying to make my brother tell me shit. He was not wanting to do this. I was not wanting him to be doing this now. I was fucking over it, and that was the easiest way that I could describe it all.

But as I was planning on going to bed, I was seeing that Lydia was talking with somebody, and I was greatly interested in who this person was, and I was feeling like I just needed to see who this person was, and maybe when I would get to see her, I would be able to see what the appeal really was. "Hey Lydia, who are you hanging out with right now?" I asked, trying to be making it seem innocent enough. That was when Lydia was looking right at me, and she was clearly unsure of what to be telling me now.

"This is Claire. I met her today, and she is so cool already. I think you guys will love her." After Lydia was saying that to me, I was seeing her looking so damn happy at this whole thing, and I was feeling like maybe I needed to give this Claire girl a chance. If Lydia was willing to be hyping her up this much already, and making her feel better, I was feeling this was the least that I could be doing now

"Hey Jack, I saw you at school before. But I guess that you were always too busy being super popular doing your own thing." After Claire was saying this to me, I was looking right at Lydia, as if wondering what the heck she told Claire to be giving Claire this impression of me being super popular in a way. I did not want to be saying anything though. I was then sighing, feeling like I just needed to relax a bit longer.

"Alright, I think that you need to be a lot more realistic on what you are saying about me. There is nothing amazing about me at all." After I was saying this to her, I was looking right at her, and I was seeing Claire looking like this statement was not going to be bothering her too much. I was sighing, feeling like I was just needing to be finding a way to be making her feel like this was not the case. Since I did not want to be making her feel like she needed to live up to a fake name.

That was when there was a second part of me that was wanting to also take advantage of what she was saying about me. The fact that she was hyping me up as this super awesome person. I was feeling like maybe I was needing to be finding a way to actually make this seem to be totally real here.

"Yeah, I mean, I want to be super popular, and I guess that maybe for some people that are younger than me, I am totally going above and beyond this." I said, and then I was smiling at this, and I was looking like I was sort of wanting to be making it look like she was going to fall for me or something like that. To make it seem like I finally knew where this was actually going to head.

You are one of the coolest people in my eyes. All the times that you are going all out, and getting so good at basketball." After she was saying that to me, I was feeling like maybe she was pushing this a little bit beyond my comfort. That being said, I did not care. I was having a chance to get to know her or something like that at least, and I was feeling like maybe this was finally something that would make this whole thing at least sort of work out for the best.

"Well, I am wanting to make it onto the team, and I am just making it so that I can get there. I am willing to go above and beyond to make sure that the team works out well with me and stuff." I said, and then I was looking at Claire, seeing her sort of looking like she was feeling like I was doing a decent job. No matter how much she was not sure what to be feeling, I was seeing her wanting to be finding a bit more to keep it all up.

"I think that once I get in the team, everything is going to be the best for us all." I said, and then I was placing my arms together, sort of looking like I was now on top of the world. I was seeing her sort of looking like she was wanting to find something else to say. But she was just wanting to see how far she would be able to me on this whole thing, for better or for worse.

"If you want to watch some games, I will be fine with that. But first I will have to be making it on the team." I said, and then I was seeing Claire looking like this was the one thing that she was wanting more than anything else in the entire world. But then as I was looking at her, I was seeing her sort of looking like she was wishing to be finding something else to say, to make it seem like it was not going out of the water.

"That would be so much fun. I would love to be seeing you win us some good games. Our school needs some extra motivation to go above and beyond." Claire was telling me, and while it was feeling like there was some form of a pressure put onto me, I was feeling like this was the best that I could be doing. I was feeling like I just needed to finally remember what she was saying in my mind. I was looking down, wanting to be finding something else to say. I was feeling like I had a long way to be going now. I was then looking at Lydia and Claire, feeling like this was not only something I wanted. But something I needed. At least for now, this was going to be my calling. It was going to be the thing that would make me feel like I am doing something good. To make these girls feel like I am a hero now.]

...

-Dec 15 1993 1:15 am- I was walking along to my room, when I was seeing Gabe coming towards me. When he was seeing me, I was looking at him, and I was clearly able to tell that both of us were clearly just not wanting to talk about this at all. I was feeling like this was going to be the hardest thing in my entire life. I was feeling like I just needed to go on and get this whole thing over with it.

"Hey Jack, I think that maybe we need to talk about this whole thing a bit longer. I think that there are a lot of things that we need to discuss, because I think that you got yourself deep into something that I never really wished that could be done." After Gabe was telling me this, I was seeing him looking terrified right now. I was seeing him looking like he had just wanted to make me feel better. But at this point in time, I felt like this was the only chance that I had to make some sense out of this whole entire thing.

"I don't want anything to do with this right now. I think that if I were to even try and follow along with this whole thing, I would be making things so much worse." I said, and then I was looking at him, trying to be finding something to make me feel better about whatever the heck was going on at this point in time. I was just wishing that I could have made him better about what we were even going to do now.

"I know that you were going to be saying that. And it honestly makes me feel so much better that you are willing to admit that this whole thing was a bit ridiculous." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking at me, as if feeling like he was almost feeling a small amount of remorse for me, and was wanting to possibly make this whole thing work. We sat down on the kitchen chairs, looking at each other deeply.

"Well, it started when Ridge was first brought home. That feels so long ago already, even though it's only been about three weeks. When he was first brought home, things were just sort of normal, and nothing else really mattered in the long run. But that being said, I was forced to deal with something life changing, as you may be expecting. I was going to hang out with a friend when this happened." Gabe said, and then he was wondering what to be telling me now, how he was going to word it.

"The truth was that I was wanting to help you guys out by searching for some answer. I was learning that when I pursued some form of a light, that the light was pretty much going to be leading me to be aware of the fact that everything that my parents had told me were true. All of the stuff that is basically folk tale in this town." Gabe said, and I was confused as to why he was meaning any of this right now.

"Gabe, what exactly are you talking about? This whole thing is making no damn sense right now. Can you just tell me what you are meaning?" I asked, and then I was looking right at Gabe, wondering what the heck he was going to be coming from. I was feeling like knowing where he was coming from was much more important than anything else at the moment.

"Well, you were much too young, but in eighty six, there was a bunch of monster attacks that were going on. I did not think that they were literally monsters at first, even though there was no need for me to thinking these were not true. The only reason that I was feeling like this could not have been the case was because I was too scared to admit that something I thought could not have been true, was coming up here." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to find more to say, but had no clue where to be going now.

"What type of monster attacks? And what the hell does this have to do with the guys who are being really annoying and getting in your business on a non stop business?" I asked, feeling like I just needed to find some answer to be making this whole thing actually have some form of sense. None of this was making any sense, and I was not going to be hiding the fact that this was just really confusing me. And I needed to just know what to do now.

"Well, I can see why this could confuse you, and that was exactly what I was meaning about you being much too young, and it is not your fault at all. But the truth of the matter is that the reason those people are getting in my business is that they are directly connected to all of those sightings. Even if that sounds like it makes no sense." Gabe was telling me, and then he was looking like he was wishing to find something else to say to make sense of it.

"So basically it turns out that non natural life exists, and these people think that this is a good excuse to be getting in the business of our lives, and acting like they know better than we do on what we should be trying to do?" I asked, and I was getting kind of annoyed. Not at Gabe, since he was not the one running this whole thing. But the fact that these guys were basically acting like they were the ones who were going to be running the show in the long run.

"You see, in idea format, there is nothing wrong with what they are doing. I mean, they are just thinking that maybe helping out the town is the best that they can do, since they have no real clue what else to be doing here." After Gabe was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to be saying more. But that if he was wanting to say something else, I was just needing to try and get him to be more willing to give him a chance on this all.

"But do you think that he is going to be forcing you to let them know what you found? Is what you found genuinely important?" I was asking, letting the fear of god sort of get in my mind, and I was feeling like I just needed to find a way to be making this whole thing not get to me all that much. I was needing to know that my brother would be doing whatever it took to make sure we were going to be fine.

"They have been trying to get to know every single detail so far, and they want to make me give them the one thing that I can be able to use to defend myself, and as a result, defend the family. They do not realize how important something like this is, and as a result, they are never going to be fully supporting me for what I am trying to accomplish." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking terrified on what he was telling me, for some strange reason.

"Gabe, what exactly are you talking about? Can you please tell me what the heck is going on?" I asked, and I was barely holding my fear together, and I was wanting to make him finally open up more. But then he was just feeling like this was just the one thing that he had never wanted to discuss, and that he was feeling like this was entirely his fault for bringing me into this whole thing in the first place.

"I know that you would not believe me even if I were to try and tell you anyways. I mean, I want to tell you guys. But if I let you see this, and I let you have this, then I know for a fact that you will be letting the truth get in your mind. You will be going over the top on what the heck is going on. I am doing everything for your safety." Gabe was telling me, and when I was looking at him, I was seeing him being sincere about what he had been saying to me now.

"But do you think that everything you are doing is for the best?" I was asking him, and I was seeing him looking like he had not even wanted to be continuing this, and then I was standing up, placing my hands on my sides of my chest, and I was looking right at him. I was trying my best to be looking like I was going to be intimidating for his sake.

"The guy said he was going to be letting us talk with each other about it? Why are you going out of your way to not be letting me know the truth? I mean, he did say that we are not to spread a word about this to anybody else. But please just let me know what I can do to help out." I was holding my hands forward, and I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to be finding something else to say, to change how he was going to be looking at me here.

"Because I am scared that you are going to be telling everybody. I mean, I have nothing against you. But even if I told you everything, I am scared that the rest of the family will hear on this, and will try to be forcing us to tell them what is happening here." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to be finding something else to say, but was totally looking lost on what was going on.

"Look, I aware that this whole thing might be a bit strange. I think that you have every right to just tell me that I am unable to do something on the same league as you. But I feel like I need to at least try and make this whole thing work out as much as possible. I think that you are going to probably tell me that there is no real reaosn to believe that I can accomplish anything. I just want to help out in any way that I can." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering what the heck I was going to be even saying at this point in time.

"This is just something that I genuinely need to be thinking about more before I make a choice. I mean, I want to trust you enough. I want to trust you better. I feel like that is all that I want. But I feel like for the sake of helping our family, I sort of need to be doing whatever I can to make this whole thing better for us." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was in mental pain given what was even going on right now at that moment.

"I just think that the best that I can be able to do is keep my friends aware of what is happening. I already have been working on this before, so I doubt that they are going to be making a big deal out of this right now." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to be finding something else to say, to keep him going. But he was clearly looking like he was just wanting to be leaving the whole thing alone for the time being.

"But Gabe, the man told us not to be telling anybody else this. You go around, and tell me that I have no right to be telling anybody, but then here you are, going around, and telling your friends as if nothing was wrong at all." I said, and then I was looking right at my brother, and I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to be saying more. He was clearly looking worried about the way that I was going to be reacting right now. But the way that he was looking at me was clearly showing that he had no idea what to be feeling right now at that moment.

"I already was working with them before he even met me. I think that this whole thing is much different. The fucking guy was coming along later, and I had already brought them into this whole thing, and I trust them because I have been working on this whole thing a bit longer." After Gabe was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was scared out of his mind, wanting to be finding something else to say, but clearly had no idea what the heck was going on now.

"Do you think that they even support what you are doing? I think that something like this is much more important. You go on and talk about what is important, but then you fucking talk with people who might not even be on your side." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was feeling a bit bad at this whole thing. Like he had wanted to be saying more. But just could not find a fucking way to do something like this at all.

"I know that they have some issues with what I am doing. But they know that I am meaning well, and that I am doing the best that I can. They know that I am having decent intentions, and that is the main reason they have been working with me in the first place." He was telling me, and then I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say more, but just felt like it did not even fucking matter what was going on anymore.

"I want to know if you are aware what you are getting yourself into. I feel like there are a lot of things about this that are making me feel like this is a terrible idea." I had been saying, shaking my head non stop, feeling like I was just needing to be finding something else to say. Something to sort of make it clear that I was not going to be messing around with this whole situation. Gabe was just rubbing his eyes a bit more.

"I am aware of what is going on right now. I think that when I am thinking about how aware that I am, the whole thing is just a bit scary. The whole fact that I got myself into a ordeal that I never wanted to even consider to be possible, and have been pretty much forced to lie to you guys, makes me feel like a fucking piece of shit." Gabe was saying to me, and I was seeing him wanting to say more to deface himself. But he was feeling like if he had done more, his entire point would have been made already.

"I am sorry that I have been saying all of this stuff to you right now. I mean, I can see from the look on your face that you are not super excited to be dealing with this. I know that I should be giving you more of a break. I want to feel better here. I just feel like I need to know if you have any plans here." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was just wishing to be finding more to continue this debate, or if he was kind of over with this whole thing now.

"I want to do something good for once in my entire life. I mean, that is all that I want. To finally just do something that I feel like is going to show people that I want to do something good. I feel like when I think about all of the solutions, I feel like I just have done nothing right." Gabe was saying, clearly looking sad over everything he was saying, and over it all.

After Gabe was shaking his head, and then he was wanting to just say something to make me feel better, I was feeling like he was going to be near his breaking point. I wanted to make him feel better. Doing that would have made him clearly just be tired of me, and I was clearly wanting him to not be feeling like this was just pushing him too far on this.

"Sorry for everything. I honestly mean that. The way that I act, and the way that I treat you guys is a bit rude. I know that you are not going to be feeling any different by me saying this. But I just wish that I could have said more. But you know, I want you to feel like you can trust me. After all, I am still your older brother. I want you to feel like you can see me as the trusting brother who does not do anything wrong." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him wishing to say something else. But he was wishing that the longer he was speaking, the worse that he was feeling here.

"You do not need to worry about it. I mean, even if you lying to me pissed me off, even if it makes me feel like you do not care, I know that you are just trying your best to help. I know that you do care, and that you want to just make sure that we are doing well." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering what the heck I was going to be saying to him now. He was wishing to finding more to say to change this now.

I was feeling like one of these days, I was needing to be more careful on what I was going to be speaking to him over. "Hey Gabe, trust me when I do say that I do not want to let anybody else know about this. I think that if I can give you one sweet mercy, it is that. I do not want to make everybody else know what is happening here." I said, and then I was seeing him wishing to find more to keep me going. But then he was just sort of feeling like we were both getting worse, and that this was hurting both of us too much in a way.

"I wish that none of this ever happened. That is the only thing that I can be able to say right now. If none of this ever happened, everything could be so much better. Everything about this family would be coming together to finally work out in our favor." He was saying, and then he was glancing at me, and I was seeing him looking like he was just feeling like we were all good and fine now, and then we needed to see what was happening now.

We hugged each other, and after we were done with that, that was when I went down stairs, and I was looking right at Gabe as he was going to his room. I was sighing in relief, knowing that he was still trusting me in his own way. I was feeling like this was the only thing that can change how it was all going to work. But he was off on his own, and there was not a fucking thing that he could do about this. And I was feeling like I just needed to grow up, and let him be doing his own thing. I needed to get on the team, and let that be the one thing that can keep me focused on just improving my fucking life though.

...

-Dec 15 1993 3:09 pm- I was seeing Max after school, and I was doing my best to be putting everything from last night behind me. I was over this shit, and I was wanting to place this whole thing behind me, and I was tired of it all. I was wanting to make her feel better, Claire I mean, since she was clearly just wanting to make me feel like I had been going on top of the world and stuff. I just feel like I need to finally bring it all together.

I was then looking at him, wondering what the heck to say to that man. "Honestly, I mean, she means well and stuff, but I feel like I am going to be letting her down here. I feel like I made a big mistake by telling her all of this stuff, and I feel like I should have been more honest with her on what was going on here, and then we would be able to make this come together better." I was saying, and then I was wondering what the heck we were going to be doing now.

"I think that as long as you have somebody who is a fan of you, then I think you need to just be happy that at least somebody cares about you." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he had wished to be finding something to make him feel like he was able to see what the issue to all of this would have been. The whole thing was just a bit hard to really comprehend, for better or for worse.

"I think that now I have no choice but to be making it onto the team. I mean, after everything that had been going on, I feel like this is the least that I can be able to do about this whole thing. I think that no matter what I have ahead of me, I am going to have to be going above and beyond, and just make it fucking work." I said, and then I was just sort of feeling like I was going to be gone now.

"Honestly, I think that you are probably thinking a bit too deeply into this whole thing. I think that you are just needing to think about how you are even going to be making this whole application even come together." After he was telling me this, I was looking at Max, and I was seeing him sort of wanting to be finding more to say. But I was seeing him just clearly wishing to find something else to say.

I was grabbing the basketball and then I was holding it for a couple of seconds. "I would rather be doing that than dealing with my annoying older brother. You know, somebody who has basically been going behind our backs non stop." I was saying, and then I was feeling like I just needed to be getting through with this, no matter what was happening. That was when Max was looking like he was just a bit confused at this entire thing.

"What has your older brother been doing to piss you off so badly?" He asked, and I was seeing him looking like he was slightly worried on what I was meaning, and I was seeing that there was a part of him that was looking like he was wanting to be making me feel better. But he was feeling like he was just needing to see what the heck I was going to be able to do to make this whole thing actually come together.

"He has been doing too much for me to really even describe." I said, and then I was shaking my head, sort of remembering the fucking conversation, and was needing to remember the fucking promise that I had made. I mean, I wanted to know the truth from my brother. But the thing is that I needed to keep my fuck ing friends or family out of this. At least, for the time being, I needed to remember the issues that were ahead of me.

"I am just thinking that if he wants to talk with us, and try and get to know what we are doing, then everybody is going to be sort of feeling like he had pushed it too far, and that he has made the wrong choices." I said, throwing the ball through the hoop, and then I was seeing the ball going down to the ground, and I did it a couple of more times before I was looking right at Max, wondering what the heck I was going to be saying to him now.

"I just think that maybe he will be fine enough. I think that you do not need to worry about any of this." After Max was telling me that, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to be saying more. But he was grabbing the ball after I was holding it out to him, and I was seeing him looking unsure of what he was going to perform at this rate. Then I was seeing him looking a bit scared of how to be feeling, and that he just needed to give it a try.

Eventually, he was taking a deep breath, and then he threw it, and while he did miss, he was actually hitting the hoop at least. Which meant that he was getting better at this whole thing, and he was clearly at least trying to make it all better for us and stuff. After Max was done with all of this, I was feeling like I just needed to find something to make him feel like he was not only actually improving, but that he was not even really wrong about the way he was going at this.

Eventually, I was seeing him waiting for a couple of seconds, and then he was sighing a bit longer, and then he was throwing the ball again, and it took another try after that, but on the fourth attempt he did make it. Then he had the luck of getting a second attempt that did make it. Then I was grabbing the ball again, and I was starting to throw it more again to improve once more. "Honestly, I think that you are getting better, and while I think you do have some stuff you can be able to do to make it better, I think that you are getting something going now." I said, and then I was looking right at him, wondering what he was going to be telling me now.

"I think that if I were to talk to my brother again, like I did last night, he would just reject the idea, and I was feeling like he was needing to be more open with me. He was clearly not wanting to do something like that. He does not care for our family, and I think that he is just on his own path now." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to put together something else to make it all come together.

"I mean, I think that you should just focus on the team. I mean, if you think more and more about your family, I feel like you will be feeling sort of betrayed on this whole thing. I mean, I am not too smart, but I think that I am smart enough to see the look on your face in the long run." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to be saying more. But he was just worried on what the hell I was even having ahead of me now.

"I know that the longer I think about my family, the more likely that I am going to be just fucking sick of them. I mean, I know that they deserve some form of a chance, to be doing their own thing. But a detail or two every once in a while would not be so bad." I said, sort of feeling like I was needing to find something else to make it look like I was not being able to make it seem like it was all that big of a deal here.

"Is this why you are always trying to get on the team in the first place? I mean, the team is something that you always look like you are really interested in. But the truth is that you are always down there, and stay here for like almost two hours a day." After Max was asking me this, I was seeing the look on his face looking like he was just needing to see me break, and be honest over what was going on. I was thinking on it longer here.

"The thing is that when I am here, the longer that I will feel at peace. I never thought that being at school, well the after school practice bit, is the main thing that makes me feel calm and quiet. Always having something going on all the time is just a bit annoying some times, and I wish that I could just be able to express my worry for my family every once in a while." I said, and then I was looking at Max, feeling like he was going to refuse to understand what I was meaning here.

Eventually, I was looking right at Max, feeling like I was just needing to be finding something else to say to make him feel like I was not too focused on making this whole thing much worse in the long run. "Hey Max, what makes you stay around anyways? I mean, I already gave my reason, but you just seem to stay around, and be cool with this." I said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to be finding something to say to make it seem genuine.

"Honestly, I just like being here to try and practice, and if I make it onto the team, then I feel like I need to find a way to be getting up on stage, and showing the team that I am able to handle myself." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wishing to be finding something better to say, but did not really have any good response to my question I asked him now.

"I want to find a way to make the team, and then once I am on the team, I might be a bot more relaxed on this, but I will be chill with what I am doing then. Because there will be no point in taking this whole thing too seriously." After Max said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more, but just could not really even find a way to make it work out.

"I will think that it is going to be kind of cool if I go up and actually get on the team as well. I mean, the team is something that I really want more than anything else in the world. But in all honesty, I just think that I will have to be focusing on winning these games, since if I can win a game or two, then everybody will fucking love me, and I will be getting up there more." I said, and then I was thinking on what it would be like to be the fucking most popular person in the team, and there fore become the star that Claire was wanting me to be, and then I would fit the narrative.

"I mean, I know nothing about that girl, but she clearly thinks that I am something better than I am. And I feel like I might be needing to finally go on and prove that idea a bit more. I think that I will just need to go up there, and prove to people that I know what the heck I am doing, and I will be able to make the team like me, and then Claire will spread the stories about me." I said, and then I was wondering why I was caring so much what Claire was thinking of me here.

"Do you have any idea on what she will be telling people when you go up there?" Max asked me, and I was seeing him looking like he was seeming to have some minor interest in this stuff, but I was feeling like I just needed to find a way to make him sort of see where I was coming from in the long run. I was then thinking about how much I was speaking to him on this whole thing, and why I was actually trying to be reaching out to him in the long run to this extent.

"I think that she will just tell the people in her grade what is going on, and some might be taking this seriously. I want to become the man that the school can hope on. I mean, I am being silly. I know that I am being silly. But I feel like I am finally going to be having a chance, and I feel like that is the only thing that really matters." I said, and then I was thinking about what I was doing as I landed another couple of throws, feeling like maybe I was just needing to find more to keep it together, and not make things any worse for me.

"I just wish that I am able to make people get you on the team. Maybe when you get on the team, I will at least have somebody at my side will be able to make this less stressful. I mean, sure you might not be the guy that everybody loves on the team, but I think you might be able to make it at least sort of interesting right now." I said, and then I was sort of wondering what the heck he was going to be saying to me there. I was feeling like he was wanting to say more, but he was wishing to find something else to tell me to make it different.

"I think that something like this might not really be possible. You know, I think that I am going to have to just see that I am probably not going to be getting on it. Who knows, there might be one or two people who are just even worse than me to make it all work out." After Max was saying all of that to me, I was seeing him wanting to be not

"I just want to make the greatest I can out of my team, and my time in this school. I mean, I really don't want to finish up my time at school, and then feel like I sort of wasted it away. I feel like first and second grades were kind of wasted, and I feel like when I am here, and I am at least trying to do something, that I don't really feel like I am making a huge mistake here." I was saying, feeling like I needed to just find something else to say to make it better.

"I mean, when I go to school, and then see my other siblings doing so much better than me, I feel like everything is just going to be thrown away." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to be finding something different here. I was feeling like no matter what the heck I was going to say, nothing else would matter at all. I was wishing to be able to make Max sort of see where I was coming from in this whole thing.

"Well, I mean, you are hanging out with people who seem to be fine with you. I think that this is fine enough for now. You do not need to be worried about something like this too badly." After I was seeing Max telling me this, I was sort of looking at him, and I was just sort of wanting to be finding something else to tell him. I was worried about what the heck was even going on. I was feeling like nothing else even mattered.

"I know that I could be having it much worse than I already have been. That does not mean that I am totally fine with it all. I just sort of wish that I could be able to have something better for me." I said, and then I was sighing, feeling like I was needing to be finding something better to say now. I was wanting to be making something work out. But I just could not get it in myself to do any of this anymore.

"I hope that you do not mind bringing your family along to the games. I mean, from what I can tell, it feels like Lydia and Claire might be wanting to go on and see what the games are like, and they might be cheering you on here." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking at me, and I was wondering what the heck I was going to be doing now.

"I guess that I do not mind them coming along. I just do not want them to be showing up, cheering me on, and then they are going to be hugely let down and stuff. I feel like if they are going to see that, they are going to be making this whole thing seem much worse." I said, and I was feeling like this whole thing was just going to be a giant waste of time, and I knew that he was never going to truly see where I would be fully coming from here.

"They will be having some fun with this all. I doubt that they are going to be too serious about this. Sure they might be a bit let down, but I think they will get over it soon enough." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking totally serious about this whole thing. But I was feeling like this was just going to be a bit rough, and I was just kind of looking like I needed to find something better to be saying or conveying now.

"Yeah, maybe that is true. I just feel like the worst that could come along is maybe some people might be laughing at you, but I think that you will probably be fine enough with how it all is." After he was telling me this, I was just then thinking about what was going on at this point in time. But I was feeling like it was just a bit off. I was hating everything that was going on now.

"I think that we have gone enough for today, and we can practice again tomorrow or something." I said, and then I was letting both of us do about five more minutes of practicing, and then we were heading on to my house, and I was feeling like when I was done with this whole thing, I would be feeling a bit better. I was feeling like this was all that I was going to truly want right now. I was worried about everything that was going on at this point. Feeling just sort of lost now.

...

-Dec 15 1993 5:40 pm- I was home that night, and then I was inside of my room, wondering what the heck I was going to be doing now. I was feeling like there was virtually nothing else that I needed to be too worried about here. I was just sort of wanting to talk with Lydia about Claire, but at the same time, I was feeling like there was virtually no need to be doing something like this. I mean, I did not want to be letting Claire down. Even if she did not get it at all.

I was feeling like I needed to let her be on her own, and I needed to let her be making this narrative of me. Not only because I felt like not letting her have it would be mean, but at the same time, I was sort of just wanting to see how far it would be going, and how much I was going to be able to make things go before I would either let her down, or be forced to live up to the myth as well.

As I was thinking about what I had been planning on telling her, I was feeling like I was just needing to be making this actually have any form of a feasible chance of working out. I was needing to just get along with this, and I was needing to be seeing what the hell the main issue would have been. I was needing to be finding something that could make the whole path be able to finally give me a coherent answer.

I was about to be putting it all behind me, and just act like I was kind of done with this whole thing when I was seeing Henry coming by. He was looking at me, and I was clearly seeing him wanting to ask me a bunch of questions, and I knew that no matter what I told him, he was going to be unable to really leave the whole thing alone. I was feeling like maybe I was just needing to maybe lie to him or something to keep him out of this.

"What the heck is going on right now? I mean, you want to help with Gabe, but you are not even talking with him. I mean, you hyped up this whole thing as a great idea, but now that there is nothing you are doing, I feel like you are sort of missing out on what you were supposed to be doing." Henry was saying to me, and I was seeing him looking like he had wished to be learning more from me. But I was too worried about this all.

"I mean, I just tried to reach out to him, and when I was trying to talk with him, I was seeing that he was not really in the mood to be reaching out to me. I was feeling like maybe talking with him would have changed it all. But I guess that nothing else even matters anymore." I said, and then I was just sort of wanting to be letting this go, but I had no real idea what even mattered at all.

"I wanted to help him out, and I was wanting to be making him feel better. But now that he had talked with me some bit on this, and heard my side of things, I just feel like nothing else even matters. I wanted to make him feel better. But it does not even fucking matter." I said, and then I was shaking my head, wondering what the heck I was even going to be saying now. I was really wanting to get some more ideas on where to go. But I was feeling like it just did not even matter if I said more or less.

"I mean, when I see how he is doing, and he is just on his own, and not really wanting to get some help, I just feel like I need to be letting him go. I need to be letting him do his own thing. I mean, he is eighteen years old. He is able to pretty much do anything he wants. He's like ancient after all." I said, and then I was thinking that the idea of reaching eighteen was just going to be fucking impossible. I was thinking that I needed to just accept that Gabe and I were never going to be fully in sync now.

"Just don't get too deep into this whole thing. It seems like this is something that is too far out of my idea of understanding." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing Henry looking like he was wanting to say more. I was seeing him clearly just looking a bit lost, and I was feeling like maybe I was needing to find something more fun for Henry and I to discuss now. I wished to find a way to get Henry to know what I was feeling right now. I was wanting to just find literally anything to make it better for us.

"I think that if I were to get too deep into this, then I will be feeling like I just failed at everything." I said, and then I was shaking my head, and then I was feeling like maybe I was going to be needing to find a better way out of this whole thing. I was feeling like I was going to be sort of out of the fucking road. I was wishing to be finding some answers that could make my family feel better, to feel safe. But when such a thing was going on, I was going to just need to be following what I was feeling like could have been a much better path way.

"I just want to know what the heck made you even want to be getting into this whole thing in the first place? I mean, was it really all that big of a deal, or did you just feel like you were going to be getting something, and only now realize that this was not going to happen." After Henry was saying this to me, I was feeling so fucking lost on everything that was going on, and I was feeling like I needed to sort of know what the heck was even going to be going on here.

"I was just thinking that doing so would have been able to provide some real answers to help us sort of know what the heck was going on. I mean, I should have just been more careful I guess. But I was thinking that he could have been able to open up about something like this." I said, and then I was looking right at Henry, wondering what the heck we were going to be saying to change the way we were looking at this.

"I just wanted to help out. I felt like helping out would have made a difference. I guess that it does not really make any difference now. I just feel so fucking lost right now. I wanted to be a helpful brother, and then when I look at everything that is going on, I feel like none of what I have been doing was going to help him out. But I just wanted to help out as much as possible. I wanted to make my brother care." I said, and then I was feeling like all of this was going to just be sort of tone deaf to Henry, but in a way I was not caring all that much.

"Hell, if I knew what I was going to do to just make sure that nothing happened to you guys, then I feel like that would have been enough for me. But I think that maybe what he has been doing was correct anyways. I mean, maybe it is best to not be forced to listen to what the heck he was wanting to be keeping hidden." I was saying, and then I was just sort of feeling like maybe I was losing my process here, and that I was just sort of wasting time now.

"Henry, I feel like maybe I am just needing to focus on the more fun things, and when I do that, I can actually help my friends maybe get on the team or something. I think that the idea of getting on the team is something that I can indeed make a change on, and none of this bullshit of fighting with Gabe on this whole thing. I mean, he already made his point, and I am not going to fucking get in his way anymore on this." I was then thinking about what I was telling Gabe, to be making this whole thing feel differently.

"Well, I hope that nothing happens to you. I mean, even if sometimes you can be a bit hard, I do not want anything to happen to you. I mean, I just wish that I knew what you were going to try and accomplish, and maybe I can help you out." After he was saying this, I was feeling like I was just needing to find something to tell Henry, or if I knew what he was indicating by saying all of this.

I was feeling like the fact that I was telling all of this to Henry, and the fact that I was in any way flirting with the idea of making him be involved with hearing what I was dealing with, it was making me feel like a piece of shit, and I was feeling like I needed to find a way to get him out of this. Or if any of this even mattered anymore. I was feeling like I just needed to find a way to get Henry to see why this was something I was so worried of anyways.

"I am sorry that I am not telling you all that many things. I just wish that I could be able to give you more. But I feel like if I were to say anything else, you would be rubbing it off, and you would be thinking I am probably insane." I said, and then I was thinking about how I was going to be able keep this up, and keep him thinking that none of what I was saying was too strange. But that was just looking to be fucking impossible.

"I mean, I think that when I say stuff like this, it does make me a bit of a hypocrite, since I was always talking about why he was wrong for treating us like this, and then here I am, acting like this was something that should have been done from the first day. I feel like I am being a bit of a confusing fellow to follow. I just wish that I knew what I was doing now." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to be finding something else to say, to make it all different.

"But Jack, what are you going to be saying to him? Do you think that you will be speaking to him more, or have you sort of just given up on all of this? I mean, I feel like something like this is more important. You know, finding out what your major plans are going to be, and if you really even have one to start with?" After he was asking me all of this, I was seeing him clearly wanting to see me come up with an answer, and not be fucking around. But I truly had no response, and I was feeling like I was going to be finding something that was going to make this whole situation come back together. I just needed to find something to get Henry to be thinking of something else to say, to get him off of this.

"I am going to be leaving this alone. I was thinking that I could be ready for this. But I am not ready for any of this. I am totally over this. I need to find something else to say to keep myself feeling like I have any form of a life here." I said, and then I was feeling like maybe I was just saying something stupid. But I did not give a shit. I was just feeling like maybe if I could try to talk more, I was only going to make things worse for us all.

"I think that if I wanted to find a better answer here, I will just be going out to actually make this work. But I just don't care anymore. I am fucking done with this. I just want to move on with my fucking life now. He doesn't want me to help, and I am sort of just over it." I said, and then I was shaking my head, feeling like there was nothing else to be saying now. I was just hoping that maybe Henry was going to be seeing what I was feeling, and not be getting in my business on this. That he was going to just let me capture the loss of the expressions I was having right now.

"Well, I hope that you enjoy the team." Henry said, and I knew that he was just trying to find a way to make the whole thing seem less of an issue right now. I was feeling like if I was going to be saying anything else, then neither one of us will be getting any form of enjoyment out of this, and that we had more than made our points right now, for better or for worse.

With that, Henry was heading on down to his room, and when this was happening, I was feeling like there was a small part of me that needed to be there for him when it was his birthday coming up. That I was feeling like this was the only thing that mattered. I was feeling like when I was going to be helping him for his birthday, then everything would be like it was all for not, and that I would be almost happy with everything that had been going on now.

...

-Dec 16 1993 12:11 am- I was starting to sort of accept the fact that in a way, the entire fucking thing I was dealing with was a fucking joke. I mean, I know that it sounds a bit edgy to say such things, but how the fuck was I not going to be like this, when I was looking at and everything that had been going on around me in the first place. It was too much for me to just brush off, and act like was no small matter. But here I was, sort of needing to accept the fact that I was on my own, and that in a way, I was needing to just be fine with such a thing. I needed to not be making a issue out of things that were not in my power.

I was wanting to be there for my family, but it was very clear that they wanted nothing to do with me here. They were not wanting me to help them out, and I was going to be on my own. Which was why I was needing to focus on the whole thing with the sport team, since I was genuinely feeling like that was going to sort of be my one chance to be able to do something right here.

I was feeling like maybe when I knew all of this stuff, and I was going to be looking at the sports, I was needing to be finding something that could have been able to finally put a end to my quest to do something important. If I join the team, and not only join the team, but be good on it, then I would become more than just somebody my siblings can appreciate. I was going to be able to be a man who would finally go on and become a sign of hope for my school. As strange as it sounded, as hard as it might have sounded, and as much as it might have been a work load on its own to do this, it was something I was needing to at least look into here.

I was thinking that if I was to do this, then everything with my older brothers was just going to be a thing in the past, and that was something I was needing to just sort of not really think on anymore. I was feeling like if I had thought on it too much, I would be going insane, and I would sort of just be losing focus on the one thing that truly mattered more than anything else. I was feeling like when I was going to be done with this whole situation, I was finally going to start to be happier with myself, and not be getting it off the wrong foot now.

I had to be thinking long and hard on everything that was going on in my own right, and I was needing to be at least sort of actually smart on all of this, and I was feeling like nothing else I was even aware of would have been an issue. I was going to need to find some solid time to just fucking sit somewhere, or to just practice, and then everything was going to be alright. I was needing to finally just sort of put it all behind me, and not be getting this too fucking troubled.

When I was working on my goals, and I was going to just be sort of showing people what I was wanting to do, I was going to be able to make people see that I was not really aware of what the thing with them was, and I was not even going to be angry at them. They did not need to be having me on their fucking ass because of this whole thing. I was feeling like such a thing was just going to be a waste of my time, and I was not wanting to waste my time. I was wanting to actually do stuff that I had felt like I could have made a difference on.

I was not going to be holding back anymore. I was going to just purely focus on the one thing that I had felt like mattered. I was going to be focusing on what I had felt like would have truly gotten me somewhere. When I was going to do that, then maybe I could be getting somewhere now. Maybe I could be doing something that I knew was not going to be too far gone. I was not really wanting to get people to be feeling like I was going to be a bit dramatic. But I was not going to be holding back with this. Being dramatic was the only way that I was going to truly be the man that I was needing to be.

As I was feeling that in my mind, I was so happy to finally know how I was going to be doing. I was thinking that I was going to finally get somewhere in the long run. I was feeling like I was just going to be sort of getting all of my stuff put together. I was just thinking about what the hell my friends and I was dealing with. I was over the whole thing, and I was over the way that I was going to be looking at all of this. I was wanting my family to know that when I was talking with Lydia next, it was not going to be out of petty competition, it was going to be out of making sure that she was going to be seeing where I was coming from, and then being the one who would make a difference.

I was going to be walking down the path of making sure that what I was doing was going to matter. Even if it was small. Even if it was going to be simple. It was going to be the way that I was going to be handling all of this stuff. I was feeling like when this was going to finally make some sense, and that I was finally finding my calling, and that my final choice was now going to be made.

I was feeling like everything was making some fucking sense. I was finally feeling like I was going to be finding the one way that I was going to be making this whole shit show worth it. I was going to be doing this, and I was going to be making it all worth it. I was going to be showing the people that I was going to be able to get something good out of something terrible, and not be making a issue out of this whole entire thing.

I was going to be going to bed now. I was going to be remembering that all. I was going to be letting that be the one thing that would stop me from going down this path. I was going to go to bed, and I was going to be thinkng it all through, and I was going to be glad for my fucking answers here. I was now going to be making things matter, and then everything was going to be sort of a giant mess that I would put behind me forever.

Chapter Text

-Lydia's POV Dec 14 1993 4:00 pm- I was about ready to be heading home, and just dealing with my loud and annoying family, who never seemed to give me a moment to myself, when something much more exciting and nice happened to me that day. Something that I was really not expecting, but had no objection over whatsoever. That was the fact that I had met somebody who was going to start to slowly become a possible friend of mine, once I would finally get to know them a bit more in the long run.

So it started when I was packing up my stuff at the end of the day, and I was about to head on home, and be taking it as another day. I mean, it wasn't like I did not have any friends or anything. I wasn't like Seth or anybody like that. I was just somebody who had no friends that could be able to hang out after school, making it so that the only thing that I had every day was just going home.

But I was not going to let that get in my way too much, since I had so much that I had wanted to do. I had so much that I felt like I was going to be able to do to make me feel happier if I were to actually go out and do something with my time. But there was a girl who was coming up to me. For once, somebody who was wanting to talk to me, and not one of my brothers approaching the other person. Which was strange, since I think the only one who did not do that so far was Gabe.

She was looking kind of happy, while also kind of nervous. I knew that whatever was in her mind, she was not quite wanting to say it, in worrying how I was going to be reacting. I had no idea what the issue was. But at the same time, I had no desire to force her to be feeling anything if she was clearly just not in the mindset right now.

"So I've seen you around school lately, and you look kind of cool. Would you be willing to go on and hang out or something like that?" She asked me, and I was seeing her looking truly unsure of what she was going to tell me. She was probably just wishing that I was not going to be too rough with her. Thinking that maybe I would be as calm and nice to her as I possibly could. I thought that she was being too worried on this, and I decided that I would try to make her feel better.

"I am doing alright. I mean, I don't really have anything exciting going on, if that is what you are meaning." I said, and then I was looking at her, wondering what the heck I was going to be saying. I was not ready for somebody new to approach me, and I was feeling like I was constantly needing to be on the ready no matter what was happening. "I mean, I doubt that it would be a good idea to hang out." I said, thinking of my siblings.

"Why would you say that?" She asked, and I was clearly seeing her look almost kind of sad at that idea. Almost like she was wishing that I would not have said anything like that. And seeing the way she was feeling, and seeing her clearly looking like she had wanted to get closer to me, I was sort of feeling bad for it all. But I had no idea what to tell her now.

"Well, when you have ten brothers at my house, and they are all crazy, it would be kind of hard to get used to something like that. Sometimes it's a bit hard for me." I said and then I was looking right at her, ready to see her tell me how crazy I was for having so many siblings, and that she would just tell me off, and act like this was probably not going to work after all.

Instead, she was just giving me a simple response that I was not expecting, but was probably going to show that maybe she was going to be fitting right in, and that I did not need to worry about it so much. "How do you have so many siblings anyways? How does your family handle all that stress? That seems almost too exciting to handle." She said, and then I was laughing at that, thinking that she was partially correct with this.

"Seriously, right? I mean, there is just so many things that are going on that it is much too hard to really be able to keep track of all at once. I mean, I want to go on and hang out with some people, but I can't do that without having like a mini tornado coming along and just making it impossible." I said, and then I was laughing at that, wondering what the heck I was needing to say now to keep the conversation going.

"I mean, they are nice and all, I will give them that. There is nothing wrong with them trying to be there for me. But this is sometimes a bit much to handle, and as a result, I often times feel a bit overwhelmed by something going on right now." I said, and then I was looking right at her, wondering if she had any insightful opinions on this.

"Anyways, what is your name? I'm Lydia. The middle one of the bunch. And sadly the only girl." I said, thinking about how it was somewhat of a shame that there wasn't even at least one other in the house, and how much I would have loved having at least one sister in there, to sort of make me happier. To make me feel like there was some form of connection I could make.

"I'm Claire. I'm an only child. I can't even imagine what it would be like having ten siblings at all." She said, and then I was seeing her looking like her mind was about to explode over the mere thought of such a thing. I was laughing at that, thinking that as long as we kept it simple enough, we would be able to keep something going on for a while longer.

"Well, if you ever do show up at my house at any point, then I think that you can always be able to go on and ask them how it is like. I am certain that they would love to go on and give you their perspective on the matter." I said, and then I was shaking my head, feeling like the idea of letting them meet Claire so fast was probably a terrible idea, and I was thinking that maybe I needed to be thinking of a better way to be getting them in the swing of things.

"That sounds like it would be a lot of fun. And maybe they can be nice to me, and then I can go on and fall in love." Claire said, and then I was looking at her, as if thinking that she was going off of the rails just a little bit, and that she needed to get brought back down to reality, and not go around, making this too strange for me. But despite the way she was looking, I could see that she was mostly meaning well.

"Yeah, maybe not so much the whole falling in love part, but I can see how such a thing can actually be kind of fun." I said, and then I was shaking my head, feeling like I already made a giant mistake by doing this. Maybe it was my fault, and not the others, that we never hung out after school. Because I was too scared to show them to my brothers, and make things worse.

"I mean, there surely must be at least one who is really nice to me and stuff?" She asked, totally innocently, and I was thinking that maybe there was some level of truth to that idea, and that the worst that would come out of this whole thing was just the strange connections at first. But that I would probably be over it soon enough. Since it really was not that big of a deal.

"Well, I mean, I guess there is nothing wrong with trying it out. I mean, there surely must be at least one who is going to be treating you nicely." I said, and then I was thinking about what I had said, and I was thinking about how much more she was going to be wanting from me. I was feeling like I was going to have to be patient with her. And that I was going to need to sort of bring her along through it all.

"Wait a second, isn't one of them that basketball star Jack? I think I've seen your guys last name, and now that I think about it, I think I seen you two around for a bit some times." Claire said, and I was so shocked to be hearing her call Jack of all people a star, when he was barely starting. But once I rebounded from the statement, I would answer her question the way that she was wanting from me now.

"Honestly, I think you might be over selling him a bit. I mean, he just started and all. But yes, he is the one who is trying to become the basketball star. So you are not entirely off, I guess." I was saying, thinking about what I had just said, and the fact that this was something that I was even needing to debate in the first place anyways. "We do hang out sometimes during school. Probably once every two weeks or something."

"Well, I mean, I could not even imagine what it would be like to be as good as him. Always going up there, and getting several shots, from what I have seen." She was telling me, and I was wondering what the heck she was going off from now. Not even the whole thing where she was calling him a star. Wondering how she was even seeing this stuff anyways. But before I could ask, she was almost clearing it up right away.

"You do realize that in the last several days, he has been going down and practicing down there? At the school gym. I am surprised that you have barely been down there, or being there with him when he does something like this." After Claire said that to me, I was sighing, thinking that she was partially right. After all, there was some level of truth to what she had been saying just now. And I was kind of annoyed with how aware she was.

"He has done it sometimes. But I barely go down there. I don't even know how often he does it. I bet that even if I did go down there, he would be annoyed with me being there, and he would try to get me away from the place. So I think that in a way, I might be doing him a favor." I said, and then I looked right at her, wondering what she would try to tell me there, if anything at all.

"Well, I think that maybe he might appreciate that somebody could be down there cheering him on every once in a while." She said, and I was feeling like maybe we needed to change the topic from my brothers. Or at least change it away from him specifically. Because if she did not stop, she would start to make me feel bad about this.

"Well, maybe if you wanted to see what it is like there, I can take you to the house. They might be a bit confused to see you though. Will probably try way too hard to get to know you." I said, and then I was just trying to make it seem funny. But she was almost looking like she was going to be fine with such a thing. I was feeling like maybe I was going to have to find a better way to be getting her off of this idea. But that until then, I might as well at least let her have a chance to go and check it out.

"That would be awesome. Then I can go on and talk to my parents about how awesome it is to go on and make some new friends. To make several of them all at once." She was saying, and then I was sighing, feeling like if this was going to be the way she would go at this, she might be having a easy time fitting in after all, and that maybe I was not giving her enough credit after all given the circumstance.

"Well, I think that something like this could indeed be rather interesting to go on and see." I said, and then I was feeling like I was going to be having a long way to go on this, and that the longer that I was entertaining this idea, the harder that it would be to fully live up to it, and then she would be let down when it did not live up to what she had wanted.

"Well, I want to go on and see if maybe they would be cool with maybe showing me some of the stuff that they might be interested in." Claire said, and then I was feeling like this was a much more feasible goal, and something that I felt like they might be more than willing to be doing with her, and I was feeling like maybe if she had said that from the start, then we could have been onto something a bit better here.

"Well, I think that maybe I can go on and try to get some of them to be more open to this idea. I feel like there certainly will be at least one who will be interested in something like this." I said, and the thing was that at that moment, I was meaning what I had bee saying. I was not even just saying that to make her feel better. I mean, if I was going to be going on to hang out with her, I was thinking that this idea needed to be coming out the best that it could.

"I think that what I can do is go on and see if they will be willing to go on and speak with you for a bit. I think that if you just go on and talk with them for a bit, and see what they are into, then I think that surely enough, they will start to be able to get a move on with accepting you as fast as possible." As I was saying this, I was seeing her looking like she was feeling like this was a plan that was going to be worth trying out at least. I was confused as to why she would care so much on something like this in the first place. When she had never met them in the first place.

I was just hoping deep down inside that the fact that many of them never interacted with a girl before besides me would be able to keep them feeling better. When they see Claire, they might be thinking that it was just too strange to really consider, and I was feeling like maybe if I could reach out to them a bit and let them know what is going on, they will be able to sort of at least pretend like they are going to be a normal set of people, to not go on and freak her out on the first impression, and make her take it all back before it even started.

"Well, the longer that we waste time here, the less likely that it will be that either one of us are going to see if something like this is going to work out in the first place." I said, and then I was telling myself that this was the worst idea of all time, and that I was needing to do something better to be making this whole thing work. And I was kind of just tired of all of the shit that was going on right now, and I was just wanting to sort of speed up the process of this titanium failure of an attempt.

...

-Dec 14 1993 5:25 pm- Once we were at my house, I was getting Claire to be a bit more open about herself, and not so obsessed with my brothers and everything. I mean, I had nothing with her talking about that stuff. But I had felt like we needed to go on and talk about something else. You know, to sort of spice up the dialogue, and not make it feel like we were just going to be going in circles, and not actually accomplishing anything at all.

"So what do you like to do when you are done with school on most days?" I remember that being the first question I asked, as I had felt like it would have been neutral enough to make her feel like she would have been able to answer at least sort of easily. She was shrugging, as if feeling like there was no real answer that she did have for that, and that maybe I needed to be a little bit more creative with the stuff that I was asking her.

"Well, I usually hang out with my neighbors. They are kind of nice. But I think that they are always busy. Always wanting something else than what they already have. I mean, I don't really blame them. The town itself is kind of boring to be honest." Claire told me, and while I did not want to say it, I was sort of seeing where she was coming from. There was a level of boredom that did come out of living here, and something that could make it easy to desire more.

"Do you think that they like you enough for what it is?" I asked her, wanting to keep up the conversation, and see if maybe there was going to be a turn that we could take with this whole thing. Just something that could make this whole thing seem like I was going to be able to sort of get to know what she was really feeling. Maybe if I could get to see what she was feeling more, we could make something come along with all of this.

"I think that them liking me, and being friends with me is not the problem. I just think that we all want more then what we got. You know, something to sort of make life more interesting. Make it seem like there is something to keep it going, and not be one of the slogs that we are just used to by this point in time." Claire said, and then I was feeling like I did not want to bring the subject back to my brothers again, but given the context, it was almost impossible not to.

"I don't think I could even dream of pretending like my life is boring. I mean, I think that lord has basically decided that this is not even going to be an option. I think the bigger thing is just making sure that I can be able to do something myself that I think could be rather interesting." I said, and then I was feeling like maybe I was just needing to be finding more to come out of this now.

"Yeah, I bet that this is how it is like. I mean, I think that maybe you should be grateful that your life can be as exciting as it is. I mean, if most people had the chance to make it work, then I think that they would love it." After Claire said that, while there was clear jealousy in her voice, I was hearing it be more subdued for once, as if she was reminding herself that maybe she did not get it because she was not in the life that I was in, and that if she was involved with it as well, she would be able to get it much more than she had wanted to admit now.

"I mean, I do like my life for what it is though. I can't really pretend like I don't." I said, and then I was looking at her, as if wondering what I would say now. I mean, I had nothing else to be saying. I had virtually made my point as it was, and now I was going to be sort of leaving the subject open, and just sort of in a blank period of space.

"Do you think that you might like to meet some of those people who live close to me? I mean, I think that it could be a lot of fun honestly. I think that it might be kind of hard to get used to it all at first, but I think that soon enough, you will see that it is not so bad." After Claire was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she had truly wanted me to just go along with it, and see what type of things were going to be offered at her place. I was thinking about it a bit longer, and realized that she was being nice about it at least, if for nothing else.

"Yeah, I guess that I might be willing to go on and give it a try." I said, and then I was feeling like this was going to be the best choice of my life. I was feeling like maybe by doing this, I can be able to show people that I could do more than just be a person about the brothers. I could be a person who is just simply about herself in my own way.

I mean, I know what it is like to always want to have some form of recognition, and I feel like my brothers want that instead of being viewed as carbon copies of each other. But I feel like I am just the girl with ten brothers, and that also does give people some form of impression of me as well. I feel like I need to have something that can show that there is a bit of a balance. I am somebody who does have some pride in having siblings, but I am also somebody who is myself in my own way.

I feel like when people see that there is some of both sides to it, and see that I do want that to be known, then I think that I will be much happier. I feel like I can be able to be much more the way that I feel like would be perfect. Something that I feel like truly captures the feeling of what it is like to go out there.

I know that what I am saying might not sound all that interesting to some people, and I bet that others would probably not really care all that much. But I think that as long as I am sort of just myself, and I know what I am sort of getting ready for, then I think that this is the path that I can properly take, and be able to truly make work in a perfect way.

"Well, what would it be like if I were to be meeting them? I would be very interested in getting to know them." After I was saying this, I was letting the ideas run through my head, and I was feeling like maybe I was needing to just find a way to make it seem like I am not letting the ideas of what I want to be doing get too far into my mind, if I do not even know what the overall game plan is going to be yet.

"I think that since we live about twenty minutes away from each other, when we try to hang out, we should either get our parents to get us there, or maybe we can find some form of a common ground meet up place about half way." Claire was saying, for once bringing the distance, which could have been a valid point, into discussion. And I was feeling like she was doing a good service by bringing that up, considering what we are going to be getting ourselves into.

But I had felt like if we worked hard enough, we could have been able to find something that could have helped us out with that issue, and that maybe we just needed to ask one of my brothers, preferably Todd since he can drive, to help us take care of this. But then I was shrugging it off, fearing that Claire would get a thing for him after only meeting once or twice due to how nice he was or something like that.

It would have been one thing to get a thing for him, but doing it so fast when they would barely know each other would have been the thing that I felt like was going to be the major issue in all of this in the long run. "Hey Claire, how do you think the people who live near you would be feeling about the idea of hanging out with me of all people? They might be finding the whole thing to be a bit odd, and might be wishing to find a way to get out of this." I said, thinking that the idea of my family might be a bit much for them to even remotely try and understand.

"I think that they will be cool with it in all honesty. I think that they might be a bit shocked at first. But I think that in due time, they will be cool with it all." After she had said that to me, I was seeing her looking like she was truly thinking that it was going to be fine, and that I needed to relax my mojo on this whole thing.

After she was looking at me like this, and she was giving me that look that was making me feel like she was probably fight, that was when I was sighing, feeling like maybe I just needed to sort of let her be taking the lead on this whole thing, and not be making a big ordeal out of it all.

"If you say so. I do not want to be getting in their business, and then have it be revealed that they just find me wildly annoying or something like that." I was saying, feeling like such a thing was indeed possible, given the fact that I had so many brothers, which might taint the way I present myself to girls and stuff. They might be seeing the side of me that would be considered totally normal to the house, but strange and wrong to a public setting.

I was feeling like maybe I was needing to just be ready for whatever was about to be heading up. But I was wanting so badly to fit in. Fitting in was the only thing that I had truly wanted more than anything else. It was the only thing I had felt like truly mattered, and the only thing that could keep me sort of feeling like I knew what was going to be going on all around me and stuff.

Besides, I had a strange feeling that they were going to be wishing to find something to do to make it all seem like it was going to be fine and normal. I wanted to make people see that I could be able to handle myself, and be fine while doing just that. But in a way, I was feeling like maybe getting some advice from some of my older brothers might not be so bad after all. They might be able to have some good pointers that I will need to at least consider before just brushing them off as nothing more than just a mere annoyance.

As I was feeling like that, I was sort of just reminding myself of something else. What I would be doing with all of my new perceptions of things around me. What I was going to have to be doing with what I actually got. I mean, when I see the people around me already being best friends with people, and just sort of looking like they were on top of the world, even if I hated to admit it, but I was thoroughly jealous. I was wanting so bad for it to be me who would be getting something going now.

But who knows. Maybe I was just looking too deeply into it to make it something healthy. I was thinking that something like this was rather possible. The fact that I was thinking about how something could work. But I did not really know what I was going to be doing to actually fully make something like this actually work.

And as a result, when I was going around, and making all of this shit up as I was going, and sort of just seeing what stuck and what did not, then I feel like maybe that was the one bad way I could have been going at it. The one way that was just simply too wrong to actually make work.

"Sorry for dozing off there for a moment. I was thinking about something was all." I said, and then I looked right at Claire, who seemed to barely even know what I was telling her about. She clearly did not think too much into the whole thing, and was probably thinking about something herself as well. She was smiling when she had looked at me, and I was feeling like I made the right choice in getting to know her for a bit.

"I think that if you really want to go on and try to meet them, we can go to where I live tomorrow, and maybe we can talk to them for a bit. I think they will truly love it." After she was telling me that, I saw a look of sincerity in her eyes. As if feeling like this was the one thing that I needed to be taking her word on. As she was looking at me like this, I sighed, feeling like maybe she would have been onto something here after all.

"I will talk to my parents about it, and see how it goes. I would love to do something something like that. I want to go out there, and really get to know some people, and see if they are going to be good friends and stuff." I was saying, and then I was looking right at her, and I was wondering what she would be saying to that right now. If she had anything that she was going to be saying. Or if she was mind dozing off again.

"You let your mind drift around a lot." I said, trying to find something else that we could briefly bring our focus to. As I was saying that to her, I was seeing her mildly blush at that. I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to see what I was going to be feeling right now, to sort of clarify what I was meaning right now.

"I mean, it is not much of my business. But I think that it is kind of funny every time when I talk to you about something, you start to think on something else. Not that I am any good on it either." I said, thinking about when I had done that exact same thing during this very meet up. I was thinking that maybe she needed to be given a bit of a break, and that I needed to relax with teasing her just a bit more than I already had been here.

"Yeah, I just like to think about various things. Makes me feel like I am so smart when I do that." She said, smiling at that a bit, and I was feeling like I could leave her alone on it for the time being. Feeling like when I was going to be seeing her just acting all nice about it, and not even trying to make a issue on any of it, I was sighing, feeling like I needed to be giving her a break on this whole thing after all.

...

-Dec 16 1993 1:05 am- I was going to be trying to get this whole thing over with. I mean, I was wanting to go on and hang out with Claire. Not hanging out with Claire was going to be the worst part about this whole thing, since I was wanting it to happen so badly. It was so much fun when we were going to be able to mess around, and sort of just be able to mess around, and do our own thing. I was just thinking that I needed to come up with a better answer here.

I was wanting to just go over to her house, and then get to know that entire family, and then everything could be done, and then everything could be fine and dandy for the long run. But I guess that virtually none of this even really mattered anymore. But when I was thinking about all the possible routes, I was needing to just find a way to make it work out. I was just interested in knowing what Claire was like, and then I would be able to make this the best friendship of all time.

I was looking at the twins, and when I was seeing them looking happy while they were asleep, I was finally feeling like I was going to be able to sort of have a clue on what the hell was even going to be happening now. I just needed to truly see what my twins were dreaming about on a normal basis. Well, my twin siblings. I only just now realized how strange the wording of that really was. But then again, I was sighing, thinking about what was going on now.

I wanted to make sure that they were going to keep their innocence and happiness as long as humanly possible. I was feeling like this was the only thing that was going to be going in my favor. I was just trying to be knowing what the hell was happening, and I was needing to be speaking to them the first chance that I had here. I was then rubbing my eyes, thinking that I needed to go back to the whole Claire thing.

I was then standing up, and leaving our room. I mean, I was going to just want to try and see how Claire was doing, and then sneak back in when school was about to start again. I was thinking that as long as they were aware that this was a one time thing, I will be able to get away with it. I mean, my older siblings did this all the damn time, and I was feeling like maybe when I was going to use that as a excuse, my parents were going to just be all fine and let me off with a warning here.

I was also thinking about how getting my own room some time would be nice. I mean, I did not mind having them around, and they were cute, and I was going to be cool with seeing the cuteness of the twins Dylan and Drake every night. But I was certainly feeling like maybe it was time for me to be going on and doing my own thing, and just be letting me have my own room for once in my life. I knew that when Todd and Gabe moved out, they planned on letting the twins get that room. So I just needing to wait a couple of years before putting this behind us.

I was feeling like this was the one thing that I needed. I was feeling like it would only be another few more months, and I would need to take advantage of not only the fact that this would happen, but the fact that there was only a small amount of time left, and I was not going to be letting this sort of just reject them as a result. I would be nice to them during the time being.

As I was thinking about the fact that this was going to be happening soon enough, and I was thinking about what was about to be going down, I was then seeing that they were moving around, and I was just going to have to find a way to not be too loud for them, and if they talked with me, I would talk with them for a bit, and everything was going to be alright, and I was going to be happier with them in my own way.

I was feeling like maybe when I saw them again, I was going to be doing just fine. I was going to speak to them, and get to know them as much as I could, and that was all that I had needed to do. I was feeling like their happiness was the only thing that mattered. I wanted them to feel a different set of emotions that I had felt at that age. From what little of those emotions I do remember back in the day.

I mean, the stuff I remember at that age was just being confused at all of the seriousness that my parents were showing at the time. The fact that they looked scared out of their mind at some point in time, and that I was just needing to know what was causing that fear. That fear was the only thing that I had felt like I just needed to truly know as well as possible. And when I would know that fear, I would be able to start to connect with them two of them more than they probably thought I could be willing to.

I was then thinking about what I would want for my night time snack when I was getting up there. It was a usual nightly routine that I had in the middle of the night. To just grab a quick thing to eat, and then have it when I was on my own, and then be happier with this stuff. I was feeling like this was all that I had needed. I just needed to make this work, and make it work better for us all. I was wanting to not starve at the very least.

Once I was up the stairs, I was looking at the time and saw that I was doing this much earlier than I usually had, and smiled, thinking that maybe I was improving my time management here. I was feeling like I was going to be fine, and that I was just going to be going down soon enough, and then it would be like it had never happened in the first place. Then we could just brush this off as being something normal and silly.

I was then getting to the fridge, and I was then looking around and seeing that none of my other siblings around, and I was thinking that maybe I could go on and get out of the house, and head on over to where Claire had lived, and then we would be able to hang out for a bit. I mean, I knew that this was probably a bad idea. But in a way, I was not caring. I was wanting to do this no matter what, and I was feeling like doing this was going to change how I was going to be looking at all of this in the long run.

Eventually, as I was thinking about what had been going on, I was going to just get this over with. I mean, the worts that could come out of this attempt was just that I was going to be feeling a bit strange, and that it was going to take some time to get used to, and then I was going to be getting it over with. And then I was going to be able to show my parents that I knew what I was doing, and that they did not need to worry about me.

I was going to be on top of the world, and it was going to all be worth it at the end of the day. I was smiling at the mere prospect of this. And even if it did not work tonight, I would totally do it the first night that I knew that I was going to be getting some genuine peace and quiet, and that I was not going to be worried about whatever was going on at this house. I was feeling like this was all that I needed. Was just a couple of hours of peace and quiet, and then when I had it, the whole thing would be done with once and for all, and then I could feel better about it all.

...

-Dec 16 1993 6:00 pm- So I was hanging out with Claire that day, and I was happy to be knowing that she was doing alright. I wished that I was going to be able to find a way to make this whole thing seem to be lasting longer than ever. "Hey Claire, so when do you plan on going out and showing me all of those friends of yours?" I asked, and I was hoping that she was not turning her back on me at the last second. Or if maybe she was just trying to be seeing how something like this would work first.

"I could do it today, if you really care about something like this. I mean, I don't know how easy it will be for you to go on and get them to enjoy hanging out with you or anything like that. But I mean, I have nothing wrong with showing you around." She said, and I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to be saying more. But she had no real clue what else to be telling me now.

"That would be so much fun. I think that you are probably just too worried about these people honestly. I mean, what can be so bad about getting them to go on and hang out with us?" I was asking, feeling like the whole idea was going to be nice and fun. I was just wanting to make her feel like she was not needing to worry about me or anything like that. That maybe she was just wanting to go on and just see what it would be like to hang out more.

I was feeling like maybe she deserved a bit more until then though. I was standing up, and then I looked at her, and I was wondering what we were going to be talking about now. "Hey Claire, do you think that you have anything going on for Winter Break? I mean, that is going to be coming up real soon." I said, and then I was feeling like that was the best part of the year already. Finally having a moment to rest.

She was looking like she was not too sure what to be saying right now. I was seeing that she was wanting to have something planned, but that with no foresight, it was going to be a relatively pointless endeavor to really go on try to come up with plans. "I think that I might go on some form of weekend trip. But that is only going to be for a few days, and the break is over two weeks long, and I think that I could not be able to help you have any idea what to do after that." After Claire said that to me, I was seeing her looking like she wanted to hang out once or twice, but had no idea if I was ever free or not.

"I mean, I think that there can probably be a couple of days we meet up, if that is what you were hinting at. I think that all I will have to do is just talk with my parents and maybe there can be a sleep over or something like that." She sounded like she would genuinely want something like that to happen, and I was feeling like maybe we were going to finally have a nice and fun time, and that I was going to be able to get a moment away from my brothers.

Even though they were so ingrained in my life that even if I was able to go a few minutes without thinking on them, they were pretty much going to always sneak their way back in, and then I was going to just have to find something to say to keep them feeling like I was never really brushing them off at all. But I was feeling like I was in love with the whole sleep over idea. "I can just tell my parents about it, and they will probably be all cool with it. I just wish that I knew how we could sort of get something ready." I said, and then I was feeling like that was the only thing that was going to throw away the idea of such a thing happening.

"I bet that our parents could be able to just talk with one another about it all. I am sure my parents will understand if you were to suggest that you might need to take a break from your brothers or something. You know, to sort of just be fine without dealing with them." After she was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she had been sort of feeling like she knew where I was coming from at the moment.

"You know, I have nothing against them or anything. I am just worried that they are going to always want to do something with me, and I will never get a moment to relax. I mean, especially with the younger ones, since they are always barely having anything else to do." I said, and I did feel sort of bad for them. But that did not change how much it was going to be rough to go through all of this anyways.

"I think that your parents will understand. Besides, I think that they are going to have a great time knowing that you have some friends." Claire said, and she was clearly thinking about what it was going to be like if we hung out with those people around the town. I was feeling like maybe once were able to just go on and see what they were like, then we could finally just sort of put it to the test. But just sitting around, doing nothing right now made me feel so insecure in every way possible.

"Yeah, I bet you're right. Let's just go out and see what they are like now. You know, your friends." I said, not wanting to hold it in any longer, and wanting to just see what was going on, and see if maybe I could be able to really connect with these people. That was the only thing that really mattered to me at that moment. I just wanted to see if we could connect in anyway.

I mean, as fun as it might be to hang with Claire, I did not want to be dealing with only her. There was going to be a certain amount of sadness if she turned out to be the only person I ever hung out with. I mean, I would feel like I would need to go on and actually just do something else with my time. I was then feeling like that was the only thing that mattered all that much at the end of the day. Just getting Claire and her friends to go on and actually like hanging in a way.

We then left the house, and then once we were outside, I was looking at Claire, and despite how much I was wanting her to be hanging out with me and those other people, I felt like I needed to just be sure what I was going to get myself into, and I was scared that this whole hang out was going to just be a bit of a waste of time, as much as I hated to admit it. So I was feeling like this question would get me in the loop.

"Do you think that they might like to go and see me? I mean, I know that they might be finding the whole thing with my brothers a bit much, and they might not be super into something like that. But I don't know what they were really want to say to me if they feel like they are just not wanting to see me." I said, and then Claire was looking right at me, and she was looking like she needed to have me to just fucking relax, and realize that I was taking this whole thing way too seriously.

"Lydia, you are taking this way too seriously." Claire said, and then my mind was sort of laughing at that, thinking that maybe I could have seen that one coming from a mile away. "Just go on and talk with them. You will realize that they are not going to be that annoyed with you. Just don't talk about your brothers every second at first. Once you know them for a bit, I think that it might be a bit easier to do something like that though." She told me, and then I was looking right at her, feeling like maybe that was going to be fine enough. And that I just needed to sort of take her word for it.

Once we were walking down to the other houses on the block, that was when a silly question was running through my mind at that moment. Something that I had felt like maybe would have been seen as a bit of a time waster, but I felt like I was genuinely needing to know what she was thinking on the idea here. "So when do you think that I will finally be able to talk with them about my brothers and stuff? I mean, they are a huge part of my life." I was saying, wondering what she was feeling on the whole ordeal, or if she was thinking too much on it.

"Probably after the first couple of times that you see them. You know, once you feel like you actually know them a bit. I think that they will find it off at first, but they will be over it soon enough." After she was saying this to me, I was then thinking about it a bit longer, and I was feeling like I was just thinking about what it was going to be like to ever try and get popular. Not just popular, but without the connections of the family.

I was just wondering if such a thing was ever going to be possible. "I think that I will just have to let them know about it eventually. I mean, most of the school already knows about it. So maybe I do not need to be too bothered by it." I was saying, and then I was thinking about what it would be like if most of the school already had an idea on what it was like. Or if anybody really cared. You know, beyond simple shock when they first find out the truth.

"Yeah, you're right. They probably already know, and you are just looking into this too deeply. I doubt that anybody really cares. I bet even the teachers don't care if there is a large family. They are probably just wondering when it will end." After she was saying that to me, I was seeing her looking like she had been thinking about that for a moment. Thinking about my life with my siblings, and how much the teachers were probably over it by now.

"Maybe I just always take after them when I look into things too deeply. And also thinking about how deep my connections can go here." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and I was wondering if she had any way of knowing how I was feeling, and if she was going to be able to speak out to make a difference in my perception of this.

"Well, here we are right now." Claire said, and then she was smiling for a moment, and she was clearly thinking about how exciting it would be to just get to have her hang out with us, and sort of have a true expansion to the friend group, rather than just a extra person she sees, but nobody else cares about he. We waited for another couple of seconds before the door opened to see us.

Eventually, the door answered, and when I was waiting for a few seconds, I was letting my worries get to me. I was feeling like I just needed to sort of see what was about to happen now. I was seeing that there was a red hair girl who was standing in front of us. She was shorter than both of us, but I could tell that she was around our age. "This is Lily. She has been living here for about as long as I can remember. This is Lydia." Claire did the simple introductions, to get right to the point here.

"I thought it would be a lot of fun to maybe hang out for a bit, and see how things are going." After Claire was telling us this, I was seeing her looking like she was keeping her cool, and that she was clearly feeling like she was doing a decent job with what she was doing. I was seeing Lily looking at me, and giving me a skeptical look. I knew that this was going to be a bit rough now, and that I was right about everything I had assumed earlier.

I mean, after just a couple of seconds, I was already losing all of my hope, and I was already feeling like I just needed to go on and get this over with. "Well, I heard about you from Claire. She was telling me that you were really nice in the first times you guys talked with each other." After she was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to give this a chance at the very least. As she was looking at me like this, I was feeling like I needed to give it a go.

"That's nice to hear. I did not know that she was already talking about me behind my back." I said, and I knew afterwards like right away how bad that sounded. But I did not in any way mean it to sound like that. I was just feeling like I was needing to sort of find a better way to be discussing this right now, to sort of rebound after what had just been said.

"I mean, I just thought that she would have waited until we hung out longer was all. But I think that it's cool you already know so much about me." I said, and I was unsure how true the 'so much' part was, but I did not really care all that much. I just wanted to be able to make it look like I was going to easily get in the swing of it all. And she was looking like she was sort of willing to kind of see where this was all going to be going now.

"Hey, so what do you guys like to do when you meet up?" Lily asked me, already getting in the mind set of hanging around, and just having a good time. I was feeling like this was a good idea, and that she was just sort of willing to be making the most of it with what we were having, and that I was just needing to sort of take the moment, and not be holding back at all.

"Usually we just have been talking for a while, and not really doing much. But if you were wanting to go on and do something else, or show us some places, I think we would be alright with that." I said, and I was feeling like I was probably being a bit rude for not asking Claire what she was thinking on this. But I doubted that she really cared all that much. And if she was going to be annoyed with this, I would apologize for that, and then we can find a way to be making things better for us all. And sort of more back to normal and all that.

But I was really wanting to go on and see what this was going to be like. As I was seeing her looking at me, and sort of looking like she was considering the options, she was shrugging. As if feeling like there was no real reason to not be checking anything out. "Cool, I was wondering if you were going to be up for it. I think that you guys should go on and check out some places that I usually like to go and stay out at when I am hanging around." Lily was saying, and she was trying her best to be sounding alright with it all, but I think we were all sort of wondering how well this was going to be working out in the end of it all.

But I was feeling like with this new chance that I was having, that I just needed to go on and see how far this was going to be able to actually go on for. So as I was wondering that, we were heading along, and we were waiting around as she was placing on her shoe, and I was taking a long and deep breath, considering what we were sort of just getting ourselves into, and how this would turn out if it was all a bad idea.

Once she was out of the house, I was seeing her sort of looking like she was wanting to see what we were all feeling right now. "So I know that you guys probably have not gone around and done stuff like this yet, but I think that maybe we can go on and check a few places out. As long as we get home before its too late. Besides, Winter Break is going to start soon, so they will be cool with it deep down." After Lily was saying that so easily, I was feeling she must have been right.

"So what places are you suggesting that we go and check out?" I asked, clearly unsure of what to be feeling right now. The whole thing just seemed like a cool idea but also a terrible idea at the same time. I wished that I was going to have some way to know what I was getting ready for. Lily was looking at Claire and I, as if thinking that maybe there was something almost funny about the way that we were taking this whole thing.

"I think can't tell you yet. If I tell you, then you will be telling me that we should not be doing it, and then all the fun will be ruined." After she was telling us that, she was looking at us, as if wondering if we were going to try and dispute these claims. I had no idea what we were going to be getting ourselves into, and I was feeling like maybe I needed to check all of my options here before I said anything too bad.

"Alright, I'll take your word for it." Claire said, clearly either aware of what was going on, or was just simply much more forgiving for such insane ideas than I was. Even though I was the one with the large family, I was feeling like I needed some level of safety net. I mean, the idea of knowing that there was a chance that we were going to be getting ourselves in trouble over something like this just did not seem worth it at the end.

"See, all we just got to do is make it all work out." Lily said, and we were walking along, and then I was feeling like maybe I was sort of needing to talk to my siblings about doing something like this in the future. I mean, I had no real reason to believe that this was not going to work, but I just truly had no idea what the heck we were really even doing. I was thinking that maybe my siblings would almost be proud of me, and that if they knew what I was doing, they would support me in their own strange way.

I was almost feeling like I was on the right path right now. I was feeling like maybe I was just going to finally get all that I had wanted, and that maybe I just needed to be taking what I can out of this. Besides, I was feeling like maybe some of my brothers might be cool with these girls. I knew that Jack was at least looking to tolerate them from the little bit that he was seeing Claire so far, so I was feeling like this was a good starting point. It was just a matter of getting them to sort of be able to trust Lily, and I would be totally set now.

...

-Dec 16 1993 11:00 pm- When we were done walking, I was seeing Lily looking right at us, and we were standing right below something like a tree house. She was looking like this was the most exciting thing that she would have been able to show us. "I was hoping that you guys would have been interested in going on to check out what this is." After she was saying this to us, I was seeing her looking like she had wanted to say more, but did not dare spoil it.

As I was looking at this, and then realizing that whatever this girl had been looking at, was going to be interesting enough to go on and check it out at least once. Then I was nodding, feeling like I just needed to at least give this a chance to go on and at least check this out. "I don't know about Claire, but I think that something like this can be a lot of fun." After I was saying this to them, and then both Claire and Lily nodded to this.

We were then going up the ladder to go on and be inside of the tree house. I had no idea what the heck we were going to be doing. I was feeling like when we were inside of the tree house, maybe we could find something to discuss to make this whole thing seem at least sort of more interesting. "So, what made you learn about this in the first place?" I asked, feeling like maybe one of my brothers mentioned this before.

The thing is that I did not really remember if they had told me this or not. I could have sworn that they were telling me this stuff, and that I had just sort of forgotten all about it. Then I was seeing them both looking like they were wondering if I was just distracted over something, and if I was going to be focusing on the bigger picture at that moment. "One of my friends, Rosa, who also lives near us, showed me this place, and she said it was really interesting." After she had said that to me, I was looking at Lily, hoping that I knew what to say now.

"I feel like I surely must have heard about something like this before. I just can't remember for the life of me if I had or not." I said shrugging, telling myself to just not focus on this, and I was feeling like as long as I was focusing on this, I was never going to be doing anything at all. I was then just trying to find something to do to make it at least not be looking super awful or anything like that. But I was seeing that Lily just was wanting to know as much as possible.

"Well, even if you have or not, I can guarantee that most of the people in our school have not. Every time I even bring up a tree house, people just sort of laugh at me, and act like I am just making something up. Which shows me that this is still special." After she was saying this to me, I was seeing her looking like this was a good spot to be at. Having something that can make us feel like we have a special little secret.

"Why is there a bed in here? I mean, I think that this is the most interesting part in the whole house." After Claire was saying that to me, I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to be saying more. But she was just finding it kind of gross. Since there was a certain amount of a yellow tint to this bed, and I was even a little bit too grossed out to admit what I had thought that it was.

I was thinking that the main thing that kind of gave away this being what I had feared it was had been the smell of it. I heard the smell sometimes in my house. I had no idea what the smell was. I did not care what the smell was. The smell was just something that I knew, and I was feeling like maybe I just needed to try and change the subject, before it as getting a bit too gross for any of us to even consider here.

"Well, whatever the reason is, I think that maybe we just need to not be thinking too much on it." I said, and then I was sitting down, and then I was looking at both Lily and Claire, wondering what the heck I was going to be able to discuss to be able to keep this whole conversation up. To make it not feel like we had been putting this whole thing off much too long and sort of losing interest in what was going on.

"How many people do you know that have come up here? Personally, not a single one." After Claire was saying to me, and I was feeling like this was a relatively similar thing that I had been feeling. I was feeling like there must have been something that I was missing out on. A story that Todd or Gabe, I think Todd now that I think on it, told me last year, and he was just trying to be simple enough on it. But the way that he was describing it was a bit different.

"I think that at least my oldest brother was here at one point. I mean, I feel like once a year or so ago, he was telling me about being here and he was telling me that when he was here, it was the scariest thing that he had ever dealt with. I mean, I never really got why he was saying this. But I knew that when he was saying this, I knew that he was not really messing around. And I knew that I just needed to be taking him seriously." I said, and then I was annoyed for bringing up my brothers. I had wished to be bringing it up differently.

"Maybe he was here, and then the police found him, and then decided to get him in trouble." After Lily said that, I knew that she was trying to be funny, but when I was actually thinking about it, I had no idea if something like this was even remotely true. I was feeling like maybe when I was needing to actually strongly think it all out, I had no idea what the heck was even going on at this point in time.

"I mean, sure something like that could happen. But honestly, I just don't think that this is the case. He sounded like it was much more serious than just that." I said, and then I was feeling like maybe I was going to have to be finding something better to do, and I was wanting to tell her more, but I just had no real clue what was going on. "I mean, when I was talking to him, he was really looking like he had been going through a lot."

"I wish that I knew what the heck I could tell you. I think that if you want to know what he was dealing with, maybe you can annoy him into telling you something." After Lily was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was finding it funny to be saying this. I did not know if it was funny per se, but I was able to appreciate her attempts to be trying to make the whole thing not really seem all that bad anyways.

"Yeah, it might not be all that big of a deal. He is not making a deal out of it, and that is reason enough to not be trying to know what to tell him." I said, and then I was wishing to be finding something better to be talking about. Then I was feeling anxious to change the subject, and I was looking right at Claire, as if hoping that she had something to be saying to me to save me from this whole thing. To make it better for us.

"Do you think that you are going to let anybody else know about this tree house? Do you think that we might be coming here with that Rosa girl at our side?" I asked, trying to be finding something to make the subject more interesting to us. I was feeling like I just needed to find something else to say to keep the whole thing going along much better for us all.

"I think that it would be cool to know what exactly is here. I mean, we are in the coolest place in town. It would seem like a mistake to not go and check it out." After Claire was saying that to me, she was looking right at me, trying to be finding something else to say, and she was clearly looking like she was hoping to see what I would be saying now. I was hoping to find out what she was wanting to be telling us, and if she had any big ideas here.

"I think that you will meet her some day, and then when you do this, you will see what she even likes. If she even wants to see what you are into." After Lily said that to me, she was sitting down, and was looking like she was wanting to be saying something else about this subject, but was looking right at us and decided that she was going to be asking us about something much more innocent than what she was desiring to ask us on.

"What made you guys start to hang out in the first place?" After Lily was asking us this, I was wanting to know what the heck we were going to say. I mean, there was no real story, and I had just felt like we were going to have to let her down real bad if she was planning on hearing some big tale or something. But Claire was taking care of this for me, and I was glad that she was willing to take the bullet for me.

"I approached Lydia. I thought that she would have been cool to hang out with, and I decided to just see what it would have been like." After Claire had said that, I was seeing her shrug at me, and then she was feeling like she was sort of really happy to see that we were hanging out, and not making some form of a big issue on this whole thing. But then after this, I was seeing her wanting to be seeing if I was going to be trying to say something else here.

"Yeah, I have no idea why she was thinking that I would be such a blast. But to be honest, I was wanting a friend for myself, and I am glad that she decided to give me a chance." I said, and then I was smiling at this whole thing, and I was feeling glad to have somebody who was willing to go on and see me that wasn't just one of my brothers, and as a result, being somebody who probably felt like was forced into this.

"I think that I was just going to be sort of having to deal with the idea of not having any friends all year. You know, being known as that one crazy girl with a ton of siblings, and nobody ever going on to see me as anything more than that." I said, and then I was thinking about what I had just said. I did not know if what I was saying sucked, or if it was something I was sort of cool with right now, given the circumstances.

"I think that maybe we should try and go on and see all the cool spots in town during Winter Break." I said, and then I was looking right at the two of them, feeling like I was going to try and make this plan seem like it was the best that I was able to get out of it. Then I was feeling like I just needed to know if they were really even wanting to go along with such a plan, or just leave it all alone now, and talk on something else.

"Well, I think that if you want to go on and see what the town has to offer, then I think that you will be rather disappointed. There are not really all that many exciting spots to be honest. A few kind of cool areas, but nothing more than that." After Lily was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was kind of let down by admitting something like that, but she was also feeling glad to know that she was being real with me for the most part.

"I wish that what you were saying wasn't true. But I think that if there was something cool here, I would have heard about it by now." I said, and then I was shrugging, feeling like I just needed to find something better to say now. To sort of have an answer on what I was feeling right now. But I was feeling like if I had tried to find more to say, I was going to be getting to the subject of my brothers again, and I wanted to at least try and avoid that.

"It probably doesn't really matter all that much. They are probably just hiding something from you to make sure that you do not go and run off with what is happening." After Claire was telling me this, I was sort of feeling like I just needed to find something else to make this whole thing a bit better for us. I was wanting to be thinking about what my siblings had been feeling right.

"I bet you're possibly right. I just wish that I knew what I can do for Winter Break. There is nothing here, at the house, that I haven't done a million times, and I feel like after a while, the whole thing about being there is that it is sort of a one trick pony." I said, and then I was thinking about what I had said, and what I was going to be getting out of it if I knew anybody in my family who would know of this now. I was thinking that if they heard this, they would be really mad at me, and act like I had betrayed them, even though I was just sort of telling the truth. But I was not going to admit it out loud since they were still nice.

...

-Dec 17 1993 7:55 pm- I was with my friends, and I was sort of unsure of what the heck was going on with me. I was feeling like maybe when I would be showing Claire my brothers, she might be thinking of it as a bit much, but considering the fact that she was hanging out with me sometimes now, the fact was that she needed to go on and meet them sooner or later. And that with this in mind, I was feeling like maybe I was going to be able to get her to actually like them all aside from just Jack.

"Hey Lydia, do you think that they might actually want to be hanging out with us? I think that something like this might be a bit strange." After she was saying that to me, I was seeing her looking like she was worried about the fact that we were hanging out like this with each other. I was really wanting to make Claire understand that this was not going to be all that big of a deal. My brothers were going to love her.

I was feeling like I just needed to sort of find something else to say to make the whole situation seem a bit different from us. "Trust me when I say that they will be more excited about seeing you, and getting to know you, than just having nothing." I said, and then I was feeling like I was needing to find some way to get Claire to be seeing that I was not really messing around. I was wanting to make her feel like she and I were going to sort of at least be sort of happier with the fact that I had a girl in my life now.

"Do you think that Jack has been working on the team trials?" Claire asked, and I was unsure when those trials were going to be and I was having even less idea on if he was going to be getting on the team. When that was something that I was thinking about, I was feeling like maybe I was going to have to find a way to make Claire sort of feel like the idea of Jack making it onto the team was more of a certainty than anything else. Considering how seriously she was taking it all and stuff.

"I think that if he was going to be the team, he would have been making a huge deal out of it. I think that the fact that he has not been going on and telling everybody about it shows that either he did not make the team, or the trials have not happened." I said, and then I was seeing Claire looking at me, as if excited as hell about the idea on what the hell we were going to be doing. I was then sighing, thinking about how nice it would be to do this all.

Eventually, before we were able to be thinking about it all that much, this was when there was one of our siblings going by. I was seeing that it was Todd, and I was seeing that he was just looking so much better about what we were doing. I was feeling like I just needed to sort of see what the hell Claire was feeling. I was seeing her looking like she had no real opinion on what Todd was looking like. Thinking that he was relatively attractive.

"Hey Todd, how are you?" I asked, and then I was seeing him taking the moment to realize that Claire was here, and he was looking like he had a lot to be thinking here. But at the same time, he did not want to be saying anything that could have made him look like a total idiot. You know, probably not wanting to mention the fact that Claire was black. The thing was that he wasn't really a racist, but with so few non white people who ever come into the house, I was not going to blame him for needing to take a second to get used to it.

"I am doing alright. Just dealing with a bunch of bullshit with the video store. Nothing that would interest you though. At least Bebe and I are thinking about what we are going to be doing this week end." Then after he was done with that, I was seeing him looking right at Claire, and he was feeling like he would take at least some time to address the guest of the house right now. "So how long have you been hanging with my sister?"

"Just a few days. Nothing too big of a deal. I was just curious on what all of you guys were like?" After Claire had asked Todd this question, I was seeing him looking like he was sort of needing to find something else to be doing to make himself feel better with this. "Who is Bebe?" Claire asked, and I was hearing more just sheer curiosity in her voice rather than anything like jealousy. She was never going to be jealous of a bloke like Todd, at least I thought.

"She is my girlfriend. She really is the nicest girl that I have ever met. She and I have been doing so many cool things with each other." After Todd was asking me this, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say more. But he was just feeling like he had bothered with this, I was going to just be seeing him wanting to know what Claire was going to care over something like this in the first place. "I mean, we have not been seeing each other long, but in the time that we have seen each other, it has been so much more worth it."

Considering how much of a improved mood he had been in over the last several weeks to month or so, I knew that he was telling the truth, and I knew that this was totally going to be one of the best things that had happened in his entire life. I had felt like maybe I just needed to sort of see what the heck was going on to change the perception I had.

"What do you guys do on a normal basis?" Claire asked Todd this question, and then she was looking at him, and she was wanting to see if maybe she was going to be able to guage what she was needing to treat people like when she was dating them from the way he was talking. Maybe she was going to be able to learn the most important way that we were going to work on this whole thing. Todd was rubbing his eyes, as if unsure of what to feel now.

I knew that he was personally seeing zero point in having this discussion with her, as he had barely known her. "Well, the thing is that we often times just go on dates like to dinner, and a movie and stuff. Nothing too serious. We just like to be doing stuff that sort of makes us feel like we are able to have a nice and good break from everything that is going on here." After Todd was saying that, he was shrugging but did not stop when he was doing that.

"I mean, when you are an adult, you will perfectly get why this is the way that we like to approach things. We just often do a bunch of different things with our lives every day with work and school and family and other random things, that just sitting down and having some time to relax, and hang out, is totally nice, and one of the things that we truly need more than anything." After Todd had said that to Claire, he was looking right at her, wondering what she was wanting to tell him now.

"I want to sometimes just go on and relax again, and not have to deal with the stuff that has to be dealt with on stuff like jobs and responsibility. Take advantage of something like this while you have the time. Take the time to just enjoy your life, and not be dealing with anything worse than school." After he had said that to us, I was feeling like the idea of dealing with something worse than school was just a bit strange, and almost impossible to accomplish.

"Do you enjoy working at the video store?" I asked, and I was sort of knowing what the answer was going to be. That being said, I was feeling like I could be able to start to get to know what he was feeling, and I was going to sort of know what the heck was bothering him. I felt like it was the best that I was going to be able to do to make him feel so much better on this whole thing, since I would give him a chance to talk.

"I don't like it. This whole thing is just one of the biggest wastes of time that I can be able to go through. I mean, every single time that I talk with people who act like they know how to be helping me out, or getting me through this, I feel like they are just sort of unable to help me out. I think that this job is just draining. I mean, I literally get called in at all hours of the day." Todd said, and I slowly nodded, as if feeling like I had known full well what he was describing here.

I was feeling like maybe he was going to have to be looking into something better if this bothered him so damn much. "I mean, I wanted to talk with my bosses on this, and try to get him to sort of see how insane this might be. But he never fucking listens to me. He always just places me on the hours that he likes, and that is all that I can do about it." After he was saying that to me, I was wanting to be saying more. But had no idea what to tell him here.

"I know that I am honestly just kind of tired of having things be done like this. But I guess that nothing else is going to matter. I mean, I got the job, and I am forced to just be working like this, and that is all that I can fucking do. It is the only thing that matters." After Todd said that to us, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to be saying more. But he was sort of just not wanting to deal with this conversation anymore. That he had expressed himself enough.

"But I mean, I have talked with Bebe what it is like to have hours like these, and sort of all over the place. She knows what it is like, and she has told me that these things can be a bit annoying. She has told me that you just got to get over it. Not in a way of her trying to make me feel bad. But in the way that there is nothing that you can do about annoying bosses." Todd said, and then I was wondering what was so bad about Bebe's work.

"What do you think that Bebe has to deal with? I mean, she sounds like she probably does not have to deal with as much of an inflexible schedule as you do. But you seem to be thinking that she understands it all." I said, and then I was seeing Todd looking like he was clearly just unsure of how to be feeling here. I was wanting to find something else to say. But it was just going to be sort of failing to really catch him.

"I think that she just has to deal with the issues of dealing with her bosses always having a bunch of random shifts set up for her, and basically never give her a chance to relax. They never give her some time to be taking a moment, and she told me that she can't even really remember the last time that she had a day off or anything like that." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him clearly looking bad for her, and I was feeling like I just needed to try and get him to feel like this was not all that big of a deal. That he was going to be able to be there for her in a way.

"I mean, I can't even think about how something like this must be. To never have so much as a moment to just be there, and be happy for the people who are around them. I think that she would be in love with the idea of just having some form of joy in the idea of being with her family. At least I get to talk with you guys and stuff." When he was done with this, I was looking at him, as if feeling like maybe I just needed to find something else to say to make him feel better.

"Anyways, how are you guys doing? I am not really all that interested in talking about Bebe honestly. I am more interested in getting to know how you guys are doing, and finally just making it all work." After Todd was saying that to me, I was then seeing that Claire was looking like she was able to appreciate the fact that he was at least approaching the idea of getting to see how we were doing, and that this was all that I knew was going to make her feel differently.

"Honestly, we are just sort of dealing with school, and not really having all that interesting of a story to tell. I mean, the most that we can talk about are those strange guys in school who seem to really like us, but are too scared to admit it." I was smiling, thinking about what I had said, and how something like this might be going along.

"Yeah, every time that they talk to their friends about how gross girls are, they always bring up one or two as their prime example. I think that this is a sign that they might find us cute." Claire was saying, and then Todd was looking at us as if he was not wanting to admit it in the idea of not wanting to make it too obvious. But from the way he was looking, I knew that he was aware that this was the way that it was done, and that we were onto something. Which made me more excited.

"I think that we should talk to them soon. Maybe sort of hint that we like them, and they might be really happy." I said, and then Todd was holding out his hand, as if fearing that something like this was a bad idea, and he was wanting to make it very clear that this was something that we should just never be doing. I was looking at him, totally confused on what was making him like this right now.

"Trust me, that is a terrible idea. If you try to show them that you know that they like you, then they might be up and defensive about it. They will be lying about it, and then they will be spreading rumors about you guys. they are going to make it so much worse for you if you show that you know." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was just worried about the whole thing. We were looking at each other, Claire and I, totally confused.

"Honestly, that makes no sense. If she likes us, wouldn't you want to go on and talk with them, to sort of show that you know that they can be an option?" I was asking, trying to just wrap my mind around this whole thing, and he was looking right at us, and I was seeing him looking like he was feeling like that if he even attempted to explain this, he would be going crazy, and have no reason to do this now.

"Nothing about young kids makes any sense. Just trust me when I say that this is not a valid option. Trust me when I say that if you do this, then you will be making things so much worse, and every chance that you guys will have had will be entirely gone." After Todd was saying this, the way he was looking at me made it clear as hell that this was not to be messed with. As he was looking at us like this, and I was seeing that he was just wanting to be making us feel better, I was sighing, feeling like I just needed to be giving him a chance on this.

"Alright, you seem to be aware of what you are talking about. Why are guys like that anyways? Why aren't they willing to go on and admit they way that they are thinking of you." I said, and he was looking right at me, and then he was shrugging, as if feeling like there was no way that he could explain it. I was wondering why he couldn't until he answered me with why.

"The whole thing is just too strange for me to be able to try and understand myself. I know that it is just hard to be doing this type of stuff when you are younger. Mostly as a simple fear of letting you guys see that we are not really strict people after all." After he was telling us this, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more, but just truly had no idea how to say it.

"Guys are weird." I said, and then I was looking right at Claire, and she was laughing when we had said that. Todd was looking like he had already said his piece on this whole thing, and felt like he was just needing to be leaving us alone, and not be getting in our way on this whole hang out anymore. Since we were just too deeply into this whole thing. Eventually, I was seeing him looking like he had actually slightly enjoyed this conversation. At least more than he thought that he would have been able to.

"Well, I better be going to my room now. You know, just to be doing my own thing. Get a couple of hours of being alone and free until Gabe comes home from whatever the hell he is doing. I am not even annoyed with it anymore. I'm just confused more than anything else." After Todd said that to me, I was seeing him sort of looking like he had wanted to be saying more, but did not want to dare say anything that could get us on his business of what was going on.

"What has he said about it? Do you think that you might be able to sort of get an idea of what he is doing, if you just sort of force some information from him?" After Claire asked Todd this, he was shaking his head, as if feeling like doing that was just going to be fucking impossible. That even trying to know how Gabe was feeling was going to be the hardest thing he would have been able to do now.

"He has given me no fucking clues what he is doing? I feel like he might just be wanting to sort of be his own independent agent, and I am kind of annoyed with him doing something like that. It is none of my business, but I just sort of wish that I knew what was going on." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more. But then he was sighing, thinking that he was just going to not even bother with this whole thing now.

"I think that if he even cares about how we are feeling, he would not have been doing this in the first place. But he clearly does not care. He clearly has never cared. If he had cared, I would help him. But I am going to just be sort of letting him do his own thing until he decides to finally open up." After Gabe was saying that to me, I was seeing him sighing, feeling like there was no need to say anything else, and that saying anything else would have been wrong even for him.

With that, he was waving bye at us, which meant that he really was leaving us alone. Then I was looking right at Claire, and I was then looking like I had something better for us to be talking about. Something that I felt like would have been more interesting for the two of us now. "We did not talk to him about the tree house. I mean, that was the main thing we could have asked him over." After I said that to her, Claire was looking like she did not even realize that at first.

"Oh yeah, I was thinking that maybe we should, but I totally forgot about it honestly. I really feel like we should have talked to him about it." After Claire was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to say something else. I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to say more on it, but could not think on it any longer.

"Dang it. I feel like we just lost the best chance that we had to get to know what he was doing." After I was saying that, I was feeling like maybe I should have been thinking about the fact that we were now sort of one step even further behind. But then again, if Todd liked Claire, he might have been willing to talk to us on this, and I was feeling like maybe we just needed to sort of go on and earn his trust here.

"I would give it a few more times. Let him really grow to like you. Then when he feels like you are cool enough, I think that we might have a chance to get to know how he is feeling." I said to her, and then I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to be saying more, and then she was clearly looking like she was wanting to argue with me, but did not really have the heart to do so.

"Yeah, I guess that maybe we can sort of just wait and see how it might be." After she was saying that to me, I was seeing her sort of looking like she was wanting to be saying more. But at the same time, she was clearly looking like she was just needing to be leaving the whole thing alone. I was then looking like I was going to have to be seeing what the heck we were going to do to make it all come together.

"I think that there is something that we could learn from him. But when I see him talking about Gabe, I know that he does not like to be more open on these events. I feel like as the brother he had for the longest time, you know him being the second oldest, he feels like it is his personal responsibility to keep after him. Watching him become a young adult in his eyes pretty much." I said, and then I was feeling like when I was looking at this from that perspective, I felt bad for Todd almost.

"Well, is there anything else that you were wanting to do?" I asked, and I was hoping to be able to change the subject to be making it into a more fun one, and something that I had felt like Claire might have been able to have more enjoyment out of. She was looking at me, and she was clearly looking unsure of what the heck she was going to feel now.

"I think that maybe we could go on and check it out again, or try to see if there are any places in the town that Lily might be willing to show us, or that Rosa girl. I think that something like that will be a good thing to do tonight." After she was saying that to me, I was thinking about what she had offered, and I was feeling like I was going to have to at least consider what she was suggesting here, and I was having no idea what to say.

"Yeah, I might be thinking that we can try that tomorrow or something. Might not be wise to do it tonight, when so many of the others are awake. But tomorrow could be rather fun." I said, and then I was thinking about what it was going to be like to just get us out of this whole slum, and be able to make this whole thing work out for the best. I was feeling like maybe I was going to have to see what the heck Claire would be feeling here.

Despite what I had been feeling, I was wanting to see what Claire was wanting to do now. I mean, I was feeling like there could have been something that we could have done at that moment to make the whole thing more fun and stuff. I was needing to just make her feel like I was not sort of pushing her along into something she was wanting or anything like that.

Eventually, I was seeing her looking like she was kind of just trying to do something to make it all more interesting or different at that moment. "I think that maybe we can go around, and see how your other brothers are doing." After she was saying that to me, I was feeling like maybe I was going to have to be considering something like that for a moment. I was feeling like this was going to be the best thing that I could be able to do with her.

"Yeah, I guess that we could be able to make this whole thing work out." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and I was feeling like this was something that I was going to be feeling kind of bad for. You know, the fact that I was probably going to be doing something that my brothers might not be super excited with. But I was feeling like I just needed to sort of give it a try to make it better.

"That is going to be a lot of fun. I mean, I just want to see what the idea of having so many siblings would be like." After Claire was telling me this, I was looking right at her, and I was feeling like maybe I was just needing to be finding something else we could have been able to do about this. Then I was feeling like we were going to just have to be finding a way to make it all better.

We were sort of feeling like I was going to just need to find something to keep us going. "Hey, I think that maybe we can try Josiah or something like that first. He is a really nice guy. I think you will grow to like him right away." I said, sort of just trying to find a way to be getting her away from Jack for a bit longer. Not because she had no right to be feeling this way. But the whole thing with Jack was just something that I felt like maybe we needed to at least sort of change the perception of it all.

"I will let you try and see how things can be." After Claire was saying that to me, I was seeing her standing up, and smiling right at me, and then we were going right towards the room where Josiah and Seth were hanging out at. And I was feeling like maybe we were just going to be nice to him about it, and not make him feel like we were sort of pushing the whole thing too far with him.

We were walking to the room, and once we were seeing Josiah playing some loud ass guitar tunes, he was looking at us, as if feeling a bit embarrassed to be seeing us staring at him like this. As if feeling like maybe he was needing to just try and find a way to be getting himself out of this. I was feeling like maybe what Josiah was feeling was just something that he would not have minded when we were alone, but with a guest...

"How is your music right now?" I asked, and I was feeling like simply asking something like that, to make him feel like we were sort of getting along normally enough, was making him feel differently on this. Or at least I was sort of hoping that we could be able to make it all seem different." After I was saying this to him, he was looking right at me, and he was clearly looking like he was wanting to be putting this whole thing to some level of better presentability.

"It is doing alright. I mean, I am just sort of wanting to make it all better. I want to be ready for the concert that I am going to be performing at the end of the month." After Josiah was saying that to Claire and I, this was when I was looking at Claire, as if sort of wondering what the heck we were going to be doing now. "I mean my band members are trying to be making me feel better about this whole thing. But that being said, I think that even if I wanted to be feeling different, I just can't."

"I can't believe that you guys are getting so far up this. I think that you performing for the town is going to be the coolest thing ever." I said, and I was meaning every single word of what I was saying, and then I was feeling like maybe we were just going to have to be finding a way to be making it all differently for us. I was seeing that Claire was just wanting to see where this was going to be going now.

"I mean, so many people at the talent show liked how we did that they are wanting us to be going deeper into this whole thing. I mean, I can't really have any of that get in my mind. I need to be ready for whatever they are going to just show us." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to be finding something else that could change it all. But then I was seeing him looking like he was just sort of trying to keep his calm with the idea.

"Honestly, I just wish that you will do good. As long as you perform well, I am going to be proud of you." I said, and then I was feeling like this was the best that I was going to be getting out of this whole thing. I had looked at Josiah, and I was feeling like when I was looking right at him, I was going to be able to get him to feel a bit different, and change how he was going to be performing this whole discussion with us. I was just wishing to find him happier.

As I was feeling all of this coming together, I was then looking right at Claire, as if sort of wondering what the heck we were going to be actually doing now. "So Claire, what do you think about the idea of my brother getting into the concert performances at the end of the year?" I asked, referring to the annual music show that was held on December 31st. This was the first year that Josiah was going to be doing this, and it was just the best we were going to get out of this.

"I think that this is really cool. Do you think that you are excited for something like this?" Claire asked Josiah this, and he was looking like he was clearly unsure of what the heck to be saying now. But then he was just looking ta the guitar, looking like he was wishing to be keeping this along for a bit longer. I was seeing that from the look on his face, we were probably having the answer to her question.

...

-Dec 18 1993 2:55 pm- I just felt like this was going to be the best few weeks of my life. I was going to be going along and making Claire and the others get quickly into the idea of hanging around with my family, as well as I could be able to sort of understand what the hell my brothers were going to tell me about things like the three house. I was feeling like I just needed to go and get the truth about it all.

I remember when I was hanging out with Claire at the very end of the night, and I was sort of seeing Gabe coming into the house, and he was looking like he was utterly tired, and just needed to find somebody to be able to hanging out with him, to really know what was bothering him. I had felt like maybe if I had tried hard enough, I would be able to sort of see what was going on with him. To sort of make it all come together.

I was seeing him looking like there was a certain level of regret to what he had been doing, and I had felt like maybe I just needed to go on and see him for what he was feeling. And as I was feeling that, I was walking up to him before he was finally heading out that day, and I was going to be nice but firm about the way that I would approach him. I just needed to know the truth, and then be able to leave him alone.

As he was at the door, I was placing my smaller hand on his much bigger and more rough hand. Then he was looking down at me, as if he was trying to think of something to say to me to make me feel better. "What is going on? Do you need anything real quick?" He was asking me, and I was sort of unsure of what I was going to say. I was feeling like I needed to make a honest answer, and then that was going to keep me feeling better at the moment.

"I was wanting to know if something was bothering you. If I can make you feel better." I said, and then I was looking down at him, trying to find a way to be sort of getting him to see that I was not going to have any negative feelings for him at all. I was seeing him just sort of looking like he was needing to find something to tell me that could make me feel differently about what was going on at that moment.

"I am just dealing with some things with school and friends. It is nothing important. If I were to try and explain it all, I bet that you guys would not even believe me in the first place." After he had said that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was genuinely trying to look like he was not too bothered with this right now. I was sighing, feeling like I just needed to see where this was going to head on now.

"Are they making fun of you? Are they being really rude?" I asked, and I was trying my best to be finding a way to be giving him the impression that he was going to be able to speak with me. Then he was just looking at the window, and while I was clearly able to tell that he was just trying to be nice about it, I was able to see that he was slightly annoyed with the entire thing right now.

"No, it is nothing like that. I just want to understand what the problem is. I mean, I know that something is happening here, and I am just trying to find some answer here before I made a conclusion." Gabe said, and then he was placing his hand on the nob, and I was seeing him clearly looking like he was just needing for me to work with him for once, and just accept the fact that this was not the way we were going to be going at this.

"I think that you would truly never understand, and I have nothing against you for that, but I think that you just need to understand that I need to be heading out on my own." Gabe said, and then I was seeing him letting go of me, and when I was seeing him do that, instead of me doing it to him, for a brief second or two, what he had done really hurt me. I knew he didn't do it on purpose. But I just wished that he was going to be more open to my feelings.

"I need to be going now. I think that I can't really talk about it anymore. I am sorry for doing this to you. I know you really seem to care. But I know that this is something I can't mess around with." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was just wanting to be leaving the subject alone. I knew that I was not going to be getting anything else out of him, and that I was just needing to get over it, and not be rough with him.

"Well, I hope that you have a good day." I said, and then he was smiling, as if feeling like he was able to agree with me on this, and then he was walking out of the house. I knew that he was much older than me, and that he had no obligation to be doing this stuff with me. But I just wanted to sort of get more out of him, and see if I could be able to help him out in a way.

But as he was gone, I was looking behind me, and I was seeing Josiah looking like he was sort of sad when he was seeing me and saw that I was clearly not taking this whole encounter of dialogue very well at all. "I am sorry that this is what is bothering you. I mean, if you are going to try and get him to talk, he will be just brushing you off. He has been doing this to everybody." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more to make me feel better, but did not dare to say anything that would bother with Gabe or I.

"I know that it is none of my business what he is doing. But I feel like I need to see what is going on with him. I need to see if I can be able to help him out." I said, and I was just trying my best to be sounding like a nice sister, but then Josiah was hugging me a bit and he was feeling like this was all that he was going to change my mind on.

"I think that you need to enjoy your time with your friends. I think that if you do that, then everything will be so much better for you. Just be happy and remember that this is your time off." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking a little bit like he was really wanting to get this point across. I nodded, feeling like I just needed to sort of go along with it, and accept the fact that this was all that mattered, and that he was just being there for me.

"Does he care about making us feel better? I just wish that he was able to go on and understand where we are coming from. I think that he is just going to be dealing with his own thing, and that he might not even be able to think too deeply on this whole thing." After Josiah was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was just going to be wanting to drop the subject, and sort of just move on from this.

"Anyways, if you are going on and hanging out with your friends in the concert on New Years Eve, do you think that you are going to be missing out on being with us for New Year?" I asked, and then I was looking at him, and he was shrugging, as if feeling like this was a bit strange to consider. I was feeling like maybe Josiah was going to be doing something that would make it all just be a bit different for us.

"Honestly, I would never do something like that. I wouldn't even dare to do that. I mean, I would not want to miss out on Henry's birthday for a second year in a row. He was really not happy when I was gone last year on it." After Josiah was saying that, I was seeing him sort of looking like it was kind of funny. But at the same time, I was aware that he knew that this was not really a playing matter, and something that he could not mess with.

"Yeah, I guess that maybe something like that might be possible. I just thought that there would have been something that you were planning on doing in the mean time. I know that Henry often times gets insecure about his birthday." I said, and I did not blame him for being like this. After all, his birthday was New Years Day, which meant that when it was his birthday, or when he would talk about it, he was worried that people would be thinking he was lying about it all.

He said to me a couple of weeks ago that he felt like that was the one day in which people would have been accusing him of lying more than anything else. Because that would seem to be 'too convenient' to be having your birthday on. I kind of felt bad for him, but I was in no way shocked that he was feeling this way, and I was just sort of wondering what it was like to be having a birthday nobody would believe him on.

"Well, I think that he might just be thinking a bit too closely into it. I mean, I think that I just need to be there for him, and that I need to at least acknowledge something like this first." After Josiah was telling me this, I was feeling like I was just needing to sort of find something better to say. Something that could make this whole thing seem to be just a bit different for us all.

"Well, what type of stuff do you want to play at the concert?" I asked, and then I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to find something else to say. I was seeing him clearly looking like he was wanting to be finding a different route, but then he was just looking almost excited once he had the couple of seconds to be able to get over the question.

"Well, we do not want to be considered boring and repetitive. So we are going on a few different songs, and see how things are going to be. I just think that maybe with different songs, people might be much more interested and seeing how things can be." After Josiah said that, he was looking like he was then thinking of what the name of the song would be. "I plan on making a song that still has some of the rock feel to it, but maybe a little bit more of the stereo beat to it."

I was looking at him, confused and not even going to pretend like I was able to understand what the stuff he was talking about really was. I was feeling like maybe when he was saying stuff like this, I was just going to have to think more on what the hell he was wanting to accomplish here. But then I was looking at the window of the house, and then I was thinking about Claire once again, thinking about what it was going to be like to hang out with her.

"I think that I will take your advice on just hanging out with my friends. I do not want to be dealing with anything else. I do want to go on and hang out with my friends, and make it all different." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to be finding something different to keep it all together. I was just feeling so lost on the idea of having some friends here. "I mean, I think you guys should hang out with them. They are so cool already." I said, and I was seeing Josiah looking like he was sort of wanting to go along with it.

"Well, that Claire girl seems to be nice so far. I mean, I know absolutely nothing about her, but I think that maybe I could still get along with her soon enough." After Josiah was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was just wanting to be seeing where this whole thing was about to be heading now. I was then thinking about what the hell we were even doing.

"She helped introduce me to a couple of people, and everything is really cool so far. She introduced me to some form of tree house in the forest." I said, and with that, I was seeing Josiah looking like he was suddenly getting worried, and that he was unsure of what to say. He told me he would tell me some stuff later, but that I needed to not bring this up to anybody else, under any circumstance. I nodded, confused on this whole thing. As well as slightly worried too.

...

-Dec 18 1993 7:45 pm- When I was hanging out with Claire, I was feeling like I needed to just ask her the main question. The one thing that I felt like was going to be more important than anything else, and I did not care what she was going to be saying. I just needed to say something to sort of help me understand what was happening right now.

"Claire, I was hanging out with Josiah a bit last night, no wait it was only a few hours ago. Anyways, so when I was hanging out with him, I mentioned the whole tree house thing to him, and he was really scared of this. Almost as if he was feeling like I basically mentioned something on par with Pandora's box. I really don't get it, and I just really have no idea what to say." I said, and then I was feeling like Claire might not get the whole thing, and why this was so strange. But I was feeling like I just needed to see what she was going to do here.

"I think that it might be strange that he is saying something like that. But I would not be thinking that it is too big of a deal. I think that you just need to listen to him if you are thinking that you should not be getting in this whole thing." After she was telling me this, I was feeling like what she was saying was not going to be making a big difference. I mean, I had nothing against the way that she was feeling here.

"I just think that maybe I should be going back there, and seeing if there is something that we missed the first time that is creating this amount of a reaction from them." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to sort of see what the hell she was going to say now. I was needing to know if Claire was going to have any plans to this.

I was seeing her sort of looking like she had no idea what I was going to be saying to her. "Do you want to go on and see if there is something with me? Or do you think that you will be sitting this one out? I mean, I would not blame you if you are like this. But I just feel like I need to kind of understand why my brothers are bothered by this." I said, standing up, sort of feeling like I was going to be making a big mistake by doing all of this. But I did not give a single shit right now.

"Lydia, I think that as fun as I would be having going on an adventure with you, if your older brothers are making a big deal out of this, and pretty much just telling you not to get into this, then I think that maybe you are going to just have to just listen to them." Claire was telling me, and then she was wanting to see if I was going to listen to her right now.

"I know that they are all going to be telling me that this is a bad idea. But I think that if I have a way to be sort of just putting the mystery to rest, then I think that it might be worth it." I said, and then I was sort of wondering what she was going to be telling me. I had seen her looking like she was really wishing to debate with me on this. But then I was just going to need to be taking this a bit better on this.

"Besides, if we go together, and there really is something going on right now, then you can be able to tell everybody that there is a issue, and then we could be able to work together to sort of fix this whole thing." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and I was seeing that Claire was sort of looking like she was able to see the logic to this whole thing. Even if she had not wanted to go on and admit this.

"I guess that maybe we can also bring some of our other friends into this, like I can convince Lily and Rosa to do this with us. Maybe they might be having some stuff they might know. Especially Rosa, since she knows so much about the town in the first place." After Claire was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was clearly thinking that this was fine enough. I was feeling like I just needed to not be arguing with her on any of this right now.

"Yeah, I guess that Rosa will be interested in going on to try this whole thing out. You know, since she liked to be doing this anyways. I guess that maybe when we try to get her to talk about what her plans are, then maybe we are going to have to be working harder on this." I said, and then I was thinking on how much easier it would be to convince Rosa than it would be to convince Lily.

"I wish that we had a starting point. I mean, aside from walking to the treehouse, and looking inside of there, I can't really come up with any other places I can look for. And when I tell my brothers that I know some of this stuff, they might be more willing to go on and check out what I am looking into." I said, and then I was feeling like this was something that would either gain or lose all the respect they were having for me.

I knew that I needed to just take the risk, and see what the heck they were wanting to know. What the heck they were trying to be hiding from us in the first place. "Hey Claire, how the heck are we going to be able to hide what we learn? You know, to make sure that people don't get in our business over what is happening." I said, and then I was looking at her, sort of wondering what the heck I was going to need to tell her here.

"I think that if you want to find something, and not tell your brothers, maybe you will have to start to see where Gabe is coming from. I feel like maybe he does not want to be hiding the truth, but that he feels like he has no choice." After Claire was telling me this, I could not believe that she was defending my older brother, and that she was basically admitting that lying was alright.

But as I was thinking about this, I was feeling like I was just sort of needing to be considering where this was coming from. I mean, she was meaning well. Even if I did not fully agree to what was being said to me. "I mean, I know that he is a nice guy. But I feel like maybe if I tell him that I know some stuff, he will either just be lying to me, or will actually open up more." I said, and then I was shaking my head, feeling like I was needing to sort of see where this was coming from in the first place.

"Do you think that he is wanting to lie? I mean, I think that maybe you are going to have to know that if he is a nice guy, he will probably be feeling like this is the only thing that matters." After Claire was saying this to me, I was looking at her, sort of wondering what the hell she was going to be telling me now. I was wanting to find something else. But I could not come together with any of this.

"I don't know. But I feel like with the stories Todd gave me, Gabe's behavior in general lately, the way that Josiah acted when I mentioned the tree house, and Seth's confusion to everything right now, I still feel like there must be something happening, and that maybe I just need to sort of be patient on this whole thing." I said, and then I was wondering what the heck I was going to accomplish by anything here.

"Or maybe they are all playing one big prank on you." Claire said, and I was looking at her, as if feeling like what she was saying was just totally asinine, and I was even looking at her as such. She was looking down, as if feeling like even she knew how odd it was by saying something like that. But I still responded before the voice inside of my head was telling me not to.

"If they were pulling a prank on me, the prank would be really stupid, and I think that it would sort of be worn down by now." I said, and then I was shrugging, feeling like she was being innocent enough. But I was taking a deep breath, sort of trying to find something to keep the statements more on check. "I'm sorry. I just feel like there is zero reason to believe that any of this is a joke." I said, and then I stood up, ready to continue my journey.

"I am going to check what is going on. Surely there must be something in the tree house, and I will find the truth here. This is the only thing that really matters." I said, and then I was shaking my head, looking right at Claire, and then I was starting to smile, thinking of how fun it would be to do something like this in the first place.

"Fine, if you are already pretty much deciding what you are going to be doing I will just see what is going on to help out." After Claire was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was just clearly unsure of what the heck was going on at this rate, and I was feeling like I was sort of feeling like I was needing to be seeing where this was about to be heading now.

"I just feel like when I am there, something will make some sense out of this." I said, and then I was feeling like I was needing to be taking this whole thing easier, and I was feeling like one of these days, I was going to be needing to find some form of truth to this whole stuff. But then I was feeling like the tree house was the only thing that even came remotely close to mattering in the long run.

"Well, I think that maybe we should be heading out now. Maybe we can go on and see what Lily and Rosa are doing. Even though I barely know this Rosa girl, so I do not even know if she will like me." I said, feeling like that was going to be the hardest part of this whole thing, and was going to be the only part of the experiment that would be sort of ruining this entire thing. No matter how hard it was going to be.

Eventually, I was seeing Claire looking right at me, as if she was feeling like once again, I was being too worried over something that was not that big of a deal. "I think that you do not give yourself enough credit. I think you need to understand that she is going to probably like you enough. I doubt that this is really going to matter." Claire was saying to me, and then I was feeling like I just needed to find something better to be doing right now, to keep this whole thing going.

"I guess that I will be giving this a chance. I mean, I don't really know what to feel right now. I mean, I guess that I am just worried about being the odd one out." I said, and then I was thinking about what the heck was even going to be happening right now. I was feeling like this whole thing was just being a bit strange. I just want to get this over with, and see how it was going to bring it all together, to make it feel like we were starting to accomplish something.

As we were getting out of her house, that was when Claire was looking at me, as if trying to find something she would be able to say to make me feel a bit differently on this whole thing now. "Hey Lydia, I will just let you know that if she makes a issue on this whole thing, then I will tell her that this is not something that I will have to want to deal with. I will pretty much make it clear to her that I want you two to be able to get along." After she was telling me this, I was looking at her, as if feeling l ike sh emight be trying a bit too hard on all of this.

"I will sort of just see what it is like before I want to try and do anything. I think that this might be best." I said, and I was truly meaning what I had been saying. I had felt like no matter if for nothing else, we were going to have to sort of have to find something to make it all different. We were walking out of the house, and I was feeling like the idea of making this friendship go on and get deeper was going to be the only thing that really mattered at the end of the day.

I was then thinking about the fact that I was needing to remember what my brothers were going to be telling me. They would be trying to tell me to be taking it easy, and that I was looking too deeply into this, and be basically acting like I was being too serious. I knew that maybe Claire was right. But at the same time, I was not really even caring what the heck was even happening in the first place. I was feeling like I was never needing to be so worried over anything like this, ever again, and that I just needed to get over it and stuff.

"Claire, how long have you known Rosa?" I asked, and I was feeling like maybe she was going to be able to enlighten me on how this whole thing was going, and make me feel not so worried on this. I was not really sure if I was fully willing to play along with this yet. But I was feeling like maybe when I was going to work with Claire, and see what she was feeling, I was going to get more out of this than I was wanting to admit.

"A couple of months. Nothing too long, but I think that they are all cool." After Claire was telling me this, I was feeling like I was going to have to be taking this into account as we were getting near where Rosa had lived, and I was feeling like maybe I needed to sort of just remember that she was thinking Rosa would like me enough, and that was something I needed to remember if I wanted to give Rosa a chance as we were near the yard of where she lived.

...

-Dec 18, 1993 11:00 pm- We were at the door, and I was really unsure of what the hell this Rosa girl was going to be like, since she was probably going to be thinking that this was a bit strange, and find the fact that we were trying to talk to her this late at night to be the most insanely random and annoying thing to be doing right now, and she would probably not be very nice to us at first. I would not blame them either.

She answered the door, and she was looking right at us, and she was confused on what to be doing right now. This was a bit strange, and I was feeling like I just needed to introduce myself to make sure that none of them are going to be annoyed with this, and that I was not going to ruin their opinion of me and stuff. "Hey, my name is Lydia, and Claire was telling me all about you." I said, and then I was smiling, thinking that what I had said was all great.

Rosa was looking at Claire, sort of going through the motions. On one end, she was probably greatly annoyed with the time that this was done, but on the other hand, I was thinking that she was almost kind of excited to be seeing how this whole thing would have come along. "Hey Claire, do you think that Lydia would be fitting right into the social group?" She asked carefully, sort of wondering what the heck we were going to be saying now.

"I think she is a really nice person so far, and I think we should go and hang out with each other as a group. Lily already likes her enough." After Claire was saying this to Rosa, I was seeing her looking like she was clearly thinking about this a bit more. She was probably just trying to decide what the heck she was going to be feeling right now.

"Alright, if you think that she will be able to fit in just fine, I guess that I should give her a chance." After Rosa was saying this to Claire, she was looking at me, as if sort of more glad than she was wanting to admit that this was the case. I was seeing her clearly not wanting to say that she wanted to see how this could go. But the look on her face made it clear.

"So Lydia, how have you been for the break so far?" Rosa asked, feeling like maybe as long as she asked something as simple as that, we were going to be able to sort of get something going right now. I was feeling like maybe this was just her really wanting to see if we have any form of common connection now.

"Break has been nice so far. My brothers are just being a little bit rough with me, but nothing too bad. Nothing that I am not used to." I said, and then I was looking at Rosa, wondering what she could be thinking of what I was saying, and if she had any real opinion on this matter. I was feeling like maybe I just needed to see where this was going to actually go now.

"That is good. I mean, I only have one sibling, a younger sister. So I have no real idea what it is like to be having a large amount of siblings. From what I heard, it seems like you have a large one. But I guess that it is not really any of my business what it is like." After Rosa was saying this to me, I was feeling like I was just needing to be sort of seeing where this was going to be heading now. I was sort of just wanting to bring it all together in some fucking form or fashion.

"I heard that Claire is an only child, and I can't even begin to imagine what it is like to have literally no siblings at all." I said, and then I was smiling, sort of just unsure of what the heck I was going to try and say now. I was feeling like maybe I was needing to just be sort of finding something else to say, but it was just a bit hard to deal with now.

"If you think that stuff like this is strange, then I think you might need to just go on and see people with little to no siblings more often, and see how it is like, and then you will see that this is not the strange thing to be dealing with." After she said that to me, I was looking at her, and I was knowing that Rosa wasn't meaning anything by it, but I had nothing that I was wishing to say right now at this whole thing.

"I know that I barely have anybody who I hang out with right now. I just think that it could have been nice to have something much smaller." I said, and then I was looking like I was needing to be finding something else to discuss. Something that was much more interesting, to sort of understand where this was going now. I was feeling like maybe I needed to keep that in my mind.

"Honestly, there was something that I was wanting to talk to you about. Something that I was hoping you would have known." I said, and then I was sort of just wanting to find something else to say, to sort of keep it all together. I was then seeing her looking confused, but also just wanting me to sort of just say it and get it over with.

"I was shown that tree house in the forest by Lily and Claire. I was then telling a couple of my older brothers about this, and they were telling me that something was going on there. Something bad. But I was told that you were the first one to know about this place. So do you have any advice here?" I asked, and then I was looking like I was needing to be taking this way too seriously, and I was seeing her sort of looking like she was just needing to get over it.

"Well, I think that maybe they are just telling you that stuff to make sure that you do not get into the cool stuff in the house. I bet that maybe they are just wanting to keep something for themselves." After Rosa was saying this to me, I was shrugging, and then I was feeling like I just needed to have to go through this adventure for the fifth time. Which was a bit annoying, but maybe I had no choice but to do this.

"Honestly, I am just thinking that something like this is just not true. I mean, if I were to explain why, nobody would get it. But the thing is that I wanted to go on and talk with them more, but they never wanted to speak with me about this stuff. They were looking terrified. If it was just one of the siblings, I would have brushed it off as the way you guys are suggesting. But with more than that, and pretty much all of my older ones, I can't brush this off." I said, feeling like I just needed to keep this whole thing together, to make it seem better.

"I mean, I wanted to just act like they were being annoyed with dealing with me on this whole thing, but in all honesty, I just feel like it is not true to be dealing with this. There is just so much more than I wanted to admit going on." I said, and then I was looking at them, I was sort of feeling like I just needed to be finding some real interest to be keeping up this whole debate a bit longer.

"But what do you think they would even want to be not talking about? I think that you need to think that one out a bit better." She said, and I was feeling like she was not meaning anything wrong with it. But I was feeling like I just needed to sort of find a way to be going through all of this.

"I don't know honestly. I think it might be different for each of them. That is the thing that is scaring me. The fact that I genuinely have no idea what is going on is the thing that is sort of bothering me now." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to kind of wrap my mind on this here. I was feeling like maybe I needed to know what Claire and Lily would believe with this.

"I just wish that I knew what to tell them. I mean, I feel like I want to go on and look into it a bit. Do you think that something like this could be interesting to do?" I asked, and then I was looking right at them, wanting to get Rosa to accept my offer. I was needing her to be playing with me with my ideas right now. I had felt like this was just all that mattered now.

"Well, if you feel like you really need to be doing this, and you are cool with bringing me along, I would be cool with coming along." Rosa said, and I was seeing her looking like she was almost finding this whole thing to not only be possible, but fun as hell. I was then smiling at this idea, feeling like I just sort of needed to see where this was going to be heading. I was feeling like I just needed to know what Rosa was wanting to say here.

"Hey Rosa, what do you think we should be doing right now? How do you think that we would be getting any answers with all of this now?" I asked, and I was feeling like I just sort of needed to be seeing where this whole thing was going to be going, and how I would be able to handle it all.

"I think that if you are serious about this, then we can go on and gather up Lily, and create a group of four where all four of us are going to be able to pull this whole thing together. I think that this is going to be a good idea, to create a situation of something like power in numbers." After Rosa was saying that to me, I was then seeing Claire looking at me and she was almost looking like this was a good idea now.

"I think that I should also try and talk to my siblings about some clues. Once I learn some stuff, I think that I might be able to pull all of this together." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just sort of needing to find something to keep this whole thing feeling like I was not going to be going crazy. I just needing to be aware of all of the options, and any of the possible outcomes before I could be able to pull this together.

"Honestly, they might be hating this idea. I think that no matter what you might be doing, they might just be brushing you off, and just pretending like it is not really going to be coming together." After Rosa was saying this, I was placing my hand on my face, trying to be finding something better to do. I feel like I just needed to be finding some actual answers to keep it all together.

"I want to be able to ask them some stuff. I think that this is the only thing that I can fucking do. I mean, I want to act like this is not really happening. But I guess that nobody is really going to actually be listening to me too." I said, and then I was looking right at them, sort of feeling like I was needing to be finding a proper answer on all of this, and I was feeling like this was a terrible answer, even if I did not want to admit it.

"Just give it a go if you feel like this so important." After she was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she had wanted to be sort of changing the subject. Nothing too much, but enough to sort of get us to a different point. Not that I could blame her for feeling like this at the moment.

"I think that maybe I just need to come up with some ideas, and just sort of see what ones are going to be best. I mean, I feel like that is all that I can be doing here." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to be finding something else to do, and I was feeling like nothing else was going to be making any difference to all of this. But I just sort of hated what was going on in a way. But either way, I was glad to know they were willing to work with me now.

...

-Dec 20 1993 3:45 am- I was looking right at my ceiling, and I was feeling like I was just needing to be finding some way to be making this whole thing look like it was not bothering me all that much. I was needing to find a way to be making this whole thing look like it was at least sort of mature in my own way. I did not know how it was going to be like, and I did not really fucking care how to be making it all work.

I was not even caring what people were going to be saying about this now. I was just needing to find out the truth to my brother, and I was needing to do whatever it took to be getting there. I did not care what it was going to be like. I was going to force the truth out of them, and I was going to be making Gabe see that I was not going to be having any other way around this.

I needed him to sort of get where I was coming from, no matter what was going to be coming out of this here. If he was going to be making a huge deal out of this, then I felt like I was just going to have to be taking the answers for what it had to be, one way or another. I was just scared for him, and I needed to get him to see that one way or another.

I was getting up the stairs, and I was thinking about how the twins were going through all of this. I was feeling so damn bad for them on this whole thing. They had no idea what the heck was going on, and I was feeling like if I was in that spot, I would be feeling so much better on this all. I would be feeling like I was going to finally have my own clear idea on where to go. I was scared on what he was doing, and I was scared that nobody would talk with him here.

As I was finally feeling like I was having something more important to be looking into, I was feeling like I was sort of just going to be seeing where this was going to head, and I was going to just need to be going on and seeing what the hell we were even planning on doing now. Once I was up the stairs, I was looking at the area, just trying to sort of feel like I needed to sort of see where this was heading now.

I was looking around, and when I was looking at the living room, I was feeling like it was only going to be a matter of time before he was going to be around, and then I was going to be able to confront him, and see what was going on with him. I was feeling like this was all that I had needed to be doing right now. I was then thinking about what it would be like if he was doing the right thing, and if we were all getting in his way right now for nothing.

I was feeling like maybe I was going to just have to be finding a way to just sort of know the truth, and when I was together, and I was able to know what my brother was going through, I would be able to make him feel better. His happiness, and my understanding, both when put together, were going to be the only thing that would give me the answers that I had really needed here. The only things that mattered.

When this was something I knew that I was going to be looking into, I was sort of just trying to be finding a answer on how to make it all work, and I was just going to be finding out what I was going to be saying to him to make him feel like I was not attacking him, and then we were going to be able to come together, and be friends on this whole thing, and actually know what was bothering us.

As I was sort of coming to the answers here, and then just sort of feeling like the answers were all that I had ever wanted, I was feeling like I was going to be able to find the answers that I had needed to sort of be bringing it all together. I was thinking about my friends, and the stuff that I was going to be soon looking into with them.

As I was thinking about that a little bit longer, I was just going to be seeing what the heck I was even going to be saying to him to sort of bring it all together. I was standing up, and then I was seeing that I was seeing a person who was in one of their rooms, making some noises, and I was feeling like I just needed to sort of see what the heck was going on with him. I was feeling like when he was going to show up, I was needing to be coming together.

I was seeing Seth walking out of his room, and he was clearly planning on just going to the bathroom, and I was feeling like I was just needing to sort of feeling like I could be able to hear the worst from his perspective. I was feeling like I was needing to sort of just talk with him, and see what was bothering him about all of this. I felt like I had a idea on what to be hearing from him, but I was wanting to hear it all in a normal matter.

I was calling out to him, feeling like I was just needing to hear what was happening at this rate. "Hey Seth, I was wondering if you were wanting to talk for a bit about some stuff." I said, and then I was saying this in a way that I could be able to see that he was aware that refusing me was going to be the worst thing for both of us. Then he was sitting down, and looking at me, just sort of wishing to be getting this whole thing over with.

"Honestly, I think that I might be aware of where you are going to be coming with this. I feel like you are going to want to talk to me about Gabe, and try to get my perspective on all of this stuff. You know, to see how much this broke me or something." Seth said, and then he was looking at me, as if feeling like he needed to see if I was on the right track.

I was sighing, feeling like I was not going to be lying to him, since doing something like that was just going to be a mess. "Honestly, yes you are right. That is the main thing that I was wanting to discuss with you over. I knew that this whole thing was bothering you, and that you needed to just talk it out." I said, and then I was looking at him, wondering what he was going to say to me here, if anything at all.

Then he was sighing, feeling like he was needing to be finding a way to talk to me without making it seem like he was not going to be making me feel terrible. Something that he was feeling like was needed to be done for our own fucking sake. "Honestly, I think that you are just needing to be letting this go. I want to talk about it. But doing so will not make any difference." He said, and then he was clearly looking like he was wanting to see where this was going now.

"Fine, I will just accept the fact that you are being a broken man, and that you are too scared to talk about the fact that you feel like people do not care for you." I said, and I was not wanting to even say it like that. But the way he was looking at me was clearly a hurt one. But one of understanding.

"I just don't want to admit it. I am too scared to admit it. That is the truth. That is the only thing that matters. The fact that I am scared to admit it, and that is the only thing that is keeping me along here." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him just sort of wanting to have me stop here, that I made my point. But then he was looking like there was more he could say.

"I mean, if you feel like you want to help out, and you want to try and make me feel better, then maybe we can discuss this at some point. But I feel like I just need to sort of make peace with myself. Knowing that I need to just get over it all." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he had wanted to say more, but that he was too scared to do so.

"I do want to help out. I mean, I saw how much it hurt you inside when you were having that happen. Not just slightly bother you, like I saw that you were truly affected by the fact that he had done that, and I was wanting to help you." I said, and then after I was telling him this, I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to try and argue with me. But that he was just not going to be making this whole thing come together at all.

"It did break me. But that was almost two weeks ago. I mean, if I am still upset about that, then I am no better than anybody else. I just need to grow up, and accept the fact that people have more important things to be dealing with. Please, just let me be able to try and put this whole thing behind me. Just try and help me sort of pretend like the hurt never really went down, and then I can maybe move on with my life." After he was saying this to me, and I was seeing him looking desperate, I was seeing that on this case, I really did over step the line without even meaning to.

...

-Dec 20 1993 3:30 pm- I wanted to get right to work, and that was what I was doing that day when I was getting up, and then I was walking out of the room, and I was going to be heading on right to where Claire had lived, and then we were going to be getting right into the whole main thing, and then we were going to be doing the stuff that I had felt like was most important.

I was walking to the door with my shoes on, and then that was when Seth was looking at me, and I was seeing that he was only pretending to work as he was standing up, and then he was placing his hand on my shoulder. "Hey Lydia, I was thinking about what you were talking about and stuff. You know, last night was just giving me some time to be thinking on this." After he was saying this to me, I was just wanting to get along to this.

"Listen, I am glad that you are willing to talk with me about this, but I was planning on going on to hang out with Claire today, and I was thinking that I needed to just get right to it." I said, and then I was seeing Seth looking like he was kind of hurt by this. As if he was starting to realize that in his mind, he was the least favorite among this family. But then he was looking down, trying to pretend like it was not hurting him all that much right now.

"Honestly, I was kind of worried you were going to be saying that. I was wanting to talk with you on this stuff. But even you are thinking that you are too good for me. I was just wanting to talk to you about some of the stuff with Gabe. But I guess that maybe this can wait for a while." He was saying, and I was seeing him sort of looking like he was wanting to say more, but had no idea what to be doing now.

"I know that it might be sounding rough for me to be like this right now. But maybe if you really wanted to go on and hang out with some girls, then I guess that you can come along. But I doubted that you would be interested in something like this." I said, looking at him to sort of challenge him in a way of seeing if he was going to do it. I was sighing, feeling like I just needed to keep this together. But then he was looking like he needed to think a bit.

"Do you think that they would be willing to tag along with me? I mean, I am a lot older than them, and they might be thinking that I am too old to get into the swing of things right now." After he was saying this to me, I was placing my hand on his shoulder, feeling like I was going to just have to go along with it.

"I mean, if you wanted to try, then I guess that maybe we can go on and see what this is like. I mean, if they are willing to accept me, and they are willing to make me feel welcome, then I think that it could be worth the chance." After Seth said that to me, I was seeing him sort of looking like he was unable to believe that he had admitted to something like this. That he was willing to go along with a plan to hang out with a bunch of random girls.

"Just know that what I am going to be doing with them might be a bit strange for you, and you might not be ready for anything like this." I was saying, mostly meaning it, but this was also my one last attempt to see if I was going to be able to get him to change his mind on this. He was looking at me, and he was wondering what I was going to be doing.

"There are some things that I think Gabe might be up to, and I feel like I need to just go along and see what it is. I feel like if I look hard enough, and I see what is going on with him, then I can learn why this is happening, and learn the truth of this town." After I was telling Seth this, I was seeing him looking much more serious. As if thinking that now I was suddenly going crazy, and that I needed to somehow get a grip on reality here.

"Listen Lydia, I might be interested in knowing the truth to this, but I think what you are doing might be a bit out of your league. I think that you are just going to need to be leaving this alone." After he was telling this to me, I was looking right at him, and then I was feeling like I just needed to sort of find something to say to make it different. I was sighing, and decided to counter act what was happening and what he was saying.

"Don't you want to know what he is doing? Don't you want to know what he is doing, and then be able to finally put behind this whole idea of uncertainty behind you? You know, finally just have the answers that you wanted? The answers that you need." I said, and I knew that I was probably going to be pushing this too far. But I did not care what he was thinking. He was looking at me for a moment longer.

"I do want to know what is happening. I think that I just need to know that you are going to be keeping yourself safe on this whole thing. Can you be able to promise me something like this?" After he had asked me this, I was seeing him looking scared, and I was feeling like maybe I needed to reach out to him more now.

"I am going to be fine. All we are doing is just looking around stuff. We would never do something we were not sure was going to be fine and dandy. Please, just give us a chance." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was feeling like maybe I was going to be seeing him change his mind on this, and that by doing this, I was going to be on the right path right now. I was seeing him slowly nod.

"I mean, I would like to finally just know what he is up to. Do you think that this will give us the answers that we need? You know, to finally just have an idea if what he is doing is for the best?" He was asking me, and then I was looking at him, and I was wanting to do badly just get him to see that I knew what I was talking about. That I was having this all planned out from day one, and that he was going to come along.

"If you are not into this very much, then all that I ask is that you never reveal what you know to anybody else. Once you do something like that, you will finally help me out." I said, and then I was thinking about what it would be like if Seth was at my side, and if we were going to be a team, that was not only going to place the answers at rest, but be able to sort of just move on from everything happening.

"I will want to see how it is. Please just let me try this out. I want to do this. I hope that I know what I am doing." After Seth was saying this, I was seeing him slowly nod, and then he was looking like this was his own calling in a way, and that this was the only thing that he had wanted to be doing. I was seeing him just sort of getting together his nerves, and I was feeling like I just needed to be patient with him a little bit longer.

"Let's head on out right now, and just get there as soon as possible. I think that this might be working out just fine." After I was saying this to him, I was feeling like he was going to be sort of seeing where I was coming from, and that I was going to finally get a good ally at my side. A sibling who would be there to protect me, and learn the truth as well. It felt too perfect.

As we were about to be starting to heading out, we looked around to make sure that nobody was around. We were about to open the door and then leave when I was just getting over it, and then we were walking out of the house, and then I was hearing a person calling out to us. I was turning around and seeing Jack placing his arms on the rails to the stairs of the house, and he was looking like he was just feeling a small amount of sympathy for this situation.

"Trust me, you do not want to be getting into this. I know exactly what is happening right now. I have seen some of this stuff. I would rather just have you let Gabe be taking care of all of this. Gabe would rather have you do that too. I agree with him." He was saying to me, and then he was looking at Seth and I. I was seeing both of us were just confused as to what Jack was talking about as he was walking down the few steps to come closer to us.

"You are pretty much discussing throwing everything away because of some witch hunt. He has every right to be doing what he's doing. I saw everything." Jack was saying, and there was something about the tone of his voice that was showing that he was not lying to us. He knew everything that was going on, and I was feeling like I just needed to see what was happening, and then get my answer that way.

"Can you tell us what he is getting himself into?" I asked, and then he was shaking his head rapidly. I was seeing that whatever he was aware of, whatever he knew, was scaring the crap out of him, and that I just needed to finally just at least look at all of the pieces of evidence that was going on right now. I was wanting to just get to know how he was feeling at this.

"I can't tell you anything. I will never let you guys know what he saw. I will never let you guys know what I have seen. And if you are going to use your friendship with Claire and those other two girls to pretty much just exploit them, learn the truth, and then get some smoking guns on my brother, then I feel like maybe you are going to have to truly access your friendship with them. Are you friends with them really?" Jack asked, and then he was looking like he was truly wanting me to be honest here.

"Of course I am friends with them. Why would I not be friends with them?" I asked, and then I was seeing Jack looking right at me, and then he was looking like he could not believe that I was being this naive about this. Then he was taking a long and deep breath, feeling like he was just needing to get me to see it his way, and that he was going to pretend to be nice about this.

"Because of the fact that you do not know anything about them. I have not once seen you talk about them in a way that makes you show that you know a damn thing about them. You just let this stuff be done, and you do not seem to be showing any remorse at this whole thing." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him clearly looking like he was wanting to see what I was going to tell him, and if I would argue with him.

"Maybe we just can ask Claire, and see what she says about it. If she says that we are friends, then that is all that you need to know." I said, and I was trying to hide my annoyance with the way that he was speaking to me. I really did not appreciate what he was doing, and I was feeling like I needed to find a way to show him. But despite this, and not wanting to admit it, I was thinking that maybe there was some truth to it.

"I am sorry, but I feel like this whole thing is just a terrible idea. I mean, I want to be helping you feel better. I would not mind knowing the truth. But that was until I eventually learned what would be coming from it. Now I take it all back. I take it all back." He shook his head, and I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say more. But was too scared to do it.

"But that does not mean that you should force us to not look into it." I said, and then he was shrugging, as if feeling like what I had said was half true, and that he needed to think about that a bit more before he continued to be saying anything else. I was just wanting to see what he was coming from, and what he was wanting to do.

"You know, I would agree with you. What is going on here is none of my business if you look into it on your own. If you want to figure this stuff out, and do that as a side hobby, I can't stop you. That is entirely your choice. But I can't let you go around and force others into this. If they do not want to do it, they do not want to do it." He was saying to me, and I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say more here.

"How about I ask Claire what she thinks, and if she agrees, this will be the way we do it, and if not, then I will leave it alone. And if Seth wants to, he can come, and if he says no, then he will just go and be alone while I do this." After I was saying this to him, I was looking at him, wondering what he was going to say to this. I was looking at the two siblings, wondering when the darkness of the situation was going to be too much for us.

...

-Dec 20 1993 5:15 pm- Once I was at the house, I was having the worst panic attack of my entire life just looking at that door. I was scared that if I asked, Claire was either going to straight up tell me she did not like me, or she would lie about it, and then I was unsure of if we were actually friends or not. I was really feeling like something like this was quite possible. I hated this whole thing, and I was feeling like I was just needing to accept it all.

I knocked on the door, and I was feeling like no matter what was going to happen, since I did care for the way that she would be doing this, and I was feeling like either way the answer was going to be the most important one in my entire life, no matter what. I was just telling myself to be getting this over with, and not to be making a deal out of it.

"How are you?" Claire asked me when she was looking at me, and I was seeing her looking excited to be seeing me, but she was sort of wanting to see what the heck was going on here. I was feeling like no matter what she was going to be saying, I needed to just sort of talk with her, and just get really serious about what was happening right now. Not be making a fucking jokes or uncertainty on this.

"I was fine until about an hour or so ago. Then Jack told me that he was pretty much unsure of if we were even friends or something like that. He was feeling like there was a good chance that you do not like me, and that I had only been using you." I said, and then I was angry at the way I was talking, but I was feeling like I was just needing to be speaking to him and being honest. But then I was just needing to be seeing how I can change this all.

"Why would he be thinking about something like that? What makes him think that he can ask around, and pretty much be deciding what our friendship is like?" She was actually sounding kind of upset about this whole thing, and I was holding my hand up, trying to be feeling like maybe I was needing to be giving her a chance to sort of hear what his perspective was.

"Because he knows what we are looking into. Not just the fact that I was wanting to learn more. But he actually has some information. He clearly looked too scared to be going along with this, and I was wanting to help him out. But he was telling me that I was only using you, Lily, and Rosa to learn more. He feels like I am not being a true friend here." I was saying, feeling like I just needed to see what was going on here.

"Well, I mean, do you believe that this is true? Do you personally feel like you are only using us to learn about what your brother is doing? I mean, I know that you were clearly interested in something like that. But I mean, I know that you are having other things that interest you, and I know it is not the only thing you are interested in." After Claire was telling me this, I was seeing her looking like she was trying her best to be making me feel better, but had no idea how to do so.

"But should I be letting that come along more? I mean, the persona where I am showing other people that I care and all that stuff. I mean, I just want to be helping people out, but I feel like if it is personally putting everything I have with my family aside, then I think it is not worth it." I said, and then I was feeling like I just sort of needed to be seeing where this was coming from in my own way. I was just needing to see what was going on right now.

"I just want to be able to show you guys that I care about other things. And if that means that I can't look into this any more, then I guess that I will just stop doing it. I just feel like I need to finally get over this, and that I need to be letting people just sort of choose what they want to do. I want them to choose if they want to be going into this, or if they want to be leaving this friendship, and leaving this investigation behind." After I was telling her this, as calmly and patiently as possible, I was seeing her looking like she was wanting to say something else. But that she was feeling like there was no point in it.

"Well, I think that you are doing the right thing by finally letting people have a choice in the matter. I think that by doing that, you are showing a great level of restrain here." After she was saying this to me, I was sort of feeling like maybe I was just going to have to be keeping this whole thing up.

"And if somebody does not want to be helping you out, then I think you will just have to be accepting the fact that they do not like it. That you will just either have to stop talking to them, or stop talking about this with them." After she was telling me this, I was nodding, and I was feeling like I did not need to be going along with this. I was shaking my head when I was hearing this, feeling like I did not need to be hearing this, since the point was already made.

"When I am thinking about this, and thinking about what everybody wants to be doing, and telling me, then I feel like I am just going to have to be on my own, and not let the others get in my way on this. I think that this whole thing just might not be worth it in any way, and I am sort of feeling that now." I was saying, and then I was sort of just thinking about this whole thing, and I was feeling like I was going to have to accept all of the routes that are ahead me right now. But in a way, I was just over it all.

"I am fucking scared of all of this stuff. All of my friends and family want to know what is going on, but every time somebody has a chance to know what is happening, they all run away, and pretend like this is not going on. People pretend like this is just a stupid little bit." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just going to be needing to sort of get over it all. I know that I say that a bunch, but when I was dealing with this situation, at that moment, it was all I was thinking.

"I mean, I just think that if I do not learn the truth, it will be eating me alive. But hurting my friends, and hurting my family members, that will be eating me alive even more." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and I was feeling like this was the best that I was going to be getting out of this. It was the only thing that I could get be getting here.

"Well, what about the truth do you even care so much about anyways? I think that you need to be thinking about that better. I think you need to understand why you are wanting to know so badly, and then that can give you some answers." Claire was saying, and then she was looking right at me, and I was feeling like maybe I was needing to actually think about that more. I was needing to sort of get over it all. To sort of just come up with some idea on what to be doing now.

As I was ready to be giving a answer that I thought would be honest, I was seeing something I was scared of. A black car where I was seeing two men in black talking with each other for a moment, and I was feeling like maybe I was just going to have to be seeing what the hell was even going on. I was feeling like maybe I was just going to have to drop the subject right away. To give me some idea of what was happening.

...

-Dec 20 1993 6:45 pm- I was seeing Claire looking like she was wishing to find something better to be doing to sort of bring it all together. I was feeling like it was entirely my fault, and that I just needed to fucking accept the fact that this was going to be the worst spot that we were going to possibly be in. I was hating the fact that we were going to be meeting these two men right now.

The two guys were getting out of the car, and I was seeing them both looking like they were ready to just make our lives miserable if they were needing to. I was feeling like no matter what was happening, I was needing to at least just sort of keep it to myself. I was feeling like I just needed to not be angry with this guy, and that I just needed to be careful with what he was doing right now.

The guys were looking at Claire and I, and then they were thinking about the best way that they were going to be speaking to me right now, and that I was just going to be telling him the truth. I was seeing that they were looking ready to just make our lives miserable, but there was a call that was being made, which made them stop what they were doing, and they were just looking as if they were wanting to sort of get it over with.

"I have the two girls on sight. We plan on asking them all that they know, or we will be forcing it out of them. We do not plan on causing any real issues. Just knowing what they are getting themselves into." After the guy was saying this to the phone, I was seeing him looking like he was just sort of wanting to be speeding this process up, and get it all over with before they even really started with this whole thing.

"Why are you asking me to back down? I mean, we literally have the answers right here. We know what they are up to. We know what they are trying to plan. We got a chance to talk with them more." After he was saying this to the phone, I was seeing him looking a bit worried, and then he was seeming to find something to say to try and counter act whatever the guy on the other line was wanting to be telling him.

"I promise that I will not be asking them any questions that will hurt them. I am just going to be asking a few simple questions on what they know, and then after I am done, I will be getting to know their perspective here, and then I will be leaving this alone." He was saying, and I was seeing him just clearly not wanting to go further with this right now. I was seeing him looking like he was just wanting to continue with what was going on. But had no idea what to be doing now .

Eventually he was hanging up the phone, and then he was looking at Claire and I. "We just need to ask you some questions on what you know about this town. That is all that we want to know, and once we are done, we will be leaving you alone, and we will sort of just go on our own way. We will not harm you in any way." After he was saying that to us, I was seeing him looking like he was al most wanting to be proud of the fact that he did not need to hurt us, since he would learn the truth anyways.

"Why do you need to talk with us in the first place? We literally know nothing at all." Claire was saying, and then I was seeing her looking scared out of her fucking mind. "I have no idea what is going on, and Lydia does not know either." Claire had been letting her fear get in the way, and I did not blame her for feeling this way, and deep down I was feeling terrible for what was happening right now.

"I know that you have no idea, but Lydia over here... I think she knows something, but is not willing to tell me. I think that we are going to be having a nice and long discussion going on here, and we can sort of come to some form of agreement here." He was telling me, and then I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to be saying more. But then he was just sighing, thinking that there was nothing else to be saying now.

"What do you even want? It is all my brothers doing this. If you care so much what is going on, just talk with them. They know everything. I literally know nothing. I want to know more, but I think that if I did, then I would only be making things harder for everybody else." I said, and then I was looking at him, wondering if he had any idea what the heck was going on right now, and then he was just sighing, kind of clearly over all of this stuff.

"Listen Lydia, I have no intention on forcing anything out of you guys. Can you at least tell me something that I will be able to use to help along." After I was being told this, I was brutally tempted to try and tell them about the tree house. I had felt like the tree house was the only thing that would keep this whole thing going, and the only thing I could be able to tell them.

But as this was happenig, a second car was pulling up. I was scared of what was going to happen, since I knew what would be going on if whoever was in that car would try and get in the way. I knew that Claire was looking more excited. Which broke my heart, because I was well aware of what was going to happen.

I was seeing another black woman, who looked to be in her late twenties, and she was looking scared out of her ever loving mind at what this man was doing. The second man in black was just standing at the outside of the car, sort of waiting for something to happen. I was aware that this was Claire's mother, and I knew that no matter what was happening, it was going to ruin Claire's life, and now I really did know that I was the monster for doing this to her now.

As she was starting to run towards the two of us, to try and help Claire, the guy near the car took out a gun, and called out right to her, to try and give her a chance on this, to make her get out of here, and be able to see that this was a bad idea. "We are just casually having a conversation with her. We have no intention on doing anything of harm to them. All we need is for her to just tell us what we need to know." After the guy was saying this to her, I was then feeling like I was having no choice to keep us safe, but to break down.

"There is a tree house. I have no idea what is in the tree house. I just know that it exists. I know that it is where a lot of people like to hang out. Please keep us out of this. I have no idea what is happening, and I have no idea what my brothers are doing." I said, and then I was holding up my hand, and then I was feeling like maybe with this, I could be able to keep all three of us safe. Claire's mother was scared beyond comprehension, and I was wishing I knew how to save her.

Turns out, it did not matter after all. Before any of us could give another word, the guy with the gun was given a nod of approval by the guy who was talking with us. Before Claire's mother even had half a second to process what was going on, the guy shot a bullet in her head, and killed her instantly. Then after that, the guy who was talking with us gave us a serious look. "That is a sign of our contract, that we had this discussion. If it turns out you lied, I will go after one of yours next time." The man said to me, and then they walked along, skipping the body, and I was watching Claire wanting to fucking scream but she was too busy putting her hands over her eyes, to cry and make it look like she was not doing so. With that, something I had no expectation for happened, but boy when it did, I was certainly going to try and stop it now.

I was seeing Todd's car driving by like crazy, and then ramming into the car which the two men in black were coming from. I was looking right at Claire, and the moment of grief and mourning was instantly cut off with the fact that neither of us were expecting this. I was especially not expecting to see who was in the drivers seat, since Todd was the only one who was legally allowed to drive with a license.

I was seeing that Seth was the one who was driving, and I was just confused for a second, and then after that was over, I was seeing him looking like he was unable to believe what he was doing as well, and that he was wishing that none of us ever brough this up, to not get in trouble with the law or with Todd. I was seeing him looking like he needed to be getting us into the car and then we would be heading off now.

"What the fuck is happening?" I asked, and then that was when I was looking at Claire, and I was aware that even if this was really not the best timing, that this was much better than being a person given the chance to just get murdered. I knew that after what had happened, neither one of us were wanting that, and that we were dealing with it later.

We were walking on towards the car, and then the two men in black were ready to be doing something, but the one that one of them had was flown off several feet away, and then before anybody could react, Jack was getting out of the passenger seat of the car, and then he was holding a baseball bat that he started to use to beat up these guys.

Even though I knew that my brothers had the bets of intentions, and I was never going to be angry with what they were doing, I was just too scared for something happening to them. I was then seeing Seth looking horrified at what was happening, as Jack was beating these people enough to make them seriously hurt in his time, and then when he was done, or getting his point across, as he was feeling, I was sort of just trying to understand what was going on.

Then I was inside of the back of the car, and Claire got in right away. Jack gave one more whack to both of the men, and then he was running inside with the baseball bat. Then Seth was starting to speed up way more than the speed limit, and then he was driving for a bit, until we reached the house, and would be able to discuss what the hell was happening there, and I knew that no matter what, we were not going to be getting out of this, and that we just needed to get this over with. Then with that, Seth locked the doors, and I was seeing him just looking like we were needing to be getting to the point now.

"What the hell happened? And don't give me any of that stuff that you don't know. Just tell us the truth, and we will see what to be doing next. And I will not be telling anybody what we just went through, since I do not want the family in our business on this." After Seth was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was actually almost mad at me, and that this was all my fault.

In a way, for the first time ever, I was starting to see that maybe this was my fault, and it took all the way until a person got murdered for me to see this. But then I was answering as if I had no idea what to be feeling right now. "We were talking for a bit, and then these two guys showed up out of nowhere, and we were forced to talk with him, and then we told him about some tree house. And then after that, the car showed up, and then you started to beat the tarnation out of that duo." I said, and then after I was saying this to them, I was seeing Seth and Jack looking like they could not believe that any of this was actually happening in the first place.

"This is fucking insane. What are you going to be doing about this? I mean, you are seven years old, and you act like you are going to be solving a grand old mystery. I can't possibly be able to pretend like this is a good idea, and I feel like you need to actually get off your high horse and realize that we are in a lot of trouble right now." Seth said, and then he was looking right at us, and I was seeing for the first time in my life, that he was not even willing to pretend like he was giving me a chance to get out of this here.

"I thought nothing was going to be happening out of this. I thought that there were no way that they would have cared about us." I said, and then I was looking at Jack and Seth, and then I was seeing that both of them were looking like they could not believe that this was happening, and I was seeing that they were just trying to find a way to fix this.

"There is nothing that we can fucking do about it now. I think that maybe we just need to find a way to be making this all come together. I think that you guys need to strictly promise to not be getting in this anymore. That you will let it go." He was saying, and I was seeing him looking like he was willing to just make his position very clear here.

...

-Dec 20 1993 11:30 pm- When I was sort of wrapping up for the night, I was back where Claire's house was, and I was seeing her looking at me. She was looking like she had no real idea what to be saying. I was feeling like I just needed to find some way to be getting this over with, and that I just needed to be able to get her to feel like I was sorry for all that was happening. I was feeling like this was the worst thing that I had ever done.

"Claire, if you do not want to hang out with me anymore, or you do not feel like you have any idea what to be doing, and you do not want to look into this now, then I will understand, and I will be able to just leave you alone forever." I said and then then I was just needing to be finding something else to say. But I was not wanting to stop her from whatever she was going to be saying to me, and I was feeling like I deserved it for once in my entire life. That I was sort of just getting used to this fact.

She was looking at me, and then she was taking a long and deep breath, feeling like she was finally able to be making a response on this. "You just couldn't leave it alone. For some reason, you were going along and dragging this out to hell and back. You were feeling like you were actually doing something good here. But now that you are acting like you are a voice of justice, that is just false." She said, and then I was seeing her looking like she was ready to just break down. I knew that I deserved whatever she was going to be telling me, and that she needed to just get it over with.

"But you do mean well. You do have good intentions. I just wish that I was able to be able to see it where you came from. If I cold do that, then maybe I would be able to make a difference. I think that something is going on here." After she was saying this to me, I was feeling like nothing else would have mattered. I was just needing to be a man and listen to her for once in my life.

"I need some time to know what I need to do to get the truth. I need some time to decide where to go." Claire was then looking right at me in the eyes, and then I was seeing her looking like she was submitting herself to fate on this next bit, and I was feeling like there was nothing that I was going to be able to do that would change her mind on all of this. I was feeling like whatever she had to say, was going to be the worst thing in the world, and that I just needed to hear her say this, and then be done with it.

"I want to be able to continue to hang out with you. It is not your fault. If your brothers were still doing this, they would have been leading to you anyways. This whole thing was bound to happen. Even if I hate to admit it." After she had said that to me, I was seeing her looking like she was just sort of accepting fate, and accepting reality to the whole thing. I was smiling at the fact that it had seemed like she was not rejecting me, but still sad over what was going on.

"I think that we should continue to be looking into this. At one point, I would have said that we should not. At one point, I would have argued that you should not be doing this. But now that we have all this stuff going on, and I know that something will happen if we don't, then I feel like we just need to do it." After Claire was done with this, I was then feeling like we were now going to be finally having our path ahead of us. I was feeling like the path was all that we needed to work on. I was feeling like even if my brothers did not get it, they would have just accepted the fact that this was my own stuff.

"I think that if you wanted to stop though, and put this all behind you, then I think you would have every excuse in the world what is going on." I said, and then I was feeling like I just needed to be sort of seeing what the heck was happening. I needed to be seeing what I could say to change this all in my favor. I was feeling like I just needed to wait a bit longer here.

"But even if I wanted to stop, I could not. I would want to know what is happening, why this is happening. But that being said, I think we do need to wait at least. You know, until we have actual ideas." Claire said, and then she was smiling the most she possibly could in the situation, and I was feeling like maybe this was a miracle that she was even giving me that. "I mean, I do not want to create a suicide run."

After she had said that to me, I was nodding, feeling like this was something I was certainly going to be able to give her. I was feeling like this was the very least that I could do, and that I just needed to grow up, and I needed to be seeing what the heck was going to be making this go along. "Yes, I will do my best to make sure this does not turn into a suicide run." After I was telling Claire this, I was seeing her looking happier at this whole thing.

"As long as we are on the same page, and we do not go around like crazy, then I guess that I will be fine with this. I mean, I think that this is the least that I could be able to do here." After Claire was telling me this stuff, I was looking at her, and I was feeling like we were just sort of needing to be seeing what the hell was even happening at this rate, and I was wishing to at least have a start on what was supposed to be happening. If I had a start, I would make a solution.

"Claire, what the heck are we going to be doing now? I mean, maybe we can tell the others what is going on. You know, Rosa and Lily. I think they deserve some knowledge on this. I feel like I just need to get this together. I am just sort of unsure on what I am feeling now." I said, and then I was feeling like maybe I just needed to keep this together. I was feeling like almost none of this was even going to be having a solution that was even going to matter now.

"Just tell them that we are going to be sort of going slower now. I don't know. Keep my family out of it. Please keep the sob story out of it. Dad will come home tonight. He will know what to do." After Claire was saying this to me, I was seeing her looking like this was the one thing that I needed to give her. Even though I did not know who her father was. She never mentioned him before, and I was feeling like there was certainly more to this than she was wanting to let me know here.

"Do you think he will be able to help you?" I asked, and I was feeling like that was going to be the best way I was going to be able to look like I was having a idea on where to be heading here. I was feeling like maybe when I was going to hear from her, what was going on, and how her father was, then I would have a good idea on what to be doing now. I was thinking that whatever Claire was going to tell me, I would be able to sort of know what was happening now.

"Lydia, I would not worry about him. He's barely around, but he provides the money of the house. He knows what he is doing. Please do not drag him into this. I need at least one of them to stay. I barely know him, but I love him enough to not want to see anything happen to him." Claire said to me, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to give her whatever she was wanting, and that I was finally aware of how serious this was going to be for her.

Chapter Text

-Henry's POV Dec 21 1993 12:15 am- I was in my room, and I was wondering what was bothering Jack. I mean, he was clearly looking too annoyed or scared, or fucking something, to be dealing with anything right now, and I was worried that something must have happened to him, and I was just thinking that maybe if I told him what I was fearing, I could get him to finally open up and tell me some things that are going down.

"Hey Jack, I see that something is bothering you a bit." I said, and then I was seeing him looking at me, and I was just seeing that he was not really in the mood to be messing around with me right now. I was just trying to be helpful, and I was wanting to make him feel better. But the way that he was looking at me was clearly a sign that he was not in the mood right now.

"Honestly, I don't really want to be talking about it too much. If I talk about it, I will just be annoyed and angry at everything. I can't believe that nobody ever listens to me on anything. Nobody takes what I am saying seriously, and it just feels like I am that one annoying and random brother." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him clearly wanting to say something else. But he had no idea what to be saying now.

"If people took me more seriously, then I feel like something could be making it all better. I think that every time people ignore me, or brush me aside, the worst things are going to be around here." Jack was telling me, and I was seeing him looking like he was wanting to say something else. But had no clear desire to do something like this at all. I was just looking at him, worried about him.

"What is going on that is bothering you in the first place? I mean, you are ranting about people not listening to you, or treating you fairly, and yet you are not really giving me any idea what is going on." I said, and then I was looking right at him, and I was feeling like he just needed to try and actually explain some of these things to me. But then he was sighing, just looking like he was needing to continue to find something to tell me now.

"The thing is that I was warning people what was going on, and that I was trying to make them know that there were issues. I was doing my best to be making people understand the issues. But nobody actually stopped to ask me why I was like this. Why I knew what I talk about. I know better than almost anybody here, and nobody gives me a second glance." He said, and then he stared at me. For the first time, I truly worried for his own sake.

"Please do not just throw away what I am doing in the future. I know what I am doing, and I want to be able to help out. But if people don't actually listen to me, or take me seriously, then nothing else will matter." After Jack said that to me, I was seeing that he was looking too serious to know what to be doing now, to continue it all going.

"I don't know what's going on anyways. Do you think that maybe something like that is more important?" I asked, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to sort of see what was happening, but I was needing to be seeing what was happening. I was needing to see if he was actually going to be telling me anything, to help me understand more.

"I just know what Gabe is doing, and I know too much. I dug deep. I looked too deeply, and I regret ever doing it. Gabe was right. This was none of my damn business, and that is something I am willing to admit. I wanted to help out. Get people to listen. But I guess that people just don't listen to reason." Jack said, and I was seeing him sort of wanting to see if I was listening at all.

"I mean, I was telling you not to be looking into this anyways..." I said, and then he was giving me death glares. I was seeing that maybe I did push him a bit on this, considering the look on his face. But then he was shaking his head, as if feeling like he did not want to deal with this right now. And almost like he was willing to admit that maybe he was wrong in his own way.

"I should have listened to you. But everybody should be listening to be. I know what I am doing, and the one time that I have an idea what the hell is happening, people just do not seem to listen to me." He was telling me, clearly looking like he was feeling like the one time that he was wanting to do good, was the one time that nobody paid him any mind. I was sort of just wanting to see what was going to be coming with this now.

"I guess that the best you can do is just not get into it yourself. I mean, if you feel like you can accomplish this, then wouldn't it all be some form of success? The idea of not knowing what is happening will keep you good." I said, and then I was feeling like Jack would finally change how he was feeling, and that maybe he was going to be taking me more seriously. Maybe even the family as a whole more seriously.

"Yeah, I guess that maybe there is some truth to this. I just feel like maybe I just have to be accepting the fact that Lydia and Seth and the others should be making their own choices. They are allowed to exercise their own freedom." After he was saying that to me, but I was feeling like I was just needing to see where this was heading now.

"But seriously, you should be happy for what you did." I said, and then I was seeing him looking right at me, and he was clearly looking like he was needing to be seeing what I was meaning. Almost as if feeling like he was just needing to sort of see where this was going on from. "You know, you actually tried to help somebody out. You should that you cared." I said, and then he was looking at me, as if sort of feeling like he needed to not argue with me.

"Honestly, I just wish that I knew what to do. I guess that complaining about this all will not be making any difference. I just thought that maybe if I went beyond, then I could get people to listen. But that is just not happening. Nobody will listen to me. People will view me as a burden, and that is all that I know." After he was saying that to me, I was feeling like I just had to listen for as long as possible with the stories.

"Don't worry about it. I won't go into this. I am not insane. Nobody who is sane would be going into this." I said, and then he was looking at me, as if feeling like he was clearly wanting to believe in me. But that maybe this was something that I needed to change my perception of. Since obviously some people did not feel the same way here.

"Maybe you're smarter than I thought. At least you have some common sense to not be basically throwing yourself into some form of suicide run. Who cares though? I am done with this, and I am going to be leaving this behind. I am done with everything, and that is the only thing that I know now." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him just wanting to say more. But that he was just feeling like there was nothing else that mattered.

"Anyways, thanks for talking with me. Thanks for just listening to me, and trying to be making this better for me." After Jack had said that, I was seeing him sort of feeling like he was coming close to being done with this. I was feeling like I just needed to be letting the subject go. I needed to be letting him sort of be going to bed. When he was laying down fully, I was seeing he was clearly done with this all.

When I was seeing that Jack was clearly done with this discussion, I was thinking about what to be doing now. I was standing up, and then I was feeling like I was needing to finally put this whole thing behind me. I was getting up to the stairs to the top floor, feeling like maybe when I was up stairs, and taking a moment, then I would be able to finally just sort of know what was happening. And I could take a moment of a break.

Once I was up the stairs, I was then just staring at the blank black sky, and I was seeing that the sky was just sort of capturing the feeling that everybody was in. In a way, it was almost symbolic. It was almost like the idea of this town was just sort of evolving from a level of uncertainty. I felt like maybe even if I did not go into this, that maybe I should be looking at what the others were wanting to say, and then I could just find a way out of this.

I was thinking that maybe I was going to just pretend like I was going to not know what was happening. I was thinking that maybe I could be able to go on and talk with one of my older siblings about this, and just see if they were willing to be telling me what the hell was bothering them so much. I was feeling like this was the one thing that I had needed more than anything. I just needed to be having a fucking goal in mind.

As I was thinking everything out, and thinking on what I was going to be doing, I knew something else in my mind. I needed to finally just understand what the heck was bothering my siblings. I was needing to know if they were finally going to be willing to just grow up, and tell me what the issue was. I was just so annoyed with the fact that everybody was acting like they were a chicken with their heads cut off and stuff. But I was sort of not caring at all.

But then again, I was just thinking that maybe I was needing to be listening to my brother Jack on this one. I mean, I did tell him not to be going into this. I did tell him that he was needing to be leaving this alone. And look at how not listening affected my siblings? I mean, even I was smart enough to be aware of how something like this was just a bit of a terrible idea, no matter how much I was wanting to admit it.

I was feeling like maybe I just needed to finally get to know him a bit more. I was feeling like once I finally got to know what was going on with Jack, and I was getting my siblings to finally talk with me, they were going to finally sort of know what to be telling me. I was feeling like I was just needing to make it all work. But before I could think on it, the door to the house was opening, and I was checking to see who it was.

I was seeing that it was Lydia who was coming home. I could tell from the way that she was looking, and the way that she was presenting herself, that she was a bit tired. That she was clearly looking like she was just wanting to go to bed, and not be dealing with any of this stuff. I did not care what was happening. I did not care what she was going to tell me. I needed to know what her issue was, and that was the only thing that I was telling myself to go into.

"Hey Lydia, how are you doing?" I asked, and then I was seeing her looking right at me, and she was clearly not in the mood to even remotely entertain this, and then I was feeling like I was needing to step behind. I was aware that if I said another word, she was going to be pissed at me, and then everything was going to be brought back to me, as if I did something horribly wrong for some fucking reason.

"I am doing alright. I do not want to talk about it though. I do not even want to be thinking about it." After Lydia was telling me this, I was looking right at her, and I was feeling like I just needed to man up, and get to know what was going on, and just force something to be told to me. I was feeling like I needed to get her to know that I was willing to be there for her.

"Seth and Jack were really angry last night. I can tell from the way that they were acting, that something was going on. That they did not even want to be thinking about it at all. I feel like you guys need to talk." I said, and then she was looking at me, as if finding what I was saying on its own to already be annoying as shit. I was feeling like she was not going to be very nice about how she was going to be going at this right now.

"Henry, what about I don't want to talk about it did you not get?" Lydia snapped at me, and I was shocked at the fact that she was telling me this, and I was seeing her looking at me, as if more than willing to challenge me if it had meant that she was going to be seeing me lay off of her. I did not know, and I did not care what was going on, people were taking this way too seriously for their own good right now.

"What is going on? Mom and dad will talk to you about this anyways." I said, and then she was looking like she was about one second away from freaking out at me. Like the very words that were coming out of my mouth were nothing more than a really annoying burden. I was not wanting to be treated like this by my own family, simple as that.

"You can't do anything. Maybe mom and dad will talk with me about this, but you are just getting in the way and you are just getting really annoying. I already told you once that I do not want to talk about it, and that you probably wouldn't get it." Lydia was saying to me, and then she was just sighing, and then I was feeling like I was needing to be saying something else to her. I was not sure why I was doing this, and what I was going to get out of it. But I did not care what was happening here.

"Everybody is worried about you and Gabe. It seems like you two have gotten something into you lately, and you do not tell anybody what is going, and you just act like this is all fine." After I was telling her this, I was seeing her looking like she was clearly on the fucking edge of what she was willing to take with me. She was walking up to me, and she was feeling like she was going to be needing to find a way to prove her point.

But I did not care. Even when I was a five year old boy, and I had no idea what the heck was going on, and I was aware that at least for now, she was still stronger than me. But I was feeling like my point was coming dangerously close to being made, and I was feeling like this was all that I had needed from her. "You are just needing to accept the fact that you need to talk with us." I said, and then I was thinking of one more thing that I can say to her to drive home my point.

"Unless if this is your way of admitting that you do not love us, and that you are no different from the people who come into our lives and then leave weeks later." I said, and then after I had said that to Lydia, that was when she was having enough, as signified with the hard slap that she had given me across my face. Then when she had done that, she was looking at me, clearly too angry at me to even care if I was going to threaten to tell anybody or not.

"Don't you dare ever compare me to those people again! I just don't think you're smart enough to understand it anyways. You're only five, and probably only know how to count to eight." Lydia said, and then I was seeing her looking like her anger was turning into something of sadness. And one of regret as well.

"If you are going to be angry at me, and hurt me, at least own up to it and not act hurt at the end of it all." I said, and then I was looking right at her, and I was feeling like maybe I was maybe just needing to see what the heck we were even getting ourselves into. "I mean, at least if you do that, then I can almost respect what you did. But this is nothing."

But she was looking too sad to even care, and I was feeling like maybe I had made my point on this. I was feeling like I was sort of getting my point across, and that she just needed to sort of be more open on this now. "Sorry that I hit you. It's just that you have no idea what I have been seeing. What I done wrong." After Lydia was saying that to me, she was holding her hands up, and I was looking at her in a calm manner, that was not showing what I was fearing.

"I mean, I find out that most of my older brothers are aware of this tree house in the town that a friend of mine shown me, and then I thought it would be fun to look around. That's all that I thought of it. But then I saw somebody get a bullet in her head, and now they're dead because of me." Lydia said, and then she was looking at me, as if feeling like she was needing to find something else to say to make her point.

"And now I hurt my younger brother just because he slightly annoyed me. Now I am hurting my own family." She said, and I was just keeping my composure, and I was waiting for her to finish up. I did not even care for this anymore. I was needing to just let her finish, and then I was going to be seeing where she was coming from. I was needing to see how she was going to hear where I was coming from here.

"What does it mean when you see somebody get killed? In real life. Not in the movies." I knew what death was. I've seen horror movies like Halloween. I knew damn well what dying as a concept was. But I did not know what it was like to watch somebody die, and I was feeling like maybe if I knew what it was like, I knew what I could say to make her pretend like she was able to feel better on what was happening now.

"It's the worst thing ever. You feel like you have seen the worst thing in the world." Lydia said, and then she was looking like she was wanting to say more, but then she was looking right up at me, and she was clearly looking like she was just trying to be finding something better to say. But that was the only thing she could not really understand right then and there.

"Do you think that it can change you?" I asked, and then I was starting to feel like maybe I was needing to see what Lydia was feeling right now. I was needing to see what was keeping her this way. I was just needing to finally open up, and see what the heck was going on. This was all that I had needed.

"I think that it can make a big difference. I mean, when you go around, and you feel like everything is going to be fine, then you will be fine. I just feel like I should have been more there, more ready for whatever was going on. I felt like I was finally having a chance to do something good." Lydia said, and then she was looking at me, trying to find something better to say to me to make a difference at it all.

"I mean, I thought that I was helping. I thought that this was good. But now here I am, and I realize I made a big mistake. And one that will never be able to make a change in the future." After Lydia was saying this to me, I was seeing her looking like she was truly and deeply worried about what was happening. I was feeling like I just needed to sort of see where this was even going to head in the long run.

"I am so worried about everything that I just made things worse. And now that I know what it is doing to you, I feel like I am kind of being the woman that I was fearing I would become." Lydia said, and then she was turning her back to me, and I was seeing her looking horrified at this, and I was truly wondering what the hell was even going on now here. I was feeling like I just needed to get things together now.

"You did nothing wrong. You just reacted in a way that was showing your emotions." I was saying, trying to pretend like it hurt less than it did, and then she was looking at me, and shook her head wildly, and looked like she was not going to be letting me lie to her to make her feel better. She was clearly just not going to be having any of it right now. No matter how hard I tried to make it seem like it was fine.

"Trust me, I am not that dumb. You clearly were not liking what I did, and none of you appreciate what I have been doing. I need to accept the fact that I made some big mistakes." She was saying, and then I was feeling like I just needed to tell her the truth. Something to get her to realize where I was coming from, and what I was wanting her to really realize right now. To get my point across well enough.

"I was hoping that you slapped me or something." I said, and then she was looking at me, slowly lowering her gaze while still just trying to understand if she had heard me properly. "I was hoping that if you did something like that, you showed some emotion. And I needed to just say what I was telling you. I meant every word." I said, and then she was just looking like I ruined the moment by telling her that.

"You actually think that I don't care? That I hate you all?" She was saying, and I was hearing a level of pain to her voice. I knew that once again, I made a big mistake by even opening my mouth. But it was too late to make a difference, I was too deep into this shit. I needed to just get over it, and get to the point of what I was trying to accomplish here.

"I thought that you might not. I was worried about you. But now that I hear you acting like this. And I hear your regret, I know differently." I said, and then I was looking at her, wondering what she was going to be telling me now. She was rubbing her hair, and I was seeing her looking like she had no idea what she was even wanting to tell me now.

"I guess you were just testing me?" She asked, still confused at me, and I was feeling like maybe I just needed to try and give her more. I was feeling like if she was willing to be doing this, she would be willing to actually listen to me, and she would be willing to sort of at least go on and give it all a go here. But then I shook my head, since it was not a test.

"I just don't know what everybody thinks of us. We're two of the strangest ones in the house. You being the girl, and me being the one obsessed with death and stuff." I said, feeling like maybe this discussion was making us sort of feel like we knew each other a bit better than we wanted to admit. Better than either one of us thought possible.

"Thanks for talking with me. I was wanting to know that somebody actually was caring about what I had felt." She was telling me, clearly wanting to say more. But was worried on what I would react. Scared on what I was going to be saying if I was going to go deeper, and if I was going to start to get deep into the way she was feeling, and make her open up more on that as well.

"Don't make a deal on it. We are just doing what we want." I said, and then I was feeling like I was going to be looking deeper into this, and that by doing this, I was going to try and see where she was coming from. Seeing how she was feeling was the only thing that I had felt like even mattered anymore. No matter how rough it could have been here.

"Thanks for listening to me. I was scared that you guys didn't love me anymore." After she was saying that, I nodded, feeling like maybe there was something of minor merit to this, and that I just needed to sort of see where she was coming from now. But then I was feeling like I was needing to just place it all behind me. I was hugging her after she had held out her arms.

Eventually, once we had let go of the hug, I was feeling like I was needing to be seeing what was going to happen now. I was feeling like this was all that I had ever wanted to do. I wanted to make one of my siblings feel complete, and make them feel like what I had done was right.

As we were done, I was then feeling like we were finally going to be done. "Thanks for talking with me. Strangely enough, you made me feel better." After she was saying that to me, we went down, and we were going to bed, and I was over it. Over all of the pain and suffering that was going on at the house, and I was feeling like I was going to see how it was going to work out.

I went down the stairs, and I was going to my room, and my bed, feeling like I was just sort of needing to find a way to make some sense out of this all. I had no idea what was going on, and in a way, I was not even caring anymore. I was just needing to do all that I could have to bring it together at the end of the day, to make it better.

...

-Dec 21 1993 5:20 pm- I was sitting down in the living room, and I was needing to find something to do. I mean, I had nothing to keep myself busy besides watching some movie or tv. I mean, I loved doing those two things, but at the same time, even at my younger age, I would have to either be stupid or not caring about my family to not focus at least a little bit on what the hell was going on at all with my older siblings. I just needed to find something to do.

But if Lydia was right about one single thing from that entire tirade, it was this: I was too young to understand, and I was too young to be able to do something about it. Again, even at five years old, I was aware of something like this. Although I was wondering if this was going to get in the way of them being at my birthday, considering the fact that Josiah was not at my birthday last year, and god knows what it was like on previous years.

I was probably the only person in the entire family, maybe even the entire town, that was more interested and excited for my birthday than for Christmas. The thing was that when your birthday is only a few days after anyways, you are willing to wait the extra few days to have the big stuff. My parents decided that since I had my birthday and Christmas so close together, that they would split my gifts of the two in half, and then do it that way, unlike the others, where they put in some effort to sort of provide for both in a regular way.

I was watching on the screen a person getting stabbed to death. I think it was some girl who was the best friend of the main character, and she was stabbed by the guy in the Halloween mask. I knew that people thought that what I was doing was a bit strange, and kind of creepy. But I did not really care. I enjoyed watching this stuff, and I was willing to go on and continue the practice up, because it was something that I actually liked to do.

As I was watching another couple of minutes of the movie, and thinking about half a dozen other things, I was seeing Todd Jr coming by, and then he was looking at me. "Oh you're watching another one of those strange movies. Isn't this like the fifth or sixth time you've seen this one anyways?" He asked me, and then I was looking at him, as if mildly offended at the fact that he was pretty much showing that this was why I wasn't allowed to watch it. The fact I've sene it 'too much'.

"There's nothing else interesting on." I said, and then I was looking at Todd, wondering what he was going to be doing now. I was clearly seeing him looking like he was wanting to find something else to say. But the more that he was looking at me, I was seeing that he was just wanting to basically find literally else to do to make it all change. "Is there something you needed?" I asked, trying to be patient with this whole thing.

"Well, I was thinking about going on and grabbing some stuff in a few minutes. I am planning on going on a date with Bebe soon, but I think that she needs some time to get ready. So perhaps we can go and take care of the stuff that is going on." Todd said, and I was looking at him, and when I was looking at him, I was able to tell right away that I was aware that he was totally staging this, and that he was having this whole thing planned from day one.

"What do you need to find?" I asked, and then he was thinking about the fact that I was pushing a bit too hard on this, and that I just needed to be taking this more calm and casually. I mean, he was giving me a chance to be getting out of the house, and I was going around and asking a bazillion questions on this. I was seeing him just looking like he needed to find a way to give me a answer, and make it seem like he needed somebody here.

"I was planning on grabbing some stuff like batteries, and do some Christmas shopping." Todd said, and I was seeing him looking like he was wishing that I would just say yes to this, and then I was feeling like if the latter was true, then maybe I could be able to spoil myself on what I was going to get, and know what he was going to buy me a few days early.

That was literally the only reason that I had found myself saying "Yeah, I can do it." I said, and then I was seeing him looking kind of glad to be seeing me looking like this, and then I was standing up, and then I was looking right at Todd, and then he was sighing a bit, and then he was walking towards the door to the house, and I was feeling like maybe I was just needing to be getting this over with for the best response.

Once we were out of the house, I was seeing Todd looking at me for a second and we were going inside of his car, and once inside, that was when Todd basically already lost his disguise, and while he was driving to the store still, his reasoning for this was just not going to work. "Hey Henry, I've heard everything that is going on, and I feel like I need somebody to just tell me what is going on right now." He was saying to me, and I was feeling like I needed to find a better way to go on this whole thing.

"I don't know what's going on. All that I know is that Lydia is upset with this. Then you have Seth and Jack who were furious last night. Then Gabe is out every night. It seems like you and Josiah are the only ones who are even close to striking normal here." I said, and then I was looking at Todd, wondering what he was going to be saying to me. I was clearly seeing that he was wanting to find a place to start with this whole thing.

"What is going on with all of you guys? I mean, Jack being upset isn't too strange, and he has been sort of on edge for about a week or so. But Seth? I mean, say what you will about Seth, but he is always polite, and you have to really piss him of to get him to be mean. And Gabe is so deep down with this that none of what he is doing is shocking me. But then you get with Lydia. Last time I checked, she was hanging out with her friends." As you can tell, Todd was clearly as confused as I was with this stuff.

"Do you have any idea what is going on?" I asked, and then Todd was looking at me, and I was seeing that for a second he could not believe that he just heard me ask this. But then after he was taking a moment to express his shock, he was then going down, and looking like he was wanting to just come up with a proper answer with this whole thing, and not be getting in my business here. Then he was getting back to the point.

"I wish that I knew what was happening. I mean, when I see all of my siblings acting like they were pretty much going wild, it is just bothering me. I don't want to drag you into all of this. I would hate doing anything to you now. But it seems like you clearly have some idea on what is going on." After he was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was just needing to be finding a better response to this. I was kind of sad at the way he was feeling now.

"Honestly, I just am tired of not knowing what is going on. But I need to get over it I guess. I think that I might need to try and get my siblings to tell me what is happening. I mean, I think that maybe if I find out what is going on with one of them, I will learn what is going on with them all. And it all started when it was with Gabe. I think that I need to at least get him to talk." After Todd was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was genuinely deep in thought about all of this.

"Sorry for all of this. I can't help you about any of this." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to be keeping him feel better about this all. Todd was looking at me, as if feeling like the mere idea of forcing me along into this was just a bit silly, and that I needed to not beat myself up on this. That I had done nothing wrong at all.

"How are you supposed to be helping me out? I mean, you're just a small kid. There is nothing that you can be able to do about it." After Todd was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was just wanting to find more to say, but felt like maybe he was needing to be leaving it all alone. "Honestly, I never thought that just in a couple of weeks, that everybody was going to be going crazy and out of their mind right now."

I was feeling like that was one thing we were going to be able to agree on. I truly had no idea what was happening, and despite the fact that they were all my siblings, I was feeling like I just needed to be taking some time to be actually knowing what was going on. But then he was taking a moment to try and process what we were doing.

"I feel like there is no way in hell that I will be able to help out myself. And I am kind of getting over it. But that does not mean that I have to be in love with this idea either." Todd was saying to me, and then he was clearly wanting to be saying more. But then he was just thinking about how we could be able to continue this discussion up, and both be able to talk as brothers on this issue, and get to know how it was bothering the two of us.

"What does Bebe think about it? Have you told Bebe yet?" I asked, and then Todd was looking at me, and I was seeing him clearly looking like he was wanting to just deny this subject, and that this was too much for him to consider. But then after a moment, he was sighing, feeling like he might as well just tell me what is actually going on with the two of them. Maybe with her perspective, we would know what to be feeling.

"She was told about all of this, but I feel like she was just thinking that maybe I am over reacting to this all. And maybe she is actually kind of right. I mean, there is no real reason to suggest that any of them, besides maybe Gabe, have done anything wrong." Todd said, and I was wanting to tell him about what Lydia did to me, but I felt like she deserved more than what was going on here, and I felt like she was just under a lot of pressure. And given how sorry she seemed, I decided I would let her pass.

"Maybe Bebe is right. I mean, we might be caring about them. But maybe we are only worried because we live there, and outside of the house, it is nothing strange at all." I said, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to find more to say to this. But I was feeling like I needed to try and get Todd to see that we were probably just trying too hard with what to be doing right now.

"I don't know. I'll give it the rest of the year. If by New Year, something like this is still going on, then I feel like I will need to continue pushing in on this. I mean, after all, we are going through winter season, and winter is infamous for having a lot of rough emotions going on and stuff." After he was saying this to me, I was seeing him looking like he was just trying hard to bargain himself into feeling like this.

"Do you think that you are going to get them to tell you the truth?" I asked, and then I was feeling like I was just needing to see how I was going to be able to make a difference on this, and then I was seeing Todd was maybe needing to find a different way to go at this whole thing. I was seeing that Todd was clearly wanting to find some better way to respond to all of the things that I had asked, since that one simple question already captured so many clauses.

"The thing is that I have no idea what the fuck is going on. I don't think that I can get them to tell me everything. I don't think that I can get them to tell me even half the things that are happening right now. I think that if I were to even try, I would be just failing miserably at this entire thing." After Todd was telling me this, I was seeing him clearly looking like there was just too much to be trying to understand about what was going on.

"Sorry for asking. I thought you might have known what your plan was." I said, and then he was looking at me, and then I was clearly seeing him looking like he was thinking about what I had just said. I was seeing that he was clearly wanting to be taking things easily. But then he was thinking about the fact that this whole thing was already going to be a bit hard for him to actually accomplish all of this stuff.

"It's not your fault. I mean, I know that your heart is in the right place. You want to help out. But the thing is that even if I had a idea what the hell was going on, I would be going crazy. I think that I will just need to try and get them to talk with me. That is all that I think even matters." After he was telling me this, he was looking at me, clearly looking like he was needing to just sort of consider what I was feeling right now in a way.

"I just thought that you would have known some stuff. But maybe that was my fault for assuming so much about you." Todd said, and I did not have any offense to what he was saying. He was just trying to sort of know what was going on, and I was seeing him sort of just trying to be finding more to say. To be finding more to sort of give him a damn clue on what he was supposed to be feeling at the moment.

Eventually, we parked the car where the store was, and then he was taking off his seat belt. I was taking mine off as well, knowing that if I stayed here, it would look bad for him and the rest of the family. So with that, we were walking towards the store, and I was seeing Todd just looking like he was almost glad to be having at least one of his siblings with him doing this whole thing.

...

-Dec 21 1993 9:00 pm- I was feeling like I just needed to try and keep my head down low, and not make any deal with what was going on, and by doing this, I would be able to sort of just pretend like nothing was going on at all. I was feeling like this was the best that I was going to be able to do for my own sake, my own fucking family. I cared about my family. And I wanted to see them well, but I knew my best way to do that was to just not do anything.

As I was feeling that way, I was wondering if maybe I was going to be able to maybe get Seth to talk with me. He was the only one that I was going to even remotely try and talk with, since I knew that if I had tried to talk with anybody else, they would either just simply reject me, like what Jack had done, or get really defensive about it, sort of like what Lydia did last night. And even if I forgive her, I needed to know that others would not be so easy with me.

I was wanting to help them all out. But I was feeling like this was the only way that I could get anything to work out in the long run. I was scared out of my mind on what my school life was going to be. Since when I was not dealing with anything like that, nothing was happening. But the moment that everybody was going to school, was the moment that literally everything went to the shitter.

I was feeling like I just needed to try and see how this was going to work. I was then seeing that there was just a couple of my older siblings doing their own thing, and I was feeling like maybe I was going to just see what one of them was feeling, and see if they were going to want to talk with me at all. I was feeling like at least one of them would have been willing to talk.

I was staring out the window, and I was just wanting to be thinking about Christmas. I was feeling that if I thought on Christmas more, then I would have been able to end this whole thing much easier. But Christmas was something that I guess that was just not going to be that big of a deal in the next few days. I mean, with everybody acting the way that they had, I was feeling like maybe Christmas was just not going to even be a huge priority on anybodys list, for better or for worse.

As I was thinking a bit longer, I was hearing Seth's voice, and I was seeing that there was a small amount of uncertainty with the way that he was talking. Almost as if he was certain that there was going to be something that would be coming up if I were to try and talk with him. He was clearly feeling like maybe I was going to be trying to talk with him for a bit. "Hey, I am going to be hanging out with one of my friends for a bit. You know, to talk with him about some things." Seth said, and then I felt like maybe if I was light on it, I could get where he was coming from.

"Are you talking about the whole thing that you, Jack and Lydia went through last night? What was that about anyways?" I asked, and I was feeling like maybe I was going to get some truth from him. I really wanted some truth from him, no matter how he was going to be going on at this whole thing. Then he was sighing, feeling like he might as well give me a little bit of info.

"I had to personally deal with the lies that everybody was going around and telling us. It really hurt to be knowing all of this. But I guess that people were just wanting to go on and look like they were the big person. But I think that maybe I am no different from them. I thought that I could have helped." Seth said, and I was seeing him feeling like he was almost finding that idea to almost be funny in his own way.

"I had wished that I would have done something good. I wished that I would have helped. But nobody else took me seriously. Nobody else thought that I wanted to actually help. And now that I was forced to deal with what everybody was telling me, and I was forced to choose, I had no idea where this was going to go." He shrugged, and I was feeling like I just needed to see where he was coming from now.

"What made you care so much anyways?" I asked, and then I was seeing him looking like he was finding that to be the best question anybody could have asked him there. Almost as if feeling like maybe he was being a bit of a idiot here. Then he was coming together, and finally giving me an answer that he felt he would have worked with.

"To be honest, I thought that I would have at least been able to have a chance to make a difference. You know, do something right. I thought that when Lydia was telling me about helping her out, that we were going to be coming somewhere. But that was the biggest lie that I was coming up with for myself." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him just sort of wanting to be finding a bit more to say. But he was feeling like maybe he had made his point.

"Lydia told me some of what happened yesterday. I do not know how much of it was honest though, or how much of it she was just saying for the sake of show." I said, and then I was looking at Seth, wondering if he was going to be giving me some information. Then he waved me over as he was opening the door, and I was confused at what he was trying to accomplish here.

"Come on, maybe we can talk about it more as we are heading down to where my friend Manny lives. I think he will be fine with one of my siblings coming along. If you remember, he liked you anyways. So if it had to be anybody, I think he would be fine with you." Seth said, and then I was looking around, feeling like maybe this was a terrible idea. But I decided that I would do it anyway, for his own sake.

"What is going on? Do you have any idea what she was talking about? She seemed like it was something that was kind of hurting her deep down. I mean, I have no idea what it was." I said, and then I was feeling like I might as well give him some of the details that I knew. "She said that she saw somebody die that night. But that's about as far as it went. And a tree house." Then he was placing his hand on his shoulders in annoyance.

"Am I the only one who does not know what this tree house is? I mean, literally everybody and their mother is talking about it." He said, and I was clearly seeing him wanting to be finding more to be saying. But as he was telling me this, he looked at me, and was shaking his head, as if feeling like maybe I was needing to just find something better to be say to him to make him feel better.

"I don't know anything about it. I mean, I only heard about it last night." I said, and then Seth was shaking his head, and then he was just rubbing his eyes, as if feeling like what he was dealing with was the worst thing that anybody could be able to deal with, and I was wondering why he was hating this whole thing so much. I was feeling like maybe I just needed to try and see what I could do to help him feel better.

"I feel like everybody else is just playing one big prank on me. That nobody is taking me seriously. But I guess that maybe nobody wants to try and help me out. But if people wanted to help me out, then by god they would have given me some hints already." After Seth was telling me this, I was seeing him looking like he was willing to be seeing where I was going to be trying to change how he was going to look at this now. Like he would have loved it.

"What type of act would they even be willing to play anyways?" After I asked him this, he was just rolling his eyes, as if he was feeling like this was just a figure of speech, and that I needed to be laying off of him, and not be trying to get to know every single little detail of what he was saying right now and stuff. But he was still able to answer anyways.

"I don't know. I feel like if I were to try and get to know some information, she would be just telling me that I was going insane, and that I burned some bridges. If I try to talk to a older sibling, he would be telling me that he is unable to tell me anything at all, like I am just some stupid boy." Seth was telling me about this, and I was seeing him wanting to say more, but he was not even going to dare and try to express more emotions here.

"Sorry for saying anything. I was just trying to be helping out was all." I said, and then I was seeing him looking at me, and when he was looking over at me, I was seeing him looking like he was almost feeling kind of feeling bad for this, and that he was feeling like he was just feeling kind of bad for it all. "What are you going to be telling your friends?" I asked, feeling like that was going to be a relatively important question now.

"I don't know. Probably just tell him anything that I know. Well, what I saw, and then I know that Jack warned me against this, and Lydia might not like it, and Gabe knows what is going on, I feel like I just need to see where this is going to head." After Seth was telling me that, I was sighing, and then I was feeling like maybe I could connect with him a little on the whole situation with Jack.

"Yeah for some reason, Jack is really hyper focused on thinking that everything that is going on is terrible, and that I should never look into it." I said, and then I was seeing Seth looking like he was just sort of trying to be finding more to say to make it all come together. Seth was sort of feeling like he was needing to be finding more to say to change it all.

"I think that maybe he is right. I mean, I don't really want to know. That being said, I will certainly not reject any information that is going to be given to me." After he was saying that to me, I was seeing him looking like he was just wanting to be saying more. He was clearly wanting to continue, but did not feel like he had any real motivation to continue this. I felt bad for virtually all that had been going on.

Eventually, we were at Manny's house, and then Seth knocked on the door. I was seeing Seth looking like there was a small part of him that was clearly looking like this was just something he was forced to do because he did not want to be dealing with. I had seen that he was wishing to just pretend like he did not have to deal with any of this, but was sort of accepting it all.

Manny opened the door, and he was looking at Seth and I. The Seth part did not shock him at all. But the part with me was just a bit strange. He was sighing, feeling like he was just needing to see what was going on with me. "What is your younger brother doing here?" Manny didn't even sound angry or anything. I was just seeing that he was trying to figure out what the hell the whole situation really was here.

"I was wanting to talk to you about some things that I was actually hoping you could be able to help me out on." After he was saying that to Manny, this was when Manny was looking like he was sort of just wanting to kind see where he was even coming from in the first place. Then Seth was adding an extra bit to sort of get himself to seem more clear now.

"I have had to see and deal with some really annoying stuff right now, and I need to just talk with you a little bit more." After he was saying that to Manny, that was when Manny was just sort of getting it in his mind that this was something he needed to be patient with, and that he was just needing to wait for a bit more, and that I was going to need to see what the hell he was going to be trying to accomplish now.

Once we were inside of the house, and the door was closed, Manny was looking right at Seth, and he was pretty much just pretending like I was not even here. I mean, I did not know if that was offending me a bit, but as I was listening to them more, part of me was feeling like I wanted nothing to do with their fucking conversation.

"So did you hear the news last night? Tell me the truth. I feel like if you know what was going on, then we could work on talking a bit more here." After he was saying this to Manny, I was seeing that Manny was just looking utterly lost on what was being talked about. But that he was aware that there was no way he was going to brush this off. Then he was shaking his head to the question.

"No, I did not watch anything. I really fail to see what even matters about this." After Manny was saying this to Seth, I was seeing that Seth was a little annoyed with this, but not at all surprised. I was feeling like maybe I was just going to have to wait a bit, and by doing this, I could get some answers on what the hell was happening now.

"Well, there was a person who was shot dead last night, and Lydia and her friend Claire saw it happening." After Seth was saying that, Manny was suddenly looking confused on this. Not confused in the way of trying to see why things were important. Confused as to why they were forced to witness something like this in the first place. But then I was starting to realize that if everybody was saying this, there was no way it was a lie.

"What the fuck was going on?" Manny asked, and then he was looking at me, as if suddenly realizing what he had done, and he was already starting to regret saying this out loud in front of me. Then Seth was waving it off, as if feeling like there were more important things to talk about right now.

"We swear all the time at the house anyways. I don't think he is going to care if you let it slip one or twice. Just don't go crazy and do it all the time." After Seth said that to Manny, I was seeing him slowly taking a deep breath, and then looking at Seth, as if feeling like now that we got this over with, we needed to talk about the more important stuff.

"Alright, if you are saying that it is alright, I will not be too worried about it this time. Anyways, so what the heck was going on that made this whole thing happen in the first place." After he was asking this to Seth, I was seeing Seth slowly nodding, feeling like he was going to be able to focus on the subject a bit more. But the way that Seth was looking, the whole thing was just a bit rough, and I was seeing that Seth was not wanting to really discuss this anyways.

"Anyways, so she was hanging out with her friend Claire, and she was clearly just trying to find a way to talk to Claire about what was going on, and sort of making all of the answers come together. I was feeling like I needed to sort of hear both sides of the story, since it was just a bit crazy to be hearing all of this stuff going on. But then there were a couple of men in black who were walking along and talked with her." Seth said, and then he was waiting to see what Manny was going to be reacting to this start.

I was then seeing that there was no response. "Anyways, now that they had shown up, they were thinking that Claire and Lydia were believing that there was some big conspiracy that they were thinking was going on, and I am certain that if they were trying to make them stop looking into these, that this is proof that these theories are true." After Seth was saying this, I was nodding, feeling like what he was saying was probably correct, and that I was just needing to sort of see where this was going to go now.

"After they were talking for a bit, and Lydia was mentioning this whole thing with a tree house, that was when there was a woman who showed up to the house, and I was later told that this was Claire's mother. When she tried to intervene, the second man shot her in the face and killed her." Seth was saying this to Manny, as I was seeing even the lord of darkness Manny looking shocked at this whole thing.

"I drove to the house, yes I did that despite being several years too young, and I was having Jack at my side. We ended up beating them up for a bit until Claire and Lydia got in the car, and then I drove them back to the house, and found out all of this stuff." Seth was saying this to him, and then I was feeling like I was just never going to be making this whole thing really make any sense. There was no way it would make sense.

"Now that I am here, I am sort of just wondering what the heck was going on right now. I feel like maybe I just need to find a way to learn if there is something that I could be able to do to help out. if that is just at all possible." He was saying, and I was seeing Seth looking like he was wanting to say more, to this whole thing make some sense in the long run.

"I think that if you do not want to be looking into this, I think that you should probably just try and be safe here." After Manny was saying this to Seth, I was seeing Seth nodding, as if feeling like this was the only way that this was going to be making any damn sense. Feeling like I just sort of needed to kind of see what was happening. But I did not know if it even mattered at all.

"I know that this would be logical. But when I see that my siblings are pretty much just acting like nothing is happening, and not explaining anything to me, I feel like this is something that I just need to sort of be making some peace with." Seth was telling Manny and I, and I was seeing her looking a bit unsure of what to be saying right now. I was feeling like this was something I was going to need to kind of accept it.

"Do you think that you are actually going to be looking super deep into this, or that you will just sort of be leaving the whole thing alone?" After Manny was asking Seth this, I was seeing him just looking like there was nothing else that even mattered. I was feeling like maybe Manny was just too scared to continue to think of what to say, as a argument or to help.

"I want to know what is happening. I think that when I see my siblings acting like they can just treat me like I am some fucking idiot who does not know anything, I am just a bit angry at it all. I feel like I just need to try and finally get some of the answers here." After Seth was telling Manny this, I was seeing him looking a bit uncertain of what the heck he was even feeling the need to tell me right now.

"I think that maybe I just need to look a bit deeper, for my own sanity. Once I finally start to feel like I know what is happening, then I can sort of just finally get some answers to all of this now." After Seth was saying this, before Manny could even respond, I was already seeing him shake his head again, as if he could not believe that he was suggesting such a thing in the first place. Could not believe what he was doing.

"I need to stop. I already know that this is insane. Even I can tell that I need to find something better to be doing than just this." After Seth was saying this to Manny, I was seeing him looking like he was just trying to be finding more to say to get a sort of change in answer, or a change in idea of what to be feeling. I was seeing Manny looking like he was kind of glad to be seeing that Seth himself was seeing how insane this had seemed, and that he was willing to let the idea die.

"Good for you to try and retract from this. That was starting to make me worried, and I was going to be willing to try and fight you on this." Manny said, and then I was seeing him looking like he was feeling like he was kind of needing to be counting his blessings here, and that he was just wanting to see what the heck we were going to be doing now. Then with that, I saw Manny looking like he had wanted to find more to go off of.

"Well, what do you think is going on? Even if you don't look into it, surely you must have a theory here." Seth was saying to Manny, and I was seeing Manny looking uncertain on what to be telling me. I was seeing Manny looking like he was just trying to sort of know what he was actually thinking. Almost as if feeling like the idea of answering was a bit impossible.

"I think that maybe there are just some important operations going on in the town, and that we just need to respect their business. I think that if we try and get in their business, then it is our fault more than anything else for being kind of stupid. I mean, I know that this might not sound nice or anything. But I feel like we just need to try and be honest about this whole thing." After Manny was telling Seth this, I was seeing him looking like he was just being scared, and needed to see Seth play it safe for our sake.

"Maybe you're right. I guess that just the idea of having so many things going on right now is just a bit strange. But I guess that maybe you could be right. That maybe we just need to be leaving them alone." Seth was saying, and I was seeing him looking like he was sort of willing to accept such a notion. Even if such a notion was going to be a bit rough for him to fully be getting used to in his own way.

"Honestly, I just feel like if I wanted to know what was going on, I would wait until I was older. I would wait to sort of see if this was not just a bad set of memories." Seth said, and then he was just sitting down, feeling like he was going to need to at least think every single thing out a bit more. That he was going to just need to find some way around this. But then Manny was almost looking like he was wanting to think more on this as well.

"Manny, thanks for talking with me. The whole thing just seems strange." Seth said, and then he was looking right at me, as if feeling a small amount of pity. I was confused as to why he was giving me this look of pity, and thinking that all and all, he did not really make any big mistakes on this whole thing, and I was just needed to see what was going on in my own right.

"Sorry for dragging you along into all of this. And sorry for saying all of this stuff if I ever feel like I am going to be changing my mind on this whole thing." After Seth was saying all of this, I was seeing him sort of looking like he was unsure of what to be saying. I was then shaking my head, feeling like that was the best answer and the honest answer.

"I would not be too worried about it. You needed to try and find something, and that is important." I said, and then I was looking at Manny, and I was feeling like I was just needing to see what was going on now. Then with that, we were all thinking of what the future of this family, friendship, and life in town would be like with some doubt from now on in our brain.

...

-Dec 22 1993 9:00 pm- I was thinking about the conversation that Seth had with Manny, and I was just sort of doing my best to be able to understand how serious it truly was. I was feeling like maybe I just was never going to understand how they really knew anything that was going on, and that maybe I just needed to be sort of putting that away once and for all abut it all. I was feeling like maybe Manny was probably just trying to be a good friend by helping Seth out, but had no idea what to be doing now.

I was feeling like maybe when I knew what was happening with Seth, and I knew what was bothering him, or keeping him feeling like, then I would sort of be able to kind of understand what was really happening all around me. I felt like maybe Manny was just scared that we were going to be trying to be some big hero or something.

I did not want to be making a huge difference on this whole thing, but I was feeling like maybe I just needed to be making this whole thing better. I was feeling like maybe my family was just going to be sort of confused, and they were going to be doing their own thing, and that I just was sort of needing to get over it all. Despite the fact that maybe Seth was going to reject any advancements that I could make here.

I was just sort of getting over it all. I was wanting my family to treat me with a form of respect, but I doubted that anything like this was really going to happen. I was feeling like maybe if I wanted some respect, they were just going to be pretending like they were going to try and give it to me, but I was sort of just not making a huge ordeal out of it. But in a way, I was feeling like any form of respect that I could get was just a bit out of the line.

But the whole thing was just confusing. There was no better way that I was going to be able to describe it as possibly the most confusing thing that I had seen in a while, and I was just sort of feeling like maybe the people who were around me could have answered at least some of my questions, but that this was just not a huge deal in any real sense of the word. I was just thinking about the movies that I had been watching, to try and make me feel better.

I was feeling like as long as I was going to be watching the movies, then I was going to be feeling maybe making some of this just sort of be forgotten, and then everything was going to be alright. I was truly thinking that the movie was going to be the answer to everything that was wrong with my time right now.

But that all was stopping when I was just seeing something strange at the house. I was confused at what I was seeing, and I was standing up, feeling like maybe I was just going to have to be looking more intently, and when I would do this, I would sort of know what I was supposed to be doing. I was seeing that there was somebody like a person in the yard.

I was looking outside the window, and I was seeing that the guy was smoking a cigarette at the yard, and then when I was looking at him just taking a long drag, I was feeling like if I wanted to be getting somebody to believe in what I was seeing, that I was just going to have to be showing them this cigarette. I was feeling like this was still all that I just was going to need to c